Bulimia: The thought of rice made her panic
Recovery does not always mean that every single aspect of an illness is treated and gone.

While project manager Odie’s* habit of eating and purging has stopped, she still struggles to overcome certain thought patterns that were the initial triggers behind her bulimia.

It all started at the age of 13, when she first began to restrict her diet and only eat foods that she deemed healthy, like oat crackers and fruit.

However, she soon began vomiting her food out after eating, even the healthy ones.

“It was an accumulation of many things that led me to my eating disorder; my elders would always comment on my weight, and my ex-boyfriend would say I looked too heavy to be carried,” shares the 25-year-old.

At first, she avoided any talk about her eating habits being related to having an eating disorder.

“It was an out-of-sight, out-of-mind thing as I would avoid looking up my symptoms online to avoid being told I had an eating disorder.

“I knew it wasn’t normal to be purging all the time, but I convinced myself I didn’t have any issues.”

It was her sister who talked her into seeking professional help after noticing how severe her symptoms had become.

Being formally diagnosed with bulimia opened the path of treatment for Odie, but the habits she developed from childhood were very difficult to change.

Her relationship with food was something she struggled with greatly, as the sight of certain foods, such as rice, would cause her to panic.

Odie remembers a time when her family had sushi for dinner, and she was required to finish the leftovers.

“My sister insisted that I finish the last piece as I hadn’t eaten anything else yet, and I immediately went to weigh myself the next day.

“Even though the scale increased by less than a kilo, I broke down and started crying,” she shares.

“I remember the fear and guilt I felt eating that one small piece of sushi, and how badly I lashed out at my sister for causing me to gain that little bit of weight – it was very mentally draining for the both of us.”

Odie recalls the fear and guilt she felt from eating one small piece of sushi, and how badly she lashed out at her sister for making her eat it. — SHAARI CHEMAT/The Star

It took Odie until last year to finally be free of her fear of rice, allowing herself to enjoy a plate of nasi lemak for breakfast.

“I cried the moment I took a bite, both from how good it tasted and the relief I felt for being able to enjoy delicious food without wanting to purge afterwards.

“I’d already recovered by then, but the habit of thinking that I shouldn’t eat too much for fear of gaining weight still sticks with me until today.

“So being able to enjoy that simple plate of nasi lemak felt so liberating for me – it was pure bliss.”

However, the path to recovery was not all smooth for Odie, as she went through her share of dismissive comments and judgement from her peers.

Getting her diagnosis was not easy, as the people around her would constantly tell her that she was fine and that she had nothing to worry about.

“I was told I wasn’t fat enough to be unhealthy, but also not skinny enough to have an eating disorder.

“I myself knew how terrible I felt every time I had to forcefully purge my food out, so to hear that it wasn’t a big deal was very painful and almost deterred me from seeking help at all.

“I wondered why it was so difficult to be accepted and understood that I had issues of my own regardless of my appearance,” she says.

While most of Odie’s textbook bulimic symptoms are no longer present, she still has certain negative weight-related perceptions that have been ingrained in her for years.

For example, she was once told by a friend that to be both short and fat was to be ugly, and as a short woman herself, it is a narrative that continues to plague her memories.

“As much as I know how ridiculous it is, I still hold onto the notion that I must never look fat as I would then be perceived as ugly.

“But I’m actively trying to change my mindset on this by turning my struggles into reasons to be better and improve on my strength and well-being.

“It’s a reminder to both me and my friends who may struggle with unhealthy eating habits that food should never be our enemy, but a medium for us to enjoy each other’s presence instead, and that seeking help is a courageous thing to do regardless of what anyone tries to tell you.”

*Pseudonym used to protect her privacy
Mind,Eating disorder,bulimia
Being able to eat a plate of nasi lemak without wanting to vomit was 'pure bliss'.