Sibling rivalry: How parents can turn it into confidence and self-esteem lessons
AS LONG as there is more than one child in a family, there’s bound to be some degree of sibling rivalry. But why do siblings fight with each other?

Senior counsellor Dr Nordinah Mohd Kassim says sibling rivalry is a common phenomenon. “As long as feelings of annoyance, jealousy, envy and competitiveness exist in human beings, sibling rivalry is bound to occur.”

She says that sibling rivalry is similar to competitions encountered in other aspects of life, such as at school or at work.

“It can happen to anyone in the family unit, irrespective of age gap or gender, and its severity is not necessarily determined by these differences,” she says.

However, Nordinah says the birth order of the children in a family may play a role in shaping sibling rivalry. Each position can significantly impact a person’s character and behaviour.

“According to psychology’s birth order theory, the eldest child is often perceived as achievement-oriented, while the second child may tend to imitate his or her older sibling. This happens frequently, especially when it comes to education,” she continues.

Boey Lai Kuan, 46, a mother of four from Selangor agrees: “My two eldest children constantly compete and compare with each other in their studies.”

Not only do Eleanor Jo-Ern Jeevaraj, 16, and Ethan Jay-Ern Jeevaraj, 14, measure themselves against each other in their academic pursuit, they also engage in conflicts over household chores and material possessions.

“When they look for support, each of them tends to team up with their fraternal twin siblings to initiate what looks like a battle of the genders,” says the teacher trainer at a private college.

Talent acquisition specialist from Kuala Lumpur, Vonesa Karen Alcontara, 36, remembers what it was like to be compared to her sister, Piliciaa, 37.

“I was never considered the smart one in school, unlike my sister. I also had a reputation for being notorious while she was seen as the angelic one. My teachers would constantly draw comparison between us and advised me to ‘be more like her’,” she recalls.

Piliciaa, the eldest of the Alcontara daughters, offers her perspective: “But I remember those days, I had always wanted to be better than her.”

Now that she has children of her own, Piliciaa, who is a teacher, observes a similar dynamic between her two daughters, Divina Grace Christie, eight, and Petra Love Christie, four.

“This is more obvious when my eldest doesn’t get what she wants or feels she doesn’t receive equal attention as her sister,” she adds.

As kids, Piliciaa (left) and Vonesa were constantly compared. — Photos: PILICIAA ALCONTARA

Impact of sibling dynamics

Piliciaa encourages healthy competition and friendly banter among her children as she believes this fosters growth.

“While they may bicker over trivial matters, my younger daughter always seeks comfort in her sister when she is upset. Likewise, Divina looks out for her younger siblings,” she explains.

“At the end of the day,” Piliciaa says, “this is the family that we return to, and they’re the ones who will support us no matter what happens.”

Vonesa adds: “We still have our mother comparing our achievements once in a while, but thankfully, we have grown to learn and appreciate each other’s differences and have become closer after completing our education.”

Nordinah, who is attached to the International Islamic University Malaysia’s (IIUM) Counselling and Career Service Centre admits that sibling rivalry can impact children’s personalities and their relationships with others, both within and outside of the home. “However, if it is managed effectively, it can actually be beneficial for them.”

For children coming from an encouraging and supportive family, she explains, sibling rivalry can enhance their self-esteem and confidence in their abilities, while strengthening the bond between siblings.

Boey agrees: “I believe how the tiffs affect children depends on how parents manage the situations or outcomes.”

“If a child doesn’t feel accepted, valued and loved at home, it impacts his or her self-esteem and confidence. The child might internalise negativity and judgements, believing them to be true. This affects emotional development and relationships,” says Boey.

In the long run, Nordinah explains that children who lack trust and connection within their family may find that their rivalry with siblings negatively impacts their relationships with the broader community.

“How the family interacts with each other will affect how the children carry themselves and how they behave outside,” she says.

Piliciaa's children, Divina Grace (centre) with her younger siblings Petra Love (right) and Amadeus Bernard (10 months).

Dealing with sibling rivalry

Sibling rivalry is inevitable, particularly in families with multiple children, Nordinah says. She adds that it’s important to create a family dynamic that balances individualism and collectivism, as suggested by Murray Bowen’s multi-generational theory.

“In this context,” she explains, “the key word is nurture. How parents nurture their kids plays an important role in addressing children’s rivalry.”

“Communication is important too,” adds Piliciaa. “It is important to teach children to communicate their feelings, instead of simply reacting to the issues at hand.”

She acknowledges that young children may take time to understand the concept of expressing their emotions verbally, but eventually they will grasp the idea.

Her sister, Vonesa, agrees: “Yes, it was only recently that I learned to understand others’ viewpoints without judgement.”

Boey shares how she takes on the listener role with her children: “I find this only works when I am mentally prepared to listen.”

“This way,” she adds, “I can focus on the issues while avoiding assumptions or jumping to conclusions, and I can prevent my personal bias from influencing my responses.”

Boey also says that parents should avoid showing favouritism, making comparisons or discrediting a child in front of other siblings – a practice often carried out by the older generation under the guise of encouragement.

“Remember,” she adds, “our children learn by observing and mimicking. Let’s foster respect, not criticism or looking down at other siblings, or mimicking parents scolding them.”

Vonesa and Piliciaa emphasise the importance of unconditional love and respectful treatment from parents to set a positive example for their children to follow. “Children mirror their parents. If you want them to flourish, love them unconditionally,” concludes Vonesa.
While sibling rivalry is inevitable, it's important to create a family that balances individualism and collectivism.