Input:
 Write a chapter about online dating and app options, including:

1. An introduction to the fast-paced world of online dating and the importance of knowing what to look for in an app.
2. A reminder that the list of apps and websites in the resources section of the book may not be exhaustive or accurate due to the ever-changing nature of online dating.
3. A reminder that with the increasing acceptance of polyamory and other open relationship styles, dating apps and sites have become more accommodating.
4. An explanation of how OKCupid added features that allow you to not only say if you're already in a relationship, but to link to your partner's profile.
5. An explanation of how apps like Feeld came about specifically to help facilitate threesomes.
6. A reminder that when deciding which app is right for finding threesomes, look for options that make it friendly for couples to use.
7. An explanation of how either an explicit option for a couples' profile or linking options are important.
8. An explanation of how the other thing that's important is making sure there are enough people in your area on the app to make it relevant.
9. A reminder that apps like Tinder are widely adopted and can be worth checking out, even though they don't have explicit couples' options.
10. An explanation of how whichever app you decide to use, be sure you're playing by their rules.
11. An explanation of how for example, a site specifically aimed at women looking for women wouldn't be a good place for a heterosexual couple to make a profile.
12. A suggestion to read some reviews online and see what people are saying about each app.
13. An explanation of how aside from different rules and tools, apps are likely to have different cultures and activity levels.
14. An introduction to the variety of websites you might find useful beyond dating apps.
15. An explanation of how some websites explicitly allow personal-ad type content, and others don't.
16. An explanation of how some websites are more community or event focused, but they can still be a great way to meet people.
17. An example of websites like FetLife or Kasidie, which function as social media more than dating apps.
18. An explanation of how they can be useful not only for the connections they facilitate, but because you may learn about your local scene, culture, or events.
19. A reminder that on some sites explicit photos and text will be removed, and your account may even be suspended or banned.
20. An explanation of how if you're hoping for x-rated content, that's a factor that will drive your website choice.
21. An explanation of how websites like FetLife might be your best bet if you want to go all-in with naked pictures.
22. A reminder that don't disqualify other social media—even Facebook can be a useful tool.
23. An explanation of how there are subgroups for everything, and if you spend time in open relationship groups, you may meet potential partners there.
24. A reminder that explicit cruising will likely get you booted out on social networks, so take a while to learn the tone of the group and to just get to know people.
25. An introduction to the importance of profile pictures in dating apps.
26. An explanation of how dating apps these days are very photo focused and your photos are an essential element to get right.
27. A suggestion to find pictures to share that show something about your personality.
28. An explanation of how sharing pictures of you engaging in a favorite activity, whether that's rock climbing or reading, can be a great way to show who you are.
29. An explanation of how your photos should not only grab people's attention but to be a conversation starter.
30. An explanation of how most apps allow anywhere from five to ten pictures and you should have a minimum of three pictures (more if there are two of you).
31. A suggestion to have a great picture of your face, a full body shot, an activity or personality photo, a photo with a pet, and a dressed up photo.
32. An explanation of how a group shot can be okay if your friends consent to being used on a dating app and as long as it isn't your main (or only) photo.
33. A reminder to avoid exclusively selfies on your profile and to make sure they're good ones.
34. A suggestion to be mindful of your background and avoid taking pictures in the bathroom or with a pile of dirty laundry behind you, or in full view of your unmade bed.
35. An explanation of how selfie technology has advanced and you're not limited to holding your phone out in your hand at an awkward angle.
36. A suggestion to consider getting a cheap tripod or propping your phone on something and using the timer function.
37. A reminder that photo editing software is readily available and you should consider using it to make your photos look their best.
38. An explanation of how people are photo filter savvy and if your photo is edited beyond recognition, it'll show.
39. A reminder to avoid cliché while still including images that show your personality.
40. A suggestion to have a mix of selfies and photos taken of you by other people.
41. An explanation of how a professional photographer is also a great option for taking headshots or personality pics.
42. A suggestion to consider doing some boudoir shots if you're going the professional photography route.
43. A reminder that just remember that showing a lot of skin in your photos will give the impression that you're looking primarily for casual sex.
44. An introduction to the importance of profile language in dating apps.
45. An explanation of how thanks to the internet, it's easier than ever to find other people who share your interests.
46. A reminder that your profile should reflect information about who you are, not just sexually.
47. An explanation of how faking it isn't only unethical, it just doesn't work.
48. A suggestion to share some interesting facts about yourself—fun things that another person could connect with.
49. An explanation of how if it's a couples' profile, have a paragraph about each of you and something about the relationship.
50. A suggestion to talk about how you met, or activities you enjoy doing together.
51. An explanation of how after you've talked about yourself, make it clear what you're looking for.
52. A reminder that if you're on the app specifically for threesomes, say so.
53. An explanation of how don't make it all about sex—you'll still need to get along as people.
54. A suggestion to have enough things in common that if you met at a cocktail party, you could happily chat for thirty minutes or more.
55. An explanation of how don't go negative in your profile.
56. A reminder that negative things turn people off and if you're trashing online dating, you're also trashing anyone who is reading your profile.
57. An explanation of how if you're on the kind of site that's explicit enough to say what you're looking for sexually, make sure you're also saying what you have to offer.
58. An explanation of how for example, 'looking to fulfill my partner's fantasy,' looks not only like half the couple might not be into it, but like the third's pleasure doesn't come into the equation.
59. A suggestion to say you love to cook nice meals and give massages.
60. A reminder that your profile should say who you are as a person, not just sexually.
61. An explanation of how you should be ready to connect with people as people, on multiple levels.
62. A reminder that you should be giving as much as you're hoping to get.

Source:
6 Luckily the law is starting to catch up with technology, and in some cases its now illegal to share photos or videos without permission—what is sometimes called revenge porn. Also worth noting, it is always illegal to share pictures of minors—even of yourself! There have been prosecutions even of teens sending pictures to each other.

Response:
CHAPTER

13

ONLINE DATING/APP OPTIONS

Which Sites or Apps to Use

The world of online dating moves too quickly to have an exhaustive or accurate list of apps and websites in print, but check the resources section in the back of this book for places to start. More important is what to look for in an app and how to use it once you get set up.

With the increasing acceptance of polyamory and other open relationship styles, dating apps and sites have become more accommodating in order to remain relevant. OKCupid added features that allow you to not only say if youre already in a relationship, but to link to your partners profile. And apps like Feeld came about specifically to help facilitate threesomes.

When deciding which app is right for finding threesomes, look for options that make it friendly for couples to use. Either an explicit option for a couples profile or linking options, as mentioned above. That way, whichever side of the equation youre on, youll be able to find the kind of people youre looking for.

The other thing thats important is making sure there are enough people in your area on the app to make it relevant. A brand new app with stellar options wont get you very far if only a couple dozen people in your city are using it—unless you get very lucky! Apps like Tinder are so widely adopted they can be worth checking out, even though (as of this writing) they dont have explicit couples options.

Whichever app you decide to use, be sure youre playing by their rules. For example, a site specially aimed at women looking for women wouldnt be a good place for a heterosexual couple to make a profile.

Read some reviews online and see what people are saying about each app. Aside from different rules and tools, theyre likely to have different cultures and activity levels.

Beyond dating apps, there are also a variety of websites you might find useful. Some explicitly allow personal-ad type content, and others dont—not every useful website is geared towards dating. Some are more community or event focused, but they can still be a great way to meet people. Websites like FetLife or Kasidie function as social media more than dating apps, but can be useful not only for the connections they facilitate, but because you may learn about your local scene, culture, or events.

On some sites explicit photos and text will be removed, and your account may even be suspended or banned. So if youre hoping for x-rated content, thats a factor that will drive your website choice. If you want to go all-in with naked pictures, websites like FetLife might be your best bet.

Dont disqualify other social media—even Facebook can be a useful tool! There are subgroups for everything, and if you spend time in open relationship groups, you may meet potential partners there.

Keep in mind on social networks that explicit cruising will likely get you booted out. So take a while to learn the tone of the group and to just get to know people.

Profile Pictures

Dating apps these days are very photo focused. In fact, some people let their photos do all the talking and dont include any profile text at all. While I wouldnt suggest that approach, its true that your photos are an essential element to get right. Youre not just showing what you look like, youre showing who you are.

With most of the apps being largely photo and swipe based, your pictures really need to do a lot of the heavy lifting for you. Find pictures to share that show something about your personality. Being cute certainly helps, but being interesting goes a long way too.

Share pictures of you engaging in a favorite activity, whether thats rock climbing or reading. Share pictures snuggling with your pets or playing an instrument. Whatever you choose, make sure its a real thing about you, not just a dating app photo opp.

You want your photos to not only grab peoples attention but to be a conversation starter. "Oh, you like that book? Me too!" The more potential ways to connect to other people, the better.

Lets break that down a little further.

Most apps allow anywhere from five to ten pictures. And while you dont need to use every slot, you should have a minimum of three pictures (more if there are two of you).

Here are some categories to consider: a great picture of your face (maybe headshot style), a full body shot, an activity or personality photo, a photo with a pet, and a dressed up photo.

A group shot can be okay if your friends consent to being used on a dating app, and as long as it isnt your main (or only) photo. No one is willing to do the work to figure out which person in the group you are.

While the selfie is ubiquitous these days, try not to have exclusively selfies on your profile. And if you do have selfies, make sure theyre good ones. Be mindful of your background. Dont take pictures in the bathroom or with a pile of dirty laundry behind you, or in full view of your unmade bed. Aim for clean and cozy environments or nice, bright, outdoor spaces.

Remember that selfie technology has advanced! Youre not limited to holding your phone out in your hand at an awkward angle and hoping for the best. Consider getting a cheap tripod or propping your phone on something and using the timer function. This will allow you to get more of your body in the shot as well as experiment with better angles.

We also have a lot of photo editing software at our disposal, and there are plenty of apps that do most of the work for you, so you dont need any photoshop skills. Consider blurring the background a bit or using portrait mode to keep you as the center of attention. You can also make the photo a little brighter or more crisp.

Do remember that people are photo filter savvy, and if your photo is edited beyond recognition, itll show. A little adjusting is fine, but you should still look like yourself—wrinkles, freckles, and all.

You want to avoid cliché while still including images that show your personality. So, while Id avoid pics of you with a tiger cub, my profile, for example, does have a picture of me in the Paris Catacombs, which gives helpful insight into my personality.

Ideally youll have a mix of selfies and photos taken of you by other people. It should be an easy ask of a friend, and you can even trade places, getting pics of each other.

A professional photographer is also a great option. Photography has moved well beyond the glamour shot, and its not difficult to find a photographer who is familiar with taking headshots or personality pics. Often you can get a combination of both.

What about sexy photos? This will largely come down to your personality and the rules of the site youre on. Some dating apps will pull photos they consider too racy, while some websites allow full nudity and even sex acts in the photos (or videos!).

If youre going the professional photography route, you might even want to do some boudoir shots. These can be great solo or with a partner, and its worthwhile to have a professional to help you figure out your angles.

Just remember that showing a lot of skin in your photos will give the impression that youre looking primarily for casual sex. If thats true for you—great! If not, consider keeping your clothes on for now, and sending sexy pictures later on if messaging goes in that direction.

Profile Language

Thanks to the internet, its easier than ever to find other people who share your interests. But theres also a lot of information to slog through. And since you wont have someones attention for long, its important to get the essentials out in a concise and eyecatching way.

Your profile should reflect information about who you are. That means, who you _really_ are. Faking it isnt only unethical, it just doesnt work. You need to find people who are into you, and excited about your interests. And theyre out there. You just need some patience to find them.

For starters, share some interesting facts about yourself— fun things that another person could connect with, and enough information that someone can get a sense of your personality. If its a couples profile, have a paragraph about each of you and something about the relationship. Maybe talk about how you met, or activities you enjoy doing together. Let people get a sense of what youre like as a couple.

After youve talked about yourself, make it clear what youre looking for. If youre on the app specifically for threesomes, say so. You dont want to waste the time of people who are only looking for one-on-one dating.

Dont make it all about sex. Even if thats the primary thing you want to do, youll still need to get along as people. If you cant at least have a conversation, its going to be tricky to have sex. So have enough things in common that if you met at a cocktail party, you could happily chat for thirty minutes or more.

Dont go negative. That means about yourself or others. No self-deprecating humor here. Dont apologize for your photos or for a profile thats still in progress. Instead, dont put anything out there you dont feel good about!

Dont list things you dont want—instead, say what you do want. Consider each sentence and find a way to frame it in a positive way. What about if youre frustrated with the partner search? Its okay to feel that way—but make sure it doesnt show in your profile (or your messages). Being negative is a big turn-off, and if youre trashing online dating, youre also trashing anyone who is reading your profile.

Maybe you dont want friends or colleagues to know that youre looking for dates or threesome buddies—what then? Its certainly a real concern that you could run into people you know on a dating app. So spend some time considering whether thats a problem for you.

While you can have a more anonymous profile that doesnt include face pictures, or pictures you can be identified by, thats also going to make your partner search more difficult. Being unwilling to show your face can read as a red flag to people, even if youve got a good reason. So if youre going the privacy route, try to explain why. For example, "I work with kids so no face pictures here, but Im happy to send pics after we match."

* * *

If youre on the kind of site thats explicit enough to say what youre looking for sexually, make sure youre also saying what you have to offer.

For example, "Looking to fulfill my partners fantasy," looks not only like half the couple might not be into it, but like the thirds pleasure doesnt come into the equation. How about saying you love to cook nice meals and give massages?

To sum up: a profile should say who you are as a person, not just sexually. You should be ready to connect with people as people, on multiple levels. And you should be giving as much as youre hoping to get.

Couples Profile Logistics

If youre creating a profile as a couple, youll want to make sure that both of you approve of the pictures used and any profile text, too. This can be a great time to look through pictures of the two of you together and remember all the fun youve already had on your own!

Ideally the main picture on your couples profile will be of the two of you together. You want the fact that its a couples profile to be as transparent as possible, because people wont take kindly to being surprised with that information after theyve gotten their hopes up about just one of you.

What about the logistics of swiping? Is the online hunt something youll only do when youre together, or is one person leading the charge? Either way, be sure to negotiate how that will go.

While the idea of doing it all together sounds nice, that also means dedicating a chunk of your shared time to the process—so it may depend on how much time youve got to spare. If one of you has more free time, or is more savvy with online dating, it could make sense for them to do a lot of the advance work, and only check in when there are decisions to be made.

Keep in mind that if one of you is doing all the swiping and chatting, that can lead to an imbalance that can cause jealousy. You may decide that in the name of fairness you should each create a couples profile of your own, so you can each swipe on your own time.

While some sites let you have an actual couples profile, many others require work-arounds. That means you may have to choose one gender option for your profile. In addition to having couples options, some sites have finally offered a broader range of gender choices, while some are still limited to male and female. Which is all to say, if you and your partner arent the same gender, youll have to pick one to represent you on the app.

You may have to conduct your own social experiment to see what works best. Online dating anecdotes make contradictory arguments. Ive heard some say that having a profile marked as female will lead to matches with a lot of queer women and nonbinary folks who may want nothing to do with men or couples. But this experience is far from universal.

Luckily, if you each make your own profile, you can test these hypotheses on your own. Or, if you have one profile, you can always delete and start over if youre not getting the results youre looking for.

Simply scrolling through the apps together and looking at potential matches can be a big part of the fun. What conversations do other peoples profiles bring up? Does seeing other peoples images get you excited about the prospect of playing together, or are you getting a knot of nerves in your stomach? Remember that how you feel during the partner search is a good indication about how youre feeling about the whole idea.

Word Choice

Dating profiles are getting shorter and shorter, which makes word choice all the more important. You need to make clear who you are and what youre looking for in as little space as possible. That means its doubly important to consider what message the words and phrases youre choosing will send.

Whether solo dating or looking for threesomes, youll find the phrase "no drama" across online platforms. All too often this translates into, "dont have any needs that will inconvenience me."

Listen, we all want to be dating mature adults with solid life skills, and youre going to be screening for things like emotional maturity and communication skills as you read profiles and exchange first messages. So dont get things off on the wrong foot with turn-off phrases like this.

In fact, avoid negatives all together. Instead of saying what you dont want, speak in positive terms and articulate what you do want.

Another phrase youll see is _DDF_ or _drug and disease free._ On its surface, that might sound reasonable, but there are connotations hiding beneath the surface. For one, were no longer associating the word disease with things associated with sex. Thats why the term STI has replaced STD. Another problem with this term is the close association between drugs and disease. Theres no reason to assume that people who use drugs have STIs, or that people with an STI use drugs.

The DDF term is also misleading and potentially obsolete because the people using it are rarely considering alcohol or marijuana under the category of drugs. In fact, youre likely to see the term _420 friendly_ in the very same posts. Any substance use should be specifically discussed as a safety and consent matter, but the language used shouldnt reinforce stigma.

Another unfortunate word youll see when people are discussing STI status is "clean." In fact, this one is pretty common. The problem is that saying clean implies that the opposite is dirty—and that framing further shames and stigmatizes STIs, which leads more people to be unwilling to have the conversation, or unwilling to disclose their status. Plenty of people live with STIs like HIV or HSV and that doesnt disqualify them as sex partners. Its simply a conversation to be had. So make sure youre not contributing to sex-negative stigma around STIs with your word choice.

Have you ever noticed how the world tends to rally together in shared hatred of certain words? _Moist_ comes to mind as universally hated. (I dont mind it, but maybe Im just contrary.) One word that gets peoples hackles up, and is therefore best to avoid in your profiles or personal ads, is _female._ This isnt to say that you cant post that youre interested in women, but few things get people as riled up as using the term _females_ to refer to women. In fact, there are articles across the web, from Jezebelxi to Buzzfeed,xii urging people not to use this word. Similarly, the word _ladies_ can cause the same nails-on-chalkboard cringe for a lot of people, so youre better off avoiding it.

Likewise, avoid mentioning what body types or physical attributes youre looking for in a partner. Youre not ordering a RealDoll. And while everyone has their own preferences, you can screen for attraction without advertising that you only want to talk to people with the measurements of a runway model.

In fact, avoid all objectifying language—and thats not just about bodies. Dont say anything that makes the third sound like an object or sex toy. For example, saying youre looking for a birthday or anniversary present for your partner—that sounds like a thing, not a person.

And as an aside, if you are hoping for a threesome to celebrate a special occasion, remember that youre setting up a high-stakes scenario thats at risk of backfiring. Especially for a first threesome, its best to try it without a particular timeline in mind. Have a nice dinner for your special occasion, then have a threesome for the hell of it.

One last word that might give people the wrong idea—the word _discreet_ gets thrown around by people who are keeping secrets or cheating on a partner, so its use might raise red flags. If youre aiming for some amount of privacy, thats fine, but consider how you express that information.

First Messages and Beyond

First messages should be friendly, not explicit. A quick scroll through my own Tinder shows that the last couple who picked me up started by asking what book Id read most recently. And it was a full week of chit chat before I asked them what they were looking for. And the answer? Not just potential sex partners, but friends.

Making friends as an adult can be difficult, so why waste the opportunity? If you like someone enough to have sex with them, theres a good chance theyre friend material too. Theyre also likely open-minded and sex-positive. Making friends on dating apps, whether you also have sex with them or not, can be a great way to start building new community.

When messaging from a couples profile, make it clear who is doing the writing. Is one half of the partnership doing most of the outreach? This can be as simple as signing your message with the name of whos writing. Or if every message is a joint effort, say that too. People want to know who theyre talking to.

That same couple who picked me up with book talk? All the writing was done by the woman. And when we exchanged numbers, it was her number she gave me. Even after roughly a year of chatting and occasional threesome dates, Ive only spoken directly to her on the app or by text.

As much as I wish everything were gender neutral, I have found that when an MF couple is picking up another F, it can often work best if the women talk first, or do some of the first flirting. That tends to be where the mismatch or discomfort is going to be, if theres going to be any. So making sure the women get along and are into each other is a good step to making sure things go smoothly overall.

No matter how many messages youre writing, dont copy and paste the same first message to everyone. Savvy online daters can smell generic from a mile away. Make sure you actually read the profiles of the people youre interested in, look at their pictures, and craft a message thats actually for and about them.

Do you have hobbies in common? Do they have a cute pet? Do you have similar taste in movies, music, or books? Remember, the conversation doesnt have to be about sex right off the bat— start by building rapport.

Also on the no-no list: unsolicited explicit photos. Dont send pictures of nudity or sex acts unless the conversation has already gotten sexy and youve gotten clear permission to send them. This should go without saying, but anatomy-textbook worthy photos of genitals dont get you dates.

If youre going to be messaging for a while, youve got logistical choices to make. It can be helpful to move to text or to a messaging app that can easily manage a three-way chat.

Messaging styles differ. Some people like to message for a while, maybe even weeks, before meeting up. Others like to meet sooner rather than later, to find out if theres chemistry before investing too much time. You may find it helpful to have a phone call or video chat so all three people can get a feeling for each other. This is more efficient than messaging and less of an investment than a date.

Dont be pushy. Take no for an answer. And remember that sometimes silence is your answer. If you dont get an answer to your message, feel free to send one friendly check-in. But if you dont hear back after two messages, let it go.

Always be sure that youre representing yourself accurately. A single person shouldnt be using the lure of a threesome to get a date, posing as a couple. And a couple shouldnt pose as a unicorn to arrange a voyeur or cuckold scenario. Stick with the classic rule and treat other people the way youd like to be treated.

When youre trying to get to more explicit planning in your conversation, try questions like, "What are you looking for?" Not only is this a great way to segue into threesome talk, but its also a way to show you care about the other persons interests.

Heres what one woman had to say about messaging someone they met online:

_Our first threesome experience went really well. My then partner and I had been dating about six months. Im a queer woman, he identifies as heteroflexible. We met Alice online and she and I texted a lot during the day. I made a group chat for us because it was more fun to include all three parties._

_All the chatting was helpful for the two of us to feel comfortable and to have an idea of what we wanted. By the time we were in bed together, I knew how she liked to be touched and some of her turn-ons. One thing that I loved about this particular encounter was hearing the two of them talk about how to get me off. He was showing her what I like, and the combination of their efforts was pretty fabulous._

_One thing I would do differently in the future is share more about how my partner and I interact. There were a few moments when I had to stop to tell her that I was ok with things like deep throating and having my hair pulled._

_She was fine once she knew I was consenting, but it would have been better to disclose that ahead of time. We planned to meet up again, but she found a monogamous partner the next month._

Send Nudes?

The idea of sexting is pretty ubiquitous these days. And sharing sexy messages can be a lot of fun, whether with an existing partner or someone youre thinking of meeting up with. If youre considering some sexy chat, there are a few things to think about.

While there are some apps that make messaging and sending photos a bit more secure, always consider anything that you put on the internet or in text to be a thing that is now out of your control, and potentially shareable. Even in the case of "secure" apps, or apps that delete your photos within a certain timeframe, screenshots can still be taken. While you might not be running for political office or making yourself a blackmail target— how would you feel if you saw your photo posted somewhere without your permission?6 And while that might not be a likely outcome, its safest not to post or send anything you wouldnt want the world to see.

If you decide to go for it, have fun with the process! Taking sexy pictures of yourself can be empowering. Find clothes you feel good in, figure out some good lighting, and consider your background.

All of the tips from the profile photo section apply here, plus a few more. For starters, even if youre not worried about privacy, decide if you want your face in the picture. You can send body shots that dont include your face, recognizable tattoos, etc., if that feels safer.

Consider embracing the art of the tease. Just because youre going to share dirty pictures doesnt mean you need to give everything away. It can be sexy to leave something to the imagination and leave your recipient wanting more. Try pictures with lingerie or underwear on, or tight clothes that give a hint of whats beneath. Play with simply pulling a shirt up or down, giving an extra hint of skin. You can also use lighting to your advantage here, deciding which parts stay in the shadows.

Sending sexy pictures can be a fun way to build anticipation and even to start talking about what things you might want to do together. Just make sure no one gets left out. It can help if you start some kind of group chat so everyone can be included. Or, if one person is driving the texting on behalf of someone else, making it clear if the pictures are being shared.

Essential sexting etiquette: always ask first! Dont surprise someone with an explicit picture. Make sure its something theyre interested in receiving and also that its a good time. You never know who might be able to see someones phone screen, and you dont want to create an awkward situation with someones boss or kids, for example.

And if youve been blessed with a (consensual) sexy photo, be sure to say thank you and to shower the person with compliments. Sending pictures can be vulnerable, so make sure the other person feels good about sharing with you.

Have Patience and a Thick Skin

Everyone will tell you that online dating can be kind of a slog. The same things that make it useful—like having so many people available—can also be a downside. With the next swipe always just around the corner, some people dont put a whole lot of effort into any particular match.

Dating books and articles will all show you some depressing statistics. The likelihood of making a match is low, as is receiving a response to a message. But believe it or not, that has a silver lining. It means its not about you! Online dating is hard for everyone, so if youre not getting the results youre looking for, it doesnt mean youre a bad match, it can just mean that online dating is a tricky numbers game.

Its still a good idea to optimize your chances by working on your photos, profile, and messaging game, but if youre doing your best then whats needed is patience.

Youre going to "like" people who dont like you back. Youre going to send messages that go unanswered. Youre going to start conversations that end up going cold for no apparent reason. You may even start talking to someone you realize later is a bot or fake profile.

Go into this adventure with a thick skin and a sense of humor. Youll need to be able to brush off these misses and move on to whats next. If you start to feel overwhelmed or discouraged, its time to take a break. Remember that this is supposed to be fun, and if it stops being fun, whats the point?

If youve been with it for a while and youre just not getting the results you want, take a break and take stock. Is there something about your approach that needs work or could be improved? Are you in a small enough town that pickings are slim? Is there something about the online format that makes it so you cant put your best foot forward?

Before giving up, try tweaking all the variables. Change out pictures, change your profile or bio, and change your messaging strategy. If online dating is still a bust, try focusing on some of the in-person options for meeting people.

6 Luckily the law is starting to catch up with technology, and in some cases its now illegal to share photos or videos without permission—what is sometimes called revenge porn. Also worth noting, it is always illegal to share pictures of minors—even of yourself! There have been prosecutions even of teens sending pictures to each other.


Input:
 Write a chapter about negotiation in threesomes, including:

1. An introduction to the importance of negotiation in threesomes and the need to be honest with yourself and others about your expectations, boundaries, and limits.
2. An explanation of how it's helpful to lay out your fantasies and desires during negotiations so that everyone involved can help make them happen or make clear if they want something else up front.
3. A reminder that if there are boundaries or limits, all parties need to know about them, and that it will feel stilted and awkward in the moment if certain activities are being avoided without explanation.
4. An explanation of how just because there's a boundary doesn't mean there aren't still a lot of fun options, and that it's important to think creatively about what to do.
5. A reminder that once a boundary has been set, consider it non-negotiable for that encounter, and that arousal can have similar effects to intoxication, making it a bad idea to try to take things further than initially agreed upon.
6. An explanation of how asking more than once after a boundary has been set or someone has said no can be coercive.
7. An introduction to the concept of avoiding 'rules' and the difference between a rule and a boundary.
8. An explanation of how boundaries are about you, and rules are about other people, and that it's important to set boundaries to protect yourself rather than making rules to control other people.
9. A reminder that every rule you set is a place where something can go wrong, and that it's important to make sure that whatever agreements are set in place are both necessary and well understood by everyone involved.
10. An explanation of how to avoid setting arbitrary rules that aren't really that important, and that it's important to think carefully about what your boundaries are and if the limit you're setting is actually going to get you the outcome you're looking for.
11. An introduction to the importance of discussing turn-ons and turn-offs in threesomes.
12. An explanation of how especially if it's been a while since you had sex with someone new, you might be taking it for granted that a partner knows what you like and don't like, but that with someone new, you'll have to teach them.
13. A suggestion to talk about not just what you want to do, but how you want to feel, and to think about the feelings rather than just the activities.
14. An explanation of how to consider how you like to be touched, if you're ticklish, extra sensitive anywhere on your body, if you like a little bit of pain or intense sensation, and how you feel about fingernails raking across your skin.
15. An explanation of how to consider the ways that you respond during sex, if there's anything unique or unexpected about the way you show pleasure or displeasure, and if you go nonverbal when you're about to have an orgasm.
16. An introduction to the logistics of threesomes and the need to consider where the threesome will happen, safety, privacy, and who's in charge of supplies.
17. A reminder that figuring out what's going to happen with three people can be a little trickier than with two, but that with advance planning, there's no reason for the logistics to slow you down.
18. An explanation of how to consider where the threesome will happen, whether it's at one of the participants' homes or somewhere neutral like a sex club or hotel.
19. A reminder to consider safety and how comfortable you feel about giving out your address or going to someone's home, and to consider whether a hotel room or public play space might be a good fit.
20. An explanation of how to consider privacy and whether some or all of the people involved don't live alone, and how it can be tricky to bring a partner home, let alone two.
21. A suggestion to have a conversation about options and what will make everyone the most comfortable.
22. An explanation of how to consider who's in charge of supplies and to make sure everyone brings their favorite safer sex supplies, as well as sex toys.
23. A reminder to think about timing and whether there are bedtimes to consider or early mornings at work, and to plan the threesome for when everyone has the next day off or at least a late start.
24. An explanation of how to consider whether anyone is spending the night together and to decide in advance if there's an overnight happening, and to make sure no one is surprised with this information when they're loopy and tired.
25. An explanation of how to consider transportation and whether everyone has transportation, and whether this will be affected by potential intoxication.
26. A reminder to plan ahead and make sure everyone knows how everyone is getting home.
27. An explanation of how to take breaks during threesomes and to negotiate how bathroom breaks or any other breaks will work in advance.
28. A suggestion to say that the activities will pause anytime all participants aren't present and accounted for, and that anyone can call a time out at any time for any reason.
29. An explanation of how to consider power dynamics in threesomes and to think about who is the driving force, who is calling the shots, and whether all power dynamics are transparent and consensual.
30. A reminder to consider intoxication and the risks of substance use, including the impact on judgment and consent, and to take into account whether this is your first threesome with a particular combination of people.
31. An explanation of how to negotiate in advance as much as possible if you're going to a play party, and to decide why you're going and what you're going to do there.
32. A reminder to consider privacy and to decide whether you're going to tell your friends about the hot time you had or if you're keeping these memories to yourself.
33. An explanation of how to consider your personal risk tolerance for encounters with friends or coworkers at public events, and to check the policies of public spaces to make sure they align with your needs.
34. A reminder that if you go from the occasional threesome to actually dating multiple people, privacy becomes more complicated and can become an ethical issue if you're asking another person to hide part of who they are or if you're hiding them from friends and family.
35. A suggestion to consider whether being out as a threesome enthusiast or about being nonmonogamous is right for you, and the benefits and drawbacks of being private about it.

Response:
CHAPTER

14

NEGOTIATION

Expectations, Boundaries, and Limits

What are you hoping to get from this threesome? Is there a particular fantasy you have in mind? A kind of experience youre hoping to have? Its helpful to lay all of this out during negotiations so that everyone involved can help make your fantasies happen, or make clear that they want something else up front. Its difficult to get your needs met if you dont articulate what they are. So you need to be honest with yourself, and then open and honest with the other people involved.

If there are boundaries or limits, all parties need to know about them. Or if there are particular acts or positions that are off the table—again, make that clear. It will feel stilted and awkward in the moment if certain activities are being avoided or dodged without explanation, and its all too easy for someone to cross a boundary if they dont know it exists. Dont set someone up for failure by not informing them what everyone in the situation needs.

Remember, just because theres a boundary doesnt mean there arent still a lot of fun options. For example, maybe theres an existing couple in the mix, and they only want penetration between them. As youll see in the positions section, there are lots of ways to play with multiple people beyond penetration—or by having some people involved in penetration and other people involved in oral sex.

Dont frame a boundary as something that limits your fun; think of it as something that will help you get more creative as you decide what to do.

Once a boundary has been set, consider it non-negotiable for that encounter. Arousal can have similar effects to intoxication, making it a bad idea to try to take things further than initially agreed upon. And its not a good move to ask more than once after a boundary has been set or someone has said no—at worst it can even be coercive.

A few years ago, I was at a play party and ended up playing with a couple who had never played with a third before. Not only that, but the other woman was also inexperienced with women, so this encounter was a lot of firsts for her. During the play she asked for breaks a couple of times. Shed go get some water, or some air, and then come back when she was ready. Whenever she left the space, all play would stop. Eventually she was done for the night, having had an encounter that stayed above the waist all around.

Whether he wasnt paying attention or simply wasnt interested in his partners limits, the male half of the couple tried to keep things going, and I had to firmly remind him that his partner had called a stop to the encounter.

Behavior like that is a good way to make sure that someone wont play with you again—and maybe that your partner wont feel safe exploring with you again, either. When a boundary has been stated, its everyones job to remember and respect it.

Avoiding "Rules"

Whats the difference between a rule and a boundary? One way to think about this issue is that boundaries are about you, and rules are about other people. Are you setting a boundary to protect yourself, or making a rule to control other people? An example of this might be saying that during a threesome, you dont want to be kissed on the mouth. Youve set a boundary that youre not comfortable with kissing in this encounter. What could make it a rule is saying the other two people in the threesome arent allowed to kiss.

Its largely semantic. Some boundaries may still be problematic, and some rules may be fine. Whats essential is that you have a say in the negotiation of any agreements youre going to be a part of. Its also helpful if all the agreements apply equally to everyone involved. In the example above, the person who doesnt want to be kissed could propose that theres no kissing at all in the threesome. So, while this could be called a rule because it controls other peoples behavior, youre also being given the opportunity to agree or not, and it will apply to everyone equally. (Versus the existing couple kissing each other in front of you, while youre not allowed to kiss one or both of them.)

So, is something being framed as telling you what you can do? Or is the couple saying, "Lets all do this together?"

Its always helpful to frame things in a positive light. Using the kissing example, lets say youre tempted to ask the other two people in the threesome not to kiss each other (basically setting a rule)—before doing so, pause and ask yourself why you want that. If its because of a fear of jealousy or of being left out, whats a way you can address that by adding something to the encounter, rather than taking something away?

Instead of saying the other two people cant kiss, could you meet the same needs by letting them know youre feeling sensitive about being left out, and would like a lot of attention paid to you? Could you say that you really like to receive a lot of kissing and touching and attention? Spend some time thinking about both of those options see how they feel.

Now think about how hearing each of those requests would feel to the other people involved.

Asking people not to kiss each other is limiting what other people can do and controlling their behavior. And if kissing is something that comes naturally to them during a sexual encounter, theyre going to have to keep catching themselves when they have the impulse to kiss—which could end up being a serious distraction during play. Overall, this could have a big impact on their level of enjoyment.

Now imagine how it would feel for them to know youre feeling a little sensitive and would like to receive a lot of attention. Remembering to do something is easier than remembering not to. Every time they glance in your direction, or any time theres a shift in position, they can make sure to include you or to give you some extra kissing or touching. Framing this request in the positive allows them to add ideas to the mix, which makes for a much easier flow than trying to remove something.

Theres also a different emotional reaction. Dictating controlling rules that someone has to follow can create some resentment in response. But being up front about feeling vulnerable and asking for something you need is more likely to receive compassion and empathy in response. Which of these feelings would you rather have in your threesome?

This doesnt mean setting limits is a bad idea. You need to have limits. Its important to take care of yourself and feel empowered to say no when you need to. Just think carefully about what your boundaries are, and if the limit youre setting is actually going to get you the outcome youre looking for.

* * *

Remember, too, that every rule we set is a place where something can go wrong. If you end up setting arbitrary rules that arent really that important, youre also setting a lot of landmines and potential opportunities for feelings to get hurt. Each rule is a place where there can be a misunderstanding or where something can be forgotten. So make sure that whatever agreements are set in place are both necessary and well understood by everyone involved.

Turn-Ons and Turn-Offs

Especially if its been a while since you had sex with someone new, you might be taking it for granted that a partner knows what you like and dont like. But with someone new, youll have to teach them. (And existing partners can probably use a refresher, too.)

When were negotiating sex or play, we usually list the activities or toys that are on the table and those that are off limits. But dont forget to talk about the rest of the experience. Not just what you want to _do,_ but how you want to _feel._

Are you looking for an experience thats rough and tumble, or sweet and sensual? Do you want to feel cherished and cared for, or wildly desired? All of these feelings and more are possible, and if you think about the feelings, rather than just the activities, youll give your play partners a lot more information to work with.

What about how you like to be touched? Do you like soft caresses or a firm grip? Are you ticklish? Extra sensitive anywhere on your body? Do you like a little bit of pain or intense sensation? How do you feel about fingernails raking across your skin?

What about the ways that you respond during sex? Is there anything unique or unexpected about the way you show pleasure or displeasure? Do you go nonverbal when youre about to have an orgasm? Try and think of anything a new partner should know before sex gets started.

Planning sex with a new person is a chance not only to explore brand new things, but to explore your own desires and interests all over again.

Logistics

Some people find threesomes daunting because of the actual logistics. And its true, figuring out whats going to happen with three people can be a little trickier than with two. But with advance planning, theres no reason for the logistics to slow you down. Here are some questions for you to consider.

Where will the threesome happen? Is it at one of the participants homes or somewhere neutral like a sex club or hotel?

On the most basic level, you need to make sure theres enough space. If someones in a dorm room with only a twin bed, its going to be difficult to roll around with three people—unless youre prepared to play on the floor. So the decision of where to go can sometimes be as simple as figuring out who has the biggest bed.

As for safety—how do you feel about giving out your address? There are safety considerations both for someone knowing where you live, and also for going to someones home. If neither of these options feel good, but you still want to play, thats when a hotel room or public play space might be a good fit.

What about privacy? If some or all of the people involved dont live alone, it can be tricky to bring a partner home, let alone two. Have a conversation about options and what will make everyone the most comfortable.

Whos in charge of supplies? Its probably a good idea if everyone brings their favorite safer sex supplies, as well as sex toys. Having too much is never a problem, but you dont want to run out. And if theres something special you want for the event—like a strap-on harness—you might want to remind whoever owns the special thing to remember to bring it along.

How will timing work—when does it start, when does it end? Are there bedtimes to consider or early mornings at work?

If youre saying drinks at 9:00 p.m., realistically youre not getting to someones home until 10 at the very earliest, then youre probably going to talk and flirt until at least 11, then youve got a couple hours for sex . . . and before you know it, its time to get up for work the next morning.

If schedules allow, plan your threesome for when everyone has the next day off, or at least a late start. And see if you can get things started earlier in the evening. If youre a night owl maybe its no problem, but consider that it can be a good three to four hours after meeting up before you get around to sex. And I, for one, am not at my best when its past my bedtime.

Its also helpful to have a predefined end time for the threesome date. That can save you some of the awkwardness at the end of the night when its time to leave, or when you want someone else to go. If youve agreed in advance, you can just say, "Oh, look at the time." Otherwise you might all be in a happy snuggle pile and then realize you need to start negotiating whether or not this is an overnight.

Speaking of overnights—are any of the people spending the night together? Its a good idea to decide in advance if theres an overnight happening. Not only will you need to pack the appropriate supplies, but you dont want to try and navigate this question in the middle of the night, when people might be tired or loopy from sex.

If your threesome is between people who are all involved with each other to some degree, its also useful to make clear if no one at all is spending the night together, or if two people are staying overnight and the third is going home. Whatever you decide, just make sure no one is surprised with this information when theyre loopy and tired.

If youre not spending the night together, how will the evening come to a close? Hopefully youve set an end time, but are there any other ways you can end the evening on a high note? One couple I sleep with is in the habit of bringing over homemade desserts. So after sex were motivated to get out of bed because theres pie, or chocolate mousse, or some other wonderful creation. Sharing a sweet treat is a great capstone for the nights activities, and also gives us a little closing ritual to smooth their transition out the door.

Does everyone have transportation? And will this be affected by potential intoxication? If youre not spending the night together, its important to know how everyone is getting home. Are they counting on a bus or train that stops running at a certain time? Were they planning to drive but now theyve had too much to drink? More than once Ive ended up with an overnight guest because it got too late for them to leave. If thats not an acceptable outcome for you, make sure youve planned ahead.

Taking Breaks

When my mother first gave me the sex talk, I had one question: what if you have to go to the bathroom? Her answer was simple and to the point—you excuse yourself and go. What 10-year-old me didnt know to ask was: what if you need a bathroom break from a threesome?

That may sound like another silly question, but think about it. You get up to pee, come back into the room a couple minutes later, and the two people you left in bed are fully immersed in some activity, maybe not even looking up as you come back in. How does that make you feel?

Maybe its no problem at all for you, and you simply dive back in. Or maybe you feel left out and cant imagine inserting yourself back into the activities. You might not know which of those camps you fall in until youre in that situation.

So its a great idea to negotiate how bathroom breaks (or any other breaks) will work in advance. For beginner threesomes, its the safest call to say the activities will pause anytime all participants arent present and accounted for. Then when everyone is back in the room, or back in the bed, you can dive back into whatever was happening.

Aside from needing to pee, what about other breaks? Its important that anyone can call a time out at any time, for any reason. Thats true for any kind of sex, and especially true for threesomes or group sex, when there are even more feelings and logistics to manage. And if someone does need a break, its everyone elses job to be a good sport about it. It will be easiest to do this if youve discussed taking breaks when youre negotiating, before any clothes have come off. It can even be a good idea to take a few pre-planned breaks, just to make sure everyone has a chance to catch their breath and check in with themselves and each other.

If you start to feel overwhelmed, its okay to ask for a pause. Check in with yourself, check in with the other people, and then decide if there are adjustments you can make that will make it comfortable to continue. Pushing yourself will only get you to a less happy breaking point later on.

What kind of adjustments can you make? Possibilities include scaling back in intensity, changing to a more familiar activity, or shifting the center of attention. If youve been trying a sex act thats brand new to you, how about shelving that and just kissing for a while? Or if you were in a supporting role and that stopped feeling good, what about asking the other two people to focus touch on you for a while?

Dont force yourself to continue—its far better to call it a night and try again another time than to push yourself too far and have an experience you regret, which may leave a bad taste in your mouth about threesomes.

Power Dynamics

Well talk about explicit kink power dynamics later on, but there are other forms of power and control—and theyre not always negotiated. Its a good idea to think about the power dynamics of your threesome, even in a vanilla context.

Who is the driving force? Who is calling the shots? In a threesome it can be helpful if someone is confidently moving the action forward—as long as everyone is on board. If someone is helpfully leading the way, thats great. But if it feels like someone is pushing, or directing a less enthusiastic partner or partners, that can be a problem. Sometimes people have such a clear idea about the threesome of their dreams, they start playing choreographer in the moment. But that can spoil the fun for everyone.

When youre negotiating your threesome, have a conversation about this. Is someone more experienced or full of more ideas? Does everyone want to empower them to be a group leader? Maybe someone is better at the scheduling aspects and takes charge of arranging dates and times for get-togethers.

Are all power dynamics transparent and consensual? While it can be super hot to play with power, make sure any power dynamic at play has been negotiated and agreed to by all parties. If you sense a power imbalance among the people involved, that can complicate consent.

Does it seem like someone is just being dragged along? Does someone appear to be calling the shots in a way not everyone agreed to? These should be big red flags.

Try to have these conversations first so you know what to expect, and if you notice power imbalances during your threesome that werent discussed, feel free to speak up.

Intoxication

An awful lot of threesome stories start with people at a bar or at home drinking. You hear about drunken threesomes that people cant even remember the next day—and is that really what we want from a fantasy weve been looking forward to?

Aside from being a waste of an opportunity, substance use of any kind alters our perception, and should be taken into account when considering everybodys ability to make judgment calls or give consent.

Its understandable to want some liquid courage when youre going out on a limb and trying something new, but getting tipsy (or high) before your threesome adventure can backfire in a number of ways. On the purely practical side, alcohol has a number of side effects that can get in the way of your sexual performance. From erection difficulties to vaginal dryness, cocktails might not be your friend. And beyond your genitals, drinking can cause headaches as well as tiredness—none of which contribute to arousal.

Another risk is that lowering inhibitions with substances can mean that boundaries you decided on in advance get forgotten in the moment. Or that you dive into play without even having a conversation about boundaries. Being intoxicated can also bring out aspects of your personality that are less welcome in a three-some—everything from being pushier than usual to more shy or withdrawn.

If you feel that you need to be altered in order to have a threesome, it could be a sign that youre not ready for this adventure just yet—and thats okay! Better to go slow and do things you feel good about sober than to push yourself and regret something later.

Everyone has a different relationship to various substances, and if you are used to marijuana for medical purposes, for example, some level of altered state may be your normal. Whats important is knowing what a baseline is for you—and your partners—so you dont run into any surprises in the moment.

Take into consideration whether this is your first threesome with a particular combination of people, or if youre all familiar with each other already. If youre all regular partners, you might feel comfortable being altered while having your tryst, because you have a better idea of everyones needs and boundaries. But if anyone new is in the mix, you might not even know what their baseline looks like, which can make it tricky to judge how intoxicated someone even is.

Think Im overstating the problems of intoxication? Heres an example from a friend of mine:

_I had an impromptu threesome with a girlfriend and her coworker. Theyd gone out to drinks and then come back to my house to hang out. They smoked some weed, one thing led to another, and then they were making out. After a bit they suggested we all fool around._

_At the time, I didnt know better. I should have stopped to have some kind of discussion. Instead I just went for it, and we all went in the bedroom and had a good time. We cuddled a little afterwards, and then I took them both to their homes._

_The next day, both of them were calling me and blaming me for roping them into something they didnt want to do. Even though it was their idea, and they started making out with each other first, they were the ones drinking and smoking weed, so I became the bad guy._

_I know now that, had I stopped and had conversations with them and discussed boundaries, if nothing else, the fallout the next day wouldve been less._

You have to ask yourself, is having a threesome worth the relationship and friendship fallout after the fact, if not everyone feels good about what happened? Not only that, but depending on what country or state youre in, there are laws on the books that cover whether someone is even capable of giving consent when theyre intoxicated.

Remember, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Better to wait and see if people are still into the idea when everyone is sober. If so, you can always schedule to get together again.

Play Party Negotiation

Going to a play party means planning for being in a potentially loud and crowded space, where it may be difficult to check in on the fly. So its helpful to negotiate in advance as much as you possibly can, to avoid trying to make snap decisions at the party.

For starters, decide why youre going. As with the options weve already covered, maybe youre going as a way to explore a sexual environment, or to meet a potential third. Knowing why youre going helps begin the discussion about what youre going to do there.

For example, if youre going to a party to explore the environment and watch people play, maybe one of the prenegotiations is that youre not playing with any other people on that visit.

Maybe that sounds pretty simple, but think of it this way— what happens if you dont discuss this in advance, and then at the party, someone approaches one or both of you? Suddenly youre on the spot in an environment that doesnt lend itself to lengthy, thoughtful conversations, and youve got a decision to make. All too often, this leads to trouble. Maybe both people are trying to guess what the other wants, and they guess wrong. Its common for people to not want to disappoint a partner, and as a result, agree to more than theyre comfortable with on the fly.

Unfortunately, this can lead to regrets and hurt feelings and might sour one or both people on the idea of parties or threesomes altogether.

So decide in advance whats on the table for any potential visit. Here are some things to consider:

▶ Watching other people have sex.

▶ Having sex with each other in a private space.

▶ Having sex with each other where other people can watch.

▶ Flirting with other people together.

▶ Flirting with other people separately.

▶ Playing with other people together.

▶ Playing with other people separately.

▶ The kinds of people you might play with; men, women, nonbinary people, couples, etc.

▶ Safer sex boundaries and barrier use.

And although check-ins during a party can be tricky, theyre not impossible, and theyre an important step. Even if something comes up thats within the boundaries youve discussed, make time to check in with each other before moving forward.

For example, if youve agreed that playing with other people is on the table, and someone approaches you and asks about play, make sure you take a moment to step outside or find a quiet area to discuss with your partner before proceeding. Just because playing with other people is an option, it doesnt mean every potential person will be a good fit. And its important to step out of the situation to have the conversation, so you dont have the pressure of the other person listening while you discuss.

While it might feel risky to step away and come back, anyone worth playing with will support what you need to feel safe and comfortable. If they require a snap decision without giving you time to think or talk, theyre likely a bad fit in other ways, too.

Privacy

Some people are so open about their sex lives they publish books about it, others dont want it talked about beyond the people theyre actually having sex with. Where do you fall on that spectrum?

If privacy is important to you, this is something to consider as part of your negotiation. Are you all going to tell your friends about the hot time you had, or are you keeping these memories to yourself? If you dont want to be outed as a threesome-haver, be sure everyone involved knows that.

If youre sleeping with people who have other partners, theres a good chance they tell those other partners what theyve been up to. Again, if privacy is a concern, ask that the partner be told this should stay private, or see if sharing activities without names is an option.

Play parties and kink spaces often follow the motto that what happens there stays there. But thats in a perfect world. If youre checking out a public space, see what their website has to say about things like a photo policy. Most spaces dont allow phones or photos (but may have an official house photographer), but check to make sure their policies align with your needs.

Of course, at public events its also possible youll run into friends or coworkers. My stance is usually that if you see them there—youre both there—so theres a mutually assured destruction if they try to out you. Even so, thats not an encounter everyone wants to have. Be sure to consider your personal risk tolerance for these encounters before heading out.

Keep in mind that if you go from the occasional threesome to actually dating multiple people, privacy becomes more complicated. It can also become an ethical issue if youre asking another person to hide part of who they are, or if youre hiding them from friends and family.

One benefit of being out as a threesome enthusiast, or about being nonmonogamous, is that its easier to find partners! If folks know what youre into or available for, they might approach you. If youre private about it, youll have to do all the approaching.