Input:
 Create a chapter about the various configurations of threesomes, including:

1. A discussion on the importance of considering what kind of interactions you want between the people involved in a threesome.
2. An explanation that a threesome doesn't have to be a free-for-all between all parties and that there can be various arrangements, such as V-shaped or hierarchical ones.
3. A reminder to decide on the desired type of connections and negotiate with the individuals involved to see if desires and attractions align.
4. A personal anecdote about a recent threesome that exemplifies the concept of different combinations and the process of negotiation.
5. A section about sexual safety, including the use of gloves and condoms during the threesome.
6. An emphasis on the fact that sexuality or identity doesn't guarantee interest or attraction and that assumptions should not be made about who is up for what.
7. A discussion on the importance of not faking pleasure and the potential negative consequences of doing so.
8. A warning against participating in sex you don't want to be having and the potential harm it can cause to you and your relationships.
9. An exploration of the common assumption that all women are bisexual and the problems with this assumption.
10. An explanation of the various gender and sexuality configurations that are possible in threesomes, emphasizing that any combination of three people can have a threesome.
11. A discussion on the common media portrayal of threesomes involving one man and two women and the problems with this portrayal.
12. A reminder to avoid using exclusionary or fetishizing language when looking for a couple or a third for a threesome.
13. A discussion on the assumption that all women are bisexual and the problems with this assumption.
14. An explanation of the recent study that led to headlines about women being turned on by everything and the problems with these headlines.
15. A reminder to never make assumptions about someone's sexuality or their turn-ons and to explicitly ask what people enjoy.
16. A section about considerations when dealing with two straight men in a threesome, including the potential for discomfort and the importance of communication and respect.
17. A suggestion that the men involved in a threesome be friends or already know each other to help alleviate any potential discomfort.
18. An emphasis on the importance of using respectful language when negotiating boundaries in a threesome.
19. A reminder that actions don't dictate identity and that a heterosexual or straight identity doesn't have to be a tight box you find yourself in.

Response:
CHAPTER

10

HOW DO SEXUALITIES ALIGN?

How Will People Combine?

One of the things you need to think about when planning a threesome is what kind of interactions you want between the people involved. A threesome doesnt have to be a free-for-all between all parties. Maybe its a _V-_ shaped arrangement, with one person the center of attention. This could be for any number of reasons, from relationship agreements, to sexualities and attraction, to some of the participants having a more platonic connection.

So, when thinking about combinations, decide what kind of connections youre hoping to have, in order to inform partner choice, and then negotiate with the individuals in question to see if desires and attractions align.

While my general preference in threesomes is for everyone to be into everyone, sometimes its nice to be the center of attention. It can also simplify the negotiation, as well as the position choice. And remember, there are different ways to be "into" someone. At a minimum, everyone should be comfortable together and friendly. But that can happen without everyone kissing or engaging in sexual touch.

In a recent threesome I had with two men, I simply asked them, "Are you interested in interacting with each other, or do you both want to focus on me?" I knew both of the men to be open to play with other men, but thats no guarantee they were attracted to each other. They also didnt know each other very well. I was the connection between the two. Because of this, I also took the lead on negotiation.

I was on a date with one of the men, and the other was a friend and occasional play partner. We were at a play party, which made it easy to transition from flirting to negotiating to playing. We simply moved from a social area to a small room with a bed (but no door, so people could watch.)

To help with sexual safety, the men wore gloves when fingering me, and wore condoms for oral and vaginal sex. We ended up in the _spit-roast_ position, which youll read about in a few chapters, and aside from a high five over my back at my encouragement, the fellas didnt really make much contact.

Even so, it was a playful encounter for everyone, with the men chatting and joking, and everyone finding a place to put a hand, or place a kiss.

Remember that sexuality or identity wont guarantee interest or attraction—or lack thereof. You dont expect all straight men and all straight women to be into each other, so remember its no more likely that all bisexual people would be into each other, either.

Not only that, but activities and labels dont have to align in any particular way. Someone can identify as straight and still want to explore kissing, touching, or more with someone of the same gender. And the opposite is true, too. So make sure you go into negotiations without making any assumptions about who is up for what. You simply need to ask everyone what theyre interested in and give them space to explore.

Dont Fake It

Faking any kind of pleasure is a bad idea. Not only are you not enjoying yourself—hence the faking—but youre misleading the other people involved. I think this is a problem on an ethical level, but it also creates a practical issue—if someone thinks you enjoy something, theyre going to keep doing it. Thats why faking orgasms is such a problem. You create a loop where someone keeps doing what you dont enjoy, you keep faking it, and you dont get to adjust to something you would enjoy.

With threesomes, sometimes people agree to the adventure just to please a partner. But thats risky and likely to backfire. While maybe you can sit through a movie youre not jazzed about because your partner is into it, thats a far cry from participating in sex you dont want to be having.

It simply isnt good for you to try and do sexy things youre not into. It will create negative associations around sex that can have a lasting impact, and it can build resentment towards your partner that can poison the relationship.

Not only that, but people can tell. A third will know if youre not really into them or arent excited about them touching your partner. At best it will be awkward, at worst the whole thing will melt down.

Sometimes people say theyre game for same-sex action as part of a threesome because they think its whats expected, even if theyre not into it. Same as above, this is a bad idea.

Its one thing to be unsure and curious. Simply let the people involved know that this is an experiment for you and you might need to stop.

But if you _know_ youre not into it, dont just grit your teeth and play along. There are plenty of ways to have a threesome that dont include all parties doing all the things with everyone. So find ways to participate that stay well within your comfort zone, and everyone will have a much better time.

The bottom line is that it isnt fair to you, or to anyone else involved, to engage in any forms of sex or play youre not enthusiastic about.

Heres what one woman had to say:

_Dont have sex with a couple unless you want to have sex with BOTH of them: a cautionary tale._

_Once I had a big crush on a girl I worked with. She was voluptuous, with curly long raven hair and a sly smile. We flirted a bit, but I was young and a #newqueer so I didnt know how to make the first move. Eventually she asked me out for drinks. I was so excited, I bought a new dress for the occasion. When I got there, my stomach dropped when I saw a man with her, her boyfriend._

_I figured I had misunderstood the signals. Disappointing, but I decided to just go with it. We all played pool, and I eventually suggested we go to the lesbian bar, hoping I could meet someone there. When we got there, we all got a little drunk, and then it became apparent to me what was happening._

_All of a sudden I was being grinded on by her boyfriend in the back and her in the front. We started kissing, so I let him do whatever he was doing back there, I was just so thrilled to be kissing her._

_We eventually moved to their hot tub, where I continued to focus on her—he penetrated me without checking in, and kept gnawing at my breasts. The sex we had was fine, but I felt constantly annoyed by his presence._

The Assumptions

If youre googling around or looking for stock photos of threesomes, youre likely to find a man with two women. (Likely all cisgendered, white, and thin, too.) This hardly represents the infinite range of combinations a threesome can include. Still, a threesome is one of the most common fantasies among heterosexual or heterosexual-leaning couples, so this combination is one of the most common.

Why is the third more often depicted as a woman? All too often, men in relationships think the idea of their partner with another woman is hot, while the idea of her with another man is out of the question. Add to that our cultures prevailing homophobia, and youve got a recipe for FMF threesomes.

And theres certainly nothing wrong with that alignment of people. Just remember how easy it is to get into trouble when youre making assumptions rather than explicit negotiations. And make sure everything about who is included and how theyre interacting gets discussed well in advance.

Other Gender and Sexuality Configurations

Any combination of three people you can imagine can have a threesome!

Be careful about using exclusionary or fetishizing language when looking for a couple or a third for your threesome. While you may have a particular combination of people in mind, there are lots of options, so dont make the mistake of thinking other people have the same assumptions as you.

The best threesomes embrace the spirit of exploration, so take a close look at what assumptions youre making and pick those assumptions apart. When you sat down and thought about why you wanted to have a threesome—what were your answers? And are those answers gender dependent? Theres a good chance most of the things you want can happen with any combination of people.

No, All Women Arent Bi

Through a combination of mediocre science, bad media interpretations of that science, and general cultural assumptions, people seem to assume all women are bisexual, or at least heteroflexible.

Lets dig into this science a bit.

The recent studyvi that led to a flurry of these overly simplistic headlines measured arousal by monitoring vaginal lubrication or blood flow in women and level of erection in men. Research of this kind often receives criticism for including only cisgendered people, ignoring trans and nonbinary identities. Not only that, but lubrication to erection is not an apples-to-apples methodology.vii

Those problems aside, what the study found was that women tend to respond to "sexually relevant stimuli" across a wide range of images. For example, pictures of men together, women together, and even animals.

At the same time that they were checking in with the genitals, the study participants had a dial to turn in order to indicate their subjective arousal—meaning whether or not they were into the image they were seeing.

The difference between what our brains are thinking and what our genitals are doing is referred to as _arousal nonconcordance._ For example, if a woman experienced increased vaginal lubrication or blood flow while looking at an image, but her mental response was one of no interest in the image, that would be described as arousal nonconcordance.

In Emily Nagoskis _Come As You Are,_ she summarizes this research as showing a roughly 50% agreement between genital response and subjective arousal for men, and only 10% for women.

Unfortunately, the media hot take was that women are turned on by everything—which is absolutely not true. A better take would be that genital response often isnt in alignment with actual interest, so we have to believe what people tell us— imagine that!

This means that being wet or hard isnt the same as being turned on, and being dry or soft isnt the same as being turned off. This can be a difficult reframe, because we often use the words _hard_ or _wet_ as a stand-in for saying someone was turned on.

Another studyviii conducted by the CDC found that more than 5% of women identified as bisexual, versus roughly 2% of men. Right off the bat, you need to be suspicious of any self-reporting survey, as there is always a cultural bias to consider.

In this case, its impossible to separate cultural stigma against bisexuality when it comes to self-reporting. The lower number of men identifying as bisexual could be influenced by greater stigma against bisexual men, as well as greater homophobia directed at men. While on the flip side, bisexuality in women (at least in a performative way) is often encouraged.

What does this mean for you?

Never make assumptions about someones sexuality or their turn-ons. Be sure to explicitly ask what people enjoy. Youll likely get a lot of valuable information.

Dont assume that all women are up for girl-on-girl action. Or that women are naturally any more flexible in their sexuality than men are. (Or people of other genders, for that matter.)

You should also know that there isnt an out bi woman on the planet who hasnt been propositioned for a threesome. Maybe even more times than she can count. It tends to be peoples go-to response when hearing about your identity. So even when a woman does self-identify as bisexual, remember that doesnt necessarily mean shes into threesomes, and it certainly doesnt mean shes automatically interested in a threesome with you. So follow all the guidelines here about treating people with respect, and youll have much better chances.

Considerations with Two Straight Men

While the culture is beginning to shift, many people grew up surrounded by homophobia, and that can make the idea of being naked in a sexual space with another man feel a little fraught. Not only that, but depending on the positions youre choosing, there may be some close contact between two men. With some positions (double penetration, etc.) there may even be genital to genital contact.

You probably already know if youre completely against any of the above—but what about if youre not sure? If youre still figuring out how you feel about the situation, be sure to go slowly. Set clear boundaries and let everyone involved know that youre exploring your feelings and may need to slow down or stop.

From people whove talked to me about their experiences, it often seems to work better if the men involved are already friends. The threesome can even function as a platonic bonding experience, and this works especially well if the overall tone of the experience is playful. (Look for positions later on that include a jovial high five.)

For folks who engage in open relationships, a likely combination is a woman with two men who are already her partners. In this case, the men are hopefully already at least friendly with each other, if not friends. And the existing rapport with the woman can help ease any potential discomfort.

If youre looking for a third man for an MFM threesome, where the men wont be sexually involved with each other, you still want the fellas to get along. So even if youre starting with a stranger youve met online, for example, you want everyone to meet up and make sure they enjoy each others company.

Heres what John Strange had to say,

_I am attracted enough to men to admire their sexiness at a short distance, but not enough that kissing them stops feeling awkward and unsatisfying. (Why bother when there are WOMEN in the world?) In a threesome with a woman and another man, the heat of my interaction with her thins the wall of heterosexuality just enough that the inherent awkwardness of being naked and aroused with another man disappears, because she can be the focus of my energy, and he and I are aligned rather than interacting together._

_Plus, I have a very strong voyeuristic impulse. Even with a mirror there are limits to how well I can watch my lover when I am having sex with them. In a threesome, I get to see a lover deep in her passion in a way I cannot otherwise._

If youre going to negotiate an MFM threesome where the guys keep their distance from each other, be careful of the language you use to negotiate that. Ive heard people say, half joking, "no gay stuff." While that might sound harmless, remember that you dont know where the other person is coming from, and this can easily offend. Not to mention the offense you may give to anyone else within ear shot. If you dont want sexual contact with someone, thats always your choice to make, but be sure to make your preference known in a respectful way.

Its also worth remembering that actions dont dictate identity. There are no "straight police" who will come and take your straight card away if they find out you were naked with another guy, or even kissed or went down on another guy.

This behavior is in fact so common that there have been sociological studies done on the phenomenon. A 2018 article in the _Journal of Sexualities_ discusses it thusly,

_Based on their patterns of sexual interpretation, we discuss how these men make their same-sex desires and behaviours consistent with a primary self-identification as straight. We argue that, in the process of maintaining identities as straight men, they change the definition of heterosexuality, in effect turning it into a considerably elastic category that is perceived as fully compatible with having and enacting same-sex desires. ix_

Or, to paraphrase, a heterosexual or straight identity doesnt have to be a tight box you find yourself in. You always get to choose how you identify, regardless of what behaviors you engage in. In fact, many straight men may choose to have these explorations with other straight men because of the safety they feel in that shared identity.


Input:
 Write a chapter about finding people for threesomes, including:

1. An introduction on the idea of becoming a "threesome person" and the importance of cultivating a certain lifestyle and friend group to make threesomes more likely.
2. A discussion on the importance of being well-acquainted with sexual safety, testing, barrier use, and having safer-sex talks.
3. An emphasis on the importance of communication and being adept at expressing desires and boundaries.
4. A reminder to treat people like people, not like sex toys or threesome vending machines.
5. A discussion on the qualities that make someone a good threesome partner, including being a good communicator, having a wide and varied sexual skill set, and being free of "drama".
6. A reminder that these awesome lovers with good boundaries are also going to be screening you and that you should work on becoming all of these things yourself.
7. A discussion on how to become a "threesome couple", including the importance of liking each other, being solid in your relationship, and giving each other space and coming together for occasional check-ins.
8. An introduction to the idea of avoiding culture clash and learning about the differences in each microculture to avoid accidentally putting your foot in your mouth.
9. A discussion on the importance of treating people with respect and learning about the differences in each microculture to avoid accidentally putting your foot in your mouth.
10. A reminder that showing up in an online chat room or public meet-up and the first things you have to say are what youre looking for will be shut down in just about any community.
11. A suggestion to get to know people first and become known in whatever community youre joining.
12. A discussion on the different microcultures you might encounter, including swinger culture, kink events, polyamory events, and queer meet-ups and parties.
13. An explanation of the differences in each microculture, including the vibe, the gender balance, and the codes of conduct.
14. A reminder to do your research first and show up in good faith as a participant to the event, and be willing to watch and learn.
15. A discussion on the importance of knowing what you're looking for in a threesome partner, including attraction, communication skills, and emotional maturity.
16. A reminder to screen for the same things you would in any dating or hookup scenario, including asking questions about someones exes, previous sexual adventures, or other threesomes.
17. An explanation of the pros and cons of choosing an existing friend or someone new for a threesome.
18. A discussion on the different considerations when choosing an existing friend or someone new, including comfort, familiarity, and the potential for hurt feelings.
19. A discussion on the different options for finding threesome partners, including clubs and public parties, cruises and retreats, private parties, and classes.
20. An emphasis on the importance of being respectful and following the culture and etiquette of the group when attending polyamory meet-ups.
21. A reminder to be friendly and polite when approaching someone for a threesome and to make sure they know if youre part of a couple.
22. A suggestion to work into the conversation that you and your partner are in an open relationship or open to multiperson play if you feel comfortable in the space.
23. A reminder to be honest when giving compliments and not to claim attraction where there isnt any.
24. A suggestion to take a break and come back to it when you can have a positive outlook and approach if youre feeling burned out.

Source:
x. "The Summer of George." Seinfeld. Season 8, episode 22. Directed by Andy Ackerman. Written by Jennifer Crittenden, Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer, and David Mandel. Aired May 1, 1997, on NBC.

Response:
CHAPTER

11

HOW TO MEET PEOPLE FOR THREESOMES

Becoming a Threesome Person

Theres an episode of the TV series _Seinfeld_ thats a prime example of sitcom relationship logic. In the episode, Seinfelds friend, Costanza, advises that, instead of being direct and breaking up with someone, Seinfeld should propose a threesome so his girlfriend will be offended and break up with him.

Then comes the scene that has stayed with me for life, that I regularly quote to myself, for my own amusement. Seinfeld tells Costanza that the plan didnt work because, "Shes into it . . . and the roommate is into it too."x

Constanza equates this to discovering plutonium by accident—because, of course, everyone is supposed to consider a threesome the ultimate goal.

But Seinfeld says he cant do it, because hes not an "orgy guy." He says that if he were going to do it hed need to change everything about himself, going on to itemize the way orgy guys behave, with special outfits, new toiletries, different furniture, and perhaps my favorite, "new friends—orgy friends."

And while this is all meant to be a punchline, because people who participate in any non-normative sex are an easy target, theres a bit of truth to it. Goodness knows there are no shortage of robes or lotions in my house, and I do put special thought into my bedspreads and lighting.

Of course, having a threesome or two doesnt mean you need a whole new lifestyle and whole new friend group. But you may find that running in "orgy guy" circles does make threesomes more likely.

While there are people who seemingly trip and fall into threesomes on a regular basis, there are others who have been desperate for threesomes for years and cant seem to make it happen. Some of it is a matter of luck, and some of it depends on other factors, like the culture in the city or town where you live. But a lot of it comes down to the lifestyle and friend groups that you cultivate.

If you are actively part of sex-positive, open-relationship, and kink communities, youre going to have a lot more access to the people and places that make threesomes more likely to happen. If youre part of a monogamous couple, have mostly monogamous friends, and arent active in any sex-based communities, its going to be a little trickier to get started.

The good news is that all of this is ultimately under your control. The question is how much time and energy you want to put into making a threesome happen—especially if youre interested in a one-off more than a lifestyle.

So what now? Start by talking to your friends. You might be surprised to learn theyre more sexually adventurous than youd realized. Its possible you already have an in to these communities and just didnt know it.

Aside from the crowd you run with, there are other ways to become a "threesome person," and theyre all well within reach.

▶ For starters, become well acquainted with sexual safety, testing, barrier use, and having safer-sex talks.

▶ Become adept at communication—communicating your own desires and boundaries, as well as ways to check in with the other people involved.

▶ Think critically about your interactions and expectations to ensure that you treat people like people, not like sex toys or threesome vending machines.

What else does it mean to be a threesome person, or an orgy guy? Think about all the qualities youre hoping for in a threesome partner or partners. Youre probably hoping for someone who is a good communicator. Someone who doesnt have a lot of "drama" in their life. Someone who is good at boundaries and also has a wide and varied sexual skill set. Am I on the right track?

Remember that these awesome lovers with good boundaries are also going to be screening _you._ So if you want them to judge you threesome worthy, try to become all of these things yourself.

Keep all of this in mind as you try to meet someone new for a threesome. If you burn out on online dating or trying to meet a stranger, circle back to this conversation. Decide how badly you want to have a threesome. If you want it badly enough, it might be worth a lifestyle shift.

Becoming a Threesome Couple

The following pages are going to tell you about places you can go and things you can do to try and find partners for your threesome fantasy. But the number one most effective way to find a third is to be the kind of couple a third would want to be with.

We just talked about some ways to be a threesome person— and those all apply to the individuals in a couple. But what else?

Make sure you two actually _like_ each other. Ive gotten a surprising number of couples in my office who filled out intake forms saying they want to explore threesomes or open relationships or kink, and then they sit at the opposite ends of the couch and dont make eye contact.

Ive said it before, and Ill say it again. If youre having problems in your relationship, a threesome is not the solution. Work on the relationship first, then level up to new adventures when you two are solid.

I say this not only because a threesome, should you line one up, will likely backfire for you two if your relationship isnt solid. But because your third will be able to tell. You probably wont be able to find a third person, and if you do, they probably wont last long.

You want to move into this process feeling solid and confident in your relationship. Because thats going to show as youre out mingling and mixing. Thats the dynamic that thirds will want to be part of.

When youre out at an event together, give each other some space and come together for the occasional check-in. Its important to trust each other enough to do a bit of exploring on your own, and then to come back together and see how each of you are feeling. This confident and secure behavior will be visible to others. And this is what your potential partners want to see.

Laughing, joking, being playful—the elements were likely to want in an eventual threesome—can be on display while youre out at a party or event. People gravitate to that kind of energy. So if you want to find a third for a threesome, be the couple the third wants to be with.

Avoiding Culture Clash

Going looking for threesome partners is likely to send you into communities you might not be familiar with. In addition to treating people with respect, its worth learning about the differences in each microculture so you dont accidentally put your foot in your mouth.

If you show up in an online chat room—or public meet-up— and the first things you have to say are what youre looking for, youll be shut down in just about any community.

But that doesnt mean there isnt a time and a place for the personal ad style approach, it just means you need to get to know people first and become known in whatever community youre joining. If youve only shown up to cruise, youll be spotted a mile away and likely wont get the time of day.

In swinger culture and at swinger clubs, the vibe is usually very couples-centric. And theyre predominantly cisgendered, heterosexual couples. Many events will be only for couples, or for couples and single women. When events are open to everyone, they sometimes explicitly limit the number of single men allowed to attend, or they balance the numbers by charging far more for single men (and the lowest price for single women).

While gender-based pricing isnt my jam, I understand why its the norm in some of those communities. When the majority of people showing up to play are heterosexual, and couples, theyre looking for _gender balance._ If that falls in line with what youre looking for—great! However, if you fall outside of those particular lines, these events might not feel super comfortable for you.

While things vary regionally and even between clubs, swinger events often have some amount of casual touching. Meaning, someone might put a hand on your arm or shoulder while talking to you. Sometimes theyll go even further than that, waiting for a "no" rather than asking for a "yes." Again, these standards arent my personal preference, but they seem to work for a lot of people. So make sure to read up on what youre getting yourself into, and feel out the space for codes of conduct before getting in too deep.

In swinger spaces, its also not uncommon for people to play in private rooms with a door open, or even in more public places, if they want someone to join in. Generally, the etiquette here is simply to ask if someone is looking for company. (Always ask first!) If a door is closed, however, people are not to be disturbed.

Kink events tend to be much more strict about consent than swinger parties. While rules can vary, expect there to be no touch whatsoever without asking, and that applies to peoples toys, too.

Sometimes kink events will be held in swinger clubs, or other shared venues, and sometimes they will be in dedicated play spaces. If a venue is a full-time dungeon, be prepared to see kink furniture and equipment. Check out the party or venue website to get an idea of what youre walking into.

If the idea of seeing people hitting each other (spanking, flogging, etc.) is a turn-off, these parties probably arent for you. Youre also likely to hear a fair amount of screaming.

Some kink parties allow sex, and some only allow BDSM play, while still others draw arbitrary lines around sex or nudity. I used to help out at one kink party held at a bar that had to follow state laws for bars and restaurants, and that led to many silly rules—like people with penises could be nude, but had to be facing a wall. Its also possible that a party will allow penetration with fingers or toys, but not with a penis.

Depending on the size and culture of the event, people may be mostly playing with folks they know already or had prearranged plans with, or they may be open to pickup play. Keep in mind, though, that at a kink event pickup play may well include only kink activities, not sex. So if youre curious about threeway kink dynamics, or watching a partner get spanked, etc., this could be a good fit.

* * *

If youre going to polyamory events, theyre more likely to be meet-ups in public places and other mixer-type events. These can be great places to meet friends and build community, but theyre rarely a good place to actively recruit for partners. Some polyamory communities will host speed-dating events or other similar mixers, and these may be a good fit.

You might also find a variety of queer meet-ups and parties. If you dont identify as queer, or as falling somewhere on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, these events are probably not for you. Showing up only to find a partner is likely to be seen as fetishizing and objectifying and will lead to ill will and no dates.

However, if these labels or identities do apply to you, or to the partner youre hoping to have a threesome with, these events could be a good fit—with caution.

If youre showing up only to cruise, its not going to work out. Like polyamory meet-ups, queer events are a good chance to make friends and build community—and yes, some of those connections may lead to dates and partners down the line. But these events arent a good fit if youre looking for instant gratification on the threesome front.

Whatever events youre planning to go to, or communities youre hoping to join, do your research first. Show up in good faith as a participant to the event, and be willing to watch and learn.

What Are You Looking For?

Have you thought about who your ideal threesome buddies are? Whether youre a couple looking for a third, or a solo person looking for one or two others, youll want to find people who are the best fit for you.

Believe it or not, attraction is the easy part. You know who youre attracted to, or you know it when you see it. But there are other important traits that you cant tell just by looking at somebody. As we talk about negotiations and safer sex talks, well go into some detail about what to look for in those conversations—but what about overall traits that make someone a good threesome candidate?

Ideally, you want any sex partner to be good at communication. And thats doubly (triply?) true when it comes to threesomes or any other varsity-level adventure. If someone cant speak up for themselves about what they do or dont want, youre way more likely to run into trouble, either during the threesome itself or afterwards. So only play with people who demonstrate they know what theyre getting themselves into and have the language to talk about it.

One example of this to look out for is whether someone demonstrates the ability to say "no." Has the person youre thinking of playing with always agreed to your choice of restaurant, the movie you want to see, and every sex adventure youve proposed? This could be a sign that they havent figured out their own boundaries or that they have trouble expressing them. And this can spell trouble down the line.

Similar to communication skills, you want to look out for emotional maturity. Can someone talk about sex and body parts without falling into giggles? Sure, some of this stuff is silly or even embarrassing, but its important that people can say the words if theyre going to do the deeds.

When looking for threesome partners, screen for a lot of the same things you would in any dating or hookup scenario. Ask questions about someones exes, previous sexual adventures, or other threesomes. Watching how people talk about previous partners is a great way to find out how they see people. Sure, weve all had one (or two) relationships that werent great, but if someone has a long list of horrible exes they want to tell you about, run the other way. And pay attention to the language theyre using, too. Calling an ex "crazy" or any other similar term is a bad sign.

Another great way to find out more about a potential partner is by asking what their deal-breakers are. Some people dont want to date smokers or people with certain political views. Thats fine, we all have our preferences. But if they start talking about peoples bodies, or talking in generally insulting ways about other humans, thats often a bad sign. Trust your gut and the feeling you get about someone.

While at first it may seem tricky to find people to engage in a threesome with you, youll get the hang of it eventually. And even if partners are feeling scarce, its not worth compromising on the things that are important to you—you simply wont have a very good time, or youll run into trouble after playing. So hold out for people youre really excited about.

Existing Friend(s) or Someone New?

When an existing couple starts discussing the idea of a threesome, the question of who to add is usually one of the first that comes up. Generally, people have strong feelings about whether friends, coworkers, or acquaintances should be potential thirds.

Some people feel the most comfortable with people already in their circles. Others dont like the idea of mixing their sex lives with their social or work dynamics. There isnt a right or wrong answer here, it all comes down to personal preference.

The benefit of choosing someone you know is that there may already be some comfort and familiarity. Perhaps you know someones outlook on relationships is compatible with your own, or youve heard their stories and know theyre adventurous. Hanging out before the threesome might also feel easier if youre all at least friendly, as the conversation can flow more smoothly if you have friends, hobbies, or other things in common.

The potential downside of having a threesome with someone in your social circle is that youre going to keep running into them. If you all have an amazing time, maybe thats a bonus. But if things go sideways and there are hurt feelings, it could put a wrench in social plans if they become someone you want to avoid. Another consideration is whether youre looking for a sexy one-off or whether youre open to an ongoing thing. If you want to have sex and never speak of it again, thatll be extra tricky with someone who is already part of your life.

A potential compromise between these scenarios is someone you already know, but who doesnt live local to you. Then you have the benefits of familiarity without worrying about seeing them at every weekly game night.

A long-distance tryst can also mean coupling the adventure with another common desire enhancer—a vacation! Maybe you take a trip to where this third person lives and make a weekend out of it. Plus, being in a hotel room might feel more comfortable for an activity that already feels edgy, so your personal bedroom can remain a sacred space.

Not all friends or acquaintances are equal when it comes to threesome potential. Its worth considering exactly what the relationship is or was. What about exes? A surprising number of people bring an ex back into the mix if theres still chemistry and friendly connection—after all, if you already know the sex works well between you, thats one less variable. But depending on the other person or relationship involved, it might feel emotionally risky to bring a sexual relationship with an ex into play.

Its not at all uncommon for someone to have an office crush—so should that person be a potential threesome buddy? Similar to the considerations of a friend or acquaintance, but significantly multiplied if this is a person youre going to have to see every day for the rest of your time at that job, it might not be worth the risk of making things weird. And this goes doubly if theres a power differential between you at work. Being mindful of these power dynamics is so important that many workplaces (along with schools and universities) have explicit policies against these relationships.

If youre in an open relationship already, are partners partners fair game? I tried this once (introducing my boyfriend to my girlfriend), and the two hit it off so well I ended up in an accidental triad. Whether you consider that a pro or a con depends on your preferences and relationship philosophies.

Theres also a difference between serious relationships and casual play partners. While bringing multiple serious partners together can have consequences, it can actually work quite well if everyone is a more casual sexual partner.

Three Solo Folks

While youre unlikely to line up two separate dates on one of the apps, threesomes do happen between otherwise unattached parties. I see this most commonly at play parties or sex clubs, where you have ample chance to meet people looking for these kinds of experiences. But they can certainly manifest from other group outings or parties at someones home.

When everyone involved is new to each other, all the negotiations need to be done from scratch. So be sure theres enough of a check-in that everyone is getting their needs met and has established boundaries.

Sometimes a pair of friends might like engaging in a threesome together, with or without sexual contact between them. Check out the considerations for existing dyads (couples) if this applies to you. While some of that advice assumes a romantic partnership, any existing connection will have unique boundaries.

There can also be threesomes between people who are friends or casual acquaintances, but where there are no existing sexual partnerships in the group. Again, these most easily manifest at parties, but if youve got sexually open and adventurous friends, its also possible to propose a threesome outside of a party context.

Clubs and Public Parties

If you live in or near a city of any size, you probably have access to sex clubs or venues that host sex parties. In smaller or more conservative areas these may be house parties, where you need to know someone to get invited. In Chapter 5 we discussed using parties as a way to dip your toes into exploration—here are some additional considerations for when youre ready to meet threesome partners.

Bigger clubs and venues will have an online presence, and you should be able to find them by googling "sex club + my city," or "swinger club + my city." Be ready for the term "lifestyle" club, sometimes used as code for swinger. There may also be kink and BDSM spaces that have some parties that are more sex focused. Check out Fetlife.com for event listings as well as Meetup.com for sex-positive groups in your area. Some of these venues will even have a presence on other social media, like Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

Even before you attend one of these events, the social media pages for the venues or parties can be a good way to meet people who are open-minded and interested in multiperson play. Read the threads and comments for a while before you post to get an idea of the tone of the group and to see if personal-ad style posts are allowed or common.

Each event will have its own set of rules and its own culture, so be sure to read all of the posted event rules and any advice posts specific to the party or club. Then, when you go, try to have low expectations. A first visit is just a fact-finding mission. Youre discovering if you like the vibe of the space and if the people seem like your kind of folks.

Many parties will have a host or hosts who you can chat with about what to expect, or who can possibly give you a tour of the space. Take advantage of these offers when theyre available, because getting comfortable in the space will benefit you in the long run.

Some parties might be very pickup play oriented, and at others people will largely play with their dates or with people they had advance plans with. Either way, they can be a good opportunity to meet people.

Just because you meet someone at a club or party doesnt necessarily mean you have to play there. The benefit of playing in the space is built-in safety—being in public, and not having to share addresses. But the downsides can be that play is time limited, and it can be trickier to negotiate at a party thats loud and crowded. You may decide to exchange info and meet up another time, either for a date to get to know each other better, or to simply have the threesome in one of your homes.

If you are going to negotiate a first-time threesome at a party, be sure youve got any preexisting negotiations with your partner(s) down solid and that you know exactly what questions you want to ask the new person—and what answers you want to hear.

If threesomes and/or group play become a regular thing for you, parties can be a great space for that. Once youre comfortable with the setting and with the process of negotiation, its helpful to have a neutral space to go. It can feel safer to not share addresses, and it can also feel more emotionally tidy to not bring new partners home.

Cruises and Retreats

While more on the swinger side of things, there are even cruises and resort takeovers for people in the "lifestyle."

If youre committed to your group sex fantasies and youve got time and money to spare, these events can be a way to have a sexual adventure and work on your tan all at the same time.

Private Parties

If you cant find what youre looking for, make it yourself!

While probably not a move for the absolute beginner, once you start to make sex-positive friends, hosting your own sexy party can be a great way to meet people for threesomes. And if youre feeling especially brave, you can even try hosting a (mildly) sexy party for a group of friends who arent quite sure about this kind of thing yet.

There are many ways to have a sexy party—and they dont need to involve sex! In fact, its helpful if at least your first one doesnt. As youre getting used to sex-positive spaces, and your friends are getting used to exploration, its helpful to use a format people are familiar with and boundaries that only nudge at peoples comfort zones. An old-fashioned make-out party is a great way to start. Spin the bottle isnt just for teenagers! It can be a wonderful icebreaker for exploration.

I suggest a few modern, consent-focused updates to the classic format. First, its helpful if everyone in the room is willing to engage with everyone else. That doesnt have to mean kissing. The second suggestion is thinking outside the box for what each spin means. What about hugging or doing a little dance together? Maybe a piggyback ride or feeding each other something from the snack table. Get creative! And third, no one is ever pushed into anything. The person who spins proposes an activity, and the person who was spun on can accept that proposal or suggest something else. Keep going until you find something both people are comfortable with.

When inviting friends, let people know what theyre in for. Explain what kind of party it is and what your reasons are for throwing it. These parties arent necessarily about cruising your friends for possible threesome buddies, theyre for cultivating a different kind of community. One in which people can explore and talk about their fantasies. From that kind of environment, all kinds of new experiences are possible—not just threesomes.

If kissing feels like too much, you can also throw a porn movie night—these work best with an older classic, something from the 1970s thats a bit lighthearted and also a bit more tame than modern fare.

You can also throw an erotica reading party, where everyone brings a sexy story to read aloud to the group. It can be something theyve written, if theyre feeling creative, or something from a book. People take turns reading, usually not more than four to eight minutes per person. And its okay if some people just come to watch, as long as there are enough people taking turns to keep the evening going.

While these options might seem silly, they serve a purpose. They get your friends comfortable in sexually charged environments and make it feel safer to talk about sex—an opportunity we rarely get.

A quick walk through your local sex toy store or a search online will also bring up numerous sexy party games. Try card games or sexy versions of classics like Pictionary or Twister. Just having a group of friends talk about sexy topics, or share their own stories, can be a powerful experience.

Even if you never want to have threesomes or group sex, tamer sexy parties can be a great way to get a bit of a spark going, try something new, and expand your views around sexual expression.

Classes

If you live in a mid- to large-sized city, you almost certainly have venues offering classes on a variety of sexy topics. Depending on the venue and the class, sometimes there is a social or mixer aspect to the event. These classes draw people who are at least curious about sexy topics, and they can be a good place to make friends and build community—though they are not a place for cruising for hookups.

The added benefit is because its a class, youre bound to learn something. So the outing should be worthwhile even if you dont strike up conversations with anyone.

Attending classes can also be a great way to start tiptoeing into sexy spaces with a partner or friend youre hoping to have threesomes with. While starting these conversations out of the blue might feel difficult, having the context of a class gives you an outline for the conversation. Try talking about the content of the class. How did it make you feel? What did you learn? Is there anything you disagreed with?

When youre looking for classes or deciding which is the right fit for you, pay attention to where the class is being held. Classes on sex, kink, and relationship topics can be held in venues ranging from sex toy stores to yoga studios to dungeons. Make sure you know what the space is so you can decide if its somewhere youll feel comfortable.

Another benefit of classes is that they give you an "excuse" to be in a space. For example, if theres a class held in a dungeon or sex club, its a great way to check out the venue in a nonplay setting. And that can make it feel easier to come back another time, because youll know what youre getting into.

Polyamory Meet-ups

Many areas have meet-ups for polyamorous folks and other open relationship configurations. But this recommendation comes with reservations.

Because polyamory means engaging in multiple, ongoing, loving relationships, you should know that the polyamorous crowd will be especially sensitive to anything that seems like unicorn hunting. Be sure youre ready to follow the culture and etiquette of the group if you attend.

Meet-ups of this kind wont be for cruising for partners; rather theyre a chance to get to know people who practice various forms of nonmonogamy. And yes, down the line, some of those people can become play partners.

Folks who are veterans of various forms of nonmonogamy are a fantastic resource for many of the questions you might be having. Theyre used to talking about and dealing with everything from jealousy to scheduling headaches. And if you approach with an open mind, and no fixed agenda, you may be able to learn a lot.

Polyamorous communities are also a wonderful place to learn about the joys of compersion. This is the term used to describe the joy you feel at seeing a partners joy. In the poly world, this often means feeling happy for a partner when theyve had a good date, or when theyve met someone new theyre excited about. But threesomes can be a wonderful source of compersion, too.

In a threesome, youve got a chance to see your partner or new friends enjoying new people and new experiences right in front of you. You can watch them finding hot chemistry, receiving compliments, and indulging fantasies.

Compersion is sometimes described as the opposite of jealousy, but I think thats an oversimplification. That said, some of the same experiences can lead to either response. Think about it as an opportunity to make a choice; when you see a partner with someone else, how are you going to respond? While we cant choose our gut reactions, we can train ourselves over time to respond in new ways.

Think Outside the Box

When I have coaching clients who want help with dating, one of the main pieces of advice I give them is to do the things they enjoy doing, and meet people who also like those things.

Like rock climbing? Start hanging around the climbing gym. Enjoy knitting? Find a stitch n bitch group. Whatever your hobby is, there are people getting together to do it in groups.

You may also find some unlikely overlaps. Events like comic-cons and sci-fi conventions often have such a big overlap with alternative lifestyles that theyll host panels on relationship issues. It shouldnt be such a surprise, really. Plenty of classic fantasy and sci-fi novels feature open relationships or a range of sexualities and identities.

In fact, I was recently asked to speak at a sci-fi and fantasy convention and found myself a bit baffled. While I like the genres, theyre not what I write. But then I saw the lineup of panels, and they were tackling everything from kink to open relationships to communication—plus some erotica readings after dark!

Dont fake it if those kinds of events arent your cup of tea, but do take a look at the lineup for your local events—you might be surprised what you find.

But What Do You Say?

Youve put yourself out there and youve met someone youd like to have a threesome with. So what do you actually say to make it happen?

Remember that if youve met someone in the wild, there are more variables than meeting someone online. Unless youve met someone in a space thats explicitly about sex or hookups, you have no idea if theyre available. And even in a sexy space, theres no guarantee theyll be into you. So your approach needs to be friendly and polite.

When you strike up a conversation, make it about a shared interest—maybe about the event or activity youre partaking in. Ask the person about themselves. Its okay to flirt, but dont be overbearing. Keep body language in mind, too. Make sure youre not trapping someone in a corner or against a wall. If you see their eyes darting around the room, its probably a good time to take a step back.

Make sure the person youre talking to knows if youre part of a couple. You dont want to get their hopes up for a one-on-one fling if thats not on the table. And if youre in a space where you feel comfortable, try to work into the conversation that you and your partner are in an open relationship, or open to multiperson play.

If youre in a space where cruising is welcome, try saying something like, "We both think youre super hot," or "You two are really sexy together," depending whether youre coming at this solo or partnered.

People like compliments, and being flattered, so that can be a good start as long as its honest! Dont claim attraction where there isnt any. If youre really just into one of the people, dont bring the other along for the ride. And if half of your couple isnt game, dont force it.

What else could you say?

▶ "I/we have been fantasizing about having a threesome— is that something you might be into?"

▶ "Have you ever had a threesome before?"

▶ "Ive been super curious about kissing two people at once.

It may take some practice if you havent been on the market for a while. But youll get the hang of it! Just remember that the very first conversation you have is unlikely to lead to a threesome. And, in fact, it might take quite a few approaches before something works out.

Dont let your frustration (or desperation) show. Thatll be an instant turn-off to anyone youre talking to. So if youre feeling burned out, its time to take a break and come back to it when you can have a positive outlook and approach.


Input:
 Write a chapter about a parallel or V-shaped threesome, including:

1. An introduction to the idea of a parallel or V-shaped threesome and the different ways it can play out.
2. A personal story about a friend (Grace) who recently had a breakup and was starting to socialize again.
3. A description of how the friend and the author went out for drinks and the friend joked about needing to get laid.
4. A description of how the author mentioned a friend (Reid) to set her up with, but things didn't go further than that.
5. A description of how a couple weeks later, the friend and the author went to a show together and Reid was one of the performers.
6. A description of how the friend leaned over to whisper that Reid was exactly her type and a plan began to form in the author's mind.
7. A reminder that the friend and the author were primarily platonic friends, but being party veterans, they both had a solid understanding of how to navigate sexy spaces.
8. A description of how after the show, the author told the friend that Reid was the friend she'd told her about over drinks and asked if she'd like to meet him.
9. A description of how the friend said yes and they went to chat with him and they were flirting right away.
10. A description of how the author and the friend checked in and decided to propose a threesome for that night.
11. An explanation of how having it be a group adventure would help keep things light and playful and would create a nice buffer as they got to know each other and the friend got her feet wet with sex and dating again.
12. A reminder that the author and Reid had already been occasional play partners and had been in threesomes and other group sex adventures with him in the past.
13. A description of how the author walked up to Reid and asked if he'd like to have a threesome with them that night.
14. An explanation of how being that direct won't work in a lot of circumstances, but it can be the right fit when you've cultivated a group of friends who regularly engage in these activities.
15. A description of how Reid had already been an occasional play partner of the author's and she knew him to be a direct person and generally game for an adventure.
16. A description of how they made a plan to meet at Reid's place.
17. An explanation of how Reid's house features a hot tub, which is a fantastic icebreaker for sexy times.
18. A description of how the hot tub is a great excuse to get naked, but then just relax and chat as you ease into the situation.
19. A description of how they eventually started a bit of negotiation and checked in about boundaries as well as likes and dislikes.
20. A description of how they moved to the bedroom and the friend and the author lay side by side, while Reid took turns kissing each of them.
21. An explanation of how luckily the friend and the author both like to watch, so rather than being bored when they weren't the ones being kissed, they were getting just as much of a thrill from the voyeurism.
22. A description of how Reid went down on the author while the friend watched and stroked her body a bit.
23. A description of how when he came up for air, he asked the friend how she felt about getting the author's fluids on her mouth and she said she didn't want any fluid exchange.
24. A description of how Reid went to the bathroom to wash his face and rinse his mouth out.
25. A description of how he came back and they kissed for a while and then he went down on the friend.
26. A description of how the author was now free to reposition and engage some other way.
27. A description of how the position Reid was in allowed the author plenty of access from the rear.
28. An explanation of how after a check-in, the author grabbed a toy and some lube from his stash and began penetrating him from behind while he went down on the friend.
29. A description of how this line-up of bodies was a hot way to play, with everyone's movements impacting each other even if not everyone was directly involved.
30. A reminder that having things to watch and listen to can heighten the sexual experience and add to the overall feeling of high stimulation, even if you're not doing a ton of touching or receiving touch.
31. A description of how it can also mean extra stimulation when it comes to post-sex cuddles.
32. A description of how when they were done playing, they were able to collapse into a pile together to snuggle and talk about the experience, which was a lovely way to end their evening together.

Source:
5. Read more about mouthwash in the safer-sex section.

Response:
CHAPTER

12

THREESOME INTERLUDE

Parallel Play

There are a number of ways a parallel or _V-_ shaped threesome can play out. Heres one example.

My friend Grace had a recent breakup and was starting to get out and socialize again. We went out for drinks, and she joked about needing to get laid. I started running though my mental rolodex of friends I could set her up with, and my friend Reid was at the top of the list. I mentioned him to her, but things didnt go further than that.

A couple weeks later, she and I went to a show together and Reid was one of the performers. As soon as he stepped on stage, she leaned over to whisper that he was exactly her type. A plan began to form in my mind.

Although Grace and I had fooled around a couple of times at parties, we were primarily platonic friends. Still, being party veterans, I knew we both had a solid understanding of how to navigate sexy spaces.

When the show was over, I told Grace that Reid was the friend Id told her about over drinks, and asked if shed like to meet him. With a bit of a blush, she said yes.

We went to chat with him, and they were flirting right away. It was good to see her exploring this part of herself again. As he moved on to chat with other audience members, she and I checked in. Deciding there was no time like the present, we resolved to propose a threesome for that night.

While she and I werent planning much in the way of direct play, having it be a group adventure would help keep things light and playful, and would create a nice buffer as they got to know each other and she got her feet wet with sex and dating again.

Reid had already been an occasional play partner of mine, and Id been in threesomes and other group sex adventures with him in the past. Knowing him to be a direct person (and generally game for an adventure) I simply walked up to him and asked if hed like to have a threesome with us that night. (While being that direct wont work in a lot of circumstances, it can be the right fit when youve cultivated a group of friends who regularly engage in these activities.) He feigned a bit of shyness but quickly agreed, and we made a plan to meet at his place.

Reids house features a hot tub, which is a fantastic icebreaker for sexy times. The hot tub is a great excuse to get naked, but then just relax and chat as you ease into the situation. As we soaked, we eventually started a bit of negotiation. We checked in about boundaries as well as likes and dislikes. Although I was already familiar with Grace and Reid, they were just getting to know each other.

We moved to the bedroom, and she and I lay side by side, while Reid took turns kissing each of us. Luckily Grace and I both like to watch, so rather than being bored when we werent the ones being kissed, we were getting just as much of a thrill from the voyeurism. And while Id played with both of them before, there were no established couples in the bed, so everyone was coming together on fairly equal footing.

Next, Reid went down on me while Grace watched and stroked my body a bit. When he came up for air, he asked Grace how she felt about getting my fluids on her mouth—and she said she didnt want any fluid exchange. So Reid went to the bathroom to wash his face and rinse his mouth out.5 When he came back, they kissed for a while and then he went down on her.

Since she and I werent really playing, I was now free to reposition and engage some other way . . . and the position Reid was in allowed me plenty of access from the rear.

After a check-in, I grabbed a toy and some lube from his stash and began penetrating him from behind while he went down on her. This line-up of bodies was a hot way to play, with everyones movements impacting each other even if not everyone was directly involved. As I thrust into him, it pushed his face further into her, and if she pressed up against him, it pushed him back into me.

With Reid in the middle, he got to receive a lot of stimulation—with his face between her legs and me inside him from behind. And Grace and I both had excellent views of everything going on, so in addition to the fun we were having with our own activities, we also had a personal sex show happening right in front of us.

Having things to watch, and listen to, can heighten the sexual experience and add to the overall feeling of high stimulation, even if youre not doing a ton of touching or receiving touch.

It can also mean extra stimulation when it comes to post-sex cuddles! When we were done playing, we were able to collapse into a pile together to snuggle and talk about the experience, which was a lovely way to end our evening together.

5 Read more about mouthwash in the safer-sex section.