Input:
 Write a section titled "Your Body" for a chapter in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* A discussion of the difficult relationship many survivors have with their bodies, including body hate and feelings of betrayal, and the potential for struggles with anorexia, bulimia, or feelings of being over- or underweight.
* An explanation of how getting in touch with one's body can also mean attending to the trauma that is still held there, and that changing one's relationship with one's body and sexuality is a multilevel process.
* A prompt for the reader to examine who taught them about their body and where they picked up their current beliefs.
* A suggestion to consider writing down the script of the relationship they would like to have with their body, and then sharing that new story with a trusted friend and taping it to their bathroom mirror so that they see it and read it daily.
* A recommendation to let other people in their life know that they are creating a new relationship with their body and to ask them to see them in this new light.
* A mention of the somatic practices that helped the reader discover a sense of internal safety (such as martial arts, yoga, dance, sports, meditation, and other embodiment practices that bring the reader's attention to the sensations in their body), and how these practices can also help them create a new, more loving relationship with their body.
* An exercise titled "The Body Hug" that can assist the reader in learning to know, accept, and even like those parts of their body they have learned to hate.
* A personal anecdote from a survivor about the challenges and progress they have made in developing a powerful relationship with their body and living in their own skin.

Response:
#  Your Body

Many survivors have a difficult relationship with their bodies. You may struggle with body hate, feeling that your body has betrayed you or that your body is an unsafe place to live. Having a body at all may be a problem for you. You may struggle with anorexia or bulimia, or feel you are over- or underweight. Many survivors use food as a means of coping with their emotions, while others have a difficult time feeding themselves at all. Since your body was touched or used during the abuse, a difficult relationship with your body is often one of the lasting effects.

Sometimes survivors do not like their bodies because the body is where pain lives. Getting in touch with your body can also mean attending to the trauma that is still held there.

> > I always felt like my body was his. It wasnt mine. It had betrayed me and now it was his ally and my enemy.
>
> Maggie

As you consider your relationship with your body, especially your sexual body, examine who taught you about your body. Where did you pick up this information? What makes this opinion so valid?

I know that our relationships with our bodies run very deep. It is not like you can say, "Oh, okay, I decided I want to believe something different from what I was taught, so now I feel differently." Changing your relationship with your body and sexuality is a multilevel process. First, you must look at what you do believe and who you learned that from. Is this who you want to have say over your relationship to your own body? If you were to write the script of your relationship to your body, what would it say?

Next come the practices to support this. What can you say to yourself that supports the relationship you want to build with your body? What is a small step in that direction? A medium and a big step? You might start by writing down the script youd like hold as your truth. Then tell one trusted friend that new story. Tape it to your bathroom mirror so that you see it and read it daily. Let other people in your life know that this is the new relationship with your body you are creating. Ask them to see you in this new light.

The same somatic practices that helped you discover a sense of internal safety (see chapter 1) will help you create a new, more loving relationship with your body. Martial arts, yoga, dance, sports, meditation, and other embodiment practices that bring your attention to the sensations in your body are also powerful allies in helping you release the trauma that has supported your negative relationship with your body. You may need to walk through shame and guilt, and begin to place your rage and anger with your perpetrators instead of internalizing it as self-blame. You may need to face the grief of loss and betrayal that hating your body keeps you from feeling. What is it that you are most afraid to let yourself feel? If you were to build an empowering relationship with your body—including your sexual body—what emotions would come up? How can you begin to move toward your feelings?

> The Body Hug
>
> This exercise can greatly assist you in learning to know, accept, and even like those parts of your body you have learned to hate. Practice this any place on your body where you feel targeted, were abused, or dislike your body.
>
>>
>
>
> Find a calm place to sit or lie down. Relax and deepen your breathing, expanding your belly and your chest. As you lie there, bring your attention into your hands. You can rub them together to warm them and bring energy into them. Put love and acceptance into your hands. To do this you can think of someone or something you love and feel warmth for. Then place your hands on whatever part of your body you have chosen to work with. Gently let your hands rest there, or stroke that part of you. Bring loving-kindness into that part of you.
>
>
>
>
> Your mind will probably go wild, ticking off all the things you feel are wrong with that part of your body. You are too fat—look at that!—you are too skinny, youve got stretch marks, you sag, your skin is bad…
>
>
>
>
> Write these down if you need to. What are the feelings underneath all that chatter? What memories are stirred in this part of your body? Note these, then return to your breathing and your accepting touch. Keep coming back to the warmth and care in your hands. Try this for five minutes.

> > Being in my own body and liking me there is one of the hardest parts of my recovery. I hate it when people say "just love your body." That sounds so trite in comparison to what I am dealing with in here. I am taking a step at a time in accepting me, and finding small bits of pleasure in my body. That part is cool.
>
> Danielle

You can now develop a powerful relationship with your body, with living in your own skin. You can learn to appreciate what was perhaps never appreciated, to respect yourself in the ways you were not respected.


Input:
 Write a section titled "Sex Guide Exercises" for a chapter in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* An exercise instructing the reader to identify the three life experiences that most informed their relationship with their body and sexual body, including positive and negative influences from family and community, abuse, social and cultural influences, media, sports or athletics, art, and performance.
* An exercise asking the reader to identify a part of their body with which they have a difficult relationship and to draw that part of their body using paper and crayons or markers. The reader should then analyze the image and consider what it communicates and what that part of their body needs or wants.
* A personal anecdote about a woman who did this exercise and the changes in her drawings over time as she faced the trauma to her pelvic region and welcomed her pelvis back into her life.
* An exercise instructing the reader to use a mirror to look at their genitals and identify various parts, including the labia, clitoris and clitoral hood, vaginal opening, perineum, and anus.
* An exercise asking the reader to choose one thing they would like to learn about their own body, sexual response cycle, or capacity for orgasm, and to start exploring that topic.

Response:
#  Sex Guide Exercises

> 1\. What three life experiences most informed your relationship with your body and sexual body? These may be positive or negative influences. Consider family and community, abuse, social and cultural influences, media, sports or athletics, art and performance.

> 2\. What part of your body do you have a difficult relationship with? Your stomach, breasts, hips, thighs? Get out paper and crayons or markers and draw that part of your body. It doesnt need to be a realistic rendition; just draw your impression of that part of your body. What does the image have to communicate to you? What does that part of your body need or want?
>
> I did this exercise with a woman who drew her genitals and pelvic region. Large parts of the initial drawing were black, squiggly lines marking up the page. Other parts of the drawing were nearly blank, as if this part of her body did not exist. As we worked, over time, she continued to draw images of her pelvic region. As she faced the trauma to this region of her body and welcomed her pelvis back into her life, the images changed. Bright colors started showing up in the drawings, and the area became more contained, less chaotic. The later drawings were both calm and fiery, very vibrant.

> 3\. Get a mirror, and find a comfortable place and a time when you wont be interrupted. Look at your genitals. What do they look like? Identify your labia, clitoris and clitoral hood, vaginal opening, perineum, and anus.

> 4\. What else might you like to learn about your own body, sexual response cycle, or capacity for orgasm? Choose one thing and start exploring.


Input:
 Write a section titled "Self-Loving" for a chapter in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* An explanation of masturbation as touching oneself sensually or sexually, regardless of whether or not one has an orgasm, and the benefits of masturbation, such as learning what turns one on and enhancing one's sexual enjoyment.
* A personal anecdote from a woman named Anna about how masturbation has been liberating for her and has helped her take responsibility for her own pleasure.
* Information about the health benefits of masturbation, such as reducing stress, relaxing the body, strengthening the PC muscle, increasing orgasmic pleasure, supporting childbirth, preventing incontinence, and reducing menstrual cramps.
* An explanation of how masturbation can be used to explore one's sexual responses, play with fantasies, try out sex toys and safer-sex gear, expand one's erotic repertoire, and build a positive relationship with one's own body and sexuality.
* Information about how masturbation can help one practice handling triggers that may be set off with a partner.
* Encouragement to use masturbation as a way to have fun and build a positive relationship with one's own sexuality.

Response:
#  Self-Loving

Masturbation is touching yourself sensually or sexually—regardless of whether or not you have an orgasm. Masturbation is good for lots of things. By touching yourself, you can learn what turns you on and what leaves you cold. Not only will this enhance your sexual enjoyment, it is the most important information you can give to a lover.

> > Masturbation is the center of my sexuality now. I have learned that I turn myself on, that I am responsible for my own pleasure. This has been so liberating for me.
>
> Anna

Masturbation is good for your health, too. Studies show that masturbation reduces stress and helps you relax. Also, regular use of your PC muscle keeps it in shape, increasing orgasmic pleasure, supporting childbirth, preventing incontinence, and in some cases reducing menstrual cramps.

Through masturbation you can explore your sexual responses, play with your fantasies, try out sex toys and safer-sex gear, expand your erotic repertoire, and build a positive relationship to own body and sexuality. You can have fun getting off, too!

Any trigger that gets set off with a partner will also show up in masturbation. When you masturbate, you can practice handling these triggers. Masturbation will help you learn in your own bed, through your own experiences, that your sexuality is yours, and that you are not "damaged" or "bad."


Input:
 Write a section titled "A Bad Rap" for a chapter in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* An explanation of the negative stigma surrounding masturbation and the false beliefs that it has been blamed for causing, such as insanity, blindness, impotence, hysteria, and other unrelated mental and physical symptoms.
* Information about the societal and cultural shaming of self-exploration and the negative impact this has on one's view of pleasure in their own bodies.
* A personal anecdote from a woman named Liz about the hypocrisy of being shamed for touching herself sexually while her father was allowed to do whatever he wanted.
* Statistics from the Kinsey Institute about the prevalence of masturbation among men and women.
* An explanation of the natural progression of sexual development in children, including the discovery of masturbation as a source of pleasure.
* Encouragement for the reader to embrace masturbation as a healthy and empowering part of their own sexual expression and development.

Response:
#  A Bad Rap

Masturbation has gotten a bad rap; it has been cited as the cause of insanity, blindness, impotence, hysteria, and other unrelated mental and physical symptoms. As recently as 1995, Dr. Joycelan Elders was asked to resign from her position as U.S. Surgeon General because she recommended masturbation as a form of safer sex.

Most of us have been taught from an early age that touching ourselves "down there" is bad. We are shamed out of self-exploration. We inherit a sex-negative view of masturbation that moves us away from a sense of pleasure in our own bodies.

> > It seems utterly sick to me that I was not supposed to touch myself sexually, but my father was allowed to do whatever he wanted to. Shouldnt that be the other way around?
>
> Liz

Yet, nearly everyone masturbates. The Kinsey Institute reported in 1990 that 94 percent of men and 71 percent of women masturbate to orgasm. Masturbation is a healthy part of sexual development in children and a healthy part of sexual expression for adults. Fetuses have been noted to have erections and genital swelling in the womb, and infants discover that touching their genitals feels good. By two most toddlers are masturbating, and as they age, they become curious about others bodies. All of this is part of a childs natural development.

What better way to develop sexually than to masturbate? Masturbation gives you a full range of choices about your own body and pleasure, and it puts your sexuality back into your own hands.


Input:
 Write a section titled "Your Keystone to Healing" for a chapter in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* An explanation of the power and benefits of masturbation as a tool for recovery from sexual abuse.
* Encouragement for the reader to use masturbation to practice being embodied, facing triggers, exploring their body and discovering their sexuality on their own terms.
* Personal anecdotes from survivors named Roslyn and Marie about their experiences with masturbation as a healing tool.
* An explanation of how masturbation can help survivors explore the ways that sexual abuse has affected their sexuality and sexual expression.
* A personal anecdote from a survivor named Stephanie about her experience of "unpacking" feelings of shame, guilt, and grief through masturbation.
* A personal anecdote from a survivor named Rosa about her experience of feeling guilty during masturbation and the connection to her experience of incest.
* An explanation of how masturbation can assist survivors who fear sex in discovering their sexual selves in a slow and safe way.
* A personal anecdote from a survivor named Evelyn about her journey to healing through masturbation.
* An explanation of how masturbation can help survivors who have become compulsive sexually to learn about boundaries and to heal the pain that drives the compulsion.
* A personal anecdote from a survivor named Lenore about her journey to finding her own likes, dislikes, and boundaries through masturbation.
* An explanation of how masturbation can help survivors stretch the envelope of their sexual expression and discover parts of their sexuality that were hidden under the rubble of incest and molestation.
* Encouragement for the reader to become more confident in their self-exploration and better equipped to communicate their desires to a sexual partner.

Response:
#  Your Keystone to Healing

Having sex with yourself is your most powerful recovery tool. Through masturbation you can practice all the components of sexual healing and recovery. You can practice being embodied, feeling your body move and come alive. You can work through triggers and face intrusive memories. You can discover where your body is frozen or unfeeling as a result of the abuse. And through masturbation you can practice being present during sex.

> > I didnt really know how to masturbate. I just knew I wasnt suppose to do it.
>  Once I finally learned it was okay, I realized that this was the best way for me
>  to learn about my sexuality on my own terms.
>
>
> Roslyn
>
>> I have worked through a lot of my abuse through masturbating and fantasy. I re-created abuselike scenes in my fantasies, having them turn out differently than the abuse did.
>
> Marie

Masturbation can help you explore the ways that sexual abuse has affected your sexuality and sexual expression. You dont have to wait for partner sex to bring your emotional responses and triggers to the foreground. When you masturbate, youll find out exactly where the effects of incest and molestation landed in your body, emotions, and thinking.

> > I learned to slow down and not just go for the orgasm masturbating. As I began
>  to pay closer attention, I saw the entire cycle of my sexual "stuckness." I begin
>  to get sexually aroused, begin to feel excited, and then get a wave of shame: "I
>  am not supposed to be doing this." I keep masturbating, and the next wave is
>  guilt: "See, I do like it, so I did deserve the abuse." If I can keep breathing and
>  touching myself, the grief and the sadness under the guilt and shame come up.
>  Usually then I cry. I get farther each time, though. I used to stop at the shame,
>  and just shut down. I feel like now I am unpacking that guilt and shame from
>  on top of my sexuality and feeling the deeper levels. I am freeing myself up.
>
>
> Stephanie
>
>> I would start to masturbate and then feel a surge of guilt. It seemed that as soon as I felt pleasure I felt guilt. This was all about the incest.
>
> Rosa

If the sexual abuse affected you in a way that makes you fear sex, masturbation offers you a slow and safe way to discover your sexual self amid the wreckage of abuse. Masturbation can assist you in moving from sexual repression to sexual expression.

> > I hated all sex. Masturbation didnt even cross my mind. I was relieved when my husband didnt want to have sex. Only after our divorce did I feel safe enough to wonder about my sexuality. A girlfriend gave me a book on sex that talked about masturbation as something healthy. I tried it. That was really the beginning of my healing.
>
> Evelyn

If you have attempted to deal with the trauma of sexual abuse by becoming compulsive sexually, masturbation will help you to learn about boundaries and to heal the pain that drives the compulsion. Here you can practice paying attention to those feelings that say "stop here," or "Id like to pause here." Stop when you feel those impulses. What is it like to feel and act on your own boundaries?

> > I had sex with everyone. I thought that being sexual would get me acceptance, would allow me to finally fit in. I kept doing this after I knew it was only hurting me. It is only recently that I have stopped. Now Im trying to find my own likes and dislikes, my own boundaries. Being sexual with myself is helping me do that.
>
> Lenore

Want to stretch the envelope of your sexual expression? In masturbating you can try out what would be too scary with a sexual partner. Youll discover parts of your sexuality that were hidden under the rubble of incest and molestation. As you become more confident in your self-exploration, you will be better equipped to communicate your desires to a sexual partner.


Input:
 Write a section titled "But I Don't Want to Masturbate" for a chapter in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* An explanation of the difficulty some survivors may have with masturbation due to their experiences with sexual abuse.
* A personal anecdote from a survivor named Daren about their experience of being found masturbating and the justification their abuser used to molest them.
* An acknowledgement that some survivors may not want to masturbate for cultural, religious, or personal reasons.
* An emphasis on the importance of consent and choice in the healing process.
* An encouragement for the reader to explore their emotions around masturbation, including any feelings of self-blame, shame, guilt, rage, or grief.
* A prompt for the reader to make a list of all the reasons they don't want to masturbate and to consider whether they are making their own choice or if the abuse is deciding for them.

Response:
#  But I Dont Want to Masturbate

For some survivors, masturbation is linked to sexual abuse. One survivor I worked with was found masturbating by her grandfather; this was used as the justification for molesting her. Her enjoyment of masturbation "proved" that she "wanted" it.

> > He came into my room when I was six. I was touching myself and smelling my
>  hand. I liked the smell of my vagina. This was the first time he molested me.
>  He said girls who like that are dirty whores, and hed just treat me like one
>  too.
>
>
> Daren

Some survivors dont want to masturbate at all. Some women have cultural or religious reasons for not wanting to masturbate; others just dont like it. Healing is all about consent and choice. If you dont want to masturbate, you dont have to.

But before you decide not to masturbate, I encourage you to explore these questions: What emotions come up when you masturbate or even imagine masturbating? Do you experience self-blame, shame, guilt, rage, or grief? Is this also how you feel about the abuse? Is this how you feel about sex in general? Make a list of all the reasons you dont want to masturbate. Are you making your own choice, or is the abuse deciding for you?


Input:
 Write a section titled "Feelings and Triggers" for a chapter in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* An explanation of the difficulty many survivors may have with masturbation due to traumatic emotions.
* An emphasis on the idea that feeling these emotions is a large part of healing them and that they will pass as the survivor builds tolerance for them.
* A quote from a survivor named Carolyn about feeling too triggered by sex to masturbate and feeling ashamed and dirty.
* A quote from a survivor named Naomi about feeling obsessed with orgasming during masturbation.
* An acknowledgement of the shame some survivors may feel about experiencing sexual pleasure during the abuse.
* A quote from a survivor named Liz about struggling with guilt when they feel turned on but learning that it's okay to feel turned on.
* A discussion of the emotions of rage and grief that may come up for survivors when masturbating.
* Quotes from survivors named Pam and Danielle about feeling these emotions during masturbation.
* An acknowledgement that intrusive memories or images of the abuse may surface during masturbation.
* Quotes from survivors named Debbie and Janet about their experiences with this.
* An emphasis on the idea that facing these deep emotions or triggers is a part of the healing process.
* A mention of the tools and options for working with triggers and emotions that will be covered in the following chapters.
* A closing sentence that transitions to a more positive and fun part of the book.

Response:
##  Feelings and Triggers

For many survivors, masturbating brings up traumatic emotions. You might feel like your emotions will overwhelm you. The odd thing about healing trauma is that you may feel like you are going to die, or that you will be swallowed whole by your emotions, but you wont. As you let yourself experience these emotions, your tolerance for feeling them will increase. You will feel them and then they will pass. Feeling emotions is a large part of healing them.

> > Im too triggered by sex to even masturbate. I feel so ashamed and dirty. I dont want to do to myself what my mom did to me.
>
> Carolyn
>
>> When I masturbate I become obsessed with coming. I get uptight and manic. I want to come and then get out of there.
>
> Naomi

For many survivors, feeling sexual pleasure brings up shame about having experienced sexual pleasure during the sexual abuse. Many survivors were purposefully brought to orgasm during the abuse.

> > I get turned on, I feel guilty. I get turned on, I feel guilty. It is like this predictable cycle. What I know now, though, is that if I keep going through the guilt to the other side, it doesnt last. I feel turned on again. I am getting to really know that it is okay for me to be turned on.
>
> Liz

Rage and grief are also common emotions for survivors when masturbating. You might feel these emotions every time you get turned on. If you feel like crying or raging during masturbation, go ahead. What are you grieving about? What are you angry about? Grieve for your losses. Get angry at your abusers. Hold yourself tenderly through this.

> > Sometimes when I masturbate, if I get really into it I get so angry I want to kick something.
>
> Pam
>
>> I cry when I masturbate. I cry when I have an orgasm.
>
> Danielle

Intrusive memories or images of the abuse may surface when you masturbate, too.

> > Lots of my memories have come while masturbating. I guess I feel safer being alone and relaxed, and they tend to come up.
>
> Debbie
>
>> Once and for all I wanted to kick my father out of my head while I was masturbating. There hed be again, his face and his dick. One time I stood up and yelled at him. I said, "Thats it, get the hell out of here, you are not allowed here anymore. Get out!" He only came back once more after that, with much less force. Now I can intercept him at the door with a clear "no."
>
> Janet

As you masturbate you can expect at some point to face deep emotions or triggers from the abuse. Know when this happens that you are healing. In the following chapters, you will find lots of tools and options for working with your triggers and emotions that emerge during masturbation and partner sex.

Now, on to the fun part!


Input:
 Write a section titled "Five Steps to Great Masturbation" for a chapter in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* An acknowledgement that masturbation may seem self-explanatory, but that it is actually a learned skill.
* A statement that there is an art to masturbation and that there are basic moves that can make it more satisfying.
* An introduction of a five-step guide to improving masturbation techniques.
* A focus on the idea that these techniques can be beneficial for survivors of sexual abuse in particular.

Response:
#  Five Steps to Great Masturbation

You would think that masturbation would be self-explanatory, but, like anything else, it is a learned skill. There is an art to masturbation, and there are some basic moves that can make it more satisfying.


Input:
  Write a section titled "1. Breathe and Relax" for a chapter in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* An explanation of the importance of breathing and relaxation during sexual activity, particularly masturbation.
* A description of how to breathe and relax, including focusing on specific areas of the body such as the breasts, belly, vulva, and pelvis.
* A discussion of the connection between breathing, relaxation, and feeling more sensation and awareness during sexual activity.
* An exploration of how survivors of sexual abuse may experience tension or tightness during sexual activity and how breathing and relaxation can help communicate safety to the body.
* An example quote from a survivor illustrating this tension.
* A clarification that relaxation does not mean becoming passive or losing engagement, but instead can enhance pleasure and intensity of orgasms.

USER: Here is the next part of the story:

{'text': '\n\n##  2\\. Get to Know Your Body\n\nMany of us have spent years ignoring or disconnecting from our body. When you are sexual, it is important to be present in your body, to know what feels good, what feels bad, and to make choices accordingly. You cannot know this if you are not present. You need to focus on your body, notice what it likes and doesnt like.\n\nMasturbation is a great way to get to know your body. You can explore your body by touching different parts. You can experiment with different kinds of touch—light touch, deep pressure, fast, slow, etc. Notice which parts of your body like to be touched and how. This is important knowledge to have when experimenting with partners. When you know what you like, you can tell your partner.\n\n> > When I began to masturbate, I could not even look at my body. But as I began to touch different areas and pay attention to what felt good, I began to feel proud of my body and more comfortable with it.\n> \n> Victoria\n\nAs Victoria notes, you may find that you feel more comfortable and proud of your body as you get to know it more intimately.\n\n'}

TASK: Write a detailed prompt that would generate the above section of the story.
ASSISTANT: Write a section titled "2. Get to Know Your Body" for a chapter in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* An explanation of the importance of being present in your body and knowing what feels good during sexual activity.
* A discussion of how many people, especially survivors of sexual abuse, may have spent years ignoring or disconnecting from their bodies and the importance of reversing this pattern.
* An explanation of how masturbation can be a tool for getting to know your body and discovering what feels good.
* A description of how to explore different parts of the body through touch and experiment with different types of touch, such as light touch, deep pressure, fast, and slow.
* An example quote from a survivor illustrating the benefits of getting to know their body through masturbation.
* A note on how this knowledge can be beneficial when experimenting with partners, as you can communicate your preferences to them.

Response:
##  1\. Breathe and Relax

As you touch yourself erotically, breathe. If you are touching your breasts or your belly, breathe into that area of your body. The breath helps you to be aware of the feelings and sensations there. When you are touching your vulva or clit, bring your breath all the way down into your pelvis. Imagine that you can breathe right into your vulva. Breathing helps to keep your body relaxed and uncontracted, thus letting you experience more feeling, sensation, and awareness of what is happening for you.

Breathing is particularly important for survivors. When we are afraid, we tighten our muscles and stop breathing. As you know, this is a great system for self-protection and helps numb sensation. For many survivors, this automatic response is still hooked up to being sexual or to masturbating. You may notice when you are sexual that you want to hold your breath or hold your muscles tight.

> > My jaws get incredibly tight when I masturbate. Its like I get tighter as I get turned on.
>
> Marianne

When you catch yourself getting tense, breathe and relax. Bring your attention back to the feelings in your body.

When you breathe and relax your body while you masturbate, you are communicating something new to your body—that it is safe to feel sexually turned on, that it is fine to get off and to enjoy pleasure. Relaxation communicates safety to your body on a very deep level.

When I speak of relaxation, I do not mean becoming passive or comatose. You can relax and be actively engaged at the same time. You can still have an orgasm when you are relaxed; in fact, your orgasms will be more intense.


Input:
 Write a section titled "2. Move Your Body" for a chapter in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* An explanation of the importance of moving the body during masturbation to enhance sexual pleasure and healing.
* A description of how to move the body, including moving hips, rocking the pelvis, letting the back arch and press, and moving arms, legs, and head to express sensations and feelings.
* A note on how moving can be embarrassing at first but is invaluable to sexual pleasure and healing.
* An explanation of how moving the body can prevent it from freezing up, increase sensations, and allow them to spread throughout the body.
* A discussion of how moving can assist those who are preorgasmic in freeing up their orgasms.
* A note on how moving can stir up body memories and how this can be a part of the healing process.
* An example quote from a survivor illustrating the benefits of moving the body during sexual activity.

Response:
##  2\. Move Your Body

The second important practice in masturbating is to move your body. Move your hips, rock your pelvis, let your back arch and press, move your arms, legs, and head. Let your body move and express your sensations and feelings. This may be embarrassing at first, but it is invaluable to your sexual pleasure and healing.

Moving also assists you in not freezing up your body; and it increases the sensations and allows them to spread throughout your body. If you are preorgasmic, moving can assist you in freeing up your orgasm.

Moving can also stir up body memories. Because many of us were held down or pinned during the abuse, moving your body can begin to loosen these held memories. Moving tells your body that you have the say-so now, that you are no longer frozen or paralyzed. You can act on your own behalf.

> > I am at the point now where I love to move. I love to move with my honey and with just me. It makes me feel like I am free.
>
> Jennifer


Input:
 Write a section titled "3. Make Some Noise" for a chapter in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* An explanation of the importance of making noise during masturbation as a tool for enhancing sexual pleasure.
* A description of how to make noise, including starting with heavy breathing, making noise on exhalation, letting out "oohs" and "aahhhhs," and groaning and moaning.
* An explanation of how the voice is an integral part of sexuality and pleasure and how opening the throat and making noise helps keep the body open and relaxed.
* Tips for soundproofing a room if the user is concerned about roommates or neighbors overhearing, such as playing music, using a towel at the base of the door to absorb sound, or masturbating in the shower for privacy.

Response:
##  3\. Make Some Noise

Making noise is the third great masturbation tool. You can start with breathing heavily, making noise on your exhalation. Let yourself "ooh" and "aahhh." Groaning and moaning is good for you! Your voice is an integral part of your sexuality and your pleasure. Opening your throat and making noise helps keep your body open and relaxed. It keeps you breathing. If you are concerned about room-mates or neighbors listening in, soundproof your room as best you can. Play music. A towel at the base of the door can help to absorb sound. Masturbating in the shower can give you the privacy to use your voice freely.


Input:
 Write a section titled "4. Touch Your Whole Body" for a chapter in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* A reminder that masturbation is not just about getting off, and an encouragement to attend to the whole body when touching oneself.
* A suggestion to explore what kind of touch is enjoyable on various parts of the body, including legs, stomach, hair, and face.
* An explanation of how sexual energy moves throughout the entire body, not just the genitals, and an encouragement to explore its reaches.
* A suggestion to touch both the places that feel the best and the places where one doesn't want to go, as these places may hold valuable healing and information.
* A list of various body parts to touch, including the face, feet, calves, back, belly, vulva, breasts, anus, butt, inside the vagina, the G-spot, the cervix, and the thighs.
* A reminder to come to know one's body as one would want one's greatest love to know it.
* An example of someone's personal experience with this exercise, including the body parts they found easiest and most difficult to touch.

Response:
##  4\. Touch Your Whole Body

We often think of masturbation as simply getting off; and it can get very genitally focused. Attend to your whole body when you touch yourself. What kind of touch do you like on your legs or stomach? Do you like to touch your hair and face? Sexual energy moves throughout your entire body, not just your genitals. Explore its reaches.

Especially touch yourself in the places that feel the best and the places where you dont want to go. Usually the places we want to ignore hold valuable healing and information. Touch your face, your feet, your calves, your back, your belly, your vulva, your breasts, your anus, your butt, inside your vagina, your G-spot, your cervix, your thighs, the backs of your thighs. Come to know your body as you would want your greatest love to know your body.

> > I got comfortable touching my vulva first, then my arms and stomach. My breasts took a lot longer; I got really sad there. I slowly kept adding one more piece of my body back into the equation.
>
> Angela


Input:
 Write a section titled "5. Stay Present and Embodied" for a chapter in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* A reminder that being present while masturbating can help with being present with a sexual partner and an acknowledgment that many survivors struggle with dissociation during sex.
* A suggestion to use the tools from chapter 3 on dissociation while masturbating and to focus on the sensations in one's body, including warmth, coolness, relaxation, tension, tingling, surges of energy, numbness, areas of the body that are pulsating, and other areas that feel blank or void.
* A suggestion to practice being present by saying out loud what one is feeling and thinking during masturbation.
* Encouragement to bring oneself back to the present moment if one notices oneself floating away or becoming distracted.
* A reminder to breathe, notice the sensations in one's body and the room one is in, and to remind oneself why one is masturbating and what one wants to get out of it.
* An exploration of five steps to great masturbation, including trying masturbating while staying very still and breathing shallowly and making noise and then stopping.
* An encouragement to notice the difference between these different approaches to masturbation.

Response:
##  5\. Stay Present and Embodied

Being present while masturbating translates into being present with a sexual partner. Many survivors talk about being dissociated during sex, floating away and out of their bodies and feelings.

Use the tools in chapter 3 on dissociation while you masturbate. While masturbating, focus on the sensations in your body. Notice warmth, coolness, relaxation, tension, tingling, surges of energy, numbness, areas of your body that are pulsating, and other areas that feel blank or void. What are you feeling in your feet? How about your lower back?

You can also practice being present by saying out loud what you are feeling and thinking: "I am moving my arms, it feels good to me to move my hips, I am feeling ashamed, I am worrying that my dead grandma can see me, I feel wetness in my vagina and this is exciting to me, this is scary to me, I am afraid I am not supposed to be doing this…" You can practice being present with yourself by being present with your experience.

When you notice yourself floating away, making grocery lists, bring yourself back. Breathe, notice the sensations in your body and the room you are in. Remind yourself why you are masturbating and what you want to get out of it.

Explore these Five Steps to Great Masturbation. For contrast, try masturbating while you stay very still and breathe shallowly. Make noise and then stop. Notice the difference.


Input:
 Write a section titled "How to Touch Yourself" for a chapter in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* A suggestion to try different types of touch, including stroking, tickling, firm grabbing, and squeezing, and an acknowledgment that one's body can take more intensity and firm touch as one becomes aroused.
* A list of ideas for self-pleasuring, including massaging oneself with warmed oil, alternating light and firm strokes down the length of one's body, lightly pulling on one's pubic hair or pressing on one's pubic bone, brushing a feather or soft fabric over one's body, squeezing one's nipples between one's fingers or pressing one's breasts into one's chest with the palms of one's hand, and massaging one's outer labia between one's thumb and forefingers.
* A suggestion to touch one's vulva by resting one's whole hand over one's genitals and playing with pressure.
* A suggestion to feel one's perineum, the soft skin between one's vagina and anus.
* A suggestion to massage one's outer labia between one's thumb and forefingers and to do the same with one's inner labia.
* A suggestion to pull one's clitoral hood back to feel one's clit and to rub it in small circles or up and down where it is most sensitive.
* A suggestion to use a vibrator on one's vulva, clit, anus, or in one's vagina.
* A suggestion to try masturbating by rubbing on the bed, a pillow, or a chair, or squeezing one's legs together.
* A suggestion to touch one's anus on the outside and to explore the nerves there, and to use water-based lubricant to explore the inside of one's anus with one's finger or a toy designed for anal play.
* A suggestion to try nipple clips, dildos, a butt plug, or anal beads.
* A suggestion to rub one's arms and hands.
* A reminder to wrap one's arms around oneself and hug oneself and to kiss one's arms and knees.

Response:
#  How to Touch Yourself

You can try stroking, tickling, firm grabbing, and squeezing. As you become aroused, youll find your body can take more intensity and firm touch. Experiment.

Here are some ideas for self-pleasuring:

> • Massage yourself with warmed oil—dont forget your head and your feet!

> • Alternate light and firm strokes down the length of your body.

> • Lightly pull on your pubic hair or press on your pubic bone.

> • Brush a feather or soft fabric over your body.

> • Squeeze your nipples between your fingers or press your breasts into your chest with the palms of your hand.

> • Firmly grab your areola, pull, play, and twist. Lick your fingers and wet your nipples and breasts.

> • Touch your vulva by resting your whole hand over your genitals, and play with pressure.

> • Feel your perineum, the soft skin between your vagina and anus.

> • Massage your outer labia between your thumb and forefingers. Do the same with your inner labia.

> • Pull your clitoral hood back to feel your clit. Rub your clit in small circles or up and down where it is most sensitive. See if you like rubbing it with the flat of your fingers, the tips, or your thumb.

> • Get into the shower or bath and use the water pressure to stimulate your clitoris.

> • Press your fingers or a dildo into your vagina. What are the different textures? How do the different depths of your vagina feel?

> • Stimulate your G-spot by pressing firmly into it with your fingers or a firm, slightly curved sex toy.

> • Try a vibrator on your vulva, your clit, or your anus, or in your vagina.

> • Masturbate by rubbing on the bed, a pillow, or a chair, or squeezing your legs together.

> • Touch your anus on the outside. Explore the nerves there. Using water-based lubricant, explore the inside of your anus with your finger or a toy designed for anal play.

> • Try nipple clips, dildos, a butt plug, or anal beads.

> • Rub your arms and hands.

> • Wrap your arms around yourself and hug yourself.

> • Kiss your arms and knees.


Input:
 Write a section titled "A Masturbation Date" for a chapter in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* A suggestion to set aside a regular time to be with oneself and masturbate, and to make a bimonthly date with oneself to discover and explore pleasure in one's sexuality and healing.
* A scenario for a self-pleasuring date, including fixing oneself one's favorite dinner or gathering fruits, breads, and cheeses to nibble on while one plays, creating a beautiful ambiance with music, flowers, candles, and making sure the room is warm enough, getting out sex toys, water-based lubricant, or any erotica one may enjoy, reminding oneself why one chooses to masturbate, and beginning by stroking one's whole body and breathing.
* A suggestion to use one's hands, velvet, or a feather to stroke one's body, to rub one's head, feet, and calves, and to touch oneself lightly and then more firmly.
* A suggestion to read an erotic story or poem one likes or to watch one's favorite video.
* A suggestion to rock one's hips, feel the sensations spread throughout one's body, press one's back into the bed or couch, and move around.
* A suggestion to touch one's vulva, press one's hand against one's clit, tug on one's pubic hair, and press one's finger into one's perineum.
* A suggestion to touch one's labia with one hand while the other strokes one's stomach.
* A suggestion to rub one's arms, breathe deeply, and let the pleasure and relaxation in one's body grow.
* A suggestion to tell oneself that one deserves this pleasure, to grant oneself permission, to remember that one is loved and loving oneself, and to tell oneself how sexy one is.
* A suggestion to get out one's vibrator and dildo, to wet the dildo with water-based lubricant and rub the tip of it around one's vulva, and to put the vibrator near the opening of one's vagina and move slowly up toward one's clit.
* A reminder to stop when one is ready to stop, even if one got triggered, didn't come, felt silly, or didn't like one's new sex toy.
* A reminder to notice that one is well and that no harm came to one, and to show oneself appreciation.
* An acknowledgment that there are as many ways to masturbate as there are women, and that one's masturbation date may be more sensually focused, with no genital touching at all, or one may orchestrate an elaborate S/M scene for one, with intense sensation play, numerous accoutrements, and imaginative fantasies.
* A reminder that it's up to one to do what supports one's sexual healing.

Response:
#  A Masturbation Date

Set aside a regular time to be with yourself and masturbate. I suggest making a bimonthly date with yourself to discover and explore pleasure in your sexuality and your healing.

A self-pleasuring date might go like this:

Fix yourself your favorite dinner—just make sure you pick something that wont put you to sleep! Or you might gather fruits, breads, and cheeses to nibble on while you play.

Create a beautiful ambiance, as you would for a lover. Put on music, get yourself some flowers, light candles. Make sure the room is warm enough. Get out sex toys (if you have them), water-based lubricant, or any erotica you may enjoy.

Remind yourself why you choose to masturbate. Maybe tonight your intention is to give yourself a lot of pleasure or to try a new toy. Another night your focus might be on healing a specific trigger.

Begin by stroking your whole body and breathing. Use your hands, velvet, a feather. Rub your head, feet, and calves. Touch yourself lightly and then more firmly. Spread lotion or a scented oil on your body.

Read an erotic story or poem you like. Pop your favorite video into the VCR.

Rock your hips, feeling the sensations spread throughout your body. Press your back into the bed or couch. Move around. Feel your whole body come alive.

Now touch your vulva. Press your hand against your clit. Tug on your pubic hair, and press your finger into your perineum. Touch your labia with one hand while the other strokes your stomach.

Rub your arms. Breathe deeply, letting the pleasure and relaxation in your body grow.

Tell yourself that you deserve this pleasure. Grant yourself permission. Remember that you are loved and loving yourself. Tell yourself how sexy you are!

Get out your vibrator and dildo. Wet the dildo with water-based lubricant and rub the tip of it around your vulva. Put the vibrator near the opening of your vagina and move slowly up toward your clit…

Now you make up the rest…

When you are ready to stop, stop.

Even if you got triggered, didnt come, felt silly, or didnt like that new sixty-dollar sex toy, give yourself some credit. You did it! Notice that you are well and that no harm came to you. Show yourself some appreciation!

Of course there are as many ways to masturbate as there are women. Your masturbation date may be more sensually focused, with no genital touching at all. Or you may orchestrate an elaborate S/M scene for one, with intense sensation play, numerous accoutrements, and imaginative fantasies. Its up to you. Do what supports your sexual healing.


Input:
 Write a section titled "Sex Toys, Fantasies, and Porn" for a chapter in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* A statement that using sex toys, reading erotica, and watching pornography are all popular masturbation options.
* A statement that many people fantasize when masturbating and that some folks fantasize about people they know, others about strangers or acquaintances.
* A quote from a woman named Jane about how she used to not masturbate, then fantasized a lot about strangers or movie stars, and now likes to float in the sensations of all of it and fantasize about her girlfriend.
* A statement that one should be aware of how one is using fantasy and erotica and to consider whether one is enhancing one's experience, bringing oneself into one's body, or taking oneself out of one's body and using fantasy as a way to escape oneself.
* A statement that one doesn't have to stop fantasizing to change how fantasy works for one.
* A quote from a woman named Terri about how fantasy has always been big in her life and how it gets her out of her distracting thoughts and past the roadblocks to her sexual response.
* A reference to chapter 12 for more information on fantasizing.

Response:
#  Sex Toys, Fantasies, and Porn

Using sex toys, reading erotica, and watching pornography are all popular masturbation options. Many people fantasize when masturbating. Some folks fantasize about people they know, others about strangers or acquaintances.

> > How I masturbate has really changed over time. I used to not masturbate.
>  Then I fantasized a lot about strangers or movie stars. I still like to do that, and
>  I also like now to float in the sensations of all of it. I fantasize about my girl-friend
>  now, too.
>
>
> Jane

Be aware of how you are using fantasy and erotica. Are you enhancing your experience, bringing yourself into your body? Do your fantasies take you out of you body? Are they a way to escape yourself? You dont have to stop fantasizing to change how fantasy works for you. See chapter 12 for more information on fantasizing.

> > Fantasy has always been big in my life. It gets me out of my distracting thoughts and past the road blocks to my sexual response.
>
> Terri


Input:
 Write a section titled "Compulsive Masturbation" for a chapter in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* A statement that some survivors compulsively masturbate to fill needs that aren't necessarily sexual.
* A statement that survivors may masturbate to calm down or to deal with intense emotion.
* A statement that survivors may masturbate when they feel angry or afraid, or when they feel uncomfortably close to someone.
* A statement that compulsively masturbating can be a way to try to temper or shut down emotions related to the abuse.
* A statement that sometimes incessant masturbating is a natural stage of healing.
* A question that asks the reader to check in with themselves if they are masturbating more than they are comfortable with.
* A series of questions that ask the reader what they want or need right now, such as to masturbate, to be held, to eat, or to address fear.
* A statement that if the reader wants to masturbate, they should go ahead, but if they need something else, they should give themselves that.
* A quote from a woman named Rosa about how she masturbated incessantly during one part of her healing and how she masturbated to memories and images of the abuse, but then it shifted and she didn't feel manic about it anymore and the abuse fantasies had lost their attraction.

Response:
#  Compulsive Masturbation

Some survivors compulsively masturbate to fill needs that arent necessarily sexual. You may masturbate to calm down or to deal with intense emotion. You may masturbate when you feel angry or afraid, or when you feel uncomfortably close to someone. Compulsively masturbating can be a way to try to temper or shut down emotions related to the abuse.

Sometimes incessant masturbating is a natural stage of healing. If you are masturbating more than you are comfortable with, check in with yourself. If you could have anything at all right now, what would it be? Do you want to masturbate? Do you want to be held? Are you hungry? Are you scared? If you want to masturbate, go ahead. If you need something else, give yourself that.

> > I masturbated incessantly during one part of my healing. I masturbated to memories and images of the abuse. Then when I was ready, it shifted. I didnt feel manic about it anymore and the abuse fantasies had lost their attraction.
>
> Rosa


Input:
 Write a section titled "Mutual Masturbation" for a chapter in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* A definition of mutual masturbation as masturbating with another person.
* A statement that there are numerous benefits to mutual masturbation.
* A statement that mutual masturbation is a good way to show your partner how you like to be touched.
* A statement that mutual masturbation can let you find out what turns your partner on.
* A statement that mutual masturbation can let you play at being a voyeur or an exhibitionist.
* A statement that mutual masturbation is the most foolproof form of safer sex.
* A statement that for some people, the thought of masturbating with someone else is inconceivable or embarrassing.
* A quote from a woman named Evelyn about how she thinks of masturbation as private.
* A statement that mutual masturbation can be a good option when one partner does not want to have partner sex but both partners want to be sexually intimate.
* A quote from a man named Marty about how he finds mutual masturbation helpful in new relationships.
* A quote from a person named JR about how mutual masturbation has helped them and their partner maintain sexual intimacy during difficult parts of their recovery.
* A statement that many people, survivors included, find watching or being watched sexually exciting.
* A statement that it can be exciting to watch your partner pleasure themselves in front of you.
* A quote from a woman named Aurora about how she enjoys getting her partner turned on by watching her masturbate.

Response:
#  Mutual Masturbation

Mutual masturbation is masturbating with another person. One of you can masturbate while the other watches, or you can both masturbate together. There are numerous benefits to mutual masturbation. It is one of the best ways to show your partner how you liked to be touched. Some things are easier to show than to tell. You can find out what turns your partner on. Mutual masturbation can also let you play at being a voyeur or an exhibitionist, and it is the most foolproof form of safer sex.

For many, the thought of masturbating with someone else is inconceivable. Even in long-term marriages and partnerships, many people dont know how or how often their partners masturbate.

> > I think of masturbation as private. I would be embarrassed to reveal that much of myself.
>
> Evelyn
>
>> For me it feels safer to masturbate with a new lover before we are sexual with each other. In the past I have been sexual with anyone who showed any interest whether I wanted to or not. This approach forces me to communicate with a lover first, to get to know him better, and then to see if I want to really be sexual with him.
>
> Marty

Mutual masturbation is a wonderful option when one of you does not want to have partner sex but you both still want to be sexually intimate.

> > My girlfriend and I are both incest survivors. We have not always been on the same timeline when it came to our recovery and sex. One thing we came up with when one of us did not want to have sex for a while was to hold the other one while she masturbated. This became a way for us to keep sex in our relationship during harder parts of the healing.
>
> JR

Many people, survivors included, find watching or being watched a big turn-on. It can be very exciting to watch your partner pleasure himself or herself in front of you, or to get your partner all turned on by watching you.

> > I love getting my lover all hot just by watching me masturbate. I dont let him touch me until I say he can, no matter how steamy he gets. It is a great game.
>
> Aurora


Input:
  Write a section titled "Sex Guide Exercises" for a chapter in "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" that includes the following:

* An exercise titled "Explore your beliefs about masturbation" that asks the reader to consider what they learned about masturbation, who or what taught them that, and what they would say about masturbation if they could decide for themselves.
* An exercise titled "Make a list of the top ten reasons to masturbate" that asks the reader to consider how masturbation could serve them and their sexual healing.
* An exercise titled "Create a Masturbation Discovery Log" that asks the reader to write down what they find they like and don't like about masturbation, what works for them, what comes up for them as they masturbate, how they feel in their body, and how they are using masturbation to heal.

Response:
#  Sex Guide Exercises

> 1\. Explore your beliefs about masturbation. What did you learn about masturbation? Who or what taught you that? If you could decide what masturbation is for you, what would you say?

> 2\. Make a list of the top ten reasons to masturbate. How could it serve you and your sexual healing?

> 3\. Create a Masturbation Discovery Log. Write down what you find you like and dont like. What works for you? What comes up as you masturbate? How do you feel in your body? How are you using masturbation to heal?


Input:
 Write a section for Chapter Seven titled "Consent and Boundaries: The 'Yes,' 'No,' and 'Maybe' of Sex" that includes the following:

* A quote from a person named Jackie who finds boundaries confusing and usually follows the other person's lead in sex.
* A quote from a person named Rebecca who realized that respecting her own boundaries around sex, saying "no" when she didn't want to have sex, and initiating sex when she did want it, was the fastest way for her to heal sexually.

Response:
chapter seven

Consent and Boundaries: The "Yes," "No," and "Maybe" of Sex

> > Boundaries are confusing. I am not really sure when to say "yes" and when to say "no." I mostly just follow the other persons lead in sex. Maybe they know what they want.
>
> Jackie
>
>> I painstakingly came to realize that respecting my own boundaries around sex, saying "no" when I didnt want to have sex, and initiating sex when I did want it, was the fastest way for me to heal sexually.
>
> Rebecca


Input:
 Write a section for the book titled "What Is Consent?" that includes the following:

* A definition of consent as the ability to choose based on one's own internal experience and to communicate those wants, emphasizing that consent is an ongoing process and that one can change their mind at any point during a sexual encounter.
* An explanation of the importance of being in touch with bodily sensations and knowing one's own sexual preferences and boundaries in order to practice consent.
* Examples of various situations in which a person can say "no," "maybe," or "yes" to different sexual activities, including Marty's experience of not realizing they could say "no" to sex and Kate's experience of practicing communication with their girlfriend during sexual experiences.
* A discussion of the importance of balancing one's own desires with those of one's partner, emphasizing that both people have equal say over their own sexuality and that consent does not mean disregarding the other person's feelings.

Response:
#  What Is Consent?

Consent is the ability to choose, based on your own internal experience, what you want physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and sexually, and then to communicate those wants. Consent is an ongoing process of making choices. This is what therapists mean when they talk about being "at choice." You can consent to one thing and not to another, or change your mind at any point in a sexual encounter. Between "yes" and "no," there is a huge territory, which I call the land of "maybe." "Maybe" is where you will do most of your work with boundaries.

To practice consent, you need to be in touch with the bodily sensations that let you know what you do and do not want. You need to know what you like sexually. You need enough information to make a decision that serves your interests. Finally, you need to know how to communicate your consent to your partners.

You can be hot and heavy into kissing, decide you are done for now, and choose to stop. You can be in the middle of oral sex and decide that you do not want to continue. You can say "maybe" to penetration, and later decide you do want to try it. You can say "yes" to sex as often as you like. You can ask for your stomach to be touched and your hips not. What you said "no" to last time might be a "yes" this time, and vice versa. This is a radical concept to most people, especially to survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

> > I had no idea that I could say "no" to sex. I thought that once I started kissing
>  someone, that was it; I had to do whatever they wanted or else Id be a tease.
>  I had a lot of sex I didnt want to have.
>
>
> Marty
>
>> I used to worry that changing my mind during a sexual experience would be too hard on my girlfriend. I started to practice saying what I wanted and didnt want as we went. She actually really liked it! Sometimes it slowed things down, but mostly it let us explore so much more. Our sex is a lot more interesting and hot now, and I feel known.
>
> Kate

Having full say about your own body does not mean disregarding others feelings. It means that you have full say over you, while others have the same say over their bodies and sexuality. Some survivors are so unaccustomed to having control over their own sexuality that they confuse choice with selfishness. "What about what the other person wants?" they ask. The other persons wants are just as valid and valuable as yours—just not more so. Find sexual experiences that will delight both of you, or dont be sexual together at all.


Input:
 Write a section for the book titled "Sexual Abuse and Unwanted Sex" that includes the following:

* An explanation of how almost all survivors of sexual abuse report having had sex when they didn't want to, and how childhood sexual abuse teaches one to disregard their own boundaries and act on someone else's rules.
* Personal stories from Laura and Marianne about their experiences with sexual abuse and how it taught them that "no" was not an acceptable response or that they were to blame for the abuse.
* A reminder that the survivor is now the one who decides about their own body and sexual choices, and that they can say "no" anytime they do not want to have sex, regardless of circumstances or relationship status.
* An example of a survivor who realized that they did not have to limit their own sexual desires based on their partner's opinions or discomfort.
* A prompt for the reader to reevaluate the rules they learned about consent, both from their own abuse and from the culture at large, and when they are not "allowed" to say "no" or "yes" to sex.
* An affirmation that the survivor is the sole owner of their own body and sexuality, and that they never have to have unwanted sex or sex based solely on another person's needs and desires, no matter the circumstances.
* A list of examples of situations in which the survivor can choose not to have sex, such as even if they have been married for many years, even if they had sex with someone before, etc.

Response:
#  Sexual Abuse and Unwanted Sex

Nearly all the survivors I have worked with report having had sex when they didnt want to. Its almost as if this were taken for granted; unwanted sex becomes such a given for survivors that many hardly notice it anymore.

Childhood sexual abuse teaches you to disregard your own internal sense of boundaries and to run your life by somebody elses rules. When you were abused, you did not get the opportunity to act on your internal sense of consent. You were not invited to state your boundaries, and if you managed to express your feelings, you were not heard or respected.

Sexual abuse can also have the effect of turning consent upside down and inside out. "No" meant "yes," and "yes" meant "no." Saying "no" had no effect or may have brought on worse abuse. You may have been manipulated into asking for sexual contact. Sexual contact may have been your only source of comfort or connection.

> > "No" was clearly not an acceptable response to my father. The last time I tried to say "no" I was nine. I said "no" and my body froze, wouldnt cooperate. He became so outraged that he beat me, kicking me in the back, breaking my rib. "No" was no longer a possibility for me after this.
>
> Laura
>
>> When I was seven, I asked my grandpa to play our "game" that he had taught me. It was a touching game. Before then he would tickle my back and I his, but this time he began touching my legs and my chest. He molested me. I always thought it was my fault.
>
> Marianne

It is vital that you reintegrate the experience of choice and consent into your sex life. Regarding your body and soul, you are now the one who decides. You now have the first, middle, and last word on what you choose sexually.

I often hear people make exceptions to this. "You mean I can say no to sex with my husband of eighteen years?" Yes, you can say "no" anytime you do not want to have sex. While you did not have a choice about unwanted sexual contact as a child, you now get to have full choice about the kind of sex you want to have, when you want to have it, where, and with whom.

Another survivor in a workshop realized, "These last years, as I have been coming into my sexuality, my partner has been judgmental about what I like sexually. He says something is wrong with me because my sexuality makes him uncomfortable. I am just fine. My desires are just fine. He doesnt have to do anything he doesnt want to, but I also dont have to limit myself based on his opinions."

People hold many unspoken rules about sex and consent: "You cant say no too many times in a row before you have to say yes." "You cant initiate sex too often because people will think youre a nympho." "You have to finish what you started." Take a moment to reevaluate the rules you learned about consent both from the abuse and the culture at large. When are you not "allowed" to say "no"? When are you not "allowed" to say "yes" or initiate sex?

You never again have to have unwanted sex. You never again have to have sex based solely on another persons needs and desires—no matter how convincing your partner may be, no matter how much you may love your partner, not even if your partner threatens to leave you. From this moment on, you are the sole owner of your body and your sexuality.

> Even if …
>
> Even if…you have been married for twenty years, you can decline to have sex, whenever and as often as you like.
>
>>
>
>
> Even if…you had sex with someone before, you can choose whether you want to have sex with him or her again.
>
>
>
>
> Even if…you have initiated sex twice already today, you can initiate sex again.
>
>
>
>
> Even if…you are turned on and have all your clothes off, you can choose to stop sexual activity.
>
>
>
>
> Even if…your partner does not want to try the things that you want, you can negotiate ways to express your sexuality on your own terms.
>
>
>
>
> Even if…your partner threatens to leave you, it is your choice not to be sexual.
>
>
>
>
> Even if…others think what you desire is strange, you can choose whatever sexual expression fits you.
>
>
>
>
> Even if…(add your own).


Input:
 Write a section for the book titled "Embodied Consent" that includes the following:

* An explanation of how survivors learn to override their feelings and acquiesce to others wishes, and an invitation for the reader to reconnect with their own body and make decisions based on their own needs and desires.
* A definition of embodied consent as making decisions about sex from inside one's own body.
* An example from a survivor named Pam about not knowing what consent means in the actual situation.
* An explanation of the importance of noticing one's own body sensations and signals, and an exercise for the reader to check in with their own body and identify how they know when their body says "yes."
* An explanation of how to identify the signals and sensations that appear in one's body when they do not want to engage in a certain sexual experience.
* An explanation of how to handle contradictory feelings in the body, such as feeling sexually turned on but also scared or anxious, and examples from workshop participants about how they have learned to distinguish between different sensations.
* Examples from survivors named Barb and Rose about making decisions about sex in their heads rather than checking in with their bodies.
* A reminder that consent does not always feel comfortable, easy, and joyous, and that it is important to learn the difference between experiencing feelings and wanting to stop what one is doing.

Response:
#  Embodied Consent

The information that you receive from your body in the form of sensations, feelings, and intuition is key to the process of making choices. Survivors learn to override their feelings and acquiesce to others wishes. I want to invite you back into your body now. From inside your own body, you can decide what you want sexually based on your own needs, desires, and values. I call this embodied consent.

> > Consent was a good idea to me. It sounded right, but I didnt for the life of me know what that meant in the actual situation.
>
> Pam

The first step in embodied consent is noticing your own body sensations and signals. What are you feeling in your chest, your pelvis, your stomach? When you are doing something that you want to do, when your insides are saying "yes," how do you know this? For example, one survivor I worked with said her stomach relaxes and she gets a warm sensation there when she knows it is okay for her to go ahead. Another survivor reported that she felt an openness and warmth in her pelvis and a connection to her voice and throat when she felt a "yes." Check this out for yourself. How do you know when your body says "yes"?

Conversely, what signals and sensations appear in your body when you do not want to engage in a certain sexual experience? How do you know when it is not feeling right anymore? Another survivor reported: "I start to feel panicky in my chest and want to pull away physically. I usually try to talk myself into sexual contact, telling myself, whats the big deal? Nothing bad is happening. Then if I dont listen to my body, I usually check out and have sex without being there." When you do not want to be sexual in some way, you may notice your breathing getting short, your stomach getting tight, or your body wanting to pull away. Pay attention. This is you communicating to you. What sensations in your body communicate a "no" to you?

And what about maybe? Sometimes there are a number of seemingly contradictory feelings happening in your body at once. You may feel sexually turned on in your hips and vulva, and feel pulled away in your chest. You may feel a warmth in your solar plexus, indicating the go-ahead, and be afraid or tight in your throat. What do you do then?

Actually, experiencing contradictory feelings is familiar territory for most survivors. Consent then becomes a matter of distinguishing what sensations are what. One workshop participant noted, "I feel the consent to be sexual in my belly, it is a settled, sure sensation, and I can feel anxious in my chest at the same time. I am anxious when I am getting close to someone. I can count on this happening. It does not mean I do not want to be sexual. It just means I am feeling scared while I am being sexual." Another survivor shared, "I usually stop having sex when my stomach gets tight. I see now, though, that my stomach being tight is me feeling stressed about being turned on. It was so awful to get turned on during the sexual molestation that my body still tries not to do it. If I just relax and acknowledge my stomach and the fear there, I can go right on being sexual. My stomach being tight does not mean I do not want to have sex."

Sometimes we make choices about sex in our heads, because it seems like a good idea, seems to make sense, when we may be feeling something entirely different in our bodies.

> > I have sex when it seems right, like all the pieces are in place… I never even thought to check in with my body to see if I wanted to have sex.
>
> Barb
>
>> I didnt know I had a body, so I made almost all my decisions out of my head.
>  I ignored my body just like I did when I was getting abused. It seemed like a
>  morass of emotions and feelings that I didnt want anything to do with.
>
>
> Rose

You can end up feeling used, angry, or self-loathing after such a decision.

Consent does not always feel comfortable, easy, and joyous. Sometimes a consensual sexual experience can bring up sadness, anger, or feelings of abandonment. It is important to learn the difference between experiencing feelings and wanting to stop what you are doing. You can do this by paying attention to your body and learning its language.


Input:
 Write a section for the book titled "Informed Consent" that includes the following:

* An explanation of the importance of having all necessary information to make a decision about sex, including knowing your partner's willingness to practice safer sex or their availability for a certain type of relationship.
* An explanation of the importance of knowing your own criteria for having sex.
* An example from a survivor named Jackie about learning to ask potential partners about their safer sex practices.
* A list of questions to ask a partner, including:
	+ Their willingness to practice safer sex and their STD testing history
	+ Their views on monogamy vs. nonmonogamy
	+ What they are looking for in terms of a relationship (long-term, casual, etc.)
	+ Their sexual preferences and whether they align with your own
* An explanation that these questions may seem forward, but that they can save you and your partner from heartaches and headaches by promoting open communication about sex.
* An example from a survivor named Evelyn about the importance of communicating about sex and trusting friends who encourage this.

Response:
#  Informed Consent

To practice consent, you need outside information, too—all of the information necessary to make a decision. You may need to know that your partner is willing to practice safer sex or that he or she is available for the type of relationship you desire. You may need to know that your partner will stay with you through the messier moments of your healing process. What are your criteria for having sex?

> > I have finally learned to ask guys I am interested in if they practice safer sex before I have sex with them. What a concept!
>
> Jackie

Here are some questions to ask your partner:

> • Are you willing to practice safer sex? Have you been tested for sexually transmitted diseases? When? What were the results?

> • I am interested in being nonmonogamous (or monogamous). Where do you stand on that?

> • I am looking for a long-term relationship (or a summer fling). What are you looking for?

> • What do you like sexually? I like oral sex (or lots of cuddling or anal penetration). Is this something you are interested in?

While these questions may seem rather forward, you can save yourself and others heartaches and headaches by learning to communicate about sex. You can have this conversation before you are sexual with a partner, early on in a sexual relationship, or after years in a marriage or long-term relationship.

> > The idea of actually talking about sex was a shocker. You mean, say all of this out loud? Luckily, I trusted the friend who kept encouraging this. I explored what I might want to say and realized that certain things were important to me about sex and that they were worth saying.
>
> Evelyn


Input:
  Write a section for the book titled "Knowing What You Want" that includes the following:

* An explanation that knowing your desires is not about having a fixed list of sex acts, but rather about knowing what feels pleasurable or interesting to you, and what may be intriguing even if it's scary.
* An acknowledgement that articulating your desires will involve making mistakes, such as saying "no" to something you wish you had tried or saying "yes" to something you later realize you didn't want.
* An example from a survivor named Naomi about the challenges of figuring out boundaries and the importance of being gentle with oneself.
* Encouragement to be one's own strongest advocate and to respect one's own sense of consent and boundaries as they would want someone they love to be respected.
* Permission to explore and make mistakes in the process of learning about one's own desires and boundaries.

Response:
#  Knowing What You Want

Of course, you have to know what you want before you can tell someone else. Your desires are not an unchanging menu of sex acts. Rather, knowing what you want means knowing what feels pleasurable or hot to you, what you are interested in exploring, and what is scary yet intriguing to you.

As you articulate your desires, you can count on making mistakes. You will end up saying "no" to something you wish you had tried, and you will most likely say "yes" to something that you later discover you did not want.

> > When I first let myself start having sex, I didnt know where my boundaries were. When I messed up and had sex I didnt want to have, I felt awful—like now I was betraying myself. I kept trying, though, and was easier on myself after a while. How was I supposed to be good at having boundaries when I was never allowed to have one? I had to learn.i
>
> Naomi

Be your own strongest advocate and be gentle with yourself. Respect your own sense of consent and boundaries as you would want the person you love most to be respected. Give yourself room to explore and make mistakes.


Input:
   Write a section for the book titled "Communicating Consent" that includes the following:

* A quote from a survivor named Rebecca about the importance of communicating what you do and don't want when it comes to sex.
* An explanation that while it may be scary to talk about sex, especially with a partner, good communication is essential to a healthy and empowered sex life.
* An encouragement to practice saying aloud phrases such as "I would like to have sex with you," "I might be interested in having sex with you; I'll get back to you," and "I do not want to have sex with you." Also suggest practicing these phrases in front of a mirror.
* An acknowledgement that talking about sex can be uncomfortable at first, but it will become easier with practice.
* Include quotes from survivors named Jo and Sheila about the challenges of communicating their desires and the importance of doing so despite those challenges. These quotes should touch on feelings of embarrassment, shame, and not feeling deserving of sexual pleasure.

Response:
#  Communicating Consent

> > My new mantra about sex is this: If you want it, say so; if you dont want it, say so. It is up to me now to take care of me.
>
> Rebecca

You may find it frightening to talk about sex—especially with the person you want to have sex with. Yet good sexual communication is the single most important tool you can acquire to improve and empower your sex life. Communication is how you consent

Take a moment now and practice saying aloud, "I would like to have sex with you." Change the words if you want to, but imagine you are inviting someone to have sex with you. Now try, "I might be interested in having sex with you; Ill get back to you." And now, "I do not want to have sex with you." Change "have sex" to another sexual activity and repeat the three statements: "I would like to kiss you." "I might be interested in touching you." "I do not want to have intercourse with you."

Now say these in front of a mirror. There you are, a person learning to talk about sex! Talking about sex will become comfortable over time. At Good Vibrations, I lost count of the number of times people thanked me for being able to speak about sex as a normal and natural part of life. People were relieved to hear me say "vulva," "clitoris," "penis," "anus," and "balls" without laughing or having my voice crack. This normalization of sex and sexual terms came with practice. Believe me, I wanted to giggle a lot during my training!

> > Once I learned that I deserve to be sexual when I want to and not when I dont,
>  then I had to learn how to say it. That was weird, and harder than Id thought.
>  I would get all embarrassed and shy, and not want to speak. I had to do it any-way
>  because I was not going to go ahead when I didnt want to anymore; I was
>  tired of not asking for what I wanted.
>
>
> Jo
>
>> Surprisingly, saying what I wanted sexually made me more nervous than saying "no." I thought, "Who am I to actually ask for the sex I want?" I did not feel deserving of it. I felt like a slut sometimes, and I felt shame that I was being so forward. This was all muck from the abuse that I had to work through.
>
> Sheila


Input:
 Write a section for the book titled ""Yes," "No," and "Maybe" Vignettes" that includes the following:

* An introduction explaining that the following are stories about consent that have been collected over time while working with survivors and sexual healing.
* An explanation that these stories are included as examples of embodied consent and communication.
* Note that these vignettes will illustrate different scenarios where consent is clearly given, clearly denied, or somewhere in between.

Response:
#  "Yes," "No," and "Maybe" Vignettes

The following are stories about consent that I have collected over time in my work with survivors and sexual healing. I include them here as examples of embodied consent and communication:


Input:
 Write a vignette for the ""Yes"" section that includes the following:

* A story about a survivor who is becoming more comfortable with their sexuality and has been learning to masturbate.
* The survivor has the idea of inviting their spouse to watch them masturbate and decides to ask them.
* The spouse is surprised and delighted by the proposition.
* The survivor feels connected to their spouse while they watch and it is more exciting than they expected.
* The survivor then asks their spouse to kiss them but not touch them while they continue to masturbate.
* The survivor reaches climax this way and it is a positive, slightly scary, and good experience for them.

Response:
##  The "Yes"

I was becoming more comfortable with my sexuality and had been learning to masturbate. I had the idea that Id like to invite my husband to watch me masturbate. So, I asked him. He was surprised and delighted. I watched him watching me, and I felt connected to him. It was much more exciting than Id expected. I asked him to kiss me but not touch me while I continued to masturbate. I came that way, kissing him. It was a little scary and so good for me.


Input:
 Write a vignette for the ""Maybe"" section that includes the following:

* A story about two individuals in a long-distance relationship, with one partner staying home due to work commitments while the other attends college in another state.
* The partner who moved away suggests trying phone sex as a way to stay connected intimately. They propose that both get vibrators or dildos and masturbate together while talking sexy over the phone.
* The other partner is initially uncomfortable with the idea and instead of saying "no," they say "maybe" and ask for a few days to think about it.
* The partner reflects on what makes them uncomfortable and realizes that fear of sounding silly or not being good at it aren't good enough reasons to dismiss the idea.
* They decide to see it as a new challenge and give it a try, starting off awkwardly but growing more confident and having fun over time.
* The partner learns a lot about their sexuality and becomes more confident in discussing sex by engaging in phone sex.

Response:
##  The "Maybe"

My girlfriend moved to another state to attend college and I stayed home because of work. We could only afford to see each other periodically, and things got pretty lonely. She suggested that we try phone sex, that we both get vibrators or dildos and masturbate with each other while talking sexy over the phone. I was so uncomfortable when she asked. Instead of saying "no," though, I said, "Maybe, give me a few days to think about it." I thought about what made me so uncomfortable. I was scared that I might sound silly, or that I might not be very good at it. Those werent good enough reasons for me to not do it, and I thought I could see it as a new challenge. I was awkward at first, but it was so fun over time. I learned so much about both of us sexually, and I became a lot more confident about sex and talking about sex by talking on the phone.


Input:
 Write a two-part vignette for the "The "No"" section that includes the following:

* A situation where a long-term coworker asks a colleague to dinner and repeatedly pressures them to have sex. Despite the pressure, the colleague clearly states that they are not interested, and it takes the coworker three tries to understand and respect their decision.
* A scene where a survivor of sexual abuse is in a new relationship, and their partner performs an intimate act that triggers memories of the abuse. The survivor is unsure of how to react at first, but then takes a deep breath and communicates their feelings to their partner. They explain that they like being touched but dislike the specific act that is reminiscent of the abuse. The survivor is proud of their ability to communicate their boundaries, and their partner accepts and respects these boundaries.

Response:
##  The "No"

A long-term co-worker asked me to dinner and propositioned me. He actually put quite a lot of pressure on me to have sex. I clearly stated that I wasnt interested. It took three times before he got it.

I was playing around with my lover. Wed only been lovers for a few months and I hadnt talked about the incest much. He began to put his mouth on my breast in a way that really reminded me of the abuse. I didnt know what to do at first; then I took a deep breath and told him that I really liked him touching me, but I didnt enjoy him sucking on my breast like that. I told him I liked it better when he nibbled. It had taken me a lot of sexual healing to get to the place where I could do that. I was so proud of myself, and he did fine with it.


Input:
 Write a section for the "Negotiate Before You Play" chapter that includes the following:

* An explanation of the practice of negotiation in the S/M community before any S/M or sexual play. Highlight that this practice can be empowering for people of any sexual persuasion.
* Encouragement for individuals to have a conversation about sex with their partner before engaging in sexual activity. Suggest relaxed environments for this conversation, such as the kitchen table, while taking a drive or a walk.
* Emphasis on discussing interests, boundaries, desires, and safer sex criteria during this conversation.
* A testimonial from someone named Tracy who initially felt embarrassed about discussing boundaries but found it to be a turn-on and felt more comfortable talking during sex.
* A suggestion for partners to talk about how to handle any triggers that may come up during sex. Encourage them to discuss dissociation and the kind of support that would be helpful in such situations.
* A reminder that long-term partners may still have new information to learn about each other regarding sex. Encourage them to ask questions, discuss changes they would like to make, and discover new things about their partner.

Response:
#  Negotiate Before You Play

In the S/M community, there is a practice of negotiating before any S/M or sexual play. The idea is to talk about your interests, your boundaries, your desires, and safer sex before getting into the action. This practice can be empowering for people of any sexual persuasion. Talking about sex before you do it gives you the opportunity to create a sexual experience that includes your needs, desires, and boundaries.

Whether you are engaging with a new sexual partner or someone you have been with for years, have a conversation about sex before you play. Choose a relaxed environment, not the bedroom or your usual sexual setting. The kitchen table can be a good spot. Or, take a drive or a walk. Talk with your partner about what you want, what you do not want, and where you feel there is room for exploring. Now is the time to talk about your criteria for safer sex. You can also use this time to bring up something you might like to change about your sex together. Ask the questions that are important to you, and find out about your partners needs, limits, and desires. Together you can negotiate sex that will be satisfying for both of you.

> > I was embarrassed to talk about my boundaries and ask questions before I was sexual. I felt like it would put a damper on the spontaneity of our attraction. It ended up being more of a turn-on, though, and I felt so much more comfortable talking during sex, too.
>
> Tracy
>
> Depending upon your level of intimacy with your partner, you can also choose to talk about how to handle any triggers that may come up during sex. You can tell her or him what you are like when you dissociate and what kind of support would be helpful. Chapter 11 discusses developing a trigger plan for sex that you can use as a template for this conversation.
>
> Long-term partners may think that they know each other well enough to skip these conversations. I have found, however, that this is not usually the case. Partners can learn an amazing amount of new information about each other. If you are in a long-term marriage or partnership, what have you not told your partner about sex? How would you like to change or develop your sex life? What could you discover about your partner?


Input:
 Write a section for the book that includes the following:

* Emphasize that a survivor has the right to their own sexual boundaries and choices, and they do not require someone else's permission.
* Share a testimonial from someone named Janet who struggles with changing her boundaries to fit her lover's desires.
* Discuss the possibility that a survivor may not be familiar with having their boundaries respected and how they can act on their own behalf as adults.
* Provide examples of actions a survivor can take if their boundaries are not respected, such as restating the boundary, leaving the situation, or choosing to engage sexually with someone else who shares their interests.
* Address the possibility that a partner may try to make a survivor feel bad about their desires and offer suggestions on how to handle this, such as asking the partner to read sex education books or inviting them to explore new territory together.
* Encourage survivors to pay attention to potential partners' willingness to support their boundaries and respect their desires.
* Ask survivors to reflect on their own respect for their boundaries and desires and to practice respecting themselves as they ask others to do the same.

Response:
#  Response from Others

Whether or not your sexual partner is happy with your sexual boundaries or agrees with your sexual choices, you get to have them. Your needs and desires do not require someone elses permission. For many survivors, this is a difficult concept.

> > Its automatic for me. If I have a boundary that my lover doesnt like, I start figuring out how to change it, how to fit me to what he wants.
>
> Janet

As a survivor, you may be unfamiliar with having your sexual boundaries noticed, let alone respected. One workshop participant said, "I think I fight more than I need to about sex. I assume that my boyfriend wants me to do things I dont want to do. When I check it out with him, thats not really true."

Whatever the response, you are free to make your own decisions and take the action necessary to back them up. As an adult, you can act on your own behalf in ways that you could not as a child when you were powerless to stop the abuse.

If your sexual partner does not respect your boundaries, you can take action to protect yourself. You have a number of options.

You can restate your boundary and a consequence for it not being respected: "I want to use a condom when we have sex. If you are unwilling to do that, I wont have sex with you."

You can leave the sexual situation in order to talk in a nonsexual setting: "I want to talk to you about this more, but outside of bed. Im going to put my clothes on and Ill meet you in the kitchen."

You can leave the situation altogether: "This is not okay for me. I am leaving now."

If your partner is uncomfortable with your sexual choices, she or he may try to make you feel bad about your desires. You do not have to collapse into your partners opinion or mold yourself to fit his or her values. Again, you have options.

You can ask your partner to read sex education books or watch educational videos to learn more about the type of sex you are interested in.

You can invite your partner to explore new territory together.

You can also choose to change the nature of your relationship and engage sexually with someone else who shares your sexual interests. You get to create the sex life that works for you!

When you chose sexual partners, pay attention to their willingness to support your boundaries. Are they able to encourage your sexual desires even if your desires are different from their own? Remember, actions speak louder than words.

Do you respect your own boundaries and sexual desires? Do you edit your needs or think of yourself as bad for having your desires? Practice respecting yourself as you ask others to respect you.


Input:
 Write a section for the book that includes the following:

* Define healthy risks as choices that take into account both well-being and growth, emphasizing their importance in sexual healing.
* Share a testimonial from someone named Laurie about the step-by-step process of pushing through barriers to reach new plateaus in her sexual healing journey.
* Address the misconception that the goal of sexual healing is to have sex that feels safe, explaining that feeling discomfort and fear during the healing process is normal.
* Share a testimonial from someone named Marianne about how healing sometimes feels worse before it feels better.
* Ask survivors to reflect on their default behavior regarding sex - do they automatically say "no" or "yes"?
* Provide examples of healthy risks for survivors who tend to say "no" to sex, such as buying sexy clothes, initiating sexual experiences, or having conversations about sex with their lover.
* Provide examples of healthy risks for survivors who tend to say "yes" to sex, such as setting sexual boundaries, saying "no" to new sexual experiences, or having conversations about boundaries with their lover.
* Encourage survivors to consider what they would say "no" to if they could say "no" without any negative consequences.

Response:
#  Healthy Risks

Healthy risks are choices that take into account both your well-being and your desire for growth. Pushing up against old limitations in order to allow more pleasure and choice into your sex life is key to sexual healing. Healthy risks push you past your comfort zone without challenging you beyond what you can handle.

> > Sexual healing is a step-by-step process for me. I push through a barrier, usually
>  feeling terrified, get to a new plateau, then push through another barrier.
>  It reminds me of the tortoise and the hare; slow but steady wins the race.
>
>
> Laurie

Many survivors say that they just want sex to feel safe. Unfortunately, having as your goal sex that is unthreatening and comfortable will keep you stuck. Because of the nature of sexual abuse and trauma, as you heal sexually, you will necessarily pass through times of discomfort and fear. As you take healthy risks that increase your pleasure and your choices, you will feel all the old fear, loss, and anger. This is normal. With each new sensation you allow yourself to feel, your sexuality will be freed from the control of sexual abuse.

> > I think healing means feeling good. I start to feel bad and I think I must be back-sliding.
>  My group tells me it is the opposite—that I will feel worse at times when
>  I am getting better. Its like cleaning out a wound.
>
>
> Marianne

What is your default behavior? Do you automatically say "no" to sex? Or do you say "yes" without asking yourself whether you even want it?

If you are more likely to say "no" to sex or new sexual experiences, taking a healthy risk may mean pushing the envelope. What is one risk you can take sexually that will bring more freedom and choice into your sex life? You may want to risk buying some sexy clothes, and even wearing them on a date. Maybe you can risk initiating a sexual experience of your own design, or even a conversation with your lover about sex. What will expand the constraints on your sexual expression, while not pushing you beyond what you can handle?

If you are more likely to say "yes" and have a harder time finding "no," a healthy risk for you may be setting a sexual boundary. You might risk not having sex if you dont want to—when you might have otherwise talked yourself into it. You might say "no" to a new sexual experience that would push you too far. Maybe you could have a conversation with your lover about your boundaries. What would you say "no" to if you could say "no" to anything without any negative consequences?