Input:
  Write a new section called "Grief and Loss". Begin this section with a quote from a survivor about crying during or after sex. Then, in this section:

* Explain that underneath anger, there is often loss and grief, and that grief and loss come up during sex for many survivors.
* Discuss some of the specific losses that survivors of childhood sexual abuse may experience, such as the loss of their body, their childhood, their love, their safety, and their ability to trust.
* Provide examples of survivors' experiences with crying during orgasm and feeling a sense of loss during sex.
* Emphasize that feeling sadness and grief during sex is a normal part of the healing process and that a healthy sexual relationship can make room for these emotions.
* Describe some of the ways that grief may show up in the body and suggest ways that survivors can release their grief, such as rocking, wrapping themselves in a blanket, naming their losses aloud, and creating rituals to mark their losses.

Response:
##  Grief and Loss

> > The question isnt have I ever cried during or after sex, but just how many times have I cried?
>
> Stephanie

Under all that anger, youll find loss and grief. We are angry because we have been disrespected, betrayed, and wounded—and we grieve for these same pains. For survivors, there is the loss of your body, your childhood, your love, your safety, and your fundamental ability to trust yourself, other people, the world, and in many cases, your mother, father, siblings, and other family members. Childhood sexual abuse is responsible for some of the most devastating losses that humans experience.

Grief and loss also come up during sex—including masturbation. Many survivors also report crying when they orgasm.

> > For years I cried every time I had an orgasm. I thought it was strange and tried to stop it. Once I remembered being molested, it made sense.
>
> Cheryl
>
>> I can sob after I come. It feels like a big release of the grief of being incested and the relief of having my body and my life back.
>
> Sally

Other survivors speak about a more generalized sense of loss during sex.

> > Having sex has this strange way of reminding me that I am an adult. I then get in touch with the childhood I never had. Where did it go? I have lots of grief there.
>
> Pamela
>
> Feeling sadness and grief while being sexual is a normal part of the healing process and can come up periodically throughout your life. Sex is about opening to all emotions that are present in us. A healthy sexual relationship can make room for your sadness, loss, and tears. Remember, the intensity of these feelings wont last forever. The more you allow yourself to feel and express an emotion, the sooner it will be done.

Grief can show up in many ways. You can shake, sweat, sob, moan, or laugh until you cry. Your chest may ache. You may want to curl up into a ball or crawl under the covers. Do what helps you feel deeply and release the loss from your insides. You may want to rock yourself, wrap yourself in a blanket and cry, or name aloud the things you have lost. You can make art about your loss and show it to others, or release it by burying it or burning it. Ritualizing loss can be powerful. You can make up a ritual that is meaningful to you to mark the official loss or grief and then let yourself mourn.


Input:
 Write a new section called "The Anger/Grief Interchange". Begin by describing how grief and anger can be intertwined and how survivors may avoid one or the other. In this section:

* Explain that some survivors tend to favor anger, while others favor grief.
* Discuss the importance of both anger and grief to a survivor's health. Emphasize that anger helps survivors learn to stand up for themselves, while grief reminds them of their humanity, vulnerability, and capacity for deep love and conviction.
* Explain that grief allows survivors to move on and find completion.
* Ask readers to consider which emotion they lean toward more, anger or sadness, and to try incorporating the other emotion into their lives. If they default to anger, suggest that they ask themselves what loss they are angry about. If they default to tears and sadness, encourage them to consider where their anger is and how they can begin to stand up for themselves.

Response:
##  The Anger/Grief Interchange

Grief and anger can be mingled in a way that enables you to avoid one or the other. Most survivors I have worked with tend to favor either grief or anger. Those more comfortable with anger will go to anger automatically, even when they are feeling loss. Others, more comfortable with tears and sadness, will avoid feeling anger by crying. Or they will cry when they get mad.

Both anger and grief are vital to your health. Anger helps you learn to stand up for yourself, to draw the line as to what is acceptable and unacceptable to you. Anger vitalizes you. Loss and grief remind you that you are soft, human, and touchable. Loss demonstrates that you, too, have an effect on others. And to the extent that we can feel deep loss, we can also feel vast love and hold deep convictions. In this softness and vulnerability, we are also powerful.

Grief also allows us to move on. When we grieve, we feel deep sorrow and move through the process of letting go. It is in letting go that we can find change and completion. One day, you will remember the grief, loss, and abandonment of childhood sexual abuse and realize that those feelings have been completed for you. Grief no longer runs your heart, abandonment is no longer at the center of your fears, and loss no longer rules your life.

Do you lean toward anger or sadness? Which is the easier emotion for you? Try including the other emotion in your life. If you default to anger, ask yourself, What is underneath my anger? What loss am I angry about? We are usually angry about how we were hurt or what we have lost. If you default to tears and sadness, ask yourself, Where is my anger? How can I begin to stand up for myself? What would it be like to be angry?


Input:
 Write a new section called "Fear". In this section, discuss how childhood sexual abuse can lead to lingering fear and terror for survivors. In this section:

* Explain that fear and terror can stay with survivors for years and that their bodies may be caught in a flight, fight, or freeze response.
* Describe how fear can show up during sexual situations.
* Include a quote from a survivor named Rosa who experiences fear without any discernible triggers.
* Discuss how survivors may project past abuse and reactions onto their current sexual partners.
* Include a quote from a survivor named Jenifer who sometimes feels her boyfriend is like her abusive father during sex.
* Explain that some survivors may shake, tremble, cough, sweat, or freeze up when they feel terror.
* Provide advice on how survivors can differentiate between fear grounded in the present and fear rooted in past abuse.
* Suggest that survivors use their trigger plan to help them cope with past fear emerging in their bodies.
* Include a quote from a survivor named Akaya who emphasizes the importance of sitting in one's own fear and moving through it.

Response:
##  Fear

Childhood sexual abuse is dangerous. When you were being abused, you may have felt like you were fighting to stay alive. Whether the struggle to survive was literal or metaphorical, fear, terror, and the real or perceived threat of death were visceral experiences for most survivors. This fear and terror can stay with you for years. Your body can get caught in a flight, fight, or freeze response, not knowing, on some level, that the abuse is long over.

This terror can show up during sex. You may find yourself feeling fear that doesnt seem to have anything to do with what is currently happening. You may be afraid to masturbate or afraid of sex altogether. A wave of terror may come over you in the midst of being sexual.

> > Sometimes I just get scared. There is no memory or trigger that I can tell…I just feel terrified. Sometimes I wonder if Im still letting out all of the terror I froze inside me.
>
> Rosa

Fear is particularly tricky when you are being intimate with a lover. You can project past abuse and reactions onto your current sexual partner. This is all a natural part of healing, yet it can be challenging for your sexual relationships. During sex, your partner may remind you of one of your abusers. You may think he or she wants to betray you—just like your abusers did.

> > My boyfriend seems just like my dad sometimes when we are having sex. I become young and scared and he seems so big. I am convinced he wants to take something from me.
>
> Jenifer

When feeling terror, you may shake or tremble, cough or sweat. You may freeze up and be unable to speak. These are normal responses to terror and probably similar to what you experienced as a child. See whether the fear is grounded in the present day or if it is a reaction to past abuse. What is happening in your life? Is there anything dangerous in your current situation you need to change?

If you are experiencing past fear emerging in your body, use your trigger plan to help you out. Stop, breathe, feel your body, get up and move around. Often, comforting yourself can be enough. Remind yourself that you are safe today, that the past was really scary, but that you are okay now. Call forth your internal sense of safety and access your emotional source. Physicalize your terror, allowing your body to move through the sensations.

> > I am absolutely committed to sitting in my own fear. I say, "I am afraid, I am so afraid, and I am going there anyway." Every time I do, some profound healing happens.
>
> Akaya


Input:
 Write a new section called "Longing". In this section, discuss how survivors of childhood sexual abuse may experience longing amid their fear and grief. In this section:

* Explain that longing can be for what survivors wish they had or for aspects of their relationship with their abuser that they miss.
* Provide a quote from a survivor named Carla who misses the outdoor adventures she had with her abusive father.
* Encourage survivors to acknowledge their longing as it tells them what they need and what is important to them.
* Explain that longing often includes contradictions and may make survivors reluctant to acknowledge their longing.
* Emphasize that it is important for survivors to let themselves feel their longing as it opens their heart.
* Provide a quote from a survivor named Danielle who still loves her abusive father and acknowledges that pretending otherwise would close off a piece of her heart.

Response:
##  Longing

Usually tucked amid the fear and grief is longing. You can long for what you wish you had or long for those aspects of your relationship with your abuser that you miss. Like many survivors, you might long for your mother or someone else who can protect you. You may yearn for a childhood in which you felt loved and safe.

> > My dad took me out camping and on outdoor adventures. I felt strong and like
>  I could do anything. I also felt safe with him in these settings, protected. These
>  are the experiences I miss.
>
>
> Carla

Acknowledge your longing. While grief and anger at what was missing often comes with this, longing tells you what you need and what is important to you. If you are longing for love, you can go about bringing more love into your life. If you long for a sense of belonging or being known, you can take steps to create these experiences.

Longing often includes contradictions which may make you reluctant to acknowledge your longing. "How can I long for the person who hurt me the most in my life?" You may love the person who sexually abused you. In addition to being a perpetrator, that person was your father, brother, aunt, grandfather, or teacher. As uncomfortable as it may be, let yourself feel your longing. Longing opens your heart, and opening your heart is good for you. It is what will serve your life now.

> > I love my father still after all he did to me. I realize that if I pretend that I dont love him, I am closing off a piece of my heart. If I close off that place in my heart, nothing can get in there.
>
> Danielle


Input:
 Write a new section called "Shame and Guilt". In this section, explain that many survivors of childhood sexual abuse believe that the abuse was their fault and carry the shame and guilt of this. In this section:

* State that the sexual abuse was not the survivor's fault and explain that the older or more powerful person was responsible for their care and well-being.
* Provide a quote from a survivor named Kassie who struggled to understand that the abuse was not her fault.
* Explain that it can be easier for survivors to believe that they are at fault than to feel the helplessness of having been abused.
* Discuss some common reasons why survivors feel shame and guilt, such as not fighting back, having an orgasm during the abuse, or initiating an episode of the abuse.
* Address the issue of survivors who abused other children, either as a way of acting out what was happening to them or because they were forced to do so.
* Emphasize that experiencing pleasure or liking sex is not shameful and is the survivor's birthright.
* Encourage survivors to remedy their shame and guilt with regular doses of self-forgiveness and self-dignity.

Response:
##  Shame and Guilt

I have never met a survivor who did not believe, on some level, that the sexual abuse was her fault. I have never met a survivor who did not carry the shame and guilt of this.

The sexual abuse was not your fault. I could say this five times or five hundred times, and I would not have said it enough. The sexual abuse was not your fault. Even if you literally asked your abuser to touch you, the abuse was not your fault. The older or more powerful person was responsible for your care and well-being. Sexual abuse does not accomplish this.

> > Really getting it that the abuse was not my fault took a very long time. I had to
>  be ready to feel how truly helpless and powerless I was at the time of the abuse.
>  That I was vulnerable and dependent, and that I couldnt stop it.
>
>
> Kassie

Shame lives very deeply for survivors. Somehow it is easier to believe that you are at fault than to feel the utter helplessness of having been abused. It may seem unimaginable that someone you love would hurt you on purpose. "It must be my fault," you think, "or why else would they do that?"

Survivors have many different reasons for feeling that their shame and guilt is deserved. However, there are some common themes: Many survivors believe the abuse was their fault because they didnt fight back, or because they had an orgasm during the abuse, or because they initiated an episode of the abuse, or because they should have been smart or resourceful enough to stop it. Other survivors feel marked or dirty, ashamed to have been the chosen victim.

Some survivors abused other kids as a way of acting out what was happening to them. This carries an immense load of guilt and shame. While you do not have to punish yourself, you can take responsibility for your actions. Depending upon your situation, you may want to make amends, if that will support your healing and that of the other person.

Some children are forced to abuse other kids, as is often the case in ritual abuse. If you had your choice of playing with friends in the backyard, going to get ice cream, or sexually abusing another kid, which would you have chosen? Playing in the yard or getting ice cream. Kids are manipulated into abusing others. While you are accountable for your actions as an adult, children sexually abusing other children is a situation created by adults.

You may also feel shame about experiencing pleasure or liking sex. Many survivors do. If you like sex, then you must have liked the abuse, right? No way! Experiencing sexual pleasure is your birthright. Sexual pleasure is fine, good, and acceptable.

Remedy your shame and guilt with regular megadoses of self-forgiveness and self-dignity.


Input:
 Write a new section called "Being Witnessed in Your Emotions". In this section, explain the power of being witnessed in the midst of your emotions. In this section:

* Define what it means to be witnessed in your emotions and explain that it simply means having someone present with you as you feel your feelings.
* Emphasize that the person witnessing your emotions does not need to change or fix them, and that simply witnessing can help you learn that you are truly okay.
* Discuss the relief that survivors feel when someone finally expresses anger, grief, or longing in your survivors' workshops.
* Provide advice on how to ask for specific support from your witness or support person, including being held or ranting and raving uninterrupted for a certain amount of time.
* Address the importance of respecting your support person's needs and boundaries, and finding a support person who can go with you where you need to go.
* Provide a quote from a survivor named Jeanie who has learned to express her rage with her partner's support.
* Encourage survivors to ask for reassurance and check in with their support person as they are learning to express this depth of emotion.

Response:
#  Being Witnessed in Your Emotions

Being witnessed in the midst of your emotions is a powerful experience. Being witnessed means just having someone present with you as you feel your feelings. Your friend, lover, or support does not need to change or fix your feelings. She or he can simply witness witness. You can learn from others acceptance of your emotions that you are truly okay. In my survivors workshops, I notice that other survivors are relieved and happy when someone finally expresses anger, grief, or longing. Everyone seems to breathe a big sigh of relief.

You can ask for specific support from your witness or support person. You may want to be held or to rant and rave uninterrupted for twenty minutes. You can ask your support person take care of his or her own needs and boundaries. If the experience gets too intense, he or she can take a break.

Some people are comfortable with certain emotions and not with others. Your friend may be fine holding you when you cry, but freak out when you get really angry. Your emotions are not "too much" or "too intense." Expressing any degree of anger, loss, or shame in a safe way is just fine. Your partner may simply not have developed the capacity to hang with that depth of emotion. Let your partner take care of his or her needs and limitations. Find a support person who can go with you where you need to go.

> > My partner has learned over time. My rage used to scare him; now he is right with me as I kick the bed as hard as I can, yelling at my dad to get away from me.
>
> Jeanie

You may find yourself wanting to ask for reassurance. Go ahead and ask. Look at your partner. Let yourself see that someone is there. Ask, "Do you think this is bad?" "Am I hurting you?" "How is this for you?" You may need a reality check as you are learning to express this depth of emotion.


Input:
 Write a new section called "Sex Guide Exercises". In this section, provide exercises for survivors to practice emotional centering and sourcing, and explore their emotions connected to their sexual healing. In this section:

* Provide the first exercise, in which survivors practice their emotional centering and sourcing and reflect on how this practice changes how they move through their triggers and sexual healing.
* Provide the second exercise, in which survivors choose three different emotions connected to their sexual healing and explore each emotion. For each emotion, survivors should:
	+ Identify the body sensations that let them know they are feeling this emotion.
	+ Reflect on what it is like to be in their body and feel their sensations while having this emotion, including how much tolerance they have for this emotion.
	+ Review "The Five Stages of Emotions" and determine if they tend to get stuck in any particular stage, and if this is different for different emotions.
	+ Consider how they can feel and express this emotion, and practice completing it.

Response:
#  Sex Guide Exercises

> 1\. Practice your emotional centering and sourcing. How does this practice change how you move through your triggers and sexual healing?

> 2\. Choose three different emotions connected to your sexual healing (for example, guilt, anger, and grief). One by one, write about the following for each emotion:
>
>> a. What body sensations let me know that I am feeling this emotion?
>
>> b. What is it like to be in my body and feel my sensations while having this emotion? How much tolerance do I have for this emotion?
>
>> c. Review "The Five Stages of Emotions" in this chapter. Do you tend to get stuck in any particular stage? Is this different for different emotions?
>
>> d. How can I feel and express this emotion? How can I practice completing it?


Input:
 Write a new chapter called "S/M, Role-Playing, and Fantasy". In this chapter, discuss how sex can be complex and full of contradictions, and that desires may not always fit into societal norms. Emphasize that this can be especially true for survivors of sexual abuse. In this chapter:

* Explain that sex can be calm, aggressive, nurturing, and challenging at the same time.
* Introduce S/M, role-playing, and fantasies as tools that survivors can use to explore and express their sexuality in a safe and empowering way.

Response:
chapter thirteen

S/M, Role-Playing, and Fantasy

Sex is complex. Your desires may not be tidy or fit into a design that is reflected in the mainstream version of sex. For most people, and particularly for survivors, sex is full of contradictions. Sex can be calm, aggressive, nurturing, and challenging—all at the same time. S/M, role-playing, and fantasies are tools you can use to explore and express sexuality.


Input:
 Write a section titled "S/M 101: Consent, Power, Sensation". In this section, provide an overview of S/M and its practice. Discuss the misconceptions about S/M and the difference between its clinical definition and how it is used within the community. Explain that S/M can be a tool for sexual exploration, healing, and empowerment for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. In this section:

* Explain the ground rules of S/M, emphasizing consent, negotiation, and the use of safewords.
* Define the roles of 'top' and 'bottom' in S/M play.
* Discuss the potential elements of an S/M scene, including fantasy roles, bondage, pain, power play, and sensation play.
* Explain the concept of endorphins and their role in S/M play.
* Note that what might appear painful can be pleasurable in the right context due to the release of endorphins during sexual arousal.

Response:
#  S/M 101: Consent, Power, Sensation

S/M is short for sadomasochism, a term that has been used by the psychological establishment to label sadistic and masochistic behaviors. People who practice S/M, however, use this term as one of identification and empowerment. S/M refers to a sexual preference that can include power play, intense sensations, pain, bondage, and role-playing.

Most people associate S/M with images of black leather, bondage, spanking, and whipping. In the early 1990s, Madonnas photo book Sex made S/M chic. Since then, mainstream culture has adopted S/M imagery, exposing the general public to S/M as a sexual practice.

For S/M practitioners, including survivors of childhood sexual abuse, S/M can be a powerful, sensate arena for sexual exploration. Many practitioners talk about the safety of S/M, the power of negotiating sexual play, and the potential for sexual healing and self-empowerment through S/M.

The ground rules of S/M are the basically same as in vanilla sex (the term used by S/M practitioners for non-S/M sex). S/M is practiced between two or more consenting adults. The S/M community is very outspoken about consent. Before engaging in S/M play, the partners discuss their desires, interests, and limits to create a scene in which they can play erotically and safely. Negotiable items include who will participate, what will happen, where, when, and how. Who will be the top? Who the bottom? If you think of S/M as a willing exchange of power between consenting adults, the top is the person who is wielding power and directing the action. The bottom is surrendering power to the top within carefully negotiated parameters. Partners agree upon a "safeword," which is a code word used to call all activity to a halt, if so desired. Genital contact and orgasm may or may not be a part of an S/M scene.

A scene may include fantasy roles or characters, bondage, pain, and/or power play. Some players construct elaborate fantasies, with fully costumed characters. Maid and master, older woman and young man, nurse and patient, cop and motorist are common roles people play with. Its the strong power differential that sets up the dynamic. You can construct an S/M scene from any dynamic that turns you on. S/M play often involves bondage, blindfolding or other sensory control, and restrictions on movement, behavior, and speech. Sensation play can include whipping with soft deerskin floggers, over-the-knee spankings, caning and paddling, nipple play with clamps or clothespins, and playing with hot wax—to name a few.

S/M players tend to speak about intensity of sensation, rather than pain per se. As you become sexually aroused—whether in S/M or vanilla play—endorphins are released in the body, creating chemical changes. Your threshold for stimulation and pain increases with the production of endorphins. S/M plays with this phenomenon in a way that many people find enjoyable. What looks like it would hurt (and well might when you are not turned on) might be very pleasurable in the right context!


Input:
  Write a section titled "Exploring the Edges". In this section, address the criticisms and misconceptions about S/M and compare them to the arguments used against other marginalized sexual orientations. Emphasize that S/M can be a part of an empowered sex life. Include testimonials from survivors who find S/M erotic and empowering. In this section:

* Discuss the concept of 'emotional edge play' and its role in S/M.
* Include testimonials from survivors who have found empowerment and a sense of control through S/M.
* Discuss the concept of enacting rape scenes in a consensual and safe context.
* Include testimonials from survivors who have found these scenes cathartic and empowering.

Response:
#  Exploring the Edges

Some people will tell you S/M is abusive, perverted, or wrong—in short, a "bad" way to express your eroticism. Many of the arguments against people who eroticize power play are the same ones that are used against gays, lesbians, and bisexuals. And these same arguments have been used against women who have wanted to empower themselves sexually, and against sex itself.

If you enjoy topping, bottoming, power play, or other S/M eroticism, you are not alone. Many survivors find power play very erotic. Exploring the edges of your own limits and challenging your partners to find theirs can have its place in an empowered sex life.

> > The hottest sex I have is in S/M scenes. The taboo of our scenes and the places
>  I get to find in myself are amazing. I get to surrender as a bottom in a way I
>  have never surrendered.
>
>
> Rey
>
>> S/M is important to me. I dont want any more violence connected to sex, or any more people hurting kids or adults sexually. S/M is not that. I am turned on by power play, bondage, and whipping. These are very deep and intimate experiences with my partner. It is not about hurting either one of us...rather it is about expressing a very deep part of myself.
>
> Kassie

Many survivors play with shame, control, and punishment. This is a hot button for many of us; after all, shame and punishment were means of controlling us as children. You can construct a scene in which a top "threatens" a bottom with punishment for "misbehavior." In the S/M community, this is called "emotional edge play."

> > Being an S/M top is finally where I feel at home. I was reluctant to get into
>  S/M. I was afraid that I would hurt someone or take out my rage in the wrong
>  place. The opposite seems to be true. I feel closer to my partners, more caring,
>  and I feel more myself.
>
>
> Melanie

Enacting rape scenes in which you can be "taken" in some way is a popular S/M fantasy. Here you can play with the dynamic of being sexually overwhelmed (or taking control of your partner) in a consensual and safe context.

> > Rape scenes are very exciting for me. As I say "no," my partner teases me and talks about how much I want it. This is cathartic and makes all of the abuse stuff less threatening. It gives me more of a sense of control.
>
> Jenifer


Input:
Write a section titled "S/M and Survivors". In this section, discuss the impact of childhood sexual abuse on S/M play. Explain that some survivors consciously work with their history of abuse in their scenes, and discuss ways this can be done. Include testimonials from survivors who have found empowerment through reenacting abuse scenes and writing new endings for them.

Discuss the concept of age play in the S/M community, and explain how this can be intense for survivors. Provide advice for survivors who wish to engage in role-playing that resembles their abuse, such as preparing well, ensuring a good foundation of trust, and choosing a safeword. Emphasize that this type of S/M play is not a substitute for therapy or other forms of healing from abuse.

Include a statement about how the sex lives of survivors who prefer S/M can improve and their scenes become more satisfying as they heal from their abuse.

Response:
#  S/M and Survivors

The impact of childhood sexual abuse shows up in S/M play just as in any other kind of sex play. Some survivors who are into S/M consciously work with their history of abuse in their scenes. This can be done in a number of ways. You can explore sexual acts and positions in which you were abused. You may find it powerful to reenact abuse scenes and write new endings for them. By reentering the scenario in a safe place with a safe person, you can change your experience of the abuse.

> > I reenacted abuse scenes in S/M. This freaks some survivors out, but I got so
>  much power back out of it. I cried and worked through the way the abuse had
>  turned me on. I also saw how powerful I am now in comparison to how small
>  I was then. It brought me compassion for myself and a sense that he could
>  never get me again.
>
>
> Rebecca

Some S/M players explore age play, taking on teacher/student or other age-differentiated roles. Others combine age play with gender play; these are specific constructs which have a long history in the S/M community. These roles provide a context to play with the dynamics of nurturing, mentoring, control, and dependence.

This can be very intense for survivors. If you are going to engage in role-playing that in any way resembles your abuse, prepare yourself and your partner well for it. Make sure your partner is aware of the possible emotional triggers or release that this kind of scene may evoke for you. Be sure to choose a safeword that you will remember if triggered. I suggest that you and your partner establish a good foundation of trust before you engage in this type of scene.

While youll learn a lot about yourself, this type of S/M play is not a substitute for therapy or any other type of concentrated healing from your abuse. Some survivors use S/M as a tool to explore the impact of abuse in a very direct manner. Just as with survivors who prefer vanilla sex, survivors who like S/M find that their sex lives get better and their scenes more satisfying as they are embodied and healing from their abuse.


Input:
Write a section discussing the controversial nature of S/M, especially within communities of abuse survivors. Address the common concern that S/M players are "acting out" prior abuse, and provide your perspective on this issue.

Include testimonials from survivors who have struggled with S/M due to their abuse histories, and those who have found empowerment through S/M. Discuss the difference between surrender and abdication in the context of S/M.

Explain the key differences between S/M and sexual violence, emphasizing the importance of consent, negotiation, and safewords in S/M play. Address the idea that S/M explores an edge of human sexual expression, and how this can be beneficial.

Include a statement about the diverse experiences of survivors in S/M play, and how some feel they are "acting out" abuse, while others praise S/M for its healing potential. Discuss the argument that power dynamics are at play in all sexual relationships, and how S/M makes these dynamics overt and agreed upon.

Encourage readers to educate themselves further about S/M by reading books written by practitioners, regardless of their personal feelings towards S/M.

Response:
#  S/M as "Acting Out" Abuse

Within communities of abuse survivors, S/M is a controversial sexual practice and tends to stir up a lot of debate. Almost everyone has an opinion about S/M. Because it is a marginalized sexual practice, many people are uniformed about how S/M really works. They are concerned about combining sex with what looks like violence.

The most often debated question is whether S/M players are "acting out" prior abuse. My answer is both yes and no, depending. I have interviewed a number of survivors who practice S/M and have done somatic work with many more. At Good Vibrations, I talked with hundreds of customers about their S/M practices. I found that survivors can and do use S/M as a way to dissociate and to unsuccessfully process the abuse. Of course, survivors check out during vanilla sex, too, and use vanilla sex as a way to escape feelings. You can try to complete an unfinished trauma by unconsciously replaying it over and over again, in S/M or any other kind of sex.

> > I struggled in the S/M community. I did things that were extreme because I was used to extremes in sex. It was all I knew. I didnt know how to be in my body enough to have boundaries. I was used to having things done to me.
>
> Marty
>
>> There is a difference between surrender and abdication. I am not abdicating any of my capacity to make decisions for myself, but I am choosing to surrender.
>
> Aurora

Sexual energy in and of itself is neutral. You can have sex in a way that is creative and healing for you, or in a way that keeps you disembodied and at risk.

What is particularly intense for those observing S/M from the outside is seeing sexuality combined with something that looks much like violence. Sexual violence is all around us. We hear disturbing reports of molested children, battered and murdered women, and rape as a war tactic. Thankfully, many of us are working to end sexual violence. S/M, however, is not sexual violence. First, S/M is consensual sexual play between adults. Second, S/M practitioners negotiate their scenes as equal partners. Third, S/M players employ safewords to stop the play immediately when necessary. Choice and control remain intact in the S/M experience. The bottom is not really out of control, and the scene may look more intense from the outside than it actually is. Violence allows for neither choice nor control.

S/M does explore an edge of human sexual expression. In every practice, from business to therapy, there are folks who dare to play on the margins, taking risks, and exploring what new experiences may have to offer. Innovation usually happens in the margins and then makes its way to the mainstream. No matter what your position on S/M, what we can appreciate about edgy practices is that they challenge us to take our imaginations further out than what might make us comfortable.

Survivors have all kinds of experiences in S/M play. Some survivors may feel they are "acting out" abuse, and others praise S/M for being an arena in which they can heal their abuse and fully claim their sexuality.

Some people in the S/M community argue that power dynamics are at play in all sexual relationships. S/M makes these dynamics overt and agreed upon, instead of covert and nonconsensual.

> > If a survivor ever tells me that she doesnt have to deal with power and its relation to sex in her life, I think shes lying.
>
> Jenifer

Expressing your eroticism in a way that builds your self-esteem, helps you become more embodied, and encourages you have more pleasure in your life is the crux of any sexual choice. Whether you are attracted to S/M or upset by the idea, you can educate yourself further by reading books written by S/M practitioners. Youll find lots of resources in the back of the book.


Input:
Write a section discussing the concept of vanilla role-playing in sexual encounters for those who do not practice S/M. Explain how role-playing allows individuals to explore various characters and dynamics, limited only by their imagination.

Include examples of the different roles individuals may choose to play, such as gender swapping, exploring different sexual orientations, or embodying characters like a movie star, a vamp, a goddess, or a dominatrix. Emphasize the benefits of role-playing, such as becoming more flexible in one's sexual expression and pushing boundaries in a safe and consensual manner.

Include a testimonial from a person who has experienced the benefits of role-playing firsthand, demonstrating the emotional intimacy and excitement that can arise from trying new roles and dynamics.

Response:
#  Vanilla Role-Playing

Folks who do not practice S/M may still like to play erotically with roles and characters. The variety of characters is limited only by your imagination. Youll probably find that certain dynamics and characters stay with you over time. You may want to play with gender or sexual orientation. You can let a part of you out that you normally do not express fully. You can be a movie star, a vamp, a goddess, or a dominatrix. Role-playing can open up your possibilities, letting you become a lot more flexible in your sexual expression.

> > My lover and I like to dress up. Hell actually dress as the woman and I as the man. We trade and intensify the gender roles. It is a great turn-on and very intimate because we are both stretching our comfort zones.
>
> Halli


Input:
Write a section discussing the topic of fantasies in the context of sexual healing, particularly for survivors of sexual abuse. Explain the role of fantasies in exploring desires and how they can be used as a safe space to try out new sexual ideas before enacting them. Encourage readers to use their imagination and emphasize the benefits of flexible thinking in regards to fantasies and sex.

Include examples of fantasies, such as role-playing different scenarios or characters, and provide a testimonial from someone who has found pleasure in sharing their fantasies with their partner during sexual encounters.

Address common concerns survivors may have about their fantasies, particularly those that involve force, rape, incest, or sexual aggression. Reassure readers that there are no "right" or "wrong" fantasies, and that rather than labeling them, they should consider whether the fantasy affects them positively or negatively.

Provide guidance on how to approach fantasies in a healthy way, such as using them as a way to be more present and embodied during sexual encounters, rather than using them to dissociate or avoid being present. Encourage readers to have multiple fantasies and not to become stuck in one replayed fantasy.

Include a testimonial from a survivor who has found that their fantasies have helped them work through abuse dynamics and reclaim their power.

Response:
#  Fantasy

Fantasies are fertile ground for exploring your desires. Heres a way to heat up your sex life. You can use your imagination to try out a new sexual idea before you enact it. You can delight in new lovers, make love in risky places, or take on a new sexual role—all in the privacy of your own mind. The more flexible your thinking and fantasizing about sex, the better your sex life will be.

> > One of my favorite things to do is to tell my lover a fantasy while we are making love. It is yummy. I put us both into the fantasy, talking us through hot sex scenes and erotic terrain. Sometimes Ill make him a prince from a neighboring kingdom and me the princess heir to the throne. One time I turned him into a frog. That made us laugh.
>
> Jeanie

I have found that survivors often feel ashamed about fantasies that involve force, rape, incest, or sexual aggression of any kind. Somehow we got the idea that our fantasies are supposed to be filled with flowers and soft music. Lots of survivors fantasize about rape and other scenarios that include some form of power exchange. Some rape fantasies are violent, others romanticized. Some survivors get years of pleasure from these fantasies, while others are disturbed by them.

No fantasy is inherently "bad." There are no "right" or "wrong" fantasies. Instead of labeling your fantasy, consider whether it affects you positively or negatively.

> Invent a Fantasy
>
> Invent a fantasy right now. Go with whatever comes to mind that feels erotic to you. Where does your fantasy take place? What is the environment like? Who are the characters in your fantasy? Notice the sensations in your body as your story unfolds. What are you doing? What is the buildup? What kind of sex do you have? What about this fantasy turns you on?

I have only two concerns about fantasies. First, do you check out when you have the fantasy? Dont use fantasies to avoid being present with yourself or your partner. You dont want to practice being disembodied or dissociated when you are sexual. In fact, rather than a way to get out of a sexual encounter, fantasies can be a different way to be present and embodied. Being embodied can make your fantasy life all the richer.

My second concern is that you have more than one fantasy in your repertoire. Do you have only one fantasy? Is that fantasy the only way you can get off? Although such a fantasy often will closely resemble the dynamics of the abuse, the content is of less concern to me than the fact of being stuck in one fantasy that is replayed over and over. Part of healing is allowing more flexibility in your thinking and more freedom in your choices. Treat an intrusive fantasy that disturbs you as you would a trigger. Use the tools in chapter ll for help.

Of course, survivors do use fantasies to work through abuse dynamics and memories. I have found that survivors are amazingly creative with this type of sexual fantasy.

> > I have this long-standing jail fantasy. There is a man behind bars and I go up
>  to the bars and make him suck my dick. (I dont have a dick in real life, but in
>  my fantasies I do.) He likes it, but I have the control. I dont let him stop until
>  I want him to. I get off and leave him there. I think this fantasy has helped me
>  get a lot of my power back from my brother and his abuse.
>
>
> Marie


Input:
 Write a section containing exercises related to learning about and exploring various aspects of sexual expression, specifically Sadomasochism (S/M), role-playing, and fantasies. The exercises should encourage readers to reflect on their interests and desires, as well as to expand their knowledge and comfort level with these topics.

Provide specific prompts for each exercise, such as:

1. Encouraging readers to identify what they would like to learn about S/M, role-playing, and fantasies.
2. Suggesting that those who are interested in S/M brainstorm a list of activities, roles, or scenes they would be interested in exploring.
3. Encouraging those who are interested in role-playing to create a list of characters they would find erotic or intriguing to play with.

Response:
#  Sex Guide Exercises

> 1\. What would you like to learn about S/M, role-playing, and fantasies?

> 2\. If you are interested in S/M, brainstorm a list of activities, roles, or scenes you would be interested in.

> 3\. If you are interested in role-playing, create a list of characters you would find erotic or intriguing to play with.


Input:
 Write a chapter titled "Sex Toys and Accoutrements" for a nonfiction book aimed at guiding survivors of sexual abuse in leading fulfilling sex lives. In this chapter, discuss the benefits and uses of sex toys, including how they can add a new dimension to one's sex life and potentially aid in orgasm. Address any potential misconceptions or stigmas surrounding sex toys, and provide historical context to show that they have been used cross-culturally for centuries.

Explain how the atmosphere in adult novelty stores may be uncomfortable for some, and highlight the growing number of women-run sex stores that offer a supportive, sex-positive environment. Provide examples of cities where these stores can be found, and mention specific companies that design and produce high-quality sex toys, such as Vixen Creations and Stormy Leather. Conclude by emphasizing that this is a great time to be interested in sex toys, as more options are available and many are designed and produced by women.

Response:
chapter fourteen

Sex Toys and Accoutrements

There are lots of ways to play sexually and lots of toys to play with. Sex toys can add a new dimension to your sex life. Sex toys can allow you to be in more places at once, or even add anatomy that you do not normally have! Many women prefer to orgasm with vibrators, too.

> > The first time I put on a dildo and harness I found it so empowering. It was like "Look! I have this and both hands!" I also got that guys must feel vulnerable walking around with their genitals hanging on the outside.
>
> Stephanie

You may have gotten the idea that sex toys are weird or perverted. Who knew that they have been used cross-culturally for centuries? Sex toys offer just another set of possibilities for your sexual pleasure.

Until recently, you most likely bought your sex toys at a porn shop or adult novelty store that catered primarily to men. While some folks like the explicitly sexual aura of these stores, others find the atmosphere very uncomfortable. Some men patronizing these shops can be surprised to see women shopping there.

Luckily, more women-run sex stores are opening in the United States, Canada, and Europe. Most of these stores offer sex-positive sex information right alongside quality toys and books on sex. You can find supportive, sex-positive sex toy stores in London, New York, Boston, Northampton, Toronto, Madison, Austin, San Francisco, Berkeley, Seattle, Vancouver and other cities. I have listed a number of these shops in the Resources section, as well as mail-order companies. You do not have to live in a large urban center to have access to quality sex toys and information.

Truly, this is a great time to be interested in sex toys. More quality toys are available, many of them designed and produced by women. Vixen Creations, a woman-owned company based in San Francisco, has become one of the largest producers of high-quality silicone dildos and butt plugs. Stormy Leather, another woman-owned company in San Francisco, specializes in leather dildo harnesses, erotic clothing, and S/M paraphernalia. Of course, Good Vibrations, the original "clean well-lighted place to buy sex toys," is still serving men and women with great success in San Francisco and Berkeley, as well as on the Web.


Input:
 Write a section for the chapter "Sex Toys and Accoutrements" discussing the history and original purpose of vibrators. Explain that vibrators were initially used by the medical profession to cure "female troubles" or "hysteria" through causing "hysterical paroxysm" or orgasm in women. Describe the development of vibrators from steam-powered massagers in the late 1800s to numerous vibrating massagers available to physicians by the early 1900s.

Mention that vibrators were seen as a cure for numerous ailments in both men and women and were even sold as home appliances for pleasure and health until the end of the 1920s. Explain that the use of vibrators for medical purposes declined with their appearance in porn films in the late 1920s and that they were not advertised for their sexual uses until the 1970s. Finally, note that many vibrators are still sold as back massagers with no reference to their erotic uses.

Response:
#  Vibrators

Vibrators were initially used by the medical profession to cure "female troubles," also called "hysteria" and considered to be a disturbance of the womb. Doctors used the vibrator to assist in medical massages aimed at causing "hysterical paroxysm" or orgasm in women. Hmmmmm.

The late 1800s produced a steam power massager, and by the early 1900s, numerous vibrating massagers were available to physicians along with textbooks on vibratory massage techniques. By this time, vibrators were seen as a cure for numerous ailments in both men and women. Until the end of the 1920s, vibrators could be purchased as home appliances for pleasure and health. The use of the massager for medical purposes declined with its appearance in porn films in the late 1920s. From then until the 1970s, vibrators were not advertised for their sexual uses. Many are still sold as back massagers, with no reference to their erotic uses.


Input:
 Write a section for the chapter "Sex Toys and Accoutrements" discussing the differences between battery-operated and electric vibrators. Explain the advantages and disadvantages of battery-operated vibrators, such as their smaller size, weaker vibrations, shorter lifespan, and portability. Discuss the two types of electric or plug-in vibrators: coil operated and motor driven, and describe their differences in size, noise level, vibration strength, and quality.

Mention any potential issues with using electric vibrators, such as the cord getting in the way, and provide solutions such as using an extension cord. Explain the concept of rechargeable electric vibrators and their charging times and durations. Finally, note that some well-known brands of vibrators, like Oster, Sunbeam, and Hitachi, can be found in both higher-quality sex stores and general department stores, packaged as massagers.

Response:
##  Battery-Operated and Electric Vibrators

You can choose from electric and battery-operated vibrators. Battery-operated vibrators tend to be smaller and shaped like a long cucumber. The vibration of battery-operated devices tend to be weaker, and the quality of the products is not quite as reliable. Theyre great when you do not have an electrical outlet handy. Battery-operated vibrators will last anywhere from one to nine months, depending upon use.

Electric vibrators, on the other hand, are higher-quality devices and can last for years. There are two types of electric or plug-in vibrators: coil operated and motor driven. Coil-operated vibrators tend to be smaller and a bit quieter, with a subtler vibration than that of the motor-run models. Motor-run vibrators are good for folks who like more stimulation. The vibration is stronger and the device a bit larger.

ILLUSTRATION 5. Vibrators

Some folks complain that the cord gets in the way when using an electric vibrator. If you invest in an electric vibrator, buy an extension cord as well. This gives you more room for movement, and you do not have to have sex right next to the wall socket.

There are now rechargeable electric vibrators. Depending on the model, these vibrators will hold their charge from thirty minutes to a few hours. You then need to plug them in again for two to six hours to recharge them.

You may recognize some of the brand names of vibrators from your kitchen appliances. Oster, Sunbeam, and Hitachi make high-quality vibrators. They are packaged as massagers and can be found in higher-quality sex stores as well as general department stores.


Input:
 Write a section for the chapter "Sex Toys and Accoutrements" discussing the various attachments available for electric vibrators. Explain how these attachments are generally soft, pliable, and fit over the head of motor-driven vibrators or on the attachment stem of coil-operated vibrators. Describe the different types of attachments such as the clittickler, G-SPOTTER, and come cup, and their intended uses.

Mention that the nerves within the vaginal passage respond more to movement and pressure than to vibration, and that not all women may find vibrators to be a big "wow" vaginally. Remind users that the lower third of the vagina tends to be the most responsive to vibration and that quite a bit of pressure is needed to stimulate the G-spot, with most attachments being too soft for this purpose.

Advise readers that the anus is well-suited to enjoying vibration, but caution that if they are using an attachment for anal stimulation, it must have a flanged base to prevent the toy from accidentally slipping into the anal canal. Suggest a better option for anal vibration: inserting a dildo, butt plug, or fingers into the rectum and pressing a vibrator into the base of the toy or the palm of the hand to transmit the vibration through the toy or hand.

Response:
##  Vibrator Attachments

Various attachments are available for electric vibrators. They are generally soft and pliable and fit over the head of the motor-driven vibrators and on the attachment stem of coil-operated vibrators. Some of the attachments are designed to focus the vibration on a smaller spot (the clittickler), for penetration (the G-SPOTTER), or for stimulating the head of the penis (the come cup). The attachments can add versatility to the toy.

A few opinions about these attachments: The nerves within the vaginal passage respond more to movement and pressure than to vibration. While some women like to use vibrators vaginally, do not be disappointed if this is not a big "wow" for you. If you use a vibrator vaginally, keep in mind that the lower third of the vagina tends to be the most responsive to vibration. Also, quite a bit of pressure is needed to stimulate the G-spot, and most attachments are too soft for G-spot stimulation.

Your anus is well suited to enjoying vibration. But if you are using an attachment for anal stimulation, make sure it has a flanged base. That is, the base must be wider than the end being inserted; this prevents the toy from accidentally slipping into the anal canal. Unlike the vagina, which is a closed system, the anal canal leads directly into the large intestine and into your body. A better bet for anal vibration is to insert a dildo, butt plug, or fingers into the rectum and press a vibrator into the base of the toy or the palm of your hand. The vibration will then be transmitted through the toy or your hand.


Input:
 Write a section for the chapter "Sex Toys and Accoutrements" discussing the use of dildos and harnesses. Explain the different materials that dildos are made of, such as silicone and plastic, and the benefits and drawbacks of each material. Mention that dildos come in various sizes, shapes, and textures, including penises, goddess figurines, dolphins, and nondescript shapes of various lengths and thicknesses.

Discuss the reasons why someone might choose to use a dildo, such as the ability to control size, the option to be filled up both anally and vaginally at the same time, and the ability to penetrate one's partners.

Explain the different types of harnesses available for securing dildos, including hip harnesses and thigh harnesses. Describe the two main hip harness designs: one with a center strap that runs between the legs like a G-string, and the other with two straps that ride around the outside of each buttock and hip like a jock-strap. Mention that certain harnesses accommodate dildos with balls better than others, and that harnesses with a piece of leather or cloth behind the base of the dildo are more comfortable for the harness wearer.

Include an illustration of dildos and harnesses to accompany the text.

Response:
#  Dildos and Harnesses

Dildos are sex toys designed for penetration and are used by both men and women for sexual pleasure. You can use them vaginally or anally or both. Most dildos are made of silicone or plastic materials, and they come in various sizes and shapes, including penises, goddess figurines, dolphins, and nondescript shapes of various lengths and thicknesses.

Silicone dildos are of much higher quality than their plastic counterparts. Silicone is a nonporous material, so dirt and bacteria cannot work their way into your dildo. You can sterilize silicone dildos by boiling them for up to five minutes. Silicone is easy to warm before use by placing it in a hot bowl of water or running it under warm tap water. It will also absorb your bodys heat with use. Silicone tends to have a smoother texture and to slide more easily, although you will still need to use a water-based lubricant, as with all dildos. As long as you keep sharp objects away from your silicone dildo (including the teeth and claws of curious dogs and cats!), it will last a long time. If the seal of the surface is cut or broken, silicone will crumble.

The benefits of plastic dildos lie primarily in price; for the most part, they are less expensive than silicone. Plastic dildos also tend to be available in larger models, for you size queens! The plastic materials are porous and can get dirty quickly. I recommend using condoms over plastic dildos even when using them with yourself. Youll have a much better chance of keeping them clean longer. Plastic dildos come in various textures and looks; the most "realistic" styles, those resembling a penis with balls, are made of this material.

So, why use dildos? Some women like the feel of a dildo better than a hand or penis. Some use dildos so they can be filled up both anally and vaginally at the same time. Dildos can be used when masturbating or when your partner is tired. You can pick the dildo of the exact size that fits you, which you cant do with your partners hand or penis. You may want to be penetrated with something much larger (or smaller) than what nature can provide. Finally, with a dildo, you, too, can be endowed with the anatomy to penetrate your partners, whether you are sexual with men or with women.

Dildos can be used by hand or secured with a harness. Most harnesses are designed to wear around your hips, through a newer thigh harness is growing in popularity. Most harnesses are made of leather which tends to be soft on the skin, secure, and durable. Harnesses are also available in a neoprene and webbing design, for folks who do not like leather. These are less expensive, too.

ILLUSTRATION 6. Dildos and Harnesses

The two main hip harness designs are distinguished by the number of straps holding them to your body. One style has a center strap that runs between your legs, like a G-string. This model can give the harness wearer clitoral stimulation. The second style has two straps that ride around the outside of each buttock and hip, like a jock-strap. These harnesses provide easier access to the genitals of the wearer.

Certain harnesses accommodate dildos with balls better than others. These have two straps that slide freely around the center ring used to secure the dildo, allowing you to arrange the straps around the balls on the dildo. This style of harness best accommodates men, allowing room for the penis to be tucked to the side comfortably. A man may strap one on if he has an erectile dysfunction, if he wants to keep playing after having come, if his partner wants to go longer than he can last, or for variety in width and length.

Harnesses with a piece of leather or cloth behind the base of the dildo are more comfortable for the harness wearer. The dildo does not end up pulling on your pubic hairs.

There are also thigh harnesses that you strap around your leg. Most often these are made of leather with wide bands of Velcro used to secure the harness. Thigh harnesses gives you new variety in positions and let you use the strength of your leg in penetration instead of your hips. You and your partner can each wear a thigh harness for simultaneous penetration. They can be used for vaginal and anal penetration.


Input:
 Write a section for the chapter "Sex Toys and Accoutrements" discussing the use of anal toys. Begin by explaining the two most important rules when using toys for anal play: use lubrication and select a toy with a wide flanged base that will prevent it from sliding up inside of you or your partner.

Describe the various types of anal toys available, including butt plugs, dildos, anal vibrators, and anal beads. Explain the function and design of each type of toy. For example, mention that butt plugs are wide in the middle and thinner at the end, with a wide base that prevents them from slipping in. The idea is that the sphincter muscles can close around the plug, securing it in place. You can leave a plug in as you enjoy a variety of sexual activities. Placing a vibrator on the base of a butt plug can transmit vibrations into your rectum. This can feel great for many folks.

Explain that dildos are great for anal penetration and the importance of choosing the length and width that will be most enjoyable for you. Unlike a butt plug, a dildo will not stay secured in the anus without pressure. Dildos can be used by hand or with a harness. If you have not played much anally, start small so that you can experiment and learn how to relax your sphincter muscles. A good way to judge the desired width of an anal toy is to see how many fingers feel comfortable for you and use that as your guide.

Mention that vibrators designed for anal use stimulate the very sensitive nerve endings in the anus, and that they can vibrate or twist and turn. Emphasize the importance of choosing a quality toy for anal vibration, with plenty of material covering the internal moving parts.

Describe anal beads as a string of beads with a round hook or handle of some kind on one end. The beads are made of hard plastic or silicone, and come in a variety of sizes. Explain that cheaper ones may have rough edges; use a nail file to smooth down any roughness that may injure your anal tissues. Many women and men sing the praises of anal beads, inserting them one at a time and then pulling them out during orgasm.

Include an illustration of anal toys to accompany the text.

Response:
#  Anal Toys

There are two rules when using toys for anal play; use lubrication and select a toy with a wide flanged base that will prevent it from sliding up inside of you or your partner.

Anal toys come in all shapes and sizes and in a variety of materials. There are butt plugs, dildos, anal vibrators, and anal beads. Butt plugs are wide in the middle and thinner at the end (of course, the base is wide enough to prevent the plug from slipping in). The idea is that the sphincter muscles can close around the plug, securing it in place. You can leave a plug in as you enjoy a variety of sexual activities. Placing a vibrator on the base of a butt plug can transmit vibrations into your rectum. This can feel great for many folks. Butt plugs are not designed for thrusting in and out of the anus; dildos are better for that.

Dildos are great for anal penetration. The idea is to choose the length and width that will be most enjoyable for you. Unlike a butt plug, a dildo will not stay secured in the anus without pressure. Dildos can be used by hand or with a harness. If you have not played much anally, start small so that you can experiment and learn how to relax your sphincter muscles. A good way to judge the desired width of an anal toy is to see how many fingers feel comfortable for you and use that as your guide.

Vibrators that are designed for anal use stimulate the very sensitive nerve endings in the anus. They can vibrate or twist and turn. Make sure you choose a quality toy for anal vibration, with plenty of material covering the internal moving parts. Some toys marketed for anal play are too shoddy to use safely.

Anal beads are pretty much what they sound like: a string of beads with a round hook or handle of some kind on one end. The beads are made of hard plastic or silicone, and come in a variety of sizes. Cheaper ones may have rough edges; use a nail file to smooth down any roughness that may injure your anal tissues. Many women and men sing the praises of anal beads, inserting them one at a time and then pulling them out during orgasm.

ILLUSTRATION 7. Anal Toys


Input:
 Write a section for the chapter "Sex Toys and Accoutrements" discussing the use of lubricants. Begin by explaining that water-based lubricants should be used with all toys to enhance sexual pleasure. Emphasize the importance of using lubricants with anal toys, as they are a must for safe and comfortable anal play.

Mention that some people prefer oil-based lubricants for anal play, as they don't evaporate with use. However, also note that oils can break down latex, so oil-based lubricants should not be used with latex condoms or gloves. Additionally, warn against getting oils in or near the vagina, as they can be difficult for the natural cleansing mechanisms of the vagina to break down and may cause an infection.

Explain that water-based lubricants can be rehydrated by adding water as you play. Suggest placing some water or a spritzer bottle near your play space to make this easy.

Include a testimonial from a person who has had a positive experience with lubricants. This person should express how lubricants have helped them overcome issues with dryness or discomfort during sex, and how they no longer feel flawed or broken as a result.

Response:
#  Lubricants

Use a water-based lubricant with all of your toys. Lubricants will make sex play with dildos more pleasurable, and with anal toys they are a must. Some people prefer oil-based lubricants for anal play, because they dont evaporate with use. Remember that oils break down latex, so you should not use oil-based lubricants with latex condoms or gloves. Also, avoid getting oils in or near the vagina. Oils are hard for the natural cleansing mechanisms of the vagina to break down and may cause an infection. You can rehydrate water-based lubricants by adding water as you play. Placing some water or a spritzer bottle near your play space makes this easy.

> > Lubricants saved my sex life. I thought I was damaged and broken because I never got very wet. I guess I just dont make a lot of juice. Lube is easy and works, and I dont feel like I am flawed.
>
> Daren


Input:
 Write a section for the chapter "Sexual Aids and Accessories" discussing the use of love potions. Begin by acknowledging that there are many love potions on the market, making various claims such as enhancing sexual prowess and increasing endurance. Explain that these claims are mostly marketing strategies, but that some love potions can be enjoyable and fun to use.

Distinguish between edible and non-edible love potions. Describe edible love potions as those that are intended to be rubbed onto your partner's body and then licked or eaten off. Mention that they come in various flavors, such as hot and spicy, fruit treats, and tubs of chocolate potions. Recommend choosing edible love potions with more natural ingredients for better flavor.

Describe non-edible love potions as those that are made to cause sensations, such as heat or tingling. Mention a specific example, like Kama Sutra's balm that has a slight, short-term numbing effect. Explain that this can be useful for people with very sensitive body parts.

Finally, suggest making your own love potions by adding scents and flavors to massage oil. Provide examples of edible spreads that can be used, such as fruits, chocolate, whipped cream, and honey.

Response:
##  Love Potions

There are lots of love potions on the market. Some claim they will enhance your sexual prowess, others that they will make you "last" longer. Mostly these are marketing strategies to interest you in the product. The biggest distinction is between those love potions that are edible and those that are not. The edible love potions will say so on the label; they are intended to be rubbed onto your partners body and then licked or eaten off. Youll find hot and spicy flavors, fruit treats, and tubs of chocolate potions. Those that include more natural ingredients (i.e., have ingredients with words you can recognize) tend to be the most flavorful.

A number of love potions are made to cause sensations: they may be hot to the skin or heat up with rubbing. Kama Sutra makes a balm that has a slight, short-term numbing effect. This can be useful for people with very sensitive nipples.

You can make your own potions by adding scents and flavors to massage oil. You can play with edible spreads—from fruits to chocolate, from whipped cream to honey.


Input:
 Write a section for the chapter "Sexual Aids and Accessories" discussing the use of S/M and bondage toys. Begin by listing some examples of these toys, including body harnesses, restraints, whips, canes, blindfolds, gags, collars, and erotic clothing. Mention that many of these toys are made of leather, latex, or PVC.

Explain the importance of educating oneself about S/M practices and toys, as S/M can involve physical intensity and pain. Emphasize the need for skill and safety when using S/M toys. Provide examples of resources for learning about S/M, such as workshops, organizations, and books.

Describe in detail the various types of S/M toys, discussing their intensity levels and sensations. For example, discuss nipple clamps, mentioning the differences between adjustable and nonadjustable clamps, and explaining that the most intense sensation comes when the nipple clamps are removed.

Do the same for whips, explaining the different styles, materials, and sensations they create. Emphasize the importance of safety when using whips, suggesting practicing on a pillow before using them on a partner.

Discuss bondage, explaining the importance of using proper bondage devices. Warn against using household items such as silk scarves and nylons for bondage, as they can tighten when pulled and cause harm. Recommend using cloth or leather restraints made specifically for bondage.

Provide tips for safe bondage play, such as keeping scissors near the bed for cutting off any bondage gone awry. Encourage the reader to seek advice from educated staff at quality S/M retailers and mail-order operations.

Response:
#  S/M and Bondage Toys

S/M and bondage toys include body harnesses, restraints, whips, canes, blindfolds, gags, collars, and erotic clothing—to name but a few. Much S/M and bondage gear is made of leather, latex, or PVC, which is a shiny vinyl. Some folks like to dress up in S/M fetish gear, even though they are not S/M practitioners.

If you are interested in this type of sexual expression, educate yourself. Because S/M can involve physical intensity and pain, it is important that you be skilled in what you are doing with S/M toys. Whips, ropes, and other toys can do harm in the hands of an uninformed player. It is up to you to learn how to play safely. Most S/M organizations offer workshops on basic safety, and books like The Bottoming Book and The Topping Book offer friendly instruction. See the Resources for more information.

When selecting S/M gear, be aware of the intensity of sensation your new toy will produce. If you are interested in nipple clamps, for example, the tweezer and alligator clips are adjustable and will give you some control over the intensity of the sensation. The tweezer style accommodates larger nipples. Marquis dClips and clothespins are nonadjustable; they provide much more intense sensation. The most intense sensation comes when the nipple clamps are removed.

Lets use whips as another example. There are various styles of whips with different names, made of leather, deer skin, rubber, and other materials, each creating a different sensation. Floggers are shorter whips made of many strands. Often they are crafted from fine leathers and feature thick, weighty strands. Most floggers create a heavy, deep sensation, while a long, thin whip will create a stinging sensation. A suede whip will give more of a thud that spreads sensation at first; it will give more sting as it collects body oils. A whip made of plastic will sting no matter what.

When learning how to use whips and other percussive S/M toys, practice on a pillow before you play with a partner. Learn how to aim the toy and how to produce the sensations you want. It is essential that you learn how to wield your new toy safely. Aim for the fleshy and muscled parts of the body—like the buttocks and upper back—and always steer clear of bones and internal organs.

Many folks play with bondage, whether or not they are into S/M. If you want to tie up your partner, youll probably start by looking at household items. Some of the accoutrements you might find at home are dangerous choices for toys, however. Silk scarves and nylons are poor bondage devices because they can tighten when pulled, cutting off circulation or damaging the tissues. Bondage devices should be sturdy and comfortable to the wearer and not tighten with pressure and pulling. Your best bets are cloth or leather restraints made for the purpose. Remember to keep a pair of scissors near the bed for cutting off any bondage gone awry.

Most quality S/M retailers and mail-order operations employ educated staff who will be happy to answer your questions. If you do not feel comfortable with the services of one company, find another. There are numerous places to purchase S/M and bondage toys (see Resources).

ILLUSTRATION 8. S/M and Bondage Toys


Input:
 Write a section for the chapter "Toy Care and Safety" discussing the importance of safe sex and cleaning when using sex toys. Begin by emphasizing the importance of using condoms or other barriers on sex toys to prevent infections and STDs, especially if the toys are to be shared.

Provide detailed instructions on how to use condoms on various types of toys, such as dildos, butt plugs, and vibrators. Mention the need to stretch the condom over the base of the toy to prevent it from slipping off, especially with anal toys.

Explain the importance of cleaning toys between uses, suggesting various methods such as using an antibacterial soap or a 30 percent hydrogen peroxide/water mix. Provide detailed instructions on how to clean different types of toys, such as vibrators, silicone toys, and leather harnesses and restraints.

Emphasize the importance of storing sex toys in a clean, dry place. Suggest keeping dildos and plugs in separate baggies to prevent dust and fuzzies from accumulating. Remind the reader to keep their storage place animal-proof to prevent pets from damaging the toys.

Response:
#  Toys, Safer Sex, and Cleaning

To prevent infections and STDs, use condoms or other barriers on your sex toys—especially if you are going to share them. If you do not want to use barriers, do not share your toys. Wash them carefully after each use.

Condoms can be used on dildos, butt plugs, and vibrators. You can even stretch them over the large head of an electric vibrator. If you use latex on your anal toys, be sure to stretch the condom over the base of the toy so that it does not slip off up the anal canal. And if you are using plastic (not silicone) dildos and anal toys, use a condom every time you use the toy, even if you are masturbating. Plastic material is porous and absorbs dirt.

Clean your toys between uses with an antibacterial soap or a 30 percent hydrogen peroxide/water mix. You can wipe down the surface of your vibrators or other battery-operated or electric toys with alcohol or hydrogen peroxide. Test a small area first to see if the plastic material will react to the alcohol. Silicone toys can be disinfected by boiling for up to five minutes.

You can wash your leather harness and restraints with soap and water and hang them to dry. Whips and other leather goods can be wiped down with a hydrogen peroxide and water mixture and hung to dry.

Keep your sex toys in a clean, dry place. You may want to keep your dildos and plugs in separate baggies. Plastic and silicone can attract fuzzies and dust balls. Also, be sure your storage place is animal-proof. Dogs and cats seem to love gnawing on your favorite toys!


Input:
 Write a section for the chapter "Erotic Books and Videos" discussing the wide variety of erotic materials available to women and their potential benefits. Begin by highlighting the increasing availability of erotic books and videos created by women, including anthologies and specialized collections such as Herotica.

Mention the different types of erotica available, from soft erotica with subtle suggestions of sex to explicit representations of various sexual activities, including S/M, exhibitionism, and voyeurism. Emphasize the importance of finding erotica that resonates with the reader's own cultural background and experiences.

Discuss the possibility of enjoying erotic materials that feature different sexual orientations than the reader's preference. Encourage readers to explore their desires, even if they seem to contradict their values or political beliefs.

Mention the documentary "Erotica: A Journey into Women's Sexuality" as an example of women exploring their own sexual transformations and self-defined sexuality. Address the criticisms of pornography and the potential issues surrounding consent for survivors of sexual abuse working in the pornography and sex industry.

Conclude by emphasizing the importance of economic choice in empowered consent and encouraging readers to explore different types of erotica to find what they like. Suggest resources such as the Good Vibrations Sexuality Library catalog to help readers discover a wide selection of erotic videos with various ratings.

Response:
#  Erotic Books and Videos

We now have shelves and shelves of erotic books by women. Youll find anthologies like Herotica reviewed in the mainstream press and sold widely in bookstores. Youll still find the best selection of womens erotica at specialty stores—the same stores that sell quality sex toys designed for women. Erotic books and videos can offer ideas of what is possible sexually, give you fodder for fantasy, show you what you dont like, and turn you on. You can find soft erotica with subtle suggestions of sex or explicit get-down-to-it representations of sex, S/M, exhibitionism, and voyeurism. Youll find erotica intended for culturally diverse audiences—such as Erotic Noire, a collection of African and African American erotica, The Oy of Sex, a collection of Jewish womens erotica, Pleasure in the Word, a collection of Latin American womens erotica, and Best Lesbian Erotica, the annual series of lesbian and bisexual womens erotica. You can even find erotic comics, like those by Michael Manning.

You may like erotic books and videos that show a different sexual orientation than your preference. As a lesbian, you may like heterosexual or gay male erotica; as a heterosexual, you may like lesbian erotica. Fantasies and turn-ons often differ from how you choose to express yourself sexually.

As you begin to explore your sexuality more deeply, desires may emerge that contradict your values or political beliefs. You may get turned on by the idea of being taken or taking someone else sexually. These contradictions exist in all of us. Talk to people about them. Explore them. Dont discard them into the "bad" category—be curious about them. What do you have to discover about yourself and your sexuality by looking at these desires?

Erotica: A Journey into Womens Sexuality is an independently produced documentary that looks at the contributions of women whose artistic creations center around sex. I find many things about the film powerful. Each of the women talks about her own sexual transformation and how she evolved her self-defined sexuality and sexual expression. Candida Royalle, who writes and produces pornography, said that her work in this industry called her to look deeply at her own sexuality, the damage done to womens sexuality by our culture, and the possibility of personal healing. Annie Sprinkle shares a very poignant story about attacks on her sexually explicit performance art. One Australian radio announcer, playing tapes of speeches by Hitler, said he knew what to do with women like Annie Sprinkle, who is Jewish. This level of attack is profound. What did he find so threatening in Annie Sprinkles representations of womens sexuality? Other women in the film speak of carving out a place for their own sexual empowerment in a society that offers little room for womens sexuality.

Many people critique pornography for its male view of sex and sexuality, and for not portraying women as viable and self-defined sexual beings. Studies also show that a high percentage of survivors of childhood sexual abuse and adult sexual assault work in the pornography and sex industry. This then begs the question of consent. If a survivor is not healing, she may still believe that the only thing about her of worth is her sexuality. Her tolerance of being used or abused sexually may be high, and there may be real poverty and oppression keeping her in the sex industry. These factors do not make for empowered consent.

> > I started dancing because sex was what I knew. I knew how to be sexual with men, how to have some control that way. I started stripping as soon as I turned eighteen. That grew into prostitution, mostly with men about my dads age. It all seemed very familiar, too familiar.
>
> Jody

Many women work in the sex industry by choice, however, and do feel empowered to consent. They see womens sexual empowerment as a key to changing and healing society at large. Women in this position for the most part have the economic options to choose whether to be in the sex industry. Economic choice is a fundamental part of empowered consent.

> > I chose to do sex work for a while. I know it doesnt work for some women, but it was great for me. I felt like I controlled the situation. I got to choose what I do with my sex. Plus, I like sex and think it can be healing and powerful.
>
> C.B.

You may or may not like pornography. You may find yourself compelled and turned off at the same time. Lots of women shy away from porn because they dont know what they will like. To get an idea of whats available, ask Good Vibrations for their Sexuality Library catalog, which they will send you free upon request. This catalog features a wide selection of videos, with ratings for woman-oriented content, lesbian content, safer sex, inclusion of people of color, chemistry between partners, and quality filmmaking.


Input:
 Write a section for the chapter "Phone Sex" discussing the potential of the telephone as a sex toy and the benefits of having sex over the telephone. Explain how phone sex can be just as powerful and erotic as in-person sex, and how it can help people practice their erotic talk. Share a personal anecdote from a reader about their positive experience with phone sex.

Then, provide information on professional phone sex lines and their availability. Explain the different types of phone sex lines, including those with professional operators and those that connect callers with each other. Emphasize that these services are often free for women while men typically pay. Provide suggestions on where to find advertisements for these services, such as in erotic magazines or local weekly publications.

Response:
#  Phone Sex

The telephone can become a sex toy in its own right. You can have sex over the telephone that can be as powerful and erotic as sex you have in person. Because some people find it easier to talk explicitly about sex over the phone than in person, phone sex can be a great way to practice your erotic talk.

> > My partner and I grew our sex life into this amazing and exciting experience using phone sex while we lived apart. It was so yummy.
>
> Aurora

Professional phone sex lines are also available. Most folks are familiar with these 900 numbers. Some sex talk lines are designed for callers to speak with a professional. Others are set up for callers to talk to one another, usually through a series of voice mail systems. If you choose, you can also arrange to talk live to others on the service. You can find these services advertised in the back of erotic magazines or your local weekly rag. This type of phone sex line is often free for women, while the male callers pay.


Input:
 Write a section for the chapter "Cyber Sex" discussing the potential of computers as high-tech sex toys and the various types of sexual experiences available online. Explain the different types of websites, including those with erotic pictures, sexually explicit chat rooms, and reliable sex education resources. Mention that some sites charge a fee for entry while others are free, and that age requirement notices are posted on their front pages.

Then, introduce the book "The Womans Guide to Sex on the Web" by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans. Explain that the book reviews two hundred of the best sex websites for women and includes interviews with industry professionals. Mention that the book also covers online rendezvous sites and other sexuality resources for women. Highlight that some of the sites listed in the book provide information on sexual abuse and assault.

Response:
#  Cyber Sex

Computers may be the latest in high-tech sex toys. Numerous sites offering different types of sexual experiences can be found easily. There are sites with erotic pictures, sexually explicit chat rooms, and some offering reliable sex education. You can also shop for your sex toys online. Many of these sites, especially the ones advertising explicit photos, charge a fee for entry. Others are free. They will all post age requirement notices on their front pages.

The Womans Guide to Sex on the Web by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans reviews two hundred of the best sex Web sites for women. It includes interviews with folks in the industry, along with the latest in online rendezvous sites, and other sexuality resources for women. Some of the sites they list will link you to information on sexual abuse and assault.


Input: Write a section for the chapter "Your Play Toys" discussing the importance of exploration and trying out different toys, books, and videos that catch your interest. Emphasize that it's normal to feel embarrassed when visiting a store that sells sex toys, whether it's the first time or the tenth time, and that this feeling can be experienced even when ordering over the phone or online. Encourage readers to engage in open conversations about sex to help normalize making choices that support their sexual development and to become more comfortable with sex through exploration.

Response:
#  Your Play Toys

The guiding principle here is exploration. Try out the toys, books, and videos that grab your attention and go with what titillates you. It is perfectly normal to feel embarrassed the first time you walk into a store that sells sex toys—or even the tenth time! It can be nerve-racking even ordering over the phone or online. The more you talk with others about sex, the more normal it will seem to make choices that support your sexual development. Youll become more comfortable with sex by engaging in the exploration of it.


Input: Write a section titled "Sex Guide Exercises" that provides the reader with practical activities to support their sexual growth. Include questions such as "What sex toys might you like to try?" and "How can you use sex toys to support your sexual growth?". Additionally, suggest actions for the reader to take, such as visiting one of the toy stores listed in the resources section. Provide options for this visit, such as exploring a website, calling a mail-order company to request a catalog, or physically walking into a store nearby.

Response:
#  Sex Guide Exercises

> 1\. What sex toys might you like to try? How can you use sex toys to support your sexual growth?

> 2\. Check out one of the toy stores listed in the Resources. Visit a Web site, call a mail-order company to request a catalog, or walk into a store near you.


Input: Write a section titled "Tantra" that explains the concept of Tantra and its roots in ancient Eastern spiritual disciplines. Discuss how Tantra combines sexuality with spirituality and treats sex as both an energetic and potentially transcendent experience. Mention the growing popularity of Tantra in the West over the last two decades. Include a personal testimonial from a survivor of sexual abuse, such as Cheryl, who found healing and a new perspective on sex through the practice of Tantra.

Response:
#  Tantra

Tantra is a sexual practice that is rooted in ancient Eastern spiritual disciplines, one of a number of such practices found in ancient Japanese, Tibetan, Chinese, Hindu, and Native American spiritual traditions. Tantra essentially combines sexuality with spirituality and treats sex as both an energetic and a potentially transcendent experience. Both the body and sexuality are considered vehicles with which to contact the sacred. Tantra has become more popular and accessible in the West in the last twenty-five years and particularly popular in the last decade. The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margot Anand does an excellent job of translating tantric practices for the Western mind (see Bibliography). In a culture where sex and religion are so often considered antithetical, tantra can be a refreshing look at sex and sexuality, bringing the sacred back into sex.

Tantra teaches one to look at sex as an energetic and spiritual experience. The goal is not necessarily orgasm, but rather the opening of the body and spirit to God/Great Spirit/Vishnu/Universe. This energy can also be focused toward healing and opening the body and the sexual body. Tantric practitioners learn breath and movement patterns that increase the sexual energy in the body and the connection between partners. The focus of sex and sexual sensations is raised from the genitals to spread up the chakra system and over the whole body.

> > After a childhood of being used as a sexual object for my father, I was relieved to find tantra. It brought something pure and beautiful back to sex. It was no longer a way for someone to use me but a way for me to connect with myself, with another, and with the sacred. This has been very healing for me.
>
> Cheryl


Input: Write a section titled "Yoni Massage" that explains the standard tantric names for the vulva and male genitalia, Yoni and Lingam, respectively. Discuss the different ways tantric practitioners teach touching the body and genitals to raise sexual energy. Include information about the Miraculous Mooshy Massage for the Body Electric School developed by Annie Sprinkle and Joseph Kramer, which is a multistep massage process aimed at raising sexual energy and teaching people how to touch women's bodies and genitals. Provide a personal testimonial, like Jo's, who learned the Yoni massage at a training and found it to be a valuable experience in understanding their own anatomy and different ways to touch and be touched sexually.

Response:
#  Yoni Massage

Yoni and lingam are the standard tantric names for the vulva and the male genitalia, respectively. Different tantric practitioners teach different ways of touching the body and genitals to raise the sexual energy. Annie Sprinkle and Joseph Kramer developed what they call the Miraculous Mooshy Massage for the Body Electric School (see Resources for contact information). This is a multistep massage process whose goal is to raise sexual energy and teach people how to touch womens bodies and genitals. The process includes full-body touch, vulva accupressure points, relaxation and breathing techniques, and spreading the erotic energy over the entire body. Most of us are thrown into the mix with little real sex education, much less instruction on how best to touch and be touched, so this is a wonderful tool to learn by.

> > I learned the yoni massage at a training. While this might sound out there, it was such a great experience. I got to really learn about the different parts of my own anatomy and different ways to touch and be touched sexually. I can pass this information on to my lovers now.
>
> Jo


Input: Write a section titled "Sacred Masturbation and Ceremony" that explains how to create a sacred ritual for masturbation as taught by Betty Dodson in her book Selfloving. Discuss the importance of setting up a sacred space and time to truly care for and nourish yourself sexually. Encourage the creation of sacred space, ritual, or ceremony around sex or masturbation either alone or with a partner. Provide examples of healing ceremonies or sexual self-forgiveness rituals. Share a definition of ceremony or ritual from Serge Kahali King, a Hawaiian shaman, who describes it as creating an environment and intention to move or transform. Include a list of ideas to create a sacred ceremony or ritual, such as setting up a beautiful space, displaying special objects, lighting candles, and setting intentions. Conclude with a testimonial, like Akaya's, emphasizing the spiritual significance of acts of pleasure.

Response:
#  Sacred Masturbation and Ceremony

You do not have to practice tantra specifically to make your sexual expression sacred. Many sacred sex practices are available. Betty Dodson, in her book Selfloving, teaches how to create a sacred ritual for masturbation. She suggests you set up a sacred space, and moreover time, to truly care for and nourish yourself sexually.

You can create sacred space, ritual, or ceremony around sex or masturbation on your own. You might want to set up a healing ceremony or a sexual self-forgiveness ritual. You can make your masturbation a beautiful celebration and your partner sex a sacred gift.

The best definition of ceremony or ritual I have found comes from Serge Kahali King, a Hawaiian shaman, who speaks of sacred ceremony as creating an environment and intention to move or transform us. Ask yourself what moves you or is sacred or special to you. Then consider your intention. What do you want to create, heal, or bless in your ritual? Use these components to set up a sacred space or ceremony for yourself or to share with your sexual partner. Here are some ideas for creating a sacred ceremony or ritual for yourself:

Create a beautiful space. You may want to drape cloths, display special objects, light candles, burn sage or incense, put on music. Set your intention. What do you want this ceremony to celebrate? What do you want to heal in this ritual? Call in any teachers, or God/Goddess/Great Spirit, to be with you. Breathe and center, becoming present and aware of the sacred space you are creating. Take pleasure in your sacred sexuality. Poems and songs can be inspirational in starting or ending. It is lovely to share food after a ceremony.

> > My partner taught me that all acts of pleasure are acts of the Spirit. What divine force would give us such a capacity for pleasure, and then say, "Dont use it"?
>
> Akaya


Input: Write a section titled "Learning More" that discusses the traditional method of learning tantra and sacred sexual practices, which is through the teacher-student or guru-devotee relationship. Explain how this method may be unfamiliar to those in the West and highlight the increasing availability of various forms of learning, such as books, videos, tapes, workshops, and private consultations with practitioners and teachers. Emphasize that workshops may include exercises in working with sexual energy and may involve nudity. Advise readers to ask for a detailed course description before participating. Remind the reader to be cautious when choosing a tantric practitioner or teacher, as not all have the same level of integrity, competence, or understanding of childhood sexual abuse and its impact on sexual healing. Encourage the reader to check credentials, inquire about the practitioner's experience working with survivors, and to use their criteria to determine the best teacher or workshop for them. Finally, provide a resources section for more information on tantra and sacred sexuality.

Response:
#  Learning More

The traditions of tantra and sacred sexual practices were historically passed down through the teacher-student or guru-devotee relationship, one that is usually unfamiliar to those in the West. As tantric practices become more prevalent in the West, there are more forms of learning available. Many books, videos, and tapes are available on the subject, and both workshops and private consultations with practitioners and teachers can be found in many areas. Be aware that participating in workshops will include exercises in working with your sexual energy, and may include nudity. Ask the organization or trainer to give you a detailed description of the course.

As with any sexual practice, there are tantric practitioners who have more and less integrity and more and less competency with the issues of childhood sexual abuse. If wish to learn about tantra, use your own criteria to assess who you want to explore with and learn from. Just because someone talks about spirituality does not mean he or she will have the competence to support your sexual healing from childhood sexual abuse, or the appropriate boundaries to do so. Check out the credentials of workshop leaders and teachers, ask about their experience with survivors, and ask what they understand about sexual healing after childhood sexual abuse.

For more resources on tantra and sacred sexuality, please see the Resources section.


Input:
 Create a section titled "Sex Guide Exercises" that includes thought-provoking questions for readers to reflect on their feelings and beliefs about sex, their bodies, and their sexuality. Begin with an introductory sentence explaining the purpose of these exercises. Then, list two questions:

1. What do you feel is sacred about sex, your body, and your sexuality?
2. What might you be interested in learning about tantra or sacred sexuality?

Response:
#  Sex Guide Exercises

> 1\. What do you feel is sacred about sex, your body, and your sexuality?

> 2\. What might you be interested in learning about tantra or sacred sexuality?


Input: Write a chapter titled "Intimacy and Self-Forgiveness" that discusses the challenges and benefits of combining emotional intimacy and sex for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Explain how the survivor's history of abuse may resurface during intimate moments, and emphasize that these instances are not failures, but opportunities for healing.

Response:
chapter sixteen

Intimacy and Self-Forgiveness

Mixing emotional intimacy and sex is powerful and challenging for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. You can be sure that if you are intimate both emotionally and sexually with your partners, the sparks of your sexual healing will light fires! This can be both exciting and tumultuous. Your history of sexual abuse will come bubbling up to the surface. Because more of you is present in your relationships, more feelings and more triggers will emerge during sex. This is not a failure, or as one survivor puts it, "the beginning of the end to yet another relationship." Rather, it is a portal into healing your sexuality.