Input:
1. Q: Who is the author of "The Ethical Slut"?
A: Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
2. Q: In what way did "The Ethical Slut" impact Chris Donaghue's life?
A: Chris Donaghue credits "The Ethical Slut" with freeing his own sexuality and leading him down the path of becoming a sex therapist. He mentions that it expanded his sexual intelligence and raised his sexual confidence.
3. Q: What is David Henry Sterry's opinion of the updated version of "The Ethical Slut"?
A: David Henry Sterry, who identifies as an ethical slut, expresses his joy at devouring the new updated and sexually diverse "pie" that is "The Ethical Slut."
4. Q: What does Annie Sprinkle believe is one of the most useful aspects of "The Ethical Slut"?
A: Annie Sprinkle believes that "The Ethical Slut" is full of great information about communication, jealousy, asking for what you want, and maintaining a relationship with integrity. She considers it a masterpiece and a must-read.
5. Q: According to David Crosby, what is the main obstacle that prevents people from exploring their sexual desires?
A: David Crosby believes that many people wish for and dream of a wider world sexually, but they are unable to find the courage to explore.
6. Q: How has "The Ethical Slut" influenced Margaret Cho's life?
A: Margaret Cho credits "The Ethical Slut" with making her the ethical slut she is today, and she expresses pride in that fact.
7. Q: What does Barbara Carrellas believe is the definitive guide for creating and sustaining conscious relationships?
A: Barbara Carrellas believes that "The Ethical Slut" is the definitive guide for creating and sustaining all conscious relationships, whether they are polyamorous, open, alternative, or monogamous.
8. Q: What does Dorothy Allison appreciate about the writing style of "The Ethical Slut"?
A: Dorothy Allison appreciates the blend of good humor and forthright honesty in "The Ethical Slut." She finds the writing engaging, disarming, and forthright.
9. Q: Who is the target audience for "The Ethical Slut"?
A: While "The Ethical Slut" is particularly relevant to those who practice polyamory, open relationships, or alternative lifestyles, it is also useful for anyone seeking to improve their communication skills, address jealousy, and build more fulfilling relationships.
10. Q: How might someone who identifies as monogamous benefit from reading "The Ethical Slut"?
A: Someone who identifies as monogamous might benefit from reading "The Ethical Slut" by gaining insights into communication, boundaries, and relationship dynamics, which can be applicable to any relationship, regardless of its structure. Additionally, it may help them better understand and support friends or loved ones who practice non-monogamy.

Response:
MORE PRAISE FOR _THE ETHICAL SLUT_

" _The Ethical Slut_ was the very book that freed my own sexuality, and also led me down the path of becoming a sex therapist. It's rare to find a book with the capacity to both expand your sexual intelligence and also raise your sexual confidence. We need more brilliant authors like Hardy and Easton and this liberating book."

—CHRIS DONAGHUE, PhD, CST, author of _Sex Outside the Lines_ and cohost of the _Loveline_ podcast

"As an ethical slut myself, I was overjoyed to devour this new updated sexually diverse and eye-opening pie. Sluts unite ethically!"

—David Henry Sterry, best-selling author of _Chicken: Self-portrait of a Young Man for Rent_

PRAISE FOR THE SECOND EDITION

" _The Ethical Slut_ is one of the most useful relationship books you could ever read, no matter what your lifestyle choices. It's chock-full of great information about communication, jealousy, asking for what you want, and maintaining a relationship with integrity. An absolute masterpiece and a must-read!"

—ANNIE SPRINKLE, PhD, sexologist and author of _Dr. Sprinkle's Spectacular Sex_

"Many people wish for and dream of a wider world sexually and live out their lives unable to find the courage to explore. This book is a thoughtful, practical, and loving look at that exploration."

—DAVID CROSBY, musician and author of _Since Then_

"This book is the definitive guide to having your marriage and eating other people too. _The Ethical Slut_ made me the ethical slut I am today, and I am so proud!"

—MARGARET CHO, comedian and author of _I'm the One That I Want_

" _The Ethical Slut_ , in this new and expanded edition, is the definitive guide for creating and sustaining all conscious relationships—polyamorous, open, alternative, and monogamous. Don't enter into another relationship without it!"

—BARBARA CARRELLAS, author of _Urban Tantra_

"Dossie and Janet's blend of good humor and forthright honesty makes for some of the best writing I have found on sexually complicated relationships and blended family options. Engaging, disarming, forthright—this is the book for those of us still brave enough to make the ethically complex choices."

—DOROTHY ALLISON, author of _Bastard Out of Carolina_


Input:
 1. Q: Who holds the copyright for "The Ethical Slut"?
A: Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton hold the copyright for "The Ethical Slut."
2. Q: What year was the copyright for "The Ethical Slut" issued?
A: The copyright for "The Ethical Slut" was issued in 2017.
3. Q: What rights are reserved for "The Ethical Slut"?
A: All rights are reserved for "The Ethical Slut."
4. Q: In which country was "The Ethical Slut" first published?
A: "The Ethical Slut" was first published in the United States.
5. Q: Which imprint of Penguin Random House LLC published "The Ethical Slut"?
A: Ten Speed Press published "The Ethical Slut."
6. Q: What are the URLs for the Crown Publishing Group and Ten Speed Press?
A: The URLs for the Crown Publishing Group and Ten Speed Press are [www.crownpublishing.com](http://www.crownpublishing.com) and [www.tenspeed.com](http://www.tenspeed.com), respectively.
7. Q: Are the Ten Speed Press and the Ten Speed Press colophon registered trademarks?
A: Yes, the Ten Speed Press and the Ten Speed Press colophon are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC.
8. Q: Where can one find the Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data for "The Ethical Slut"?
A: The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data for "The Ethical Slut" is on file with the publisher.
9. Q: What are the Trade Paper ISBN and Ebook ISBN for "The Ethical Slut"?
A: The Trade Paper ISBN for "The Ethical Slut" is 9780399579660, and the Ebook ISBN is 9780399579677.
10. Q: What is the version number for the information provided about "The Ethical Slut"?
A: The version number for the information provided about "The Ethical Slut" is v4.1.

Response:
Copyright © 2017 by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Ten Speed Press,

an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York.

www.crownpublishing.com

www.tenspeed.com

Ten Speed Press and the Ten Speed Press colophon are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file with the publisher.

Trade Paper ISBN 9780399579660

Ebook ISBN 9780399579677

v4.1

a


Input:
 1. Q: What is the title of the book and the section provided?
A: The title of the book is "The Ethical Slut" and the section provided is the table of contents.
2. Q: What are the four parts of the book?
A: The four parts of the book are "Welcome," "The Practice of Sluthood," "Navigating Challenges," and "Sluts in Love."
3. Q: What is the first chapter of the book?
A: The first chapter of the book is "Who Is an Ethical Slut?"
4. Q: What are some of the topics covered in the first part of the book?
A: Some of the topics covered in the first part of the book are myths and realities, beliefs, slut styles, battling sex negativity, building a culture of consent, and infinite possibilities.
5. Q: What are some of the topics covered in the second part of the book?
A: Some of the topics covered in the second part of the book are abundance, slut skills, boundaries, the unethical slut, flirting and cruising, keeping sex safe, and childrearing.
6. Q: What are some of the topics covered in the third part of the book?
A: Some of the topics covered in the third part of the book are roadmaps through jealousy, embracing conflict, making agreements, and opening an existing relationship.
7. Q: What are some of the topics covered in the fourth part of the book?
A: Some of the topics covered in the fourth part of the book are making connection, couples and groups, the single slut, the ebb and flow of relationships, sex and pleasure, public sex, group sex, and orgies.
8. Q: What is the final section of the book?
A: The final section of the book is the conclusion titled "A Slut Utopia."
9. Q: What is included after the conclusion of the book?
A: After the conclusion of the book, there is a slut's glossary, further reading, about the authors, and an index. Additionally, there are exercises, sluts we know and love, some affirmations to try, practice makes perfect, how do you experience jealousy, reassurance, fifteen ways to be kind to yourself, treasures, feelings dyad, eight steps to win-win conflict resolution, what is anger good for, hierarchy of hard, the twenty-minute fight, the airport game, a healthy breakup, the process-free date, a hot date with yourself, yes, no, maybe, more fun with your "yes, no, maybe" list, get loud, and the healthy breakup.

Response:
# Contents

PART ONE: WELCOME

1: Who Is an Ethical Slut?

2: Myths and Realities

3: Our Beliefs

4: Slut Styles

5: Battling Sex Negativity

6: Building a Culture of Consent

7: Infinite Possibilities

PART TWO: THE PRACTICE OF SLUTHOOD

8: Abundance

9: Slut Skills

10: Boundaries

11: The Unethical Slut

12: Flirting and Cruising

13: Keeping Sex Safe

14: Childrearing

PART THREE: NAVIGATING CHALLENGES

15: Roadmaps through Jealousy

16: Embracing Conflict

17: Making Agreements

18: Opening an Existing Relationship

PART FOUR: SLUTS IN LOVE

19: Making Connection

20: Couples and Groups

21: The Single Slut

22: The Ebb and Flow of Relationships

23: Sex and Pleasure

24: Public Sex, Group Sex, and Orgies

CONCLUSION: A SLUT UTOPIA

A SLUT'S GLOSSARY

FURTHER READING

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

INDEX

Exercises

Sluts We Know and Love

Some Affirmations to Try

Practice Makes Perfect

How Do You Experience Jealousy?

Reassurance

Fifteen Ways to Be Kind to Yourself

Treasures

Feelings Dyad

Eight Steps to Win-Win Conflict Resolution

What Is Anger Good For?

Hierarchy of Hard

The Twenty-Minute Fight

The Airport Game

A Healthy Breakup

The Process-Free Date

A Hot Date with Yourself

Yes, No, Maybe

More Fun with Your "Yes, No, Maybe" List

Get Loud


Input:
  1. Q: What is the title of the chapter and what is the chapter about?
A: The title of the chapter is "Who Is an Ethical Slut?" and it discusses the concept of an ethical slut as someone who celebrates sexuality and pleasure as positive forces for good in their life and in the world. It also discusses the idea of reclaiming the word "slut" as a term of approval and endearment.
2. Q: What is the main argument of the chapter?
A: The main argument of the chapter is that sex and sexual love are fundamental forces for good and that every consensual intimate relationship has the potential to strengthen intimate bonds, enhance lives, open spiritual awareness, and even change the world. The chapter also argues that sex and sexual love can be celebrated and shared in many different ways, including through multiple long-term sexual and intimate relationships, friendships that may or may not include sex, or through solitary sexual activities.
3. Q: What are some of the examples given in the chapter of different ways of being an ethical slut?
A: Some examples given in the chapter of different ways of being an ethical slut include maintaining several long-term sexual and intimate relationships, having a lot of friendships that may or may not include sex, forming warm and loving partnerships without engaging in genital sex, practicing monogamy according to one's own desires, being single and connecting with others as desired, being part of a couple that occasionally shares a bed with a mutually desirable third party, or exploring different sexual paths and trying new things.
4. Q: What is the authors' stance on the word "slut"?
A: The authors of the chapter argue that the word "slut" is often used as a highly offensive term to describe a woman whose sexuality is voracious, indiscriminate, and shameful. They argue that this is problematic because the analogous words used to describe a highly sexual man, such as "stud" or "player," are often terms of approval and envy. The authors argue that the word "slut" should be reclaimed as a term of approval and endearment for people of any gender who celebrate sexuality according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.
5. Q: What is the authors' stance on monogamy?
A: The authors of the chapter argue that monogamy is not the only option for a fulfilling and ethical sex life. They argue that every consensual intimate relationship has the potential to be a positive force in an individual's life and in the world, regardless of whether it is monogamous or non-monogamous. They argue that each person should be free to choose the type of relationship that works best for them, whether it is monogamous or non-monogamous, and that this choice should not be judged or stigmatized.
6. Q: Who is the intended audience of the chapter?
A: The intended audience of the chapter is people who are interested in exploring alternative sexualities and in questioning cultural norms around sex and intimacy. The chapter may be of particular interest to people who are interested in polyamory, consensual non-monogamy, or ethical sluthood, or who are looking for ways to celebrate sexuality and pleasure in their own lives.
7. Q: What is the tone of the chapter?
A: The tone of the chapter is positive and empowering. The authors argue that sexuality and pleasure are fundamental forces for good in people's lives and in the world, and that everyone should be free to celebrate their sexuality in the way that works best for them. The chapter encourages readers to question cultural norms around sex and intimacy and to explore alternative sexualities and relationship styles.

Response:
# 1

# WHO IS AN ETHICAL SLUT?

Many people dream of having an abundance of love and **sex** and friendship. Some believe that such a life is impossible and settle for less than they want, feeling always a little lonely, a little frustrated. Others try to achieve their dream but are thwarted by outside social pressures or by their own emotions, and decide that such dreams must stay in the realm of fantasy. A few, though, persist and discover that being openly loving, intimate, and sexual with many people is not only possible but can be more rewarding than they ever imagined.

People have been succeeding at free love for many centuries—often quietly, without much fanfare. In this book, we will share the techniques, the skills, and the ideals that have made it work for them.

So who is an ethical **slut**? We are. Many, many others are. Maybe you are too. If you dream of freedom, if you dream of intimacy both hot and profound, if you dream of an abundance of friends and flirtation and affection, of following your desires and seeing where they take you, then you've already taken the first step.

Why We Chose This Title

From the moment you saw or heard about this book, you probably guessed that some of the terms may not have the meanings you're accustomed to.

What kind of people would revel in calling themselves sluts? And why would they insist on being recognized for their ethics?

In most of the world, _slut_ is a highly offensive term used to describe a woman whose sexuality is voracious, indiscriminate, and shameful. It's interesting to note that the analogous words _stud_ or _player_ , used to describe a highly sexual man, are often terms of approval and envy. If you ask about a man's morals, you will probably hear about his honesty, loyalty, integrity, and high principles. When you ask about a woman's morals, you are more likely to hear about whom she shares sex with and under what conditions. We have a problem with this.

So we are proud to **reclaim** the word _slut_ as a term of approval, even endearment. To us, a slut is a person of any **gender** who celebrates sexuality according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you. Sluts may choose to have no sex at all or to get cozy with the Fifth Fleet. They may be heterosexual, homosexual, **asexual** , or bisexual, radical activists or peaceful suburbanites.

As proud sluts, we believe that sex and sexual love are fundamental forces for good, activities with the potential to strengthen intimate bonds, enhance lives, open spiritual awareness, even change the world. Furthermore, we believe that every consensual intimate relationship has these potentials and that any erotic pathway, consciously chosen and mindfully followed, can be a positive, creative force in the lives of individuals and their communities.

Sluts share their sexuality the way philanthropists share their money: because they have a lot of it to share, because it makes them happy to share it, because sharing makes the world a better place. Sluts often find that the more love and sex they give away, the more they have: a loaves-and-fishes miracle in which greed and generosity go hand in hand to provide more for everybody. Imagine living in sexual abundance!

About You

Maybe you dream of maintaining several long-term sexual and intimate relationships. Maybe your dream is of a lot of friendships that may or may not include sex. Maybe the idea of genital sex holds no interest for you but you still want to form a warm, loving partnership…or two or three. Maybe you want monogamy but a kind of monogamy that you and your partner have created according to your own desires and not the blueprint handed down by the greater culture. Maybe you want to be single, connecting where and how you want without changing your fundamental independence. Maybe you want to be part of a couple that occasionally shares a bed with a mutually desirable third party or that takes a planned night away from monogamy every now and then. Maybe you dream of three-way or four-way or orgiastic connections. Maybe you cherish solitude and want to find ways to get your needs met all by yourself with the occasional help of a friend or lover.

Or maybe you want to explore different paths, to try a few things to see how they feel, to see how many kinds of relating you can fit into your busy and interesting life.

All these possibilities and a hundred more are legitimate ways of being an ethical slut. As you read this book, you'll find that some of our ideas will be good fits for the way you want to live and others will not. Take what you want and leave the rest. As long as you and the people you care about are consenting, growing, and taking good care of yourselves and the people around you, you're doing ethical sluthood right, so don't let someone else's opinions—including ours—tell you otherwise.

About Us

Between us, we represent a fairly large slice of the pie that is sexual diversity.

Dossie is a therapist in private practice in San Francisco, specializing in alternative sexualities, nontraditional relationships, and therapy for trauma survivors. She has identified as **queer** for more than thirty years, informed by the women's and the gay men's communities and by her years of bisexuality before that. She committed to an open sexual lifestyle in 1969 when her daughter was a newborn and taught her first workshop on unlearning jealousy in 1973. She has spent about half of her adult life living single, sort of, with families of housemates, lovers, and other intimates. She makes her home in the mountains north of San Francisco.

Many of you may remember Janet from the first edition of this book as Catherine A. Liszt, a pen name she used back when her sons were still minors. Now that they're grown and independent, she has gone back to using her real name. Janet lived as a teenaged slut in college but then essayed traditional monogamy in a heterosexual marriage for more than a decade. Since the end of that marriage, she has not considered monogamy an option for her. While most people would call her bisexual, she thinks of herself as gender-bent and can't quite figure out how sexual **orientation** is supposed to work when you're sometimes male and sometimes female. She's married to a bio-guy whose gender is as flexible as hers, which is less complicated than it sounds. She makes her living as a writer, publisher, and teacher, and lives in Eugene, Oregon.

Together, we have been lovers, dear friends, coauthors, and coconspirators for a quarter century, in and out of various other relationships, homes, and projects. We are both parents of grown children, both active in the **BDSM** / **leather** / **kink** communities, and both creative writers. We think we're a great example of what can happen if you don't try to force all your relationships into the monogamous 'til-death-do-us-part model.

Sexual Adventurers

The world generally views sluts as debased, degraded, promiscuous, indiscriminate, jaded, immoral adventurers—destructive, out of control, and driven by some form of psychopathology that prevents them from entering into a healthy monogamous relationship.

Oh, yes—and definitely not ethical.

We see ourselves as people who are committed to finding a place of sanity with sex and relationships, and to freeing ourselves to enjoy sex and sexual love in as many ways as may fit for each of us. We may not always know what fits without trying it on, so we tend to be curious and adventurous. When we see someone who intrigues us, we like to feel free to respond, and, as we explore our response, to discover whatever is special about this new, fascinating person. We like relating to different kinds of people and reveling in how our differences expand our horizons and offer us new ways to be ourselves.

Sluts are not necessarily sexual athletes—although many of us do train more than most. Most of us value sex, not as a way to set records but for the pleasure it brings us and the good times we get to share with however many wonderful people.

We love adventure. The word _adventurer_ is sometimes used pejoratively, suggesting that the adventurous person is immature or inauthentic, not really willing to "grow up" and "settle down" into a presumably monogamous lifestyle. We wonder: What's wrong with having adventures? Can't we have adventures and still raise children, buy houses, and do the work that's important to us? Of course we can; sluts qualify for mortgages just like everybody else. We tend to like our lives complicated, and the challenge of maintaining stable work and home lives while discovering new people and ideas is just what we need to keep us interested and engaged.

"We hate boredom. We are people who are greedy to experience all that life has to offer and are also generous in sharing what we have to offer."

One of the most valuable things we learn from open sexual lifestyles is that our programming about love, intimacy, and sex can be rewritten. When we begin to question all the ways we have been told we ought to be, we can begin to edit and rewrite our old tapes. By breaking the rules, we both free and empower ourselves.

We hate boredom. We are people who are greedy to experience all that life has to offer and are also generous in sharing what we have to offer. We love to be the good time had by all.

What's New in This Edition

In the eight years since the previous edition of _The Ethical Slut_ was published, **polyamory** has become hugely more visible, which means that a very wide variety of people of all races, genders, orientations, and backgrounds are becoming interested in exploring the possibilities of relationships beyond culturally compelled monogamy. In this edition, we have done our best to speak to as wide a range of potential readers as we can. Hence, you'll find that we've given more attention to people of color, asexual and aromantic people, people in their teens and early twenties, people of nonbinary gender, and other groups that too often receive short shrift from **sex-positive** communities.

A long-overdue conversation about the nature and nuance of sexual consent has also moved into the forefront of the cultural dialogue. We've included a new chapter on this important topic. And, just for fun, we've also added some short histories of the people and ideas that have helped make alternative sexuality what it is today.

The Language in This Book

When you sit down to write a book about sex, as we hope you one day will, you will discover that centuries of censorship have left us with very little adequate language with which to discuss the joys and occasional worries of sex. The language that we do have often carries implicit judgments: If the only polite way to talk about sexuality is in medical Latin— _vulvas_ and _pudendas_ , _penes_ and _testes_ —are only doctors allowed to talk about sex? Is sex all about disease? Meanwhile, most of the originally English words— _cock_ and _cunt_ , _fucking_ , and, oh yes, _slut_ —often have a hostile or coarse feel to them and are used as insults to degrade people and their sexuality. Euphemisms— _peepees_ and _pussies_ , _jade gates_ and _mighty towers_ —sound as if we are embarrassed. Maybe we are.

Our approach to a sex-positive language is to reclaim the original English words and, by using them as positive descriptors, wash them clean. Hence our adoption of the word _slut_ (which we are proud to say has infiltrated the language in the form of **slut walks** and the rejection of **slut-shaming** ). You will also find in this book words like **fuck** and cock and cunt used, not as insults, but to mean what they actually mean.

We are writing this book from a sex-positive position, in the belief that we are working for a healthier and happier and _safer_ world. We are aware, also, that for many people, sex has not been a positive thing in their lives, whether from cultural or religious shaming or from exposure to sexual violence, and sometimes because for them genital sex is not what they want.

Our fondest utopian visions are that when sex and love and intimacy are truly free, and seen as positive forces in our lives and in the world, we will be much more able to solve the problems of rape, sexual bullying, shaming, and repression. Indeed, we hope this book contributes to a world where you won't settle for anything less than love and freedom in your sex life.

Cultural blind spots can show up as **centrisms** : couple-centrism, heterocentrism, eurocentrism. Nonmonogamy, extramarital sex, and **open relationships** all define themselves by what they _aren't_ , thus implying that they're some exception to the "normal" relationships that "normal" people have.

_Polyamory_ was coined in 1992 and is currently, we are thrilled to report, included in the _Oxford English Dictionary_. Formed from Latin and Greek roots that translate as "loving many," this word has been adopted by many sluts to describe their lifestyles. It is often abbreviated as _poly_ , as in "I am a poly person." Some use it to mean multiple committed live-in relationships, forms of group marriage; others use it as an umbrella word to cover all forms of sex and love and domesticity outside conventional monogamy. The word _polyamory_ has moved into the language so rapidly that we think maybe the language has been waiting for it for a very long time.

In this new world of sex and relationships, new terms get coined all the time to describe, or attempt to describe, the ever-changing spectrum of ways in which people arrange their lives. If, as you're reading, you encounter a term you don't understand, please check the Glossary in the back of the book, where we've defined many of these terms for you. The first usage of each Glossary term is marked **like this**.

People often ask us why we talk so much about sex. We see sex as the elephant in the room: huge, taking up lots of space, and too seldom included in the discourse about relationships. In this book we will talk about many kinds of love and we'll also talk about sexual expression of all of them.

Finally, we are doing our best to make the language in this book as **pansexual** and gender-neutral as we can: this book is for everybody. In previous editions, we switched back and forth between "he" and "she" pronouns, but in this edition, with the newly increased visibility of nonbinary lifestyles and genders, we will use the gender-neutral pronouns **they** , **them** , and **their** whenever possible. _Pansexual_ means including everyone as a sexual being: straight, bi, lesbian, gay, asexual, nonbinary, **trans** , queer, old, young, disabled, pervert, male, female, questioning, transitioning. The examples and quotations in this book have been drawn from throughout the huge array of lifestyles we have encountered in our combined eight decades of sluthood: there are infinite "right" ways to be sexual, and we want to affirm all of them.

Poly Pioneers: Alfred Kinsey and the Kinsey Institute

Throughout this book, we'll suggest that consensual behaviors like nonmarital sex, masturbation, homosexuality, and BDSM, still considered "sinful" and "perverted" by some, can in fact be life-enhancing and quite unexceptional ways to conduct an ethically slutty lifestyle. And if you're not shocked to read that, you can thank Dr. Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues.

Kinsey, an Eagle Scout raised in a repressively patriarchal household, rebelled by studying insect biology rather than pursuing the engineering career dictated by his hyperreligious and autocratic father. Before he'd written a word about human sex, he was considered one of the world's leading experts on the gall wasp, and had written two well-received monographs on the topic as well as several other texts on biology and nature.

Kinsey's investigation into American sexual practices began when he was asked to team-teach a class on human sexuality at Indiana University. His interest was piqued when he found himself unable to answer student questions: scientific research on how people actually had sex simply didn't exist. At about this time, the socially maladroit Kinsey began a more personal experiment: he met, fell in love with, and married the bright and tomboyish Clara McMillan ("Mac"), a graduate student in chemistry. Both Prok (a lifelong nickname, granted by his students, short for "Professor K") and Mac were virgins at the time of their marriage, as many young couples were at the time; their difficulties in overcoming this inexperience were an additional spur to Kinsey's determination to learn more about sex.

The completist spirit that had spurred Kinsey to collect tens of thousands of gall wasp specimens led him to spearhead an epic project: interviewing thousands of Americans of all genders, races, and classes about their sexual experiences and attitudes. He found enough sponsorship money that he was able to hire and train colleagues, who would go on to be respected sex researchers in their own right, to assist in this enormous task.

All in all, they collected more than twelve thousand enormously detailed sex histories, eight thousand from interviews by Kinsey himself. Kinsey reached out to people in lifestyles that are rarely public: minority communities, churches, small town PTAs, and many more. He campaigned for one 100 percent participation in many of these communities, to be certain that he wasn't leaving out people who might be too shy or embarrassed to volunteer. Kinsey's research and his conclusions are still well regarded even though statistical techniques are much more sophisticated today. All subsequent research owes a huge debt to the work of Kinsey and his team.

This cadre of researchers and their partners would be considered, in today's terminology, a **_polycule_** or constellation. When sex is discussed openly, people typically feel much freer to act on their desires—so, unsurprisingly, both Prok and Mac were sexually involved with several of the researchers, who in turn had sex with one another's spouses. Whatever difficulties were encountered in this arrangement—and there were several—seem to have had at least as much to do with the problem of being sexual with coworkers as they did with sexual jealousy. Kinsey's frequently insensitive personal style was undoubtedly a factor as well. In spite of such small flare-ups, the Kinseyites remained colleagues and occasional lovers until Kinsey's death in 1956, and members of the original crew continued at the helm of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction until 1982.

Even today, more than half a century after Kinsey's death, he is a controversial figure. His books _Sexual Behavior in the Human Male_ (1948) and _Sexual Behavior in the Human Female_ (1953) sold hundreds of thousands of copies and created shock waves throughout the world when his collected interviews and statistics revealed the frequency of sexual activities like masturbation, extramarital sex, and same-sex connections in both men and women.

However, this important work fell subject to the Communist witch hunts of the 1950s, which cost him his funding and his health. Still today, those who oppose our contemporary sexual freedoms cite Kinsey's bisexuality, nonmonogamy, kink interests, and nonjudgmentalism about his interview subjects as reasons to discount his groundbreaking research.

However, the genie of sexual knowledge cannot be easily crammed back into its bottle: today's liberated sexual mores, including the acceptance of sex before or outside marriage, homosexuality and bisexuality, BDSM, and, yes, poly, owe their existence to Dr. Kinsey's work. Prok, Mac, and the Kinseyites are clearly among the patron saints of ethical sluthood—not just for their pioneering sex and relationship constellations, but for the work they did to bring the true variety of human sexual experience into the light.


Input:
   1. Q: What is the title of the chapter and what is the chapter about?
A: The title of the chapter is "Myths and Realities" and it discusses the common beliefs and myths that people have about relationships and sexuality, and how these beliefs can be limiting and unexamined. The chapter encourages readers to question these beliefs and to consider alternative perspectives.
2. Q: What are some examples of the beliefs and myths discussed in the chapter?
A: Some examples of the beliefs and myths discussed in the chapter include the idea that monogamy is the only proper goal for relationships, that monogamy is "normal" and "natural," that sexual desire is a destructive force, and that sex is only moral within a committed relationship. The chapter also discusses the idea that jealousy is inevitable and impossible to overcome, and that outside involvements reduce intimacy in the primary relationship.
3. Q: What is the authors' stance on these beliefs and myths?
A: The authors argue that these beliefs and myths are often based on outdated cultural norms and that they can be limiting and unexamined. They encourage readers to question these beliefs and to consider alternative perspectives.
4. Q: What are some alternative perspectives discussed in the chapter?
A: Some alternative perspectives discussed in the chapter include the idea that sexuality and pleasure are fundamental forces for good in people's lives and in the world, that every consensual intimate relationship has the potential to be a positive force in an individual's life and in the world, and that people should be free to choose the type of relationship that works best for them, whether it is monogamous or non-monogamous.
5. Q: Who is the intended audience of the chapter?
A: The intended audience of the chapter is people who are interested in exploring alternative sexualities and in questioning cultural norms around sex and intimacy. The chapter may be of particular interest to people who are interested in polyamory, consensual non-monogamy, or ethical sluthood, or who are looking for ways to celebrate sexuality and pleasure in their own lives.
6. Q: What is the tone of the chapter?
A: The tone of the chapter is positive and empowering. The authors argue that sexuality and pleasure are fundamental forces for good in people's lives and in the world, and that everyone should be free to celebrate their sexuality in the way that works best for them. The chapter encourages readers to question cultural norms around sex and intimacy and to explore alternative sexualities and relationship styles.
7. Q: What is the main argument of the chapter?
A: The main argument of the chapter is that common beliefs and myths about relationships and sexuality can be limiting and unexamined, and that readers should question these beliefs and consider alternative perspectives. The authors argue that sexuality and pleasure are fundamental forces for good in people's lives and in the world, and that everyone should be free to celebrate their sexuality in the way that works best for them. They encourage readers to be open to new experiences and to write their own scripts for their relationships and their lives.

Response:
# 2

# MYTHS AND REALITIES

Those who set off down the path of exploring new kinds of relationships and new lifestyles often find themselves blocked by beliefs—both their own and those of others—about the way society should be, the way relationships should be, and the way people should be. These beliefs are deeply rooted and far too often unexamined.

We have all been taught that one way of relating—lifelong monogamous heterosexual marriage—is the only right way. We are told that monogamy is "normal" and "natural"; if our desires do not fit into that constraint, we are morally deficient, psychologically disturbed, and going against nature.

Many of us feel instinctively that something is wrong with this picture. But how can you dig up and examine a belief that you don't even know you hold? The ideal of lifelong monogamy as the only proper goal for relationships is so deeply buried in our culture that it's almost invisible: we operate on these beliefs without even knowing we believe them. They're under our feet all the time, the foundation for our assumptions, our values, our desires, our myths, our expectations. We don't notice them until we trip over them.

Where did these beliefs get started? Often, they evolved to meet conditions that no longer exist.

Our beliefs about traditional marriage date from agrarian cultures, where you made everything you ate or wore or used, where large extended families helped get this huge amount of work done so nobody starved, and where marriage was a working proposition. When we talk about "traditional family values," this is the family we are talking about: an extended family of grandparents and aunts and cousins, an organization structured to accomplish the work of staying alive. We see large families functioning in traditional ways in America today, often in cultures recently transplanted from other countries, or as a basic support system among economically vulnerable urban or rural populations.

Controlling sexual behavior didn't seem to be that important outside the propertied classes until the Industrial Revolution, which launched a whole new era of sex-negativity, perhaps because of the rising middle class and the limited space for children in urban cultures. Doctors and ministers in the late eighteenth century began to claim that masturbation was unhealthy and sinful, that this most innocent of sexual outlets was dangerous to society—male circumcision became commonplace in this era in an effort to discourage masturbation. Any desire for sex, even with yourself, had become a shameful secret.

But human nature will win out. We are horny creatures, and the more sexually repressive a culture becomes, the more outrageous its covert sexual thoughts and behaviors will become, as any fan of Victorian porn can attest.

In his lectures to young communists in Germany during the rise of Hitler and the Nazis, psychologist Wilhelm Reich theorized that the suppression of sexuality was essential to an authoritarian government. Without the imposition of antisexual morality, he believed, people would be free from shame and would trust their own sense of right and wrong. They would be unlikely to march to war against their wishes or to operate death camps.

The nuclear family, which consists of parents and children relatively isolated from the extended family, is a relic of the twentieth-century middle class. Children no longer work on the farm or in the family business; they are raised almost like pets. Marriage today is no longer essential for survival. Now we marry in pursuit of comfort, security, sex, intimacy, and emotional connection. The increase in divorce, so deplored by today's religious right, may simply reflect the economic reality that today most of us can afford to leave relationships in which we are not happy; no one will starve. And still modern puritans attempt to enforce the nuclear family and monogamous marriage by teaching sexual shame.

We believe that the current set of "oughta-be's," and any other set, are cultural artifacts rather than natural laws. Indeed, nature is wondrously diverse, offering us infinite possibilities. We would like to live in a culture that respects the choices made by sluts as highly as we respect the couple celebrating their fiftieth anniversary. (And, come to think of it, what makes us assume that such a couple is monogamous anyway?)

We are paving new roads across new territory. We have no culturally approved scripts for open sexual lifestyles; we need to write our own. To write your own script requires a lot of effort, and a lot of honesty, and is the kind of hard work that brings many rewards. You may find the right way for you and three years from now decide you want to live a different way—and that's fine. You write the script, you get to make the choices, and you get to change your mind, too.

"We have no culturally approved scripts for open sexual lifestyles; we need to write our own."

EXERCISE: SLUTS WE KNOW AND LOVE

Make a list of all the people you can think of who are not monogamous, including public figures; characters from TV, movies, books; and so on. How do you feel about each of them? What can you learn, positive or negative? What do they tell you about what kind of slut you do and don't want to be?

Judgments about Sluts

As you try to figure out your own path, you may encounter a lot of harsh judgments about the ways different people live. We're sure you don't need us to tell you that the world does not, for the most part, honor sluthood or think well of those of us who are sexually explorative.

You will probably find some of these judgments in your own brain, burrowed in deeper than you ever realized. We believe that they say a lot more about the culture that promotes them than they do about any actual person, including you.

"PROMISCUOUS"

This means we enjoy too many sexual partners. We've also been called "indiscriminate" in our sexuality, which we resent: we can always tell our lovers apart.

We do not believe that there is such a thing as too much sex, except perhaps on certain happy occasions when our options exceed our abilities. Nor do we believe that the ethics we are talking about have anything to do with moderation or abstinence. Kinsey once defined a "nymphomaniac" as "someone who has more sex than you" and, scientist that he was, demonstrated his point with statistics.

Is having less sex somehow more virtuous than having more? We think not. We measure the ethics of good sluts not by the number of their partners, but by the respect and care with which they treat them.

"AMORAL"

Our culture also tells us that sluts are evil, uncaring, amoral, and destructive, seeking to steal something—virtue, money, self-esteem—from their partners. In some ways, this archetype is based on the idea that sex is a commodity, a coin you trade for something else—stability, children, a wedding ring—and that any other transaction constitutes being cheated and betrayed.

We have rarely observed any Jezebels or Casanovas in our community, but perhaps it is not very satisfying for a thief to steal what is freely given. We do not worry about being robbed of our sexual value by the people we share pleasure with.

"SINFUL"

Some people base their sense of ethics on what they've learned is okay or not okay according to God or their church or their parents or their culture. They believe that being good consists of obedience to laws set down by a power greater than themselves.

Religion, we think, has a great deal to offer to many people, including the comfort of faith and the security of community. But believing that God doesn't like sex is like believing that God doesn't like you. Because of this belief, a tremendous number of people carry great shame for their own perfectly natural sexual desires and activities.

We prefer the beliefs of a woman we met, a devoted churchgoer in a fundamentalist faith. She told us that when she was about five years old, she discovered the joys of masturbation in the back seat of the family car, tucked under a warm blanket on a long trip. It felt so wonderful that she concluded that the existence of her clitoris was proof positive that God loved her.

"PATHOLOGICAL"

When psychological studies of human behavior came into vogue in the late nineteenth century, Dr. Richard von Krafft-Ebing and Dr. Sigmund Freud attempted to create more tolerance by theorizing that sluts are not bad but sick, suffering from psychopathology that is not their fault, because their neurosis derives from having their sexuality warped by their parents during their toilet training. So, they said, we should no longer burn sluts at the stake but instead send them to mental hospitals to be cured in an environment that permits no sexual expression at all.

During your authors' childhood and adolescence in the early 1960s, it was common practice to certify and incarcerate adolescents for "treatment" of the "illness" of being sexual—especially if they were gay or lesbian, gender-dysphoric and thus challenging cultural norms of gender, and/or female and in danger of damaging their market value as virgins. (Think about the cultural assumptions that underlie one insult thrown at women who like to have a lot of sex: "cheap." In other words, female sexuality is a commodity and, like all commodities, is made more valuable by its rarity—so a woman who shares sex widely is reducing her own market value.) This sort of thing still takes place more often than you might think. More recently we hear about sex addicts, avoidance of intimacy, commitment-phobia, and attachment disorders. **Pathologizing** explorative sexual behavior is far too often used as a weapon in a moral war against all sexual freedom.

The whole idea of **sex addiction** is a controversial one—many people feel that the word _addiction_ is not well suited to discussing behavioral issues like sex. However, everybody seems to agree that substituting sex for fulfillment of other needs—to allay anxiety, for instance, or bolster sagging self-esteem—represents a problem.

Only you can decide whether your sexual behaviors have become compulsive and whether you wish to change them. Some people try to validate their sexual attractiveness over and over, using sex as constant reassurance because they do not see themselves as innately attractive or lovable. Sex can feel like, and even be, the only coin valuable enough to attract attention and approval.

Some groups and therapists who subscribe to the addiction model may try to tell you that anything but the most conservative of sexual behaviors is wrong or unhealthy or a symptom of addiction or disease. We encourage you to trust your own beliefs and find yourself a supportive environment. Some twelve-step groups encourage you to define the healthy sex life you want for yourself. If your goal is monogamy, that's fine, and if your goal is to stop seeking sex in the place of friendship, or any other behavior pattern that you wish to resculpt, that's fine too. We do not believe that successfully recovering sex addicts have to be monogamous unless they want to be.

"EASY"

Is there, we wonder, some virtue in being difficult?

Myths about Sluts

One of the challenges facing the ethical slut is our culture's insistence that, simply because "everybody knows" something, it must obviously be true. We urge you to regard with great skepticism any sentence that begins "Everybody knows…" or "Common sense tells us…" Often, these phrases are signposts for cultural belief systems that may be antisexual, monogamy-centrist, and/or codependent. Questioning what "everybody knows" can be difficult and disorienting, but we have found it to be rewarding: questioning is the first step toward generating a new paradigm, your own paradigm of how you ought to be.

Cultural belief systems can be very deeply rooted in literature, law, and archetypes, which means that shaking them from your own personal ethos can be difficult. But the first step in exploring them is, of course, recognizing them. Here, then, are some of the pervasive myths that we have heard all our lives and have come to understand are most often untrue and destructive to our relationships and our lives.

MYTH #1: LONG-TERM MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS ARE THE ONLY REAL RELATIONSHIPS.

Lifetime monogamy as an ideal is a relatively new concept in human history and makes us unique among primates. There is nothing that can be achieved within a long-term monogamous relationship that cannot be achieved without one. Business partnership, deep attachment, stable parenting, personal growth, and care and companionship in old age are all well within the abilities of the slut.

People who believe this myth may feel that something is wrong with them if they aren't in a committed twosome. If they prefer to remain free agents, if they discover themselves loving more than one person at a time, if they have tried one or more traditional relationships that didn't work out…instead of questioning the myth, they question themselves: Am I incomplete? Where is my other half? The myth teaches them that they are not good enough in and of themselves. Often people develop a very unrealistic view of couplehood—Mr., Ms., or Mx. Right will automatically solve all their problems, fill all the gaps, and make their lives complete.

A subset of this myth is the belief that if you're really in love, you will automatically lose all interest in others; thus, if you're having sexual or romantic feelings toward anyone but your primary partner, you're not really in love. This belief has cost many people a great deal of happiness through the centuries, yet is untrue to the point of absurdity: a ring around the finger does not cause a nerve block to the genitals.

And, we must ask, if monogamy is the only acceptable option, the only true form of love, than are these agreements genuinely consensual? If you believe that you have no other choice, we believe that you lack the agency that underlies informed consent. We have many friends who have chosen to be monogamous, and we applaud them. But how many people in our society consciously make that choice?

MYTH #2: ROMANTIC LOVE IS THE ONLY REAL LOVE.

Look at the lyrics of popular songs or read some classical poetry: the phrases we choose to describe romantic love don't really sound all that pleasant. "Crazy in love," "love hurts," "obsession," "heartbreak"…these are all descriptions of mental or physical illness.

The feeling that gets called romantic love in this culture seems to be a heady cocktail of lust and adrenaline, sparked by uncertainty, insecurity, perhaps even anger or danger. The chills up the spine that we recognize as passion are, in fact, the same physical phenomenon as hair rising up on a cat's back, caused by the fight-or-flight response.

This kind of love can be thrilling and overwhelming and sometimes a hell of a lot of fun, but it is not the only "real" kind of love, nor is it always a good basis for an ongoing relationship.

MYTH #3: SEXUAL DESIRE IS A DESTRUCTIVE FORCE.

This one goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden and leads to a lot of crazy-making double standards. Some religions preach that women's sexuality is evil and dangerous and exists only to lure men to their doom. From the Victorian era, we get the idea that men are hopelessly voracious and predatory when it comes to sex, and women are supposed to control and civilize them by being pure, asexual, and withholding—men are the gas pedal and women the brakes, which is, we think, pretty hard on the engine. Neither of these ideas works for us.

Many people also believe that unashamed sexual desire, particularly desire for more than one person, inevitably destroys the family—yet we suspect that far more families have been destroyed by bitter divorces over cheating than have ever been disturbed by ethical consensual nonmonogamy.

We prefer to listen to our desires with an open mind and then make choices about how we act.

MYTH #4: THE ONLY MORAL WAY TO HAVE SEX IS WITHIN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP.

An old saw has it that men agree to relationships to have sex, and women agree to sex to have relationships. Believing such nonsense leads to the idea of sex as a currency exchanged for security both financial and physical, social acceptance, and the other perks traditionally granted to people who have achieved the culturally mandated state of lifelong pair-bonding. If you believe this myth, you're likely to see sex for fun, for pleasure, for exploration—for any purpose except cementing two people together—as immoral and socially destructive.

MYTH #5: LOVING SOMEONE MAKES IT OKAY TO CONTROL THEIR BEHAVIOR.

This kind of territorial reasoning is designed, we guess, to make people feel secure, but we don't believe that anybody has the right, much less the obligation, to control the behavior of another functioning adult. Being treated according to this myth doesn't make us feel secure—it makes us feel furious. The old "Awww, she's jealous—she must really care about me" reasoning is symptomatic of a very disturbed set of personal boundaries that can lead to a great deal of unhappiness.

MYTH #6: JEALOUSY IS INEVITABLE AND IMPOSSIBLE TO OVERCOME.

Jealousy is, without a doubt, a very common experience, so much so that a person who doesn't experience jealousy is looked at as a bit odd or in denial. But often a situation that would cause intense jealousy for one person can be no big deal for another. Some people get jealous when their honey takes a sip out of someone else's Coke, while others happily watch their beloved wave bye-bye for a month of amorous sporting with a friend at the far end of the country.

Some people also believe that jealousy is such a shattering emotion that they have no choice but to succumb to it. People who believe this often believe that any form of nonmonogamy _should_ be nonconsensual and completely secret, in order to protect the "betrayed" partner from having to feel such an impossibly difficult emotion.

On the contrary, we have found that jealousy is an emotion like any other: it feels bad (sometimes very bad), but it is not intolerable. We have also found that many of the "oughta-be's" that lead to jealousy can be unlearned, and that unlearning them is often a useful, sometimes even profoundly healing, process. Later in this book, we will spend a lot more time talking about jealousy and the strategies people employ to cope with it.

MYTH #7: OUTSIDE INVOLVEMENTS REDUCE INTIMACY IN THE PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP.

Most marriage counselors, and certain popular TV psychologists, believe that when a member of an otherwise happy couple has an "affair," this must be a symptom of unresolved conflict or unfulfilled needs that should be dealt with in the primary relationship. This is occasionally true, but not nearly as often as many "relationship gurus" would like us to believe. The myth tells us that sleeping with someone else is something you do _to_ your partner, not _for_ yourself, and is the worst thing you can possibly do to your partner. This myth leaves no room for the possibility of growthful and constructive open sexual lifestyles.

It is cruel and insensitive to interpret an affair as a symptom of sickness in the relationship, as it leaves "cheated-on" partners—who may already be feeling insecure—wondering what is wrong with them. Meanwhile, "cheating" partners get told that they are only trying to get back at their primary partners and don't really want, need, or even like their lovers.

Many people have sex outside their primary relationships for reasons that have nothing to do with any inadequacy in their partner or in the relationship. The new relationship may simply be a natural extension of an emotional and/or physical attraction to someone besides the primary partner. Or perhaps this outside relationship allows a particular kind of connection that the primary partner doesn't even want (such as kinky sex or going to football games) and thus constitutes a solution for an otherwise intractable conflict. Or perhaps it meets other needs—like a need for uncomplicated physical sex without the trappings of relationship or for sex with someone of a gender other than one's partner's or for sex at a time when it is otherwise not available (during travel or a partner's illness, for example).

An outside involvement does not have to subtract in any way from the intimacy you share with your partner unless you let it. And we sincerely hope you won't.

MYTH #8: LOVE CONQUERS ALL.

Hollywood tells us that "love means never having to say you're sorry," and we, fools that we are, believe it. This myth has it that if you're really in love with someone, you never have to argue, disagree, communicate, negotiate, or do any other kind of work. It also tells us that love means we automatically get turned on by our beloved and that we never have to lift a finger or make any effort to deliberately kindle passion. Those who believe this myth may find themselves feeling that their love has failed every time they need to schedule a discussion or have a courteous (or not-so-courteous) disagreement. They may also believe that any sexual behavior that doesn't fit their criteria for "normal" sex—from fantasies to vibrators—is "artificial" and indicates that something is lacking in the quality of their love.

"We encourage you to seek your own truths on your way to slutty bliss."

Steps to a Freer Paradigm

So in this slightly disorienting world of sluthood, in which everything your mom, your minister, your spouse, and your television ever told you is probably wrong, how do you find new beliefs that support your new lifestyle? Letting go of old paradigms can leave you in a scary emptiness, your stomach churning as if you were in free fall. You don't need the old myths, but what will you have instead? We encourage you to seek your own truths on your way to slutty bliss, but just in case you could use a hint or two, the next chapter will contain some of the ones that have worked well for us.

Sluthood: The Next Generation

We are aware that some of the readers of this twentieth-anniversary edition are younger than the book they're perusing. Moreover, some of this new generation of ethical sluts are the children, or even grandchildren, of people who have been experimenting with alternative sexual and relationship styles for decades.

When we talk to folks in their teens and twenties about their sexuality and how it differs from that of previous generations, they cite some issues that we are happy to hear:

• "Consent is a language, and our generation speaks it fluently. Because we speak more openly about issues of abuse and trauma—both in our personal past and our cultural past—we're more aware of triggers and how they work (aided by recent years' improved scientific understanding of the neurophysiology of trauma). We tend to err on the side of caution, choosing to be careful about not impinging on others' triggers."

• "We're much more open to gender fluidity and experimentation with gender. Because we're not too into binary gender, there's also a lot of blurring around the idea of sexual orientation, and the old definitions are morphing into a general category of ' _queer_ ness.' "

• " _Ecosex_ is the new paradigm for many people our age: taking the Earth as our powerful lover and treating her huge energies with gentleness and respect."

• "We're more aware of issues of intersectionality, the ways that different categories of historical oppression affect one another. We see many traditional ways of approaching oppression as potentially problematic: for example, traditional feminism and traditional gay liberation may not recognize the issues of people of color. We're also much more sensitive to issues of cultural appropriation."

• "Because we're a post-AIDS generation, we've decentered penile penetration as 'real' sex and are interested in developing our skills in **_outercourse_** and other low-risk behaviors. On the other hand, we look at the generation that lived through AIDS, and it seems that their lives were deepened and made more spiritual by that awful struggle. We haven't had to deal with anything like that, and it makes us very different."

• "We look at older politicians who are trying to ban abortion, restrict birth control, and outlaw sex work, and it just doesn't make any sense to us. Our bodies are our own, and only we should get to decide what happens to our own body. We see the controlling of bodies as fundamental to capitalism and that taking the locus of control back into ourselves will help us join together to overturn patriarchy and capitalism for a more humane way of life."

• "We've grown up in a world where no consensual sexual or relationship behavior is considered 'wrong.' We've seen _kinky_ , queer, and poly families on television and in the newspapers, and we want to live in a way that empowers us to try a little bit of everything, keeping what works for now and leaving ourselves open to other options in the future."

Your authors are thrilled to anticipate the brave new world that will be created by this new generation of explorative and self-aware people.


Input:
    1. Q: What is the title of the chapter and what is it about?
A: The chapter is called "Our Beliefs" and it discusses the ethical principles and values that guide the authors' approach to their own sexuality and relationships. The authors believe in treating people well and avoiding causing harm, and they value consent, honesty, and respect. They also believe that sexual choices can have ramifications and that it is important to recognize and address those ramifications in a conscious and responsible way.
2. Q: What are some of the specific beliefs discussed in the chapter?
A: Some of the specific beliefs discussed in the chapter include the importance of consent, the value of honesty, the recognition of the ramifications of sexual choices, and the importance of respect for others' feelings. The authors also discuss the idea that sexual energy is pervasive and that sex is not a discrete, definable activity but rather something that is part of everything.
3. Q: How do the authors define sex?
A: The authors define sex as whatever the people engaging in it think it is. They believe that sex is part of everything and that it can be found in all sorts of activities and experiences, not just those that are traditionally considered sexual.
4. Q: What is the authors' stance on self-denial?
A: The authors believe that self-denial is not a healthy or positive value, and that pleasure is a good thing that is beneficial for individuals and for the world. They argue that puritanical values can lead to shame, self-loathing, and fear, and that happy, free, guiltless connection is the cure for these wounds.
5. Q: What is the authors' stance on the need for a reason to have sex?
A: The authors believe that there is no need for a reason to have sex, and that pleasure is a complete and worthwhile goal in and of itself. They argue that people have sex because it feels good, and that this is a valid and valuable reason to engage in sexual activity.
6. Q: What is the authors' stance on the purpose of relationships?
A: The authors believe that the purpose of relationships is not necessarily to lead to lifelong pair-bonding, and that all relationships have the potential to teach us, move us, and give us pleasure. They argue that it is important to value relationships for what we value in them, and that all relationships, regardless of their duration, can be valuable and meaningful.
7. Q: Who is the intended audience of the chapter?
A: The intended audience of the chapter is people who are interested in exploring alternative sexualities and in questioning cultural norms around sex and intimacy. The chapter may be of particular interest to people who are interested in polyamory, consensual non-monogamy, or ethical sluthood, or who are looking for ways to celebrate sexuality and pleasure in their own lives.
8. Q: What is the tone of the chapter?
A: The tone of the chapter is positive and empowering. The authors argue that sexuality and pleasure are fundamental forces for good in people's lives and in the world, and that everyone should be free to celebrate their sexuality in the way that works best for them. The chapter encourages readers to question cultural norms around sex and intimacy and to explore alternative sexualities and relationship styles.
9. Q: What is the main argument of the chapter?
A: The main argument of the chapter is that common beliefs and myths about relationships and sexuality can be limiting and unexamined, and that readers should question these beliefs and consider alternative perspectives. The authors argue that sexuality and pleasure are fundamental forces for good in people's lives and in the world, and that everyone should be free to celebrate their sexuality in the way that works best for them. They encourage readers to be open to new experiences and to write their own scripts for their relationships and their lives.

Response:
# 3

# OUR BELIEFS

We are ethical people, ethical sluts. It is very important to us to treat people well and to do our best not to hurt anyone. Our ethics come from our own sense of rightness and from the empathy and love we hold for those around us. It is not okay to hurt another person because then we hurt, too, and we don't feel good about ourselves. We don't want to live in a world where people treat each other with callous disregard.

Ethical slutdom can be a challenging path: we don't have a polyamorous Miss Manners telling us how to do our thing courteously and respectfully, so we have to make it up as we go along. However, being a slut doesn't mean simply doing whatever you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want.

Most of our criteria for ethics are quite pragmatic: Is anyone being harmed? Is there any way to avoid causing that harm? Is anyone feeling hurt? How can we support them? Are there any risks? Is everybody involved aware of those risks and doing what can be done to minimize them?

On the positive side: How much fun is this? What is everybody learning from it? Is it helping someone grow? Is it helping make the world a better place?

First and foremost, ethical sluts value _consent_. When we use this word—and we will, often, throughout this book—we mean an active collaboration for the benefit, well-being, and pleasure of all persons concerned. If someone is being coerced, bullied, blackmailed, manipulated, lied to, or ignored, what is happening is not consensual. And sex that is not consensual is not ethical—period.

Ethical sluts are _honest—_ with ourselves and others. We take time with ourselves to figure out our own emotions and motivations and to untangle them for greater clarity when necessary. Then, setting aside any bashfulness we may feel, we openly share that information with those who need it.

Ethical sluts _recognize the ramifications_ of our sexual choices. We see that our emotions, our upbringings, and the standards of our culture often conflict with our sexual desires. And we make a conscious **commitment** to supporting ourselves and our partners as we deal with those conflicts honestly and honorably.

We do not allow our sexual choices to have an unnecessary impact on those who have not consented to participate. We are _respectful_ of others' feelings, and when we aren't sure how someone feels, we ask.

Ethical sluts recognize the difference between things they can and should control and things they can't. While we sometimes may feel jealous or territorial, we _own those feelings_ , doing our best not to blame or control but asking for the support we need to help ourselves feel safe and cared for.

Don't panic—the rest of this book is about how you can learn to be such a fine sexy grown-up. Your authors are here to help. Here are a few of the ideas and beliefs that have helped us get here and might help you, too.

Rethinking Sex

Are you having sex right now? Yes, you are, and so are we.

Perhaps you're looking around you in bewilderment: You still have your clothing on, and maybe you're sitting in a restaurant or a crowded bus. How could you be having sex?

We think that the question of when you're having sex is actually sort of meaningless. Sexual energy pervades everything all the time; we inhale it into our lungs and exude it from our pores. While it's easy to determine whether or not you're engaging in a particular sexual activity at any given time—neither you nor we are probably having intercourse at this moment—the idea of sex as something set aside, a discrete, definable activity like driving a car, just doesn't hold up very well.

We think erotic energy is everywhere—in the deep breath that fills our lungs as we step out into a warm spring morning, in the cold water spilling over the rocks in a brook, in the creativity that drives us to paint pictures and tell stories and make music and write books, in the loving tenderness we feel toward our friends and relatives and children. In our combined three-quarters of a century of work as sex writers and educators, we've found that the more we learn about sex, the less we know about how to define it, so now we just say the truth as we know it: sex is part of everything.

Right now, we're writing about sex, and you're reading what we have to say about it. You're having sex with us! Was it good for you? It sure has been for us.

More pragmatically, we have had long, intense intimate conversations that felt deeply sexual to us. And we have had intercourse that didn't feel terribly sexual. Our best definition is that sex is whatever the people engaging in it think it is. For some people, spanking is sex. For others, wearing a garter belt and stockings is sex. If you and anybody else involved feel sexual when you eat ice cream sundaes together, that's sex—for you. While this may sound silly now, it's a concept that will come in handy later in this book when we discuss making agreements about our sexual behaviors.

"You're having sex with us! Was it good for you? It sure has been for us."

Denial vs. Fulfillment

Dossie's bachelor's thesis was called "Sex Is Nice and Pleasure Is Good for You." Even if any given person doesn't find sex to be nice for them at this time in their lives, we believe that shame-free access to all sorts of consensual sex is extremely nice for the world in which we all live. This idea is as radical now, in the twenty-first century, as it was back in the 1970s when Dossie first wrote about it.

Our culture places a very high value on self-denial, which is fine when there is hard work to be done. But all too often, those who unapologetically satisfy their desire for pleasure in their utterly free time are seen as immature, disgusting, even sinful. Since we all have desires, puritanical values lead inevitably to self-loathing, hatred of our bodies and our turn-ons, and fear and guilt over our sexual urges.

We see ourselves surrounded by the walking wounded—by people who have been deeply injured by fear, shame, and hatred of their own sexual selves. We believe that happy, free, guiltless connection is the cure for these wounds; we believe that sex and intimacy are vital to people's sense of self-worth, to their belief that life is good.

You Don't Need a Reason

If you walk up to a randomly selected individual and propose that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you, you will probably hear a lot of spluttering, argument, and "yeah-buts"—STDs, unwanted pregnancies, rape, the commodification of sexual desire, and so on. None of these changes the core idea.

There is nothing in the world so terrific that it can't be abused if you're determined to do so: familial connections can be violated, sexual desire can be manipulated. Even chocolate can be abused. Abuse doesn't change the basic wonderfulness of any of these things: the danger lies in the motivation of the abuser, not the nature of the item.

If there were no such thing as sexually transmitted disease, if nobody got pregnant unless they wanted to, if all sex were consensual and pleasurable, how would the world feel about it then? How would _you_ feel? If you look deep inside yourself, you may find bits and pieces of sex-negativism, often hiding behind judgmental words like _promiscuous_ , _hedonistic_ , _decadent_ , and _not productive_.

Even people who consider themselves sex-positive and sexually liberated often fall into a different trap—the trap of rationalizing sex. Releasing physical tension, relieving menstrual cramps, maintaining mental health, preventing prostate problems, making babies, cementing relationships, and so on are all admirable goals, and wonderful side benefits of sex. But they are not what sex is _for_. People have sex because it feels very good, and then they feel good about themselves. Pleasure is a complete and worthwhile goal in and of itself: the worthiness of pleasure is one of the core values of ethical sluthood.

Love and Sex Are the End, Not the Means

Our monogamy-centrist culture tends to assume that the purpose and ultimate goal of all relationships—and all sex—is lifelong pair-bonding, and that any relationship that falls short of that goal has failed.

We, on the other hand, think sexual pleasure can certainly contribute to love, commitment, and long-term stability, if that's what you want. But those are hardly the only good reasons for having sex. We believe in valuing relationships for what we value in them, a seeming tautology that is wiser than it sounds.

A relationship may be valuable simply because it affords pleasure to those involved; there is nothing wrong with sex for sex's sake. Or it might involve sex as a pathway to other lovely things—intimacy, connection, companionship, even love—which in no way changes the basic goodness of the pleasurable sex.

A sexual relationship may last for an hour or two. It's still a relationship: the participants have related to one another—as sex partners, companions, lovers—for the duration of their interaction.

One-night stands can be intense, life enhancing, and fulfilling; so can lifetime love affairs. While ethical sluts may choose to have some kinds of relationships and not others, we believe that all relationships have the potential to teach us, move us, and, above all, give us pleasure.

Dossie remembers an interview with a young flower child back in 1967 who made the most succinct statement of ethical sluthood we've ever heard: "We believe it's okay to have sex with anybody you love, and we believe in loving everybody."

You Are Already Whole

We believe that the fundamental sexual unit is one person; adding more people to that unit may be intimate, fun, and companionable but does not complete anybody. The only thing in this world that you can control is yourself—your own reactions, desires, and behaviors. Thus, a fundamental step in ethical sluthood is to bring your locus of control into yourself, to recognize the difference between what is yours to control and what belongs to other people. With practice, you can become able to complete yourself—that's why we call this "integrity."

When you have built a satisfying relationship with yourself, then you have something of great worth to share with others.

"The only thing in this world that you can control is yourself—your own reactions, desires, and behaviors."

Abundance Is Entirely Available

Many people believe, explicitly or implicitly, that our capacities for love, intimacy, and connection are finite, that there is never enough to go around, and that if you give some to one person, you must be taking some away from another.

We call this belief a "starvation economy." Many of us learned to think this way in childhood, from parents who had insufficient affection or attention for us, so we learned that there is only a limited amount of love in the world and we have to fight for whatever we get, sometimes in cutthroat competition with our siblings.

People who operate from starvation economies can become very possessive about the people, things, and ideas that matter to them. They see the whole world in that limited light, so that anything they get comes from a small pool of "not-enough" and must thus be taken from someone else—and, similarly, anything anyone else gets must be subtracted from them.

It is important to distinguish between starvation economies and real-world limits. Time, for example, is a real-world limit: even the most dedicated slut has only twenty-four hours every day. Love is not a real-world limit: the mother of nine children can love each of them as much as the mother of an only child loves her one.

Our belief is that the human capacity for sex and love and intimacy is far greater than most people think—possibly infinite—and that having a lot of satisfying connections simply makes it possible for you to have a lot more. Imagine what it would feel like to live in an abundance of sex and love, to feel that you had all of both that you could possibly want, free of any feelings of deprivation or neediness. Imagine how strong you would feel if you got to exercise your "love muscles" that much and how much love you would have to give!

Openness Can Be the Solution, Not the Problem

Is sexual adventurousness simply a way to avoid intimacy? Not ordinarily, in our experience. While it is certainly possible to misuse your outside relationships to avoid problems, or to reduce intimacy with your life partner, we do not agree that this pattern is inevitable or even common. Many people, in fact, find that their outside relationships can increase their intimacy with their primary partner by reducing the pressures on that relationship.

This chapter contains some of our beliefs. You get to have beliefs of your own. What matters is not that you agree with us but that you question the prevailing paradigm and decide for yourself what you believe. Exercise your judgment—isn't exercise supposed to make you stronger? Thousands and thousands of ethical sluts are proving every day that the old "everybody knows" myths don't have to be true.

We encourage you to explore your own realities and create your own legend, one that spurs you onward in your evolution, supports you as you grow, and reflects your pride and happiness in all your relationships.

On Love

As our relationships blossom all over the rainbow of possibility, each one may inspire different feelings of love. When we learn to recognize and welcome love as we find it in our hearts and in all of its many and marvelous manifestations—sexual love, familial love, friendly love, passionate love, gentle love, overwhelming love, caretaking love, and millions of others—we discover a river of nourishment that can flow through our lives in a constantly replenishing stream.

But like a real river, this source can contain many currents. The way to feel solid enough to swim in that ever-changing river is to learn to love yourself. Some people believe that to love yourself is selfish and to spend some part of your life focusing on yourself is narcissistic. This question is more easily answered by doing than by thinking. We believe that self-nurturing can get you through hard times and guide you into a loving relationship with yourself. When you follow through with a simple act like comforting yourself with homemade soup, spending time deep in a beloved book, or taking a sweet solitary walk in a beautiful place, then you get an experience of being kind to yourself that can answer all those questions about "What do they mean, love myself?"

Another way of discovering self-love is to go love someone else. If you have a hard time feeling valuable when no one is around to tell you that you are, then why not do something that is valuable to others? Many unhappy sluts with no date this weekend have gone off to serve dinner to the homeless at a local church and come back filled to the brim with good feeling about all the pleasure they were able to give.

Once you have a handle on loving yourself, you can practice sharing that love with others. You've probably been taught to reserve the language of love for when you're feeling overwhelmingly tender and passionate and only for those who have made huge commitments to you. Maybe you've been taught that using the "L-word" implies that you are making some large commitments. Wouldn't it be better to ask ourselves _how_ we love any particular person rather than worrying about whether we do or not?

Imagine how you'd feel if all the people who care about you made a practice of telling you so. Imagine what the world would be like if we allowed ourselves to recognize and acknowledge and communicate all the sweet feelings, to make the little gestures that may not be life changing or passionate but that nevertheless make life worthwhile.