Input:
Title: Public Sex, Group Sex, and Orgies: Exploring the Ethical Slut's Guide to Group Sex and Public Sex Environments

1. Q: What are some reasons why people might be attracted to group sex or orgies?
A: Some people may be attracted to group sex or orgies because they enjoy the feeling of being watched or performing for an audience, the excitement of trying new partners or new sexual activities, or the sense of community and connection that can come from sharing sexual experiences with others.
2. Q: How can going to a sex party present an opportunity for personal growth and challenge?
A: Going to a sex party can present an opportunity for personal growth and challenge because it requires individuals to confront and overcome issues such as stage fright, performance anxiety, and the fear of rejection. It also provides a space for individuals to explore their sexuality and try new things in a supportive and consensual environment.
3. Q: What are some benefits of public sex and group sex environments?
A: Public sex and group sex environments can provide a sense of synergy and excitement as individuals feed off of each other's energy and excitement. They can also offer the opportunity to try out new partners in a safe and supportive environment, and to challenge oneself and move one's sexuality into the open with the support of friends and community.
4. Q: What are some common rules and guidelines for public sex spaces and group sex environments?
A: Common rules and guidelines for public sex spaces and group sex environments include obtaining full, uncoerced, sober consent before engaging in any sexual activity, following safer-sex practices, and respecting the boundaries and limits of others. Many spaces also have strict rules about intoxication and the use of substances.
5. Q: What are some potential benefits of participating in a group sex environment, such as a sex party or orgy?
A: Some potential benefits of participating in a group sex environment include the opportunity to learn new sex acts and skills from others, the chance to challenge oneself and move one's sexuality into the open, and the opportunity to connect with others and build a supportive community around sexuality.
6. Q: What are some common misconceptions about heterosexual nonmonogamy, and what can be learned from the swing community?
A: Some common misconceptions about heterosexual nonmonogamy include the idea that it is inherently sexist or oppressive, or that it is only for people who are not able to form committed relationships. The swing community offers an alternative model of heterosexual nonmonogamy that is based on communication, consent, and respect.
7. Q: What is the etiquette for group sex environments, and how can individuals ensure that they are behaving in a respectful and consensual manner?
A: The etiquette for group sex environments includes respecting the boundaries and limits of others, obtaining clear and enthusiastic consent before engaging in any sexual activity, and following safer-sex practices. Individuals can ensure that they are behaving in a respectful and consensual manner by communicating openly and honestly with their partners, and by being aware of and responsive to their needs and boundaries.
8. Q: What are some common challenges and concerns that individuals may face when attending their first group sex party or orgy, and how can they prepare themselves to navigate these challenges?
A: Some common challenges and concerns that individuals may face when attending their first group sex party or orgy include nervousness, fear of rejection, and concerns about body image. Individuals can prepare themselves to navigate these challenges by doing research and educating themselves about the etiquette and norms of the specific environment they will be attending, by communicating openly and honestly with their partners about their boundaries and expectations, and by taking steps to boost their confidence and self-esteem, such as dressing in clothing that makes them feel attractive and comfortable.

Response:
# 24

# PUBLIC SEX, GROUP SEX, AND ORGIES

Do you want to be an orgy slut? This is a choice. No matter what you might have heard, group sex is not obligatory for open relationships, and we know many fine outrageous sluts who don't attend orgies or host three-ways and four-ways in their homes. We also know monogamous couples who frequent public sex environments for the sheer pleasure of playing with each other in a special and sexy place, complete with an appreciative audience.

If you have ever had a fantasy of being made love to by five people, or having an extra pair of hands to make love with, or having lots of hot people to get impulsive with, or performing before an audience that will thrill to your thrashing and screaming in delight…in other words, if you are attracted to the idea of sex parties, this chapter is for you. Here we will tell you what you need to know to have a good time and deal with any difficulties that might come up.

We believe that it is a fundamentally radical political act to de-privatize sex. So much oppression in our culture is based on shame about sex: the subjugation of women, the different but still harmful cultural mandates for men, the othering of cultural minorities and sexual minorities. All these kinds of oppression are instituted in the name of protecting the family, as if families had nothing to do with sex. We have all been taught, one way or another, that our desires, our bodies, and our sexualities are shameful. What better way to defeat oppression than to get together in communities and celebrate the wonders of sex?

"It is a fundamentally radical political act to de-privatize sex."

Going to a sex party presents an exciting challenge. It's an opportunity to stretch and grow as you deal with stage fright, performance anxiety, and the wonderful and scary tension of planning and getting ready for elaborate sex in an intensely sexual environment. Everyone is nervous, and the shared vulnerability adds to the arousal. We love the giddy feeling of conquest when we succeed in overcoming all these obstacles and creating a hot sexual encounter. There's not a lot of room for prudery and shame at an orgy, and when we play in a group of people, we get powerful reinforcement that sex is good and beautiful and that we are hot and sexy people.

Why Public Sex?

Your authors both enjoy public sex and regularly attend play parties, environments in which people gather to enjoy a wide variety of sex and eroticism with each other. We feel a synergistic kind of arousal when everybody else's excitement feeds our own, and we feel connected to and turned on by all this happy sex that is going on around us.

Group sex offers the chance to try out new partners in a safe environment, surrounded by our friends—we even get the opportunity to check out a person we might be turned on by while they make love with someone else. Group sex offers the opportunity to challenge ourselves, move our sexuality out into the open with lots of support in getting past the fears and bashfulness and lots of friendly people to applaud our ecstasies.

In a group sex environment we can learn new sex acts with plenty of support: we can watch someone else actually doing a form of sex that we have previously only seen in our fantasies, and we can ask them, when they're through, how they do that. We learned many of our safer-sex skills at orgies, where barriers are de rigueur and there is support for maintaining everybody's safety and well-being. Most public sex spaces provide condoms, rubber gloves, and whatever else you may need to play safe.

Play parties can help you get over a bad body image. As we have pointed out before, people enjoy sex at all ages and in all kinds of bodies, and at any orgy you will see them doing it. One good way to prepare for your first adventure at an orgy is to visit a nude beach or hot spring, if you never have before, to see what real people look like without clothes and to experience being naked in public yourself. You'll start to see beauty in a lot of bodies that don't look anything like what you see in magazines or porn—this may be a good time to repeat the "Airport Game" exercise (this page) you learned in chapter 19, "Making Connection"—and there's a lot of sensual delight to the feeling of warm sun and gentle breezes on all the parts of your body.

It is amazing to us to think, after many years of practicing sex in public, that most people have never had a chance to watch another person enjoy sex. We worry about them—it seems like a terrible deprivation. We remember what it was like when we worried about whether we looked foolish with our legs up in the air and our faces screwed up in an ecstatic scream. You will feel much better about how you look, how you perform, and who you are when you have a chance to see real people having real sex. You will learn that everyone is beautiful when they are all turned on; at the sex party, we all get to be stars and shine our brightest.

"It is amazing to us that most people have never had a chance to watch another person enjoy sex."

Party Spaces

Sex clubs are very special environments. Most major cities in the United States boast a delightfully wide choice of orgiastic environments to choose from. There are party spaces for women only, men only, couples, BDSM enthusiasts, and lovers of drag and costumery, and parties that specialize in just about every sexual practice you can think of—and some that have to be seen to be believed. You may want to check out cuddle parties (sometimes called snuggle parties) for some new ideas about getting together and perhaps a safer introduction to connecting in groups: at such parties, everyone wears pajamas and snuggles to explore intense closeness, without taking it on into actual sex. Other cities host Masturbate-a-Thons, where everybody seeks sponsors for their group self-loving, raising money for a sex-positive charity.

Parties may be openly advertised to the public, advertised only in newsletters or at support groups, or be private and by invitation only. There are public clubs, like the gay men's baths, that are open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week; and there are smaller spaces, perhaps an adapted basement recreation room, where the owners host parties once or twice a month. Other congenial groups sponsor small private gatherings in their members' living rooms.

Many cities boast party houses, where one or two levels of a building have been dedicated to social areas and playrooms for partying. Party houses may rent space to private groups, who might host a party once a month or so for their particular guest list.

All party spaces are extremely careful about making sure that everybody in attendance has given full, uncoerced, sober consent to whatever they end up doing. The forms you may sign on the way in will tell you what the rules are for that particular space, whether you have to ask before doing so much as putting a hand on a shoulder, or whether the recipient is expected to say, "No thanks" to any undesired touch—if you're not sure, find one of the people in charge of the party and ask them what the rules are. Most spaces also have strict rules about intoxication: some allow some use of intoxicants but will throw you out if you appear intoxicated; others don't allow intoxicants at all. It's important to remember that these spaces can only go on doing their fabulous work if everybody feels safe enough to participate, and the only way that can happen is if everybody is able to say no to what they don't want and confident that they will have that "no" listened to.

The first group sex parties that Dossie attended were held in a communal flat in San Francisco, under the presiding genius of Betty Dodson. Those who lived there were all dedicated to feminism, gay liberation, and sexual liberation, and their commune was a conscious experiment to radically change the conditions in which we can enjoy sex. They took out all the doors and furniture, making the loft space upstairs into one unbroken room. On a typical day, you could find several people on the deck sunbathing nude, some others organizing dinner, two more playing chess, a couple fucking, and another person across the room vibrating their way to their own orgasm. There were larger parties three or four times a year, full of people making love in groups, in twos, or singly, with lots of massage, and tantric practitioners chanting "Ommmm" in tune with the ever-present hum of vibrators. This space was private, available only to the friends and lovers of the six or seven people who lived there, all of whom had lots of friends and lovers.

Public sex environments, whether they're large public clubs or small party houses, have the common function of providing an agreeable space in which you can be sexual. Although the decor and furnishings of group sex environments vary as widely as the human sexual imagination, there are basics that you will find in most party spaces. There will be a door person to check you in, and you may be asked to sign a waiver of liability and/or a confidentiality agreement. There will be a social area, with places to sit and talk and meet people, usually with a small buffet of snacks and beverages. Sex does not usually take place in the social area, so if you're feeling shy you can hang out there until you work up your courage. There will be lockers or coat racks or shelves or some place where you can put your street clothes and electronics (many party spaces either ask you to leave your phone behind or place a small square of tape over your camera lens), then either change into party costume or simply disrobe. Some parties are mostly naked; others feature a dazzling array of costumes for every sexual fantasy. There may be provisions for cleanliness, including bathrooms and showers. Then there will be one or more playrooms.

Playrooms vary from tiny cubicles, often set up in mazes, with a small bed just big enough to fuck on, to large rooms with mirrored walls and upholstered floors for puppy piles, group gropes, and other orgiastic activities. There may be hot tubs, steam rooms, and gardens for you to cruise and relax in. There may be an area for dancing. There is almost always music with a very strong beat to wake up your natural rhythm and to give a sense of aural privacy so you won't be distracted by your neighbor's heavy breathing or squeals of delight. The lights will be low and often red or orange so we all can look a little tan and perhaps a little sexier. There may be rooms with furniture, imaginatively designed to have sex on, like medical examining tables or slings, mirrored beds or dungeons for kinky fantasies, or perhaps a giant waterbed for those who like to make waves.

In recent years, hotels that host conferences for various groups celebrating their lifestyles have been allowing party spaces, even dungeons, to be built in their ballrooms for the guests to enjoy. These parties are run by the conference and usually staffed by helpful conference volunteers with cooperation from the hotel staff to keep the space private. Hotels tend to like our conferences—we don't drink too much, we are polite to the staff, we tip well, and we wear great outfits. Talk about the radical political act of de-privatizing sex! Major hotel chains now have policies about play parties, policies that support us—yay!

Play party spaces tend to form communities. People try out the various parties in their area and usually return to one or two groups that they find congenial. As people get to know each other and share the special intimacy of sexual connection, they often become friends and form extended families. It is not unusual to find a sex party club hosting a benefit for a member who has had an accident or a major illness. These are communities, and communities take care of their own.

Swinging

Heterosexuals, who may be more susceptible than others to the pressures of gender-role-based and monogamy-centrist expectations, have nevertheless made their own spaces and culture of public sex. In the past, nonmonogamous heterosexual interactions were called _wife-swapping_ , a term with a built-in sexist bias that we find offensive. Today, heterosexuals seeking no-strings sex outside a primary relationship often seek out the swing community. These groups are well worth looking at for what they have to teach us about how heterosexual men and women can interact outside the confines of the "shoulds" of mainstream, monogamous culture.

_Swinging_ is a broad term that gets used to define a wide variety of interactions, ranging from long-term two-couple sexual pairings through the wildest of Saturday-night puppy-pile orgies. Swingers are primarily heterosexual; although female bisexuality is common, male bisexuality is frowned upon in some swing communities—although this is beginning to shift, and we hear from a lot more men who proudly name themselves bi. Swingers are most often coupled and are often more mainstream in their politics, lifestyles, and personal values than other kinds of sluts. Some swing communities confine themselves to sexual interactions and discourage emotional connections outside primary couples, while others encourage all forms of romantic and sexual intimacy.

Swinging has offered many a heterosexual woman her first opportunity to explore greedy and guilt-free sexuality—in fact, we often hear of women who attend their first swing party very reluctantly, their second one hesitantly, and their subsequent ones avidly. We also like the sophistication with which many swing communities have evolved patterns of symbols and behavior to communicate sexual interest without intrusiveness (one now-defunct Bay Area swing club used to have a fascinating code of opening doors and windows to communicate, variously, "Keep away," "Look but don't touch," or "Come on in and join us").

Group Sex Etiquette

We know they didn't teach you in school how to behave at an orgy, and we bet your mother didn't teach you either.

There is a particular etiquette needed for public sex environments, because everyone in them has let down some of their customary boundaries to get closer to each other. Social boundaries usually serve the purpose of keeping people at a predictable distance, so we all feel safe in our own personal space. Group sex poses the challenge of figuring out how to feel safe and comfortable while getting up close and very intimate with a whole bunch of presumably nice, sexy people—so new boundaries must be developed, learned, and respected so that everyone can feel safe enough to play.

Many party houses show you a list of rules as you come in or post them on the wall. Read them. Most places specify the level of safer-sex precautions they require, and provide condoms, gloves, lubricants, dental dams, and so on. Even if you and your partner are fluid-bonded, you may be asked, or feel it is polite, to use barriers in a public environment. Ethical sluts obey the rules of the parties they choose to attend, regardless of their customs at home.

Confidentiality is mandatory in all group sex environments. If you recognize someone in the supermarket that you fondled at the orgy the night before, smile and nod and move on; they might be shopping with their mother. If you know that someone uses a different name in sexual space than they do in the outside world, be ultra-careful about using the proper name for the space in which you encounter them. And sharing the story of the wonderful scene you had last night with Joe, without getting Joe's consent, is both unethical and a great way to get yourself permanently booted out of the space that made that wonderful scene possible.

Responsibility in voyeurism is a must. You may watch what people do in public places but always from a respectful distance. If the participants are aware of your presence, you are too close. Whether or not it is okay to masturbate while watching varies from place to place, but it's always polite to keep your own excitement discreet enough that you don't distract the good folks who are putting on such a nice show—they probably aren't doing it for you, anyway. Also be aware that when you are close to people who are playing, they can hear you—this is not an appropriate place to tell your friend all about how awful your boss is or about your recent experiences at the proctologist.

The boundary between social/talk space and play space is very important—when you enter play space, you enter into a different state of consciousness that tends to get you out of your intellect and into your body very quickly. Too much talking in play space can yank you back into everyday, verbal, nonsexual awareness.

Cruising is active but must not be intrusive. Ideally, a respectful request receives a respectful response, which means it's okay to ask, and if the answer is "No, thank you," that is okay, too. Remember, people who come to orgies are pretty sophisticated, and they are here because they know what they want. If that person you found attractive doesn't want to play with you right now, take it easy and find someone else. Pestering anyone at a sex party is unspeakably rude and will quickly earn you an invitation to the outside world.

Cruising at group sex parties is not that different from elsewhere, although perhaps more honest and to the point. Usually, you start with introducing yourself as a person: "Hi, I'm Dick, what's your name?" is way preferable to "Hi, do you like my big dick?" People will talk for a bit, flirt a little, and then ask quite directly, "Would you like to play with me?" When the answer is yes, negotiation follows: "What do you like to do? Is there anything you don't like? Let's check that we both mean the same thing by safer sex, and by the way, I have this fantasy…."

"Remember, people who come to orgies are pretty sophisticated, and they are here because they know what they want."

How It Works

Just to get you started thinking about what it might feel like to attend your first sex party, here's a true-life story from someone who had an amazing adventure:

> June had never been to a play party before. That's evidently what they call orgies in California, she mused. Well, at least it's a lesbian orgy. How on earth, she wondered, did I come to be the guest of honor at an orgy?
>
> Actually, she knew how it came about. She was visiting her dear friend Flash in San Francisco, and Flash announced that she had the use of a house in the country for the weekend, and she wanted to throw a party and introduce June to her friends. Sounds like fun, thought June…and then Flash began to talk about having a Chick Rite to celebrate the advent of spring by setting up mattresses and safer-sex supplies in the middle of the living room.
>
> June had argued, but Flash talked her into it, pointing out that she didn't have to actually have sex with anybody if she didn't want to. June finally said okay, adding that if she couldn't stand it, she would hike down to the local coffeehouse with a book. So Flash went on setting up the house for the convenience of sexual pleasure, and June hid in the kitchen making dip, one party function that she at least understood.
>
> As the guests began to arrive, June began to wonder whether she'd be able to stay at this event. She was introduced to a parade of the most outrageous dykes she'd ever seen, femmes and butches like birds in bright plumage, sporting exotic garments designed to display a gallery of tattoos, gleaming here and there with jewelry set in body parts that June did not want to think about. And they were all so young! June felt the full weight of her forty-eight years. She figured you can't go wrong being polite, so she said the same how-do-you-dos she would anywhere else, wondering how she'd respond if one of these enthusiastic orgiasts actually told her how she _did_ do.
>
> In, at last, came a couple of women of unabashed middle age. One of them, Carol, was a dead ringer for June's Great-Aunt Mary, if Great-Aunt Mary had ever chosen to dress in high butch gear complete with boots and cowboy hat. June felt relieved to have found one woman she could relate to. Then Carol smiled a dazzling smile and announced that she would like to put her hand in June's cunt.
>
> June, swallowing a gasp but resolutely polite, said that she didn't really feel quite ready for that, and Carol replied cheerily, "Okay, then, I'll check in with you later." Great Goddess, thought June, there's no escape. June knew about fisting, had learned to do it with a lover who liked it, knew it was safe when done properly—but it seemed an odd way to get acquainted with someone whose name she'd only learned in the last half hour.
>
> Then Lottie came in—close to June's age, but not dressed like it. Lottie's obviously dyed, flaming red curls set off a black chiffon dress through which could be clearly seen long black stockings, a black leather corset, and a great deal of voluptuous pale flesh. How does she balance on those heels, June wondered, as Lottie hugged, kissed, and chatted her way through the progressively less clothed mass of partygoers. June overheard Lottie thanking various women for their participation in a previous orgy held in celebration of Lottie's fiftieth birthday. Do these people ever get together and _not_ have sex, wondered June.
>
> Puppy piles began to form on the floor in front of the couch where June was sitting—untidy heaps of women necking and petting, smiling and laughing, Lottie and Carol conspicuously among them. June decided to retreat to the deck, where she could perhaps soak out her terror in the hot tub.
>
> The hot tub was quieter, and June managed to chat with a few women and began feeling a little more comfortable. Then Lottie reappeared. Off came the dress, the stockings, the shoes—June found herself wondering if she could see Lottie's pussy and instantly wondered if anyone else had noticed her looking. Lottie slipped into the warm water and immediately asked June if she would rub her neck, because it felt stiff. "Sure," June heard herself say, "I'd be happy to." Oh, no, she thought, what have I let myself in for?
>
> Lottie's skin felt warm and silky under her fingers, and June rubbed and soothed. June felt relaxed by the rhythm of massage and reassured as Lottie conversed about perfectly normal things: her work and June's, their philosophies of life, June's Buddhism, Lottie's paganism. Eventually, Lottie's neck relaxed, and the hot tub began to feel too warm, and Lottie brightly suggested they find out what was going on inside. She climbed out of the tub, pulled on her stockings and heels, and darted back indoors. Holy Minerva, thought June, can I follow her in there? No, she decided firmly, I can't. June found a table in a corner on the patio and determinedly admired the stars.
>
> Lottie, meanwhile, was finding she had a thing or two to think about as well. In the living room, her friends were happily disporting themselves on couches, in armchairs, and in front of the fire, but Lottie was thinking about June. What is it about her that turns me on so much? Does she like me? Will she play with me? Doesn't look like she's used to playing at parties—ah, well, there's always a first time. Now where did that girl go?
>
> Lottie scanned the living room, but there was no June to be found. The living room was actually pretty interesting, and Lottie contemplated giving up the chase and finding a friend to play with, but intrigue triumphed. She made her way toward the kitchen, stepping over various happy people here and lingering there to appreciate some particularly exciting activity. Pausing to check out the dip and replenish her blood sugar, Lottie looked out the window and there was June, hiding out on the patio.
>
> Lottie arranged a few goodies on a plate and trotted outside to share them with June. But, although they were chatting quite amiably, Lottie felt she wasn't connecting. Her most flirtatious sallies were met with no response whatsoever: June, petrified, would only breathe deep and consciously hold as still as she could. Lottie, frustrated, decided on the direct approach. "I think you're really attractive. Would you like to play with me? What sort of things do you like to do?" June, cornered again, stammered, "I don't think I'm ready to have sex in public, so sorry."
>
> Just then, Carol, still wearing her boots although she seemed to have lost her shirt somewhere, sauntered up to the table and sat down. While June wondered how she could disappear into the bushes without appearing gauche, Lottie greeted Carol by placing her thigh—which Carol, being a woman who knew how to act, promptly stroked and admired—in Carol's lap. Lottie, not out of revenge but simply from a desire not to waste a perfectly good party, asked Carol: "How's your dance card tonight? Got room for me?"
>
> Carol asked what was her fancy, and Lottie suggested that she had a yen for a sensitive fist, and Carol said she would be happy to oblige but first needed to check with Susie about a plan they had for later. Both happily started off, and June was left to herself. Was she relieved, she wondered? Well…not exactly. But she was curious enough to follow Carol into the living room to see what would happen next.
>
> A few minutes later, Lottie was surprised to see Carol and June both sitting in the window seat, backs to the sides, feet in the middle. Lottie, never slow to leap on opportunity, sashayed across the room, climbed up on both pairs of feet, and proclaimed, "Here I am!" Carol, well versed in the ways of femmes, called for gloves and lube and firmly pushed Lottie into June's lap: "Will you hold her for me, please?" And next thing, there she was, holding Lottie's gently squirming body. Amazing, thought June, just amazing. She got a good grip on Lottie, took a deep breath, and off she went on the ride.
>
> June concentrated on keeping up a good front and trying not to notice several smiling women who had settled down to watch the action on the window seat, while Carol competently went to work to turn Lottie on, lube her up, and get her off. Omigod, thought June, how am I going to get through this? I'm touching this woman's breast and I hardly know her. Maybe, she thought, I can pretend this is someone I've already made love with.
>
> Lottie had braced her foot over Carol's shoulder against the window frame and was energetically pushing herself down on Carol's hand. She let out a big groan as the hand slipped in, and they both started fucking hard and loud. June had all she could do to prevent Lottie from writhing out of her grip and falling onto the floor. Lottie finally came—loudly, noticed June, very loudly—and June noticed she hadn't breathed for a while and took a big gasping breath. All three let their bodies go limp on the window seat and invested a few moments in just feeling good.
>
> Reality eventually asserted itself. Lottie sat up and politely offered to fuck Carol in return. Carol said no, thanks, I already promised Susie, and Lottie and Carol went off in different directions, leaving June alone on the window seat, feeling a bit thunderstruck. I must have fallen into some other universe, marveled June. It was kind of fun, and I think I did okay. But it was still too much. I think I'd better go to sleep.
>
> A day passed. Back at home, Lottie found she could not stop thinking about June. She called Flash and discovered that June had flown out of San Francisco that morning. Two days later, June received this letter:
>
> _Dear June,_
>
> _It's a beautiful morning up on my mountain, the sun is streaming through the redwood trees—yesterday, walking up on the ridge, I saw a huge jackrabbit wandering through a field of tiny bright flowers. If I make your mouth water for the mountains, will you come visit me?_
>
> _Who are you anyway? How, as a Buddhist, do you deal with desire and passion? My spiritual path is about grasping desire and riding it to communion with the Tao. I worry that this might not be acceptable to you: although I am used to being unacceptable to many, I would rather that not be the case with you._
>
> _I really like the connection we made at Flash's. Please write and reveal yourself to me. What are your thoughts about sex, art, nature? I bet you dream up some great bedtime stories._
>
> _I wish you were here—writing to you is making me nervous and I would like a cuddle. As I read over this letter trying to decide how far to go, I realize I have probably already gone too far—oh well, I always do._
>
> _Love,_
>
> _Lottie_

Eight months and approximately three thousand dollars' worth of phone bills later, not to mention a few impulsive airfares, June put all her worldly goods in her truck, Lottie flew out to meet her, and they drove across the Great Divide to a sweet little house in the country, where they lived together for many happy years.

Gender Differences

We live in a society where people learn some pretty warped ideas about sex. Girls learn that they are not supposed to be sexual without falling in love; boys learn that sex is a commodity that you get from another person. Group sex only works when everybody is acknowledged as a person: nobody likes being treated like a means to an end. To avoid such problems, many group sex environments that include both men and women restrict the number of single men who are invited, or insist that no man is welcome without a partner. These requirements are a sad last resort for dealing with an unpleasant reality, and we agree that it is unfair that men of goodwill get penalized for the intrusive behavior of men who evidently don't know any better. But that's how it is, and the only way we are going to change it is to work on our own behavior and teach our friends and lovers what we learn.

"Group sex only works when everybody is acknowledged as a person."

Cruising is different by gender, and those differences become very visible when you compare gay men's environments to lesbian orgies and see how they are similar to and different from hetero or bisexual groups. Gay men seem to feel safer with anonymous sex, and gay male cruising at baths or clubs is often nonverbal. One man might catch another's eye, smile, walk across the room, touch a shoulder, and then embrace, with little or no verbal communication. Lesbians are often more cautious and like to talk for a while before moving into the playroom and getting down.

Women in all group sex environments tend to be less open than men to anonymous sex and to prefer some communication and personal connection first. This respect for caution is probably because women have had serious reasons to feel less than safe around sex with strangers and need some support to feel easy enough to let down their guard. There are no rights and wrongs to this situation—or what wrong there is exists in our history, which we can't very well change.

Transgender people in many environments may feel a need to be cautious: too often people get angry when they are attracted to someone who then turns out to be of some surprising gender. The attraction is probably real; we wish there were no need to freak out about it.

One of the things we like about what transgender and nonbinary people bring into our play parties is the constant experience of posing exceptions to all those pesky rules about gender and presenting interesting examples of how we all can be free to be exactly who we want to be. Everyone of every gender and every orientation has a right to feel safe and free to enjoy sex.

Establishing Consent

Consent is an absolute requirement. Naive people sometimes assume that when two or three or four people are already having sex, it is okay to just join in and start fondling somebody. At most parties it isn't—because you didn't ask and because you don't know what these people want or what their limits are. So you might do the wrong thing, and the people you tried to join will have to stop whatever they are having so much fun doing to deal with you, and they will be justifiably angry. At you.

How are you going to get consent from people in the middle of a hot fuck—tap them on the shoulder and say, "Will you please stop a moment so I can ask if I can join you?" There is just about no way to join a sexual scene that has already started unless you are already lovers with all the people involved, and even then you should be careful. When we wonder whether it's okay to join friends of ours who have already begun to play, we usually watch from a respectful distance until somebody catches our eye and either beckons us over or doesn't. Respect for boundaries, as we have said before, is mandatory if everyone is going to feel safe enough to play freely and without constraint. Don't be the person who makes the environment unsafe.

If you are playing at a party and someone invades your space, you are quite right to tell that person to move away. It is also appropriate to let your host know about intrusive people and pushy come-ons—party hosts develop skills to talk with people about appropriate behavior and explain why the etiquette is as it is, and if the person will not learn, the host has the power to remove that person from the guest list.

Watch Your Expectations

Most people approach their first group sex party in a maelstrom of fears, fantasies, and wild expectations about what might or, worse yet, might not happen. We strongly recommend that you get a grip on yourself, acknowledge that you actually don't know what is going to happen, and go to the party with the expectation that you will be proud of yourself if you manage to walk in the door. If you stay for an hour and watch, you get a gold star. If you manage to introduce yourself to someone and hold a conversation, give yourself a medal of honor.

Going to an orgy is very challenging. Expect to be nervous. Expect to worry. Expect a fashion crisis, and allow at least two hours to get dressed. Helpful hint: build your outfit from materials that feel sensual—silk, leather, latex—so you feel sensuous, too. Avoid fragile antiques or pricey designer clothes if you want to fuck in them. Dress to feel hot, look good, and be comfortable—it's bad enough to have your stomach churning; you don't need your shoes pinching.

"Expect a fashion crisis."

Many parties have an arrival window and specify when doors open and when they close. Otherwise, all these nervous people will arrive late after spending hours working up their courage and their outfits, and the party hosts will never get any time to play.

If this is your first party, take it easy on yourself. Promise yourself, and your companions, that you will leave if anyone gets too uncomfortable. Establish a signal, perhaps a hand on the elbow, to let them know that you need a private place to talk or that you need support. Use another signal to communicate to them that you'd like to leave soon, with the understanding that someone who's happily cruising or flirting or fooling around may need some time to wrap up whatever's going on.

Go with the goal of making a few acquaintances and getting familiar with the scene and your reactions to it. If you do get inspired to play and find someone who wants to play with you, that's fine, and if you don't, that's fine, too. Always remember that this is your first party, potentially the first of many. You don't need to accomplish a lifetime of fantasies tonight; you have the rest of your life to do that. You just need to take your first steps.

Couples and Groups at the Orgy

Deal with your existing relationships before you go to the party. This is important. Are you going together to show off your incredible sexiness? Are you cruising for someone to make love with both, or all, of you? Or are you going as separate individuals, to meet people and share sex with them? If one of you connects with a hot number, are the others invited to join in? Do you need anyone's agreement before you play with someone new? If you need to pause in a flirtation to check in with your existing relationships, experienced sluts will admire your thoughtfulness and integrity. Are you committed to going home together, or is it okay for someone to sleep out, and if everyone wants to, what about the babysitter? The reason you decide all this in advance is that it is way too ugly to have a disagreement about this sort of thing in public, where if you do disagree, you are likely to feel embarrassed and angry and make a big unhappy mess.

Two friends of ours got locked in a disagreement about going to sex parties. They both wanted to go, but one wanted to go and play with the other, and the other wanted to play the field. What to do? Well, there are parties at least once a month around here, so they decided to go one month as a couple to do things together, and the next to support each other in separate cruising, each acting as the other's **wingman** to help direct hot numbers toward each other.

We like to watch couples make love at parties—you can see the intimacy, and how well they know each other's ways, how beautifully they fit together, how exquisitely orchestrated lovemaking can become with years of practice. We like it as a fine experience for the voyeur and because we can learn a lot from watching people who are experts on each other. Showing off your wondrous beauty together is excellent advertising for the next time, when you come to the party ready to welcome new partners.

Play parties can also offer you the opportunity to process fears and jealousies. How does it feel to watch someone you love have sex with another person? Is it really awful? You might be surprised to find yourself feeling pretty neutral, like "Gee, I thought that would bother me but actually it doesn't!" You might like the chance to observe a lover, how powerful they look when they thrust, how fierce they look when they come. It might even turn you on. There is definitely arousal to be found in taking risks. Some find that group sex can rev up their sex life at home by providing a lot of stimulus, new ideas to try out, and the motivation and energy to make their home life as hot as an orgy.

Buttons and Biases

Expect to get your buttons pushed. Expect to discover your biases. At a group sex party, you will share unprecedented intimacy with a bunch of strangers, and sometimes that will be difficult. You might start into a three-way that includes a person of a gender new to you, which seems like a hot idea but might turn out to push some buttons. Yeah, we know, you set out to both make love to your partner, but there you are, with this new person, being sexual, and probably in physical contact, and how does that feel?

We like to attend pansexual group sex parties, which means that attendees may identify as gay or lesbian or bisexual or hetero or transgender or whatever, but are generally comfortable and happy to play side by side with people whose desires and identities may be entirely different from their own. We are always running into issues about the unfamiliar: the lesbian who has never been naked in the presence of men; the gay man who fears judgment from women or violence from straight men; the trans woman who gets to wonder whether that person who is so attracted to her knows what she's got under her skirt, and do they care, and if they care, what are they going to do?

Whatever your prejudices are—the people at this party are too old, too young, too male, too female, too queer, too straight, too fat, too thin, too white, too ethnic, whatever—it really is good for you to learn to get bigger than your biases—sexy, too.

Everything Embarrassing You Never Thought of Doing in Public

In our fantasies, we all come together as smoothly as Fred and Ginger, carried away by the music on a rising tide of passion—and sometimes it will be like that. But you probably will need to practice first, just like Fred and Ginger. Your erection might refuse to cooperate as you near the moment of truth, especially when you suddenly remember you need to put a condom on it. Orgasm might be more difficult to focus on in a noisy environment with an unfamiliar partner. What if you set out to play with someone and you can't find your turn-on?

If you find yourself internally panicking, we encourage you to breathe. Slow down. Remember that this is not the Olympics. You have nothing to prove—you and your new friend are setting out to do things that feel good with your bodies. Touch feels good. Stroking feels good. Taking time feels good. Slow down enough so that you can truly feel what you are doing. Worrying about the future will not help you get there: focus on what you are feeling in the present. Erections and orgasms might come, might go, but you can never go wrong by doing what feels good.

The noise and hectic energy of a party can lead people to rush, when slowing down would be a better way to connect with your turn-on. Different people are turned on in very different ways. A very important kind of self-knowledge will come in handy at these times: know what turns you on. Whether it's biting on the neck or sucking on the backs of knees, when you know what gets your juices flowing, you can ask for it, and then your play partner will know what turns you on and feel freer to tell you what turns them on, and before you know it, there you all are, completely turned on and floating down the river of unbridled lust.

The Terrifically Gay Tradition of Political Activism and Communal Ideals

All of us who qualify as sexual minorities become, in many ways, outcasts from the mainstream culture. When we need to maintain a closet at work, and our families won't let us bring two partners to Thanksgiving dinner, and we are not welcome at the church we grew up in unless we pretend to be "normal," then we lose access to the support of our families, our religions, our communities. Gay men have evolved a clear answer to this problem: banding together to build communities of their own. Dossie lived in these communities for three decades. (Janet wanted to, desperately, but was busy being a heterosexual, vanilla, monogamously married mom at the time.)

Please note that language that was used back then was very different from today's terminology—our concepts about gender and orientation have changed, often because of the people we are writing about here. Also, we write mostly about San Francisco because it is the community we know best.

The pioneers of queer culture have often been the most visibly different and thus the most oppressed members of gay communities—those for whom closets are not possible. In the late 1950s, two remarkable men from opposite ends of the gender spectrum began building the culture we take for granted today. Remember, this was the era when even wearing garments of the "wrong" gender often carried a criminal penalty, and actually getting caught having same-sex relations could land you a long stretch in jail (among others of your own sex, go figure).

In the late 1950s, a female impersonator (drag queen) named José Sarria got tired of getting harassed, beat up, and arrested, so he took to the streets in outrageous costumes for fierce political activism. The police raided his parties, so he hired good lawyers and fought back. Eventually he established a "beauty contest" in which men vied for the titles of Empress and Emperor of San Francisco. If you won such a title, you were expected to give a year of your life to organizing gatherings of your communities as fund-raisers for major charities, so queer reputations were improved in the wider community by their ability to raise cash having fun. The Imperial Courts are now found in cities all around the world, still fighting for all of our freedom by gathering together in outrageous visibility, in numbers too large to challenge, to throw a huge party and raise money for charity. Sarria is fondly remembered for gathering all his fans at closing time on the sidewalk across the street from the police station, singing their anthem "God Bless Us Nellie Queens"—check him out on YouTube.

Meanwhile, in Chicago, Chuck Renslow, a gay photographer and publisher of physique magazines featuring images of nude and near-nude men, went public when he opened a leather bar in 1959 called the Gold Coast. He established a similar annual contest that would become International Mr. Leather, one of the largest events in the city of Chicago. Dungeons are built in hotel ballrooms, huge charitable donations are raised, and for one weekend, every hotel and every street in the city is filled with happy people in high leather drag.

By the late 1960s, the Summer of Love had opened a whole lot of minds to the possibility that there might be a freer world in the future, including the yummy possibility of freedom of expression in sex and gender. Some outrageously queer sluts built astonishing institutions in that era of communal living, spiritual traveling, and political activism. The Kaliflower Commune put out a weekly newsletter, hand-delivered to all the communes of the Bay Area. The Angels of Light, pioneers of the gender-bending movement, ran food conspiracies and performed genderfuck street theater. The Cockettes put on staged shows and toured internationally.

By the late '60s there were parades, with bears and butches and drag queens in bright plumage, opening up a world of possibilities of what men and women of all orientations could explore. These gender-benders represented the cutting edge of gay liberation, culminating in the Stonewall Rebellion of 1969, in which transgender folk—drag queens and butches—fought back against police harassment and violence.

Community development continued into the 1970s: buildings were bought, businesses created. The development of the Castro in San Francisco and similar districts in other cities spearheaded a new freedom that allowed visibly queer people, for the first time, to find jobs and rent apartments without needing to live in disguise. And 1970 saw the beginnings of what would become San Francisco Gay Pride, a hugely popular event that eventually became the triumphal march through San Francisco that we celebrate today, again creating a platform for political activism and fundraising for charity while throwing one enormous party.

Toward the end of the 1970s, the gay community, outcast from conventional churches, stepped up to create their own. The Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) was founded by Baptist preacher Troy Perry in 1968 to welcome LGBTQ worshipers of all denominations. There are presently 222 Metropolitan Community Churches around the world, in thirty-seven countries. In 1978 the Order of Perpetual Indulgence was founded, known for their outrageous parodies of nun's habits and amusing "saint" names like Sister Missionary Position and Sister Frieda Peeples. A Sister must pass through serious stages of initiation as a postulant and a novice before taking vows. The Order sees the Sisters as dedicating their lives to charity, education, political street theater, and generally helping people. The Sisters worked tirelessly throughout the 1980s to educate the public about safer sex and provide support to those afflicted with AIDS. The Radical Faeries also emerged around 1979, creating a uniquely queer spiritual practice. Faeries formed "sanctuaries" by purchasing undeveloped land and creating campgrounds and cabins, inviting everyone else in to celebrate the Grand Sabbaths, and generating a culture that fit for them. There are now eight Faerie sanctuaries in the United States and more in other countries.

As the AIDS epidemic unfolded, far too many of these brave and beautiful gay men became horribly sick; hundreds of thousands died in the United States alone. Once again, the gay community rolled up its elegant sleeves and went to work. The SF AIDS Foundation became the first of many, as the community realized it needed its own social services to ensure loving treatment of our sick members. AIDS activists spurred government investment in research and protested until adequate treatment centers were opened. In 1984, the Folsom Street Fair became an annual festival of happy far-out sexualities. Defiantly colorful in the face of so much grimness, they collected money for charities (of course): now the charities were our own institutions.

Current statistics show San Francisco Pride and the Folsom Street Fair as California's second- and third-largest public gatherings. From the seeds planted by José Sarria and Chuck Renslow, these enormous and life-changing events and communities bloomed, and continue to flower: a great symbol of the growing power and strength of the queer community, the support systems they have created for themselves, and their increasing acceptance among the world at large. Fifty years ago, we used to start protest marches by dancing down the sidewalks chanting, "Out of the closet and into the street!" Our activism started on the street and has gone on to change many lives and many, many minds.


Input:
Title: A Slut Utopia: Envisioning a World Beyond Opposites and Limitations

1. Q: What is the concept of binaries, and how do they impact our thinking and behavior?
A: Binaries refer to pairs of opposites, such as black and white, male and female, or right and wrong. These pairs are often seen as being in opposition to each other, with one being viewed as the "right" way and the other as the "wrong" way. This kind of thinking can dominate our courts, politics, and social discourse, and can result in negative consequences such as discrimination and oppression.
2. Q: How can the concept of binaries impact our views on love and relationships?
A: The concept of binaries can lead us to believe that there is only one "right" way to love or be in a relationship, and that anything different must be opposed or invalid. This can result in limiting beliefs such as the idea that we can only love one person at a time, or that we can only express love in certain ways.
3. Q: What is an alternative to the concept of binaries?
A: An alternative to the concept of binaries is to value whatever is in front of us without viewing anything as being in opposition to any other thing. This allows us to see the abundance and diversity of ways to be sexual, to love, and to express gender, and to view all of them as valid and valuable.
4. Q: How can embracing this alternative to binaries benefit us?
A: Embracing this alternative to binaries can free our minds and spirits, as well as our bodies, allowing us to be fully conscious of the variety and diversity that exists in the world. It can also help us to see beyond unrealistic perfection and unachievable goals, and to be fully present in the moment.
5. Q: What is the concept of sluthood as a path to transcendence?
A: The concept of sluthood as a path to transcendence refers to the idea that embracing our sexuality and our desires can lead to expanded awareness, spiritual growth, and love beyond imagining. This can be a way of being in the world that allows for freedom, growth, and belonging.
6. Q: What is the vision of utopia presented in the book?
A: The vision of utopia presented in the book is one in which free love, in all its forms, is the foundation of our beliefs about reality, possibility, and staying in the moment while planning for the future. This utopia values individual boundaries and honors each person's unique needs and desires, and allows for the development of an advanced sexuality that is both natural and human.
7. Q: What is the role of ethical sluthood in this utopia?
A: Ethical sluthood plays a key role in this utopia by leading us to respect and honor each individual's boundaries, rather than imposing preconceived rules or expectations on them. This allows for the creation of a world where everyone has plenty of what they need: of community, connection, touch, sex, and love.
8. Q: What is the authors' favorite fantasy for this utopia?
A: The authors' favorite fantasy for this utopia is one in which everyone is free to express love in every possible way, and where no one suffers from shame, embarrassment, or lack of love or sex. They dream of a world where no one is limited by rules that dictate who they can love or how they can express that love, and where everyone is free to publicly declare their love for whomever they choose.

Response:
# CONCLUSION

# A SLUT UTOPIA

Well, here we are, at the end of our book. But before we launch you back out into the world, we want to leave you with one final concept that may help you shape your thinking as you design your own life full of whatever kinds of sex and love you want.

From Two to Many

The world is very fond of binaries: black and white, male and female, mind and body, good and bad. These pairs, we all learn, are opposed: there's the right way and the wrong way, and our task is to do battle to defend the right and destroy the wrong. This kind of thinking dominates our courts, our politics, and our talk shows, with some crazy results: for instance, some people believe that anyone who enjoys sex outside of marriage, or a kind of marriage that's different from theirs, must be attacking _their_ marriage. Anything that is different must be opposed, must be the enemy.

When right and wrong are your only options, you may believe that you can't love more than one person or that you can't love in different ways or that you have a finite capacity for love—that "many" must somehow be opposed to "one," or that your only options are in love and out of love, with no allowance for different degrees or kinds of love.

We would like to propose something different. Instead of fretting about what's right or what's wrong, try valuing whatever is in front of you without viewing anything as in opposition to any other thing. We think that if you can do this, you will discover that there are as many ways to be sexual as there are to be human, and all of them are valid, an abundance of ways to relate, to love, to express gender, to share sex, to form families, to be in the world, to be human…and none of them in any way reduces or invalidates any of the others.

When we open our minds to a world beyond opposites, we become able to see beyond unrealistic perfection and unachievable goals. We can free ourselves to be fully conscious of all the wonderful variety and diversity that there is right now in the world, right here, in the present, available to us.

Thus sluthood can become a path to transcendence: a freeing of the mind and spirit as well as the body, a way of being in the world that allows expanded awareness, spiritual growth, and love beyond imagining.

"Sluthood can become a path to transcendence, a freeing of the mind and spirit as well as the body."

A Slut Manifesto

By examining the issues that limit our relationships and our understanding of how we might be, we are planning for a society that is appropriate to the way many people live today—one that meets our need for change and growth while feeding our fundamental desire for belonging and family.

We believe that monogamy will continue to thrive as it always has, a perfectly valid choice for those who truly choose it. We want to open our vision to accommodate monogamy as well as a plethora of other options—to plan for family and social structures that have growing room, that will continue to stretch and adapt, that we can fit to our needs in the future. We believe that new forms of families are evolving now and will continue to evolve, not to replace the nuclear family but to supplement it with new possibilities: a whole world of choices about sharing family and sex and love. We want to set you free to invent the society you want to live in.

Our vision of utopia has free love—in all its forms—as the foundation of our beliefs about reality, about possibility, about staying in the moment and planning the future. We believe that the freedom to love helps us see our lives as they really are, with the honesty to perceive ourselves clearly and the fluidity to let us move onward as our needs alter, as a changing and growing self with changing and growing partners in a changing and growing world.

We see ethical sluthood leading us to a world where we respect and honor each individual's boundaries more than we honor any preconceived set of rules about what their boundaries ought to be.

And in expanding our sexual lives, we foresee the development of an advanced sexuality where we can become both more natural and more human. Sex and intimacy really are physical expressions of a whole lot of stuff that otherwise has no physical existence: love and joy, deep emotion, intense closeness, profound connection, spiritual awareness, incredibly good feelings, sometimes even transcendent ecstasy. In our utopia, intellect is not a trap that we get stuck in, but an honored tool we use to give form to our experience. We free our natural selves by opening our intellects to sensual awareness of our bodies, and when we are no longer stuck in our intellects, we can become free to welcome spirit: intuitive, experiencing the joy of life for the simple sake of experiencing, in communion with ourselves, with each other, and beyond.

Our Favorite Fantasy: Abundance in Sex and Love

We want everyone to be free to express love in every possible way. We want to create a world where everyone has plenty of what they need: of community, of connection, of touch and sex and love. We want our children to be raised in an expanded family, a connected village within contemporary alienation, where there are enough adults who love them and each other, so there is plenty of love and attention and nurturance—more than enough to go around. We want a world where the sick and aging are cared for by people who love them, where resources are shared by people who care about each other.

We dream of a world where no one is driven by desires they have no hope of fulfilling, where no one suffers from shame for their desires or embarrassment about their dreams, where no one is starving from lack of love or sex. We dream of a world where no one is limited by rules that dictate that they must be less of a person than they have the capacity to be.

We dream of a world where nobody gets to vote on your life choices or who you choose to love or how you choose to express that love, except yourself and your lovers. We dream of a time and a place where we will all be free to publicly declare our love, for whomever we love, however we love them.

And may we all look forward to a lifetime of dreams come true.


Input:
Title: A Slut's Glossary: Defining Key Terms and Concepts for Polyamorous and Openly Sexual Communities

Introduction:
The language we use shapes the way we think about and experience the world. As we continue to explore new ways of being and relating, it's essential to refine our language to reflect these evolving experiences. This glossary provides definitions for key terms and concepts used in polyamorous and openly sexual communities. Some of these terms may be unfamiliar or have different meanings in different regions and communities. Please note that language is constantly evolving, and new terms are continually being created or redefined.

Prompt:
Write a detailed glossary that defines the following terms and concepts used in polyamorous and openly sexual communities:

1. Asexual: Define this orientation and mention the extensive vocabulary built by the asexual community.
2. BDSM: Define this acronym and its origins, as well as alternative terms used to describe these activities.
3. Centrist: Explain this term and provide examples of different types of centrist beliefs.
4. Commitment: Define commitment as it is used in this book, distinct from common usage.
5. Compersion: Define this term and explain its role in reducing jealousy.
6. Drama: Define this term and its relevance to those who choose to avoid societal relationship expectations.
7. Faithful/Fidelity: Define these terms and their relevance in this context.
8. Fluid Bonding: Define this safer-sex strategy and its components.
9. Friend with Benefits: Define this term and its implications.
10. Fuck: Define this term and its connotations.
11. Fuck Buddy: Define this term and its usage in the gay men's community.
12. Gender: Define this term and explain the distinction between gender and sex.
13. Heteronormativity: Define this term and its implications.
14. Intersex: Define this term and mention the lobbying efforts of intersex people.
15. Kink: Define this term and its relationship to BDSM and leather play.
16. Leather: Define this term and its usage in various communities.
17. Metamour: Define this term and provide an example of its usage.
18. Monogamish: Define this term and its origin.
19. Munch: Define this term and its purpose in polyamorous communities.
20. New Relationship Energy (NRE): Define this term and its alternate names.
21. Nonjudgmental: Define this term and its implications.
22. Open Relationship: Define this term and its relevance to various relationship structures.
23. Openheartedness: Define this term and its significance in relationships.
24. Orientation: Define this term and its various meanings.
25. Outercourse: Define this term and its relevance to safer sex and birth control.
26. Pansexual: Define this term and its usage.
27. Pathologize/Pathologizing: Define these terms and their relevance in discussions about sexual behavior.
28. Polyamory: Define this term and its various interpretations.
29. Polycules: Define this term and its alternate names.
30. Polyfidelity: Define this term and its usage as a safer-sex strategy.
31. Queer: Define this term and its various usages.
32. Reclaim/Reclaiming: Define these terms and provide examples of words that have been reclaimed.
33. Relationship Anarchy: Define this term and its characteristics.
34. Relationship Escalator: Define this term and its relevance to sluts.
35. Sex: Define this term and its various interpretations.
36. Sex Addiction: Define this term and its controversial usage.
37. Sex-Negative: Define this term and its implications.
38. Sex-Positive: Define this term and its origin.
39. Slut: Define this term and its implications.
40. Slut-Shaming: Define this term and its relevance.
41. Slut Walks: Define these demonstrations and their purpose.
42. They/Them/Their: Define these pronouns and their usage.
43. Trans: Define this term and its various usages.
44. Wingman: Define this term and its relevance in seeking potential partners.

Response:
# A Slut's Glossary

New words and terminologies are coined constantly, which is a challenge for writers and sluts alike. This progress is inevitable: we _must_ refine our language as we free ourselves to enter new experiences because it is next to impossible to think clearly and make decisions about choices for which you have no language.

Many of the terms in this book may be unfamiliar to you, and some may be defined differently in different regions and communities. Additionally, new terms are invented frequently and older ones sometimes fall out of favor or change their meanings. In this glossary, we'll define these words, and some others you may encounter in openly sexual communities, as we understand them today.

ASEXUAL Someone who does not experience sexual attraction. The asexual community, which is estimated to be at least 1 percent of people in the United States, has built an extensive vocabulary for all the flavors and types of asexuality—if you do a web search on "asexual," you'll find plenty of information about this seldom-discussed orientation.

BDSM Activities in which one person controls the behavior of another, and/or puts them in bondage, and/or gives them intense sensations. BDSM derives from B/D for bondage and discipline, D/S for dominance and submission, and S/M (or SM or S&M) for sadomasochism. You may also hear it called "kink," "erotic power exchange," or just plain "SM."

CENTRIST Used to draw attention to unspoken expectations about the way things "should" be. We use terms like _heterocentrist_ , _eurocentrist_ , _male-centrist_ , _female-centrist_ , _queer-centrist_ , and _couple-centrist_. Couple-centrist beliefs, for example, are those that treat the couple as the primary unit of our culture, thus placing anyone who isn't part of a couple outside the mainstream.

COMMITMENT In common usage, seems to mean an agreement to lifetime monogamy. Obviously, we don't use it that way in this book. To us, _commitment_ means making a promise for the future and following through on that promise—whether it's a promise to "cleave unto you only" or to meet for a hot weekend once a year.

COMPERSION A happy or even erotic feeling that arises from seeing your beloved's pleasure with someone else. For many people, a delight in compersion helps reduce any difficult feelings of jealousy.

DRAMA A slightly pejorative term for the struggles that often involve misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and so on. Those of us who have chosen to avoid the well-paved road of social expectations regarding relationships must hack our way through some fairly dense shrubbery—or drama—to blaze our own pathways.

FAITHFUL/FIDELITY Outside these pages, generally means having sex only with one person. However, the dictionary says fidelity is "demonstrated by continuing loyalty and support," and that sounds right to us.

FLUID BONDING A safer-sex strategy in which committed partners agree to have unprotected sex only with one another and to use barriers and/or stick to low-risk sexual behaviors with all their other partners.

FRIEND WITH BENEFITS Current parlance for someone with whom you can have sex (the "benefits" part) without the need to commit to a lifelong romantic relationship (the "friend") part.

FUCK Can mean genital sex in general or, specifically, penetrative sex. It's still the four-letter word that gets the strongest reaction (with the exception of _cunt_ ), but it seems a shame to us that such a nice activity gets used as a curse.

FUCK BUDDY In common use in the gay men's community, a friendly relationship that is based on a sexual connection.

GENDER The catchphrase used in gender-explorative circles is, "Your sex is what's between your legs; your gender is what's between your ears." Someone who was born with female genitals and chromosomes but prefers to interact with the world as a man (possibly using surgery and/or hormones to further that goal) is thus of the male gender. Those who prefer to occupy a place somewhere between the extremes of binary gender, or who like to be playful with their gender presentation, are called "nonbinary," "genderqueer," "gender-fluid," or "gender-bent."

HETERONORMATIVITY The culture-defining belief that heterosexuality is normal, that normality is desirable, and that any other choices are not normal and thus wrong.

INTERSEX A person who is born with the physical characteristics of more than one sex. Intersex people often lobby for the freedom to grow up in the bodies they were born with rather than endure surgeries and other invasive medical treatment from birth onward to force them to conform to a male or female gender.

KINK Any form of sex outside the mainstream, often used specifically for BDSM, leather, and/or fetish play.

LEATHER Another way of talking about BDSM and related behaviors. The term is generally in wider use in gay, lesbian, and queer circles.

METAMOUR A lover's lover. "My metamours and I like to get together for brunch once in a while."

MONOGAMISH The relationship style practiced by partners who are socially pair-bonded but whose agreements allow some degree of sexual connection with outside partners. The word was coined by columnist/activist Dan Savage.

MONONORMATIVITY The cultural belief that monogamy is normal and that all other choices get defined in relation to monogamy.

MUNCH A social get-together of polyfolk in a restaurant or similar location. Munches have been established for many online communities. Other ways of meeting like-minded people include meetups, potlucks, conferences, and so on.

NEW RELATIONSHIP ENERGY (NRE) The intense feelings that may accompany the "honeymoon" phase of a new connection; also called "limerence."

NONJUDGMENTAL An attitude that is free of irrational or unjustifiable moralizing. It does not mean "all-accepting." It means being willing to judge an activity or relationship on the basis of how well it works for the participants and not on some external standard of absolute rightness or wrongness.

OPEN RELATIONSHIP A relationship in which the people involved have some degree of freedom to fuck and/or love people outside the relationship. Hence, an eight-person group marriage may be either "open" or "closed."

OPENHEARTEDNESS Greeting the world with compassion and without defensiveness; opening yourself to whatever love or connection your life offers you.

ORIENTATION Usually means gay, lesbian, bisexual, heterosexual, or asexual. Many people engage in sex, romance, and/or intimacy outside the boundaries of their chosen orientation without feeling the need to change that orientation. It is quite possible that orientation has at least as much to do with culture as it does with sex.

OUTERCOURSE Sex that focuses on parts of the body other than the genitals. Such play is generally nonpenetrative and/or non-fluid-sharing: hands and mouths on skin, sex toys, mutual masturbation, phone sex, role-playing, and such. It can provide a safer-sex and birth control strategy, is a great way to find your turn-on, and is fun in and of itself.

PANSEXUAL Inclusive of all genders and orientations. The word is also sometimes used in lieu of "bisexual" by people who feel that "bisexual" refers only to binary gender (it doesn't).

PATHOLOGIZE/PATHOLOGIZING To treat any behavior, including a functional sexual or relationship pattern, as disordered or as a disease, usually because it's unfamiliar.

POLYAMORY Often shortened to "poly," this new word has gained a great deal of currency in recent years. Some feel it includes all forms of sexual relationships other than monogamy, while others restrict its meaning to committed long-term love relationships (thereby excluding swinging, casual sexual contact, fuck-buddy circles, and other forms of intimacy). We like it because, unlike "nonmonogamy," it does not assume monogamy as a norm. On the other hand, its meaning is still a bit vague.

POLYCULE A network of people connected through romantic or sexual interactions. It is sometimes called a "constellation" or "pod."

POLYFIDELITY A subset of polyamory in which more than two people, possibly two or more couples, form a sexually exclusive group. It is sometimes used as a safer-sex strategy.

QUEER A recently reclaimed word, originally an insult aimed at homosexual people. In some communities this word means specifically "gay or lesbian." However, it is used increasingly as a political/sexual self-definition by anyone who doesn't fit neatly into mainstream sexual expectations. It is often combined with a description of what makes you queer, as in "genderqueer" or "leatherqueer."

RECLAIM/RECLAIMING If someone uses a word about you in an attempt to insult or offend you, you can either get angry or you can defuse the word by using it yourself so it's no longer an insult. Words that have been reclaimed in this way include "queer," "dyke," "faggot," "tranny," and, yes, "slut."

RELATIONSHIP ANARCHY A style of relating in which participants choose not to rank relationships from most important to least important, and which relies on as few agreements as possible.

RELATIONSHIP ESCALATOR A way of approaching relationships in which each step leads inevitably to the next: from dating to sexual exclusivity to engagement to marriage to children, and so on. Most sluts will climb a great many stairs to avoid getting onto this "escalator."

SEX Frankly, it doesn't matter what definition _we_ use—sex is whatever you and your partners think it is. And whatever you think sex is, we approve of it—because all forms of consensual sex can be wonderful.

SEX ADDICTION Refers to compulsive sexual behavior that takes over a person's life to the extent that it interferes with healthy functioning in relationships, work, or other aspects of life. It is far too often used as a way of pathologizing happy sluts and is the subject of heated debate in sex therapy communities.

SEX-NEGATIVE The belief that sex is dangerous, sexual desire is wrong, female sexuality is destructive and evil, male sexuality is predatory and uncontrollable, the task of every civilized human being is to confine sexuality within very narrow limits, sex is the work of the devil, God hates sex…Got the picture?

SEX-POSITIVE The belief that sex is a healthy force in our lives. This phrase was created by sex educators at the National Sex Forum in the late 1960s. It describes a person or group that maintains an optimistic, open-minded, nonjudgmental attitude toward all forms of consensual sexuality.

SLUT A person who celebrates sexuality and erotic love with an open mind and an open heart.

SLUT-SHAMING Treating someone as less-than, or insulting or harming them, because they have sex in a way that the speaker thinks is wrong or excessive.

SLUT WALKS Demonstrations held annually in many major cities to fight back against slut-shaming.

THEY/THEM/THEIR These pronouns are for use when you are uncertain of someone's gender or when they do not identify with conventional genders. The English language is struggling right now to catch up with today's fluid sense of gender by acknowledging the need for gender-neutral singular pronouns; as of this writing, "they/them/their" seem to be the gender-neutral pronouns of choice, although Wikipedia lists more than a dozen other possibilities. We have chosen to use they/them/their in this book. _See_ gender.

TRANS ("trans," "transman," "transwoman," etc.) Someone who identifies as a gender different from the one their chromosomes and/or genitals dictate. Transfolk may or may not decide to take hormones and/or have surgery to change their physical appearance. _See_ gender.

WINGMAN A friend who helps steer potential partners your way. A current or former lover can make an excellent wingman—who knows more about what makes you desirable than someone who has desired you?


Input:
Title: Further Reading: Recommended Books for Polyamory and Other Sexually Adventurous Lifestyles

Introduction:
In this section, you will find a list of recommended books that we've found useful for polyamory and other sexually adventurous lifestyles. As new books are continually being published, we can't keep up with all of them, and our apologies if we've omitted your favorite. However, the books included in this list are all terrific, and each one offers unique viewpoints that others don't. We suggest that you read as many as possible, but if you can only afford a few, the ones listed here, in alphabetical order by the primary author's last name, are a great starting point.

Prompt:
Provide a detailed list of recommended books related to polyamory and other sexually adventurous lifestyles. Include the following information for each book:

1. Title
2. Author(s)
3. Publisher
4. Publication year
5. Brief summary or explanation of the book's content and its relevance to polyamorous or sexually adventurous lifestyles

Here's the list of recommended books:

1. _The Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage_
	* Author: George R. Bach and Peter Wyden
	* Publisher: Morrow
	* Publication year: 1968
	* Summary: This book introduces the concept of "fair fighting" and offers constructive ways to share anger with a partner. While somewhat outdated, the material on communication remains priceless.
2. _Rewriting the Rules: An Integrative Guide to Love, Sex, and Relationships_
	* Author: Meg Barker
	* Publisher: Routledge
	* Publication year: 2012
	* Summary: An intelligent overview of the pros and cons of various ways people in the twenty-first century arrange their sexual and relationship lives.
3. _Reclaiming Eros: Sacred Whores and Healers_
	* Authors: Suzanne Blackburn and Margaret Wade
	* Publisher: Suāde Publishing
	* Publication year: 2007
	* Summary: Interviews with people worldwide who practice sex work as healing.
4. _Urban Tantra_
	* Author: Barbara Carrellas
	* Publisher: Celestial Arts
	* Publication year: 2007
	* Summary: This book demonstrates how tantra techniques, such as breath, gaze, and motion, can enhance sexual play. It's inclusive of all genders and orientations, including BDSM/leather.
5. _Sex for One: The Joy of Self-Loving_
	* Author: Betty Dodson
	* Publisher: Random House
	* Publication year: 1996
	* Summary: A historic affirmation of masturbation as a pathway to self-love.
6. _The Survivor's Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Childhood Sexual Abuse_
	* Author: Staci Haines
	* Publisher: Cleis Press
	* Publication year: 1999
	* Summary: An insightful discussion of the problems that may persist after childhood sexual abuse and the ways many people have succeeded in overcoming them.
...(add the remaining books from the provided list)

Additional TASK:
Provide tips on using search engines to find information on sexual topics. This may include advice on avoiding explicit content, using nonjudgmental and nonvulgar search terms, incorporating the word "educational" in searches, and utilizing double quotes around multi-word search terms.

Response:
# Further Reading

We decided not to include websites in this edition because they come and go so quickly, and because a few minutes with your favorite search engine will point you toward the information you need. We suggest being careful about using sexual terms in your search unless you want to see your monitor fill up with links to porn (which is nice when you want porn but not so good when you want information); if you absolutely can't avoid it, add the word "educational" and it will eliminate most of the smut:

**vaginal fisting educational**

Start with a nonjudgmental and nonvulgar word for the subject that interests you and then add other terms to filter it down.

If you want to find resources in your area, use the name of your city or a nearby city, like this:

**polyamory bisexual Boise**

If the thing you want to know about has more than one word in it, then put double quotes around it, like this:

**"open relationships" trans Boston**

We still like books best, though. The following is a list of books that we've found useful for polyamory and other sexually adventurous lifestyles. New books are proliferating like bunnies in the springtime, and we can't keep up with all of them—so our apologies if we've omitted your favorite.

The books we're most familiar with are all terrific, and each one offers viewpoints that others don't, but as of the latest count, we know of dozens more, each with lots to offer. Read them all, but if you can only afford a few, we suggest that you check out the ones we list here in alphabetical order by the primary author's last name.

_The Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage_ , George R. Bach and Peter Wyden (Morrow, 1968). The concept of "fair fighting" was first expounded by Dr. Bach in this wonderful book. Published fifty years ago, the book is somewhat outdated, but the material on communication as well as the detailed descriptions of constructive ways to share your anger with a partner are priceless.

_Rewriting the Rules: An Integrative Guide to Love, Sex, and Relationships_ , Meg Barker (Routledge, 2012). An intelligent overview of the pros and cons of all the ways people in the twenty-first century are choosing to arrange their sexual and relationship lives.

_Reclaiming Eros: Sacred Whores and Healers_ , Suzanne Blackburn and Margaret Wade (Suāde Publishing, 2007). Interviews with people all over the world who practice sex work as healing.

_Urban Tantra_ , Barbara Carrellas (Celestial Arts, 2007). How to use the techniques of tantra—breath, gaze, motion, and so on—to bring greater intensity and connection to your sex play. Inclusive of all genders and orientations, including BDSM/leather.

_Sex for One: The Joy of Self-Loving_ , Betty Dodson (Random House, 1996). The historic affirmation of masturbation as a pathway to self-love.

_The Survivor's Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Childhood Sexual Abuse_ , Staci Haines (Cleis Press, 1999). An amazing discussion of the problems that can persist and the ways many people have succeeded in overcoming them.

_The Guide to Getting It On_ , Paul Joannides (Goofy Foot Press, 2009). Comprehensive, nonjudgmental sex information, aimed at teenagers and young adults.

_The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships_ , Kathy Labriola (Greenery Press, 2013). A trove of exercises to do solo, with a partner, or among a group. Also check out Labriola's _Love in Abundance: A Counselor's Advice on Open Relationships_ (Greenery Press, 2013).

_Girl Sex 101_ , Alison Moon (Lunatic Ink, 2015). Everything you ever wanted to know about having sex with women. Written primarily for lesbian and bisexual women (including trans women), but anyone who loves women can learn a lot here.

_The Erotic Mind_ , Jack Morin (Harper, 1996). A brilliant untangling of the eternal conflict between the comfortable ease of long-term relationships and the passionate tension that lights a fire under sex.

_A Legal Guide for Lesbian and Gay Couples_ (Nolo, 2007) and _Living Together: A Legal Guide for Unmarried Couples_ (Nolo, 2008). Useful resources for anyone who can't, or doesn't choose to, engage in legal marriage.

_Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence_ , Esther Perel (Harper Paperbacks, 2007). Anyone who has ever been part of a long-term relationship has experienced the tension between the comfortable everydayness of settled love and the steamy excitement of novelty. Perel's intelligent, informed book can help you find ways to accomplish both, whether or not you're monogamous.

_Exhibitionism for the Shy: Show Off, Dress Up, and Talk Hot!_ , Carol Queen (Down There Press, 2009). Uncovering your inner slut, for shy folks of all genders and orientations.

_The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone_, Carol Queen and Shar Rednour (Good Vibrations, 2015). Up-to-the-minute advice on sexuality for all ages, genders, orientations, and relationship configurations.

_Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life_ , Marshall B. Rosenberg and Arun Gandhi (Puddledancer Press, 2003). One of the best contemporary books for using communications skills in dealing with conflict of all sorts.

_Sex at Dawn: Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality_ , Chris Ryan and Cacilda Jethá (Harper, 2010). Discussions of the wide variety of strategies humans have developed to manage sex and reproduction, and how they have evolved into the ways we live today.

_When Someone You Love Is Polyamorous: Understanding Poly People and Relationships_ , Dr. Elizabeth Sheff (Thorntree Press, 2016). A reassuring little volume to share with scandalized families, friends, and coworkers.

_Joy of Gay Sex_ , Charles Silverstein (William Morrow Paperbacks, 2006). The classic book about male/male sex, informative and hot.

_The Explorer's Guide to Planet Orgasm: For Every Body_ , Annie Sprinkle with Beth Stephens (Greenery Press, 2017). A fun, approachable, gender-flexible, illustrated guide to all kinds of orgasms and how to discover them.

_More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory_ , Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert (Thorntree Press, 2014). A thorough, realistic guide to long-term multiple relationships.

_Ask Me about Polyamory: The Best of Kimchi Cuddles_ , Tikva Wolf (Thorntree Press, 2016). A whole cartoon book about polyamory! Its lightheartedness might make it a good choice to share with an uncertain family member or friend.


Input:
 Title: About the Authors: Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy

Introduction:
In this section, you will find brief biographies of the co-authors of "The Ethical Slut", Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. Provide information about their professional backgrounds, relevant experience, personal history with alternative lifestyles, and a list of their other published works.

Prompt:
Write a brief biography for each author, including the following details:

1. Name
2. Professional background and experience
3. Personal history with alternative lifestyles
4. List of other published works, including titles, subjects, and publishers (if available)

Dossie Easton:

1. Dossie Easton is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in alternative sexualities and relationships, with over twenty-five years of experience counseling open relationships.
2. She is the author of four other books and has been an ethical slut since 1969.
3. Her website is [www.dossieeaston.com](http://www.dossieeaston.com).

Janet W. Hardy:

1. Janet W. Hardy is the author or co-author of twelve books and founder of Greenery Press, a publisher specializing in sexually adventurous books. She has an MFA in creative writing from St. Mary's College of California.
2. She swore off monogamy in 1987.
3. Her website is [www.janetwhardy.com](http://www.janetwhardy.com).

List of other published works by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy:

1. _When Someone You Love Is Kinky_: This book is for friends, family, coworkers, and partners of anyone who's involved in an alternative sexuality like S/M, D/S, leather, cross-dressing, or fetish. (Note: Janet wrote this book under her former pen name, Catherine A. Liszt.)
Publisher: Greenery Press
2. _The New Bottoming Book_ and _The New Topping Book_: These books show how to bring all your power, sexiness, and smarts to your role as a BDSM bottom or top.
Publisher: Greenery Press
3. _Radical Ecstasy: SM Journeys to Transcendence_: This book chronicles Dossie and Janet's individual and mutual experiences with altered states of consciousness during BDSM play and offers some ideas drawn from tantra and other practices about how to journey there yourself.
Publisher: Greenery Press
4. _The Sexually Dominant Woman_ (written as "Lady Green"), _Spanking for Lovers_, and (with Dr. Charles Moser) _Sex Disasters…And How to Survive Them_: These are additional books written by Janet W. Hardy.
Publisher: Greenery Press
5. _Girlfag: A Life Told in Sex and Musicals_: This is a memoir written by Janet W. Hardy.
Publisher: Beyond Binary Pre

Response:
# About the Authors

Dossie Easton is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in alternative sexualities and relationships, with more than twenty-five years of experience counseling open relationships. She is the author of four other books. She has been an ethical slut since 1969. Visit www.dossieeaston.com.

Janet W. Hardy is the author or coauthor of twelve books and founder of Greenery Press, a publisher specializing in sexually adventurous books. She has an MFA in creative writing from St. Mary's College of California. She swore off monogamy in 1987. Visit www.janetwhardy.com.

Dossie and Janet have authored several other books, available from Greenery Press:

_When Someone You Love Is Kinky_ is for the friends, family, coworkers, and partners of anyone who's involved in an alternative sexuality like S/M, D/S, leather, cross-dressing, or fetish. (Note: Janet wrote this book under her former pen name, Catherine A. Liszt.)

_The New Bottoming Book_ and _The New Topping Book_ show how to bring all your power, sexiness, and smarts to your role as a BDSM bottom or top.

_Radical Ecstasy: SM Journeys to Transcendence_ chronicles Dossie and Janet's individual and mutual experiences with altered states of consciousness during BDSM play and offers some ideas drawn from tantra and other practices about how to journey there yourself.

Janet is also the author of _The Sexually Dominant Woman_ (written as "Lady Green"), S _panking for Lovers_ , and (with Dr. Charles Moser) _Sex Disasters…And How to Survive Them_ , as well as a memoir, _Girlfag: A Life Told in Sex and Musicals_ (Beyond Binary Press).