Input:
 Title: The Unethical Slut

1. Q: What is the concept of the unethical slut?
A: Some people treat sex as a big-game hunt, trying to conquer the unwilling and unwitting victim, as though the object of their attention would never decide to share sex with them unless tricked into it. Such people often approach open sexual lifestyles as if keeping score. Set collectors and trophy fuckers treat their partners like prizes in a contest they have set out to win. This approach does not meet the requirements for mutual respect.
2. Q: What is the problem with using sex to shore up sagging self-esteem?
A: Using sex to shore up sagging self-esteem by stealing someone else's does not work to build a solid sense of self-worth, and this thief of love will have to go on stealing more and more without ever feeling fulfilled.
3. Q: What is the issue with set collectors?
A: The concept of set collectors may be new to you, but such people exist. They treat their partners as collectibles, and this approach does not meet the requirements for mutual respect.
4. Q: How do hierarchies of desirability affect people?
A: Some people approach "scoring" as if all people can be ranked on a hierarchy from the most to the least desirable and the way to make the most points and assure yourself of a high rank is to collect partners as high up the ladder as you can reach. People gain in rank and value in these hierarchies by being thin, young, cute, gym-toned, wealthy, and/or of high social status. We do not believe that love is a game that you can win by scoring high on a hierarchy of shallow values. Hierarchies produce victims on the top as well as the bottom, because it is almost as alienating to be approached by too many people for the wrong reasons as it is to be approached by nobody at all.
5. Q: How does a history of nonconsensual nonmonogamy affect a person's ability to adapt to consensual sluthood?
A: Some who have a history of nonconsensual nonmonogamy may have a very hard time adapting to the idea of consensual sluthood. These folks may have built the furtive feeling of getting away with something into their erotic life, hooked on the adrenaline rush they get from forbidden fruit. It takes a pretty substantial leap of faith, and maybe some creative fantasizing and role-playing, for such individuals to open up their hidden places and experience the greater joy that can come from knowing that nobody is getting hurt by their fun.
6. Q: Why are people who refuse to use barriers not ethical sluts?
A: People who refuse to learn to use barriers that get between people and viruses are not ethical sluts. They are, quite simply, playing dirty when they argue with lovers about allowing potentially infectious sex, insisting on sex without barriers, or attempting to sneak around a lover's limits about safer sex. Refusing to deal with the realities of viruses and bacteria because of embarrassment is also unethical: a good slut speaks the truth even if blushing furiously.
7. Q: Why is it important to be honest about your intentions?
A: Ethical sluts do not make promises they can't keep. If you are attracted to someone who is looking for a life partnership and what you want is a lighthearted affair (or vice versa), you need to be honest about that, even if that means saying, "No, thank you" to sex until your feelings for each other are more on a par.
8. Q: What is the issue with revenge fucking?
A: To arrange to have sex with one person to get back at another is dishonorable, and to use another person as a puppet in your play is disrespectful and often downright abusive.
9. Q: How should one handle a situation where someone in their intimate circle is not playing honestly?
A: It helps if the people in your extended family have ways to talk about what is going on, to share experiences and feelings. If everyone is too ashamed to admit to having been misused by someone with an untrustworthy hidden agenda, then no one will have the information they need to protect themselves. There is no shame in having believed someone's lies, and most of us at some time or other have given our trust to someone who turned out not to be worthy of it. It is possible to fool an honest person, but we hope you have enough humility to learn from your mistakes and not get fooled twice.
10. Q: Why is it important to be honest in relationships?
A: All these difficult scripts are about somebody not being honest and are also about someone having sex while avoiding intimacy and emotional connection. When you are not telling the truth, you cannot be present; when you are not present, you can't be connected to anyone else; and when you are not connected, how can you feel anything at all? By treating lovers as people and letting relationships take the shapes they want instead of the forms forced on them by the culture around them, ethical sluts can form relationships that last.

Response:
# 11

# THE UNETHICAL SLUT

Some people treat sex as a big-game hunt—trying to conquer the unwilling and unwitting victim, as though the object of their attention would never decide to share sex with them unless tricked into it. Believing that a person would have to be a fool to make love with you is often, we observe, a self-fulfilling prophecy. Using sex to shore up sagging self-esteem by stealing someone else's does not work to build a solid sense of self-worth, and this thief of love will have to go on stealing more and more without ever feeling fulfilled.

Such people often approach open sexual lifestyles as if keeping score. Set collectors and trophy fuckers treat their partners like prizes in a contest they have set out to win.

The concept of set collectors may be new to you, but we assure you that such people exist. A friend of ours once discovered that a would-be lover of hers had already had sex with her mother and her sister and was hoping to complete the set. Sex that means treating your partners as collectibles does not meet our requirements for mutual respect.

Some people approach "scoring" as if all people can be ranked on a hierarchy from the most to the least desirable and the way to make the most points and assure yourself of a high rank is to collect partners as high up the ladder as you can reach. People gain in rank and value in these hierarchies by being thin, young, cute, gym-toned, wealthy, and/or of high social status.

We do not believe that love is a game that you can win by scoring high on a hierarchy of shallow values. We know from extensive experience that appearance and wealth are not predictors of good loving. We try to avoid ranking people as better or worse than each other and are unhappy with those who want to relate to our rank more than our selves. Hierarchies produce victims on the top as well as the bottom, because it is almost as alienating to be approached by too many people for the wrong reasons as it is to be approached by nobody at all.

Some who have a history of nonconsensual nonmonogamy may get attached to the sense of secrecy, of getting away with something. These folks may have a very hard time adapting to the idea of consensual sluthood—they're so used to concealing their activities from their partners that they may even have built that furtive feeling into their erotic life, hooked on the adrenaline rush they get from forbidden fruit. It takes a pretty substantial leap of faith, and maybe some creative fantasizing and role-playing, for such individuals to open up their hidden places and experience the greater joy that can come from knowing that nobody is getting hurt by their fun.

People who refuse to learn to use barriers that get between people and viruses are not ethical sluts. They are, quite simply, playing dirty when they argue with lovers about allowing potentially infectious sex, insisting on sex without barriers, or attempting to sneak around a lover's limits about safer sex. Refusing to deal with the realities of viruses and bacteria because of embarrassment is also unethical: a good slut speaks the truth even if blushing furiously.

Ethical sluts do not make promises they can't keep. If you are attracted to someone who is looking for a life partnership and what you want is a lighthearted affair (or vice versa), you need to be honest about that, even if that means saying, "No, thank you" to sex until your feelings for each other are more on a par. Mistakes can easily be made—sometimes accidentally and sometimes when we should have predicted that someone would get hurt.

We have both made such mistakes. Now, your older and wiser authors have discovered a couple of limits of our own: we do not share sex with anyone that we're not at least potentially interested in sharing sex with again, and we believe that anything worth doing is worth waiting for until the time is right. One hallmark of a skillful slut is to learn from one's mistakes and keep going. Dossie made such a mistake when she was very young and stupid:

> My long-term relationship had just broken up and I was pretty broken up about it myself. I went out to the coffee shop in Greenwich Village and saw my recent ex in earnest conversation with a cute young thing who was not me. I felt horribly betrayed, lost, and worthless. Just then, a young man who had been attracted to me, and for whom I had no serious feelings, came up to speak to me. It somehow seemed appropriate to go home with him and let him soothe my ruffled feathers, but I regretted it the next day when I found myself hurting his feelings and leaving him in the lurch. To further aggravate my guilt, it turned out that what my ex was doing with that sweet girl was beating his bosom about how horrible he felt about breaking up with me—we wound up getting back together. I have always felt that I took advantage of the young man who offered me his affection, which I thoughtlessly took and then gave right back to him. It would have been kinder had I just said no.

And that brings us to revenge fucking. It is truly nasty to arrange to have sex with one person to get back at another. To arouse one person's insecurities, jealousy, and other painful feelings on purpose is dishonorable, and to use another person as a puppet in your play is disrespectful and often downright abusive. In psychopathology, being "antisocial" is defined as behaving with flagrant disregard for the rights, and we would add the feelings, of others. We prefer to relate to sociable people.

What do you do when someone in your intimate circle is not playing honestly? It helps if the people in your extended family have ways to talk about what is going on, to share experiences and feelings. If everyone is too ashamed to admit to having been misused by someone with an untrustworthy hidden agenda, then no one will have the information they need to protect themselves. There is no shame in having believed someone's lies, and most of us at some time or other have given our trust to someone who turned out not to be worthy of it. It is possible to fool an honest person, but we hope you have enough humility to learn from your mistakes and not get fooled twice.

All these difficult scripts are about somebody not being honest and are also about somebody having sex while avoiding intimacy and emotional connection. When you are not telling the truth, you cannot be present; when you are not present, you can't be connected to anyone else; and when you are not connected, how can you feel anything at all?

By treating lovers as people and letting relationships take the shapes they want instead of the forms forced on them by the culture around them, ethical sluts can form relationships that last.


Input:
 Title: Flirting and Cruising

1. Q: What are the skills involved in flirting and cruising?
A: Flirting and cruising are skills that you can learn, even though few people develop them overnight. Flirting and cruising involve an exchange of sexual energy in the form of eye contact, body language, smiles and warmth, and little flashes of erotic energy that can be shared long before any physical contact would be appropriate.
2. Q: Is there a difference between flirting and cruising?
A: Some people think of "flirting" as what you do in environments that are not erotically oriented and "cruising" as what you do in clubs, conferences, bars, and other places where people often seek sex partners. Or you might see flirting as a more introductory maneuver and cruising as what you do when you know for sure that you're interested.
3. Q: How do gender roles complicate flirting and cruising?
A: People raised as men in this culture are taught to push, insist, never take no for an answer; those raised as women are taught to be coy, duck and dodge, never offer an outright yes. The more polarized we get in this silly equation, the further we push one another away—with results that range from hurt feelings to date rape.
4. Q: Why is it important to be able to say yes or no freely?
A: When all genders feel free to answer yes or no, a truer understanding and a more positive sexuality become possible.
5. Q: How can you learn to say no comfortably?
A: The trick to a comfortable "no" is to structure it in such a way that it's about you, not about them. For example, you can say, "No, thanks. You seem nice but I'm not feeling much connection with you" or "No, thanks. I'm not really looking for lovers right now."
6. Q: Why is it important to practice saying yes?
A: Female-identified people need to equalize, to do more of the choosing, to know what it is that you enjoy and to be able to say clearly what you want to whomever you find attractive. And if you are a male-identified person whose programming is more about what you think you are supposed to want than what you actually want, then you need to learn to say yes to your real desires when they appear on your doorstep.
7. Q: What is the fine art of flirting?
A: Everybody is born knowing how to flirt, and if you doubt it, watch the way a baby or toddler interacts with nearby adults. Great flirting is about seeing, and when you show people that you're seeing them, it's natural for them to start seeing you.
8. Q: What is the role of nonverbal communication in flirting?
A: A lot of flirting is nonverbal. There's a way of holding eye contact for just a moment longer than usual—more than a passing glance, less than an outright stare—that lets a person know that you find them worth looking at. Turn your body so that you're facing the object of your interest and stay physically open, arms and legs uncrossed. Smile.
9. Q: How can you tell if someone is interested in you?
A: Watch for feedback. If we were flirting with you and you turned your face away from us, took a step back, or crossed your arms, we'd know you weren't interested in connecting and we'd move on gracefully.
10. Q: How do you start a conversation with someone you're interested in?
A: Try a sincere, personal, but nonsexual compliment to start. Is the person next to you on the park bench leading a poodle that's sporting a fresh haircut? Did you hear through the grapevine that your next-door neighbor just got a nice promotion at work? A sincere compliment on any of these is a way of saying, "I'm paying attention to you; you're not just a face in the crowd to me."
11. Q: How can you make someone feel fully seen?
A: Your goal is to make your friend feel fully seen, not reduced to an agglomeration of body parts. Commenting on physical appearance, particularly in a sexual way ("Those pants make your ass look great!") is not what we're talking about.
12. Q: What is the role of energy in flirting?
A: The sexy part of this is in the energy—the flash of a smile, a brightness in the eye. You usually can tell when you're talking and when you're flirting—it's the energy.
13. Q: How can you practice flirting?
A: A willing friend, preferably of the gender (if not the orientation) that you normally flirt with, can help: pretend that you're meeting for the first time and try flirting. The friend can give you feedback about whether you're coming on too weak or too strong and help you refine your skills.
14. Q: Why is it important to be yourself when flirting?
A: When you are honest, you attract the people who are interested in you, just as you most wonderfully are.
15. Q: What are some challenges in cruising?
A: If you're standing in the corner of a roomful of people, feeling like you're the only one there who isn't part of a happy group and like you're never going to be able to connect again for the rest of your life, we suggest finding someone else who's standing in a corner and starting a conversation.
16. Q: How can you start a conversation in a group setting?
A: Janet's favorite opening line for these situations is, "Hi, I don't know a soul here; can I stand here and talk to you for a while?"
17. Q: What are some strategies for men and women in cruising?
A: Men who desire men have their own style of cruising, marked by a straightforward approach based on the understanding that most gay and bi men are able to say, "No, thank you" without much discomfort. Hetero men have different challenges. Few women like to be pushed, overwhelmed, or not listened to in the arenas of sex and intimacy. Most women are particularly offended by men who push too hard for private get-togethers or phone numbers, who insistently move the conversation back to sexual topics when the woman has tried several times to change the subject, or who touch them, particularly in a sexual, paternalistic, or covert way, without permission. Successful male cruisers remain sensitive to verbal and nonverbal cues, conveying friendly interest and appreciation for the fascinating human being in front of them.
18. Q: What are some strategies for women in cruising?
A: Many women, of all orientations, can benefit greatly from learning to be more assertive in asking for what they want, both during the meeting process and afterward. If you're used to sipping your drink and waiting for someone to make a move on you, initiating contact yourself may seem terribly awkward, pushy—yes, even slutty—at first. It's also scary as hell to risk rejection like that. It does get easier...particularly if you do get rejected a time or two and get a chance to find out that it isn't the end of the world. After all, we're not asking you to do anything that men haven't been doing for centuries, and you'll discover, as they have, the many joys of asking for what you want and getting it.
19. Q: What are some strategies for trans and nonbinary people in cruising?
A: The big question in flirting and cruising, if you're someone whose parts don't match up to their gender presentation or whose gender presentation doesn't match up to cultural norms, is usually, "How much do they know?" For this reason, many of our friends who live outside gender norms prefer to do their cruising online, where they can make sure the object of their attention is interested in someone like them before investing their hope, time, and occasionally personal safety in a new person who may or may not be aware that gender is a lot more complicated than their eighth-grade health teacher said.
20. Q: What are some strategies for couples and groups in cruising?
A: Sometimes couples, or an established group of lovers, may be cruising for somebody, or somebodies, new to play with in a three-or-more-way. Cruising as a group has its advantages—if you strike out, you still have someone to go home with. However, many cruisees are not used to the idea of openly nonmonogamous relationships and may get a little freaked out when you come on to them with, "Hi, I find you very attractive and so do my partners." Be reassured that you will also find many lovely people who actually prefer the safety and built-in boundaries of getting it on with one, both, or all members of an established partnership.
21. Q: What are some important considerations when cruising as a couple or group?
A: Each member of a partnership must have the requisite social skills. Depending on a partner to do all the work of introductions, conversation, flirtation, and negotiation is bad for you and bad for them. It may also lead to misunderstandings, because few partners are skilled enough communicators to get across all your needs, interests, and personality traits.
22. Q: What are some best practices when cruising as a couple or group?
A: The fundamental rule for cruising as a couple or group, or being cruised by a couple or group, is respect for the feelings and relationships of all concerned. You don't want to cruise someone who will try to steal you or your partner for their own, and your cruisee doesn't want to be used, deceived, or mistreated.
23. Q: What are some common mistakes to avoid when cruising as a couple or group?
A: It is disrespectful to treat the third party as some sort of oversized marital aid. Many bisexual women are exasperated when couples seek them out as a "hot bi babe," looking for someone that they can slot into a predefined role as part of their lovemaking and/or their household. Poly people often refer to such a woman as a "unicorn," because they are rare and possibly mythical. Their analog, the bisexual man who is expected to fulfill the needs of an otherwise hetero couple, is sometimes called a "pegasus."
24. Q: What are some rewards of treating everyone involved with respect when cruising as a couple or group?
A: When you treat everybody involved with respect, affection, and intimacy, you can reap very special rewards—anything from a warm happy fling to a long-term multiperson relationship.
25. Q: What is the history of polyamory and flirting/cruising?
A: Possibly the very first how-to guide for contemporary polyamorists was written more than a quarter century ago. Its author had been a practicing polyamorist for almost twenty years before being moved to set forth her basic principles. A Bouquet of Lovers: Strategies for Responsible Open Relationships, written by Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart in 1990, offered some solid guidelines for relationships of the primary/secondary model—guidelines that will sound familiar to readers of this book today. And, like this book, its creator and original publisher discovered their values during the Free Love era. Two young seekers met at a neopagan conference in 1973. The former Diana Moore and the former Timothy Zell would be together—as radicals, lovers, and elders of a polyamorous family that has lasted, in various forms, for almost fifty years—until Diana, better known as Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart, died in 2014. Together with like-minded lovers, the Zell-Ravenhearts founded the Church of All Worlds, a neopagan and poly institution loosely based on the church described in Robert Heinlein's immensely popular science fiction novel Stranger in a Strange Land. Oberon (formerly Timothy) Zell-Ravenheart publishes Green Egg Magazine, a neopagan publication founded in 1968 and still published online, in which A Bouquet of Lovers first appeared. Oberon and the remainder of the family continue to live together in two big houses in Sonoma County, California.

Response:
# 12

# FLIRTING AND CRUISING

Flirting and cruising are skills that you can learn, even though few people develop them overnight.

Is there a difference between flirting and cruising? The distinction is not clear cut. Some people think of "flirting" as what you do in environments that are not erotically oriented and "cruising" as what you do in clubs, conferences, bars, and other places where people often seek sex partners. Or you might see flirting as a more introductory maneuver and cruising as what you do when you know for sure that you're interested. Both involve an exchange of sexual energy in the form of eye contact, body language, smiles and warmth, and little flashes of erotic energy that can be shared long before any physical contact would be appropriate.

Gender roles can complicate both flirting and cruising. People raised as men in this culture are taught to push, insist, never take no for an answer; those raised as women are taught to be coy, duck and dodge, never offer an outright yes. The more polarized we get in this silly equation, the further we push one another away—with results that range from hurt feelings to date rape.

"When all genders feel free to answer yes or no, a truer understanding and a more positive sexuality become possible."

The good news, though, is that both sets of behaviors can be unlearned. When all genders feel free to answer yes or no with no concern for anything but their own desires, a truer understanding and a more positive sexuality become possible.

Saying Yes, Saying No

Sexual sophisticates tend to give each other a lot of credit for knowing what they want. With this assumption, it becomes easier for your potential partners to make very direct proposals that might seem outrageous in any other context; that's because they trust you to say no if you're not interested. It is nobody's task but your own to figure out what you want, and nobody can or should second-guess you. So you are going to have to learn to say no and to say no easily enough that having to turn down a couple of unwelcome come-ons won't ruin your evening.

Most people have trouble with "no"—many men are taught that they are always supposed to be eager for sex, so if someone comes on to them when they are not ready or not interested, it can feel unmanly and wrong to say no.

The trick to a comfortable "no" is to structure it in such a way that it's about you, not about them. So instead of, "With _you_ ? Are you out of your mind?" you're saying, "No, thanks. You seem nice but I'm not feeling much connection with you" or "No, thanks. I'm not really looking for lovers right now" or "No, thanks. I prefer to get to know people a lot better before I do anything like that with them." Important note: the "thanks" should be sincere. Being asked, even by someone you don't find attractive, is a compliment and deserves a thank-you. If you think someone is ridiculous for finding you attractive, we worry about your self-esteem.

Many women have been taught that it is unfeminine to say no directly. Ask yourself: When was the last time you said no to sex? How did you do it? Was it with a polite and friendly but unmistakable "No, thanks"? Or was it with "Not tonight; I've got a headache" or "Maybe another time" or "I'll think about it"? We strongly suggest you work out a "No, thanks" that feels comfortable to you; expecting the interested party to read your mind and somehow know that your "maybe…" means "no" is neither ethical nor slutty.

We also need to practice saying yes. Our cultural myth is that the man in a heterosexual interaction pleads with or cons or bullies the woman into saying yes, or at least refraining from saying no, and then does whatever he thinks is appropriate. Female-identified people need to equalize, to do more of the choosing, to know what it is that you enjoy and to be able to say clearly what you want to whomever you find attractive. And if you are a male-identified person whose programming is more about what you think you are supposed to want than what you actually want, then you need to learn to say yes to your real desires when they appear on your doorstep.

Once you've gotten comfortable with "no," "yes" is usually easier. Try it, in all its variations: "Yes, please." "Yes, when?" "Yes, but I have some limits I want to tell you about first." "Yes, but I need you to talk to my partner first." "Yes, but not tonight; how does next Tuesday look for you?" "Hell, yes!"

"Once you've gotten comfortable with 'no,' 'yes' is usually easier."

The Fine Art of Flirting

Everybody is born knowing how to flirt, and if you doubt it, watch the way a baby or toddler interacts with nearby adults: lots of eye contact, smiles, maybe a chortle of welcome, and the offer of a beloved toy (which must, according to the rules, be handed back after due admiration, just like adult toys).

Most of us, though, lose this precious ability by the time we're grown-ups and need to learn it all again from scratch. Your authors believe that great flirting should be an end in itself rather than a means to an end. Practice flirting for fun and maybe put aside, for the moment, any specific goals about getting laid. Focus on getting good connection. Watch the way many gay men flirt with straight women—friendly flattery, lighthearted innuendo, nonthreatening intimacy, all made possible by the realization that the interaction is intended simply for mutual pleasure, not in the hopes of a quick dash to the nearest bedroom.

We suggest, then, that you learn to flirt simply by practicing. The sort of behavior you may associate with the word _flirting_ ("Hey, baby, what's your sign?") is not the sort of thing we're talking about and is, in fact, its exact opposite. Great flirting is about _seeing_ ; hunger to be seen is a natural human emotion, and when you show people that you're seeing them, it's natural for them to start seeing you.

A lot of flirting is nonverbal. There's a way of holding eye contact for just a moment longer than usual—more than a passing glance, less than an outright stare—that lets a person know that you find them worth looking at. Turn your body so that you're facing the object of your interest and stay physically open, arms and legs uncrossed. Smile.

If your flirting proceeds to words, we suggest a sincere, personal, but nonsexual compliment to start. Is the person next to you on the park bench leading a poodle that's sporting a fresh haircut? Did you hear through the grapevine that your next-door neighbor just got a nice promotion at work? A sincere compliment on any of these is a way of saying, "I'm paying attention to you; you're not just a face in the crowd to me." This approach may not seem like flirting to you, but trust us, it's a great first step. Commenting on physical appearance, particularly in a sexual way ("Those pants make your ass look great!") is _not_ what we're talking about. Your goal is to make your friend feel fully seen, not reduced to an agglomeration of body parts.

Watch for feedback. If we were flirting with you and you turned your face away from us, took a step back, or crossed your arms, we'd know you weren't interested in connecting and we'd move on gracefully. We wouldn't like it any better than anyone else does, but we'd do our best not to feel rejected—you don't know us and don't know what you're missing out on. Besides, for all we know, you're on the way to a date with someone you already know and are simply not available at that moment.

One of the most successful flirts we know says he has a never-fail opening line: "Hi, I'm Mike." From there, he and the object of his attention can proceed wherever their interests take them: the weather or scenery, their work, their kids or pets, the sorry state of the world today, their favorite foods, whatever. This stage of flirting is exploration, getting to know this wonderful new person, discovering the ways in which you're similar and the ways in which you're different, seeing how you might connect. The sexy part of this is in the energy—the flash of a smile, a brightness in the eye. You usually can tell when you're talking and when you're flirting—it's the energy.

We recognize that if you are shy or have been taught that nice girls or boys don't flirt or are accustomed to a more predatory style of flirting, all this can be difficult to learn. We wish we had a magic flirting wand that we could wave at you, but since we don't, you're just going to have to practice. A willing friend, preferably of the gender (if not the orientation) that you normally flirt with, can help: pretend that you're meeting for the first time and try flirting. The friend can give you feedback about whether you're coming on too weak or too strong and help you refine your skills. When you start enjoying flirting in and of itself, without thinking about where it might lead, you'll know you're on the right track.

"We wish we had a magic flirting wand that we could wave at you, but since we don't, you're just going to have to practice."

Coming Out Slutty

Unless you're doing your cruising in exclusively poly environments, it is reasonable to expect that the object of your attentions may not (yet) have read this book and may not be familiar with slutty lifestyles. At some point, therefore, you are going to have to get it out there that monogamy is probably not on your personal menu of options.

We can't tell you exactly when or how to do this, except that we vote for sooner rather than later. If both of you are just looking for a quick fling or a party scene, it may not be necessary to discuss such matters at all. However, if the fling leads to a second date, that may be the right time to let your new friend know that you're not interested in going steady, now or ever.

Working this into a normal conversation about software or surfing can be a little tricky, we know. A quick reference to your partners, emphasis on the plural, often does the trick. You can start a discussion of relationships in general to get space to express your own opinions and desires. Or you can leave this book out on your coffee table when they come over for a drink.

It may happen that the object of your attention is a devoted monogamist and that you nonetheless find this person extremely attractive. We have some words of advice for polyfolk who fall in love with monogamists in chapter 20, "Couples and Groups."

Cruising Challenges

If you're standing in the corner of a roomful of people, feeling like you're the only one there who isn't part of a happy group and like you're never going to be able to connect again for the rest of your life, we suggest finding someone else who's standing in a corner and starting a conversation. Janet's favorite opening line for these situations is, "Hi, I don't know a soul here; can I stand here and talk to you for a while?"

Beyond that simple opening, which gets easier with practice, cruising strategies depend a lot on your own gender and the gender(s) of the people you're seeking.

FOR MEN

Men who desire men have their own style of cruising, marked by a straightforward approach based on the understanding that most gay and bi men are able to say, "No, thank you" without much discomfort. Without the uncomfortable threat of being physically overpowered that pervades man-on-woman cruising, and free of any requirements beyond following their own desires, these men often are able to cruise each other with greater reliance on body language and nonverbal cues than their heterosexual brothers, confident that if body language is not understood, they will use their words.

Hetero men have different challenges. Few women like to be pushed, overwhelmed, or not listened to in the arenas of sex and intimacy. Most women are particularly offended by men who push too hard for private get-togethers or phone numbers, who insistently move the conversation back to sexual topics when the woman has tried several times to change the subject, or who touch them, particularly in a sexual, paternalistic, or covert way, without permission. Sneaky come-ons are a pain; it works better to simply ask, and if you hear a "no," don't argue.

Many a man has made the mistake of approaching a woman in the way he thinks he would like to be approached if he were a woman. If you're not sure if women find your approach too heavy-handed, imagine being approached by a large, strong man using your exact technique and ask yourself how that feels. Successful male cruisers remain sensitive to verbal and nonverbal cues, conveying friendly interest and appreciation for the fascinating human being in front of them.

FOR WOMEN

Many women, of all orientations, can benefit greatly from learning to be more assertive in asking for what they want, both during the meeting process and afterward. If you're used to sipping your drink and waiting for someone to make a move on you, initiating contact yourself may seem terribly awkward, pushy—yes, even slutty—at first. It's also scary as hell to risk rejection like that. It _does_ get easier…particularly if you do get rejected a time or two and get a chance to find out that it isn't the end of the world. After all, we're not asking you to do anything that men haven't been doing for centuries, and you'll discover, as they have, the many joys of asking for what you want and getting it.

FOR TRANS AND NONBINARY PEOPLE

The big question in flirting and cruising, if you're someone whose parts don't match up to their gender presentation or whose gender presentation doesn't match up to cultural norms, is usually, "How much do they know?" For this reason, many of our friends who live outside gender norms prefer to do their cruising online, where they can make sure the object of their attention is interested in someone like them before investing their hope, time, and occasionally personal safety in a new person who may or may not be aware that gender is a lot more complicated than their eighth-grade health teacher said.

On the other hand, as one trans woman we interviewed pointed out, "Even when you're cruising in person, it's worth keeping in mind that _lots_ of people have things they need to disclose before things start getting hot and heavy—health issues, having a partner at home, sexual or personal limits, and so on." So maybe you can think of that thing inside your undies, that may or may not be a surprise, as simply another issue that you need to talk about before the smooching begins.

Many of our trans friends recall being the catalyst for someone's reexamination of their assumptions about their sexual identity: one spoke of being at a gender conference with a woman who had always identified as a lesbian and who was startled to find herself drawn to trans men, trans women, and individuals who didn't fit easily into any gender category. They also note that many of the people they meet are unaware of the finer points of contemporary gender theory. "At first, I got angry when people didn't understand my place on the gender spectrum," one trans man noted. "But after a while, I got better at being able to tell the difference between a person who was hostile or malicious and one who simply didn't know and was doing their best." This man went on to say that he'd actually come to enjoy gently educating potential sweeties about what it was like to live inside his skin.

Whether or not you want to do some educating along with your flirting, we think it makes sense to decide how strongly you want to draw those boundaries—nobody wants to do all their flirting within a small group of already like-minded people, but nobody wants to spend all their flirting time teaching Gender 101, either. Figure out a balance that works for you and be prepared to have it shift as your desires and abilities change through the years.

FOR COUPLES AND GROUPS

Sometimes couples, or an established group of lovers, may be cruising for somebody, or somebodies, new to play with in a three-or-more-way. Cruising as a group has its advantages—if you strike out, you still have someone to go home with. However, many cruisees are not used to the idea of openly nonmonogamous relationships and may get a little freaked out when you come on to them with, "Hi, I find you very attractive and so do my partners." Be reassured that you will also find many lovely people who actually prefer the safety and built-in boundaries of getting it on with one, both, or all members of an established partnership.

Some groups cruise together for someone to play with in a three-or-more-way, while others cruise individually for partners who want to play with one or the other of them. When you're partnered but cruising solo, please do remember to mention to your cruisee that you have a partner or partners at home. Some people will be delighted to receive this news and others will not, but full disclosure is the ethical part of ethical sluthood.

If you plan to go home with your partners when it comes time to leave the party, it is courteous to make sure your other beloveds know this in advance. Reassure new contacts by exchanging contact information and, if appropriate, choosing a place and time to get together in the future, like "May I call you tomorrow morning?" or "Would you like to meet for coffee after work?"

Whether you cruise individually or with others, you need to work out your agreements beforehand. Who is interested in doing what to whom? Where? When? If one of you is looking for someone to hit the mattress with right there that night and the other wants something permanent ("They followed me home! Can I keep them? Please?"), you may be headed for a major misunderstanding.

Each member of a partnership must have the requisite social skills. Depending on a partner to do all the work of introductions, conversation, flirtation, and negotiation is bad for you and bad for them. It may also lead to misunderstandings, because few partners are skilled enough communicators to get across _all_ your needs, interests, and personality traits.

A pet peeve of many sluts is the individual who treats one or more of the people involved in a disrespectful or objectifying manner. One example is the couple that sends an innocent-looking woman out as bait, and you may be startled, when you bite, to discover her spouse joining the party. Janet remembers once, in a group sex environment, being invited by a man to help stimulate his female partner. As she happily joined the group, she noticed that the man immediately shifted his focus from his girlfriend to _her_ —ignoring the hapless girlfriend as he grabbed Janet's breasts. Needless to say, Janet excused herself immediately from this creepy-feeling scene.

It is disrespectful to treat the third party as some sort of oversized marital aid. Many bisexual women we know are exasperated when couples seek them out as a "hot bi babe," looking for someone that they can slot into a predefined role as part of their lovemaking and/or their household. Poly people often refer to such a woman as a "unicorn," because they are rare and possibly mythical. Their analog, the bisexual man who is expected to fulfill the needs of an otherwise hetero couple, is sometimes called a "pegasus."

The fundamental rule for cruising as a couple or group, or being cruised by a couple or group, is _respect_ for the feelings and relationships of all concerned. You don't want to cruise someone who will try to steal you or your partner for their own, and your cruisee doesn't want to be used, deceived, or mistreated.

Dossie was once out on a date with a longtime lover of hers when she noticed an attractive person trying to catch her eye behind her date's back. She explained the situation to her date, who had a stroke of genius. He strode over to the young man in question and with great dignity announced, "My lady would like you to have her phone number." The young man looked terrified at the time, but he called the next morning. Dossie has made use of this strategy repeatedly since then and recommends it highly: they always call!

When you treat everybody involved with respect, affection, and intimacy, you can reap very special rewards—anything from a warm happy fling to a long-term multiperson relationship.

FOR EVERYONE

The best, most successful, and least obnoxious cruisers we know, of all genders and orientations, are friendly, curious folks who like most people and are interested in talking to everyone. If some of the people they talk to turn into potential relationships, so much the better.

When you find yourself worrying about how you are seen by others, remember that there is no point in pretending you are anyone except who you are. It does you no good to attract someone who thinks you are somebody else: all you get is someone who is excited about somebody who isn't you. When you are honest, you attract the people who are interested in you, just as you most wonderfully are.

Poly Pioneers: "A Bouquet of Lovers" and the Zell-Ravenheart Family

Possibly the very first how-to guide for contemporary polyamorists was written more than a quarter century ago. Its author had been a practicing polyamorist for almost twenty years before being moved to set forth her basic principles.

_A Bouquet of Lovers: Strategies for Responsible Open Relationships_ , written by Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart in 1990, offered some solid guidelines for relationships of the primary/secondary model—guidelines that will sound familiar to readers of this book today.

And, like this book, its creator and original publisher discovered their values during the Free Love era. Two young seekers met at a neopagan conference in 1973. The former Diana Moore and the former Timothy Zell would be together—as radicals, lovers, and elders of a polyamorous family that has lasted, in various forms, for almost fifty years—until Diana, better known as Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart, died in 2014.

Together with like-minded lovers, the Zell-Ravenhearts founded the Church of All Worlds, a neopagan and poly institution loosely based on the church described in Robert Heinlein's immensely popular science fiction novel _Stranger in a Strange Land_. Oberon (formerly Timothy) Zell-Ravenheart publishes _Green Egg Magazine_ , a neopagan publication founded in 1968 and still published online, in which _A Bouquet of Lovers_ first appeared.

Oberon and the remainder of the family continue to live together in two big houses in Sonoma County, California.


Input:
 Title: Keeping Sex Safe

1. Q: What is the term 'safe sex' and why was it coined?
A: The term 'safe sex' was coined to talk about how we can design sex to minimize the risk of HIV transmission. However, sex has never been completely safe. It's been only a few decades since more reliable birth control became available, and only a few before that since antibiotics began curing illness, insanity, and death caused by sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) like syphilis and gonorrhea. Herpes is still incurable, and we still have only limited answers to cervical cancer from human papilloma virus.
2. Q: Why do ethical sluts put time and effort into minimizing the risks of sex?
A: Given that sex is never completely safe, ethical sluts put time, effort, and commitment into getting as much sex as they want at the least risk possible. Dedicated sluts have developed a plethora of risk-reduction strategies that can minimize the chances of infection and/or unwanted pregnancy, including barriers, vaccines, and medications that can prevent some diseases from being transferred during sex.
3. Q: What are some safer-sex protocols that can minimize the risks of infection and/or unwanted pregnancy?
A: Please research the safer-sex protocols that apply to your life and plan to protect yourself and your lover from HIV, herpes, hepatitis, gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, shigella, human papilloma virus, cervical cancer, unwanted pregnancy, and a host of other nasties. Medical research and recommendations are beyond the scope of this volume, but the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (www.cdc.gov) maintains a website with up-to-date information on safer sex, as do many feminist and LGBTQ organizations.
4. Q: What are some risk-reduction strategies for sex?
A: The goal for most of us is risk reduction, sort of like defensive driving. Yes, a drunk could kill you at any time while you are cruising down the highway, and most of us take our best shot at safety and go on driving. There are ways to have hot satisfying sex without performing the erotic equivalent of skydiving with a faulty parachute. Here are some that we, and sluts we know, have used successfully.
5. Q: What are some barrier methods for safer sex?
A: Barriers: The Rubber (or Nitrile or Polyurethane or...) Fence - Utterly basic technique: Put something impenetrable between you and the virus. Today, many people decide to follow their sexual urges to far-out places by being scrupulous about the use of barriers. Careful use of barriers includes condoms for vaginal sex, anal sex, and fellatio; gloves for masturbation of a male or female partner or for insertion of fingers or hands into vaginas or anuses; and dental dams or plastic wrap for cunnilingus or analingus.
6. Q: How can barriers be used in a pleasure-enhancing manner?
A: For tips on how to use barriers in a pleasure-enhancing manner, check out chapter 23, "Sex and Pleasure," and some of the books in Further Reading. And if you're not completely comfortable using any of these barriers, practice!
7. Q: What is fluid bonding or fluid monogamy?
A: Fluid Bonding - One popular safer-sex strategy used by some couples and small groups is called fluid bonding or fluid monogamy. The primary couple or group agrees that they are safe to play with each other with no barriers, and that they will use condoms, dams, and/or gloves very conscientiously with all their other partners.
8. Q: What are the risks and benefits of fluid bonding?
A: If barriers were infallible, fluid bonding would be a nearly perfect strategy; unfortunately, they are not. Some diseases live on the pubic mound, perineum, outer labia, or scrotum, which latex can't cover. Pinhole leaks can allow viruses to creep through, although this happens less often than antisex crusaders would have you believe. Condoms can break or come off during sex.
9. Q: What is PrEP and how does it work?
A: Preexposure Prophylaxis - If you engage in activities that could pass along HIV, or if you're partnered with someone HIV-positive, look into PrEP, a new category of medication that is showing great promise in preventing HIV infection. PrEP consists of a drug that can be taken daily by anyone whose sexual behaviors put them at significant risk for contracting HIV.
10. Q: What are some risk-reduction strategies for sex that involve eliminating high-risk behaviors?
A: Avoiding High-Risk Behaviors - Another risk-reduction strategy is simply to eliminate some forms of sexual expression from your repertoire. Many people have chosen to forgo forms of sex that involve putting mouths or penises into or near anuses, feeling that the particularly high risks of this form of play are not worth its reward. Others have decided not to engage in any form of penetration with an organic penis.
11. Q: What are some safer alternatives to high-risk sex?
A: If all this winds up sounding like no sex at all, please consult one of the good books about sex in Further Reading—there are hundreds of ways to share really hot sex that don't involve somebody squirting inside somebody else.
12. Q: What are the risks of sex and drugs?
A: Sex and Drugs - If you think you can't enjoy sex without being high or drunk, we'd like you to reconsider that belief. While a small amount of an intoxicant can relax you and help eliminate some nervousness, being significantly altered can lead to impaired boundaries, poor judgment, and misunderstandings about consent.
13. Q: What are some risk-reduction strategies for sex and drugs?
A: If you do want to try the riskier-than-usual experience of stoned or drunk sex, please remember to do your negotiations before the scene begins, with an understanding that there will be no surprises or changing of agreements partway in. And make sure that everyone involved has consented: "Hey, honey, I just dropped a double dose of Ecstasy—let's fuck" without the prior consent of those who might be affected is often a profoundly bad idea.
14. Q: What are some risk-reduction strategies for birth control?
A: Birth Control - Mother Nature is called that for a reason—sometimes it seems like she wants everybody to be a parent. Even when you utterly know that you don't want to get pregnant this time, some deeper urge can easily lead you to forget a pill or count the days wrong. Birth control involves tricking the busy little eggs and sperm into not doing their jobs and tricking your own instincts into letting you do the trick right.
15. Q: What are some birth control options?
A: The possibilities include birth-control pills, longer-term chemical birth control like Norplant and Depo-Provera, diaphragms and cervical caps, condoms, IUDs, sponges and foam, and tubal ligation, among others. Some women with regular menstrual cycles succeed at the rhythm method, particularly if they and their partners learn to enjoy outercourse during their fertile periods.
16. Q: What are the risks and benefits of different birth control options?
A: Birth control technology is, alas, far from perfect: reliable, reversible, easy, side-effect-free contraception is still a dream. Unwanted pregnancies need no longer be the life-shattering tragedies of yesteryear, but they are still awful, and we hope that none of you ever has to have one.
17. Q: What are some risk-reduction strategies for STDs?
A: Testing and Prevention - We think it's essential for ethical sluts to be tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases on a regular schedule. How frequently depends on the risk factors in your life. Ask your doctor, clinic, or Planned Parenthood office, and follow their advice.
18. Q: What are some ways to prevent STDs?
A: While most STDs are preventable only with barriers and care, recently developed vaccinations can protect you against several potentially deadly forms of hepatitis and, if you aren't already infected, human papilloma virus. If you engage in nonmonogamous anal or vaginal play, these are a very good idea; they are expensive but cheaper than getting sick. Discuss them with your health care provider. You'll still need barriers against all the rest of the microscopic nasties.

Response:
# 13

# KEEPING SEX SAFE

The term _safe sex_ , later amended to _safer sex_ , was coined to talk about how we can design sex to minimize the risk of HIV transmission…but sex has never been altogether safe. It's been only a few decades since more reliable birth control became available, and only a few before that since antibiotics began curing illness, insanity, and death caused by sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) like syphilis and gonorrhea. Herpes is still incurable, and we still have only limited answers to cervical cancer from human papilloma virus. No matter what your orientation, your practices, or your risk factors, in today's environment, careless sex can kill—which means that you have to protect yourself and your partners.

Given that sex is never completely safe, ethical sluts put time, effort, and commitment into getting as much sex as they want at the least risk possible. Dedicated sluts have developed a plethora of risk-reduction strategies that can minimize the chances of infection and/or unwanted pregnancy, including barriers, vaccines, and medications that can prevent some diseases from being transferred during sex.

"Given that sex is never completely safe, ethical sluts put time, effort, and commitment into getting as much sex as they want at the least risk possible."

Please research the safer-sex protocols that apply to your life and plan to protect yourself and your lover from HIV, herpes, hepatitis, gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, shigella, human papilloma virus, cervical cancer, unwanted pregnancy, and a host of other nasties. Medical research and recommendations are beyond the scope of this volume, but the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (www.cdc.gov) maintains a website with up-to-date information on safer sex, as do many feminist and LGBTQ organizations.

We don't think you need to cover every portion of your anatomy with latex before you touch another human being. The goal for most of us is risk reduction, sort of like defensive driving. Yes, a drunk could kill you at any time while you are cruising down the highway, and most of us take our best shot at safety and go on driving. There are ways to have hot satisfying sex without performing the erotic equivalent of skydiving with a faulty parachute. Here are some that we, and sluts we know, have used successfully.

Barriers: The Rubber (or Nitrile or Polyurethane or…) Fence

Utterly basic technique: Put something impenetrable between you and the virus. Today, many people decide to follow their sexual urges to far-out places by being scrupulous about the use of barriers. We hope you don't need us to explain this to you at this point in history, but careful use of barriers includes condoms for vaginal sex, anal sex, and fellatio; gloves for masturbation of a male or female partner or for insertion of fingers or hands into vaginas or anuses; and dental dams or plastic wrap for cunnilingus or analingus.

Gloves or condoms make it easy to keep any sex toy that will be used by more than one person nice and clean and bug-free. Clean your toys thoroughly after each use, sterilize if you can, and let them rest, clean and dry (most of the bad bugs cannot live long without moisture). If there are toys that you really want to use on more than one person within the same little bit of time and that can't be covered with a barrier, we suggest you buy two or more of them.

The use of a good water-based lubricant can do wonders to make barrier-using sex more pleasurable for both or all partners. For tips on how to use barriers in a pleasure-enhancing manner, check out chapter 23, "Sex and Pleasure," and some of the books in Further Reading. And if you're not completely comfortable using any of these barriers, practice!

Penis owners can masturbate with a condom until it becomes easy. We have heard of one dedicated fellow who managed to put on eighteen condoms at once—he said the tight squeeze felt really good. And why not get a little playful with your rubber? Female condoms require some practice to place properly over the cervix, so be prepared to use up a few—preferably before you have a partner sitting there twiddling their thumbs, waiting for you to figure it out—as you acquire the skill.

If you are inexperienced with condoms and plastic wrap, give yourself some space to learn. Get playful, spill some lube, and roll around in it; invent creative ways to wrap body parts in plastic wrap and then find out what interesting new things you can feel. Plastic wrap doubles nicely as a risk-reduction barrier and a bondage toy, and it comes in colors. Explore the taste and feel of your safer-sex equipment, and check lubricants on tender places for allergic reactions—not fun to discover when you are all excited that it itches inside and you have to go wash that stuff out right now. Pay attention to the sensual qualities: fine latex is wonderfully silky, and the best lubricants feel like liquid velvet.

We want you to have fun and make wise choices: we need all the readers we can get, so we don't want to lose you.

EXERCISE: PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT

_For penis owners:_ Commit to masturbating with a condom at least once every three or four times you masturbate until you feel like you have that skill down perfectly.

_For anyone who has sex with penises:_ Buy a large box of condoms—the cheap kind are okay for this—and practice putting them on bananas, cucumbers, or dildos, in as sexy a way as you can…first with your hand and then with your mouth. Use up the whole box.

_For everyone:_ Make a list of ways you can get off with little or no risk of fluid transmission.

Fluid Bonding

One popular safer-sex strategy used by some couples and small groups is called **fluid bonding** or _fluid monogamy_. The primary couple or group agrees that they are safe to play with each other with no barriers, and that they will use condoms, dams, and/or gloves very conscientiously with all their other partners. Both of us have made such agreements with life partners. To do this kind of agreement, partners get thoroughly tested for HIV and other diseases. You might have to wait six months to be sure, because HIV antibodies don't reliably show up in the bloodstream for some months after an individual is infected. Once you're sure everyone's healthy, you're free to practice unprotected sex with one another and to use barriers with your other lovers. Be sure you're in clear agreement about which sexual acts are safe enough to do without a barrier and which ones require a barrier. To reach such an agreement, everyone involved will have to do some homework on the risk levels of various activities and decide together what level of risk is acceptable to you. Don't forget to factor in information from everybody's individual sex histories.

You may wish to restrict certain kinds of sex—often vaginal and/or anal intercourse with a living penis, which place the participants at highest risk for disease transmission—to your primary relationship. Any time you are actively trying to make a baby, you might not want to engage in potentially reproductive activities with all and sundry.

If barriers were infallible, fluid bonding would be a nearly perfect strategy; unfortunately, they are not. Some diseases live on the pubic mound, perineum, outer labia, or scrotum, which latex can't cover. Pinhole leaks can allow viruses to creep through, although this happens less often than antisex crusaders would have you believe. Condoms can break or come off during sex.

If you are fluid bonded and you experience a condom failure, you and anyone else involved will have to decide together whether to begin again with HIV testing and six months of barrier usage, or to risk the possibility that one of you has been infected and could infect the other. If there is any possibility of an unwanted pregnancy, talk together about the morning-after pill.

Preexposure Prophylaxis

If you engage in activities that could pass along HIV, or if you're partnered with someone HIV-positive, look into PrEP, a new category of medication that is showing great promise in preventing HIV infection. PrEP consists of a drug that can be taken daily by anyone whose sexual behaviors put them at significant risk for contracting HIV. As of this writing, the drug seems to have a very high success rate and negligible side effects—in cities where doctors prescribe it regularly, the number of new HIV diagnoses are plummeting. We do want to note that this is a relatively new medication, it can be quite expensive, and there are still some doctors who are (inexcusably) reluctant to prescribe it to anyone except an HIV-negative person who is partnered with an HIV-positive person. It's also worth pointing out that PrEP does not protect against other sexually transmitted conditions, including pregnancy; thus, condoms are still a good idea if you're the owner of a fertile uterus or if you're doing penetrative sex with people of unknown health status.

Avoiding High-Risk Behaviors

Another risk-reduction strategy is simply to eliminate some forms of sexual expression from your repertoire. Many people have chosen to forgo forms of sex that involve putting mouths or penises into or near anuses, feeling that the particularly high risks of this form of play are not worth its reward. Others have decided not to engage in any form of penetration with an organic penis.

If all this winds up sounding like no sex at all, please consult one of the good books about sex in Further Reading—there are hundreds of ways to share really hot sex that don't involve somebody squirting inside somebody else.

Every decision you make requires that you balance your own desires against your assessment of the risks. Remember when you're making your decisions that desire is powerful and important and that there's no point in making rules you can't live with. Even abstinence can be risky: one friend of ours points out that celibacy can be like dieting—"I can be really good during the week but then I binge on the weekends." On the positive side, expanding your range of hot sexual expression by learning new and exciting ways to have sex can leave you both safe and satisfied.

"Every decision you make requires that you balance your own desires against your assessment of the risks."

Sex and Drugs

If you think you can't enjoy sex without being high or drunk, we'd like you to reconsider that belief. While a small amount of an intoxicant can relax you and help eliminate some nervousness, being significantly altered can lead to impaired boundaries, poor judgment, and misunderstandings about consent.

If you do want to try the riskier-than-usual experience of stoned or drunk sex, please remember to do your negotiations _before_ the scene begins, with an understanding that there will be no surprises or changing of agreements partway in. And make sure that everyone involved has consented: "Hey, honey, I just dropped a double dose of Ecstasy—let's fuck" without the prior consent of those who might be affected is often a profoundly bad idea.

We prefer the natural high of endorphins, oxytocin, and all the other lovely chemicals our body produces during good sex—and the stuff that needs to be swallowed or inhaled or smoked or whatever can get in the way of feeling what we set out to feel, including our connection with the sweet individual who's sharing the sex with us.

If you feel that your use of intoxicants has become problematic, many larger communities sponsor their own recovery groups, including groups for sluts. We encourage you to find a group where you feel enough at home to do the work of learning new habits without having to censor yourself.

Finger Crossing

We recognize that desire is a powerful force in our lives, and most of the time we like to celebrate that. But the reality is that acting on desire without taking responsibility is not ethical. A whole generation of people, particularly gay and bisexual men, grew up knowing that their desire to feel a living penis inside them could never be considered safe. PrEP has made things a little safer but still requires some advance, well, preparation. Barebacking (penetration without a condom) remains a very hot transgressive thrill that has tempted many of us to throw caution to the winds in the interest of getting that much closer to a lover.

Simply hoping for the best, denying that you're at risk, or failing to keep your agreements about barriers is _not_ an acceptable strategy for birth control or disease protection. If you don't have the honesty and courage to face the genuine risks of your sexual behaviors, you certainly don't have what it takes to be an ethical slut, and we question whether you should be having sex at all.

We are shocked and worried by the levels of denial we see among some sexual communities that would like to believe that because new treatments have slowed down the progress of HIV, the cure has been found. People are still dying. Even if your lifestyle seems to make HIV exposure unlikely, you are still at risk for herpes, hepatitis, HPV, chlamydia, syphilis, and a host of other diseases. Kinsey's statistics from back in the 1940s indicated that slightly more than half of relationships that are theoretically monogamous in fact involve sexual contact with outside partners. Get educated and take care of yourself.

Testing and Prevention

We think it's essential for ethical sluts to be tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases on a regular schedule. How frequently depends on the risk factors in your life. Ask your doctor, clinic, or Planned Parenthood office, and follow their advice.

One friend of ours, new to meeting other sluts online, was agreeably startled to discover that some prospective partners routinely brought their most recent test results to the first coffee date—perhaps a new definition of the "card-carrying polyamorist."

While most STDs are preventable only with barriers and care, recently developed vaccinations can protect you against several potentially deadly forms of hepatitis and, if you aren't already infected, human papilloma virus. If you engage in nonmonogamous anal or vaginal play, these are a _very_ good idea; they are expensive but cheaper than getting sick. Discuss them with your health care provider. You'll still need barriers against all the rest of the microscopic nasties.

Birth Control

Mother Nature is called that for a reason—sometimes it seems like she wants everybody to be a parent. Even when you utterly _know_ that you don't want to get pregnant this time, some deeper urge can easily lead you to forget a pill or count the days wrong. Birth control involves tricking the busy little eggs and sperm into not doing their jobs and tricking your own instincts into letting you do the trick right.

Birth control technology is, alas, far from perfect: reliable, reversible, easy, side-effect-free contraception is still a dream. Unwanted pregnancies need no longer be the life-shattering tragedies of yesteryear, but they are still awful, and we hope that none of you ever has to have one.

If you have ovaries and a uterus, have intercourse with people who have testicles, and could possibly be fertile, you must take active steps to ensure that you won't get pregnant until and unless you choose to. The possibilities include birth-control pills, longer-term chemical birth control like Norplant and Depo-Provera, diaphragms and cervical caps, condoms, IUDs, sponges and foam, and tubal ligation, among others. Some women with regular menstrual cycles succeed at the rhythm method, particularly if they and their partners learn to enjoy outercourse during their fertile periods. There is a lot of good information available about the risks and reliability of all these methods; your physician, clinic, or Planned Parenthood can help you make a good choice.

For testicle-owners who have intercourse with uterus-owners, the choices are (unfortunately) quite limited. If you know you are unlikely to want to have children in the future, a vasectomy is minor surgery that will relieve you of a great deal of worry. If you hope to be a parent someday, use those condoms—and lobby for research into better male contraception.

When someone gets pregnant unintentionally, this can be, to put it mildly, difficult. If everyone involved agrees that an abortion is the best choice, that can be pretty unpleasant in and of itself; if there is disagreement, it can be shattering. Until such time as science enables everyone to carry fetuses in their bodies, we believe that the final decision has to belong to the person with the fetus inside, but we sympathize deeply with the person who would like to raise a baby and whose partner isn't willing or able to carry it. We do think that both partners should share in the financial and emotional burden of an abortion or a pregnancy.

If one, both, or all partners are interested in being a parent, and someone is willing to carry the fetus to term, ethical sluthood opens up a wealth of options for parenting. Please don't feel that the only way to be a parent is to get married and buy a house in the suburbs—perfectly marvelous children come out of shared parenting arrangements, intentional communities, group marriages, and a multitude of other ways to nurture and support a child.

Committing to Healthy Sex

You may notice that we have gone out of our way not to tell you what decisions to make about your sexual behavior. Only you can decide what risks feel acceptable to you, and we believe that letting anybody else make that decision for you virtually guarantees that you won't follow through on your choices.

You must, however, _make_ choices. You must choose to do your homework and learn what you need to know about risks and rewards. You must choose to do the work of saying no to sex that doesn't meet your own safety criteria and of being prepared to say yes to sex that does: discovering you're out of condoms at the wrong moment is a recipe for disaster. You must choose to approach your sexual behaviors in a mature, realistic, and _sober_ manner—intoxication plays a role in a shockingly high percentage of HIV infections and unwanted pregnancies.

You must be prepared to share your sexual decision making and history with any potential partners you encounter. If consent is at the core of ethical sluthood—and it is—your partners must be able to give informed consent to whatever risks are involved in having sex with you. You, of course, have the right to expect that same honesty from them.

You won't like talking about this stuff, especially not with a new lover. It's depressing and scary, definitely not erotic, and sometimes horrendously embarrassing. Allow us to reassure you: the first time is the worst. Practice makes perfect, and after you've been over all these ugly and lethal possibilities a few times, you will become less sensitive and learn to deal with what you need to with ease and grace. Many people avoid the discussion on a first date by agreeing upon the safest possible practices for that encounter and then negotiating more specifically later on. If you know you have a risk condition, like active herpes, silence becomes less of an option; you need to invite your lovers to collaborate with you in avoiding infection, and they have a right to enough information to make their own choices.

On a cheerier note, getting good at talking about sex has some very nice rewards, once you get through blushing. Chatting about the fun stuff is a turn-on and the best way to get exactly what you want in the way of pleasure. Then you can learn what your partner gets excited about, which will make you the best of all possible lovers.

We, and most of the people we know, make fairly conservative choices about what health risks we take in our sexuality. We know from experience that it is quite possible to have exciting, satisfying, fabulously slutty sex without lying awake nights worrying afterward. And isn't that the kind of sex we all want to have?


Input:
 Title: Raising Kids in a Polyamorous Household

1. Q: How can a single parent ethical slut maintain a fulfilling sex life while being a responsible parent?
A: The single parent ethical slut can check out a number of creative options for maintaining a fulfilling sex life while being a responsible parent. This can include having lovers babysit all the kids so all parents have a chance to go out together or sharing childcare responsibilities with other single parents.
2. Q: What are some challenges for parents in polyamorous relationships?
A: Questions about what and how much to tell your kids, how to prepare them for difficult questions in the outside world, and how to help them relate to the new people who arrive and depart in their lives can be challenging for any parent in a polyamorous relationship.
3. Q: How can parents in polyamorous relationships provide consistency and security for their children?
A: While you might assume that inclusive relationships might generate massive inconsistency, our experience is just the opposite. Our connections tend to form sprawling extended families that have plenty of energy to welcome all the children, and the children readily learn their way around the tribe.
4. Q: How should parents handle sex education for their kids in a polyamorous household?
A: All parents must make their own decisions about what kind of sexual information their children should have at any given age. For the health and well-being of the child, a balance must be struck between offering too much information, which might seem scary or overwhelming, and too little, which might leave the child with the message that naked bodies and sexual arousal are so dangerous and embarrassing that it's not okay to even talk about them.
5. Q: How much should children be exposed to their parents' sexual relationships?
A: Children should not be included in adult sexual behavior. However, education is not abuse, and children need enough information to make sense out of what the adults are doing so they can grow up to their own healthy understanding of sexuality.
6. Q: How can parents in polyamorous relationships model healthy relationships for their children?
A: Parents in polyamorous relationships can model physical and verbal affection for children, which is how they learn to be affectionate adults. However, it is important to make decisions about the appropriate dividing line between physical affection and sexual demonstrativeness.
7. Q: How should parents handle nudity around children in a polyamorous household?
A: Nudity is a gray area, and it is important to consider the ages, levels of sophistication, and perceptions about existing relationships when making decisions about nudity around children. Kids can be very sensitive to issues like sexual display, and flashing is clearly a violation of boundaries.
8. Q: What are some boundaries that should be maintained around children in a polyamorous household?
A: It is illegal and immoral to allow your kids to engage in any form of sexual behavior with any adult or to allow your partners to be sexual or seductive with your kids. Many children go through one or more sexually explorative and/or flirtatious periods in their lives, but it is important that adults maintain especially good boundaries during such periods.
9. Q: How should parents in polyamorous relationships answer their children's questions about sex and relationships?
A: Kids' questions about sex and relationships can often be challenging, and it is important for parents to provide honest, heartfelt responses. It is also important to test their willingness to receive information and to maintain good boundaries while doing so.
10. Q: How can parents in polyamorous relationships establish positive relationships with their lovers' children?
A: When you establish a positive relationship with the children in your environment, they will respond by developing a positive relationship with you. It is important to find a way to solve any problems that arise and to maintain close friendships with children even after a relationship with their parent has ended.

Response:
# 14

# CHILDREARING

If you're raising kids today, you have it a little bit easier than sluts of yesteryear—images of families in books and television aren't quite as limited to _Leave It to Beaver_ and _Ozzie and Harriet_ as they were in our childhoods. Still, even though divorce and single parenting are now acceptable topics, our culture is slow to catch up to the other realities of our lives: media images of multipartner relationships, and other nontraditional constellations are still rare.

Yet kids take to these relationships quite readily, perhaps more so than to the traditional nuclear family: children have grown up in villages and tribes for most of human history. Janet remembers having some of her first desires for group living during vacations with her then-husband's expansive extended family, when she noticed that her kids, surrounded by loving adults with plenty of time on their hands, were happier, more docile, and less fragmented than she'd ever seen them. During her kids' teen years, she lived in a group household and watched her sons adapt quite readily to the comings and goings of a disparate group of adults—one of whom was almost always free to answer a question, troubleshoot a computer program, experiment with a recipe, or play a game.

The single parent ethical slut can check out a number of creative options for maintaining a fulfilling sex life while being a responsible parent. When Dossie was sharing a house with two other single mothers, one of her lovers used to babysit all the kids so all three mothers had a chance to go out dancing together. A friend of ours used to babysit her younger sister and the kids next door so that her parents could fool around with the next-door neighbors. We have seen families of lovers whose kids become friendly "siblings," learning from one another and all adults available to them, becoming what might look like a preindustrial small village or tribe.

The binary nature of monogamy-centrist thinking tends, we think, to cause problems: you're either the love of my life or you're out of here. Both of us have found that opening our lives to other kinds of connections also opens our children's lives. Still, many parents have a great deal of difficulty bridging the gap between responsible parenting and inclusive relationships. Questions about what and how much to tell your kids, how to prepare them for difficult questions in the outside world, and how to help them relate to the new people who arrive and depart in their lives can be challenging for any parent.

We have never had problems creating consistency and security for our children in a sexually interconnected extended family. While you might assume that inclusive relationships might generate massive inconsistency, our experience is just the opposite. Our connections tend to form sprawling extended families that have plenty of energy to welcome all the children, and the children readily learn their way around the tribe.

Some shifts in the population are inevitable, but in our experience children take that kind of mobility for granted and perhaps develop a flexibility that might serve them well later in life. If we prepare them for a life where any change at all is seen as a disaster, how will they manage? Better, perhaps, to learn that loss may be difficult, but we do get through it, pick up the pieces, and go on with our lives. One way parents can offer consistency to children is to model healthy adaptation to change. Another good form of consistency is to be honest with yourself and with your children—when you live your life in integrity, everyone can count on you to be exactly who you, wonderfully, are.

Sex Education for Kids

As you've surmised, we think an abundance of relationships can be highly beneficial to family life and that children gain role models, attention, and support in the polyamorous extended family. Clearly, children should not be included in adult sexual behavior. Education, however, is not abuse, and children need enough information to make sense out of what the adults are doing so they can grow up to their own healthy understanding of sexuality.

All parents must make their own decisions about what kind of sexual information their children should have at any given age. For the health and well-being of the child, a balance must be struck between offering too much information, which might seem scary or overwhelming, and too little, which might leave the child with the message that naked bodies and sexual arousal are so dangerous and embarrassing that it's not okay to even talk about them. We don't want to terrify the kids, and we don't want them to come into their own adult sexual lives with the belief that sex is dirty and shameful.

Remember, sex education is an issue for all parents, whatever their lifestyle. We want our kids to have good information and freedom of choice, and they are often living in neighborhoods and going to schools where many parents believe that kids should be denied all information about sex (or else they might turn out to be sluts like us).

To make matters more complicated, our culture currently is deeply divided about the entire subject of sex information and kids. Some people consider any form of sex education to be somehow dangerous. Some authorities feel that when children have "precocious" information about sex, it must mean that the child is being abused by an adult. We are, however, adamantly opposed to "abstinence-only" so-called sex education. How are we to teach our children to say no to an abusive adult if we are not frank about what it is that they should say no to? When we try to keep sex secret from our kids, they are aware that something is going on, but they don't know what. And if we leave them to get their sex information from equally ill-informed kids or from online pornography, we consign them to the jungle. Our kids need and deserve adult support in learning about and negotiating sexuality, as they do in all other aspects of life.

There are countries in Europe where sex education in the schools for children of all ages is routine, including information on ways to make sure the sex is pleasurable. Films of such classes show confident, curious students, comfortable with the material—and these countries have extremely low rates of teen pregnancy.

What to Share, and Not

You'll have to decide how much your kids should know about your sexual choices, such as multiple partners, same-sex partners, or alternative family structures. Our experience is that kids figure such things out quicker than you think they do but that they may not figure them out exactly right.

One word of warning: If you are living in a community that does not share your standards about sex education, your desire to educate needs to be balanced against the need for the child to learn what is and is not okay to share with the outside world. When you teach your kids, you will need to talk with them about how other people's standards operate and about what information might be problematic to share.

There are still many places in this country where living a nontraditional sexual lifestyle is considered a justification for legally removing your children from your custody. Even when you are sure you are doing no harm, you still may need to protect your kids from puritanical neighbors, teachers, and other outsiders. We can't give you concrete guidelines on this, because only you can know the atmosphere in your particular community and the personalities of your own children.

There are also, sadly, many places in this country where children who are "different" (differently gendered), perhaps with parents who are not the hetero couple that Hollywood recommends or who otherwise fail to fit in to the narrow narratives of traditional America, may be subject to soul-crushing bullying. Schools owe it to their students, both legally and ethically, to provide a safe space for learning. If your child or the child of someone you care about is being bullied, please speak up and make sure the school is fulfilling its legal obligation to protect people who are too young to take care of themselves.

What Should They See?

We think it's a good idea to model physical and verbal affection for children; that's how they learn to be affectionate adults. But you'll have to make some decisions about the appropriate dividing line between physical affection and sexual demonstrativeness.

Do your kids get to see you hugging your partners, kissing them, touching them? These are all decisions we can't make for you. You have to think them through yourself—taking into account such issues as their ages, their levels of sophistication, and their perceptions about your existing relationships—and abide by your own decisions.

Nudity is a gray area. We certainly don't think kids are harmed by growing up in households where casual nudity is the norm. But children who have never been around nude adults may be upset if nudity is suddenly introduced into their living room. Kids can be very sensitive to issues like sexual display, and flashing is clearly a violation of boundaries. Certainly, if a child expresses discomfort with being around your or your friends' nudity, their desires should be respected. And we hope it goes without saying that no child should ever be required to be nude in front of others—many children go through phases of extreme modesty as they struggle to cope with their changing bodies, and that, too, deserves scrupulous respect.

What Should They Do?

It is illegal and immoral to allow your kids to engage in any form of sexual behavior with any adult or to allow your partners to be sexual or seductive with your kids. Many children go through one or more sexually explorative and/or flirtatious periods in their lives—this is natural and common. But it's important that you and your friends maintain especially good boundaries during such periods; learning polite and friendly ways of acknowledging a child's changing needs without engaging sexually is a critical skill for ethical sluts who spend time around their own or their partners' kids. The best way to teach your child good boundaries is to be clear about your own and to respect the child's right to grow up free from violation.

Answering Their Questions

Kids' questions about sex and relationships can often be challenging—from the five-year-old's, "But how does the seed get _to_ the egg?" to the teenager's, "So how come you get to fuck anyone you want, but I have to be home by midnight?" And today, when many kids come from small nuclear families with little exposure to older children, the job of sex education falls squarely on the shoulders of parents.

Here's where the skills you've learned in other parts of this book can come in handy. You owe your kids honest, heartfelt responses to questions like these; this is not the time to come on all high-handed and parental. Particularly with older children and teenagers, it's fine to let them know if you're feeling ambivalent or embarrassed about something: they'll know anyway, believe us. If a situation makes you angry or sad, share that, too. They may need some reassurance that your emotion isn't their fault and some reinforcement that it's not their job to help you feel better.

It's also fine to test their willingness to receive information. Before you start heaping data on their heads, you can try prefacing your communication with a question like, "Do you want to know about [whatever the topic is]?" Janet remembers a conversation with her older son when he was about ten: she'd just done a "birds and bees" rap and had perhaps gotten a little carried away. At the end of her long speech, she asked him, "So, as long as we're on this topic, is there anything else you want to know?" He replied, fervently, "Mom, you've already told me _much_ more than I wanted to know."

Good boundaries are important, too. While your kids are certainly entitled to express an opinion about the way you choose to run your life, they don't get to dictate it. The flip side of this is that you owe it to them to help prevent their lives from being unduly impacted by a lifestyle they never chose. So you may need to clear the sexy books off the coffee table when your kids' friends are visiting, and take down your favorite erotic art. We hate to suggest that you hide _our_ book in the closet, but so it may need to be. Well, nobody ever said parenthood—especially slutty parenthood—was going to be easy.

"While your kids are certainly entitled to express an opinion about the way you choose to run your life, they don't get to dictate it."

Your Lovers' Kids

When your lovers have kids, you are involved with those kids, too—one friend of ours refers to the many children he helped his lovers raise as his "practice kids," helping him learn parenting skills for the child of his own that came along later.

You'll need to make decisions together about what to tell the kids about your relationships, and you need to learn what decisions are conventional in your lovers' families. It may not matter whether younger children know or understand that some of the connections in their families are sexual and others are not. But all adults in families with children have a responsibility to make a connection with the kids we come in contact with, and to foster our own children's connections with our friends and lovers. Single sluts with no previous connection to children may find themselves in a position of needing to learn how to deal with children in their extended family.

Fact of life: Everyone around children will eventually need to set limits with them. There may be some challenges as you work to reconcile your own limits with the habits and styles of a family that was working just fine before you arrived in it. Expressing your needs can be an opportunity for the kids to learn that different adults have different needs, that Jane can nap through a rousing game of Inside Tag whereas Jean needs an hour of quiet.

It may be that you find yourself disliking one of your lover's kids. Perhaps something about this particular child pushes your buttons: they may remind you of your horrible older brother or maybe even your young self. Or the child may be angry with you, or dislike you, for reasons entirely beyond your control: perhaps you are "replacing" a beloved parent or other adult who has been lost to death or divorce. Whatever the reason for this problem, you are the adult and it is your responsibility to find a way to solve it. Resolution will undoubtedly take some time, a fair amount of energy, and a great deal of patience, but we believe it will be worth it, for you and your lover and the kids.

Early in Janet's relationship with her spouse E, there was a lot of friction between him and her young adult son, mostly over issues that will sound familiar to any stepparent: housekeeping, noise levels, courtesy. Then, she recalls, "We were visiting my mother for a few days, and the two of them were escaping the domestic whirlwind out in the back yard. E expressed sympathy about a difficult personal situation my son was encountering. They had a beer together and really talked, from the heart, for the first time—and suddenly E could see my son the way I see him, as a socially awkward young man, not always too aware of the physical realities around him but with a huge heart and a lot to give. From that evening on, they've had little trouble working together on normal household stuff and have in fact become good friends."

When you establish a positive relationship with the children in your environment, they will respond by developing a positive relationship with you. We know of ex-lovers who have maintained close friendships over many decades with children with whom they had no biological relationship. Thus are slut families built and maintained.

Poly Pioneers: Marston, Marston, and Byrne

One of the concerns that outsiders often bring up about multipartner households is the inevitable, "But what about the children?" In your authors' experience, children of multipartner households are at least as likely as kids raised in a nuclear family to be healthy and happy. One multipartner household produced not only four successful human children, but also a wildly successful imaginary "child": Wonder Woman, the first female superhero.

William Moulton Marston was a Harvard graduate, author, and psychologist; he drew the connection between falsehood and blood pressure that underlay the creation of the lie detector. His wife Elizabeth "Sadie" Holloway Marston was an editor and administrator—in the parlance of the day, a "career woman." Their partner Olive "Dotsie" Byrne, William's former research assistant, took primary responsibility for raising the triad's four children—two from Sadie and two from Dotsie—and caring for the household.

It was William who had the original idea of a superhero whose powers were based on love rather than violence, but it was Sadie who replied, "Fine, then make her a woman." And Wonder Woman's dark-haired, red-lipped appearance and forceful but nurturing personality seem to have been based to a significant degree on Dotsie—William remarked in an interview that Wonder Woman's "amazonium" projectile-repelling bracelets were based on a silver pair that Dotsie often wore.

Any reader of the original 1940s "Wonder Woman" comics is aware of their strong kink component—we doubt they could have been published in a more erotically aware age. Besides the ongoing portrayal of bondage (of which Wonder Woman's "lasso of truth" was only one example), themes of dominance and submission, flagellation, and even infantilism surfaced often. William spoke in interviews about bondage and submission as pathways to a better world. The comics also dealt with prescient questions of restorative justice and the tension between individualism and social health, in addition to raising money for polio awareness/prevention and other worthy causes.

Wonder Woman outlived her creator in name only. Incarnations of the heroine after William's death in 1947 soft-pedaled her strength and feminism: by the end of the 1960s, she had surrendered her Amazonian powers and was running a boutique. (A 2010 relaunch reverted to something closer to the original heroine.) Sadie and Dotsie, though, lived together, in a household described by visitors as loving and cheerful, for the rest of their lives.