Input: Write a comprehensive guide on anal penetration for women, including basic preparations, finger-fucking, fisting, and using strap-on dildos. Discuss the various techniques and positions for each activity, as well as the potential risks and ways to practice safer anal penetration. Also, address any cultural taboos or body image concerns that may arise during anal penetration and provide tips for overcoming them. Finally, suggest resources for further learning and experimentation.

Response:
_**chapter thirteen**_

**Anal Penetration**

Anal penetration is very intimate sex play for me. I love the whole process of building trust, and the slowness of it.

ANAL SEX IS DELICIOUS. The delicate folds of the anus and the tender lining of the rectum are rich in nerve endings and transmit very subtle sensations. Even a slender fingertip can produce enormous anal pleasure.

Many women say they experience their most intense orgasms through anal penetration, especially when combined with clitoral stimulation. Perhaps you like anal penetration because you experience indirect G-spot stimulation through pressure on the walls of the rectum. You may relish the naughty thrill of engaging in a form of sexuality thats so taboo.

The three keys to pleasurable anal sex are communication, relaxation, and lubrication. The women of Toys in Babeland call them their butt-play mantra: "You can never have too much of any of those three, so talk about it, breathe deep, slap on more lube than you think is necessary, start slow, and have fun!" 1

#  **Take a Tour**

Make yourself comfortable—take a hot bath, put on some relaxing music, light some candles, and unplug the phone. Grab a hand mirror and your favorite lube.  Slip on a latex glove. (If youd rather not use a glove, make sure your nails are smoothly filed and your hands clean and soft. See "Basic Preparations," below.)

You can sit on the bed or lean back in a plush chair. Hold the mirror between your legs; or, for an even better view, kneel or squat over the mirror. Viewing the puckered folds of the anus, you can appreciate how delicate it is. Were often so crass in how we refer to our asses that we forget how tender we are there.

Rub a lubed finger over the opening. Get used to the feeling of your anus being stimulated. Slip just the tip of your lubed finger inside. Notice the heat you generate, the firm grip of your sphincter muscles on your finger, and the pulsing sensation as the anus becomes aroused and the tissues engorge with blood.

You have two muscles at the opening of your anus: the external and internal sphincters. The external sphincter is a voluntary muscle—you can flex the external sphincter as you squeeze your PC muscles. The internal sphincter is involuntary—it reacts automatically to stimuli like pleasure or fear. However, like other involuntary muscles, it can be trained.

If you poke directly at the anus, the sphincter muscles will clamp down in an automatic response much like the blinking of an eye. This response, which some sex educators call the "anal wink,"2 explains many bad anal sex experiences. Someone attempts to enter you by poking a finger or toy into your anus. Your internal sphincter closes against the intrusion. It hurts. You tell the errant partner to remove the finger, butt plug, or dildo. Next time a finger, dildo, or butt plug nears your anus, your unforgiving sphincter clamps down against the memory of that painful intrusion.

Rather than condition your anus for pain, you can condition it for sexual enjoyment. With relaxation, communication, and lots of lube, you can teach your sphincters to anticipate pleasure.

The anus opens into the anal canal, which is only an inch or two long. If you reach a lubed finger a bit deeper inside your anus, you can feel the tight anal canal opening into the roomier rectum. The rectum is 4 to 6 inches long and curves in a gentle _S_ shape. The rectum ends in the rectosigmoidal junction (the top of the _S),_ which leads to the colon. When you feel the need to defecate, you are feeling feces pressing on the rectosigmoidal junction. (Unlike the  vagina, theres no "end" to your rectum; objects really _can_ get lost in there. See the guidelines later in this chapter for selecting anal toys.)

The lower portion of the rectum curves toward the front of your body; the upper portion curves back toward your spine. Your fingers are probably not long enough to follow these curves, but you can use a slender dildo to find the point at which your rectum curves forward. Of course, each persons anus and rectum are unique.

Like the clitoris, the tissues of the anus and rectum engorge with blood as you become aroused. Your mirror may reveal your anus opening as you get turned on. The rectum also expands—not as readily as your vagina, of course, but you can fit a finger, a dildo or penis, a butt plug, or even an entire hand inside your butt. Unlike the vagina, the rectum does not produce its own lubrication.

**_Ten Reasons to Have Anal Sex_**

1\. Anal penetration feels fabulous!

2\. Relaxation. Many of us hold tension in the anal area. Anal penetration provides a great way to get a massage—from the inside.

3\. Anal penetration can help heal and even prevent hemorrhoids.3

4\. You can make friends with a part of your body youve been taught (at best) to ignore.

5\. You can have it all. On your knees, with your partner penetrating you anally from behind, you can press a vibrator to your clit, reach your fingers inside your vagina, stimulate your G-spot, and even feel your partners fingers, dildo, or hand through the thin wall of tissue separating your vagina from your rectum.

6\. Anal penetration can provide indirect G-spot and clitoral stimulation.

7\. You can have mind-blowing orgasms.

8\. Because anal penetration is associated so strongly with stereotypes about gender and power, its great for playing out many fantasies. You can be a submissive girl being taken by her dominant lover. With dildos and harnesses, you can pretend youre gay boys in the backroom of a bar.

9\. You can feel terribly naughty! Nothing like breaking a taboo to make you feel deliciously bold.

10\. Anal penetration can create a sense of vulnerability and surrender. You can feel utterly taken. You can give it up in a big way.

The lining of the anus and rectum is very delicate and will tear easily—reasons to be extremely careful in choosing insertive anal toys and to tend to your manicure.

In biological males, the prostate gland, which is located on the front wall of the rectum, several inches in from the opening, can respond to stimulation similarly to the G-spot. If you play with a male-to-female transsexual (MTF), remember that she _has_ a prostate gland. Ask her whether or not she finds prostate stimulation pleasurable.

#  **Basic Preparations**

_I like giving myself an enema with a red rubber bottle and hose, but it must be private. I love the way it feels when the warm water goes inside me._

Here are some suggestions for preparing for anal penetration:

• _Get a manicure._ Even if your ultimate goal is to penetrate your partner with a dildo, youll most likely start with your hands. Trim your nails as closely as possible. File your nails until they feel smooth against the skin of your face. Remove hangnails. Use lotion to soften your cuticles. (If you want to keep your nails long, slip cotton balls over your nails before you put on a glove.)

• _Wear a glove._ Even if you and your partner are fluid-bonded, wearing a glove will enhance anal sex. Why? The glove will protect your partner from your nails and will provide a super-smooth surface.

• _Eat sensibly._ Make sure your diet includes plenty of fiber and whole foods. Avoid sesame seeds and strawberries—or any foods containing nuts or small seeds, which will scrape rectal tissue.

Anal penetration combined with clitoral stimulation will make me come like a freight train!

• _Empty your bowels_ before you play.

• _Bathe._ Soaking in a hot tub will relax you as well as render you deliciously clean and pink.

• _Give yourself an enema._ Some people prefer to have an enema before anal penetration. Fisting experts recommend enemas before deep anal play. Youll find detailed information on enemas in Tristan Taorminos _The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women_. Here are some enema basics: You can find enema kits, bulb syringes, and enema bags in any pharmacy, and nozzles that attach to your showerhead in mail-order catalogs (see the resources chapter). For the novice, the simplest method will be to purchase a prepared enema kit, such as Fleet, empty out the solution, and rinse well. Commercial enema preparations contain laxatives and harsh chemicals that can irritate your rectum. Plain, filtered water heated to 100° F is the best choice. Gently squeeze the warm water into your rectum until you feel full. Wait a few minutes and evacuate the water and any feces in your bowels. Repeat until the water you expel is clean. Have your enema several hours prior to sex. Do not have an enema after sex. Frequent enemas can wash mucosa out of your rectum; do not do this daily. Never add stimulants like coffee or alcohol to enemas—you could become very ill. Never share enema equipment.

• _Relax!_ Both the insertive and receptive partner need to be relaxed for successful anal penetration. Bathe together. Kiss and touch. Trade massages. Talk to each other. Share your anal sex fantasies. Feed your desire for anal play with each other.

_I had the pleasure of introducing my girlfriend to her first anal experience. I tried to do it in the way that I would like to have had it done. I spooned her from the back, kissing her neck and rubbing whatever my hands could reach. After whispering in her ear what I was about to do to her, I began massaging her butt, working my way to her anus. I put plenty of lube on one finger of a gloved hand. I played with the outside for several minutes, all the while kissing her neck and talking to her. I asked her how it felt and whether I should continue. Finally, I inserted the tip of the finger. She was relaxed, not tense, no sharp intake of breath. I increased the penetration until I got about half of my finger in. We decided that that was enough. Since that time, almost two years ago, she has become more adventuresome, taking in whole fingers or a cute pink plug._

**Illustration 12. Anal Finger-Fucking**

#  **Finger-Fucking**

Your fingers are perfect tools for anal play—theyre communicative, sensitive, and agile. As with vaginal penetration, you can use your fingers as a prelude to penetration with a dildo or hand, or as the main event.

Begin with your partner lying on her belly, with her legs open and her hips propped up on a pillow, or on her back with legs spread and a pillow under her butt. Slip on a latex glove and put some lube on your finger. Spread your partners asscheeks. With the palm of your hand facing up, run your lubed finger over the opening. Caress the anus with the pad of your finger; dont poke into the anus. Circle the opening slowly and then more quickly; and then run your finger across the opening. Watch her responses. Ask her what each stroke feels like. Build up a rhythm of touches and responses.

As the receptive partner, you are in charge. You can tell your partner exactly which touches you like and which you dont. You can ask her to slow down, to touch you with more or less pressure, or to add more lube to her finger. You may feel shy talking about your butt while a finger is stroking you. Or you may find it difficult to put words to such subtle physical sensations. Heres an opportunity to build up a vocabulary for anal sex. Soon youll be telling your partner exactly how to stimulate your butt!

The insertive partner can put that information to good use. When the receptive partner indicates that a particular stroke is unpleasant—not enough lube, too hard, too scratchy—the insertive partner can watch for corresponding physical responses. Can you notice tension in the opening of your partners anus? Has her anus closed? Are the muscles in her ass and thighs contracting? Do you notice a change in her breathing?

Similarly, when your partner is cooing with pleasure, notice how that translates into physical response. Can you notice her muscles relaxing? Has her anus opened? Is it contracting or pulsing with engorgement? Has the color of her anus deepened as blood fills the tissues? Hows her breathing? What sounds is she making? Can you bring her to moans by gently caressing the anal opening with the pad of your finger?

You can ask her to instruct you in exactly how to enter her. She may say, "Just the tip of your finger, please" or "Slide your finger in very slowly."

Draw your fingertip along the crack of her ass until the pad of your finger lies across her anal opening. Slip the pad of your finger into her. Enter her until just the tip of your finger is inside. Stay still until she adjusts to the pressure and fullness. As her internal sphincter muscle relaxes, her anus will seem roomier. Wait for her to tell you to insert more of your finger or to move inside her. She may like a subtle pulsing or fluttering of your fingertip; or she may prefer a subtle in-and-out motion.

When shes ready, push your finger in a little further—perhaps to the second knuckle. Again, stop and give her a chance to adjust to the sensations. Then push your finger all the way in. As necessary, pull your finger out and add more lube. Reenter slowly.

What if it hurts? If your partner feels pain, _stop._ Anal sex is not supposed to be painful. Pull out, lube up your finger, and start over. Caress the outside of the anus. Ask her to tell you when shed like you to enter her again. Go slowly. But dont fill her as deeply—stop before you reach the point at which she felt pain. At each step of the way, let the receptive partner take the lead. As with vaginal penetration, give her just a little less than she seems to want. Let her desire grow to engulf your finger.

Once your finger is inside, ask her what kind of movement she likes. Experiment. You can circle the walls of her anus or rectum, or you can press against the front wall of her anus, providing indirect stimulation of her vagina, clitoris, and G-spot. You can gently thrust in and out. Remember that as you add more fingers, more fullness, more pressure, or try new strokes, you may need more lube.

Anal finger-fucking is a slow build-up. She may want two or three fingers as her arousal increases. Or she may be satisfied with one. The first time you play anally, you may get no more than part of one finger inside her—thats fine. The goal is quality, not quantity.

Some women reach orgasm easily with anal penetration. The mounting pleasure in those ultrasensitive nerve endings radiates into an intense orgasm. If you prefer indirect clitoral stimulation, you may enjoy two fingers pressing rhythmically against the front wall of the rectum. That may be enough stimulation for your clitoris and G-spot. Or, you may like direct clitoral stimulation from fingers,  a tongue, or a vibrator. You may like to be filled both vaginally and anally. Once youre fully aroused, you may like a hard thrusting motion—just remember to add plenty of lube.

#  **Anal Fisting**

Everything said about vaginal fisting applies tenfold to anal fisting, since the tissue of the rectum is less pliable and more easily torn than that of the vagina. Anal fisting requires patience, trust, and desire—and prodigious quantities of lube. Why would anyone want to put a whole hand into a partners rectum—or feel her own anus and rectum stretched to receive a partners hand? Like vaginal fisting, anal fisting is very intimate and intensely pleasurable.

Your anal fisting journey may begin one day when you feel sexually insatiable. Or, after a session of anal play, your partner may turn to you and say, "I felt so open, I swear I couldve taken your whole hand."

Isnt anal fisting dangerous? Wont fisting stretch you out? No, fisting will _strengthen_ your sphincters, not harm them. As one fisting devotee put it, "Training a muscle to do new and sometimes extraordinary things generally doesnt interfere with its function." 4 Tales of fisting enthusiasts wearing diapers are pure urban myth.

Anal fisting is a great activity for women who enjoy a long, slow session of anal play. You cant rush anal fisting. It also helps not to be goal oriented. Never force the body to accommodate more than feels pleasurable at the time. If you dont get a whole fist inside on the first try, you may on the next. Even if you never take an entire hand, you can have a lot of fun in the process of trying!

As the receptive partner, you have to _want_ your partners hand inside you for your anus and rectum to open enough to receive it. You have to trust your partner not to hurt you—to know what shes doing—and to treat your openness and vulnerability with respect and caring.

Fisting her anally is a huge rush. I am filled with aggression, yet am tender in my attempts.

As the insertive partner, you have to slow your desire down to the pace of your partners responses. You have to want to feel your partner from the inside—badly enough to make an art of a practice few understand. You have to trust your partner to communicate at every step of the way.

As with all anal play, make sure your partner is aroused before you penetrate her. Begin with one or two fingers. Slowly increase the number of fingers until you have four fingers inserted up to the widest part of the hand. Add more lube frequently. As in vaginal fisting, when you meet resistance, pull back. Add lube. Resume, slowly. Your partner may like you to slide straight in or rotate your hand to twist your way in.

**Illustration 13. Anal Fisting**

When youre inside, up to your wrist, be still until your partner adjusts to the intense sensations of fullness. She may want you to go no further, or she may ask for even deeper penetration. She may want you to gently rotate your hand, apply pressure on the front wall of the rectum, or thrust in and out—but by millimeters!

She may be too overwhelmed to even _think_ of an orgasm—or she may feel an intense need to come and then have your hand out of her. You can stimulate her clitoris with your fingers, tongue, or a vibrator to bring her to orgasm. _Even if she demands that you remove your hand immediately, pull your hand gently and slowly out._

Fisting is an overwhelmingly intense and vulnerable activity. Make sure you take time to care for each other afterward.

#  **Strap-On Dildos**

_Theres just something about being fucked in the ass with a dildo that really gets me hot. I like the way it make me feel vulnerable and open and used. Not politically correct lesbian stuff, I guess, but its one of the best ways to make me orgasm._

Having a big, tough dyke pound her enormous cock into your butt is a great fantasy—but in reality, youd do best to start with fingers, working up to a small butt plug, then perhaps a slender dildo, to a wider plug, and finally a sizable dildo.

You might want to purchase a strap-on dildo just for anal play—not only is that hygienic (see "Anal Penetration—Safely," below), but you may find that though you like a thick, hefty dildo for vaginal play, you may be more comfortable with a long, slender dildo for anal play.

Receptive partner on top is a good position for anal sex with a strap-on dildo. The receptive partner can control the depth and speed of the thrusts. Rear entry can work well, too, if the insertive partner remains still as the receptive partner pushes back onto the dildo. The receptive partner stays in control, because the insertive partner doesnt have nerve endings in the tip of her dildo and the rectal tissue is easily torn. Remember that rectal tissue is much more delicate than vaginal tissue.

**_Tristan Taorminos_**

**_"Beyond Our Bodies: Emotional and Psychological Aspects of Anal Eroticism"_**

Our emotional, psychological, and spiritual well-being plays a major role in our erotic experiences, and our experiences of anal sexuality are no exception.

People have a lot of fears and negative feelings about anal eroticism. Some of them stem from our societys myths and taboos about anal sex. Myths about anal sex being unnatural, perverted, dirty, painful, and dangerous have become very real fears in peoples minds. It is important to realize that we are all made aware of the anal taboo and myths starting in childhood and therefore we are all affected in some way by them.

_As the Receptive Partner, What Are Your Fears?_

• My lover will think Im weird for wanting it.

• Ill get hemorrhoids.

• It will be messy, and my butt will smell bad.

• Ill get constipated or have diarrhea.

• It will hurt; something will get ruptured.

• It wont feel good—I wont like it.

• I wont be able to take her dildo.

• Ill get an STD or another disease.

 _As the Insertive Partner, What Are Your Fears?_

• Ill hurt my partner or make her bleed.

• It will be dirty, and Ill get shit on me.

• I wont do it right.

• I wont like it.

• My lover will think Im weird for wanting it.

• Ill get an STD or another disease.

While most of these fears have their roots in myths and misconceptions about anal sex, it is important to respect and validate your partner when she shares her fears. Reassure each other that either one of you can stop activity at any time and be fully supported by the other one. Set concrete ground rules and boundaries about what is OK and what isnt; as experiences progress, the boundaries can change if needed. Each person needs to know that she will be safe from both pain and disease during anal sex and that there is mutual trust and respect.

Fear and tension that are not articulated and resolved will ultimately be felt in your anus, which will be tense and unwilling. Nina Hartley reminds us, "Of all the parts of your body, nothing knows a liar like your anus. So if your mind is saying Yes! Yes! and your heart is saying No! No! your anus will always listen to your heart." 5

Having an open, honest discussion can help illuminate what each person wants from the experience and why, so that both people are less likely to make incorrect assumptions about the other persons desires and expectations.You can ask each other, What do you want? What do you expect? What are your needs and desires?

• I want to work my way up to one finger, then stop.

• I want to be able to have the small dildo in my butt.

• I want everything to feel safe.

What have your previous experiences been with anal eroticism? Share them, discuss them.Why do you want to explore anal sensuality?

• I want to explore something new with my partner.

• Im curious about what it feels like.

• Ive done it before and want to do it again.

• You want to do it and I dont want to say no to you.

• I want to feel closer to my lover.

• Its something special and intimate and something I want to share with my partner.

• I saw it in a porn movie, it turned me on, and I want to try it.

• Its always been a fantasy of mine.

Fantasies can be incredibly powerful forces in our lives, erotic and otherwise. Many people fantasize about erotic activities like anal sex but are afraid to vocalize their desires.The myths and misinformation about anal sex contribute to the silence and sometimes prevent us from satisfying our curiosities. Sharing our sexual fantasies with a partner can deepen a sexual relationship and help us communicate our needs and desires.

It is equally important to distinguish our fantasies from our realities. If your favorite masturbatory fantasy involves someone ramming your butt repeatedly with a swollen silicone dick that makes you come every time, dont be surprised if you dont get the same result when you try it out.There are some fantasies that we can share and help bring to life and others that should probably remain fantasies. Have realistic expectations for yourself and know the limits of your own body, especially when it comes to anal sex. One finger in your anus and a whisper in your ear about that big dick might just do the trick.

During the experience, talk to each other, find out what feels good and what doesnt, whats working and whats not.

• How does this feel?

• Would you like more or less movement?

• Do you want me to play with your pussy while Im doing your ass?

• How is this position?

• That feels great—keep doing it.

• I love doing this to you.

• Do you want another finger now?

Afterward, have a little debriefing session to review how it went and get feedback you can use for next time. Remind each other about goals you set. Did I go too fast, did I use enough lube? Was there enough in-and-out movement, or do you want more of just that pressure feeling? What did you like about my fingers versus the butt plug? Is there something I can do differently next time? Do you want more genital stimulation while Im playing with your butt?

Compliments always feel good—criticism does not. Be generous when you communicate with your partner. If you want to tell her or him about something you didnt like, why not start that conversation with something you did like? But make sure you do talk about what wasnt pleasurable as well as what was pleasurable. Communication at all phases of an anal sex experience will ultimately enhance it, help both partners to articulate their needs, and, ideally, help everyone get what they want out of anal sex.

**Illustration 14. Anal Penetration with Strap-On**

#  **How-Tos of Anal Penetration**

• As the receptive partner, youre in charge. Tell your partner exactly how you want to be penetrated.

• Use lube—lots of lube. You can warm the lube by running hot water over the bottle before you play.

• Snap on a glove and lube up just one finger. Build up slowly.

• Circle the anus, stroking just the opening; kiss and nibble her inner thighs and ass as you caress her anus.

• Tease her—give her less than she wants, and then a little more.

• Slide the pad of your finger inside. Dont poke!

• Press toward the front or back of the rectum, move in circles inside her, thrust in and out.

• Slide a butt plug inside your partner—then penetrate her vaginally or stimulate her clitoris. (Position the tip of the plug beside her anus and enter her at an angle. Do not poke the plug into her.)

• With your dildo or fingers inside your partner, caress her breasts and belly.

• Climb on top of your partner and slowly lower yourself onto her dildo.

• Slide a vibrating cock ring over your dildo and grind against your partners butt.

• On your hands and knees, push back against your partners fingers or dildo.

• Bring out the toys—add nipple clamps, bondage, and vibrators to anal sex.

• Slip the fingers of one hand inside your partners vagina while the other hand penetrates her anus.

##  **Positions for Anal Penetration**

_The only time Ive had an orgasm with anal penetration was when I was on my knees and my partner inserted her finger into my anus and slowly moved it in and out while I held a vibrator on my clitoris._

Any position that works for vaginal penetration can be adapted for anal play. You can kneel or sit between your partners legs—a great position for finger-fucking, fisting, or penetration with a handheld dildo. Receptive partner on top is particularly  useful for anal sex with a strap-on because the receptive partner can easily control the depth, speed, and intensity of her thrusts. Missionary position is also fine for strap-on anal sex. Many anal sex aficionados prefer missionary position in a sling to any other anal sex position. Side by side will work for more gentle and slow penetration.

Rear entry is a favorite position for anal finger-fucking, fisting, and strap-on sex. This position allows the receptive partner a lot of movement; if the insertive partner remains still, she can completely control the action.

**Illustration 15. Anal Penetration with Butt Plug**

#  **Toys for Anal Penetration**

Once again, lube tops the shopping list. When it comes to anal penetration, lubricant is the most important item in your toy chest. Unlike the vagina, the rectum is _not_ self-lubricating. And the tissue of the rectum, while elastic, is fragile and easily torn.

Many women switch to oil-based lubes, like Crisco, for anal play. Oil-based lubes do not evaporate as quickly as water-based lubes. They are thicker and more viscous and create a more slippery feel. Some find that mixing olive oil with their favorite thick water-based lube will make a slipperier concoction.

However, I encourage the use of water-based lubricant for two reasons: First, if, despite your best efforts, lube should drip from the anus into the vagina, the use of oil-based lube will make a bad situation worse. Not only will you get anal bacteria in your vagina, but the oil will help it stay there. Second, petroleum products break down latex, causing small perforations in condoms and gloves.

Can you use oil-based lube safely for anal penetration? Yes, but with care. First, take extra precautions to make sure lube doesnt drip from the anus into the vagina. Second, change your glove every 15 minutes. The oil will not degrade the latex in your glove in less than 15 minutes. Condoms, however, are much thinner than latex gloves; if you use oil-based lube with a latex condom, assume that you will have to disinfect the toy after use—since the oil will have made pinprick holes in the condom. If you really want to use an oil-based lube with your dildo, invest in polyurethane condoms. ( _Never_ use oil-based lube on a latex condom covering a penis—after coming in contact with petroleum in the lube, the condom will offer you no protection.)

Nitrile gloves—in addition to being useful for people with latex allergies—can be used safely with oil-based lube.

There are a few basic rules for choosing toys for anal penetration:

• The toy must have a flared base to prevent it from slipping inside your rectum and working its way into the colon. Anal beads must be securely fastened to their string and have a ring on the end to hold onto.

• The toy must have a smooth surface—no sharp edges or breakable parts.

• You must be able to clean the toy with antibacterial soap and hot water.

• If you intend to use the toy to penetrate your partner deeply, it must be flexible enough to maneuver the curves of the rectum.

Many toys used for vaginal penetration, such as dildos and harnesses, work well for anal penetration. There are also toys designed specifically for anal play. Butt plugs are designed to stay inside the rectum. They take advantage of the sphincter muscles tendency to grip around an object. Butt plugs range in size from a few inches long and no thicker than your thumb to bigger than a fist. You can even find butt plugs shaped like star fruit. You can purchase a variety of vibrating butt plugs as well.

Anal beads are small balls attached to a string. During anal play, you insert the progressively larger orbs into your partners rectum. When shes about to come, you pull them out. Traditionally, anal beads were made from cheap hard plastic and even had sharp seams that had to be filed down. Now you can find anal beads in a variety of materials, including silicone, which is much softer and more hygienic (you can boil silicone to clean it).

There are a number of vibrators designed for anal insertion, including a long, slender, curving vibrator with a flexible spine that allows it to retain any shape you bend it to.

Dont forget to start small! Buy the smaller butt plug; you can always move on to something larger later on. (See chapter 17, Sex Toys and Accoutrements, for more on penetrative toys.)

#  **Anal Penetration—Safely**

The number one safety rule for anal penetration is: _If it hurts, stop!_ Dont engage in any activity that could possibly abrade the lining of the rectum. Dont continue any activity that causes bleeding.

Why would a lesbian need to wear a latex glove for anal sex? No semen, no problem—right? Wrong! If you have small cuts on your fingers, you could be infected by your partners _E. coli_ bacteria.6 Before you toss out the gloves, pour some vinegar over your hand. If you have any small cuts, youll know!

Dont share toys without thoroughly cleaning them with disinfectant soap and hot water. Even if you use a condom on that dildo, clean it before you use it on yourself or another partner. Always clean toys after anal sex and before vaginal penetration, to prevent anal bacteria from getting inside your vagina. If possible, buy silicone toys, which you can clean by boiling for two or three minutes. Or, keep a set of "dedicated" anal toys.

#  **Where to Learn More**

You may find an anal sex workshop at a sex toy boutique near you. If not, check out instructional videos and DVDs on anal sex—see the resources section for videos and DVDs by Tristan Taormino, Shar Rednour, and Nina Hartley. Sex ed begins with masturbation; to explore solo anal eroticism, see Joseph Kramers _Anal Massage for Relaxation and Pleasure—_ its all about boys, but we have rose-buds, too. I highly recommend Tristan Taorminos Anal Advisor pages (see link below). In Q&A format, Tristan addresses over 100 topics specific to anal play.

When it comes to sexually explicit content, lesbians have a long history of borrowing from gay men. Perhaps by the time of the next edition of this book, there will be websites for lesbians who want to learn about anal fisting. For now, I highly recommend RedRight, a website that takes its name from the hanky code. A red hanky in the right back pocket indicates that one is a fisting "bottom" (receptive partner). See below.

**_Safer Anal Penetration_**

• Get a manicure. Make sure your nails are smoothly filed.

• Use latex, nitrile, or vinyl gloves.

• Put on a fresh glove when you switch activities or partners.

• Use water-based lube.

• Use condoms on your dildos. Always use a fresh condom when switching sexual activities or partners.

• Dont share dildos and vibrators without cleaning between uses.

• Dont allow bacteria from the anus to enter the vagina.

#  **Suggested Web Links**

REDRIGHT

www.winternet.com/~redright/redright.html

TRISTAN TAORMINO ANAL ADVISOR

www.puckerup.com/anal_advisor/anal.htm

SOURCE OF SIDEBAR

Tristan Taormino, "Beyond Our Bodies: Emotional and Psychological Aspects of Anal Eroticism," from _The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women_ (Cleis Press, 1997).


Input: Write an in-depth chapter on gender and its role in lesbian sex. Discuss various aspects of gender, such as gender identity, intersexuality, transgender, and transsexuality. Explore the experiences of male-to-female and female-to-male transsexuals, including hormonal and surgical treatment options. Address common questions and concerns that partners of transgendered individuals may have. Also, discuss sexual orientation, including the Kinsey scale and the complexities of self-identification. Finally, delve into the dynamics of butch/femme attraction and dispel common myths about butch/femme relationships.

Response:
_**chapter fourteen**_

**Gender (Not Destiny)**

Lesbian sex begins and ends with who I am as a woman.

GENDER IS SEXY. That lesbian in heels and hose is so unmistakably feminine and so aggressively erotic—and so unconditionally interested in her own sex. That butch exudes sexual confidence—standing with thumbs hooked in belt loops, flexing her thigh muscles to draw attention to the lump in her jeans. That ambiguously gendered person is at once hotly erotic and so startling as to be disturbing.

For some, gender is a plaything, the best sex toy in the play room. They enjoy cross-dressing and purposely mixing gender signifiers—femmes with dicks, butches in femme drag. For others, genders a matter of style, a way of presenting oneself to the world. And for still others, words like _butch, femme, queer,_ and _transgender_ speak to a deeply held identity, one that cant be peeled off at the end of the night like a costume.

Whether a dildo is just a dildo is up to you, of course. How you relate to gender is personal—and no opinion of your gender matters but your own. You neednt locate yourself on a gender continuum of masculinity and femininity or label yourself at all unless thats useful for you.

Your gender identity can shift and change over the course of a lifetime. Or your gender identity may remain constant—but your acceptance of yourself, your capacity to be on the outside exactly who you are on the inside, may grow over the years.

What does gender have to do with lesbian sex? Think of your _sex_ as your physical equipment, your _gender_ as what you do with it, and your _sexual orientation_ as the territory of your desire.

#  **What Is Gender?**

How do you know youre female? Are you female because you have a clitoris? Because your adult life has been marked by cycles of ovulation and menstruation? Because you were raised as a girl? Because you were forced to be female? Because you "feel" female?

Gender is more than anatomical sex; gender is how you relate to your biological sex. Your gender identity may or may not agree with your biological sex. For instance, you may have a womans body and identify as male. You may experience your clitoris as a cock, your breasts as a chest.

You may have a womans body and delight in your femininity—yet know to the core of your being that your experience of the feminine bears little resemblance to that of a heterosexual woman. The distinctions may be beyond words. Your queer gender may place you utterly beyond the realm of "male" and "female"—and even words like _lesbian_ and _bisexual_ may have become irrelevant for you. You may find all of the outward signals of gender irrelevant—your womans body speaks for itself. You may view yourself as androgynous. Or you may prefer to skip the discussion entirely.

You may be anatomically male and identify as female. On you, a penis is your clitoris; a prostate, your G-spot. Regardless of how youre "read" on the street, you know youre female.

So, then, what makes a person female or male? Is it anatomy? Identity? Some combination of the two?

Gender roles can be defined by fashion (who wears the pants), economics (who gets the paycheck), and sexual roles (whos on top), as well as the particulars of culture and religion, history and class. (Remember when Rosie the Riveter was expected to morph into a Stepford Wife? "No more power tools for _you,_ honey!")

You may try to "read" gender by observing secondary sex characteristics, such as facial structure and facial hair, fat and muscle distribution, body mass, vocal pitch, movement, and linguistic style.

You can determine "sex" anatomically by looking at the external genitalia. Historically, women were defined as nonmales: penis = male; no penis = female. You can look, instead, to reproductive biology: A female has ovaries, a male testes. You can examine hormones, defining a female as a person who produces more estrogen and progesterone than testosterone. You can look at genetics, defining a female as a person with XX rather than XY chromosomes.

Male and female sexual anatomy is actually quite similar—we share the same bits of engorging erectile tissue and the same nerve endings. Were simply arranged differently. In the early stages of fetal development, there is no anatomical difference between male and female. The genitals begin to differentiate at about the eighth week.1 Glans tissue develops into either the glans of the clitoris or the glans of the penis. Clitoral hood and foreskin develop from identical tissue, as do the labia and scrotum, the testes and ovaries, and the shaft of the penis and the shaft of the clitoris. It isnt until the fourth to fifth month of pregnancy that you can reliably detect a fetuss sex from an ultrasound procedure.

#  **Intersexuality**

But what if all gender characteristics arent in alignment? In fact, according to the Intersex Society of North America (ISNA), one infant in 1,600 is born with something other than XX or XY chromosomes, and one infant in 2,000 is born with what medical professionals refers to as "ambiguous genitalia." 2 Intersexed infants may have genitals that dont appear distinctly male or female. So whos to decide whether that genital appendage is a clitoris or a penis?

Unfortunately, medical authorities consider it their prerogative to make that decision. A babys phallus must be a minimum of 1 inch long to be considered a penis; however, a clitoris must _not_ be longer than ⅜ of an inch. That leaves more than ½ inch of what one writer calls "a veritable pubic Twilight Zone, the land  of ambiguous genitalia." 3 What happens to the infant born with a phallus longer than ⅜ of an inch but shorter than 1 inch?

The medical response to intersex conditions has been to intervene surgically—in some cases soon after birth and in other cases at puberty (when unexpected sexual development may occur). Most intersex infants are determined to be female: the overly large clitoris is surgically reduced to a "normal" size. As a result of such mutilation,4 many intersex women have reduced clitoral sensitivity, and some are unable to reach orgasm.

The rationale for early medical intervention is that what a child doesnt know wont hurt her—which, of course, is anything but true. The real reason behind most surgery on intersexed children is discomfort with the idea that "male" and "female" might be something other than immutable categories.

Not surprisingly, human variation doesnt fit into those two neat little boxes. According to the ISNA, "Anatomic sex differentiation occurs on a male/female continuum." 5

Yet the medical approach to intersexuality is rooted in the idea that to function "successfully" in society, children must have a "fixed" gender identity from an early age. The childs genitals must "match the standard anatomy" for his or her gender. Boys must have penises, and girls must have vaginas "with no easily noticeable phallus." 6

Are intersex women lesbian? Bisexual? Heterosexual? Can you tell by looking at a persons genitals if she or he is intersexed? What pronouns do intersexed people prefer? All of this will vary from person to person. Ask.

_Im transgendered due to an intersex birth condition, a dyke, and femme by nature. Thank the Goddess we are more than the adjectives we and society use to identify us!_

#  **Transgender and Transsexual**

_Transgender_ is an umbrella term that includes all who dont feel that their designated sex (female or male) exactly matches their gender identity. This can include  male-to-female transsexuals (MTF) and female-to-male transsexuals (FTM), along with transvestites, drag kings and drag queens, and butches and femmes who view their experience of being "female" as different from the dominant social construct.

Some people think of their gender on a continuum, so some butch lesbians may identify more strongly with female-to-male transsexuals than they do with women.

A _transsexual_ is a person whose intent is to live as a gender other than that assigned at birth. Most transsexuals engage in some process of altering primary and secondary sexual characteristics, through hormone treatment or surgery or both. Some transsexuals live full-time in their chosen gender without any alteration of physiology. They dont feel that they must alter their physical bodies to match conventional definitions of male and female. Others engage in hormone treatment without any intention of undergoing genital reconstructive surgery—because the surgery is very expensive and the results are often less than optimal. Transsexuals can be homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual, and may identify as either butch or femme. They may wish to pass as just another man or just another woman—or they may identify as transsexual or "third gender." Regardless, male-to-female transsexuals are women and female-to-male transsexuals are men.

Gender reassignment can affect sex drive. Many MTFs in transition experience a drop in sex drive when they begin taking estrogen, and many FTMs notice a sharp increase in sex drive when they begin taking testosterone. But the hormonally driven changes in libido are only half the story. Greeting the world as a newly formed person is no small challenge—remember puberty?

##  **Male-to-Female Transsexuals**

_I am a woman who happened to be born male through no fault of her own._

Hormonal treatment for male-to-female transsexuals involves taking anti-androgen and estrogen, which results in a decreasing of male secondary sex characteristics and an increasing of female sexual characteristics: less body hair, less muscle mass, higher-pitched voice, growth of breasts, softening of the skin, rounding of the hips, and the development of a girlish tush!

Surgical techniques include upper-body surgery to enlarge breasts (though many MTFs find estrogen enhances their breasts quite adequately) and lower-body surgeries to reshape the male genitalia into a clitoris and vagina.

Lower-body surgery techniques include vaginoplasty and labioplasty. In one technique, the penis is inverted to create a vagina, which is then lined with skin from the penis and scrotum. So while the new vagina isnt self-lubricating, it _is_ made of tissue that engorges with sexual arousal. Some surgeons utilize tissue from the glans of the penis to create a clitoris capable of sensation. They may also construct a cervix from the tissue of the glans of the penis.7

Some MTFs report that they have difficulty reaching orgasm once estrogen and anti-androgens render their penis nonfunctional. They must learn to experience arousal and orgasm in an entirely new way.

_When I transitioned, I became friends with a bisexual girl. Since the hormone regime I was taking meant that my male genitalia no longer functioned, she taught me to experience pleasure in other ways. I had my first female orgasm, and Ive never looked back._

##  **Female-to-Male Transsexuals**

_Becoming comfortable with my body has allowed me to enjoy sex more. I havent physically changed my body yet, but knowing that I will has freed me somehow._

For female-to-male transsexuals, hormonal treatment involves taking testosterone, resulting in increased body hair and muscle mass, deepening of vocal pitch, loss of those curves, and, often, increased sex drive. Surgical techniques include upper-body surgery to reshape the chest and lower-body surgeries to reshape the female genitals into a penis and scrotum.

I love breasts and a dick on the same body.

Testosterone produces an enlarged clitoris for many FTMs. The clitoris can grow to as much as 3 inches long. Some FTMs further enhance the clitoris by pumping it up with a clit pump or a nipple pump. A 3-inch erect clitoris can be inserted into the slit in the base of a dildo designed to hold an egg vibrator.

Some FTMs experience a male sex drive distinct from their sense of their sexuality prior to using testosterone. They speak of an urgency to reach orgasm unlike anything they had previously known.

Upper-body surgery involves a double mastectomy and reshaping of the nipples to produce a flat, masculine chest. Some FTMs find that gender reassignment surgery rekindles an interest in nipple play. Once the physical shape of the chest fits their gender identity, they may find that where once they preferred to ignore their breasts, they now like their nipples tweaked, pinched, sucked, or bitten. Of course, interest in nipple play will vary from person to person.

Lower-body surgery techniques include vaginectomy, metaoidioplasty, and phalloplasty. Vaginectomy is removal of the vagina. In metaoidioplasty, the testosterone-enhanced clitoris is surgically freed from the surrounding structure and the tissue of the labia is used to create a scrotal sac. Phalloplasty involves construction of a penis using skin grafts from other parts of the body. Some procedures involve implanting inflatable prostheses for erection. Some FTMs also opt for complete hysterectomies.8

Many female-to-male transsexuals dont opt for genital reconstruction and so, physiologically, remain female-bodied—though theyd hardly wish to be called "women." These transgendered men have a testosterone-enhanced clitoris, facial and body hair, and increased musculature—but they also have a vagina, a G-spot, and a cervix. Many identify as queer, bisexual, or gay.

#  **Partners of Transgendered Women and Men**

"What pronouns should I use to address my transsexual friends?" "If I date a pre-op MTF, does that mean Im bisexual?" "What if her drivers license says shes female?" "Can I bring my FTM partner to a women-only party?" "My lesbian friends are acting as if Im a traitor. Help!"

When your lovers and friends begin the process of questioning gender identity, most likely youll have a few questions of your own. Thankfully, significant others of transgendered people have begun to organize resources, including email discussion lists and support groups. Contact any of the transgender support organizations listed in the resources for more information—and check out the Web links at the end of this chapter.

So what pronouns should you use? The ones your transgendered partner requests of you, of course. Can you be sexual with a transgendered partner and identify as a lesbian? Some female partners of FTMs identify as bisexual or queer rather than lesbian—if nothing else, they feel its supportive of a partner who no longer identifies as a woman and therefore cant be in a lesbian relationship. What you call yourself, however, is up to you. Sexual orientation is a personal matter. (See "Sexual Orientation," below.)

A quick survey of womens BDSM organizations and email lists reveals many different ways of defining "woman-only" space: genetic women only; genetic and transsexual women; genetic women and transgendered women living full-time (24/7) as women; those having XX chromosomes or living as women 24/7; lesbians and bisexual women; gender identity other than male; genetic females (irrespective of gender expression) and MTFs (irrespective of genital surgery); women and FTMs; and anyone who identifies as a woman.

Partners of FTMs and MTFs have much to say about gender dynamics:

 _When we first started dating, I asked him a few questions—but I was determined not to make him into my Educator on All Things Transsexual. I read books, went to seminars, and watched films on my own. I found it (although I understand the reasoning behind it) very difficult to learn more about who he was as a person, because he really didnt want to talk about his life as a woman. Since that comprised about 35 years of his life, that was leaving out a lot. I dont think it helps when a person thinks you wont think of him as his current gender if he tells you about life as the other. I remember finding out, by accident, what his former name was. Hed never told me. At the time, I felt very strange about it. I would stare at his picture and whisper the name over and over, trying to make it fit with the person I know now. It never did fit, and it took me a little while to realize why not. It just wasnt him, and really it never had been. It didnt change my feelings about him as a man at all._

_Most of the partners Ive had in my adult life have been on the brink of wanting to make some move towards transition. At times it has halted their ability to be sexual with me and other times it has allowed us new places to go in our sex lives._

_I enjoy touching his enlarged clitoris because it makes him fe el like he has a huge penis, especially when I talk dirty to him and tell him that he does._

_The most femme dyke I ever slept with was an MTF transsexual. It was rough, though—I found that I spent a lot of time defending her._

_We are conscious about terminology. Cock instead of clit. Chest instead of breasts._

_My current long-term primary partner identifies as FTM. I think this has had a role in my bisexual identity._

_One of my current lovers is FTM. Hes the first one Ive ever been with. I cant say that its changed my sex life, but being in public is a trip! I havent been out with a guy in years, so its funny to see how people read us when were out._

_Well, I had to learn what it was like to touch an enlarged clit. I had to think a lot about my sexual identity (which happens to be queer). I had to think about how I could manage to not "out" my trans lover and not be read as straight. I had to learn to not gender a body as female because the person I was fucking had breasts and a cunt. After about a month, I could play with my partners nipples and clit and think of him only as a boy._

_I really enjoy boy-on-boy sex with women/genderque er/transpeople—this is partly about stimulating the mind as much as the body—the attitude and roles involved—and partly about my sexuality/gender identity._

_I like to be "daddy." I like to be in charge, in control. Its fun because Im 52" and my MTF partner is 62" but somehow Im so much bigger and taller than her sexually. Im a generous lover. I get off by her giving me head, by fucking her anally, and by fucking her vaginally. Though she doesnt technically have a vagina, when we are having sex, she does. And its as real to both of us as my dick is to both of us._

_I feel more comfortable now with calling myself queer or pansexual as I am not solely attracted to women but to women, genderqueers, transmen, and sometimes even men. I have come to an understanding that it isnt gender that matters to me but the actual person I fall in love with._

#  **Sexual Orientation**

Are you a lesbian because you desire women—or because you dont desire men? Are you bisexual if you fantasize about having sex with men? If you _have_ sex with men? Many of us are familiar with the Kinsey scale, which offers a way of looking at sexual orientation on a 0-to-6 scale, with 0 representing exclusively heterosexual behavior, 6 representing exclusively homosexual behavior, and 3 representing bisexual behavior. Forward-thinking though he was at the time, Alfred Kinsey devised this continuum in 1948.

Kinsey was looking at his respondents behavior. Sexual orientation is, of course, far more complex than which sex acts you perform with which partners. Whom do you desire? Who stirs your fantasies? Whom do you love? For instance, on the Kinsey scale, a lesbian who comes out in midlife after 20 years of heterosexual marriage would probably rank somewhere between heterosexual and bisexual—even though she longed for sex with women for many of those 20 years, rarely  enjoyed sex with her husband, delights in her new sex life, and intends never to have sex with a man again.

#  **Playing with the Boys**

Imagine for a moment two women with identical sexual histories. One calls herself a lesbian, the other a bisexual. How is this possible? Sexual orientation is a matter of self-identification—labels others may toss onto you have little bearing on your realities. For some women, being bisexual means that they enjoy sex with both men and women equally. For others, it means that they feel they have the potential to fall in love with a person of either gender. Some women are sexual with both men and women for their entire lives without labeling themselves at all. You may have sex with men, yet feel that the term _lesbian_ best describes who you are and whom you most desire.

Many women enjoy sex with partners who are as queer as they are. Your preferences may run to gay and bisexual men, or to transsexuals of all genders and in all stages of transition. The sex you have with men and women may be qualitatively very different. For instance, you may enjoy strapping on a dildo to penetrate a male partner, but enjoy being penetrated by your woman lover—or vice versa. You may enjoy nearly identical sex acts with partners of either sex. The sexual activities, roles, or styles you like may vary from person to person and have nothing to do with gender at all.

Perhaps you prefer to be sexual with women whose sexual orientation matches your own. What if youre a lesbian who wants to have sex exclusively with women who also have sex exclusively with women? Thats fine. State your preferences without apology—but remember, yours is a preference, _not_ a moral standard.

Aspects of my erotic life with men get incorporated into my sex with women—I am unable to separate the two.

#  **Butch/Femme**

Many lesbians and bisexual women find that the dynamics of butch/femme attraction intensifies sex. The gender contrast between two women sparks a _frisson_ thats very exciting. Some butches prefer "high" femmes as partners—whether they be powerful femmes fatales or cherished submissives. Some femmes prefer transgendered butches as partners, appreciating such a high degree of masculinity in someone who wasnt born and raised male.

The terms _butch_ and _femme_ may describe your gender identity as much as your sexuality. For you, butch/femme is not just about romance and fashion—or, for that matter, whos on top. After all, a femme is a femme—whether or not there is a butch in the vicinity. Her gender identity is her own, requiring no validation from her complement. Similarly, a butch is a butch regardless of whether a femme takes her arm.

What butch/femme sexuality means varies from person to person. Butches and femmes come in all genders and sexual orientations. You may enjoy butch-on-butch sex or femme-to-femme sex. You may find that you enjoy playing with gender signifiers—like hair, clothing, sexual apparatus, and roles—without adopting a full-time butch or femme identity. You dont have to fit a certain body type or personality style to identify as butch or femme. You neednt wear makeup to be femme or change the oil in your truck to be butch—or adhere to any other gender stereotypes you may have spent years trying to escape. Think of butch/femme as a way of looking at how gender shows up in your life. Butch/femme is a potent sexual dynamic. Its _yours_ to create.

From packing and penetration to passing, lesbians have much to say about butch/femme sexual dynamics.

I like it when butches pack. It shows me theyre forward-thinking and well-prepared. Good form!

_There is something so sexy when the female gender is mixed with that masculine finish. A butch woman makes me swoon._

_I love the exchange of power that goes back and forth from butch to femme. As a butch, I protect my femme partner from harm and am dominant in sex. Yet, at the same time, I am a willing servant to my femmes desires, putting her needs and wishes before mine._

_When I walk, my hips swish and my breasts bounce and my thighs roll with the fluidity that is my femininity._

_High femme is not an everyday thing. But when I go out to cruise or party, it borders on the drag-que enly. This excites me—and attracts butches with balls!_

_While I am very pleased to be a woman, my body is read as a heterosexual one because of the way I live in it, move in it, and adorn it. I dont like that. But its the femme conundrum._

_I am a transgendered stone butch and it is crucial that my lover respect my body image. I have a female body but like to be touched in a way that honors my masculinity._

_I prefer for my butch to "run the fuck." I love the feeling of lying in my lovers arms as she ravishes me! It thrills me to see the love and lust in her eyes as she makes love to me._

_Sometimes, when my femme has orgasmed many, many times, I lie with my head down by her cunt and use a vibrator, imagining it as my dick. Both of us find this very hot and I have powerful orgasms this way._

_I adore only feminine women—and men, for that matter!_

_I am sassy and willful and not easy to "take down" sexually. I need the authority, confidence, and uncompromising identity of a stone butch. Being a stone femme means that I do not want a sex partner who expects a 50/50 sexual relationship (she gets me off and then I get her off). If a butch softens when shes with me and lets me touch her genitals and breasts without resignifying them as male parts, then I most likely would not want to be with that person sexually again._

**_Ten Myths About Butch/Femme_**

1\. _All bi girls are femme._ Not so. Some very hot, tough butches identify as bisexual.

2\. _Butches are stronger than femmes. Masculine = strong; feminine = weak. Butch = top; femme = bottom._ If you believe this, go straight to your room and dont come out until you have read Simone de Beauvoirs _The Second Sex_.

3\. _Butches dont cry._ See #2. Nuff said.

4\. _You have to locate yourself somewhere on the butch/femme continuum. Femmy butch. Butchy femme. Tomboy. Boychick. Butch. Femme._ Nope! Youre not required to label yourself. And if you identify one way now, that may not be your lifelong identity. Gender can change over time.

5\. _Real butches dont get penetrated. Well, maybe in the ass. But if you eroticize your female genitals, youre not really butch._ No way. Many butches enjoy vaginal penetration—with fingers, dildos, and fists. And, while were on the subject, not all femmes like penetrative sex. And some butches love it.

6\. _Femmes dont wear power tools._ Some femmes strap on a dildo and love to penetrate their lovers. What could be more sexually intriguing than a beautiful woman with a surprise under her skirt?

7\. _All femmes wear lipstick. And heels, garters, and lacy lingerie._ Not necessarily so! Lots of women identify as femme without any interest in traditional girl gear. Femme is about sexuality and gender—not necessarily fashion.

8\. _Butches are big and femmes are small._ Butches and femmes come in all shapes and sizes. Butches can have 40DD tits and femmes can wear training bras—or no bra at all!

9\. _All butches play sports._ Not true. Some butches play the piano. And some butches would rather go shopping than play football.

10\. _All butches are attracted to femmes and vice versa._ Lots of butches prefer sex with other butches. And many femmes love femmes.

#  **Suggested Web Links**

BUTCH-FEMME.COM

www.butch-femme.com

THE INTERSEX SOCIETY OF NORTH AMERICA (ISNA)

www.isna.org

FTM INTERNATIONAL, INC.

www.ftmi.org

PARTNERS OF TRANSGENDER PEOPLES JOURNAL

www.livejournal.com/community/partners_of_tg