Input:
Q: What is the main theme of the book?
A: The book appears to be a comprehensive guide to women's sexual health, sexuality, and sexual expression. It covers a wide range of topics, including anatomy, sexual response, orgasm, masturbation, communication, finding sex partners, and various sexual activities such as breast play, clitoral play, oral sex, vaginal penetration, and anal penetration.

Q: What is the intended audience for this book?
A: Based on the table of contents, the intended audience for this book is likely women who are interested in learning more about their sexuality and improving their sexual experiences. It may also be useful for partners of women who want to better understand and satisfy their partner's sexual needs and desires.

Q: What is the tone of the book?
A: The tone of the book appears to be informative, educational, and empowering. It uses language that is both scientific and accessible, and it encourages readers to explore their sexuality in a safe and healthy way.

Q: What is unique about this book compared to other books on women's sexuality?
A: One unique aspect of this book is the inclusion of several chapters on alternative sexual practices, such as BDSM and gender identity. It also includes a chapter on safer sex and gynecological health, which is important information that is often overlooked in other books on sexuality.

Q: What kind of research did the author do to write this book?
A: It's difficult to say for certain without more information, but it's likely that the author did extensive research on women's sexuality, anatomy, and sexual health. They may have consulted medical professionals, sex educators, and other experts in the field. They may also have conducted interviews with women to gain a better understanding of their experiences and needs.

Q: What kind of resources are included in the book?
A: The book includes several resources that may be helpful for readers, including suggested web links, bibliographies, and resource lists. These resources cover a variety of topics related to women's sexuality, including sexual health, sex education, and sexual expression.

Q: What is the purpose of the "Suggested Web Links" sections in each chapter?
A: The purpose of the "Suggested Web Links" sections in each chapter is to provide readers with additional resources and information related to the topics covered in that chapter. These links may lead to articles, websites, videos, or other resources that offer more in-depth information or alternative perspectives.

Q: What are some potential challenges that an author may face when writing a book about women's sexuality?
A: Some potential challenges that an author may face when writing a book about women's sexuality include addressing the diversity of women's experiences and desires, navigating cultural and societal taboos around sex and sexuality, and ensuring that the information they provide is medically accurate and safe.

Q: What is the importance of including a chapter on safer sex and gynecological health in a book about women's sexuality?
A: Including a chapter on safer sex and gynecological health is important because it helps women to understand the risks associated with certain sexual practices and to take steps to protect themselves and their partners. It also provides important information about gynecological health and how it can impact sexual function and pleasure.

Q: How can an author ensure that they are being inclusive and respectful when writing about topics related to gender identity and sexual orientation?
A: An author can ensure that they are being inclusive and respectful when writing about topics related to gender identity and sexual orientation by doing thorough research and consulting with experts and community members. They can also use language that is respectful and avoid making assumptions or perpetuating stereotypes. Additionally, they can include a range of perspectives and experiences to reflect the diversity of the LGBTQ+ community.

Response:
Table of Contents

Praise

Title Page

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Preface to the Second Edition

Introduction

chapter one - Welcome

chapter two - Desire and Fantasy

Whats Your Fetish?

Run Wild

Make Your Dreams Come True

Nurture Your Libido

Sex + Intimacy

Fantasy

Lesbian Porn

Suggested Web Links

chapter three - Anatomy and Sexual Response

Anatomy

Sexual Response

Sexual Response over a Lifetime

Suggested Web Link

chapter four - Orgasm

This Is Taking Too Long

If You Cant Have an Orgasm

Does Viagra Work for Women?

How Do You Come?

Getting Her Off

Multiple Orgasms

Tantra and Extended Orgasms

Ejaculation

Suggested Web Links

chapter five - The Road to Heaven Leads to You

A Love/Hate Relationship

Take a Good Look

Appreciate Yourself

Take It In

Join the Crowd

Get Into Your Body

Somatic Healing

You Are What You Eat

Get a Pelvic Exam

Safer Sex, Please

Be Present

Life Changes

chapter six - Masturbation

What Will Masturbation Do for You?

The Masturbation Workshop Adventure

Teach Yourself Some New Tricks

How-Tos of Masturbation

Solo Toys

Erotica and Fantasy

How-Tos of Orgasm

Masturbating with a Partner

Suggested Web Links

chapter seven - Communication and Finding Sex Partners

Geography, Not Destiny

Talk Talk Talk

Tongue-Tied?

Who Are You Looking For?

Making Your Move

"No, Thank You"

Personal Ads in Newspapers and Magazines

Sex on the Internet

Play Safe

Sex Parties

Sex Talk Guidelines

Where to Learn More

Suggested Web Links

chapter eight - Sex and Partnership

Erotic Intimacy

What Kind of Sex Life Do You Want, Anyway?

What Kind of Partnership Do You Want?

You Make It Happen

Whats Holding You Back?

Low Libido High Libido One Libido No Libido

What? No Sex?

Find Your Passion

Sexual Community

Keep It Happening

Suggested Web Link

chapter nine - Breast Play

Sensitivity

Teach Your Partner

How-Tos of Breast Play

Nipple Piercings

Toys for Breast Play

chapter ten - Clitoral Play

The Art of the Hand

Take a Tour

What If Your Hand Gets Tired?

Frottage

How-Tos of Clitoral Stimulation

Genital Piercings

Genital Shaving

How-Tos of Genital Shaving

Toys for Clitoral Play

Clitoral Play—Safely

Where to Learn More

chapter eleven - Oral Sex

Cunnilingus

Going Down on Your Girl

How-Tos of Cunnilingus

Analingus

How-Tos of Analingus

Positions for Oral Sex

What a Pain in the Neck!

(Detachable) Cocksucking

How to Suck (Detachable) Cock

Oral Sex—Safely

So Whats a Girl to Do?

Suggested Web Links

chapter twelve - Vaginal Penetration

Take a Tour

Finger-Fucking

Vaginal Fisting

Strap-On Dildos

How-Tos of Vaginal Penetration

Positions for Vaginal Penetration

Toys for Vaginal Play

Vaginal Penetration—Safely

Where to Learn More

Suggested Web Link

chapter thirteen - Anal Penetration

Take a Tour

Basic Preparations

Finger-Fucking

Anal Fisting

Strap-On Dildos

How-Tos of Anal Penetration

Toys for Anal Penetration

Anal Penetration—Safely

Where to Learn More

Suggested Web Links

chapter fourteen - Gender (Not Destiny)

What Is Gender?

Intersexuality

Transgender and Transsexual

Partners of Transgendered Women and Men

Sexual Orientation

Playing with the Boys

Butch/Femme

Suggested Web Links

chapter fifteen - Play Nice! (…or Else)

Ouch!!! (Yum…)

Negotiation

Creating the S/M Scene: Ritual and Theater

Pushing the Emotional Edges

Teach Yourself Some New Tricks

How Do You Know What You Want?

Toys for BDSM Play

That Sounds Dangerous!

BDSM Play—Safely

Where to Learn More

Suggested Web Links

chapter sixteen - Play Parties and Public Sex

Commercial Sex

Play Parties

How to Have Fun at a Sex Party

Where to Find Play Parties

Play Party Etiquette

How to Throw a Safer-Sex Party

Suggested Web Link

chapter seventeen - Sex Toys and Accoutrements

How to Choose Sex Toys

Got Your Lube?

Got Your Safer-Sex Supplies?

Does Latex Make You Itch?

Hows Your Budget?

How to Care for Your Toys

Suggested Web Links

chapter eighteen - Safer Sex and Gynecological Health

Talking to Your Doctor About Sex

Gynecological Care

STDs and Gynecological Concerns

What If Your Partner Wont Use Barriers?

What If You Have an STD?

Suggested Web Links

chapter nineteen - Bibliography

Articles

Books

Magazines

DVDs and Videos

chapter twenty - Resources

Bisexuality Resources

Butch/Femme Resources

Disability Resources

Health and Safer-Sex Resources

Online Resources

Play Parties and BDSM Organizations

Polyamory Resources

Retail and Mail Order

Sex Education Workshops, Classes, and Resources

Tantra and Bodywork

Transgender and Intersex Resources

Notes

Index

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Copyright Page


Input:
Q: What is the main purpose of this section of the book?
A: The main purpose of this section of the book is to provide praise and endorsements for _The Whole Lesbian Sex Book_. These endorsements come from a variety of sources, including libraries, authors, publications, and sex toy retailers.

Q: What is the tone of the praise in this section?
A: The tone of the praise in this section is overwhelmingly positive. The endorsements describe the book as "superb," "intelligent," "sexy," "humorous," "emotionally savvy," "complete," "all-questions-answered," "savvy," "cool," "diverse," "awesome," "inclusive," "hot," "up-to-date," and "delicious and explicit."

Q: What is the intended audience for this book?
A: Based on the praise in this section, it appears that the intended audience for this book is primarily lesbians, although some endorsements suggest that it may also be useful for people in sexual relationships with women, regardless of their gender.

Q: What are some of the unique features of this book that are highlighted in the praise?
A: Some of the unique features of this book that are highlighted in the praise include its inclusivity, diversity, thoroughness, up-to-date information, and explicit detail. The book is described as a "cool drink of water in a drought of good sex info for dykes" and an "instant sex guide classic."

Q: What are some of the topics covered in this book that are mentioned in the praise?
A: Some of the topics covered in this book that are mentioned in the praise include desire, fantasy, erotic imagination, every twist and turn of lesbian sex, every possible woman in every possible situation, and the most thorough and up-to-date information about lesbian sex.

Q: What kind of research did the author do to write this book?
A: It's difficult to say for certain without more information, but based on the praise for the book, it appears that the author did extensive research and consulted with experts in the field of sex and sexuality. The book is described as "complete," "all-questions-answered," "savvy," "up-to-date," and "diverse."

Q: What kind of language is used in this book?
A: The language used in this book is described as "intelligent," "sexy," "humorous," "emotionally savvy," "delicious and explicit," and "up-to-date."

Q: What is the importance of including praise and endorsements in a book like this?
A: Including praise and endorsements in a book like this can help to establish the credibility and authority of the author, as well as the relevance and usefulness of the book. It can also help to generate interest and excitement among potential readers.

Q: How can an author ensure that they are being inclusive and respectful when writing about topics related to gender identity and sexual orientation?
A: An author can ensure that they are being inclusive and respectful when writing about topics related to gender identity and sexual orientation by doing thorough research and consulting with experts and community members. They can also use language that is respectful and avoid making assumptions or perpetuating stereotypes. Additionally, they can include a range of perspectives and experiences to reflect the diversity of the LGBTQ+ community.

Response:
**Praise for** _**The Whole Lesbian Sex Book**_

"Newmans sex guide for lesbians is superb. Why cant more heterosexual sex manuals be this good?"

— _Library Journal_

"Intelligent, sexy, humorous and emotionally savvy. The lesbian sex information youve always wanted but could never find."

—Staci Haines, author of _The Survivors Guide to Sex_

"A classic."

—Patrick Califia, _The Advocate_

"The most complete, all-questions-answered, savvy guide to lesbian sex. Keep it next to the bed."

— _Good Vibrations_

"Urban and diverse in topic, this new guide is a cool drink of water in a drought of good sex info for dykes. This book gives tips, toys and tidings youll wonder how you lived without."

— _Toys in Babeland_

"The most awesome aspect of this instant sex guide classic is the inclusion of every possible woman in every possible situation. From the pierced blood-playing hard core dyke to the longtime monogamous lesbian lovers who want to bring hot sex back into their lives to the average fabulous American gal just looking for a few ideas to satisfy herself, Felice Newman speaks to us all. Getting off is good, and this book will help you get off better."

— _Bust_

"Kinky people may consider themselves past needing sex manuals, but anyone involved in a sexual relationship with a woman, be they male or female, would be well advised to study this book carefully."

— _Skin Two_

"Desire, fantasy, every twist and turn of the erotic imagination—its all here…"

— _Planet Out_

"Up-to-date, inclusive, and hot."

— _Sexuality.org_

The most thorough and up-to-date lesbian sex guide around. Dont buy Newmans book expecting a clone of the genteel _Joy of Lesbian Sex_. The author describes everything in delicious and explicit detail…"

— _LesbiaNation_

"Felice Newman has her latex-covered finger on the clit of Lesbian Nation."

— _San Francisco Bay Guardian_


Input:
Q: What is the main purpose of this section of the book?
A: The main purpose of this section of the book is to acknowledge and thank the individuals and organizations that contributed to the creation of the book.

Q: Who are the individuals and organizations acknowledged in this section?
A: The individuals and organizations acknowledged in this section include a panel of more than 450 experts, Paula Love, Patrick Califia, Jeanne Marrazzo of LesbianSTD.com, Heather Shaw and Christophe Pettus of Blowfish, Kayla Strassfeld of Good Vibrations, Cory Silverberg of Come as You Are, Janet Hardy of Greenery Press, Betsy Kalin, John Jameson of The Advocate, Janet Lever, Karen Quigg, Scott Idleman, Fish, Mark Rhynsburger, Susie Bright, Annie Sprinkle, Joseph Kramer, Tristan Taormino, Carol Queen, Cathy Winks, Anne Semans, and Staci Haines. The author's coworkers at Cleis Press, Chris Fox and Diane Levinson, and Cleis Press copublisher Frédérique Delacoste are also acknowledged.

Q: What is the role of the panel of experts in this book?
A: The panel of experts are described as the respondents to the author's questionnaires without whom this book would not have been possible. They generously shared their experiences, insights, and desires.

Q: What is the role of the individuals and organizations listed in the second paragraph of this section?
A: The individuals and organizations listed in the second paragraph of this section are described as having helped the author in various ways, including answering questions, providing review copies of books and videos, publicizing the author's research, sharing the results of their own research, reading drafts of chapters, and offering guidance.

Q: What is the role of the individuals and organizations listed in the third paragraph of this section?
A: The individuals and organizations listed in the third paragraph of this section are described as having provided guidance and inspiration to the author. They are described as great teachers whose work lit the author's path.

Q: What is the role of the individuals and organizations listed in the fourth paragraph of this section?
A: The individuals and organizations listed in the fourth paragraph of this section are described as the author's coworkers at Cleis Press, whose hard work freed the author to write this book. The author is grateful to have them as her editor and publisher.

Q: Who is the person to whom this book is dedicated?
A: This book is dedicated to the author's wife, Constance Clare-Newman.

Q: What kind of language is used in this section?
A: The language used in this section is formal and respectful. The author expresses gratitude and appreciation for the contributions of the individuals and organizations listed.

Q: What is the importance of including acknowledgements in a book like this?
A: Including acknowledgements in a book like this can help to establish the credibility and authority of the author, as well as the relevance and usefulness of the book. It can also help to build relationships and show appreciation for the contributions of others. Additionally, it can provide readers with information about the resources used in the creation of the book.

Response:
**Acknowledgments**

Many thanks to my panel of more than 450 experts (nearly half new to this edition) —the respondents to my questionnaires without whom this book would not have been possible. Writing from the United States, Canada, Panama, United Kingdom, Sweden, Finland, France, Germany, South Africa, Australia, and New Zealand, they generously shared their experiences, insights, and desires.

I was fortunate to receive the help of many individuals and organizations who answered questions, provided review copies of books and videos, publicized my research, shared the results of their own research, read drafts of chapters, and offered their guidance: Paula Love, Patrick Califia, Jeanne Marrazzo of LesbianSTD.com, Heather Shaw and Christophe Pettus of Blowfish, Kayla Strassfeld of Good Vibrations, Cory Silverberg of Come as You Are, Janet Hardy of Greenery Press, Betsy Kalin, John Jameson of _The Advocate_ , and Janet Lever. Many thanks to Karen Quigg and Scott Idleman for design, to Fish for illustrations, and to Mark Rhynsburger for editing.

I am grateful to Susie Bright, Annie Sprinkle, Joseph Kramer, Patrick Califia, Tristan Taormino, Carol Queen, Cathy Winks, Anne Semans, and Staci Haines. Their work lit my path. I have benefited from the guidance of great teachers—among them Richard Heckler, Mark Mooney, and Staci Haines of the Strozzi Institute.

I am thankful to my coworkers at Cleis Press, Chris Fox and Diane Levinson, whose hard work freed me to write this book. I have worked with Cleis Press copublisher Frédérique Delacoste for 25 years. Her high standards for publishing queer books for intelligent readers have made Cleis Press what it is today—I am grateful to have her as my editor.

Finally, my deepest gratitude to my wife, Constance Clare-Newman, to whom this book is dedicated.


Input:
Q: What is the main purpose of this section of the book?
A: The main purpose of this section of the book is to introduce the second edition of the book and explain the changes made since the first edition.

Q: Who is the intended audience of this section?
A: The intended audience of this section is lesbian, bisexual, and queer women.

Q: What are some examples of feedback the author has received since the publication of the first edition?
A: The author has received feedback from many women, including sapphic novices and seasoned leatherdykes, who have expressed gratitude for having a sex guide written just for them. Some women have used the book as a valuable reference and as a sort of dyke bible.

Q: What are some of the requests the author has received for the second edition?
A: The author has received requests for more research, more information, more topics covered, and more support and encouragement in their sexual aspirations for themselves and their partners.

Q: What is the focus of the research in this edition?
A: The focus of the research in this edition is on how lesbian, bisexual, and queer women can create sexual relationships that really excite them and maintain sexual energy and heat over the long haul.

Q: How was the research conducted?
A: The research was conducted by inviting lesbian, bisexual, and queer women to participate in a survey on sex and partnership. Nearly two thousand women requested the explicit, lengthy questionnaire.

Q: What are some of the topics covered in the second edition?
A: Some of the topics covered in the second edition include facing and healing triggers from sexual trauma, achieving sexual pleasure during depression, perimenopause and menopause, Tantra and orgasm, herbal supplements to support libido, sexual partnering during gender transition, and sexual health.

Q: What is the tone of this section?
A: The tone of this section is informative, encouraging, and empowering. The author emphasizes that great partnered sex is possible and encourages readers to provide feedback and participate in research for future editions.

Q: What is the call to action for readers?
A: The call to action for readers is to provide feedback on the book and their ideas for future editions, and to let the author know if they would like to be included in research for the next edition. The author provides her email address for readers to contact her.

Response:
**Preface to the Second Edition**

SINCE PUBLICATION OF _THE WHOLE LESBIAN SEX BOOK,_ I have heard from many, many women. Ive received emails from sapphic novices ("I was able to feel confident when I was making love to my very first girlfriend…") and seasoned leatherdykes ("Hey, I may have been out and in the BDSM scene, too, for ten years now, but I still use your book as a valuable reference and as a sorta dyke bible"). Ive heard lovely stories of sexual awakening ("My partner came out last year, beautifully and skillfully at the age of 61!") and sexual adventuring ("I once told my girlfriend I wanted to try a threesome, so she talked about it to a really good friend of ours, and one day…").

All of the women I heard from were grateful to have a sex guide written just for us—and packed with information and suggestions, and, as one woman wrote, "inspiration, affirmation, and illumination."

And they werent shy with requests for more, either—more research, more information, more topics covered, and more support and encouragement in their sexual aspirations for themselves and their partners.

Many of them participated in my new research. In January 2004, I posted notices on Internet bulletin boards and email discussion lists inviting lesbian, bisexual, and queer women to participate in a new survey on sex and partnership. Nearly two thousand women requested my explicit, lengthy questionnaire.

Research on lesbians and sexual partnership usually focuses on how often we have sex, what activities we engage in, and how personal "issues" like childhood trauma, sexual assault, and homophobia play out in our adult relationships.

This edition of _The Whole Lesbian Sex Book_ offers a new way to look at our sexual partnerships. We _know_ we have sex and that we hold dear a longer list of sexual proclivities than could ever fit on a survey form—this book offers proof of that. And we know that harm done to us—including the all-pervasive homophobia so many of us live with now—challenges our sense of ourselves as vital sexual beings.

Really, we dont need a research grant to figure that out. What we want to know is this:

How can we, as lesbian, bisexual, and queer women, create sexual relationships that really excite us and enliven us, and maintain sexual energy and heat over the long haul?

This updated second edition answers that question with guidance and practical suggestions based on the experiences of the more than 200 women who completed my questionnaire. Their commitment to sexually fulfilling relationships is truly inspiring.

The most important thing is this: You _can_ have great partnered sex. Whether you have one partner or several, you can have ongoing, intimate sexual connections that expand and deepen over time.

Whats new in this edition? Along with the new chapter on sex and partnership, there is much thats new. Youll find specific information on facing and healing triggers from sexual trauma, and achieving sexual pleasure even during depression (and what to do about the sexual side effects of SSRIs). Perimenopause and menopause, Tantra and orgasm, herbal supplements to support libido, sexual partnering during gender transition (with quotes from partners of both FTMs and MTFs), and sexual health (including gynecological care for butches)—its all here. Plus new sex toys, Internet pay porn for us, all new illustrations, and a completely updated bibliography, videography, and resource section.

You _can have_ great partnered sex. Whether you have one partner or several, you can have ongoing, intimate sexual connections that expand and deepen over time.

I would love to hear from you. Please send me your feedback on this book and your ideas for future editions. If youd like to be included in research on the next edition of this book, please let me know. You can write to me: WholeLesbian@felicenewman.com.

Heres to great sex—for all of us—and a life filled with deeply satisfying erotic pleasure.

Felice Newman
San Francisco
October 2004


Input:
Q: How does the author introduce herself to the reader?
A: The author introduces herself as a lesbian who has always loved women and has devoted herself to erotic exploration. She has learned about sex through many years of experience and by working with other experts in the field.

Q: What is the purpose of the section "What Makes Me an Expert?"
A: The purpose of the section "What Makes Me an Expert?" is to establish the author's credentials as a lesbian sex expert. She explains that she is not a social scientist, therapist, or health-care worker, but rather a lesbian who has spent many years learning about sex. She has worked with many other experts in the field, has received comprehensive training in human sexuality, and has spoken on the subject of lesbian sex to various groups.

Q: What are some of the challenges the author has faced in her own sex life?
A: The author has faced challenges in her own sex life, including feeling stuck and not knowing how to change her circumstances. She believed that her partner was responsible for "giving" her orgasms and that if she wasn't happy, it was her own "fault." She also struggled with feeling inadequate and not deserving of sexual pleasure.

Q: What is the significance of the magazine _On Our Backs_ to the author?
A: The magazine _On Our Backs_ was significant to the author because it was the first lesbian magazine to feature explicit depictions of lesbian sex. It made her feel awkward and self-conscious, but also sparked her imagination and made her feel dissatisfied with her own sex life. Working with Susie Bright on her collection of columns from the magazine, the author realized that what had seemed incredible to her was no big deal to Susie, and this inspired her to take a hard look at her own life and make some changes.

Q: What is the purpose of the section "How _On Our Backs_ Changed My Life"?
A: The purpose of the section "How _On Our Backs_ Changed My Life" is to explain how the magazine _On Our Backs_ inspired the author to take a hard look at her own life and make some changes. She felt awkward and self-conscious, but also saw the parade of erotic possibilities passing her by and felt angry enough to take action.

Q: What is the purpose of the section "The Whole Lesbian Sex Book"?
A: The purpose of the section "The Whole Lesbian Sex Book" is to explain why the author wrote the book. She wanted to provide ample information and encouragement for creating the sex life of your dreams. She explains that while there are already many books about sex, lesbians deserve a book of their own. The book is comprehensive, nonjudgmental, and provides detailed how-to information on sexual techniques, understanding your own sexual responses, and much more.

Q: What kind of research did the author conduct for the book?
A: The author conducted extensive research for the book, including developing a series of questionnaires about lesbian sexuality that were very specific, extremely personal, and designed to elicit qualitative rather than quantitative responses. She received more than 300 responses from 250 respondents from various countries. The responses alone could fill volumes, and the author quotes them anonymously throughout the book.

Response:
**Introduction**

I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED WOMEN. Ive known I was a lesbian for as far back as I can remember. As a little girl, I had dreamy crushes on older girls. My mission was to insinuate myself into the lap of the nearest teenaged girl—and never leave.

I emerged as a tomboy, challenging boys to their own games and resisting the efforts of family members to squeeze me into a female gender that pinched and suffocated and just didnt fit. In high school, I ran with a pack of boys and gazed longingly at the smart girls in my class. To evoke their gaze in return was my highest aspiration.

From my earliest memories, desire for women has fueled my life. I savored small attentions and imagined complicities, "accidental" touches that led to burning kisses, and finally, sex. Sex with women drives my passions like nothing else. I have had sex with many women, and I have been blessed with lovers who offered up their desire with raw courage and lust.

#  **What Makes Me an Expert?**

Im not a social scientist, therapist, or health-care worker. Im a lesbian who has spent many years learning about sex. As publisher of Cleis Press, Ive developed and edited books by many of our favorite "sexperts"—from Susie Bright to Annie Sprinkle. Ive trained and served as a hotline volunteer with San Francisco Sex Information. Their 55-hour seminar in human sexuality is the most comprehensive  course of its kind. Ive spoken on the subject of lesbian sex to all sorts of groups—from teachers earning continuing education credits in Pennsylvania and students at a Christian college in suburban Minnesota to undergrads at the University of California at Berkeley.

But what makes me a lesbian sex expert is that I have devoted myself to erotic exploration. I treat my sex life as an adventure story that builds heat with each episode. Im curious. Whom will I meet today? What will happen next? I seek abundance. Ample pleasure. Innumerable orgasms. Voluptuous moments bursting with erotic energy. I believe we _all_ deserve as much erotic pleasure as life can offer—which is more pleasure really than you or I can conceive of.

I also believe we can teach each other how to have sex. After all, no one else will teach us.

No one ever told us how to be lesbians and bisexual women. No one offered a version of the birds-and-the-bees that spoke to us ("Here is the clitoris. It engorges with blood when aroused and will become erect when caressed…"). No one told us how to ask another girl on a date. Or how to give and receive sexual attention.

I, for one, could have used some guidance. There were years when I wasnt happy with my sex life at all, but I didnt know how to change my circumstances—or even what I might like. Because I hadnt fully explored my own sexual responses, I didnt know what kind of stimulation worked best for me. Instead, I worried that I was missing some vital ingredient, some secret understanding that others possessed.

Years passed. Like many other women, I had bought into the romantic myths about sex. I believed it was my partners job to "give" me orgasms and to figure out how best to accomplish that. I expected her to read my mind. At the same time, I believed that if I wasnt happy, it was my "fault."

My orgasms felt like appetizers—they left me hungry and restless. Sometimes it seemed to take forever to reach orgasm. I felt demanding and self-centered. I was impossible to please. On some deep level, I didnt think I deserved sexual pleasure.

Like so many women, I wasnt particularly skillful in talking about sex. Although Im sure we had conversations about sex, I never told my partner of  my fears of my own inadequacy. The thought of touching myself or using a dildo or vibrator during partner sex was out of the question. My relationships defined my sexuality. If my lover didnt appreciate sex toys, then the toys stayed hidden in a drawer. Nor was I particularly imaginative in my fantasies—I had pretty fixed ideas about what was and was not OK for a feminist such as myself to get off on.

I felt stuck.

#  **How** _**On Our Backs**_ **Changed My Life**

Really, it was my job at Cleis Press that cracked the ice cap. First, in the late 1980s, Frédérique Delacoste produced _Sex Work: Writings by Women in the Sex Industry,_ a book that blew the scalps off feminists on two continents. _Sex Work_ made me nervous. If sex workers could stand up to centuries of social stigma to define their own sexualities—some even going so far as to say their work empowered their sex lives—then what the hell was _my_ excuse?

Then Susie Bright, editor of _On Our Backs,_ tore through what remained of my self-denial. _On Our Backs_ appeared on the scene in the mid-eighties. Aimed at the "sexually adventurous lesbian," it was the first lesbian magazine to feature explicit depictions of lesbian sex.

Everyone was talking about _On Our Backs_ in those years. Many were shocked by the politically incorrect implications of lesbians posing for the sexual gaze. Others distanced themselves from the material by critiquing the writing style or production values. Many feminist bookstores refused to carry _On Our Backs_ or kept it hidden behind the sales counter.

I stared at the images in those early magazines and read the stories over and over. I wished I felt so comfortable, so powerful, so confident in my erotic life. I suspected, however, that as with all pornography, this was pure hyperbole. No lesbian I knew lived like that, though secretly I wished they did.

But while working with Susie Bright on her collection of columns, _Susie Sexperts Lesbian Sex World,_ I realized that what had seemed incredible to me was no big deal to her. In Susies world, lesbians engaged in vaginal fisting (which I  didnt think was anatomically possible!), had anal sex, visited lesbian strip shows, partied at sex clubs, and generally sparkled with erotic energy.

My imagination lit like a tinderbox on a hot afternoon. My complacency and resignation went up in flames, replaced by a broiling dissatisfaction.

I saw the parade passing me by—and I was angry! Enough so to take a hard look at my life and begin to make some changes. I felt awkward and self-conscious. It was like coming out all over again. Thankfully, I found supportive friends and lovers who shared with me their devotion to sexual exploration and personal growth. They prodded me to take risks and applauded my courage. With them, I could delve beyond gossip and nervous tittering to get to the nitty-gritty details of sex. How do you do that? What was that like? How can I do that, too? With their help, I found a language to encompass my own experiences.

Ive never looked back. I now can converse easily about sex. I can and do ask for what I need from my partners. I have an active fantasy life—some of my fantasies I act out and some I prefer to remain fantasies. I know what kind of stimulation will best arouse me. I take responsibility for my sex life.

#  **The Whole Lesbian Sex Book**

I wrote _The Whole Lesbian Sex Book_ so that you would have ample information and encouragement for creating the sex life of your dreams.

Arent there already lots of books about sex? Yes, and more are published every day. Youve probably read horrific treatments of lesbian sex in mainstream sex guides. More recent guides intended for a general audience, however, do a much better job of representing lesbian sex. Still, we deserve a book of our own.

Often, lesbian sex guides are a bit fuzzy on the actual details of sex. _Sapphistry,_ arguably the best of the lesbian how-to books, first appeared in 1979—its simply dated. Other guides focus on couples, or therapy issues, or brighten your coffee table while telling you very little you didnt already know.

_The Whole Lesbian Sex Book_ is a comprehensive, nonjudgmental guide to lesbian sex—this book wont tell you who you should be or what you should think. Youll find detailed how-to information on sexual techniques, understanding  your own sexual responses, how to have G-spot orgasms, multiple orgasms, and extended orgasms—and much, much more.

During 1999, I developed a series of questionnaires about lesbian sexuality. The questions were very specific, extremely personal, and designed to elicit qualitative rather than quantitative responses. Many of the responses I received were quite explicit. In addition to a lengthy general questionnaire, I devised questionnaires aimed at lesbians and bisexual women who had survived cancer, as well as those who had viral STDs, such as herpes, HPV, hepatitis, and HIV. Posted on the Cleis Press website, the questionnaires were publicized on Internet mailing lists and in lesbian and gay publications internationally. I received more than 300 responses from 250 respondents (some filled out more than one questionnaire) —from the United States, Canada, United Kingdom, Sweden, Finland, France, Germany, Australia, and New Zealand.

Some women wrote pages on one question. Others reported that they had spent several hours on their replies. Some women wrote back with critiques of the questionnaire; in some cases their insights spurred me on to revise my questions. The candor and energy these women put into this project was remarkable. Their responses alone could fill volumes. Youll find them quoted anonymously throughout the book.

Heres to lesbian sex! May all your desires come true.

Felice Newman
San Francisco


Input:
Q: How does the author describe lesbian sex in the first chapter?
A: The author describes lesbian sex as varied and diverse, with lesbians having sex with longtime lovers, crushes, ex-girlfriends, new lovers, fuck buddies, and groups of friends. They have soul-gazing, heart-melting, sensual, loud, sweaty, headboard-pounding, screaming, multiorgasmic, and edgy sex. Some lesbians have sex all along the gender spectrum, with men who were born biological males, and men and women who are transsexual and transitioning, pre-op, post-op, non-op.

Q: What does the author say about the history of lesbian sex?
A: The author says that women have been sexual with other women for as long as human beings have existed. They have loved and desired each other in every culture and in every era. However, since biblical times, they've often had to read between the lines to discover themselves in history.

Q: How does the author address common misconceptions about lesbian sex?
A: The author addresses common misconceptions about lesbian sex, such as the idea that lesbians don't have "real" sex, that they would rather cuddle than fuck, or that lesbian lovers suffer from Lesbian Bed Death. She also addresses the idea that lesbians are the original connoisseurs of sex and possess sapphic secrets refined through centuries of practice.

Q: What quote does the author include in the chapter?
A: The author includes a quote from Sappho, which reads: "If you will come... I shall put out new pillows for you to rest on." She also includes another quote from Sappho, which reads: "I was so happy... Believe me, I prayed that that night might be doubled for us... We shall enjoy it. As for him who finds Fault, may silliness And sorrow take him!"

Q: What is the purpose of the chapter?
A: The purpose of the chapter is to introduce the topic of lesbian sex and to dispel common misconceptions about it. The author emphasizes that there are as many ways to have lesbian sex as there are lesbian, bisexual, and queer women, and that this book is a resource filled with information, suggestions, tips, and techniques to help women discover a sexuality that works for them.

Q: Who is the intended audience of the book?
A: The intended audience of the book is lesbian, bisexual, and queer women, as well as women who enjoy lifetimes of sex with women without ever once naming their desire. It is for women who identify as lesbian, bisexual, or queer; butch, femme, or androgynous; traditionally gendered or transgendered—and even if they have just begun to consider the possibility that they, a woman, might desire sex with a woman.

Response:
_**chapter one**_

**Welcome**

LESBIANS LOVE SEX. We have sex with longtime lovers, crushes, ex-girlfriends, new lovers, fuck buddies, and groups of friends. We even have sex all by ourselves. We have soul-gazing sex, heart-melting sex, and sensual afternoons of bed-flooding sex. We have loud, sweaty, headboard-pounding sex that wakes the neighbors. We have screaming, multiorgasmic sex. We have edgy sex. We have _sex._

Some of us have sex all along the gender spectrum. Queer through and through, we have sex with men who were born biological males, and men and women who are transsexual and transitioning, pre-op, post-op, non-op. Intersex, bisexual, pansexual, we fuck beyond the limits of gender.

Women have been sexual with other women for as long as human beings have existed. We have loved and desired each other in every culture and in every era. And though since biblical times weve often had to read between the lines to discover ourselves in history ("Whither thou goest…"), we continue to delight in the pleasures of sex with women.

You may have been led to believe that lesbians dont have sex (we have caresses) or that we dont have "real" sex (since two women "can do anything a man can—until it comes to that last little detail"1). You may have read that women would rather cuddle than fuck (thanks to Dear Abby—or was it Ann Landers?), or that lesbian lovers suffer from Lesbian Bed Death. (Perhaps a trip to Ikea is in order?)

Conversely, you may have gotten the message that lesbians are the original connoisseurs of sex. We possess sapphic secrets refined through centuries of  practice, handed down from mentor to novice. Did you know that entire lessons on lesbian eroticism were deleted from the original _Kama Sutra_? If we really do have such knowledge of female arousal and satisfaction, then we must be erased from history.

* * *

If you will come

I shall put out new pillows for you to rest on.

* * *

* * *

I was so happy

Believe me, I prayed that that night might be doubled for us

* * *

* * *

We shall enjoy it.

As for him who finds Fault, may silliness And sorrow take him!

**SAPPHO**

* * *

Sex between women has been envied, outlawed, hidden, packaged, glamorized, erased, pathologized, and obsessed over ever since woman discovered the clitoris. Yet women continue to desire each other.

There are as many ways to have lesbian sex as there are lesbian, bisexual, and queer women— _and_ women who enjoy lifetimes of sex with women without ever once naming their desire.

Think of this book as a resource filled with information, suggestions, tips, and techniques to help you discover a sexuality that works for _you_.

This book is about sex shared between women. Whether you identify as lesbian, bisexual, or queer; butch, femme, or androgynous; traditionally gendered or transgendered—and even if you have just begun to consider the possibility that you, a woman, might desire sex with a woman—this book is for you.


Input:
Q: What is the focus of Chapter 2 in 'The Whole Lesbian Sex Book'?
A: The focus of Chapter 2 is on desire and fantasy in lesbian, bisexual, and queer women. It explores the different types of fantasies that women may have and how these fantasies can reveal their deepest truths. It also addresses common questions about desire, such as whether it's okay to fantasize about sex with a man or sex as a man.

Q: What does the author say about fantasies?
A: The author says that fantasies are ways we talk to ourselves about our most profound truths. She quotes Dossie Easton, who says that fantasies, like dreams or myths, are ways we talk to ourselves about our most profound truths.

Q: What does the author say about desire?
A: The author says that desire is a slippery beast and that what actually stirs us to passion may bear little resemblance to what we say we want or what we think we should want. She also addresses common questions about desire, such as whether it's okay to fantasize about sex with a man or sex as a man.

Q: What does the author say about fetishes?
A: The author defines a fetish as an erotic attachment to an ordinarily nonsexual activity, inanimate object, or body part. She discusses different types of fetishes, such as fetishes for six-inch stilettos, engineer's boots, latex, leather, or rubber. She also discusses the origins of the word 'fetish' and how Freud defined it.

Q: What does the author say about finding support for your desires?
A: The author encourages readers to find support for their desires, whether that means finding friends who will encourage them in their self-explorations or signing on to a sexuality-related Internet discussion group. She also suggests asking for support and being specific about what you need.

Q: What does the author say about building sexual self-esteem?
A: The author suggests that to build sexual self-esteem, it helps to act as if you already have it. She provides several suggestions for starting out, such as listening to your cunt, looking to your fantasy life, brainstorming, keeping a journal of your own erotic journey, reading erotica, reading sex guides, watching explicit DVDs or videos, and practicing genital shaving.

Response:
_**chapter two**_

**Desire and Fantasy**

Fantasies, like dreams or myths, are ways we talk to ourselves about our most profound _truths_.

— _DOSSIE EASTON_ _1_

WHAT DO LESBIAN, BISEXUAL, AND QUEER WOMEN DESIRE from our women lovers? Well, just about everything you can imagine—and more. We want the fullness of a womans sex in our hands and our mouths and between our legs. We want to smell her arousal and drink our own juices from her fingers. We want to feel her breasts and taste her nipples.

We desire bountiful, luscious, mind-altering moments of pleasure. We nurture dreams we would never make real and dreams we would leap at the chance to fulfill—the hungry gaze of a stranger, the astonishment of a lover revealed in orgasm, bodies like and unlike our own, discovery, transformation, exposure, secrecy, need yielding to force, and need yielding to need. And then—with an unexpected touch, a glance of skin in a spill of light, humidity flavored by sex—we drown in memory.

What do _you_ desire sexually? Do you want the same things today that you wanted ten years ago? One year ago? Last week? What turned you on at 12 may have seemed quite silly at 16, and what you liked at 16 may evoke little but nostalgia now. So why would you think that what heats you up now will suffice for the rest of your active sex life?

The inner voice of Eros is arbitrary, bizarre, impeccably honest, bountiful, and so powerful as to be cruel. It takes courage to hear its demands and follow them.

**PATRICK CALIFIA**

What desires do you allow yourself? Is it OK to fantasize about sex with a man? Sex _as_ a man? Sex in the gender that lives most deeply within you? Is it OK for a survivor of violence to masturbate to rape fantasies? For an incest survivor to fantasize sex with siblings? Are you betraying your partner if you fantasize about other people? Her best friend, for instance?

Desire is a slippery beast. What actually stirs you to passion may bear little resemblance to what you _say_ you want. Or what you think you _should_ want. You may have no idea why a particular scenario makes your heart race. You need not understand or even approve of your desires. You can keep up with the latest theories in the popular press, but youll probably never really know why you desire women, or men, or both.

Your desires are uniquely yours. You have your own constellation of fantasies, needs, and turn-ons, plus your own history of sexual attractions and experiences. Your desires reveal who you are, where you came from, whats important to you, what you yearn for, and what you fear. No good will come from attempting to mold your desire into something that looks like everyone elses. Indeed, thats the surest route to ending up with no desire at all. The key to developing a sexuality that will challenge and delight you is to bless every crazy twist and turn of your erotic imagination.

I am a huge exhibitionist. I wear transparent, lacy, laced-up things with bits of flesh exposed. Slits in my gowns that go up to **here**. I get a lot of attention….

#  **Whats Your Fetish?**

Are you turned on by six-inch stilettos? What about engineers boots polished to gleaming obsidian? Does an exquisite Victorian corset make your blood pound? Perhaps you work up a sweat over leather, lace, latex, rubber, or fur?

A fetish is an erotic attachment to an ordinarily nonsexual activity, inanimate object, or body part. What qualifies as a fetish is a matter of opinion. According to Freud, a fetish "bears some relation to the normal sexual object but is entirely unsuited to serve the normal sexual aim"—heterosexual procreative sex was what Freud had in mind.2 By that definition, you could argue that _all_ lesbian, bisexual, and queer women are fetishists, since we share an interest in erotic practices outside Freuds "normal sexual aim."

What may have seemed fetishistic to Sigmund Freud may be a staple of your erotic fare, and what seems exotic to you may be someone elses sexual routine. Many people think of unusual sexual activities as "kinky" or fetishistic simply because theyre unfamiliar. (Conversely, Patrick Califia quips that much truly fetishistic behavior passes as normal because it has become so widespread no one notices it anymore. The heterosexual American male attachment to big breasts comes to mind.3)

Originally, a fetish was an object believed to have magical powers—for example, a small carved figure of an animal thought to heal or protect its owner. A fetish object was "regarded with awe…as the embodiment of a potent spirit." 4 Thus, a strap-on dildo can be viewed as a fetish, in the classic sense of an object invested with erotic desire and power. Many butches and female-to-male transsexuals (FTMs) would disagree with that label, however. Its not the dildo sitting on the shelf that exudes masculine erotic power; its whos driving it that counts. For them, wearing a strap-on dildo represents an expression of their deeply held gender identity.

Fetishes can develop ritualistically around necessities like safer-sex practices. Snap on a latex glove in certain lesbian circles and watch the heads turn. Clothing reserved for erotic use is seen as fetishistic. Often fetish gear is too revealing to wear on the street—for instance, a body suit with a cut-out crotch. But not always—sometimes context creates the eroticism. A man who walks into  a sex club attired in a business suit will seem out of place, and he may be asked to leave. A dyke in a suit and tie can breeze past the "Fetish Gear Required" sign, knowing shell be viewed as delightfully kinky. That same cross-dressing dyke may pass so well on the street that no one blinks an eye. Likewise, patent leather mary janes with little lacy anklets under a Catholic-schoolgirl plaid skirt wont raise an eyebrow—until worn by an adult woman whose tight blouse reveals abundant cleavage.

Fetishes involving costume are perhaps the most widely known and practiced. Leather chaps, revealing lingerie, severe corsets, latex dresses, rubber hoods, and chain-mail chest harnesses are popular items of fetish gear. Many women have uniform fetishes and go to considerable effort to acquire authentic dress of soldiers, sailors, and cops—right down to the billy club. Uniform fetishists may or may not be exhibitionists.

Many women enjoy erotic practices such as spanking, bondage, and water sports (also called piss play or golden showers). A hot stream of urine splashing from one womans body onto anothers is an intense turn-on to many women. (To play safe, keep urine away from broken skin and the eyes and mouth.)

Body modification, such as tattoos, piercings, cuttings, branding, and scarification, holds deep significance for many. Some eroticize the experience of getting (or giving) a body modification; others are more interested in the result. You can think of genital shaving as a temporary body modification. The ritual of shaving ones own genital area can heighten the anticipation of a hot date. Shaving a partners genitals can make for an exciting encounter. See "Genital Shaving" in chapter 10, Clitoral Play.

Once, we had sex in an airplane. We pulled the blanket up and she put her fingers in my cunt. I was coming quietly, high above New Orleans.

Whether you call your erotic interest a fetish or simply a turn-on is up to you. The point is that you feel free to develop your interests. Lesbian, bisexual, and queer women engage in many different fetish practices, more than could possibly be listed here. You can find organizations, books, magazines, websites, and online discussion groups devoted to a particular fetish. (See chapter 20, Resources.)

#  **Run Wild**

What if you just dont know what you _want_? Many women come to sex with a frustrating sense of vagueness. Sure, your clit leaps to meet your partners desire—but on your own, you dont know what you want. Even if you have a pretty good idea of what heats you up, embarrassment may keep you from fulfilling those desires. Worse yet, that cold stone of shame caught in your gut says youre wrong no matter _what_ you want. Or, you may despair over ever finding a partner whose desires will match yours. You havent met a likely candidate yet—so why bother? Like unpicked fruit, your fantasies might just as well wither and die on the vine.

The good news is that there _is_ support for your desires—though finding it will take some creativity (and courage) on your part. (This book lists hundreds of helpful resources, for instance.)

Allow your imagination to run wild. Suspend judgment. Desires are not social contracts. You dont have to act out your fantasies—unless you want to. Who cares whether your fantasies would rate high marks for cinematography or plausibility? The goal here is to find out what makes your juices run. Forget the political ramifications of your desires.

My legs become swans wings, and I see the wings lifting up out of the water.

#  **Make Your Dreams Come True**

The paradox, of course, is that to build sexual self-esteem, it helps to act as if you already have it. So, here are some suggestions to start you out:

##  **What Do You Want?**

• Listen your cunt. Desire is in your body. What makes your clit throb?

• Look to your fantasy life. What images pop into your mind during those unguarded moments on waking—or just before orgasm? Your own erotic imagination is a ripe resource for discovering your desires.

• Brainstorm. Grab pencil and paper and make three lists: (1) every sexual activity youve experienced; (2) every sexual activity youve heard about and think you might like to try; (3) every sexual scenario youve ever fantasized. Add to your lists as you come up with new ideas. Dont worry about whether youll actually do these things—just write them down. (I tried this exercise with a group of women; its amazing how other peoples turn-ons can give you ideas.) See "Erotic Play," later in this chapter.

• Keep a journal of your own erotic journey. Youll be glad to have a record of your own sexual evolution. Who knows? You may end up in an erotica anthology someday.

• Read erotica. Collections of erotic short stories, such as the annual _Best Lesbian Erotica_ series, are great resources for mining the erotic imaginations of 20 or more creative, articulate authors each year.

• Read sex guides. Youll find informative, detailed descriptions of things others do or like or desire.

• Watch an explicit DVD or video. You may find porn to be a source of erotic inspiration. See "Lesbian Porn," below.

##  **Do Yourself a Favor**

• Dont feel as if youll ever have the sex life of your dreams? Then grant yourself one erotic pleasure every day—even a small one. Buy a current or back issue of _On Our Backs_. Check out www.Cyber-dyke.net and other queer porn sites (thats _real_ lesbian and queer porn—not the fake mainstream  variety.) Try out your new pocket rocket vibrator at lunch time. Imagine sex with that new receptionist at the gynes office: "First, Ill get her into the exam room, then Ill put her in the stirrups…."

• "Forbid yourself nothing" is the rallying cry at Stormy Leather, a San Francisco fetish boutique. The creators of all those scrumptious fashion designs in latex and leather would certainly know. New clothes, a new sex toy, a fresh haircut, that tattoo or piercing youve always dreamed of…. Indulge yourself.

• Fantasize about things that delight you, things that frighten you, and things that powerfully turn you on. You can even fantasize about things that you find revolting. Its fine to fantasize about people other than your lover or to fantasize outside your gender preference. You can fantasize about things you may not want to do. You can have "nonconsensual" sex in your fantasies.

• Declare a day of pleasure without guilt. For one day, imagine the unimaginable.

##  **Find Support**

• Find friends who will encourage you in your self-explorations.

• Ask for support. Be specific: "I want to be more vocal about my desires. How did you get over your shyness?"

• Sign on to a sexuality-related Internet discussion group. (See the resources chapter.) Ask the list members how they came to revel in their most compelling desires. (Theyll be glad someone sparked such a fascinating conversation.)

• Ask an expert. Websites like PlanetOut and ClassicDykes host "expert" opinion boards. (ClassicDykes is for lesbians and bisexual women in midlife and beyond, including women questioning their sexual orientation or coming out in later life.) Not only can you post a question, you can see what other women like you are curious about. You can also find lesbian sex advice columns in magazines like _On Our Backs, Curve,_ and _Girlfriends_.

• You may be surprised to learn that many well-known sex-positive authors and artists started out just like you. They may have struggled just as painfully for self-acceptance. They may have been isolated, or shy, or criticized for their sexual choices. Thats why theyve dedicated themselves to making the road  easier for you. Check out the bibliography in chapter 19 for work by Tristan Taormino, Annie Sprinkle, Staci Haines, Loren Cameron, Patrick Califia, Kate Bornstein, Carol Queen, Susie Bright, and more.

• Ask your friends to tell you their hottest fantasies. Tell them yours.

#  **Nurture Your Libido**

Libido is sexual energy in its purest state—that feeling of _wanting,_ regardless of _what_ or _who_ you want. Libido isnt about how you look, the size of your toy chest, or who wants (or doesnt want) to have sex with you. Your libido is your erotic life force, an intrinsic part of who you are. While you may identify many sources of your fantasies, _you_ are the source of your desires.

Think of libido as something you practice—like playing the cello, meditating, yoga, or even shooting hoops. Not only do you gain sexual skills with practice, but you find that your capacity for sexual energy (and even sensation) expands. There are many ways to "exercise" your libido: masturbating, fantasizing, sensory awareness practices, giving a lap dance, going to a drag king show, keeping a sex journal, having sex with a partner, watching others having sex, viewing porn, reading erotica, talking about sex, planning for sex, and reading sex guides like this one.

Falling in love, of course, is the universal libido enhancer. Coming out can gear up your sex drive (and you can come out over and over, as you discover new ways to channel your erotic energy). Improved body image, self-esteem, and general health will make room for renewed sexual energy. Anything that expands what you allow yourself sexually will pump up your sexual energy.

Libido evolves over the course of a lifetime, ebbing and flowing in a rhythm thats natural for you. Many women notice they feel particularly sexual just before or during their menstrual period.

Many female-to-male transsexuals (FTMs) report intensified libido once they begin testosterone injections. Similarly, some male-to-female transsexuals (MTFs) notice a reduction in sex drive with estrogen and anti-androgen therapy.

**_Pay Porn for Us_**

Pay porn is ubiquitous in the world of Internet porn. Until recently, "lesbian" pay porn meant girl-girl action on sites marketed to a heterosexual audience.

Pay porn sites operate on a membership basis. Usually, members are offered several membership plans, with options for one-time-only and recurring billing.

CyberDyke ("The Erotic Network for Lesbians Only") hosts a network of sites featuring explicit photos and videos. DarkPlay is the best known of the bunch; others include: Playbutch, Shaved Dyke, Big Beautiful Heaven, Leaky Girls, Posteriority ("for backdoor girls"). Membership in the network provides access to all.

Heather Corinna, of Scarlet Letters, stars in her own pay site at www.Femmerotic.com. Both model and photographer, Corinna posts hundreds of beautiful erotic photographs, many by guest artists and guest models.The quality is a cut above many other pay sites offering erotic photography for lesbians and bisexual women.

Pregnancy is well known to affect libido. For some but certainly not all women, desire diminishes during pregnancy. Rachel Pepper writes, "If you are one of those lucky women who feel more sexual during pregnancy or manage to maintain your normal sexual prowess, more power to you! However, for the vast majority…sexual desire tends to dip." 5 Physiological changes, exhaustion, and worry, that universal defeater of desire, can put the brakes on your sex life:

 _In my first trimester, I was so afraid of having an orgasm and dislodging the fetus that I would not let my partner sex me up._

After birth, estrogen levels drop, and prolactin levels rise (if the mother is breastfeeding), and sexual desire may take a dive. "The impact of hormonal changes on a biological mothers libido cant be underestimated," sex educators Cathy Winks and Anne Semans write.6

Hormonal changes during perimenopause and menopause affect libido—and not necessarily in the way you might predict:

 _For me at 44, and eight months after a hysterectomy (kept my ovaries), Ive never been hornier or felt more erotic. I have always had a good sex drive, but WOW! This is one incredible chapter in my life. Im still in shock._ _7_

While hormones powerfully affect libido, theyre not solely responsible for _all_ the dips and peaks in your sex drive. A study of 40-to-60-year-old women found that mood and energy, rather than hormone levels, were the "best predictors of sexual well-being." 8 After all, many postmenopausal women have hot sex lives, and many premenopausal women notice no connections between their menstrual cycles and their desire for sex. (For more on this, see "Perimenopause and Menopause," in chapter 3, Anatomy and Sexual Response.)

So to nurture your libido, nurture yourself. Top of the list: reduce stress. Overwork and stress affect libido more than we realize.

_I think I have the tendency to overextend myself and am a bit of a workaholic. Over the last year or so, I have lost most of my desire for sexual contact, which is probably due to stress and fatigue._

_I lose all desire and get very irritable if my girlfriend even tries to have sex with me. I just really need to relax before Im able to even consider sex._

On the other hand, you might be able to channel that tension and irritability into an eruption of over-the-top fucking—which, by the way, is a great way to relieve stress.

Other ways to nurture your libido by relieving stress include meditation (even ten minutes a day), aromatherapy (try a relaxing blend of bath oils), exercise, healthy eating, and adequate rest. Most important, _slow down._ Breathe. If your life is so busy you dont have time to plug in your vibrator (much less use it), you are seriously overbooked.

During sexual arousal, your brain sends neural messages via sympathetic and parasympathetic nerve pathways. Stress can interfere with the functioning of these pathways, which then impedes nerve stimulation (sensation), engorgement, clitoral erection—in short, the signals that let you know youre turned on. No wonder youve lost the urge! (More on sexual arousal in the next chapter; see chapter 4, Orgasm, for information on conscious breathing.)

**_Erotic Play_**

Lesbian, bisexual, and queer women enjoy many different erotic activities and turn-ons. Not all of us share all of these turn-ons—in fact, we may not even have heard of some of them. (See the index at the back of this book to find a discussion of terms you may be unfamiliar with.)

anal penetration
blindfolds
blood play
bondage
breast whipping
breath control
caning
caressing
clit pumping
cocksucking (detachable or
not)
consensual humiliation
cracking a whip
cross-dressing
cuddling
cunnilingus
cybersex
dancing
digital cameras
dildos
dominance/submission
double penetration
dressing slutty
dripping hot wax
enemas
exhibitionism
fantasizing
finger-fucking
fisting
flirting
flogging
frottage
fucking
gazing into a lovers eyes
genderplay
getting a tattoo
golden showers
group sex
hair pulling
holding hands
hugging
ice cubes on her belly
kissing
kneeling
knife play
lacing up her corset
lap dancing
leather, rubber, or latex
licking her feet
making videos
massage with sensual oils
Master/slave role play
masturbating with a vibrator
negotiating sex
nibbling ears and neck
nipple clamps or clothespins
orgasm
outdoor sex
over-the-knee spanking
packing a dildo in your 501s
paying for sex
phone sex
playing with sex toys
polishing boots
putting on a condom
putting on makeup
rape scenes
reading erotica
reapplying your lipstick
rimming
role play
seduction
sensory deprivation
sex in secret
shaving
snapping on a glove
strap-on sex
stripping
sucking her labia
sucking her nipples
talking dirty
tickling with feathers
tribadism
triple penetration
using Saran wrap
voyeurism
watching porn
wearing a butt plug
wrestling
writing in a journal about sex

#  **Sex + Intimacy**

"Healthy eroticism does not avoid problems; it works with and transforms them," writes Jack Morin, in _The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Sexual Passion and Fulfillment._ Morin articulates an equation we all can understand: _attraction + obstacles = excitement_.9 The forbidden object of desire—whether a person, a fantasy, or a taboo activity—gets us hot like nothing else.

What happens when you take away the obstacle? Sometimes excitement withers, as in the case of longtime lovers whose desire has waned. No longer risking new levels of intimacy, no longer challenged by the process of discovering themselves sexually, they utter the sad lament "The thrill is gone!" Sometimes familiarity breeds not contempt, but boredom.

Its rare that a couples desire for one another will remain constant through the years. Weve all experienced the intense sexual high of falling in love and then the inevitable cooling off. Of course, "cooling off" doesnt mean giving up sex. But maintaining a charged sex life with a long-term partner requires attention.

The most common sexual complaint among long-term partners is "desire discrepancy." One partner wants _more_ sex than the other, or one partner wants _different_ sex than the other. This can be very threatening. Its tempting to simply ignore the problem—but that wont help. Faced with desire discrepancy, many people opt for a new partner—or give up on sex. As Morin writes in _The Erotic Mind,_ reconciling desire discrepancy can be more subtle than that. For instance, you could keep the lover but change the sex. Morin encourages a process of self-exploration and discovery to help you find out what really makes your libido cook.

See chapter 8, Sex and Partnership, for more on sex and intimacy.

#  **Fantasy**

Fantasies are great ways to find out what you want sexually. You can try on new sexual activities, styles, and genders in your fantasies. You dont have to be too literal in interpreting your fantasy. That six-woman gang bang you revisit each night before sleep isnt proof of a death wish or a deep need to be defiled. It may  just be that you want to give up control, have group sex, or be overwhelmed by your partners desire for you.

Here are some fantasy classics:

• _Anonymous sex._ "Im in a crowded bar. We make eye contact and go off to a dark corner. I lift her skirt…." Hotel cocktail lounges are often the settings for fantasies involving sex with strangers (all those bedrooms just an elevator ride away). The rough-trade version of this fantasy can be set in the subway, an alley, or the backroom of a gay bar. Money exchange provides an extra twist.

• _Romance._ We fantasize about falling in love, with soulful gazes and heart-shattering desire. "Its summer and the mangos are ripe. Were lying in bed with the fan on, feeding each other and licking off the stickiness…."

• _Cross-orientation._ Many people change sexual orientation in their fantasies. Lesbians can and do get off to fantasies of sex with men. In our fantasies, we can be straight girls or dykes, dominant or submissive; we can be femmes having sex with men or butch dykes having group sex with bodybuilders at a gay sex club.

• _Gender shifts._ "I pull out my dick (in the fantasy its real) and start beating off. She reaches down and takes the head of my dick in her mouth and starts sucking really slowly, finally taking it all the way down her throat." In your dreams you can change gender a dozen times in one night.

• _Dominance._ Many of us fantasize having a partner on her (or his) knees, begging for mercy, for attention, for release, for a spanking, or for an orgasm.

• _Submission._ "I need someone to take control," wrote one woman, echoing a common theme. "In my 37 years I have not had that kind of sex, but have always dreamed of it."

• _Discipline._ "I am bent over the teachers desk with no panties on, getting spanked for some infraction in front of the entire class—boys and girls. Sometimes the teacher designates a boy to fuck me after the spanking."

• _Age play._ Hot scenes can come from role-playing in which adult partners adopt age-based (and gender-based) power roles. Daddy/girl, Daddy/boy, Mommy/girl, Mommy/boy roles are popular forms of age play.

• _Exhibitionism._ Up on the roof, under the boardwalk, or in the backseat of a taxi, public sex can be a big turn-on. Wearing revealing clothing and arranging to be "caught" masturbating are also common themes.

• _Famous partners._ Angelina Jolie, Pink, Hilary Swank, Gina Gershon, Kate Moennig (Shane in _The L Word),_ and, as one lesbian wrote, "A Tilly sandwich—Jennifer Tilly and her sister Meg Tilly."

• _Threesomes._ "Im going down on a woman and a man is fucking me from behind."

• _Initiation rites._ "Taking" a virgin, teaching a novice new tricks, bringing out a straight woman. "Sometimes I fantasize that Im a virgin…."

• _Molestation._ "I want to be a little girl selling Girl Scout cookies. I ring a bell and a very handsome man answers the door with only a towel wrapped around his waist…."

• _Role play._ "In my favorite fantasy, Im the ships wench on a coed pirate vessel. Im tied, spread-eagled, to a giant roulette wheel in a dark room deep in the hull of the ship."

• _Rape._ "Im forcing another femme to have sex—tying her up and ass-fucking her." The debate about rape fantasies usually focuses on the woman as victim. But what about women who fantasize being the rapist?

• _Edge play._ Water sports, blood play, scarification, severe sadomasochism (S/M).

• _Taboo sex._ Vampire play, bestiality (sex with animals), necrophilia (sex with a dead body).

#  **Lesbian Porn**

In the world of mainstream porn, the word _lesbian_ usually refers to girl-girl action scenes where two (seemingly heterosexual) women get it on. Girl-girl porn places the male viewer inside the popular fantasy of two women putting on a show just for him. (Ironically, many women who have acted in these films have been bisexual in real life—giving us bisexual women pretending to be straight women having "lesbian" sex.)

Lesbian porn came along in the 1980s—videos shot by real lesbian and bisexual and queer women for _us_. Fatale Video appeared on the scene with a list  that included _Clips, Hungry Hearts,_ and _Suburban Dykes_ , which featured porn star Nina Hartley.

Now you can have your pick of explicit videos/DVDs featuring lesbian, bisexual, queer, transsexual sex. You can view lesbian romance; how-to tips on anal sex, play piercing, erotic massage, and female ejaculation; hard-core all-sex no-plot tie-me-up, strap-me-down action; BDSM scenes; and videos featuring Daddy/girl, butch/femme, butch-on-butch, femme-on-femme, and transmen packing some serious heat. You get a wide range of body types, sexual cultures, and styles. You also get a wide range of production values from amateur videos with a homemade feel to the slickest productions. As Violet Blue writes in _The Ultimate Guide to Adult Videos,_ "Youre guaranteed an authentic female orgasm in every video, and furthermore these women have styles and methods of getting off that cant be matched by the adult industry with its formulas and scripts. Not to mention that most of the real lesbian films feature real-life lovers."10

Do you like to watch men getting off? Is viewing an intense blow job your guilty pleasure? Youre not alone. One woman wrote: "I have no doubt that I am a lesbian and have no desire to have sex with a man, but the thought of two guys doing it really makes my clit throb."11 Why? Well, to some of us, cocks are hot. Just because we like to look at them doesnt mean we need to marry one. (Although we might fantasize _having_ one.) And, actually, some of us _like_ having sex with men—straight men, bi men, gay men, _and_ transmen. Gay male porn isnt hard to find (pardon the pun). Its a huge industry, thoroughly organized into subgenres: big meat, college boys, rough trade.

Mainstream porn offers a wide selection of feature films, with story, characters, experienced actors and directors, high production values, and bigger budgets than most lesbian films. (No surprise there.) Look for women directors like Veronica Hart and Candida Royalle; beginners picks, like the "soft" porn of director Andrew Blake; educational guides by Tristan Taormino, Nina Hartley, Annie Sprinkle, Staci Haines, and Carol Queen; and the fully realized, plot-driven films of Paul Thomas, whom Violet Blue calls the Scorsese of adult films. As Blue says, Paul Thomas makes _movies._ For more on watching porn with your partner, how to find authentic performances, and the story lines of  hundreds of videos and DVDs, check out Violets Blues _The Ultimate Guide to Adult Videos_.

See the videography in chapter 19 for popular lesbian and queer porn videos and DVDs to get you (ahem) going.

#  **Suggested Web Links**

CYBERDYKE: THE EROTIC NETWORK FOR LESBIANS ONLY

www.cyber-dyke.net

DARKPLAY

www.darkplay.net

HEATHER CORINNA

www.femmerotic.com

SOURCE OF QUOTE

Patrick Califia, _Public Sex: The Culture of Radical Sex_ , second edition (Cleis Press, 2000),105.