Input: Write a detailed guide on clitoral play for women, including information on the importance of the clitoris as a source of sexual pleasure, the various shapes and sizes of clits, and the different ways to stimulate the clitoris with fingers, hands, and toys. Also, discuss the concept of indirect stimulation, and provide tips for finding the right level of intensity and pressure. Finally, address the issue of tired hands during prolonged clitoral stimulation, and suggest possible solutions such as using lube, changing positions, incorporating other forms of stimulation, or using sex toys.

Response:
_**chapter ten**_

**Clitoral Play**

_Her fingers are like magic wands that do crazy things
I didnt know were possible._

MOST WOMEN NAME THE CLITORIS as the most erotic spot on their bodies. For those of us who rate clitoral stimulation as our favorite source of sexual pleasure, no sexual encounter is complete without direct clitoral play.

_I love when she moistens the tip of her breast with my wetness and stimulates my clit with the nipple._

Clitoral play includes stimulation with fingers and hands, thighs, butts, and pelvis, erect nipples, toes and feet, tongues and lips (see chapter 11, Oral Sex), as well as with vibrators and other toys.

Clits come in all shapes and sizes and are as individual as the women who own them. Your clitoris may be a tiny pearl hidden beneath the folds of its hood or as big as a thumb protruding from your labia. It can be deep red, pale pink, or dark purple—and the color will deepen with arousal. You may crave intense clitoral stimulation or quiver at the slightest caress of a fingertip over your clitoral hood.

Understanding that the clitoris is hardly the little "nub" described in traditional anatomy texts will broaden your approach to clitoral play. The clitoris is  an extensive structure of erectile tissue, beginning at the top of the vulva with the body of the clitoris (glans, hood, and shaft), cradling the urethra, and reaching down to flank the vaginal opening. (See chapter 3, Anatomy and Sexual Response.) Stimulating the body of the clit is just the beginning. You can direct your attention to your partners labia, urethral area, vaginal opening, and perineum. Of course, when she begs, " _Please touch my clit!_ " you can return your focus to her clitoral glans, hood, and shaft.

#  **The Art of the Hand**

Lesbians have sensitive hands—after all, we make love with our hands. We use our hands to caress and arouse our partners, and to bring them to orgasm. Many of us are very tactile; we get off from touching as much as from being touched. Through our hands, we ride our partners pleasure. However, the myth that every lesbian or bisexual woman innately knows how to touch anothers clitoris is just that—yet another myth. Women are far too specific about our preferences for this to be true.

_I like my clit touched low, down near my urethra, and rubbed around in a circle, like a ball._

Traditional sex guides dismiss touching as "mutual masturbation"—as if pleasure we deliver with our hands (and, for that matter, masturbation) doesnt count as "real" sex. Of course, _we_ know better.

#  **Take a Tour**

There are many ways to discover what kind of clitoral stimulation a partner will like, and the discovery can be as much fun with a new partner as with a partner of many years. For starters, ask her. In bed or at a café, you can initiate a conversation that may well be a prelude to hot sex.

You can request a tour of her vulva. If she has even a hint of exhibitionist tendencies, shell be more than happy to oblige you. And if you have a hint of the voyeur in you, this could make an exciting sexual scene in itself.

Pick a time when youre both relaxed. Make sure the room is warm enough for you to be comfortably nude and sufficiently well lit for you to see every fold and detail of her vulva. Ask your partner to undress—you can strip down as well. Arrange lube, gloves, and sex toys nearby.

Ask your partner to touch herself for you. Watch how she handles her labia and clitoris. Notice how many fingers she uses, and whether she focuses her touch on the left or right labia, the clitoral shaft or hood, under the clitoral glans, or directly on the glans itself.

Then, take your own tour. Begin by massaging her inner thighs, butt, and outer labia. Snap on latex gloves, add plenty of water-based lube, and open her lips. Notice the glans of her clitoris. Has it retreated in its hood? Is it erect? How big is it? Are her lips engorging under your gaze? What color are they? Do her inner labia protrude from the outer lips?

Our hands are our first sexual tools—stroking, squeezing, caressing, kneading, grabbing, tickling, pinching, and slapping. Although very little pornography celebrates hands, a connoisseur will look at a new partners palms, fingers, and forearms, and evaluate the quality of their touch, and give it equal weight with the more obvious attributes.

**PATRICK CALIFIA**

Stimulate her entire vulva—outer labia, inner labia, perineum, the opening of the vagina—before you concentrate on the body of the clitoris. Run your fingers through her pubic hair, or, if shes shaved, stroke the silky bare skin of her outer labia. Ask her which of your caresses she likes best. Pay attention to her responses—both verbal and nonverbal.

Many women prefer indirect stimulation until theyre extremely aroused. They may like caresses to the side or just above the clitoral glans. With arousal, the clitoris becomes erect and swollen and can take a lot more direct stimulation.

Your partner may like small circles traced lightly over the glans with just the tip of a forefinger, or a back-and-forth rubbing motion on the side of the clitoral  shaft. She may like to feel two fingers sliding rapidly on either side of the clitoris. She may like you to press firmly on her mons with one hand as you stroke her clitoris with the other. Many women enjoy clitoral stimulation combined with vaginal or anal penetration.

Most woman require sustained stimulation to come. Some women reach orgasm best with increased speed and intensity; others prefer a very slow progression to orgasm, drawing out every last wave of sensation.

After orgasm, your partner may desire continued stimulation and may ride that coming into another orgasm, a series of multiple orgasms, or one long tsunami of pleasure. If she cant tolerate such intense sensation, but doesnt want to stop, back off. Slowly gather momentum. Subtle, indirect stimulation may work to get her up to that edge again.

#  **What If Your Hand Gets Tired?**

A tired hand may be a sign that youre trying too hard—or that your partner isnt aroused enough to reach orgasm. Is she turned on? Observe her bodys cues—moans, rocking hips, breathing. If you begin your sex play with direct clitoral attention, her arousal may never catch up to your level of intensity. Make sure shes well aroused _before_ you touch her clitoris.

"Please just caress me for a little while." Of course, she can let you know that shes not turned on enough to even think of reaching orgasm. And she can tell you what kind of stimulation she would prefer. Ask her what she needs to come.

Lube, lube, and more lube. A slippery, moist vulva will get aroused faster than a dry one. Her perception of wetness will make her feel sexy; her own juices will start flowing. Lube up your fingers before you touch her clitoris. Refresh the lube from time to time as it dries up.

Human sexual response isnt linear. We move from arousal to plateau and back to excitement again and again before orgasm. Do you need to focus on orgasm right now? If your attentions are taking her nowhere, back off and build up again.  Touch her in a spirit of exploration. Approach and back off over and over again to increase her arousal.

Combine direct clitoral stimulation with vaginal or anal penetration, rimming, nipple play, or other stimulation.

Invite her to touch herself or to guide your hand. Ask her to put your fingers in the right spot, and to show you the right pressure and rhythm. Lube up both your hand and hers, entwine your fingers, and let her take you both over the edge.

Grab a vibrator. You can hold a vibrator to her clitoris or put it in her hand. You can stimulate her nipples or penetrate her vaginally or anally as she uses the vibrator to reach orgasm.

Some positions are better than others for sustaining clitoral stimulation. With your partner on her back, sit facing her with your pelvis close to her hip and your hand between her legs. You can toss one leg over hers, bringing your pelvis close to her thigh. Besides closeness, the advantage of this position is that your wrist is lower than your elbow, reducing stress on your wrist and hand.

What if you simply cant sustain the action she requires? Conditions such as carpal tunnel syndrome and other repetitive stress injuries (RSIs), arthritis, multiple sclerosis (MS), and other disabilities can limit your ability to use your hands as sex toys. Negotiate your needs. You and your partner can find activities that are gratifying—and pain free—for both of you. Ask her to describe what kinds of stimulation she needs to get off. Describe your physical limitations, and tell her what kinds of sexual activities are comfortable for you. (Dont forget to tell her which ones you find especially hot.)

If you cant sustain stimulation with your fingers, and if using a vibrator aggravates your RSI, you can combine hand stimulation with other forms of stimulation. You can use your lips and tongue to supplement your hand. You can stimulate her nipples, tongue her anus, or bury your fist inside her vagina as she brings herself to orgasm. (See "Sex and Disability: Toy Accessibility" in chapter 17, Sex Toys and Accoutrements, for suggestions on selecting toys that will work for you.)

#  **Frottage**

_I can come by rubbing myself against my lovers body—especially if Ive really got the hots for her._

Frottage (also called _tribadism_ and _dry humping_ ) comes from the French verb _frotter_ , meaning to rub. Frottage involves rubbing bodies together to produce heat and friction. You can hump a partners thigh, rub vulva to pubic bone, or vulva to tailbone. Lying on your belly, you can squeeze your partners clitoris and labia between your asscheeks; she can reach around, slip a hand between your legs, and stimulate your clitoris as she humps you.

Women with extremely responsive clits speak highly of frottage as a method of indirect stimulation. Those who prefer more direct sensation can add a vibrator to frottage. You can slip a wand-style electric vibrator between you. Or you can strap on a Leather Butterfly harness with an egg vibrator in its pouch. You can also combine frottage with stimulation from nipple clamps, butt plugs, and other toys.

#  **How-Tos of Clitoral Stimulation**

Here are some favorite techniques for clitoral stimulation:

• Caress and nibble her inner thighs.

• Rub your thigh between her legs.

• Tease her clitoris with your nipples.

• Cup her vulva in your palm, feeling her heat.

• Grab a glove; thoroughly coat your fingers with water-based lube. Then pull open her lips and caress her labia.

• Blow gently on the body of the clitoris. (Do not blow directly into the vagina.)

• Let her anticipate your touch. Let her experience her own wanting. Dont poke directly at the glans or immediately dive for her clitoris (unless, of course, thats what she likes).

• Start with a long, languid stroke from perineum to clitoris. (Take care not to draw bacteria from anus to vagina.)

• If she says, "Im too sensitive," switch to an indirect touch.

• Gently stroke the shaft of her clitoris. Let the hood protect the glans until shes well aroused.

• As she becomes more aroused, swirl your finger around her clitoral glans; stroke the glans with tighter and faster circles.

• You can nestle her clitoris between the forefingers of both hands, stroking rapidly on either side of her shaft.

• You can combine stimulation from your fingers with her favorite vibrator. Try holding the vibrator slightly to the side to give her indirect stimulation as you stroke her clitoris. Vibration on piercings can produce interesting sensations.

• If she has a genital piercing, you can thread a piece of brightly colored ribbon through the ring and give her the ends to hold or tug on.

• You can combine clitoral stimulation with penetration—either vaginal or anal or both. You can add a dildo, butt plug, anal beads, or insertable vibrator.

#  **Genital Piercings**

_The first time a lover touched my new clit hood piercing, I almost could not deal with the tremendous energy surge in my body—as metal conducts electricity, so does it conduct lust._

Genital piercings can be quite functional—they can increase clitoral sensitivity and can be great fun to play with. Female genital piercings include clitoral hood piercings, triangle piercings (which pierce the tissue under the clitoral shaft), perineum piercings, and labia piercings—among others. Piercings can take from one to six months to heal, depending on the location and type of piercing. So its important to ask your partner how recently she got her piercing, if the area is still tender, and whether shes comfortable having the jewelry played with.

I celebrated my cunt with the most expensive piece of jewelry I own!

Clitoral hood and triangle piercings may place a bead right over the glans—which can make stimulation hugely exciting. Your thigh nestled in your partners crotch can slide the ring back and forth over her clitoris. A vibrator touching the metal can make her jump. Some women like light slaps over the piercing—think of the little ring and bead ricocheting off her glans. Try holding a tuning fork to a partners hood piercing—the vibrations of sound will go right through her clitoris.

Labia piercings _beg_ for attention—they can be used for light bondage. ( _Do not_ use a piercing as a stress point for serious bondage, however.) You can adorn her piercings with colored ribbons and even hang bells from them—you can hear her coming in an entirely new way.

#  **Genital Shaving**

_Shaving has always been a part of my sex life. There is more sensation and I love the closeness._

Many women love the look and feel of a freshly shaved pubic area. Shaving makes the entire vulva more sensitive. You may find that you respond to the slightest touch, even the caress of loose clothing. Many lesbians like the look of naked accessibility; they like to see the inner labia protruding from the outer lips.

Theres nothing quite like the smooth skin-on-skin feel of caressing a shaved pubic area. That silky bare skin is heaven to inquiring fingers. Two shaved vulvas can make frottage delightfully intense.

Genital shaving is not to everyones taste—you might cringe at the thought of a razor coming anywhere near your tender parts, and the sight of bare genitals on an adult woman may be unappealing or even disturbing. You might find the increase in sensitivity not worth the itchiness as the hair grows in.

But those who shave their pubic areas swear by it. They wouldnt dream of giving up the pure eroticism of gently and carefully manipulating a razor (even an electric model) along the contours of such sensitive flesh.

You can shave yourself, of course, but being shaved by a partner is a special treat not to be missed. Having your outer labia and mons handled so delicately and slowly by a partner is very intimate. It certainly requires trust. As your partner painstakingly wields the razor, you can completely relinquish control and enjoy her entire attention to your needs. You can sink into a delicious reverie as you feel the indirect brush of a hand on your clitoris, the pinch of her fingers as she pulls your labia taut. By the time shes done, you may find that youre extremely turned on—your own juices may have lubricated the razor as much as her shaving gel has. By all means, invite her to sample her handiwork.

#  **How-Tos of Genital Shaving**

Start with a hot bath to soften your skin and your pubic hair. Wash thoroughly. Trim the hair as closely as possible with cuticle or other small sharp scissors. Pull the hair away from the skin to prevent nicking yourself with the scissors. Dont use clippers without a safety guard (even a #1 guard) because bare clippers can abrade the very delicate skin of your pubic area.

One trick to avoid irritation and nubs is to rub baby oil into your skin, let it dry for a few minutes, and then lather up with shaving cream or gel. While just about any shaving cream or gel will do, you may want to select an unscented or even a hypoallergenic gel for best results. Many women prefer a gel to a foaming cream—its easier to see what youre doing. Never scrape your sensitive genital area with a dry razor.

Use a high-quality disposable razor—one with a pivoting head to get into nooks and crannies. If youre shaving for the first time, grab a new razor halfway through. Dont reuse the razor.

I am always a bit titillated and ashamed of my shaved pussy. My lover adores it and strokes it like a cat.

Find a comfortable spot—leaning against the edge of the tub, sitting on the bathroom floor with your legs propped up—and use a hand mirror. You might want to sit on a towel and prop the hand mirror up against the side of the tub. Begin by shaving in the direction of the hair growth. Youll gain confidence in safely wielding the razor as you work the areas farthest from your tender bits. Pull the area taut so that you have smooth skin to work with. Shave _with_ the grain first; lather up, grab a new blade, and then very slowly and gently shave against the direction of the hair for a smooth feel. Move on to the next area; you can always come back to catch the stray hairs youve missed. (Shaving the same spot over and over will irritate your skin.)

You can shave the labia and inner thighs all the way down to the perineum; you can shave around the anus for smooth ass play (particularly satiny for rimming). There will often be a few stray hairs on the inside of the outer labia—you can catch these very carefully if you stretch your outer lips to their most open position.

You can shave your mons bare or sculpt your pubes into an attractive shape. You can fashion a perfectly symmetrical triangle of thick hair or you can shave all but a tuft right at the top of the vulva—a handle for your partner.

When youre finished shaving, hop in the shower and rinse the area with antibacterial soap, such as Hibiclens. Pat dry. Dont use talcum powder, which has been linked to cancer. Moisturize with an unscented, quality lotion. Let your skin absorb the lotion and dry completely before you get dressed. You may feel a bit itchy after a day or so as the hairs grow back—you can shave again or take that itch as a signal that its time for some attention.

#  **Toys for Clitoral Play**

Whats the most essential item for clitoral play? Lube, of course. Even if your own natural lubrication is generous, it doesnt hurt to stock your toy bag with a supply of water-based or silicone lube. A wet clitoris will enjoy sensation far more than a dry one, and the perception of wetness will encourage your own lubrication as you become more aroused. Latex gloves, thoroughly coated with lube, will provide a very slippery surface for clitoral play.

Silicone lubes, like ID Millennium and Eros, are far silkier than water-based lube. Theyre also latex compatible and dont seem to ever dry up, which makes silicone lubes ideal for clitoral stimulation. I dont recommend silicone lube for vaginal penetration; since its not water soluble, silicone lube wont rinse away easily. ( _Do not_ use silicone lube with silicone toys, as it will degrade the silicone in your dildo or butt plug.)

_I need constant, unchanging stimulation, so a vibrator is best for me. I like indirect touching, not too hard, but fast and consistent._

Vibrators are the most popular toy for clitoral play. If your partner prefers intense direct clitoral stimulation, you may find that the consistent intensity of a vibrator works best for her. You can hold the vibrator, or she can—which will free up your hands for other pleasures. You can stroke her labia and the opening to her vagina, or hold the body of her clitoris gently between thumb and forefinger. (See chapter 17, Sex Toys and Accoutrements.)

As with vibrators, water spray from handheld showerheads or Jacuzzi jets can provide intense stimulation. You can vary the water pressure by putting a finger over the hose or jet. Be careful _not_ to spray water directly into the vagina, however.

**_Safer Clitoral Play_**

• Get a manicure. Make sure your nails are smoothly filed.

• Slip a glove or unlubed condom over the head of a Magic Wand or other vibrator with a tennis-ball-style head. Always use a fresh condom or glove when switching sexual activities or partners.

• Use latex, nitrile, or vinyl gloves.

• Put on a fresh glove when you switch activities or partners.

• Dont share vibrators and other sex toys without cleaning between uses.

• Use water-based or silicone lube. Dont use oil-based lube for clitoral stimulation.

• Dont allow bacteria from the anus to enter the vagina.

Many women enjoy using nipple clamps for genital play. Clamps can be attached to the inner or outer labia. Like nipple clamps, labia clamps produce an intense sensation when they go on—and an even more intense sensation when they come off. If your partner is standing, you can try hanging 1-ounce weights from the clamps for added sensation.

#  **Clitoral Play—Safely**

While hand-to-vulva contact is considered low risk for transmission of HIV and other STDs, consider using latex gloves. Blood or vaginal secretions coming in contact with small cuts or raw cuticles can increase your risk. (Pour vinegar over your hands. If you have any tiny cuts or open sores, youll know.)

Herpes, HPV, and bacterial vaginosis can be transmitted via skin-to-skin contact. If you touch your partners genitals and then touch your own, you can transmit bacteria or a virus. You need not have visible lesions or warts to transmit herpes or HPV; and you need not have visible breaks in the skin to acquire it. You can also transmit bacteria from the anus to the vagina; so change gloves or thoroughly wash your hands when changing activities.

Even with frottage—considered by most a safe activity—theres a slight risk of transmission of herpes or HPV with direct vulva-to-vulva contact. (See chapter 18, Safer Sex and Gynecological Health, for more information.)

#  **Where to Learn More**

Want to become an expert at clitoral play? You can attend a Body Electric workshop or pick up an instructional video or DVD, such as Annie Sprinkle and Joseph Kramers _Fire in the Valley_ , which offers step-by-step instructions in female genital massage. See the resources chapter for more suggestions.

SOURCE OF QUOTE

Patrick Califia, _Sensuous Magic: A Guide for Adventurous Couples,_ 2nd ed. (Cleis Press, 2001).


Input: Write a comprehensive guide on oral sex for women, including cunnilingus, analingus, and fellatio with a strap-on dildo. Discuss the various techniques and positions for each activity, as well as the potential risks and ways to practice safer oral sex. Also, address any cultural taboos or body image concerns that may arise during oral sex and provide tips for overcoming them. Finally, suggest resources for further learning and experimentation.

Response:
**_chapter eleven_**

**Oral Sex**

_I love the feeling of my tongue running over a hard clit_.

THERES NOTHING LIKE TONGUE AND LIPS ON VULVA—the taste, smell, and wet hot feel of a womans engorged genitals. Many lesbians and bisexual women love to feel a partners insistent tongue and lips sucking on their labia and erect clit.

Oral sex includes licking, biting, sucking, kissing, and flicking the clit, labia, and perineum, and penetration of the vagina and anus with the tongue. Mouth-to-vulva contact is called _cunnilingus, going down, muff diving, eating pussy, carpet munching,_ or _tipping the velvet._ Mouth-to-anus sex is called _analingus_ or _rimming_.

And while you wont find this sexual activity listed on the contents page of almost any other sex guide, many women love fellatio (also called _cocksucking_ )—with a strap-on dildo attached to the body of a lesbian, bisexual, queer woman, or female-to-male transsexual.

Oral sex is taboo in many Western cultures. We are taught to feel "dirty" down there. In parts of the United States, oral sex is still a crime. Yet some surveys report that oral sex is the favorite sexual activity of a significant number of people—both men and women. Certainly among lesbians, oral sex is extremely popular.

In 1999, the British lesbian monthly _Diva_ published the results of a survey of 400 women readers of the magazine: 47 percent named oral sex as their  favorite way to turn on a partner, and 38 percent rated cunnilingus as the form of "sexual attention they most liked to receive from a partner." 1 (An interesting discrepancy!)

_Im bisexual. Ive had both female and male lovers tell me that they werent into oral sex, which is my cue to tell them to get out of my bed!_

**Illustration 5. Cunnilingus**

#  **Cunnilingus**

_She sends shivers down my spine when she barely traces her tongue over me. The anticipation is enough to drive me crazy._

Many lesbians and bisexual women are connoisseurs of the clitoris. What do we like about cunnilingus? The tongue and lips offer a delicious range of sensations that fingers simply cant match. Theres nothing quite like that wet-on-wet combination of textures.

_I love everything about giving oral sex. The smell, the taste, the way her lips and clit grow as I work them. The way she reacts when I slow down or speed up or suck her clit directly. The way she moans when I make my tongue hard and stick it in her cunt or lick her asshole._

For some women, oral sex produces the most intense, toe-curling orgasms. And women whose clits are especially sensitive may respond to the subtleties of a tongue more readily than a hand or vibrator.

_I love that my girlfriend comes so easily when I go down on her. Sometimes I lie on top of my vibrator while I go down on her, and thats very sexy for me._

Theres an intimacy in having someones face so near to your genitals and in getting such a close-up on someone elses arousal. Having your most tender bits inside the mouth of your partner can make you feel vulnerable. You get to give up control. That sense of surrender may be quite freeing for you—and pure ecstasy for your partner.

_I like knowing that Im in complete control of her pleasure. I love feeling her melt in my mouth._

However, many women feel anything but submissive while furiously riding their lovers face.

Its just that sense of intimacy that can make cunnilingus such a powerful experience, one that for many requires a degree of trust. Having your partners face between your legs can challenge your body image and self-acceptance. Do  you really feel comfortable in your body? Do you feel beautiful opening up your sex for your partners inspection?

_My first girlfriend wouldnt go down on me, and we never talked about it. She wouldnt let me go down on her, either. I developed fear and shame that took several years to overcome. Now I love the taste of vaginal juice. I get wet imaging a cunt in my mouth. The softness, the sweetness, the wetness, and the intimacy of_ _it completely turns me on. I think being comfortable with body fluids and being comfortable with intimacy helped me open up to enjoying oral sex._

**Illustration 6. Cunnilingus, Receptive Partner on Top**

Many women worry that they may smell or taste bad. Of course, jokes about womens genitals smelling like fish dont help matters. If youre concerned about how you will smell and taste, take a bath before sex. Next time you masturbate, taste your own juices. You may be surprised at how sweet you taste when youre turned on.

_My lover has the most amazing lips. They are slightly swollen, and a beautiful walnut color, and always soft and warm…. And her thighs feel splendid next to my ears._

#  **Going Down on Your Girl**

Oral sex begins with talking. Women are as individual in their cunnilingus preferences as in any other aspect of sex. Dont assume your partner likes long languid licks, responds best to rapid flicks of the tongue, or wants you to bury your whole face in her fur. Ask her what she likes. You can suggest that she take your head in her hands and put you exactly where she wants you. Show her—with your mouth on her vulva—how _you_ like to receive oral sex and invite her to do the same for you.

##  **Hair**

_I like bush. Furry girls. Getting pubes caught in your teeth—the whole enchilada._

Some women love the texture of pubic hair and the after-sex ritual of picking hairs from between their teeth. One woman wrote, "All of my best have been redheads. Thats called going down in flames. "

Others find those errant hairs a distraction. Hold her pubic hair aside with your hands—you can grip her hair between thumb and forefinger, hold her lips open, and even pleasure her with little tugs. You can give your partner a trim, shaving the outer labia and mons and trimming the outer pubic area in preparation for sex. Think of her coif as very creative foreplay. (See "Genital Shaving" in chapter 10, Clitoral Play.)

##  **Blood**

_I absolutely loved the way her cunt tasted, with just a hint of iron._

The popularity of lesbian vampire erotica attests to the hold of blood on our imaginations. Are you a vampire? Some women love to taste a partners menstrual blood during oral sex. In fact, some lesbians like to play vampire so much they seek out menstruating partners.

Others find blood contact unappealing—and even terrifying, given the fact that HIV, hepatitis, and other STDs can be transmitted through direct blood contact.

Some women have found safe ways to play with blood. The tangy, iron smell of your partners blood can be an adequate substitute for taste—you can enjoy the aroma before covering her up with Saran wrap. You can don a glove and anoint her thighs and breasts with her own blood. She may even enjoy licking your gloved hand clean. Of course, if youre fluid-bonded (having unprotected sex only with each other), you and your partner can make an informed decision regarding oral sex during menstruation. (See chapter 18, Safer Sex and Gynecological Health, for more information.)

#  **How-Tos of Cunnilingus**

• Be a tease. Start with indirect stimulation to warm her up.

• Lick and nibble her inner thighs, belly, and outer labia.

• Rub your entire face over her vulva.

• Nibble her inner labia; take each one into your mouth and suck.

• Put a drop of water-based lube on the genital side of a dental dam. As you tongue her clitoris, let the latex slide with your strokes. (Mark one side of the dental dam with a pen, so that when things get slippery, you know which side is which.)

• Circle her clit with the tip of your tongue. Experiment with different pressures and speeds.

• Stretch a piece of plastic wrap between her legs and around her waist like a loincloth—and then take a long lick from clit to butt.

• Penetrate her vagina with your tongue. Lick the area right below her urethra and just inside her vagina.

• Hum. Sound produces vibration. Your partner will feel as well as hear you groan as you pleasure her.

• Blow warm air over her vulva. (If she is pregnant, to avoid causing an air embolism _do not_ blow directly into the vagina.)

• Flick your tongue rapidly over the glans, hood, and shaft of her clit.

• Flatten your tongue and rub it over her glans and shaft.

• Some women love the excruciating sensation of sharp nibbles on their tender parts. Some dont, so ask.

• Grab a glove—or two—and combine cunnilingus with penetration (vaginal or anal, or both). You can match the rhythms of your tongue with the thrusts of your fingers. One woman wrote, "I love fingers inside of me while a tongue is licking me. When she uses the vibrator on me, too—whoa! Explosion!"

• If your partner likes G-spot stimulation (and you love the way she gushes when she comes), insert a finger or two and stroke her G-spot with that "come hither" gesture.

• You dont have to get her off by the clock. Back off, tease, go forward, tease some more. Stop and ask what feels best. Intensify your play as she gets more aroused.

#  **Analingus**

_That musty scent along with her womanly scent is heaven._

You may never have thought that putting your mouth on your partners anus would fill you with desire—or that having your partners lips and tongue on yours would drive you wild. The idea of putting your mouth on someones anus may conjure responses ranging from memories of schoolyard insult ("Lick my ass!") to deep cultural taboo. But the delicacy and rich nerve endings of the anus combined with the soft, wet heat of tongue and lips provide for an extremely erotic array of sensations.

As with many turn-ons, theres no logic to what we love. One womans ticket to ecstasy may be anothers repulsion ("Rimming? Yuck! Why would anyone do that?"). Why would you want to tongue your partners ass? Because shes so sensitive there, because rimming makes her squirm, and because the earthy taste and smell make you feel so primal—or simply because its such a big taboo.

_Im not exactly sure why I love rimming a woman, but I do. Im getting a bit wet just thinking about it._

What does having a tongue in your anus do for you? Well, the soft, subtle sensations cant be compared to anything else. Perhaps because the anus receives so little sexual attention, its especially sensitive. The delicate, puckered mouth of your anus is ripe for play.

_When my lovers rim me, they have me in the palm of their hand. I simply turn into flesh and bone offered up for their use._

Its not uncommon to feel ambivalent about having a lovers tongue in your asshole. You may worry that you smell or taste bad, or that your lover will find feces there. While your concerns may be inhibiting, they may also be exciting—one woman wrote that rimming makes her feel like a "bad girl doing the forbidden," which is one reason she loves it.

_I was so self-conscious that it wasnt entirely enjoyable. It felt good, though. If I could overcome my initial discomfort, Im sure Id love it._

If youre concerned about cleanliness, you can shower, use dental dams or other barriers, or have an enema before sex. There are usually small traces of fecal matter in the anus and rectum, and you can transmit hepatitis A, bacteria, or parasites through unprotected anal-oral contact. Licking her clitoris after rimming can lead to vaginal infections because bacteria from the anus may be carried by your tongue into her vagina.

Some women enjoy shaving the area around the anus—shaving makes for a smoother, cleaner-feeling surface and as preparation for sex it can be a turn-on.

#  **How-Tos of Analingus**

• Gently nibble the inner thighs and buttocks.

• Tickle the hairs around the anus with the tip of your tongue.

• Grab a glove and some water-based lube, to combine rimming with vaginal penetration or clitoral stimulation.

• Lightly circle her anus with your tongue.

• Flick your tongue rapidly against her opening.

• Lay your soft tongue flat against her anus and rub against the opening.

• Lick up and down her butt crack.

• Press your tongue into her opening.

**Illustration 7. Analingus**

#  **Positions for Oral Sex**

What are the best positions for oral sex? The ones that work for you, of course. You can lie between your partners legs, especially if you like to maintain eye contact. This position has the added advantage of drawing on your upper-body strength: Prop yourself up on your elbows as you cup her asscheeks in your hands, and then rock your upper body as you lick her clitoris.

But thats only the beginning. She may like to be licked while on her hands and knees. You can then slide your face under her—in either direction. You can lie on your back and have your partner straddle your face—it helps if she can steady herself by leaning on the wall or headboard.

Rear entry is perhaps the easiest position for rimming because it affords good access to the anus. But most cunnilingus positions can be adapted for analingus as well.

You can bend over her vulva while kneeling at her side. With her legs spread wide and her hips raised, you can also reach her anus. She can sit on the edge of her chair with you eagerly kneeling at her feet. She can stand over you.

With your partner on her knees or standing, her clit and labia hang down and can be sucked into your mouth; with your partner on her back with legs spread, her genitals are stretched out, providing a wider surface for your tongue.

Many women love the mutual stimulation of the _69_ position, either lying on top of each other or side by side. You may find it difficult to concentrate on licking your partner when your brain has slipped down between your legs. You can take turns pleasuring each other—theres no rule that performing _69_ means you have to reach orgasm simultaneously.

And mutual pleasuring doesnt mean you both must like the same kinds of stimulation. You can penetrate your partner with fingers, a vibrator, or even your whole hand as her tongue and lips go to work on you. You can lick your partner while lying on a vibrator. Or you can simply reserve one hand for yourself.

#  **What a Pain in the Neck!**

A long session of oral sex can leave your neck feeling stiff or sore. You may have become so distracted that you may not have noticed the awkward position of your neck.

_When my partner takes a very long time to come, my neck hurts!_

Theres no reason you should have to pay for your pleasure with a trip to the chiropractor. Choose a position that supports your neck. For instance, you can lie on your back with a pillow under your neck as your partner straddles your face. Or slip pillows under your partners butt (or belly, if shes lying on her stomach) to prop her up.

You might also consider Liberator Shapes high-density urethane core wedge, which slopes upward to support your partners hip and butt, raising her vulva 7 inches closer to your mouth.

If youre prone to neck and back pain, heres an opportunity to vary your repertoire. Combine oral sex with other forms of stimulation; make sure your partner is extremely aroused before you begin oral sex; or treat oral sex as a tasty appetizer—plug in the vibrator when it comes to the main course.

_I thought I was going to have lockjaw once. She was lying back enjoying it, and I was thinking, "I love you, but come, for Gods sake, or my tongues going to commit suicide!"_

#  **(Detachable) Cocksucking**

_The first time my girlfriend gave me a blow job, I came so hard I thought Id shoot across the room._

Many women love to give head to a gorgeous dyke (or transman) with an eager cock. And many of those who "pack"—tucking a strap-on dildo into Levis 501s or under trousers—enjoy the attention and stimulation of a blow job.

So why would anyone want to suck a hunk of silicone? The allure of this practice is part fantasy and part sensation. Most women who enjoy fellatio with a strap-on get off on the gender twist.

_I love sucking lesbian cock. Im really into the butch-on-butch thing._

(For those whose partners include FTMs, third gender, tranny boys, and butches who dont identify as women _per se,_ performing fellatio is a marker of gender identity, not fantasy. That cock in your mouth signifies your identity as a woman who loves her transgendered partners; for your partner, receiving a blow job is one of the great payoffs of masculine sexuality.)

Getting on your knees before your partner is a bold admission of desire. Whether or not you associate cocksucking with submission, you cant miss the courage behind such a statement. You can feel your partner jump as you push the base of the dildo into her vulva. You can look up and watch her face as you lick the head of the dildo and slide it into your mouth. Youre up close and personal with the very part of her that will drive you wild when she penetrates you vaginally or anally.

_Having my cock sucked changed my whole consciousness about gender and power._

For the lucky one receiving that blow job? Its humbling to see your partner get on her knees for you. Having your partner worship your cock makes your gender fantasies come to life.

Theres heat in holding her head and watching her take you inside her mouth. The pressure of her mouth and hands pushing the base of the dildo against your mons and clitoris may be enough stimulation to make you come. Many dildo-loving dykes name fellatio as their favorite way to reach orgasm.

_I really cant explain the rush I get from a woman sucking my cock. Its almost like its a real extension of me; and at times it has gotten me off._

You can combine silicone cocksucking with other kinds of stimulation. Your partner can lick her way to your butt or insert a finger into your anus or vagina. You can wear a butt plug and nipple clamps while your partner gives you head. You can slip a small battery-operated vibrator under the harness to provide direct clitoral stimulation or hold a wand-style vibrator between your thighs.

_Sometimes while Im getting sucked off, Ill put a pocket rocket on my clit and visualize myself shooting down her throat._

Some women combine fellatio with vaginal penetration. Vixen Creations, the San Francisco-based toy company, makes a double-headed dildo angled just right for cocksucking. You can insert one end of the double-headed dildo into your vagina and offer up the other to be sucked. (See chapter 17, Sex Toys and Accoutrements.)

**Illustration 8. (Detachable) Cocksucking**

Vaginal penetration and cocksucking can be a confusing mix. Some who enjoy receiving fellatio with dildos dont want attention paid to their vagina. How their female sexual anatomy fits with their gender identity is nuanced. Then again, your partner may like your fingers inside her vagina as you lean over to lick the tip of the dildo. Ask your partner what she likes.

#  **How to Suck (Detachable) Cock**

• Lick and nibble your partners thighs and belly. Show what a tease you can be.

• Slip an unlubed condom into your mouth. Roll it onto your partners dildo.

• Hold the base of her dildo in your hand; this will help you control your partners thrusts into your mouth.

• Push the base of the dildo into her mons and clitoris.

• Circle the head of the dildo with your tongue.

• Grab a glove and slip your fingers behind the harness. You can stroke her clit as you suck the head of her cock.

• You can slide two fingers inside her vagina and stimulate her G-spot in rhythm to the thrusts of the dildo in your mouth.

• Keep a dental dam handy—while youre nibbling at her balls (featured on realistic models) or at the base of her dildo, you can lick your way to her vulva or anus.

• Alternate sucking on the tip of the dildo with slowly sliding the dildo into your mouth, taking more in each time.

• You can learn to relax your throat so that you can take more of her without gagging. You can practice in advance on your own dildo—or rent a how-to video or DVD, such as Nina Hartleys _Advanced Guide to Oral Sex._

#  **Oral Sex—Safely**

Even if you dont believe that women can transmit HIV via oral sex—and there simply havent been enough studies to date to know for sure—we do know that other STDs _can_ be transmitted through cunnilingus and analingus.

**_Safer Oral Sex_**

• Use dental dams, Saran wrap, or a cut-up glove or condom as a protective barrier for cunnilingus and analingus.

• Put a dab of water-based lube on the genital side of the barrier.

• Mark your side of the dental dam with a pen—so that if the dam slips youll know which sides which.

• Always use a new dam or other barrier when you switch from rimming to cunnilingus, to reduce the risk of infection from anal bacteria.

• If youre allergic to latex, use plastic wrap or cut up a vinyl or nitrile glove.

• Use unlubed condoms on your dildos—always use a fresh condom when switching sexual activities or partners.

• If you enjoy rimming, consider getting a hepatitis A vaccination.

• Dont allow bacteria from the anus to enter the vagina.

• After unprotected rimming, rinse with antibacterial mouthwash before licking your partners clitoris.

While the risk for transmitting HIV through unprotected cunnilingus (when no blood is present) is considered low, oral sex can transmit herpes and HPV (a virus linked to cervical cancer). Remember that if you like rough sex, with lots of biting, you may come in contact with blood even if your partner isnt menstruating.

When blood is present, the risk increases to include not only herpes and HPV, but also possible transmission of HIV, hepatitis C, and hepatitis B.

Analingus can transmit hepatitis A, anal herpes, anal warts, parasites, and possibly HIV. Many health advocates strongly recommend that you get a hepatitis A vaccine if you engage in unprotected rimming.

_I contracted genital herpes from a girlfriend. I didnt know about safer sex. I was young, in love, and invincible. None of these things protected me. My girlfriends pleasuring me orally was all it took. It is still a very sad thing for me. I do a lot of HIV/STD work. The ignorance among other young people is very scary. Lots of lesbians dont even know what a dental dam is._

Of all these STD risks, the most common story is that women routinely transmit herpes, HPV, and bacterial infections to each other through cunnilingus. Given the prevalence of these STDs, youd think wed all be stocking up on Saran wrap and dental dams. But while many lesbian and bisexual women use latex barriers for oral sex, many do not. When lesbians let safer-sex practices lapse, odds are theyre going down.

_Mmmmmmm, I love rimming. I dont take any precautions, and I know that I should. This is the one risky behavior I wont forgo._

#  **So Whats a Girl to Do?**

_The whole dental dam thing is a drag—if I cant go "down" naturally…then I dont bother._

For some, STD risks are reason enough to opt out of oral sex. They dont want to risk transmitting or getting herpes and other STDs, but the thought of licking latex is unappealing.

_Oral sex is not part of my sex life at all. My current partner will not engage in it with me due to the risks (I have had herpes since I first had sex!) and doesnt like dams or plastic wrap. In my professional life, I insist on dams or plastic wrap, and so most people decline!_

Many women think barriers for oral sex will be awful, without even trying them. Gather some supplies (and your favorite sex partner) and give them a whirl in the spirit of experimentation. You may surprise yourself.

Dental dams were designed to be used by dentists, of course, to keep your tongue and saliva out of the way while working on your teeth. The small squares of latex are thought to be effective barriers in preventing transmission of STDs during oral sex.

Since dental dams have a certain medical aesthetic—they are unattractive, too small to handle easily, and a bit thick—sex toy entrepreneurs came up with  alternatives designed specifically for sex. One of these is the Glyde Lollyes dam—a sheer, 10" x 6" sheet of vanilla-scented latex, designed for sex, not root canals. Glyde dams are lightly powdered with cornstarch (which can be rinsed off before use). These are more expensive, but also more appealing than actual dental dams. Good Vibrations designed a dam they call Slicks, which are individually wrapped in foil like a condom. Lixx makes flavored dams for cunnilingus.

_Latex sorta tickles in a good way. Almost teasing, but I love being teased._

You can use plastic wrap—cheap and readily available. You can pull off as large a piece as you like and even wrap it around your partner like a loincloth. With plastic wrap, you can take a long forbidden lick from clit to vagina to butt and back again—without the worry of carrying bacteria from anus to vagina.

You can also cut up a latex glove or condom to use as a barrier. (See illustration, chapter 5, The Road to Heaven Leads to You.)

You may find rimming a more appealing practice when using a barrier. Try slipping an unlubed condom into your mouth, roll it over your tongue, and penetrate your partner as deeply as you desire. (Be aware that this technique works only if you keep your lips away from her exposed membranes.)

_Id never do rimming without a dental dam—Ive known too many gay men whove suffered the medical repercussions of unprotected rimming._

Using a barrier, you can enjoy cunnilingus during menstruation without fear of blood contact. You can have oral sex with someone whom you may not feel you know well enough to put tongue to bare membrane.

You can even play with latex as a sex toy, creating sensations that might not be possible with your naked tongue. You can create a latex suction bubble, snap the latex against her genitals, put a dab of water-based lube on her side of the dam, and slide the latex over her clit. If you find direct clitoral stimulation to be too intense, latex can help by slightly decreasing sensation.

One complaint is that holding the dental dam in place occupies hands that could be put to better use elsewhere. The latex square tends to roll up. Holding it taut may require more effort than you care to devote to the task. You can buy  a dental dam harness (JTs Stockroom sells a leather model that looks much like a dildo harness) or modify a garter belt. Just shorten the garters to hold the latex square tightly against your vulva. If you sew on an extra set of fasteners, you can make a fashion statement with your Glyde dam and sheer black hose. Use your imagination—safer sex can become a fashion opportunity.

Is there a loss of intimacy in using dental dams and plastic wrap? Yes, many women find that licking and sucking a partner through a barrier diminishes taste, smell, texture, and that feeling of being so close to anothers body.

_Sometimes using latex makes me feel like I am not close enough. Especially with oral sex, because it is the taste of a woman that I find so pleasurable and arousing._

On the other hand, theres nothing like bonding over your mutual commitment to making healthy decisions. Talking about your sex histories, experimenting with safer-sex accoutrements, and laughing at your awkwardness can be very intimate. And while youre exploring the lube-and-latex options, you may just discover your partners hottest fantasy of tongues and lips and her most tender places.

#  **Suggested Web Links**

GLYDE DAMS

www.sheerglydedams.com

THE SAFER SEX PAGES

www.safersex.org/women/lesbianss.html


Input: Write a comprehensive guide on vaginal penetration for women, including finger-fucking, fisting, and using strap-on dildos. Discuss the various techniques and positions for each activity, as well as the potential risks and ways to practice safer vaginal penetration. Also, address any cultural taboos or body image concerns that may arise during vaginal penetration and provide tips for overcoming them. Finally, suggest resources for further learning and experimentation.

Response:
**_chapter twelve_**

**Vaginal Penetration**

After a number of vaginal orgasms, I get this wonderful feeling that I can only describe as being thoroughly _**done**._

PENETRATIVE SEX IS INTIMATE. With your fingers and hands, you can feel every pulse and contraction of your partners arousal and orgasm. With your partners hand or dildo inside you, you can enjoy a connection that is both immediate and emotionally powerful.

Penetration may be your preferred mode of reaching orgasm—you may enjoy multiple orgasms or wave upon wave of extended orgasm through vaginal penetration. Some women say they experience orgasms from vaginal penetration as deeper—"more bass than treble," as one woman wrote. Many women come most reliably from vaginal penetration combined with clitoral stimulation—from fingers, a vibrator, or tongue. Even if you dont reach orgasm through penetrative sex, you may crave that feeling of being filled. If its your goal to reach orgasm through penetration as either the insertive or the receptive partner, read on!

#  **Take a Tour**

A quick review of sexual anatomy will show that the clitoris is a system of engorging tissue—your clit isnt just the externally visible glans, but rather a  "pyramid-shaped mass of erectile tissue."2 Clitoral tissue cradles the urethra, and the crura extend back to the vaginal walls. During penetration, the clitoris is stimulated indirectly through the walls of the vagina.

**_Ten Myths About Vaginal Penetration_**

1\. _If you want to be penetrated, youre not really a lesbian._ As Susie Bright says, "fucking is no more heterosexual than kissing."1 Penetrative sex stimulates the sensitive outer third of the vagina, including the G-spot, and provides a delicious source of indirect clitoral stimulation. That feeling of fullness is both emotionally satisfying and physically pleasurable. Contrary to myth, nerve endings have no identity politics.

2\. _Hands and fingers are fine for foreplay, but if it aint a dick, it aint sex._ Behind this myth is the notion that pleasure we produce with our hands—whether "digital penetration," "hand jobs," or masturbation—doesnt "count." Hands are dexterous. Fingers bend. They can produce a limitless variety of touch and motion, and can reach the G-spot more easily than a penis.

3\. _Dildos are imitations of the real thing._ No, that strap-on dildo is the real thing—its a real lesbian cock. Dildos have their own characteristics that make them uniquely well suited for sexual pleasure—even women who have sex with men at times prefer a dildo to a penis. You can pick dildos for size, shape, and texture. Dildos aim to please—they stay hard, long after either partners orgasm. Dildos go back into the drawer after sex.

4\. _I like penetration, but if I wanted something in me that looked like a penis, Id go out and get a man._ You can find dildos to suit every taste (so to speak). Some are realistic, with veins, balls, and glans—you can even buy a dildo modeled after a famous porn star. Others are abstract, like Vixens collection of variously shaped dildos that come in all colors and even swirl patterns. (See chapter 17, Sex Toys and Accoutrements.)

5\. _But I cant come from penetrating my partner._ For some strap-on studs, getting off isnt the point. But if youd like to reach orgasm while penetrating your partner, youll find specific techniques for you suggested throughout this chapter.

6\. _Women who strap on dildos want to be men._ Strap-on studs may identify as transgendered—some as butch lesbians and some as FTMs. And some butches and FTMs like to get penetrated. Some women wear strap-ons with garters, sheer fishnet stockings, and heels. You dont have to associate strap-on play with gender at all—you can wear a dildo to penetrate your partner just because you like how it feels.

7\. _Fisting is dangerous._ Not if you do it right. See "Vaginal Fisting," below.

8\. _If you get fisted, youll end up all stretched out (and you wont be satisfied with a mere finger, dildo, or penis)._ The muscles at the opening of the vagina get stronger with use, not weaker. If youre concerned about maintaining muscle tone, do your PC exercises. (See chapter 3, Anatomy and Sexual Response.) Will you be spoiled by the intensity of that fist inside you? Yes!

9\. _If you like to get fucked, youre a "bottom."_ Vaginal penetration can be part of a dominance/ submission scene, with the top fisting her submissive partner or penetrating her with a strap-on or handheld dildo. Conversely, the top can be the receptive partner, directing her partners actions with great menace and authority. ("Get that cock in me! Now!") The bottom can feel very compliant on her knees between her tops legs. Of course, many women who enjoy penetrative sex have no interest in power play whatsoever. Penetration simply feels good.

10\. _Women who crave penetration are really bisexual (or even heterosexual)._ Maybe, maybe not. One woman wrote, "I never enjoyed vaginal penetration until I identified as a lesbian." The hidden fear behind this myth is that your partner will reject you for a man. Many lesbians who have no interest in men love vaginal penetration, as do many bisexual women. Regardless of whether your partner enjoys sex with men, at this moment it is your hard cock, poised expectantly between her legs, that she desires. Enjoy it!

Most women find the area of the vagina nearest the opening to be the most responsive to touch, which makes sense since the outer third of the vagina contains the most nerve endings. The G-spot is located on the front wall of the vagina, fairly close to the opening.

Take a tour of your own vagina before inviting a partner in. When you reach inside with your fingers pointing toward the front wall of your vagina, you can find your G-spot by stroking in a "come hither" motion. Some women find G-spot stimulation really pleasurable, and others find it irritating. Using your  fingers or a firm, curved dildo, experiment with movement and pressure. You can locate your cervix and note how your uterus lifts and your vagina balloons out as you approach orgasm. Its much easier to tell a lover how to please you when you know what you like. (See chapter 3, Anatomy and Sexual Response, and chapter 6, Masturbation.)

#  **Finger-Fucking**

Your fingers are extremely communicative. You can feel and transmit very subtle sensations with your fingers. Your fingers are also dexterous. They can bend and reach to explore every nook and cranny. You can use your fingers as a prelude to  something, well, bigger—more fingers, a hand, or a dildo—or as the main attraction. Not every woman wants four fingers inside her vagina; and those who do may enjoy the feeling of slowly adding fingers one at a time.

You can caress the opening of the vagina, and your partner can squeeze your fingers as you find her most sensitive spots. You can easily reach her G-spot by angling your fingers toward the front wall of the vagina. Try caressing her G-spot with varying pressure and speed, as you would the glans and hood of her clit.

As the receptive partner, you can push out toward your partners hand; your G-spot will be apparent as an area of tissue thats spongier and rougher than the rest of your vagina.

**Illustration 9. Vaginal Finger-Fucking**

You can use one hand for penetration, reserving the other for clitoral stimulation. The finger circling her clit can match the rhythms of the finger thrusting inside her. You can hold a vibrator to her clit, or she can touch herself—leaving you to concentrate on her vagina. With two or three fingers you can rapidly thrust in and out, pumping at a pitch that you couldnt possibly sustain with a strap-on dildo.

#  **Vaginal Fisting**

_When Im being fisted, I am all cunt._

Fisting (also called _handballing_ or _fist-fucking_ ) is the practice of inserting a whole hand inside a womans vagina (or anus—see chapter 13, Anal Penetration). Contrary to its name, the balled-up fist isnt forced past the vaginal opening. Rather, the hand is slowly and gently inserted, and once inside, its curled into a ball—hence the term _fisting_.

Fisting is about trust and desire. You have to _want_ to be fisted to open so dramatically to another human being—and you have to trust your partner to allow her entry in such an intimate way. While not everyone can be fisted—and a particular hand may be too big for a particular vagina—fisting is more a matter of arousal than anatomy.

Those who love _to give_ fisting speak of the primal connection of having ones entire hand inside the body of another human being. For emotional intimacy, nothing surpasses fisting, they say. You can feel every ripple and pulsation of your partners arousal. Deep inside her body, it feels as if you have the core of her sexual power literally in the palm of your hand.

For women who crave deep penetration, fisting satisfies that need to be completely filled. You can ride every subtle movement of your partners hand into an ocean of sensation. You can completely surrender to the overwhelming intensity of being inexorably penetrated.

How does fisting work? The vagina is quite elastic. After all, it stretches to accommodate a baby during birth. When youre sexually aroused, your whole  vagina expands, opens, and balloons out. As you near orgasm, your vagina becomes quite spacious.

Some women discover fisting almost by accident: One particularly hungry day, when three or even four fingers arent enough, your vagina engulfs your partners hand. However, most women come to fisting more intentionally.

Fisting requires communication, patience, and lube—lots of lube. The receptive partner takes control to receive her partners fist. She must communicate how much, how fast, how intensely those fingers, and finally that hand, can enter. To do so, she needs to be aware of her body. She needs to know what feels good and what doesnt, and what she needs and wants—and to be able to communicate these to her partner even when the sensations are overwhelming.

Unless you and your partner are veteran fisters, this is not an activity for a lunch-break quickie. Take your time. Before you even _think_ about penetration, make sure the receptive partner is thoroughly turned on.

Snap on a latex glove and coat your entire hand with a water-based lube—front and back, up to the wrist. Begin with two fingers. Then three fingers. Then four. Tuck your thumb into the palm of your hand. Try to make your hand as skinny as possible—fisting how-to guides speak of folding your hand into the shape of a ducks bill. (See the chapter 19, Bibliography.)

Enter her vagina up to the widest part of the hand, with your palm facing the front wall of her vagina and your knuckles facing her tailbone. At this point, move only by millimeters. Stop frequently to add more lube. Talk to your partner—ask her what feels good and what doesnt. Maintain eye contact. Breathe with her. You can place the palm of your free hand on her chest or hold her hand. Connect with her in any way that works for the two of you.

Some women love the circular pressure of a scooping motion on the fully stretched vaginal opening. You may be able to rotate your way inside of her. Or, you may be able to push straight in; youll feel a "pop" and your hand will disappear.

But what if it hurts? Most likely, if you are four fingers deep and about to sink your entire hand into your partner, the pain comes from the widest part of your hand pushing against the ring of muscles at the opening of her vagina. The bones of your hand also may be pressing painfully against her pelvic bones.

Just as the vagina opens with arousal, it shuts down with fear or stress. Dont try to force your hand inside of her. Fisting is not supposed to hurt. Back off to three fingers or even two. Add more lube. You might try to enter her from a different angle. Let her take the lead.

Some women open more easily after orgasm. If your partner is rocking up against your hand, squeezing her thighs, and contracting around your fingers—in other words, if shes working up to a colossal orgasm—you may want to ride that orgasm with her. After she comes, stay inside, moving very slowly. Let her arousal build back up again. You may find that her vagina opens wide enough for your hand to slip though.

**Illustration 10. Vaginal Fisting**

Other women open to their fullest during a long session of penetrative sex _without_ orgasm. The more turned on they get, the more their vagina opens. You can postpone your partners orgasm, a sweet torture all its own. Slow her down. Still your fingers. Ask her to relax the muscles of her pelvis and thighs, and to breathe with you, slowly and deeply. For the woman who loves to grip a finger or dildo, this will seem counterintuitive—but it works.

That having been said, fisting isnt something you "make" happen. Dont be goal oriented. Both partners need to be relaxed and open to possibility.

What to do when you get your hand inside your partner? Ball up your hand into a fist. Immediately. And then be still as your partner adjusts to the overwhelming reality of your hand filling her vagina—not to mention her consciousness.

When your partner is ready, you can move your hand. Remember that a small movement to you is a tidal wave to her. Some women like a slow rotation from the wrist in very small, subtle, corkscrew movements. Others like a gentle thrusting movement—just a centimeter forward and back, slowly and then more rapidly as she gets turned on. Eventually she may become so open that youre able to thrust in and out, pulling your hand completely out of her vagina and working your hand inside her over and over. The intensity of this is indescribable.

The first time she put her hand inside me,
I was looking into her eyes; it was very, very intimate.
She says that she can feel my orgasm start before I do;
I love letting her be that close to me.

Some women like the pressure on their cervix that comes with deep penetration. That doesnt mean banging on the cervix, which is delicate and can be bruised easily. Heres where you can appreciate the "ballooning" of the vagina just before orgasm. Depending on her menstrual cycle and the location of her cervix, you may be able slip your hand behind her cervix.

In fisting, your partner can ride the edge of her orgasm for a long, long time. In fact, some women like to be fisted endlessly with little thought of coming. Others will begin climbing to the peak of an extended orgasm the moment your fist begins to move. You can combine fisting with many other sources of stimulation, including vibrators, nipple clamps, and even a small butt plug. Some women like to use a vibrator on their clit while being fisting. Others prefer their own fingers.

Dont yank your hand out of your partners vagina. Getting out is best handled as gently as going in. If your partner has clamped down on your hand, you may have to slowly work your way out.

Fisting can be a vulnerable experience for both partners. Allow time to cool down together.

#  **Strap-On Dildos**

Dildos are perhaps the worlds oldest sex toys. You can hold a dildo in your hand or wear it in a harness, freeing up your hands for other pleasures.

Dildos come in all shapes and sizes. A dildo appropriate for strap-on sex has a flared base so that it will not slip out of the harness. Harnesses come in several different styles.

Thigh harnesses wrap around one thigh, with the dildo protruding out of a ring in the fabric. Some women find movement with the thigh harness easier and more natural. If you like to hump a partners thigh, this harness may be for you.

Single-strap (thong-style) harnesses feature a strap that goes between the legs. Some women love the stimulation of the center strap; others dont like a strap between their legs. You can attach a cuff to hold a dildo or butt plug in place on the center strap. Some women find these harnesses to be the most stable.

Two-strap (jock-style) harnesses have straps that go around the thighs and butt much like a jockstrap; they tend to position the dildo lower on your body, right over your mons. They may provide more stimulation for the wearer.

**Illustration 11. Vaginal Penetration with Strap-On**

Youll learn all about selecting dildos and harnesses in chapter 17, Sex Toys and Accoutrements.

Wielding a strap-on takes practice; you may feel very self-conscious the first time you look in the mirror and see a dildo bobbing between your legs. Try wearing the dildo and harness when youre alone. You can even masturbate while wearing your new strap-on—with dildo in hand, push the base against your mons, thrust with your hips, and notice any sensations in your pelvis. Rachel Venning and Claire Cavanah of Toys in Babeland take this exercise a step further: "Close your eyes and push with your hips into your hand. Visualize the energy running from your shoulder down into your arm and from your body into the base of the dildo. Notice the sensation of the base pushing into your body. Put a little spit or lube into your hand and slide it around the head of the dick…"3 Thats right—bond with that new toy.

Use your fingers to explore your partners vagina before you penetrate her with a dildo. You can learn the size and shape of her vagina and discover what feels best to her. Roll a condom onto your dildo and apply plenty of water-based lube. Use your hand to guide the dildo into her. Go slowly and pay attention to her responses.

If youre the receptive partner, youre in charge during strap-on sex. Heres an opportunity to hone your communication skills. Since your partner has no nerve endings in the tip of her dildo (much as it may feel that she does at times), she cant know if shes painfully banging your cervix unless you tell her. Do you want your partner to grind slowly and deeply into you? Do you want her to thrust faster? Harder? Tell her!

The thrusting of the dildo inside you may provide enough indirect clitoral stimulation to bring you to orgasm. Just the fantasy of a woman with a hard cock may be enough to make you come. You can also combine vaginal penetration with direct clitoral stimulation. You can stimulate your clitoris with a vibrator or your fingers as your partner is penetrating you. Your partner can slip a vibrating cock ring onto her dildo; she can stimulate your clitoris as she grinds into you. In the rear-entry position, she can reach around and touch your clit as she penetrates you.

But what about the thrill of having your partner come with her dildo deep inside you? What about the insertive partner who wants to reach orgasm while penetrating her partner?

Just the idea of thrusting your strap-on dildo into a partners vagina may be enough to make you come. Perhaps the base of the dildo rubbing against your clitoris provides the stimulation you need. If you require direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, you can strap a battery-operated vibrator, such as an egg vibe, over your clit. You can slip a vibrating cock ring around the shaft of your dildo (on the skin side of the harness). You can strap on a hollow dildo designed to take an egg vibe in its base. You can wear a harness with a small pouch designed to hold a vibrator in just the right spot.

Tristan Taormino recommends a realistic dildo with balls: "Balls do more than make it look real; they extend the base of the dildo and cover more surface area—which means more for you to rub up against."4

You can wear a vibrating dildo or butt plug inside yourself—these can be attached to the center strap of a thong-style harness. You can each wear a thigh harness for simultaneous penetration. Your partner can hold a Magic Wand between your thighs. You can reach under your harness and touch yourself as you penetrate your partner.

For some strap-on studs, getting off isnt the point. They like seeing the dildo penetrating a partners vagina and giving a partner all that pleasure. In fact, for some women, thats the best thing about strap-on sex—an enthusiastic partner with a hard cock whose attention is entirely focused on pleasing her.

When shes doing me with a dildo I feel wild and slutty—its just good rough dirty sex.

#  **How-Tos of Vaginal Penetration**

• As the receptive partner, you can take the lead. Tell your partner exactly how you want to be penetrated.

• Roll a condom onto your partners strap-on. Lube her up!

• As the insertive partner, make sure your partner is really turned on before you enter her.

• Use lube—lots of lube—even if she seems fairly wet to you. You can warm the lube by running hot water over the bottle before you begin to play.

• Snap on a latex glove—lubricated latex will make your fingers and hand ultra smooth.

• Even if your intention is to fill your partner with your entire hand or your strap-on dildo, start with one finger. Build up slowly.

• You can take your partners wrist in hand and guide her inside you.

• Tease her—give her less than she wants, and then a little more.

• Bring out the toys—add nipple clamps, bondage, vibrators, and butt plugs to penetrative sex.

• You can lean over and lick her clitoris while pumping your fingers or a handheld dildo in and out of her vagina.

• Use two hands—you can slip the fingers of one hand into your partners vagina while the other hand attends to her anus. Your fingers can "meet" through the thin wall of tissue separating the vagina from the anus. (Do not allow bacteria from the anus to come in contact with the vagina.)

• As the insertive partner, you can rotate your hips or move them in a steady in-and-out motion to vary the thrusts of the dildo.

• As the receptive partner, you can wrap your legs around your partners hips and rock her dildo into you. You can use her harness to pull her into you more deeply or to control the pace of her thrusts.

• Place the palm of one hand just above your partners pelvic bone and press—you can feel your fingers thrusting against her G-spot.

• Experiment with two-handed fisting. Hold your hands with palms together, and slip one hand in as the other slides out, rubbing your palms together.

• Hold a vibrator against your partners clitoris—or your own.

#  **Positions for Vaginal Penetration**

##  **Kneeling or sitting between your partners legs**

With your partner lying on her back, place yourself between her legs. This position is great for fisting, finger-fucking, or penetration with a handheld dildo.

You can maintain eye contact. You can reach your partners breasts and belly—and she can reach yours. You can reach both vagina and anus. You can bend over and lick your partners clitoris as you penetrate her.

Theres plenty of room for her to hold a vibrator to her clitoris or to touch herself. By raising her legs, she can adjust the angle of entry. For deepest penetration, she can rest her ankles on your shoulders or bend her knees almost to her chest and hook her arms behind her calves.

##  **Missionary**

The missionary position may sound old-fashioned, but its ideal for intimate strap-on sex. With your partner lying on her back, you lie between her legs. This position works well with the thigh harness as well as harnesses that strap around the hips.

You can enjoy long, deep kisses and up-close eye contact. You can grind your pelvises together. The receptive partner can wrap her arms and legs around your shoulders and hips. You can slip a vibrator between your bodies.

This position works well in a sling. Many lesbians sing the praises of the sling. A sling is a type of hanging chair that fully supports your weight, allowing all your muscles to relax. With no muscle tension, many women find they can better enjoy penetrative sex. Slings can be constructed from nylon webbing, canvas, leather, or rubber. They generally hang from eyebolts in a ceiling or wall, or from a freestanding frame.

##  **Receptive partner on top**

Heres a strap-on position in which the receptive partner can most easily control the depth of penetration. The insertive partner can sit on a chair, lie on her back, or recline in a sling while you straddle her, raising and lowering yourself on the  dildo. This is a good position if you cant bear weight on you, or if your partner cant maintain thrusting over time.

Not only do you control the depth, you can also control the speed and movement. You can thrust in slow, circling motions or pump as hard and fast as you like. By squeezing your PC muscles around the dildo, you can grind the base of the dildo into your partners pelvis.

In a chair or sling, you can wrap your arms around each other and enjoy the intimacy of face-to-face contact. With the insertive partner lying on her back, she can stroke your clit or hold a vibrator for you. This position works well with the thigh harness.

##  **Rear entry**

Rear entry is the position often associated with anal sex. Its also great for all kinds of vaginal penetration—finger-fucking, fisting, and penetration with a handheld or strap-on dildo. The receptive partner kneels on hands and knees, with the insertive partner kneeling or standing behind her. This is a good position if either partner cant bear weight on her.

_The picture in my head of me bent over, getting fucked from behind, is where my orgasm comes from._

Rear entry provides for the deepest penetration and most direct G-spot stimulation. This is a good position for those who desire intense, hard thrusting. The insertive partner can hold onto her partners hips as she drives the dildo into her vagina. The receptive partner has freedom of movement—she can rock backward, slamming against her partners dildo or hand.

The receptive partner can easily touch herself. She can also lower herself onto the bed and rub her vulva against the sheets or her hand.

##  **Side by side**

Like the missionary position, lying on a bed side by side is a very intimate way to enjoy penetrative sex. With the receptive partners leg thrown over your hips, you can slip a dildo into her vagina as you wrap your arms around her, enjoying  her kisses and face-to-face closeness. You can enjoy simultaneous finger-fucking in this position. This is a great position for slow, sensuous strap-on sex. This is a good position if either partner cant bear weight on her. Side-by-side sex works well with the thigh harness, as well as harnesses that fit around the hips.

##  **Standing**

Many lesbians entertain the fantasy of pressing a partner up against a wall, lifting her skirt, and slipping fingers deep inside her—or a strap-on, or even a whole hand. Standing sex carries with it a sense of urgency—as if you cant wait long enough to find a bed.

Of course, height is a factor. You have to be well matched to enjoy strap-on sex standing up—unless one of you is much bigger than the other and can pick up her partner. You can make use of a staircase to equalize height, too. This position is useful if the receptive partner cant bear weight.

#  **Toys for Vaginal Play**

When it comes to toys for penetrative sex, lube tops the shopping list. Water-based lube is a _must_ for pleasurable vaginal play—whether you plan to use dildos or your own fingers to penetrate your partner. Combined with gloves, water-based lube will turn your hand into a slick surface. (Use water-based lubes in the vagina; oil-based lubes, such as Crisco, and silicone lubes, such as Eros Bodyglide, dont rinse out of the vagina easily.)

Your basic 8-inch silicone strap-on is only the beginning when it comes to dildo play. The most exciting recent innovation in dildo design is Cyberskin, a remarkably realistic-feeling material.

If you wear a harness with a center strap, you can add a harness cuff to hold a dildo or butt plug—and you can even slip a vibrating dildo or butt plug inside the harness cuff for added stimulation.

Some women like to play with double dildos—you can penetrate your partner _and_ yourself simultaneously. Designs such as Vixen Creations Nexus are angled for easy use.

Handheld dildos are great for G-spot stimulation; some, such as the _S_ -shaped Crystal Wand, are designed for just that purpose. You can find a large variety of battery-operated vibrators designed for penetrative sex. (See chapter 17, Sex Toys and Accoutrements, for more information.)

#  **Vaginal Penetration—Safely**

While penetration with fingers, hands, and dildos is considered very low risk for transmission of HIV, there has been at least on documented case of HIV transmission via shared sex toys. Unprotected penetrative sex can transmit STDs such as herpes, HPV, and chlamydia from woman to woman. Shared dildos can also lead to vaginal infections. Use a condom and clean your dildos with antibacterial soap.

Ungloved hands make finger-fucking and fisting risky. Your fingernails can scratch the lining of your partners vagina, providing a transmission route for bacteria and STDs. Ragged cuticles or small cuts on your hand can provide a transmission route for STDs that may be present in your partners menstrual blood or vaginal secretions.

Herpes, HPV, and bacteria can be transmitted via skin-to-skin contact. If you touch your partners genitals and then touch your own, you can transmit bacteria or a virus. You need not have visible lesions or warts to transmit herpes or HPV, and you need not have visible breaks in the skin to acquire it. You can also transmit bacteria from the anus to the vagina; change gloves or thoroughly wash your hands when changing activities.

**_Safer Vaginal Penetration_**

• Get a manicure. Make sure your nails are smoothly filed.

• Use latex, nitrile, or vinyl gloves.

• Use water-based lube.

• Put on a fresh glove when you switch activities or partners.

• Dont share dildos and vibrators without cleaning between uses.

• Use condoms on your dildos. Always use a fresh condom when switching sexual activities or partners.

• Dont allow bacteria from the anus to enter the vagina.

Even if youre monogamous and dont use latex barriers with your partner, some safer-sex considerations still apply.

First, keep your hands clean. Not just lather-and-rinse clean, but seriously clean. Make sure theres no grime around the nails—if you choose not to wear gloves for sex, perhaps you should consider wearing them for work. Dont touch yourself and then your partner without washing your hands.

Second, get a manicure. Trim your nails as closely as possible, until theres no white showing. Make sure your cuticles are smooth. Remove hangnails. Does that mean that femmes with fabulous nails are prohibited entry? No way! Here are a few precautions: File the nails until smooth, making sure there are no jagged edges or sharp points. Before you slip on that latex glove, grab some cotton balls. Place bits of cotton padding over the sharp ends of your nails—then pull on the latex glove. Voilà! If you dont use gloves, you must be very conscious of the location of your nails. Make sure that only the pads of your fingers make contact with the vaginal walls. Fisting may be easier for you than finger-fucking—you can tuck your nails into your palm.

Finally, dont forget to urinate before and after vaginal penetration. Emptying your bladder before penetrative sex will help make room for a dildo or your partners hand. Peeing after sex can also help prevent urinary tract infections. (See chapter 18, Safer Sex and Gynecological Health, for more information.)

#  **Where to Learn More**

Youll find workshops on strap-on sex, fisting, and other techniques at some sex boutiques. In San Francisco, Karlyn Lotney (aka Fairy Butch) offers classes that cover the basics of strap-on sex. Other dyke sex educators teach ongoing classes in their cities through their local queer center or sex toy store. Most of the sex toy stores listed in the resources section offer workshops on a variety of penetrative techniques, including G-spot play and vaginal fisting.

If you cant find a workshop or class, you can view lesbian, bisexual, and queer women having penetrative sex by renting a lesbian sex video or DVD. The _San Francisco Lesbians_ series features numerous scenes of strap-on sex. (See the resources.) You can also read online advice columns geared toward lesbians, such as "Ask Fairy Butch."

#  **Suggested Web Link**

ASK FAIRY BUTCH

www.fairybutch.com