Input: Write an in-depth chapter on BDSM (Bondage, Dominance, Submission, and Sadomasochism) for a nonfiction book. Discuss the different aspects of BDSM, including bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. Explore the reasons why people engage in BDSM play, such as pushing comfort zones, discovering something about themselves, and experiencing pleasures unattainable by other means. Address common myths and misconceptions about BDSM, and provide tips on negotiating a scene, creating the scene, and using various tools and techniques. Include information on safety, consent, and communication.

Response:
_**chapter fifteen**_

**Play Nice! (…or Else)**

I dont think all sex is about power, but playing with power in sex has taught me a lot about power in the "real" world.

DO YOU FANTASIZE ABOUT binding a partners wrists and ankles to the bedposts? Do you thrill to the notion of being helplessly bound? Perhaps your fantasies feature sensory deprivation—facilitated by blindfolds, hoods, body bags, gags, or elaborate bondage. Your tastes may run to erotic torture, denying and permitting your partners orgasms as you wish ("Ask me nicely." "Please!" "No. Ask me again…."). You may employ sensual implements such as feathers and fur-covered paddles—or wield implements more traditionally associated with "heavy" S/M play, such as whips, crops, and canes. Your body may show permanent markings from cutting or branding.

Sadomasochism, dominance and submission, edge play, power exchange, and sensual magic are all names for a kind of sex play that involves the consensual transfer of power between partners. People use the term _S/M_ to refer to a wide range of sexuality whether or not it really involves sadism or masochism. _BDSM_ is an umbrella term combining bondage, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism.

Not all BDSM play involves pain—some devotees play for years with nary a bruise. Their interests are in dominance and submission, sensory deprivation, and  sensation play. You can be extremely sadistic without laying a hand on your partner. (What could be more sadistic?) And not all BDSM players engage in the role play of dominance and submission; some folks simply enjoy a good, hard whipping.

_**What Is BDSM?**_

**B/D** Bondage and Discipline
**D/S** Dominance and Submission
**S/M** Sadism and Masochism

What all BDSM players have in common, though, is that they use this edgy form of sexuality to push their comfort zone and discover something about themselves. They are investigating an area of human sexuality that may be scary and overwhelming in its intensity, yet can yield pleasures unattainable by other means. Its most certainly taboo.

Why would you choose to play with dominance and submission, sadism and masochism, sensory deprivation, or physical pain in the context of sex? Well, because kinky sex is hot, of course. Many women find that dancing between safety and danger turns them on.

#  **Ouch!!! (Yum…)**

Why would someone like pain? Isnt that sick? Not at all. The human nervous system has the capacity to process a huge range of sensations. Whether those sensations are experienced as pleasure or pain is a subjective matter.

Have you ever discovered "love bites" on your neck the morning after a particularly passionate night of sex—and wondered just when they occurred? You may find that when youre sexually aroused, you thrill to sensations that under other circumstance youd find annoying or intolerable. When youre sufficiently turned on, a twist of the nipple or a bite on the inner thigh may, in fact, heighten your arousal.

The line separating pain and pleasure can get quite thin once your endorphins kick in. Endorphins are hormonelike chemicals released by your brain when the body is under stress or in pain. Runners speak of attaining a state of bliss when they push themselves beyond their perceived limits. You can get an  endorphin high at the gym, during sex, or while energetically wielding a flogger in a long S/M scene. And you can get an endorphin high while experiencing pain.

Like opiates, endorphins dont make the pain go away, but they make you feel awfully good while its happening. Under the right circumstances, you may be able to ride wave after wave of pain, breathing into the sensations as they radiate through your body. In fact, you may astonish yourself by requesting another and another and another….

 _Theres an eroticism to a rhythmic beating. The repetitive thud of a whip can translate directly into clitoral pulses…._

What are the right circumstances for getting blissed-out on pain? Naturally, response to pain will vary from person to person. Here are some common ways to manipulate pain in BDSM play:

• _Warm up._ A gentle warm-up will help make your scene last. Begin your whipping—or spanking or paddling—with very light strokes, continuing until your partners buttocks or shoulders show a nice warm glow. A sensual whipping—in which no single stroke of the lash exceeds your partners perceived pain threshold—will leave her ready for something more intense.

• _Pacing._ Let your partner recover from one sensation before going on to the next. Intermittent hard beating, mixing sensual strokes with sharper strokes, will also help her take more pain and stretch her limits (if she so desires). After a painful blow, place the palm of your hand at the point of contact. Soothe the rising welt or mark with the warmth of your body.

• _Breathing._ As the receptive partner, breathe _into_ the sensations; dont hold your breath or tense your muscles _against_ the pain. Ride with it.

• _Sensation._ Some women prefer thud to sting—or vice versa. Different toys produce different sensations. Generally, the thinner the toy, the more stinging its sensations. So a wide paddle or heavy flogger will produce a "thuddier" sensation than a thin rod or single-tailed whip. Some women who love the deep pounding of a heavy whip seem to be able to take it forever; others prefer the discrete, searing lines of pain laid down by an expert caning.

• _Erotic context._ Many women find they can take more pain when the context is eroticized. You may find that a finger slowly stroking your clitoris will more than ameliorate the pain of that strap on your butt.

• _Discipline and reward._ In some scenes, pain is a reward for a good deed; in others, its delivered as punishment for a mistake, real or imagined.

• _Submission._ Some women may find they can eroticize pain in the context of a dominance and submission scene. Simply put, they wish to please their top, and if the top enjoys administering a good beating, they aim to take it.

• _Masochism._ Finally, a masochist craves pain in the context of an S/M scene. Even when pain isnt accompanied by erotic touching, and regardless of whether she gives a hoot about pleasing her top or whether the pain is being administered as punishment or reward, she may simply desire pains sensations.

#  **Negotiation**

_As a top, I like to ask the bottom to pick the toys she likes best, plus one she would hate to feel. I love the physical act of flogging, the swing and rhythm of both bodies giving and receiving. Paddling as well, if only to have a woman on her knees or over my lap. I would have to say orgasm denial is my all-time favorite activity. The rewards are lovely._

Negotiating an S/M scene involves exploring each partners desires, needs, limits, and safety concerns to find a common ground from which to proceed. The keys to negotiation are honesty and mutual respect.

Negotiation is _not_ about persuasion. Negotiation is an art all its own. You can negotiate a specific scene or an entire relationship. You can negotiate at a café over coffee, over the phone, or via email. You can even stop a scene to renegotiate a particular aspect of play. Longstanding partners may negotiate a scene in five minutes, while new partners may spend weeks discussing the details of a proposed scene. In fact, the anticipation may be half the fun.

**_Ten Benefits of BDSM Play_**

1\. Kink is hot! Many women enjoy intense orgasms after a prolonged session of S/M play.

2\. You can dance between pleasure and pain and enjoy an endorphin high.

3\. You can let go of control—or take control. Few of us have safe or consensual opportunities in the daily grind to give up or take control.

4\. You can play with dynamics that wouldnt be safe or even desirable in "real" life.You wouldnt really want to rape your girlfriend or be humiliated by your closest friends—yet playing with these may turn you on like nothing else.

5\. You can take risks. For the thrill seeker, an S/M scene is like a three-hour roller coaster ride. Sure, youre strapped in, but nevertheless you are hurtling toward the earth in an open car! Youll not lack for thrills when you find yourself tied to a post in a basement dungeon as a hooded woman approaches wielding a long, thin whip….

6\. You can surrender your fears and revel in that shadow side of yourself youve done so well to keep hidden. "I never knew I could be so mean." "I didnt know I would feel so, well, serene on my hands and knees polishing a pair of boots."

7\. You can strip away the armor of daily life."Pain and humiliation move me to a raw place where I can access my genuine self, without fear or hesitation," wrote one woman.

8\. You can experience healing and catharsis in letting go and trusting yourself (and your partner) at such a core level.

9\. You can experience heightened intimacy with your partner as you embark on an erotic adventure together.

10\. You may discover a spiritual component in the transcendence of everyday concerns, the quest for self-transformation, and the ritual of an S/M scene.

Many women say they learned more about healthy boundaries from S/M negotiation than from any support group or self-help book. Negotiating an S/M scene puts in stark relief the kind of self-denial that often masquerades as "politeness." To negotiate an S/M scene, you must know what you want and be willing to name it. Youre expected to state your desires in detail and without justification, and to say no to anything you dont want—no explanation necessary. Youre expected to take care of your wants and needs and let your partner take care of hers.

For many women, the open communication required in scene negotiation is a relief from the unspoken demands and contracts that can creep into many  relationships ("If I do _X_ for you, youll do _Y_ for me"). As one woman wrote, "I prefer to have my power exchange up front and out on the table."

So how _do_ you negotiate a scene? Scene negotiation is best conducted between equals (that is, not in top/bottom roles) and outside of a sexual context. Everyone has a favorite method. You can pull out your Erotic Play list from chapter 2, Desire and Fantasy, and mark each item "yes," "no," or "maybe." Your choices can be good for a day, for a month, or for one particular scene with one particular partner. You can begin by asking yourself (and your partner) a few basic questions:

What type of scene are you interested in? Do you fantasize elaborate role play with costumes and props— _Mutiny on the Bounty?_ Or perhaps genteel torture in a Victorian boarding-school scene? Would you like to be tied to a whipping post and flogged in front of six of your friends?

What are your essential ingredients for a hot scene? Is bondage essential? An exquisite collection of S/M toys? What about orgasm? A woman who plays as a submissive bottom wrote, "I want to be fully recognized. I want to give myself up to someone else for the pure pleasure of having her be completely attentive to and conscious of me."

What are your limits? Will you take a paddle? A cane? What about blood play? Is it OK to leave bruises? "I get off on seeing the marks Ive left," wrote one woman. "Im impressed by the bodys reactions, the redness, swelling, and bruising. I like to admire my work the next day."

What are the things you might like to try? "I fantasize about sensory deprivation, being blindfolded, gagged, and having my hands immobilized in thick rubber mitts," wrote another.

Would you like to try play piercing? Over-the-knee spanking? Behaving like a brat?

What are the things you _dont_ want to try? No breaking the skin? No humiliation play? No resistance? No anal penetration?

Whats your safeword? (Remember: Tops need safewords, too.)

(See chapter 7, Communication and Finding Sex Partners, for more on communication skills.)

#  **Creating the S/M Scene: Ritual and Theater**

Much like a theatrical performance, an S/M scene has characters, a setting, and a beginning, middle, and end. (If you like, you can think of an S/M scene as having much the same framework as a classic three-act play.)

And, like a ritual or spiritual practice, an S/M scene may evoke meaning thats larger than the moment. Shining your Masters boots in the context of a dominance/submission scene will have a far greater meaning than polishing your wingtips alone at home.

What kind of scene do you wish to create? Will your scene involve pain and sensation play? Role play and costumes? Service? Resistance? Submission?

**Illustration 16. Over-the-Knee Spanking**

Who will be the participants? Generally, the top directs the action in the scene and the bottom receives the tops attentions or does the tops wishes. (I say "generally" because you can negotiate these roles to mean anything you wish.) While some women exclusively identify as a top or a bottom, most identify as "switches," alternating between roles. Do you want to be the top? Or the bottom?

What kind of top do you want to be? A slave Master or the Daddy of a disobedient child? Do you wish to inflict pain? Do you want to be obeyed? Worshipped? Resisted? Do you want to "force" yourself on your partner sexually? Do you want to embarrass or humiliate your partner? Do you want to dominate her?

What kind of bottom do you want to be? Do you want to be a slave or a pet? A brat? Do you wish to be controlled? Disciplined? Trained? Punished?

Where will your scene take place? In your bedroom? At a play party? How will your scene start? Many BDSM players use a ritual item, such as a locked collar, as a device for signaling the beginning and end of a scene. At the start of the scene, the collar goes on; at the end of the scene, out comes the key, the lock is snapped open, and the collar goes back in the toy chest.

#  **Pushing the Emotional Edges**

Many women opt for play that intentionally pushes their buttons—their psychological buttons, that is. An assault survivor may negotiate a rape scene—as either the victim or the rapist. A survivor of childhood sexual abuse may engage in Daddy/girl or Mommy/boy role play—as either the parent or the child. A woman who struggles with sexual shame may negotiate a scene in which shes "forced" to perform sexually in front of a group of strangers (who, of course, have consented to witness her "humiliation").

I like the loss of control. I like being in my tops hands and, in theory at least, not being able to get away.

_Thank God this is anonymous. Ive never admitted this to anyone, so please protect my privacy. Yes, I fantasize about rape with me being the "victim." This is difficult to express because Ive always been such a strong advocate for womens rights. Im strongly antiviolence and have been in a domestic abuse situation, so I have a difficult time making sense out of my rape fantasy…._

Why would anyone want to do such a thing as enact a rape scenario? Well, often things that make us uncomfortable also arouse us sexually—at times, it seems that the erotic charge is in direct proportion to the degree of unease we feel. Things that make us feel intense shame or anger can also evoke great sexual heat. Playing with emotional hot buttons is, well, hot.

_I love being taken care of by my Daddy. I have a whole bunch of fantasies where Im a little girl and am made to please Daddy._

Subjects that we keep under wraps—such as taboo fantasies and imagined complicities—may ignite an especially potent erotic charge. Do you feel guilty about having rape fantasies? Do you feel that your erotic response to your abuse history means you secretly wanted it? Not so! Sex is sex, and abuse is abuse. Sex is consensual, and abuse is not. If youre ever confused about this, compare a negotiated sexual encounter with an incident of abuse. The differences will be quite apparent. See "S/M Is Not Abuse (Abuse Is Not S/M)," below, for clarity.

In fact, the more you practice negotiation—whether for an S/M scene, a sexual encounter, or a trip to the Grand Canyon with your lover and her two kids—the more easily youll recognize the difference between the negotiated consensuality of a mutually respectful relationship and the nonnegotiated manipulation and coercion of abuse. Still confused? Try concocting a (non)erotic (non)play list of your abuse history. List everything that happened between you and your abuser. Now, write "yes" next to every item you desired and _explicitly negotiated to achieve._ What? Not writing yet? Of course not! Abuse has nothing in common with consensual sex.

Some women consciously choose to play with the dynamics of abandonment and abuse because they want to understand themselves. Hardly a substitute for a  good therapist, yet an S/M partner can help you facilitate a scene in which you get a good look at yourself. What about that traumatic experience is yet unresolved? Where do you feel shame? Where do you feel pride?

You can even turn the story around. S/M can be a tool in healing. As Patrick Califia writes, "As a top, I find the old wounds and unappeased hunger. I nourish. I cleanse and close the wounds. I devise and mete out appropriate punishments for old, irrational sins. I trip up the bottom, I see her as she is, and I forgive her and turn her on and make her come, despite her feelings of unworthiness or self-hatred or fear…. A good scene doesnt end with orgasm—it ends with catharsis." 1

_My girlfriend surprised me by planning a scene to fulfill my rape fantasy. It was a powerful experience because the concept of rape was twisted and turned into sexual play between two women who trust and care about each other. Being a rape survivor, I thought our rape scene might bring up some old issues, but it actually didnt at all. The scene was totally about us—my girlfriend and me._

**_S/M Is Not Abuse (Abuse Is Not S/M)_**

S/M play is consensual.| Abuse is not consensual.
---|---
S/M is negotiated ahead of time.| Abuse is not negotiated.
S/M has responsible limits and safety rules.| Abuse has no rules or limits and there are no safewords.
S/M is fun, erotic, and loving.| Abuse is manipulative, selfish, and hurtful.
S/M play is enjoyed by both partners.| Abuse victims do not enjoy abuse.
S/M play can be stopped by either partner at any time.| Abuse cant be stopped by the victim/survivor.
S/M players exchange power in agreed-upon roles with negotiated boundaries.| Abusers force control using nonconsensual manipulation and violence.
S/M creates a bond of trust.| Abuse destroys trust.

#  **Teach Yourself Some New Tricks**

A how-to guide to BDSM could fill volumes. (See the bibliography in chapter 19.) Here are some favorite techniques, tools, and tricks:

##  **Bondage**

Many novice tops discover the pleasure of restraint by tying a partner to the bedpost with their favorite silk scarf. Scarves, twine, and other thin ropes are handy—you probably have some around the house. But theyre not the best choice for bondage gear. The knot in that silk scarf will get tighter and tighter with stress and may prove impossible to undo in a hurry. Thin rope or string can cut into the skin like a garrote. Even if the string doesnt pierce the skin, it can cut off the circulation or cause nerve damage.

Thick rope not only is safer, but its sensual and easy to manipulate. Choose rope thats a minimum of ¼ inch thick. A rope thats ½ inch thick will be even more sensuous. Be generous. Get a good long piece—25 to 50 feet. Youll find ropes in a variety of colors, thicknesses, and materials on spools at the hardware store. Good rope isnt cheap—prepare to pay at least 50 cents a foot for high-quality rope.

For those of us whose homes arent equipped with a St. Andrews cross—the larger-than-life wooden _X_ that serves as the centerpiece of most dungeons—an ordinary chair will provide a fine bondage station. Seat your partner in the chair with her feet firmly planted on the floor. Begin by winding rope around her waist, binding her to the chair. If her arms are at her sides, you can include them in the bundle for a mummy effect. You can leave her breasts free by circling them in a figure eight as you wrap her torso. If her hands are placed in front of her, palms together, you can wind rope between and around her wrists in a figure eight. And if the back of the chair is low enough, you can bind her hands behind her back; make sure her shoulder joints arent stressed. Wind rope around each leg, binding it to a leg of the chair.

If you double the rope, you can wind the doubled strand around and around, and then pull the ends through the loop in the middle. You can tie off the job with any easy-to-undo knot; if the knot is out of reach of your partners hands,  shell be pretty secure. Illustration 17 (below) shows an alternative arrangement. Seated rope bondage offers numerous possibilities—use your imagination.

Since your partner is seated, and her wrists and ankles arent stressed, too tightly bound, or held in a difficult position, she can stay in this type of bondage comfortably for quite a while.

In some scenes, your goal may be to put the bottom in bondage that allows no movement, leaving her completely at your mercy. In other scenes, the point is to allow the bottom the feel of the ropes themselves. The sensuality of being bound can give her a feeling of being held, much like a corset. As you wind the rope around your partners torso, tell her that the rope is an extension of you, that its your desire thats holding her in place. That feeling of being held by her top can provide your partner a delicious feeling of security. Thus bound, she can "let go."

**Illustration 17. Seated Rope Bondage**

You can even use plastic wrap—rolls and rolls of colored wrap youll find in the supermarket—to bind your partner to a post, a chair, or a cross. You can wrap her entire torso, save for her pubic area—which you can then attend to with sublime torture. Keep the plastic wrap away from her nose and mouth. To avoid heat prostration, remove the wrappings after 30 minutes or so—depending, of course, on the temperature of the room. On a very hot day, youd do best to skip the plastic wrap entirely.

Conversely, the most challenging form of bondage for most bottoms is the bondage of will—no bindings, no rope, no lock and key. Simple obedience to a tops command—"Stand there and dont move!"—will stretch her capacity for submission. Its especially difficult to take a whipping or caning when held in place only by ones own desire to submit.

##  **Restraints**

Wrist and ankle restraints are often the first bondage gear we buy outside of a hardware store. You can buy fairly inexpensive wrist restraints made of cloth webbing and Velcro, or you can go upscale with beautifully crafted leather restraints. Whats important is that the material be wide enough to avoid stress on the joints and that the restraints fit snugly and close securely—many are designed for use with padlocks. They all feature a ring through which you can loop rope or attach a chain. Many women prefer handcuffs—which evoke fantasies of law enforcement officers capturing escaped prisoners. If youre going to use handcuffs, buy a quality pair designed with a safety stop to lock them in at a comfortable point. Cheaper handcuffs tend to get tighter and tighter with stress. Dont lose the key!

A few basic rules for wrist and angle restraint: If restraints are too tight, blood circulation will be restricted. Check your partners fingers and feet for numbness. Dont keep her hands above her head for longer than 30 minutes—she could faint. Dont allow your partners weight to place stress on joints—wrist and angle restraints arent suitable for suspension bondage.

##  **Sensory Deprivation**

Depriving someone of her senses creates mystery. With her eyes covered by a blindfold, your partner will listen to every creak and rustle to figure out where you are and what youre doing. Since she doesnt know whether youre picking out a soft deerskin flogger or a stinging cane, she cant anticipate the sensation—which will be more intense for being such a surprise. (Keep that in mind as you get ready to whack her with that toy—a little will go a long way with a blindfolded partner.)

A gag will disable your partners ability to communicate with words or even sound. Not being able to speak may make her feel especially helpless. Remember, of course, that in negotiating use of a gag, you must arrange a visual safeword. Will your partner be able to snap her fingers? Hold up one thumb? You must also make sure that the device you use as a gag will permit your partner to breathe easily and to swallow saliva without choking.

A hood combines the effects of a blindfold with a sense of being enveloped. A spandex body bag will extend that feeling to the entire body. Some women find the experience of wearing a hood and body bag very securing and even transcendent—alone in the dark with only your own internal awareness, your experience of yourself is greatly heightened. Yet some people find hoods and body bags terrifying. If you use one, make sure the hood is well ventilated. Again, dont forget to arrange for an appropriate method of communicating a safeword.

You can make a hood from cut-up pantyhose. Tie a scarf or blindfold around your partners eyes and then slip the thigh of the pantyhose over her head. Double it over to make it thicker. You can cut a breathing hole.

##  **Spanking**

Often the first kind of erotic beating many women try is a good (or "bad") spanking. Spanking can be very erotic because the hand comes in direct contact with the buttocks. The heat and force of the hand send ripples of sensation throughout the pelvic area. With the bottoms pelvis firmly planted on the tops lap, the clitoris can grind against the knee with each downward stroke of the hand.

A spanking can feel very sensual, with gentle pats and caresses, or punishing, with hard-pounding strikes of the palm against flesh. A spanking can leave very personal marks—the outline of a hand on a loved ones ass.

Many women have strong emotional associations with spanking, as they may have been spanked as a child—many women have similarly strong associations with face slapping. "There is something very personal about being hit with an open hand," wrote one woman. "It accentuates the power dynamic."

##  **Paddling**

A paddle is an easy tool to wield for a novice top. Paddles are easy to find and require less skill than other implements. You can buy fur-covered paddles, or paddles with fur on one side and leather on the other. You can find a hard wooden paddle, like the ones fraternity members use. You can even use a Ping-Pong paddle. Strike only the fleshy parts of the buttocks and upper thighs. Dont strike bone or joints. Find the "sweet" spot of the ass—that place where the upper thighs meet the buttocks.

##  **Caning**

Canes are thin rods made of rattan, plastic, or fiberglass. Many people are utterly terrified of canes—and with good reason. Canes can produce a menacing amount of pain and leave welts. A formal British caning lays "six of the best" in a mean row along the thighs and buttocks. The red lines sting in a particularly nasty way. Good caning skill takes practice. Yet because canes are so scary, theyre effective in producing an emotional reaction as well as a physical one. Many bottoms who at first reluctantly bend over for the cane eventually admit that they love getting caned.

##  **Whipping**

Whips are sensuous and beautiful—and require a degree of skill. Whips are harder to control than your hand, a paddle, or a cane. There are many different kinds of whips, such as floggers, cat-o-nine-tails, quirts, and signal whips, to name a few.

Floggers are multitailed whips. A flogger can be constructed from a variety of materials, including deerskin, cowhide, bull hide, elk and buffalo skin—or even  heavy rubber. A flogging can be sensual and subtle or pounding, and a good, hard flogging can feel like deep-tissue massage. Cat-o-nine-tails are just what they sound like—floggers made of nine braided strands. They have the weight of a flogger, but the individual braided strands can do more damage than the individual strands of a flogger. Single-tailed whips, like 4-foot signal whips used to drive working dogs, require considerable skill to use safely.

Janette Heartwood, a well-respected whipmaker, has identified three aspects of whipping: accuracy, intensity, and connection.2 Accuracy and intensity, she says, are "manual skills" that you can develop by practicing on inanimate objects, such as a pillow, a stuffed animal, or a padded leather bar stool.

**Illustration 18. Whipping**

_Accuracy_ is the ability to control a whip so that when the tails fly through the air, the tips land where youve chosen. "A whip should be visualized as an extension of your arm," she says. Floggers and cat-o-nine-tails will wrap around the hip if youre not careful in your aim. Since the ends of the whip are moving at a higher rate of speed than the midsection, your worst damage will be done where you least want it—the hip bone and the soft flesh of the lower belly. Practice with a pillow until youre sure that you can aim the ends of the whip in exactly the spot you have selected—for instance, the upper back or the fleshiest part of the buttocks.

Do not whip joints. Do not whip areas of the body where bones lack the protection of fleshy padding—such as the tailbone, spine, and ribs. Do not whip the abdomen or kidneys. Keep the tails of the whip away from the face. You can whip the breasts and vulva _lightly_.

Heartwood defines _intensity_ is the "severity" of sensation and the "cadence" with which its delivered.

How much of the flogger makes contact with the flesh will determine how thuddy or stingy the sensation is. If you get really good, you can send the ends of the whip whizzing by so that they barely brush the skin. This will result in a very stingy sensation. A dead-on whump of the heaviest part of the flogger will result in a heavy, thuddy sensation that many women find really satisfying, like a good, hard deep-muscle massage.

_Connection,_ says Heartwood, is the "ethereal" aspect of the scene that draws on the tops "empathy, centeredness, and creativity." Connection is the ability to deliver a whipping that fulfills the needs of both the top and the bottom.

After a good, hard whipping, you can send your partner into orbit by lightly running your fingernails along her skin. The contrast can send her into fits of giggles as she begs you to stop. ("Stop! Dont stop! _Stop!_ ")

You can economize in many areas of your toy chest, but if youre going to invest in a whip, select one from a whipmaker whose creations are respected among experienced S/M players. See the resources for suggestions.

**_Hanky Code_**

Do you flag left or right? A hanky worn in the left rear pocket identifies you as a top; a hanky worn in the right rear pocket identifies you as a bottom. Hanky codes have a long history in the gay mens community; like slang, the hanky code has evolved from generation to generation and from community to community. When it comes to sex, most hanky codes assume the top is the insertive partner and the bottom is the receptive one—but, of course, thats a matter of negotiation.

**Worn on the Left** | **Color** | **Worn on the Right**
---|---|---
Heavy S/M top| Black| Heavy S/M bottom
Latex fetish top| Charcoal| Latex fetish bottom
Bondage top| Gray| Bondage bottom
Anal sex top| Dark blue| Anal sex bottom
Oral sex top| Light blue| Oral sex bottom
Light S/M top| Robins-egg blue| Light S/M bottom
Seeks menstruating partners| Maroon| Menstruating
Fist-fucking top| Red| Fist-fucking bottom
Shaving top| Red/white stripe| Shaving bottom
Tit torture top| Dark pink| Tit torture bottom
Strap-on top| Light pink| Strap-on bottom
"Anything goes" top| Orange| "Anything goes" bottom
Golden showers top| Yellow| Golden showers bottom
Piercing top| Purple| Piercing bottom
Likes drag queens| Lavender| Drag queen
Daddy| Hunter green| Seeks a Daddy
Uniform top| Olive drab| Uniform bottom
Spanking top| Fuchsia| Spanking bottom
Scat top| Brown| Scat bottom
Rimming top| Beige| Rimming bottom
Seeks novices| White| Novice
Victorian scene top| White lace| Victorian scene bottom
Voyeur| White velvet| Exhibitionist

##  **Clamps**

You restrict blood flow when you use clamps. They hurt when they go on, and hurt more when they come off, as the blood rushes back into the area that was constricted. You can experiment on yourself. Try attaching clothespins or small clips to the inside of your arm, sides of your breasts, or nipples.

**Illustration 19. Tit Play with Needles and Clamps**

You can purchase several different types of nipple clamps (which can double as labia clamps): tweezer-style clamps, rubber covered alligator clamps (see Illustration 19), and Japanese clover-shaped clamps that get tighter when pulled. Clamps come in pairs linked by a thin chain. You can hang 1-ounce weights from the chain. Dont keep clamps on for more than 20 to 30 minutes, since restricting blood flow can damage tissue and nerves.

A zipper is an extremely nasty (or nice) toy made by stringing together ordinary wooden clothespins. Slide a piece of string through the metal hole in the center of the clothespin and tie knots on either side so that the clothespin cant slide along the string. Repeat at 2-inch intervals until you have a dozen clothespins evenly spaced on the string. Attach the zipper by applying each clothespin to your partners upper arms, thighs, or torso, and leave them on for about ten minutes. Then yank the string to "pull the zipper." Yowza.

##  **Sensation Play**

You can manipulate sensation in all sorts of clever ways. Two popular methods are to play with texture (feathers and fur mitts alternating with fingernails or neuro wheels) and temperature (Tiger Balm or hot wax alternating with ice cubes).

Common household candles are fine for wax play—in fact, theyre preferred over beeswax, which melts at a much higher temperature. With your partner lying on her back, hold a lit candle several feet above her torso. Tilt the candle so that the hot wax drips down on her chest one drop at a time. The wax will sear as it meets her skin. The burning sensation will fade to a pleasant glow after a moment. You can intensify the sensation by holding the candle closer to her body.

What goes on must come off. You have to get all that melted wax off her skin, which can itself be fun. You can carefully pick individual bits of wax off her skin with the tip of a knife. The sensation of the knife barely scratching her skin as the pieces of wax are peeled away can be very intense on her already sensitive flesh.

Keep hot wax away from the face and genitals, and keep flames away from bedsheets.

##  **Play Piercings**

Many women are devoted to blood play, which may include temporary piercing with sterile needles and knife play with or without breaking the skin. Any opening of the skin opens a channel to the emotions as well. Its important to respect the potential for vulnerability in blood play, as well as to respect the need for sterile procedures. _These are advanced S/M techniques. Do not attempt play piercings or cuttings without instruction from an experienced player._

Many women enjoy the intensity and intimacy of temporary piercings. In play piercing, sterile hypodermic needles (ranging from 25 gauge to 16 gauge) are inserted under a layer of skin so thin that you may be able to see the needle through the skins surface. (Never poke a needle into the flesh; slide it gently under the topmost layer of skin.)

You can pierce any fleshy area of the body, such as the breasts, chest, or upper arms. Unless youre a very experienced piercer, avoid areas dense with nerves, such as the face. In addition to sterile needles, youll need latex gloves, alcohol wipes, and a proper container for disposing of used sharps.

Remember that any time the skin is opened, theres a possibility of infection. Clean the area with alcohol and wear gloves. Be careful not to stick yourself with a used needle. Dont reuse needles. Dispose of needles properly.

Youll find more information on play piercing in the Web link below. Do _not_ attempt blood play without proper instruction.

##  **"Home Despot"**

You can create a dungeon at home with a little ingenuity—plus a trip to your local hardware store. (Youll never look at the store the same way again—and the folks in the logo aprons probably wont look at you the same either.)

You can attach eyebolts to the ceiling, the frame of a doorway, or other solid surface. Make sure you find a stud or crossbeam; the bolt will tear through plaster or Sheetrock the first time you play with a feisty bottom. You can attach lengths of chain to the eyebolts using panic snaps, and then secure the chain to wrist and ankle restraints. Panic snaps are clips designed to release easily—even with a person weighing them down. Youll find spools of chain of all gauges and  colors at a good hardware store. Examine the links carefully; avoid chain that has sharp points where the links close. Generally, a heavier chain will be safer to use (it cant cut into a partners skin), has smoother links, and will produce a much scarier effect. (Try blindfolding your partner before you attach her to the chains; let her listen to the chain clanking.)

While youre browsing for chain and eyebolts, check out the displays of rope, shackles, clips, clothespins, kitchen utensils, candles, and first aid and safety supplies.

You can buy or make a sling, which you can hang from hooks in the ceiling or from a frame. See the resources chapter for vendors of S/M gear.

Make sure the room you intend to use as your dungeon has adequate lighting and is clean—particularly if you plan to engage in play piercing. You can install soundproofing insulation if youre worried about neighbors—or invest in a gag.

#  **How Do You Know What You Want?**

"Mostly, what I want to know is how do you know what you would like if youve never done it?" wrote one woman who expressed a fascination with BDSM—but had little actual experience. "How do you know whether to ask for a fiberglass cane, say, or a riding crop? Obviously, my perverted bottom child-self has had many fantasies about being hit—but I dont know that I pictured precisely with what. So, does one just say, Ill let you know if I dont like it?"

Faced with an endless list of possibilities, how do you know what youll like? Or what you even want to try? Here are some suggestions:

• _Begin with fantasy._ What produces the most heat for you? What do you imagine when you close your eyes? "I fantasize having my hands bound—not so that I will be hurt, but so that I cant touch my lover. I love feeling desired and knowing that everything she does, she does completely of her own free will."

• _Experiment with sensations on yourself._ From wooden spoons to clothespins, youve probably got an arsenal of implements of torture in your home.

• _Go shopping._ You can visit a leather S/M store and handle the toys. Which ones feel good in your hands? Or turn you on right there in the aisle? You can  shop online as well. While you wont get a tactile sense of the potential of various toys, youll get some impressive visuals. Some websites selling S/M gear show beautifully designed whips, crops, hoods, and other bondage devices.

• _Experiment with a friend_ —outside of any scene or sexual context. Take turns paddling each other with that wooden spoon or swinging a belt against bare flesh.

• _Negotiate a scene._ Many experienced tops enjoy playing with novice bottoms. Why? It makes S/M new for them, too. Tops who play with novice bottoms have all sorts of tricks for helping their partners discover what works best for them. One popular method is to "calibrate" the bottom to each type of sensation. The top asks the bottom to assign each sensation a value on a 1-to-10 scale, with 1 being hardly perceptible and 10 being unbearable to the point of calling a safeword. The top then treats the bottom to a feast of sensations, from the lightest caress of a soft deerskin flogger to the most unforgiving whack of a wooden paddle. In this way, the bottom can discover what she likes in a very safe context. The top can discover how the bottom responds to the tops particular style and decide whether she might want to explore further play.

"But wont it be embarrassing to say my safeword? Wont I look like a wuss if I cant take it?" Not at all! Taking a lot of pain doesnt make you a better bottom, nor does being able to push a partner to scarier edges make you a better top. Experienced players use their safewords all the time. Your ability to say your safeword as needed is what makes you a good bottom and a safe player. Likewise, a tops ability to respond to your safeword is what makes her a safe partner.

"But I want to be a top. Isnt a novice top a little, well, unconvincing?" Hardly! What makes you want to exert control over another person? When did you discover your desire to inflict pain? That urge to dominate is real; dont doubt yourself. Many novice tops play with novice bottoms, discovering together their likes and dislikes. Others play with experienced players who are willing to teach from the bottom, so to speak. You may wish to enter into a mentoring relationship with an experienced top. (See the resources section to find a BDSM-oriented email discussion list or a local S/M organization.)

**_A Novices Story_**

My friend had just ended her relationship with her girlfriend, who was the only top shed ever played with. Shed never participated in her local S/M community. Shed never played with anyone other than her ex-girlfriend and she was at a loss as to where to find partners.

So, she attended a workshop on negotiation at a local erotic boutique taught by a well-known BDSM professional. Emboldened by her new negotiation skills, she approached the teacher after the workshop and asked her if she ever worked with women clients. The Mistress was more than pleased by the idea of working with a woman client and offered my friend a reduced fee.

The Mistress offered a sliding scale of from $150 to $250—fees would be considerably higher now—for a two-to-three-hour scene, plus a 45-minute phone conversation in which they negotiated the scene. (A session with a professional dominatrix is not prostitution—since it does not involve the exchange of sex for money. "Sex" is usually defined as involving some form of direct genital contact.)

The day after the session, my friend was dancing in her seat at the café where we met for coffee. Her eyes sparkled with excitement and her face glowed. Soon after we sat down, she asked if I wanted to see the marks from her play piercing, and before I could say _Story of O_ she had pulled down the neckline of her jersey to reveal the two little red dots where the needle had entered and then exited her chest.

My friend was three times a virgin: She had never been naked in front of a stranger (in an erotic context), she had never negotiated a "real" scene, and she had never paid for an erotic encounter.

As I admired her marks, she chattered on, telling me of the Mistresss private dungeon, the whole wall just of multicolored and textured whips, and the rack to which she had been bound. Images and snippets of memory came tumbling out—the Mistress commanding her to select one whip she would like and one that frightened her;the elaborate rope bondage embracing her thighs, arms, and torso; the mixture of devotion and arousal the Mistress stirred in her; the tears that came finally as she released the grief over the loss of her lover/top. "At some point during the whipping, she let me suck her hand—and I was gone."

#  **Toys for BDSM Play**


Input: Write a section on BDSM safety for a nonfiction book. Discuss the risks associated with BDSM play, including physical and emotional harm. Emphasize the importance of safety, consent, and communication in BDSM play. Provide tips on how to ensure safety, such as using safewords, being aware of the body's limits, and avoiding certain areas of the body. Mention the importance of aftercare and community accountability. Suggest resources for learning more about BDSM safety, such as workshops, classes, and educational events.

Response:
In your BDSM play you can use toys ranging from homemade and appropriated items (see "Home Despot," above) to beautifully handcrafted leather and wooden implements. You can choose from whips, canes, crops, bondage furniture, hoods, restraints, and many, many other items. Its not unusual for a well-equipped dungeon to boast thousands of dollars worth of toys and other devices.

So how can an ordinary girl play on a budget? For starters, check the resources for mail-order companies that offer inexpensive BDSM toys. Then, make some choices. Which toys must you have in your collection? Which can you improvise? Or borrow before you buy?

Canes and riding crops are relatively inexpensive. Impact toys like paddles and straps can be easily improvised with common household items. Of course, if youre talented, you can learn to make your own toys.

#  **That Sounds Dangerous!**

Yes, there _is_ danger in S/M play. You cant restrict movement or stress the body without some risk. And if you also administer punishment, make demands for extreme levels of obedience and patience, concoct humiliating or embarrassing scenarios, or otherwise toy with a persons emotional resilience, youre playing the edge indeed.

Good players are safety conscious. They stand by the motto "Safe, sane, consensual." Safety is supported by the use of safewords to stop play when necessary; sanity by the practice of playing when emotionally present (and not playing when inebriated or high); and consent by the practice of negotiation.

Any S/M top worth her leathers can tell you how to restrain your partner without restricting blood flow or causing nerve damage; precisely where on the human body you can and cant safely aim your whip or paddle; and what emergency items to pack in your toy bag.

That same top can also tell you about emotional care—the importance of showering your partner with praise and tenderness, supporting her desires, nurturing her abilities, and respecting her limits.

Any experienced bottom can rattle off the key items on her Yes/No/Maybe list—and tell you under exactly what circumstances she will use her safeword.

Yet S/M is not without risks. Physical accidents, unintended emotional harm, and the residue of intense vulnerability can leave either partner hurting. S/M players are dedicated to the play in spite of the risks.

#  **BDSM Play—Safely**

A guide to BDSM safety could fill the pages of this entire chapter. The bottom line is this: Do not pretend to expertise you do not have. _If you dont know how, dont do it!_

Here are some safety pointers:

• Make sure all your devices work and are of good enough quality to be safe.

• Never leave a person in bondage unattended.

• Watch for tingling in hands and feet or stress on joints.

• Use panic snaps so that you can release your partner quickly; release the feet before the arms so that she doesnt fall over. Keep bandage scissors on hand to cut through rope. Keep keys to handcuffs, restraints, and collars in your pocket.

• Do not whip bones or joints—see "Whipping," above.

• Never play when under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Certainly, dont take any medication that dulls the senses.

• Provide for your partners aftercare. Make sure juice or a high-protein snack is available. After an intense scene, the bottom may be shaky. Make sure shes kept warm. Dont leave her unattended.

• Create safety by playing at a party before playing privately. Dungeon monitors and other experienced players can help you learn how to do things safely.

Community adds yet another level of safety to S/M play. In a community, were all accountable. BDSM players are known to their peers. You can find out if the people you admire consider that potential partner a safe, responsible player— _before_ shes got you trussed up to her bedposts.

#  **Where to Learn More**

S/M and leather communities have a long tradition of mentoring novices. Many experienced S/M players love to pass on their knowledge. BDSM organizations, such as those listed in the resources, are great places to learn how to use a flogger, what you can do with hot wax, or the finer points of negotiation. You can  watch demos of activities you may not even want to try—yet. Often workshops and educational events are open to nonmembers.

A number of BDSM professionals—educators, coaches, dominatrixes—offer workshops, classes, and private sessions. Some specialize in working with couples. While a session with a pro dom certainly can be erotically inspiring, it is not prostitution, which is defined as sex-for-pay. (Sex is defined as direct genital contact—news to sensualists and practitioners of erotic breathwork techniques.)

Fire Horse Productions, an educational project of "fetish diva" Midori, offers dozens of BDSM-related courses for both beginning and advanced students. Midori and her colleagues teach in a number of cities in the United States and Canada.

The Academy of SM Arts is the creation of Cléo Dubois, whose teaching style can be seen in her videos _The Pain Game_ and _Tie Me Up!_ Cléo offers women-only S/M intensives. These are four-day, hands-on workshops limited to eight women per course. Cléo also offers individual coaching and private classes for couples.

In the United States, there are a number of annual BDSM events which feature workshops, demos, and play parties. The BDSM Events Page (see Resources) lists many of these; others can be found in the Web links to womens BDSM organizations.

Youll find a number of guides in the bibliography that offer detailed information on techniques for BDSM play.

#  **Suggested Web Links**

THE ACADEMY OF SM ARTS

www.sm-arts.com

ALTSEX PAGES

www.altsex.org

FIRE HORSE PRODUCTIONS

www.fhp-inc.com/html/home.html

LEATHERDYKE

www.leatherdyke.com

Women-only online community run by leatherdykes, for leatherdykes. Events bulletin board.

PLAY PIERCING

www.sexuality.org/1/bdsm/needle.html

SOURCE OF SIDEBAR

"S/M Is Not Abuse (Abuse Is Not S/M)" is reprinted with permission from a pamphlet published by AABL, now the Northwest Network of Bi, Trans, Lesbian and Gay Survivors of Abuse. (See chapter, 20, Resources.)


Input: Write a chapter on play parties and public sex for a nonfiction book. Discuss the appeal of public sex and its various forms, including commercial sex and play parties. Define commercial sex and explain how it can include activities beyond prostitution, such as purchasing erotic materials or attending strip clubs. Emphasize that many lesbian, bisexual, and queer women work in the sex industry and enjoy consuming sexual entertainment. Provide tips on how to enjoy live sexual performances, both in strip clubs and at play parties. Define play parties and describe the various types, styles, and sizes of parties. Explain the benefits of attending play parties, including the opportunity to explore one's sexuality, meet new people, and engage in group sex. Provide tips on how to have a good time at a sex party, including setting reasonable expectations, practicing negotiation and safer sex, and seeking out pleasure that feels right. Discuss play party etiquette, including what to do and not do at a party. Finally, provide tips on how to throw a safer-sex party, including what to consider when planning the event and how to make the space accessible to disabled guests.

Response:
_**chapter sixteen**_

**Play Parties and Public Sex**

I really like to have public sex. Its the whole idea of doing something naughty and the possibility of getting caught.

MANY LESBIAN, BISEXUAL, AND QUEER WOMEN love sex in public. Does that mean they have sex in the backseats of cars, public bathrooms, or the park? Well, they might—though such scenarios carry serious risks, including the risk of assault or arrest. Public sex neednt be dangerous or illegal—nor must you involve bystanders as unwilling voyeurs to your scene. Celebrating sex in public doesnt necessarily mean that you get down with your girlfriend under the pool table at your local dyke bar. Public sex can include many safe, consensual forms of sexual expression that you can enjoy outside the privacy of your bedroom—from attendance at an erotic performance to a night of group sex at a play party.

#  **Commercial Sex**

Most people think of prostitution—the exchange of sex for money—when they think of commercial sex. Yet commercial sex can include any form of sexual expression or entertainment that you pay to enjoy—from the purchase of erotic books, magazines, DVDs, and videos to the dollar you slip into the lacy thong of a dancer at a strip club.

Prostitution is illegal in most of the United States and many other countries. Generally, "prostitution" is defined as exchanging sex for money; and usually "sex" is defined as involving some form of direct genital contact. So, in many places where prostitution is illegal, it may be perfectly permissible to charge clients for private sessions with a dominatrix or to host erotic performances and sex parties. Of course, local laws, regulations, and enforcement practices vary widely.

We usually dont think of women as consumers of commercial sex. Yet any dyke who has attended an all-women strip show, purchased a copy of _On Our Backs_ or _Best Lesbian Erotica,_ rented a lesbian sex video or DVD, called a phone sex line, logged onto a cybersex site, or bought a ticket to an explicitly erotic performance has paid for sexual entertainment.

Of course, its an open secret that many lesbian, bisexual, and queer women work in the sex industry. The ubiquitous girl-girl sex scenes found in porn videos marketed to heterosexual men are often performed by bisexual or lesbian women passing as heterosexual women pretending to be lesbians. Lesbians and bisexual women who work in the sex industry are often delighted to find women in their audiences and among their clientele.

Other lesbian, bisexual, and queer women—whether paid or not—strip for the pleasure of seducing a room full of women.

_I frequently work as a dyke stripper at a local dyke cabaret night. The first time I stripped I had forgotten that folks would be tucking money into my underwear. Id never even seen a stripper before—and here I was doing a favor for a friend. The audience was so supportive! I felt so sexy! Folks were whispering dirty things in my ears as they tucked bills into my G-string. I felt like the sex goddess of the universe. Ive never stripped for men, and I dont think I want to. But for women its so sexy!_

Unless you frequent lesbian strip shows or sex parties, you never may have observed other lesbians having sex—live and in the flesh. Lesbian-produced videos, DVDs, and magazines offer the opportunity to see images of real dykes having real sex. You cant pop a low-budget, lesbian-made video into the VCR  and miss the fact that these are real lesbians having real sex for the pleasure of putting their lust on exhibition—something women just arent supposed to do.

For many women, cybersex is their first experience with actually having public sex—rather than viewing it. You can enter an unmoderated chatroom, "listen" in until you feel comfortable, and then jump into the fray. Cybersex offers a safe introduction to anonymous sex, since you can "pick up" another woman, "go private" by creating a private chatroom for your encounter, and have cybersex—without risk of STDs or unwanted entanglements.

What about live sex? Where can a lesbian or bisexual woman go to enjoy live sexual performances? Some women go to strip clubs. You can go in a group, cheer on the erotic dancers, and even pay for a lap dance.

#  **Play Parties**

_I had the most intense orgasm of my life while being caressed, kissed, and penetrated by two women. This was just about the best sex I have ever experienced!_

A play party is a social gathering where people engage in sex. There are all types of play parties—some are for women only and others are pansexual, welcoming all genders, all sexual styles, and all sexual orientations.

Some parties are small, private affairs—a lesbian invites three friends over for a romp in her bed. Others are large public events, hosting as many as 200 women who have learned of the event from a flyer or ad. Most play parties are semipublic. The host draws up an invitation list, encouraging guests to bring their friends, who are then added to the list for future events. Most party hosts charge a fee to cover space rental, safer-sex supplies, food, and other expenses.

Parties, of course, come in all flavors, with styles as individual as their hosts. From sensual affairs with hot tubs and scrumptious buffets to dungeon parties where women engage in elaborately negotiated BDSM scenes, youll find play parties to suit a wide range of tastes. Some parties begin with games and ice-breakers; others feature rituals intended to create a particular mood.

What does a play party look like? Typically, youll find a social area with refreshments, an area to change out of street clothes and into fetish wear, and a play area. Some party spaces even have showers. You may find an impressive array of dungeon equipment, including St. Andrews crosses, racks, cages, and slings. You may even find a gynecologists examination table. Or, you may find a room lined with futons or foam mattresses.

Youll see women naked, or wearing all manner of fetish gear, including corsets, G-strings, dildos and harnesses, chaps, and stiletto heels. Youll find women watching others having sex, or chatting in small groups, as at any other party. You may see couples in discreet corners, lost in deep kisses; a group of women in a "puppy pile" of jumbled limbs and torsos; or a daisy chain of women engaging in oral sex. You may see women getting fisted in slings. Youll certainly get to see and hear many womens orgasms.

**_Twelve Reasons to Go to a Sex Party_**

1\. You can nurture your inner exhibitionist. You can perform for an audience of eager voyeurs.

2\. You can indulge in sensory overload, watching and hearing others engage in sexual activities—while youre having sex.

3\. You can leave your inhibitions at the door and try sexual activities youve only imagined. Nothing like a change of venue to make you feel adventurous.

4\. Your body image will get a big boost when you see women of all shapes and sizes being admired erotically.

5\. You can scream out your pleasure (or pain) without worrying about your neighbors.

6\. Youll get plenty of encouragement for being a slut. You may even get a round of applause when you come.

7\. You can make friends and find sex partners.

8\. You can have group sex, and you can have sex with strangers in a safe environment.

9\. You can play on good equipment—like a St. Andrews cross or sling. You can play with that new 6-foot single-tailed whip you cant safely swing in your living room.

10\. You can enact your favorite public sex fantasy without the risk of encountering cops and queer-bashers.

11\. You can have sex without the complications of dating.

12\. You can heat up your relationship. Even if you and your partner wish to have sex exclusively with each other, you can enjoy an entirely new erotic environment.

At a BDSM party, youll find women tied to whipping posts, crosses, bondage tables, racks, and (in standing bondage) to eyebolts in a low ceiling. Youll hear the crack of single-tailed whips, the smack of paddles on buttocks, and, of course, lots of sighs and screams.

Youll see women practicing safer sex, too. You can learn how to introduce latex and other barriers into a scene. You may see a woman erotically teasing her partner as she slowly slips on a glove or licking a partners thighs as she spreads a dental dam over her vulva. Youll see women lube up condom-covered dildos and butt plugs, and slip gloves over the heads of electric vibrators.

Many party hosts post safer-sex rules. They may be as simple as "no exchange of bodily fluid" or quite detailed, specifying when gloves and condoms are to be used. You may find etiquette rules posted as well. Hosts may remind guests to ask before touching and to refrain from interrupting others play. Often S/M parties employ dungeon monitors who can help guests with safety concerns. In many communities, _safeword_ has itself become the universal safeword—if you call out "safeword," folks will come running.

#  **How to Have Fun at a Sex Party**

How can you have a good time at a sex party? Lower your expectations. If your goal for the evening is to have sex with a particular individual or to meet the woman of your dreams, you may go home disappointed. Set a reasonable goal for yourself. For instance, just showing up and watching a scene, or saying hello to one person you dont know, is a reasonable objective for a first play party.

Play parties can be great places to learn how the principles of negotiation and safer sex work in "real" life. In your everyday life, you might feel awkward asking for sex or turning down an offer of a date. Being surrounded by women who boldly state their erotic interests and preferences gives you support for  asking for what _you_ want, too. You can practice saying "Would you like to…" and "Id love to…" and "No, thanks" in an erotic context.

Give yourself permission to seek out any form of pleasure that feels right to you. You can get a foot rub. You can be fed strawberries as you watch women engage in sex. You can try new sexual activities, experiment with roles and costumes, and have sex with six women—if you find willing participants and have the stamina. You can play with women or men, or both, if you so desire.

Dont do anything that doesnt feel right to you. Attendance at a pansexual party doesnt necessarily mean youre interested in having sex with men—regardless of whether you identify as lesbian or bisexual. In fact, going to a play party doesnt obligate you to have sex at all. You may be wholeheartedly appreciated as an enthusiastic voyeur.

Dont want to go to a party alone? So take a friend or lover—just be sure you discuss your expectations for the evening _before_ you get to the party. Will you be having sex with each other? With others as well? Is it OK if one of you goes off on her own to engage in sex play? Can the other watch? What happens if one of you wants to leave?

What if you witness a scene so erotically compelling you just _have_ to join in? Can you join a group engaged in sex? You can make your presence known _subtly_ without interrupting or crowding the scene. Wait until you have an opportunity to make eye contact. Smile. Let the women involved in the scene initiate communication. If theres no interest, move on. If there is, ask: "May I join you?"

#  **Where to Find Play Parties**

You may have to hunt to find a play party if you dont live in a big city—or if youre new in town. Your local S/M organization or sex toy boutique is the best place to start when looking for sex parties. If that doesnt work, get online and ask members of your favorite sexually oriented email discussion list if they know of any parties in your area. (See the resources for suggestions.)

#  **Play Party Etiquette**

##  **Dont…**

• Dont touch anyone without asking permission.

• Dont crowd scenes. If someone asks you to back off, do so graciously.

• Dont try to join a scene unless invited.

• Dont interrupt someones scene or play or talk loudly in the play area.

• Dont gape judgmentally. Dont snicker.

• Dont borrow toys without asking.

##  **Do…**

• Respect the party rules regarding safer sex—even if you and your date are fluid-bonded. Why? Youll set a good example and encourage others to practice safer sex.

• Clean up after yourself. Wipe down surfaces. Pick up your used gloves and condoms and dispose of them properly.

• Be generous with your compliments.

• Bring food if the invitation requests it. Real food—homemade bread, veggies and dip, and organic juices—will be appreciated by tired souls at 2 A.M.

• Respect the anonymity of your fellow partygoers. Your erotic tales will be just as spectacular without names or identifying details.

• Thank your host. Giving a sex party is a big risk.

#  **How to Throw a Safer-Sex Party**

You can host an erotic event of your own. Be forewarned that hosting a play party will require more work than you probably can anticipate and will stretch your sexual self-confidence—you really _are_ putting your desires out there when you host an explicitly sexual event.

What kind of party would you host? An intimate evening of group sex? An S/M play party? An erotic cabaret with strippers, dancing, food, and sex? (You could even organize your event as a fundraiser and raffle off sex toys and erotic DVDs.)

Are sex clubs legal? Will you get arrested for hosting a private play party? A public play party? Is it legal to charge admission for the event? Can you advertise? Laws regulating sex businesses vary from city to city and country to country. In some cities, nudity isnt legal in an establishment that serves alcohol. In other cities, sex clubs are legal if the patrons purchase memberships. In many places, no such business would be tolerated at all. You can ask the proprietor of a local sex club or gay bathhouse or your local civil liberties organization for information on regulations in your area.

Whom would you like to invite? Will you limit the party to close friends and lovers? Or will you send an invitation to every known lesbian within a 30-mile radius? Talk to your friends as you plan your party. What kind of event would _they_ enjoy?

Your invitation can reassure your friends that participating in erotic play is entirely voluntary. Encourage them to bring their favorite food, beverages, and music—people often feel more comfortable at an event if they have a role to play. You can also invite your most gregarious (and least threatening) friends to take shifts at the door.

Dont forget to remind your guests not to wear scented cosmetics or perfumes if any of your guests may be chemically sensitive. Also let your guests know what kinds of safer-sex supplies youll provide. Will you have Lollyes dams? Plastic wrap? Latex gloves? Water-based lube? Will you have latex-free alternatives, like nitrile gloves and polyurethane condoms? Glycerin-free lube? If not, say so—let your guests know that they need to bring these supplies.

Will your space be accessible to disabled guests? Say so on the invitation, and be specific. Dont say "wheelchair accessible" if there are three steps up to your front door or if your bathroom door isnt large enough to accommodate a wheelchair. State whether or not your event will be ASL interpreted. What other accessibility issues might you address in your event planning? Heres a prime opportunity to consult with disabled lesbians and bisexual women in your community. Ask what would make the event feasible for them.

Where will the party be held? Will it be big enough to accommodate your guest list? Is there parking? Public transportation? Make sure the space is adequately heated (or cooled, depending on the season) and _clean._ (Theres nothing worse  than grabbing a sticky lube bottle to find its coated with dust.) Will you borrow BDSM equipment? Futons? Cover mattresses and other upholstered surfaces with plastic sheets and then with cloth sheets. Make sure you provide plenty of paper towels and trash receptacles.

**_Carol Queen on Voyeurs and Exhibitionists_**

Voyeurs who bring love and appreciation to their watching are another species altogether. In a sense, everyone in a public sex environment is both voyeur and exhibitionist—if not, theyd probably prefer to stay home. But dyed-in-the-wool voyeurs are the glue that helps a party cohere. They add sexual energy instead of taking it away; their rapt and watchful presence can turn up the heat on any scene.

If voyeurs add glue, exhibitionists add kindling. Many times, my partner and I have fueled a sluggish, slow-to-start party by placing ourselves in the center of the room and beginning to do something explicit or outrageous. First we attract the voyeurs. The next thing we know, couples and groups have formed all around us. The party has ignited.

You can employ a few tricks to get things rolling. You can "seed" your guest list with a few exhibitionist friends whom you can count on to ignite the rest of the crowd, as Carol Queen suggests, above. You can start the evening with a ritual, erotic performance, or a game, such as passing sex toys around a circle—hands free.

Soon you wont have to worry about stoking the action—even your most introverted guests will be happily occupied. And youll be so busy restocking lube and safer-sex supplies that youll hardly have a minute to wonder whats become of all those shy friends who swore theyd be too nervous to "do" anything.

#  **Suggested Web Link**

SOCIETY FOR HUMAN SEXUALITY—ENJOYING AND HOSTING EROTIC EVENTS

www.sexuality.org/ehee.html

SOURCE OF SIDEBAR

Carol Queen, _Real Live Nude Girl: Chronicles of Sex-Positive Culture_ (Cleis Press, 2002), 71.