Input: Could not generate response.

Response:
_**chapter eight**_

**Sex and Partnership**

_Weve been together for 27 years and still very much enjoy an active sex life. We have a fun game of keeping track of how many different places we can have sex. We have made love in 40 states and 11 countries_.

LESBIAN, BISEXUAL, AND QUEER WOMEN have all kinds of sexual partnerships. We have lovers, play partners, longtime sweethearts, regular fuck buddies, domestic partners, Daddies, bois, girls, Mistresses, Masters, slaves, Tops, bottoms, and in some locales, legally recognized wedded spouses.

We have sex with women and men, partners who identify as transgendered, traditionally gendered, and ambiguously gendered—and partners who reject the notion of gender altogether.

We may dream of committed life partners, two dogs and a cat, the house with the garden (and maybe a child or two), and we may attempt this with a number of partners over the course of a lifetime. We enjoy longtime friendships with occasional forays into erotic play and decades-long monogamous relationships.

We live in committed polyamorous relationships, where our network of lovers—and their lovers, ex-lovers, best friends, and roommates—become our extended family. We have sex with exes and exes of exes.

In our S/M play, we may negotiate for hours with a new partner with whom we expect to share a one-time scene. Or we may engage in ongoing negotiations with a regular partner with the intention of building toward a 24/7 relationship. We may negotiate a contract with a slave or Master that spells out in numbered articles and paragraphs the duties and privileges of each of our roles.

#  **Erotic Intimacy**

Clearly, sex in the context of a relationship is something many of us value highly—and while our definition of the word _relationship_ varies as widely as our sexual interests, we have in common the desire for ongoing, intimate sexual connection. Its the interplay of two (or more) people bringing their whole selves to sex that compels many of us. You can, of course, enjoy that erotic exchange with a brand-new lover or someone with whom you intend to share one night of sex—and one night only. But it is the element of _time_ that creates those possibilities many of us are drawn to explore.

You can expand and deepen your erotic life with the encouragement of a supportive partner. Cheering on your partners erotic discoveries may give you permission to further your own sexual explorations. She may bring to the relationship sexual experience and interests that will enrich your sex life. You may discover gratification in teaching your partner a thing or two—many of us take delight in showing a partner new sources of pleasure.

We have questions about our sexualities and gender that cannot be answered in a weekend, and ongoing themes that evolve over years of exploration. Our partners are more than steadfast support or critical witnesses. Our partners hold a long view of us. With years behind and years ahead, they can help us keep our sexualities in perspective. They have watched the changes in our sexual practices, desires, and bodies. They can help us remember our stated wishes and help us keep the momentum of our sex lives rolling.

_My partner likes my body. She knows I am not happy with being in too feminine a body and accepts my masculinity. I had fears of telling her about this until a year ago, as my ex always told me I was too masculine. She gets upset, though, that I dont like my breasts being touched but has come to understand why. She is the first one to accept me as I am._

Building on shared experience, sex can become more intimate—and more intuitive, playful, and vital—and can bring into being a more deeply intimate relationship.

_I didnt realize just how much love can affect fucking, but it really does make a difference._

_I think great sex is very contextual. What I enjoy depends on the person I am with, and the relationship I have with them. I guess my ideal would be to be with someone I love completely, and be intimate with them, sexual with them, regularly—as an expression of our love for one another._

This deepening of erotic intimacy is something that many people long for. They may be disappointed to discover that love and commitment dont guarantee a satisfying sexual connection—or sustain sexual interest over the long haul. (Faced with that disappointment, they may conclude their partner is not "the one" and move on.)

Thankfully, the qualities that make for thriving sexual relationships are ones you can cultivate, both in yourself and in your relationship.

#  **What Kind of Sex Life Do You Want, Anyway?**

Before you can say what kind of relationship you want, it helps to think about what kind of sex life you envision for yourself. You may have completed a Yes/ No/Maybe exercise—either as a way of discovering your desires (see chapter 2, Desire and Fantasy) or in negotiating with a partner (see chapter 7, Communication, and chapter 15, Play Nice!…). You probably already know which of the activities in the "Erotic Play" list in chapter 2 youd like to try. Now take it a step further.

Sure, you know youd like to receive cunnilingus from your partner for hours, nonstop, if it were possible. Or that your best orgasms occur when youve got a chrome dildo in your butt and your partner squeezes your nipples as you hold a vibrator to your clit.

But what kind of erotic _life_ would you like?

Your sexual concerns may be so wrapped up in the needs of a particular relationship or partner that you havent taken the opportunity to simply imagine what you want for yourself. Period. No one elses expectations. No one elses baggage.

Begin with your imagination. Dont worry if your flights of fancy are just that—let your fantasies loose and worry about plausibility later:

 _The sex life of my dreams would allow me to have sex with who I want, when I want, whether I was in a relationship or not. Id probably have one steady partner, with the understanding that we are free to have sexual experiences with other people. Id engage in activities with men and women, but mostly women. I would feel free and uninhibited. I would be pleased with myself._

While at first glance this may look like an unrealistic ideal (the kind that can have you wallowing in dissatisfaction), this is actually a quite attainable goal. OK, within reasonable limitations. Why _shouldnt_ you have sex with whomever you want when you want? Why _not_ have as your goal feeling free and uninhibited and being pleased with yourself?

_No STDs. No pregnancy. Cum tastes like grape soda (both male and female). Many different people, ages, body types, organ styles. All sexual activities within moral reason. I feel better about my body._

So what if what you want is completely absurd? Behind the impossibilities lie elements of plausibility. OK, so ejaculate may not taste like a fruit drink, but the rest of this womans ideal sex life is quite within the realm of possibility.

As are these:

 _If I could order a new sex life I wouldnt change anything about the current one—the only difference would be for me to have a higher sex drive so I could satisfy my woman more._

_My partner and I cant keep our hands off each other. We engage in every sexual activity imaginable—fisting, S/M, using strap-ons, etc. I feel wonderful and sexy._

_I see myself having a family of friends, some of whom are also lovers. I see myself having a LOT of time to myself as I now understand (after 18 years of monogamy, spread over three relationships) that I need to live alone._

You can heal your sexuality of the traumas of the past, and in so doing, invent a sex life that works for you. (A woman interviewed for _The Survivors Guide to Sex_ reports, "I think survivors who have done their healing have some of the best sex lives around. We do all this healing work that most people need to do, survivors or not.")1

_In my dream life, Im not depressed. I have a healthy self-image and I dont have to take daily medication just to stay alive. Ive gotten rid of the baggage from my childhood and sexual abuse, and I have multiple partners and exciting, fun sex._

Allow yourself to imagine the ideal sex life for you. Dont worry about whether its realistic—we are trained to evaluate limitations, we are not encouraged to think freely. We worry we will be seen as greedy, self-centered, or immoral if we insist on sex lives that work for us. Dont judge. Just brainstorm. If you keep a journal, or like to write, set a timer for five minutes (or 10 or 15) and write down everything that comes to mind when you imagine your ideal sex life.

You might surprise yourself—both with the ordinariness of what you want and the fantastic:

 _Id get rid of all the time-consuming and energy-consuming things that interfere with sex. More three and four-day weekends! The physical limitations could go, too. Id like to have the resilience, flexibility, and stamina that I had when I was a young woman, but with the mind I have now. I would definitely stick to my current partner, though. Shes a great lover, and I get hot just looking at her._

_I joke about how in my next life Im coming back as a beautiful, well-hung fag in an age without AIDS and STDs and Im going to fuck myself silly. Im going to have innumerable sexual encounters. Im going to have circle jerks and orgies and everything under the sun. Its gonna be quite a party._

##  **Be Specific**

When asked what kind of sex life you want, do you answer: "Great sex with a woman I love and who loves me"? Thats too vague a statement to build a life around. Its not that theres anything wrong with wanting to be sexually satisfied in the context of a committed relationship—of course not! Many of us want this. But a statement this vague leaves too much room for disappointment and frustration. What do you mean by "great sex"? For that matter, what do you mean by "love"?

And if yours were a truly satisfying sexual life, how would you know it? Dont minimize this question. What would have to be true for you to say, "This is it! Im totally happy about my sex life." What sexual activities would you engage in? With whom? How frequently? How would you feel about yourself?

You can be rigorous with this. Dont let yourself get away with easy statements and vague yearnings. ("Ill know it when I see it" is not an acceptable answer.) Dont fall into the trap of forever seeking out greener pastures or settling for a sex life you dont really enjoy. Take the time to fill in the blanks. After all, its _your_ life—your shared erotic life.

Heres an example:

• You and I spend waking time in bed, where we are erotically focused on each other, three times per week. We might talk about sex, give each other massages, or have sex.

• At least some of the time, we include cunnilingus in our play, and at least some of the time, we include anal penetration.

• Sometimes we are playful, sometimes romantic, sometimes wild and hot.

• At least once a month, we share some form of erotic entertainment—an evening with a porn DVD, a night at a drag king show, a trip to the toy store, a photo shoot with our new digital camera.

• At least once every three months, we explore something that one of us has never done before (or even that neither of us has done before).

• At least once every six months, we go away together for a long weekend—no cell phone, no laptop.

• We tell each other what we need to get off.

• We tell each other if we feel unsatisfied, jealous, too vulnerable, or freaked out.

• We give each other lots of compliments.2

This list is certainly specific. Is it possible to achieve? For instance, are both of you home often enough to meet up in bed three times per week?

Most important, are the items on the list measurable? Is it possible to say, "Yes, we are meeting our expectations"? Or "Well, were doing OK in some areas, but not in others"? Or even "I havent even thought about sex in weeks"? Back to the drawing board….

What would you put on _your_ list?

One woman said that she couldnt imagine being with a partner who didnt like oral sex—without receiving cunnilingus on a regular basis, she simply would not feel satisfied. Another said she needed to get fucked, on her back, heels in the air, three times per week, at a minimum. And a third said that she didnt care so much about frequency or what particular sexual activities she and her partner engaged in. What matters to her is that her lover is her equal in adventurousness and curiosity, willing and able to meet her wherever her explorations might go.

Do you want a partner who is romantic? Daring? Wholl try anything once? (Who has tried everything once?) A partner who knows more about sex than you do? Do you want to mentor a novice? Do you feel desired and protected by a partner who never leaves your side—or does such possessiveness repel you?

What about variety? One woman said she couldnt stand the predictability of reciprocal sex in her previous lesbian relationships: _You do me, then Ill do you, we both do each other, back and forth, weekend after weekend._

Is S/M essential to your sex life? "It doesnt have to be all the time, but I couldnt be in a relationship if I knew there was no possibility of S/M play. Ive done that before and I wont do it again."

Do you need a partner who is a switch? "I need to bottom occasionally. Otherwise I start to feel resentful." Or, "Im a top, and I dont want my partner to expect that Id like to be on the receiving end."

Are gender roles essential to your sex life? If you want someone who is comfortable with your gender fluidity, say so. If a traditional butch/femme relationship is the bottom line for you, say that.

Is sexual growth vital to your well-being? Is it important to you to learn new things about sex and sexuality over time?

How important _is_ sex in your life anyway? If ongoing erotic communication and play—however you define that—is essential to you in a partnership, say so. To yourself. To all the friends who are eager to see you happy. And most certainly to prospective lovers.

##  **Set Your Standards**

Think of these as your sexual standards for being in a relationship. Of course, you may have other standards regarding other aspects of your partnerships—for instance, you may want a partner who has integrity, is loyal, loves children and dogs, and dances really, really well. Many of us are well-practiced in ticking off these qualities. We may be less versed in enumerating our sexual wants and needs.

_There are things that I will do for a partner because I want to make her happy even though Im not that turned on by it. My last girlfriend loved to have her toes sucked. I wasnt into that. I_ was _very into seeing her turned on, so it was worth doing. There are things I wont do, no matter how much a girl begs. No drawing blood. No Nazi scenes. No pedophilia scenes. No scat. No urine._

_My partner blamed many "dry spells" of very little or no sex on depression, school, and herpes. I always remained patient, and tried to ride out the storms…. Nine years later, she left me. I will never again tolerate lack of sex for any excessive duration for any excuse. No harm will come to either of us if we come to the realization that our sexual needs are not compatible, and part ways immediately._

You might think of your sexual standards as good boundaries; they are that, and more. Your sexual standards describe what qualities you require in both your partner and your relationship.

_Sex with her was so great in the beginning because—and I still have no idea how she was able to do this—we could go for hours and hours. She is 23 years my senior and disabled, but her passion is unequaled by any woman Ive known or even heard about. She is inventive, all-consuming—right there. Its even better now that we know each other so well. Our connection is stronger and the sex is fantastic. Sex with her is so great because our hearts and energies are as intertwined as our bodies._

What sexual qualities do you look for in a partner? By sexual qualities, I dont mean a 5-inch tongue, fingers as busy as a vibrator, or an exquisite strap-on technique. Im talking about the qualities of self we bring to our sexual couplings. You may say that you want a partner who knows without being told what you need sexually. Youve no doubt heard by now that this is a romantic myth. Sure, it happens, but I wouldnt count on it.

Eros, if it is to survive the ravages of time, familiarity, and routine, requires a special kind of nurturing and a unique set of skills.

**JACK MORIN**

Putting aside the desire for a mind-reader or a magician, and your own personal likes and dislikes, what makes someone a great sex partner? Here are some qualities that can make a difference, regardless of your sexual proclivities or situation. (This is not a complete list, nor does it address all the _other_ aspects of relationship.) Some of these are qualities you can develop in yourself as well as look for in others:

• _Erotic attraction._ Heat. Someone for whom you feel powerful sexual desire.

• _Sexual compatibility._ Your favored sexual activities neednt match up like pieces in a jigsaw puzzle, but it helps to be playing the same game.

• _Willingness to try new things_ —thats what makes it possible for you to grow sexually, both individually and together.

• _Openness_ to discussion about what you like, dont like, what you need, how you feel, your sexual histories, STDs, safer sex—even if the conversation is awkward or uncomfortable. These are the courageous conversations that make possible new erotic adventures, experiences that cant possibly happen if you never speak up. Good communication deepens sexual relationship.

• _Respect both for herself and for you._ Thats limits _and_ desires—especially respect for those she does not share. This also includes respecting your physical and emotional health concerns.

• _Sexual honesty._ This is required for your emotional safety. Its also the bottom line for couples who forgo safer sex practices, instead choosing to be monogamous or fluid-bonded.

• _Ability to listen_ to not just the words, but the intention. Listening is more than just waiting your turn to speak.

• _Embodiment._ You do not have to be a goddess of sensuality or a practitioner of Tantra to be in touch with bodily sensations. Regardless of your level of sexual experience, your disabilities and physical limitations, and even a history of dissociation, you can learn how to live _in_ your body as a sensate being.

_Sex with her is so great because she embodies a wide range of genders and sexual roles—boy, fag, straight girl, butch dyke, high femme, daddy…_

How would you describe _your_ ideal partner? Here are some examples to get you started:

 _Someone who really touches my skin and listens to my body. The skin is the biggest sexual organ of them all._

_Doesnt get jealous, wants to have sex frequently with cuddles before, during and after, enjoys sex with others with and without my participation, is into a wide range of sexual activities including BDSM, has no hang-ups about safer-sex practices, is open and honest about what she wants in and out of bed, respects the hell out of me._

_Hmmm. Butch. Tall. Sweet, kind, strong, intelligent, humorous, loving, open, honest, warm, interested in life, slightly introverted, thoughtful, sexy!!! Oh, and open to being in a poly relationship of course…_

_My ideal female sex partner would be unselfconscious about her body. Shed be uninhibited, and adventurous. Shed know she was beautiful, and shed approach sex as a way of expressing the joy of being a physical creature. I cant help but think of the way cats move in their bodies—a mixture of pride and pleasure. My ideal woman would be like that. A free spirit._

#  **What Kind of Partnership Do You Want?**

The idea of choosing what kind of relationship you want may be quite foreign. After all, how many models of sexual partnership are we offered?

Many of us fall into relationships very easily. Sometimes we end up in a sexual relationship exactly like the one we told our best friend we wouldnt settle for. How does that happen? Well, there are many reasons for repeating past mistakes. And many sources of help for sorting out our histories and motivations. In the meantime, think about what you want for your future.

What kind of relationship do you want? Do you long for a committed partner who shares your home as well as your bed? Or does the thought of "till  death do us part" make you break out in hives? Would you like home, lover, family—but not monogamy? Monogamy, but not cohabitation? Not interested in marriage right now, thank-you-very-much?

Do you want to date without pressure? Is your joy in dating over time, discovering a partners particular brand of sexuality—without any expectation, implicit or otherwise, that if you care about her youll want the relationship to go further?

If monogamy is your goal, how do you define it? Is it monogamy if you have sex with only one partner in real time, but have online play partners? Or flirt in chatrooms? Does an occasional romp at a play party count? What about a lap dance at a charity strip show? Or when youre out of town on business? And is this arrangement explicit—something youve discussed with your partner—or something you think she knows-but-doesnt-want-to-know? Does your relationship leave room for you to fantasize freely, even when your partner is not in the starring role—or do you rein in your imagination?

_I perform as a drag king and flirting is part of the show. I get offers for sex with women I am REALLY attracted to and wish I could keep my current relationship with my partner and have some sex on the side._

Monogamy vs. nonmonogamy (or polyamory—see "Whats Your Style?," below) is an age-old tug-of-war. Its also a construct—that is, something we have created. As with other polarities (children vs. no children, city vs. country), it oversimplifies our real needs and goes nowhere toward creating mutual satisfaction.

Be specific about what these words mean to you. What about monogamy do you require? Is it security and commitment? Do you need exclusivity in order to risk or sustain intimacy? Monogamy is not a remedy for jealousy (for that, turn to open communication and trust built over time), nor is it insurance against loss.

_We used to have a theoretical open-relationship. We didnt want the desire to sleep with someone else to ruin our emotional relationship, so we thought we would remove the stigma and make desiring and sleeping with another "OK." We were eventually honest with each other about our jealousy and admitted we would be very hurt if the other slept with someone else so we closed the relationship. We still have an agreement to talk about it and be honest about attraction to or desire for someone else._

Does your erotic life blossom in the shared privacy of two—and only two?

_My sexuality is an expression of my love—its reserved for only one person._

_We are monogamous and very content like this. We have been together for three years, we know each other very well, we have fabulous sex and we have great communication and honesty._

If you prefer nonmonogamy or polyamory, what about that is important to you? Is it the idea of sexual freedom—or the practice? Nonmonogamy is not a guarantee of sexual satisfaction; nor does it prevent loss of sexual interest. Do you need to know that you can act on the erotic sparks that fuel your days? Do you need more sex than your partner and want to take care of that need?

_Being poly is very satisfying for me. Having the freedom to get my sexual needs met in the variety of ways that I enjoy is wonderful and necessary for someone like me who has such a strong (and varied) sexual drive._

Do you want to have sexual relationships, or is it sexual variety and adventure that you need? Would a birthday visit from a stripper offering more than a show satisfy your itch? A recreational play date?

_Both of us to enjoy our freedom of sexual expression, and face it—playing with a woman that you will never have to see again is really fun._

What mutually satisfying possibilities might you imagine together? Would either of you feel differently if extramarital forays were negotiated and staged to involve both of you? While the idea of having sex with someone other than your lover may leave you cold, might you participate as co-conspirator and witness? What about spinning fantastic tales of made-up sexual adventure while you have sex? Would attending a sex party as voyeurs (and having sex afterward) satisfy your need for outside sexual stimulation?

If you are skeptical and doubtful that nonmonogamy can work, then it wont work. If you believe in the freedom of desires and have the determination to pursue whats in your heart, anything is possible.

**WENDY-O MATIK**

In any case, dont be talked into arrangements that you know are impossible for you. (One woman wrote about what she called "crappy non-monogamy"—a situation in which "not everyone involved really wanted non-monogamy" but, out of fear of losing a partner, went along with the arrangement. The same could be said of "crappy" monogamy.) Self-denial doesnt prove love. Be honest with yourself and your partner.

Are you by nature polyamorous? Does being polyamorous mean you prefer to engage in committed relationships with your sexual partners? Is one relationship more "important" than the other—and what does _that_ mean? More sexual? More intimate? More shared responsibilities? Would you consider your life perfect with a committed spouse who encourages your ongoing crushes and sexual friendships? A three-way marriage? Partners of both genders—or a variety of genders? If you currently have one lover, do you still call yourself "polyamorous"?

For some women, polyamory is as much a sexual orientation as gender preference. They speak of their desire as a way of being, not a strategy—though they will tell you there certainly are payoffs!

Polyamory is not a way to fix yourself. Its a myth that if youre polyamorous, all that sexual variety will prevent you from ever becoming bored or having sexual conflicts. More likely, it is the intentionality and awareness with which you approach your sex life that is keeping your libido simmering, not the fact that you have more than one lover.

You may have a fuck buddy whom you see now and again when your desires and schedules mesh. You may be in each others lives for years, share all the horrid details of your last breakup over pastry at the café "after"—or meet for sex and only sex, thats it, put on your shoes and go.

**_Whats Your Style?_**

_Monogamy:_ Having sexual relations exclusively with one partner

_Serial monogamy:_ Engaging in a series of monogamous relationships, one after the other

_Nonmonogamy:_ Having sexual relations with more than one partner

_Fluid-bonding:_ A safer-sex strategy of using latex barriers and limiting sexual activities with all but a primary sexual partner

_Polyamory:_ Having more than one sexual relationship at a time. Some women use this term to mean sexual relations with more than one partner, preferring this term to nonmonogamy, a word based on a negative.

_24/7:_ Full-time, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, BDSM role-based relationship

Your life may be centered in a spiritual practice within a community of others who are likewise engaged in spiritual development. Perhaps you study Tantra, joining your sexuality and spirituality. You may be part of a circle of women who meet monthly for erotic massage. Perhaps you enjoy workshops and group events—Body Electric, Burning Man, lesbian Tantra classes, seasonal rituals and retreats. You are happiest when you can move in groups of women and men who share your values about the role of spirituality in our sexual lives—and vice versa. Whatever is going on in your personal life at the moment, these are the relationships you know sustain you.

#  **You Make It Happen**

A vital sexual partnership is something you generate. Regardless of whether you have one partner or three, keeping your sex life alive is something you _do,_ not something that happens _to_ you.

Think of your partner as your collaborator in creating your shared erotic life. You each bring your strengths (and weaknesses), your experiences and histories, needs and wishes to the sexual relationship. This is true whether you are frequent fuck buddies or domestic partners.

In real life, we are busy. We have personal goals—education, jobs, travel. Children, friends, other lovers demand our time and attention. We may have aging parents, health concerns, demanding work, stress about money.

Over the years, a sameness may settle over your sexual activities. With less excitement in your life, you may experience a decline in libido. Inertia sets in. The days between sexual encounters can stretch into weeks and months. Erotic exploration seems more and more unlikely.

**_Fifteen Ways to Heat Up Your Marriage_**

The mystery is gone, you say? Well, perhaps the challenge of the chase is over, but whats more challenging than sustaining sexual intensity with the woman whose toothbrush drips dry each morning next to yours? Here are some suggestions to help wake up your sex life:

1\. Indulge… _yourself!_ Read erotica, watch porn, masturbate. Fantasize. Undress the pretty girls on the bus. Fixate on that FedEx woman who dashes into your office every morning. Like any other talent, without exercise your libido will atrophy.

2\. Take responsibility for yourself. Remember when your sexuality was yours alone—and not marital property? Regardless of your marriage vows, your girlfriend is not in charge of your inner life or who you dream about when you pleasure yourself.

3\. Take a vacation together. Send the kids to your favorite PFLAG mom. Leave town. Dont take your dog. Or stay at home—no phone, no TV, no car, no shopping.

4\. Tell each other a story. _The most outrageous fantasy I ever had…._ Then make it true.

5\. Take your girlfriend sex toy shopping—online or at your favorite sex toy boutique. Giggle. Be embarrassed together. Not interested in toys? Browse the DVD section instead.

6\. Use lube. Lots of lube.

7\. Stop being lazy about sex.Youve probably been getting each other off the same way for years. You touch her; she touches you. You lick her; she licks you. Your fist goes in her vagina; her dildo goes in your anus. Over and over, year after year. Even a great program loses something in reruns. Next time you hop in the sack, declare your usual sexual activities off-limits. Unplug that tired old toy—or get a new one.

8\. Try something different. If your sex play is exclusively genitally focused, take turns giving each other full-body massages. Try this exercise: Sit facing each other on the bed. Breathe in synch. Run your fingers along her face and neck. Or caress her hands. When was the last time you attended to your partners body nonsexually? Describe what youre seeing and feeling. Offer her your appreciation. Take turns.

9\. Switch. After all these years of being the top, have you secretly wanted to throw your heels in the air? Or have you nurtured a secret fantasy of giving your aggressive girlfriend a taste of her own medicine? Fess up, now!

10\. Talk—to your partner. Sure, your best friend can recite your marital disappointments blow for blow. But have you talked with your partner about your sexual frustrations? Are you afraid that if you tell her your complaints, shell tell you hers, and youll realize youre not so happy after all, and soon youll be down $90 a week for couples counseling—forget that trip to London—and besides, youll just break up anyway…. Whew! Talk to your partner;tell her your erotic hopes and dreams.

11\. Speak in positives; dont dump. Unless youve negotiated a humiliation scene, telling your lover of six years that she bores you is not likely to improve your sex life! Remind her how much you love her.Tell her youd like to have the sex life of your dreams—with her. Be specific. Know what you want and ask for it. (See chapter 7, Communication and Finding Sex Partners, for hints.)

12\. Dont assume you know what she likes, either. Ask. Then listen.

13\. Be blissfully wedded…novices. Pick a sexual activity neither of you has ever done—and do it. Never played with anal beads? Rope bondage? Attended a live erotic performance? Have you thought of cross-dressing?

14\. Find a role model. Whether in a self-help book or on your dyke rugby team, find someone whos in an intimate relationship and has hot sex. Get details!

15\. Face your demons. Bet this isnt the first time your desire has fizzled out on a lover. If so, youre not alone! Many people find intimate relationships daunting. Why does closeness snuff out your desire? Why do you want to bolt before the ink is dry on the rental agreement? Finding the answers will require some soul-searching, and maybe some help. Do you want an intimate sex life—really? You may have to work very hard to achieve that, but the results can pay off, big-time.

Believing that loss of sexual desire is inevitable—which is what we have been told to expect3—discourages us from trying to do anything about it. That gives our sexual relationships a quality of resignation. This belief also makes it hard to maintain loving relationships—monogamous _or_ polyamorous—since most of us would rather not have to choose between an active sex life and a stable love life.

None of this, by the way, is any more true for lesbians than it is for heterosexual or gay male couples. "My view is that my lesbian clients who come in  complaining of reduced sexual interaction are experiencing real life," writes lesbian sex researcher and therapist Suzanne Iasenza. "[N]ot unlike their heterosexual brothers and sisters, and gay brothers, the women met, fell in love and created a life together. Their work and family lives developed and demanded attention and energy, sometimes at the cost of quality intimate time together." Iasenza goes on to say that a "careful" reading of sex research "provides little evidence that lesbian sexuality is less active or less fulfilling than gay or heterosexual sex." 4

Real life need not doom us to a sexless existence. We can have thriving sex lives. Regardless of the demands we face, we can have fully realized, rich sexual partnerships. With as much sex as we can handle, many of us are not complaining.

So, if its possible to maintain a vibrant partnered sex life, how do you do it?

You make it happen. You bring intention (followed by action) to your sex life. You replace resignation ("Weve been together ten years—were lucky we have sex once a month") with curiosity ("What would it be like if we decided to have sex _twice_ a month?"). You prioritize your shared erotic life with your partner—with each of your partners, if you have more than one. And you define what that means, which will be particular to each partnership.

That means doing some work.

##  **Dont Complain, Collaborate**

_We talked about how much sex we wanted in our relationship. I had never really ever thought about it. For the first time, I was able to figure out in myself what I wanted/needed in a sexual relationship, and my girlfriend encouraged me to share this with her. The outcome was amazingness._

Your sexual satisfaction is your personal responsibility. Dont just react to what you think is wrong with the sex you are having—or not having—with your current partner. If you only attempt to fix whats wrong, youll end up with a sex life that is shaped by your disappointments, past and present. Make sure you know what you want in a sexual partnership—not just what you dont want.

Ask your partner to do her homework, too. What would she put on _her_ Yes/No/Maybe list? What are _her_ sexual standards for satisfaction? You may find that your partner is also not getting what she wants. Or that what she wants is very different from what you want.

You can compare Yes/No/Maybe lists—with the addition of a few items, like sexual frequency and variation. You can combine your sexual standards lists (see "Be Specific," above).

There are many models for talking about your shared sexual values. Sex coaches and therapists can help here—they may ask you to clarify, on paper, each of your values, histories, expectations, concerns, and desires regarding sexual partnership.

Authors of books on relationships (see chapter 19, Bibliography) offer their own approaches to designing partnerships. Most of them are not specifically looking at sexuality, much less lesbian sexuality, but you can adapt their methods to your own needs. One author who does write about sexuality in the context of relationships is Jack Morin, author of _The Erotic Mind_. He is convinced that "couples who openly confront the difficulties of combining intimacy and passion are the ones most likely to thrive."5

Remember that the goal isnt necessarily to see where your wish lists match. If you look _only_ for common ground, you will eliminate all the sexual possibilities that do not appear on both lists. Here you want to avoid winnowing your lists—which contracts your sexual possibilities. Instead, think about expanding your sexual possibilities.

Whatever your method, the main thing is that designing your sexual partnership becomes a conscious practice, considered and deliberate and done with awareness and intention. Its work, yes, but its hardly drudgery. You may find the experience of talking about sex in this much detail to be a real turn-on.

_The most courageous conversation weve had was about using toys in the bedroom and the outcome was great! We talked about who would feel more comfortable purchasing the items, what kinds of things we wanted, what was an acceptable size/shape/texture for a dildo. It made us more comfortable talking about sex with each other._

This practice can be as much a part of your ongoing sexual relationship as, well, sex. You neednt think of this as just something you do before you get to the good stuff—or an exercise you do to prevent your sex life from withering. Inventing sexual scenarios together, sharing fantasies, solving problems is part of who you are as sex partners. Some of the best conversations you will have with your partner will be ones in which you reveal yourselves sexually to each other. Partners who are able to talk about sex on this level say its one of the best things about their relationship. Plus it will get you hot. _Promise._

You make your sex life happen. You generate the energy, time, interest, and desire. You develop sexual standards for your relationship, which you can review periodically—you can check in to see whether or not your relationship is meeting your mutual hopes for it. You can also note where your priorities may have changed. Some couples do this on their anniversary, on Valentines Day, or in the wee hours of New Years Day.

And over time, your sexual partnership—in fact, your whole relationship—will deepen and grow as you enjoy a sexual connection that feels truly alive.

##  **Difference** ≠ **Incompatibility**

You and your partner may have perfectly matching sexual interests (you like fisting and she likes to get fisted; she dislikes being penetrated vaginally and you dont care one way or the other about strapping it on). Or not—you could find yourself in a relationship with someone whose turn-ons do not mesh with yours.

How does this happen? For starters, you probably did not discuss your likes and dislikes early on. You didnt know how to bring up the subject—you didnt want to hurt her feelings, and you didnt have the vocabulary to get down to the nitty-gritty.

Sexual compatibility wasnt high on your list. (Did you have a list?) Having fallen for your new lover, you assumed the rest would work itself out. Perhaps you thought that sex would get better over time.

(It _is_ possible to have chemistry without compatibility. Just because you feel like a tomcat in heat whenever she walks into the room does not mean that she will satisfy you sexually over time.)

"But sex isnt all there is to a relationship," you may say. True. Yet once you find yourself living with sexual frustration, you may realize its more important than you thought.

Even if your desires complement one another perfectly now, in time you may discover sexual needs that werent apparent in the first blush of sexual heat. You may be happy being sexually exclusive now; but having been polyamorous in the past, will you someday want to invite new sexual partners into your life? You may be in agreement on this point, but what about who those new partners will be? How often will you spend the night with your other partners, what activities will you share, and where? Can you invite her former fuck buddy home for a romp in the play room? Can she invite her new crush into your bed? On your vacation?

What if your lover dislikes your favorite turn-on—or likes something that leaves you cold? How do you negotiate differences in sexual interests? Over time you may discover new turn-ons. If you are committed to trying new sexual activities together, theres no guarantee youll both like the same things.

Differences in sexual interest do not necessarily indicate incompatibility—in fact, your differences are a priceless resource. It may be the _frisson_ that makes those sparks fly.

Take advantage of all the erotic possibilities your differences may offer. Your partner may request activities you never considered trying, and working that out may open you to new possibilities that will enrich your erotic life. Your sexual tastes, frequency, and range of interests will broaden as you try on those of your partners.

_My most recent partners have put vocabulary to my sexual "deviancies." I always thought I was a redneck conservative, but it actually turns out, Im a fairly kinky woman._

As we teach them what pleases us, we learn, too.

_When I first wanted to explore strap-on sex, my girlfriend barely knew harness from dildo. It really forced me to get past my shyness and vocalize my desires._

What at first may seem like an accommodation may prove to be revelatory. Not all of us were born knowing our kinks. Not all of us played bondage games with the neighborhood kids.

_Thats how I came to be such a dirty S/M pervert. It was a critical part of a partners sexuality, and I stretched myself to do more of the things that didnt necessarily come naturally to me. Im grateful to her for the learning experience. I have a richer and fuller sex life now because of experimenting with her. Same with my current partner and her love of anal sex._

Circumstances may force you to be inventive—and what you invent you may find you like.

_My girlfriend and I share a room in a women-only university dorm, and the walls are paper-thin, so weve learned how to be quiet while still letting each other hear breathy moans. The combination of our silence-enforced sex and virtually no free time means that we try to use every free day as a holiday, and sometimes check ourselves into a hotel for a night or two, just so we can be noisy and wild._

_A common symptom of my chronic health problem is loss of desire, so I have been working really hard to not have that be a symptom of mine. Also, it helps that I went five years without good sex and now Im making up for lost time._

_My girlfriends have always responded really well to the fact that I take the _TIME_ to plan something special for them regardless of whether it was a romantic, sensual or hot, rip-off-the-clothes-in-the-hallway kind of affair. Preparation has really kept my sexual relationships alive._

_Im a feast-or-famine lover. I tend to gorge myself on sex for a week or so and then a couple of weeks can go by with little sexual activity. Im distracted and temporarily sated. Then I start feeling deprived and the marathon begins again. I think my partner would like sex more consistently. She teases when I go into feast mode because then I can do it anytime, anywhere…. Sometimes, I like a time-limited self-imposed famine. We can only kiss or hug platonically. Then, we want each other like we did when we first got together._

_I have a disability due to arthritis and trauma, and I find that I am not as flexible as I once was. I have adapted, use more pillows in different ways, so it is not much of a barrier. I got a sling to hold my legs up because that is my preferred position._

_I have a serious blood disorder, which means I have to watch my physical exertion level, so marathon sex is out of the realm of possibility for me. But my girlfriend is quite understanding about the whole thing; we joke about how I need "commercial breaks" before returning to wild monkey sex._

Its scary to rock the boat. But to get what you need, youll have to find the courage to talk to your partner. This is a conversation requiring good communication skills (see "Talk Talk Talk" in chapter 7, Communication and Finding Sex Partners). It will help to be both specific _and_ tactful.

Do you have a vague sense that your sex life is missing the mark? Or is there some essential ingredient missing? Role play? BDSM? Is it an activity you enjoyed in the past—or one youve got an itch to try?

Here are some suggestions for negotiating differences in sexual interests:

• _Make it hot._ How deliciously can you describe your fantasy of wrists bound to bedpost and wax searing your skin as it drips from the candle held in your lovers gloved hand? ("Baby, you never want to tie me up" is not much of an invitation.)

• _Be creative._ Call on one of your partners turn-ons to make your desire work for her. "My girlfriend wouldnt go down on me—I mean, not for love or money—until I ordered her to get on her knees. She loves it when I get toppish on her."

• _Give her time._ If shes never considered play piercing, dont put her on the spot. She honestly may not know whether shed like it or not. Pressed for a response, she may err on the side of no rather than yes. "Eventually she comes round. She just needs time to get used to the idea, and watching other women helps."

• _Educate her._ Bring home a video, take her to a play party, offer her an erotic story—with all the pertinent parts underlined.

• _Be curious._ Rather than respond to her reluctance with judgment, disappointment, or irritation, muster your curiosity. Who is this person? Where do her feelings come from? What makes her tick? What is she trying to tell you?

#  **Whats Holding You Back?**

You may not think of yourself as adventurous, but you can be open to new experiences. Living relationships arent fixed in plaster. They breathe, they change, they are flexible.


Input: Write a section discussing the challenges and solutions for maintaining a satisfying sex life with a partner who has a low libido. Include suggestions for scheduling intimacy, using lube, inviting masturbation, and exploring the source of the low libido. Also, discuss the importance of not sacrificing touch and continuing to engage all the senses in order to feed the libido.

Response:
You even may find that accommodating your partner can work to your advantage:

 _My partner likes me to wear a harness and strap on, but it doesnt do much for me. I set a limit of once every 3 times, so if my partner is desiring penetration play then she has to initiate some "vanilla sex" to get the frequency up—and we both win._

You think your brand-new set of Fukuoku 9000 finger vibrators are your most excellent sexual asset? Think again. Curiosity and openness to exploration are what will make you a superb sexual partner:

 _Right now, I have a partner who wants me to explore anal sex and this has never come up for me before. In my typical fashion, I bought a book and am doing some reading and self-exploration to see if this is something I might reach some comfort with or, hopefully, desire for. I dont have any great moral issue with it, I just havent had it as a need or desire. She is being really patient with me._

Not everyone will dive right into a new adventure. And even if youre well experienced in the sexual arts, there are a lot of reasons you may be hesitant to pick up on your partners desires.

• _What if I dont like it?_ You may be afraid youll erupt with a resounding "ewwww!"—which will make your partner think twice about entrusting her precious desires to you in the future.

• _You want what!?_ You may simply not understand your partners desire. (OK, you understand that she wants you to put a 6-inch acrylic plug in her butt—but you dont get _why_ she wants that.)

• _Why do I feel this way?_ You may be utterly confused about your feelings. Your immediate reaction may be one of strangeness or even revulsion. Its not comfortable to look at things that disturb us and that we dont understand.

• _What if Im no good at it?_ Why expect yourself to be smooth with an activity youve never tried?

• _I just cant see her as a Top._ Are you OK with the activity—but not with this particular partner? (Are you willing to be convinced?)

• _What if I bust up laughing?_ Uh-huh. Think youll feel ridiculous with a silicone dildo strapped to your pelvis? Cant imagine pulling off a repairman-and-housewife role-play scenario? Well, maybe you _will_ fall into a heap of giggles—maybe she will, too, and youll have a wonderful (albeit not-so-sexy) time together. Having gotten the giggles out of your system, next time you may collapse in a heap of sexual exhaustion instead.

• _What if she changes?_ Well, she may be changing—in fact, she may be undergoing a profound transformation in gender or sexual identity. Or she may be revealing to you a part of herself she has never shown to anyone before. She may also just want to dress up and fuck you silly, OK?

• _Thats just wrong!_ Do you think that lesbians shouldnt like penetration, watch gay male porn, engage in age-related role play, or fantasize about having a penis? What judgments like these do you hold for yourself? How much sexual delight are these ideas costing you?

• _This freaks me out._ Are you fearing abandonment if this doesnt work out? Do you feel jealous (or fear youll feel jealous)? Are you in competition with your partner?

• _This makes me feel icky._ Anal sex, age play, inflicting or enjoying pain or humiliation are taboo. They may also be associated with a history of shame, particularly for survivors of sexual abuse and other trauma. Naturally, you dont want to do something that makes you feel that horrible coating of shame youve worked so hard to be rid of. But on the other hand, investigating (not reenacting) that shame—and the turn-ons that trigger it—can empower you sexually. (See "Facing and Healing Triggers of Sexual Trauma," below.)

Remind yourself that your fulfillment will come from opening, frustration from closing in. That doesnt mean saying yes to everything; it does mean considering the possibility that you might be OK with something new.

#  **Low Libido High Libido One Libido No Libido**

You can have an active sex life even if one or both of you is experiencing diminished libido. Maintaining an erotic exchange is especially challenging when you just dont feel very sexual. Whats important is that you share sex as a value in your relationship—and are both willing to take action to generate sexual desire.

I could fill a chapter with myriad reasons for lost libido: pregnancy, perimenopause, menopause, clinical depression, trauma, grief, illness, medication all can be named as culprits. If you know the specific source of a downward change in your libido, attend to that. (See "Nurture Your Libido" in chapter 2, Desire and Fantasy, and "Sexual Response Over a Lifetime" in chapter 3, Anatomy and Sexual Response.)

Dont use low libido as a free pass—"Im perimenopausal" is not a reason to opt out of life. Heres one womans can-do response to shifts in her partners libido during menopause:

 _First, we discussed it without whining, yelling, or accusing. We talked about how we felt. It was an eye opener for both of us. Second, I bought lube for those limited times when she was in the mood. Its amazing how it helped. Third, we spoke to our gynecologist. She recommended a limited dosage of testosterone. These days it comes in a patch. Fourth, I stopped pressuring. I was amazed that taking the pressure off her allowed for more touching. Sometimes that touching turned into wonderful sex. Fifth, I read erotica to her every once in a while. (I kept the lube close by.) Im not saying that we are at the same level that we were when we first met, but things have improved substantially._ _6_

You can commit to regularly scheduled times of intimacy, including physical intimacy which may or may not include sex. Set aside an evening a week, a weekend each month, to focus on each other. Married sex is good sex, too.

_When we didnt live together, sex was often and fantastic. But now that were married, once or twice a month is the norm. Unfortunately, this is mainly my issue. My partner is always ready and willing—me, Im too tired, or stressed about work, or just not interested. I think shes incredibly sexy, and she turns me on, but actually getting to the action is hard work sometimes! We sometimes schedule a "date." It seems terribly unromantic, but it works. Actually, knowing for a day or two in advance that Im gonna get laid, I get pumped up, and it turns out great._

Invite your partner to masturbate in your loving presence. With your arms around her, self-pleasuring may seem less like a compromise. You can read her an erotic story or retell her favorite fantasy. Your participation will assure her of your commitment to her sexual pleasure. Plus you might end up getting aroused yourself.

_I have been blessed or cursed with a very healthy sex drive, while my partner tends to roller-coaster with hers. When shes up, were pretty much on the same wavelength and its great. But when she is not interested, I will sometimes masturbate with her arms around me…. On occasion, this will turn her on and she will join in and well have a nice sweet time. Masturbating with her there is far more satisfying than doing it alone._

Use lube. Lots of lube. When you were dating, you probably left wet spots on restaurant seats. In that state of limerance, your sexual response seemed always at the ready. Now your physiological response has changed and you may need to build arousal to get your juices flowing. Put some lube on your fingers before you touch yourself. The increased wetness will lead to increased sensitivity and increased turn-on.

_**Facing and Healing Triggers of Sexual Trauma**_

Intimate relationships stir things up—for _all_ of us. Whatever your history, being in an intimate relationship will call on you to look at yourself in new ways. For survivors of childhood sexual abuse, sex in the context of intimacy can be an opportunity to attend to the issues of the past and to deepen your own capacity for intimacy and sexual pleasure. It can also be scary.

You get into a relationship, everythings great…at first. But then all those old triggers, memories, and fears come bubbling up. Its not that there is anything wrong with the relationship (though you might jump to that conclusion).Your history is offering itself up for healing.Your job is to pay attention.

Many lesbians and bisexual women are survivors of childhood sexual trauma. Since one in three girls are sexually abused before they turn 18 years of age, its not unusual for both partners in a couple to have experienced sexual trauma. Each may be in a very different stage of healing. One partners work may cause the other to face events she had never explored. Or her partners healing process may cause her to revisit issues she thought she had resolved long ago.

For couples dealing with sexual trauma, Staci Haines offers the question: "How can we support each other in this healing process and also take care of our adult relationship?" In her DVD, _Healing Sex_ , Haines outlines what she considers the key elements to taking care of your sexuality over a lifetime: self-pleasuring, discovery, and dedicating time to your sexuality inside your partnership relationships.7

While there may be times that partner sex takes a backseat to your healing, you are in a _sexual_ partnership. Do not allow the process of healing past abuse to rob you of that.

As a trauma survivor, the key is to continually to turn _toward_ triggers rather than avoid them. Of course, in order to face the sources of your pain, youll need to create a context of safety for yourself—support may come from a therapist, coach, group of friends, or more formal network, as well as from your partner.

What exactly _is_ a trigger? Its an automatic response to present-day stimulus that is caused by past trauma. Triggers can be experienced as emotions, like anger or sadness, and as physical sensations in the body. (For instance, this sidebar may be pushing your buttons. Is your stomach tense? Are your shoulders tight? Do you feel an overwhelming urge to close the book? Want to toss it across the room? Are you breathing?)

Turning toward triggers doesnt mean recreating or mimicking trauma. Putting yourself in harms way will not toughen you up. Past trauma doesnt go away if you "butch" your way through it. Though you may become desensitized to your own painful emotions, youll also lose the sensations of pleasure and joy. Thats not healing; in fact, thats a capsule description of how your body (quite intelligently) shut down to protect you from trauma in the first place.

Turning toward triggers means intentionally risking discomfort in order to stretch your capacity for sexual engagement.The point is not to avoid triggers, but to face them.This is how you can heal.  Over time, you will be able to experience a wide range of sensations and feelings without needing to shut down. Sexually, this means you will be able to tolerate more and more pleasure.

What about partners? Partnering with someone in the midst of healing from sexual trauma is not easy.Your support and love really can help your partner heal. Just the fact of being loved, over time, with all of her triggers and all of her history, can be healing. Certainly, your steadfast presence can help your partner to learn how to trust. Most importantly, by taking care of yourself—including your sexual fullness—you can stand as a reminder to your partner that sexual wholeness is possible. On a bad day, that will go a long way toward encouraging your partner to stay present for herself.

Here are some suggestions for you:

• Be authentic.That doesnt mean being selfish. It means that _you_ remember who you are. What are your concerns? What are your aspirations?

• Negotiate sexual frequency, sexual activities, affection, and nonsexual touch. Be proactive.

• While you may negotiate a time out from sex—for either of you—remember that your sexual heat is good. Its good to be sexual. Its good to want sex, to get horny, to get hot, to feel turned on.

• Masturbate. Keep that intimate connection with yourself vital.

• Dont take it personally when your partner gets triggered. You didnt cause the trauma, and you didnt do anything "wrong." For survivors of sexual trauma, it is inevitable that triggers will arise during sex.

• Dont shrink your shared sex life in order to avoid triggers. Keep gently expanding the comfort zone—for both of you.

• Develop a trigger plan. _The Survivors Guide to Sex_ suggests survivors create a detailed, step-by-step plan for handling triggers during sex. You can create a similar plan for yourself. How do you want to handle triggers that come up for your partner? By listing your options ahead of time, youll have more choice in responding to triggers that arise during sex.You can talk about it with your partner and come up with a joint strategy for maintaining your shared erotic life while respecting the need for safety—for both of you.8

• Dont be a martyr or a savior. You cant "save" your partner from the pain of healing by sacrificing your own well-being.

• Get your own support, including touch. Along with friends, therapists, and discussion groups, support can include massages, bodywork, and hugs from friends.

Two helpful resources for both survivors and partners: _The Survivors Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Childhood Sexual Abuse,_ by Staci Haines, and her DVD, _Healing Sex: The Complete Guide to Sexual Wholeness._

Bathe your senses. Aromatherapy candles, sensuous fabrics, dreamy lighting, fresh flowers, music, art…. Engage all your senses to feed your libido.

Share your fantasies and invite your partner to share hers. For some women, hearing a sexy story can be just enough stimulation to get the motors humming. On the other hand, some women prefer to keep their fantasies private—a personal source of sexual potency whose power, one woman explained, she doesnt want to dilute in the telling.

One woman decided to give herself a "no decline" rule. She reasoned that with so many practical things coming in the way of sex, she would say "yes" to every invitation. "This comes out of my commitment to my partner," she said. Her partner, she said, knows her well enough to approach her in a way (and at a time) that would work for her. And she knows herself well enough to know that she can "get over the hump of _not interested_ , _distracted_ " to come back to her body and notice the sensations of sexual stirring. (Her partner, a survivor of childhood sexual assault, does not share that practice—in childhood, her entire body was a "no decline" zone.)

Make sure you do not sacrifice touch. Maintain your physical connection. Take a massage workshop together. Engaging in nonsexual touch can keep you in a physical connection while taking the pressure off. And speaking of pressure: negotiate—dont avoid, play the victim, nag, demand, or blame.

_My girlfriend and I have had numerous talks about what to do about my low sex drive and her through-the-roof sex drive, and we came up with some things that we both were willing to change in order to help the other out. For example, she wont try to have sex with me every time I kiss her goodnight, and I will try to initiate sex._

Take responsibility for your own libido. What turns you on? Buy an erotic novel, rent a DVD. Understand that there are times when you have to create sexual energy in yourself.

Take responsibility for your health as well. If you experience a sudden drop in libido, check in with your physician or other healer to make sure there isnt an organic reason for this.

You can also experiment with herbal libido support, like yohimbine, or medical solutions like testosterone patches. (See "Herbal Supplements" in chapter 2, Anatomy and Sexual Response.) Watch out—dont medicalize the normal fluctuations of desire over a lifetime. The pharmaceutical industry will be only too happy to label your changing libido a sexual dysfunction.

Real-life sexual relationships have ebbs and flows. Sex is not consistent: three times per week for the duration of your relationship. If it were, your sex life might not be nearly as interesting and varied. Observe the flow of your internal erotic life—just dont rely on it to maintain your sexual partnership.

_I am a cancer survivor and when I was going through treatment, even when I was having good days and was feeling sexual, my partner didnt want to have sex with me. I guess it was difficult to separate the disease from the person, especially because I had lost all my hair, had a tube in my chest, and while going through radiation, had burns on my skin. The issue for me was that I felt worse—because I am a sexual person and I really wanted the feeling of being intimate and was being denied that, along with everything else the disease was denying me._

#  **What? No Sex?**

_I tell her that Im always willing and able, and she tells me shes too tired and passes out and then we pretty much have to wait until we can have three hours of quality sex time._

How far should you go to stay in a relationship? Well, what are your sexual standards for satisfaction in a relationship? How important is sex to you?

Can you handle no sex for a month while one or both of you sorts out a personal issue? Is a month long enough for you to worry about your relationship?  Or is a month over the course of many years no biggie? How about six months? Or a year? Is that where you draw the line?

_I feel that she controls our sex life because she has less desire than I do._

_i have a fairly high sex drive + went out with a girl who didnt, it didnt really work out, she felt that if i kissed her i always wanted it to lead to sex (not entirly true) + i was frustrated, we broke up although not entirely over that it probably helped the feeling of "this isnt working out"_

What if you want more sex than your partner? Must "no" trump "yes" if you are to be respectful of your partners limits? Not necessarily—if you are _both_ motivated to explore what is possible between you.

You can negotiate a time out—say, a month, or even three months, during a time of inner work, after which you will revisit the matter. Be intentional about this. Support your partner in facing difficulties like recovery from sexual trauma, depression, addiction—or hormonal changes. You can allow for the "inevitable changes/challenges that face partners" 9 _and_ take care of your sexual relationship. Knowing your standards for sex in a relationship is not an excuse to abandon a partner with whom you have a shared commitment to a relationship.

But dont allow her "no sex" to preempt your sex life. Addressing this could be the most intimate and courageous conversation either of you has ever had.

You can also negotiate changes in the structure of your relationship. You may have agreed to monogamy from the outset. And over the years, monogamy may have come to mean that you refrain not only from sex with others, but from any outside sexual stimulus. You may have stopped fantasizing or even masturbating. "I have seen in my practice that many lesbian couples believe that they should, above all else, remain sexually monogamous regardless of changes in sexual satisfaction and sexual needs over time," writes Suzanne Iasenza. "In some of these couples, one partner may either consensually or in secret find alternative sexual outlets (affairs, sexual fantasy, sex clubs, paid sex, phone or Internet sex)."10

You may have reasons for staying in the relationship despite a lack of sexual satisfaction. Love, companionship, family, or economics may trump sexual satisfaction for you.

If you are staying in a relationship out of fear of loneliness or because you believe that you wont find another partner—or even because you believe you are needed to care for your partner and family—understand that this is not your lovers "fault." You are making a choice—dont blame your lover for your decision to stay with her regardless of your sexual dissatisfaction. Taking responsibility for your choice can go a long way toward easing resentment—and helping you move forward in your life.

It is your right to end a relationship because you see no possibility of sexual happiness. You are not selfish, immature, perverted, or misguided to prioritize a full and rich sex life.

#  **Find Your Passion**

Passion is energy, a specific kind of energy that you can feel in the sensations of the body. In the heightened state of falling in love, your passion is fueled by dopamine flooding your neurological system. But even after those weeks, months, or years have passed, passion is still in you.

Its a romantic myth that if youre meant to be together, the flame of your passion will never flicker—and that if sexual passion doesnt last forever, well, then there must be something wrong with the relationship. Or with you. Or your partner.

Its also a myth that the most passionate sex is spontaneous. What you most likely mean by spontaneity is that "something"—an overpowering lust—comes upon you. All other cares fall away, and you fuck fuck fuck until you and your partner are a blissed-out sweaty heap of limbs and discarded clothing.

What really _is_ that buzz? Can you describe the sensations of passion? Sexual pleasure radiating from your genitals? Your vaginal muscles vibrating with anticipation? Heat flushing your chest and face? Every hair ringing with arousal? An energy propelling you forward—as if you could come anytime, anyplace?

If you cant locate sexual passion in your sensations, can you locate your passion for something else? When was the last time you were so excited about something you couldnt sleep? Or sit still? That feeling of excitement _is_ passion, and it can be nurtured in all areas of your life.

Your capacity for sexual fire is something you cultivate. If you want to increase passion in your sexual relationship, first try increasing it in your _self_.

#  **Sexual Community**

_I once told my girlfriend I wanted to try a threesome, so she talked about it to a really good friend of ours, and one day they surprised me while in my sleep. I was freaked out, but in a good way because I enjoyed it a lot._

_One of my favorite partners and I invited my gay friend over and he photographed us while we made love for three hours. The photos were not great, but it was hot to have someone else in the room._

For many of us, sexual community provides the larger context for our erotic relationships. These are the people whose examples we learn from and to whom we pass on our expertise. In a culture where inheritance is not biological (most of us grew up in heterosexual families), our community is our legacy.

Who hears your sexual stories—victories, disappointments, frustrations, dreams? Who tells you hers—or his? Where do you go for advice? Whos got the first-hand report on the new sex party, sex toy boutique, lesbian video, or strip club? When your partner wants to try something new, whom do you talk it over with? Who helps you sort out your questions about gender and sexual identity?

What good are bragging rights if theres no one to brag to?

Think of your sexual community as a place you can go to replenish (and share) sexual energy. Hearing about others exploits can put ideas in our heads—and get us hot. Sexual community doesnt necessarily mean group sex (though that may be a perk) or that everyone has slept with everyone else.

Sexual isolation can be a problem particularly for monogamous couples and those whose sexual interests dont match up with ready-made networks, such as womens leather organizations or discussion groups for women whose partners are in the midst of gender transition. It can be difficult, too, if you are isolated geographically as well.

If you share your inner life with no one but your partner, your relationship exists in a kind of bubble world: Nothing comes in, nothing goes out, and you could suffocate for the lack of fresh air. The same holds true for your erotic inner life.

You may feel disloyal sharing the intimate details of your relationship with others. Your only model for doing so may be couples therapy—which is OK, but what if you dont need a therapist? What if what you really need is sexual community?

Im not talking about gossip or maintaining secret friendships, or keeping from your lover the nature of the inquiries you are in. I am talking about cultivating a community of people with whom you share your erotic life.

Your local sex toy boutique may be the locus of an informal community through events like book signings, classes, and workshops. You may have access to specific sex and gender communities—for instance, coming out support groups, safer-sex education projects, and BDSM organizations. There are online communities to match every possible sexual interest. Many members of email lists and discussion boards invest these venues with a great deal of trust.

Here are some ideas for reaching out—including having sex with others. Many "monogamous" couples have a negotiated nonmonogamy when it comes to sex parties and other erotic events. (Wrote one woman, "Playing with others together is great, a reminder to both of us who is number one—and a celebration of sorts.") But you dont have to have sex outside of your partnership in order to participate in community:

• Enjoy some erotic entertainment. Go to a lesbian strip show or a drag king show.

• Volunteer to teach Bondage 101 at your local community center.

• Dont skip the explicit screenings at your towns gay and lesbian film festival—take a group of friends.

• Go to a sex party. Decide in advance whether you want to attend as voyeurs, engage in open flirting, or hook up individually or as a couple. (A sex party is not a good place to bring up the subject of opening your relationship!)

• Sign on to an email discussion list—together. Read, post, and make new friends.

• Take a class or workshop.

• Arrange an afternoon with a professional dominatrix.

• Tell your friends about the new queer porn DVD you just discovered. Encourage them to do the same. Youll create a sense of community.

• Ask your friends how they would answer sex survey questions in magazines like _On Our Backs_ —or even in the womens glossies.

• Arrange a three-way—or four-, five-, or six-way. New sexual partners offer the opportunity for conversations of a kind you and your partner may not have shared in years.

• Join your local BDSM organization—get involved.

• Dont hoard—lend out your erotica collection.

• Bring out the eyebolts and invite your friends over to play. You may find that spanking your partner in the presence of another couple makes your play more fun.

• Start a book discussion group at your local gay community center or independent bookstore. You can read erotica collections, memoirs, or books on sexual and gender politics. You can organize a queer reading group, or one for lesbians, for transgendered people and friends, and so on.

I have a wonderful sex life full of laughter and pleasure. That has taken a bit of work to maintain because life intrudes. Still, my partner is beautiful and sexy, so it hasnt been too difficult.

#  **Keep It Happening**

_We have a Sunday rule. Sunday is Sexday…we have lots of sex on Sundays. It is our law. We cook a lavish breakfast of bacon and eggs on the BBQ with orange juice and freshly brewed coffee and read the papers in the sun. Then we retreat back to the bedroom for some more loving. Monday is always a joy after that!_

Your sexual partnership is your erotic playground. (If you maintain more than one sexual relationship at a time, you are playing on a big field.) Bring your creativity, sense of humor, sexiness, receptivity, aggressiveness, and love to the swing set:

 _We have this cuppa tea and mint biscuits joke that only she and I get. Dunk the choc biscuit in the hot tea and then smear it all over the nipple and then lick it off. Even just when we are fully clothed at the table having a bowl of ice cream after dinner, it is like "Shirt up, bra up please…." Yeah, you get the picture._

_One night, I asked her to pretend she was a sex doll. She couldnt move or respond or touch me. I used her however I wanted and twisted and turned her all around the bed. I fucked her like she was a plastic toy. It was wild for both of us. She didnt keep quiet for long._

_We played a game where we had to bonk every night. It lasted over ten nights._

_I frequently help my partner undress. This can involve me roughly or slowly removing all of her clothing, caressing her as shes exposed. That always leads to fun._

_We get clothes and take turns at cutting them off each other. We have a whole drawer of clothes we have made, for instance, we cut the nipples out of this one tight tee and we cut the breasts out of another one. I have cut the material out of the bras so it is just the straps, seams and underwires. We make G-strings out of cord. We get jeans and cut and cut until you are just left with some very scanty hot pants. The resulting orgasms from a night of doing these sorts of things is always mind-bogglingly amazing…._

_I feel sexy when I perform a striptease for my partner. I know she gets excited watching me put on a naughty show._

_We simply indulge in our sexual desires whenever possible. If we cant do it, we talk about it, write notes, send emails._

_One Friday night, I had left a note, a key and a map on the table for my partner when she got home. The note told her to meet me at a local hotel room. We pretended we were strangers having an illicit affair. It was very rejuvenating and naughty._

_The most important thing might be talking. We try very hard to talk to each other about what feels good, what doesnt, what we arent getting enough feedback about, either physically or verbally. The next thing is probably setting aside time for each other, time to make love, and showing lots of affection. We touch each other, kiss, look—just small signals of love that are continual reminders._

Without a doubt, we are living vibrant, diverse, richly fulfilling sex lives. We share sex filled with heat and surprise, delicious lovemaking and hard, hard fucking. We play out scenarios that would put a filmmaker to shame. We have threesomes and sex parties, sex in public and private, and adventures to stretch the limits of our imaginations. We have great partnered sex. Dont believe anyone who tries to tell you otherwise.

_I have the best sex life possible. I have wonderful diverse sex partners. a loving amazing primary partner. I feel great about myself. I have vanilla and kinky sex and everything in between. I continue to learn something every day. I dont know what more I could have other than all my sex partners in one house with a dungeon in the basement._

#  **Suggested Web Link**

"THE BIG LIE: LESBIAN BED DEATH," BY SUZANNE IASENZA, PH.D.

www.GayHealth.com

SOURCE OF QUOTES

Jack Morin, _The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Sexual Passion and Fulfillment_ (HarperPerennial, 1996), 276.

Wendy-O Matik, _Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines for Responsible Open Relationships_ (Defiant Times Press, 2002), 4-5.


Input: Write a detailed guide on breast play for women, including information on the range of sensations women can experience, techniques for stimulating breasts during masturbation, and tips for women who are sensitive to breast touch. Also, discuss the importance of communication and teaching partners how to touch your breasts, and provide suggestions for breast play techniques and toys. Finally, address nipple piercings and their effects on sensation, and mention safety precautions for certain breast play activities.

Response:
_**chapter nine**_

**Breast Play**

I like it all—rough, gentle, caressing, grabbing, pinching, sucking.
Got the picture?

OUR BREASTS OFFER A DELICIOUS RANGE OF SENSATIONS. We enjoy caresses, fluttering kisses, moist lips on nipples. We like squeezing, pinching, kneading, slapping, and nibbling. We like having our nipples tugged and bitten, pulled and twisted. We enjoy soft touches around the curves. We crave feeling our breasts nestled together with those of a partner. We relish a womans hands on our pectoral muscles. We luxuriate in voluptuous breasts overflowing our grasp and we adore pert breasts with pointed nipples teasing the palms of our hands. We delight in juicy bee-stung nipples that fill our mouths. We love hard masculine chests proudly fronting a womans body. We even like to suck a drop of colostrum from a partners nipple.

Breast play isnt only for partner sex. You can stimulate your breasts during masturbation—some women keep a set of nipple clamps by their bedside for just that purpose. Women with large breasts can even suck on their own nipples as they stimulate their clits.

Women who love breast play crave attention to their breasts, especially to the nipples. Their breasts seem to perk up at the possibility of touch, and once stimulated, they experience a current of sensation running from nipple to clit. Some women can reach orgasm from prolonged nipple stimulation alone.

As you get aroused, your nipples become erect and your areolas swell and may darken. Your breasts may seem to get larger. Like your clitoris, an aroused nipple may take a _lot_ of stimulation. You may enjoy more intense nipple play as you approach orgasm. In fact, some women must be extremely aroused to enjoy any nipple play at all.

_My nipples are extremely sensitive. I cant even wear clothing with seams there or bump against the edge of a table without feeling uncomfortable. So I have to be sexually stimulated before someone can touch them—but then I want it all, especially sucking—but not hard._

How women like their breasts and nipples touched is as individual as how they like their clits touched. Its not just a matter of whether you prefer light or hard touches, though thats important. You may be very particular about _how_ you like your breasts touched. You may like the whole breast cupped and the underside caressed and held, or perhaps dont like the undersides touched at all. Experienced breast-play aficionados can get quite specific in their instructions for nipple stimulation.

_I prefer delicate touches or licking around the nipple. Almost—but not quite—a tickling feeling. Thats great! Love it!! Mmmmmm…_

#  **Sensitivity**

_Sometimes Im very sensitive and just a gentle stroke will make me shiver or jump._

Breast sensitivity changes from day to day, over the course of your menstrual cycle, and over a lifetime. During your period, your breasts swell to their fullest and roundest—and may look quite succulent. Your breasts may be more sensitive in the days leading up to your period or during your period. Both PMS and pregnancy can make you feel as if you have "atomic tits."

New piercings, of course, will make your nipples especially tender. Fibroids can also make breast play painful. Any surgical procedure, such as a breast reduction  or breast implants, can result in scar tissue that affects sensitivity. Of course, breast cancer will affect women very individually. Some women lose sensation after treatment, while others experience pain.

_Two years after my lumpectomy, other people can hardly see the scar even when I point it out. I lost sensitivity in the nipple for a while but its back almost full-strength now. I have ongoing irregular nerve pain inside the breast tissue around where the tumor was. Pressure directly on that area of the breast hurts like hell, so positions like lying on top take care. Sometimes if I mention this to a lover she or he seems scared and then avoids touching that breast. I understand but would prefer a more careful touch and inclusion of that breast in our sex play. I loved my breasts before, and I treasure them even more now._

#  **Teach Your Partner**

_I never used to enjoy breast stimulation until I met my current partner. Perhaps no one had a soft or gentle enough touch for me…or maybe I just never allowed myself to feel what Ive felt with her._

Breast play is an area where good communication skills can pay off. A delicate kiss on an oversensitive nipple can be pleasurable or excruciating—or both. Ask before caressing, sucking, pinching, biting, or using clamps or other toys. Dont assume that if you like light, subtle touches shell like that, too—or even feel it. Or that if you like to have your chest mauled, your partner will as well.

_I enjoy having my partner lick and suck and even nibble my nipples, but I think the thing I most enjoy is having the curves of my breasts caressed._

Next time youre in the mood to entertain your partner, show her exactly what you like. Let the exhibitionist in you run wild. Touch your breasts exactly as you would have her touch you. Then take your partners hand in yours and show her what you want.

_I like rough play with my nipples. I want to be tugged and sucked and bitten and pulled and twisted, and I want more and more and then some._

Just as important as showing your partners how your breasts feel is discussing how you feel about your breasts. You cant predict breast play preferences by breast size or even gender identification. How we feel about our breasts as objects of erotic attention is extremely personal. Just as not all femmes delight in breast worship, not all butches will retreat from a hand on their breast. However, they may be very particular about the kind of attention they receive.

_I like my chest rubbed more than my nipples played with. I like it treated like a guys chest._

Not all women eroticize their breasts. Many survivors of sexual abuse find the memory of it triggered by having their breasts touched. Which makes sense—if ones breasts were the site of unwanted, harmful attention. Some survivors skip breast play entirely; others guide their partners in how they can enjoy breast play.

#  **How-Tos of Breast Play**

Here are some favorite breast play techniques:

• Lick your partners chest and underarm, working your way to her breasts.

• Experiment with a range of sensations from very light touches to very rough.

• Lick and nibble the sensitive underside of her breasts.

• Bury your face between her breasts.

• Cup the breasts in your hands, squeezing them together.

• Press her breasts into your chest.

• Lick your fingers and swirl the wetness over her nipple. Or, use a drop of lube, edible flavored lotion, or even her own juices (if you dont intend to suck her nipple again or are fluid-bonded).

• Stroke her nipple quickly and lightly, alternating with sharp pinches.

• Blow air on her moist nipple.

• Roll a nipple between your fingers. Lick and suck the tip as you would her clit.

• Squeeze her breasts together and lick both nipples simultaneously.

• Pinch and squeeze the nipples between thumb and forefinger.

• Grab a pair of nipple clamps to stimulate her breasts, leaving your hands free for other things.

• Rub your vulva over her breasts; or rub your nipple on her clit after orgasm.

• Turn a blow job into breast play. "Tit fucking" neednt be reserved for heterosexual porn. After shes sucked your strapped-on cock, slip your saliva-lubed cock between her breasts and thrust inside her cleavage. You can slide your cock back and forth between her breasts as she sucks.

#  **Nipple Piercings**

_My piercings make my nipples one of my main sources of sexual pleasure. I can come from just nipple play._

Nipple piercings can make breast play even more deliciously erotic. Not only are the rings and barbells attractive and fun to play with, many women even find that their nipples become extra sensitive after they get piercings.

Nipple piercings can take several months to heal. New piercings can be quite raw. Theyre also vulnerable to infection. So, if youre playing with someone who has a piercing, make sure you ask how recently she got it. Ask your partner how her piercing affects nipple sensation, too—some women lose nipple sensitivity as a result of scar tissue forming at the point of entry.

_I like when she wakes me up in the morning
by suckling my nipple. My lover can make me
orgasm just from stimulating my breasts._

#  **Toys for Breast Play**

You may not ordinarily think of your clothes as sex toys, but lingerie and fetish wear are popular erotic playthings—especially for the exhibitionist. Delicate structures of lace that emphasize the shape of the breast, corsets that enhance cleavage, brassieres with holes where nipples can peek through, leather harnesses, and chain-mail halters—all are designed to draw the eye to your breasts.

Bondage enthusiasts can create elaborate corsets of rope as beautiful and alluring as any garment you can find. Breast bondage is especially fun with large-breasted women. Wrap thick, soft rope around each breast and then in a figure eight linking the breasts. All bondage safety precautions apply: _Do not_ use thin wire or string that can cut, _do not_ wrap rope tightly enough to cut off circulation, and _do_ make sure you have safety scissors handy in case of emergency.

For sensual breast play, you can experiment with feather boas, fur mitts, battery-operated vibrators, light slappers, and soft whips. You can play with suction toys, such as tit pumps and snakebite kits. You can create a range of sensations by altering skin temperature through the use of ice cubes, mentholated cough drops, Tiger Balm, and hot wax. You can produce ecstatic (or excruciating) sensations with fingernails, feathers, slip-on talons, and even the neuro wheel your chiropractor uses to test your reflexes.

Nipple clamps are perhaps the most popular toy for breast play. Clamps come in a range of styles and intensity, from barely hugging the nipple to biting hard enough to leave teeth marks. Some are adjustable. Homemade substitutes for tit clamps include clothespins and clips you may find in an office supply store.

_When my lover sucks and pulls my breasts,
I sometimes like to imagine that Im restrained
by some kind of device that holds my nipples
as people explore my body. God, I love that._

Examine the clasp or teeth of the clips—some are sharp enough to draw blood, so choose accordingly. Clamps can be placed directly on the nipple—which is very intense. You might want to experiment with new clamps on your _own_ breasts to gauge their intensity. Pinch a small amount of skin on the side of the breast or even on the areola—see how much sensation you like.

_I like nipple clips. I like to wear them pretty tight for about ten minutes, have them taken off, and then have my nipples rubbed, licked, and sucked on._

Clamps restrict the flow of blood to the pinched tissue. After a little while, the pinching sensation fades as the area goes numb. When the clamp is yanked off, blood rushes back into the area, waking up the nerves. No wonder that clamps hurt _more_ when they come off than when they go on. ( _Do not_ leave clamps on for more than 20 to 30 minutes, to avoid damaging tissue.)

Many of the toys used in sensual breast play can be intensified for those who like true torture. The temperature of melted wax can be controlled by adjusting the distance of the candle from the body. Holding a burning candle inches from your partners nipples will result in searing drops of wax. Temporary piercings with sterile needles will produce very intense sensations. Some womens breasts bruise very easily, which may or may not be desired. Ask before you swing a cane or rubber flogger. (For more information, see chapter 15, Play Nice! (…or Else) and chapter 17, Sex Toys and Accoutrements.)