Input:
 Title: "Mastering the Art of Topping: Tips and Techniques for Dominants"

Prompt:

Write an informative guide for novice tops, including the following elements:

1. The importance of preparation and fantasy building before a scene.
2. Strategies for avoiding over-planning and under-planning, such as creating an outline of possible activities.
3. The role of a beginning ritual in establishing a sexy, susceptible headspace for both parties.
4. Tips for staying in control and building momentum, including the art of escalation.
5. Techniques for handling impromptu inspiration and cases of "blank-paperitis" during a scene.
6. The importance of keeping the energy going in a scene, and tips for doing so in both nurturing and nonconsent scenarios.
7. The delicate balance of giving clear, forceful directions without relinquishing control.
8. Strategies for gathering information from the bottom without breaking the scene's energy, such as verbal cues and nonverbal signals.
9. The role of support and encouragement in a scene, and ways to offer it without breaking character.
10. Suggestions for checking in with the bottom during a scene, such as the "two squeezes" check-in method.
11. Tips for calibrating a bottom's responses and using a "one to ten" strategy when playing with a new bottom or new toy.
12. The risks and responsibilities involved when a bottom enters "The Forever Place" or becomes a "bottomless pit."
13. The importance of closure in ending a scene, and tips for achieving a smooth closure.
14. The need for winding down and decompression time after a scene, and suggestions for activities to help both parties return to a functional mental state.

Response:
9

GO!

All the negotiation, planning, scheming and fantasizing in the world never quite prepare you for that moment when youre standing there, face to face with the bottom of your dreams, who is breathing a little bit fast and looking at you with an expectant gleam in his or her eyes. Omigod… now what am I supposed to do?

We suggest that before you get to that critical moment, you spend a little (or a lot of ) time thinking your scene through. Try to build a fantasy around the person youre playing with and the kind of scene youve agreed to play. (Janet likes to do this while masturbating.) This doesnt have to be a narrative-type fantasy with plots and dialogue unless you want it to be – maybe your fantasy is about a particular energy or activity. Be as far out as you like in your fantasy; you can always revise later when you bring the fantasy into reality.

That fantasy will be the core of the scene you do together. We guarantee that the scene will not go exactly the way it did in your fantasy… reality is never that willing to conform to our expectations. But if your fantasy has your gorgeous captive first kissing your boots, then getting trussed up like a Christmas turkey, then getting flogged and fucked, you have at least an outline for your scene.

Dont script too tightly. If your satisfaction in this scene depends on your bottom saying certain words, or resisting in just the right manner, youd better make sure she knows it, or she is very likely to react the wrong way:

> As part of a public demonstration, Janet, as the sadistic butch prison warden, was threatening Dossie, as the innocent and wrongly imprisoned "good girl," with a cavity search. It would have been very inappropriate to actually do a cavity search in front of an audience of strangers, so Janet assumed that Dossie would resist, thus giving The Warden an excuse to punish The Girl. Unfortunately, she forgot to mention this plan to Dossie, who got deeply enough into the role that it didnt occur to her to refuse – leaving Janet standing there with a glob of lube on her gloved finger and a foolish expression on her face, frantically trying to signal Dossie that she should please for heavens sake resist so they could get on with the scene.

Janet made the mistake of overplanning – of making the scene dependent on the bottoms reaction, without ensuring that the bottom would react the way she needed. If you want your bottom to resist, to capitulate, to beg or to struggle, youd better make that desire clear up front or youre likely to get stuck improvising in ways that might not work for either of you.

On the other hand, underplanning – going into a scene with no idea of what youre going to do or what sequence youre going to do it in – is a surefire recipe for what Dossie calls "blank-paperitis," that brain-dead feeling when you look at the bottom and cant begin to imagine what might be a good thing to do next.

We like to go into a scene with an "outline" of possible activities – a menu that we can move through or skip around or even ignore if we think of something better to do, but thats always there to fall back on if we feel stuck. Janet likes to plan an outline with two or three times as many items on it as she could ever actually do in a single scene, so she has plenty of choices and can go with the flow of her own energy and the bottoms reactions.

WHAT DO YOU DO FIRST?

Well, first you panic – at least a little. This is the challenging point. But have courage. Remember, we have faith in you.

In the beginning, your job is to get both yourself and your bottom into a sexy, susceptible headspace: a space in which you are powerful and terrible, and he is malleable and helpless before your implacable will.

We find that its a good idea to start a scene with some sort of ritual that defines the beginning of the scene and starts to get everybody turned on. A hug is good for scenes that have a nurturing, connected feeling. For a slave-type scene, you can have a ritual of putting on the bottoms collar: many tops like to have their bottoms kneel at their feet and kiss the collar before it is placed around the bottoms neck. Touching the bottoms shoulders, back or neck establishes connection in a relaxed and soothing way. Simply standing the bottom a few feet away and having her hold quite still, with eyes lowered, and then turn around slowly – while you examine every inch of her body, your eyes burning with lust – can be a hot beginning. Janet sometimes likes to have the bottom leave the room and come back in, with the understanding that once she re-enters the room, the scene has begun. Putting on some bondage can be a good start for many scenes. In other words, just about any beginning can work, as long as it serves the dual purpose of connecting you and your partner and turning you on.

GETTING YOURSELF TURNED ON. If youre lucky, youll already be turned on and feeling like the King or Queen of Hell before you begin – but neither of us is usually that lucky; we usually have to do something to get turned on and into top space.

Is there something physical that you know turns you on, makes you feel toppy? Janet feels toppy when someone kneels in front of her and sucks her nipples. Do you like having your boots kissed? Your feet rubbed? Is there a name you like to be called? Tell your bottom how to do what you like; be specific. Hell start to feel submissive and under your control, and youll start to get turned on.

Sometimes you can convince yourself that youre a top simply by acting like one. Be bossy, be forceful – its okay if it doesnt feel "natural" at first; imitate your favorite movie villain, or a top whose style youve admired at parties. As you start to act like a top, youll probably start to feel a little excited. And the more turned on you feel, the more natural the topping will seem, and the more turned on youll get, so youll do more, and get more turned on, and…

Your bottom will notice your arousal and your toppiness and start to get turned on, too, and will add his energy to the drama youre building. And before you know it, there youll both be – nicely in role, wildly excited and having an absolutely wonderful time.

BUILDING. Once youve established scene space with a proper beginning, you can start building some momentum. For most scenes, you want to begin slowly and build gradually. (Interrogation, terror and punishment scenes can be exceptions.) If youre playing with sensation, start with the gentlest – sensual stroking or erotic pinching, or some slow-building strokes from a nice soft thuddy flogger. If your scene is more about domination and control, you may want to start with some orders that you know the bottom will not find too intense (either too demanding or too rewarding) – some posture training, say, or an order for the bottom to lightly stimulate you to get you in the mood. Save the really difficult tasks for later when the bottom is "warmed up" and deeply into role, and the activities you know she really loves as a reward for doing the difficult ones.

Escalate slowly. If youve started with your softest mellowest flogger, step up to something a bit heavier. Add a bit more bondage to restrict your captives movement a little more. Start getting a bit pickier about how your commands are carried out. Challenge your bottom by requiring him to do something that requires concentration as he accepts increasing stimulation. (Janet once played with a top who required that she address him by obscene names, each one different, as he caned her: "One, thank you, dickhead! Two, thank you, fuckwad! Three, thank you, shitfor-brains!")

You dont have to continue to escalate; one of the arts of topping is to take the bottom right up to the edge where she thinks she cant stand it any more, then back off for a while and do something nicer, then go up to that same place and perhaps a little beyond, then back off again…

IMPULSE TOPPING. Occasionally, while partway into a scene that youve planned carefully, youll be struck by a sudden inspiration. Following your instinct at such a moment can be risky, particularly if the bottom is expecting something different. But, if your inspiration isnt a limit for the bottom, it may turn out to be your intuition guiding you toward something wonderful; some of our best moments in scene have been impromptu impulses of this kind.

On the other hand, sometimes youll come up totally dry – with a bad case of the "blank-paperitis" we mentioned earlier. A good strategy here is to do whatever worked last time, or, if youre in the middle of a scene, you can backtrack to do some more of whatever was working well earlier: theres no rule against more of a good thing.

One top we know taught us another excellent strategy for this moment: do nothing. Simply stop and re-center yourself. Take a deep breath or two. Look at yourself and your bottom. Wait. Inspiration will come. The bottom isnt going anywhere. This can seem like a very long moment, but really, its usually only a minute or so… and many bottoms love suspense.

KEEPING IT GOING

Good tops are full of all kinds of sneaky ways to keep a scene going without breaking its energy.

A lot of the ideas well talk about in this section fall into two categories: ways to keep the energy going in a scene that is supportive and nurturing, and ways to accomplish the same goal in a scene thats harsh and is built around a fantasy of nonconsent. In both cases, youre trying to do the same things – to get support and information for yourself and to provide support and encouragement for your bottom – but the way that you accomplish those goals will depend on what role youre playing.

TAKING CONTROL. An important thing to remember is that your goal is to "turn off your bottoms brain" – to enable her to melt into a malleable, will-less state of arousal and hypersensuality. The more control, verbal and physical, that you exert, the easier it will be for your bottom to relinquish control to you.

Its a good idea to offer your bottom as few choices as possible. "Lie down on the bed" is not such a great order, because it leaves too many questions open in the bottoms mind. "Lie down on the bed, face down, with your head facing the headboard, your legs together and your arms outspread" is better.

You may still want to offer your bottom choices as part of a head trip – "Six with the cane or 50 with the flogger? You choose." But do so intentionally, and make it clear that youre offering the choice not because youre floundering but because you enjoy seeing the bottom struggle with the decision.

It can work very well to take control of a bottom in a physical way as well: pushing, grabbing, dragging, holding down. We did a scene that played with this sense of physical control:

> Dossie was a recently captured slavegirl in a country where she didnt speak the language; Janet was a new owner who wasnt the talkative type. While Dossie begged, whined, offered bribes, fumed and refused, Janet simply physically forced her (with a little help from a few floggers and canes and paddles) to kneel, to dance, to suck Janets breasts, to masturbate, and other critical "slave skills." For a couple of verbalists like us, it was a fabulously freeing scene – Dossie couldnt talk her way out of it, and Janet found herself able to be physically rough, with hairpulling, shoving, armtwisting and so on, in a way thats usually difficult for her.

Giving clear, forceful directions can be difficult for many tops, perhaps especially women, who are culturally enjoined against being directive. An exercise Janet teaches in her workshops for novice female dominants is to have the bottoms rub their mistresses feet as the mistresses give specific directions about where to rub, how hard and in what rhythm. Although this exercise may sound simple, it is difficult for many attendees. If you have trouble giving orders, it might be a good way for you to practice this important skill.

ASKING FOR DIRECTION. While the fantasy of much BDSM is that the top is taking his or her pleasure without regard to what the bottom wants, the reality is that youre doing this for mutual enjoyment – and you cant attain mutual enjoyment without some guidance from your bottom about what he is enjoying. But most bottoms dont like to feel like theyre running the scene: if they wanted to run scenes, theyd be tops. So you need to figure out ways to get the information you need without seeming to relinquish control.

The ritual of requiring the bottom to kiss the whip or other implement is really a script for consent. The threat builds anticipation while giving the bottom an opportunity to voice any concerns. Others enjoy having the bottom choose which toy he wants to experience; we know one who likes to lay out all his toys, then tell his bottom, "Bring me one item to give you pain and one to give you pleasure."

Other ways of asking for direction are verbal – and in these, tone of voice and turn of phrase matter a lot. You know and we know that the sentences "Id like to cane you now, would that be OK?" and "Youre about to get a caning youll never forget, you little slut" really mean pretty much the same thing, but they certainly dont feel the same to your bottom.

The trick to asking for direction from top space is to phrase the request in such a way that it sounds like youre demanding it for your own pleasure, not fumbling around trying to figure out what will please your bottom.

HOW TO BE SUPPORTIVE. Bottoms need a lot of support when theyre doing their thing, and, depending on the flavor of scene youre doing, there are a lot of different ways you can offer it.

If a bottom is doing something intense and difficult to please you, she deserves and needs praise. If your scene has a nurturing tone, you simply may want to offer that praise: "Im proud of you" or "You took that really well" or "You look so beautiful doing that." On the other hand, very few interrogators compliment their victims on how well they take their torture. So if youre role-playing a scene of nonconsent or harshness, you have to be more subtle – but a muttered comment about the stubbornness of this particular victim accomplishes the same goal without breaking role: "Ah, she has spirit, I like that! More to break."

A particularly devious top trick is to use the lowered boundaries of scene space to "implant" messages of self-esteem. Weve done a couple of scenes together in which Janet is a schoolmistressy authority figure and Dossie is a young girl; Janet enjoys telling Dossie that "a pretty little thing like you is going to be very popular with the big girls around here" – creating a nice sense of dread as she builds Dossies mental self-image.

It can also be very helpful to "coach" your bottom through the tough parts by reminding him or her to do things like breathe and relax, kind of like a labor coach in childbirth. If youre being a supportive top, you can simply tell your bottom what you want her to do: "breathe along with me" or "relax your butt muscles" or "listen to the music." If youre being a mean top, you may have to get a little more creative. "I want to hear you scream" accomplishes the same goal as reminding your partner to breathe (it takes oxygen to scream), but sends shivers up the spine in a totally different way. You can also order your bottom to do something like relaxing her muscles, with appropriate penalties if she tenses up.

CHECKING IN. Since bottoms occasionally forget how to safeword for one reason or another, we think its a good idea for a top to have a mechanism she can use to "check in" to make sure that everythings still basically OK.

Many people check in verbally. "Still with me?" or "Do you remember your safeword?" are easy and readily understandable. However, they can be inappropriate for some scenes (prison guards rarely ask their victims if theyre enjoying themselves), plus bottoms can sometimes get too nonverbal to respond properly.

In his book SM 101: A Realistic Introduction, Jay Wiseman suggests the "two squeezes" check-in: the top takes hold of some part of the bottoms body (often the hand) and gives it two firm squeezes. The bottom lets the top know that shes OK by taking hold of some part of the tops body and giving it two squeezes back. If the top doesnt get the two return squeezes, he tries once again; if the squeezes still arent forthcoming, he assumes that somethings wrong and that its time to break role and talk.

Other forms of check-in are physical: looking for welts to make sure the whip is landing in the right places, watching for changes in breathing or sound, feeling bound hands and feet to make sure theyre still warm and getting enough circulation. Such check-ins also get you close to your bottoms body, which he usually doesnt mind.

CALIBRATING YOUR BOTTOM. Many tops, when playing for the first time with a new bottom (or with a new toy on a long-time bottom), use some variant of a "one to ten" strategy. Usually, the top gives the bottom a very gentle stimulus and says, "That was a one on a scale of one to ten. When youre ready for another one, say a number that tells me how intense you want it." The top spends several minutes letting the bottom "call the shots" in this way, learning about the bottoms reactions as she goes. Eventually, when the bottom seems to be getting a little bored, the top says, "If youre ready to stop calling numbers and let me decide force and timing on my own, let me know." The bottom can go on one-to-tenning for as long as he needs to feel comfortable, and the top gets a good idea of how well the bottom can handle this particular sensation.

BOTTOMLESS PITS AND "THE FOREVER PLACE." Sometimes, a bottom will get so endorphined out or go under so deeply that she feels like she just wants to go on doing this forever and ever and ever. A bottom who is in this condition will not be able to tell you if you are doing damage to her body or mind. She may go very still, no longer struggling or making noise – this can be scary if youre not ready for it. Or she may still be moaning and crying, but be unable to respond to simple questions or orders. Or she may seem fine – Dossie grins and giggles, appearing deceptively on top of it all, while Janet chatters nonchalantly.

If your bottom goes into "The Forever Place," that places an extra burden of responsibility on you; she has no judgment, so you have to provide enough for both of you. Keep an extra-close eye on physical signals like welts, bruises, abrasions and blisters, and watch for dizziness, trembling and nausea (all signs that the bottom is beginning to "overload" and may be on the verge of fainting). Be ultra-respectful of the limits the two of you agreed on beforehand: a bottom in "The Forever Place" may be absolutely thrilled to see the brass knuckles that she said "absolutely not" to, but that doesnt make it OK to use them – such a bottoms consent is no longer very meaningful.

Bottoms who never seem to get enough are called, somewhat ruefully, "bottomless pits." Such bottoms can be frustrating for a top, because you can wear yourself to a sweating panting frazzle and still get a wistful "Are we done already?" for your trouble. Some tops like to keep one or more very intense toys or techniques for use in convincing the bottom who thinks she can never get enough.

Dossie remembers a public performance she once gave:

> In the early 80s, two other women and I produced an erotic performance, the first public S/M demonstration in San Francisco woman-space as far as I know. We staged a kidnapping of a "random" victim from the audience (actually my lover), and made a big point of establishing consent so the audience wouldnt freak out – including having my "victim" select the whip I would beat her with, which was a relatively gentle braided cat. We had planned a counting scene for a birthday beating, in which she was supposed to control the length and intensity of the beating by counting strokes at the number she was comfortable with… so the scene started out "one – whack – two – whack – three – whack – three – whack – three – whack" and so on. Our agreement was that when we got close to her birthday age, I would hit her as hard as she liked and end at 33. Well, she got into the Forever Place and forgot she was supposed to want to stop, and kept counting "30, 30, 30." I couldnt get her attention, and I couldnt very well break the rules of play I had so carefully established, so eventually I had to give up, announce that she had won, congratulate her and escort her off the stage, hoping nobody would notice me shushing her when she wanted to know why I had stopped when it was feeling so good.

CLOSURE. Ending the scene is one of the most important factors in helping make sure you and your bottom will both remember the scene fondly later. A sudden, unexpected or clumsy ending can take all the joy out of a scene thats been pretty nice up until that moment.

Ending a scene takes place in three parts: preparation, closure and aftercare. During the preparation stage, while youre still actually playing, you need to signal to the bottom that the scene will end soon, so he can begin to come back into the real world and pull himself or herself together. Dossie likes to pick out a fairly heavy toy such as a cane, show it to the bottom, and ask the bottom to pick how many heavy strokes between one and ten (or 20, or 50) he is ready to take before ending the scene.

If your scene is more about control than sensation, you may want to give the bottom a particularly difficult task – "repeat the following phrase 100 times, without error, while acting as my footstool" – with the understanding that the scene will end when he completes the task to your satisfaction. You can string something like this out according to your own judgment by choosing how picky you want to get about what constitutes successful completion of the task.

Janet remembers:

> I was doing an ageplay scene in which I was a very naughty nine-year-old girl and my Daddy, having spanked me thoroughly, was making me write a letter of apology to the principal of my school. I was so completely in role that my handwriting was the Palmer cursive which was taught to children when I was young (and with which I had struggled in great frustration in grade school). As he rejected one draft after another – too messy, too short, not apologetic enough – I sank deeper and deeper into role, and got more and more frustrated with my poor handwriting. Fortunately, he saw that I was growing genuinely upset, and chose that moment to "accept" my latest draft – even though it was not as good as some of the previous ones.

The main thing to remember about closure is to avoid suddenness. Withdrawing from your bottom while shes still floating around out in bottom space is clumsy and unkind, and can feel like a dreadful abandonment. Give your partner plenty of warning, in whatever way works for both of you, that the scene is drawing to an end.

WINDING DOWN. After the formal scene is over, most players want and need some decompression time – hugging, cuddling, talking, dozing, eating, showering, whatever it takes to stabilize both of you back in the real world. (We offered a fairly lengthy set of suggestions for decompression in The New Bottoming Book.) Its not a good idea to let your bottom attempt complex or dangerous tasks right after a scene, when he may still be endorphined out and perhaps still in suggestible bottom space.

An S/M scene is not over until both (or all) of you have returned to the real world, to a more or less functional mental state, intimately connected and happy as clams, albeit perhaps a little stupid. This is a good time to relax and enjoy the connection. Some traditions have it that after a scene the bottom should scurry about and clean up the toys, but we prefer to wait until the bottom is recovered enough to do so without breaking anything. We like to respect and enjoy the general incompetence of warm fuzzy endorphined-out bottoms, and share in that state ourselves.

So invest some time in snuggling, sharing something to eat or drink, perhaps a warm bath (hot tubs are great for this!). You can rub any sore muscles, or have your bottom rub yours. Putting icepacks on bruises, brushing hair, washing any body parts that might have gotten sticky – grooming behaviors feel good here, and are a nice way to indicate caring nurturance.

Sometimes, especially after a particularly intense scene when youve been a very good top, your bottom may need support in returning to normal consciousness. If your bottom spaces out and you feel like you cant quite reach him or her, stay close and in physical contact. If you stay connected, you can probably enjoy the spaced-out feeling too. Allow a little time. Call the person by name; Dossie likes to blow in her ear. Touch her firmly, rub muscles, and gently move joints. A glass of water or something to eat is always grounding. Ask about the journey – talking gets us back in our heads – and welcome your friend back. Remember, if your bottom goes very far out its probably because you were a very good top.

And how about you? How do you return to normal consciousness after youve been playing God? Its a mistake to think that aftercare is offered for the bottoms sake only. Many tops need this kind of warmth and reassurance as well, to remind them that theyre not really the mean nasty horrible bullies they were acting like just a few minutes before. And you probably dont want to try running a staff meeting or driving the Indy 500 right after a scene, either; tops get endorphin-y, too, and bossy top energy – which can be a problem in the real world – cant be turned off like a faucet.

So share the cool-down cycle with your bottom. Luxuriate. If theres something you like after a scene, let your bottom know, and help your bottom take care of you. If your orgasm is scheduled for after the scene, check in with your bottom to make sure she has recovered enough to make love to you with all the energy and focus youve been looking forward to – youll get the best treatment if youre not in a hurry. Remember, youre playing with someone you like (at least we hope you are!); take the time to enjoy her company as you float gently back to reality.


Input:
Title: "Navigating Scene Mishaps: Emotional and Physical Challenges in BDSM Play"

Prompt: Write a guide for BDSM practitioners, focusing on how to handle unexpected emotional and physical mishaps during a scene. Include the following elements:

1. The importance of taking risks in BDSM and the inevitability of occasional scene mishaps.
2. Emotional glitches, such as panic, anger, grief, or regression, and their potential causes, including flashbacks, role confusion, and real-world emotions infiltrating scene space.
3. Strategies for minimizing the frequency of emotional mishaps, including honesty about one's background and belief system and avoiding triggers related to past traumas.
4. Signs of emotional freak-outs, such as sudden changes in response or an inability to use a safeword, and the importance of asking the bottom directly about their emotional state.
5. Techniques for handling emotional mishaps, including getting out of role, removing bondage, providing warmth, and allowing the bottom to come back at their own pace.
6. The possibility of emotional mishaps requiring professional therapy and the importance of emotional support during this process.
7. Physical mishaps, such as off-target strokes, clamps on tender nerves, heart attacks, and seizures, and the importance of acknowledging mistakes during a scene.
8. Strategies for handling physical mishaps depending on the flavor of the scene, including comforting touches, apologizing, or using role-appropriate language.
9. The responsibility of a top to take care of a bottom's well-being during a scene, including providing first aid and cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) if necessary.
10. Outside-world emergencies, such as interruptions by non-scene folks, natural disasters, or power outages, and the importance of being prepared to handle these situations.
11. Aftershocks, such as feelings of guilt, shame, horror, and top drop, and the importance of self-reassurance, respect for limits and safety, and seeking support from friends or a therapist.

Response:
10

AND IF IT DOESNT GO THE WAY YOU PLANNED?

We believe that if you never ever ever have a scene go haywire, with unexpected physical or emotional consequences, you may not be taking enough risks. After all, the reason most of us do S/M is to explore territories that we find a little risky and challenging; if youre sticking so close to the center of the trail that you never get lost in the woods, you may want to reconsider your pathway.

The standard by which tops should be judged isnt in whether their scenes ever go wrong (within, of course, basic standards of safety and consent); its in how well they handle it when things do go wrong. So lets talk a bit about the kinds of things that cause problems in scenes, and how you can handle them when they come up.

EMOTIONAL GLITCHES. In our experience, by far the most common scene mishap is an unforeseen emotional reaction on the part of a participant – panic, anger, grief, regression or other intense emotion. Freak-outs happen for a variety of reasons: flashbacks to buried memories of abuse or trauma; one or another partner "forgetting" that the scene is supposed to be playful and consensual, and getting the role and the reality confused; real-world emotion inadvertently sneaking into scene space: the possibilities are manifold.

There is no way to reliably prevent emotional mishaps, but there are ways to minimize their frequency. Nobody knows themselves well enough to predict all their own reactions and hot buttons, but telling your partner about aspects of your background or belief system will help him or her to steer clear or navigate cautiously. (Yes, were off on that old honesty thing again.) Similarly, you should try to play with people who you trust to share this kind of information openly with you, so you dont cavalierly snap your snazzy new Smith and Wesson handcuffs onto someone who was recently brutalized by an abusive cop. (This doesnt mean you should never play around someones traumas, but it does mean you should do so only with proper negotiation, safeguards and cautions – see Chapter 14 for more information.)

Still, with all the good intentions and good negotiations in the world, freak-outs will happen. And your first challenge as a top is to figure out when theyre happening, which may not always be as easy as it seems. Someone whos freaking out may be unable to use their safeword, so you cant rely on that signpost. A sudden and dramatic change in response – when someone whos been thrashing and screaming suddenly gets quiet and still, or someone whos been acting happy and turned on suddenly begins to cry or struggle – is cause for concern. So is an unwillingness or inability to respond to simple questions or directions. A freak-out may be subtler than that… Janet remembers:

> I was doing a scene with a regular but still fairly new play partner – basically a straightforward cock &ball torture scene, although wed been discussing beforehand his fantasy about being a captive soldier getting tortured by an Indian maiden. Things were going along fine for an hour or so. I noticed at one point, though, that he had turned his head so that we were no longer making eye contact, and he didnt seem to be talking much. I asked, "Are you still with me?" and he responded in sort of an odd voice, "Im not sure…" so I got him out of the bondage fast. Later, he explained that the fantasy had started to seem real to him – he was really beginning to believe that he was going to be tortured slowly to death – and that any safewords or similar communication would have been perceived by his "torturer" as a sign of weakness, so all he dared do was turn his head and hope that if it really was still me, Id notice.

Unfortunately, most of the signs that something has gone wrong can, under other circumstances or with other bottoms, be signs that everything is going exactly right: some bottoms love to cry in scene, and a bottom whos left his or her body in bliss acts pretty much like one whos withdrawn in terror. So to find out whats going on, you have to ask.

First, try one of the check-ins we mentioned in the previous chapter. If your bottom cant or wont respond, you should probably assume that hes in trouble.

Your strategy now will be a stronger version of the decompression you use at the end of a scene. First, get out of role yourself – your bottom doesnt need a schoolmistress right now, he needs a friend. Quickly and calmly remove any bondage or restraints; find out if he wants any scene symbols such as collars removed – some bottoms want them off right away, while others may feel rejected and abandoned if you remove them. Make sure he is physically warm – being wrapped in a cozy blanket feels very good to someone whos feeling emotionally chaotic.

Then, just put your arms around your partner and wait. Dont try to initiate conversation at first unless he seems to want to talk; let your bottom come back from whatever scary or angry or sad place hes in at an appropriate pace. It may be difficult at this point to suppress your own need for reassurance – you may, quite understandably, be feeling very scared and guilty – but now isnt the time to take care of you, its the time to take care of your bottom. Later, when he is feeling better, you can get some support for yourself.

As the bottom starts to come back, he may want to talk about what went wrong, or he may just want to be taken care of some more. Supplying a snack to elevate blood sugar and a beverage to rehydrate is very smart. He might want to be put to bed to sleep off the stress of the freak-out, or to be given a nice warm bath.

In a few cases, the bottom may have gone into an angry enough place that he isnt able to accept touch or conversation or nurturing from you at all. This will probably be very difficult for you to handle without tapping into anger or defensiveness of your own. Leave the room for a while if necessary and let your bottom work through the anger solo; dont push limits here. After a while, you can check in and see if he is calmed down a bit and ready to accept some help from you.

It is possible that an emotional mishap in scene may open up an old wound that is deep enough to require professional help from a therapist. While we do not believe that you have an obligation to help with the financial burdens of such therapy, we think its appropriate for you to be as emotionally supportive as possible for a friend who is doing this difficult work.

PHYSICAL MISHAPS. Unless you have aim like Annie Oakleys and you play only with bottoms who are in perfect health, it is reasonable to be prepared for physical problems to come up during your scene. These may range from strokes that land off-target or clamps that get placed on tender nerves to heart attacks and seizures.

If the physical problem is due to a mistake of yours, the way to handle it depends on the flavor of the scene youre playing. Its imperative, though, that you acknowledge the mistake somehow – if the bottom thinks youre not aware that you goofed, she will start to wonder what else youre not noticing, and to withdraw trust from you.

If youre simply exploring sensations together, theres nothing at all wrong with saying "Oops!" or "Sorry!" But if youre supposed to be an all-knowing mistress or a terrifying interrogator, this wont cut it. Sometimes, simply putting your hand on the place where the mistake happened and giving a quick comforting rub is enough to let the bottom know that youre aware things didnt feel the way they were supposed to. If youre really playing a mean role, you might try a phrase like "Yes, that did hurt, didnt it?" (Maniacal laughter is optional.)

If you make too many mistakes, or theyre too serious, the bottom may want to stop the scene – and who can blame her? Spend a lot of time with this bottom deciding how to process your mistakes and whether or not to use this technique again, today or ever. Then get in a lot of practice time with the technique, on yourself or on an inanimate object, so you dont make so many mistakes next time.

If the mistake is such that it requires first aid, dont try to stay in role – stop the scene and get your first aid kit. The two of you can decide together whether or not to resume the scene from where you left off.

Remember, the unwritten contract you make when you agree to top someone is that you will take care of her well-being as well as your own for the duration of the scene – if she gets sick or hurt, youre in charge, and good tops take that responsibility seriously. Very rarely, you will encounter a genuine physical emergency in your scene: common ones include nausea and/or vomiting, faints and falls; less common ones (thank heavens!) include seizures and heart attacks. A responsible top is prepared for these emergencies.

Dont put someone into standing bondage unless you know how you would get her down if she became faint – this is not too rare an occurrence. Panic snaps and winches can help. Keep appropriate shears, scissors or a knife at arms reach so that you can cut a sick person out of her bondage in no more than 30 seconds to a minute. Know the location and phone number of your nearest emergency room. We also strongly encourage you to get proper first aid and cardiopulmonary resuscitation training. Some major urban areas offer pervert-only first aid and CPR training, but even if yours doesnt, contact the Red Cross and take one or more of their regular classes.

OUTSIDE-WORLD EMERGENCIES. We know of one scene in which the top, a professional dominant, had her client tied in elaborate spiderweb bondage to a table, with a big glass mirror suspended overhead so he could see his own helplessness. Both the top and the bottom shortly had the opportunity to explore more helplessness than theyd bargained for – the Loma Prieta quake hit, the mirror began to lurch back and forth, and the lights went out. (Both of them got out okay – but we hear that the pro-dommes playroom now features a Mylar mirror overhead, a blackout light in the outlet, and a pair of paramedic shears hanging on the wall.)

The outside world doesnt always cooperate with your desire for a quiet, intense, uninterrupted scene, and a competent top is aware that reality sneaks up on us in unpredictable ways. Outside-world problems range from interruptions by non-scene folks – kids, parents, housemates, neighbors and so on – through "acts of god/dess" like fires, storms, earthquakes and power outages.

If your scene gets interrupted by a person, some quick explanations are in order. A child who walks in on his or her parents scene can often be reassured with a comparison to childhood games such as cowboys and Indians. The neighborhood cop, however, may need some serious briefing on basic standards of consent, and a lot of assurance that what hes seeing isnt abusive or assaultive behavior. Kidnap and similar scenes occasionally get interrupted by well-meaning onlookers – try to do your scene in a way that avoids this problem, since you dont want someone genuinely attacking you thinking theyre heroically saving your bottom from criminal assault.

If the interruption is on a less personal basis – say, Hurricane Dora – youll have to think and act fast and accurately. Be prepared to undo bondage, and have clothing available for yourself and your bottom. Remember, your bottom has entrusted his wellbeing to you.

AFTERSHOCKS (NOT THE SEISMIC KIND)

When you return to everyday awareness after even a very good scene, you could get a little shocked. What did you just do? Was it all right? Many tops experience feelings of guilt, shame and horror that we could get so turned on, and so satisfied, by doing such awful things. You may need to reassure yourself that you are really an okay person, and that you have perfectly functional boundaries to your dark side. Let your bottom help you with this: she, after all, is eroticized to your nastiness, and in a good position to reassure you that the scene was consensual, safe, satisfying to the bottom, and just plain hot.

Anywhere from a few minutes to a day or two after a big scene, some tops experience "top drop." You may feel down in the dumps, inadequate, like maybe the scene really wasnt as hot as you thought it was – sometimes being a successful top can pose a major challenge to the maintenance of low self-esteem, so whatever part of you is responsible for maintaining your self-doubt may feel a need to be heard. You may find yourself questioning your sanity, tearing your scene apart with a tremendously critical eye, or convincing yourself that your bottom was just being polite when she was swooning in ecstasy. Or you may just feel kind of used up, low and tired.

This happens to a lot of us (it happens to bottoms, too, in a different way), so think of it like postpartum depression: you were just really high, so now the pendulum has swung the other way… and it will get back to the middle soon, really it will. This might be a good time to remind yourself of your respect for limits and safety, and to call your bottom or any other friend for a little reassurance.

Coming out of a role that is in any way parental (and how many top roles are not?) may be particularly difficult, as you may wake up internalized messages from your actual parents. When you get self-critical you may feel like a little kid who did something wrong – which makes it harder to stay centered, grounded and empowered.

Occasionally playing parents or bullies can open up old stuff inside you that you may not even remember having buried years ago. Memories and feelings from childhood traumas can cause particular problems, manifesting as memories you never had before, or recollections of body sensations, or disturbing dreams. If this starts happening to you, consider finding a good therapist. When events in the present open up fossilized conflicts, we all perceive this as confusing, painful or perhaps frightening. Please remember that when old wounds open it means a buried part of ourselves is now available to our consciousness, so there is an opportunity for healing, by knowing ourselves better and reclaiming parts of ourselves we may have had to abandon long ago.


Input:
 Write a guide for BDSM practitioners on selecting and maintaining toys for their play. Include the following elements:

1. The range of toy collections, from nothing at all to vast accumulations occupying several rooms.
2. The importance of choosing toys appropriate to one's play style and level of experience.
3. A list of basic toys for a beginner, including rope, restraints, blindfolds, collars, clamps, candles, soft floggers, slappers or jockey bats, sex toys, and safer sex supplies.
4. More advanced toys, such as helplessness toys, striking toys, pinching toys, poking toys, temperature play toys, and toys that zap.
5. The special risks associated with electricity play.
6. The importance of maintaining toys properly, including cleaning and inspecting them for damage.
7. Tips for traveling with toys, including considerations for air travel and customs.
8. The importance of prioritizing skill, creativity, character, and ethics over the size of one's toy collection.

Response:
11

TOYS FOR TOPS

Tops toy collections can range from nothing at all – its possible to do excellent S/M using nothing but your body and your imagination – through vast accumulations occupying several rooms of a household. Choosing toys that are appropriate to your play style and level of experience is a craft in itself: a classic novices error is to choose hideous nasty vicious toys that no bottom in his right mind would allow an inexperienced top to use.

In cookbooks, kitchen equipment is known as the batterie de cuisine: a beginning cook is given a list of tools and supplies to start with, and a supplementary list of stuff to acquire later on for the master chef. We will do the same.

A BASIC TOY SELECTION

These basic toys are a "starter set"; we think theyre the best tools to go out and buy as you begin your toy collection. Very few of them are likely to cost you more than $40 or so, and if youre on a budget, you can often figure out less expensive alternatives that you can create from household supplies or find at the thrift store, supermarket or hardware store. So, to get you started, we recommend:

ROPE. Choose something soft, washable and at least 3/8" thick; finish the ends with a piece of tape or stitch them with thread so they wont fray. Some folks swear by cotton magicians rope or soft nylon rope from the hardware store. Marine supply stores and mountain-climbing stores offer an enormous selection of excellent rope in different sizes, textures and colors. If youre just getting started, try 12-foot lengths of several different kinds and experiment with which you like best. Once you settle on one or two kinds, youll probably want at least four 12-foot lengths; youll probably want to add a couple of shorter or longer lengths once you learn more about what kinds of bondage you like to do.

RESTRAINTS. Unless youre very clever with knots, youll find that a set of bondage cuffs for the wrists, and ideally a second set for the ankles, are a good investment. Try them on yourself before buying; tug the rings in all different directions to see if anything digs in or chafes, or if the cuff twists out of shape. Leather is nice if you can afford it, but there are good cuffs of nylon webbing which are strong and cheap. We dont recommend handcuffs or metal cuffs for beginners.

BLINDFOLD. The blindfold is a toy of such astonishing virtue that we had to set aside some space to talk about it. A blindfold can be a folded scarf or an Ace bandage, a nightshade from the drugstore or an elaborate leather mask from the toy store: no matter, they all work great.

To understand the power of the blindfold, try one on yourself. Feel the change in your state of consciousness, how quiet you become when you take away the busy distractions of sight, how your consciousness moves away from the verbal entrainment of thought, how time passes in an easy flow in the trance of sensory deprivation.

It is a powerful act to take away someones vision, to make him helpless, to make him dependent on you for most kinds of functioning. You can accentuate this feeling by taking your blindfolded bottom for a walk, or sending him to the bathroom in the darkness. Stay nearby, dont let your bottom fall.

There are practical advantages to blindfolding your bottom: then he cant see you fumble with the toys, or grab a clip to get your hair out of your eyes. We know a top who wears six-inch heels to tower over her bottoms, which she removes as soon as they cant see her anymore. So the blindfold offers privacy to the top, and relieves the bottom of the distractions of dealing with the material world. Check with your bottom before slipping on a blindfold, particularly if the two of you are new to one another – some bottoms find them too threatening for first-time play, and some need to take out their contact lenses first.

Blindfolds help to focus the bottom on what you are doing. Be aware that when you take away one sense, all others become accentuated. The blindfolded bottom will listen carefully, trying to figure out what you are going to do next – you can make this harder by playing music, or making noises on purpose to awaken his or her imagination.

Touch becomes triply intense for the blindfolded. Many tops try to maintain physical contact with a hand or a leg touching some part of the bottoms body at all times during the scene, while others may step back and let the bottom feel the abandonment of being blind and out of contact. Dont withdraw touch by accident – this is a powerful stimulus, and you want to stay purposeful with it. Dont leave a blindfolded person alone in a room where you cant watch over him.

Dossie recalls a scene at the first all-woman play party in San Francisco, where four tops requested her assistance because their bottom had gone all ticklish and couldnt stop giggling. Blindfold to the rescue! The bottom calmed down right away, and so did all her nervous tops.

We love blindfolds. Blindfolds are wonderful. Get one now.

COLLAR. If youre really not interested in dominance &submission or role-playing, you can skip this one, but weve found that many bottoms appreciate being collared as a way to start the scene and to go into bottom space. A nice dog collar from the pet store doesnt cost much. 20" seems to work out about right unless you play with very large or muscular people. If you form an ongoing relationship with your submissive, buying him his own collar, rather than the "generic" one you keep in your toybag, can be a gesture of great symbolic weight.

CLAMPS. Wooden clothespins from the hardware store, or plastic ones from the Asian grocery, are some of the cheapest, most versatile toys available. If youre a novice, you probably wont need more than six or so, although some advanced players enjoy playing with dozens or even hundreds of clamps. Clamps can go just about anywhere you can pinch up a fold of skin – breasts, chests, arms, legs, genitals, buttocks, backs and more (not near the eyes, please). Know that if you leave a clamp on for a few minutes, it will hurt a lot more when it comes off. Practice on your own hide to get the feel.

CANDLES. Hot wax play offers a relatively safe way to explore some intense sensations. Use only plain white paraffin candles to start with – dyes and scents raise the melting temperature and can make the wax too hot for many bottoms. If paraffin feels too intense, a milder alternative is the candles that come in tall glasses, sometimes with religious pictures on the side, which melt at a very cool temperature. Beeswax has a skin-burningly high melting point and should be avoided. As a rule of thumb, the softer the candle, the cooler the melting point of the wax – but you should test any wax on yourself before you drip it onto your bottom. An ice cube used alternately with dribbles of hot wax can create very interesting sensations.

SOFT FLOGGER. This is almost certainly going to be your biggest investment – but we find that more bottoms enjoy this sensation than any other, so if you can manage the $100-$150 such a toy is likely to cost, we encourage you to make the purchase. Shop at a store with clerks who can help you make a good selection. Try it on your thigh or arm, both softly and forcefully; you want something that gives a caressing, thuddy sensation, without too much sting or harshness; you may want to add other, harsher whips to your collection later. Such floggers are often made of suede, deerskin, elk, cabretta or buffalo hide. If youre short on cash and long on imagination, you can make an fine soft flogger by folding several lengths of soft rope in half, binding them together at the fold with tape or knots, and unraveling the ends, or by cutting strips from a discarded garment of soft suede or leather and folding them the same way. Practice with your flogger on a pillow, comforter or plush toy until you can consistently land the tips of the tails – the nastiest part – exactly where you aim them.

SLAPPER OR JOCKEY BAT. If youre only going to choose one toy for smacking (as opposed to flogging), we think it should be either a leather slapper – a two-layered paddle made of stiff but flexible leather, which makes a very loud cracking noise but is unlikely to cause damage – or the short, broad-tipped riding crop called a "jockey bat." In our opinion, the jockey bat looks hotter but the slapper feels better. Both are easy to control and give a sensation that many bottoms enjoy. If you use the jockey bat, hit with the tip only until you are much more experienced. Both toys are available in riding stores for $10 or so.

SEX TOYS. If you want to get yourself and/or your bottom off, a good vibrator is a worthwhile investment. We prefer the plug-in or rechargeable kinds because their vibration is much stronger. If you play with bottoms who enjoy being vaginally or anally penetrated, you may want to add a dildo and/or butt plug as well. Anything used for penetration should first be covered with a condom, or else kept for one bottom.

SAFER SEX SUPPLIES. Unless youre in a completely and consistently monogamous relationship, you should be putting latex or other barriers over anything that comes into contact with blood, semen, vaginal fluid, urine, feces and any other body fluids. Experiment with condoms until you find the ones you like (you may want some lubricated ones for penetration play and some unlubed ones for oral play). Get latex gloves in your size. Use dental dams or plastic wrap if you perform cunnilingus or have it performed on you. Try different water-based lubricants to see which you like; you may want to use a thinner, runnier lube for vaginal play and a thicker, gooier one for anal play. If you have trouble getting erect or getting off with a condom on, try masturbating with them until it feels easy and natural. Practice makes perfect.

EMERGENCY SUPPLIES. Your basic toy kit should contain a pair of heavy-duty shears such as paramedics shears, or a blunt-tipped sharp knife that can be run under rope or restraints without poking the bottoms skin. You will also need to think about dealing with power outages, and many dungeons are dark, so keep a flashlight handy.

MORE ADVANCED TOYS

As you learn more play technique in general and develop your own specific style, you will probably want to collect more toys. Here are some of the ones we like:

HELPLESSNESS TOYS. You can make your partner helpless with anything from "pretend bondage" ("put your wrists behind your back and keep them there until I say you can move them") through elaborate and expensive harnesses and body bags.

You can learn a lot about what kinds of helplessness you enjoy by experimenting with soft rope. If you find yourself attaching your partners wrists to her thighs over and over again, you might want to acquire a set of restraints made especially for that position. If a bottom with arms pulled tightly back and chest thrust forward turns you on (and you play with people flexible enough to sustain this difficult position), a "mono-glove" that laces arms together behind backs might be a good investment. Posture collars hold the head high and restrict head and shoulder movement… yum. A field trip to your local leather emporium, or a delightful evening spent browsing through one of the good mail order catalogs, will yield up many such tantalizing possibilities – save up your pennies!

You can also make your partner helpless by taking away some of his or her senses. Blindfolds, as we noted earlier, boost sensation and sharpen focus. Earplugs cost almost nothing and help muffle sound but dont block it entirely; "noise-canceling" headphones eliminate background noise almost completely. Hoods of spandex or leather encase the entire head, taking away the bottoms sight, smells, much of his hearing, even the feel of air currents on his face.

Gags require special care in selection – a too-large gag can leave a bottom with a sore jaw, or even choke him if it holds his mouth open too far for comfortable swallowing. The part that goes into the mouth must be firmly attached to the part that goes around the head so the bottom cannot swallow or inhale it. Janet prefers a gag that absorbs saliva, such as a square scarf folded diagonally with a large firm knot tied in the middle. Other tops like ball gags (many commercial ones are too large for the mouths of smaller bottoms, so you may have to make your own) or "bit"-type gags that place a leather bar in the bottoms mouth. No gag can stop a bottom from making any noise at all – grunts and muffled screams will still emerge, so dont count on your gag enabling you to do heavy pain play while Mom dozes lightly in the next room.

For complete helplessness and immobilization, many tops like to use some combination of kitchen-type plastic wrap or pallet wrap, plus sticky tape and, perhaps, a few sports bandages. With these few simple supplies, you can mummify a bottom so firmly that he cant move a muscle and cant even feel her own skin. (Dehydration is a danger here – give your bottom water with a sports bottle or baby bottle, and dont play this game in an overly warm or cold room.) You can carefully cut holes so you can get to the bottoms skin in those special places.

You may want to add some things for attaching people to in your bedroom or play space. An old-fashioned four-poster or brass bed is "deniable" and useful. Eyebolts in ceilings and walls can be explained away as "for plant hangers" when the folks come to visit – if youre not absolutely certain of your ability to center an eyebolt in a joist or stud, get professional help. Ottomans and "kneeling chairs" convert readily into spanking horses, and a little imagination and carpentry will enable you to create bondage equipment that can be shoved into a closet or under the bed when youre not playing.

Of course, the more helpless you make your bottom, the more responsible you are for his or her well-being. If your bottom is in bondage, dont go out of earshot; if shes gagged as well, dont leave the room. When youve made someone as helpless as an infant, take care of him or her as carefully as you would an infant.

TOYS FOR HITTING. Oooh, our favorites. Striking toys can be found in the supermarket, the hardware store, the stationery store, antique stores, tack shops – even, if youre feeling perverse, leather stores.

A common way of describing the sensation of a toy is to talk about "thud" and "sting" – most bottoms prefer one or the other. The sting-to-thud ratio of any striking toy depends mostly on its proportion of weight to breadth. You can learn this particular bottoms preference either by asking, or by trying a bit of each and watching her reaction.

With striking toys, like any other toy, its very important to start slow and work your way up. While a few bottoms enjoy the challenge of fast buildup or even no warmup at all, theyre the exception – and any bottom can go a lot further if properly warmed up.

Things that are basically broad, stiff and flat fall under the general subcategory of "paddles." Paddles are most often made of leather, which is relatively flexible and stingy, or of wood, which is stiff and more thuddy. Hairbrushes and wooden spoons, traditional spanking implements, are basically small paddles and are actually quite harsh, beyond many folks limits. If you prowl antique stores you can sometimes find old fraternity paddles, which are vicious, or novelty paddles with corny sayings on them, which are embarrassing. Make sure your paddle has no harsh edges or corners which can cut or abrade. Paddles with holes are hot to look at and hurt a lot, but are far more likely to break or blister skin than smooth paddles.

Long flat flexible striking toys fall under the broad category of "straps." Its relatively easy to find good straps outside leather stores – an old, soft, well-worn, broad leather belt from the 60s is a thrift store treasure. Tack shops and antique stores (watch for leather razor strops in good condition) are also good places to find straps. The sound of a top pulling her belt out of its loops and doubling it up is delightfully scary. But be extra-cautious in negotiating play with straps – they are commonly used by abusive parents and spouses, and are thus likelier than most other toys to trigger flashbacks to nonconsensual violence.

Youll hear multi-tailed toys called "cats," "cat-o-nine-tails," "flails" and other names; well call them, generically, "floggers." Floggers may have just a few tails (if there are only two, theyre usually called "quirts") or hundreds. They are most commonly made of leather, but weve seen nice ones made of rope, rubber and manmade materials as well. Braided tails are nasty, tails with knots nastier yet. Some floggers are made of the gentlest, most sensual suede or deerskin, others of tough harsh hide. Try a potential flogger on yourself – or, better yet, have a trusted friend give you some strokes with it – before you buy it if possible, and certainly before you use it on somebody else.

Long thin stiff rods fall under the category of "canes." Bottoms mostly either love canes fanatically or hate them passionately – they hurt a lot, and the pain comes in two waves, one when the cane strikes, and another a few moments later when the tissue decompresses. Classically, canes are made of rattan, often varnished. Rattan canes need to be soaked regularly to maintain their weight and flexibility – use salt water to avoid mildew. Rattan canes feel wonderful, but are hard to clean if they come in contact with blood, plasma or other body fluids – so we also often see canes made of manmade materials like fiberglass and Delrin. Cane sluts (like us) like to have several of each kind, in various lengths, breadths, and flexibilities.

Bullwhips, blacksnakes and signal whips are called "single-tailed whips," and are for use only by genuine experts. The "crack" these whips can make is actually the sound of the tip breaking the sound barrier – thats how fast they travel, and how dangerous they can be. A single-tailed whip can tear flesh. If you havent practiced assiduously on inanimate objects for a long time, dont even think about using one on a human being.

TOYS FOR PINCHING. While you can do perfectly wonderful S/M with nothing but a bag of wooden clothespins, players who love the slow buildup and cathartic release of wearing and removing clamps often collect many different kinds (one bottom we know has a box the size of a small suitcase that contains nothing but clips and clamps). The classic place to apply clamps is on the nipples, but a fair percentage of bottoms find that particular type of pain difficult to handle – others adore it, so you have to ask. Clamps also work well just about anywhere on the body where you can grab a pinch of skin and slip on a clamp. Occasionally a clamp gets put on a place that is truly intolerable, perhaps on top of a nerve; it is entirely reasonable for a bottom to ask to have such a clamp moved, maybe only half an inch or so. Some clamps, such as Japanese clovers, tighten when you pull on them. Others have teeth or ridges that bite. One thing that all clamps have in common is that they hurt the most coming off, and the longer theyve been on, the more they hurt on removal – be prepared for a yelp or jump from your bottom. Plan your timing; clamp removal after orgasm is much harder to handle. If youre being nice, remove the clamp gently and gradually… if youre being mean (and if its not toothed or ridged), yank it off. You can also string several non-toothed clamps at intervals along a cord so that you can yank them all off at once – this is called a "zipper," and delivers a serious jolt of pain and a major flood of endorphins.

TOYS FOR POKING. Poky feelings may come from something sharp being pressed into the skin, or from something sharp actually being pressed through the skin.

If you dont want to break skin, bamboo skewers (like for shish kabob) poke beautifully – a blindfolded bottom may think youre piercing him (fun for mindfuck). A Wartenburg wheel, used by neurologists, is a small wheel with very sharp spokes on the end of a handle; you run it along the skin like a pizza cutter. Yeowch!

Play that actually breaks skin is to be done only by experienced tops or under the supervision of an experienced top. Play piercings, typically done with disposable hypodermic needles or sterilized acupuncture needles, involve inserting needles just below the surface of the skin and back out again – not for the permanent insertion of jewelry, but just for the sensation of being pierced. Cuttings, properly placed no deeper than a cat scratch, are usually done with a sterile scalpel. Some players rub ash or tattoo ink into a decorative cutting to make a permanent mark. There is no way to guarantee that a play piercing or cutting wont scar, so be aware that it might and refrain from graffiti.

TOYS THAT HEAT OR COOL. Temperature offers a powerful range of sensations. We mentioned hot wax and ice cubes earlier, but theyre worth noting again here, since theyre such simple and versatile toys. A bottom may find it impossible to distinguish between extreme heat and extreme cold – weve heard of scenes in which a top convinces a blindfolded bottom that hes about to be branded, then presses an ice cube into his flesh.

Some folks enjoy playing with "chemical heat" from spicy oils like cinnamon or peppermint, or from commercial concoctions like Ben Gay or Tiger Balm. It takes only a tiny bit of any of these to create a strong sensation, particularly on mucous membranes like cunts or assholes – start with the tiniest dab, and give the heat several minutes to build before you consider adding more. If you use too much and your bottom cant handle it, apply a lot of anything oily – vaseline, cold cream, even vegetable oil or butter from the kitchen – to the affected area to dilute the chemical, then send your victim to the shower to suds it off with shampoo.

The ultimate temperature play is branding. Like piercing and cutting, branding is to be done only by very experienced tops. The way its done on TV westerns, or in "The Story of O," does not work on people-hide the way it does on cowhide – learn from an expert before you even consider exploring branding. Brands nearly always leave scars.

TOYS THAT ZAP. Electricity play is a fairly specialized play style with some special risks. The impulses that tell your bottoms heart when to beat are electrical, and you most definitely do not want to confuse those impulses – so a general rule for electricity play is "never above the waist." We also think its better not to do electricity play with a bottom who has a heart condition, and to be extremely cautious about using it on or near piercings.

Within those rules, though, there is still room for fun. Many folks who like electricity use TENS (transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation) devices, a medical gadget used to help relieve chronic pain, for sensations ranging from extremely mild through moderately strong. Some manufacturers have modified TENS units for scene play and created specialized attachments – butt plugs and cock rings and such – a big investment but very pleasant to play with. Relaxacisors (a quackish weight-loss gadget from the 40s and 50s) deliver a stronger sensation. Tasers and cattle prods are extremely strong, too much so for most players – we dont recommend them unless your bottom is in good health and both of you have had lots of experience with less intense forms of electricity play.

A special case is the "violet wand" – another medical device, once thought to help with such problems as baldness. The violet wand delivers a different form of electricity that stays primarily on the surface of the skin, so its the only electricity toy thats considered safe for use above the waist, although you should keep it away from the eyes. The sensation feels a bit like the shock you get from walking across a wool carpet and touching a doorknob, except it goes on and on and…. Again, a big investment, but the folks who love these really love them.

TOYS FOR TURNING ON AND GETTING OFF. While many people play without genital sex, were strong advocates for having as much sex as possible – so our toy collections tend to include lots of gadgets for getting people aroused and giving them orgasms.

Dildoes and butt plugs give bottoms (and tops!) that wonderful filled-up feeling that makes orgasms so much more worthwhile. Assholes in particular do not take well to being harshly stretched – insert plugs and such only after plenty of preparatory finger play, v-e-r-y gradually and gently, and dont go for the Guinness book on plug size unless you know your bottom can handle it. Use lots and lots and lots and lots of lube (one top we know says "If there isnt lube dripping from the ceiling, you havent used enough"). If anything burns or creates a sharp or tearing pain, stop immediately – either fix the situation thats causing the pain, or move on to another activity. Butt toys need to have a wide flange at the bottom so they dont get lost in the rectum – a lost toy is at best uncomfortable and embarrassing, and at worst a serious emergency.

Vaginas are less picky about what gets inserted in them, although scrupulous cleanliness is essential for anything that goes into a vagina. Still, the sensation of being hurt or bumped deep inside is not erotic to most women. We suggest that if you like to play with dildoes and other insertables, you acquire a few different sizes and shapes, and keep track of which bottoms like which – or, better yet, encourage your bottoms to own their own dildoes that are exactly the size and shape they like, and that get used only on them.

Toys can give you genitals other than the ones nature gave you. If you have a vagina, you can strap on a penis, or insert one into yourself and still have one left over for a friend. If you want a bigger or harder penis, open the drawer and take one out. Ever wish you had a penis on your leg, or your face? Or that you could have two penises, one for each hole? Use your imagination – and your MasterCard.

Cocks like constriction. Those veins we see on the outside of a penis are the exit path for the blood that makes erections; the arteries that bring the blood in are buried deep inside. Many men find that when you constrict from the outside, with, for instance, a cock ring, or some bondage made with thin rope, or a few condoms, the amount of blood in the cock increases – and so does the erection. Some men also love the sensation of having their balls pulled away from the body, and tops who play with such men often stock special devices called "parachutes" and weights for this purpose – heavy brass bells are particularly charming, although Janet once improvised a ball weight from a tube sock and a jar of pennies. Although we lack the proper equipment to confirm these reports, we are told such activities feel good. We are told this appreciatively. Enthusiastically. Loudly.

Own lots of lube. Yes, good water-based lube is expensive – but you paid more for that half-gallon of premium ice cream you polished off last week, and we bet you didnt enjoy it half as much. Lube is important for good sex and essential for good safer sex. Dont be stingy.

TOYS FOR ROLE-PLAYING. For tops and bottoms, every day can be Halloween. Role-playing doesnt have to involve specialized toys or costumes – imagination and creativity can certainly suffice – but we think half the fun of a role-playing scene is the trip to the thrift store beforehand. (Well, maybe a quarter of the fun.)

If you play with one role a lot, you may want to consider getting toys, props and costumes appropriate to that role. Daddies may wear big threatening leather belts. Bitch goddesses lace themselves into shiny tight corsets and spike-heeled shoes. Interrogators and rapists hide their features with masks or hoods. Pirates wear high boots and dashing shirts. Schoolmistresses have long frumpy skirts and high-necked blouses and whippy scary canes. If you like to train puppies, youll need collars and bowls and rolled-up newspapers; if you prefer ponies, get some bridles and crops and maybe an insertable tail or two.

Your role-playing costumes and props serve a dual function: they help you and your bottoms get into the mood when youre actually playing, and they signal your particular role interest to potential bottoms. So get yourself over to the thrift store or costume shop and have fun!

TOYS FOR THE ROAD

Unless youre prepared to haul a steamer trunk along to every play date (and some tops do exactly that), youll probably want to think about developing a portable toy kit.

Of course, "portable" is relative. Both of us usually use a softball bag from the sporting goods store for carrying our toys to parties and demonstrations. But we also like to be able to drop a few small toys into our purses, just in case.

One player we know uses a small zippered bag, about 8" x 10" x 3", for his portable toybag. It contains a couple of lengths of rope, a mini-whip made of four leather thongs folded in half and rubber-banded together at the fold (which can also be disassembled if he or his partner wants to use the thongs individually), and a few clothespins. Safer sex is taken care of with several latex gloves in his size, a few condoms and some individual-sized packets of lubricant. Emergency supplies include a small flashlight and a pair of paramedics shears. Theres still plenty of room left over for whatever specialized small equipment he wants for any particular session – a lightweight collar, a small tube of hot cream, a mini-vibrator, a cock ring or whatever.

If youre traveling by air – and especially through customs – youll have to do some serious thinking about what to take with you. For domestic travel, bags that get checked through as luggage arent usually inspected closely, although these days random searches are much more common than they were when we wrote the first edition of this book. If you carry your bag onto the plane, it will be inspected – if youre carrying anything they think is dangerous, which typically includes all sharp objects, heavy striking objects like clubs and chains, and many whips, theyll take it away from you and you wont get it back. We suggest either checking your toys or having a freight service ship them ahead of you.

Customs agents for overseas travel may be very cool about your toys – or not. Weve heard some scary stories. If youre traveling to a very conservative or sex-negative country, we think you should probably stick to toys that have real-world uses: clothesline, clothespins, hairbrushes, belts, candles and so on.

Consider shipping any toys you buy overseas home separately. On the other hand, on her first trip to Germany Dossie packed no toys and no studded clothes, only to discover a leather store right in the Frankfurt airport. If you have a friendly travel agent, she may be able to advise you further about whether youre likely to get hassled.

MAINTAINING TOYS

Well-maintained toys are clean, free of breakage or flaws, and a joy to use. Poorly maintained toys can cause injury and spread disease, and signal to the world that youre a sloppy top who doesnt care about your bottoms. You wouldnt go to a play date with dirty hair and smelly armpits; your toys deserve at least as much attention as your body does.

Any toy that you suspect has come into contact with body fluids needs to be cleaned – and if youre not positive that it hasnt, clean it again. Rubber toys, metal toys and toys of manmade materials like silicone and plastic can be lightly handwashed using a cleanser like Hibiclens and warm water, then soaked for half an hour in a solution of one part household chlorine bleach to nine parts water. Leather toys should be cleaned using leather cleaner, left to air-dry for at least a day, then reconditioned, before being used on another bottom. The exact technique will depend on the type of leather; you can check with the store or craftsperson that sold it to you. Toys made of plant materials like rattan and wood should be varnished if they are likely to come into contact with various bottoms body fluids. If such a toy gets fluids on it, clean it thoroughly with nonoxynol-9-containing toy cleanser, or with soap and water and then a liberal wipe of hydrogen peroxide. I, then rinse thoroughly (some people have sensitive skins that may be irritated by such chemicals). If you suspect that the fluids may have gotten under the varnish, sand the varnish off, do the soap-water-peroxide thing, let it dry thoroughly, then re-varnish it. Its a good idea to let any toy that is difficult to clean dry thoroughly, in the sunlight if possible, for a few weeks before using it on a different person.

Inspect all your toys frequently for cracks, weak spots, raveled stitching, etc. If you find a problem, fix it promptly, and if you dont have time right then, set the toy aside where it cant possibly get mixed up with the toys you might use. If a toy cant be repaired, discard it.

Play-test bondage equipment and eyebolts periodically by having someone heavy try them out. If something seems creaky or wobbly, fix it before you play with it again.

SOME FINAL THOUGHTS ON TOYS

As the old saying goes, "Size doesnt matter" – toybag size, that is. No knowledgeable bottom judges a top on how many toys he has. Tops get judged on their skill, creativity, character and ethics, not on their stuff.

If youre a "gear queer" who enjoys collecting dozens or hundreds of cool toys, and youre not bankrupting yourself to do it, we applaud you – we love beautiful toys, own a lot ourselves, and have friends whose collections are practically museum-quality. Youre also helping to keep our leatherworker friends, a vital link in the community, busy creating instruments of joy. But dont forget: your partner is bottoming to you, not your toys… and thats exactly the way you want it, right?


Input:
 Write a personal account of a first-time topping experience for a seasoned bottom in a polyamorous relationship with two experienced dominants. Include the following elements:

1. The background of the narrator's S/M experiences, including a recent breakup and the resumption of play with an ex-partner, as well as a relationship with a professional dominatrix.
2. The emotional complexity and erotic tension between the three individuals, leading to the decision to engage in a group scene.
3. The narrator's initial fear and uncertainty about the scene, followed by a newfound desire to top both of their partners.
4. The use of role-playing and negotiation during a dinner out, with the narrator asking explicit and intrusive questions to gauge their partners' boundaries and interests.
5. The setting of the scene at the dominatrix's home, among the toys they had been discussing earlier in the day.
6. The narrator's specific actions and instructions during the scene, including having their partners undress each other, serve refreshments, and engage in sexual activities on command.
7. The physical characteristics and preferences of one of the partners, and how the narrator accommodated these in the scene.
8. The narrator's emotional response to topping for the first time, including feelings of triumph, power, and self-sufficiency.
9. The ongoing impact of this experience on the narrator's S/M practices, and their continued enjoyment of both topping and bottoming roles.

Response:
interlude 4

A first-time topping scene played by a bottom and her friends.

This scene happened not long after I came out into S/M. I had broken up with my first S/M partner, Rick, a few months previously, and with great care and some trepidation, we had recently resumed our play relationship, with no intention of becoming partners again. Our preferred roles in scene, he the ravishing top, me the helpless bottom, fit together just about perfectly, and indeed, after this story we continued to play as friends for another nine years.

At that time I was also playing with a professional dominatrix named Celia, an intimidating relationship for me, since she had so much more experience and seemed so free and confident in her S/M. I was quite overawed.

One afternoon the three of us got together to videotape a discussion of S/M that we hoped would be useful information for people who didnt understand our sexual practices. After a few hours of talking about sex and play, the erotic tension began to mount and it became clear that all three of us wanted to play together.

You would think that a greedy girl like me would be a happy little piglet at the thought of bottoming to both of my tops, but in fact I was terrified. The emotional connections between the three of us were complicated and tender, and I could not figure out how this scene would work.

We went out for dinner, and it was there that a new vision came to me, a desire I had never before felt. I started topping both of them. Fussed over how they lit my cigarettes, felt them up under the table, sent Rick to the bathroom with a conspicuous erection. The restaurant was in the gay part of town, and the waiters understood perfectly well what was going on, and indeed, helped out by exaggerating the formality of the service and waiting patiently while Celia made sure my plate was perfectly arranged, while she pretended she was not affected by my foot exploring her crotch, again under the table. Both she and Rick were startled but eager to encourage my new behavior. I felt excited and curiously confident, as if I had entered a trance in which it was clear that nothing could go wrong.

During dinner Rick and Celia, amazed, stayed very quiet. I kept the conversation going by asking intrusive questions: "How does your cunt feel right now?" "Is your ass clean for me?" This is my rude and toppish version of negotiation: I make threats, the bottom(s) indicate acquiescence or limits in their responses. For instance: "My cunt is throbbing and eager for you, Maam." "My asshole is a little sore from last night, I might have to offer it slowly and carefully."

Back at Celias place, the toys were all still spread out for the show and tell part of our video. We had been talking about them all afternoon, so I had a good idea of what might interest either of them, and where limits might be found. I made them take each others clothes off – slowly. I interrupted from time to time to slow them down even further, instructing them to get each other as turned on as they could while each article of clothing was removed.

Then I had Celia remove my panties, again slowly and sensuously, very seductive on her knees in front of me. I had to punish her for getting too eager about sniffing my cunt, slapping her upturned face while she promised to behave herself. I told her to do nothing she was not told to do.

I sent her off to the kitchen for refreshments while I had Rick clear the bed and lay the toys out as I liked them. Celia served tea very prettily, on her knees, careful to give me just the right amount of sugar and cream.

Rick was endowed with a dick as big around as my wrist, and long enough to make taking all of it in somewhat of a challenge. He also needed to fuck quite vigorously for a long time to get off. (Its a very good thing that we like challenges.) So the meat of the scene, if youll pardon the expression, consisted of me ordering Rick to fuck Celia, with me counting cadence, ordering them to follow my rhythm, and turning them over and over so I could flog first one exposed ass and then the other. Later Celia told me she felt as if I was fucking her, and beating her, with Ricks huge cock. That archaic word from Victorian porn, "bludgeon," constitutes an perfect description of the nature of the scene.

How did I feel? Triumphant. I hadnt known I had that in me. I felt powerful and sexy and on top of the world, or at least on top of my two lovers. And I felt a fulfillment of another part of myself, grateful to discover that I could top. I could do it myself, no longer totally dependent on the energy of someone else, no longer waiting impatiently for somebody else to manifest some desire, I could make a scene happen myself. Power! Freedom!

Although my primary role in S/M continues to be the hapless bottom, wickedly tormented, I have never given up topping. And never will.