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But the vast majority of safeword situations fall under the "shit happens" category: something has gone wrong that neither the top nor the bottom could have reasonably predicted, or one partner has made an honest mistake. In this case, it is usually both possible and realistic to talk through wha t happened, agree on a solution to the problem, and proceed with the scene. You'll find it requires much less time to get back into the same space and level of arousal then it took to get there in the first place. Dossie remembers: The first year I did S/M with a partner, every scene we did ended in a safeword from one or the other of us. We were new and very nervous, and when one of us safeworded, we would throw all the toys and bondage stuff off the bed, have something to drink, agonize over whatever went wrong this time, despair a little, and then realize that we were terribly turned on and fuck like crazy amidst the abandoned piles of ropes and chains. It took us a long time to realize that these weren't failed scenes — they were successful ones!

Check-Ins. "Check-ins" are a way for tops to take initiative to see how the bottom is doing and stay in touch with what's going on. Consent can thus be reaffirmed throughout the scene without breaking role. Consider, for example, asking a bottom to kiss a whip or other implement: it lets the bottom know what is proposed, giving him or her the opportunity to question or object, or consent with a kis s.

Threats of scary or new activity are also sexy, and offer a chance for the bottom if necessary to say "I don't think I'm quite ready for the steel bullwhip tonight, sir or madam."

Check-ins are necessary to stay in touch with what's going on, especially when the activity places the top in a location where she might not be able to hear words or read facial expressions, or when the top has reason to believe that the bottom has "gone under" to an extent that taking initiative may be difficult. Overly frequent check-ins can be irritating: when a top asks you if you're okay eve ry thirty seconds, you can come to feel that your top's need for reassurance is disrupting the play However, tops should not be forced to carry on with no reassurance whatsoever; then they might not feel safe to go as far as you want them to.

A top can check in with questions like "Do you remember your safeword?" or "Are you still with me?" Partners can agree on a check-in code similar to a safeword -the "two squeezes" check-in, in which the top squeezes the bottom's hand twice to check in, and the bottom squeezes back twice if he is okay, is growing in popularity.

Can You Change Your Mind? Some players believe consent should never be renegotiated "upwards" mid-scene, because when people are excited they may decide it would be great to do something that in a cooler moment they would regret. You are always entitled to withdraw consent if you have changed your mind about a proposed activity - you may have tried something new and found it didn't work, or you may have reacted in a way you hadn't expected.

Some feel that it's okay to renegotiate consent when the situation is very clear. We've both had experiences in which "very clear" has sounded like "Yes! Push that limit! Do it now! Yes, please!" And that can indeed work very well at times, and we don't want to argue with inspiration... but, if there is any doubt at all, please include the activity in future negotiations rather than trying to include it in that session. Remember, there is always the future, and play that is worth doing is worth waiting for.

The watchword for these kinds of decisions is "know thyself." The more you can be honest and accepting of yourself and your desires, the easier it is to make sane decisions about how to achieve them.

Afterwards. Many good players also set up a time after the scene to review what happened, what worked, what didn't, who wanted more of what, and so on. Maybe the next day, maybe over brunch, maybe a phone call during the week - anytime but directly afterwards. Right after the scene, objectivity is not possible.

Some communicate in person, others by e-mail - some dominants require their submissives to maintain a journal which the dominant can access.

However you choose to organize this discussion, remember to include praise for what you liked, and approach any concerns or difficulties without blarne. None of us are psychic enough to prevent misunderstandings, and so we have to figure out more mundane ways to let each other know what s going on. In a friendly and cooperative manner, share what you liked, and what you might have liked different. Give your top a space to share her experience as well.

If you make this a regular practice in your play, you will rapidly learn to collaborate to create scenes from your wildest fantasies!

**The Bridge to Reality**

Most people's first bottoming experience does not take place in a bedroom or a playroom or a dungeon. It takes place on an absolutely ideal, perfectly decorated and populated sta ge: inside their minds. That was our first bottoming experience, and we bet it was yours too.

On that mental stage, we are graceful and gorgeous, our tops do exactly the right kind of perfectly awful things to us, and the perfect toy or piece of equipment magically appears at just the moment we need it and disappears again when we're done with it.

Yet as perfect as that stage is, most of us sooner or later hanker to step oft it and into something a bit more, shall we say, immediate. We want to connect with real partners and experience real sensations. This chapter is about how to step across the chasm between our fantasies and our realities.

Where Are You Starting From? Both of us started out with solo and rather lonely fantasies, feeling like we were the only people in the world who had thoughts like ours. Dossie str uggled to reconcile her fantasies of kidnap and captivity with her feminist beliefs. Janet had a hard time figuring out how a nice girl like her could be hankering to wallop perfectly innocent backsides. Eventually, we both hooked up with folks who helped guide us to recognition that there were safe, healthy and ethical ways to enact our fantasies without taking or giving up any more power than we wanted to.

Sad to say, many people still struggle in isolation with questions like ours — although it's certainly a much easier and more informative world in which to be a pervert than the one we came of age in.

Today, many people pick up an erotic or educational kinky book or magazine, and find that something in them responds to the thoughts or images they discover there. Some may learn about their local educational or support group through an ad, a booth at a street fair, or a public demonstration of some kind.

And then, of course, there's the Internet. We think it's safe to say that as we write this, the 'Net is by far the greatest single point of entry for new players into the BDSM scene. (In the first edition of this book, written a decade ago, there is one paragraph of information about the 'Net. How rapidly the world has changed!) Whatever your point of entry, we think it's safe to say that you'll experience some rude shocks as well as some blissful revelations as you cross the threshold into real-time play with a flesh-and-blood partner.

About the 'Net. Whole books have been written about sexuality and the Internet - it may well be the cause of the most radical shift in sexual thinking since the advent of reliable birth control. One of your authors is a dedicated

'Net geek, the other uses it only when absolutely necessary — but each of us has been part of the leather scene for well over a decade, and know our way around pretty well by now. If you're new or just learning, we think it's a

pretty good idea for you to get on-line and begin exploring. Howeve r, there are some pitfalls as well as many benefits to on-line oration, so we'd like to give you our thoughts about what you might expect from the many different venues available through your friendly household computer .

In some ways, the Internet is not much like reality at all — one of our friends says, "The 'Net bears about the same resemblance to real life that television does." But, like TV, the 'Net affects real emotions and addresses real issues, and is an important mode of interpersonal communication for a and growing number of people. Electronic interactions are like real-world ones in some ways. Although a cyber-scene or discussion may not leave you with bruises or welts, they can affect your emotions and relationships in many of the same ways that real-world play might. The skills you're learning elsewhere in this book — negotiating your needs and wants, setting your limits, getting to know your tops before you play with them, going slowly, checking in afterwards, and so on - are just as necessary when your scene takes place on a monitor as they are when it happens in a dungeon. We've both heard many unhappy tales of bottoms who thought that just because their play was virtual instead of real, that they didn't need to take good care of themselves... and who found out otherwise when a scene left them feeling surprisingly used, upset, unseen or generally stomped-on.

Virtual play enables its participants to connect and mirror their fantasies in a kind of feedback loop not available in the "real world," often leading to startlingly intense fantasy g ratification. The reason we put "real world" in quotes is because in many ways cyberplay is real: the shared fantasy is a real fantasy, and the physiological response in your body is very very real... so in some, but not all, ways, the universe you create in your head and manifest through your keyboard and monitor is just as real as the one you're occupying now.

On the other hand, many of the people playing in cyberspace have litde or no experience in real-time BDSM. This absence of "reality checks" sometimes means that its easy for them to get unrealistically caught up in their roles, enacting the impossibly controlling and arrogant dominant, or the cringing and servile submissive, without much recognition for their own or their partners' real needs or limits. If you find yourself in an Internet environment where it seems like bottoms aren't valued, or are treated rudely or disrespectfully, we assure you that there are plenty of other places to hang out - the 'Net is a huge and varied universe. Leave, and let the other folks there know why you're leaving - some of them might just decide to follow you.

One final warning: one of the down sides to cyber-interaction is a lack of accountability - the 'Net lets you play however you want, with little or no chance of your actions ever being connected with your real-world self. Good people use this opportunity to explore roles, scenes and characters that may be too scary or unrealistic or embarrassing to enact in reality. Bad people can use it to stalk you, threaten you, insult you, tell people untruths about you, or reveal information about you without your consent. We suggest that you be as careful about who you associate with on-line as you would be in real life, and be especially careful in sharing information about your name, location or life situation, unless this is information you'd be comfortable having the whole world know about you.

Now that we've talked about the scary part, let's talk about the good part - the Internet offers a wide world of information, support, friends and possible play. But the 'Net is a huge jungle of websites, mailing lists, newsgroups, chatrooms and other venues... so how do you get started?

A lot of people exploring kink on the Internet get started looking at sites on the World Wide Web. These sites resemble magazines in many ways; they may feature pictures, text, and sometimes even video and audio, and they allow you to move from one page to another as your interests dictate. They are appealing to many beginners because you don't have to participate in anything to look at them: they are very anonymous, although many do require paid membership, or ask that you register with a relatively inexpensive service which confirms that you are old enough to look at sexually oriented material.

Some may be porn sites, intended purely for sexual stimulation. Others might be informationally oriented, with articles about various aspects of BDSM, and links (connections that you can click on to go look at something else) to other informational sites. Some might belong to a manufacturer of sex toys, publications, or fetish clothing, and still others are maintained by support and education groups for BDSM folks. Since the Web is essentially

unregulated and chaotic, the only way you can tell what kind of sit e you're looking at is to use your own common sense - if it seems to be mostly there as a sexual turn-on, its not intended as a source of realistic advice and ideas.

Information on the Web, or for that matter anywhere on the Internet, is only as good as the person who put it there. Don't take any advice from a single source. Look at several websites, and discover for yourself where they agree and where they disagree: the points of disagreement may be issues that you'll want to think about and explore carefully.

Another way to explore the Internet is in chat rooms. These rooms enable you to converse in real time (just like an in-person conversation, except typed onto a screen) with other folk s who share your interests. Chat rooms tend to be sorted by sexual orientation (special rooms for female-dominant/male-submissive players, gay players, etc.), sexual fantasy (rooms that explore the male-dominant culture described in the "Gor" fantasy novels by John Norman, rooms for men who enjoy being treated as "sissies," etc.), support (rooms for people married to non-kinky people, for people overcoming abusive backgrounds, etc.), or location (rooms in which people who live close together can get to know one another). There are also many general get-acquainted rooms in which everybody can mix freely.

Chat rooms can be great fun, and a terrific way to meet kindred spirits - either for on-line interaction, or in person.

However, be aware that many of these rooms have special protocols, such as ways in which submissives are expected to address dominants, which are not necessarily typical of realtime kink interactions. If you want to hang out in a chat room, learn and use the local conventions, but don't assume that anyone outside the chat room will use or appreciate them.

People often "play" in chat rooms, sometimes only in words ("I fasten the collar around your neck and stroke your silky hair"), sometimes by giving the submissive orders that can be followed at home.

Janet once did a chat room scene that led to new insights for herself, her partner and several onlookers: I knew and liked my friend C - a male top -from many online conversations in the past, but we'd never actually played, in reality or on-line. But one night we were in an open channel, with quite a few people exchanging conversations around us... and, well, one thing kind of led to another: we wound up exploring a lengthy scene that was his first experience ever as a bottom.

In lustful, stroke-by-stroke detail, I described myself shaving his backside, sensually applying the warm lather, deftly slicing through it with the edge of my safety razor, exposing stripe after stripe of fresh pink skin until his butt was smooth and glowing. He, in his turn, described the slippery creamy lather, the cool feeling as the hair and foam were stripped away, the vulnerability of his new hairlessness. Then, when we were both thoroughly turned on by the shaving, I informed him that I was strapping on my "dick"... by this point, everybody else's conversation had pretty much stopped; they were mesmerized by C's and my scene. I described the thick glob of lube I put on my fingers and used to probe his butthole. Then, each of us took turns describing our sensations as my relentless dildo took possession of his freshly denuded backside. I described the rhythmic pressure of the dildo flange against my mound, and how it was driving me closer and closer to orgasm... he described the relentless pressure against his prostate, the intensity of my thrusting, the feeling of being totally possessed... and eventually, in cyberspace (and perhaps in real space as well) we both reached orgasm.

It was a reality-changing scene for both of us. Soon afterwards, C went on to explore his bottom space in real time

— the last time I saw him he was a happy switch. I discovered a shaving kink I'd never known I possessed. And, based on the enthusiastic and slightly startled comments I got afterwards, several onlookers learned a bit more about their own turn-ons! It's easy to assume that, since no physical force is being exerted, you don't need to negotiate your limits or needs. On the contrary, we both know people who have experienced unexpected and genuine emotional trauma from chatroom encounters: our suggestion is that you negotiate them as carefully as you would a physical scene. You can use the "Yes/ No/Maybe" exercise we describe on page 34, or any one of several negotiation checklists available on-line, as a jumping-off point.

Newsgroups and Bulletin Boards arc environments in which people can post messages which everybody can read,

just like a bulletin board on which people could tack up notes. The best-known newsgroup environment is called Usenet, and offers tens of thousands of groups for every interest, including yours. Some newsgroups are

"moderated," which means that someone keeps an eye on what's posted there to keep out unsolicited advertisements (known as "spam"), insulting or haranguing posts (known as "flames"), and off-topic discussion.

Other groups are unmoderated, and have more of a free-for-all spirit. Some people prefer moderated groups for their relative calmness, others prefer the uncensored chaos or unmoderated groups.

People who post in newsgroups and bulletin boards are often longtime players with lots of experience to share, and a generous willingness to share it. You may have to comb through a lot of garbage to get to the gems, though.

Some people enjoy starting fights in newsgroups by posting inflammatory questions or statements; these are known as "trolls" and are universally loathed. In addition, there's no way to know which newsgroup posters are knowledgeable and which arc not, unless you hang out long enough to get a sense of who seems sensible and experienced... which we recommend that you do.

Private Mailing Lists are a bit like newsgroups in that messages get posted for people to read at their convenience.

However, posts to a mailing list get sent to a central entity, which then copies them and sends them to the e-mail addresses of all the subscribers, so you receive them in your inbox along with your other e-mail.

Many mailing lists are regional (some are set up especially to announce local BDSM events), and others are for discussion of specific topics. Some particularly knowledgeable, respected or charismatic leaders in the kink communities maintain private mailing lists for their fans or followers, and some kink-related businesses might have mailing lists which they use to announce new products or special offers. Most mailing lists are at least somewhat moderated, usually by the individual who runs the list.

Mailing lists can be extremely useful in that they can be tailored especially for your particular interest, and some are very specialized indeed: if you like to be spanked by left-hand ed carpenters of Latino ancestry, there's probably a mailing list for you. If not, you can start one!

**What's the Same? What's Different?**

The Internet has certainly brought a lot more novice players into the real-time scene than either of us ever imagined possible. Your first steps into physical interaction are going to be very similar whether you started with a book, a website, a workshop, or a thought in your head and a hand between your legs. Some things will be less wonderful than you imagined and some will be even more wonderful... you'll probably even discover terrific new things to do that you never even thought of before.

Here are some of the discoveries you may make when you have your first encounter with physical reality: people. The tops in your fantasies are such good mind-readers, aren't they? Not only do they dominate you in exactly the way that transports you to ecstasy, but they look, dres s and sound just as you want them to!

Whether the tops who live in your head were created exclusively by your own fertile imagination, or whether they moved in after you met them on a website, in a magazine, or during a professional domination session, we think it's a safe bet that they don't look or act much like the tops you'll meet in real life. Real tops have love handles, troubles at work, moments of guilt and insecurity, and all the other problems that you, or anybody else, might have. They don't usually look like the tops in magazines or on websites, and the kind of scene they want to do with you might not match up in every particular with the kind of scene you've been masturbating to in your favorite John Preston or Pat Califia book for years and years.

And what about you? In your fantasies, you might be spectacularly beautiful or handsome, infinitely submissive and pliable, as flexible as a yogi and masochistic enough to take anything anybody wants to dish out. In reality, we bet, you're not. We're not, anyway. And you may feel shy, guilty or inadequate because you don't match up with the fantasy bottom in your head.

We're big fans of flexibility. The top who looks nothing like your fantasy creature might be hot, creative and

empathetic once the dungeon door closes. The scene that includes activities you'd never even considered might turn out to be the biggest turn-on imaginable. Trying to fit every dominant you meet into an exact match for the dominants who live in your head is a surefire recipe for disaster, and disrespectful besides.

And likewise — you're pretty swell too. Not perfect, of course, but who is? Instead of mourning what you're not, make a resolution to celebrate what you are - the cute, sexy bottom who's willing to explore and to do your best to make each and every scene a success.

That Darned Reality. As far as we know, nobody's ever been impotent on-line — since your playing field is your imagination, you get to have an erection as huge and durable as you want... even if you're female. Likewise, in cyberspace nobody's flogging arm ever gets tired and nobody ever gets a cramp in their foot.

Real-world play, while it has its own satisfactions, doesn't offer these advantages. Tops and bottoms in the real world get tired and sweaty, we get cramps and aches, our bodies sometimes refuse to cooperate just when we most want them to. Cyberplay doesn't necessarily do a good job of preparing us for such minor disappointments and interruptions: be prepared to process them lovingly with plenty of reassurance for yourself and your partner when necessary, and remind yourself that the joys of the flesh more than compensate us for its weaknesses.

sensations- One friend of ours played with a bottom who told him she was very experienced, a heavy masochist with a particular fondness for canes. But the first time he gave her a moderate-strength cane stroke, she safeworded. Surprised, he backed off, did a bit more warmup, and tried again — and she safeworded again. At that point he stopped the scene to find out what was wrong... and discovered that she had never received an actual physical caning before, although she'd been "cyber-caned" on many occasions.

This is, perhaps, an extreme example, but it points out an important issue. Play doesn't always feel the same way in reality that it did in your fantasies. That gloriously submissiv e kneeling posture may set off intolerable aching in your knees and thighs, that "Pulp Fiction" like leather hood might actually make it hard for you to breathe, doing your dominant's dishes may feel pretty much like, well, doing dishes, and that sexy wooden frat paddle may just be a bit too much for your very first spanking.

Even if your fantasies, or your reading, or your cyberplay, have be en extraordinarily intense, we strongly counsel caution and going slowly during your first steps into physical real ity. Some experiences will feel much worse than you thought they would, some will feel about the way you imagined them, and some will feel much, much better -

and there's plenty of time to explore them all. Be honest about your experiences and feelings and take the time to savor each new experience.

Where the Fantasy Ends. The nice thing about all your hot bottomy fantasies is that when one of them starts to feel boring or excessive, you simply stop having it for a while. When you begin to explore that fantasy in real life, you may find that being tied up and parked in a corner feels very very exciting... for about twenty minutes. Then, you start to wonder what s on TV.

As thrilling and compelling as your fantasies might be, we recommend a slow and careful approach, trying a little bit today and a little bit more tomorrow. You'd probably much rather do a scene that leaves you wanting more than one that leaves you feeling bored, angry, overwhelmed or turned off - and remember, there's always plenty of time for exploration!

**Connecting**

I n this book we teach you how to be a good bottom, an I exceptional bottom, even a great and sought-after bottom. With the skills you will learn here, you can pursue your wildest fantasies with confidence.

One of the most important qualifications you need in order to become a bottom is... at least one top. For many folks, unfortunately, this is easier said than done. There are typi cally more bottoms than tops in any given S/M

scene, and good tops - skilled, empathetic, ethical and uninhibited — are a rare and precious commodity.

If you read this book and take it to heart, we guarantee that you will have made yourself a better and hence more desirable bottom. But building a better bottom doesn't necessarily mean that the world will beat a path to your ass.

How can people know what a spectacular and devoted bottom you are if they've never met you?

Here are a few ways chat people we know have found tops - as one-time play partners, for ongoing play relationships, and even as life partners.

Ads and Such. Placing and answering personal ads can and does pay off for many people - and now, with many newspapers, magazines, Usenet newsgroups, private mailing lists and World Wide Web sites offering personal ads, you have a lot more options in terms of what you can say and where you can say it.

Who cruises the ads? Probably a lot of people more or less like you. If you've never placed or answered a personal ad before, you might believe that only losers use the ads. But actually, advertisers and answerers come from a wide range of fairly ordinary folk - maybe not conservative enough to restrict their choices to their church's singles group, but wanting something more connected and intelligent than trying to pick up partners in a bar where loud music and alcohol make conversation virtually impossible. Both of us have had experiences in which we've answered a personal ad and found out that the person on the other end was already a friend of ours - which may sound a little embarrassing but can actually led to a decision to try out a little friendly play. ("Hey, I never knew you were into that!")

There is a normal progression to how you meet someone from the ads. You respond to an ad, or get a response to yours, either by e-mail or, if the ad is in the paper, by voice mail. After some back-and-forth communication in these modes, you exchange phone numbers and chat on the phone. If the future still looks rosy, or at least attractive, then you arrange to meet in person for a coffee date or the like, with no intention of leaping into bed or the dungeon. In the argot of the ads, the first meeting is where you determine if there is "chemistry," by which they mean magic, which really means whether there's a spark of attraction between you and the other person.

These meetings - by e-mail, phone and in person — are all opportunities to share information about likes and dislikes, to decide if this person wants to play the same game as you do.

If you decide that you're ready to try placing an ad, read pages 33 to 35 about the Yes/No/Maybe exercise and do it by yourself before you write your ad, so that you're working fro m good clear knowledge of what you're looking for and what doesn't interest you. You also need to be working from a lot of knowledge about yourself. Some people get together with a friend for support when writing an ad: your friend can help you brainstorm a list of things that arc attractive about you (melting eyes, incisive wit, playfulness, intelligence, creativity, sensuality and the like). Or, if you must write alone, start out by writing down a list of ten attributes that would make someone very lucky to get you.

If age, appearance or body image are worrying you, fear not. The people who cruise the ads come in all shapes and sizes themselves, and many recognize that being sexy is not the exclusive province of the young and thin. If you put yourself out there honestly, then you're likely to reach so meone who honestly wants you - whereas if you're dishonest, all you'll catch is someone who wants somebody else, which won't do you any good at all.

Some information you might want to include in your ad: your gender, age range, body type, particular kinds of play that interest you, kinds of play that don't interest you, any extenuating factors such as existing relationship commitments or busy work schedules, and what kind of relationship you want (Long-term committed or just-for-fun? Monogamous or open? Basically egalitarian, or an ongoing exchange of power?). Do _not_ fib about any of these items — that's dishonest and a terrible way to start off a relationship.

Print ads vary widely in terms of what they'll let you say about your BDSM desires - be as clear about your interests and playstyle as the paper you're advertising in will all ow. Gay and lesbian papers usually give greater latitude than heterosexually oriented or mainstream papers, although some urban lifestyle weeklies are pretty open-minded. If you live in an area with conservative papers that don't allow words like "dominant,"

"submissive," "S/M," "top" and "bottom," consider yourself lucky if you can place an ad that clearly conveys your interests at all. Try catch-phrases such as "meek," "obedient," "strong sensation," "overwhelmed," etc., or talk

about works of literature that are S/M-oriented.

Kink-oriented newsgroups, mailing lists and websites are relatively uncensored, so you can be quite explicit about what you want and what you have to offer. Be sure that the group you're posting to allows personal ads — very few discussion-only groups and lists do, and if you post an ad in o ne of these groups, you can expect to find your inbox full of nasty e-mails the next day. However, there are plenty of groups that are specifically oriented toward personals, or that allow all forms of content including personals.

No matter what venue you choose for your ad, be sure to do lots of up-front communication with potential tops before you actually play. Back in Janet's novice-top days (which to ok place in a smaller community than San Francisco), she used to meet potential bottoms almost exclusively by answering their personal ads. Her first letter or call to them was an instruction to "write down your most submissive fantasy and send it to me."

First-Time Meetings. Even after you've exchanged a lot of e-mails and phone calls and letters and such, its a good idea to be very, very careful about your first face-to-race meeting.

Good ways to meet a new friend for the first time might include meeting at a public gathering such as a club meeting or a "munch" (a gathering of kinky folks in a non-kink setting such as a restaurant or bar). Or you might meet in a public place such as a restaurant; scout around until you can find one with a busy and well-lit parking lot or entrance so you can walk safely to and from your transportation. Do _not_ meet an unknown potential play partner in her home, or in a private place such as an abandoned outdoor location.

And wherever you're meeting your partner, make sure someone knows where you are, who you'll be with, and when you're due back, and the person you're meeting knows that you've shared that information. This advice holds true regardless of your gender or orientation.

When it comes time for an actual play date, we counsel the use of a "silent alarm" (sometimes called a "safe call").

You make arrangements with a trusted friend: the friend knows who you're with, where, and for what purpose.

Your play partner knows you've made this agreement with an outsider.

You agree to call your friend at a time after you're sure your date should be over. You may want to agree on a

"code word" you can include in your conversation to let your friend know that you're OK, and a different "code word" that says "I'm in trouble, get help." If your friend doesn't receive the call at the appointed time, he is to assume you need help and act accordingly: you and the friend should decide together ahead of time what kind of action is appropriate, up to and including calling the police to go make sure that everything's OK.

Do It Yourself. Another way to find a top is to "build your own." If you are already partnered and your partner is open to experimentation, or if you live in an area where there is no S/M community and thus little to no chance of finding an experienced and self-realized top, this may be your best bet.

If your top-to-be is a little freaked out by the whole idea, you'll have to move slowly. Our book When Someone You Love Is Kinky is designed to help explain kinky play to vanilla folks and may be a good way to open up a discussion. It will also help you think through how you want to pro ceed if your friend/lover/partner/spouse wants nothing to do with the whole idea - which we hope won't happen to you.

Once you've got your potential top ready to at least give it a try, the trick is to teach gently and slowly, to setde for less than you may want as she gets a sense of what leathersex is like, and to give lots of praise and appreciation (first-rime topping can be very scary!). Be prepared to process well-meaning mistakes. Also be aware that your new top may know little or nothing about play except for the unrealistic, nonconsensual picture painted by S/M

porn. Showing her your beloved copy of "Bullwhip Babes" and saying "See, this is what I want you to do to me"

is almost sure to be a bad idea: learning to be a top, just like learning to walk, ride a bike or write a book, takes place one step at a time. Remember, there's always a future, and you don't have ro do it all in your first session.

We have both heard of novice tops who have trouble distinguishing b etween BDSM play and abuse, not because they want to be abusive, but because they figure that's what bottoms "really" want. Realistic how-to books and

magazines like those listed in the bibliography are an excellent antidote.

Its fine at first to teach your novice top exactly how you want to be topped... but realize that sooner or later, if he has any genuine top energy, he is going to want to try something that you hadn't thought of but that turns him on.

If the proposed activity isn't a "hard limit" for you, we suggest you hold on tight and enjoy the ride... you might discover a whole new area for fantasy and experimentation!

Join the Community and Make Friends. For people who live in or near cities with good-sized BDSM

communities, there are almost certainly support groups you can join. Such groups usually offer meetings and programs where you can learn about the games you want to play They also offer the chance to make friends with a bunch of people with whom you have perversions in common, and who may know a lot that you would like to learn. Even in smaller communities that don't have formal support groups, there will probably be "munches" and other social gatherings where you can meet like-minded folks.

Joining the community is about a lot more than just finding the top of your dreams, so we don't recommend that you walk into a kinky environment solely looking for Mr. or Ms. Right. Meet as many people as you can: they may or may not be folks you will actually play with, but if they've been around the community for a while, they can probably make introductions, fill you in on gossip and backgrou nd, and maybe even get you parry invitations.

Friends can "mentor" you through difficult phases with support and advice. 1 hey can also get the word out regarding your skills and charms as a bottom and as a person, and can tell you about tops whose playstyle might be a fit for yours.

Janet's life partner started out as her friend and mentor; since both of them were at that time exclusively top, it didn't occur to her to look at him as a possible partner until a bit later. They've been together for well over a decade now.

The moral to this section: joining the community is a key step in making your dreams come true. Find it. meet everyone and be as friendly and pleasant as you can. We guarantee y ou will learn a lot and have fun - let the play partners fall where they may. Soon enough, you'll get to fall too... at their feet, perhaps?

**Choosing Tops**

Once you've followed one or more of the steps outlined above, you will need to start looking at the people you meet with an eye to choosing tops.

The first advice we could give you is to open your mind. Many bottoms come into S/M with a fantasy top in their head that they have been constructing every night at bedtime for who knows how many years. The mistake many people make, in the vanilla world as well as the kinky one, is to judge all the potential partners they see by how closely they fit their fantasy.

If you are matching up a real person with the picture in your mind, you are not seeing the person you are meeting.

You can't play with a figment of your imagination... and to treat a person like an object in your fantasy is disrespectful. This kind of thinking, no matter the gender or orientation of the bottom, is objectification, and will rapidly turn off or burn out potential tops. As Janet says, "A top is a lot more than a life support system for a whip."

We do advocate cruising for tops. Waiting forever for someone to choose you is unlikely to get you what you want: remember, Sleeping Beauty had to wait a hundred years. You can look around, see who you like and introduce yourself.

Try making a list of what you're looking for in a top. Many traits on the list will be qualities you'd want in any lover: honest, caring, warm, and so on. In a top, we also want someone who makes a good emotional connection, negotiates clearly and openly, has a good understanding of the diff erence between fantasy and reality, takes care of physical safety, and treats bottoms with respect (except when he's not supposed to).

We may also want tops who are nasty, domineering, pushy, stern, aggressive, and a lot of similar traits that are very sexy in a scene and a very big problem in the real world. So here we come to the difficult part. Attitude is attractive, and lot of us have a taste for rough trade. So how can you tell who to trust?

Since you are seeking somebody you want to trust a lot, it's a good idea to check references - ask several people around the community, and ask the top who he has played with who you might know. Be aware that many alternative sexuality communities are rife with politics and feuds, and that a "warning" may have to do with a personal vendetta rather than an honest safety concern: it's best to check with several different people, and to pay attention to your intuition. If an alarm bell goes off, listen to yourself, and take a little more time to explore the situation. While we don't see a need to wait a hundred years, we do like to get to know someone well enough to feel safe.

The vast majority of tops we know are responsible, honorable and civilized people whom we would trust, and have trusted, with our lives. But everybody isn't nice, and some people are drawn to BDSM for the wrong reasons

— like because they really want to do that power-over stuff. And we have been attracted to them.

There are tops who try to work out in play what would be better dealt with in a therapists office. You might find them dumping a lifetime of rage and frustration on you, and you'll hate it a lot.

There are tops who think it's hot to play dangerously. Now, we like risk as well as the next bottom, but when you hear a top speak with scorn of safewords, sobriety, safe sex or safety in general, don't play with that one.

There are tops who are rigid, cold and rejecting, unwilling or unable to make connection. You can often recognize them by their refusal to drop role, insisting on acting like a top all the time. This works for them because people who are afraid of connection feel safer when they push people away. And we have been attracted to them too.

What a challenge, to try to warm up a cold-blooded creature: aren't reptiles sexy? But too many times, you're just asking for rejection after rejection after rejection. We recommend you chase tops who are already warm and friendly.

When something goes wrong in a scene, the quality of your top is not judged by the fact that she tried something that didn't work out (within the limits of physical safety and consensuality), but by her willingness to listen to you when you tell her about it. A top whose ego is invested in always being right cannot hear feedback, and a top who cannot hear feedback is dangerous. A good top will listen, be concerned about your well-being and your enjoyment of the scene, and be flexible enough to adjust to your needs to make the scene work.

A good top cares about how you feel. When you care about how she feels too, then that platform of mutual care and respect becomes a stage for outrageously hot and nasty play.

**Getting What You Want, And Lots Of It!**

So you have dreams and fantasies of being taken, tortured, punished. Forced to submit, or submitting with joy.

Being treated like a thing or an animal or a baby. Being subjected to nearly unbearable levels of stimulation. The prospect can seem overwhelming.

But we believe that you deserve to get what you want -all of it, plenty of it. And you don't need to trade off your dignity and self-respect to get it.

A lot of people who have no experience seem to believe that to get what you want as a bottom you need to give up all of your healthy individuality and strength and power: that subm issives and masochists are less than complete people, especially less than the tops they play with. As we have already said, that's not how it really happens.

Even if you run into some people who operate on these beliefs, we encourage you to ignore other people's bad judgment, and continue being the strong, gorgeous and exciting person that you are today, even - maybe even especially - when you are on your knees.

Buying into such ridiculous judgments can pose serious obstacles to having a good time. Do you believe that you

won t be attractive as a bottom unless you have no limits, are heavily into groveling, are able to rocket into submissive headspace at the first sound of your mistress's voice, and are turned on to the point of orgasm by intensely painful stimulations that you never tried before? Well, nonsense.

If you give yourself permission to start out where you are ar.d learn about how to play with your fantasies in reality, you will become that bottom or submissive of your fantasies in a surprisingly short time. That is, if you take good care of yourself and insist on playing with tops who take good care of you too.

Some people believe that to achieve your bottom potential you need to approach every scene as if you were about to jump off a cliff with no bungee cord. That is not what has worked for us, and we have found very few tops who are eager to be there to catch such bottoms when they land. Give yourself permission to learn one step at a time, each new sensation, each challenge of submission, and do everything possible to make it easy on yourself so that you, and your top, have the best possible chance of succeeding at t he undertaking at hand. Do the easiest thing first, and then the next easiest, and soon you will be dancing thro ugh the tough stuff.

Some people seem to think safety is for sissies, but we have become eager, popular and well-respected bottoms by taking care of ourselves, and our tops, every step of the way. And it didn't take us very long to get there.

**Responsibility**

The real skills of bottoming lie in how you interact with your partners - what kind of communication you do and what kind of support you give to the wonderful people you play with . A good bottom does his end of the work of developing a scene.

So who is responsible for what? You are responsible for knowing your limits and making sure your top knows them, for communicating clearly, explaining what you want, keeping agreements, supporting your top, and helping your top get his needs met. Your top is responsible for knowing and setting her limits, respecting yours, maintaining safety, and communicating his wants and needs. Both of you are responsible for scripting, for clear negotiations, for maintaining scene space, and for closure after the scene is done.

A responsible bottom figures out what she wants, and what her limits are, and communicates this information to her top. If you're a novice, you may not have all this information just yet - but you still have to communicate what you do know about your fantasies and limits, and to share new information and insights as you gain them.

**Where Is Your Power?**

Right inside you, where it always is.

A bottom's power may not always look like power. Sometimes being powerful is about triumphing over a difficult stimulation or struggling heroically against impossible odds. Sometimes it's about calm, competence and devotion.

Sometimes it's about being secure enough to let yourself feel scared or vulnerable or small, knowing that more conventional power will be there for you when and if you need it.

Whatever kind of power bottoming brings to you, that is where you'll find your center. When you grasp your power firmly as you enter a scene, you may be surprised to discover that your sense of your own power intensifies as you play. Submission, sex, pain play: all raise power. Maybe it's part or the endorphin effect, or maybe when we feel so extremely sexy we cant help but feel magnificent. So when you are a mass of nerves contemplating your first attempt at bringing your fantasy into reality, remember this: as the power of the play overcomes the self-consciousness, as you and your top get more excited, as the juices begin to flow, you will feel incredibly powerful.

We grasp our power in order to share it. We share our power when we give the control over to the top, and together we become enormously potent.

When we fail to grasp our power, we may become overly passive or overly directive, either too needy or too

demanding. The passive bottom fails to grasp his power, and the demanding bottom, clutching shreds of power for dear life, disempowers her top: neither situation could be described as an erotic power exchange.

Bottoms who get stuck at the passive end of the spectrum come off sounding whiny, dependent, needy, clinging -

tops may feel claustrophobic around them. They are often reluctant to let a top know what they like or want ("I just want to please you!"), which leaves the top out on a limb, without a clue as to what will work for this bottom, and stranded with the entire responsibility for deciding how to pla y. The top in this position is not adequately supported by the bottom.

Bottoms who err at the overly directive end of the spectrum can be bossy, entitled, nagging, sometimes childish, demanding "do-me queens." You have a right to get your needs met, and the responsibility to get those needs met by grownup tactics and straightforward communication. When you manipulate your top, you fail to support his role as top, undermining his authority and ultimately the scene.

If you feel you are being overly passive or directive, what can you do? We suggest you start by asking yourself: Why am I not giving myself permission to ask for what I want directly? Do I have some fantasy that nothing counts unless my top spontaneously wants to do exactly what I want? This is a common hitch for some folk.


Input: "Write a passage about the importance of communication in BDSM scenes, emphasizing the need for bottoms to express their desires and limits. Also discuss the common misconceptions about fantasies and their role in setting up scenes. Finally, explain the concept of different states of consciousness during BDSM play and how they relate to the rewards bottoms seek from a scene."

Response:
Be reassured - smart tops discover early on that when they are willing to honor and acknowledge their bottoms'

fantasies, they get hotter scenes and happier bottoms for their trouble. Most tops welcome constructive suggestions — they generate new ideas for more and better play.

Your tops cannot read your mind. They can, however, enjoy hearing about what interests you, and can also tell you what interests them. When everyone puts their desires on the table, it becomes easy to figure out how to script a scene that will make everyone feel good. (The Yes/No/Maybe exercise from Chapter 3 can be of particular help here.) And when you feel secure about getting what you want, you can afford to feel generous about what your partners might want.

We will point out again that its not just okay to want your wildest fantasies, but it's actually necessary — with no desires, there would be no hot scenes at all! Remember, greed makes you generous.

**What's In It for You?**

Now that you know a lot more detail about your desires and your limits, you are well along the road to realizing your fantasies. Look at your Yes/No/Maybe list one more time from a different perspective, and see if it answers these questions: What are my goals? What are the rewards I'm looking for? This list contains the items that make up your fantasy; you will construct it step by step, like a puzzle.

And here we are back to looking at the big picture: your actual fantasy or fantasies. At this point many people, experienced players as well as novices, get really embarrassed and begin to believe that their fantasy is particularly juvenile, selfish, stupid, boring, primitive, trite, or whatever other judgments they have about themselves. The truth is that Iocs of fantasies are rather primitive, and many come from very young parts of ourselves, so they are juvenile. Fantasy is also the material from which we construct our movies, TV shows, books, songs and videos, so fantasies may also seem trite... you've probably seen them before.

It helps to understand that fantasies have a lot in common with mythology: they are stories that people become attached to for a variety of reasons, they satisfy some sexual or psychological need or want in our (probably only partially conscious) minds, they are rich in symbolism and emotional texture. These are the stories that dreams are made of.

So here are your dreams, and how are you going to use them as information to set up the scenes that you want?

We've already discussed the physical issues... now let's look at the less tangible rewards of play, which, although they can be harder to define, are the clearest description of who you want to be as a bottom.

If you tell us that all you want is to make your mistress happy, we'll send you back to the blackboard to try again.

Many tops feel completely lost with bottoms who don't have the faintest idea of what they want, and, as we have said, it's irresponsible for bottoms to expect the tops to do all the work. And there is no way to choose a top or negotiate play with a top until you have some idea of what it is you want to get from your play.

A good question to start with is: What's in it for me? What is the reward I would like to get out of this scene? Do I want to be punished? Praised? Show off? Become invisible? Who am I as a bottom? How do I want to feel?

We need to understand that there are lots of different states of consciousness we move through every day - waking and sleeping, for instance. Being turned on is a state of consciousness, and all the parts of the sexual response cycle are too. Pain play in S/M generates states of consciousness that probably relate to how our bodies produce endorphins in response to pain. Submission is, we believe, a trancelike state of consciousness which includes heightened suggestibility and a sense of calm and Tightness. And all of our scenes, physical, emotional, mental, can be looked at as efforts to get into a particular state of consciousness.

So when you understand what you're looking for from a scene - what you want to be happening in your mind, body and soul as you connect with this wonderful person who wants t o take you on this fabulous journey — you'll be all set to explain your desires and move forward to the play of your dreams.

**The New Bottoming Book**

**By: Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy**