Input:
  Write the next chapter of "The Loving Dominant". This chapter should focus on consent and its importance in BDSM relationships, the use of safewords and their different types, and the different levels of submission. It should also include a personal account from a submissive woman, Libby, about her experience and perspective.

The section on consent should explain the significance of consent in BDSM, the use of safewords to maintain it, and the different types of safewords. It should also address the ongoing debate within the community about the need for safewords and the perspective of both sides.

The section on submission should describe Libby's journey, her views on submission, and her categorization of submission into three levels: fantasy, clarity, and transparency. It should include her personal experience moving through these levels, her fears, and her eventual embrace of her submissive desires. It should elaborate on how she integrated her spirituality and her faith into her BDSM experience.

The writing style should be educational and informative, while also incorporating Libby's personal story and perspective in a descriptive and reflective voice. The tone should be respectful, non-judgmental, and sex-positive.

Response:
Consent and Consensuality

Consent is more than just an ideal for BDSM relationships; it is a touchstone, an axiom, a sacrament. Without full, knowing consent, relationships are in immediate danger of becoming brutal exploitative affairs without beauty or elegance.

Consent can vary from the very specific ("You can do this, this and this, but not that") to a simple knowing acceptance ("I trust that you will do nothing to harm me"). However, it must be constantly present and mutually respected within the relationship.

You dont have to say exactly what you mean

Safewords are central to consent in BDSM. Using these phrases permits the submissive to withdraw consent to a particular activity or terminate the scene at any point without endangering the illusion that the dominant is in complete control.

An acceptable safeword can be "no" or "stop." All that is required is that it be clearly understood as an unequivocal signal that there is a problem and the submissive wants to stop. One of my favorites is "Stop what you are doing right now or when I get loose Ill rip your balls (tits) off and shove them down your throat." It is certainly unequivocal.

However, many submissives enjoy an illusion of nonconsensuality and relish being able to beg for mercy with unrestrained fervor. For these, the use of such blandishments is an inherent part of the trappings of the scene. For them, phrases that would not be used in the heat of the scene are the best safewords. Expressions like "red light" and "give me mercy, mistress" are common. One problem that can be encountered is, that by the time a safeword is needed, the submissive may be so caught up in the excitement of the scene that he or she has forgotten what the safeword was. Another approach is simply to say (yell, scream) "safeword." In any case, the change in tone and body language as a submissive searches for the safeword is usually enough to warn a sensitive dominant that something is wrong.

Some BDSM couples have adjuncts to safewords: "slow words" and "go words." A slow word is a signal to the dominant that, while the activity is not beyond the submissives tolerance, the limit of tolerance is being approached. It is a signal, not to cease all activities but, to ease off a bit and, perhaps, to take a different route. Those who use "red light" for a safeword often use "yellow light" as a slow word.

A go word is simply a signal to the dominant that everything is all right and he or she can continue and increase the intensity of the stimulation. Again, some couples use phrases like "yes, please" and "more," but others who wish to maintain the illusion of nonconsensuality enjoy the irony of using "no" and "please stop." However, when this latter type of go word is used in a public or semi-public scene, it is advisable to inform at least some of those present that it will be used. Otherwise, an inadvertent termination of the scene by outside influences may result.

A second type of safeword is used by some people who use intense psychological stimuli as well as physical stimulation. This is a emotional safeword. While one word can be used to signal that either physical or psychological limits have been surpassed, some couples prefer to have separate safewords. This allows a submissive to signal, for example, that while the physical chastisement is still enjoyable, the humiliation has reached an unendurable point.

In some scene groups, there is a heated debate about the need for safewords. While the majority seems to concur that they are necessary, a vocal minority deems them contrary to the spirit of BDSM. The most extreme members of this group put forth the concept of irrevocable consent. That is, once a submissive has given consent to a dominant, the dominant is free to do whatever he or she wishes. This outlook seems to be most common among the gay community. During a lecture at a BDSM group, one gay dominant expressed this philosophy succinctly, stating, "If he goes home with me, hes mine until Im tired of him."

A female dominant reflected a more mutualistic viewpoint, but still rejected the concept of safewords when she said, "If I cant tell when he (the submissive) isnt enjoying it any more, I dont have the right to call myself a dominant."

A less radical outlook is that safewords are acceptable in the early stages of a relationship, but as the relationship matures they become unnecessary and reflect, a lack of confidence in the empathic abilities of the dominant.

Interestingly, this desire to drop safewords from a relationships vocabulary is often voiced by the submissive, who declares he or she wants to demonstrate absolute trust in the dominant.

It is important to recognize that a safeword benefits both parties. Many dominants value the use of a safeword because it allows them to "work closer to the edge" than would otherwise be comfortable. Particularly at the beginning of a relationship, safewords offer reality tests that assure the dominant that they are reading the submissives responses correctly.

During her initial session, a novice submissive made such a fuss, pleading and begging, when she realized that I intended to shave her pubic region, that I was unsure whether she was going with the fantasy or genuinely objecting. After she had cried, "You cant do this to me," I replied, "Of course I can, unless, that is, you use your safeword." She paused only a moment and then moaned, instead, "Ill do anything you want; just dont do this to me." Reassured, I went on mixing the lather. Safewords dont only work to make the submissive feel safe, they provide a margin of safety for the dominant.

Of course, as the relationship matures, a dominant will become more familiar with the submissives reactions and safewords become less important. However, they shouldnt ever be discarded. Fatigue, distraction or changes in the submissives physical or psychological functioning make them an important backup in all BDSM relationships.

Protect us from our "protectors"

Among some groups and individuals outside of the BDSM community, there is a vocal contention that some people are not competent to give their consent. Like most generalizations, this one has a degree of truth. The law recognizes that some individuals are separated from reality to such an extent they constitute a danger to themselves and/or to society at large. They are considered "non compos mentis," not of sound mind.

In the last few decades, exacting rules have been enacted to prevent people from being declared non compos mentis at the whim of someone in authority. However, in the past, people have been committed to mental hospitals for such minor idiosyncrasies as failing to bathe or for desiring daily sex from their spouse. In addition, certain groups, such as minors, are considered by law to lack competency and the ability to make trustworthy decisions.

Normally, it takes a pattern of irrational behavior to motivate a court to rule someone incompetent, and this ruling is deemed universally applicable. A person who is found incompetent has all of his or her decisions removed and placed in the hands of another.

However, a few of the previously mentioned groups would both narrow and broaden the definitions of competence and incompetence. For example, some extremists argue that todays society is so male-dominated that a woman cannot truly consent to any form of heterosexual intercourse, whether it is vanilla or in the context of BDSM. In effect, they argue that any act of heterosexual sex is rape, and the only consensual sexual activities a woman can engage in are with other women. Lesbian sex, by their definition, is based on equality.

Although they would hold that a woman who desires heterosexual intercourse is not competent to make that decision because of the domination of society by males, they would not extend it to the point of denying her the right to make contracts, buy property or go into business in that same society. They also fail to see that BDSM relationships thrive between lesbians, as reflected in the rich and growing body of lesbian BDSM fiction.

Others take a more moderate approach. Vanilla sex is considered acceptable as long as both partners mouth the right words about equality and acceptance. However, when someone, usually a woman, engages in BDSM activities as a submissive, it is then taken as prima facie evidence that that person is incapable of giving consent, a classic Catch-22.

It is difficult to argue with these people. Their beliefs have often hardened to such an extent that they are unable to recognize loving, supportive couples even when they meet them in person.

Moreover, there are undoubtedly individuals and couples in the scene who desire or take part in activities which most would find frightening or repulsive. _The Correct Sadist_ (a highly overrated and not particularly informative book) describes a man whose cock had been mutilated until it resembled a peeled banana. Michele, a dear friend, told me of a man whose ankle had been pierced to such an extent that he could be literally hung from a meat hook.

However, while we might desire to avert our eyes from what, to us, are "disgusting" activities, taking the approach that the participants in these activities are somehow less sane than ourselves puts us on a slippery slope. If it is possible to reject a persons ability to give consent simply on a basis of a desire for mutilation, could it not be argued that a desire for whipping or bondage would be equally likely to indicate derangement?

Moving it out of the emotionally laden sexual arena, how are we to treat those members of our society who bungee jump, body surf through pilings or race motorcycles? A cherished friend spends her vacations hundreds of meters under the ground, crawling through openings a gopher would reject with disdain. Should I judge her mentally incompetent because of this proclivity?

When we argue that because of a single desire a person lacks the ability to give consent, we are headed for a safe, sane, boring society that will eventually stamp out every scintilla of excitement and adventure.

A Submissive Writes About Submission

_This section has been written at my request, by Libby, a lovely and sensual submissive woman who has become my wife, partner and best friend. Im providing it to give you a first-hand look at how one submissive sees her submission. Her words may not be true for all submissives, but she speaks for many. Throughout the editions, it is the single most-commented-upon section in the book; because it is such an important part, the third edition is carrying both our names as authors._

I was quite squeamish as a kid, so when I told my childhood friends I was going to study biology in college they said, "You? I cant imagine you dealing with bugs, guts and gross things. It used to make you sick to your stomach to see a piece of old spaghetti in the sink." Well, yes, but once I was exposed to the lure of science I just couldnt keep from it. Im sure I would get a similar or even stronger reaction if I were to share my interest in being a submissive woman.

In my everyday life, Im a strong, competent and successful woman. Yet, even before I was exposed to the submissive role, I was called to it by my earliest childhood fantasies. My attraction to a submissive role is even stronger than the pull I feel toward my chosen professional life, because I was called to it from a place deep within me. Im not sure how the seeds of submission were planted within me, but I am driven to nurture those seeds into full bloom by "following my bliss," as Joseph Campbell would say.

So, what is submission to me? To me, submission is a desire to be special or significant. My earliest fantasies, and they were when I was very young, always involved being somehow chosen and desired. I will borrow here from the image of the goddess who is a composite of virgin, maiden and crone to describe how these forces, desires and needs coalesce within me as and reach expression through submission. The part of me that is virgin wants to always be able to approach new things in an open-minded and curious way without giving a thought to my own security. The part of me that is maiden seeks to explore passion and creativity. The chance to explore passion, sensuality and sexuality within the framework of safety that the virgin enjoys takes freedom onto the path of liberation. The crone is the wisdom part of me that is self-assured enough to look at my dark desires. If the virgin can be safe to enjoy the erotic pleasure that is awakened in the maiden, then crone may risk to surrender herself to the dark side of her soul.

Facing my uncensored soul, without turning away, looking aside or getting preoccupied in divergent energy interferences, I see a desire to surrender completely to another who is that one special person with whom I find mutual love, affection and emotional trust. Being able to do this makes me integrated, complete and whole. As the two of us become absorbed in each other we become increasingly unified and soul mates. There is always the polarity of the dominance and submission to keep our bond alive and vital.

Levels of submission

Philosophically, I have been developing a way of looking at levels of submission. In this model, trust is an integral part. I have categorized three levels of submission: fantasy, clarity and transparency. The fantasy level is where everyone starts out, and for many this is sufficient. The BDSM fantasies are varied and unique as the individuals who create them. Some are mild, like spanking or bondage, while others are what some consider edge play.

There really is no hierarchy of the fantasies, but some are obviously easier to realize than others. While they remain strictly a fantasy, no trust is involved. The fantasy level would also include mind play and some negotiated play or clearly defined and limited scenes during which trust can begin to develop.

In the next level, power transfer begins, and there is great opportunity for trust to develop. I call this level "clarity" because there is a clear understanding of what power is being transferred. This is often stipulated by contracts and limited by the establishment of safewords. The submissive is watchful at first and careful to determine that the dominant is technically competent, as well as caring and comforting. The range of activities is again determined by the mutual fantasies involved.

Because of the range, there is a great deal of diversity among the so-called real dominants. As trust develops, so does the relationship. For some involved in BDSM activities, it is sufficient to have these times set aside for scenes, but for others the trust building helps to develop the relationship outside of the BDSM activities. There is a continuum within this level with functional scenes at one end and real relationships at the other.

In the third level, called transparency, the partners know each other well, and trust for personal safety is well established. Safewords are still operative, but they are not as necessary because the dominant has a sharper awareness of the submissives limits. Paramount in this level is excellent communication and a willingness for each to trust the other with what is truly within their hearts and souls.

In this level, one begins to establish emotional trust, a kind of, "I trust my body, safety and pleasure to you. Now, may I also trust you with my emotions, hopes and other desires?" It is here, with the passion-desires of the maiden having been met, the fully realized woman, incarnated as goddess, begins to hope and believe her relationship-desires and drive to be special or chosen can be met. Many BDSMers move into this level, but it takes ongoing work to maintain transparent trust.

The experience of submission

Well, what is it like to step across that threshold from fantasy into clarity? Ive had BDSM or S&M or B&D fantasies as far back as I can remember. As I came to realize these sexual fantasies, I was a bit ill at ease, thinking I was a masochist. None of the terms to describe what I felt seemed to capture what seemed to me to be very natural, exciting and compelling.

I feared enacting my fantasies for several reasons: that I would not be safe doing so, that I would verify that I was a pervert, and that reality would not be as good as fantasy. I believed that somehow I would be able to negotiate safety and be able to deal with the pervert label if I acted on this desire, but I was very reluctant to give up exciting sexual energy that I derived from the fantasy.

After a while, I knew that I would have to at least have to find out. It actually took more courage to get over being a BDSM virgin than to lose my virginity in the first place. Behind the mask of a computer bulletin board, I felt safe enough to talk about it. I stalked my lover on a national family-oriented bulletin board after I found out he had BDSM interests and experience. I had long thought about answering BDSM or B&D personal advertisements, but an image of a snickering and licentious sadist always prevented me.

This computer bulletin board stalking did allow me to discover things about him outside his BDSM interest which made him seem like a reasonable risk to me. After stalking for a while, I wrote him a private email that said, simply, I shared his interests. He wrote back, and a week later I was on my way to visit him in NYC.

We met on leap-year day. To me this was symbolic of taking a leap into this new and wonderful world. In that twenty-four hours, we did several scenes, went to The Vault where, in spite of my reservations, I did my first public scene. In this first encounter, I felt that the innocence of the virgin and the wisdom of the crone were operative, but the passion of the maiden had not really been released.

For me, reality was much better than fantasy. The world of BDSM is replete with contrasts and polarity, but when I first entered this stage of clarity, I was quite surprised to feel an ambivalence when I reentered my vanilla routine.

When I awoke the first morning back at home, I felt ambivalent about proceeding any further, despite a wonderful rest caused by having had my body sensually satisfied to the point of exhaustion. I wanted to run right back and do it all over again, but I kept asking myself if I wasnt I was dragging my body somewhere my mind was not yet prepared to go. I realized that, in giving BDSM a try, I had been trusting myself and my perceptions about the situation. However, to go any further, I would have to trust my mentor, and this scared the living daylights out of me. I had tapped into my own passion, the lioness within me had roared, and she would not again be silent. The maiden was about to be liberated.

Losing control is a common fear in the trust-building stage of clarity. One submissive who was playing in the fantasy stage asked me how I could give my mind over to someone. My response was that, in the process of submission, my mind does drift off, and it can drift off quite a bit, but this happens in a most pleasant way.

Initially, fear can make it seem like a battle of wills, but as fear is replaced with trust the battle becomes a dance. Often, when someone dances with another person for the first time, they find themselves stepping on each others feet. Eventually, as each becomes used to the others style, they begin to move as one. If one listens to the music with the heart and responds with the will it is truly a brand new and exciting dance.

Physically, submission is hard to describe to one who does not have submissive tendencies burning within the soul. I had, long ago, accepted that I must be a masochist. This was not a very pleasant thought, but it was the only term I could find anywhere that described my taste for pain. I knew that I did not like being hurt. In fact, I am a wimp when it comes to what I call real pain, but I and many other submissives can only describe the joy of a whipping or a spanking as increased intensity. The language is truly impoverished in trying to describe the physical feeling.

Because there is clearly a sexual component, and most people recognize the nebulous word "turn-on," perhaps, I should just say that I am turned on by acting on my submissive urges and feeling the physical aspects of submission, such as bondage, whipping, spanking, waxing or needle piercings.

I have always been a spanking enthusiast. It still elicits the strongest sexual response in me. When I am spanked, my vaginal juices flow like a fountain, and sexual tension builds in my clitoris into a tidal wave force that longs to be relieved by an enormous orgasm. Whipping has the added smell and feel of leather, the caress and sting of the leather providing contrast in sensation and in emotion.

Bondage was not initially a primary turn-on for me. I asked some of my submissive friends why bondage is such a turn-on, and typically, the answer was that it made them feel secure or allowed them to be sexual. As I have grown to trust my dominant partner, I have become more willing to be rendered helpless before being disciplined. The symbolic, consensual helplessness heightens the physical response and amplifies the pre-orgasmic sexual tension.

Waxing is something that I had never heard of before becoming involved in BDSM, but I really love the sensation. First, I experience anticipation as I see the wax from the burning candle building up into a small hot puddle. The wax splashing on the skin is somewhat like a hot rain drop, but as it quickly cools, it feels like a point of massage oil. There seems to be a direct line connected to the clitoris, making the sexual response even more intense.

These are just a few examples of how I experience submission physically. To those who still feel you have to ask, "Why do you enjoy pain?" The answer is, I have the strongest and best multiple orgasms this way.

_Integrating spirituality and ritual_

Looking at the stage of transparency takes me into the arena of deep trust. For many it has a spiritual component. I am called to the reality of BDSM from within what I understand to be my soul. All of my religious upbringing and the faith development that took place in adult life led me to accept this truth.

I can no more deny this call than the Biblical prophets could deny their call. I have seen this in others as well, others who risk more in the way of heart and home than I do by answering the impulse within.

The word soul represents an individuals ideas, feelings, hopes, fears and desires. Everything that shapes us, surrounds us or in any way influences us rests within this soul. When one senses the stirring within ones soul it is nearly impossible to not heed impulses, whatever they may be. For me, the most satisfactory image of soul comes from the ancient Greeks, who viewed the different aspects of the soul with different deities. Psyche, the spirit, was married to Eros, the body. To me, this is why the call is so strong, It is a call to be whole, to be integrated and happy within.

It often comes up that there is a strong similarity between religious experience and BDSM experience. I have been asked, "Do the submissives feelings in a BDSM relationship compare to other control/ surrender situations?" For me, it is more than a similarity. BDSM is part of my spiritual journey. I would call it a faith experience rather than religious. Anyone who experiences the joy of new-found faith is often willing to give up control to God. In mature faith, however, one finds that God speaks to ones heart through the community and through the aching and longings within the heart.

To listen to the spirit that calls beyond what you are takes courage. You know it is a right move spiritually when you feel peace about the decision, and the move is affirmed by the community. Often in new faith and in new BDSM experience people think that they are giving themselves totally. In both cases, preconceptions and "the way it ought to be" mentality are cast aside in order to make room for new fulfillment. But, in neither case, do people abandon who they are at the core of their existence. Instead, they often find that they become more true to themselves.

Rituals within the BDSM scene may seem like a very strange concept, but they cant be discounted. Patriarchal religions have long attempted to separate the holy from the body – especially from the sexual aspects of the body. Yet, if there is one way the almighty could be sure that we would go forth and multiply, it is by a marvelous gift of sexual drive.

I associate the act of submission with ritual. Many of the toys we use in BDSM play are phallic symbols: knives, sticks, candles and needles. The vaginal symbols are more subtle, bowls, water or other liquids that flow such as melted wax. During a scene, beyond the enjoyment of the participants, there is a symbolic reality expressed that says sexuality is part of who and what we are.

My Catholic background makes me think of a BDSM scene as similar to a liturgy, where the actions or props are symbolic of a spiritual truth. For me, the spiritual truth in BDSM is that we are greater together than alone. The polarity of our BDSM roles symbolize the uniqueness of individuals, and we approach the divine by the ecstasy of the scene being acted out.

I often play out in my mind a scene where I symbolically give my gift of submission. It starts with two of us walking to the center of the scene or ritual space. My outer clothing is vanilla, and I have on a priest-like stole, a symbol of authority and power, that is rainbow-colored. This shows that we start out as equals. Pacabels Canon begins softly and slowly grows louder. As the music becomes manifest, I kneel down, bow and then take the stole and remove it from myself and place it on my lover.

He motions me to take off my vanilla outer clothing, and I do. As a symbol of a willingness to become vulnerable, he puts cuffs on me, a symbol that I trust being helpless before him. Here, I would feel the fire. It might be real fire on skin or my skin reddened and warmed by the whip, symbolic of passion. Pachelbels Canon finishes, and Webers Music of the Night begins. This music by itself is symbolic of spiritual journey as it talks of letting fantasies unwind and letting the darker side give in. At this point, there is a waxing, symbolizing fire and light. The fire in the candle is symbolic of the fire in the soul, and the image of light coming into darkness is replete with symbolism.

As the music crescendos, the lyrics ring out, "You alone can make my soul take flight. Help me make the music of the night." We embrace and caress. This, to me, is symbolic of reaching heights in a journey that one could not reach alone. As the music dies down, we move apart. He takes off the stole and holds it out in front of him, draped over his hands. He bows. I return the bow, and, while my head is still submissively bent, he replaces the stole around me as a symbol of power returned. We again embrace and kiss as equals.

While this BDSM ritual is in many ways reminiscent of liturgical dance, it does fit my own fantasies of being exposed and becoming known deeply and intimately by another so it is still a personal expression. When I think of a private scene, it seems like private prayer and as such is open to multitude of diverse expression.

Submission as personal growth

Being a submissive woman has taken me on a journey that has challenged my preconceived ideas, and it has forced me into values clarification. The life force or spirit within me has been strengthened, and continue to be guided by the spirit of Goddess/ God in every step of the journey. I have gone beyond pain and pleasure into a world of selfdiscovery, personal fulfillment and community outreach. I have discovered a side of me that is curious about my previously repressed bisexual nature and a receptivity to open relationships.

At times, I have felt like Abraham in the Old Testament when he was asked to give back to God his son, who was to be the instrument of Gods promise. How could I give up the values of my youth or the hard-won advances of the feminists who have gone before me? Listening to that small voice within, I have been abundantly blessed, like Abraham was, when I trusted the spirit within rather than conventional wisdom. At other times, Ive felt like I was an unwilling prophet like Noah or Paul. It has seemed that I have been compelled to be a prophet of a new sensuality as they were called to spread the word of God. My early faith development and refinement, even though it was in a very patriarchal religion, has taught me to live through questions. Being submissive may have put chains on my body, but it has removed my soul from bondage.


Input:
 Discuss the concept of pain in BDSM, and how it is not always negative or avoided, but can be pleasurable and sought after.

Mention how there seem to be different types of pain, and how the same stimulus can be painful in one context but pleasurable in another.

Compare this to the concept of stress, which has been studied to have two types: eustress (positive) and distress (negative).

Explain how in BDSM, there are positive pains and negative pains, and how they are differentiated by the individual's experience and the context of the scene.

Describe how a skilled dominant can navigate this complex landscape by reading the submissive's responses and adjusting the stimulation accordingly.

Mention how control and trust are also important factors in determining whether a painful stimulus is experienced as positive or negative.

Finally, emphasize the importance of trust in BDSM, and how it can make even intense pain pleasurable when it is within the context of a trusting and consensual relationship.

Write this as a descriptive and informative text, using a respectful and non-judgmental tone that is appropriate for an educational piece on BDSM.

Response:
A Feast of Joy…A Dish of Pain

One of the things that makes discussing BDSM so difficult is the word pain. Submissives dont necessarily seek pain, even though many enjoy many forms of pain as part of the play. What many of us do would seem to be painful, but most dictionary definitions of pain include phrases like, "leading to evasive actions" or "which are avoided." Yet, these stimuli, far from being avoided, are sought. Therefore, BDSM actions cannot be pain. Or, can they?

This conundrum reminds me of a story about a politician, who being asked if he opposed liquor, said, "Are you referring to the demon rum that destroys lives, reduces families to ruin, and is the shame of our cities, or are you referring to the delicious elixir that rejuvenates the tired, gives peace to the troubled, and contributes so much in taxes to our national treasury?"

The problem seems to lie in a failure of the English language. Obviously there seem to be at least two, and perhaps more, kinds of pain. Ive never known a submissive who got off on a stomach ache from a bad hotdog. However, many greatly enjoy the very similar pain resulting from an enema. A swat from a closing spring-loaded door is annoying, but one from a leather-clad lover is exciting.

Nor is enjoyment simply situational. More than once I have had to pause during a session to untangle a strap which was pinching my submissive or to ease her leg cramps. Why did these pains bring her down when she was receiving a substantially greater pain from the whipping, strapping or waxing?

The answer could be that the pains are different. Popular myth has it that Eskimos have dozens of different words for snow. We have only one word for pain, which is another interesting shortcoming for English.

As far as I know, psychologists have not examined this terminology shortfall. However, there has been considerable research into stress, which affects the body much like pain. The stress researchers found that there are two kinds of stress, eustress (good stress) and distress (bad stress). Interestingly, the distinction between these two stresses is completely within the soul of the individual. Where one person might see a roller coaster ride as the high point of her day, another might find it a glimpse into hell.

The same stress can be distress for an individual at one time and eustress at another. We all know individuals who revel in the push and tug of office politics. However, occasionally, even these political animals get fed up and need to get away when the eustress of political infighting becomes distress.

People in BDSM instinctively recognize that there are positive pains and negative pains. Our discussions are laden with indirect references to them. We may talk about something that "gets me off" or "sends me somewhere else," while another activity/toy/person "turns me off" or "brings me down."

Often, at the beginning of a session, we are dealing with a relatively narrow cone of positive pain. Most submissives prefer to begin with some relatively light, sensual, familiar stimulation. As the level of endorphins build and the submissive gets into his or her space, the cone of positive pain widens, and the dominant has a broader range of stimulation to choose from.

This is where experience and sensitivity come in. By riding just short of the edge where positive pain becomes negative, the dominant can take the submissive to heights of pleasure she never knew she could reach. However, crossing over that edge, moving outside the cone of positive pain, can distract the submissive and shatter the spirit of the scene.

This is what creates the intensity of communication between the submissive and the dominant. Body language, tone and timbre of cries, and even odor, provide clues that allow an experienced dominant to bring the submissive right up to the edge without crossing it. To make matters even more complex, this edge does not lie at a particular point on the submissives pleasure map, nor is the passage to it analogous to reaching a conventional wall or barrier. The edge varies from day to day and is responsive to the pace, timing of the stimulation and tool employed. In fact, in the non-Euclidian space of BDSM, it is also possible to go beyond the edge without passing it.

For example, a particular submissive may be in sheer heaven with hours of firm measured spanking but may reach the edge rather quickly with a few swats of the cane. Conversely, the cane may produce a marked negative reaction when used early in the session, but it could be welcomed as a scene-ender which drives that particular submissive right into paroxysms of pleasure when preceded by extensive stimulation with other toys.

Another thing that differentiates the kinds of pain is a sense of control and trust. Recently, doctors have been fitting patients with small pumps, which the patients can dose themselves with pain medication. To many peoples surprise, the patients used less medication than they would have been given in a typical nurse-supplied situation. It wasnt that doctors and nurses had been overdosing patients; the patients who could control their own pain could tolerate more of it. They were in control of the situation.

This may explain why a twisted strap or cramp can be painful and a whip pleasant. The strap and cramp are unexpected and uncontrolled. There is no assurance that no harm will be done. The whip, on the other hand, is controlled by someone seen as trustworthy, one who would not inflict lasting or gratuitous harm. The submissive recognizes either overtly or covertly that he or she has the overriding say in the scene.

Because the previously mentioned cramp wasnt part of the script between myself and my submissive, it was, therefore, frightening and painful. It was an alien intrusion into this dance of trust and submission. Since I did not control it, my submissive did not even have the indirect control over the stimulation to which she had become accustomed. This created a sense of negative pain, and she used her safeword to bring the situation once again under control.

This sense of control over the outer parameters of the scene may also explain why experienced submissives playing with unfamiliar dominants are unable to tolerate the same degree of stimulation they would enjoy with familiar partners.

It is the development of this trust that is the test of a true dominant. It is fragile, easily broken and can rarely be mended seamlessly. However, it is a treasure beyond price and the key that opens fantasy to reality.


Input:
 The chapter deals with the difficulties that submissives and dominants face when searching for partners who share their interests. It explains that due to the stigma and social taboo surrounding BDSM, many people are hesitant to openly advertise their interests, making it challenging to find compatible partners. The chapter also describes the different types of people one may encounter in the search for a partner, including mindfuckers, blackmailers, and confidence tricksters.

The chapter offers advice on protecting oneself from these negative elements and provides tips on how to conduct oneself in online and offline spaces to attract genuine and compatible partners. It suggests being honest, patient, and open-minded in one's search, and emphasizes the importance of building trust and establishing communication before progressing to physical intimacy.

It also discusses the role of anonymity in online interactions and the prevalence of fake profiles and scams, advising caution and due diligence in verifying a person's identity and intentions before sharing personal information or money.

The chapter further explores the idea of physical distance and how it may affect the search for a partner, noting that with the internet, people can connect with individuals from all over the world, but this may also mean that their perfect match could be thousands of miles away. It emphasizes the need to consider this distance when deciding whether to pursue a long-distance relationship and the importance of making informed decisions based on one's needs and safety.

Lastly, it describes the various ways people can seek partners, including through online platforms, clubs, organizations, and events. It highlights the importance of being respectful, considerate, and safe in these spaces, and the need to follow rules and guidelines set by these establishments. It notes that while these places can be exciting and offer opportunities to meet like-minded individuals, they also come with their challenges, such as dealing with tourists and maintaining a balance between public and private displays of affection.

Write this section based on the above description, adding more details as appropriate.

Response:
Stalking the Wild Submissive

The single most common question in BDSM is, "How do I find a submissive?" (Im also asked, "How do I find a dominant?" but thats another book.) Occasionally, it is spoken with an air of angry frustration as if there should be a branch of Subs R Us on every corner. More often, the tone is one of frustration and disappointment.

I wont sugarcoat the truth. It is difficult and frustrating for both sides in this eternal dance. If you are seeking a male submissive, remember that you are asking him to admit to desires contrary to every precept he was brought up to hold. If you are seeking a female submissive, keep in mind that by admitting her desires, she could be seen to be rejecting gains that women have slowly and painfully made over the last twenty, fifty, one hundred years. Is it any wonder the streets are not filled with people wearing buttons reading "Im Submissive; Take Me"?

There are basically two routes to your goal. One is to attract an individual who has already made up his or her mind that submission is the desired path. The other is to help a potentially submissive person liberate his or her feelings. Neither is easy.

Lets look at the first path. On the surface, it looks smooth. We have a group of submissives looking for dominants and a group of dominants looking for submissives. Put them together and all will be well. In an ideal world, this would be true. Unfortunately, youre not looking for just "a submissive." You want someone whose needs and desires complement your own.

To make things harder, within each group, there is a smaller group of people who are not what they seem. Each group includes mindfuckers, blackmailers and outright confidence tricksters. Removing them from the mix sometimes seems like an overwhelming task. (I should note here that there is also a kind of play called "mindfucking." The kind of lowlife Im referring to has no relation to that.) Well talk more about these people in a few pages.

Submissives are looking for someone strong in spirit and confident, someone to whom they can entrust their safety. A seemingly frenzied search does not present these qualities to the onlooker.

Perhaps, the best approach for a dominant to take is presented, somewhat tongue in cheek, in this short parable written on Prodigy by a Midwestern dominant.

Somewhere in the stormy North Atlantic, aboard the USS Dominance:

"Captain…our sonar shows subs lurking in the area." "Easy, Mr. Libido. Well let them come to us."

"Begging your pardon, Captain, but shouldnt we be seeking them out?"

"Mr. Libido, you obviously dont know how the USS Dominance retains its control over the high seas."

A klaxon horn goes off, and an urgent voice blares from the loudspeaker. "Sub sighted off the starboard bow!"

"All hands, this is Mr. Libido! Man your battle stations! Full speed ahead!"

"Mr. Libido! You will rescind those orders and never dare to overstep your authority on my ship again!"

"Captain, the USS Dominance is a dominant ship!"

"Exactly, Mr. Libido. And as a dominant ship under my command she will stay her course while the sub approaches. Stand down from battle stations. Steady as she goes."

"Captain, as Executive Officer on this ship I must protest your extraordinarily passive behavior in the presence of a sub."

"Mr. Libido, protest if you will, but the sub will be handled my way, or it will not be handled at all."

"Sir, do you mean we will capture it by projecting a calm, secure image on the rough seas?"

"Mr. Libido, continue to learn. One day you will be a captain of a dominant ship yourself."

Rose, a New York submissive, phrased it this way: "I like a guy who respects himself. He is more likely to respect me and my gift to him. He is more likely to take care of himself, and by extension of me. I like a guy who understands that trust of this depth can only evolve if we take our time.

"Some guys always overdrive their headlights, no matter how rotten the driving conditions. That doesnt mean that I dont like to travel fast — only that there is a time and place for that and the beginning is figuring out where all the buttons are and what they do.

"Finally, since this is all about domination and submission, shaping behaviors and pleasing each other, I like a guy who understands at least the rudiments of shaping behavior. Some people are natural-born dominants, masters or trainers, but that doesnt mean the skills cant be learned. And there are lots of rules about shaping behavior that apply, no matter whom youre shaping."

Making contact

There are various media outlets for avowed dominants and submissives to seek each other out: newspapers, magazines, the Internet, clubs and associations.

Whatever the medium, the method is to give and gain trust, for a dominant must earn the trust of a submissive by being trusting, while keeping alert for those who are flying false colors. Submissives look for this trust in an attempt to separate us from the nonconsensual sadists and those who would do them harm. Unfortunately, there are those among them who would use this trust to hurt us.

Because of this danger, it is a good idea not to reveal too much about yourself during initial contacts. This, naturally, is directly at odds with the need to give trust. It is a delicate balance, not susceptible to easy solution.

Its also good to keep a sense of humor. This may not seem easy when you feel as if your beating heart has been ripped from your chest by some bastard or bitch, but life goes on. Its important to keep both the victories and defeats in proportion.

Without going into details, Ill draw an illustration from my own life when things looked extremely black, so black in fact that I was sitting on my porch looking at a shotgun and debating using it to end the pain. As I sat there, I realized I needed to take a piss. At first, it enraged me that so physical a feeling should be intruding on the depth of despair I was feeling. But, then I really, really needed to take a piss. It hurt. Suddenly, I realized just how shallow a person I was to let a thing like a full bladder encroach on a moment of metaphysical torment. I broke out laughing, I pissed, and I went on with my life.

Contact at a distance

This is the section of _Loving Dominant_ which has undergone the most "sea changes" as one edition follows another. Part of the changes have been due to advances in technology. When the first edition was being written, the Internet was still mostly a thing of corporations, universities and governments. Most people who had online lives did so with thirty-baud dial-up modems and connected directly to bulletin board systems, which could be as huge as Prodigy or CompuServe or as small as a home computer in someones spare room. Now, high speed lines connect homes to an information superhighway, and the webs potential has increased exponentially. But one thing remains the same. People want to meet people, and computers provide powerful tools to do so.

Before the Internet, magazine and newspaper advertisements were the preferred way to cast a wide, but impersonal, net over a large population. There were kink- dedicated, kink-friendly publications like _Latent Image,_ or swinging magazines where you could spell out exactly what you wanted. More difficult were vanilla publications where a kind of code was prevalent. Submissives would talk about "wanting to surrender to an assertive man/ woman" or "give up control." Dominants would mention seeking someone "restrained" or "passive." Often, literary references supplied the clues. "I loved reading _Exit to Eden/Story of 0/ Venus in Furs"…_ with the writer hoping the minimum-wage toiler on the advertising desk wouldnt be able to pick up the reference.

It is interesting that this same sort of subterfuge was necessary on some online systems in the early days. Prodigy, for one, was initially very anti-BDSM and would refuse to post messages referring to any sort of scene play. The kinky folks quickly found that they could gather in the literature section and post comments about Anne Rices Beauty books that were, in reality, thinly disguised description of their interests and activities.

Now most of these magazines are things of the past, and computers are the modern way to meet others who share your interests. During a class at The Boston Dungeon Society, one female instructor casually commented, "I dont know how anyone can be serious about their sex life if they dont have a computer." It got a big laugh, but the point was serious. As the computer came of age, people realized that they had a very powerful tool for communicating as well as calculating. By linking the computers to other computers, people have created thousands of networks both large and small, which can help people of similar interests find each other.

One of the most attractive facets of most computer systems is anonymity. Most systems allow you to choose a name that serves as both an identification and as a mailing address. Your true name is a closely guarded secret.

This is both a positive and a negative thing.

The anonymity permits you and the other people to have frank, honest discussions on subjects which might be impossible to broach if your true identity were online. Many, dominant and submissive, male and female, feel they might be in danger of social condemnation if our vanilla friends and colleagues learned of kinky interests. Online, we can let our hair down and be ourselves, protected by the shield of anonymity.

The dark side of the "cyber mask" is that it plays into the hands of those whom believe "honesty" is just a word in the dictionary.

If you spend any significant amount of time in the scene, particularly online, you will encounter mindfuckers and confidence tricksters. Although they are most prevalent online, drawn there by the anonymity of the exchanges, they arent a creation of the computer age. Back, as Libby often puts it, "when dinosaurs roamed the Earth," people in the scene often made contact through classified advertisements. One knowledgeable individual from that era put the percentage of fake advertisements at more than ninety percent.

One fuel for this engine of deception was the reply mechanism. You were expected to send a letter in a sealed envelope with the advertisers code number written in pencil on the outside. This was supposed to be accompanied by a fee and a loose stamp. Since the publishers made money from both selling the advertisement and forwarding the reply, many succumbed to the temptation to create false advertisements and simply pocketed the reply fees (and the unattached stamp). Some recent lawsuits indicate that online dating services may be following a similar strategy to run up their numbers, increase advertising fees and tempt more people into becoming paying members.

As Alphonse Karr put it in 1849, _"Plus ça change, plus cest la même chose,"_ or "The more things change the more they stay the same."

A common form of deception is often called "the mindfucker." Some of these mindfuckers seem have no malevolent intent, but they are simply confused or terrified by what they want. Others are just intentionally cruel.

The most common encounter of this type begins with the exchange of a series of passionate notes or phone calls, in which she or he seems to be everything you ever wanted and more. You get hotter and hotter – and suddenly the contact is broken off. A crueler scenario could have you traveling hundreds and perhaps thousands of miles to have no one waiting for you when you arrive.

There is really no perfect defense from these people. The old saying, "If it seems too good to be real, it is," applies. Getting as much information about the submissive as possible before committing to any major inconvenience or making any significant commitment is key. However, many genuine submissives are reluctant to give out much information to a relative stranger because there are nuts masquerading as dominants, too. Therefore, you must strike a balance between what you perceive as a risk and what you have as a need.

The same rule applies to the confidence tricksters. However, they generally reveal themselves in their singleminded search for money. The scenario goes like this – she (males are most often the victims here) seems to be your dream partner. There is an exchange of letters and, perhaps, phone calls. She informs you that she wishes to fly to your arms and dungeon, but she doesnt have the price of a plane ticket. Would you…?

This is not to say that there are no dominants and submissives who are short on traveling money. However, such a request should send up warning flags. Other clues are typed rather than written letters and an inability or unwillingness to phone you. Again, some people find it easier to type personal letters than to write them, and a small percentage truly lacks the ability to send and receive calls. However, caution is called for.

Fortunately, most tricksters who sink to this kind of work are woefully lacking in skill and intelligence. If they were smarter, wouldnt they have been running an oil company? I have received "personal" letters that were photocopied, unsigned computer-generated letters and "personal" photographs that had been photocopied from bondage magazines. I dont really object to them trying to trick me. I just wish they had a higher opinion of my intelligence.

These sort of scams have become so common that some online matching services have posted warnings that email asking for money or originating in certain countries, like Nigeria, are to be looked at skeptically.

Blackmailers are more difficult to deal with.

Fortunately, the numbing of the American mind has made this a vanishing breed, except when political figures and socialites are the targets. If you dont fit into either category, you probably have little to fear. In more than forty years in the scene, every single one of the "blackmail" efforts with which Ive come in contact has been a byproduct of a personal dispute within the scene. Most have come out of divorces where one spouse tries to paint the other as some kind of a perverted monster either for custody reasons or to gain a monetary advantage. Less often, they have been like the flake whose loony behavior in a private club got him banned and set him on a letter writing campaign to get "even" with the club.

These scoundrels generally constitute a minor threat. However, you run a much, much greater risk going online from the place where you work. Many people have gotten used to running quick web searches and even making online purchases on company time without a problem, and this emboldens them to do other, personal things when they are at work. The logic is, "If the company hasnt blocked the website or mentioned the other stuff, they must not be watching." That may not be true.

Many companies monitor which websites their computers access. Some go further and watch each keystroke made on all the company computers. However, bosses are human and likely to ignore minor infractions of the rules as long as the work flow isnt interfered with. They may ignore an occasional purchase or visit to a joke web-site, but things can get very different when sex is involved. Even if the boss is willing to let things slide, do you really want some pimple-faced IT drone looking electronically over your shoulder while you type? A good rule-of-thumb is, keep it at home and on your personal computer.

Like anonymity, the Internets international reach is both a positive and a negative thing. Its positive because you can be in contact with literally thousands of people, which significantly increases the chances of your finding a perfect match. On the other hand, your perfect match could be 3,000 miles away.

When this book came out, I tried to provide a comprehensive list of websites. At the time it seemed doable. Now, with hindsight, it was like trying to count the snowflakes while standing in the middle of the damned blizzard.

While I was rewriting this section of _Loving Dominant,_ I did a few quick Google and Yahoo searches just on BDSM. They both returned more than twenty two million hits. Thats no longer a blizzard — thats an ice age.

You know how to conduct a web search, but Ill just add a few hints. Because the search engines use information from inside the web-site, there isnt a perfect formula for finding anything. Just try to think up terms that you think would be in the kind of page you are looking for and experiment, experiment, experiment. For example, if I were looking for a BDSM group in south Florida I might offer "BDSM," "group" and "southeast Florida," and I might get some hits.

Or I might not, because a lot of sites dont have "southeast Florida" specifically in their description. I could go wider and look for "BDSM" "group" and "Florida." This would yield a lot more sites, but many that would be too far away to be of interest. Another approach would be to try "BDSM" "group" and "Boynton Beach," "BDSM" "group" and "Delray Beach" or "BDSM" "group" and "Palm Beach." There would be fewer hits, but the ones I got should be more likely to be of interest.

Some websites are purely one way. They have information that you can see. These are the books and the advertisements of the Internet, but other sites allow you to interact with other viewers. Message areas allow you to leave a message, much like pinning a note up on a wall. Anyone who comes by can read it, and if they want, comment on it by adding other messages linked to it. Chat areas are just what they sound like. You are in a room with other people and can chat back and forth by typing messages.

Chat rooms are really nothing new. I first encountered chat rooms when I was a graduate student at Ohio State University in the mid-70s. A local company, CompuServe, was looking for subscribers and I joined using 110-baud teletype (kids, ask your grandfather about those). One exciting aspect was what CS called "CB Simulator." Just as it sounds, it was a chat room that worked like the contemporary Citizens Band radios. After searching a bit, I found one channel that catered to people with BDSM interests. Lets just say there was a lot of paper at the end of each day to throw away and the introduction of a CRT screen was a blessing.

Look at chat sites as if they are scene clubs, and message sites as if they were magazines carrying classified advertisements, and things become a lot clearer. In fact, a chat room can have an advantage over a scene club. In a scene club, there are a lot of factors coming into play that may be less than helpful for the average person. Because people can see each other, they often favor the beautiful people over the interesting people. Since ninety percent of the population isnt beautiful, we tend to get the short end of the stick in such an environment. In chat, you only see the other persons words. That can be a big advantage in getting to know him or her. Also, online, you dont have to contend with the blasting music that some clubs substitute for ambiance. Some people like the challenge inherent in trying to lip-read whether the person theyve just met is mouthing "Youre cute; I like you" or "Youve backed into a candle and your jacket is on fire." I dont.

The chat sites also combine an air of intimacy with a certain psychological distance. I know one male submissive who had a great deal of difficulty with the club scene because when his advances were rejected he tended to become so embarrassed that he would leave. When his offers were rejected in a chat he found that it didnt quite have the same impact.

Also, in a club, people are often thinking, "Who can I go home with tonight?" This doesnt help when you are looking for a relationship. This attitude also tends to keep a significant portion of the scene population out of these places. In a chat room, things can move at a more sedate pace. People know you arent going leap through the screen at them so they can be more forthright about what they want and how they want it.

In a message area, you can just leave a classified advertisement if the rules allow it, but this would be the equivalent of buying a Lotus to drive to the corner store. Usually on these message boards, series of messages appear, discussing all sorts of matters from whipping techniques to levels of submission. If you start replying to messages and expressing your opinion or asking questions, you can quickly develop a reputation on the board as a thoughtful, intelligent person, and you may well find that you are being approached by someone whose interests complement your own.

I make it a point to post helpful hints regularly on the message centers where I have accounts. I also respond to requests for information. The posts can be as simple as a list of BDSM books I have found enjoyable or as technical as scene design and execution. In fact, many of the sections of this book first appeared as messages on Prodigy between 1989 and 1991 as informational posts.

These notes allow cautious submissives to evaluate me as a dominant without even revealing their presence. They can get an idea of what my level of skill is and how closely my philosophy of BDSM matches what they are looking for.

By the time they contact me, the "hook" is firmly set. All that is necessary is for me to decide the extent of involvement I will permit. In many cases, it is limited to guidance and advice; in others, the involvement can become much more intense. However, the computer has permitted each of us to exercise control in an area that was appropriate.

The most successful of these attempts yielded a short email on February 19, 1992. The full text of the message was "I think we share some interests in common." The message was from Libby, the woman who has become my world…and my wife.

What are you looking for?

In my opinion, one of the major, self-imposed impediments both dominants and submissives bring to the search for a partner is a long list of requirements. Now this doesnt mean that we need to drop back to the level of a teen- aged boy, whose only requirements in a sex partner is she needs to be alive and breathing. Compatibility is important even in a casual scene. (And if you dont believe me, try watching the outcome of a scene between a pain-play bottom and a pony/control-play top.) In a long-term relationship, its vital, but just what does it take to make "compatibility?"

Each time you add another "must have" requirement to your list, you are shaving the list of candidates by a greater or lesser degree. Ask yourself, "Is hair color really that important?" Most people, upon reflection, will agree it isnt. How about weight? Age? Sex? Species? OK, maybe Im going a little far here, but at least, youre thinking, and thats the important thing. Look at your list and strike out anything thats "nice to have" but isnt a "must."

Writing an advertisement

There are many sites that specifically exist so people can post advertisements in addition to chatting or leaving messages, but advertisements can be tricky. You dont want to write a book. That gives a sense of desperation that does not reflect the calm and controlled demeanor that attracts a submissive.

On the other hand, advertisements like "Are you submissive? Write me" are unlikely to attract a high quality group of submissives, but they are likely to be the natural feeding ground for the unsavory groups Ive mentioned. Keep in mind this is the first step of a seduction. Outright commands ("Drop to your knees and write") can attract a certain group of fantasy players, but to attract people who seek a long-term submission and concomitant relationship, a more informative advertisement is needed.

The best approach is to think seriously about what kind of a submissive you want and what he or she would want to read. Be as realistic as possible. Fantasy at this stage is counterproductive.

You should also try to project a confident, assured air. The world can be very disappointing for anyone seeking to make a kinky match. After all, we have all compatibility needs, and we also need someone whose kinky needs and desires complement our own. However, showing frustration isnt the best way to find a submissive. Relax for a moment and try to put yourself in the mindset of someone looking for a dominant partner. How would you react to lines like, "I know most of you people are phonies," or, "Im getting so tired of liars and bullshitters?" They may be honest indications of how you are feeling, but that isnt the goal of the advertisement.

Your advertisement should include information about yourself, but lying is a serious mistake. Some lies will be discovered almost immediately. One wannabe dominant, who described himself as "tall and imposing," was quite successful at meeting submissives, but the meetings rarely went beyond that. He couldnt understand why. A glance in the mirror might have helped: he was five-feet six and weighed less than 120 pounds. You can imagine the suspicions submissives might have felt about any other information he had given them.

Other lies may take a while to come out. Marital status, amount of experience, group membership and such are difficult to lie about consistently. Every person is different, but the intensity of trust necessary for a BDSM relationship rarely survives such falsehoods.

Honesty is the best policy

In general, the approach in seeking male submissives can be a bit more abrupt than that in seeking females. Speaking more plainly, what will scare the bejesus out of a novice female may be just right to attract a novice male. Of course, the perfect strategy is a matter of hot debate among those who use this approach. I have noticed that of my female dominant friends who run the worship-at-my-feet- while-I-whip-your-ass type of advertisement do tend to get more responses than their more sedate colleagues. However, they also tend to attract a greater percentage of mindfuckers and no-shows. All in all, it seems to even out in regard to the number of male submissives who actually appear.

When writing my advertisements, I acted on the assumption that submissive women are not looking for someone who will declare dominance. Almost all men will loudly claim that they are dominant; most are wrong. In any case, the simple declaration of dominance is not enough to motivate most submissive women. They are not looking for declarations of brutality or strength. Almost anyone can swing a whip or a paddle. Nature has made most men stronger, at least in their torso and shoulders, than most women.

What they are seeking is some evidence that the person behind the advertisement is trustworthy and sensitive to their needs. Writing an advertisement that reflects these qualities is much harder than simply announcing dominance. Rather than providing a set of catch phrases or sample advertisements that anyone could copy I suggest that you look deep inside yourself. If you still cannot convey the requisite sensitivity in words, you may not be ready to hang a riding crop from the left side of your belt.

When you get a response to your advertisement, dont be surprised if a submissive, particularly a female submissive, is forthright in demanding more information about you. After all, the submissive is the one who must feel secure in giving up freedom. There may be a few maniacal axe-wielding submissives around, but I havent heard of them. The Ted Bundys of the world have made submissives understandably nervous.

The most extreme example of demanding information I ever encountered was M, a thirty-year-old female submissive, who was a top-level executive in a nationwide store chain. She began with a standardized, thirty-minute interview probing into details of the potential masters experience and background. As she put it, "I look at it as if I were hiring a vice president. After all, I am going to have to put my safety into his hands. I want to know if he can handle it." She went through more than fifty candidates before settling on one. They are quite happy together.

Going from online to face-to-face

One of the big questions on everyones mind when they think they have clicked with someone online is, "When should we meet?"

As with so much in the Scene, there is no hard and fast rule. One big factor is the distance between the correspondents. Obviously, except for a wealthy, leisure-class minority, the cost, both in money and time lost from work, is a significant factor. Its a lot easier to make a trip to the local mall food court than to schlep yourself across the continental US. Its only human, and realistic, to have in the back of your mind, "What if she/he isnt right for me?" Writing off a few gallons of gas is a lot easier than doing the same for a three- figure plane ticket.

My personal advice is to meet as soon as both parties are comfortable that theres a real possibility of something there. With a carefully planned, public meeting, the worst that can happen is you discover, "this aint gonna work."

A basic axiom of life is that until (and sometimes not even then) you meet someone face to face, you dont know them. Just what should a dominant or submissive find out about a potential partner before making that big step? What you should know about another person before you meet is largely up to you and your comfort level.

Ive seen lists of questions in web pages that go far beyond what most people would need for comfort and, in fact, become unacceptably intrusive. For example, lets say you ask for a social security number? Now, what could you do with such a number to assure yourself that the person is safe enough to meet with? Its not the most convenient of factoids. Think of what kind of harm someone could do with your social security number should they prove to be malevolent. This is a case where the downside is much greater than the upside.

Its not so much what you ask, but what you confirm. Ive known people who before meeting another asked about the persons home and cell phone number, his date of birth, his place of employment and where he lived and then blissfully went off on the date, thinking they knew him, only to learn later that not one thing they had been told was accurate.

I have a paperweight that was given to me by the staff of the student newspaper at the University of Southern Mississippi that reads "If your mother tells you she loves you, check it out with an independent source," a phrase I had pounded into their heads about checking out every detail one is given. You may think you "know" something, but until you confirm it youve only been "told" it.

With telephone numbers, I advise to call him or her on them. As for addresses, I say send a nice vanilla card to the address and then ask him or her if its been received and a question or two to see if it really has been. Until youve confirmed information of a given fact, you dont really know it.

Some people put considerable stock in references. I have mixed feelings about them. One big problem about the online scene is that most people only know someone from his or her chat, postings and emails. X may be completely sure that Y is a wonderful person, but X isnt going to be putting his or her ass on the line; you are. If you ask for a reference about someone, be sure to ask just how the referrer knows the person. If it is purely online, then its unlikely they really know much more than you do.

Any online reference should be treated with reasonable skepticism if you dont really know the referrer. Its not all that difficult for someone to create a "sock puppet" identify for the sole purpose of validating and praising his or her primary identity.

Finally, beware of "friendly warnings" from online sources. Its far from unheard of for someone to spawn a campaign of vilification out of a desire for revenge. Quite often, "this person isnt a real submissive," or, "shes a lying tease," translates to "she said no to me." Multiple sources giving the same information shouldnt increase the credibility because, as noted before, some people have "sock puppet" identities, and other people simply pass on warnings in an unquestioning belief that negative news is more credible.

Many in the scene use "safe calls" or "silent alarms" for the first few meetings. These, in their simplest form, mean contacting a friend, telling him or her where youll be and who you will be with. At a prearranged time, you call your friend and let him or her know you are all right. Some people arrange an innocent-seeming code to signal a problem without needing to come right out and say it. The explicit arrangement is that, if you miss the call or signal there is a problem, the friend should come over or contact the police.

Its a good idea, if you do it properly. Ive heard of situations where the couple simply lost track of time only to be reminded of it when the cops came banging on the door. Other times, nothing happened because the contact person didnt consider it significant that the call was not made.

To me, the real value of a safe call is the reaction of the other person when you mention one is in play. Anyone with a clear conscience will just nod or might suggest that the two of you set an alarm clock so you wont miss the call. A big, flashing red light would be raising a fuss or even refusing to go through with the meeting.

An extreme example of a safe call working, although not exactly as the individuals intended, was the case of a Texas psychologist, who wanted to meet with a guy shed met online. She called a man, Travis, who is as well known for his proficiency with a singletail as for his skill in handling social issues, and she asked him to be her safe call. The man she was expecting to meet was John Edward Robinson Sr., who used the screen name of "Slavemaster." When he heard about the safe call, Robinson became outraged and beat the woman before releasing her. She contacted Travis. They contacted the police in Kansas where Robinson lived. The investigation that ensued eventually uncovered dead, tortured bodies in oil drums on his property. He was later convicted in 2003 of multiple murders.

Fortunately, the number of "Slavemasters" in this world is incredibly small. By and far, almost all of the meetings I know of which that have gone bad happened because of ignorance or over expectations on the part of the individuals involved. However, there are some bad people out there, and a safe call is one reasonable precaution to take for an initial and maybe the next few meetings.

At the very least, leave information about the person you are meeting somewhere. That can be as dramatic as giving a friend a sealed envelope with the request "If you dont hear from me by Thursday, open this" or as simple as leaving the same information on your refrigerator door or on your bed.

I strongly recommend that you dont meet with the intention of having a scene. The first meeting is a time to exchange a lot of information, and it is hard to keep someones attention when she or he is worrying or looking forward to what will be happening in the next few minutes. It also gives you a chance to digest what youve learned after the intense emotional flux of the initial meeting has receded.

Some people may read these suggestions, thinking, "This stuff is fine for submissives/ women, but Im a dominant/guy. I dont need this sort of stuff." Maybe you dont, but in this world, no one is completely safe. Its important to know whats available so you can model the situation such that you are comfortable and your safety needs are being met.

Public clubs, organizations and events

For the purposes of this book, I am using the word "club" in the sense of "nightclub," a commercial establishment. Well get to member-run not-for-profit organizations in a few pages.

**Public clubs.** To many who have not experienced them, public clubs sound like nirvana. Hundreds of leather-clad dominants and submissives mixing in an erotically charged atmosphere. Your perfect submissive could be waiting on bended knees for you to grasp the collar and drag him or her off to your lair. In real life, they are fun and exciting. However, as is so often the case, the reality is not quite the same as fantasy.

There are two types of clubs: scene and non-scene. At a scene club, you can actually whip, spank, or otherwise play with your submissive. Non-scene clubs are places where you can show off your gear, talk to potential partners and relax with others in the scene, but no actual discipline can take place, at least overtly.

As at most non-scene clubs, most of the activity consists of meeting and talking with other members of the scene. If two or more people hit it off, they go elsewhere for their more serious amusements.

Both scene and non-scene clubs can be very exciting places to be. However, there are some problems that prevent them from being the answers to a dominants dream.

Both attract throngs of tourists. Either because of a deep-seated fear or through simple bad manners, some of the tourists may behave rudely and inappropriately. For example, you will never hear anyone in the scene shouting, "Hit her again, harder," during someones scene. Some clubs try to minimize the tourist trade by imposing a strict dress code. To enter, you must be dressed in leather, latex or other fetish gear or you must be a transvestite or transsexual in drag. Alligator-polo-shirt-wearing frat rats usually dont get past the door.

Strict dress codes are the rule in most of the London clubs Im familiar with. Many of them use the premises of more conventional clubs when kinkiness is not in session. For example, The Pussycat Club in Hendon clearly spelled out their stand in the advertisements, writing, "Strict dress code. Leather, Rubber, Bondage, PVC and TV. No Denim, No Fur, No Cameras. No Swingers." Severins Kiss in Soho took a similar stand.

In most scene clubs and non-scene clubs, leather and black clothing is standard wear, but conventional street clothing is acceptable. However, you will probably want to dress up a bit to fit in and distinguish yourself from the tourists to get into the flow of the scene. After all, as one psychologist who was talking to a scene member, delightedly exclaimed, "You get to have Halloween every weekend."

This doesnt mean you have to go out and buy a full leather rig. For men, black pants and a black shirt does the job. Women have a wider range of options – from riding clothes to, well…one dominant often shows up in a Victorian school-teachers outfit, complete with cameo at her throat.

Even the part of the crowd that is made up of scene members, like the scene itself, is disproportionately male. The vast majority consists of male submissives – much to the pleasure of the female dominants. Female dominants and male dominants are present in almost equal numbers. However, unescorted female submissives seem almost nonexistent.

This is not to say that male dominants should avoid these clubs. They provide a useful place to meet others in the scene and to make ones reputation. Word of mouth is highly respected in the scene, and if the escorted submissive women come to like and trust you, you can be certain that their unattached sisters will soon learn about it.

Naturally, male dominants should treat escorted women with the greatest respect and courtesy. There are few greater sins than being dominating or rude to another dominants submissive. The nicest thing that will happen, if you fail to obey this unwritten rule, is that you will get the cold shoulder. You should make sure to include the ladys dominant in any conversation, doing otherwise is extremely rude.

Another reason that unattached male dominants choose to visit these clubs is that a significant number of the "female dominants" are actually submissives dressing in dominant fashions so they can visit the club without being inundated by the attentions from wannabe doms.

Female dominants have an easier time, but clubs create problems for them too. Far too many of apparently submissive men are actually SAMs (Smart Assed Masochists), who are intent on using them, or any other woman, as a prop in their fantasies. Far from being submissive, these men can be very uncooperative with anyone who does not look or behave in a manner precisely fitting into their fantasy.

I was with Ace, an attractive female dominant, at Paddles one night when a man approached her and said, "Mistress, may I worship your boots?"

With appropriate courtesy, Ace gave him permission. But then, after a few minutes, the man said, "Mistress, may I take off your boots and worship your feet?"

It had been a long evening, and Ace was tired. In a gentle voice, she told him that she had been standing all evening and felt that her feet were swollen and, if she took them out of her boots, she would be unable to get the boots on again. However, she said he could continue to worship the boots.

He simply dropped the leg he was holding, looked at Ace and said, "Thats no fun," then he turned and walked away. While this man was far from being representative of all male submissives, his kind is unfortunately common in the club scene.

Female dominants will have a considerably easier time than males in finding someone to play with at public clubs. However, those who are seeking more than a simple bit of play may be just as disappointed at first as their male counterparts. The solution is to use the same strategy employed by male dominants in search of a submissive. Mingle, get to know the regulars, both male and female, dominant and submissive; plug into the grape vine, and eventually you are likely to have good luck.

**Scene organizations.** Another way of meeting submissives already in the scene is through organizations. Some, like TES, People Exchanging Power, New England Dungeon Society and Black Rose, are organizations with officers, by-laws and dues. Not all that different from the Rotary or a ham-radio society. However, the scene has its own, peculiar set of organizations known as munches.

According to most scene historians, the first munch took place in Palo Alto, California, in the early 90s, when a group of people who had gotten to know each other on the newsgroup alt.sex.bondage decided to meet each other at a burger joint. The regular meeting grew and adopted the name "Burgermunch," which was soon shortened to "munch."

Munches quickly spread across the country and overseas until it became relatively rare for a metropolitan area not to have one. Of course in the anarchistic world of BDSM, munches vary widely. Some have changed until there is little to differentiate them from conventional organizations, while others maintain the casual, show-up-if-you-can attitude of the original Burgermunch.

Generally, youll find them in some sort of eating establishment. For example, in New England many of the munches are in mall food courts where on a given day or days of the month a group of individuals appear, push tables together and chat for a while.

One of the big bonuses of the open-style munch is that a nervous newcomer can grab a table nearby and "scope out the crowd" before approaching and asking, "Is this the munch?"

Its difficult to overstate how valuable that sort of openness can be. At one time when I attended TES, it gathered in the basement of a church. All too often, I detected the sound of someone descending the stairs outside the closed door, followed shortly by the sounds of someone reluctantly ascending. It was an ordinary wooden door, but for someone insecure and scared of his or her own needs, it might have been an iron-bound oak portal set in a granite arch with "All Hope Abandon, Ye Who Enter Here" carved above it. How much easier it is to sample a plate of kung-pao chicken while observing from ten or so yards?

When you are looking to meet people, its a good idea to view munches much like a consignment store. Because going to the munch is very much an occasional thing for a lot of people, if you dont see something you like on your first visit, dont give up. It may be there the next time, or the time after that. Also keep in mind, like at a consignment store, the good stuff doesnt stay on the shelf for long.

While each munch makes its own rules, generally the more public the munchs venue, the more discreetly guests are expected to behave. This generally means wearing vanilla clothing, not displaying toys, and keeping your voice down, particularly when discussing scene matters.

Like munches, organizations are run by and for the members. The vast majority hold public meetings, but they also have some members-only activities. Most organizations are quite inexpensive to join, and even if you live too far away to attend meetings, their newsletters and other publications can be a valuable source of information and guidance.

For me, the most valuable reason for belonging is the joy of being with people who share my needs and desires. There is a feeling of family that can be infinitely comforting to someone whose desires are looked upon by the rest of the world with distaste and sometimes hostility.

If there is such an organization near enough for you to visit, by all means, do so. For the first meeting, sit, listen and observe. Get a feel for the dynamics. Many peoples reaction when I bring up organizations or munches is to say, "Oh, Im a very private individual; I couldnt risk that."

This is a completely understandable reaction. However, the risk is really a lot less than you may think. While "outing" does take place, in my experience it almost always takes place independent of a persons organizational memberships. Almost all of the outing cases I can recall in over forty years of playing have been directly related to divorce proceedings, where one spouse is trying to blackmail the other into a more favorable settlement or to paint him or her as unfit to have custody.

A common question is, "What if someone I know sees me at the meeting/class/party?" You could arrive at the munch, take off your coat, sit down and suddenly realize that one of the people at the table is Jim from accounting. You must fight the sudden urge to throw your coat over your head and run from the room. Guess what Jim is thinking right now? Exactly, the same thing you are. Borrowing a phrase from the Cold War, scene people refer to this phenomenon as "Mutually Assured Embarrassment."

As a dominant, you may feel compelled to make your presence known immediately upon arriving in a new group. Dont! Dominant means strong and secure. If you come across as pushy and insensitive, you could earn a reputation that will stay with you for a long time.

I recall the close of a TES meeting. As was customary, everyone was putting away chairs. One man, whom I had not seen before, motioned to a woman, whose collar and cuffs clearly indicated her status. He told her in an imperious tone to put away his chair. When she looked at him in amazement, he informed her that he was dominant. She turned around and walked away. This exchange had not gone unnoticed by others, and this particular "dominant" soon stopped coming to meetings.

Talking to people is perfectly OK, but you should be careful not to angle your attention only at submissives of the opposite sex. Not only is this rude, but it gives an impression of a single-minded pursuit that is most undominant. There are no hard and fast rules on how to act, but erring on the side of caution is probably a good idea.

I do not know of a single organization that pays much attention to clothing at their meetings. After all, many people will be coming directly from work, and few corporate organizations include black leather in their dress codes. On the other hand, some members come in full scene gear. What you wear is entirely up to you. However, a bit of black and a bit of leather will probably send the message that you are not entirely ignorant of the ways of the scene.

If, as is common, there is a point where those in attendance identify themselves according to their orientation and interests, take advantage of it to make yourself known in the most favorable terms possible. Just remember, as with advertisements, lying is inadvisable. Most lies will eventually be found out and may do irreparable damage to your reputation.

With organizations as well as at clubs, it is a mistake for a male dominant to expect to make contact with a female submissive immediately. It usually takes some time to build up a reputation to the point that your approaches will be welcomed. A female dominant may face the opposite problem because of the abundance of male submissives. She may be faced with the pleasant difficulty of having to pick and choose.

**Conventions and events.** One of the results of the expansion of the scene and the new openness engendered by the Internet has been the appearance of regional and national events like Thunder in the Mountains and Folsom Street Fair. These vary in size from a few hundred people to thousands and usually combine classes, play parties, socials and vending. While the events can be daunting, they offer people a wonderful opportunity to see the depth and breadth of the scene in a single weekend.

They are also perfect for people concerned about being recognized by friends and co-workers since they can select one being held hundreds of miles away, and who knows, once having been exposed to the pleasures of being surrounded by like-minded individuals, even the reserved person may opt to take the chance and begin attending local events.

Searching outside the scene


Input:
 Write about how a dominant person may go about identifying a potentially submissive woman who has not yet declared or realized their full range of desires. Explain that there are differences in the techniques for identifying submissive men and women, and that submissive women are often unable or unwilling to express their true desires due to social pressure or personal shame. Describe some subtle physical and verbal cues that may indicate a woman's submissive tendencies, such as grabbing sheets during sex or mentioning BDSM-related literature in conversation.

The section should also offer advice on how to approach the topic of BDSM in a non-threatening and abstract way, using examples from literature or films as a starting point for discussion. It should stress the importance of building trust and respect, and the need to avoid emotionally loaded terms such as "domination" or "submission" in the initial stages of the relationship.

The section should also provide tips for dominant women looking to identify a submissive man who has not yet realized or expressed his desires. Explain that women have greater latitude for expressing their BDSM interests through fashion and accessories, and that they can use subtle cues in body language to signal their interest or lack thereof.

The section should conclude by emphasizing that submissives come in all types and genders, and that one should not restrict their search to any specific type.

Response:
For one reason or another, a dominant may be willing or unable to avail herself or himself of advertisements, clubs or associations. Still, it is good to remember that the vast majority of the submissives have not yet declared themselves or have not even realized the full range of their desires and, therefore, cannot be reached through conventional routes.

Although there is some overlap between the techniques for identifying and seducing submissive men and women, there are enough differences to justify taking each group separately.

Identifying a potentially submissive woman is a situation fraught with peril. Not only is a direct question inappropriate, but many women have repressed their submissive tendencies because of embarrassment or because they have been taught that such feelings are evil or a betrayal of their fellow women.

I look for intelligent, strong, self-assured women. Frightened little mice do not have the courage to accept and act on their needs. Also, a woman who feels inferior can be manipulated into a submissive role against her will. This is ethically indefensible. With them, I tend to use a technique that I cause "plausible deniability," a method that allows me to back off with no loss of face in the event of rejection.

During the dating process, I put the woman in situations where she is lightly restrained. For example, I hold her hands behind her back during a kiss or kiss her while she is still entangled in clothing she has been removing. If she panics or withdraws, I apologize and "admit" to having been overcome with enthusiasm. If she reacts with passion, I try a bit harder. The trick is to keep it light and playful.

During sex, I watch for her to do things like grabbing sheets with wide-spread arms because it is a position often adopted by people who are fantasizing that they are being restrained. I also try holding her hands above her head or "accidentally" tangling them in the sheets when I am on top or holding them against her thighs or behind her back when she is on top.

Conversational probing can be as subtle as the physical testing. Literature is a good ice breaker. If she has read The Story of 0 or books by A.N. Roquelaure, it gives me a chance to discuss the situation in a suitably abstract, nonthreatening atmosphere. If she brings up de Sades writings, it gives me an opportunity to compare his writings with reality by saying something like, "Yeah, Ive read some of his stuff, but what I hear about people who do bondage and stuff like that is that they are nothing like characters in his books. They seem to really care about consent and sensuality instead of just pain for pains sake."

It is amazing what people will discuss in the abstract that would be extremely threatening to discuss on a personal level. I use such abstract discussions to get a feeling on "where a woman is" on a subject. Even a violent reaction to any kind of BDSM literature is not necessarily a negative sign. Many women, as I have noted above, are fighting a great deal of social pressure to defeat what they have been taught to believe are bad feelings. I pay more attention to gut- level feelings, perhaps based on subliminal body language, which come out of the discussion.

Of course, the danger here is that my desires may interfere with my judgment. The partial solution is a lot of introspection on my part.

If the discussion turns from abstract to specific, I do not deny my impulses, but avoid all terms like "domination," "submission," "sadism," "masochism," "bondage" or "discipline." These are emotionally laden terms that are defined slightly differently by every individual. Nor do I speak in terms of my needs and desires. Instead, I tell her what I enjoy doing for my partner, while stressing the sensuality and respect. As in the initial stages of all BDSM relationships, I try to earn the degree of trust that will allow her to submit to me.

Despite the teachings of certain psychological schools, my experience is that not all women are submissive and only a relatively small percentage of them can act on submissive tendencies. However, through these approaches, I have been able to make some wonderful friendships and build a number of lasting relationships.

These techniques can also be used by dominant women to find a submissive man who has not yet declared, or perhaps even realized, his submissive nature. For example, the sensual bondage scenes in Basic Instinct or Exit to Eden are a sure conversation starter. Also, because of fashion, women are able to send more overt signals than men about their orientation. A man wearing a kinky leather outfit with a whip earring will probably be taken as gay by many women. A woman in similar regalia will certainly rate a second look from most men, even those who havent explored their submissive desires.

The greater latitude for accessories is also a factor. Outside of the punk rock scene, handcuffs arent a common accessory for men. However, a woman can casually dismiss one hanging from her belt with "The chrome sets off my black dress."

The differences in body language between men and women can also work for the dominant woman on the prowl. While a man would be unwise to assume anything about a woman who dropped her eyes in the face of an appraising stare, a woman who gets that reaction from a man would be wise to press her advantage.

A word of warning, novice dominant: women often restrict their search to men who are overtly submissive and/ or effeminate. Experienced ones report that they find their most satisfactory conquests among aggressive, masculine men. It is unwise to dismiss any specific "type" from consideration. Submissives are everywhere. They just need to be found.