Input:
 Here is a detailed prompt that would generate the above section of the story:

Title: Abundance and Limits in Ethical Sluthood

1. Q: What are traditional attitudes about sexuality based on?
A: Traditional attitudes about sexuality are based on the unspoken belief that there isn't enough of something -- love, sex, friendship, commitment -- to go around.
2. Q: What can cause a person to believe that there is not enough of what they want?
A: A person may believe that there is not enough of what they want due to experiences with emotionally depleted parents, neglect, deprivation, or abuse in childhood. They may also learn this belief from manipulative, withholding, or punitive lovers, spouses, or friends later in life.
3. Q: What is a starvation economy?
A: A starvation economy is a belief system in which people think they must work hard to get their emotional needs met and that if they relax their vigilance for even a moment, someone or something may take the love they need away from them.
4. Q: What are the challenges of overcoming past fears of starvation in ethical sluthood?
A: The biggest challenge of ethical sluthood is getting over past fears of starvation, which requires an enormous leap of faith to let go of what feels like yours, trusting that it will be replaced in abundance by a generous world. It requires getting clear that you deserve love and nurturance and warmth and sex.
5. Q: What are real-world limits in ethical sluthood?
A: Real-world limits in ethical sluthood include time, space, and possessions. Time is the biggest real-world limit, as finding enough time to do all the wonderfully slutty things with all the people one cares about can be challenging. Space can also be a limit for many people, as few have multiroom mansions with rooms dedicated exclusively to sex. Possessions can also be an issue, as it's only natural to want to share one's stuff with the people one cares about, but this urge can cause problems when possessions belong to more than one person legally or emotionally.
6. Q: What is the tyranny of hydraulics?
A: The tyranny of hydraulics is Dossie's phrase for the biological realities that govern many aspects of sexuality. While it might be nice to think that you're a sexual superhero who can generate erections on demand ad infinitum, neither of us has yet met such a person. A partner who is looking forward to conventional sexual activities with a lover may be quite understandably disappointed to find them unavailable by virtue of having ejaculated with another partner earlier that day.
7. Q: How can the tyranny of hydraulics be overcome?
A: The tyranny of hydraulics can often be solved by readjusting your expectations of what constitutes sex -- does it really always require an erection, an orgasm, an ejaculation? Practitioners of tantric yoga have developed ways by which many penis owners can experience orgasm without ejaculation, which may conquer their refractory period, becoming able to come many times. Enthusiastic sluts can give their partners one or many orgasms and enjoy a surfeit of sensual pleasures themselves, regardless of their physiological state of arousal. Erections may come and go, but the rest of the nervous system works pretty much all the time.
8. Q: What is the Oneida Community?
A: The Oneida Community was a free love community founded by John Humphrey Noyes in the 1840s in rural New York. Noyes and his congregation developed a free love community that lasted for more than thirty years. Exclusive relationships were discouraged, and Oneidans worked to avoid what they called 'sticky love' in favor of communal love. The community sought to live free of acquisitiveness and possessiveness. The Oneida Community Silverware company still functions today.
9. Q: What were the women's rights of the Oneida Community?
A: The Oneida Community evolved an ethos of women's rights that was very advanced for its era. Efforts were made to ensure equality in work between men and women; women cut their hair short and wore knee-length dresses with bloomers, giving them freedom of movement; women were active participants in choosing sexual partners and were sent off to colleges and law schools and medical schools. Children were raised communally from about eighteen months of age to accustom them to a communal life, discourage excessive attachment between children and parents, and free the women to explore whatever work or learning inspired them.
10. Q: What happened to the Oneida Community?
A: Eventually, Noyes was forced to flee to Canada, fearing prosecution under the Comstock Laws that criminalized even writing about birth control as obscenity. In the absence of Noyes's missionary zeal, the community continued for a while, mutually supportive but much less communal -- getting married more often, building private houses for couples and families on the communal land, and so on. Eventually, it looked a lot more like a nice small town than a commune. The mansion still stands as a museum.

Response:
# 8

# ABUNDANCE

Many traditional attitudes about sexuality are based on the unspoken belief that there isnt enough of _something_ —love, sex, friendship, commitment—to go around. If you believe this, if you think that theres a limited amount of what you want, it can seem very important to stake your claim to your share of it. You may believe that you have to take your share away from somebody else, because if its such a very good thing, someone else is probably competing with you for it. Or you may believe that if someone else gets something, that means there must be less of it for you.

We want all of our readers to get everything they want. Here are some ideas that might help you over some of the obstacles on the path.

Starvation Economies

People often learn about starvation economies in childhood, when experiences with parents who are emotionally depleted or otherwise unavailable teach us that we must work hard to get our emotional needs met. We learn that if we relax our vigilance for even a moment, a mysterious someone or something may take the love we need away from us. Some of us may even have experienced real-world hunger—having to compete for the food that keeps us alive—or outright neglect, deprivation, or abuse. Or we may learn starvation economies later in life, from manipulative, withholding, or punitive lovers, spouses, or friends.

The beliefs acquired in childhood are usually deeply buried and hard to see, both in individuals and in our culture. So you may have to look carefully to see the pattern. When is it okay to want anything? People may think that if you love Bill that means you must love Mary less, or if youre committed to your relationship with your friend, you must be less committed to your relationship with your spouse. And then how do you know if youre number one in a partners heart?

This kind of thinking is a trap. We know, for example, that having a second child doesnt usually mean that a parent loves the first child less, and that the person who owns three pets doesnt necessarily give any less care to any one of them than the person who owns one. But when it comes to sex, love, and romance, its hard for most people to believe that more for you doesnt mean less for me, and we often behave as if desperate starvation is just around the corner if we dont stockpile some love right now.

Letting Go

Getting over past fears of starvation can be one of the biggest challenges of ethical sluthood. It requires an enormous leap of faith: you have to let go of some of what feels like yours, trusting that it will be replaced in abundance by a generous world. You need to get clear that you deserve love and nurturance and warmth and sex. If the world hasnt been all that generous to you in the past, this may be very difficult.

Unfortunately, we cant promise you that the world _will_ be generous to you. We think it will, that if you loosen your possessive grip on the love thats already yours, youll get more from the person who loves you and maybe from some other people, too. It certainly has worked for us. But, especially in the beginning, letting go of starvation economies can feel a lot like flying on a trapeze: you have to let go of the security you already have, trusting that at the end of the leap, there will always be something else to catch you.

Is there a safety net for this kind of daredevilry? Well, yes, but its going to require another leap of faith…because the safety net is _you:_ your self-reliance, your self-nurturing, your ability to spend time in your own company. If being alone seems unbearable to you, the courage required to relinquish whats "yours" may be impossible to summon.

On the other hand, what an incredibly free feeling it is to realize that there _is_ enough love, sex, commitment, support, and nurturing to go around! Janet used to spend the nights when her partner was out with someone else by securing a date with one of her other lovers so she wouldnt have to be alone. Now, she says, "I know that option is there for me if I want it, but much more often, I choose to spend that time in my own company, enjoying the opportunity for solitary self-indulgence." Knowing that the world offers plenty of companionship, she feels safe enough to not need that reassurance.

Real-World Limits

In contrast to starvation economies, some of the things we want really _are_ limited. There are only twenty-four hours in the day, for example— so trying to find enough time to do all the wonderfully slutty things we enjoy, with all the people we care about, can be a real challenge and sometimes impossible.

Time is the biggest real-world limit we encounter in trying to live and love as we like. This problem is hardly exclusive to sluts; monogamous folks also run into problems finding the time for sex, companionship, and communication.

Careful planning can help—if you dont already keep a shared datebook or online calendar, now is a good time to start. Respecting one anothers realities, and staying flexible, is important. Crises happen: a sick child, a work emergency, or even another partner who needs companionship and reassurance during a particularly bad time. You might also want to do some thinking about how much time you need to get your needs met: do you really have to stay over and have breakfast together the next day, or would an hour or two of cuddling and talk be just as nice?

However you work out your schedule, remember that everybody concerned needs to know about it, and that may include more people than you are used to thinking about. A friend of ours, having failed to inform his wifes lover about an engagement that affected their schedule, moaned: "I know I told _someone_."

Dont forget to schedule time to relate to your partner and play with your kids. And dont leave yourself out: many busy sluts find it important to schedule alone time for rest and replenishment. Janet, when she lived in a Grand Central Station–like group household, had an arrangement with her girlfriend that she could occasionally use the girlfriends house for solitary retreats—a rare and precious gift—when the girlfriend was out of town.

Space is another real-world limit for many people. Few of us are fortunate enough to live in multiroom mansions with rooms dedicated exclusively to sex. If youre in your bedroom with your friend and your live-in partner is sleepy and wants to go to bed, youve got a problem. Crashing on a narrow couch in ones own apartment while ones partner disports with someone else in ones bed may be beyond the limits of even the most advanced slut. When you share your bedroom or other play space with a partner or lover(s), we suggest making clear agreements well in advance of any date and sticking strictly to them. This problem may be solved by separate bedrooms or personal spaces if you can afford them. One couple we interviewed said, "Having separate bedrooms is a nonnegotiable need for us; we wouldnt be able to maintain this lifestyle without them."

Possessions can also be an issue. Its only natural to want to share our stuff with the people we care about. But this urge can cause problems when possessions—money, food, art, sex toys—belong, legally or emotionally, to more than one person. If theres any chance that someone feels a sense of possession about an item, we strongly recommend that you talk carefully with that person before you share the item with someone else. This rule is sometimes simple: you dont let your lover polish off the carton of milk that your spouse was planning to drink for breakfast. It sometimes gets tricky, though. While you may have the technical right to give away a gift that was given to you by someone else, the wife who sees her husbands Fathers Day tie around his lovers neck may feel understandably miffed. Similarly, its a good idea to get consent about sharing an item that was made for you by a lover or is something that the two of you bought together during an intimate shopping trip on your anniversary. Many sluts, for the purposes of hygiene and/or emotional attachment, set aside certain sex toys for use with only one person: _my_ vibrator, _Harrys_ dildo. Lending or giving jointly owned money without discussing it with the co-owner is, we hope its not necessary to say, unacceptable.

Sexual Economies

The "tyranny of hydraulics" is Dossies phrase for the biological realities that govern many aspects of sexuality. While it might be nice to think that youre a sexual superhero who can generate erections on demand _ad infinitum_ , neither of us has yet met such a person. A partner who is looking forward to conventional sexual activities with a lover may be quite understandably disappointed to find them unavailable by virtue of having ejaculated with another partner earlier that day. And even the most multiply orgasmic of us cant stay turned on forever.

Such problems can often be solved by readjusting your expectations of what constitutes sex—does it really always require an erection, an orgasm, an ejaculation? If partner A reaches orgasm before partner B, is there any reason why lovely stimulations cant continue until partner B comes to their happy ending?

Practitioners of tantric yoga have developed ways by which many penis owners can experience orgasm without ejaculation. These strategies are only somewhat useful for birth control and safer sex and are certainly no substitute for condoms. But they come with a wonderful side effect: those who learn to orgasm without ejaculating may conquer their refractory period, becoming able to come many times. Practitioners of many other kinds of sex have developed ways in which enthusiastic sluts can give their partners one or many orgasms and enjoy a surfeit of sensual pleasures themselves, regardless of their physiological state of arousal. Erections may come and go, but the rest of the nervous system works pretty much all the time. Before you give up on polyamory because of the tyranny of hydraulics, we suggest you investigate at least some of these possibilities (take a look at chapter 23, "Sex and Pleasure," and some of the books in Further Reading).

Remember outercourse. Remember the huge range of sexual delights that dont have any relationship whatsoever to erections. Remember sensuality. Rediscover massage for its own sake. Share a fabulously smutty conversation about what youd like to do to each other.

"Erections may come and go, but the rest of the nervous system works pretty much all the time."

Are You Really Going to Starve?

When you try to decide what limits you want to the openness of your relationship, its not always easy to tell which are based on reality and which on fear or illusion. First, you have to pinpoint the areas in your life where you feel insecure, where you perceive the possibility of deprivation—a task that requires a lot of self-searching and honesty. It helps to ask, "What am I afraid might happen?"

Is your partners fondness for their friend really going to make them fall out of love with you? What if your partner doesnt think youre special anymore? What if your partner is so ecstatically happy that they dont need you? Why would your partner ever want you, anyway? These are some of the horrible little thoughts that pop up in our minds when were scared of starving.

You need to decide whether the thing you fear is actually possible. Then you need to choose what you want to do about it. Frequent check-ins, good communication to keep you aware of whether anyones feeling deprived or overextended, and lots of internal reality checks (is your disappointment that they cant get it up really just that, or is it anger or jealousy over their date last night?) can help. Well talk later about how to get reassurance and support when youre afraid.

Limits Can Stretch

Sometimes, you just have to try it and see. The old chestnut, "If you love something, let it go" is sentimental, but more than a kernel of truth lies at its core. In the same way that dieters are sometimes counseled to let themselves get hungry to see what that feels like and learn that they can survive the feeling, you may need to let yourself feel deprived, simply to prove to yourself that feeling deprived isnt the end of the world. Sometimes letting go of one pleasure opens your eyes to another that was there from the start; sometimes a new one comes along; sometimes you find out you dont need it all that much right now anyway. We cant tell you what letting go will feel like; all we can do is assure you that you will learn something from it.

Learning new things takes time, so give yourself plenty. It can be useful to get clear with what you are working on learning right now—like how to feel safe and sexy and special when your partner is out on a date—and promise yourself you will learn the next thing, well, next. Every change, small or large, is accomplished one step at a time, so work on this step today, and youll be ready for the next one tomorrow or maybe next week—working on todays step is how you get ready for tomorrow.

Poly Pioneers: The Oneida Community

John Humphrey Noyes was a Protestant preacher in rural Vermont in the 1840s when he discovered a connection between sex and spirituality. Noyes felt terrible about wanting sex after his wife had suffered through four dangerous pregnancies culminating in stillbirths, so he experimented with sex that could not result in pregnancy. He discovered that men, by slowing down the sexual act and possibly applying pressure to the perineum, could learn to have orgasms without ejaculating. This practice made possible multiple orgasms for men, and, to his surprise, intensified the orgasmic experience to the level of religious ecstasy.

Noyes embraced this expanded sexual practice as sacrament, preaching that the sexual organs were "the medium of the noblest worship of God." (Many religious groups around the world have explored similar philosophies, creating a substantial body of books, websites, and workshops available to the erotic explorer. If youre curious, point your favorite search engine to terms like _tantra_ , _healing tao_ , and _qodoushka_.)

Noyes and his congregation soon developed a free love community that lasted in its purest form for more than thirty years. To escape judgmental neighbors, the congregation acquired land in rural New York, in the town of Oneida, where they eventually built a nintey-three-bedroom mansion and established businesses to support their community, including the still-functioning Oneida Community Silverware.

Oneida sought to live free of acquisitiveness and possessiveness. Exclusive relationships were discouraged, and Oneidans worked to avoid what they called "sticky love"—by which they meant romance or falling in love—in favor of communal love.

The community evolved an ethos of womens rights that was very advanced for its era. Efforts were made to ensure equality in work between men and women; women cut their hair short and wore knee-length dresses with bloomers, giving them freedom of movement; women were active participants in choosing sexual partners and were sent off to colleges and law schools and medical schools. Children were raised communally from about eighteen months of age to accustom them to a communal life, discourage excessive attachment between children and parents, and free the women to explore whatever work or learning inspired them.

Unfortunately, Oneida was not immune to the nineteenth-century fad of eugenics. Noyes jumped on the bandwagon, determining that his community was the best possible place to breed supermen and superwomen and began to control in great detail who should propagate with whom. Guess who Noyes thought had the best genes? He had many descendants with many different mothers.

Eventually, Noyes was forced to flee to Canada, fearing prosecution under the Comstock Laws that criminalized even writing about birth control as obscenity. In the absence of Noyess missionary zeal, the community continued for a while, mutually supportive but much less communal—getting married more often, building private houses for couples and families on the communal land, and so on. Eventually it looked a lot more like a nice small town than a commune.

The mansion still stands as a museum.


Input:
 Here is a detailed prompt that would generate the above section of the story:

Title: Slut Skills for Ethical Sluthood

1. Q: What are the skills needed to keep you and your partners happy and growing in ethical sluthood?
A: Great sluts are made, not born. The skills you need to keep you and your partners happy and growing in ethical sluthood get developed through a combination of conscious effort and frequent practice. These skills include self-examination, communication, emotional honesty, affection, faithfulness, limit setting, planning, knowing yourself, owning your feelings, going easy on yourself, telling the truth, and affirmations.
2. Q: Why is self-examination important in ethical sluthood?
A: Self-examination is essential when journeying without a map. Having a clear picture of your internal landscape becomes crucial. Ask yourself what you expect from this way of living your life and what rewards can you foresee that will compensate you for doing the hard work of learning to be secure in a world of shifting relationships.
3. Q: What are the benefits of ethical sluthood?
A: Some people who have already made the journey cite benefits like sexual variety, less dependence on a single relationship, or a sense of belonging to a network of friends, lovers, and partners. The people we interviewed said things like they get relief from pressure, intimacy with various people expands their appreciation of the universe, hot erotic experiences without genital sex and without compromising their emotional monogamy, personal freedom, independence, and responsibility, not believing that humans are designed to be monogamous, never feeling that the grass might be greener on the other side of the fence, and outside partners being an infusion of sexual juice into their primary relationship.
4. Q: Why is it important to have clear reasons for choosing ethical sluthood?
A: It's important to have clear reasons for choosing ethical sluthood because it can be a rocky road. If you're navigating it for the wrong reasons, resentment can easily poison the very relationships you set out to improve. Sexual change can be a path of reprogramming yourself, with abundant sex and love as the carrot and the fear of deprivation, boredom, or self-loathing as the stick.
5. Q: What are the communication skills needed for ethical sluthood?
A: Learning to talk clearly and listen effectively is critical. A technique for good listening is to listen to what your partner has to say without interrupting and let them know you heard them by telling them what you think they just said. Use this clarification technique before you respond with your own thoughts and feelings.
6. Q: Why is emotional honesty important in ethical sluthood?
A: Being able to ask for and receive reassurance and support is crucial. It's important to honor the courage it takes to ask for support, to share vulnerable feelings, and to pat ourselves on the back when we do the things that scare us, and then do them some more.
7. Q: What is the importance of affection in ethical sluthood?
A: It's vital to be able to give reassurance and support, both in response to a request and on your own. If you can't tell your partners that you love them or give them a heartfelt compliment or tell them what you think is so wonderful about them, it may be optimistic to assume that they'll be able to remain secure enough to accommodate your other relationships.
8. Q: Why is faithfulness important in ethical sluthood?
A: If you have one or more primary relationships, take a look at what you can do to reinforce their primacy. Many people in long-term relationships have certain activities that they keep only for their life partners. Look at your public behavior and make agreements with your partners before social events.
9. Q: What are limit setting skills needed for ethical sluthood?
A: To be a happy slut, you need to know how and when to say no. Having a clear sense of your own limits and respecting those limits can keep you feeling good about yourself and help prevent those morning-after blues. Some limits may be about sexual behaviors, safer sex and birth control, relationship styles, or ethical dilemmas.
10. Q: Why is planning important in ethical sluthood?
A: Successful sluts know that relationships don't just happen - they take work, planning, and commitment. Few of us have so much time on our hands that we can simply have conversations, sex, recreation, family time, or even fights whenever we feel like it - mundane reality has a tendency to get in the way of such important stuff. And yes, we do think fighting is important and necessary - we'll talk more about the hows and whys in chapter 16, 'Embracing Conflict.'
11. Q: What is the importance of self-knowledge in ethical sluthood?
A: To truly know yourself is to live on a constant journey of self-exploration, to learn about yourself from reading, therapy, and, best of all, talking incessantly with others who are traveling on similar paths. This hard work is well worth it because it is the way you become free to choose how you want to live and love, own your life, and become truly the author of your experience.
12. Q: Why is owning your feelings important in ethical sluthood?
A: Owning your feelings is basic to understanding the boundaries of where you end and the next person begins and the perfect first step toward self-acceptance and self-love. When you own your feelings, you have lots of choices. You can talk about how you feel, choose whether or not you want to act on those feelings, learn how to understand yourself better, comfort yourself or ask for comfort.
13. Q: Why is it important to go easy on yourself in ethical sluthood?
A: As prepared, as centered, as stable as you are, you are going to trip over problems you never anticipated. Perhaps the most important step in dealing with problems is to recognize that they will happen and that it's okay that they do. You'll make mistakes. You'll encounter beliefs, myths, and 'buttons' you never knew you had. There will be times when you'll feel pretty awful. Can we tell you how to avoid feeling bad? Nope. But we think you'd forgive a friend or lover who misunderstood or made a mistake, and we hope you'll grant yourself the same amnesty.
14. Q: What is the importance of telling the truth in ethical sluthood?
A: Throughout your experience - as you feel pain, ambivalence, joy - you must speak your own truth, first to yourself and then to those around you. Silent suffering and self-deception have no place in this lifestyle. Pretending that you feel great when you're in agony will not make you a better slut; it will make you bitterly unhappy, and it may make those who care about you even unhappier. Everybody feels bad sometimes, so you are in excellent company. And when you have the courage to be open about a vulnerable feeling, everyone around you gets permission to be open with theirs.
15. Q: What are some affirmations to try in ethical sluthood?
A: Affirmations can help you reinforce positive beliefs about yourself and your relationships. Some examples of affirmations to try include 'I deserve love,' 'My body is sexy just the way it is,' 'I ask for whatever I want and say no to whatever I don't,' 'I can turn difficulties into opportunities for growth,' 'Each new connection expands me,' 'I contain all I need for a life full of delight,' 'Sex is a beautiful expression of my loving spirit,' 'I am on my personal path to ecstasy.'
16. Q: Why is it important to overcome shame in ethical sluthood?
A: Most of us grew up in an atmosphere of shame about bodies and sex. We were taught shame at a very early age, before we could understand more than the acutely uncomfortable feeling. The enemy of shame is curiosity - the same curiosity we might have been punished for when we were two. Curiosity that wants to be playful, to explore what feels good; curiosity that lets us wonder why our tongues get tied and our cheeks burn when the moment comes to tell a person who loves and accepts us what, precisely, we dream of doing with them. So how can we get from where we are to where we want to be, free of all that worrying and shame? Use your curiosity to ask, 'How did I learn this?' 'What did I come to believe about myself when I was taught that touching myself 'down there' was shameful?' 'What do I believe about myself today?' 'What do I think would be a healthier belief?'

Response:
# 9

# SLUT SKILLS

Great sluts are made, not born. The skills you need to keep you and your partners happy and growing get developed through a combination of conscious effort and frequent practice. There are skills you can learn that will help start your adventure on the right foot and keep it on track.

Self-examination, in our opinion, is always a good idea—when you are journeying without a map, having a clear picture of your _internal_ landscape becomes essential. Ask yourself: What do you expect from this way of living your life? What rewards can you foresee that will compensate you for doing the hard work of learning to be secure in a world of shifting relationships? Some people who have already made the journey cite benefits like sexual variety, less dependence on a single relationship, or a sense of belonging to a network of friends, lovers, and partners. The people we interviewed said things like this:

• "I get relief from pressure—I dont have to fulfill every single thing my partner needs or wants, which means I dont have to try to be somebody Im not."

• "People have different ways of knowing and understanding things, so intimacy with various people expands my appreciation of the universe."

• "I can have hot erotic experiences without genital sex and without compromising my emotional monogamy."

• "My lifestyle gives me personal freedom, independence, and responsibility in a way that being in an exclusive couple does not."

• "I dont believe that humans are designed to be monogamous. Monogamy goes against my instincts."

• "I never feel that the grass might be greener on the other side of the fence—Ive been there."

• "Outside partners are an infusion of sexual juice into my primary relationship."

As you read this book and hear some stories about successful sluts, you may discover special benefits for you. What are your reasons for choosing this path?

Alas, many people begin to explore open relationships because their partner is pushing them into it or because all their friends are doing it and they dont want to seem prudish. We ask that you get clear within yourself that youre doing this for _you—_ because it excites you, because it offers opportunities for learning and growth and fun, because you want to. Make no mistake, this can be a rocky road. If youre navigating it for the wrong reasons, resentment can easily poison the very relationships you set out to improve.

Sexual change can be a path of reprogramming yourself, with abundant sex and love as the carrot and the fear of deprivation, boredom, or self-loathing as the stick. Because we dont believe the urge toward monogamy is innate, we think you must have learned your feelings and beliefs _somewhere—_ from your parents, from your past lovers, from your culture. What you have learned, you can obviously unlearn, and you can learn something new. Exploring your feelings and changing your reactions to them can be difficult—but what a feeling of power and triumph each time you succeed!

"Sexual change can be a path of reprogramming yourself, with abundant sex and love as the carrot and the fear of deprivation, boredom, or self-loathing as the stick."

Tools for Successful Sluttery

The people we know who succeed at ethical sluthood usually have a set of skills that helps them forge their pathway cleanly, honestly, and with a minimum of unnecessary pain. Here are some of the skills we think are important.

COMMUNICATION

Learning to talk clearly, and listen effectively, is critical. A technique for good listening is to listen to what your partner has to say without interrupting and let them know you heard them by telling them what you think they just said. Use this clarification technique _before_ you respond with your own thoughts and feelings. In this way, you make sure you have clear understanding before you go on with your discussion. Similarly, if youre the one talking, its not fair to expect your partner to read your mind—take the time and effort to be as clear and thorough in your explanation as you can, and be sure to include information about the emotions youre feeling as well as the facts involved.

If your communications often seem to go awry, it might be a good idea to spend some time and effort learning better communication skills: many adult education facilities offer excellent communication classes for couples, and you can do an Internet search on "communications skills couples" with the name of your area to find something near you.

EMOTIONAL HONESTY

Being able to ask for and receive reassurance and support is crucial. One of Janets partners used to request, when Janet was off to a joyously anticipated date with one of her other lovers, "Just tell me I dont have anything to worry about." Janet reports that it felt very good to know that he was willing to ask for reassurance when he needed it and that he trusted her to tell the truth about her feelings. If you imagine his feelings if he felt insecure and _didnt_ ask for reassurance, you can see why its so important to get your needs met up front.

We have all been afraid to ask, we have all failed to ask, we have all been irked with our lovers when they didnt read our minds and offer us the reassurance we crave, and we have all thought, "I shouldnt _have_ to ask." Lets remember to honor the courage it takes to ask for support, to share vulnerable feelings. Lets pat ourselves on the back when we do the things that scare us, and then lets do them some more.

"Lets remember to honor the courage it takes to ask for support, to share vulnerable feelings."

AFFECTION

Similarly, its vital to be able to _give_ reassurance and support, both in response to a request and on your own. If you cant tell your partners that you love them or give them a heartfelt compliment or tell them what you think is so wonderful about them, it may be optimistic to assume that theyll be able to remain secure enough to accommodate your other relationships.

Put some thought into how you can let your partners know how important they are to you. We recommend lots of hugging, touching, verbal affection, sincere flattery, little "love ya" gifts, and whatever else helps everyone feel secure and connected.

FAITHFULNESS

If you have one or more primary relationships, take a look at what you can do to reinforce their primacy. Many people in long-term relationships have certain activities that they keep only for their life partners—particular sexual behaviors, sleepovers, terms of affection, or whatever. Look at your public behavior—are you comfortable introducing your partner to the cute number you are flirting with at a wild party? We figure any cutie who would be put off by meeting our spouses will likely make trouble in the future, so its better if we find out now. Make agreements with your partners before the party, and then you need never wonder whether you are welcome to join a group or a conversation that your beloved is enjoying.

Pay attention, also, to how you acknowledge your nonprimary relationships. How will a partner you may never live with feel loved and secure? What rights does this partner have to your time and attention? How can you offer affection and reassurance to everyone who is important to you? Make it a point to let everyone you love know it. Make agreements with your life partner or partners about what you will do when an outside partner needs support or has a crisis like an accident or illness. Who makes the chicken soup? Maybe its you.

LIMIT SETTING

To be a happy slut, you need to know how—and when—to say no. Having a clear sense of your own limits, and respecting those limits, can keep you feeling good about yourself and help prevent those morning-after blues. Some limits may be about sexual behaviors: Would you have sex with a gender other than the one you usually do? Would you try a kind of sex you think is kinky? Limits about safer sex and birth control are obviously required: some things you definitely do not want to bring home with you. Limits might be about relationship styles, such as frequency of contact or intensity of connection. We also encourage you to think about ethical dilemmas and how youd react to them. Would you, for example, be a lover to a coupled individual whose partner didnt know about your involvement? Would you lie to a lover, fake an orgasm?

And then theres the very, very important limit of, "I dont want to," even if its your anniversary, even if youre supposed to want to, even if you havent for a long time. No excuses are needed.

When you respect your own limits, others will learn to respect them, too. People tend to live up to your standards when you are not afraid to set them. Only when everyones limits are out in the open do you become free to ask for your dearest fantasies, secure in the knowledge that if your friend doesnt want to, they wont. From this position we can ask for the earth and often end up getting a goodly chunk of it.

PLANNING

Successful sluts know that relationships dont just happen—they take work, planning, and commitment. Few of us have so much time on our hands that we can simply have conversations, sex, recreation, family time, or even fights whenever we feel like it—mundane reality has a tendency to get in the way of such important stuff. And yes, we do think fighting is important and necessary—well talk more about the hows and whys in chapter 16, "Embracing Conflict." If scheduling a fight seems a little bit absurd, just imagine the results of letting the tension build for several days because you _havent_ made time to argue.

Get yourself a group calendar and use it: some of the online calendars, where everyone can enter appointments and see what other appointments others have made, work well for this. Once youve made a commitment to spend time together for any reason, keep it—we know youre busy, but postponing important relationship work to attend to other business does not speak well of the significance you give your relationships, does it?

KNOWING YOURSELF

As we have said before, we are all carrying around a lot of garbage in our minds about sex and gender; some of these beliefs are buried so deep they can drive our behavior unconsciously, creating confusion and causing a great deal of pain to ourselves and the people we love.

These deeply held beliefs are the roots of sexism and sex-negativity, and to be a radical slut, you are going to have to uproot them. To truly know yourself is to live on a constant journey of self-exploration, to learn about yourself from reading, therapy, and, best of all, talking incessantly with others who are traveling on similar paths. This hard work is well worth it because it is the way you become free to choose how you want to live and love, own your life, and become truly the author of your experience.

"To truly know yourself is to live on a constant journey of self-exploration."

OWNING YOUR FEELINGS

A basic precept of intimate communication is that each person owns their own feelings. No one "makes" you feel jealous or insecure— the person who makes you feel that way is you. No matter what the other person is doing, what you feel in response is determined inside you. Even when somebody deliberately tries to hurt you, you make a choice about how you feel. You might feel angry or hurt or frightened or guilty. The choice, not usually conscious, happens inside you.

Reaching this understanding is not as easy as it sounds. When you feel rotten, it can be hard to accept the responsibility for how you feel: wouldnt this be easier if it were someone elses fault? The problem is that when you blame someone else for how you feel, you disempower yourself. If this is someone elses fault, only that person can fix it, right? So poor you cant do anything but sit there and moan.

On the other hand, when you own your feelings, you have lots of choices. You can talk about how you feel, you can choose whether or not you want to act on those feelings, you can learn how to understand yourself better, you can comfort yourself or ask for comfort. Owning your feelings is basic to understanding the boundaries of where you end and the next person begins and the perfect first step toward self-acceptance and self-love.

"When you own your feelings, you have lots of choices."

GOING EASY ON YOURSELF

As prepared, as centered, as stable as you are, you _are_ going to trip over problems you never anticipated—we guarantee it.

Perhaps the most important step in dealing with problems is to recognize that they will happen and that its okay that they do. Youll make mistakes. Youll encounter beliefs, myths, and "buttons" you never knew you had. There will be times when youll feel pretty awful.

Can we tell you how to avoid feeling bad? Nope. But we think youd forgive a friend or lover who misunderstood or made a mistake, and we hope youll grant yourself the same amnesty. Knowing, loving, and respecting yourself is an absolute prerequisite to knowing, loving, and respecting someone else. Cut yourself some slack.

A friend of ours, when she trips over some surprisingly intense emotional response, says, philosophically, "Oh well—AFOG," which stands, she says, for "Another Fucking Opportunity for Growth." Learning from ones mistakes isnt fun, but its way better than not learning at all.

TELLING THE TRUTH

Throughout your experience—as you feel pain, ambivalence, joy—you must speak your own truth, first to yourself and then to those around you. Silent suffering and self-deception have no place in this lifestyle. Pretending that you feel great when youre in agony will not make you a better slut; it will make you bitterly unhappy, and it may make those who care about you even unhappier. Everybody feels bad sometimes, so you are in excellent company. And when you have the courage to be open about a vulnerable feeling, everyone around you gets permission to be open with theirs.

When you tell the truth, you discover how much you have in common with the people you care about. Honesty puts you in an excellent position to support yourselves and each other in a life based on understanding and loving acceptance. As you dig deeper and share your discoveries, you may learn more about yourself and others than you ever knew before. Welcome that knowledge and keep on digging for more.

EXERCISE: SOME AFFIRMATIONS TO TRY

Maybe these affirmations will work for you or maybe you need to create your own. Whatever you come up with, write them down, post them on your refrigerator, carry them around in your pocket, and when you feel you need to, stand in front of a mirror and tell them to yourself.

· I deserve love.

· My body is sexy just the way it is.

· I ask for whatever I want and say no to whatever I dont.

· I can turn difficulties into opportunities for growth.

· Each new connection expands me.

· I contain all I need for a life full of delight.

· Sex is a beautiful expression of my loving spirit.

· I am on my personal path to ecstasy.

A Brief History of Shame

Most of us grew up in an atmosphere of shame about bodies and sex. We were taught shame at a very early age, before we could understand more than the acutely uncomfortable feeling.

Those of us who have seen very young children explore their bodies know that toddlers explore those interesting-feeling parts in the crotch with the same innocent curiosity that leads them to play with their toes: they are learning their bodies.

And that gets us to a very important truth: every single one of us was taught not to masturbate in the living room. Here the parents response predicts the future: Many parents will respond to any childhood masturbation with shock and horror, teaching us that our genitals are dirty and shameful. Some lucky few of us had parents who gently taught us that big people masturbate in their bedrooms with the door shut—and that population is, we are glad to note, steadily increasing.

If we take a look within ourselves when shame arises, we might find the places where we block ourselves, where somehow we believe that something is very wrong with us, and no one will ever love us or choose to connect with us once they see our brokenness. So how do we create a path to recovery from any shame we learned when we were too small to understand why?

Here are words to live by: _the enemy of shame is curiosity_ —the same curiosity we might have been punished for when we were two. Curiosity that wants to be playful, to explore what feels good; curiosity that lets us wonder why our tongues get tied and our cheeks burn when the moment comes to tell a person who loves and accepts us what, precisely, we dream of doing with them.

So how can we get from where we are to where we want to be, free of all that worrying and shame? Use your curiosity to ask, "How did I learn this?" "What did I come to believe about myself when I was taught that touching myself down there was shameful?" "What do I believe about myself today?" "What do I think would be a healthier belief?"

Perhaps if we give ourselves some comfort and support, perhaps if we remember to offer comfort and support when someone we care about is stuck in the same sort of way, perhaps we can come to believe that we deserve comfort and support.

Another of the great virtues of curiosity is that, in sexual exploration, we can become those children we once were, delightedly exploring how this feels, how that feels, giggling and writhing, asking how does my body work, how does your body work? We can unbridle our curiosity. Get silly with it. Play.

Dossie the therapist maintains that in sex we may find comfort and resolution of our deepest fears by giving them a healing injection of the life force in the form of an orgasm. Think of sexual joy as a proud, strong message that I am, and we are, on some very profound level, _all right._


Input:
  Here is a detailed prompt that would generate the above section of the story:

Title: Boundaries in Ethical Sluthood

1. Q: What are boundaries in ethical sluthood?
A: Boundaries in ethical sluthood are how we understand where we end and others begin. They are clear, strong, flexible, and, above all, conscious. To be an ethical slut, you need to have very good boundaries that are clear, strong, flexible, and, above all, conscious. One very successful slut we interviewed is outraged by accusations of indiscriminacy, pointing out that sluts get a great deal of opportunity to develop exquisitely sophisticated discrimination.
2. Q: Why is it essential to understand that no one can own another person?
A: It is basic to any relationship, and particularly important in open relationships, that no one can own another person. Some of us who are kinked that way may explore kinds of power exchanges that we call 'ownership,' but regardless of our relationship style, it is essential and incontrovertible that we each own ourselves—lock, stock, and barrel. We each have the responsibility of living our own lives, determining our individual needs, and arranging to get those needs met. We cannot live through a partner, nor can we assume that just because we have a lover, all our needs should automatically be satisfied.
3. Q: What are the consequences of believing that your relationship would provide your other—or better—half?
A: If you were brought up to believe that your relationship would provide your other—or (shudder) better—half or that your destiny is to submerge your identity in a relationship, you will probably have to put some attention into learning about your own boundaries. Boundaries are how we understand where I end and you begin, where we meet, and how we are separate individuals. You need to figure out where your limits are, what constitutes comfortable distance or closeness between yourself and others in various situations, and particularly the ways in which you and your lovers are individual and unique.
4. Q: What does it mean to own your choices?
A: As weve already discussed, each person owns their own emotions, and each person is responsible for dealing with those emotions. Understanding this is the first step to claiming something very precious—your own feelings. And when you grasp your feelings, you have something unbelievably valuable to bring to your relationships. When you find yourself responding to someone elses behavior, it can be easy to dwell on what that person has done and how terrible it is and what exactly they should do to fix it. Instead, try looking at your own feelings as a message about your internal state of being, and then decide how you want to deal with whatevers going on. Do you want to find out more? Do you want to discuss a limit? Do you want a little time to yourself to calm down and get centered? Do you want to be heard about something? When you take responsibility, you get these choices, and more.
5. Q: What is the importance of owning your own emotions in a relationship?
A: When you find yourself thinking blameful thoughts about your partner, you might ask yourself: 'What do I own here?' What you see inside might be something like, 'Wow, I sound just like my father when he was angry' or 'I feel the way I did when I was eight and used to hide in the closet when I was upset.' Then you might go to your lover and share how whatever was going on woke up some old tapes of yours, and you can brainstorm what you want to do about that. When each of you work together to own your stuff, then your partner can support you in exploring your emotions and, more important, learn to stop projecting onto you as well. Then you need never again feel like a puppet in somebody else's show.
6. Q: What are relationship boundaries?
A: Relationships also have boundaries. The agreements that free-loving singles, couples, and families make with respect for each others feelings constitute the boundaries of their relationships. In an open sexual community, it is important to deal with each relationship within its own boundaries. For example, you figure out your limits with your partners before you go to the sex party, you dont use your lover to diss your spouse, and decisions are made with input from everyone affected by them and not behind anybodys back.
7. Q: Why is it important to respect other people's relationships?
A: Communities based on sex and intimacy work best when everybody has respect for everybodys relationships, which includes not only lovers but also children, families of origin, neighbors, exes, and so on. When everyone is conscious of and caring about boundaries, such communities can evolve into highly connected family systems.
8. Q: Why is it important to learn from your mistakes?
A: Boundaries can get tricky at times, so we hope you give yourself lots of slack to explore. Expect to learn by trial and error, and have compassion for yourself when things inevitably dont work out the way you hoped they would. Remember, you cant learn from your errors if you always have to be right!
9. Q: What is the difference between sharing feelings and dumping?
A: Dumping means using others as your garbage pit, spewing your problematic stuff all over them and leaving it there. Dumping usually carries the expectation that the dumpee will do something about the problem, even if its simply to take on the burden of worrying so that the dumper can stop. Usually you can avoid dumping by making it totally clear that your need to share your emotional state carries no obligation for your listener.
10. Q: What is projection in relationships?
A: Projection is using another person as a screen to run your movie on. You see your fantasy and miss the real person. You imagine you know this persons thoughts, when in fact you are thinking about your fears. Maybe you imagine that they will respond the same way your parents did: 'I know youll reject me if I dont make a lot of money,' 'Youll never respect me if I show you my sadness.' Or you might be projecting your expectations, projections that your lovers—who are not mind readers—can never live up to: 'Youre supposed to take care of me!' and 'Whaddaya mean, youre not horny? _Im_ horny!'
11. Q: What are role boundaries in ethical sluthood?
A: You may find yourself playing out different roles, indeed, feeling like a somewhat different person with different partners. With one partner you might feel young and vulnerable and protected; with another, you are earth mother. With one lover you might feel careful and solid and safe; with another you might be dashing and reckless. These boundaries may seem unfamiliar or confusing when we dont have much experience with living in multiple relationships.
12. Q: What is asexuality and how does it fit into ethical sluthood?
A: Asexuality is defined as someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Many asexuals and aromantics find sluthood a good fit, as they can connect with partners in the ways that work for them, while the partners can seek ways of connecting with others that the asexual and/or aromantic partner is not interested in sharing. Like all sexual orientations, asexuality and aromanticism may be fluid, evolving as any given individual grows and changes. Or they may stay stable from earliest self-awareness onward.

Response:
# 10

# BOUNDARIES

Many people believe that to be a slut is to be indiscriminate, to not care about who you make love with and thus to not care about yourself. They believe that we live in excessively wide open spaces, with no discrimination, no fences, no boundaries. Nothing could be further from the truth. To be an ethical slut you need to have very good boundaries that are clear, strong, flexible, and, above all, conscious.

One very successful slut we interviewed is outraged by accusations of indiscriminacy, pointing out that sluts get a great deal of opportunity to develop exquisitely sophisticated discrimination: "We actually have more boundaries than most folks because we have more points of contact," more experience relating in very different ways to very diverse people.

"No one can own another person."

What Are Boundaries?

It is basic to any relationship, and particularly important in open relationships, that no one can own another person. Some of us who are kinked that way may explore kinds of power exchanges that we call "ownership," but regardless of our relationship style, it is essential and incontrovertible that we each own ourselves—lock, stock, and barrel. We each have the responsibility of living our own lives, determining our individual needs, and arranging to get those needs met. We cannot live through a partner, nor can we assume that just because we have a lover, all our needs should automatically be satisfied. Many of us have been taught that if our lover does not meet every need, this must not be true love, our lover must be somehow inadequate, or we must be at fault—too needy or undeserving or some other sin.

If you were brought up to believe that your relationship would provide your other—or (shudder) better—half or that your destiny is to submerge your identity in a relationship, you will probably have to put some attention into learning about your own boundaries. Boundaries are how we understand where I end and you begin, where we meet, and how we are separate individuals. You need to figure out where your limits are, what constitutes comfortable distance or closeness between yourself and others in various situations, and particularly the ways in which you and your lovers are individual and unique.

"When you grasp your emotions, you have something unbelievably valuable to bring to your relationships."

Owning Your Choices

As weve already discussed, each person owns their own emotions, and each person is responsible for dealing with those emotions. Understanding this is the first step to claiming something very precious—your own feelings. And when you grasp your feelings, you have something unbelievably valuable to bring to your relationships.

When you find yourself responding to someone elses behavior, it can be easy to dwell on what that person has done and how terrible it is and what exactly they should do to fix it. Instead, try looking at your own feelings as a message about your internal state of being, and then decide how you want to deal with whatevers going on. Do you want to find out more? Do you want to discuss a limit? Do you want a little time to yourself to calm down and get centered? Do you want to be heard about something? When you take responsibility, you get these choices, and more.

What you are _not_ responsible for is your lovers emotions. You can choose to be supportive—were great believers in the healing power of listening—but it is not your job to fix anything. Once you understand that your lovers emotions are not your job or your fault, you can listen and really hear without falling victim to an overwhelming need to figure out whose fault it is or to make the emotion change or go away.

Some people habitually respond to a lovers pain and confusion with an intense desire to fix something. Fix-it messages can feel like invalidation to the person who is trying to express an emotion. "Why dont you just do this…try that…forget about it…relax!" sends the message that the person expressing the emotion has overlooked some obvious and simple solution and is an idiot for feeling bad in the first place.

Being responsible for your emotions doesnt mean that you have to conquer all your difficult feelings bareknuckled and solo. You can ask for the help you need—reassurance, validation, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to vent in, a brain to brainstorm with—from friends, lovers, and/or a good therapist. And you, in turn, will do your best to make yourself available when your friends and lovers need this kind of help from you…right?

Learning to operate your emotional system consciously may require changing some old habits and can feel very shaky, sort of like learning to ride a bicycle. Youll probably fall down a few times, but if you pick yourself up and keep going, eventually youll get the feel of it. And once you get your balance, youll never forget.

Relationship Boundaries

Relationships also have boundaries. The agreements that free-loving singles, couples, and families make with respect for each others feelings constitute the boundaries of their relationships. In an open sexual community, it is important to deal with each relationship within its own boundaries. For example, you figure out your limits with your partners before you go to the sex party, you dont use your lover to diss your spouse, and decisions are made with input from everyone affected by them and not behind anybodys back.

Communities based on sex and intimacy work best when everybody has respect for everybodys relationships, which includes not only lovers but also children, families of origin, neighbors, exes, and so on. When everyone is conscious of and caring about boundaries, such communities can evolve into highly connected family systems.

"You cant learn from your errors if you always have to be right."

Be willing to learn from your mistakes. Boundaries can get tricky at times, so we hope you give yourself lots of slack to explore. Expect to learn by trial and error, and have compassion for yourself when things inevitably dont work out the way you hoped they would. Remember, you cant learn from your errors if you always have to be right!

Dumping

One place where people often get confused is differentiating between the honest sharing of feelings and dumping. Dumping means using others as your garbage pit, spewing your problematic stuff all over them and leaving it there. Dumping usually carries the expectation that the dumpee will do something about the problem, even if its simply to take on the burden of worrying so that the dumper can stop. Usually you can avoid dumping by making it totally clear that your need to share your emotional state carries no obligation for your listener: "I dont like your having a date with Paula tonight," followed by a heavy and pregnant silence, carries an entirely different weight than, "Im feeling insecure about your date with Paula tonight, but I want you to go ahead and have it. Are you okay with listening to some of my fears? Can we talk a bit about ways that I might be able to feel a little safer?"

Projection

Another trick to watch out for is projection: using another person as a screen to run your movie on. You see your fantasy and miss the real person. You imagine you know this persons thoughts, when in fact you are thinking about your fears. Maybe you imagine that they will respond the same way your parents did: "I know youll reject me if I dont make a lot of money," "Youll never respect me if I show you my sadness." Or you might be projecting your expectations, projections that your lovers—who are not mind readers—can never live up to: "Youre supposed to take care of me!" and "Whaddaya mean, youre not horny? _Im_ horny!"

When you make a commitment to own your own emotions, you can stop projecting them onto people you care about. Then you can be free to see the people you love clearly, in all their glory. When you find yourself thinking blameful thoughts about your partner, you might ask yourself: "What do I own here?" What you see inside might be something like, "Wow, I sound just like my father when he was angry" or "I feel the way I did when I was eight and used to hide in the closet when I was upset." Then you might go to your lover and share how whatever was going on woke up some old tapes of yours, and you can brainstorm what you want to do about that. When each of you work together to own your stuff, then your partner can support you in exploring your emotions and, more important, learn to stop projecting onto you as well. Then you need never again feel like a puppet in somebody elses show.

Role Boundaries

You may find yourself playing out different roles, indeed, feeling like a somewhat different person with different partners. With one partner you might feel young and vulnerable and protected; with another, you are earth mother. With one lover you might feel careful and solid and safe; with another you might be dashing and reckless. These boundaries may seem unfamiliar or confusing when we dont have much experience with living in multiple relationships.

Janet once got a wonderful feeling of acceptance for all her parts at a party:

> I enjoy games in which I role-play the part of a little girl, but my then-partner wasnt comfortable with them. After a bit of searching, though, I found within my circle of acquaintances a man who enjoyed being a "daddy" as much as I enjoyed having one. My partner was delighted Id found a safe place to play that role, and we both felt Id made a good choice in selecting someone to whom I could entrust such vulnerable parts of me. "Daddy" and I got together once or twice a month for finger painting, watching Disney movies, eating peanut butter sandwiches, and other somewhat more adult pleasures.
>
> At one point I attended a party where both my life partner and my "daddy" were in attendance. From across the room, I saw the two of them chatting, and I headed over to say hi. As I drew closer, my partner held his arm out invitingly and called, "Hey, hon, come over and hang out with your dad and your boyfriend for a while." The feeling of acceptance, and the warmth of knowing the two men accepted and honored each others role in my life, was amazing.

One of the things people get out of multiple relationships is the chance to be all of their various selves. When two people meet, they relate where they intersect, where they have complementary roles in similar scripts. So by being different things with different lovers, we might find ourselves having different boundaries, limits, and relationship styles in different circumstances.

Your own internal variety might manifest in many ways. For instance, you might be calm and centered when Lover A is angry, but Lover Bs irritability is distressing to you—it "pushes your buttons," perhaps reminding you of a past lover or a punitive parent. Here is an opportunity to take charge of your buttons. When your buttons are your own, it becomes much easier to figure out what your limits need to be with Lover B and to understand that they may be altogether different from your limits with Lover A.

Forget about fairness. Ethical sluttery does not mean that all things come out equal. Different relationships have different boundaries, different limits, and different potentials. So if your lover has found someone that they can share a certain activity with, and you would like your lover to share that with you too, the question is not, "Why dont you do that with me?" but "That sounds interesting; how do you suppose we could make that work for us?"

This is how one woman we interviewed put it:

> My open sexual lifestyle gives me personal freedom, independence, and responsibility in a way that being an exclusive couple doesnt. Because Im responsible, every day, for my needs being met (or not), and for creating and maintaining the relationships in my life, I can take nothing for granted. Every person I meet has the potential for whatever it is thats right between me and that person, regardless of how my relationships are with anybody else. And so this lifestyle gives me a very concrete feeling of individuality that I re-create every day. I feel more like a grown-up, adult, responsible person when I know that my life, all of it—who I fuck, who I relate to, how I relate to them—is all my choice. I promised my partner that I would share my life with him, and that implies to me that I have a life to share—a complete life. And its clear to me that hes here because he wants to be here, wherever "here" is. We are with each other, every day, because we really want to be.

On Asexuality

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network defines an asexual as "someone who does not experience sexual attraction." A parallel identity is the "aromantic," who may or may not also be asexual but does not relate to people romantically. There are many gradations of both asexuality and aromanticism: people speak of "graysexuals," who are somewhere between asexual and sexual; "demisexuals," who feel sexual only toward people they love; and many others (with parallel categories available to the aromantic). We cant possibly list all the categories of asexuality and aromanticism here, but we encourage you to seek out more information about these orientations if theyre unfamiliar to you—many people are startled to find in themselves some kinship with at least some asexual/aromantic identities.

Like all sexual orientations, asexuality and aromanticism may be fluid, evolving as any given individual grows and changes. Or they may stay stable from earliest self-awareness onward.

Many asexuals and aromantics find sluthood a good fit, as they can connect with partners in the ways that work for them, while the partners can seek ways of connecting with others that the asexual and/or aromantic partner is not interested in sharing.

Janet has attended some asexuality panels and workshops and has been amazed by how many talking points they had in common with ethical sluthood, including the idea that connection can be made in all sorts of ways, genital and nongenital, and that having genital sex does not make a relationship somehow more "real."


Input:
 Title: The Unethical Slut

1. Q: What is the concept of the unethical slut?
A: Some people treat sex as a big-game hunt, trying to conquer the unwilling and unwitting victim, as though the object of their attention would never decide to share sex with them unless tricked into it. Such people often approach open sexual lifestyles as if keeping score. Set collectors and trophy fuckers treat their partners like prizes in a contest they have set out to win. This approach does not meet the requirements for mutual respect.
2. Q: What is the problem with using sex to shore up sagging self-esteem?
A: Using sex to shore up sagging self-esteem by stealing someone elses does not work to build a solid sense of self-worth, and this thief of love will have to go on stealing more and more without ever feeling fulfilled.
3. Q: What is the issue with set collectors?
A: The concept of set collectors may be new to you, but such people exist. They treat their partners as collectibles, and this approach does not meet the requirements for mutual respect.
4. Q: How do hierarchies of desirability affect people?
A: Some people approach "scoring" as if all people can be ranked on a hierarchy from the most to the least desirable and the way to make the most points and assure yourself of a high rank is to collect partners as high up the ladder as you can reach. People gain in rank and value in these hierarchies by being thin, young, cute, gym-toned, wealthy, and/or of high social status. We do not believe that love is a game that you can win by scoring high on a hierarchy of shallow values. Hierarchies produce victims on the top as well as the bottom, because it is almost as alienating to be approached by too many people for the wrong reasons as it is to be approached by nobody at all.
5. Q: How does a history of nonconsensual nonmonogamy affect a person's ability to adapt to consensual sluthood?
A: Some who have a history of nonconsensual nonmonogamy may have a very hard time adapting to the idea of consensual sluthood. These folks may have built the furtive feeling of getting away with something into their erotic life, hooked on the adrenaline rush they get from forbidden fruit. It takes a pretty substantial leap of faith, and maybe some creative fantasizing and role-playing, for such individuals to open up their hidden places and experience the greater joy that can come from knowing that nobody is getting hurt by their fun.
6. Q: Why are people who refuse to use barriers not ethical sluts?
A: People who refuse to learn to use barriers that get between people and viruses are not ethical sluts. They are, quite simply, playing dirty when they argue with lovers about allowing potentially infectious sex, insisting on sex without barriers, or attempting to sneak around a lovers limits about safer sex. Refusing to deal with the realities of viruses and bacteria because of embarrassment is also unethical: a good slut speaks the truth even if blushing furiously.
7. Q: Why is it important to be honest about your intentions?
A: Ethical sluts do not make promises they cant keep. If you are attracted to someone who is looking for a life partnership and what you want is a lighthearted affair (or vice versa), you need to be honest about that, even if that means saying, "No, thank you" to sex until your feelings for each other are more on a par.
8. Q: What is the issue with revenge fucking?
A: To arrange to have sex with one person to get back at another is dishonorable, and to use another person as a puppet in your play is disrespectful and often downright abusive.
9. Q: How should one handle a situation where someone in their intimate circle is not playing honestly?
A: It helps if the people in your extended family have ways to talk about what is going on, to share experiences and feelings. If everyone is too ashamed to admit to having been misused by someone with an untrustworthy hidden agenda, then no one will have the information they need to protect themselves. There is no shame in having believed someones lies, and most of us at some time or other have given our trust to someone who turned out not to be worthy of it. It is possible to fool an honest person, but we hope you have enough humility to learn from your mistakes and not get fooled twice.
10. Q: Why is it important to be honest in relationships?
A: All these difficult scripts are about somebody not being honest and are also about someone having sex while avoiding intimacy and emotional connection. When you are not telling the truth, you cannot be present; when you are not present, you can't be connected to anyone else; and when you are not connected, how can you feel anything at all? By treating lovers as people and letting relationships take the shapes they want instead of the forms forced on them by the culture around them, ethical sluts can form relationships that last.

Response:
# 11

# THE UNETHICAL SLUT

Some people treat sex as a big-game hunt—trying to conquer the unwilling and unwitting victim, as though the object of their attention would never decide to share sex with them unless tricked into it. Believing that a person would have to be a fool to make love with you is often, we observe, a self-fulfilling prophecy. Using sex to shore up sagging self-esteem by stealing someone elses does not work to build a solid sense of self-worth, and this thief of love will have to go on stealing more and more without ever feeling fulfilled.

Such people often approach open sexual lifestyles as if keeping score. Set collectors and trophy fuckers treat their partners like prizes in a contest they have set out to win.

The concept of set collectors may be new to you, but we assure you that such people exist. A friend of ours once discovered that a would-be lover of hers had already had sex with her mother and her sister and was hoping to complete the set. Sex that means treating your partners as collectibles does not meet our requirements for mutual respect.

Some people approach "scoring" as if all people can be ranked on a hierarchy from the most to the least desirable and the way to make the most points and assure yourself of a high rank is to collect partners as high up the ladder as you can reach. People gain in rank and value in these hierarchies by being thin, young, cute, gym-toned, wealthy, and/or of high social status.

We do not believe that love is a game that you can win by scoring high on a hierarchy of shallow values. We know from extensive experience that appearance and wealth are not predictors of good loving. We try to avoid ranking people as better or worse than each other and are unhappy with those who want to relate to our rank more than our selves. Hierarchies produce victims on the top as well as the bottom, because it is almost as alienating to be approached by too many people for the wrong reasons as it is to be approached by nobody at all.

Some who have a history of nonconsensual nonmonogamy may get attached to the sense of secrecy, of getting away with something. These folks may have a very hard time adapting to the idea of consensual sluthood—theyre so used to concealing their activities from their partners that they may even have built that furtive feeling into their erotic life, hooked on the adrenaline rush they get from forbidden fruit. It takes a pretty substantial leap of faith, and maybe some creative fantasizing and role-playing, for such individuals to open up their hidden places and experience the greater joy that can come from knowing that nobody is getting hurt by their fun.

People who refuse to learn to use barriers that get between people and viruses are not ethical sluts. They are, quite simply, playing dirty when they argue with lovers about allowing potentially infectious sex, insisting on sex without barriers, or attempting to sneak around a lovers limits about safer sex. Refusing to deal with the realities of viruses and bacteria because of embarrassment is also unethical: a good slut speaks the truth even if blushing furiously.

Ethical sluts do not make promises they cant keep. If you are attracted to someone who is looking for a life partnership and what you want is a lighthearted affair (or vice versa), you need to be honest about that, even if that means saying, "No, thank you" to sex until your feelings for each other are more on a par. Mistakes can easily be made—sometimes accidentally and sometimes when we should have predicted that someone would get hurt.

We have both made such mistakes. Now, your older and wiser authors have discovered a couple of limits of our own: we do not share sex with anyone that were not at least potentially interested in sharing sex with again, and we believe that anything worth doing is worth waiting for until the time is right. One hallmark of a skillful slut is to learn from ones mistakes and keep going. Dossie made such a mistake when she was very young and stupid:

> My long-term relationship had just broken up and I was pretty broken up about it myself. I went out to the coffee shop in Greenwich Village and saw my recent ex in earnest conversation with a cute young thing who was not me. I felt horribly betrayed, lost, and worthless. Just then, a young man who had been attracted to me, and for whom I had no serious feelings, came up to speak to me. It somehow seemed appropriate to go home with him and let him soothe my ruffled feathers, but I regretted it the next day when I found myself hurting his feelings and leaving him in the lurch. To further aggravate my guilt, it turned out that what my ex was doing with that sweet girl was beating his bosom about how horrible he felt about breaking up with me—we wound up getting back together. I have always felt that I took advantage of the young man who offered me his affection, which I thoughtlessly took and then gave right back to him. It would have been kinder had I just said no.

And that brings us to revenge fucking. It is truly nasty to arrange to have sex with one person to get back at another. To arouse one persons insecurities, jealousy, and other painful feelings on purpose is dishonorable, and to use another person as a puppet in your play is disrespectful and often downright abusive. In psychopathology, being "antisocial" is defined as behaving with flagrant disregard for the rights, and we would add the feelings, of others. We prefer to relate to sociable people.

What do you do when someone in your intimate circle is not playing honestly? It helps if the people in your extended family have ways to talk about what is going on, to share experiences and feelings. If everyone is too ashamed to admit to having been misused by someone with an untrustworthy hidden agenda, then no one will have the information they need to protect themselves. There is no shame in having believed someones lies, and most of us at some time or other have given our trust to someone who turned out not to be worthy of it. It is possible to fool an honest person, but we hope you have enough humility to learn from your mistakes and not get fooled twice.

All these difficult scripts are about somebody not being honest and are also about somebody having sex while avoiding intimacy and emotional connection. When you are not telling the truth, you cannot be present; when you are not present, you cant be connected to anyone else; and when you are not connected, how can you feel anything at all?

By treating lovers as people and letting relationships take the shapes they want instead of the forms forced on them by the culture around them, ethical sluts can form relationships that last.