Input:
 1. Q: What is the purpose of the chapter?
A: The purpose of the chapter is to discuss the many different styles of ethical sluthood and to show that there is no one "right" way to be a slut. The authors argue that everyone has their own unique style of sluthood and that it is important to find what works for you.
2. Q: What are some examples of different slut styles?
A: Some examples of different slut styles include relationship pioneers, who have always found happiness and growth in sexual openness; people who live in intentional sexual communities, such as the Oneida community or Rajneeshpuram; and people who have built their lives around intentional exploration of alternative relationships, such as artists and freethinkers.
3. Q: How do the authors define sluthood?
A: The authors define sluthood as the practice of being sexually open and adventurous, and of having multiple sexual partners. They argue that sluthood is not a negative thing and that it can be a source of happiness and growth.
4. Q: What is the authors' stance on monogamy?
A: The authors argue that monogamy is not the only way to have a fulfilling and satisfying relationship, and that there are many other ways to be happy and satisfied. They argue that people should be free to choose the relationship style that works best for them.
5. Q: Who is the intended audience of the chapter?
A: The intended audience of the chapter is people who are interested in exploring alternative sexualities and in questioning cultural norms around sex and intimacy.
6. Q: What is the tone of the chapter?
A: The tone of the chapter is positive and empowering. The authors argue that sexuality and pleasure are fundamental forces for good in people's lives and in the world, and that everyone should be free to celebrate their sexuality in the way that works best for them.
7. Q: What is the main argument of the chapter?
A: The main argument of the chapter is that there are many different ways to be a slut and that everyone should be free to choose the relationship style that works best for them. The authors argue that monogamy is not the only way to have a fulfilling and satisfying relationship, and that there are many other ways to be happy and satisfied. They encourage readers to be open to new experiences and to write their own scripts for their relationships and their lives.

Response:
# 4

# SLUT STYLES

Ethical sluthood is a house with a lot of rooms: it shelters everyone from happy celibates to ecstatic orgiasts and beyond. In this chapter, well talk about the many styles of sluthood that have worked for us, for the people we know, and for happy sluts throughout history. Whether or not any of these scenarios fits you, we hope they will offer you some ideas about where to start your exploration or perhaps the validation of knowing that there are others like you out there.

Relationship Pioneers

Although the phrase "ethical slut" is relatively new—Dossie coined it in 1995—the practice is not. Cultural acceptance of practices outside monogamy has roller-coastered up and down from acceptance to stern rejection, but regardless of the opinions of church and state, there have always been those who have found happiness and growth in sexual openness.

ANCIENT CULTURES

You could spend your life as a cultural anthropologist trying to describe the innumerable ways that human beings have chosen to be together sexually, romantically, and domestically—from the temple prostitutes of ancient Babylon to Mormon polygyny and far, far beyond. So, rather than trying to list them all, we just want to note that the prevailing cultural values that twenty-first-century North America inherited from Europe seem to date back to the Roman Empire and to early Christianity, which recommended monogamous marriage only for those who couldnt manage celibacy, the ideal state. Cultures without those influences have developed all sorts of ways for people to bond—polygyny (many wives), polyandry (many husbands), group marriage, arrangements in which marriage is fundamentally a domestic business relationship and sexual dalliance takes place elsewhere, ritual group sex, and pretty much any other configuration of human hearts and genitals that you can imagine.

UTOPIAN SEXUAL COMMUNITIES

History is dotted with experiments in creating intentional sexual utopias, often with a philosophical or religious basis: if youre curious, read up on the Oneida community of nineteenth-century Ohio (or see the sidebar); Rajneeshpuram in India (from the late 1960s) and Oregon (in the 1980s); and Kerista in New York, Belize, and San Francisco from the early 1960s through the 1990s…to name just a few. Such communities are usually built by one leader and may falter when the leader is no longer available. However, their philosophies live on, adding new visions and practices to the mainstream culture. Many practitioners of Western tantra today, for example, can trace their practice to the teachings of Oshō, the guiding spirit behind Rajneeshpuram.

ARTISTS AND FREETHINKERS

Its easy to point to artists and writers who have built their lives around intentional exploration of alternative relationships. If youre curious about the ways in which these relationships played out in times when there was even less support than there is now, you can read up on the Bloomsbury group in early twentieth-century England and about freethinkers like Vita Sackville-West, Harold Nicholson, George Sand, H. G. Wells, Simone de Beauvoir, Alfred Kinsey, and Edna St. Vincent Millay. What we cant know is how many nonwriters were also building the kind of sexually open lives that worked for them, because there are no records of such lives. We feel safe in supposing, though, that a significant minority of people have always gotten their needs met through ethical multipartner living.

THE LOVE GENERATION

Dossie came of age surrounded by the utopian concepts of the 1960s, and Janet did shortly afterward; both of us have been greatly influenced by those days of radical exploration. Many ideals of that era—nonconformity, exploration of altered states of consciousness, equality of race and gender, ecological awareness, political activism, openness about sexuality, and, yes, the possibility of ethical and loving nonmonogamy—have permeated the greater culture. We doubt that we could have written this book or published it in the 1950s, so if youre reading and enjoying _The Ethical Slut_ today, thank a hippie.

Sluthood Today

Sluts come in all the various forms and styles that humans come in: in all cultures, from all parts of the world, of all religions and lifestyles, rich and poor, with formal and informal education.

"We doubt that we could have written this book or published it in the 1950s, so if youre reading and enjoying _The Ethical Slut_ today, thank a hippie."

Most of us today live in communities of nonsluts, with only occasional or limited contact with other people who share our values: some groups host conferences, meetups, **munches** , conventions, and parties, all of which can mitigate isolation, facilitate the exchange of information and support, and expand their members intimate circles. These conferences are very important in bringing sexual undergrounds into the view of those who are looking for them and building institutions aboveground that can better support their members. Other sluts drop out of mainstream culture to live in communities composed of people whose values are like their own.

A slut living in mainstream, monogamy-centrist culture in the twenty-first century can learn a great deal from studying other cultures, other places, and other times: youre _not_ the only one in the world who has ever tried this, it _can_ work, and others have done it without harming themselves, their lovers, their kids—without, in fact, doing anything except enjoying themselves and each other. If you go online and search for "polyamory" plus the name of your city, youll be surprised how much shows up, even if you live in what you thought was a conservative community.

Pioneering sexual subcultures with extensive documented and undocumented histories include communities of gay men and of lesbian women, trans groups, bisexuals, asexuals, the leather communities, the swing communities, and some spiritually defined subcultures of pagans, modern primitives, tantra temples, and Radical Faeries. And thats just in the United States. Even if you dont belong to any of these sexually oriented communities, its worth taking a look at them for what they can teach us about our own options through the ways they have developed of being sexual, of communicating about being sexual, and of living in social and family structures that are alternatives to **sex-negative** traditions in America.

Dossies favorite dance club in 1970 was a remarkable miniculture of polymorphous perversity. She remembers:

> The Omni, short for "omnisexual," was a small North Beach bar whose patrons were men and women, straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and often transgender. The sexual values were very open, from hippie free love freaks to sex industry professionals, and most of us came there to dance like wild women and cruise like crazy.
>
> Thanks to the large transgender faction, there was no way of pigeonholing a person into your categories of desire. You might dance with someone you found very attractive and not know if they were chromosomally male or female. Its difficult to get attached to preferences like lesbian or straight when you dont know the gender of the person you are flirting with.
>
> The results were surprising: I patronized the Omni because it was the safest environment available to me. Because there was no way to make assumptions, people had to treat each other with respect. And if you were, as I was, a young woman in your twenties, to be approached with respect was a most welcome relief from straight social environments where it was customary for men to prove their manhood by coming on too strong.

Since we see some of the problems in attaining a free and open expression of our own individual sexuality as having to do with living in a sex-role-bound culture, we have found it useful to learn from people who have shifted the boundaries of what it means to be male or female, or what it means to choose partners of the same or opposite sex or with ways of approaching sex that go beyond the genital. Thinking about different ways of living and loving can help us as we consider whether we want to change anything about how we go about living as men, women, and/or somewhere in between.

LESBIAN WOMEN

In the lesbian community, we get to look at what happens in a world consisting almost entirely of those who identify as women. For women, relationships can get confused with their sense of identity, especially because our culture in its most tradition-bound form hardly allows women any independent sense of identity at all. Thus, many women, who may have been raised to believe that their identity depends on their partnered status, act as if they would lose their entire sense of themselves without their relationship. The most common relationship sequence, as we see it magnified in the lesbian community, is the form of nonmonogamy known as serial monogamy. Often the connection to the partner of the future precedes the breakup with the partner of the past, with accompanying **drama** that presumably feels safer than the vast, empty, unknown, and terrifying identity void of being a woman living as a single human being.

Younger lesbians are questioning these traditions, and often that questioning includes looking into nonmonogamy as a way to form less insular relationships. Lesbian polyamory is characterized by a lot of serious thoughtfulness and attention to consent and thus by tremendous openness about processing feelings, an area in which the womens community excels.

Our lesbian sisters also have a lot to teach us about new ways of developing a womans role as sexual initiator. In heterosexual culture, men have been assigned the job of initiator and trained to be sexually aggressive. In the world of women who relate sexually to other women, it rapidly becomes apparent that if we all see ourselves as Sleeping Beauties waiting for Princess Charming to come along, we might indeed have to wait a hundred years.

Womens style of coming on—when shyness doesnt get in the way—tends to be forthright, with respect for consent, and is unlikely to be intrusive or pushy, as many women have had too much experience with being violated to want to go down that road. Women have strong concerns about safety and so tend to move slowly and announce their intentions. They may be shy in the seductive stages and bolder once welcome has been secured. Women often want explicit permission for each specific act, so their communication could serve as an excellent role model for negotiated consent.

We would like to draw your attention to another illuminating difference about sex between women. A sexual encounter between two women rarely involves the expectation of simultaneous orgasm, as many people believe penis-vagina intercourse should, so women have become experts at taking turns. Lesbians are world-class experts on sensuality and outercourse, those wonderful forms of sexuality that do not rely on penile penetration. When penetration is desired, the focus is on what works for the partners: we have yet to meet a dildo that got hung up on its own needs. And you get to choose whatever size and shape you want!

GAY MEN

The gay male community reflects some of the traditional images of male sexuality in intensified form. While some gay men are interested in long-term relationships and settling down, others have set records as world-class sluts. The gay baths are the ultimate role model of friendly group sex environments and easy sexual connection for its own sake.

Gay male sex, as a rule, starts from a presumption of equal power, without the dynamic of overpowering and withholding that often pervades male/female interactions. Thus, men do not generally try to get consent from each other by manipulation and pressuring: a straightforward approach meets an easy response and no need to ask three times. Gay men give each other a lot of credit for being able to say no, and for meaning it when they say it—this makes coming on very simple, because you are never trying to sneak up on anybody and you are not required to be subtle. It is always okay to ask as long as it is okay for the other person to say no. This admirably simple approach to consent cannot be recommended too highly.

Men in general have had less reason to fear sexual violation than their sisters. Although it is true, and terrible, that boys do get molested and men do get raped, men seem to have more confidence than women in their power to protect themselves. Men also tend to get a lot of cultural support for being sexual. So, although the forbiddenness of homosexuality may give many gay men a lot of questions (about being okay or having something wrong with them or having other forms of internalized homophobia), this is less often reflected in sexual dysfunction. Gay men as a group are really good at finding out what feels good to them.

Gay men have established most of our understanding of safer sex. In the face of the AIDS epidemic, where many people might have retreated into sex-negativity, the gay community held its ground and continued to create environments where hot, creative, safer sex could be learned and practiced.

BISEXUALS/PANSEXUALS

Often stigmatized as "gays unwilling to relinquish heterosexual privilege" or "hets taking a walk on the wild side," bisexuals and pansexuals, starting back in the 1970s, have developed their own forceful voice and their own communities.

Some people prefer the term _pansexual_ to _bisexual_ because theyre uncomfortable with the etymology of "bisexual," with its implication of only two genders. We like bi activist Robin Ochss definition: "I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted—romantically and/or sexually—to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree." Use whichever term you feel more comfortable with, but be prepared to hear from others who have made different choices than yours.

Looking at the theory and practice of bisexual lifestyles offers opportunities to explore our assumptions about the nature of sexual and romantic attraction and behaviors. Some folks have had sex only with members of one gender but know that they have within themselves the ability to connect erotically or emotionally with more than one gender and thus consider themselves bisexual. Others may be actively having sex with someone of a gender that is not their usual choice and still consider themselves heterosexual or gay. Some bisexuals prefer different types of interaction with different genders, while others consider themselves gender-blind. Some can be sexual with any gender but romantic with only one, or vice versa, and so on, throughout the universe of bisexual attractions and choices. Bisexuals challenge a lot of our assumptions about gender, and many bisexuals can tell you what is different for them between sex and relationships with one gender and with another. This interesting and privileged information can provide all of us with new stories about sex and gender.

The increasing visibility of bisexuality has led to some challenges to traditional definitions of sexual identity. Specifically, we are having to look at the fact that our sexual attractions may say one thing about us, while our sexual behaviors say another, and our gender identity says yet a third. Questions like these are eating away at some of the traditional boundaries we place around sexual identity, much to the dismay of purists of all orientations. Your authors, sluts that we are, enjoy this kind of fluidity and appreciate the opportunity to play as we like with whoever looks good to us without relinquishing our fundamental sense of who we are.

Janets path toward her current identity as a bisexual has been a confusing one: it was nearly a decade after she began having sex with women before she started to feel comfortable using the term to describe herself:

> I felt turned off by the trendiness of "bisexual chic." And at the same time, I was hearing some genuinely cruel and ignorant judgments from both heterosexuals and homosexuals about bis.
>
> As a result, it wasnt until I knew for sure that I was capable of having both sexual and romantic feelings for both men and women—and until I felt strong enough to claim the identity in the face of all those negative judgments—that I finally began calling myself "bisexual."
>
> I look back on my life now and see that Ive generally expressed my domestic urges toward men but that my romantic and sexual feelings are about equally likely to be inspired by a man, a woman, or someone in between. The bisexual community also offers more support than either straight-land or gay-land for my rather ambiguous gender presentation: some days I like to wear red lipstick and jewelry and other days mens trousers and oxfords. So "bisexual" is the identity that fits me best and where I intend to stay.

HETEROSEXUALS

In bygone decades, there were few role models for heterosexual interaction in mainstream culture: an Ozzie and Harriet household, monogamous, patriarchal, and focused on conformity and childrearing, was presented to us all as our sexual and romantic ideal. Your authors are very glad to have outlived this era.

Modern heterosexuality offers a plethora of options for happy sluthood, from long-term "vee" triads, where two partners are both sexual with one "hub" partner but not with each other, to orgiastic recreational sex—with lots of possibilities in between, including open relationships, triads and quads, poly pods, and intimate extended families we sometimes call _polycules_ or _constellations_. (Janet implores you, by the way, not to assume that any couple that appears to be a man and a woman is in fact a heterosexual couple. One or both of them may be bisexual, trans, or queer in any number of other ways. As always, if you wanna know, you gotta ask.)

There has been a major change in the culture since the last edition of this book: now people of all genders can marry the person they love and raise a family together if thats what they want. What this means is that many people are now looking to the accumulated wisdom of heterosexual sluts to figure out how to reconcile their parenting obligations with their goals for their sexuality and relationships.

Its also worth noting that heterosexuals are perhaps subject to even more gender-role-based pressure than the rest of us. So those hetero folk who somehow manage to break through those confining roles—who have succeeded in building lives in which the man stays at home with the kids while the woman is the breadwinner, or the woman cuts her hair short and stomps around in heavy-soled boots while the man struts his stuff in colorful silks and velvets, or who have formed ranks to protect kids whose gender presentation is atypical but who still need to function in an otherwise conventional life—have much wisdom to share.

TRANS AND GENDERQUEER FOLKS

Trans and genderqueer people form a variety of communities, all of which have much to teach to those who are interested in transcending their gender-role programming. Dossie, in the early years of her feminism, found friends and lovers among trans women who became her wonderful role models for how to be female, indeed often ultra-feminine, and still be assertive and powerful.

What we can all learn from our trans friends is that gender is malleable. From people who take hormones to express male or female gender, we learn about how some behaviors and emotional states may be hormone-related. People who have lived parts of their lives in different gender modes, physiologically and culturally, have a great deal to teach us about what changes according to hormones and what does not, and what gender characteristics remain a matter of choice no matter what your endocrine system says. Genderqueer and nonbinary people—those who choose to live their lives somewhere between the usual gender roles—are softening the boundaries of gender and demonstrating what life without binary gender might look like.

"What we can all learn from our trans friends is that gender is malleable."

If you think this doesnt apply to you, that you are certain of your gender and that its immutable, please consider that a great many people are born with characteristics of both genders: depending on whose definition you use, anywhere from two to seventeen babies out of a thousand are born with chromosomes and/or genitalia that place them somewhere between the extremes of the gender continuum. These conditions are collectively called **intersex**. Intersex support organizations have arisen with the goals of preventing surgeries on infants to make sure they conform to some gender or other, condemning them to a long series of surgeries and hormone treatments. It appears that Mother (Father?) Nature doesnt believe in only two genders and neither do your authors.

Moreover, a great many people whose genitals and chromosomes are all lined up with biological norms nonetheless feel strongly that they would live more happily and appropriately when presenting as a different gender than the one the doctor assigned to them at birth; you may have such people among your friends and family without knowing it, unless they choose to tell you.

Trans folks can tell us a lot about how differently other people treat you when they see you as a man or as a woman. Perforce, they become experts at living in a very hostile world. It takes a strong-minded person to stand up to our cultures rigidity about "real men" and "real women." No other sexual minority is more likely to suffer direct physical oppression in the form of queer-bashing. It was mostly genderqueer people—butch women and drag queens—who rebelled against police brutality in the famous Stonewall riots of 1969 that initiated the gay liberation movement.

Since our last edition, there has been a lot of media coverage of transgender people and enormous progress in acceptance of gender variance. Important transgender legal rights are increasingly considered human rights. With the support of mainstream pediatricians, in many places, children are allowed to attend school in the gender they feel themselves to be. Famous people may transition publicly, and a rich library of films and television shows are presenting fascinating stories about lives that transcend gender. Trans people can teach us a lot about the determination to be free.

TANTRA AND SPIRITUAL SEX PRACTITIONERS

Celibacy is not the only sexual practice of the spiritually inclined. Early examples of religious communities based on nonmonogamy included the Mormon Church, the Oneida community (see sidebar), the practices of _maithuna_ in tantric yoga, and the temple whores of the early Mediterranean goddess worshipers. Tantra as we know it today is actually a Westernized form of classical tantric practice, which uses breath, eye contact, and physical movement to attain altered states of high erotic consciousness; it is taught in workshops in most major cities and in many excellent books and videos. Other classical spiritual/sexual traditions have been updated for Western consumption in practices like Healing Tao and Quodoushka. Pagans and Radical Faeries come together for festivals and gatherings to celebrate ancient sexual rites such as Beltane, or to make up their own rituals that are appropriate to current lifestyles, like the open sexuality of Faerie gatherings or the more subtle eroticism of sacred dance and drumming.

These practitioners understand that sex is connected to the spiritual. As we said in _The New Bottoming Book_ , "Every orgasm is a spiritual experience. Think of a moment of perfect wholeness, of yourself in perfect unity, of expanded awareness that transcends the split between mind and body and integrates all the parts of you in ecstatic consciousness….When you bring spiritual awareness to your sexual practice, you can become directly conscious of—connected to—that divinity that always flows through you….For us, sex is already an opportunity to see God."

KINK, LEATHER, AND BDSM

Many cultural anthropologists believe that contemporary leather culture got its start in the wake of World War II, brought home by soldiers who came back from war with a taste for power and authority exerted by and for men. We note, however, that many forms of kinky play predate this phenomenon by centuries or even millennia: the Greek philosopher Aristotle is known to have enjoyed being ridden like a pony by his female acquaintances, and sexual bondage is the subject of Japanese art dating back to the seventeenth century.

Todays kinksters offer tremendous knowledge of how eroticism can be awakened with or without going for the genital, as well as ways to play with the outward appearance of inequality while staying well within the boundaries of negotiated consent. Polyamory and open relationships are very common in most kink communities, as the chances are slim of finding one partner who is open to all your fantasies and whose company you can tolerate on an ongoing basis. Both of your authors learned many of their sexual values and behaviors within the kink/leather/BDSM communities.

SEX WORKERS

Despite what you might have learned from the TV or the tabloids, sex workers really are not all desperate drug addicts, debased victims, or predatory gold diggers. Many healthy and happy people work in the sex industry, doing essential and positive work healing the wounds inflicted by our sex-negative culture. We know them as friends, lovers, colleagues, writers, therapists, and educators, as well as performers and artists. These folks have a great deal to teach us about boundaries, limit setting, communication, sexual negotiation, and ways to achieve growth, connection, and fulfillment outside a traditional monogamous relationship.

Sex workers may be people who exchange genital sex for money, but professional dominants, porn performers, erotic dancers, phone sex and webcam providers, sacred intimates, sexual surrogates, and many other erotic professionals are also considered sex workers. Do not imagine that connections between sex workers and clients are necessarily cold, impersonal, or degrading, or that only losers frequent these businesses. Many client/sex worker relationships become a source of tremendous connection, warmth, and affection for both parties and last many years.

CULTURAL DIVERSITY

While we are looking at sexual diversity, lets remember that we live in a multicultural society and that every culture in our world, every subculture, every ethnic culture, has its own ways of creating relationship, connecting in sex, and building families. All are valid and valuable.

One of the great joys of living as a slut is the opportunity to make intimate connections with people whose background is unlike your own. When you do that, you will find yourself tripping, with some embarrassment, over a lot of differences. This process can feel awkward, but every time it happens, youve learned something new about how people go about being human—perhaps just the thing that was lacking in your own culture.

Its also worth remembering that many people, particularly those whose differences are visible, feel safest in the communities they grew up in and may be taking considerable risk by coming into a less diverse sexual environment. If becoming an out-of-the-closet slut would shock your community of origin, you might wind up sacrificing the safety and acceptance of home to join a community where most people dont look like you.

Boundaries in communication, connection, and relationship vary from culture to culture. Personal distance differs enormously—they say you can recognize the European Americans at a Latin American cocktail party; theyre the ones who are backing away from everyone who wants to talk to them because the Latin Americans keep stepping too close. Volume varies too: some cultures value being subdued and quiet, while others are dramatically expressive and, well, loud.

We recommend that you look for these differences and question your judgments. Is that person who seems too loud actually able to be more expressive than you? Does that quiet person notice more? Whats the intelligence of a person who hasnt read a lot of books but understands how your car or your computer works? Who are these friendly people who make sexual propositions openly and enthusiastically and get really confused when you accuse them of coming on too strong? Maybe theyre counting on you to say no if you dont want to. Maybe they have some ways of making connection that you could learn from.

"We recommend that when you are in the company of the unfamiliar, you look for unfamiliar wisdom."

It is tragic that so many of our sexual communities fail to welcome people from the whole world of cultures, races, genders, orientations, and sexualities. Those of us who grew up in a European-descended culture too often expect our friends to deal with cultural differences by conforming to us. When you look at the people around you and dismiss them—or, worse yet, assume you know all there is to know about them—because of their skin color, gender, orientation, way of speaking, mode of dress, religion, or country of origin, youll never get to hear any of the new and fascinating things those people might have to say.

We recommend that when you are in the company of the unfamiliar, you look for unfamiliar wisdom. Youll find lots of it, and it will make you richer.

What Can You Learn?

If thinking about all this makes you kind of nervous, what you are experiencing is how threatening it feels when the customary boundaries you take for granted, and believe apply to all social and sexual situations, may no longer apply in some environs. There are no universally accepted boundaries of gender or attraction among consenting adults, and the limits of sexual exploration are not handed down on stone tablets by some higher authority.

When you look at people who meet your standards of happiness and success without buying into the worlds standards of lifetime heterosexual monogamous pair-bonding, you begin to see how such things can be possible for you, too—even if these people arent doing it the same way you want to. Recognizing other sexual cultures offers an opportunity to become aware of your own preconceptions and uncertainties.

Listen to your fears: they have a lot to teach you about yourself. Not knowing whats what can feel scary—but think of it as a chance to scrap all your preconceptions and start from scratch. Its only by recognizing all the possibilities out there that you can choose the ones that work for you. Then you can be free to figure out where you want the boundaries in your life, what your personal limits are, and whether you ever want to expand those limits. Accomplishing this amazing task will set you free to explore beyond your wildest dreams.

"Listen to your fears: they have a lot to teach you about yourself."

Black and Poly

Here are some thoughts about poly and the way it plays out in Black communities—from our friends Ron and Lisa Young, cofounders of the international support group Black & Poly (blackandpoly.org), who have graciously allowed us to use this excerpt from their upcoming book, _Love: A Black Love Revolution_.

"Many of us are not just looking for that extra someone for casual sex and occasional affection; we may see the freedom and openness of poly as key to our survival. For many people of color, though, surface-level connection is easy, yet complex bonding and romantic love is a motherfucker. Heres why.

"Imagine trying to love someone when everything around you is set up to systematically pull you apart. For Blacks, first there was slavery, then Jim Crow, then the welfare system, and now mass incarceration—we havent had time to concentrate on love. We havent had time to comfortably settle into each other. Sure, we have love, family, and community within our homes, but moving those feelings out into the world can be a very big problem.

"Weve been taught that in order to get by in this world, we need to be strong…but that doesnt work in terms of dealing with each other. Our culture has asked us to maintain strong boundaries that protect us from harm: from being broken down, taken advantage of, robbed of basic human necessities, and stripped of our dignity. This fear often leads us to reject anything that places us in vulnerable positions, redirecting our attention away from the fact that only through vulnerability can we find true strength, growth, beauty, and most of all love.

"As Blacks, we were sent here as objects. Through polyamory, we receive the unique and joyous opportunity to define ourselves. We dont want to be your Mandingo Warriors or Nubian Princesses, or just to attend your play parties. We want to be respected as equals when it comes to building something real, polyamorous, and tangible. We see the love that is abundant within the community, and sometimes we feel that love reaching out to include us.

"But theres a still a huge divide between us and the white poly communities. How will we bridge the gap?"


Input:
  1. Q: What are some ways that people try to stop others from being sexual?
A: Some people try to outlaw birth control and abortion, leading to unwanted pregnancies and back-alley abortions. Others would outlaw access to sex information, so that people cannot learn to care for their health and well-being and have no access to safer-sex training. In some places, a vaccine that helps prevent cervical cancer in women is being met with resistance from puritans who believe that inoculating a young woman against cancer somehow encourages her to have sex. People who take medications that can protect them from contracting the HIV virus are called "sluts" and "whores."
2. Q: How do some people justify violence against sluts?
A: Some people believe that being a slut makes you fair game for violence. They might demand to know why you were walking down that street at night in a short dress or tight pants, or proclaim that no wonder you got raped or assaulted. Sluts are considered fair game for other forms of oppression, too. Multiple sexual partners can be seen as a good reason to take all your property, your children, and your future income in a punitive divorce settlement. You could lose your job or your promise for advancement or your professional reputation if the wrong people find out about your personal life.
3. Q: What are some internal and external forms of oppression that sluts face?
A: Internalized oppression is when we judge ourselves by cultural values imposed from the outside. For example, when women believe they ought to be small and quiet, when gay people believe that their sexual choice is a neurosis, or when we all believe we would be better people if we were able to be monogamous. Horizontal hostility is when we apply these unfair judgments to other people who are like us, when we see our friends as too slutty or too free.
4. Q: What are some consequences of being unconventional in a sex-negative world?
A: Those of us who choose to run our lives and loves in an unconventional manner should be prepared for the fact that many parts of the world will not welcome us with open arms. For many people, sluthood is their first experience with being in the closet, and they learn firsthand what their queer friends have known for quite a while. Ex-spouses, parents, in-laws, and others who dont share your values about the potential for inclusive relationships may be hostile. Your friendly neighborhood pastor may not be sympathetic, either. Bringing both your partners to the company picnic is not necessarily a good way to ensure your continued ascent through the corporate hierarchy.
5. Q: What legal protections do sluts have?
A: You still cant legally marry more than one person at the same time. If you and your partner(s) are living in a marriage-like structure, with the expectation of sharing property, providing for one another in the event of illness or death, raising children, or running a business together, we strongly recommend official legal documentation of your status and intentions. You do not legally own your children, and the legal agreements you can make about them are limited by that fact. In some cases, a nonbiological parent can adopt a lovers children as a stepparent. Some states and municipalities are not supportive of second-parent or stepparent adoption. We encourage you to write out your plans and your agreements, especially your lifestyle choices, and have your signatures notarized. Such affidavits may not be enforceable in most states, but in the event of later disagreements, they may serve as evidence of everyones intentions on forming a family or a relationship, and they make it clear what you have signed up to do. Writing out your vision of the family you are building together is a valuable and affirming act in its own right.
6. Q: What is the legal status of sex work?
A: What would the world be like if sex work were legal? If sex work were out in the open, and sex workers could be judged like any other workers—by their skill, their respect for their clients, and how well they manage their responsibilities? Imagine if sex work were treated as a profession like therapy: a client making a contract with a provider. If the customer liked the work they received, theyd keep coming back; if not, theyd move on and try someone else. Brothels could be like clinics, new sex workers could learn from more experienced practitioners, lower-fee services could be provided

Response:
# 5

# BATTLING SEX NEGATIVITY

From the sluts point of view, the world is sometimes a dangerous place. Lots of people seem to think it is okay to go to any lengths to stop us from being sexual.

Some antisex crusaders try to make loving dangerous for women by outlawing birth control and abortion, leading to unwanted pregnancies and back-alley abortions. Others would outlaw access to sex information, in schools or on the Internet, so that our children cannot learn to care for their health and well-being and have no access to safer-sex training that would teach them how to avoid spreading diseases. In an appalling development since the previous edition of this book, a vaccine that helps prevent cervical cancer in women is being met with resistance from puritans who believe that inoculating a young woman against cancer somehow encourages her to have sex. People who take medications that can protect them from contracting the HIV virus are called "sluts" and "whores" (presumably not the good kind).

Some people believe that being a slut makes you fair game for violence, that it must somehow be the victims fault. They might demand, "Why were you walking down that street at night in a short dress or tight pants?" or proclaim, "No wonder you got raped or assaulted" or "You look so queer—no wonder that gang decided to beat you up."

We are considered fair game for other forms of oppression, too. Multiple sexual partners can be seen as a good reason to take all your property, your children, and your future income in a punitive divorce settlement. You could lose your job or your promise for advancement or your professional reputation if the wrong people find out about your personal life.

"Some people believe that being a slut makes you fair game for violence."

Judging Ourselves

We hope this examination of the dangers of sluttery will lead you to ask yourself some questions. What is my experience of oppression and how does it affect me? Who do I have to lie to in my life? What are my closets? As you look deeper, you might ask yourself, "What assumptions have I made about how my sexuality should be? Do I hold judgments about what good and nice people do that I wind up turning against myself?"

When we judge ourselves by cultural values imposed from the outside, when women believe they ought to be small and quiet, when gay people believe that their sexual choice is a neurosis, or when we all believe we would be better people if we were able to be monogamous, this is internalized oppression. When we apply these unfair judgments to other people who are like us, when we see our friends as _too_ slutty or _too_ free, this is called horizontal hostility. We suggest you look through chapter 2, "Myths and Realities," as a checklist to see where the beliefs that you learned in our sex-negative culture might be getting in your way.

Its a Harsh World Out There

Those of us who choose to run our lives and loves in an unconventional manner should probably be prepared for the fact that many parts of the world will not welcome us with open arms. For many people, sluthood is their first experience with being in the closet, and they learn firsthand what their queer friends have known for quite a while.

While there are certainly ways to protect yourself against some social, logistical, and financial consequences, we cant guarantee that there will never _be_ consequences. Its not easy being easy.

Ex-spouses, parents, in-laws, and others who dont share your values about the potential for inclusive relationships may be hostile. Your friendly neighborhood pastor may not be sympathetic, either. Bringing both your partners to the company picnic is not necessarily a good way to ensure your continued ascent through the corporate hierarchy. We recommend caution in choosing who to come out to: yes, we know youre blissfully happy and want to share your joy with the world, but remember, you cant un-tell. We know people who have lost jobs, child custody, and more because the wrong people have become aware of their sexual choices. In some places outside the United States, the consequences of unconventional sexual choices are far more dire, up to and including the death penalty.

But even here, some states and cities have laws that forbid multiple adults to live together if theyre not related by blood or marriage. In others, landlords are reluctant to rent to groups that dont conform to the traditional family structure. Some leases contain clauses that allow landlords to terminate rental agreements on the basis of "immoral behavior" or "association with undesirable people"—which in some states includes nonmarital sex.

Similarly, your personal love and sex arrangements are best kept out of the workplace: both of us have lost jobs and clients for being who we are. While some cities and states offer some protection to people who are gay, lesbian, or transgender, we are not aware of any that guarantee equal rights for sluts.

We urge those who can be out and proud to do so because its harder for the world to hate sluts when it can see lots of us living happy lives that do no harm to anyone. However, unless you are absolutely certain that your workplace and important relationships are slut-positive, we recommend caution.

Legal Agreements

> With thanks to Dylan Miles, Esq., for consulting on legal aspects, and for being available to our communities as a knowledgeable and open-minded family lawyer.

Much progress has been made in recent years in establishing and affirming the legal rights of sexual minorities, including the Supreme Courts historic decision to legalize same-sex marriage throughout all the states. Several states have made provisions for children who are growing up with more than two parents, which protects many youngsters from foster care when a person who has functioned as a parent to a child can assume custody if needed; it also allows nonbiological parents to sign up for all the rights and responsibilities of parenting. When any of our allies in thinking outside the box wins any battle in human rights, we all benefit.

You still cant legally marry more than one person at the same time. If you and your partner(s) are living in a somewhat marriage-like structure, with the expectation of sharing property, providing for one another in the event of illness or death, raising children, or running a business together, we strongly recommend official legal documentation of your status and intentions. Terrifying stories of lover kept from lover when one of them is hospitalized, a longtime partner left penniless and homeless after someones unexpected death, individuals who have been parents in all ways but blood losing an orphaned child to a partners parents or ex-spouse, and so on, should be enough to convince you that its time to get official about all this.

You do not legally own your children, and the legal agreements you can make about them are limited by that fact. You can use your will to express your desires about who will care for your children after your death, but the court may not be obliged to follow your wishes. In some cases, a nonbiological parent can adopt a lovers children as a stepparent. Some states and municipalities are not supportive of second-parent or stepparent adoption, meaning if you are a childs third parent at that childs birth, you have fewer rights than any parent from a second, third, or fifteenth marriage.

We encourage you to write out your plans and your agreements, especially your lifestyle choices, and have your signatures notarized. Such affidavits may not be enforceable in most states, but in the event of later disagreements, they may serve as evidence of everyones intentions on forming a family or a relationship, and they make it clear what you have signed up to do. Writing out your vision of the family you are building together is a valuable and affirming act in its own right.

Dont forget to make and keep current your durable powers of attorney for finances and health care and your wills. These are legal documents, and while the law will not support everything an eager slut might want to do with their money and property, your chances of having your desires upheld by the law will be greatly improved if you express them in a formal and legal manner.

We recommend checking out a publishing company called Nolo Press, which puts out carefully researched do-it-yourself legal books on aspects of family and business law, including sample forms and step-by-step instructions. However, if your agreements are particularly complicated, or if things of substantial value (such as a lot of money or a successful business) are involved, you may want to go beyond the do-it-yourself level and contact an attorney. If you have that kind of money, you probably know more about this than we do. Do try to find an attorney who is open to nontraditional relationships; you can ask that in a question or two over the telephone, so you dont have to pay good money to find out that your lawyer thinks youre the Whore of Babylon.

We have neither the space nor the expertise to tell you all the ways that people with nontraditional sexualities can go about setting up their lives—options range all the way from adopting your partner to setting up a business trust and beyond. But please, dont assume that your good intentions, heartfelt love, and general wonderfulness will protect you. Sluts dont have that luxury. Do your homework and get the law on your side.

"Dont assume that your good intentions, heartfelt love, and general wonderfulness will protect you."

The Oldest Profession

What would the world be like if sex work were legal? If sex work were out in the open, and sex workers could be judged like any other workers—by their skill, their respect for their clients, and how well they manage their responsibilities?

Imagine if sex work were treated as a profession like therapy: a client making a contract with a provider. If the customer liked the work they received, theyd keep coming back; if not, theyd move on and try someone else. Brothels could be like clinics, new sex workers could learn from more experienced practitioners, lower-fee services could be provided by interns being supervised and taught by more experienced practitioners.

If sex work were legal, a worker being exploited by a pimp or trafficker could leave, report abuses and file charges, even unionize—just like any other worker. If we stopped clogging our legal system with consenting adults engaging in professional sex, perhaps our police would have more time and resources to end legitimate sexual crimes like rape, abuse, sex slavery, and child prostitution.

If sex work were legal, sex workers would be free to require whatever levels of safer sex seem appropriate to them—sex workers are often world-class experts at ways to spend hours in sublime pleasure and still refrain from passing around harmful viruses—and to seek out testing and treatment to avoid passing on any bugs.

Legal sex work would enable partnerships, too often driven apart by the pressure of a long-term relationship where passion has ebbed, to rekindle sexual heat by seeking the services of a skilled heat-kindler. Therapists could refer clients to such practitioners for embodied explorations of their deepest dreams and oldest fears, just as they might to any other professional. Dossie has worked with clients whose spouses bought them a session with a professional dominatrix for their birthday.

Many sex professionals have worked hard to acquire skills that most of us dont even know are possible: freedom of choice about our physical responses, timing of orgasms, ease of erection, G-spot fountains, the amazing possibilities of all the muscles in the pelvic area to bring pleasure in so many ways. Sexual healers could help free us from the terrors and inhibitions learned in a sex-negative society and show us what amazing sexual geniuses we all might be. Healing shame, healing trauma, the amazingness of sex beyond violation, the power of our fantasies…so much is there for us to learn and grow. Sex can be a powerful journey into healing and general goodness, and there are professionals who can teach us how.

Some people believe that sex for money is dirty. Our sex-worker friends prove otherwise, over and over again. We pay our ministers, priests, rabbis, imams, and gurus, so why should we not pay our sex priests? Our spiritual and sexual healers and guides deserve to make a living for the valuable work they do.

Right now, some kinds of sex-for-hire are legal in the United Kingdom, the Netherlands, Germany, Australia, and New Zealand. We note that all these countries seem to be managing just fine with letting talented and devoted professionals make their living doing what they do best, for the betterment of their clients and the greater society.


Input:
1. Q: What are some challenges in building a culture of consent?
A: People around the world are gaining awareness of the enormous prevalence of sexual assault and smaller sexual aggressions. But bringing into consciousness something that we have avoided thinking about usually requires some thrashing around. When we claim our sexual freedom and start building communities wherein we can express ourselves in a sex-positive way, we immediately bump up against the truth that we are living in a society that holds some insane values about sex and consent.
2. Q: What are some statistics on sexual assault?
A: In a lecture on consent, Dossie asked those who had never been sexually assaulted to stand up. Only about a quarter stood up, mostly men, some women. There were many men as well as women among those still sitting.
3. Q: What are some conditions necessary for a sex-positive culture?
A: All our wonderful sexual freedom is dependent on two very important conditions: freedom from sexism and freedom from rape. These changes must take place at both the individual and community levels.
4. Q: What are some examples of major violations in a sex-positive culture?
A: Major violations include drugging someone and then raping them, violent rape, child molestation, and any intentional violation of another persons stated limits.
5. Q: What are some examples of minor violations in a sex-positive culture?
A: Verbal offenses—pushy come-ons, arguing with someone who has said "No, thank you," or objectifying or belittling people—may cause less harm than physical offenses but can still create an atmosphere of danger in our communities. Edging over peoples limits, or trying things that have not been explicitly agreed upon, can tear apart relationships and have a ripple effect that occasionally destroys the communities in which those relationships are grounded.
6. Q: What are some strategies that don't work in dealing with violations in a sex-positive culture?
A: Pathologizing, splitting, truth seeking, and blaming are strategies that don't work in dealing with violations in a sex-positive culture. Pathologizing refers to turning a response or reaction into a disease, as if labeling it were a sort of antibiotic. Splitting is a psychological defense in which a person tries to feel safe by presuming that the good guys are all good—so if any part of some person is not good, then that person must be all bad and needs to be permanently exiled, with no accommodation for change or growth. Truth seeking is an attempt to determine who is at fault, while blaming is an attempt to minimize one's own involvement and blame someone else.
7. Q: What are some strategies that do work in dealing with violations in a sex-positive culture?
A: Conflict resolution strategies, such as teaching emotional intelligence and restorative justice in schools, can be helpful in dealing with violations in a sex-positive culture. Students in these programs are being trained to be peer counselors and peacekeepers, to intervene in conflicts that might become violent or otherwise destructive. Resources to support change happen all over the world, and we need to adapt them to our sex-positive communities: nonviolent communication workshops, anger management classes, conflict resolution classes, self-defense classes where you can practice clarifying your "no," support groups for offenders and survivors, and more.
8. Q: What is clean love?
A: Clean love is love without jealousy, without possessiveness—love washed clean of all its clinginess and desperation. It is love without attachment, to open our hearts to someone with no expectations, loving just for the joy of it, regardless of what we might get back. Imagine seeing the beauty and virtues of a beloved and letting go of how their strengths might meet our needs or how their beauty might make us look better. Imagine seeing someone in a clean light of love—without enumerating the ways in which that person does and does not match up to the fantasy we carry around of our perfect mate or dream lover. Imagine meeting another person in the freedom and innocence of childhood and playing together without plotting how to make this person give us the kind of love we wish we could have gotten in our actual childhood.

Response:
# 6

# BUILDING A CULTURE OF CONSENT

People around the world are gaining awareness of the enormous prevalence of sexual assault and smaller sexual aggressions. But bringing into consciousness something that we have avoided thinking about usually requires some thrashing around. When we claim our sexual freedom and start building communities wherein we can express ourselves in a sex-positive way, we immediately bump up against the truth that we are living in a society that holds some insane values about sex and consent. When it is not safe, accepted, or welcomed to say, "No thank you" to sex, building a sex-positive culture can become impossible.

Dossie, giving a lecture on consent to about two hundred people, asked those who had never been sexually assaulted to stand up. Only about a quarter stood up, mostly men, some women. There were many men as well as women among those still sitting. That large number of people who remained sitting—lets admire their courage and determination to free themselves and their sexuality, even though someone hurt them.

All our wonderful sexual freedom is dependent on two very important conditions: freedom from sexism and freedom from rape. These changes must take place at both the individual and community levels. Prosecuting rape and child molestation is quite difficult, so our communities need to work for our own safety. We can seldom send offenders to jail, but we can uninvite them from our parties, and remove them from the other environments that we control, both online and in the physical world.

Major violations include drugging someone and then raping them, violent rape, child molestation, and any intentional violation of another persons stated limits. These are all very serious crimes, even if they are often hard to prosecute. Other violations require some discussion, sometimes because the accused doesnt feel that theyve done anything wrong. Verbal offenses—pushy come-ons, arguing with someone who has said "No, thank you," or objectifying or belittling people—may cause less harm than physical offenses but can still create an atmosphere of danger in our communities. Edging over peoples limits, or trying things that have not been explicitly agreed upon, can tear apart relationships and have a ripple effect that occasionally destroys the communities in which those relationships are grounded.

Much of this conflict is the consequence of our absurd cultural insistence that in sex, men should be the initiators and women the withholders. Thus, some people learn that they are supposed to be pushy and others that saying anything but no is, well, slutty. This pattern leads to "no" being heard as an invitation to push harder, with predictably disastrous results. Freeing your sexuality requires that you look at these cultural beliefs about what it means to be a person of your gender, and perhaps make some changes—unless you want to spend the rest of your life living down to your gender stereotype. How would we propose that people of all genders learn better behavior? We wish we could say that theres a handy twelve-step group around the corner for this sort of thing, or a class we could take, but at this writing, these resources are pretty rare. Some community members are stepping up to the plate to do this sort of work. Wed love to see more.

"Freeing your sexuality requires that you look at cultural beliefs about what it means to be a person of your gender."

For Trauma Survivors

Way too many people of all genders, ages, and cultures have experienced sexual trauma. Sexual assault, outright rape, child sexual abuse, sometimes even medical trauma, can leave us with major challenges to enjoying our sex lives—including flashbacks, disassociation, post-traumatic stress disorder, and just plain fearfulness.

People who have survived trauma, especially as children, have particular vulnerabilities and may feel unsafe or violated more easily than most. A trigger response may have been learned, and an individual may be responding to a relatively modest offense as if it were the terrible thing that may have happened in the past, or as if they were still the child that they were when they were abused. The fear may appear unrealistic or disproportionate to outsiders, but thats not the point—the fear itself is real, usually doesnt feel sexy at all, and may leave the person so panicky that discussion, or even hearing an apology, may be impossible at that time.

Dont give up! Your therapist author Dossie specializes in healing old wounds for trauma survivors and is happy to announce that many people find ways to deal with their history of violation, take care of themselves when painful memories show up, succeed in reclaiming ownership of their bodies, and enjoy a free and happy sexuality.

Sometimes all it takes is a little collaboration about safety, establishing clear agreements about boundaries, creating safe space, and being supportive and understanding. Survivors and partners alike need to be willing to deal with the interruption if a person needs to stop and recover from a bad memory, even if that happens in the middle of sex. We hope you will be patient with yourself if this is your situation, because being kind to yourself and your partners can become the practice that heals you.

The information about taking care of yourself around triggers that youll read in chapter 15, "Roadmaps through Jealousy," is also applicable when you decide to deal with other emotional landmines. If you have a partner who is struggling with reclaiming their sexuality from an ugly history of violence, we hope that you will choose to become an ally in that struggle and find the patience to support the work that needs to be done to claim a joyous sexuality. Check Further Reading for some good resources about healing sexual trauma.

For Those Who Have Been Accused

If youve done something that has left a partner feeling traumatized, you have a different problem. Our natural tendency when we are accused of doing something wrong is to get very defensive and really want to tell our side of the story. But if the people who used to like you well enough to have sex with you are now angry with you and clamoring for your hide, you might want to look around and see if theres anything youd like to change in your behavior.

You may have been taught that "getting laid" is about getting away with something. From that point of view, having an active sexual life may look like consumerism: how much can you acquire, with how little effort? Does that mean that your lover, or potential lover, is a commodity? Having learned this doesnt necessarily make you a problem, but acting on it certainly will.

How would you go about making changes in yourself? And later, how will you let people know that you have done some work on yourself and its now safe to welcome you back?

If you are in this situation, please remember to retain your sense of yourself as a whole person. Behavior that may have frightened or hurt another is a part of you, and you have many parts. Take a little time to reflect on your own strengths and sense of ethics. How do you want to use your strength? What can you do that is in line with your ethics?

For Everyone

Here are some strategies that we know _dont_ work:

_Pathologizing_. This refers to turning a response or reaction into a disease, as if labeling it were a sort of antibiotic. Is this person a predator, a sociopath, a victim of Stockholm syndrome, a victim of the patriarchy? (Pretty much all of us act like all of these on occasion.) Are we rape apologists if we dont immediately ostracize the offender? When we define a problem as a disease, we often act as if a diagnosis were a solution: paste on a label and then end the discussion as if weve accomplished something. But then nothing ever changes.

_Splitting_. This is a psychological defense in which a person tries to feel safe by presuming that the good guys are all good—so if any part of some person is not good, then that person must be all bad and needs to be permanently exiled, with no accommodation for change or growth. Splitting can divide whole communities, with everyone choosing up sides rather than asking what they might do to make things better.

_Truth seeking_. In many of these problems, there is one person saying "So-and-so did me wrong, hurt me, caused me pain or damage," and the other is insisting that the person who is upset with them is making it up, getting revenge, or really wanted it. So who do we believe? It is going to take courage to try and find solutions when we cant determine the absolute truth of the problem. We must understand that we are a community, not a criminal justice system, and our actions need to be about whatever we can do at this time, with the resources we have today, to make this situation a little better.

_Blaming_. Whose fault is this? Who did what to who first? Very few of us actually blame ourselves: we all have ways of rationalizing and reasons why our behavior is justifiable. But when we try to feel safe by minimizing our own involvement and blaming someone else, then we disempower ourselves. We give the "other" all the power by saying that only they can make things better. Many people, acutely uncomfortable at hearing about how a person has been violated, distance themselves by finding some reason to blame the victim: looking too sexy, drinking too much, what did you expect if you want a kind of sex thats more extreme than most? And just to make things more confusing, what feels like violation to one person might be easy for another, and a third may see it as play and delight in it.

But there are a number of conflict resolution strategies that we find helpful to draw on. A marvelous body of wisdom is emerging from efforts to teach emotional intelligence and restorative justice in some American high schools and middle schools. Students in these programs are being trained to be peer counselors and peacekeepers, to intervene in conflicts that might become violent or otherwise destructive. Many studies have measured very positive results, even in "difficult" schools, as a result of these trainings, both in reduction of fights and suspensions and in increases in the percentage of students who graduate.

Some schools now have a quiet room where kids who were causing trouble can sit at a desk to write down their answers to questions like these: "What happened?" "What was my part in it?" "What can I do to make it better?" "What can I do to make it less likely to happen again?" Perhaps when there is an issue about sexual boundaries, we can ask ourselves these same questions—"victim" and "villain" alike—and see whether that leads to a more productive dialogue.

Back in the protest era of the 1960s, we used to say, "When you dont want to be part of the problem, you need to become part of the solution." Resources to support change happen all over the world, and we need to adapt them to our sex-positive communities: nonviolent communication workshops, anger management classes, conflict resolution classes, self-defense classes where you can practice clarifying your "no," support groups for offenders and survivors, and more.

We approve of communities that offer new members information on ethics and boundaries in their community, and we also know that rules alone will never be enough. We need to be willing to enter into an ongoing process that addresses these issues and supports change and healing and growth, each of us contributing what we can and expecting to continue indefinitely in the process of navigating consent and boundaries. We do have a right to insist that people prone to bullying, limit pushing, and other problematic behaviors go learn what they need to learn—take a workshop or a class, join a group working on changing compulsive or antisocial behaviors, get a therapist, get sober—before they can earn their way back into our communities.

We cant prevent every problem, but we can create a sex-positive culture that deals proactively and constructively with the problems we face rather than sweeping them under the rug out of shame.

Clean Love

Can you imagine love without jealousy, without possessiveness—love washed clean of all its clinginess and desperation? Lets try.

We can take some thoughts from Buddhism: What would it be like to love without attachment, to open our hearts to someone with no expectations, loving just for the joy of it, regardless of what we might get back?

Imagine seeing the beauty and virtues of a beloved and letting go of how their strengths might meet our needs or how their beauty might make us look better.

Imagine seeing someone in a clean light of love—without enumerating the ways in which that person does and does not match up to the fantasy we carry around of our perfect mate or dream lover.

Imagine meeting another person in the freedom and innocence of childhood and playing together without plotting how to make this person give us the kind of love we wish we could have gotten in our actual childhood.

But…but…but. What if you open your heart to someone, and you dont like what happens next? Suppose that person gets drunk or treats your open affection with scorn? What if this person doesnt fulfill your dreams? What if this one turns out just like the last one? Suppose all those things do happen. What have you lost? A little time, a brief fantasy. Let it go, learn from it, and walk away a little wiser.

Love doesnt much take to being stuffed into forms, which is what everybodys fantasies and imaginings are: custom-built plans for a constructed individual theyve created to solve all their problems. Your authors have dream lovers, too—but people are not made of clay or stone, and it wont work well to approach them with a chisel.

How many times have you rejected the possibility of love because it didnt look the way you expected it to? Perhaps some characteristic was missing you were sure you must have, some other trait was present that you never dreamed of accepting. What happens when you throw away your expectations and open your eyes to the fabulous love that is shining right in front of you, holding out its hand?

Clean love is love without expectations.

Washing your love clean doesnt require advanced spirituality or weekly psychoanalysis. Youll probably never let go of every single attachment—at least weve never managed it. But maybe you can let go just for an instant: your history, worries, frets, and yearnings will still be there to come back to when you need them. Just for now, take a look at the wonderful person who is standing right in front of you.


Input:
1. Q: What is the first edition of this book subtitled?
A: The first edition of this book was subtitled 'A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities.'
2. Q: What is the updated perspective on the subtitle of the first edition?
A: Now that were older and a little bit wiser, the authors believe that sluthood means infinite possibilities of all kinds, not just the sexual. If you think a 'celibate slut' is a contradiction in terms, the authors have a few surprises in store for you: sluthood lives in the brain, not between the legs, and can fit comfortably and joyously into whatever consensual sexual and relationship pattern you choose.
3. Q: What is asexuality?
A: Asexuality refers to people who dont experience sexual attraction.
4. Q: What is celibacy?
A: Celibacy refers to those who feel attraction but prefer not to act on it.
5. Q: What is the authors' perspective on asexuality and celibacy?
A: The authors believe that any kind of sexual freedom must include the freedom to not have sex, without being pestered or pathologized.
6. Q: What is relationship anarchy?
A: Relationship anarchy is a lifestyle decision not to take one partner as a 'primary' and others as 'secondaries' (or any hierarchy of that kind) but instead to maintain each relationship as separate and to make as few rules as possible.
7. Q: What are the benefits of relationship anarchy?
A: Relationship anarchy generally values freedom above commitment, so its practitioners prefer to minimize agreements and other promises regarding sexual or romantic behavior. This does not mean everyone has free rein to be awful, but it does mean that rules are made to be broken.
8. Q: What is living single?
A: Living single can be a temporary condition between partners, a recommended period of healing from a recent breakup, or a chosen lifestyle for the long term.
9. Q: What are the benefits of living single?
A: Being single is a good way to get to know who you are when you are not trying to fit as the other half of somebody else; learning to enjoy living with yourself gives you a lot to share with partners when you choose to connect.
10. Q: What is monogamish?
A: Monogamish is an agreement between both halves of a couple that their bond takes precedence over any outside connections, but that the occasional brief fling is acceptable and perhaps even desirable for keeping the home fires burning.
11. Q: What are partnerships?
A: Partnerships are open relationships for the partnered, including serial monogamy and nonconsensual nonmonogamy.
12. Q: What are the benefits of partnerships?
A: Partnerships need to take care of each other and their relationship first, before they include others in their dynamic. This allows for better communication, boundary setting, and handling of jealousy, insecurity, and territoriality.
13. Q: What are hierarchies and alternatives?
A: Hierarchies in polyamory include primaries, secondaries, and tertiaries. Alternatives to hierarchies include more than two, triads, and polyfidelity.
14. Q: What are the benefits of monogamy?
A: Monogamy can offer a way to focus energy on just one partner, keep the decks cleared for other major responsibilities, commit to stretching sexual interests to meet a partner's desires, and maintain a straightforward calendar without accommodating anyone's needs beyond those of the partnership and any dependents.

Response:
# 7

# INFINITE POSSIBILITIES

The first edition of this book was subtitled "A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities." Now that were older and a little bit wiser, even that sweeping statement seems a bit limiting: sluthood means infinite possibilities of all kinds, not just the sexual. If you think a "celibate slut" is a contradiction in terms, we have a few surprises in store for you: sluthood lives in the brain, not between the legs, and can fit comfortably and joyously into whatever consensual sexual and relationship pattern you choose.

Asexuality and Celibacy

Folks who say no thanks to sex are becoming an increasingly visible minority. _Asexuality_ refers to people who dont experience sexual attraction, and _celibacy_ refers to those who feel attraction but prefer not to act on it. We think that any kind of sexual freedom must include the freedom to _not_ have sex, without being pestered or **pathologized**.

Asexuality is considered a sexual orientation. Some asexuals have sexual feelings that they may prefer to express by having sex with themselves only; others do not experience sexual feelings at all. Some are willing to share sex with a partner to give that partner pleasure; others prefer to avoid it altogether. Some enjoy nongenital forms of eroticism such as BDSM, tantra, or role-playing; others prefer to steer clear of the whole idea.

Celibacy, on the other hand, is a choice, one that may offer a way to focus on emotional, intellectual, or spiritual concerns. People for whom sex or relationships have caused problems may choose a period of celibacy as a pathway toward self-examination: "What kind of person am I when Im being me just for myself?"

Some people are celibate, but not by choice: people who are incarcerated, ill or disabled, geographically isolated, or socially unskilled may have trouble finding partners. Others are celibate simply because they do not, for whatever reason, feel like being sociable or sexual for a while, or perhaps for good.

We do not see "celibate slut" or "asexual slut" as in any way a contradiction in terms. There are infinite ways of relating to other people—romantically, intimately, domestically, and more—and if youve opened your life and heart to as many of those ways as possible, youre one of us.

Platonic Relationships, aka Friendships

One friend of ours drives us nuts by moaning, "I dont have a relationship…just all these _friends!_ " We have news for him, and for you: friendship _is_ a relationship, an important one that offers tremendous opportunities for the things we need most out of our relationships: intimacy, companionship, support in times of trouble, and more.

We are amused by sluthood-skeptics who are appalled by the idea of loving more than one person…and who nonetheless have a best friend, someone with whom they share their deepest secrets, who may in fact be as important a part of their lives as their spouse or lover. If you have a lover and a best friend who are not the same person, youre already practicing many of the skills of sluthood as you manage each of their needs for intimacy, time, and affection.

Friendly Sex

If one of those good, intimate friends becomes your lover…what then? Will it ruin the friendship? Will it lead to something more, something that threatens another part of your life? These are the concerns of many people encountering the possibilities of friendly sex for the first time.

The cultural ban on having sex with your friends is an inevitable offshoot of a societal belief that the only acceptable reason to have sex is to lead to a monogamous, marriage-like relationship. We believe, on the other hand, that friendship is an excellent reason to have sex, and that sex is an excellent way to maintain a friendship.

How do you learn to share intimacy without falling in love? We would propose that we _do_ love our friends, whether or not we have sex with them: these individuals are our family, often more permanent in our lives than marriages. With practice, we can develop an intimacy based on warmth and mutual respect, much freer than desperation, neediness, or the blind insanity of falling in love—thats why the relationships between "friends with benefits" are so immensely valuable. When we acknowledge the love and respect and appreciation that we share with lovers we would never marry, sexual friendships can become not only possible but preferred. So while youre worrying that your sexual desire could cost you your best friend, the more experienced slut could be wondering why you are the only friend theyve never fucked.

"We believe that friendship is an excellent reason to have sex, and that sex is an excellent way to maintain a friendship."

Dossie, when she was first a feminist, vowed to remain unpartnered for five years to find out who she might be when she was not trying to be somebodys "old lady." She had many wonderful relationships during those years, a rainbow of intimacies, including the sharing of childrearing and households and fixing cars and, of course, lots of lovely sex and affection. She decided that if she made sure to be affectionate, to let people know what she loved about them, that most would find a way to be comfortable with her, and it worked. Her quest helped her discover new ways of being in the world as a woman and as a sexual human being—the foundation of who she is and what she teaches today.

Similarly, some people limit their intimacy to one or two people in their lives, and it can feel risky to expand your sense of intimate connection with more people. Nothing increases intimacy better than shared vulnerabilities, and sometimes that can feel scary. But when you take the risk of sharing a scary feeling, you actually deepen your connection and often get responses in kind, like "I feel scared, too!" or "I can understand that; please tell me more." There is no reason why any relationship in our lives cant be blessed with intimacy.

Each relationship seeks its own level, or will if you let it. Like water, you and whatever person has caught your fancy can flow together as long as you let it happen in the way that is fitting to you both.

Relationship Anarchy

One of the newer terms in the poly lexicon, **relationship anarchy** , refers to a lifestyle decision not to take one partner as a "primary" and others as "secondaries" (or any hierarchy of that kind) but instead to maintain each relationship as separate and to make as few rules as possible.

Anarchists seek to avoid hierarchies in all areas of life, an idealistic goal that can be more complicated than it sounds. We benefit from questioning boundaries and structures that our society may take for granted, so anarchists are a rich source of exploring "outside the box" and looking at what life and love might be like when we avoid imposing structure on it.

Relationship anarchy generally values freedom above commitment, so its practitioners prefer to minimize agreements and other promises regarding sexual or romantic behavior. This does not, of course, mean everyone has free rein to be awful—even the wildest anarchist might need some basic understanding regarding safer sex, the absence of physical or emotional abuse, and so on, to feel safe enough to engage with any given partner. And relationship anarchists still need to hone their skills at intimacy, connection, and expressing affection. But if youre the kind of person who chafes under authority and feels rules are made to be broken, you might find a good fit as a relationship anarchist.

Living Single

For some sluts, being single may be a temporary condition between partners, a recommended period of healing from a recent breakup, or a chosen lifestyle for the long term. Being single is a good way to get to know who you are when you are not trying to fit as the other half of somebody else; learning to enjoy living with yourself gives you a lot to share with partners when you choose to connect. Single sluthood has its own joys and challenges, which is why were going to deal with it at much greater length later in this book.

"Being single is a good way to get to know who you are when you are not trying to fit as the other half of somebody else."

In monogamy-centrist culture, singles too often journey in the Land of One-Night Stands, in which you go home with a pickup and share some hot sex, and then, the next morning, you look at each other and decide whether the relationship has life-partner potential. If not, you leave, with much embarrassment, and the unspoken rule is that you will never be comfortable with that weighed-in-the-balance-and-found-wanting person again. Sex as audition happens because most people have no script for sexual intimacy in the mid-range between complete stranger and total commitment.

Single sluts, though, can play the field in a variety of ways. One distinguishing dimension is how separate you keep your lovers. So one form of sluttery for the single involves multiple partners who have no interaction, indeed, no information, about each other; this avoids complications at the cost of limiting certain kinds of intimacy, such as opportunities for mutual support and the development of community.

Or you may choose to introduce your lovers to each other, perhaps over Sunday brunch. This may sound wild or impossible or like a script for disaster, but dont knock it if you havent tried it. Your lovers have a lot in common—you, for example—and they may very well like each other.

If you are a single person in any open sexual lifestyle, you must pay attention to how you are getting your sexual, emotional, and social needs met. You can do this in an infinite variety of ways. The important thing is to be _aware_ of your needs and wants so you can go about getting them met with full consciousness. If you pretend that you have no needs for sex, affection, or emotional support, you are lying to yourself, and you will wind up trying to get your needs met by indirect methods that wont work very well. People who do this often get called _manipulative_ or _passive-aggressive_ —terms, in our opinion, for people who have not figured out how to get their needs met in a straightforward manner.

When you figure out what you want and ask for it, youll be surprised how often the answer is yes. Think how relieved you might feel when someone asks you for support or a hug or otherwise lets you know how to please them. Think of how competent and just plain good you feel when you can truly help another person, whether its by offering a shoulder to cry on or that just-right stimulation that leads to the perfect orgasm. Give your friends the opportunity to feel good by fulfilling you, too.

"Monogamish"

Coined by the sex columnist Dan Savage in 2011, the term **monogamish** has caught on with a rapidity that makes us think perhaps such a word has been needed for a long time.

Monogamish is an agreement between both halves of a couple that their bond takes precedence over any outside connections, but that the occasional brief fling is acceptable and perhaps even desirable for keeping the home fires burning. Many monogamish couples take mutually agreed upon third parties into their beds from time to time or agree together on an "anything goes" night for one-time fun. Weve heard of more than a few monogamous couples who playfully make "one time" exceptions for a celebrity crush: "Okay, if you can get Dan Savage into bed with you, you go right ahead"—which we guess could be fantasy monogamishness.

For the many couples who are titillated by the thought of an occasional outside dalliance but not ready to make the full jump into polyamory, a monogamish agreement is the toe you can dip in the water to test the temperature.

Partnerships

There are multiple forms of open relationship for the partnered, including serial monogamy, in which ones various partners are separated in time, and the ever-popular nonconsensual nonmonogamy, otherwise known as cheating. We can think of these lifestyles as unconscious free love, but your authors feel both freer and safer when we love right out in the open.

It is axiomatic that open relationships work best when a couple or established group takes care of each other and their relationship first, before they include others in their dynamic. So the slut partnership needs to be willing to do the work we will describe later in this book to communicate well and to handle jealousy, insecurity, and territoriality with the highest consciousness. People in such partnerships need to know and communicate their boundaries, to make and keep agreements, and to respect both each others boundaries and the boundaries theyve set for their relationships. Couples and groups also need to make sure to nourish their own connection to keep it happy, healthy, and fulfilling.

Partnerships can have a secondary relationship outside of the primary or a number of lovers that dont get ranked in any hierarchy. Relationships vary in how close or distant they are emotionally and physically and in how much contact is involved. Some may be short term, while others may last for years or even a lifetime; some may involve getting together twice a week, others twice a year.

People new to polyamory tend to spend a lot of energy defining their boundaries. They usually focus more at first on what they _dont_ want their partner to do—the activities that make them feel, for some reason, unsafe or downright terrified—than on their actual desires. Setting these limits is, for many people, a necessary first step into the disorienting world of sluthood. However, as partnerships become more sophisticated at operating the boundaries of their relationship, they tend to focus more on what they _would_ enjoy and then strategize about how they can make it safe. How to create and follow this learning curve will be covered in more detail in chapter 18, "Opening an Existing Relationship."

One woman of our acquaintance has a lifelong lifestyle of having two primary partners, one man and one woman, with her other partners and her primaries other partners forming a huge network. Her relationships historically have lasted many years, through raising children and grandchildren, and her exes are still active members of her extended family.

In some open relationships, each partner seeks out other partners pretty much separately, often making agreements about who gets to cruise which club when, or taking care to avoid running into each other on the Internet or in personal ads. They may talk about their adventures with each other and occasionally introduce play partners to their live-in lovers.

Others seek out a close match with another couple so they can play, either as a foursome or by switching partners, with people they have met and chosen together. Many polyamorous couples make a fine lifestyle out of seeking relationships with couples who are most like them, who share their values and boundaries. Such pairings of pairs can become lifelong attachments and generate both hot sex and true family interconnectedness.

And others allow their relationships to settle where they do and to change over time. Sometimes we have reconnected with an old lover after quite a few years and found a fit like an old glove.

Hierarchies and Alternatives

Many polyfolk like to use a hierarchical terminology to define their relationships: the people they live with in a marriage-like arrangement are _primaries_ , the people they love but dont live with are _secondaries_ , the people they enjoy spending (often sexual) time with, perhaps not as often or with less commitment, are _tertiaries_. Other language used for couplings are _life partner_ and the rather sweet _nesting partner_.

While this terminology is pervasive, and sometimes useful as a shorthand, we have some concerns about a system that inherently ranks the importance of the people in our lives. Janet says, "E is my life partner and Dossie is my coauthor. If Im buying a house, Es the most important; if Im writing a book, Dossie is. Each of them has their own place in my life—why do I have to rank them?"

More Than Two

People can make commitments to each other in numbers greater than two. The level of commitment may vary, as when an existing couple makes a commitment to a third partner or even a fourth. Relationships that add, and inevitably also subtract, members over time tend to form very complex structures, with new configurations of family roles that they generally invent by trial and error. Individuals in groups that come together as a threesome or foursome may find their roles within the family developing, growing, and changing over time: the person who feels like the "mother" of the group this year might well transition to "kid" or "dad" over time or with each different partner.

Triads allow three partners, in any combination of genders, to form a family unit. Some people grow into triadic or quadratic families as they attain deepening involvement with one or more members who started as outside lovers. Others actively seek members for group marriages to fulfill their ideal of the kind of family they want to live in. We have heard of people who identify as "trisexual" because they are so strongly attuned to the idea of living and loving as part of a threesome.

"Transcend competitiveness: theres enough of everything for everybody."

Balancing triads can be challenging: in any ménage à trois there are actually three couples, A & B, B & C, and C & A, and each of these relationships will be different. In a triad, as with the siblings of a family, all the relationships will not be at the same level at the same time; weve heard of lengthy arguments over which member of a triad should ride in the back seat of the car. In all forms of ethical sluthood, but perhaps especially in triads, it is vital to find ways to transcend competitiveness: theres enough of everything for everybody.

Public Sex

Sluts in any kind of relationship may enjoy group sex. Environments for orgies, party houses, sex clubs, swing houses, bathhouses, and glory holes are available in many major cities in a variety of forms and for nearly all sexual preferences. We will tell you all about them in chapter 24. A group sex environment may constitute a safe field of exploration for a monogamish couple. They can attend parties together or separately, cruise singly or as a twosome, meet each others friends, and play with a variety of people, all the while maintaining whatever connection with each other they feel good about. In this way, sex outside the primary relationship is defined by the specific environment in which it happens.

Group sex environments often develop their own families, people who participate regularly and get to know each other and may share other activities, like giant Thanksgiving dinners. The film _Shortbus_ portrays the varied and fascinating individuals who form a chosen family through their friendly neighborhood sex club.

Chosen Family

_Circle_ is a word we use for a set of connections among a group of people that actually might look more like a constellation, with some people near the hub and connected to several others and others near the outside and connected to only one or two and, perhaps, part of another constellation as well. These constellations may be casual or may become extended families, with provisions for raising children, making a living, taking care of the sick or aging, and purchasing property.

Dr. James Ramey, in his wonderful book _Intimate Friendships_ , documented his observations that nonmonogamy could facilitate the formation of what he described as kinship networks, communities bound together by the intimacies of their sexual connections, perhaps serving the same functions as villages did in a smaller world. Some of us have taken to referring to our groupings as _tribes_.

Circles of sexual friends are common—some people call these friends "fuck buddies." Such circles may be open and welcome new members, typically brought in by other members. When you are part of such a circle, new lovers of any member are potential friends and family members of your own, so the focus changes from competition and exclusivity to a sense of inclusion and welcome, often very warm indeed.

Other circles are closed, with new members welcome only by agreement with existing members. Closed circles are sometimes set up as a strategy for safety from HIV infection and other sexually transmitted conditions and also to deal with alienation in an overpopulated world. In a closed circle, the notion is that you can play with anyone in the circle (all of whom have made agreements about safer sex and are all perhaps of known STI status), but you dont have sex with anyone outside the group. Thus you get to play around with a variety of relationships and still stay in a limited field. Such lifestyles are sometimes known as **polyfidelity**.

These are just a few of the ways in which sluts have chosen to organize their lives and loves. You get to choose one or several or invent one of your own. We think that relationship structures should be designed to fit the people in them rather than people chosen to fit some abstract ideal of the perfect relationship. Theres no right or wrong way to do this as long as everyones having fun and getting their needs met.

In Praise of Monogamy

Although monogamy isnt the choice of either of your authors, we nevertheless applaud it as one of the infinite possibilities available to the thoughtful slut—one that offers a different set of risks and rewards than other relationships but an excellent choice for many, either temporarily or permanently.

A friend of ours (born only a few years before the initial publication of this book, who first read it when she was scandalously young) recently said, "I was talking to a friend of mine whos monogamous, and it seemed like some odd sort of BDSM contract: an agreement to share their sexuality only with one person. Not _wrong_ , of course, not if both people agree to it. Just…weird."

And we think that if you cant understand why anyone would choose monogamy, you could think of it as a contract, just like the one a dominant/ submissive couple might sign to solidify their agreements with one another, as valid as any other consensual and well-informed relationship choice.

What are the advantages of monogamy? We think they might include:

• A way to focus your energy on just one partner instead of spreading it over several

• A way to keep the decks cleared for other major responsibilities (a new baby, graduate school, a demanding career…)

• A commitment to stretch your sexual interests to meet your partners desires rather than sending those desires outside the relationship—or the reverse, to make a willing sacrifice of some personal desires toward the well-being of the relationship

• The simplicity of maintaining a straightforward calendar and not having to accommodate anyones needs beyond yours, your partners, and those of any dependents you might care for

And of course, theres no law saying that once you choose monogamy (or, for that matter, any other relationship style), you must stick to it forever and ever. Janet thinks that in a world where all relationship choices were available without judgment or social sanction, many people might choose a pattern of relationship styles that corresponded to their life changes: sluttery during early adulthood, monogamy during the frantic years of career building and childrearing, then some sort of polyamory (either within the original couple or as a single person, post-breakup) during middle age, and at last a gentle and loving wind down into affectionate celibacy. Although we have heard of some remarkably slutty retirement communities.

The only objection we have to monogamy is not to the practice itself but to the widespread belief that its your only moral choice. By this point in the book, we hope youve figured out that it is only one of myriad choices and that you get to decide for yourself (with input from your partners) what relationship style will work best for you.

If you think it over carefully and decide you want monogamy, youll still need most if not all of the skills youre learning about in this book: jealousy, time management issues, the natural ebb and flow of desire, and all the rest of it happen to monogamists, too. So please read on.