Input: Write a section for a sex guide discussing the practice of BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism). Define each term and provide examples of activities that fall under each category. Also, discuss the role of pain in BDSM and how it can be pleasurable. Include information on the importance of safe, sane, and consensual practices in BDSM, and provide tips on how to make BDSM play safe and sane. Finally, discuss the concept of negotiation in BDSM and provide tips on how to negotiate with a partner before engaging in BDSM activities.

Response:
###### 9

## BEYOND WHIPS AND CHAINS

### _Exploring BDSM_

Have you ever imagined being tied up by your lover? Does the thought of being forced to do something turn you on? Would spanking your boyfriend arouse you? Do you like the idea of surrendering control to someone dominant? Perhaps in your fantasies, you are slowly dripping hot wax on your girlfriends breasts. Or you are blindfolding your husband and teasing him. Maybe you want your nipples pinched harder and for longer than most people. Or the sensation of being whipped makes you feel high. If any of these activities sound exciting or inspiring, then welcome to the wonderful world of BDSM.

#### Definitions

BDSM is an umbrella term that encompasses a range of activities, including one or more of the following: physical dominance and submission, psychological dominance and submission, bondage, and pain. BDSM always involves an exchange of power between two people that is erotic to both of them, although not necessarily specifically sexual. BDSM is an intimate journey that people take together, a journey that allows them to explore the boundaries of pain and pleasure, the limits of their own minds and bodies, and even altered states of consciousness. What does BDSM stand for? Its a clever combination of three distinct but related terms: B&D, D&S, and S/M. Bondage and discipline ("B&D") is just what it sounds like—restraining someone in a variety of different ways, and punishing them or keeping them in line, either physically or verbally (or both). If tying someone up appeals to you, then youre into bondage. Ever get the urge to play a strict governess, an exacting teacher, or a cruel drill sergeant? Then you like discipline. Put em together, and youre doing B&D.

Dominance and submission ("D&S") is a dynamic in which one person is dominant and the other is submissive. The focus of D&S is on the way partners relate to one another; the dominant is clearly in control, and the submissive gives in to his or her wishes. Of course, D&S may be combined with B&D or S/M, but it doesnt have to be. Submissives give themselves completely over to their dominants; a submissive serves and pleases a dominant, whose needs and wishes come first. If youre bossy, like to make the rules and run the show, then youve got the makings of a dominant; on the other hand, if youre a pleaser, like to follow someone elses lead, or get pleasure from doing things for other people, there just might be a submissive hiding inside you. Master-and-slave play is a typical example of a D&S relationship.

Sadism and masochism, or sadomasochism (S/M), is the exploration of sensations that flirt with the boundary between pleasure and pain. Sadists enjoy inflicting pain, discomfort, punishment, or cruelty upon others, and masochists enjoy being on the receiving end. Examples of sadomasochistic activities include: flogging, caning, sensory deprivation, nipple clamps, and hot wax, which may be combined with different types of psychological play.

People who are unfamiliar with S/M often cannot understand how pain can be erotic, pleasurable, and even desirable. We usually associate pain with physical discomfort and suffering. Sex is supposed to be about feeling good, and what feels good about pain? Well, in actuality, pain can be extremely pleasurable for some people. For one thing, there is a very fine distinction between pleasure and pain, and many people like to explore sensations that test that line, as well as their endurance, strength, and resilience. Also, when the body experiences pain, it releases endorphins and other chemicals that attempt to inhibit the pain; these hormones may cause you to feel aroused, euphoric, or high. S/M play may also have an intense emotional component, in which someone has the opportunity to test boundaries and explore fantasies and even fears. Role-playing can be a chance to investigate erotically charged power dynamics. Some S/M practitioners describe their experiences as deeply spiritual. When they play, they can achieve different states of consciousness as well as connect with their own bodies and their lovers.

BDSM experiences are outside the "norm" of sexual practices, but that doesnt mean that BDSM is not normal—there is a difference. Cultural and societal norms shift and change, and BDSM practices are more accepted by mainstream institutions than ever before. Psychiatry took S/M off its list of mental disorders back in the eighties, and a recent _Psychology Today_ article touted: "Such desires are increasingly being considered normal, even healthy, as experts begin to recognize their potential psychological value. . . . S&M, they are beginning to understand, offers a release of sexual and emotional energy that some people cannot get from traditional sex."22 I have learned from working at a sex-toy store and teaching workshops that a large percentage of the general public has experimented at least once with some form of BDSM, whether its being tied up, delivering a spanking, or slipping a blindfold on a lover.

People often describe BDSM with the term "play," as in, "Id love to play with her" or "We played together at the conference in Baltimore." Sometimes play can be light and fun, but dont let the word fool you: play can also be complex, serious, and very profound. I use the term "play" simply to describe doing BDSM. While we are on the subject of terminology, a "scene" is when two people come together to do BDSM play.

#### Are You a Top, a Bottom, or a Switch?

BDSM begins when you decide which role youd like to embody for a specific scene. Basically, you need to ask yourself this question: do you want to be dishing it out or taking it? If you want to be dishing it out, then youre a top, and if you want to take it, youre a bottom. If you think you might like to do both, then you may be a switch.

There are lots of different kinds of tops. In general, tops like to be in charge, run the show, and do things to someone else (namely the bottom). A top is usually the aggressor and initiator, and definitely takes a more active role than the bottom. In B&D, tops are the ones who administer discipline and punishment. In D&S, the top is the dominant, and in S/M, the top is the sadist or has a sadistic streak. If you relate and connect to these characteristics, enjoy being in control and having power, become aroused at the idea of inflicting pain or discomfort, or revel in the thought of someone serving your needs and desires, then you very well may be a top.

What makes a good top? Almost nothing can match years of experience at negotiating and creating scenes and practicing BDSM skills. A top who is exceptionally talented at a particular activity is wonderful, and someone who genuinely enjoys doing what he or she is doing is even better. Some of the most sought-after tops in the BDSM scene are not the most attractive, well dressed, or flashy. They are caring, sensitive, intuitive people; they have a gift for assessing a bottoms needs and meeting them, figuring out a bottoms boundaries and buttons and then pushing them. I also appreciate a creative top, one who can challenge me, catch me off guard, maybe even scare me when it is appropriate. What qualifies as a good top also really depends on the bottom: some want a very strict top, where others appreciate someone who wont be a hard-ass all the time. Some people want a very dominant top who overpowers and commands them, while others are satisfied with someone willing to simply take the lead. There are also plenty of people who appreciate a top who has a flair for the dramatic. I can always spot a theater major at the dungeon: shes usually got a good sense of pacing, a quick tongue, and a well-planned erotic drama. No matter what their style or specific skills, when someone obviously derives pleasure from being a top, their enjoyment can be infectious.

Like tops, bottoms can be a diverse and unique bunch of people. Many bottoms enjoy having things done _to_ them, whether that means being tied up, being beaten, or being dominated. Some bottoms are passive, and others are not. Bottoms like to be the object of the tops affection, desire, and, perhaps, cruelty or discipline. They prefer to give up control, surrender to another person, follow someone elses orders. Some bottoms are submissive, others are masochistic, and many are a wonderful combination of both. If you crave attention, discipline, or pain or have the desire to serve someone else, youve got the makings of a bottom.

First and foremost, in order to be a good bottom, you need to know what you want and be able to express your desires to your partner. Bottoms who know their bodies and their physical and emotional needs and limits are appreciated by tops; this knowledge comes with experience. The more BDSM play you do, the better you are at figuring out what you like and what you dont. When a bottom can go the distance—take an intense flogging, give perfect service, push herself to go beyond one of her limits—a top is in heaven. What makes a good bottom can be quite subjective, depending on individual tastes: some people want a bottom to be passive, submissive, and unquestioning, bowing to authority completely. Others appreciate a masochist who gets off on pain or a bottom who is very service-oriented, deriving pleasure simply from doing things for a top. Everyone appreciates a responsive bottom—its no fun to do something to someone who doesnt react at all!

Perhaps all this talk of giving and taking has you thinking that youd actually like to do both. Well, then, you are a switch. Contrary to some popular thinking, switches are not just wishy-washy folks who cant make up their minds. Switches are people who like to see things from both sides and take different positions depending on the particular situation. You may start out wanting to experience different aspects of BDSM from both ends, doling it out and taking it, then find you come to see you really do fit into one or the other. But dont feel like you have to choose right away or identify yourself to the world at large. Focus on what you want rather than what label applies to you.

The important thing to remember is that these roles do not need to be set in stone. You are absolutely free to change your mind or change your position depending on your mood, the person youre with, or what youd like to get from a BDSM experience. You can be a spanking top, a bondage bottom, and a sensory-deprivation switch. But before you do anything, you need to negotiate with your partner and learn how to make a BDSM scene safe, sane, and consensual.

#### Negotiation

Because BDSM encompasses so many different practices, people who do BDSM like to talk with their partners first about their likes and dislikes. This is one of the very best things that BDSM has taught me: how to determine what you want, clearly tell someone, and then get that person to do it to you! I am a big fan of being very direct, as I hope you know by now. A good way to begin negotiating with your partner is to write three lists for each other. I apologize in advance if this sounds way too Martha Stewart organized, but were playing with some rough stuff here, and its all about boundaries. What are your boundaries and what are your partners? Make a "Yes List" of things youd like to do. Write a "No List" of activities you absolutely dont want to do. Create a "Maybe List" and include anything you may consider doing under the right circumstances. There may also be details or limits within these lists. For example: yes to flogging—but only light to medium. Or: no to cutting—you can tease or threaten me with knives, just dont actually use them on me! Later in this chapter, I will discuss various BDSM practices to give you some ideas about what to put on your lists.

In addition to BDSM activities, you need to determine whether you also want to incorporate sexual play into your scene. Plenty of people who do BDSM get off on it without ever having their genitals touched or engaging in sex. So, you may want to decide that you want to do BDSM without any sex at all. Or, you may say "yes" to sex, with some rules, like, "If youre going to tie me up, I will feel especially vulnerable, so no anal penetration please."

One of the tenets of BDSM that practitioners are very serious about is the concept that all BDSM play should be "safe, sane, and consensual." Safe: everyone involved in the BDSM exchange must be safe from physical harm, including the transmission of disease. Sane: partners should communicate with each other, be emotionally stable, and respect each others physical and emotional boundaries. Consensual: each person must give his or her consent to what happens. Here are some more tips about how to go about making BDSM play safe, sane, and consensual for you.

Here are some activities . . .

#### Making BDSM Play Safe

In order to insure the physical and emotional safety of your partner, its important to know as much as you can about him or her. A persons medical history must be taken into consideration before you decide what kinds of things you are going to do together. For example, does your partner have a heart condition, high blood pressure, hypoglycemia, asthma, allergies, or a history of fainting? Is she taking any medication that may affect her physical or emotional state? Are there areas of his body that were previously injured and should be avoided? Does she have sensitive spots with which you need to take extra care? This is all good information to have before you start swinging a whip someones way or doing anything else, really. If you are going to add sex to the mix, you also want to set down some guidelines for safer sex practices.

When it comes to most BDSM practices, you cannot simply pick up a candle and start dripping. First, you need to learn how to do whatever it is you want correctly and safely, then you need to practice—preferably on an inanimate object rather than your bottom—before actually doing it. So, how do you learn how to do BDSM? There are dozens of books on the subject, both general overviews (like _SM 101_ and _Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns_ ) and books with very specific topics (like _The Erotic Bondage Handbook_ and _The Compleat Spanker_ ). There are also a few videos, including Frank and Ona Zees introductory series called _Learning the Ropes._ Find out if there is a local BDSM support group or organization in your community where you can meet other kinky people. You may want to go to a play party or a local S/M club, where you can see people engaged in BDSM. If you see something youd like to know more about, dont interrupt anyones scene, but wait until they are finished and politely ask some questions. Attending BDSM workshops and demonstrations is another great way to learn safe techniques from skilled and experienced BDSM practitioners. I will also offer tips on a select group of practices later in this chapter.

Once you have studied up and practiced, the first time that you try something out, start small. Do not try to do too much too soon: a well-executed spanking is much more appreciated than an overly ambitious scene of a sloppy caning, a rushed paddling, and a scattered flogging. Go slow. Use your common sense and trust your instincts. Listen to the verbal and nonverbal cues of your bottom. Take your time.

#### Keeping BDSM Play Sane

Because BDSM can be very intense, its important that both partners come to it with, well, clear heads. If you are feeling particularly unstable, stressed out, or vulnerable for any reason, its probably best to postpone your scene until you feel emotionally ready. In addition to discussing physical safety, you want to make sure that you and your partner are emotionally safe. Ask if there any particular words, actions, or scenarios that may trigger someone in a negative way; for example, I know a woman who suffered physical abuse as a child. As an adult, she likes to be spanked with a variety of implements _except_ wooden spoons. Many men do not want to be forced into a feminine role or made to cross-dress. For some people, yelling cannot be part of a discipline scene. The idea is for both people to approach each other with respect and responsibility. Realize that setting these limits and discussing them beforehand still may not prevent someone from having an emotional response during a scene: be prepared so that if something comes up, you will be there to support your partner.

Since we are talking about keeping your scene sane, you may also want to consider how you feel about alcohol and drugs combined with BDSM. I never use drugs or alcohol if I am going to do a scene with someone, and I ask that my partners refrain from them as well. Drugs and alcohol impair your judgment and your communication skills, lessen your inhibitions, and decrease your ability to execute physical tasks skillfully. If you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, you may be more inclined to cross a boundary that you wouldnt if you were sober. Your senses are also impaired, and your pain tolerance will be off kilter. You could hurt someone or yourself. For all these reasons, they just arent a good match for safe and sane BDSM.

#### Consensual BDSM

Sharing your lists of likes and dislikes and talking to each other before you play helps both people give their consent to the activities you are going to embark on together. As you review your lists, ask your partner to elaborate about a specific activity and what they like or dont like about it. This can give you great insight into their desires and overall approach to the scene. Before you begin, you should also negotiate with your bottom about marking his or her body, since many BDSM activities, like a light caning or a heavy flogging, can leave marks on the skin.

You should also both agree to use a safeword during a scene. A safeword is a word—usually one that you wouldnt normally utter during a scene—that you and your partner choose. Your safeword is your safety net. If you dont like something thats happening or you want the scene to stop right away, use your safeword. So, why dont you just say "Stop"? Well, in some cases, part of the turn-on for people is to be made to do something "against their will." So, saying "stop" or "no" or "please dont" is part of the dialogue of the scene. A safeword shouldnt be one of these words or phrases, it should be something altogether different.

Safewords are one way to help insure that everyone feels secure in the scene. Sometimes, it can be quite challenging to communicate with your partner during a scene, especially if you are role-playing and taking your top or bottom status very seriously. In those cases, things you might normally say to each other during sex—"How does that feel, honey? Am I hurting you?" or "Go slower, I dont like it so fast; okay, Im ready for more now"—might not work in a BDSM context. That kind of banter could throw off the dynamic completely. Thats why communication and negotiation prior to the scene is so crucial. As a top, you need to be creative in communicating with your bottom. Find interesting ways to let the bottom have his or her say, while still maintaining the notion that you are the one in control. One way to do this is to tell the bottom that she or he needs to ask (or maybe beg) for the next cane stroke, another hit from the paddle, or whatever it is you are doing. That way, when the bottom asks, you know he or she is ready for it—it also adds to the erotic dynamic between you. If you arent sure if you are pacing something correctly, you may want to ask the bottom; you can keep questions simple without breaking out of your roles.

After your scene is over, its a good idea to have an informal debriefing session, just to check in with your partner and see how the scene was for him or her. Doing BDSM with someone can be extremely intense. People can have different reactions to it and might need to talk afterward. You should be ready to listen and reassure. The processing of a scene may last for several days or into the next week, so be prepared for that.

#### Creating a Scene

Think of a BDSM scene as your own private drama, in which you and your partner are the writers, directors, producers, and stars. The elements of a good scene are similar to those of a piece of theater: you need interesting characters, smart dialogue, a strong setting, cool costumes and props, and a plot (or at least a theme or chain of events). Many people often approach a BDSM scene as a ritual in which each moment is symbolic of the connection two partners create.

Ideally, you will be able to explore BDSM in the comfort and privacy of your own home, but that may not be feasible. Do you live in an apartment building with very thin walls? Do you have roommates who may be freaked out if they hear you playing? Do you have children who will be within earshot? If you think you might make some out-of-the-ordinary noises, like skin being smacked, beating sounds, or lots of moaning and shouting, that may affect where your scenes take place. If you cannot play where you live, you have several options. Perhaps you can ask another kinky friend to use his or her place. You could go to a local hotel and request a room with the most privacy (tell them youre going to rehearse a performance art piece and dont want to disturb other guests). If you would enjoy playing in public, perhaps you can attend an S/M club or a play party. For special occasions, local dungeons (where clients have sessions with professional dominatrices) often rent rooms by the hour.

Wherever you choose to play, it is important to create a space that is both safe and functional for your scene. If youre in your own home, it may be nice to do away with the distractions of everyday life: turn the phones ringer off, change the lighting, cover the computer. Sometimes it is easier for people to slip into their role if their space doesnt remind them of their job, family, and day-to-day stresses. Make sure you have everything you need at hand—sex toys, condoms, lube, safer sex supplies, that perfect CD in the stereo. Nothing kills a mood like running out of the room and rummaging around for something.

If you decide you are a top or youre going to be one for the evening, you have taken on the planning role of the scene: you need to figure out what youre going to do and how youre gonna do it. You should decide what specific role youd like to play—the dominant, the sadist, the disciplinarian, a combination of several, or another role altogether. What would you like to be called—Mistress, Master, Sir, Maam, Miss, Goddess, something else? Who shall your bottom be—slave, boy, girl?

Your chosen characters will, of course, depend on your chosen scene, what it revolves around, what its theme is. Will it be the Mistress and her slave, the King and his servant, the Governess and a naughty boy? Will there be an after-school detention with spanking by ruler or a fraternity hazing scene with blindfolds and paddling? Will it be simply top and bottom in a prolonged caning scene or two switches coating each other with hot wax?

Planning is wonderful, but as the scene goes on, make sure that you are flexible. Even if you mapped out the perfect sequence of spanking, bondage, and hot wax, be able to go with the flow if you sense that something isnt working or both of you want to go in a different direction. Dont be afraid to change the plot midway through a scene; in most cases, the bottom will never know the difference because she or he will be having such a great time. Especially when you are starting out, dont set your expectations too high; remember you are still figuring things out and there are sure to be a few bumps along the way. When the scene is over, most people need some care afterward, such as some cuddling, support, gentle stroking, and reassurance; no matter what you do, its important to be fully present for each other, since you both just underwent an intense experience together.

#### So . . . Lets Play!

There are literally dozens of practices which fall under the heading of BDSM, too many to name in just one chapter. Plus, a detailed description and discussion of each practice is impossible to do in only one chapter. In reality, you need an entire book to do justice to the depth and breadth of BDSM. Here, I offer you a sampling of some of the most popular BDSM practices. These activities are pleasurable on their own, and can of course be combined within one scene. I want to emphasize that these are some of the basics—think S/M 101. There are plenty of other crazy things for you to do, but lets start simple, shall we?

#### Bondage

Bondage is the physical restraint of someones body (or a part of his or her body) by a variety of different means. When people are in bondage, they often feel physically vulnerable to the person who tied them up. Putting someone into bondage automatically gives you the upper hand, since a bottom will likely feel at the mercy of the top. Bondage is a wonderful way to give up control, and for some bottoms, its a perfect way to get into a submissive role. All of these feelings can be highly erotic to people who enjoy bondage. Bondage tops take pleasure in restraining their bottoms, overpowering them, even "trapping" them. If you have ever held your partners wrists down to the bed, you are practicing a basic form of bondage.

You dont necessarily have to invest in elaborate equipment to put someone in bondage. You can use common items you have around the house to tie a bottoms wrists or ankles together, including scarves, neckties, belts, robe ties, very thick ribbon, nylon, or even a dog leash (not the chain variety). However—and this may come as bad news to you—if youve got those ubiquitous metal handcuffs, you need to retire them. Though they are sold as adult novelties and are seen in bedrooms all over the country, they really are not safe to use to restrain someone. Most handcuffs do not have a working safety latch to keep them from closing too tightly around the wrist; they can restrict circulation, cut into wrists, and do serious damage to someone. Keep the handcuffs around as props, but dont actually use them! Similarly, beginners should avoid using tape of any kind as well as restraints made of metal or wire; they are not safe if you dont have experience with them.

If you want to spend some money to tie up your lover, you can purchase a whole range of wrist and ankle restraints at leather, S/M, and sex-toy stores (see illustration 9). Made of nylon, leather, or rubber, many restraints are lined with a soft material to make them more comfortable. Restraints are an easy way to put someone in bondage, since you simply slip them around the wrists and ankles, then attach them together (with a panic snap or clip, sold with restraints or at any hardware store). Once the ankles or wrists are joined together, you can also attach the restraints to bed posts, a futon frame, a chair, or some other sturdy piece of furniture.

If youd like to use rope for bondage, its important to use rope that is soft and strong. Cotton rope is fairly soft, and you can wash it a few times to make it even softer. Make sure, however, that its pure cotton rope (a good source is a magicians-supply store), since a lot of so-called cotton rope (like clothesline rope) is actually cotton over plastic tubing, which isnt good for bondage. Nylon rope is also soft and good for bondage, although it can be too silky to hold a knot. Strong and washable, nylon climbing rope and webbing are great for bondage.

FIG. 9 BDSM TOYS

Whether you use rope or another material, keep the knots simple and easy to untie. Do not tie knots too tightly—you dont want to cut off the bottoms circulation. If you need to brush up on tying techniques, there are plenty of books (geared for sailors and other outdoor sportsmen) that explain how to tie easy knots. Make sure that the bottom is in a position that will not put any undue strain on the body. For example, if you tie someone spread-eagle to a bed, dont spread their arms or legs too far apart. You never want bondage to put excess strain on parts of the body; the bottom wont be able to be in that bondage for very long. Better to make your captive more comfortable, so she or he can stay tied up for as long as you want!

Bondage Tricks

If you are more ambitious, and would like to learn to create full-body bondage or a specialized apparatus like a rope bondage harness, then your best source for learning may be a workshop where you can see three-dimensional demonstrations. There are a few informative videos on the subject, including: _Learning the Ropes_ volumes 1 and 4 and _Fetish FAQ 1: Bondage. Jay Wisemans Erotic Bondage Handbook_ is the most comprehensive book on bondage and has excellent detailed techniques and illustrations.

One of the most critical factors in bondage is to keep the bottom restrained, yet not seriously physically uncomfortable. The bound partner can be a little uncomfortable but should never be in agony. You always want to make sure that the bondage is fairly easy for you to get the person out of. It sounds like a contradiction, but the truth is that if the bottom suddenly feels ill, claustrophobic, or on the verge of a panic attack, you want to be able to get them out of whatever they are in with relative speed. If you are using rope, that may mean cutting them out of the bondage, so keep a pair of good scissors nearby. Whatever is restraining them should be comfortable against the skin and joints without rubbing, chafing, or cutting into anything. Bondage should never cut off the circulation at any point; if the bottom feels pins and needles or the skin turns blue, you need to undo the bondage right away.

##### _Collars_

The collar is an important symbol among BDSM folks. I include it in the bondage section because, to me, a collar around the neck is a more subtle, emotional form of bondage. It may signify ownership, submission, subservience, surrender, and a whole range of other power dynamics. When my lover puts a collar around my neck, it helps me to give up control and become more passive and submissive. Putting a collar on someone is also a great way to begin a scene, to transition from your real personalities into the roles youve chosen. You can find collars designed for people in leather, S/M, and sex-toy stores, but you may also find less expensive ones big enough for humans at pet stores. A collar should be snug around the neck, but never tight, choking, or cutting off circulation. You can also attach a leash to the front of a collar or tie someones already bound wrists to his or her collar. While gentle tugging at a collar can be a turn-on, never yank a collar, as you can give someone whiplash.

#### Sensory Deprivation

Depriving someone of one or more of their senses can be an incredible exchange of power. When you take away one sense, the others are greatly heightened. A person who is blindfolded, for example, can concentrate on whats being done to his or her body without any visual distractions, and the physical sensations usually feel more intense as a result. Sensory deprivation can help a bottom focus more on a particular activity like a flogging, caning, or the simple act of dragging your fingernails across the skin. Taking away a bottoms ability to see is also an exercise of control over him or her. Because we process so much critical information through sight, a blindfold or hood can also be used to intimidate, frighten, or trick someone with complex psychological play. One of the very first times that I was put in a hood, the top told me that she was taking me to the local pizza parlor. We drove around for a while, and when she took me out of the car and indoors, she said something like, "Dont worry, shes okay," as if to a concerned onlooker. I truly believed we were in the pizza place, when we were actually just in her apartment!

Some elements of sensory deprivation include blindfolds, gags, and hoods. You can purchase different types of blindfolds at leather, S/M, and sex-toy stores, or you can use sleep masks, bandannas, or scarves. Blindfolds should be snug, but not too tight. When a blindfold comes off, the person will usually be disoriented and extra-sensitive to light, so keep that in mind.

Sensory Deprivation Tricks

Taking away a bottoms ability to speak can serve to put someone in a submissive role or quiet an otherwise mouthy individual. Gags come in all shapes and sizes. Its best for beginners to start with a gag made of soft cloth or fabric, like a scarf, bandanna, or even a pair of underwear; these soft gags are the easiest on a bottoms jaw and mouth. More extreme gags, including rubber or plastic "ball gags" (a ball with straps attached to it) and metal horse bits, are inflexible and much more difficult to keep in the mouth; people with jaw or mouth problems should think about avoiding them altogether. When you put a gag in someones mouth for an extended amount of time, the bottom will inevitably begin to drool—it cant be helped, though this might be a desired side effect if you want to put your bottom in his or her place. Even more important, a gagged bottom cannot use their safeword during a scene; you should both agree on a physical signal to use in place of a safeword.

Putting a hood over someones head deprives a person of sight and suppresses his or her ability to smell and hear. Hoods can really put a person into an altered state. Because the face and head are completely covered, some people feel a loss of identity. Others have an easier time becoming someone else or slipping into a submissive role when they have a hood on. Make sure the bottom can breathe easily in the hood, and that it isnt too tight anywhere. Hoods are made of nylon, leather, rubber, or a combination of materials and are sold at leather, S/M, and sex-toy stores; you may be tempted to use an oversized winter cap as a hood, but they have no ventilation. You can use a thin cotton pillowcase as long as you dont tie it closed and you make sure the bottom can easily breathe. When a hood comes off, the bottom will be extremely disoriented. Hoods and other forms of sensory deprivation can cause a person to lose sense of balance and time, and otherwise detach from reality; some people describe it as "taking a trip," so be prepared to bring them back down to Earth.

#### Hot Wax

They softly light a room for lovemaking, they set a mood, and they are romantic, but candles can also be a tantalizing or tortuous BDSM device. Many people enjoy playing with hot wax, dripping it slowly and seductively on someones body to create a unique sensation. You should always use ordinary white (paraffin) candles for wax play, since colored candles burn much hotter. Never use beeswax candles, which burn at a much higher temperature than ordinary wax candles and will burn the skin.

You can drip hot wax almost anywhere on the body except the neck, face, head, and genitals. Hold a candle several inches away from the body, and gently tip it over. The closer the candle, the hotter the wax will be when it hits the skin. Its best to begin a good distance away from your targeted spot and with a small amount of wax. This is another activity you can (and should) practice on yourself. Try alternating between hot wax and an ice cube to create a wonderfully sexy combination.

Of course, when playing with wax, use your common sense to prevent the candle from coming into contact with highly flammable materials, and be sensible about where you do it, since wax can make a big mess to clean up.

#### Spanking

Whether it happened to them as a child or not, plenty of adults enjoy a good old-fashioned spanking. A consistent, repeated series of smacks or slaps on someones flesh, administered with a variety of implements, can be highly erotic and enjoyable. For some, it is a different, very sensual sensation that turns them on; for others, it is the pain—and resulting release of endorphins into the body—that is arousing. In addition to the physical experience, submitting to pain, discipline, or punishment can be highly emotionally charged, which also contributes to the turn-on.

You can spank someone with all sorts of things, including your hand, a slapper, or a paddle. For novices and those looking for a light to moderate sensation, its best to begin with your own hand. Your hand can help you gauge just how soft or hard you are hitting someone, and is the easiest of tools to master since youve been using it your entire life! Take off rings and bracelets before you spank anyone; they can distract and cause injury. Pick a fleshy area of the body to spank—the most popular, and my personal favorite (surprise, surprise) is the ass. Get your bottom in a comfortable position—for example, lying over your lap, on all fours, or bent over the bed or a table.

Talk to your bottom, tell him or her what youre about to do. Perhaps say why youre giving the spanking if its part of the scene ("Youve been very naughty . . ." "This is because you forgot to thank me for untying you . . ."). If you havent yet done any foreplay or other touching, before you start spanking, its a good idea to get the bottom going. The more aroused he or she is, the more enjoyable the spanking will be for both of you. So, lick her pussy a little, stroke his cock, talk dirty to her, suck on his nipples, do whatever it is you know will get your bottom nice and turned on.

Begin by stroking and kneading the butt cheeks. Rubbing them firmly (but not too hard) will help to warm the skin and prepare it for the spanking; plus it will turn your partner on and tempt him or her with whats to come. Slightly cup your hand with the fingers together. Start out very lightly, just tapping the fullest part of the ass; make sure you avoid hitting the tailbone. After this very light spank, gently massage the area you just hit. Begin alternating sides with a light spank, followed by a massage. Keep your hand as close to the ass as possible; the farther away you bring your hand, the less control you have over hitting the exact spot you are aiming for and the more likely you will hit it too hard. You may want to spank with one hand and use the other one to play with her clit or his cock. Genital stimulation will help relax the bottom and make the spanking feel more sensual. Keep it relatively light in the beginning, and dont spank your bottom more than one or two dozen times. You can always have a heavier, longer spanking later. If youre going to spank someone and then do something else to their ass (flog it, cane it, or drip hot wax on it, for example), keep in mind that the skin is now much more sensitive.

Spanking Tricks

When youre ready to try different spanking tools, check your own home for useful equipment like a wooden spoon, spatula, or hairbrush. Or you may want to invest in a toy called a slapper (two pieces of leather sewn together at one end) or a paddle. Some paddles are leather on one side and soft faux fur on the other, so you can alternate between a whack and a gentle caress. There are also paddles made of rubber or wood, which deliver a much stronger, harder smack than their leather counterparts. Because slappers and paddles can be made of a variety of materials, it is important to know your tools before you start wielding them on another person. Most of them can produce a light sensation or a heavy, painful one depending on how much force is behind it. The important thing is to be very familiar with the implement, what different kinds of sensations it is capable of delivering as well as the pain it may inflict. Test out your spanking tools on yourself—if you are flexible enough, you can try hitting your own butt, or you can experiment on your inner thigh.

#### Caning

Canes used for BDSM play are not the hooked sticks that people walk with, but long, thin rods used for discipline. Think English governess. Canes can be made of rattan, Lucite, or even plastic, and they are about three feet long. Dont be fooled by their thin (many are the thickness of a pen), seemingly innocuous appearance—canes can be very dangerous. These tools may look innocent, but canes can really hurt, _very_ easily mark the skin, and even draw blood.

Because it does not require a lot of strength to wield a cane well, they are especially easy for women to use. You dont need to have well-developed muscles and upper-body strength to create some serious pain; in fact, a flick of the wrist is all it takes to deliver a stinging stroke. Practice your caning skills on a pillow to perfect your aim; trying it out on yourself is also wise so you can get a sense of how it feels, and how much force to put behind a blow. Like spanking and paddling, you should massage the area before actually hitting it. Caning should start out lightly, giving the bottom plenty of time between strokes to recover, relax, and breathe.

Because of its flexibility and design, a cane can inflict injury without very much effort on the part of its user. Your bottom should probably have a significant taste for pain if youre going to be playing with canes. The firm stroke of a cane creates a very different sensation than paddles, hands, or whips: it is a sharp, biting, almost burning sensation that one feels at the site of the smack and then, seconds later, spreads from the site. For the most part, you should only cane a persons ass and thighs. Canes are not for the faint-hearted and are definitely an acquired taste!

#### Flogging

Being struck gently, sensually, or with plenty of force by a flogger can be a mesmerizing experience, a painful one, or a little bit of both. Floggers are whips that have a handle and multiple tails (anywhere from twenty to fifty) made of a variety of materials, most often animal hides. Floggers are different than whips called cats or cat-o-nine-tails, which have braided or more dense tails and fewer of them. A long, cordlike whip that looks like a snake is a single-tail whip, not a flogger.

Dont make the mistake of selecting a flogger just because it looks pretty. Well-crafted floggers are beautiful and come in magnificent colors and designs, but you want the right tool for the job, not a piece of art. For example, suede and deerskin floggers produce a sensual, warm, light thud and are great for beginners, whereas the leather of a bullhide flogger has more density, is much heavier, and has quite a bite. Besides leather, there are also floggers made of rubber. With prices ranging from sixty-five to three hundred dollars and beyond, a flogger is a serious investment as far as toys go, and the workmanship definitely varies. I recommend that you go to a leather store with experienced, knowledgeable salespeople who can answer your questions reliably. Or better yet, go to a local leather flea market where you can often talk to the whipmakers themselves; tell them what kind of sensation youre looking for, and theyll tell you what hides best suit you.

Flogging Techniques

It is important for you to learn how to flog someone properly before you incorporate flogging into a scene. I absolutely recommend that you go to a workshop on flogging or ask an experienced player to give you a personal tutorial. Local BDSM organizations and stores often sponsor classes by some of the leading practitioners and teachers in the BDSM community. It also helps to watch flogging scenes, whether in a video or at a BDSM club or demonstration. There are some wonderful chapters on flogging in BDSM how-to guides—most notably _Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns_ —but nothing beats a hands-on approach to this kind of learning. While you are still getting a grip, so to speak, on flogging, its a good idea to practice your aim, timing, and technique on an inanimate object like a pillow or a large stuffed animal.

Before youve graduated to a real live person, you may want to try having someone else flog you so you can see what it feels like; one of the best ways to learn about doing BDSM as a top is to do it first as a bottom. The most important thing to know about flogging (and any kind of smacking) is that you should only hit the fleshy parts of the body. Most people enjoy being hit on their backs, asses, and thighs. You should avoid all bony areas, joints, and organs, including the head, neck, spine, knees, shins, ankles, elbows, shoulder blades, kidneys, stomach, and genitals. Like anything else new, it takes lots of practice before you can master it. When I started flogging bottoms, I often put a towel around their necks to protect them from my novice aim, which often went off course. Its crucial that a flogging be well paced, with plenty of warm-up, building up to more and more.

Once youve practiced your aim on a pillow and have a willing bottom in front you, take your time. Hold the flogger in your hand and get used to the weight of it. Drape the tails across your bottoms back, dragging them across the body to create a sensual feeling. Massage the area you are going to flog—probably the back and the ass—and slap or spank it lightly to ready it for the whip. There are several ways to throw a flogger, so you should see what works best for you. I like to step back from the person and throw the whip several times without hitting just to warm up. If you have one flogger, make the most of it. Start out using it very lightly, then gradually increase how hard you hit. Tops who own several floggers like to warm up with the softer, lighter ones, then graduate to heavier ones.

Its important to pay attention to your bottoms verbal and non-verbal cues during a flogging. Encourage your partner to talk to you and tell you how it feels, so you can gauge his or her pain tolerance. Let the bottoms feedback guide how you proceed. After several lashes of the whip, approach your partner, massage the areas on her body youve hit, talk to her, reassure her, commend her for her strength and perseverance. You may want to build up to a heavier flogger, then switch back to a lighter one to give her a rest. Also pay attention to her body and how it responds to the whip. Many people flinch slightly, but if you see a more extreme flinch, you are probably hitting too hard. Skilled flogging takes a lot of practice—dont expect to master it the first time around.

#### Nipple (and Other) Clamps


Input: Write a section for a sex guide discussing the practice of using nipple clamps and other pinching implements in BDSM. Define the different types of clamps and where they can be used on the body. Discuss the sensation of using clamps and how it feels when they are removed. Provide tips on how to use clamps safely and how to communicate with a partner during the use of clamps. Also, discuss the practice of water sports in BDSM, including the safety and cleanliness of the practice. Finally, mention the concept of psychological play in BDSM and how it can be as intense and exhilarating as physical play.

Response:
Whether it was during a childhood romp or at an especially intense moment during sex, we have all learned what it feels like to be pinched. Some folks like to be pinched in specific sweet spots, and a pinch will heighten sexual arousal. Others like to pinch certain areas of the body—especially the nipples, chest, inner thighs, and upper arms—for extended periods of time with implements other than fingers. You can use clothespins, various kinds of clips (like those sold at office-supply stores), or hair clips. There are also a wide variety of nipple clamps available at leather, S/M, and sex-toy stores. When you put a clamp on a part of the body, you cut off the circulation to that area. It definitely hurts (to varying degrees) when you put any kind of a clamp on. But heres the real trick: it feels a hell of a lot worse when the clamp comes off. The blood quickly rushes back to the area in a big burst, and bang, your brain registers pain! The turn-on comes with the release of endorphins from the pain, and from the endurance: how much you can take and how long you can take it. If clamps are tight and left on for a while, they can also leave very unique marks.

Nipple clamps (which are two clamps attached with a chain) come in a wide variety of styles and strengths, and as their name suggests, are most often used on mens and womens nipples. There are dozens of different varieties and styles to choose from, but a good starter set of clamps are the kind you can adjust, often called "tweezer style." The problem with clothespins, binder clips, and many kinds of nipple clamps is that you cant change the severity of the clamping mechanism, so they have only one clamping strength. With adjustable clamps, you can start out with the loosest clamping and work your way up to a tighter and more severe pinch.

In addition to nipples, look for fleshy areas that you can grab between your fingers—above the breasts, on the back, along the inner thighs, for example. You should definitely work your way up in terms of how much time you leave clamps on in any one area. Bottoms should always tell a top if the pain is intolerable, if its pinching too much or in a way that doesnt feel good. Never leave any clamp on for more than fifteen minutes.

In the beginning, try putting on just a few strategically placed clothespins and see what feels best to the bottom. Many people like to clamp the area, then a minute later jiggle the clothespins for an added sensation. Leave them on for only a few minutes, then take them off. Remember, the sensation increases tenfold as they come off and the blood rushes back to the area. Experiment with different ways of removing the clothespins: gently squeeze the end, releasing the flesh in the nicest way; or if you want to test your bottom, tug at the pin, let it slide off the skin about halfway, then squeeze the end and release it all the way. You might even rip the clothespin off quickly and mercilessly for a sadistic gesture your bottom wont soon forget.

If you want to start out playing with his or her nipples, invest in the tweezer clamps or any kind of adjustable clamps, so you have a range of options. Again, clothespins may be too tight on nipples and leave you no way to adjust the intensity. If the feeling is too intense when you first put them on, try slipping more of the nipple into the clamp, which should lessen the pinch or decrease the clamping strength. The chain between the pair of clamps is a great way to continue to tease the nipples once the clamps are on—tug on the chain gently, and see how hard you can pull on it. When the clamps are ready to come off, youve got the same options I described for the clothespins, depending on your mood, of course.

#### Water Sports

"Golden showers" and "water sports" are terms coined by the BDSM community to describe taking pleasure in pee. Golden showerers fetishize the feel, the smell, the taste of piss; they enjoy the erotics of pissing on themselves or on others, or being pissed on. It makes sense that some people into power play would also be into piss: a top can assert dominance by peeing on a bottom, and being pissed on can be the ultimate act of submission. Yet, although golden showers were once associated exclusively with BDSM, it is an activity that is gaining more popularity, acceptance, and practice among nonkinky folks. After all, it can feel really good, and it is another bodily fluid we can share with our lovers.

So whats so sexy about pee? Well, for one thing, a shot of warm liquid all over your body can feel really good, especially if that fluid comes from your lovers body. Many peoples fantasies involve the forbiddenness of doing something together thats meant to happen only in private, and the naughtiness of playing with piss can be a big turn-on. They can combine golden showers as part of dominant and submissive role-playing. If youre thinking of experimenting with water sports, a good place to start is the shower—its steamy, sexy, and the cleanup is automatic!

You may be wondering about the safety of piss play. Contrary to popular belief, urine isnt sterile, but it is very clean as far as bodily fluids go, even cleaner than spit. Peeing on someone or in someones mouth is pretty low risk. Being peed on or in can be safe, with a few exceptions. Hepatitis B, cytomegalovirus (CMV), the genital herpes virus, chlamydia, and gonorrhea may be present in the urine of a person infected with any of these diseases and can be transmitted through broken skin or a mucous membrane. Swallowing urine that is infected with CMV, chlamydia, and gonorrhea could theoretically lead to infection. There is no research on HIV being transmitted through urine; however, it is possible if there is blood in the urine. Whether water sports are part of your BDSM play or an activity unto itself, be sure you think about cleanup before you start. Its warm, its wet, but who wants to sleep on a urine-soaked bed?

#### Psychological Play

Some people who do BDSM dont eroticize pain, never pick up an inflicting instrument, and after scenes, never have a scratch or a bruise. After all this talk of different sensations and playing with pain, how is that possible? Lots of BDSM people are more interested in playing with the mind than the body. Psychological play can be as intense, painful, and exhilarating as any physical play.

There is a whole range of psychological play, and much of it I already discussed in the fantasy and role-playing chapter. People who do BDSM may play some of the same scenarios—mistress/slave, kidnapper/captive, doctor/patient, teacher/student, and others—but they usually take it up a notch by adding other elements of BDSM to role-playing. Some people like to enact erotic dramas that are taboo in our society: parental roles, like mommy or daddy and child; age play, including infantilism, in which people act like babies; or animal play, like a trainer and a horse or an owner and a puppy. Some people also like to play with gender, and embody a gender different from their own.

As part of a scene, some people may crave verbal discipline or abuse, humiliation, public humiliation, interrogation, punishment, or other seemingly negative scenarios. Why would someone want to do such a thing? Under normal circumstances, no one takes pleasure in being yelled at, humiliated, taunted, criticized, or punished. However, as part of an erotic BDSM scene, the drama, tension, and release that comes from such an exchange—between two people who actually care for each other and have negotiated beforehand—can be cathartic and pleasurable.

#### Advanced Play

In addition to the practices Ive reviewed, there is plenty more to BDSM. If youve found that you enjoy pain and sensations, you may want to try single-tail whipping, cutting, play piercing, or electricity play. If hot wax appeals to you, other hot stuff includes burning, branding, and fire play. You can take bondage one step further with suspension bondage, and sensory deprivation to the next level with breath-control play (including choking). Some people like their genitals played with in a more extreme way, which is called genitorture or genital play. I consider these activities BDSM 201 and up. They require more skill and can be potentially more risky and dangerous. I encourage you to get more information (a workshop, a book, a video) before you try any of these activities.

**W** _hat is a fetish and how do I know if I have one? Whats a fetish party?_

In the fabulous photography book _The Beauty of Fetish,_ by Steven Diet Goedde, professional dominant FetishDiva Midori writes: "The catalogue of commonly recognized fetish objects are infinite as the creativity of the human mind. . . . What do all these objects have in common for the vast number of individual fetishists today? The power of potential."23

A fetish is an inanimate object or a part of the body that turns you on. In technical (and once pathological) terms, a true fetishist _must_ have the fetish in order to be aroused and sexually satisfied at all. The term has lost its psychiatric meaning, and now it is used to describe a desire for a particular object, from the moderate to the obsessive. As a fetishist, you may fixate on or have an overwhelming desire to worship certain parts of a lovers body—youve got an ass fetish, a hair fetish, a foot fetish, etc. Or clothing and accessories could be your turn-on: a shoe fetish, an earring fetish, a seamed-stocking fetish. Maybe there are nonsexual things that become highly erotic to you; there are plenty of folks with food fetishes, car fetishes, or uniform fetishes.

The term _fetish_ has also expanded in recent years to cover a wide range of tastes and activities. Leather, latex, PVC, and other sexy, kinky clothes are now often referred to as "fetishwear." Events or gatherings where people dress up and do BDSM scenes might be called a "fetish party." But at the heart of the term is still the notion of eroticism, and in various contexts, fetish still signifies an intense lust that usually takes the form of some _thing._

Afterword


Input: Write a brief erotic manifesto for your sex guide. Discuss the importance of connecting with your partner, trust, and exploring desires and fantasies in great sex. Encourage readers to take a journey with their sexual partner and use the tools, techniques, and tricks provided in your book to enhance their sex life. Mention that once alternative or fringe sexual practices are becoming more popular among everyday people. Emphasize the importance of not feeling pressure to learn everything at once or perfect lovemaking skills in a day. Remind readers to follow their heart and libido, and to embrace, honor, and celebrate their desires and sexual power.

Response:
###### A Brief Erotic Manifesto

When it comes right down to it, great sex happens when you connect with your partner, when you trust each other and feel comfortable enough to share your desires, explore your fantasies, and open yourself to try new things. I want to encourage everyone to take such a journey with their sexual partner, and I hope I have given you some tools, techniques, and tricks to enhance your sex life. Many of the kinds of sex discussed in the book were once thought of as "alternative" or on the fringe, but I believe that they are becoming more popular among regular, everyday folks than ever before. Believe me, working at a sex-toy store and teaching sex workshops around the country has convinced me that the girl next door has got a strap-on and her boyfriend bought it for her.

Sex can be fun, relaxing, life-affirming, mind-blowing, spiritual, and physically and emotionally fulfilling. Each one of you will take something different from this book—a refresher course on sexual anatomy, tips on erotic communication, a guide to adding toys to sex, encouragement for exploring new areas of the body through G-spot and anal stimulation, ideas for fantasy role-playing, a new perspective on using erotica, or an introduction to the world of BDSM. Do not feel pressure to learn everything at once or perfect your lovemaking skills in a day. Take it one orgasm at a time.

I began the book talking about desire, a complex, sometimes elusive element that doesnt always make sense. Remember that the best techniques in the world wont get you very far if you arent willing to follow your heart and your libido. Dont deny what turns you on. Embrace your desires fully. Be honest with yourself and your lover and be as direct as you can. Dont compromise your pleasure. Treat your partner and your intimate relationship with as much love and respect as possible.

Sex is a significant, sacred, and powerful force in our lives. Honor and celebrate it—and your own sexual power.


Input: Compile a list of notes and references for your sex guide. Include citations from various sources such as magazines, books, interviews, and research studies. Provide specific page numbers for each reference. Topics should include scientific research on female sexuality, ejaculation, testosterone levels, and the role of genetics in sexual behavior. Also include information on the adult entertainment industry, condom use, and BDSM practices.

Response:
# Notes

1. John Leland, "The Science of Women and Sex," _Newsweek,_ May 29, 2000, p. 51.

2. Rebecca Chalker, _The Clitoral Truth: The Secret World at Your Fingertips_ (New York: Seven Stories Press, 2000), pp. 32 and 35.

3. William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, _Human Sexual Response_ (New York: Random House, 1966).

4. Alice Kahn Ladas, Beverly Whipple, and John D. Perry, _The G Spot and Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality_ (New York: Dell, 1983), p. 21.

5. Roselyn Payne Epps and Susan Cobb Stewart, eds., _The American Medical Womens Association Guide to Sexuality_ (New York: Dell, 1996), p. 158.

6. Phone interview with San Francisco Sex Information Supervisor, May 1997, and Cathy Winks and Anne Semans, _The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex_ (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 1997), p. 73.

7. "Nonoxynol-9 May Increase Risk of HIV," _Sojourner,_ September 2000, p. 9.

8. Ladas, Whipple, and Perry, p. 45.

9. According to research by Milan Zaviacic and Beverly Whipple, female ejaculate was found to contain higher levels of prostatic acid phosphatase (PAP) and higher levels of glucose or fructose than are present in urine. Ejaculate was also found to contain lower levels of urea and creatinine, the primary components of urine. From Cathy Winks, _The Good Vibrations Guide: The G-Spot_ (San Francisco: Down There Press, 1998), p. 34.

10. A student of Edwin Belzer, who taught human sexuality at Dalhousie University in Nova Scotia, did her own experiment, which Belzer reported in his research: "After taking Uristed tables [a bladder relaxant drug], which dye urine blue, she inspected the wet spots on her sheet following a number of orgasmic explusions. No color whatsoever was apparent in some samples, and in others only the faintest blue tinge appeared. So she intentionally released some urine on the sheet. This time the color was unmistakably a deeper blue." From Ladas, Whipple, and Perry, p. 70.

11. In a study in Spain (reported at the Thirteenth Annual Congress on Sexology in 1997), physicist-psychologist Francisco Cabello Santamaria and clinical analyst Rico Nesters reported the presence of prostate specific antigen (PSA, a primary chemical in male prostatic emissions) in all ejaculation samples. PSA was not present in preorgasmic urine samples, and was present, but in lower quantity, in 75 percent of postorgasmic urine samples. I find the Santamaria/Nesters study one of the most compelling for several reasons. Like other research, their study indicates that ejaculatory fluid is distinctly different from urine—in this case, because of the presence of PSA. The quantity of PSA was high in the ejaculate of the subjects, which supports the theory that the fluid is similar to fluid produced by the prostate gland. From Chalker, p. 98.

12. Ladas, Whipple, and Perry, pp. 80–81.

13. Chalker raises the idea that testosterone and genetics may play a role: "Although there has yet to be a study of the effect that varying testosterone levels in women (or in men for that matter) may have on the production of prostatic fluid, it would seem that the amount of testosterone a woman has may be a determinant in how much ejaculation a woman produces. All women have some testosterone, and while the amount may be influenced by some lifestyle and environmental factors, genetic inheritance may be the strongest single factor." From Chalker, p. 101.

14. Ladas, Whipple, and Perry, p. 69.

15. Ladas, Whipple, and Perry, p. 84.

16. Winks, p. 37.

17. Ladas, Whipple, and Perry, p. 60.

18. Laurence OToole, _Pornocopia: Porn, Sex, Technology, and Desire_ (London: Serpents Tail, 1998), p. 6.

19. OToole, p. 6.

20. Andrew Wyke, "Exploiting the Many Markets of Adult," _Adult Video News,_ September 2000, p. 34.

21. Tod Hunter, "The Condom Revolution Will Not Be Televised," _Adult Video News,_ September 2000, pp. 38–40.

22. Marianne Apostolides, "The Pleasure of the Pain: Why Some People Need S&M," _Psychology Today,_ September/October 1999, p. 61.

23. FetishDiva Midori, "Contemplation on Fetish and the Pursuit of Our Objects of Desire," in Steven Diet Goedde, _The Beauty of Fetish_ (New York: Edition Stemmle, 1998), p. 131.


Input: Create a comprehensive list of resources for a sex guidebook. Include various categories such as sexual anatomy and response, erotic desire, sexual communication, safer sex, hand jobs and oral sex, sex tools and sex toys, G-spot stimulation and female ejaculation, anal sex for men and women, fantasy and role-playing, adding erotica to sex, and exploring BDSM. For each category, provide a list of books, videos, magazines, and online resources. Also include contact information for sex toy manufacturers, distributors, and retailers.

Response:
# Resources

**1: Sexual Anatomy and Response**

BOOKS:

_Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women,_ by Julia Heiman and Joseph Lopiccolo (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1998).

_The Clitoral Truth: The Secret World at Your Fingertips,_ by Rebecca Chalker (New York: Seven Stories Press, 2000).

_Extended Massive Orgasm,_ by Steve Bodansky and Vera Bodansky (Alameda, CA: Hunter House Publishers, 2000).

_The Multi-Orgasmic Couple: Secrets Every Couple Should Know,_ by Mantak Chia, Maneewan Chia, Douglas Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams, M.D., (San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 2000).

_The Multi-Orgasmic Man: Sexual Secrets Every Man Should Know,_ by Mantak Chia and Douglas Abrams (San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1997).

_The New Male Sexuality: The Truth About Men, Sex, and Pleasure,_ by Bernie Zilbergeld (New York: Bantam, 1999).

_A New View of a Womans Body,_ by Federation of Feminist Womens Health Center (Los Angeles: Feminist Health Press, 1991). Note: This will be listed as "out of print" with booksellers; it is only available directly from the publisher, see www.fwhc.org.

_Oral Caress: The Loving Guide to Exciting a Woman: A Comprehensive Illustrated Manual on the Joyful Art of Cunnilingus,_ by Robert W. Birch (Columbus: Greyden Press, 1999).

_Our Bodies, Ourselves: For The New Century,_ by Boston Womens Health Collective (New York: Touchstone Books, 1998).

_Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving,_ by Betty Dodson (New York: Crown Publications, 1996).

VIDEOS:

_Celebrating Orgasm,_ directed by Betty Dodson (Betty Dodson, 1996), 60 minutes.

_Fire in the Valley: An Intimate Guide to Female Genital Massage,_ directed by Joseph Kramer and Annie Sprinkle (EroSpirit Research Institute, 1999), 55 minutes.

_Fire on the Mountain: An Intimate Guide to Male Genital Massage,_ directed by Joseph Kramer (EroSpirit Research Institute, 1993), 45 minutes.

_Masturbation Memoirs (Volumes 1–4),_ directed by Dorrie Allen (House O Chicks, 1995), 15 minutes.

_Selfloving,_ directed by Betty Dodson (Betty Dodson, 1991), 60 minutes.

_Viva La Vulva,_ directed by Betty Dodson (Betty Dodson, 1998), 51 minutes.

**2: Erotic Desire, Sexual Communication, and Safer Sex**

BOOKS:

_Beyond Viagra: A Commonsense Guide to Building a Healthy Sexual Relationship for Both Men and Women,_ by Gerald A. Melchiode, M.D., with Bill Sloan (New York: Owl Books, 1999).

_The Complete Guide to Safer Sex,_ by the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, edited by Ted McIlvenna (Ft. Lee, NJ: Barricade Books, 1999).

_Could It Be . . . Perimenopause?: How Women 35–50 Can Overcome Forgetfulness, Mood Swings, Insomnia, Weight Gain, Sexual Dysfunction, and Other Telltale Signs of Hormonal Imbalance,_ by Steve R. Goldstein, M.D., and Laurie Ashner (New York: Little Brown & Co., 2000).

_The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Sexual Passion and Fulfillment,_ by Jack Morin (New York: HarperCollins, 1996).

_The Fine Art of Erotic Talk: How to Entice, Excite and Enchant Your Lover with Words,_ by Bonnie Gabriel (New York: Bantam, 1996).

_For Women Only: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Sexual Dysfunction and Reclaiming Your Sex Life,_ by Jennifer Berman, M.D., and Laura Berman, Ph.D. (New York: Henry Holt, 2001).

_Full Exposure: Opening Up to Sexual Creativity and Erotic Expression,_ by Susie Bright (San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 2000).

_Im Not in the Mood: What Every Woman Should Know About Improving Her Libido,_ by Judith Reichman (New York: Quill/William Morrow and Co., 1999).

_The Survivors Guide to Sex: How to Have a Great Sex Life After Child Sexual Abuse,_ by Staci Haines (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 2000).

_Talk Sexy to the One You Love (And Drive Each Other Wild in Bed),_ by Barbara Keesling (New York: HarperCollins, 1997).

**3: Hand Jobs and Oral Sex**

BOOKS:

_Guide to Getting It On!,_ by Paul Joannides (Chicago: Goofy Foot Press, 2000).

_How to Be a Great Lover; Girlfriend-to-Girlfriend Totally Explicit Techniques That Will Blow His Mind,_ by Lou Paget (New York: Broadway Books, 1999).

_How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure: Totally Explicit Techniques Every Woman Wants Her Man to Know,_ by Lou Paget (New York: Broadway Books, 2000).

_The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex,_ by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 1997).

VIDEOS:

_Nina Hartleys Advanced Guide to Oral Sex,_ directed by Nina Hartley (Adam & Eve, 1998), 86 minutes.

_Nina Hartleys Guide to Better Cunnilingus,_ directed by Nina Hartley (Adam & Eve, 1995), 77 minutes.

_Nina Hartleys Guide to Better Fellatio,_ directed by Nina Hartley (Adam & Eve, 1994), 45 minutes.

**4: Sex Tools and Sex Toys**

BOOKS:

_The Black Book: The Guide for the Erotic Explorer,_ by Bill Brent (San Francisco: Black Books, 2000).

_The Go Ask Alice Book of Answers: A Guide to Good Physical, Sexual, and Emotional Health,_ by Columbia Universitys Health Education Program (New York: Owl Books, 1998).

_Good Vibrations: The New Guide to Vibrators,_ by Joani Blank and Ann Whidden (San Francisco: Down There Press, 2000).

_Mind Your Body: A Sexual Health and Wellness Guide for Women,_ by Beth Howard (New York: Griffin, 1998).

_The Technology of Orgasm: "Hysteria," the Vibrator, and Womens Sexual Satisfaction,_ by Rachel Maines (Baltimore: Johns Hopkins University Press, 1999).

_Hot Pants: Do It Yourself Gynecology and Herbal Remedies,_ by Isabelle Gauthier and Lisa Vinebaum, 1999. This is a booklet distributed by Bloodsisters c/o Elle Corazon, 176 Bernard West, Montreal, Quebec, H2T 2K2 Canada.

_Woman to Woman: A Leading Gynecologist Tells You All You Need to Know About Your Body and Your Health,_ by Yvonne S. Thornton and Jo Coudert (New York: Penguin USA, 1998).

VIDEOS:

_Carol Queens Great Vibrations,_ directed by Joani Blank (Blank Tapes Productions, 1995), 55 minutes.

_Nina Hartleys Guide to Sex Toys,_ directed by Nina Hartley (Adam & Eve, 1998), 87 minutes.

SEX TOY MANUFACTURERS/DISTRIBUTORS:

California Exotic Novelties, Inc.

14255 Ramona Avenue

Chino, CA 91710

(800) 7-SWEDISH

www.calexotics.com

_Mainstream adult toy company._

Doc Johnson Enterprises

11933 Vose Street

North Hollywood, CA 91605

(800) 423-3650

www.docjohnson.com

_Mainstream adult toy company._

Dils for Does

(520) 556-9475

_Makers of handmade silicone dildos and plugs._

Innerspace

P.O. Box 56328

Sherman Oaks, CA 91413

(818) 897-4444

www.innerspaceart.com

_Makers of clear acrylic dildos and butt plugs._

Knowmind Enterprises Inc.

P.O. Box 8070

Madeira Beach, FL 33738

(727) 580-0551

www.knowmind.com

_Makers of Pyrex-quality glass dildos._

Scorpio Novelty Products

5414 Kings Highway, First Floor

Brooklyn, NY 11203

(718) 629-6359

_Makers of handmade silicone dildos._

Tantus

2856 Delta Drive

Colorado Springs, CO 80910

(719) 391-4200

_Makers of handmade silicone dildos._

Vibratex

P.O. Box 991

Vallejo, CA 94590

(800) 222-3361

www.vibratex.com

_Makers and distributors of Japanese vibrators, including dual-action models._

Vixen Creations

1004 Revere Ave. B-49

San Francisco, CA 94124

(415) 822-0403

www.vixencreations.com

_Makers of handmade silicone dildos, plugs, and anal beads._

**5: G-Spot Stimulation and Female Ejaculation**

BOOKS:

_The Clitoral Truth: The Secret World at Your Fingertips,_ by Rebecca Chalker (New York: Seven Stories Press, 2000).

_Eves Secrets: A Revolutionary Perspective on Human Sexuality,_ by Josephine Lowndes Sevely (New York: Random House, 1987).

_The Good Vibrations Guide: The G-Spot,_ by Cathy Winks (San Francisco: Down There Press, 1998).

_The G Spot and Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality,_ by Alice Kahn Ladas, Beverly Whipple, and John D. Perry (New York: Dell, 1983).

_A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting,_ by Deborah Addington (Emeryville, CA: Greenery Press, 1998).

VIDEOS:

_The Amazing G-spot and Female Ejaculation_ (Access Instructional Media, 2000), 89 minutes.

_Guide to G-Spot & Male Multiple Orgasm_ (Sinclair Institute, 1999), 60 minutes.

_How to Female Ejaculate,_ directed by Fanny Fatale (Fatale Video, 1992), 47 minutes.

_How to Find Your Goddess Spot,_ directed by Dorrie Allen (House O Chicks, 1995), 30 minutes.

_The Incredible G-Spot,_ directed by Laura Corn (Merlin/Park Avenue Publishers, 1995), 73 minutes.

_The Magic of Female Ejaculation,_ directed by Dorrie Allen (House O Chicks, 1995), 15 minutes.

_Secrets of Female Sexual Ecstasy,_ directed by Dennis Miller (Charles Muir and Caroline Muir, 1996), 80 minutes.

_Sluts and Goddesses Workshop,_ directed by Annie Sprinkle and Maria Beatty (1992), 50 minutes.

_Tantric Journey to Female Orgasm,_ directed by Debi Sundahl (Isis Media, 1998), 75 minutes.

**6: Anal Sex for Him and Her**

BOOKS:

_Anal Pleasure & Health: A Guide for Men and Women,_ by Jack Morin (San Francisco: Down There Press, 1998).

_The Strap-On Book,_ by A. H. Dion (Emeryville, CA: Greenery Press, 1999).

_Trust, the Hand Book: A Guide to the Sensual and Spiritual Art of Handballing,_ by Bert Herrman (San Francisco: Alamo Square Press, 1991).

_The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women,_ by Tristan Taormino (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 1997).

_The Ultimate Guide to Strap-On Sex: A Complete Resource for Men and Women,_ by Karlyn Lotney, a.k.a. Fairy Butch (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 2000).

VIDEOS:

_Bend Over Boyfriend,_ directed by Shar Rednour (Fatale Video/S.I.R. Video, 1998), 60 minutes.

_Bend Over Boyfriend 2: More Rockin, Less Talkin,_ directed by Shar Rednour and Jackie Strano (S.I.R. Video, 1999), 80 minutes.

_Nina Hartleys Guide to Anal Sex,_ directed by Nina Hartley (Adam & Eve, 1996), 60 minutes.

_Tristan Taorminos Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women,_ directed by Tristan Taormino, Ernest Greene, and John Stagliano (Evil Angel, 1999), 238 minutes.

**7: Fantasy and Role-Playing**

BOOKS:

_Come Play with Me: Games and Toys for Creative Lovers,_ by Joan Elizabeth Lloyd (New York: Warner Books, 1994).

_The Couples Guide to Erotic Games: Bringing Intimacy and Passion Back Into Sex and Relationships,_ by Gerald Schoenewolf (Secaucus, NJ: Citadel Press, 1998).

_The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities,_ by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt (Emeryville, CA: Greenery Press, 1998).

_Exhibitionism for the Shy: Show Off, Dress Up, and Talk Hot,_ by Carol Queen (San Francisco: Down There Press, 1995).

_Forbidden Flowers: More Womens Sexual Fantasies,_ by Nancy Friday (New York: Pocket Books, 1993).

_Fantasex: A Book of Erotic Games for the Adult Couple,_ by Rolf Milonas (New York: Putnam, 1983).

_Getting Close: A Lovers Guide to Embracing Fantasy and Heightening Sexual Connection,_ by Barbara Keesling (New York: HarperCollins, 1999).

_His Secret Life: Male Sexual Fantasies,_ by Bob Berkowitz (New York: Pocket Books, 1998).

_Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate Lovemaking,_ by Dr. Patricia Love and Jo Robinson (New York: Plume, 1999).

_My Secret Garden: Womens Sexual Fantasies,_ by Nancy Friday (New York: Pocket Books, 1998).

_The New Intimacy: Open-Ended Marriage and Alternative Lifestyles,_ by Ronald Mazur (New York: toExcel/iUniverse.com, 2000).

_Nice Couples Do: How to Turn Your Secret Dreams into Sensational Sex,_ by Joan Elizabeth Lloyd (New York: Warner Books, 1991).

_Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits,_ by Deborah M. Anapol (San Raphael, CA: Intinet Resource Center, 1997).

_Whispered Secrets: The Couples Guide to Erotic Fantasies,_ by Iris and Steve Finz (New York: Penguin, 1990).

_Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Womens Sexual Fantasies,_ by Nancy Friday (New York: Pocket Books, 1993).

VIDEOS:

_Nina Hartleys Guide to Private Dancing,_ directed by Nina Hartley (Adam & Eve, 1997), 75 minutes.

**8: Adding Erotica to Sex**

PUBLICATIONS:

_Adult Video News_ (AVN)

Subscription Office

9414 Eton Avenue

Chatsworth, CA 91311

(818) 718-5788

www.avn.com

_Leading adult-industry monthly magazine with video reviews, performer profiles, news, and features._

_Adam Film World_

8060 Melrose Avenue

Los Angeles, CA 90046

(213) 653-8060

_Adult-industry magazine with video reviews and other sex-industry features._

_Batteries Not Included_

130 W. Limestone Street

Yellow Springs, OH 45387

(973) 767-7416

BNI@aol.com

_Offbeat newsletter about the adult industry and other sexy stuff._

_Spectator Magazine_

P.O. Box 1984

Berkeley, CA 94701

(510) 849-1615

www.spectatormag.com

_Californias original adult-news magazine covering several aspects of the sex industry._

EROTICA BOOKS:

_Best American Erotica_ series, edited by Susie Bright (New York: Touchstone Books, 1993–2001).

_Best Bisexual Erotica,_ edited by Bill Brent and Carol Queen (Cambridge, MA: Circlet Press/Black Books, 2000).

_Best Black Womens Erotica,_ edited by Blanche Richardson (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 2001).

_Best Gay Erotica_ series, edited by Richard Labonte (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 1997– ).

_Best Lesbian Erotica_ series, edited by Tristan Taormino (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 1996– ).

_Best Womens Erotica_ series, edited by Marcy Sheiner (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 2000– ).

_Black Feathers: Erotic Dreams,_ by Cecilia Tan (New York: HarperCollins, 1998).

_The Erotic Edge: 22 Erotic Stories for Couples,_ edited by Lonnie Garfield Barbach (New York: Plume, 1996).

_Herotica: A Collection of Womens Erotic Fiction,_ tenth-anniversary edition, edited by Susie Bright (Down There Press/Plume, 1998).

_Herotica 2: A Collection of Womens Erotic Fiction,_ edited by Susie Bright and Joani Blank (Down There Press/Plume, 1992).

_Herotica 3: A Collection of Womens Erotic Fiction,_ edited by Susie Bright (Down There Press/Plume, 1994).

_Herotica 4, 5, 6,_ and _7,_ edited by Marcy Sheiner (Down There Press/ Plume, 1996, 1998, 1999, 2001).

_The Leatherdaddy and the Femme,_ by Carol Queen (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 1998).

_Macho Sluts,_ by Pat Califia (Los Angeles: Alyson Publications, 1989).

_Melting Point,_ by Pat Califia (Los Angeles: Alyson Publications, 1996).

BOOKS ABOUT EROTICA AND ADULT VIDEOS:

_The Couples Guide to the Best Erotic Videos,_ by Steve and Elizabeth Brent (New York: St. Martins Press, 1997).

_The Edge of the Bed: How Dirty Pictures Changed My Life,_ by Lisa Palac (New York: Little, Brown & Company, 1998).

_The Good Vibrations Guide: Adult Videos,_ by Cathy Winks (San Francisco: Down There Press, 1998).

_Tales from the Clit: A Female Experience of Pornography,_ by Cherie Matrix (San Francisco: AK Press Distribution, 1996).

_The Wise Womans Guide to Erotic Videos: 300 Sexy Videos for Every Woman and Her Lover,_ by Angela Cohen and Sarah Gardner Fox (New York: Broadway Books, 1997).

_The X-Rated Videotape Guide XIII,_ by Patrick Riley (Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 1999).

ADULT VIDEO PRODUCTION COMPANIES:

Adam & Eve

302 Meadowlands Drive

Hillsborough, NC 27278

(800) 274-0333

www.adameve.com

_Mainstream producers/distributors of adult features, including couples-oriented videos, Candida Royalles Femme videos, and Nina Hartleys how-to videos._

Betty Dodson Productions

P.O. Box 1933

Murray Hill Station

New York, NY 10156

(212) 679-4240

www.bettydodson.com

_Producer/distributor of all Betty Dodson videos._

Bizarre Video

20 Jay Street, 5th Floor

Brooklyn, NY 11201

(718) 802-1251

www.bizarrevideo.com

_Producers/distributors of mainstream BDSM and fetish videos, including many of director Ernest Greenes videos._

Bleu Productions

P.O. Box 20280

New York, NY 10011

(888) 375-2464

www.bleuproductions.com

_Producers of artsy lesbian BDSM and fetish videos._

Blue Door Videos

ETP, Inc.

P.O. Box 64378

Sunnyvale, CA 94089

www.bluedoor.com

_Rent or buy adult videos and DVDs on the Internet!_

EroSpirit Research Institute

P.O. Box 3893

Oakland, CA 94609

(510) 428-9063

www.erospirit.org

_Producer/distributor of erotic videos by Joseph Kramer, Annie Sprinkle, and others._

Evil Angel

14141 Covello Street, Unit 8-C

Van Nuys, CA 91405

(800) 442-6435

www.evilangel.com

_Producer/distributor of videos by Gregory Dark, John Leslie, John Stagliano, and others._

Fatale Video

1537 4th Street, #193

San Raphael, CA 94901

(888) 5-FATALE

www.other-rooms.com/fatale.html

_Lesbian-produced lesbian videos._

Femme Productions

P.O. Box 268

New York, NY 10012

(800) 456-LOVE

www.royalle.com

_Candida Royalles adult videos from a womans perspective._

House O Chicks

2215-R Market Street #813

San Francisco, CA 94114

(415)861-9849

www.houseochicks.com

_Producers/distributors of feminist, alternative short erotic videos._

Isis Media

369 Montezuma, Suite 112

Santa Fe, NM 87501

(505) 988-1909

www.isismedia.org

_Producer of tantric sex and other erotic videos._

Jill Kelly Productions

P.O. Box 691447

9127 Thrasher Avenue

Los Angeles, CA 90069

(866) 550-3934

www.jillkellyproductions.com

_Porn star Jill Kellys company, producers and distributors of adult videos._

Libido Films

P.O. Box 146721

Chicago, IL 60614

www.libido.com

_Former publishers of_ Libido _magazine, now producers of couples-oriented videos._

Metro

9315 Oso Street

Chatsworth, CA 91311

(888) 963-8769

www.metroglobal.com

_Mainstream producers/distributors of adult features, including couples-oriented videos._

Shanes World

13659 Victory Blvd. PMB 616

Van Nuys, CA 91401

www.shanesworld.com

_Distributed by The Odyssey Group, several video series include_ Shanes World _and the all-girl_ Slumber Party.

Sin City

9155 Deering Avenue

Chatsworth, CA 91311

(818) 407-9990

_Mainstream producers/distributors of adult features, including couples-oriented videos._

Sinclair Intimacy Institute

101 Conner Drive, Suite 302

Hillsborough, NC 27514

www.intimacyinstitute.com

_Producers of the Better Sex Video Series, couples-oriented instructional videos produced in cooperation with leading sexuality educators and therapists with commentary by experts and explicit demonstrations by couples._

S.I.R. Video

3288 21st Street PMB #94

San Francisco, CA 94110

(415) 978-0891

www.sirvideo.com

_Producers of how-to videos and lesbian-produced lesbian porn._

Studio A Entertainment

1625 Stanford Street

Santa Monica, CA 90404

(310) 450-2669

www.andrewblake.com

_Producer/distributor of director Andrew Blakes adult videos._

VCA

9650 De Soto Avenue

Chatsworth, CA 91311

(800) 421-2386

www.vcaexposed.com

_Mainstream producers/distributors of adult features, including couples-oriented videos._

Video Team

15753 Stagg Street

Van Nuys, CA 91406

(818) 997-3311

www.afro-centric.com

_Mainstream producers/distributors of adult videos, including the Afro-Centric line focused on people of color._

Vivid Film & Video

15127 Califa Street

Van Nuys, CA 91411

(800) 822-8339

www.vividvideo.com

_Mainstream producers/distributors of adult features, including couples-oriented videos._

Wicked Pictures

9040 Eton Avenue

Canoga Park, CA 91304

(818) 349-3593

www.wickedweb.com

_Mainstream producers/distributors of adult features, including couples-oriented videos._

Xplor Media/Homegrown Video

P.O. Box 420820

San Diego, CA 92142

(858) 541-0280

www.homegrownvideo.com

_Producers/distributors of amateur adult videos._

**9: Exploring BDSM**

BOOKS:

_The Bottoming Book: How to Get Terrible Things Done to You by Wonderful People,_ by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt (Emeryville, CA: Greenery Press, 1998).

_Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex,_ by Gloria G. Brame (New York: Fireside, 2000).

_The Compleat Spanker,_ by Lady Green (Emeryville, CA: Greenery Press, 1998).

_Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission,_ by Gloria Brame, Will Brame, and Jon Jacobs (New York: Villard, 1996).

_Flogging,_ by Joseph W. Bean (Emeryville, CA: Greenery Press, 2000).

_Jay Wisemans Erotic Bondage Handbook,_ by Jay Wiseman (Emeryville, CA: Greenery Press, 2000).

_Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/M Lovemaking,_ by Race Bannon (San Francisco: Daedelus Press, 1993).

_Leathersex: A Guide for the Curious Outsider and the Serious Player,_ by Joseph Bean (San Francisco: Daedalus Publishing Co., 1997).

_The Mistress Manual: The Good Girls Guide to Female Dominance,_ by Lorelei (Emeryville, CA: Greenery Press, 2000).

_Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism,_ by Philip Miller and Molly Devon (Fairfield, CT: Mystic Rose Books, 1996).

_The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners,_ by Lady Green (Emeryville, CA: Greenery Press, 1998).

_SM 101: A Realistic Introduction,_ by Jay Wiseman (Emeryville, CA: Greenery Press, 1998).

_The Topping Book: Or, Getting Good at Being Bad,_ by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt (Emeryville, CA: Greenery Press, 1998).

_Training with Miss Abernathy: A Workbook for Erotic Slaves and Their Owners,_ by Christina Abernathy (Emeryville, CA: Greenery Press, 1998).

_When Someone You Love Is Kinky,_ by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt (Emeryville, CA: Greenery Press, 2000).

VIDEOS:

_Learning the Ropes_ series, directed by Frank Zee and Ona Zee (Ona Zee Productions), 85 minutes each.

BDSM RETAILERS:

Adam and Gillians Sensual Whips & Toys

c/o Utopian Network

P.O. Box 1146

New York, NY 10156

(631) 842-1711

www.aswgt.com

_Whips, paddles, straps, canes, and other BDSM equipment._

Aslan Leather

Box 102, Stn. B

Toronto,Ontario M5T 2T3, Canada

(416) 306-0462

www.aslanleather.com

_Women-owned and -run maker of leather and vinyl dildo harnesses and BDSM accoutrements._

Dressing for Pleasure

590 Valley Road

Upper Montclair, NJ 07043

www.dfp.com

(888) 746-4202

_Retail store and mail-order catalog of BDSM toys and clothing, specializing in fetishwear._

Heartwood Whips of Passion

P.O. Box 490

Herndon, VA 20172

(703) 834-0757

www.heartwoodwhips.com

_Makers of leather and rubber floggers and whips._

Lashes by Sarah

P.O. Box 5245

Oakland, CA 94605

www.lashesbysarah.com

_Makers of leather and rubber floggers and whips._

Leather Man

111 Christopher Street

New York, NY 10014

(212) 243-5339

www.theleatherman-nyc.com

_Retail store of leather clothing, BDSM equipment, and sex toys._

Purple Passion

242 West 16th Street

New York, NY 10011

(212) 807-0486

www.purplepassion.com

_Retail store of fetishwear, BDSM equipment, and sex toys._

Mr. S Leathers/Fetters

310 7th Avenue

San Francisco, CA 94103

(415) 863-7764

_Worlds largest leather and latex manufacturer and retailer._

The Stockroom/JTs

2140 Hyperion Avenue

Los Angeles, CA 90027

(800) 755-TOYS

www.stockroom.com

_Retail and mail-order BDSM and bondage gear._

Stormy Leather

1158 Howard Street

San Francisco, CA 94103

(800) 486-9650

www.stormyleather.com

_Retailer and producer of leather and latex fetishwear, dildo harnesses, and sex toys._

**Other Books**

_The Art of Sexual Ecstasy: The Path of Sacred Sexuality for Western Lovers,_ by Margo Anand (New York: Putnam, 1991).

_The Art of Tantric Sex: Ancient Techniques and Rituals That Enhance Sexual Pleasure,_ by Nitya Lacroix (New York: DK Publishing, 1997).

_Bi Any Other Name: Bisexual People Speak Out,_ by Loraine Hutchins and Lani Kaahumanu (Los Angeles: Alyson Publications, 1991).

_Big Big Love: A Sourcebook on Sex for People of Size and Those Who Love Them,_ by Hanne Blank (Emeryville, CA: Greenery Press, 2000).

_The Essential Tantra: A Modern Guide to Sacred Sexuality,_ by Kenneth Ray Stubbs (New York: Putnam, 2000).

_The Hormone of Desire: The Truth About Testosterone, Sexuality and Menopause,_ by Susan Rako, M.D. (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999).

_The Red Thread of Passion: Spirituality and the Paradox of Sex,_ by David Guy (Boston: Shambhala Publications, 1999).

_Tantra: The Art of Conscious Loving,_ by Charles and Caroline Muir (San Francisco: Mercury House, 1990).

**Other Videos**

_Annie Sprinkles Herstory of Porn,_ directed by Annie Sprinkle (EroSpirit Research Institute, 1999), 69 minutes.

_Nina Hartleys Making Love to Men,_ directed by Nina Hartley (Adam & Eve, 2000), 140 minutes.

_Nina Hartleys Making Love to Women,_ directed by Nina Hartley (Adam & Eve, 2000), 140 minutes.

**Sex-Toy Stores and Catalogs**

Adam and Eve

P.O. Box 200

Carrboro, NC 27510

(919) 644-1212

(800) 274-0333

www.adameve.com

_Mainstream mail-order catalog of toys, videos, lingerie._

A Womans Touch

600 Williamson Street

Madison, WI 53703

(608) 250-1928

www.a-womans-touch.com

_Woman-owned and -run retail store of toys, books, and safer sex supplies._

Blowfish

2261 Market Street #284

San Francisco, CA 94114

(415) 252-4340

(800) 325-2569

www.blowfish.com

_Mail-order catalog of toys, books, and videos._

Cetra Latex-Free Supplies

(888) LATEX-NO

www.latexfree.com

_Supplier of nitrile, vinyl, and polyurethane safer sex materials._

Come Again Erotic Emporium

353 E. 53rd Street

New York, NY 10022

(212) 308-9394

_Store and mail-order catalog of toys, books, and lingerie._

Come As You Are

701 Queen Street West

Toronto, Ontario M6J 1E6, Canada

(877) 858-3160

www.comeasyouare.com

_Worker-owned cooperative retail store and mail-order catalog of books, toys, and videos; also offers classes and workshops._

Crimson Phoenix

1876 SW 5th Avenue

Portland, OR 97201

(503) 228-0129

www.crimsonphoenix.org

_Retail store of books, toys, and novelties._

Eves Garden

119 W. 57th Street #420

New York, NY 10019-2383

(212) 757-8651

(800) 848-3837

www.evesgarden.com

_Woman-owned and -run feminist store and catalog of toys, books, and videos._

Fetishes Boutique

704 S. 5th Street

Philadelphia, PA 19147

(215) 829-4986

www.fetishesboutique.com

_Retail store of sex toys, BDSM equipment, and fetishwear._

Forbidden Fruit

108 East North Loop Blvd.

Austin, TX 78751

(800) 315-2029

www.forbiddenfruit.com

_Woman-owned and run retail store of toys, books, and videos._

Good for Her

171 Harbord Street

Toronto, Ontario M5S 1H5, Canada

(877) 588-0900

www.goodforher.com

_Woman-owned and -run retail store and mail-order catalog of books, toys, and videos; also offers classes and workshops._

Good Vibrations

1210 Valencia Street

San Francisco, CA 94110

(415) 974-8980 SF store

(510) 841-8987 Berkeley store

(415) 974-8990 mail order

www.goodvibes.com

_Worker-owned cooperative retail stores and mail-order catalog of books, toys, and videos; also offers classes and workshops._

Grand Opening!

318 Harvard Street #32

Arcade Building, Coolidge Corner

Brookline, MA 02146

(617) 731-2626

www.grandopening.com

_Woman-owned and -run retail store and mail-order catalog of books, toys, and videos; also offers classes and workshops._

Intimacies

28 Center Street

Northampton, MA 01060

(413) 582-0709

www.intimaciesonline.com

_Woman-owned and -run retail store of books, toys, and videos; also offers classes and workshops._

Its My Pleasure

3106 NE 64th

Portland, OR 97213

(503) 280-8080

_Women-focused retail store of books, toys, and videos._

Loveseason

4001 198th Street SW #7

Lynnwood, WA 98036

(800) 500-8843

_Retail store and mail-order catalog of toys, videos, books, and lingerie._

Miko Exoticwear

653 North Main St.

Providence, RI 02904

(401) 421-6646

www.mikoexoticwear.com

_Retail and wholesale toys, books, and fetishwear._

Pleasure Chest

7733 Santa Monica Blvd.

West Hollywood, CA 90046

(213) 650-1022 store

(800) 75-DILDO mail order

www.thepleasurechest.com

_Retail store and catalog of toys and clothing._

Toys in Babeland

707 E. Pike Street

Seattle, WA 98122

(206) 328-2914 store

(800) 658-9119 mail order

94 Rivington Street

New York, NY 10002

(212) 375-1701

www.babeland.com

_Woman-owned and -run retail stores and mail-order catalog of books, toys, and videos; also offers classes and workshops._

WomynsWare

896 Commercial Drive

Vancouver, BC V5L 3Y5, Canada

(604) 254-2543

www.womynsware.com

_Woman-owned and -run retail store and mail-order catalog of books, toys, and videos._

Xandria Collection

165 Valley Drive

Brisbane, CA 94005

(415) 468-3812

(800) 242-2823

www.xandria.com

_Mainstream mail-order catalog of toys, videos, and lingerie._

**Hot Lines**

Centers for Disease Control National AIDS Clearinghouse

(800) 342-AIDS

www.cdcnac.com

National AIDS Hotline

(800) 342-2437

National STD Hotline

(800) 227-8922

Planned Parenthood

(800) 230-PLAN

www.ppfa.org

San Francisco Sex Information

(415) 989-7374

www.sfsi.org

**Web Sites**

AltSex

www.altsex.org

_BDSM information._

Erotica Readers Association

www.erotica-readers.com

_Erotic fiction, reviews, and links; one of the best erotica sources on the web._

Janes Net Sex Guide

www.janesguide.com

_Sex-related Web site reviews._

Sexuality Information and Education Council of the U.S.

www.siecus.org

_Sex education information._

Society for Human Sexuality

www.sexuality.org

_Extensive library and resources on sexuality._

**Workshops**

_Many of the stores listed above offer workshops. Contact individual locations for details._

Betty Dodson

P.O. Box 1933

Murray Hill Station

New York, NY 10156


Input: Create a list of workshop providers specializing in sexual education, healing, and erotic spirituality. Include contact information such as phone numbers, websites, and physical addresses. Also provide a brief description of the type of workshops each provider offers, such as one-on-one masturbation coaching, BDSM activities, tantra and Taoist principles, and feminist and lesbian sexuality online workshops.

Response:
(212) 679-4240

www.bettydodson.com

_Conducts one-on-one masturbation coaching sessions in New York City area._

Body Electric School

6527-A Telegraph Avenue

Oakland, CA 94609

(510) 653-1594

www.bodyelectric.org

_San Francisco–area workshops in sexual healing and erotic spirituality, including tantra and Taoist principles._

The Fairy Butch Dynasty

www.fairybutch.com

_San Francisco–area workshops taught by Good Vibrations veteran and sex-advice columnist Karlyn Lotney._

FetishDiva Midori

P.O. Box 330064

San Francisco, CA 94133

(415) 584-5200

www.fetishdiva.com

_Offers workshops as well as one-on-one sessions in a variety of BDSM activities._

QSM

P.O. Box 880154

San Francisco, CA 94188

(415) 550-7776

www.qualitysm.com

_San Francisco–area BDSM workshops taught by various leading experts._

Vulva University

c/o House O Chicks

2215-R Market Street #813

San Francisco, CA 94114

(415) 861-9849

www.houseochicks.com

_Feminist and lesbian sexuality online workshops._