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-{"input": "1. Q: What is the main focus of Chapter 1?\nA: The main focus of Chapter 1 is sexual play and the importance of embracing our complexity and diversity in sexual experiences. It introduces a new vocabulary for sex and highlights the benefits of sexual play as a form of self-expression and connection.\n2. Q: What is the purpose of the anatomy review in Chapter 2?\nA: The purpose of the anatomy review in Chapter 2 is to provide a comprehensive understanding of the sexual organs and their functions. It covers both male and female anatomy, including the clitoris, vagina, and penis, and discusses the role of each in sexual pleasure.\n3. Q: What is the significance of the \"One Is Not Always Enough\" section in Chapter 2?\nA: The \"One Is Not Always Enough\" section in Chapter 2 emphasizes the importance of variety in sexual experiences. It encourages readers to explore different types of sexual activities and to communicate with their partners about their desires and needs.\n4. Q: What is the myth of the definitive orgasm discussed in Chapter 3?\nA: The myth of the definitive orgasm is the belief that there is only one \"right\" way to experience an orgasm. This chapter challenges that myth by discussing the various types of orgasms, including combination orgasms, surface orgasms, and depth orgasms.\n5. Q: What is the nonphysical component of orgasm discussed in Chapter 4?\nA: The nonphysical component of orgasm discussed in Chapter 4 includes the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual aspects of sexual experiences. It explores the role of chemistry, emotional orgasms, and the power of fantasy in enhancing sexual pleasure.\n6. Q: What is the significance of the feminine in the spiritual experience of orgasm discussed in Chapter 5?\nA: The significance of the feminine in the spiritual experience of orgasm is that it emphasizes the importance of intuition, feelings, and oneness in achieving a transcendent sexual experience. It also discusses the role of tantra, kundalini, and meditation in connecting with the divine.\n7. Q: What are some variations in desire discussed in Chapter 6?\nA: Some variations in desire discussed in Chapter 6 include differences in libido, sexual orientation, and preferences. It also discusses the impact of hormonal changes, medications, and aging on sexual desire.\n8. Q: What is the role of negative messages in Chapter 7?\nA: The role of negative messages in Chapter 7 is to explore how societal and cultural attitudes towards sex can impact an individual's sexual self-esteem and expression. It discusses the impact of sexual abuse and the importance of recovery.\n9. Q: What is the significance of communication in relationships discussed in Chapter 8?\nA: The significance of communication in relationships discussed in Chapter 8 is that it emphasizes the importance of communication in achieving satisfying sexual experiences. It discusses the power of both saying \"no\" and \"yes\" and the importance of asserting oneself and communicating desires and boundaries.\n10. Q: What is the role of the PC muscle in penetration discussed in Chapter 9?\nA: The role of the PC muscle in penetration discussed in Chapter 9 is that it is responsible for controlling the contractions of the vagina during penetration. Strengthening the PC muscle can enhance sexual pleasure and improve control during sex.\n11. Q: What is the relationship of orgasm to ejaculation discussed in Chapter 10?\nA: The relationship of orgasm to ejaculation discussed in Chapter 10 is that they are not necessarily the same thing. While ejaculation is often associated with male orgasm, it is possible to have an orgasm without ejaculation. The chapter also discusses the power of ejaculation and its role in empowerment and sexual expression.", "response": "\n\nTable of Contents\n\n  \n\n\nTitle Page\n\nAcknowledgments\n\nForeword\n\nIntroduction\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 1 - SEXUAL PLAY\n\nA New Vocabulary for Sex\n\nThe Best Medicine\n\nEmbracing Our Complexity and Diversity\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 2 - WHAT WORKS, WHAT DOESN\u2019T, AND WHY\n\nAn Anatomy Review\n\nAn Oral Review\n\nPenetration\n\nHow to Ask\n\nMasturbation\n\nVibrators\n\nVariety of Pleasures\n\nOne Is Not Always Enough\n\nEmotional Erogenous Zones\n\nTuning In\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 3 - THE PHYSICAL EXPERIENCE OF ORGASM\n\nThe Myth of the Definitive Orgasm\n\nBeyond Vaginal and Clitoral\n\nCombination Orgasms\n\nSurface Versus Depth\n\nPulsing and Contractions\n\nPregnancy and Orgasm\n\nA Vocabulary for Orgasm\n\nMultiple Orgasms\n\nNotes\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 4 - THE ENERGETIC EXPERIENCE OF ORGASM\n\nThe Nonphysical Components of Orgasm\n\nChemistry: A Psychic Connection\n\nEmotional Orgasms\n\nThe Intellectual Component: Focusing the Mind\n\nAftershocks\n\nSimultaneous and Empathic Orgasms\n\nEnergy Movement Within the Body\n\nAlignment\n\nVisuals\n\nThe Power of Fantasy\n\nSound\n\nExtended Orgasm\n\nNotes\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 5 - THE SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE OF ORGASM\n\nThe Feminine\n\nIntuition and Feelings\n\nSeparation, Oneness, and Passion\n\nTantra\n\nKundalini\n\nThe Breath\n\nMeditation\n\nLove, Sex, and Sanity\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 6 - THE ELUSIVE ORGASM\n\nVariations in Desire\n\nHysterectomies, Medications, and Aging\n\nDisappearing Orgasms\n\nRecognizing an Orgasm\n\nAnorgasmic Women\n\nCultural Conditioning\n\nLearning to Come\n\nGreat Expectations\n\nThe Need to Please\n\nFaking Orgasm\n\nDo Men Know When We\u2019re Faking It?\n\nNotes\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 7 - EARLY SEXUAL EXPERIENCES\n\nA Child\u2019s View of Sex\n\nGrowing Up Without Information\n\nEmbracing Our Passion\n\nNegative Messages\n\nWhy Some of Us Love Our Sexual Selves and Some of Us Don\u2019t\n\nWhen Sex Is Sex and When It\u2019s Not\n\nSexual Abuse of Children\n\nRecovery\n\nNotes\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 8 - RELATIONSHIPS\n\nBodies\n\nTake Your Time\n\nPartners\n\nWithholding Feelings\n\nA Great Love Doesn\u2019t Always Guarantee Great Sex\n\nCommunication\n\nThe Power of No\n\nThe Power of Yes\n\nGetting Turned On\n\nDealing with Difficult Feelings\n\nGetting Down to Business\n\nTake a Risk, But Don\u2019t Take It Seriously\n\nAsserting Ourselves\n\nClaiming Our Passion\n\nIt Hurts So Good\n\nFears Versus Passion\n\nNotes\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 9 - PENETRATION AND THE G-SPOT\n\nLubrication\n\nThe PC Muscle\n\nPenetration Is Not Essential\n\nBut Some of Us Really Love It!\n\nVirginity: The Arduous Process of Losing It\n\nEnjoying Penetration\n\nThe Astounding Vagina\n\nTaking It Slowly\n\nThe G-Spot\n\nLocation, Location, Location\n\nToys\n\nTo Use a Dildo\u2026or Not Use a Dildo\n\nOde to the Dildo\n\nOther Orifices\n\nNotes\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 10 - EJACULATION, FISTING, AND ANAL SEX\n\nThe G-Spot and Ejaculation\n\nWhat Is It and Where Does It Come From?\n\nWho? When? How Much?\n\nThe Relationship of Orgasm to Ejaculation\n\nThe Power of Ejaculation\n\nVaginal Fisting\n\nThe How-tos of Vaginal Fisting\n\nVaginal Fisting and Orgasms\n\nAnal Sex\n\nNotes\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 11 - THE PURPOSE OF ORGASM\n\nFrom Pain to Pleasure, and Beyond\u2026\n\nResponsible Sex, Responsible Living\n\nWorking with Energy\n\nEmpowerment\n\nNotes\n\n  \n\n\nAPPENDIX A: SAFER SEX\n\nAPPENDIX B: RESOURCES\n\nAPPENDIX C: QUESTIONNAIRE\n\nABOUT THE AUTHOR\n\nCopyright Page\n"}
-{"input": " Q: Describe the physical sensation of a powerful orgasm using vivid and imaginative language. Compare it to natural or cosmic phenomena to emphasize its intensity and transformative power.", "response": "\n\n_I can lose myself completely in a powerful orgasm._   \n_It\u2019s like being ripped out from inside._   \n_It\u2019s like planets colliding._   \n_Yes, the earth moves, but not before the Milky Way dissolves._\n"}
-{"input": " Q: Compose the Acknowledgments section for a nonfiction book on female sexuality. Include the names and roles of various contributors, such as interviewees, authors, sex educators, therapists, and organizations. Provide context for their contributions, such as book titles, quotes, and interviews.", "response": "\n\n**Acknowledgments**\n\nMy heartfelt thanks to: Jesse Cougar, Caryn McClosky, Barbara Taylor, Joy Schulenburg, and Victoria Baker for their time, feedback, and support. Barbara, Bonnie, Bluejay, Catrayl, Carolyn, Chris, Cora, D\u2019Arcy, Deborah, Devorah, Diane, Donna, Doris, Jacq, Jana, Judy, Kay, Laurie, Linci, Lisa Halse, Lisa Sacks, Maggie, Maluma, Maria, Marya, Molly, Nancy, Nora, Nyna, Pat, Robin, Sage, Sari, Tine, Tui, Vika, and all the other wonderful women who spent time talking with me or completed a questionnaire; also Bee, Dave, Rayner, and Wolfgang.\n\nThe following people had private conversations with me and are quoted in the text: Lonnie Barbach, PhD, is the author of _For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality_ , among many other books. Author and sex educator Joani Blank founded Good Vibrations, the first womancentered sex toy store in the U.S. Jwala is a Tantra teacher and the author of _Sacred Sex: Ecstatic Techniques for Empowering Relationships_. Dorrie Lane is the creator of the Wondrous Vulva Puppet. Anna Marti is an intimacy coach and speaker on bridging esoteric tantric teaching and western psychotherapeutic and somatic practices. Some of her quotes appeared in an interview conducted by the Society for Human Sexuality. NightOwl is a pagan writer and sex activist. Some of her quotes appeared in an interview conducted by the Society for Human Sexuality. Dr. Annie Sprinkle is an artist, sexologist, ecosexual, author, lecturer, and educator. Some of her quotes are from her DVD _Sluts and Goddesses_. Dr. Joan Spiegel is a sex therapist, psychologist, and homeopath. David Steinberg is the author of _Erotic by Nature: A Celebration of Life, of Love, and of Our Wonderful Bodies_ and _Photo Sex: Fine Art Sexual Photography Comes of Age_. Deborah Sundahl is the producer of many DVDs on female ejaculation. She is the author of _Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot: Not Your Mother\u2019s Orgasm Book!_ Patricia Huntington Taylor is author of _The Enchantment of Opposites: How to Create Great Relationships_.\n\nThe following people are quoted in the text of the book: Carolyn Gage is a lesbian author and playwright. Janet W. Hardy is co-author of _The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures_. Alex Robboy, L.S.W., is a sex therapist and founder of the Center for Growth Inc. and How to Have Good Sex Inc. Beverly Whipple, PhD, co-author of _The G Spot: And Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality_, and Janet Lever, PhD, author of _The Great Sex Weekend: A 48-Hour Guide to Rekindling Sparks for Bold, Busy, or Bored Lovers_ , were both very helpful.\n"}
-{"input": " Write a foreword for a nonfiction book on female orgasms. Discuss the personal impact the book had on you, including any misconceptions you held before reading it and how the book helped you overcome them. Address the various types of women who may benefit from reading the book, from those who struggle with orgasms to those who have them easily. Encourage the reader to approach the book as a tool to enhance their understanding and enjoyment of their own sexuality. Sign off with your name and location.", "response": "\n\n**FOREWORD**\n\n\u201cI really need help,\u201d the email read. \u201cI feel like a great big loser of a woman because I can\u2019t have an orgasm.\u201d Arriving in my inbox from a total stranger, the long email detailed a personal struggle with a very private issue, one she had not shared with anyone. But she shared it with me, and she was not the first, or the only one.\n\nNot being able to have an orgasm, or what she thought was the right kind of orgasm, had pushed her to the point of desperation, made her feel frighteningly alone, like she was a \u201closer,\u201d that she had somehow let down the sisterhood of all women, and that not only was she doing something wrong, but that she was also likely broken in some way that could never be fixed.\n\nLike my email advice seeker, who signed off \u201cFrustrated in Seattle,\u201d many women have a lot riding on orgasm. It goes deeper than self-esteem. It gets to the very heart of what makes many of us feel like women. It validates our personhood in our gender and our bodies. It\u2019s something that represents our power, our true ownership of our bodies.\n\nTake this away, or make it feel unattainable or wrong, and you take from a woman one of the things that is truly hers. Withhold it, and we somehow feel like we\u2019re not complete.\n\nI think you know what I mean. Growing up, I always had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that there was some orgasm \u201cideal\u201d that I was not attaining, or should be very, very worried I would not be able to have.\n\nWhile my experience was not as frustrating as \u201cFrustrated,\u201d I knew I was able to have them\u2014by myself. But for some weird reason, I believed that the only \u201creal\u201d way for me to have one was to have it with a partner, and from penis-vagina penetration.\n\nUntil I read the first edition of Mikaya Heart\u2019s book years ago, I had no idea how this notion had entered my brain. Nor especially how something so absolute and so negative and so personal had taken root so firmly. I don\u2019t remember anyone telling me as a young woman that any kind of orgasm was any more valid than another. Or that I would be incomplete if I did not come in a certain way, with a guy. Yet for some reason I really felt that way, and it wasn\u2019t until I started to ask myself where this idea came from that I realized that it was not a value of my own. It was someone else\u2019s.\n\nLet me confess right now that I didn\u2019t know how, where, or when I had allowed my orgasms to be defined (or validated) by someone else. They just were.\n\nThis book changed everything for me: my orgasms, my relationship with sex, my relationship with my orgasms, and how I shared my orgasms (or not) with other people. I\u2019ve recommended this book to hundreds, thousands of women over the years. Like me, each woman has had her own \u201cah ha!\u201d moment between these pages. You can probably guess that for me it began with learning that I had grown up with cultural values instilled in me that were actually over a hundred years old. Basically, Freud had said that women had \u201cimmature\u201d orgasms with the clitoris, and only \u201cmature\u201d (read: \u201creal\u201d) orgasms from intercourse\u2014vaginal\u2014sex. And as a sex educator, I knew how many impossible standards this drivel, taken as gospel, had put into place.\n\nIt boggled my mind that my generation of women could be still living under social rules about women\u2019s orgasms from so long ago. But when I read about it, I realized I had found a definition for what my head had  decided was a \u201creal\u201d orgasm or not. And the realization that it was not my definition at all, that it was from outside me, brought me a sense of relief. It also gave me the power to reject it.\n\nStill. It\u2019s easy to read all of the popular sex-ed books and feel like you\u2019re somehow missing out. So-and-so porn star can have orgasms when she blinks. That trendy bestseller will tell you there\u2019s a \u201cmagic button\u201d hidden somewhere inside of your ladyparts, and if you can\u2019t find it, well, _we\u2019re sorry_. _Good luck_.\n\nThere\u2019s always something lurking around the corner to bully your orgasm into not showing up, or when she does, to make her feel like she\u2019s wearing the same dress to the party as she did last year. And there\u2019s lipstick on her teeth. She felt great, but little did she realize there was something not-so-great about her the whole time.\n\nYou will always read these things and feel like you don\u2019t stack up. That you\u2019re missing out. That you\u2019ll never reach the summit. So I\u2019d like to encourage you to think of these things like a glass door between you and your pleasure. And think of this book like a gentle brick\u2014or a key, if you prefer a more subtle metaphor\u2014to get you through to the other side.\n\nI recommended this book to \u201cFrustrated,\u201d and I recommend it to all women\u2014not just those of us who can\u2019t get to where we think we should be with orgasm. This book is for all women. Ones who are lucky and have orgasms readily, repeatedly, and easily; those who find them insanely frustratingly elusive; and women who have no idea where to even begin\u2014as well as women who once had them and want them back. It\u2019s a luscious, eye-opening, practical, and entertaining read. It is impossible to read this book and not learn something you really value about orgasms.\n\nI\u2019ve never been able to keep a copy of this book for long. And to me, that\u2019s the ultimate compliment. I will continue to buy this book for all of my friends who borrow it and never return it. We\u2019re worth it.\n\n  \n\n\nViolet Blue   \nSan Francisco\n"}
-{"input": " Write an introduction for the second edition of your book on female orgasms. Discuss the changes made in this edition compared to the first, including the removal of your personal story and the addition of sidebars and anatomy illustrations. Mention the impact the book has had on readers' sex lives since its initial publication. Comment on the current state of sexual education and attitudes towards sex, highlighting progress made and areas for improvement. Share your motivation for writing the book and the value of personal experiences in understanding female sexuality. Explain your decision to include input from a diverse group of women, including those who are not satisfied with their sex lives. Provide guidance on how to use the book, emphasizing that it is not a prescriptive guide but rather a resource for exploring individual sexual preferences and enjoyment. Sign off with your name.", "response": "\n\n**INTRODUCTION**\n\nIn 1998, I published the first edition of this book, which was titled _When the Earth Moves: Women and Orgasm_. Since then, I have received numerous letters from readers telling me how much their sex lives have improved as a result of this book. This edition is a little shorter and easier on the eyes, with the addition of sidebars and anatomy illustrations. I have deleted my personal story of healing from a childhood of sexual abuse, as that story is now available in my memoir ( _My Sweet Wild Dance_ ), although you will still find many references to my own experience throughout the text.\n\nIn the last twelve years, with the advent of the Internet, a number of forums for discussion about sex have opened up. Some very good books about sex have been written, and books about sex are more easily available than ever. In most parts of the Western world, sex is generally accepted as a normal and delightful human activity, and children are offered real opportunities for education about sex. In spite of the religious right, we are no longer stuck in the days when women were told, _sex is dirty, save it for your husband._\n\nAnd still, we have a way to go in the process of waking up to the true depth and breadth of human sexuality. Sexuality is both a great gift and a valuable tool that can enable us to experience the wisdom and joy of our bodies and help us to express our creativity. I believe that a healthy sex life makes for a healthy person, and I am unwilling to define what _healthy_ means for anyone but myself. I would like all of us to have the freedom to self-define, and I am very grateful that I have been fortunate enough to reach a place in my life where I am able to enjoy unbridled sexual passion. My initial inspiration in writing this book was the desire to share the insights and understandings that I have grasped in the personal process of stepping into my sexual power\u2014a long but very rewarding journey that healed me on a deep level, taking me to a place of great appreciation for the extraordinary potential we have as human beings.\n\nIn some societies, sex is regarded as a sacred act; in others it is regarded as an act of profanity. Yet there are women all over the world who experience sex as fulfilling and empowering. For many of us it can be deeply transformative and healing, bringing us to the realization that we are much more than physical bodies confined by the limits of flesh and blood. No matter what our sexual or spiritual orientation may be, we can use sex as the doorway to a profound personal awakening.\n\nI must say something about that word _spiritual_. Because it denotes a concept that many people find alienating, it\u2019s not a word I use very much. I am well aware that some people close off as soon as they hear or read it. However, our language is appallingly limited when it comes to discussing anything outside the physical arena. Because sex takes so many of us to a place beyond the physical, I find it impossible to discuss orgasm in any depth without referring to the spiritual, simply because there is no other word. I ask those of you who find that word difficult to transpose over it whatever meaning works for you. Above all, please do not equate it with any concept of God, gods, goddesses, or religions of any denomination.\n\nBecause sex is such an individual experience, it is vital to illustrate the huge variety of our sexual responses and feelings. In the course of writing this book, I interviewed twenty-six women and three men in considerable detail about their sex lives. My questionnaire (see Appendix C) was posted online and circulated by hand. The italicized quotes appearing throughout the book are from responses to the questionnaire or from the interviews, and they are credited where the individual requested it. (See Acknowledgments.) I have occasionally used a pseudonym where a discussion involves quoting from the same person several times. A few of the people quoted are personal friends who engaged in ongoing conversations with me in the process of my writing. These include Barbara, Laura, Joy, Jean, Victoria, Donna, Lisa, Terry, and Jesse, who was my lover at the time. I have also included my own experiences where they are relevant.\n\nThe women who are leading the way in the process of sexual reclamation are heterosexual, lesbian, and bisexual. Women who make love with other women have a vast body of firsthand information and a unique outlook on female sexuality. Therefore, while I have included a high proportion of heterosexual input, much of the information I\u2019ve presented is gleaned directly from lesbians and bisexual women. The value of their perceptions is not confined to same-sex relationships; it is very relevant to heterosexual women interested in expanding their sexual practices.\n\nI would like the reader to understand that most of the women I have interviewed are unusual; they are the ones who have been willing (and sometimes eager!) to talk about what sex is for them. Their experiences represent some of the possibilities within the range of female sexuality. Because I don\u2019t want to leave the reader with the idea that we are all having sex as good as those of us who are happy to talk about it, I have made an effort to include some women who are not satisfied with their sex lives. I am extremely grateful to the women who are not confident in their sexuality for being willing to talk to me; I know it wasn\u2019t always easy for them. Yet their input is vital, since women who aren\u2019t having great sex very often feel that there is something wrong with them, a feeling that prevents them from talking about their needs. Many women, including myself, have been in that place. I would like this book to foster the understanding that sex, like life, is a matter of individual preference; that experimentation is usually necessary to find out what you prefer; and that no one has any business judging you. No matter what you may hear to the contrary, there is no standard of normality that you, or anyone else, ought to adhere to.\n\nAlthough I have offered some pointers, this book won\u2019t give you detailed instructions of what to do when you are in bed with someone. If that\u2019s what you are looking for, see the Resources (Appendix B) for some excellent suggestions.\n\nI have included a few statistics about sexual responses, but when we are talking about something as controversial and subjective as sex, statistics are very questionable. Truthfully, people are more likely to lie about sex, consciously or unconsciously, than any other subject.\n\nYou don\u2019t need to read this book from front to back. Use the book in any way you want. Open it randomly and read the sidebars. Flip through the italicized quotes. Look up topics in the table of contents and explore whatever captures your fancy. Above all, don\u2019t take any of it too seriously. My intention is not to tell you what ought to be, only to offer up some choices. The most important thing about sex (and life) is to enjoy what feels good to you, however you\u2019re doing it.\n\n  \n\n\nMikaya Heart\n"}
-{"input": " Write a chapter on \"Sexual Play\" for a book about female orgasms. Discuss the importance of communication, laughter, and acceptance of diversity in sexual play. Explain the significance of developing a new vocabulary for sex and how it can be healing. Share definitions of terms used throughout the book, such as \"giver,\" \"receiver,\" and \"sexual play.\" Emphasize the importance of consensuality and negotiation in sexual interactions. Discuss the role of laughter in making sex more enjoyable and less serious. Explain the complexity and diversity of women's orgasms, including the fact that some women may not experience orgasms at all. Encourage acceptance of individual differences in sexuality and orgasm. Provide examples of women's descriptions of their orgasms to illustrate the diversity of experiences.", "response": "\n\n**CHAPTER** **1**\n\n**SEXUAL PLAY**\n\nLet\u2019s begin with the three facets of sexual play that I believe are the most important: communication, laughter, and acceptance of our remarkable diversity. I refer to these frequently throughout the book.\n\n#  **A New Vocabulary for Sex**\n\nI cannot stress too strongly how deeply healing it has been for me just to talk about sex. Speaking openly and honestly about my desires and listening to other women speak openly and honestly about theirs has released me from the veil of shame that shrouded the subject of sex when I was growing up. It has also been, and continues to be, incredibly informative. The learning process is ongoing. Our bodies are capable of the most extraordinary things, particularly when they are in a state of sexual arousal. And what limits our sexuality are the concepts we cling to of what we think is _meant_ to happen.\n\n_When you truly let your sexual energy flow freely throughout your entire being, you\u2019ll feel as though you\u2019re making love every moment of every day with everything and everyone\u2014even during a root canal._\n\n**\u2014DR. ANNIE SPRINKLE**\n\n  \n\n\nSex is like life. Our concepts of what sex is are shaped by our expectations; our expectations are shaped by our culture, and our culture is shaped by, and shapes, our language. The language we have available to us to talk about sex is minimal. Indeed, if it were anywhere close to adequate, we would have at least twenty different words to describe different kinds of orgasm. So here are definitions of a few terms you will read throughout the book.\n\nI often use the words _giver_ and _receiver_. The receiver is the one who is having something done to her, and might appear to be the more passive partner; the giver is the one who is doing, and might appear to be the more active partner. (Obviously there are times when this division is meaningless.)\n\nThe other term I frequently use is _sexual play_. It is vital that we view sex as a playful exchange, so that the games we engage in and the roles we adopt are openly acknowledged and discussed between willing participants. I do not use the term _foreplay_ , since it denotes a goal, a beginning and an end, and I\u2019ve never related to it. While there are (possibly) beginnings and ends to specific acts during particular sexual encounters, sexual undercurrents are going on all the time, between all kinds of people. Whether or not we choose to bring these undercurrents to the surface, and act on them, should _always_ be the result of consensual agreement between adults.\n\nTraditional sexual interchanges all too often involve one person initiating an act that the other person feels ambivalent about, due to her past experience, or the likelihood that she won\u2019t get her needs met, or both. _Consensuality_ and _negotiation_ are extremely important concepts that are sadly lacking in this kind of exchange. Good sex must always be fully consensual, which means that both partners consciously agree to it, rather than doing things a certain way by default.\n\nI occasionally use the word _fuck_ in this book, usually meaning the act of penetration. Like some of the other words we use when we\u2019re talking about sex, it can have negative connotations and mean different things to  different people. Make sure to check in\u2014do these words mean the same to the person you\u2019re talking with? If you are using a word that brings up unpleasant images for your partner, you will want to find an alternative.\n\n#  **The Best Medicine**\n\nWe have a romantic tendency to want sex to flow flawlessly and effortlessly. The need to have it this way often leads to tension and awkwardness. The best antidote to an overdose of seriousness is laughter; I\u2019m not talking about the inane \u201cdirty\u201d jokes that reinforce tiresome and damaging stereotypes, but loving laughter that stems from a down-to-earth feeling of joy.\n\n_The times I remember best are the times when there was laughter as well as passion._\n\n  \n\n\nWhether it\u2019s a giggle or a good, deep belly laugh, it\u2019s wonderful when lovers can roll around together in hilarity. The things that we get so anxious about, be they lack of orgasm, lack of erection, or anything else, are exactly the things that don\u2019t have to matter at all, and we need to learn to be flippant about them. If a man could look down at his limp penis and say, \u201cUh-oh, looks like it\u2019s not coming out to play today,\u201d or a woman, instead of faking it, could say, \u201cI can see this orgasm out of the corner of my eye, but I think it\u2019s running the other way,\u201d then we\u2019d be able to relax and have a good time, instead of fixating on what\u2019s _not_ happening.\n\n_Being goofy and playful takes me a lot further. Laughing breaks down a certain barrier that makes it possible to open up more sexually._\n\n  \n\n\nLaughter can also be part and parcel of an orgasm.\n\n_Once we were making love in a place where we had to be really quiet; when my lover came she was desperately trying to stifle her moans, but they kept breaking through as loud snorts, a mixture of laughter and sexual pleasure. We both laughed helplessly for several minutes, and the ripples of suppressed laughter shook my body just like an orgasm._\n\n  \n\n\nThese days, sex can be laden with fear of disease, and it may be difficult to be spontaneous. All the more reason to be able to laugh, as you drop the condom on the floor, or it splits as you\u2019re putting it on, or you roll off the edge of the bed as you\u2019re reaching for it.\n\n_When the telephone by the bed rang, I reflexively picked it up. It was a repairman telling me what was wrong with my computer and how difficult it would be to fix. And here I am, on my hands and knees, getting it really hard and really well doggie-style with this huge hard dick, on the verge of coming, and more or less shouting into the phone, \u201cOh yeah, whatever it takes, just do it. Do it. Do it! DO IT!\u201d And, the nice thing was, they both listened to me and did it._\n\n#  **Embracing Our Complexity and Diversity**\n\nThere is a vast complexity of possibility in women\u2019s orgasm, varying from whole body orgasm to clitoral or vaginal, from mental orgasm to intensely emotional ones. Consequently, it\u2019s very hard to produce a definition that applies universally, and such a definition could never encompass the enormous variety of what women call orgasm. As you will discover as you read further, there are women who can come as they walk across a room, and there are women who don\u2019t come at all. There are women who started having orgasms at the age of four, and there are women who started having them at the age of sixty-four. For some women, orgasm is an integral part of their sexuality, and they expect to have several every time they make love; other women are content _not_ having orgasms in a definable way\u2014or would be content, if they weren\u2019t made to feel abnormal or freakish.\n\nHaving orgasms, or not, is a personal thing. It varies as much as any other aspect of sexuality. Some women ejaculate; some don\u2019t. Some women enjoy penetration; some don\u2019t. Some women have huge orgasms; some have little ones. Some women have multiple orgasms; some women have one; some don\u2019t have anything they identify as an orgasm. Some women just aren\u2019t particularly sexual, and others are. Learning to orgasm might be a little like learning to ride a bicycle: it\u2019s an unconscious trick of the mind in combination with the body that makes someone suddenly  able to balance, where she couldn\u2019t do so before. Releasing our passion, and managing sexual and creative energy, is not usually something that can happen on a conscious level. It is related to the healing of the whole individual. What\u2019s important for all women is to go with what our bodies want at any given time, knowing that what is true in this moment _will_ change. It may be that women who don\u2019t come, or don\u2019t come easily, are not psychologically ready to experience what the orgasm will do to them: that intense, shocking alignment of body and soul that can occur with a strong orgasm. It is a very bad idea to be invested in _making_ yourself come, or in _making_ your partner come. You can\u2019t force something that can only happen naturally, and you won\u2019t achieve anything good by trying. Life is a series of phases, and most women go through phases when they aren\u2019t particularly sexual. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with _not_ being sexual.\n\nThat said, some of us have incredible experiences when we allow free flow to our sexual energy. What follows are a few of the lyrical descriptions of orgasm that I received:\n\n _I feel the sensation of my orgasms up inside me, and all the way out to my outer lips. They\u2019re deep, pulsing, throbbing, clenching. They\u2019re emotionally overwhelming and all-consuming!_\n\n  \n\n\n_The energy builds in my pelvis, or sometimes throughout my whole body, even my brow furrows. Everything gets pulled in to the point where the energy is pushed outward; that\u2019s the point of orgasm. I most often feel it go out through my feet or straight upward from my pelvis._\n\n  \n\n\n_I feel trembly and like I\u2019m headed to a cliff, then I\u2019m lifted up when I come, and float back down when I\u2019m done._\n\n  \n\n\n_I could be in a life-or-death situation and not stop if I was having an orgasm._\n\n  \n\n\n_My orgasms are a combination of water waves and electricity. The front of my body feels electrical from my shins up to my face. The rest of my body feels liquid, like waves washing through it. Exquisite is too small a word; I feel like my whole body has been hit with a baseball bat._\n\n  \n\n\n_I don\u2019t have the words for it, except that there is a buildup and then release and that I really enjoy it. Plus there is a lot of variation between orgasms; some even verge on boring but necessary._\n\n  \n\n\n_Orgasm is like a chord that resonates through my whole being, like total release, total fusion with my partner._\n\n  \n\n\n_My strongest orgasms feel like I am exploding in a ball of blue light, an intense deep blue. The lesser orgasms are like riding an undulating wave of intensity with blue flashes here and there along the way. The strongest leave me drenched in sweat, heart pounding, and exhausted. Even the lesser ones are very exciting._\n\n  \n\n\n_Orgasms are like rolling waves, sometimes sweet little ones, sometimes crashing thunder. They\u2019re about sensitivity, playfulness, love, and open sharing!_\n\n  \n\n\n_There is a feeling of surfacing, emerging (maybe like birth!)._\n\n  \n\n\n_For me, orgasm is a release of tension, especially if I\u2019m masturbating. There are definite muscle contractions, sometimes just a few, sometimes lots and lots that go on for quite a while. A very good orgasm with a partner is just completely overwhelming\u2014I can\u2019t even begin to describe it. I can orgasm basically whenever I want to, and sometimes in only a few seconds._\n\n  \n\n\n_An orgasm feels like being possessed by power, and then being flooded by it or flooding it._\n\n  \n\n\n_Trying to describe orgasms is really difficult, like trying to describe an acid trip. I usually feel tension building up\u2014a definite tingling or tickling, mainly in the pelvic region, also in my nipples. There\u2019s a sense of shortness-of-breath, as though I\u2019m very nervous. At the climax my whole body convulses. It feels like a rush of pleasure and heat starting with my clitoris and rushing quickly through my entire body, something like an electric shock. This happens in several waves with diminishing intensity. The first wave is very intense._\n\n  \n\n\n_Orgasm is a concentrated buzz that builds to an explosion throughout my body._\n\n  \n\n\n_Orgasm is an all-encompassing heat that increases in power and depth to an explosive and cleansing release._\n\n  \n\n\n_Orgasm is electrifying, my body held in position, frozen solid waiting for it to end, pounding, rising, warmth, elation, laughter, wild, crazy, like nothing matters except that one moment, everything else falls away. Swept up and up, a rush to beat all rushes. Trying to hold it, hold on, and slowly having it recede to end in calm contentment._\n"}
-{"input": " Write a chapter for a book about women's sexual experiences titled \"What Works, What Doesn't, and Why\". Discuss the importance of understanding female anatomy and sexual responses, including the role of emotional preparation and physical stimulation. Emphasize the diversity of sexual experiences and the need for open communication between partners. Provide detailed information about female anatomy, including the vulva, clitoris, and internal structures such as the urethral sponge and perineal sponge. Discuss different types of sexual stimulation, such as oral sex and penetration, and the importance of finding what works for each individual. Include tips for performing oral sex and the use of vibrators. Discuss the role of masturbation in understanding one's own sexual responses and the importance of self-exploration. Address common misconceptions about masturbation and the benefits of this practice. Finally, emphasize the importance of tuning in to one's own body and one's partner's body for a fulfilling sexual experience.", "response": "\n\n**CHAPTER** **2**\n\n**WHAT WORKS, WHAT DOESN\u2019T, AND WHY**\n\n_The \u201chow\u201d of sex has to do with getting my lover to set the stage, to prepare me emotionally first\u2014to create a sense of safety, slowly, lovingly, attentively\u2014to open me up physically before approaching my genitals._\n\nSexual responses are as varied as physical appearance, and having an orgasm is by no means all that women need from sex. However, most women want to have an orgasm or two at some point, and many do need specific kinds of stimulation. Some basic information about women\u2019s anatomy might help you understand women\u2019s experiences with orgasm.\n\nWe are so hung up about and divorced from our bodies in Western culture that couples are often too embarrassed to really study one another\u2019s bodies, and end up fumbling around in the dark. Unfortunately, the erotic parts of the body don\u2019t contain magnets that will automatically draw fingers, tongues, penises, or any other desirable object to them. And fumbling doesn\u2019t generally lead to a delightfully sensual experience. Given  that women\u2019s anatomy varies so much, it\u2019s a good idea for anyone who is making love to a woman to take the time to admire what she\u2019s got between her legs and familiarize themselves with her physical parts.\n\n#  **An Anatomy Review**\n\nMany people assume that female sexual organs consist of the vagina and the clitoris. In fact, the part that is actually visible from the outside is the _vulva_ **,** which is comprised of the _inner_ and _outer labia,_ the _glans_ of the _clitoris,_ and the _clitoral hood_ (which often obscures the glans until you either pull it back, or she becomes aroused). Even today, girls may grow up in total ignorance of the existence of their clitoris and vagina; in fact, for many girls, it is the use of a tampon that first introduces them to the vagina. But if they wash down there, they know what the vulva feels like.\n\n  \n\n\n**Female Anatomy (External)**\n\nApart from the fact that knowing what is where greatly facilitates lovemaking, vulvas are beautiful to look at. Sadly, it is not just those who love women who need to learn to love vulvas, it is also the women who own them; many of us are repulsed by our own genitals. How can you experience sex as loving when you feel that way about your sexual parts? There are plenty of ways to go about learning to love yourself. First, familiarize yourself with your own vulva, using a mirror. You can put the mirror on the floor and squat over it, and then pull your lips aside with your fingers to see what\u2019s really there. You may also want to check out what you look like when you are aroused because the color and shape can change quite dramatically.\n\nFemale genitals vary enormously in size, shape, color, and amount of hair. Familiarizing yourself with other women\u2019s genitals will reassure you that yours aren\u2019t weird. If you don\u2019t want to or aren\u2019t able to do this firsthand, there are several books with excellent illustrations. The best of these is _Femalia_ (edited by Joani Blank, published by Last Gasp). Other suggestions are listed in the Resources.\n\n  \n\n\n**Female Anatomy (Internal)**\n\nKnowledge of anatomy also helps to make sense of sexual response. The clitoris is actually much bigger than the little nub of hard flesh (the glans) that I manipulated to achieve my first orgasm. The clitoris consists of hard tissue with legs (or wings, technically referred to as _crura)_ that extend into the walls of the vagina and are surrounded by spongy tissue that swells when a woman is aroused. When the clitoris is erect the glans gets bigger and protrudes from under its hood.\n\nThe _perineal sponge_ is a pad of spongy erectile tissue that lies between the rectum and the rear wall of the vagina, and the _urethral sponge_ is another pad of spongy erectile tissue that lies between the urethral canal (which leads to the bladder) and the front wall of the vagina. They can both be felt through the walls of the vagina, and they tend to be the most erotically sensitive parts of the vagina. The part of the urethral sponge that you can feel from inside the vagina is known as the _G-spot._ It is homologous to the male prostate gland, and some women find it to be highly sensitive.\n\nThe sexual organs are supported by a sling of muscle called the _pubococcygeal,_ or _PC_ , _muscle_.\n\nThe word _clitoris_ is occasionally used as a catch-all term that refers to all of a woman\u2019s sex organs. I think this is a little confusing, but it does help to change the ridiculous perception that female genitalia consist of separate and distinct parts. The whole area is interconnected with an intricate web of muscles, nerves, and blood vessels. When the glans of the clitoris is stimulated, _all_ of her erectile tissue, including the urethral sponge and the perineal sponge, will probably swell, and vice versa.\n\nThe urethral opening is between the vaginal entrance and the clitoral hood. You can see it if you pull your inner labia apart; it is a small hole, with a slight mound around it. Laura, a nurse, reports that once she had a female patient whose urethral opening was actually inside her vagina and therefore not visible at all. So if your anatomy is different, it doesn\u2019t necessarily mean something is wrong.\n\nThe urethral opening may be quite sensitive to touch. Many women find it very arousing to be stroked in that area.\n\nThe vagina is often thought of as a hole. In fact, the only time it is visible as a hole is when the erectile tissue around the entrance is engorged, which usually happens when a woman is very aroused. At other times the entrance to the vagina may be quite difficult to find. If you\u2019re searching in vain for your partner\u2019s vagina, it probably means your partner is not yet  sufficiently aroused or ready for penetration. Moreover, in its resting state, the vagina is not an empty space. The muscles that form the walls of the vagina lie against each other, so that there is no space between them. As a woman becomes aroused, the muscles contract and pull away from each other, forming a cave.\n\n#  **An Oral Review**\n\nMany women find the glans of the clitoris too sensitive to take any direct touch. You can have plenty of fun stimulating the clitoris in different ways: grasping the shaft between your fingers; stroking the place at the base of the inner lips where the legs of the clitoris lie under the skin; stroking the glans just above or below the hood, or through the labia (which are fairly stretchy). Often there is a very specific spot, usually to one side of the glans, that\u2019s more sensitive than any other. Ask!\n\nUsing your tongue on any of the same places can be wonderful. Many women tend to be paranoid that their lovers don\u2019t like going down on them. However, all the men who filled in the men\u2019s questionnaire said they did. Here are responses from a few of them:\n\n _Cunnilingus is usually my favorite part of sex._\n\n  \n\n\n_Oh yes, that\u2019s my favorite part; I do that at least 90 percent of the time._\n\n  \n\n\n_Very much so, I rarely engage in any sexual activity that doesn\u2019t include it._\n\n  \n\n\n_YES! I do it at least as often as she will let me._\n\n  \n\n\n_YESSSSSSS! I do it as often as I can. God, I do love it._\n\nIn spite of these enthusiastic testimonies, many women are not able to enjoy cunnilingus because they are afraid they smell or taste bad. Plenty of unasked-for reassurance from a lover should relieve some of the anxiety. Usually a woman\u2019s negative feelings about herself can be traced to having been told that \u201cdown there\u201d is \u201cdirty.\u201d You can reverse this dreadful conditioning by smelling and tasting yourself after you\u2019ve bathed. Slide your finger inside your vagina and then smell and taste your own juices. When you\u2019ve decided that, after all, it\u2019s not so awful, then do the same thing at different times of the day. Try it at different times in your cycle. Women\u2019s smells tend to alter throughout the month. Get to know yourself. And remember, even if you decide that you don\u2019t particularly like your smell or taste, that doesn\u2019t mean your lover will agree with you. Ask.\n\nEvery human being has his or her own distinct personal odor, and North Americans tend to have an especially strong paranoia about their body smells. Although we may not be consciously aware of it, personal odor may play an important part in sexual attraction. We all sweat, and we\u2019d be in a sorry state if we didn\u2019t, since it is an essential bodily function. You may very well find yourself dripping with sweat during a great sexual encounter. I am certainly not recommending that you abandon good personal hygiene habits, but I am suggesting that if you insist on maintaining ladylike behavior at all times, you may be cheating yourself out of a passionate sexual experience.\n\nWomen who have had very negative sexual experiences, whether consciously recalled or not, may have negative associations with anything that reminds them of sex. The sense of smell is the most primal of all the senses, which means that it is the one most likely to key into the subconscious and bring up intense feelings you never knew were there. In other words, if you cannot get over your dislike of the smell of sex, or the smell of your own sexual organs, it may be because the smell triggers some feelings of abhorrence that are not so much about the smell itself, but about sex. This may be because you\u2019ve had some very unpleasant experiences around sex, or it may be because of the fear and disgust around sex that we inherit from our culture.\n\nThe best antidote to that fear and disgust is the experience of enjoyment through sexual stimulation, and well-executed oral stimulation is one of the most reliable ways of experiencing pleasure for most women. But performing oral sex on a woman is not necessarily as easy as you might think. Linda believes that men are misled by pornographic films:\n\n _In porn movies they show the actors attacking a woman\u2019s vulva, licking just like a cat\u2019s tongue in a bowl of milk. That\u2019s okay when you are just on the edge of orgasm, but not to start out with!_\n\nI asked several women how they would instruct someone to perform oral sex on them. Here are some of their replies:\n\n _Play with the tip of my clitoris with the tip of your tongue._\n\n  \n\n\n_I like oral sex to be fairly gentle; my clitoris is really sensitive. I want to feel that slickness._\n\n  \n\n\n_I can only come with oral stimulation. I want him to suck and bite my clit a lot._\n\n  \n\n\n_I like my clitoris to be licked, usually gently at first, but then with varying degrees of pressure and speed. I prefer one or two fingers inside me later on in the process. I don\u2019t really like having the rest of my vulva licked, or a tongue inside my vagina, or my clitoris being sucked. (And definitely no teeth!)_\n\n  \n\n\n_I guess I would tell her to give me a long, slow, gentle kiss, pretending my clit was her tongue. Then when I\u2019m about to come, I like to be slowly entered with a finger or two._\n\n  \n\n\n_Use the tip of your tongue really lightly and slowly around and on my clit._\n\n  \n\n\n_I want my partner to start by kissing my belly, working down to my pussy. Then s/he should lightly run the tip of his/her tongue from my anus to the top of my clit, teasing me. Then s/he should stick his/her tongue in my vagina deep and hard, before moving up to my clit. I like having my clit licked, kissed, bitten gently, and manually stroked while fingers explore my G-spot and my anus. I also like to know that my partner enjoys what s/he is doing; verbal acknowledgement is great and turns me on even more._\n\nSome women stress the importance of rhythm and speed:\n\n _I want my clitoris stimulated gently and rhythmically while she\u2019s talking dirty to me and penetrating my vagina deeply and slowly and rhythmically._\n\n  \n\n\n_I always want it done rhythmically; find one rhythm and don\u2019t change it._\n\n  \n\n\n_I need a gradual rhythmic increase in speed and pressure on my clit._\n\nSometimes it takes perseverance.\n\n_I only have clitoral orgasms from using my own hand or from someone going down on me. Some of my lovers haven\u2019t been willing to stay down long enough\u2014it usually takes fifteen or twenty minutes. Not everyone does it right, and I\u2019m shy about asking for what I want._\n\nThere is a small percentage of women who aren\u2019t turned on by oral sex, so be sure to ask first.\n\n_Clitoral stimulation by another person just doesn\u2019t seem to work all that well. I find receiving oral sex to be frustrating and somewhat boring, because no matter how intense it is, I never really come from it. Manual stimulation of my clit is actually an impediment to orgasm, strangely enough._\n\n  \n\n\n_I need my clitoris to be stimulated by hand: oral stimulation mostly doesn\u2019t work for me. It has to be very direct and at first fairly hard stimulation, lighter as I get closer to orgasm. I orgasm more easily if my nipples are being stimulated at the same time as my clitoris._\n\n**A DIFFERENT KIND OF BLOW JOB**\n\n**Another technique that works for some women is blowing on the genital area. This provides a pleasant tickling effect. Try putting your lips around the clitoris or the labia and \u201cbuzzing\u201d with them. Also try having a hot cup of tea or some other liquid nearby; take a mouthful, hold it, and then dribble it slowly over her clitoral area or squirt it into her vagina. (Yes, it\u2019ll make the bed wet, so what?) You can try the same thing with cold water or chunks of ice, but be careful\u2014I have found that ice on my genital area is painful and makes me tighten up, whereas heat feels glorious and makes me relax.**\n\n#  **Penetration**\n\nYou may very well find that those who don\u2019t like oral sex really enjoy penetration. Chapter Nine is all about penetration, but here are a few pointers:\n\nIt is common to want slow penetration combined with clitoral stimulation.\n\n_I find that I must have my clitoris stimulated in order to reach orgasm, but the orgasms are deeper if I am also penetrated vaginally._\n\n  \n\n\n_I need penetration and clitoral stimulation._\n\n  \n\n\n_I orgasm most often when my clit is being stimulated orally and when I\u2019m being penetrated anally. I orgasm best when I am slowly worked toward a climax._\n\nThe sensations of penetration vary greatly, depending on how excited the woman is; what she is being penetrated with; whether it is being held still or moved around; whether it\u2019s curved or straight; how it\u2019s being moved (in and out, round and round, slow or fast, long deep strokes or short ones, all the way out or not quite); and at what angle it is being held. It can be very exciting to be penetrated with something as small as a finger if the finger is doing the right thing, which, again, varies from woman to woman.  A few women might always want to be filled up with something large. The shape of the object makes a big difference too. If it gets bigger towards the base it may be more uncomfortable for some women. Other women like a bigger base.\n\n#  **How to Ask**\n\nThe personal accounts that appear throughout the book paint a very varied picture of what women like. So don\u2019t use the same formula on everyone. Each partner is an individual. Ask her what she wants. Of course, this isn\u2019t always as easy as it seems. A number of men pointed out in their questionnaires that it sometimes feels tacky to ask, \u201cDid you come?\u201d But there are plenty of other ways to find out if your partner had a good time. Try, \u201cWould you have preferred to stop sooner than we did?\u201d Or, \u201cWould you like to have gone on longer?\u201d What follows is a list of questions for partners to ask after a lovemaking session. Most women find these relatively easy to respond to:\n\n\u2022 Was my rhythm too fast / slow / irregular?\n\n\u2022 Would you have liked me to stay longer on your clitoris?\n\n\u2022 Was I in the right spot?\n\n\u2022 Would you have liked more general or more specific stimulation?\n\n\u2022 Did I use enough lube?\n\n\u2022 Did I enter you too soon or would you have liked me inside you earlier?\n\n\u2022 Do you like trying different positions, and if so, which?\n\n\u2022 Would you have liked me to use something else inside you?\n\n\u2022 What other ways would you like me to touch you another time, that I didn\u2019t this time?\n\n\u2022 Were there ways you would have liked to touch me?\n\nIf you are a woman who wants to ask for these things, you can turn them around and say:\n\n\u2022 I tend to have even stronger orgasms when\u2026\n\n\u2022 You can make me come very quickly if you\u2026\n\n\u2022 I loved it when you\u2026, and you could have done that longer.\n\n\u2022 Would it have been okay with you if I had put my hand on my clit / used a vibrator / asked you to go down on me / slowed you down / asked you to stop?\n\n\u2022 Do you like to use your fingers inside a woman? Let me show you the most sensitive part of my vagina.\n\nOr any other tactful way of suggesting that you could have even more fun next time. In my opinion it is always best to offer suggestions from the beginning of the relationship; otherwise you could get stuck in a monotonous routine, and it becomes a very big deal to change. One creative way to get a clear picture of what excites your partner is to have her or him literally draw a diagram of their arousal. This can provide you with some surprising insights, since we often make unquestioned assumptions about what is going on for our partners. The two drawings opposite are by Jesse and myself. Mine represents a masturbation session; in hers, I am the doer and she is the receiver. Fifteen minutes into it I answered the telephone and had a ten minute conversation about gardening. As you can see, this interruption did not curtail Jesse\u2019s arousal, even though I paid her little attention while I was on the phone. I had assumed that her arousal would drop when I stopped stimulating her\u2014and I was wrong.\n\n#  **Masturbation**\n\nThe vast majority of women and men have their first orgasms through masturbating, and some women only come through masturbation. I strongly recommend that all women learn about pleasuring themselves. There are lots of good reasons for masturbating. It can be a great way to reverse any negative messages we may have about sex, and about our bodies. It is also wonderful to find out how much pleasure you can experience without being dependent on someone else. Getting to know your own body is liberating and empowering, and can be a great help in achieving sexual pleasure with a partner. Not only is it a source of enjoyment, it can increase your self-confidence, and it costs nothing. It can also be a straightforward and effective way to release tension.\n\n_**There is absolutely no known harm that can come to you through masturbation.**_\n\nAlas, we live in a society that is loaded with taboos about masturbation. In the early 20th century, it was still thought to be responsible for making women hysterical, and surgical removal of the clitoris and the outer lips was sometimes undertaken to remedy the \u201cproblem.\u201d Women occasionally think that their labia look strange or abnormal, and imagine this to be the result of masturbation. In fact, some women simply happen to have labia that are long or uneven. You are not going to physically alter anything down there by masturbating. Nor will you grow hair on your palms, nor will you go blind, nor will you get addicted. Self-pleasuring is a perfectly natural pastime. Young babies have been observed rocking themselves to orgasm. All of us would probably indulge in it if we weren\u2019t trained not to. _There is absolutely no known harm that can come to you through masturbation;_ it\u2019s the damage that is inflicted on our psyches by an uptight society that\u2019s harmful.\n\nHaving said all that, it\u2019s still true that many women just can\u2019t bring themselves to relax into the joy of self-stimulation.\n\n_I do try to masturbate from time to time, especially in the bath. It seems hard to get any satisfaction; I can feel myself coming and enjoy it but I can end up feeling frustrated._\n\n  \n\n\n_Touching myself just didn\u2019t feel good to me._\n\nSometimes it\u2019s a very poor second to having a partner, and may even make us more aware that we are alone.\n\n_Sometimes masturbating makes me cry and feel exceedingly lonely!_\n\nSome women masturbate every day or more, others only masturbate once or twice a month. How much a woman masturbates will probably vary throughout her life, depending on whether she\u2019s with a partner, what her general health is like, what else is going on in her life, and what her hormones are doing. Most people masturbate because they want an orgasm, but that\u2019s not always the case. Since Rita doesn\u2019t orgasm, I asked her what she gets out of masturbating:\n\n _I like the sensations. I find it cool that my body can do that, can get aroused and feel things._\n\nClara, who had her first orgasm when she was forty-one, says she used to masturbate in phases as a teenager, usually in the bathroom, since her sexual desire was often connected with the sensation of peeing:\n\n _I\u2019d get this intense, acute feeling in my clitoris, and I\u2019d masturbate to relieve it. Sometimes it got rid of the feeling and sometimes it didn\u2019t._\n\nThe kinds of orgasm a woman experiences through masturbation may be quite different from the kind she has with a partner.\n\n_When I\u2019m masturbating I have intense but more localized and shorter orgasms._\n\nThere are many different ways to masturbate and many different things to masturbate with. You don\u2019t have to be on your own to masturbate; it can be exciting and very satisfying with a partner.\n\n_I am in an eight-year monogamous relationship with a woman. After an exchange of \u201cforeplay,\u201d stroking and whatever, we masturbate to orgasm at the same time, together. We find this very satisfying. Our relationship is based on mutual interests, sharing, and support, rather than on sex. It wasn\u2019t until we were in our forties that we had the emotional maturity to consider sex in other than conventional ways._\n\n  \n\n\n_I\u2019ve used my hand, a vibrator, and water pressure to masturbate with. When I\u2019m masturbating, I need to fantasize to come unless my partner is stimulating me by touching my breasts._\n\nMany women find their bodies are a lot readier for orgasm when they haven\u2019t had one in a while.\n\n_It helps if I haven\u2019t had sex for a month or so._\n\nBut most women report that the more accustomed they are to having orgasms, the more easily they have them.\n\n_Sex is like chocolate\u2014the more you have, the more you want._\n\n#  **Vibrators**\n\nVibrators can be a quick and easy way to give yourself or someone else an orgasm. Even if you come reliably other ways, you may find yourself having a new and different kind of orgasm with a vibrator, and some women only come with the use of a vibrator:\n\n _Using a vibrator makes an orgasm inescapable, which is the greatest. I love to feel like an orgasm is coming to get me\u2014no pun intended._\n\n  \n\n\n_I rarely achieve an orgasm without using my vibrator._\n\n  \n\n\n_When I masturbate, the direct route is a good quality AC-powered vibrator applied directly to my clit with a great deal of stimulation. There\u2019s no subtlety here at all, just sheer intensity._\n\n  \n\n\n_I had my first orgasm when I was eighteen and I\u2019d just bought a vibrator, one of those cheesy battery-powered ones. It took me maybe two minutes to have my very first orgasm and I was thrilled. I went through several sets of batteries and two vibrators in the next few weeks._\n\nDifferent kinds of vibrators, even if they seem to have similar kinds of vibration, can have very different effects. Some just make me numb, so that I can\u2019t come from any kind of stimulation after a few minutes of use. It\u2019s frustrating and not particularly pleasant. Be prepared to try more than one brand. The smaller, cheaper, battery-powered models may never bring on an orgasm by themselves, but they can be great as an addition to other kinds of stimulation. Various attachments are available to put on the end of a vibrator for anal or vaginal penetration.\n\nBut plenty of people don\u2019t like them:\n\n _Vibrators are too intense, too noisy, and physically irritating._\n\n  \n\n\n_I tried a vibrator once and found it completely uninteresting._\n\n#  **Variety of Pleasures**\n\nAlmost any part of the body can be erotically sensitive if it is given attention. Sensuality is an aspect of sexuality, and any sexual encounter can be enhanced by keying into sensual desire.\n\n_I had a very intense orgasm once when my clitoris, my vagina, and my toes were all being stimulated simultaneously._\n\nIn particular, many women have extremely sensitive nipples.\n\n_I can orgasm just from having my nipples touched and stroked, then sucked intensely._\n\nSome women need to have their bodies in particular positions.\n\n_I come with my legs open, having my clitoris touched. I must be relaxed and free of stress._\n\n  \n\n\n_I like to be on my knees or to have my legs bent and my body at ninety degrees to my legs._\n\n  \n\n\n_I can orgasm standing, sitting, lying on my side, or on my back or my front, but I nearly always want my legs closed together._\n\n  \n\n\n_I must have my legs stretched out to come._\n\n  \n\n\n_My orgasms are intensified when I am physically restrained or imagining that I am._\n\nAlthough many women said that they need a slow and powerful lead-in to a climax, good orgasms don\u2019t necessarily arise from a stunning buildup.\n\n_My partner and I generally have very good orgasms but pretty pedestrian sex. We do the same things most of the time\u2014cuddling, kissing, and playing first, followed by penetration with him on top, then turning on our sides with him rubbing his penis against my clitoris until I reach climax. Then we move back to the man-ontop position that he likes best until he reaches climax. I sometimes have a second orgasm then. We don\u2019t vary this routine too much because it works well. Whenever we try a different technique it usually turns out to be less satisfactory._\n\nMany women report that they cannot come without using either their own hand or a vibrator, and this often causes them angst when they are with a lover, even though it\u2019s not at all unusual.\n\n_I need clitoral stimulation from my fingers and/or a vibrator \u201cdriven\u201d by me, plus vaginal intercourse._\n\nThanks to the variations in female anatomy, there are some women who get as much stimulation as they want from their lover\u2019s body rubbing on the clitoris while his penis is inside her.\n\n_I am most likely to come from intercourse with a man; clitoral stimulation is pretty dicey and usually not that much fun for me when someone else is doing it._\n\nBut, in general, the best position for a woman during intercourse is when she is on top, allowing her to situate herself so that she gets exactly the right amount of pressure on her clitoris, and giving her control of the angle and speed of stimulation.\n\n_I found that the only way I\u2019ve ever orgasmed is if I\u2019m on top of my partner with him penetrating my vagina._\n\n  \n\n\n_I\u2019m more likely to come during intercourse if I\u2019m on top, as if that position is physiologically more conducive to orgasms._\n\nWhen a woman is on top she may also touch her own clitoris quite easily. And the same goes for lying side-by-side.\n\nMany women do not come from vaginal stimulation alone. Clitoral stimulation certainly sweeps the board as the primary method of coming, whether it\u2019s done by the woman herself or by her lover, whether it\u2019s before, during, or after penetration.\n\n_I have clitoral orgasms from consistent stimulation, oral or manual, to the area around the clitoris. It must be lubricated, and preferably some variation in pace and type of stimulation with more rapid stimulation as orgasm becomes imminent._\n\n  \n\n\n_I want a rapid back-and-forth stimulation (manual or oral) of my clitoris, starting slowly, with increasing speed and pressure. Actually, as I consider it, not so directly on the clitoris but sort of at the top of the clitoral shaft._\n\n  \n\n\n_I like my clitoris stroked gently when I am well on my way to orgasm._\n\n  \n\n\n_I have big orgasms, usually from oral sex, that are very intense, last longer, and involve a full body shudder._\n\n  \n\n\n_I usually come from receiving oral sex, combined with anal or vaginal stimulation._\n\n#  **One Is Not Always Enough**\n\nJust because a woman orgasms once doesn\u2019t necessarily mean she is done.\n\n_I like penetration for a good long time if I\u2019m in the mood, but my lover tends to want to join in with her orgasm after a while, so even though I experience orgasm I often feel it could be taken a lot further._\n\n  \n\n\n_Clitoral stimulation can lead to orgasm without ejaculation. Then sometimes further stimulation leads to ejaculation and total release._\n\n  \n\n\n_I do relish the caring and persistent and clever lover whose activities produce successive orgasmic waves._\n\n#  **Emotional Erogenous Zones**\n\nBeing in love and feeling attracted to our partners are often considered important elements of orgasm. And sometimes our feelings for a partner can preclude the need to come.\n\n_I usually expect to experience orgasm when I\u2019m with someone, but I\u2019m not attached because I can bring myself to orgasm later if needed. It\u2019s the connection that\u2019s more important._\n\n  \n\n\n_Lots of things bring me to orgasm, but my most pleasurable and intense orgasmic experiences happen when I feel emotionally close and connected with my lover: when everything is rowing harmoniously between us, allowing us to open up to deeper and more sensual physical pleasure, including orgasm._\n\n  \n\n\n_If I\u2019m feeling good and am very attracted to my partner, then I have intense multiple orgasms._\n\n  \n\n\n_It helps if I trust my partner and am not withholding emotions like anger._\n\n  \n\n\n_I come most easily when I\u2019m in love._\n\nSome women made it clear that they don\u2019t have to know their partners well, or that sex is even hotter when the partner is new.\n\n_The sex is usually better if I\u2019m in love and lust with the woman, but I have had big orgasms with women in the past who I didn\u2019t fancy but who really touched the right points in me._\n\n  \n\n\n_Deep love and trust mean I\u2019m more likely to experience intense orgasms, as does that kind of wild sexual chemistry I experience with some women, whether I\u2019ve just met them or known them a long time._\n\nSeveral women said that the experience of the lover, and his or her ability to communicate, counts for a lot.\n\n_I am most likely to orgasm when my partner is an experienced lovemaker who knows a woman\u2019s body and listens to what I tell him, not someone who simply assumes that he knows what will please me because it is what pleased other women._\n\n  \n\n\n_I like to be teased._\n\n  \n\n\n_Words help too, to be told I\u2019m gorgeous, that various parts of me are beautiful._\n\n  \n\n\n_I orgasm when I surrender to the experience._\n\nA number of women stressed the importance of being relaxed and comfortable.\n\n_When I\u2019m relaxed and don\u2019t have a lot on my mind, I can definitely come more easily._\n\nSome women need complete privacy and assurance that they won\u2019t be disturbed.\n\n_I need to be assured that no one besides my partner can hear me or know I\u2019m being sexual._\n\nMany women have told me that what never fails to excite them is feeling and seeing their partner\u2019s excitement.\n\n_In order for me to orgasm, I need to know my partner is excited._\n\nLaughter is an ingredient that makes everything taste better.\n\n_I find humor to be a part of the turn-on. Much more memorable and erotic than just good technique._\n\nSome women need to be allowed or need to allow themselves to fantasize.\n\n_I need some level of power play between my partner and myself._\n\n  \n\n\n_I orgasm most easily if I allow myself to fantasize about being \u201covertaken\u201d by animals._\n\n#  **Tuning In**\n\nFor many of us, what\u2019s happening on a psychic and emotional level is very important. This is really what foreplay means to some women: taking the time to experience and build the energy on all levels, not just the physical.\n\n_It may be that sex is not so much a body thing for me, so what someone does to me is not necessarily very important as long as their intentions are good._\n\n  \n\n\n_Sex for me is about union and connection and power exchange._\n\n  \n\n\n_Sex is not merely genital, but energetic; the whole person is involved, not just a bundle of nerve endings._\n\n  \n\n\n_I find the pacing, the arousal in tandem with my lover, the gestures, and courtship (from romantic to dirty) to be essential. Lots and lots and lots of foreplay, all day, all week, words, gestures, one finger touching one place._\n\nBeing tuned in to your lover is vital. I have only had one lover who could reliably make me come with her hand. When I asked her what her secret was, she said, \u201cSomehow I plug into your experience so that I experience what I am doing to you as though I were you.\u201d\n\nAnd being tuned in to your own body is just as important. Anna Marti says:\n\n _For me the challenge is to daily inhabit my body in ways that I become totally engaged, whether working, eating, loving, or playing, because the erotic experience truly is about every cell in my body becoming involved, directing my mind and my heart so that my body may become involved; the sexual, creative, ecstatic cells are not solely located in the genitals._\n\nIf you manage all this, maybe you will have orgasms like these:\n\n _Quite often during clitoral stimulation it will feel as if my partner has just found a particular spot that pierces up through me, which then sets off waves rolling down on me (I don\u2019t know what the waves are\u2014sort of like warm internal strokes). An intense orgasm will combine these physical waves with waves of emotion, and very occasionally these will be strong enough to make me cry. When the clitoral situation is combined with penetration, the orgasm is more about a sense of completion and wholeness._\n\n  \n\n\n_I can lose myself completely in a powerful orgasm. It\u2019s like being ripped out from inside. It\u2019s like planets colliding. Yes, the earth moves, but not before the Milky Way dissolves._\n"}
-{"input": " Write a chapter for a book about the physical experience of orgasm. Discuss the different types of orgasm women may have, including clitoral and vaginal orgasms. Address the misconceptions about these types of orgasms and emphasize the importance of individual experiences and preferences. Provide examples of different types of orgasm based on women's personal experiences, such as physical buildup and release, emotional components, and spiritual ecstasy. Discuss the challenges of describing an orgasm and the importance of finding the language to do so. Address the myth of the definitive orgasm and the cultural factors that have contributed to this myth. Provide tips for enhancing the orgasm experience, such as focusing on the whole body and being tuned in to one's partner. Discuss the experience of multiple orgasms and how they can vary for different women. Provide examples of different types of multiple orgasms, including larger and longer orgasms, and constant orgasms during all-night lovemaking sessions. Address the misconception that all women should experience multiple orgasms and emphasize the importance of individual experiences and preferences. Provide tips for enhancing the multiple orgasm experience, such as taking breaks between orgasms and focusing on different types of stimulation.", "response": "\n\n**CHAPTER** **3**\n\n**THE PHYSICAL EXPERIENCE OF ORGASM**\n\n_I think the main difference in the types of orgasm I have has to do with how involved I feel. I can have orgasms from clitoral stimulation which just feel like physical buildup and release (also true of masturbation even when it involves penetration). These orgasms generally feel confined to my genital area. Orgasms induced by my partner licking, stroking, and penetrating me, I feel through my whole body, and they are likely to have a stronger emotional component. They are the sort that leave me feeling more cleansed and released. Sometimes I\u2019ll have an orgasm while making love to someone else from rubbing against them or hearing them. Those usually feel like a sort of fizz up through my body, and they\u2019re physical rather than emotional (although, of course, they have power / excitement connotations)._\n\n_When I have multiple orgasms they are a mixture of types, for instance, a couple of little ones followed by a big \u201cemotional\u201d one or vice versa._\n\n  \n\n\n_I have unlimited types of orgasm: sometimes they involve the whole of me, sometimes just specific parts. The most wonderful ones are when each one of my muscles tightens and then releases._\n\n  \n\n\n_Each orgasm is different\u2014some give merely physical release; some are spiritual ecstasy. At its best, there is a slow, exquisite buildup that feels increasingly electrical, where gradually more and more parts of my body get \u201cinvolved\u201d in the buildup, where I begin to feel down to the cells of my body, and up to the spirit of my heart, like a whirlpool that spins wider and deeper._\n\n  \n\n\nWhen I first began asking women to explain what exactly went on for them when they were being sexual, many had very little to say. They didn\u2019t have the language to describe their feelings and sensations. But as the interviews progressed, their words started to flow. In the end, everyone said they found the process of sexual arousal fascinating to think and talk about in detail, especially when they had the opportunity to listen to other women.\n\nIt\u2019s not surprising that finding the words to describe an orgasm is initially difficult, because we have been trained to avoid thinking about our bodies and our feelings. In fact we are trained not to verbalize our sexual experiences at all. Thus it is initially uncomfortable to try to bring our sexual feelings into the mental realm; we would often prefer to keep them unfocused, blurry. A great deal of the feedback I got from the questionnaire was embarrassment. Some women dismissed it, saying, \u201cOh, there\u2019s already been so much written about sex.\u201d Others openly acknowledged that they didn\u2019t even want to read through the questionnaire because it made them think about sex more than they liked to. In many cases it was clear that the discomfort went as far as real shame. Apparently the sex-negative attitudes of our society extend even to thinking about sex.\n\n#  **The Myth of the Definitive Orgasm**\n\nFreud defined two types of female orgasm: vaginal and clitoral. He claimed that as a woman matured, she would\u2014or should\u2014transfer the site of her orgasm from the clitoris to the vagina. In other words, she should experience orgasm as a result of intercourse, and not as a result of clitoral stimulation. What we must remember is that Freud was only relaying what  the men of his time wanted to believe. They didn\u2019t want to hear that intercourse is only one form of sexual play and that most women prefer a variety. They didn\u2019t want to be responsible for their partner\u2019s pleasure. They just wanted to hear that it was their job to get on top and pump away until they themselves came, and if the woman didn\u2019t come in that time, she was inadequate, and it certainly wasn\u2019t a male\u2019s responsibility to do anything differently.\n\nAlthough many of the women I spoke with certainly experience intense pleasure from vaginal penetration, relatively few come without clitoral stimulation. They say either that they have lots of different kinds of orgasm, or that the difference is not in where the orgasm originates, but in its intensity; or that they like to have vaginal stimulation when they are having a \u201cclitoral\u201d orgasm; or that they need to have clitoral stimulation in order to have a \u201cvaginal\u201d orgasm. Many said they could not equate their experience of orgasm with what was being done to them, because there were far too many other factors involved. Some had their own classifications that had nothing to do with clitoral or vaginal categories.\n\n_I have two different kinds of orgasm. One is created by tension and the other is more relaxed. The tension type are more electrical; the relaxed ones are like riding a wave._\n\n  \n\n\n_Mine vary. Some are quiet as a sigh. Some are tumultuous\u2014a tension building, pure delight, anticipation, everything concentrated upon sensation, and then waves of release, pleasure, joy\u2014and then, a new tension, a new peak, total incandescent energy._\n\nIn other words, a strict separation into vaginal and clitoral is an artificial and very misleading division, imposed from a male perspective. However, it is a classification that has been widely used, and the clitoris and the vagina are the two areas of female anatomy that have been identified as the centers of erotic sensation. I believe it is a mistake to think of the vagina as one organ and the clitoris as another separate organ. They are parts of the same structure.\n\nMost women I interviewed were rather vague when I asked if they had separate vaginal and clitoral orgasms, and I had to ask several times;  even then the clearest distinction I got was usually very qualified. Women on the verge of orgasm are often experiencing diffuse sensations that permeate their whole genital area and sometimes their whole body. And they may react quite differently to the same stimuli from one day to the next, depending on many variables, such as who is touching them and what with, or the time of the month, or how relaxed they were prior to being sexual.\n\n_I don\u2019t have one sensation of orgasm but many, depending on many things: whether it\u2019s the first or the twenty-fifth, whether I relax and let the sensations just roll over me, what kind of lead-in there is, if it\u2019s just purely a physical response, and so on._\n\n  \n\n\n_Different things cause different orgasms\u2014an intense vibrator can cause an explosive one whereas a timid, battery-operated vibrator will make an irritatingly fluttery and less-than-complete feeling._\n\n  \n\n\n_The most common kind of orgasms I have are several little clitoral / vaginal pulsating ones in a row. With penetration I have a deep orgasm that involves uterine contractions. Multiple orgasms are like little shuddering quakes._\n\n  \n\n\n_I like to have fast, hard orgasms during my period to relieve my cramps. If I\u2019m masturbating (which I do most every day) and I\u2019m tired, then it usually takes a lot of buildup and I have one or two big spasms. I have long orgasms with my partner\u2014they feel deep (even without penetration), they last a long time, and they make me shiver for several minutes afterward._\n\nWomen who do not come easily are much more likely to be able to be specific about what they need, but they\u2019re also unlikely to identify with the separation between clitoral and vaginal orgasms. _None_ of the women I spoke with related to the value judgment that women should cease to have clitoral orgasms as they matured.\n\nOf the women I have personally been sexual with, there is one woman who came close to fitting the pattern of having truly distinct vaginal and clitoral orgasms. Judy\u2019s orgasms are clearly defined: one comes from clitoral  stimulation only and the other comes from vaginal stimulation only, and the sensations associated with each one are quite distinct. What is interesting about her sexual responses is that, because she has such distinct vaginal and clitoral orgasms, and never mixes the two kinds of stimulation, her descriptions of them are very articulate, whereas none of the other women I spoke to could separate them with such precision. Even women who did define separate kinds of orgasm were rarely able to say categorically what kind of stimulation would lead to which kind of orgasm. Judy\u2019s unswerving clarity about this was unique among the women I interviewed:\n\n _I have a clitoral orgasm either from having oral sex performed or from using my hand on my clitoris. I don\u2019t want penetration when I\u2019m having my clitoris stimulated; I find it distracting and not particularly pleasant. This kind of orgasm wracks my body; it pulls me forward and keeps coming in a series of waves. My abdominal muscles spasm, curling me up, pulling me in. l feel lines of electricity running down my legs and into my abdomen and chest. The energy feels very central, like a core inside me, and from there it spreads to different parts of my body. After one clitoral orgasm my clit is way too sensitive to be touched any more, so I have one big one, and that\u2019s it._\n\n_Vaginal orgasms are a going-out energy; they feel like an expulsive thing. I\u2019m so into the sensation of penetration that I really want my lover to concentrate all her energy on that, and I don\u2019t really want her to touch my clitoris. My vaginal orgasms are multiple, and each succeeding one gets more intense as I have them, until my whole body shudders and vibrates, from my head down to my feet or my feet up to my head. How many I have depends on my lover\u2019s stamina. I\u2019m not sure how many I can have, maybe up to ten._\n\n_A clitoral orgasm has a mental connection. I have to feel an element of safety and vulnerability. I can\u2019t let my body go in the same way, like I can with a vaginal orgasm. I can\u2019t be disconnected. I need my head and my heart involved. With vaginal orgasms, sometimes just my body is involved, my entire body, outside as well as inside. They are coarser, more external, more flesh and blood, more body, less energetic._\n\nCarol is fairly typical of many women: although she enjoys both kinds of stimulation, she\u2019s not able to be specific about what would make one or the other kind of orgasm occur.\n\n_I definitely have different kinds, and I guess I\u2019d divide them into vaginal and clitoral. But I always have to have some kind of clitoral stimulation, even for a vaginal orgasm. These are more emotional and intense; they are deep, constricting, pounding. I feel the contractions far inside. The waves from orgasm can go on for more than a minute sometimes, and then I can have another one, often five or six. The second one is always stronger than the first. I can sometimes have these without penetration, just from long, hard clitoral stimulation. But if I\u2019m being penetrated, I\u2019m sure to have a vaginal orgasm. The clitoral orgasms are sort of an electrical jolt, and sometimes they\u2019re just like a blip. They\u2019re more a surface experience._\n\nVictoria craves deep penetration, and she corroborates Carol\u2019s experience of \u201cblips,\u201d although she has a different name for them:\n\n _I\u2019ve tried to like vibrators, but I just don\u2019t. My orgasms are not nearly as powerful with them, just this quick \u201cveeet!\u201d_\n\nDonna, like Carol, differentiates between clitoral and vaginal orgasms, and her vaginal orgasms are multiple, but otherwise her description of what she experiences is quite different; her clitoral orgasms are more physical and much shorter:\n\n _I have very different kinds of orgasms: I guess you could call them clitoral and vaginal. Clitoral orgasms are fast and hard, intense and short, more physical. I tend to hold my breath with them. Vaginal orgasms have more of a buildup and there\u2019s a sense of pulsing, which I think is a uterine contraction, although sometimes it\u2019s a whole-body contraction if the orgasm is more extended. I get aftershocks as well. Over several hours, they may vary a great deal. They may occur in different parts of my body, depending on what\u2019s being stimulated. All the parts of my body are sensual. I can feel orgasms from the back of my throat all the way down to my vagina, and into my legs._\n\nAndrea is typical of the many women who aren\u2019t able to make specific distinctions all the time, but she talks of clitoral orgasms as being more final:\n\n _Although my vaginal and clitoral orgasms are not always distinctly separate, sometimes I have a vaginal orgasm when my clitoris is not even awake. My clitoral orgasms are not generally multiple, but my vaginal orgasms are countless. I just fly for hours sometimes, coming over and over and over. I like to make out till I\u2019m exhausted, and then have one big clitoral orgasm and stop. Otherwise I wouldn\u2019t know when to stop. With a clitoral one, I hold my breath tightly, and then I scream. With vaginal ones I pant a lot and breathe very deeply._\n\nOther women agree that a clitoral orgasm is more fulfilling. But Linci relates that orgasms that involve penetration are more powerful:\n\n _My clitoral orgasms are quick; they take the edge off, they\u2019re physical manipulation. Throbbing orgasms are the deepest and most intense; they\u2019re shocking. I can feel my lips ringing with the throbbing. I feel like I\u2019m totally tripping, and I have these circulatory pulsations that go on for two or three minutes. These orgasms go on so long, they\u2019re almost continuous. I\u2019m so totally in it. I have to have penetration in order to experience a throbber, but it doesn\u2019t have to be deep penetration._\n\n#  **Beyond Vaginal and Clitoral**\n\nDee has classified her orgasms according to her very own system, which has nothing to do with whether they are clitoral or vaginal. This was her very prompt response when I asked her if she had separate kinds of orgasms:\n\n _I have three kinds of orgasm. One I call the waterfall: it\u2019s like a whooshing out and down; the sensation goes up to my waist and then shoots downward out of my toes. Then there\u2019s the sparkler; that\u2019s like a sparkler, you know, fireworks. It emanates from my lower belly and sends sprinklies out everywhere, sideways as well as up and down. It\u2019s very white. Then there\u2019s one I call Saturn, because I feel like that\u2019s where I go. I don\u2019t have them so often, but when I do they are really exquisite. I feel them in my whole body from my head to my toes._\n\n_I nearly always have at least four orgasms at one time, and the fourth is always the best. When I have a Saturn, it\u2019s always the fourth._\n\nDee loves penetration, but she does not generally come without some kind of clitoral stimulation, even if it\u2019s fairly indirect. She didn\u2019t relate her different kinds of orgasm to what was being done to her so much as to her emotional state, and she said she could rarely project in advance which kind she was likely to have.\n\nDee\u2019s desire to have direct stimulation on her clitoris at the same time as vaginal penetration is very common. Not many women say they are able to come from vaginal penetration alone. What makes one woman able to do this when others can\u2019t? It might be simply physical differences in our bodies. In 1958, Dr. Kermit Krantz performed several autopsies on women and went to the trouble of counting the nerve endings in the pelvic area. He discovered quite enough variation in the distribution of the nerves to account for differing sexual responses.1\n\nBut, most likely, the inability to have an orgasm is a combination of physical factors and cultural conditioning from a society that has trained women to rein in their passion. I have attempted to address some of these issues in later chapters.\n\nFollowing my initial series of interviews, I identified several categories of orgasms, and I fed these categories back to the women I was interviewing. Here are some of the labels I assigned:\n\n\u2022 flying orgasms\n\n\u2022 wave orgasms\n\n\u2022 falling orgasms \n\n\u2022 pounding orgasms\n\n\u2022 surface orgasms\n\n\u2022 deep orgasms\n\n\u2022 disappearing orgasms\n\n\u2022 crying orgasms\n\n\u2022 throbbers\n\n\u2022 veets\n\n\u2022 blips\n\nThese labels were the ones that generally received the most positive response from women (such as, \u201cYes, I think that describes what I experience.\u201d). However, they are quite arbitrary, because I invented them only as a way of encouraging women to form words to describe their orgasms. And for every woman who told me that one or more of those particular words did describe her experience, there were other women who said, \u201cNo, I wouldn\u2019t use that word.\u201d\n\nI wondered if women like Dee, who define their orgasms very clearly, do so because they have been mostly with one lover, and therefore tend to stick to one particular kind of lovemaking. Dee has been monogamous for twenty years. Perhaps women who have had more lovers are more likely to have different kinds of orgasms and have a harder time defining them. But every time I form a theory about women and their orgasms, someone pops up to disprove it. Jan has had many lovers, but only has one type of orgasm.\n\n_I always assumed my orgasms were clitoral, because I have to have my clitoris stimulated to come. Then I heard people talking about a whole-body orgasm, and I realized that is what I have: my whole body is completely involved in coming. Every muscle in my body takes part in the buildup; it\u2019s like the energy has to align itself in my limbs and in my head and neck. I have to stretch out my toes, and clench my fists, and straighten my arms and legs. And when I do all that, when I have made my body into the right kind of container, then the movement of whatever it is on my clitoris takes wing and I fly like an arrow. I shoot outward, and the energy surges outward in a huge wave of light, and I\u2019m carried on that crest of energy until I fly down the other side and there I am, all vibrating and renewed, washed clean by the energy that carried me. And then it picks me up again, and off we go, three, four, five, six or more times. The first time is often an effort\u2014I have to really work at getting my body into alignment, at opening up the channels the energy flows through, but then the second time all the doors are already open and I just fly with it. I just soar up and over. It\u2019s delightful. My whole body glows, like a lightbulb. My clitoris is the filament, but light comes from the whole bulb, which is my whole body._\n\nJan says she has to have firm and regular stimulation on her clitoris in order to come, and although simultaneous penetration isn\u2019t essential, it makes her more likely to have a powerful orgasm. Like Jan, Clara doesn\u2019t relate to having more than one kind of orgasm, and she has to have her clitoris stimulated in exactly the right manner with a vibrator. Unlike Jan, she\u2019s not interested in being penetrated when she comes.\n\n_The best orgasms start very much around my clitoris. The buildup is exquisite, and it\u2019s part of the orgasm. The anticipation tension is all consuming, as my whole being is focused on that one goal. I feel this huge tension in my thighs. Then the tension peaks and I\u2019m riding the wave. I feel the energy deep in my womb. Then it floods down my legs and up into my belly._\n\nJesse is unable to pin down what sparks off a particular kind. She has a number of different orgasms, and I refer to some of them in other parts of the book. Here\u2019s how she defines a couple of the more unusual (and difficult) kinds:\n\n _I occasionally have disappearing orgasms: the whole buildup feels like it\u2019ll be a normal orgasm and then it\u2019s over without any release, no fireworks at the top. It may be that those are one-contraction orgasms versus what normally might be dozens, though I don\u2019t think I\u2019m aware of the contractions as discrete events until the main part\u2019s over, and I\u2019m having aftershocks. Maybe it\u2019s just that my body is not able to maintain and accumulate enough charge at those times and that\u2019s why they disappear._\n\n_Sometimes I have crying orgasms, like the sweetest liquid emotional pain wells up to my chest and throat, and crying and coming are the same thing\u2014they\u2019re indistinguishable._\n\nJean rarely comes without using a vibrator on her clitoris, but she relates that she has three distinct kinds of orgasms (although she also said she wasn\u2019t sure that they all qualified as such):\n\n _One is from using my vibrator directly on my clitoris, although I may often have something inside me as well. These are like going over a mountain, or riding a wave. Then there are ones that I have when someone is sucking on some part of me, such as my fingers, or my toes maybe, or my dildo if I\u2019m wearing one, and there is some clitoral stimulation as well. Those feel like a shooting outward. I get this rushing feeling in my body. The end of the orgasm isn\u2019t the same as the first one I described. It\u2019s more like a dissipation than a complete release, leaving some tension behind. The third kind usually happens if I\u2019ve been doing a lot of foreplay, and I have a strong emotional bond with my lover. These are electrical and they go through my head, taking my head off._\n\nMaluma only relates to one kind of orgasm, which occurs as a result of penetration alone, or from clitoral stimulation, or from making love to someone else.\n\n_There\u2019s a building up and a letting go at the same time, right around my clitoris. It builds and builds, and then I get the \u201cit\u2019s gonna happen\u201d feeling. I get tingleys in my clitoris, and then bigger feelings that go into my belly, and then those feelings rise up and go downward at the same time. The really good orgasms rise up through my heart and out of the top of my head. It\u2019s like I am the wave, not someone riding it. I used to only have two or three at a time, but now I have five or six._\n\nBetty also has only one kind of orgasm. She needs clitoral stimulation to come, although she also enjoys penetration, separately or simultaneously. She has one big one and that\u2019s it\u2014she doesn\u2019t want to be touched any more.\n\n_My orgasms are like an earthquake or an explosion; they explode out of me. They are a deep, pounding, clenching petit mort that radiates from my entire pelvis up and down my body in shock waves. They\u2019re like a seizure; they pick me up and throw me around. I can\u2019t imagine having more than one._\n\nLaura doesn\u2019t particularly enjoy clitoral stimulation and would never seek it out. But she loves penetration and comes copiously.\n\n_I wouldn\u2019t use the words exquisite or clenching or pounding or electrical. Maybe riding a wave. I feel it all over my body, especially in my lower belly. I get goose bumps on my head and neck. I ejaculate a lot, which embarrasses me. I normally have probably five to seven, and the third and fourth are the strongest._\n\nIn all these accounts, only one factor seems to be consistent: women who relate to the distinction between vaginal and clitoral say that they tend to hold their breath when they are leading up to a clitoral orgasm.\n\n#  **Combination Orgasms**\n\nAn orgasm that occurs as a result of simultaneous vaginal and clitoral stimulation might be considered a combination orgasm. Wouldn\u2019t it seem logical that this would be best of all? Surprisingly enough, not many women related to combinations, and those who did presented conflicting views about them.\n\n_I have two kinds: the clitoral ones feel like the epicenter is my clitoris, whereas the focus of an orgasm when I\u2019m being penetrated is all inside, quite different from a clitoral orgasm. When I\u2019m being penetrated, there is a big buildup and then a release._\n\n_Everything stops at the peak. I don\u2019t like to mix the two too much. One is always more dominant._\n\n  \n\n\n_For a clitoral orgasm, I absolutely need direct clitoral stimulation. A clitoral orgasm has a slower buildup. I get more tense leading up to clitoral orgasms. I hold my breath, and it\u2019s a very long come, but not multiple. It can last half an hour or so. It\u2019s a bit like flying, and it\u2019s very much a wave._\n\n_I have vaginal orgasms without any clitoral stimulation. They\u2019re localized and I\u2019m more likely to have them when I\u2019m feeling relaxed. They\u2019re in my first and second chakra, and they\u2019re multiple. Combination orgasms are not multiple\u2014they are like one big clitoral orgasm with a vaginal orgasm at the same time._\n\n_A combination orgasm is an all-encompassing experience. It builds, then goes down, then up. It doesn\u2019t go out my feet. In fact, it doesn\u2019t go anywhere\u2014it comes! I don\u2019t really want to call it energy\u2014it\u2019s more like power, and it feels very active, the way it surges down my legs._\n\n#  **Surface Versus Depth**\n\nFor most women, it seems that the primary variation in orgasms is in their intensity, and how much the orgasm is simply a release of surface tension, as opposed to a deeply experienced physical release that involves the whole body. This woman describes the difference very clearly:\n\n _Sometimes I feel an urgent need to come (usually on my own, when I haven\u2019t seen my lover for ages and haven\u2019t had much sex). When this happens I can come very quickly from touching myself, but the actual orgasm is a bit of an anticlimax, as though I just need to release something. This is very different from the building passion that turns to divine tension inside me as I make love with my lover. There is a point at which I know I am going to come, and often I like to spin that time out so that I am bursting for the release of orgasm. When my lover touches me or as I rub against her, I feel a combination of deepening, relaxing, and melting, and also tensing of my entire body as my heart and metabolism speed up. As I build toward an orgasm, I feel joyously frenzied. Sometimes it\u2019s a primal feeling, like a wild animal, and I like to grunt and make noise. As I come, I feel my insides melting and expanding, becoming alive. My whole body pulses. Often I find I quickly come again, maybe three times or so._\n\n#  **Pulsing and Contractions**\n\nThe \u201cpulsing\u201d mentioned in the previous quote is fairly common. I\u2019ve sometimes felt my lover pulsing at two- to four-second intervals for quite a long time (five minutes or more) after a strong orgasm. It may be localized in the vagina or in the genital area or it may be felt throughout the body, a little like very light muscle contractions. Pulsing may be an external indication of uterine contractions. It seems to be involuntary, and not as strong as the tightening that occurs just prior to orgasm, or voluntary contractions of the PC muscle, which, when they are in good condition, can be very powerful. (See Chapter Nine for more on the PC muscle.)\n\n_I occasionally feel and see a very active pulse that may involve my whole leg._\n\n  \n\n\n_The pulsing reaches a crescendo and then fades, sometimes lasting thirty seconds, and sometimes over several minutes._\n\nAccording to the famous sex researchers Masters and Johnson2, the female orgasm involves a series of rhythmic muscular contractions (numbering from three to twelve) in the vagina. This gives rise to an image that is a little misleading, since rhythmic contractions cannot always be felt by the person who is doing the penetrating. The lesbians I spoke with say they are only occasionally able to feel rhythmic contractions in the vagina (apart from the pulsing mentioned earlier) when they are the givers. Most said they could feel a steady tightening around the entrance to the vagina leading up to the point of orgasm and then a gradual relaxing afterward. This steady contraction of the vaginal entrance may be so strong that it causes pain to the person doing the penetrating.\n\nThe reason rhythmic contractions aren\u2019t so apparent may be due to the fact that the giver is often moving her fingers inside while her partner is  coming. It may also be that the receiver\u2019s leg and belly muscles, or perhaps her whole body, are spasming and clenching, which would make it difficult to distinguish what is going on in the vagina. Or it may simply be that the muscle contractions are not very noticeable.\n\nA number of women (by no means all) report that when they have a strong orgasm they can feel a contraction in the midpoint of the groin, which would seem to indicate that it is in the uterus. Sometimes they can feel these contractions for a matter of minutes after an orgasm. They usually describe it as almost painful, a little like menstrual cramps, and several women say they are more likely to feel this when they are premenstrual or on their period. Afterward they feel more relaxed in that area. Orgasms are known to relieve menstrual pain.\n\n_When I\u2019m crampy from my period, I sometimes feel an orgasm in my uterus and it may be painful, but then when the contraction releases I feel better._\n\nThe external signs of orgasm can vary as much as the internal experience, and they may last for a few seconds or for hours. The same woman may react quite differently at different times. Sometimes she may thrash around and scream. Sometimes the whole body contracts or shakes and shudders. Her limbs may flutter, her feet and hands may stretch out and curl up. Her face may contort or it may remain quite serene. Sometimes she may hold quite still and be very quiet when she comes, merely arching or stretching the body a little. The intensity of the orgasm can\u2019t be measured by visible movement. Sometimes the most powerful ones are those that pass through deep inside, or on a level that is not physical, leaving few cues for an onlooker.\n\n#  **Pregnancy and Orgasm**\n\nIt may initially seem surprising that some women feel more sexual when they are pregnant. But, after all, the uterus is part of a woman\u2019s sexual organs, and it changes continually as the fetus grows. The increase in size of the uterus may result in pressure on the G-spot, resulting in spontaneous sexual arousal.\n\n_The only time I ever had an orgasm in my sleep was in the latter stages of pregnancy._\n\nThe contractions that occur during an orgasm may precipitate childbirth, and consequently women who are at risk for preterm labor are advised against sexual activity during pregnancy.\n\nThe medical establishment has tried to divorce the experience of giving birth from sex, and indeed many women cannot imagine it as anything but an exhausting, sterile, and pain-filled experience. However, some women do find themselves feeling sexually excited during the delivery process, and deliberate sexual arousal may greatly ease the experience.\n\n#  **A Vocabulary for Orgasm**\n\nIf we lived in a society that communicated freely and openly about sex, there would have to be at least a dozen words to describe the different kinds of orgasm. The fact that there are only three (orgasm, coming, and climax) and that there are no standard definitions for them is an appalling indication of how little we comprehend the scope of sexual experience. Most of us grow up thinking there is some average kind of orgasmic experience, and that\u2019s what normal women have. What a limiting view, and a far cry from the truth!\n\nThe word _climax_ is sometimes used to mean the latter part of the orgasm, or the peak. Some women use the word _coming_ to mean the moment before release, the preparation to reaching the peak, prior to going over the edge into full orgasm. One woman described a feeling she calls coming that is different from orgasm:\n\n _It\u2019s a swelling, exploding feeling, but without the post-orgasmic body relaxation._\n\nThe experience of orgasm covers a huge range of intensity. It may involve the whole body, or it may be focused in certain parts of the body, or it may be an out-of-body experience. Why a woman has a particular experience one time and not another is often impossible to pin down because there are far too many variables: not just what is being done to her physically but also her relationship to her partner, her surroundings,  her state of mind, her emotional state, and everything that has led up to the moment of orgasm. One thing seems clear: any imposed classification used to define the phenomenon of female orgasm is not going to be useful, it is only going to be limiting. Fortunately, many of us are celebrating our diversity instead of worrying that we aren\u2019t adhering to some artificial standard of \u201cnormality.\u201d\n\n#  **Multiple Orgasms**\n\nMost women (perhaps all) are capable of experiencing multiple orgasms, and many do so regularly. Some women have one and then don\u2019t want to be touched anymore, while others, like myself, don\u2019t feel satisfied if they have fewer than three.\n\nMy average orgasms are probably typical multiple orgasms. Each one lasts from three to maybe ten seconds, and I need a break of at least twenty seconds between each one, to let my clitoris get desensitized so I can take more stimulation. If the break is much longer than a minute I probably come too far down to get back up again. The second and the third are usually the strongest and they happen very quickly, with very little stimulation. The most I\u2019ve ever had in one session was thirteen. Other women have different experiences with multiple orgasms:\n\n _Larger, longer orgasms tend to be multiple. Like when one orgasm continues like a skipped stone._\n\n  \n\n\n_I am very likely to have an orgasm every time I have sex or masturbate. It\u2019s less a question of whether I have one, and more about how many and how intense._\n\n  \n\n\n_I\u2019ve always had multiple orgasms. I probably average three or four orgasms at one go. But if I make love all night, I can come constantly and have different kinds of orgasm: from rubbing together with clothes on or without, from penetration with fingers or hand, from oral sex, or from my body being stroked in just the right way._\n\n  \n\n\n_Once I came thirty-two times. After a while my boyfriend just sat back amazed, and watched me stimulate myself for the last ten or so orgasms._\n\nThe length of the break between orgasms varies for different people, from a few seconds to a few minutes. Of course if it\u2019s a few minutes you could describe it as a whole separate orgasm rather than one of a multiple. But women don\u2019t come down all the way out of a state of arousal in a few minutes, so it\u2019s really just a matter of how far down they need to come before they can take more stimulation to come back up. Most women can probably experience three or four orgasms during one lovemaking session. There seem to be a few women who don\u2019t, who are really and truly finished after that one big one:\n\n _I can\u2019t imagine having multiple orgasms. I can build up to another one after five minutes or so, but the second one is never as satisfying._\n\nIn the next chapter we\u2019ll look at how different women experience the flows of energy in their bodies when they come. To close this chapter, here are a few words from Joy on defining an orgasm:\n\n _I have a vast variety of orgasms. I see stars, rockets, and all kinds of other visuals. Some (orgasms) feel like jumping out of a plane. Or they\u2019re like an ocean swell, and sometimes the surf is so strong it sweeps me away; other times it just laps at the shore. They can be very deep, where all my internal organs go into pleasant spasm; maybe my knees go weak, suddenly all the tension drains down and out of my body. Sometimes they are like earthquakes, but more commonly they\u2019re like waves. They\u2019re often electrical; I feel the electrical energy moving up and down central channels inside my body, not on the surface. They can be either vaginally or clitorally centered. But when they\u2019re clitorally centered, it\u2019s like that three centimeters of flesh is the whole universe._\n\n#  _**Notes**_\n\n1 Kermit E. Krantz, MD, \u201cInnervation of the Human Vulva and Vagina: A microscopic study,\u201d _Obstetrics & Gynecology_, 12: 382-396.\n\n2 William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, _Human Sexual Response_ (Ishi Press, 2010). Originally published in 1966.\n"}
-{"input": "Could not generate response.", "response": "**CHAPTER** **4**\n\n**THE ENERGETIC EXPERIENCE OF ORGASM**\n\n_My orgasms are exquisite and deep, like riding a wave: exciting, wild, raw energy, primal, deeply satisfying. The buildup is a warm, flowing, pleasantly exciting sensation that keeps building to more excitement. It\u2019s fun to hang out there for a while. Orgasm brings the excitement to a peak that satisfies a deep body longing and leaves me glowing, ecstatic, and floating. It\u2019s a feeling of being deeply bonded with the universe._\n\n  \n\n\n_There\u2019s a building of intensity of feeling; I feel like I\u2019m becoming pure energy, ceasing to be a clearly defined physical body with boundaries. It\u2019s like I can clearly perceive being an energetic being of vibrating molecules, part of and one with the woman I\u2019m with and everything in the universe. I experience this in differing degrees of intensity depending on my situation. Then orgasm itself is like a wave of energy cresting inside me and through me, a release of the buildup of energy with me, truly ecstatic and totally exquisite. This is also accompanied by my muscles contracting and shuddering, often very strongly\u2014yes, the earth does move for me!_\n\nSexuality can put us in touch with powerful flows of energy that we may not otherwise have reason or ability to access. Thinking of orgasm in terms of energy flow can be very useful, enabling us to visualize it in a much broader way than the merely physical. The same is true of life: understanding it as occurring on a plane of energy allows us to comprehend some of the unseen forces that affect us.\n\nOrgasm is about highly focused energy, and being orgasmic is about learning to let our bodies focus energy while we let go of trying to control it. This may seem like a paradox: surely if you are focusing energy, then you are controlling it. But there is a big difference between controlling a flow of energy\u2014trying to force it to move in a particular pattern\u2014and removing blocks that are preventing a natural flow so that we can allow our bodies to do what they want to do: gather, focus, and release the energy.\n\nCultural conditioning teaches us to block this natural flow. When we overcome our conditioning and allow ourselves to be freely carried by the energy that is released during orgasm, then we release the potential to have transcendental experiences. Sexual energy is very powerful; it is, after all, the energy that creates and sustains life.\n\nIt is perfectly possible to learn to channel the flow of energy during orgasm. Various methods have been developed for doing this. Most of these methods include experiencing high levels of sexual ecstasy. Some of them are discussed at the end of this chapter and in Chapter Five.\n\n#  **The Nonphysical Components of Orgasm**\n\nIt has been said that the brain is the most important sex organ. In reality, I believe some of the factors that turn us on, such as smell, sound, and long forgotten memories, are far beyond the comprehension of the logical brain. On a conscious level, we may be completely unaware of energies that affect us very profoundly. Sexual arousal in dreams epitomizes this. A number of women report the experience of waking up from an erotic dream in a high state of arousal, yet without any of the normal signs: no throbbing clitoris, no wet and swollen lips. It is as though the excitement occurs on an ethereal level, where we are not actually _in_ the body we normally inhabit. It is  frequently a mistake for us to try to nail down what creates arousal. We might be better off accepting that we simply don\u2019t know.\n\nThe great paradox of sex is that it\u2019s based in the physical and yet can take us beyond the physical. Many women report feeling overwhelmed and transported by orgasm. What they seem to mean is that a powerful sense of contained energy builds inside their bodies and then, as it releases, puts them in touch with a different experience of reality. The new perception can manifest visually, aurally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Our best and strongest orgasms seem to be the ones that take us to levels besides, and as well as, the physical. These other levels have been variously labeled mental, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, psychological, psychic, and chemical (as in having great \u201cchemistry\u201d with someone). Because all of the experiences described by these words are extremely subjective, we have no consensus definitions of what they actually mean.\n\nIn this and the following chapter, I want to offer illustrations of what these words and phrases mean to different people, and what place they have in sexual arousal. Some women equate the mental with the spiritual, since they find that once they are able to quiet their minds they enter a stillness that is an experience of oneness. Other women equate the spiritual with the emotional, and they have their best orgasms when they feel a heart connection with their partner. Some people might not differentiate between emotional, psychic, and spiritual ecstasy.\n\nAn orgasm can be triggered by an overwhelming sense of joy or love, perhaps from the connection with a partner, or just from experiencing intense pleasure or beauty. The natural beauty of the environment can add a whole different dimension to a sexual experience:\n\n _My best orgasm ever was when I was sleeping out on a deck with my lover, and we woke up just before dawn and started to make love. Then a flock of yellow birds flew down toward us, and we both came together just as the first of the sun\u2019s rays touched us. I felt out of my skin._\n\nThe inspiration for an orgasm need not come from physical stimulation, and there may be little or no buildup. Some women come in their sleep, from a powerful dream, or they are able to generate a flow of sexual energy by using fantasy or mental focus, with some muscle control. Jana  talks about orgasms that creep up on her almost against her will. She is a Buddhist monk, in the habit of sitting in meditation for very long periods of time. She\u2019s not the asexual person you might imagine a monk to be; she masturbates once or twice a day. Sometimes as she sits in meditation she finds an orgasm coming over her without any conscious intention on her part:\n\n _The feeling runs away by itself and my mind focuses in on itself and I\u2019m going, \u201cOh my god oh my god oh my god\u2026\u201d I\u2019m sitting there having an orgasm, hoping no one notices. It\u2019s amazing how strong the feeling gets._\n\nLaura had her first-ever orgasm watching a horse race; no one was touching her, nor was she touching herself, and she wasn\u2019t even thinking about sex:\n\n _The beauty and vitality and competitive spirit of the horses just took me to orgasm!_\n\nIt is surprisingly common for an intensely pleasurable experience to find an outlet in orgasm even though it is not (at least initially) a specifically sexual pleasure.\n\n_One night I was lying on my bed with the window open. It was warm, and a delightful sensuous breeze was wafting over me. I opened my legs to it and felt as if it was actually caressing me. I stayed with the feeling until I came._\n\n  \n\n\n_I\u2019ve had an orgasm a few times listening to very intense, passionate music._\n\nOne woman reported that she was getting a massage, not being touched in her genital area, and unaware of any sexual arousal, when she suddenly found herself coming. Dee reports finding her body shaken by an orgasm as she sat on a rock by a river watching her lover walk along the shore. Apparently, deep feelings of love or joy or enthusiasm can unexpectedly give rise to exactly the same physiological response as physical stimulation, and can be experienced as an ecstatic energy release.\n\nA number of women report that they can come from imagining sex, without any external stimulus, which is a little different from an orgasm that comes unexpectedly out of thin air.\n\n_On occasion I\u2019ve been able to come just from visualizing sensual intercourse, without anyone touching me, or me touching myself._\n\n  \n\n\n_I have had an orgasm from a purely mental fantasy about someone, without touching myself or having anyone touch me._\n\n  \n\n\n_When I\u2019ve had the experience of orgasm without any stimulation, it was like a flashback, a brief shiver all over, and a tingle to my clit. It doesn\u2019t matter what I\u2019m doing. I could be lying down, driving a car, relaxing, whatever._\n\nSometimes the only external stimulus that\u2019s necessary is another person\u2019s voice.\n\n_I\u2019ve rarely had an orgasm without any stimulation at all but it has happened when I\u2019ve been on the phone to my lover._\n\n  \n\n\n_I can have a vaginal orgasm very easily, just from being told to come, if I\u2019ve been having a lot of sex over a number of days._\n\nThe \u201ctelling\u201d described above can be purely verbal; her lover might be across the room at the time. One woman said that she could come simply from seeing her lover make suggestive finger movements. An emotional component\u2014a strong current of love between partners\u2014may be present in some of these cases, but it certainly isn\u2019t necessary for all women who experience this kind of orgasm. It may occur in part because the woman is in a state of sexual excitement already. Many women find it possible to remain in a highly aroused state for a long time without experiencing discomfort.\n\n_I can go through my day feeling constantly aroused. I\u2019ll be walking down the street and the feeling deep down in my groin gets more and more intense, just from the motion of walking, especially if I\u2019m wearing jeans, and I find myself coming. I have to stop and lean against a wall._\n\nBecause phone sex and online sex often occur between people who don\u2019t know each other well, or even at all, we must assume there doesn\u2019t have to be an emotional connection. For some women, the words create erotic visual images, and thus work just like a fantasy. For others, the sound and the meaning of the words bypass the mental realm altogether and go straight into physical sensations. When two people are physically together, a glance, body language, a facial expression, or simply a casually stated innuendo can all have similar effects. A very strong feeling of love can produce erotic sensations without any physical stimulation, and vice versa: erotic physical or mental stimulation can produce intense feelings of love. The physical, the mental, and the emotional become one. They are all erotic sensations: you have a feeling of love or lust for someone, and it gives rise to a mental picture that is erotic and therefore creates a physical response; someone touches you in a nonsexual way and you feel flooded with love for that person, and you are suddenly aware of your pelvic muscles contracting, and so on; the permutations are endless. And they can all give rise to a sense of oneness that, for some, may have spiritual significance.\n\n#  **Chemistry: A Psychic Connection**\n\n_I have an occasional lover who brings me to orgasm in a way no one else ever has. He is an accomplished lover, and my attraction to him as a person is so chemically / spiritually / obsessively intense that I can\u2019t tell what influences what._\n\nMany of us have experienced an energy flow between ourselves and another person that is not of our conscious creation at all; we call it _attraction_ **,** or in its most extreme forms, _falling in love._ It can be anything from a mild sexual response, to overwhelming body chemistry, to divine mania. _Chemistry_ is a confusing term here; the attraction may be chemical\u2014that is, caused by pheromones that stimulate us on a subconscious level\u2014but  it may also be interpreted as an attraction that occurs on a psychic level. Whether you call it psychic or chemical, it is a flow of energy. It\u2019s feasible (although it may take some practice) to learn how to play with this energy, consciously making it greater or smaller, bringing it to an orgasmic release, or not. As we all know, not every attraction is mutual, and it\u2019s easy to misread what is going on for another person when you don\u2019t know each other well. Perhaps one of the people involved is taking it much more seriously than the other(s). Check this out before you get carried away with it.\n\nStrong attraction is not necessarily about an emotional connection, but for many women the two are synonymous. A strong emotional component, or heart connection, with another person certainly has the power to bring on an orgasm, sometimes as much as anything physical. These two women were awed and amazed by the spontaneous orgasms that occurred with particular men:\n\n _We were just lying together in bed, and I felt this pure ecstasy filling my body, pure spirit. I trembled and my body glowed, my groin became bathed in warmth and sensation, which lasted several minutes, and then I orgasmed._\n\n  \n\n\n_I was so in love with a man once that my orgasm, which usually follows all the stages of arousal, plateau, orgasm, resolution, etc., just came out of nowhere, so quickly I felt transported._\n\nSome women really seem to need to experience a heart connection in order to allow sexual energy to flow between themselves and their lover, while others don\u2019t. Women who have multiple partners are judged harshly by our society; there is a widespread assumption that we cannot experience a heart connection with someone whom we don\u2019t know well, or haven\u2019t made a lifelong commitment to. I think this is a misconception; I believe it _is_ possible to have a very deep connection with someone you have just met, simply because you resonate with that person, because there is some kind of connection on a psychic level. And it is certainly possible to feel very strongly for more than one person at a time. Our language fails to supply nondisparaging words to describe these relationships. What seems to be true is that some women cannot be open on a heart level until they know their partner well, and others can be very open  on a heart level from the moment of first meeting.\n\n_The mental and emotional components are important. I must feel trust. But sometimes it\u2019s easier with someone I don\u2019t know\u2014they haven\u2019t betrayed me yet, they\u2019re fresh._\n\nThe emotions that are brought into play by an intense attraction are an essential aspect of arousal for some women. Jesse calls this the \u201cromantic element.\u201d For her, good sex must include romance, by which she means that she must feel a strong attraction and love for her sexual partner. Joy is quite the opposite. For her, sex is about having fun, and she can even sleep with someone she doesn\u2019t particularly like and have very good sex with plenty of orgasms. I am very picky about my close friends, but if the chemistry (or the psychic / emotional connection, or whatever you want to call it) is right, I can enjoy an affair with someone I don\u2019t particularly want to spend a lot of time with out of bed. With such a person, I will make sure not to make any emotional commitments; I don\u2019t want any pretense about what we are sharing or not sharing.\n\nWhile orgasm is not necessarily an emotional experience for all women, very few women seem to be able to come with their partner when they are holding negative emotions toward that person. A number of women described similar scenarios, where a buildup of unresolved negative emotion, occurring over time within a relationship, made it harder for them to experience sexual satisfaction with that partner. Victoria stopped having orgasms after the first year of her first long-term relationship, and for a long time she thought there was something wrong with her. After she left her lover, she realized that she had closed down emotionally, and that was why she had ceased to have orgasms.\n\n#  **Emotional Orgasms**\n\nMany women find that the best sex arises out of an emotional connection, and for some, feeling loved and appreciated by their partner is essential.\n\n_My orgasms seem to depend on the emotional state that is created between my partner and myself (other than masturbation, which is always a successful release). When I feel cared for, when his attention is fully with me, when he seems interested in who I am as a person and what and how I feel, then I can open my heart freely, and only then can I open my body freely and allow orgasm._\n\nThe experience of orgasm itself can bring up a lot of emotion. Jesse clearly labeled an emotional orgasm:\n\n _Sometimes my heart breaks open and melts. It doesn\u2019t come from my genitals, but otherwise it\u2019s an awful lot like an orgasm._\n\nDonna described having orgasms that felt \u201cdifficult\u201d emotionally, orgasms that revealed more of her vulnerability than she was comfortable with. Sometimes she even consciously put a stop to them. I am sure that many women learn to put stops on their orgasms either consciously or unconsciously, precisely because they don\u2019t want to be emotionally exposed.\n\nI have certainly had the experience of an orgasm that was almost more of an emotional release than a physical one. Usually, I am aware of the need for an emotional release before it occurs, but sometimes that awareness prevents me from feeling free to be sexual in the first place. Sex often feels too dangerous when I\u2019m in a very vulnerable space.\n\nTears are a fairly common emotional release for women when they come:\n\n _Sometimes there is an explosion that seems to reach other dimensions and often leaves me weeping in a state of exquisite longing for that other dimension. It is as if my whole life were a plea to live in that place and the tears are of gratitude for touching that place, and for sadness that it seems so rare._\n\n  \n\n\n_Making love is very emotional for me. If things aren\u2019t going well in my heart, even if I think they are, my orgasm releases a huge well of sadness within me and I cry and cry and cry, mostly just streaming tears, no sobs._\n\nIt seems as though the physical release triggers an emotional release that has been waiting for an outlet.\n\n_Often after an orgasm I will feel very sad, and the feeling builds until I cry and cry and cry. I don\u2019t mind it; in fact, I feel very good after the storm is over. Sometimes I\u2019m amazed at the depth of the sadness and sobbing. I think I get a load of sadness from just being in the world and seeing and hearing about so many sad, horrible, unjust events that my body just wants to release it periodically, and it uses the orgasm as a trigger._\n\nOne woman complained that her partners don\u2019t want to know what she\u2019s feeling at these times.\n\n_The thing that gets me is guys never ask why I\u2019m crying! I guess they\u2019re afraid to know._\n\nSometimes the experience of being flooded with grief or emotional pain comes instead of, rather than accompanying, an orgasm, especially if a woman is having trouble coming. It may be that the tears provide the necessary release, in lieu of a physical climax.\n\n_Sometimes I feel like I really need to come, and I just can\u2019t get there. When this happens I nearly always end up crying._\n\n  \n\n\n_Sometimes if I\u2019m making love and I don\u2019t have an orgasm, I get completely out of control emotionally and burst into floods of tears._\n\nBut the emotion an orgasm triggers may just as easily be joy, with laughter as part of the orgasmic release. And some women find that having an orgasm calms them down and relaxes them when they are feeling emotional.\n\n_When I\u2019m feeling sad or lonely, I sometimes comfort myself by masturbating to orgasm. My relationship to myself and the sense of being in control of my body feels really good._\n\n#  **The Intellectual Component: Focusing the Mind**\n\nSome women feel that conscious intention is an essential ingredient to orgasm. Marya says that she has to make a mental decision to climax, as though giving herself permission before it can happen. Although most of the women I interviewed said there was _not_ an intellectual aspect to coming, quite a few reported that they were more likely to have orgasms if they felt their partner was in control on the mental plane or was an intellectually stimulating person. This might manifest as someone who is verbal during sexual play or in other words, someone with good patter:\n\n _I love it when my lover talks dirty to me and fantasizes verbally._\n\nIt might be accurate to say that we can block ourselves from orgasm using the power of our conscious minds, because of an emotionally-based intellectual belief that it is not okay to let go. This is borne out by one woman who, for a long time, only came in her sleep. Her waking mind could not allow herself to let go enough. We can develop an intellectual belief, which we then exert through the will, as a result of something that holds a big emotional charge. I don\u2019t think it\u2019s possible to delineate clear boundaries between the emotional and the intellectual. Our bodies can be affected by emotional or physical trauma in such a way that they respond without any _conscious_ brain involvement. Since we have a strong tendency to want to rationalize our behavior, there is often no way for us to know when a physical response is due to a body memory of a trauma that has been forgotten by the conscious mind, rather than a rationalebased conclusion. It can be very hard to see when the emotional becomes intellectualized. Moreover, we tend to want to hold onto our rational beliefs, and we may get upset when they are challenged. Then the intellectual becomes emotional.\n\nMost of us are brought up to value the intellectual and denigrate the emotional. Yet the truth is, we are far more swayed by our feelings than we like to admit; we make the pretense of being rational by trying to overlay our feelings with rational explanations. Our feelings never lie, but our intellects are affected by \u201coughts\u201d and \u201cshoulds.\u201d Thus our minds try to make us fit into the status quo, even when it is not right for us.\n\nSome women can \u201cthink\u201d themselves into orgasm, without stimulation from any source other than their own minds. This usually means focusing  very intently on a fantasy, but sometimes what happens is not so specific, and it certainly need not include imagery of genital stimulation. It\u2019s something like \u201cthinking oneself into the feeling of orgasm.\u201d\n\n_I use my mind. I let go. I want it, so it happens. It\u2019s simple for me. There is nothing more to tell._\n\nIn her book, _Women Who Love Sex_ 1, Gina Ogden has a whole chapter devoted to \u201cthinking off.\u201d She took one of her subjects into a lab and measured for all the signs of orgasm as the woman came without touching herself and barely moving. The measurements were exactly what you would expect for an orgasm brought on by any physical method: high heart rate and blood pressure, dilated pupils, reduced sensitivity to pain, and heightened sensual responses.\n\nMany women fantasize when they are masturbating or when they are with a partner, and the fantasy may actually help them to get off. Some women read erotica or watch movies or look at pictures. Fantasizing is an intellectual skill; it requires an active mind, a vivid imagination, and the ability to concentrate. Joy has had orgasms while she was writing, apparently just from the intellectual thrill.\n\n_A couple of times I have come from a psychological turn-on, when I\u2019m off in my head and there\u2019s no physical stimulation. It\u2019s connected to the excitement of creativity, usually when I\u2019m writing something that has an erotic charge for me. It might be something that someone else would not find erotic at all._\n\nLearning to focus the mind can have remarkable results, as anyone who has meditated over a long period will tell you. Freud\u2019s idea that the sensation of orgasm should migrate from the clitoris to the vagina may actually be accomplished by someone who chooses to _think_ the sensation there, but one can also think the sensation to anywhere else on the body (fingers, earlobes, different chakras, wherever). People with spinal cord injuries, who have no sensation in their genital area, can still experience sexual feelings, and may have very satisfying sexual relationships.\n\nSome women say they cannot come if their brains are going a mile a minute, while others are able to keep their brains occupied with a fantasy.  A few women do not come without a fantasy to help them focus, and this often involves images of being raped. Generally, such fantasies are about giving themselves permission to relinquish control; the conscious brain won\u2019t let go until it is tricked into thinking that someone else is forcing it to do so.\n\nPersonally, I often find there is part of my brain that tends to isolate itself from the rest of me when I am having an orgasm. While my body is in the throes of intense convulsions, my brain might be busy thinking about the color of the walls. As long as it\u2019s not a thought that makes me anxious, I can usually let it go so that it doesn\u2019t interfere with my pleasure, but I have more intense and longer orgasms when I totally switch my brain off. I think my brain\u2019s desire to absent itself during sex is a leftover from unpleasant childhood sexual experiences.\n\n#  **Aftershocks**\n\nMy experience with purely mental or emotional stimulation is that it can be very exciting, but often in a rather diffuse sense. If it is very genitally focused, which it might be if I am reading or looking at erotica, I\u2019m not usually able to bring the energy to release without touching myself or moving around. Occasionally, when I\u2019ve been sitting still concentrating on writing or some other creative outlet, I have a kind of upper body shudder that is definitely a release of energy and might be considered a kind of orgasm. I have also had experiences along the lines of this description by Jesse:\n\n _Sometimes when I\u2019m very turned on, I get single contractions that feel just like aftershock contractions, and recently I had a short set of these from an intense and intimate turn-on with almost no touching of any kind, just prolonged eye contact, and then a slow movement toward each other that culminated in my lover brushing the side of her face against mine. I believe now that this might be considered an orgasm, but I hadn\u2019t thought of it as such because there wasn\u2019t the usual physical buildup leading to it._\n\nThe aftershock contractions that Jesse refers to are something many women experience; they are like little jolts that jerk your body around,  and they may occur after particularly intense sex. Terry describes having aftershocks, \u201clike little orgasms,\u201d for days. In a similar vein, a number of women report a powerful sinking feeling in their gut when they think about an exceptional sexual experience:\n\n _Sometimes I\u2019ll be walking along daydreaming about having sex, and all of a sudden that feeling comes over me and my guts jolt. It\u2019s often accompanied by an involuntary moan that is obviously sexual, and that\u2019s very embarrassing if someone else is around!_\n\n  \n\n\n_The day after exciting sex, part of me sometimes stays turned on, and even doing mundane things, my mind suddenly flashes to what we did the night before, and I\u2019ll get a little momentary orgasm that makes me jump or shudder._\n\n#  **Simultaneous and Empathic Orgasms**\n\nSimultaneous orgasm is the ultimate goal for many people. Like any goal, it can set us up for a sense of failure, since it is often difficult to achieve. A few lucky people are inspired to come at the same moment as their lover. It seems to be a glorious feat, to be so in tune with your partner that your energy is carried into orgasm with his or hers. I have had a few lovers who were brought to orgasm by my coming, but I\u2019ve never achieved it the other way round. A couple of men commented that they were brought to orgasm by their partners:\n\n _After she has her first orgasm from manual stimulation I will sometimes move to penile insertion, and in most instances reach simultaneous orgasm with her second one._\n\nOne man had this to say about how wonderful it was:\n\n _On the one and only time to date that we have had simultaneous orgasm through intercourse, it was simply indescribable, out of this world, fantastic!_\n\nA number of women referred to a kind of orgasm that I have called \u201cempathic.\u201d These might be simultaneous or they might not. They occur when a woman is making love to someone else, and she gets so excited by her lover\u2019s response\u2014by his or her arousal\u2014that she finds herself coming. It is the energy of her lover\u2019s turn-on that creates her orgasm. Some women experience it as an unexpected bonus, something that just comes out of the blue: their body goes into automatic orgasm, with no awareness of any buildup, no conscious desire to come, no conscious seeking of orgasm.\n\n_It\u2019s always a surprise because I\u2019m never expecting it._\n\nLesbians who experience this phenomenon stress that it is a very different kind of orgasm from the kind they have when partners are making love to each other simultaneously.\n\n_I find it distracting if someone is making love to me at the same time as I\u2019m making love to her. I can\u2019t concentrate on what I\u2019m doing to my lover. However, the kind of turn-on I feel through me making love to someone else is not a distraction._\n\nThe kind of orgasm that I am calling empathic occurs purely as a result of what a woman is doing to someone else; it is part and parcel of what she is doing to that person, it enhances what she is doing, and it doesn\u2019t distract at all. Her awareness is all on her partner; there is no direct stimulation of her own genitals. And her orgasm may well occur simultaneously with her partner\u2019s.\n\n_There have been a dozen or so times when I\u2019ve come from making love to my partner, without being touched myself. I think there is a sort of psychic / sexual connection in which boundaries melt and fuse._\n\nIn heterosexual sex, the emphasis is often on what the man is doing to the woman; he is usually the one dictating the action, and he is often focusing on gearing up to the moment of intercourse. In this scenario, there may not necessarily be much opportunity for the woman to focus on pleasuring him, although it doesn\u2019t have to be like this, as Donna illustrates: \n\n_I almost always come from making love to my partner, especially when I\u2019m sucking his penis. I find the rhythm extremely exciting, and the sensation of sucking invites my hips to move and my uterus to contract. It\u2019s also very exciting to feel excitement mounting and the contractions I can feel in him before he reaches orgasm._\n\n#  **Energy Movement Within the Body**\n\nSome women are more aware than others of the flow of energy in and through their physical bodies during sexual play. Linci has worked with this as part of her spiritual practice. When she describes making love to another woman, she says that the energy moves in circles between her and her lover, from one woman\u2019s chakras to the other and back, around and around. But the actual orgasm, if it\u2019s not an empathic one, produces energy that moves vertically in a linear path, either up or down her body.\n\nJana finds that the energy of orgasm moves differently if she has been deep in meditation:\n\n _Instead of building up and exploding outward like a beautiful flower, it builds through my body more slowly and then moves out sideways. Everything goes into quietude without exploding first._\n\nMost women agreed that the energy gathers in the pelvic area and then goes up, down, or directly outward from there. For Donna, the energy gathers in her upper body if she\u2019s having her nipples stimulated (she can come from nipple stimulation alone). Whatever brings the orgasm on, once it is under way, she says the energy moves upward vertically from her body, into her lover if he\u2019s lying on top of her.\n\nMany women say they find themselves stretching their feet out when they come, as though to let the energy flow out their soles.\n\n_I have to have my legs straight out, and I can\u2019t bear to have limited space for my feet._\n\nJean normally experiences the energy moving directly out of her feet, but she had a one-time experience that is very interesting:\n\n _My partner had her hand over my throat as I was coming, restricting my breathing. The energy shot up to the top of head and then bounced back down and shot out of my feet, leaving my legs weak and shaky, like all the nerve endings had been fired off. It was amazing!_\n\nSince limiting the oxygen to the brain can have the effect of increasing the level of arousal and enhancing orgasms, the practice of breathing restriction is not uncommon. The problem with this is that it can also kill you, and it can do so extremely fast\u2014much faster than you might realize. If you decide to play around with this, _be very careful._ Don\u2019t take it to an extreme, and do it only with people you trust to be 100 percent attentive to you. _Never allow anything around your throat or over your mouth that cannot be removed in an instant; never put anything over your mouth that might be inhaled._\n\nThe experience most commonly reported seems to be that energy moves down the legs and out through the feet, and sometimes out through the hands as well. Some women feel it going up and out of their heads, which is likely to be accompanied by a feeling of oneness with the universe. This most often occurs when there is a strong emotional bond between lovers, following a lot of sexual play. A sense of spaciness and a sense of oneness may occur when the higher chakras have been opened up, and an orgasm is certainly capable of doing this. The energy of orgasm may even carry us to another realm of consciousness. Many women report that they have had the sensation of floating after orgasm, and they experience themselves as something other than physical.\n\n_Waves of pleasure build into towering walls of energy that wash over and lift and toss me about, and I cry out like a flock of birds. I don\u2019t feel confined to my body. I lose my physical edges. Post-orgasm, I feel very warm and glowing, although my body sometimes aches for a few days after._\n\n_Once I had a total out-of-body experience. I was up there hovering a few inches above myself, watching myself have an orgasm._\n\n#  **Alignment**\n\nThe physical position of the body can often affect a woman\u2019s ability to have an orgasm or, at least, to have a strong orgasm. It may be important to notice what position your body is choosing as it approaches orgasm.\n\n_I went through a period when I felt compelled to cross my legs even though it meant I wouldn\u2019t have such a satisfying orgasm; it was as if I needed to limit the physical intensity. I don\u2019t know why._\n\nI feel that I must physically align my body to allow the movement of energy. I find I can only come with my whole body stretched out and arched; all my muscles tense up harder and harder as I get closer to coming. It\u2019s as though my body requires this in order for the energy to be able to release. I tend to hold my breath as I approach the orgasm (or it approaches me), but the actual release often necessitates me making a sound, a kind of a groan, or perhaps words, so then I take deep breaths. And breathing into my belly makes the orgasm happen. The energy that has gathered pours outward, mostly flooding down my legs and out of my feet. I am often aware of my feet feeling electric and my legs shaking afterward. Sometimes I feel the energy in my throat.\n\nBecause of the way I come, I always do so lying on my back, where I or my partner has plenty of space to manipulate my clitoris in the necessary manner. Many women say they like to have their legs straight, although it doesn\u2019t matter to everyone. Jean also stretches herself out; however, unlike me, she is able to come lying on her front. She arches her back in the same way, but uses a vibrator on the bed against her clitoris, so that the arching of her body pushes her pelvis into the bed, and her clitoris harder against the vibrator.\n\nThere are plenty of women who can come in a number of different positions, including standing up.\n\n_I love having sex standing up. Lying down dissipates the energy. I think I\u2019m trained to come standing up, because when I was a kid I did it a lot in the shower._\n\n  \n\n\n_My orgasms are more exciting when I\u2019m lying on my back with my legs drawn up. Being on all fours, or prone, slows it down._\n\n  \n\n\n_I notice that orgasm feels very different in different positions; I can differentiate between those experienced on my back, on my front, and standing up._\n\n#  **Visuals**\n\nThe energy of an orgasm may create colors or scenery in the mind\u2019s eye. Donna and Terry both see patterns of flashing lights, constellations of stars connected with lines.\n\n_I see lots of yellow and white, some red and orange. They\u2019re mostly hot, bright colors, not black. I see starbursts and sunbursts of different colors. One is a deep, brilliant blue. I experience it in my third eye and it feels wonderful. I can hang out there on that plateau before orgasm, with that deep blue, for a long time._\n\nJoy has some fascinating visuals, from psychedelic light shows to more mundane and often strange visuals, such as nuts and bolts rolling down a hill, weird animals, odd postcard collections, or bizarre, not necessarily idyllic, landscapes. When she and her lover have simultaneous orgasms, they may see the same images. On one occasion they both had a sensation of hopping, and saw rabbits popping up out of holes. It was, Joy said, a very friendly, cheerful lovemaking session!\n\nAccording to Lisa, the energy of the sex affects the colors she sees:\n\n _If it\u2019s a lovemaking experience, then I might see really soft earth colors, corals, and watery colors, flowing blues and aquas. I get the same kind of visuals when I\u2019m giving someone a massage. If it\u2019s bad-ass sex, nasty sex, then I see black. I see leather._\n\nWhen Lisa talks about \u201cbad-ass\u201d sex, she doesn\u2019t mean that it isn\u2019t a wonderful consensual experience, she means her desire has a different flavor\u2014she is not feeling sweet and gentle. This brings up a very interesting point: the energy we bring to sexual play can vary considerably on different occasions.\n\n#  **The Power of Fantasy**\n\nJesse is another woman who relates to the concept of energy flows, and she is also someone who finds fetish and fantasy a wonderful source of orgasms. She describes something that might be called an imaginary orgasm that shoots from an imaginary penis. Jesse has no desire to be a man, but she plays around with fantasies of being a man in bed. She can come in a number of different ways, including when she has a dildo strapped on and is having \u201cintercourse\u201d in the missionary position with her female lover. The energy of these shooting orgasms moves in an outwardly direction. Some women say that an orgasm from using a strapped-on dildo happens because the base of the dildo presses on the clitoris, or on the G-spot from the outside. But it is also possible that the psychological element of fantasy is a major factor in such an orgasm. Jesse\u2019s shooting orgasms can also occur when _she_ is being penetrated, if she is fantasizing that she has male anatomy.\n\nJean reports a similar shooting sensation, when some part of her is being sucked on (toes, fingers, or dildo\u2014yes, she does think of the dildo as part of her, when she\u2019s wearing it) and says that when she comes like this, she feels as though she has a penis. The energy is a rushing feeling through her body, an \u201coutward explosion,\u201d but the climax is not as satisfying as other kinds because it leaves her with some tension.\n\nOne of the questionnaire respondents said she had experienced this, but only with one lover:\n\n _I once had a lover who inspired me to come when she came. It felt like a very male type of orgasm, like I had a penis and was coming from out of it._\n\nWhen two people get together, the combination of their energies may create quite a different experience from anything either of them have had before. This can be frustrating when you get together with someone new, and the same activities don\u2019t feel quite as good as they did with the last  person. But if you are willing to experiment in new ways with new lovers, it can also be exciting, and at least you know that every experience is unique. Sex never has to be routine.\n\n#  **Sound**\n\n_**Interestingly, if you examine a diagram of the throat and a diagram of the female sexual organs, you will see that they look similar.**_\n\nMany women talk about a connection between the throat and the pelvic area. Interestingly, if you examine a diagram of the throat and a diagram of the female sexual organs, you will see that they look similar. According to Hindu tradition, there is a direct link between the second chakra, which is the center of sex and emotion, based three fingers below the belly button, and the fifth chakra, located in the throat, which relates to self-expression and making sounds. Moving the energy in the one area will tend to affect the other area. This is borne out by a number of women:\n\n _There is a shift in my throat when I\u2019m close to coming, like the feeling I get when I begin to sing. There\u2019s definitely some subtle correlation between my throat and my genital area. I have to allow the muscles in my throat to soften so that my breath can move more freely. Any sound I make will often carry the orgasm for a longer period of time than if I am silent._\n\n  \n\n\n_Yelling out really helps to release the energy of orgasm for me; I\u2019m a very noisy lovemaker, and that\u2019s an important part of sexual expression for me. If I have to be quiet I feel very constrained._\n\nIn her work as a tantric teacher, Jwala encourages women to use sound:\n\n _The throat chakra is the one that women really hold closed, holding in our expressions of anger and rage over the abuse we\u2019ve suffered from centuries of patriarchy. I have women make noises even when they don\u2019t feel like it, to release stuck feelings and verbalize their rage. They can verbalize the act of pushing the abuser(s) out of their space._\n\nI have found that opening my mouth and making a noise can sometimes carry me into orgasm, as though releasing the sound releases the energy of the orgasm. As Jwala says, because we often block the flow of energy through our bodies without being aware we are doing so, it is necessary to make a conscious decision to vocalize our passion, even though (or because) it feels uncomfortable.\n\n#  **Extended Orgasm**\n\nMany men and some women have an attitude toward sex that I call the get-it-over-with syndrome. They have a finite view of sex as a strictly functional act with orgasm at the end of it. When we can move beyond this limited view and accept a concept of sex as an enjoyable activity in itself without a beginning or an end, our possibilities are immediately expanded. But even when we relate to sex in that broader sense, we may still relate to orgasm as a finite experience, not expected to last more than a few seconds.\n\n_Extended sexual orgasm_ is a phrase generally used to refer to a sensation of orgasm that can last from a few minutes to six hours or more, in both women and men. Depending on the person who is using the phrase, it can mean any one of the following:\n\n\u2022 staying on the verge of orgasm, in a high state of arousal, just at the peak without going over.\n\n\u2022 going over, and then staying in an actual, prolonged, physically orgasmic state.\n\n\u2022 staying in the dreamlike state of oneness that may occur with orgasm, but without the attendant physical symptoms (body contractions and so on). This might also be described as the _afterglow._\n\nThese are all very subjective experiences, and therefore difficult to differentiate. It\u2019s highly unlikely for anyone to get to these states of arousal on a regular basis without skillful manual or oral stimulation of the clitoris and the G-spot. But the physical aspects of stimulation, although important, are only about one-quarter to one-third of what causes these experiences to occur. Other important factors are communication with your partner,  your partner\u2019s ability to read your body language, and your emotional and mental state\u2014how willing and able are you to give up your normal hold on reality in order to let yourself remain in such a state of bliss? Many of us have difficulty allowing ourselves to experience ecstasy for very long. We are not usually brought up to believe that pleasure in itself is a worthy goal. We are often more concerned about remaining \u201cfunctional.\u201d This is that prevailing attitude summed up as \u201cget-it-over-with-and-get-on-withlife.\u201d The intensity and sense of \u201cotherness\u201d that comes with strong sexual feelings, pleasant though these may be for a few moments, can quickly become uncomfortable. It takes practice and motivation to stay with the sensations. But, as Jwala says, it is a skill that can be learned, and the benefits are remarkable:\n\n _We can learn to tolerate stronger sexual energy so that we don\u2019t block it off at the lower chakras, but allow it up to higher levels; if we can really bring it up to the top of the head and let it flow out of the seventh chakra, that is spiritual bliss, and we can be in an altered state for hours._\n\nIf you are withholding emotions from your partner, or your mind refuses to be still, or you are in a hurry, or you have issues about sex that prevent you from being fully present, you won\u2019t be able to stay in a prolonged orgasmic state. You need to trust your partner completely, and let go of _all_ distractions, so that you can really relax. It has happened for me when I have a very strong heart connection, when I\u2019m deeply in love and utterly focused. Then I find myself on an elevated plane of orgasm for a very long time without ever really seeming to come down, either nailed to the bed, or floating above it.\n\nIn her DVD, _How to Be a Sex Goddess in 101 Easy Steps_ 2 (which I highly recommend, both for fun and for educational purposes), Dr. Annie Sprinkle has an orgasm on camera that lasts more than five minutes. There is a fine line between one continual orgasm and multiple orgasms that occur so closely together they can barely be distinguished. If extended orgasm was a commonly known phrase, I think a lot of the women who wrote the following would be using it to describe what is going on for them, instead of the better known phrase \u201cmultiple orgasm\u201d: \n\n_When I have multiple orgasms, it\u2019s like I\u2019ve achieved a melding of the spirit. I\u2019ve submitted, and I can stay at that elevated plane for a long time._\n\n  \n\n\n_I have multiple orgasms and after the third or fourth one, they become a way of experiencing myself in vastness. They are something else, something very non-local. There\u2019s a lot of fluidity back and forth. I can make love for hours and come and come and come like that._\n\nIn her DVD, _The Art of Extended Sexual Orgasm for Men and Women_ 3 _,_ Kathryn Grosz describes ESO as a heightened state of arousal, which she calls orgasm, with a climax at the end of it. The level of arousal may be greater than you normally reach before going over, but the climax itself is a separate event that signals the end of the extended part. She describes at length how to maintain this state of arousal: the giver gets the receiver up to as high a point as possible without actually going over, and then backs off or changes stimulation for a moment or two, before picking up the rhythm again. So the receiver is always \u201creaching out\u201d for the sensation again, and each time she reaches out, she moves up a little higher on the arousal scale. This can go on for an hour or more. The giver must change the speed or the type of stroke or pause for a second, in order to sustain the experience of peaking that occurs just before climax, and she or he has to divine when these pauses or changes are necessary by observing the body language of the receiver very closely. This video shows two couples, a male / female, and a female / female. I was disappointed that the female / female couple weren\u2019t more physically passionate, and no identifiable female climax was shown, but apart from that, it is an educational and enjoyable film.\n\nAlan and Donna Brauer, authors of _ESO: How You and Your Lover Can Give Each Other Hours of Extended Sexual Orgasm_ 4 _,_ clearly describe the kinds of muscular contractions that characterize ESO as a continuous, very intense experience of orgasm, that is reached after moving through one or more \u201cnormal\u201d orgasms. Apart from this, there doesn\u2019t seem to be a substantial difference between their concept of ESO and Kathryn Grosz\u2019s. Their method of getting there seems to be very similar. It primarily involves switching the type of stimulation, just at the point of orgasm, from the G-spot to the glans of the clitoris and back again, and repeating that sequence so that the sensation continues to build. They also discuss \u201creaching out\u201d for the sensation.\n\nPatricia Hunter is one of a team of three people who teaches these kinds of techniques to couples in the San Francisco Bay Area."}
-{"input": " **Prompt:**\n\nWrite about the concept of extended sexual orgasm (ESO), including its definition, the importance of communication skills and trust between partners, and the role of intuition in maintaining the state of ESO. Discuss the distinction between an extended orgasmic state and heightened arousal with a climax at the end of it. Provide examples of personal experiences with ESO and its impact on individuals. Mention the connection between ESO and tantric sex, but also emphasize that spiritual experiences can occur in various forms of sexual play. Finally, note that the experience of orgasm is subjective and should not be limited by rigid definitions or labels.", "response": "_It\u2019s very important to learn to relax and let your body vibrate. I see it as one quarter of each of the following: mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical. You\u2019re never going to get off the ground with just the physical. I see the spiritual and the intuitive as being the same. If you\u2019re able to do the physical, the mental, and the intuitive, then that will take care of blocked emotions. But you have to stop being goal-oriented, and you must have communication skills. Good communication requires trust, surrender, and being able to read one another. ESO is holographic with the rest of life: you must confront life, and your fears, and go through the obstacles that your mind presents: you must have more of a will to pleasure than to pain. Tantric teachers are teaching sexuality and sensuality, which is part of the picture, but it\u2019s the difference between a dance party and being a champion ballroom dancer._\n\n_It\u2019s like boiling water; once you\u2019ve reached that state of boiling you can stay there as long as you can handle it. You\u2019re staying above and beyond going over the edge. Sometimes it\u2019s like holding onto the back of a jet plane; sometimes it\u2019s like the sun coming out. It can be very, very intense, and it\u2019s not always easy to stay there._\n\nPatricia and her partner, Jim, make a strong distinction between an extended orgasmic state and heightened arousal with a climax at the end of it. Patti and other women (and Jim and other men) have been in a state of extended orgasm for up to six hours. They were good enough to do a demo for me. Jim is unusually intuitive and can \u201cread\u201d what his partner needs from him: slight changes in rhythm and touch inside her vagina or on her clitoris; laying his arm gently along the center point of her belly as he strokes her clitoris, to put pressure on the uterus; or stroking her thighs and belly away from the genital area, to spread the sensation of orgasm  throughout the body. (Having the woman push outwardly with her pelvic muscles is another way of distributing the sensation.) His intuitive ability is certainly a major factor in being able to hold a woman in a state of extended orgasm.\n\nI watched as Jim sat cross-legged next to Patti and used two, three, or four fingers of one hand inside her while the other hand stimulated her clitoris. This was very familiar to me; many lesbians do this and create highly intuitive connections with their lovers. If they don\u2019t stay in a state of extended orgasm, it may only be because they haven\u2019t gotten over the \u201cget-it-over-with\u201d attitude to orgasm that is so common in our culture. During my research on the concept of extended orgasm, Jesse and I had several conversations about it, and she made these comments:\n\n _As I\u2019ve thought and read about the possibilities of extended orgasm, I\u2019ve begun to realize that I tend to bring myself down out of that period after orgasm as quickly as I can. I want to get normal, pull myself together. I don\u2019t have this attitude toward sex at all, but I do toward orgasm. I think if I could allow myself to stay in that period outside ordinary reality that occurs at the end of orgasm, when I\u2019m very sensitive emotionally and physically, when I\u2019m jerking and experiencing energy rushes through my body, the whole orgasm would continue._\n\nDorrie Lane\u2019s experience of ESO is a state she stays in without stimulation.\n\n_The extended orgasm I experience is about being in a very high floating state that wavers at the beginning of orgasm. It\u2019s the kundalini energy swirling up through my body, starting in my feet, and encompassing me and my partner. It\u2019s like a hot flash! It\u2019s a completely spontaneous thing. It\u2019s a state of vulnerability; you have to have real trust and total ease with your partner. You wouldn\u2019t do it on a one-night stand. I can stay in that state for twenty minutes or so without any stimulation. I\u2019ve never done it masturbating._\n\n_Any thought pulls me out of it, even just the thought that I am doing it. I see it as a combination of the physical, mental, and emotional; it\u2019s a mixing of the three ingredients. I see the mental and the spiritual as being the same; if my mind is able to relax enough to let me be in the moment, then that being in the moment becomes a spiritual state. Practicing meditation helps you to learn to allow the mind to come to rest._\n\n_It\u2019s a gift. It happens when it\u2019s appropriate, and it\u2019s spontaneous. You can\u2019t intend for it to happen:; trying to make it happen gets in the way. You just have to be open to the little miracle that it is. I have faith in people\u2019s openheartedness. If they are looking for it, they\u2019ll find it. There isn\u2019t one key\u2014there are lots of them._\n\nExtended orgasm is a continual sensation, almost a plateau of orgasm, whereas multiple orgasms are ongoing individual orgasms, with a break in between each one, and then more stimulation to bring on the next one. However, these definitions are concrete\u2014and the experience of orgasm is not. It is possible that what one person is calling extended orgasm might be what the next person calls multiple orgasms. And who is to judge, since none of us can inhabit someone else\u2019s body? What is important is that we don\u2019t limit our concept of pleasure by sticking pedantically to a limited definition.\n\nExtended orgasm is frequently associated with tantric sex, which is currently enjoying an explosion in popularity. Tantra is derived from ancient Eastern religions that used certain sexual practices as a way of attaining spiritual enlightenment. But, as you may have realized by now, many women consider all kinds of sexual play to be spiritual, and it need not be labeled an extended orgasm for a woman to feel transported to a spiritual realm. Since no one can or should try to define or label someone else\u2019s experience, I have tried to present a variety of experiences with as much flexibility and as little labeling as possible. In the following chapter, I shall explore why a spiritual perspective can be useful with regard to sex and orgasm.\n\n#  _**Notes**_\n\n1 Gina Ogden, _Women Who Love Sex: Ordinary Women Describe Their Paths to Pleasure, Intimacy, and Ecstasy_ (Trumpeter, 2007). Originally published in 1994.\n\n2 DVD: _How to Be a Sex Goddess in 101 Easy Steps: The Sluts and Goddesses Video Workshop_ , produced and directed by Annie Sprinkle and Maria Beatty, 1992, 52 minutes.\n\n3 DVD: _The Art of Extended Sexual Orgasm for Men and Women_ , Kathryn Grosz, Pacific Media, 2004, 80 minutes.\n\n4 Alan and Donna Brauer, _ESO: How You and Your Lover Can Give Each Other Hours of Extended Sexual Orgasm_ (Grand Central Publishing, 2001). Originally published in 1983."}
-{"input": " **Prompt:**\n\nWrite about the spiritual experience of orgasm, including its connection to the feminine, intuition, feelings, and oneness. Discuss how sex can be a way of attaining deep joy and a means of connecting with something greater. Mention the concept of Tantra and its origins, as well as its potential benefits and misconceptions. Address the importance of addressing past traumas and healing in order to fully experience spiritual sex. Finally, emphasize the individual nature of spiritual experiences and the need for self-acceptance and self-love.", "response": "\n\n**CHAPTER** **5**\n\n**THE SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE OF ORGASM**\n\n_Sex is about a spirituality that encompasses and honors nature and the feminine. Awakening our sexuality and finding out how sensitive our bodies really are is a life-long journey about finding our deeper selves._\n\n**\u2014DEBORAH SUNDAHL**\n\n  \n\n\n  \n\n\n_Sex is very spiritual for me. I feel very connected to my partner and the universe and feel myself to be \u201ccelebrating\u201d life, completely participating in the life stream!_\n\n  \n\n\n_I have had sex that felt very spiritual\u2014connections to deep goddess magic, or the stars, or working out past karma._\n\n  \n\n\n_Sex is spiritual; it is an experience of openness and vulnerability to the mystery. It is nourishing of all of my cells in a numinous energy infusion. It is ecstasy of the mystic variety. It is communion with the goddess. It places me in humble gratefulness\u2014in contact with the oneness of existence._\n\n  \n\n\n_Orgasm is a feeling of being deeply bonded with the universe. Yes, sex is spiritual! That energy is divine energy\u2026_\n\n#  **The Feminine**\n\nOver the last two centuries, we have become a patriarchal, technologically-based culture, and we have lost our connection to the earth, which is traditionally seen as feminine. We have placed great emphasis on the power of the intellect in an attempt to rise above our \u201canimal\u201d nature, and we have destroyed many wonderful natural resources in the process. Yet enormous joy lies in simply allowing ourselves to experience being one with the earth. The truth is, we are as much a product of the earth as any other animal, and, as earthquakes and storms and floods and tornadoes inform us, we are dependent on her for our well-being. We must learn to value our \u201cbaser,\u201d animal, instinctual selves instead of perceiving them as inferior or undesirable.\n\nSome women feel that sex is specifically about connecting with the earth:\n\n _I have had times in my life, when I feel like making love to the earth\u2014her beauty is overwhelming._\n\n  \n\n\n_To truly love and enjoy during sex is a spiritual act\u2014it is celebrating our connection with our lovers and ourselves and the whole living earth we are part of._\n\n  \n\n\n_I experience spiritual orgasms when I meditate before or during sex, and then I feel connected with the earth and the spirit world around me. This is done by simply being and really letting go._\n\nThe \u201cfeminine\u201d is manifested by intuition, by our feelings and our emotions, and by the sense of right and wrong that comes from our bodies, not from our intellect. Good sex cannot happen when the participants are coming from a purely intellectual place; good sex must involve feelings. For many  people, passionless sex just isn\u2019t worth the effort. When we get in touch with the feminine, we recognize that our bodies are sacred, and we allow ourselves to feel everything\u2014not just what has been deemed appropriate. Although this is sometimes painful, those who are willing to do it will find themselves more able to be fully present for life\u2014and for their sexual interactions.\n\n#  **Intuition and Feelings**\n\nProductivity is paramount in technologically-based, male-oriented societies. Being still, apparently doing nothing, is considered a waste of time. But there is a kind of inner knowing, or intuition, that comes from simply being very still and allowing sensations to arise from within. Men and women have equal access to this ability if they choose it, but it is a \u201cfeminine\u201d way of being. Consequently, it has often been belittled or dismissed. In fact, in order for any of us, female or male, to be whole people, it is necessary to integrate the masculine and the feminine internally and externally. The process of women and men redefining womanhood and manhood creates a balance of power between the two, because, ultimately, femininity and masculinity have nothing to do with external gender. They have to do with energy, with styles of communication, with ways of carrying oneself, with approaches to problem solving, and many other aspects of life more subtle than the genitals we happen to be born with.\n\n_**Being in touch with our feelings facilitates an openness that promotes the potential for great sex.**_\n\nTo have really good sex, we must be in touch with our intuition, that sense in our gut of what is right and wrong, good and bad. We need to be able to feel sensations in a way that _we_ have been trained _not_ to. It was an integral part of my upbringing to deny my feelings, and if something felt wrong, physically or emotionally, it was my job to push on through and pretend everything was all right.\n\nIf there is anything I have learned over the last twenty-plus years, it is this: when something feels wrong, especially if it is a consistent feeling, even if it is only small and nagging, then it _must_ be brought out in the open and discussed. But in a male-dominated society, if you can\u2019t prove  something with a rational argument, then you don\u2019t get a lot of attention. Just saying, \u201cI don\u2019t want this; it doesn\u2019t feel good,\u201d is rarely considered an adequate reason for not doing it. Yet in truth, it is the best and should be the only reason.\n\nWe cannot have good sex without being in touch with our bodies, and being in touch with our bodies requires being in touch with our feelings. If we squelch our feelings, we are squelching our passion\u2014an essential ingredient of sex.\n\nI know I have already said it a number of times, and I will say it again: verbal communication is essential. Yet, real communication occurs on a gut, or intuitive, level, without words. This is the wordless rapport that makes for an exceptional sexual experience with a partner. The first step in opening to this deep, nonverbal communication is honest verbal communication.\n\nSelf-stimulation\u2014our relationship to our own bodies\u2014is a very important practice, but human beings are naturally gregarious and we need connections with other human beings. Being in touch with our feelings facilitates an open-ness that promotes the potential for very good sex.\n\n_Sex in a relationship is very important to me. It\u2019s about communication and really giving each other something._\n\nMany people believe that the goal of spirituality is to free ourselves from the roller coaster of our emotions. It is certainly desirable to be in and come from a place of love rather than a place of fear. But denial of our feelings is not going to bring us to a place of enlightenment. _There is no such thing as a wrong feeling\u2014there is only a wrong way to act._ We can learn to express difficult emotions in ways that don\u2019t damage other people. Getting in touch with our empathic and compassionate selves allows us to relinquish our judgmental tendencies. Being a spiritually aware person does _not_ mean relinquishing great passion and desire. It is my belief that any spiritual practice should involve being most fully who we are, and being wholeheartedly involved in everything we do. We are here on this earth to be human beings, not to rise above the experience of being human. And to be fully human means to be passionate, sexual, angry, grief-stricken, joyful, loving, wonderful.\n\n_I feel passion is always bubbling beneath the surface of my being._\n\n#  **Separation, Oneness, and Passion**\n\nIf I had to define spirituality, I would say it is the sense of our selves as not \u201cseparate.\u201d We cannot be separate from something when we allow ourselves to feel passionate about it, when we throw ourselves into it with undiluted enthusiasm. We need to be able to do this with sex. Sadly, in our society, unrestrained passion is often seen as inappropriate, childlike behavior. It is considered mature, more adult, to distance ourselves from what we do and what we feel, and never to show signs of being out of control. The process of growing up could be interpreted as a process of defining and maintaining ourselves as separate.\n\n_Feeling intensely was the crime of my childhood and of my adolescence, and I was always told to put a lid on it. I\u2019ve learned that putting a lid on it is what makes me really depressed._\n\nAnd no wonder! We in the West think we need to be in control all the time. We think the spiritual experience of oneness will involve a merging in which we will lose our sense of identity as an individual. It is true that during an experience of bliss (which may occur during a particularly wonderful sexual encounter) we may temporarily lose our sense of ourselves as individuals. But we will always regain it. Who we are as individuals is unique and significant, and our sense of ourselves as individuals is something we must maintain if we are going to function in the world. Each one of us is a very precious part of the whole, and the whole is not whole without each of us exactly as we are, imperfect but glorious beings in imperfect human forms.\n\nSo what do I mean by having a sense of ourselves as not separate? I believe it is when we know that God-ness is not an external concept; it is when we recognize that God-ness is who we really are, that what people call _God_ is everything. It is an experience of ourselves as an invaluable part of the whole. It is an experience of ourselves as whole, complete, and perfect. It is when we see the barriers between us as false, and we cease to judge what is good or beautiful. It is when we simply accept what is, and what is feels absolutely right, and we are an integral part of it. Sex can bring us to a place where we feel this blissful sense of merging.\n\n_When I have a really good orgasm, I lose a sense of my limited self and feel connected to something greater._\n\n  \n\n\n_Sex can be spiritual in the sense of experiencing a feeling of union with one\u2019s partner, that you both are part of something bigger. Sometimes with sex I have that \u201ccosmic bond\u201d feeling so common to acid trips._\n\nThe concept of \u201csomething greater\u201d can be called by a variety of names. This is a quote from a man:\n\n _I whispered, \u201cYou can\u2019t fool me; you\u2019re not making love to me, you\u2019re making love to God!\u201d Her answer was a wonderful \u201cYeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees.\u201d_\n\nA sense of oneness can be experienced for no apparent reason other than a sudden awareness of beauty and joy. Or a sudden experience of oneness can bring a deep sense of beauty and joy. Whichever way round, this sense of beauty is often what gives rise to the spontaneous orgasms described in the previous chapter.\n\nI hope that you experience sex as one way of attaining very deep and real joy. And for that reason alone it is worth doing. In my opinion, _any_ deep experience of joy is spiritual and may also be sexual.\n\n_I was born pansexual. It was simple; I loved everything erotically, sensuously, simply, and with all my complex senses. My pansexual response is in the act of wonder, of delighting in the exact being of any person or thing that I love. When I admire the sparkling mist on my cat\u2019s long black fur I am sexual in my wonder._\n\nIntimacy coach and sex and spirit healer Anna Marti says:\n\n _We\u2019ve moved from the \u201cfunctional sex\u201d of the seventies where the emphasis was on achieving orgasm or erection, to an inquiry into sex that has meaning._\n\nMany women have a hard time with sex for the sake of sex, and they are looking for a higher purpose\u2014a spiritual connection.\n\n#  **Tantra**\n\nHere in the West, the study of Tantra has gone from an obscure, esoteric, and scholarly subject to being the hottest topic in town. Tantric sex is seen by some as the institutionalized spiritualization of sex. It is big business here in the United States, with all kinds of people teaching it, some of them wonderful and some of them charlatans. Traditional Tantra comes from ancient Buddhist and Hindu texts, and involves an immensely complex body of spiritual knowledge and practice. In its original form it was a series of rituals and practices which were designed to benefit an individual\u2019s health and ultimately promote union with the Divine. The central idea is to raise the _kundalini_ , or dormant life-force energy within us, which is often depicted as a serpent lying coiled at the base of the spine. Raising the kundalini, so that it flows upward through the body and finally out through the top of the head, can be achieved by conscious focus of the breath and via the energy flow that is kindled during sexual excitement.\n\nBecause, in the West, Tantra is so often reduced to its sexual aspects, it is frequently touted as a quick way to achieve sexual ecstasy. The true path of Tantra, like any spiritual path, involves a deep commitment to examining ourselves and our ways of being in the world; the goal is not to have great sex, it is to achieve enlightenment through sexual activity. It involves high levels of responsibility and integrity. And that\u2019s not something you can do in a weekend, no matter how much you pay for it. Be prepared: if you make a commitment to following the path of Tantric sexuality, you will make big changes in your life that may require a lot of personal healing work. As you may have realized by now, I believe this kind of work is essential if you are really going to have phenomenal sex, because having phenomenal sex can\u2019t be divorced from having a phenomenal life. Incredible sex, Tantric or otherwise, only happens when all parties are present, and that, in turn, involves being in a place of complete integrity.\n\n_I cannot separate sex and my spirituality. My spirituality involves acting at all times with an inner integrity. To connect with and truly respect a lover, and first of all you must feel this within yourself, is to honor the sacred, the goddess, the higher self, whatever we choose to name it._\n\nBe assured that if there are lots of things going wrong in your life, Tantric sex is _not_ going to make them miraculously better. If the reason you are not having good sex is because you keep choosing lousy partners, or you have no partner at all, or you have no idea how to communicate, learning about Tantric sex will only help you insofar as any path of healing will help you to get to the root of what is wrong. Don\u2019t get sucked in by promises of a lifetime of sexual ecstasy from one weekend. We all have difficult issues around our sexuality. One weekend workshop may help you begin to delve into some of the very painful places in your life that need healing. But just as you start to get into them, the weekend is over and you are dumped back into your life with gaping wounds and nowhere to go to get help.\n\nOn the other hand, such workshops may help you help your partner, and be of little or no use to you.\n\n_I have attended two Tantra classes. So far they have only helped me with pleasing my partner._\n\nTantric sex is one of many paths of healing available to us, and it may or may not be suited to you. It is not a quick fix. _Needing_ to experience sex as spiritual (in the sense of its being \u201cmore\u201d than merely physical) may be just as limiting as needing for sex _not_ to be spiritual. Sex is what it is, spiritual or otherwise. Some people may choose the Tantric path because they are afraid of messy animal passions, and they think that sex dressed up in the saffron robes of spirituality will be clean and nice and pure. In reality, what they may be looking for is a way of avoiding the intense feelings that come up for them when they are sexual. Some women have been so damaged by sex that they are afraid of it. Women who feel this way need to confront and attend to those very feelings they are trying to avoid and embark on the process of healing.\n\n_So much abuse, sexual and otherwise, has hurt many women, so that trusting and experiencing sex as a spiritual act may not be possible or appropriate._\n\nOther people are alienated by the image of spiritually oriented sex and the quite common misconception that that kind of sex will be devoid of passion, practiced exclusively by those with holier-than-thou  attitudes. While I can really understand this, let me make it clear that sex that is spiritually based is not necessarily divorced from passion; in its most ecstatic manifestations, it has everything to do with passion, as this woman clearly expresses:\n\n _My orgasms are much less thrilling without the component of foreplay, tension, and, at this point in my life, a spiritual component with my lover. It isn\u2019t so much a \u201cpure\u201d thing (I like it nasty and wild, some force and some surrender), it is the inclusion and awareness of the whole person._\n\nThere are a number of excellent books on Tantra. Some include complex breathing exercises that take a considerable commitment to master, but others dwell on techniques for channeling energy and developing better communication with your partner. Anyone may benefit from incorporating some aspects of Tantra into their sex life, and you may find it happens very easily.\n\n_My partner and I started off working with methods from a book, but then our practice evolved organically from our own sexuality._\n\n#  **Kundalini**\n\nThe _kundalini_ is the constant natural flow of energy coursing through our bodies, and it may be greatly amplified during an orgasm. But blockages can occur at any of the _chakras_ **,** which are the seven principal energy centers within the body. Think of them as staging areas for the kundalini as it travels up and down the spine. The symptoms that we experience as a result of a blockage depend on where that block is localized. The second chakra, based between the navel and the pubic bone, is the center of our emotions and our sexual power. Blocks at the second chakra can inhibit us from letting go into orgasm or prevent us from getting in touch with our feelings. It is very common in our culture to have blocks in the second chakra, and working on their release can have far-reaching effects on both our physical and emotional health.\n\nIf we are unable to fully release the energy of orgasm, we may find  ourselves suffering from a variety of post-orgasmic physical symptoms, such as headaches, nausea, and extremes of temperature. Sometimes these symptoms can be remedied by making sure your blood sugar level is high enough and you are sufficiently hydrated. But if the symptoms are the result of \u201cstuck\u201d energy at a particular chakra, then conscious work on freeing up the blocked area may be necessary.\n\nWhen its flow is unhindered, kundalini energy acts like a wave that washes through us, clearing out obstacles in its path. Many women experience orgasm as a feeling of opening and a cleansing on many levels. The seventh chakra, located at the top of our heads, is the chakra that connects us to cosmic or divine energy\u2014all that is. An orgasm that comes flooding up through the body and out the crown of our heads often leaves us with an experience of oneness with the universe. Learning to let an orgasm fill up your whole being brings with it a unique sense of rejuvenation.\n\n_It\u2019s as if sex is what charges my batteries, and I can run for a good long while when I\u2019ve got a good charge, but only so long. Being in a nonsexual place is not good for me; it\u2019s like cutting me off from my life energy, from my energy source. It\u2019s cutting myself off from the most real, deepest part of me, the real true me._\n\nThe third chakra is the center of the will; it is concerned with power and control. An individual may use the willpower of the third chakra to prevent the orgasmic energy from rising up, to protect the heart (the fourth chakra) from the overwhelming emotions that sometimes accompany an orgasm. If sexual energy is prevented from rising to the heart, you may have difficulty connecting sex with love. You may make a conscious choice to remove the block, and use the energy of orgasm to wash the block away.\n\nDirecting energy is very simple: just focus your attention on wherever you want it to go, as you feel yourself approaching the crest of the wave of orgasm. You need not do this with a lover; in fact, it may be easier to do it on your own, at least to begin with. You can prolong the experience by stopping yourself at the point just before going over. As you practice you will be able to stay in that state of \u201csuspended\u201d ecstasy for long periods.\n\n_I\u2019m aware of the energy rising, and I use techniques to help it rise. I place one hand on my clitoris, and then I touch each of the other six chakra centers, one by one, very slowly, my head last. That way the energy goes out the top of my head when I come. It\u2019s very much a spiritual experience._\n\n#  **The Breath**\n\n_The single most important key to sex that I\u2019ve yet discovered is conscious rhythmic breathing\u2014the more you breathe the more you feel, and the more you come alive\u2026 Many of us breathe only enough to survive but not to live fully. Deep breathing is a door to waking up, to healing, and to more personal freedom._\n\n**\u2014DR. ANNIE SPRINKLE**\n\n  \n\n\nWorking with the breath is an important part of Tantric exercises and kundalini yoga. Breath is more than just air; it oxygenates our blood, which allows our miraculous brains and bodies to function. Experiment with different kinds of breathing: short, quick breaths or long, deep ones, emptying or filling your lungs completely, long inhale and short exhale, or vice versa, and any combination of these. Try visualizing the breath as energy. Conscious breathing will enhance your sex life in different ways: pull the breath down into your belly if you want to build energy; or imagine the air flowing up and out from your belly if you want to release energy. You may use the breath to concentrate the energy within or release it from any part of your body. But be aware that this kind of physical work may bring up feelings that you have unconsciously kept buried.\n\n_I consciously focus on following a connection through my body with the life-force energy. It feels different when I touch myself with this intention, even though physically I may be doing exactly the same things as when my thoughts are less \u201cpure!\u201d My orgasms from this are often quite intense. If I do it when I\u2019m not relaxed and in tune, then opening myself up psychically like this can bring up a lot of different and sometimes difficult issues._\n\nSynchronizing rhythmic breathing with body movements can promote deep healing. The following technique was described to me by Jwala, who has done workshops on Tantric sex all over the world:\n\n _I have women lie on their backs and breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth. I call it connected breathing, breathing in a circle with no holding at either end. This breathing stimulates the lymphatic system, which is where old memories are held. So this breathing can heal old emotional or physical memories. I have women do a pelvic rock in time with their breathing. On the inhale they push their bellies out and lift their backs off the floor, tilting the pelvis downward. On the exhale they flatten the back, tilting the pelvis upward, and contracting the PC muscle. The inhale and the exhale are the same length. The inhale pulls in inspiration and healing energy, and the exhale pushes out the painful memories that have come to the surface and need to be released. The PC muscle acts as a sexual pump, and as you undulate with the pelvic rock, the spinal-cerebral fluid is stimulated._\n\n#  **Meditation**\n\nSpending ten minutes a day sitting in meditation can calm you down, relieve stress, teach you to be aware of the movement of energy within your body, and help you to get in touch with your feelings. Meditation is about quieting the mind. In this culture we are generally encouraged to keep our minds \u201cgainfully\u201d occupied and thus distracted from looking within. Most of us are run by inner voices that are constantly telling us what to do. Quieting those voices is essential if you want to tap into your intuition, and if you want to be really present for anything.\n\nSome people experience oneness when they meditate. They arrive at a state of \u201cno-thought,\u201d where they lose their sense of separation. As Jana, the Buddhist monk, says, this is the same place you can get to during orgasm:\n\n _A really good orgasm takes me to a place that it takes in months of sitting in za-zen to get to._\n\nLetting go into sexual ecstasy is not so different from letting go into spiritual ecstasy, after all. They both require going beyond the gratification of the ego, and this requires coming from a place of integrity and honesty.\n\nThere are many different methods of meditating and there are marvelous teachers and books on the subject. If you want to meditate specifically as an aid to your sexual awareness, you can even masturbate as a meditation: learning to be fully focused, present, and centered in your experience of sexual arousal.\n\n#  **Love, Sex, and Sanity**\n\nSpirituality is about learning to love. Our lessons in love very often come from the people we are sexual with. Therefore, although it is a concept we have lost sight of in our society, I see relationship as a spiritual practice.\n\nWe are rarely encouraged to love unconditionally, unless it is in the context of religion or patriotism. How we are \u201csupposed\u201d to feel about someone is based on all kinds of external judgments. Parents are supposed to love their children, and children their parents. You are supposed to feel a greater kinship with someone from your own country than you are toward people from other countries. You are not supposed to feel sexual love for someone much younger or much older than yourself. You are supposed to love your spouse to the exclusion of all others. You are not supposed to feel sexual love toward anyone of the same gender. In reality, however, love is rarely so discriminatory.\n\n_Love is a way of being in the world._\n\nLearning to love fully involves opening your heart. Opening your heart is not easy if you have learned to keep it closed to prevent experiencing pain and loss. You _will_ experience pain and loss when you open your heart, but you will also experience the love, joy, and connections with other beings that make life worth living. Opening your heart may be a long, slow process. You open it a little and then close it a little, open it, close it. A great orgasm can sweep away the blocks that build up in day-to-day living.\n\n_When my heart is open, love comes flowing in from whomever or whatever I\u2019m loving, as well as from the earth, the sky, the goddess._\n\nHowever, I am not saying that if you open your heart, you are going to want to be sexual with everyone, nor that if you are sexual with lots of people, you are going to open your heart to them all. Be compassionate, but be discerning about who you open up to sexually. Just because you are sexual with someone doesn\u2019t mean it is wise to open your heart to that person on a long-term basis. The person who was with you when you had that great orgasm (or two or three or four\u2026) might have been wonderful last night, but you made the love happen together, and chances are that you can also experience love in other ways and from other sources. When you\u2019ve just had an incredible orgasm, you may reach a kind of altered state where you are highly receptive or suggestible. In this state you can become disoriented and make unwise decisions.\n\n_When I\u2019m with the right person it\u2019s easier to slip out of \u201creality\u201d in that intimate space so that I get the feeling we are both caught up in something bigger than us, which I regard as the life force / source. I don\u2019t often orgasm in this situation\u2014lots of intense coming feelings with no real peak\u2014but if I do come it\u2019s a definite merging / boundary-less space of all body / no body rolling and tumbling like a pebble at the edge of the ocean. Post-orgasm, I have real difficulty focusing and \u201csee\u201d my lover quite differently._\n\nWhether or not you end up in a long-term relationship with any lover, allow the love to empower you in _yourself_ and in your life. I\u2019m not saying you shouldn\u2019t stay with one person for the rest of your life. If that\u2019s what works for you, then go for it. But this model simply doesn\u2019t work for everyone, and if it doesn\u2019t work for you, then don\u2019t beat yourself up over it. There are plenty of other models that might work for you. They are, or should be, a matter of individual choice.\n\n_I suppose one day when I\u2019m ninety I might feel differently, but right now I can\u2019t imagine one person fulfilling me sexually._\n\n  \n\n\n_It would be too exhausting to be sexual with lots of people, not because of the sex, but the aftereffects._\n\n  \n\n\n_It doesn\u2019t work for me to limit myself to having only one sexuallove relationship, any more than it would for me to say I will have only one friend._\n\n  \n\n\n_It all just seems too dicey and complicated to get into being sexual with someone that I don\u2019t have a major commitment to._\n\nIn theory, opening your heart is not dependent on being in a relationship, but for many women sex is a way of bonding with their partner. In fact, most women can\u2019t separate their sexual experiences from their feelings for their partner. And sex is incredible when it is combined with a psychic and emotional connection.\n\n_There\u2019s a huge difference in intensity of orgasms, from functional when self-stimulated, to incredibly intense within a committed lover relationship._\n\n  \n\n\n_Sex with another person is about melting, opening, fusing, sharing._\n\nIn the long term, sex is undeniably about the way we relate to the rest of the world, but in the short term, sex doesn\u2019t have to be about anyone else at all, it can just be about you and your relationship to the forces of life. This is what Linci means when she says that sex is a spiritual experience, and it being so is _not_ dependent on her having a deep emotional bond with her partner. We tend to look for someone outside of our selves to make us feel good. Sometimes we get so busy searching for a relationship, when what we really need to do is to look within and learn to love ourselves.\n\n_It\u2019s easier to immerse myself in bad habits and familiar ways of being in the world than to take the courage to admire myself, to step into the sacred space with myself to see all of who I am._\n\nIt is easy to get caught up in negative relationship patterns because love is so important to us, that we may be unable to see beyond our fear of losing  it. It is a very real human need, to want to feel loved by others. When we\u2019re getting enough love, life is much more likely to seem wonderful. But love from others will never fill the vacuum that exists if we don\u2019t love ourselves. We will never have really good relationships until we know how to love ourselves.\n\nThe fact that many women don\u2019t have satisfactory sex lives is often because of problems they are having in relating to their sexual partners. The root cause may be that a woman has not looked at her own issues and hasn\u2019t learned to love herself. This may take many forms: perhaps she is clinging to the lover she has, instead of trusting that there are other people in the world she can be close to; perhaps she wants the relationship to be a certain way instead of letting it evolve; perhaps she is withholding emotions; perhaps she is afraid of asking for what she wants; perhaps she loses a sense of herself when she is in a relationship.\n\n_I think I\u2019m actually less likely to have great sex with someone when I\u2019m in a relationship with them where I have all kinds of expectations and needs. Intimacy seems to wreck the sex part._\n\nA relationship, whether sexual or not, is the single most valuable arena for learning about ourselves that we will ever find. Every kind of relationship, whether easy or difficult or somewhere in the middle, reflects something we can look at and learn from, or persistently choose to ignore. If you choose to ignore them, then you will be the poorer, though I fully acknowledge that some lessons are hard to look at. The key to being able to look at these things honestly is self-acceptance. We all have faults, not one of us is perfect, and _we are not meant to be perfect._ Accept yourself as you are, and you can begin to work with what you\u2019ve got.\n\nIn the ideal relationship, sex is about love; it is about a heart connection, about merging with your partner, about oneness with all things. But most relationships cannot maintain such an intense level of intimacy every day. A relationship doesn\u2019t have to be all or nothing; it can be somewhere in between. You don\u2019t have to move in with your lover just because you have outrageous sex, and you don\u2019t have to experience merging with the universe every time you make love. You can love someone and be very close, and only occasionally be sexual with them. Or you can love someone and have great sex, and know that you don\u2019t want to  see them every day, and don\u2019t want to share your household with them.\n\n_I had an orgasm once without any direct physical stimulation at all, and it was one of those the-Buddha-came-down-and-puta-lotus-in-my-heart kind of things. That was with a guy I really trusted sexually and had known for years but wasn\u2019t in any kind of committed relationship with. We\u2019d had an on-and-off sexual thing for years. I made myself really vulnerable with him and I had a real crush on him, but I didn\u2019t feel like I could ever have a partnership thing with him._\n\nSociety doesn\u2019t accord much status to relationships that don\u2019t include a live-in scenario. In reality, the sexual connection, and the love between you and your partner, may benefit from maintaining a certain independence. Moreover, just because you love one person doesn\u2019t mean you cannot love another, and opening your heart to someone does not mean giving yourself up to that person. These are some of the hardest lessons for women to learn.\n\n_All relationships are games. Games can be wonderful or they can involve manipulation, deceit, and worse._\n\n_\u2014_ **PATRICIA HUNTER**\n\n  \n\n\nThere is a great deal of emphasis placed on finding the \u201cright\u201d person to love and then staying with that person for the rest of your life. Many women equate having a partner with happiness. They are searching for self-completion through the relationship, and they place more importance on maintaining the relationship than they do on their own needs.\n\n_I still have the model of monogamous heterosexual marriage stored in my bones, no matter how much I\u2019ve strayed from the norm. We focus our needs for intimacy on our sexual partners and we don\u2019t develop it with others in our lives. Then we become unduly dependent on the person we are sexual with._\n\n  \n\n\n_It\u2019s been difficult for me to love and to learn to preserve my own space._\n\nComing to terms with the fact that a relationship isn\u2019t working may mean allowing ourselves to feel grief. But in the long run, facing our grief will allow us to make changes that need to be made, so we can let go and open up to something that could be more fulfilling.\n\n_Now that my body can get to experience full-blown ejaculatory orgasm, I find that what I\u2019m longing for is a deep, loving, spiritual connection. I\u2019ve gradually discovered that my present husband doesn\u2019t enjoy the activities that turn me on, like dancing, swimming, singing, hiking, artwork. So I have turned to other people to share these enthusiasms, and I feel lonely with him. My body will still have a full-blown orgasm if stimulated enough, but my heart is not in it._\n\nIt is a concept most of us are brought up with, that real love lasts forever, and there is something wrong with us if we can\u2019t make it last forever. Real love _is_ immutable, but the external manifestations of that love (our relationships) must be allowed to evolve. Trying to control your partner or keep your relationship in stasis may be the quickest way to ensure the demise of spontaneity and desire.\n\n_Sometimes I want sex to be just sex, without all the complications._\n\n  \n\n\n_Sometimes it seems a lot less complicated to have sex with people you don\u2019t love. But in the long run, I know I don\u2019t want to jeopardize my relationship with my partner._\n\nIn case you are thinking otherwise, let me assure you I am a great believer in long-term relationships, although I don\u2019t _depend_ on them remaining sexual. There is a certain depth of intimacy that you can achieve with long-term partners, even if you cease to be passionate with them, that is irreplaceable. Just because you meet new people you love, doesn\u2019t mean you have to stop loving the old ones. And although sex can be a wonderful way of manifesting love, it is certainly not the only way.\n\nSome women can have great sex with someone they don\u2019t love or don\u2019t know, and other women need that special connection to make sex  really worthwhile. Some women long only for a lifetime partner, while others want lots of lovers. Whatever you choose, make sure it is a free choice and not a reaction to your fears. And do not judge others for their choices. There is no right way of relating to other people and no path that is more \u201cspiritual\u201d than any other.\n\n_I can have good orgasms with someone I don\u2019t know or even like very much. I don\u2019t have to feel taken care of. I just have to know that I\u2019m not going to be abused._\n\n  \n\n\n_There\u2019s something very clean about being with a stranger, because you have no baggage._\n\n  \n\n\n_I\u2019m always looking for sex that is a psychic, spiritual, emotional union with another person. Strangers don\u2019t do it for me. I seem to have to be in love for the sex to be really good. But I can be in love with more than one person at a time, and I often get that feeling pretty early on with someone._\n\n  \n\n\n_I see my lover as my lifetime partner, and our relationship is part of my spiritual path._\n"}
-{"input": "Could not generate response.", "response": "\n\n**CHAPTER** **6**\n\n**THE ELUSIVE ORGASM**\n\n_In the last twenty-five years, women have learned more about their bodies, although the feeling still lingers that needing clitoral stimulation for an orgasm is not as good. So the situation has improved, but we still have many of the same issues: women are still suffering from childhood abuse issues, and women are still bringing anger into the bedroom._\n\n**\u2014LONNIE BARBACH**\n\n  \n\n\n  \n\n\n_I generally consider orgasm to be one aspect of lovemaking; contentment and intimacy do not pivot upon climax._\n\n  \n\n\n_I am not interested in trying to have more orgasms or \u201cbetter\u201d ones. I feel that I\u2019ve \u201cbeen there, done that.\u201d I\u2019m so happy just to satisfy my natural sexual needs with someone who loves me. If I come, it\u2019s great, and if I don\u2019t, it\u2019s no big deal to me\u2026in my first marriage it was made a big deal and I was so miserable!_\n\n#  **Variations in Desire**\n\nEven easily orgasmic women go through phases when they don\u2019t have orgasms. There are bound to be times when we just don\u2019t want to be sexual, and diminished (or absent) desire may last for several hours or several years. People often point to hormonal variations as the overt cause, but there are many reasons why our hormones vary, and those reasons are harder to pinpoint. We need to look deeper. Sometimes it\u2019s simply part of the monthly menstrual cycle:\n\n _My body needs to be receptive to sex, which it often isn\u2019t, but the best time is right after my period. My orgasms are best after my period because my body is craving sex. Other times of the month sex can feel like an invasion and I do not enjoy it._\n\nNot everyone feels sexual right after their period. Some women are horniest when they are ovulating, and others at the beginning of their period. Terry very specifically says she wants penetration during her period. Many women don\u2019t notice any monthly variation in desire.\n\nIt is important for us to learn to respect the times when our bodies don\u2019t want sex no matter how much our minds might think it\u2019s a good idea. Due to the pressures of the society we live in, it is often impossible for us to give in to the needs dictated by our monthly cycles. Perhaps the day will come when we arrange our schedules according to our hormones, but for now we are usually forced to make our hormones fit into our schedules, which is often easier said than done.\n\nSexual desire apart, all sorts of feelings may be simmering under the surface throughout the month and only become obvious when a woman is premenstrual. Hormonal cycles are often belittled with remarks like, \u201cOh, she\u2019s just on her period,\u201d but it is important to realize that the feelings that come up for a woman when she is menstrual or premenstrual are feelings that exist for her all the time. A woman may feel consistent ambivalence about sex, and it\u2019s only when her hormones are raging that she recognizes it. Whatever feelings come up, they are real, they are important, and they need to be attended to. And it will probably be easier to express them appropriately if their owner is not trying to ignore them. When feelings come out covertly, they are much more likely to be damaging.\n\nWomen\u2019s bodies change with the onset of menopause, and their  patterns of desire may increase or decrease. Even if sexual desire remains the same, some women find that their sexual responses are different.\n\n_My interest in sex dropped dramatically upon entering the menopause years._\n\n  \n\n\n_My orgasms have changed since I became menopausal. There are often several plateaus which seem like they might be a rather mild orgasm, but if I continue sexual stimulation the energy continues to build to a powerful orgasm. I can also stop at any of the plateaus and be satisfied. Previously I could move more quickly to a powerful orgasm, and my body seemed to demand that I get there. Now my sexual energy is slower._\n\nMy personal experience with menopause is that I have just as much or more sexual desire, but my orgasms are less explosive and more diffuse than they used to be. Once again, women differ. There may be so many other physical or psychological factors affecting us during this period of our lives that it becomes impossible to pinpoint what is cause and what is effect.\n\n#  **Hysterectomies, Medications, and Aging**\n\nWomen are likely to notice a difference in their sexual responses following a hysterectomy.1 It is commonly reported by the medical establishment that if the ovaries are not removed, then a woman\u2019s hormonal cycles, and consequently her sexuality, are not affected. But we know that the uterus contracts during sexual excitement; if there is no uterus, then there may not be the same sensations of pleasure. Some women have reported their orgasms occurring in the place where their uterus once lay before it was removed. Other women enjoy sex less after a hysterectomy. Unfortunately, doctors rarely inform women of this possibility. In fact, doctors often seem to be unaware of this particular side effect of the surgery.\n\nA woman facing a hysterectomy might want to express her concerns to her surgeon.\n\n_The existence and location of the G-spot is extremely important for surgeons to consider when performing operations. Cutting in the wrong place may deprive certain women of future pleasure\u2026this may depend upon the type of surgery performed as well as which nerves and tissues were disturbed. (From_ The G-Spot _, by Ladas, Whipple, and Perry_ _2_ _)_\n\nThere are many kinds of medical problems that affect sexuality. Endometriosis, interstitial cystitis, and fibroid tumors can all cause pain with sexual arousal or intercourse. Medications can affect sexual desire in various ways. Medication to lower blood pressure also lowers desire. All antidepressants (except Wellbutrin and Serzone) are reported (by the manufacturers as well as by consumers) to affect sexuality, either frequently or occasionally. One doctor I spoke with said that 13 \u2013 26 percent of women taking Prozacrelated antidepressants will suffer from anorgasmia as a result. Patients are seldom informed of this side effect, since doctors are reluctant to discourage them from taking the medication. Some people don\u2019t notice anything, but others experience a wide variety of effects, from increase or lessening of desire to different sorts of sexual dysfunction. Lisa describes her experience on Prozac:\n\n _The medication affects my timing: when the action is really hot, and I\u2019m having passionate sex and I want to come, I can\u2019t; then when the party is over I have an orgasm, but it\u2019s really too late. There have been times when I\u2019ve had to work so hard for an orgasm that it just wasn\u2019t worth it._\n\nPeople often think that older women have less sexual desire, an assumption that is by no means always true. The women I spoke with who were over sixty had all noticed changes, but not always a decrease, in desire. Some women find that they feel freer to be themselves and are better able to express their passion as they get older.\n\n_I think that in spite of the volatile passions of young womanhood, age has brought me the real gift of passion. I love its physical surge, I love that it comes surging out of me when I think the lid is on._\n\n#  **Disappearing Orgasms**\n\nAlmost all the women I spoke with have had the experience at one time or another of a disappearing orgasm; the energy gets to a peak, from which it normally floods through the body, and instead of doing so, it just isn\u2019t there any more. Donna says it\u2019s almost as though the orgasm implodes. It doesn\u2019t bother her because she has orgasms easily. But for women who don\u2019t come as easily, it can be frustrating when they fizzle out.\n\nI\u2019ve had the experience of getting to a peak and failing to go over the edge into orgasm. Since being at that peak is wonderful in itself, I usually don\u2019t mind that I don\u2019t go over the edge, and I enjoy retaining the sensations of arousal. It was more frustrating back in the days when I wasn\u2019t sure I would be able to come at all. On a mental level I wanted to have something I could definitely label orgasm, and I wanted my partner to feel that she had satisfied me. Now that I have orgasms more easily, I don\u2019t depend on them for satisfaction.\n\nA number of women said they weren\u2019t always certain whether they were coming or not, which suggests that the boundaries between orgasm and being highly charged sexually\u2014almost coming, on the edge of coming\u2014are somewhat blurred. I know that I have had the experience of not being sure whether what just happened was an orgasm. Since I no longer have the same need for a label, it doesn\u2019t matter. An orgasm can vary from a full-blown explosion that leaves you feeling totally relaxed, to what Clara calls an almost-asm, which is a peak without any real release. A long buildup may slowly fade away to nothing without any kind of explosion, or an orgasm can come very fast and be gone just as swiftly. There may be very little experience of a peak, simply a sense of excitement followed by a sense of relaxation. There may be a very clear and definite peak, or there may be none. And there are many variations in between.\n\n#  **Recognizing an Orgasm**\n\nSometimes what it takes for us to recognize orgasms is for someone else to tell us that it seems as though we are having them. We can train ourselves to feel something physically, when we have a mental assurance that it exists. You might think this is delusion, but in truth, the labels we put on our experiences are only labels. What matters is enjoying ourselves.\n\nThat said, we may still want to know. Some women say that you can tell  when you\u2019ve had an orgasm because there is a sense of ending\u2014a culmination\u2014followed by a cessation in desire. This may be a way of divining the difference between what is an orgasm and what isn\u2019t, if you have very mild ones. If you masturbate regularly and have not experienced anything you would label as an orgasm, then ask yourself what it is that makes you decide to stop masturbating. If the answer is, \u201cWhy would I go on?\u201d then you are probably having very mild orgasms. Don\u2019t worry: with a little time and concentration you will very likely build up to bigger ones.\n\nIt is true that some women have one big orgasm and that\u2019s it\u2014they don\u2019t want to be touched any more. But just as many women claim that they can come all night, which doesn\u2019t fit with the idea of an orgasm being the point where desire ceases. Other women (such as myself) need to have multiple orgasms before we feel satisfied; having only one is going over the top, but only just, and it does not involve a cessation of desire.\n\nIt is also not uncommon for a woman to feel overwhelmed by the desire to stop being sexual when she has _not_ had an orgasm. Laura used to think that orgasms were overrated, because she always arrived at a point during lovemaking when she suddenly stopped wanting sex. She thought that cessation of desire was an orgasm, because it certainly was an ending for her.\n\n_I\u2019d try and try and try to stay with my sexual desire until he came, for his sake, but then I\u2019d hit a wall and I\u2019d start crying, because I just couldn\u2019t go on any more._\n\nOther women say that the sensation of being penetrated can become too much quite abruptly, without any sensation of orgasm.\n\n_Sometimes with penetration, the excitement can build and then I\u2019ll suddenly feel satiated, or that I just can\u2019t take any more._\n\nThe feeling of \u201cstop now!\u201d is not necessarily connected with orgasm at all. Instead, it may be a sense of anxiety that surfaces without warning from the unconscious, rather than any physically based reaction. It may be prompted by a buried memory of past abuse.\n\n#  **Anorgasmic Women**\n\nHow many women really don\u2019t have orgasms? Probably many more than we realize, since it\u2019s hard for a woman to admit she doesn\u2019t have them. I received completed questionnaires from ninety-five women, and I personally spoke with thirty more women. Of these one hundred twenty-five, six of them (aged twenty-three, twenty-eight, thirty-six, forty-one, forty-seven, and fifty-nine) were anorgasmic, one (aged sixty-two) wasn\u2019t sure, and one didn\u2019t have an orgasm till she was forty-one. Several women said they were dissatisfied with their sexual responses: one said she didn\u2019t think she was experiencing her full potential of orgasm; another was frustrated because she could only have orgasms on her own, not with her boyfriend. It is notable that the majority of women who filled in the questionnaire were in their thirties and forties. I think there are many teenagers who don\u2019t have orgasms, and they aren\u2019t going to talk about it. I only heard from three women under twenty, all of whom were orgasmic. Although there is far more real information available about sex these days than there was twenty or thirty years ago, people have to _want to_ find it, and in some ways there is less encouragement to look for it than there was ten years ago (perhaps because of fear of AIDS, perhaps because of the backlash against the sexual revolution of the seventies). A lot of women who are not having satisfactory sex don\u2019t know how to address that, or want to avoid addressing it.\n\nThere are probably also a number of older women who are not having orgasms because they are from a generation that didn\u2019t experiment much, due to fewer options and less efficient methods of birth control. Uncooperative partners may always be a problem.\n\n_My husband didn\u2019t appreciate my need for clitoral stimulation during intercourse. I think he felt like vaginal stimulation from him should be sufficient. He said I was too demanding._\n\nOn the other hand, some older women are having better sex than they were earlier on in life.\n\n_Now that I\u2019m fifty I expect to have orgasms when I\u2019m making love, even multiple orgasms. But I wouldn\u2019t have expected to have an orgasm with my lover in my twenties._\n\nThis may be biological, it may be a matter of the self-confidence that comes with age, or it may be thanks to greater access to birth control, which is bound to make women feel more relaxed in bed. Most likely it is because sex (and life in general) is a learned activity that gets better with practice. Speaking from my own experience, some of us just get less uptight as we get older, as we begin to heal from the negative effects of repressive childhoods.\n\nAs I\u2019ve said earlier, I never intended my survey to be statistically viable. However, other surveys do claim to be statistically sound. I am very suspicious of such claims because I think women are very unlikely to say anything at all if they don\u2019t have orgasms. Therefore I believe we\u2019re only hearing from the ones who do orgasm.\n\n_If a woman is ashamed of being anorgasmic she\u2019s not likely to say it to anyone, especially eye to eye._\n\n_\u2014_ **LONNIE BARBACH**\n\n  \n\n\nFor what it\u2019s worth, the 1992 National Health and Social Life Survey3 found that only 29 percent of women regularly have an orgasm with a partner. A 1995 lesbian sex survey by Janet Lever, PhD,4 indicated that 83 percent of lesbians have orgasms with their partners. Since the lesbian survey was concerned with a more specific population than the NHSLS study, the two surveys are not really comparable. But if lesbians are more likely to have orgasms than heterosexual women, it may be because female sex partners are more likely to have an intimate understanding of how another woman\u2019s body responds. And if the couple has a goal, that goal is more likely to be orgasm for both lovers in a lesbian exchange, whereas it might be intercourse, with or without the woman\u2019s orgasm, in a heterosexual exchange.\n\nRita is a twenty-three-year-old woman who doesn\u2019t have orgasms. When I interviewed Rita, what impressed me most about her was her willpower. She has a brain that doesn\u2019t quit. She thinks about and analyzes everything, and that is how she asserts herself in the world, how she makes herself feel safe and in control.\n\n_It took me a really long time to acknowledge I had feelings at all, much less sexual feelings. I was just really shut down._\n\nLike so many other people, when she was still very young Rita learned that it was necessary to stay in control of her body and her feelings at all times. And because she is very mentally agile, it wasn\u2019t hard for her to learn to control the physical manifestations of sexual desire. It may be harder for her to dismantle her belief system and unlearn that skill, but I have no doubt that she will be able to do it. She is clearly a sexual person; she has been interested in sex since she was ten, she enjoys sex, and she masturbates regularly. Rita is on a path of sexual exploration and is willing to take the time to learn how to let go into orgasm.\n\nI asked her if she thought it was possible that she was having orgasms and just not allowing herself to feel them consciously.\n\n_I suppose it\u2019s possible, although I think it\u2019s very unlikely. I know I\u2019m not feeling a waterfall, or an earthquake, but I do reach these intense peaks. They\u2019re not satisfying, though. I feel that if I could just let go and go with this, then it would be satisfying. I never can let go._\n\nRita also talked about hitting a wall, which she has since learned to back away from.\n\n_I\u2019ve learned to stop before I get to that wall. Physically it\u2019s so intense, I just can\u2019t handle it. I don\u2019t know how to process that level of intensity. I don\u2019t know how to understand it. I have to be able to grasp it and intellectualize it, and I can\u2019t do that. It feels like I\u2019m on the edge of this cliff and I can\u2019t fall, and I\u2019m going to fall. I get all tense. I can\u2019t relax. It\u2019s very anticlimactic._\n\nThe brick wall phenomenon is reported by quite a few women who have trouble reaching an orgasm. There are various ways of working with it, such as giving it a voice, examining it, making friends with it, or finding a way around it. Whatever you choose to do, it is advisable to acknowledge its presence and try to discover the reason for its existence, rather than to try and smash your way through it.\n\nRita, with her strong will and analytical mind, is probably fairly typical of the kind of women who do not easily let go into orgasm. I believe that we may use the power of the conscious mind to prevent our bodies from  expression and feeling. We build a wall between what we think is \u201cacceptable\u201d or safe, and what our bodies desire, and from a very young age, we exert conscious control to maintain that wall. This conscious control becomes so habitual, it ceases to be conscious, and we then can\u2019t reverse it when we decide it\u2019s time to have an orgasm, or cry, or express anger, or do any of the other things we have consigned to the other side of the wall. It is only when our guard drops that we find ourselves expressing these aspects of ourselves.\n\n_I once had a lover who could only come in her sleep, from an erotic dream. It would happen about once a month. If she woke up, the orgasm would stop, so she\u2019d actively try not to surface into a waking state. Years later, she told me she did finally learn to come while she was awake._\n\nPeople who have been having orgasms all their lives often imagine that women who don\u2019t have them live in a state of constant arousal with no way of getting any release. But our bodies are not stupid. If a woman doesn\u2019t have orgasms, then it may be that she has found other ways of getting release, or that she is not getting aroused and doesn\u2019t need any release. It may be that she can\u2019t handle having orgasms for reasons that are carefully buried in her unconscious.\n\n_I can\u2019t say that I was often aware of a very specific frustration in my body, not having orgasms. It was in comparison to other people\u2019s orgasms that I felt inadequate. I suppose I was shutting off. I did have a sense that there was a door I just couldn\u2019t open, and the door was not the actual orgasm, but just the door to that possibility on a physiological level._\n\n  \n\n\n_Sex used to be this peculiar thing that other people did. And I never missed it because there was nothing to miss. I couldn\u2019t imagine sex being satisfying\u2014it just wasn\u2019t a word I\u2019d use of sex. There was nothing to satisfy._\n\nClara joined a self-help group for nonorgasmic women in the seventies. She masturbated regularly as part of her homework. The group made her  feel worse in some ways, because in spite of her efforts she still didn\u2019t reach orgasm, but she found that she was much more in touch with her body than some of the other women in the group:\n\n _Looking at her hand, one woman said, \u201cI just wish I could feel this body was mine.\u201d_\n\nAmbivalence about our bodies, and the sense that we don\u2019t have control over them, are very common feelings for women in this society, and are undoubtedly at the root of a great deal of dissatisfaction with sex. I suggest some ways of overcoming these problems in Chapter Eight. But it is important to remember that orgasms are not a static experience. For most people there is a continuum from not having them at all to having really huge ones\u2014and no one has really huge ones every time.\n\n_If I am mentally stressed, I cannot relax into lovemaking. If my lover is dominant and takes the time to wind me down, then I can have a huge orgasm\u2014all the stress is released and I just explode\u2014but this takes a lot of work!_\n\n#  **Cultural Conditioning**\n\nMuch deeper forces may be at work, preventing us from claiming our sexual power. Since the beginning of Western culture, women have been seen as the caretakers and men as the providers. Being a caretaker meant putting the needs of others before her own. Being a provider entitled a man to her care. Despite changing gender roles, these expectations and assumptions continue to this day. If a woman\u2019s husband indicates that he needs sex, a woman may feel that she is failing in her role as caretaker if she denies it to him.\n\nAlthough it certainly doesn\u2019t have to be this way, the act of penetration may require a woman to surrender to a vulnerability that she doesn\u2019t want to experience. Other forms of sexual play are not seen as requiring the same kind of surrender.\n\n_Penetration is the exquisite \u201cgiving in\u201d to someone, letting them in. Oral sex is the ultimate luxury._\n\nOne difference between penetration and having an orgasm is that the former can be forced and the latter cannot. This may be why some women\u2019s bodies are reluctant to orgasm; it is the one place where they are able to say, \u201cThis is _my_ body, and I\u2019m not giving it up!\u201d\n\nA woman who doesn\u2019t really believe she has the right to refuse sex is going to consciously or unconsciously feel resentment toward her lovers, and she is not likely to want to surrender in the one area of her life where she knows she can\u2019t be forced, where she is still in control\u2014letting go into orgasm. If she has been brought up to believe that she _has_ to give in to the wishes of her mate, and that sex is primarily, if not wholly, for a man\u2019s pleasure, then why would she want to surrender in the one situation where she doesn\u2019t have to?\n\nI think one can see how a woman might, on an unconscious level, find _not_ having an orgasm preferable to having one, even if it means sacrificing her own pleasure. She might even experience it as personally empowering to thwart a man\u2019s enjoyment. And she might not see it as sacrificing her pleasure if she did not perceive sex being for her pleasure in the first place. Growing up in a society that devalues women, she might not even believe that it is possible for her to experience pleasure from sex. But human beings operate on many different levels of awareness, and on another level, the same woman may feel inadequate that she can\u2019t give herself to her partner in the way that she has been told she should. She might pretend to be aroused, and fake orgasm, in order to protect herself from being called frigid.\n\nDoes this sound far-fetched? I believe that the feelings that drive us may go unrecognized for a lifetime because they lie so deeply in our unconscious that they can easily be ignored.\n\n_There is nothing worse than sharing sex with someone because we feel we should, or for someone else\u2019s sake, or because it\u2019s better than not having any at all. I\u2019ve been there in the past and do not want to do so again._\n\n#  **Learning to Come**\n\nAn orgasm does not usually arise abruptly out of nowhere. The process of facilitating the buildup of tension that most of us require before we can  let go into orgasm often has to be learned. It is a matter of focusing the energy. Engaging your brain in a repetitive activity can often help. Some women find \u201ccounting down\u201d is particularly effective, but it doesn\u2019t have to involve numbers.\n\n_I sometimes repeat a mantra over and over in my mind when I\u2019m about to come. It intensifies the feelings. If I say the mantra out loud it helps even more; it might be as simple as \u201coh, yes, yes,\u201d or my lover\u2019s name._\n\n  \n\n\n_I used to know that I was approaching orgasm whenever I found myself counting._\n\nOne thing is definite: although women do masturbate without having orgasms, most women are far more likely to come while masturbating than with a partner. Other women simply cannot achieve orgasm without the special kind of stimulation supplied by a vibrator, and often only a very particular kind will do. Vibrators are not the answer for everyone, however. And using a vibrator may keep a woman from learning to love herself, because with a vibrator she doesn\u2019t have to touch herself; she can distance herself from her body, and thus prevent herself from being fully involved in sexual play. The real problem for many women is not so much that they don\u2019t have orgasms as that they don\u2019t like their bodies, and they are afraid of losing themselves in sexual desire. They want to maintain a distance from the act of being sexual. Vibrators can allow them to do this. So they may learn to have orgasms, but they haven\u2019t addressed the deeper issues.\n\nAnd just because you learn to come on your own does not mean that you will be able to come with a lover. In fact this is fairly common: usually either the lover is not doing what\u2019s needed and the woman is afraid to ask for it, or she is inhibited when she\u2019s not alone.\n\n_I can only come with oral stimulation. My partner is good at it and likes to do it, but I find myself somewhat inhibited when he does it. I am thinking too much and not relaxing and enjoying the stimulation._\n\n_**Letting go of what other people think is the single most important thing you can do to improve the quality of your life in general and your sex life in particular.**_\n\nWe need to define the problem correctly; it is not that she doesn\u2019t come with her lover, that\u2019s just the symptom. The problem is that she is not communicating with her lover or that she is afraid to let go in the presence of another person.\n\nOnce again we arrive at the importance of communication. In this case, showing is often easier than telling. Show your lover what you do when you masturbate. Have him or her copy your movements. Place your lover\u2019s hand over yours as you touch yourself. And then use words to guide his or her movements. Approach this with the attitude that you are sharing your body with your lover, rather than teaching them something specific.\n\n_I try to show my husband without explaining\u2014explaining seems to make him try too hard, which I don\u2019t enjoy._\n\nTaking the step to masturbate in front of your lover probably means that you have already let go of some of your self-consciousness. But the fear of exposing your vulnerability while in the throes of an orgasm is not so easily dismissed. It may take a great deal of practice and positive reinforcement before you feel safe enough to allow your body to express passion in front of another person. It\u2019s worth it; letting go of what other people think is the single most important thing you can do to improve the quality of your life in general and your sex life in particular.\n\nSometimes there is a specific fear of what will happen if you let go. Perhaps the most common is fear of urination.\n\n_As good as it feels, I feel like I\u2019m going to urinate painfully, and I have to push my lover away to stop the stimulation._\n\nThe desire to urinate when you are sexually aroused, particularly when very aroused, or when you are about to ejaculate, is common. If the fear is as clearly delineated as this, why not try working with it? What would happen if you did urinate during sex? Are you afraid of making a mess?\n\nGive yourself permission to experiment: you could try stimulating yourself immediately after you have peed, while you are still sitting on the toilet, stopping to pee whenever you wish. Or you could put a plastic sheet down on the bed, so that you don\u2019t have to make a mess. Are you afraid of what your lover will think? You could be alone. If you are willing to examine your fears so that you can create a setting where you feel safe, and you can let yourself experiment without any expectations of the outcome, you may find that many of your fears are unfounded.\n\nOccasionally, you may find your body behaving in an \u201cinappropriate\u201d way\u2014jerking, shaking, trembling, even yawning. These are all ways that the body releases blocked energy, or prepares itself to let energy flow more freely. Allow your body to behave as it wishes; it knows what it needs. Trying to control it makes letting go into orgasm more difficult. Yawning is a particularly tricky one, since your partner may think you are bored. In fact, yawning is a way of adjusting the throat chakra.\n\nThe Women\u2019s Movement has brought us so many benefits, but above all it has given us the right to self-determination. During the seventies, consciousness-raising and self-help groups for women shot up like mushrooms, and out of these came a number specifically for women who didn\u2019t have orgasms. At first these women were referred to as nonorgasmic, then this was changed to preorgasmic, and nowadays it\u2019s anorgasmic. These support groups were marvelously empowering, but sadly, they have gone out of vogue. I recommend some excellent books in the Resources section. But books are not the answer for everyone. If it is human contact you need, then you might consider starting up your own local support group.\n\n_I feel quite alone in my journey to try and find why I cannot be sexually fulfilled. I would love to have help in the form of counseling, workshops, or chatting\u2014anything. I need guidance!_\n\n#  **Great Expectations**\n\nThe importance placed on orgasm can be very distressing for women who don\u2019t have them. The underlying assumption that a woman is somehow lacking or defective if she doesn\u2019t climax can have a very negative effect. Rita articulates this well: \n\n_I feel shame and guilt about not having orgasms. I\u2019ve never discussed it with any of my friends, other than the women I\u2019ve slept with. My friends inadvertently reinforce my shame and guilt. They make comments like, \u201cI heard so and so doesn\u2019t have orgasms,\u201d \u201cOh, the poor woman!\u201d The whole women\u2019s liberation thing\u2014we own our own bodies, we can have as many orgasms as we want\u2014that\u2019s a slap in the face for me, because it\u2019s an assumption that we all do._\n\nFear of being judged is more problematic for Rita than anything she feels she is missing by not having orgasms.\n\n_I\u2019m very open with my friends about everything else in my life. I talk about all kinds of things. But I never talk about what I\u2019m really thinking or feeling when I\u2019m having sex, and I never talk about orgasms. People don\u2019t realize there is a wall, and it\u2019s really thick._\n\nWhether it is about having an orgasm, having an erection, having intercourse, or anything else, delineating a specific goal often interferes with free sexual play, because it\u2019s all too easy to feel like a failure when the stated goal isn\u2019t reached. Even the goal of having a good time can be problematic. For instance, if one partner gets very emotional, she may feel she\u2019s being a wet blanket and ruining her lover\u2019s fun. In every encounter, we need to experience the sensations for what they are: if they are good, we will hopefully be able to repeat them; if they are bad, we will not repeat them; and if they are somewhere in between, we should be able to improve on them.\n\nThere tends to be an unquestioned assumption that erections, intercourse, and orgasms are all necessary in order to have sex, yet it is perfectly possible to have glorious sex without them:\n\n _I\u2019ve found sexual play without orgasm satisfying in other ways. Orgasms are not the end-all and be-all of making love._\n\nOne woman told me that she used to place a great deal of importance on having an orgasm during each and every sexual encounter, until she  fell in love with someone whom she could only meet in public situations where it was impossible for him to go down on her. Since she doesn\u2019t have orgasms except through oral stimulation, she didn\u2019t come with him. And yet, she said it was deeply satisfying just to be sexual with him.\n\nWomen who come easily can sometimes will an orgasm to occur, but the key is knowing that they can do so. If you are afraid of not coming, it is very unlikely you\u2019ll be able to will it to happen. As Dr. Joan Spiegel told me:\n\n _An orgasm is like a sneeze\u2014it either happens or it doesn\u2019t._\n\nSo you can choose to tie yourself in knots trying to come, or let it be until such time as it happens of its own accord. And if your lover is the one getting stressed out, then address that as an issue of its own: why does your lover feel like she or he has to \u201cgive\u201d you an orgasm?\n\n_**Believe me, deep breathing and relaxation can do wonders for your sex life.**_\n\nI know how it feels getting tied in knots: you tense everything up and hold your breath\u2014and then there is no release. There you are, as tight as a bow, and nowhere to go. If you find this happening in your lovemaking, I would recommend stopping everything for a few moments and taking a few deep breaths. Relax all those tensed-up muscles, breathe into your abdomen, and then let all your breath out. Give yourself permission to stop and _breathe_ whenever you find yourself getting overly tense. Believe me, deep breathing and relaxation can do wonders for your sex life.\n\nDespite her need to keep it from her friends, Rita says her lack of orgasm is no longer an issue with her lovers:\n\n _In my sexual relationships, recently I\u2019ve been fine with it, because it\u2019s something that I\u2019ve negotiated._\n\nIt\u2019s a good idea for any couple entering into a relationship to do some negotiation first, and it is especially appropriate for women who have difficulty coming. Make a deal with your partner: you don\u2019t try to make me come, and I won\u2019t feel bad because I haven\u2019t come. In other words, you  agree for your mutual benefit (to prevent either of you feeling like you\u2019ve failed) that you will focus on other aspects of sexual play that give you enjoyment. Taking the focus off orgasm will considerably increase your chances of having a good time. And after all, isn\u2019t having a good time what a relationship is about, rather than having an orgasm? If you are not enjoying yourselves, then something needs to change. The simple fact of not having orgasms doesn\u2019t necessarily mean anything\u2014unless you feel you are inadequate because you aren\u2019t having them. Where does this inadequacy come from? Is it there because your partner feels inadequate? Or because society says you ought to have orgasms? Does it really come from you? Or, like Rita, would you feel fine about not having orgasms if it weren\u2019t for everyone else\u2019s expectations?\n\n#  **The Need to Please**\n\nWanting to please our partner is certainly one of the main reasons that we feel bad about not coming. Unfortunately, this is fairly realistic; an awful lot of us have our egos tied up in being good lovers, and we foolishly equate being a good lover with giving our partner an orgasm. This can be so damaging. Rita spoke about the negative effect it had in her first relationship, and other women recounted similar experiences:\n\n _Various lovers decided that they would be the one who would finally \u201cgive\u201d me an orgasm. When they failed, the blow to their ego ended the relationship._\n\nBoth women and men suffer from this no-win syndrome. The effect of having a lover who really wants a woman to come shouldn\u2019t be underestimated. It may be that if her lover weren\u2019t so attached to the idea of her coming, the fear of not having an orgasm would lose its charge, and lo and behold, the orgasm would happen. It may also be that on a subconscious level, a woman may not want to feel vulnerable to someone who experiences her vulnerability as a boost to their ego, as an enhancement of their sense of power in the world.\n\nIt isn\u2019t always easy to persuade your lovers that you don\u2019t want them to try to give you an orgasm. I have had to be very firm about this, and even several weeks into a relationship, I have often had to reassure my lover that  not having a massive orgasm has nothing to do with whether I\u2019m physically satisfied.\n\nThere is still a fairly prevalent myth that women \u201cshould\u201d come during vaginal penetration, and many heterosexual women still believe there is something wrong with them if they don\u2019t come during intercourse. Yet most women need direct clitoral stimulation to bring them to orgasm, and only a small percentage of women are built so that the clitoris will be stimulated during intercourse. Either God made a mistake or it was intended to be this way. Dr. Joan Spiegel says:\n\n _The way to deal with this is education. I tell them that 75 percent of women don\u2019t come during intercourse. I show them where the clitoris is, and they quickly realize that it\u2019s not going to be stimulated during intercourse._\n\nSome of the women I spoke with said they had had difficult sexual encounters with women who didn\u2019t orgasm. Jana complained that all the attention of the lovemaking focused on the other woman, so that she ended up getting left out. Of course, she may not have asked for what she wanted. However, some partners are hard to negotiate with and may simply not value another person\u2019s needs.\n\n_Women who are uptight sexually shut me down. I can\u2019t deal with another woman\u2019s resistance. It destroys my confidence, and I can\u2019t overcome my fear of failure._\n\nIt is very unfortunate that we tend to label someone who doesn\u2019t have an easily identifiable orgasmic response as sexually uptight. The two are certainly not synonymous.\n\n#  **Faking Orgasm**\n\nIn view of this pressure on women to have orgasms, it should not be surprising that so many women fake it.\n\n_Many men are threatened, in their own sense of self, if they feel they cannot make you come._\n\n  \n\n\n_I do it because I don\u2019t want to continue lovemaking, but I don\u2019t want to hurt my spouse._\n\n  \n\n\n_I did it when I was young, self-conscious, knew I wouldn\u2019t come, and wished they\u2019d stop trying so hard._\n\n  \n\n\n_Sometimes I fake it to see if I can fool the other person, or to give my lover confidence._\n\n  \n\n\n_Many, many years ago when I was very young, I thought it was important not to hurt a man\u2019s feelings or be open about my desires._\n\n  \n\n\n_Fake it till you make it: \u201cI can\u2019t think my way into right action but I can act my way into right thinking.\u201d_\n\n  \n\n\n_I used to fake it under most circumstances with unskilled but very sweet lovers, but under no circumstances any more in this lifetime!_\n\n  \n\n\n_I faked orgasm when I was tired of trying._\n\n  \n\n\n_I faked orgasm once to end a miserable one-night stand. If we\u2019d been having an ongoing relationship obviously it wouldn\u2019t have been okay._\n\n  \n\n\n_I felt ashamed because I couldn\u2019t climax._\n\nThe last reason is perhaps the most common, though it is a little harder to admit to. Unlike her male counterpart, a woman can hide her lack of arousal (at least, from an insensitive or inattentive partner). Although this may mean she\u2019s less likely to be labeled inadequate, many women do feel deeply inadequate if they are not actually aroused when they think they ought to be. \u201cFrigid\u201d is a word that has frequently been used to denigrate women, when in fact the problem is that they are not getting the kind of stimulation they need. Fear of being called frigid is enough to make many women put on a show.\n\nWomen may also \u201cfake it\u201d as an effective ruse to end a bad situation and possibly even for their own self-preservation. People can become quite belligerent when their egos are tied up in making a woman come. Men and women need to stop seeing their partner\u2019s orgasms as proof positive of their own sexual prowess.\n\nYears ago, I would have faked orgasms with men, if I had known what an orgasm was. Because I didn\u2019t, I couldn\u2019t. However, I did find that if I acted as though I was more into it than I actually felt, they would stop sooner, which was often a relief.\n\nI never actively faked an orgasm with a woman; however, I admit there were times when I knew my lover assumed I had an orgasm. If she didn\u2019t mention it, neither did I. It was rarely a problem for me if I didn\u2019t come, and I didn\u2019t want it to be a problem for my lover. I think many women may simply fail to discuss sex with their partners, rather than consciously faking orgasm.\n\n_A lot of the men I slept with may have thought I had come. I never faked it, or \u201clied,\u201d but I was probably economical with the truth._\n\nNowadays, I don\u2019t go to bed with people I can\u2019t talk with. I try to make it clear from the start that I am not someone who comes easily, and I don\u2019t want my partner to get trapped in trying. In the long run, when we pretend to be sexually aroused, we perpetuate dishonesty, which prevents true intimacy.\n\nThe real issue is not that women fake orgasm. Why do we ever feel the need to fake anything? We cover up all kinds of feelings, needs, and desires because we are afraid of other people\u2019s reactions. The bedroom might be a good place to begin the process of changing this pattern; we are unlikely to be freely ourselves out in the world until we have learned to be honest in our most intimate relationships, with the people we _say_ we trust.\n\n#  **Do Men Know When We\u2019re Faking It?**\n\nAccording to the NHSLS survey3 of sexual practices, only 29 percent of women come regularly with a partner, but men think that 44 percent of  their female partners come regularly. Does this mean that 15 percent of the time women are convincingly faking it? I admit I felt a bit doubtful about a couple of the questionnaires. A few men claimed that they had been with more than thirty women (in one case, fifty), all of whom had had orgasms, every time! Some men claimed that all their lovers came just from intercourse! In my opinion, either some of those women were faking it, or else their men assumed the women were having orgasms because they appeared to be enjoying themselves.\n\nIn spite of the delightful scene in _When Harry Met Sally,_ when Meg Ryan\u2019s character convincingly fakes an orgasm in a restaurant, most men are sure they would know when a woman is faking it. Let me debunk this myth once and for all: it is easy for a woman to consciously contract her vaginal muscles. If she has any acting skills at all, and any real desire to con her partner, that person, male or female, would very likely walk away from the encounter thinking she had an orgasm. If her partner does get suspicious, it may be because she wants him or her to notice that something is not right.\n\nIt is hardly surprising that most men really didn\u2019t like knowing or suspecting that a woman was faking it:\n\n _One woman I was with claimed to have these astronomical orgasms, but I was pretty inexperienced at the time, and when I think back to some of the things I did, I just shake my head. I doubt they really happened._\n\n  \n\n\n_One of my exes told me she had faked orgasm with me. I felt like it was too bad we couldn\u2019t have really tried together to bring her to that experience._\n\n  \n\n\n_I have suspected a woman of faking orgasm because of obvious theatrics or because her physical state suggested that she was not actually in an advanced state of passion. I cannot bear the thought of a woman giving herself to me without finding pleasure in the intimacy of lovemaking. I would much rather that she found pleasure than I. After loving a woman who I felt was faking it, I tend to feel inadequate I suppose. It leaves me empty inside._\n\n  \n\n\n_Once I suspected one of my lovers of faking orgasm, so I simply asked her and after trying to lie she finally admitted it was unusual for her to achieve orgasm, but she still enjoyed the intimacy._\n\n  \n\n\n_I felt as if I had been lied to. Loving is not a game, it is of the heart, of the soul, of the tenderness that wells up inside just from the nearness of your lover. To have her fake an orgasm is hurtful._\n\n  \n\n\n_After a long period of lovemaking, one girlfriend seemed to come really fast and then seemed to want it to be over, as if she thought I was still doing it waiting for her to come. I felt bad only because I wanted her to know I was being sexual with her because I enjoyed it._\n\nI remember lying there (years ago) with a man heaving to and fro on top me, thinking, how can I gracefully end this? The fact that he was enjoying it when I wasn\u2019t made me feel more alienated, as though he was using my body only for his pleasure. And it never entered my head that he might not be enjoying himself. Like many women, I thought I was the only person in the world who didn\u2019t enjoy sex. And I thought all men enjoyed it _all_ the time.\n\nBut we also fake it because we are ashamed of not being able to come, or of being thought frigid, because we are afraid of talking about what we need, and ashamed of having to ask. If they choose to do so, men can help women to feel easier about acknowledging what is really going on.\n\nNot all men seem to mind a woman faking orgasm:\n\n _My wife has faked it more than once. I found out by asking her. Frankly, it\u2019s flattering to me\u2014it tells me that she wants me to feel as if I had done a good job._\n\nI think he could have been flattered if she had talked to him about it, instead of faking it. He could have appreciated that she respected him enough to believe that he would be more concerned about their relationship than about his ego. And I would think that he would have respected her for being truthful with him. But then, my idea of intimacy does not  include being intimate with someone who thinks it\u2019s okay to lie to me, or for me to lie to them.\n\nThe bottom line is that faking anything is an attempt to live up to a model that isn\u2019t working for you, and if you acknowledge that it isn\u2019t working, you might be able to do something that does. As Eric says:\n\n _I hate it that she wasn\u2019t honest with me. If we could have talked about it maybe she would have had those orgasms for real._\n\n#  _**Notes**_\n\n1 The HysterSisters website (www.hystersisters.com) provides support and information for women about sexual intimacy after a hysterectomy.\n\n2 Alice Khan Ladas, Beverly Whipple, and John D. Perry, _The G Spot: And Other Discoveries about Human Sexuality_ (Holt, 2004). Originally published in 1982.\n\n3 The 1992 National Health and Social Life Survey was published in book form as _The Social Organization of Sexuality in the United States_ (Authors: Edward O. Laumann, John H. Gagnon, Robert T. Michael, and Stuart Michaels; University of Chicago Press, 1994).\n\n4 Janet Lever, PhD, \u201cLesbian Sex Survey,\u201d _The Advocate_ , August 22, 1995.\n"}
-{"input": "Could not generate response.", "response": "\n\n**CHAPTER** **7**\n\n**EARLY SEXUAL EXPERIENCES**\n\n_I had my first orgasm when I was five years old in a strawberry patch, lying on my belly and only barely moving. I felt guilty._\n\n  \n\n\n_The first time I came it was like a flower opening up, with all these intense, brilliant colors._\n\n  \n\n\n_When I was twenty-two or twenty-three, I\u2019d read about orgasms but not had them. I figured I\u2019d try masturbation, which I hadn\u2019t done previously. The second or third try I suddenly was rather taken over with a \u201cWow, I\u2019m not stopping\u2014this feels wonderful,\u201d and, continuing clitoral stimulation, reached a gasping shuddering orgasm. \u201cSo that\u2019s it!\u201d I thought._\n\n  \n\n\n_I had my first orgasm when I was about twelve, watching a horror movie!_\n\n  \n\n\n_My first ever orgasm with another person was from kissing only._\n\n  \n\n\n_When I was thirteen I thought about how I could imitate the sensations of sex, and I came up with water pressure. I spent a lot of time having orgasms under the bath faucet as a teen._\n\n  \n\n\n_I had my first orgasm masturbating, when I was twenty-five. I\u2019d only just discovered that women masturbate._\n\nThe question I most enjoyed asking women was about their first orgasm. The answers nearly always brought smiles, fond memories of such an amazing discovery.\n\nA few women I heard from couldn\u2019t remember their very first orgasm, possibly because they had been having them from such a very young age. Or they may have been sexually active for some time and experiencing very mild orgasms. For these women, it was a gradual process of letting the sensation flow. This was the case of a thirty-three-year-old who wrote that she experimented with a vibrator and, after several weeks, \u201crealized she was having them.\u201d Some orgasms are not powerful enough to be clearly distinguishable from other peaks of sexual pleasure.\n\nOn the other hand, many women are amazed by their first experience of orgasm. It can be frightening the first time, especially if you\u2019re not expecting it.\n\n_My first orgasm happened when I was thirteen or fourteen, using the showerhead. I didn\u2019t know what had happened. I didn\u2019t know about orgasms, and I thought something was wrong._\n\n  \n\n\n_I wish my mother had told me about orgasms, because the first time I came I was quite alarmed; I didn\u2019t know what was happening to my body._\n\nTerry told me that at the age of four she was in the tub making bubbles by churning the water between her legs with her hands, when suddenly she had a wonderful sensation. Many of the questionnaire respondents wrote that their first experience of orgasm was either in the tub or using a flexible showerhead. Linda described sitting in the bathtub at the age of seven: \n\n_I used to love to take long hot baths, and one day it occurred to me to scoot down, spread my legs, and put myself under the falling water. I had the most fabulous orgasm, and from then on that\u2019s what I did every day! It was great, really great._\n\nLisa was already an adult before she tried it in the tub:\n\n _My first orgasm happened when I was twenty-one, in the bathtub with my legs up the wall, letting the water pour onto me. I\u2019d had trouble having orgasms before that, and I was advised to use the bathtub trick by a friend. I feel very grateful to her. It was like finally getting what I was after. I loved it._\n\nPlenty of children grew up without convenient sources of running water beneath which they could position themselves, or else they didn\u2019t think about that potential, but there are many other ways of stimulating the right spot.\n\n_I was eight the first time I had an orgasm, watching a cowboy show on TV and using my pillow for a horse!_\n\nNow we know why so many kids squirm around so much and why grownups are always trying to make them sit still! Victoria and Marya were both seven years old and both climbing poles.\n\n_I was climbing a pole on a swing set, and suddenly I got this pleasurable and powerful sensation. It was a complete, very strong body orgasm. I wanted that feeling again, and I squirmed about on the pole, then felt very self-conscious. I told someone I liked climbing the pole, and they said, \u201cYeah, we could tell.\u201d After that I investigated the place between my legs where I figured the sensation had come from, and found my feel-good spot, as I called it. I played with it regularly._\n\n  \n\n\n_It was very different from any other time I climbed a pole! It felt great. From then on I regularly climbed poles and ropes and doors to masturbate. Then when I was twelve, I saw some boys feeling up another girl in class, so I started touching myself and fantasizing about the boys touching me, and I discovered that was an easier way of coming._\n\nCome to think of it, I remember now what fun it was sliding down those thick wooden banisters in big old houses.\n\n  \n\n\nJana was nine years old, thinking about her favorite teacher at school:\n\n _I was just lying there in bed thinking about Miss Paterson, and all of a sudden I had this wonderful feeling. After that I had an occasional orgasm from touching myself._\n\nLinci was eleven when she discovered a new sensation:\n\n _I was always rubbing on things, and one day something happened! I masturbated regularly. I shared a bed with my two sisters, and it was a great thrill to be in bed with them and not wake them up while I masturbated._\n\nAt six years old, Judy was touching herself in bed when she experienced an intensely pleasurable sensation. She tried it again the next night and the same thing happened, so from then on she masturbated every night.\n\nElizabeth learned to masturbate when she was six while waiting for a teacher to take her to the toilet. Because she was desperate to have a pee, she was crossing her legs tightly and found that it felt really good. From then on she touched herself regularly, and two years later she had her first orgasm from stroking her clitoris.\n\nDonna was reading in bed at the age of eight or nine, with the sheets bunched up between her legs, rubbing on them without even realizing it, when she had what she called \u201ca nice, fun experience.\u201d For a while she was fascinated and played around with it a lot, though she says she never masturbated regularly. Another woman wrote that she had an affair with her pillow; she used to stuff it down the bed between her legs, lie on her side, and wiggle it. She was often worried that her parents would find it and want to know why it was there.\n\nTwo women said their first orgasms came through being licked by the  family dog. Another told me she was around nine when she first came by rubbing herself through satiny undies. And another wrote of coming while being touched by a boy she was playing with, when they were both six years old.\n\n#  **A Child\u2019s View of Sex**\n\nMany children don\u2019t know what sex is, or they have been told that sex involves two people, so it is quite possible for a child to touch herself without having any idea that she\u2019s being sexual.\n\n_From early childhood I masturbated regularly, though I had no idea what I was doing, no idea it had anything to do with \u201csex.\u201d I would rub around and around on my clitoral shaft, just above my clitoris (not that I knew what that was either), and it didn\u2019t even feel very pleasurable until all of a sudden the feeling \u201ccaught\u201d\u2014those were the words I thought of at the time. Those seconds of pleasure were, I realized as an adult, baby orgasms._\n\nThey\u2019re just experimenting with their bodies, finding out what it\u2019s like being alive. If they\u2019re not specifically warned not to touch themselves \u201cdown there,\u201d they\u2019re unlikely to have any moral judgments attached to it; even if they are told that it\u2019s taboo, they may think of it in the same way as they think of defecating, or walking around naked: everybody does it, you just mustn\u2019t do it in public.\n\nMany girls don\u2019t realize that masturbation is about sex until they are a lot older, because the fumbling attempts of teenage boys to \u201cget in their pants\u201d feel very different from the nice feelings they have been giving themselves. Victoria, who later came to enjoy sex with men, says that in her early teens:\n\n _I never associated what the boys wanted from me with what I did to myself. I didn\u2019t like the feel of their hands on my body, and I hated the way they kissed me._\n\nAlthough many women had their first orgasms by fortunate accident, Jean\u2019s first orgasm, at the age of thirteen, was intentional. She had heard about  them, and she wanted one. She read about vibrators and tried the handle of an electric toothbrush on her clitoris, with delightful results. It is very refreshing to hear about women who were consciously sexual as children and felt good about it, like Joy, who grew up in a family where sex was perceived in a positive light. By the time she was eleven or twelve she was very interested in sex:\n\n _I assembled all the information that I could about it: a scientific manual on human sexuality that gave mechanics and various actions in a dry, clinical tone that I\u2019d found in a box of books in my grandmother\u2019s attic; a handwritten piece of porn that one of my young friends had found in her uncle\u2019s military trunk and brought to school to giggle over (very male, heterosexual slant with unrealistic acts and strange terms); a \u201csoft porn\u201d book about \u201cnymphomaniacs\u201d that I\u2019d managed to buy at a local convenience store; and a couple of True Confession-type magazines. But none of this really seemed to apply to me or my budding erotic fantasies, although it gave me an idea what kinds of things people did together, as well as what some people (mostly heterosexual guys) thought was exciting. Anyway, I\u2019ve identified myself as a writer since the age of seven, so I did what came naturally and wrote my own \u201csmut\u201d to satisfy my specific adolescent needs. As I recall, it was a shoot-\u2019em-up space opera and spy thriller in which an adventurous heroine is captured by space pirates, tied up, tortured by a whip-wielding, evil, and beautiful alien woman, and eventually rescued by the sexy young hero with whom she falls in love and, of course, into bed. So it was this very personal piece I was rereading and fantasizing over, when suddenly my whole body spasmed very pleasurably, a sensation that I only later realized was an orgasm. And I wasn\u2019t even touching myself! Pure mental stimulation. The brain really is the main sex organ!_\n\n#  **Growing Up Without Information**\n\nMost women who are now over forty had no access to factual information on sex when they were young, and many responded to the dictates of society by \u201cappropriately\u201d burying, or at least controlling, their sexual desire. Jana recounts this conversation with her mother:\n\n _She asked me about being a lesbian, so I was trying to explain my attraction to women. I said, \u201cYou know when you feel turned on?\u201d She said, \u201cNo.\u201d I said, \u201cYou know when you feel like you want sex?\u201d She said, \u201cDon\u2019t be silly; women don\u2019t have sex drives, only men have sex drives!\u201d I said, \u201cBut I have a sex drive.\u201d She said, \u201cWell, that\u2019s because you\u2019re queer.\u201d_\n\nHistorically, women were not expected to enjoy sex, and it was incidental if they did. Ignorance of sexual matters was normal; too bad that it caused (and still causes) a great deal of unhappiness.\n\nSari, who grew up in the 1940s and \u201950s, never questioned that she would remain a virgin until she got married, although she was very interested in sex.\n\n_When I grew up, the rules were there; you didn\u2019t have to make the decision not to have sex until you were married, because it had been made for you by society. I didn\u2019t know I had a clitoris until I was in college! Of course, there were girls who were sexually active, and my parents made sure that I didn\u2019t associate with girls like that. They wouldn\u2019t have talked about sex, but they talked about them being from the wrong side of the tracks._\n\nIt is important to remember that contraception was not readily available to single women until the 1970s. Most women were understandably reluctant to have a lot of sex, because lots of sex meant lots of babies, as well as social disapproval. Sari had a hysterectomy in her thirties. Whether because the fear of pregnancy was removed or as a result of the natural process of getting older, Sari became sexually adventurous:\n\n _My assertiveness and my desire, within a marriage mind you, were an absolute turn-off for my husband. I finally had grabbed hold of my sexuality, and he didn\u2019t want it. In those days there were such strong stereotypes about who was to be the aggressor, the assertive one. I was really changing, and what I was becoming was not who he had married._\n\n#  **Embracing Our Passion**\n\nPassionate, powerful women still aren\u2019t popular. Donna and Victoria both said that they find people are wary of them because of their ease with their sexuality and the intensity of their sexual desire. The label \u201cnymphomaniac\u201d is generally used to describe a woman who scares men so much that they can\u2019t maintain an erection in her presence. Dr. Joan Spiegel has this definition:\n\n _A nymphomaniac is a woman who wants one more orgasm or a little more stimulation than her partner wants to give her._\n\nIt is far more acceptable these days for a woman to be freely passionate and to have many partners. The sexual revolution of the 1970s was not the glorious opening up to sexual desire that it was purported to be for all women, but it was a beginning\u2014at least people started talking about sex. Masters and Johnson published their research1 and then there was The Hite Report2\u2014the first real statement from women about women\u2019s sexuality.\n\nUnfortunately we are now dealing with backlash from the political and religious right. The importance of \u201cfamily values,\u201d meaning that women must get married, stay home, and have kids, saturates the media. As Deborah Sundahl says:\n\n _Any time women get close to claiming the force of nature within them, society and the church come down on them._\n\n#  **Negative Messages**\n\nWithout repressive influences, I believe most of us would naturally be aware of and proud of our sexual desires from a very young age. Sexual excitation during birth, both for the mother and the baby, is not at all unusual. When  we are born we are full of our mother\u2019s hormones. Baby boys are born with erections, and very young baby girls can have orgasms.\n\n_I remember masturbating and having orgasms when I was still in the crib._\n\nChildren exhibit very different rates of sexual awareness. In some instances (unfortunately rare) they are encouraged to investigate their own sexuality at their own rate without being influenced one way or another. The majority of girls are still discouraged from actively exploring their own sexuality, and they may find it impossible to locate well-intentioned sources of information.\n\n_I looked and looked for pornography when I was in my early teens because I was already sexually active, and I knew there must be more to sex than what was happening to me. When I was fifteen a girl came to stay the night, and asked me as we whispered in bed, \u201cHave you ever masturbated?\u201d I didn\u2019t know what she meant, said \u201cNo,\u201d and she placed her fingers on my clitoris and showed me how to move my fingers. But then she told everyone at school that I had \u201cinitiated\u201d sex with her, and she wouldn\u2019t talk to me. I was so confused._\n\nWomen who feel comfortable touching their own genitals are a lot more likely to have orgasms early in life than women who aren\u2019t comfortable touching themselves. Many women have their first orgasm through stimulation of the clitoris with their own fingers. I know that if I had had years to practice the gradual buildup of sensation that resulted from touching myself, my first orgasm would have been a much smoother and easier experience\u2014and it would have happened much earlier. At a young age, I was smacked for touching myself between my legs, teaching me that no matter who else might touch me there, I was not to touch myself.\n\nNegative associations around masturbation are even easier to pick up than negative associations around sex in general. After all, sex is necessary in order to have children, but masturbation is never necessary. A number of the questionnaire respondents reported that they were very concerned about being caught touching themselves, and absolutely no one said that they ever thought it was anything but taboo.\n\nBeing caught masturbating was the lead-in Laura\u2019s father used when he molested her. As a result Laura has a strong emotional reaction against masturbation, and she did not do it for many years:\n\n _It used to be that I couldn\u2019t even stand the word_ masturbation. _I\u2019ve just recently got to where I can say the word and hear others talk about it and not get totally bummed._\n\nPeople from strict religious backgrounds often suffer the most:\n\n _When I was eleven or twelve I was at a Catholic school, and one of the nuns caught me masturbating. She took me to the Mother Superior who told me I would be reported to the authorities if I did it again. I assumed she meant the police. I carried on masturbating, but I was really careful not to get caught._\n\nEven if the disapproval is not overt, we cannot fail to pick up the strong social taboos against masturbation. For some women, this may be enough to prevent them from touching themselves\u2014ever. Other women continue to touch themselves but feel very bad about it.\n\n_I believed it was sinful to touch my genitals, but I did it anyway and then prayed to God to forgive me\u2014again and again._\n\nI would love to see our communities provide children with somewhere to go with questions and concerns, because even if they are not being molested, they are bombarded with strange, inexplicable, and often conflicting messages.\n\n_When I was growing up, I couldn\u2019t relate to being a woman at all, because the images of women I saw on TV didn\u2019t seem to have anything to do with me._\n\n  \n\n\n_I got_ The Story of O _from my dad\u2019s bookshelf when I was eleven and read it from cover to cover. It set the standard for the fantasy life of my teenage years. I got fixated on it. I wish I\u2019d had someone to talk to about it._\n\nIt is not only girls who suffer as a result of the misinformation and lack of information with regard to sex and gender. One man wrote that he had been molested by an older woman before he reached school age. Once he started school:\n\n _I learned that this type of activity could cause pregnancy, and I was dead scared that I was going to be the one who would get pregnant. That fear lived with me for many years, because I didn\u2019t understand the full thing._\n\nIn an ideal world, all children would have easy access to people of integrity who are willing to talk absolutely openly and without bias about sexuality. Such mentors would be people with a nonjudgmental understanding of human nature. They would be people with innate wisdom and compassion, secure in their own sexuality. Above all, they would be people who could be trusted not to act inappropriately.\n\nIn a healthy society no one would ever have to deny their sexual feelings, and guidance would be readily available for people of any age.3\n\n#  **Why Some of Us Love Our Sexual Selves and Some of Us Don\u2019t**\n\nUnlike a boy, a girl has no unavoidable visuals to grab her attention, and there is no necessity for her to touch her sex organs at all. She may easily choose to ignore what\u2019s going on between her legs. So if she gets a thorough training in ignoring her feelings, she can apply that training to any feelings that originate there. Yet some of us are able to ignore negative messages about sexuality. This may be sometimes due to a stronger hormonal influence, since hormones obviously vary enormously from one person to another. However, I don\u2019t believe there is such a thing as absolute biological destiny. Biology is affected by experience. It\u2019s possible (though not necessarily easy) to learn to control the chemicals (hormones and others) that affect our bodies and our emotions, through meditation, breathing exercises, and relaxation, for instance. At the very least, it is a two-way process: psychological and emotional states affect our physiological chemistry, and the chemicals our bodies produce affect us psychologically and emotionally. The process of being human  is exactly that\u2014a process, not something static that can be delineated by science.\n\nTiming could be another factor. A girl who has the kind of body that reaches orgasm easily\u2014perhaps as a result of having a sensitive clitoris\u2014may be more likely to experience sexual pleasure early on in life, before she has felt the full brunt of social disapproval. If she has already associated sex with feeling good, she may be able to ignore any external negative messages, and carry on being sexual throughout her life.\n\nAnd some children just feel good about themselves, or at least their sexuality, in spite of the negative messages, and are willing to keep experimenting with their bodies until the point of orgasm. A vivid imagination is certainly a bonus.\n\nNot having orgasms often stems from the need to exert emotional or mental control over the physical body, and that need can be learned at a very young age, depending on a child\u2019s upbringing and social environment. A combination of repressive religious and cultural attitudes with negative personal experiences of abuse may be enough to give any child a strong bias against letting herself go into orgasm. Clara asks:\n\n _Did someone walk in on me masturbating as a child, and punish me? Was it enough that all the images I was ever fed of \u201csexy\u201d women were nymphomaniacs and whores? Even now that I do have orgasms, I still struggle with the fact that I could have more fun if I could let go more. Whatever holds me back is not conscious._\n\nLet\u2019s be thankful for the natural human drive to experience passion, which enables some women, in spite of everything, to overcome such negative conditioning.\n\n#  **When Sex Is Sex and When It\u2019s Not**\n\nPart of our healing around sex must include redefining what we mean by it. In Western society, sex generally denotes a very specific and limited act that involves a man and a woman having penile-vaginal intercourse. Obviously, I believe sex is much more than that. For me, the word sex itself describes a vast array of sensations and feelings, and may not involve  touching someone at all. People have sex over the phone and on the Internet, and for some, this can be perfectly satisfying.\n\n_I\u2019ve often had orgasms without anyone touching me\u2014online, on the phone._\n\nBut just as it is possible to have great sex without actual physical contact, it is also possible to experience genital stimulation without feeling sexual. The experience of being aroused occurs on many different levels. A total turn-on involves the physical, the mental, the emotional, and the spiritual. Plenty of women go through the act of sex without even a physical turn-on. Or they might be aroused but not show the \u201cnormal\u201d signs of being physically turned on. Women who suffer from vaginismus, for instance, can get sexually excited and even have full-blown orgasms, but their vaginas never relax and open up. They remain tightly spasmed. Conversely, a woman might show physiological signs of a sexual response and still not be turned on because she is not truly present in her body. She has learned to absent herself from the physical experience, and she is not being touched on an emotional, mental, or spiritual level either. Many women have learned to divorce themselves from physical arousal in this way, even when their genitals are responsive to touch. Their bodies may or may not be responding, but their inner core is experiencing nothing that can be called sexual.\n\nWhy would a person go through the motions of having sex when she is not experiencing sexual pleasure? There are many different reasons. Perhaps she has been told it is her wifely duty. Maybe she is a child and believes she doesn\u2019t have the right to refuse an adult. Maybe she is being raped, and she physically cannot resist or is afraid of what will happen if she tries. Maybe she wants or expects something in return from the person she is doing it with. Maybe she wants physical affection and feels she cannot get it any other way. Maybe she is looking for love and thinks this might be a way of finding it. She could be drunk or drugged. Maybe she finds the _idea_ of having sex exciting even though she doesn\u2019t enjoy the physical act; it could be a game to seduce people, one that gives her a sense of personal power. Maybe she wants to get pregnant. Maybe she has no idea what sex actually is and doesn\u2019t realize there is something missing, but she wants the kudos of having a partner, or partners, and she  knows that offering her body is one way to hook them in. She wants to be wanted. Being good at playing the game of sex is one way to be wanted.\n\n_When I was younger, I was gathering a list of how many boys I could screw. It wasn\u2019t anything to do with sex\u2014it was a kind of ownership thing._\n\n  \n\n\n_In my first year at college I went round seducing every man I could. I didn\u2019t get turned-on at all with them. That wasn\u2019t the point._\n\n#  **Sexual Abuse of Children**\n\nWe have a great deal of work to do to heal ourselves and our society from the results of our negative attitudes, not just about sex but about life in general. We must examine the ways we bring up our children. Many people don\u2019t understand how childhood sexual abuse is perpetuated. I want to give some examples from my own childhood to illustrate how girls are trained not to say no.\n\nIn spite of the fact that there were few overt sexual references made in the house where I was brought up, there were plenty of covert sexual innuendoes going on. Although a number of men related to me sexually in subtle or less subtle ways, people were very invested in pretending that nothing serious was going on. I participated in the denial because I knew I would be punished if I didn\u2019t, and anyway I had absolutely no words for it, so I could not talk about it. Yet I knew very well what sexual energy was, and I felt it from several men, both visitors and family members. My parents could have intervened and said, _\u201cNo, she can\u2019t sit on your lap right now. No, you may not pull her toward you like that. No, she doesn\u2019t have to kiss you good night. No, you can\u2019t read her a bedtime story. No, it\u2019s not appropriate for you to take her up and tuck her into bed.\u201d_\n\nArguing would have been a constant struggle, and a number of people would have been offended.\n\nMy grandfather, who lived with us, always wanted me and my sister to sit on his knee and give him kisses (needless to say, this was never required of my brother). When I reached puberty, my father told him we were too old to be treated that way, so he stopped it. I was relieved, since I hated my  grandfather\u2019s prickly mustache, but at the same time, I couldn\u2019t work out what was supposed to have changed. Why was it okay for my grandfather to have access to our bodies before we reached puberty and not afterward?\n\nYou could say, as everyone else at the time would have if they had thought about it (which they carefully didn\u2019t), that since these men \u201cdidn\u2019t go very far,\u201d meaning it wasn\u2019t physically invasive, it wasn\u2019t \u201csexual.\u201d Whether they were being sexual or not really misses the point. It wasn\u2019t okay that they were allowed to make demands on my body at all. And the fact that I experienced them as demands that I couldn\u2019t refuse is what matters, not that, in someone else\u2019s opinion, they didn\u2019t go very far. Along with my other childhood experiences, they went quite far enough for me to learn that when a man wanted access to my body, I had no choice but to give in to him, on a daily basis.\n\nThe fact that for years I experienced my grandfather\u2019s way of relating to me as invasive was completely overlooked\u2014it was of no consequence at all. It is still very much a normal facet of childrearing in our society that children are not offered choices in what happens to them. They are told what to wear, when and what to eat, and when to go to bed. Children beneath a certain age need this kind of direction; up to a point it is entirely appropriate and necessary. However, they are also frequently told when to speak and when to be silent, what to read and what not to read, what opinions to express and which ones to keep quiet about. These kinds of limits can be dangerous when they impinge on a child\u2019s right to say no. My grandfather\u2019s constant demands for kisses were a daily reminder that he had the right of access to my body. When I complained to my parents, they told me I was a bad girl. So I learned that I didn\u2019t have the right to control what happened to my own body. This legacy manifested in my teenage years when I didn\u2019t have the conviction to fend off the teenage boys who marauded my body. We cannot expect children brought up without the right to limit what is done to their bodies to suddenly develop a sense of that right when they reach puberty.\n\n#  **Recovery**\n\nStatistics indicate that at least one out of every three girls will be molested by the time they are eighteen4. Not all of them are affected negatively by the experience. Those who are traumatized vary enormously in how  easily they are able to recover. Some girls remain sexually active, some in unhealthy and compulsive ways, and others in quite healthy and choiceful ways. Some shy away from sex altogether. Molestation often goes hand in hand with other forms of abuse, and these may affect us on many levels, so although we might be able to reclaim our sexuality, we may not be able to keep it together in other areas of our lives. The good news is that the process of healing brings with it a renewed level of awareness, a sense of personal power, and the ability to be fully present.\n\n_I was molested consistently between the ages of five and seven, and there were many other incidents of sexual abuse from different sources as I was growing up. I began to experience depression in my early teens soon after becoming sexually active by choice. The act of intercourse was painful, but my perspective of the sexual activity was that it was a weapon: I was a conqueror. My self-esteem quickly began to plummet from the internal conflict of that perspective, and by my early twenties I was severely depressed and suicidal. After a particularly violent episode, and with the encouragement of several people around me, I sought psychiatric treatment. I underwent classic Freudian psychotherapy three times weekly for three years. Though I have always been aware of my abuse incidences, it was not until regression under hypnosis that I actually discovered that the cause of my pain with intercourse was from the initial perpetration. Soon after this discovery, the pain with intercourse dissipated. My life truly began to turn around, however, after the psychiatrist cleverly arranged for several of my appointments to be at the local state mental hospital. The reality of true craziness, toward which I was running headlong, shocked me into cleaning up my act. My suicidal tendencies, overall depression, and my willingness to live as a victim rapidly began to fall away from me. I took back my power as an individual and my self-esteem started to heal and grow._\n\n  \n\n\n_I know I would not be alive today, not as healed and whole, if it were not for my psychotherapy._\n\n  \n\n\n_I was molested by a couple of teenage boys when I was eight. That was terribly embarrassing. When I was nine I was molested by an old alcoholic at the stable where I rode. I remember I was more worried about keeping him away from my younger sister than I was about myself._\n\n  \n\n\n_I was sexually abused by at least twelve people from a very young age until I was sixteen. How have I healed from it? Therapy, connecting with other incest survivors, having sex when I want to, having the kind of sex I want, never having sex when I don\u2019t want to, nurturing myself, pagan ritual, connecting with nature, struggling and growing and combating the incest dynamics in my family with my mother, talking about it at both appropriate and \u201cinappropriate\u201d times (being very out about it), writing about it, developing and connecting with spirit guides, and above all learning to love myself exactly as I am. I spent about seven years being very afraid of sex, but now being sexually active is important to me. Since my body was sexually controlled as a child, I feel a pretty strong need to feel in control of my sexuality now. This includes nonexclusivity (being sexual with whomever I want regardless of who I am already being sexual with), a sensitivity on my lover\u2019s part to my incest issues (need for safety, etc.), and an on-and-off need to have really good sex._\n\n**\u2014KASEJA LAURINE WILDER**\n\nDoris, who is now forty-seven, was repeatedly abused by her brother from the age of six onward, and then raped by him as a teenager.\n\n_The molestation really hurt; it was very painful. As a result I cut myself off from all my feelings until about two years ago. I never went out with anyone. I never had a date, and I didn\u2019t know what a date was. I never explored my own body or touched myself. My life was just depression and numbness. I thought that sex, making love, and rape were all the same\u2014they were all rape._\n\nBarbara was molested as a preteen, and grew up in a family where sex and bodies were taboo subjects: \n\n_My mother was disgusted by anything to do with bodies and sexuality; her revulsion was as pervasive as the air that I breathed. Somehow I started masturbating and having orgasms when I was about sixteen. This might be on the list of miracles! But there\u2019s still this really strong mechanism in place in me to deny sexual feelings. Even now I often catch myself suppressing and denying my turn-ons. I often have the experience of making love to my partner and not being aware of being aroused. I\u2019m always surprised to discover that I\u2019m wet!_\n\nPart of the healing process for those of us who have been abused is getting in touch with our rage at being treated as though our own needs and feelings were of no importance. This may be very difficult since women are generally discouraged from showing anger. It may manifest in covert ways, emerging as an ongoing dissatisfaction with our partners, perhaps, coupled with a refusal to take the lead in changing the dynamic. Or it may simply be difficulty in taking responsibility for our own lives\u2014a hard thing to do when we spent our childhoods being told we should not and could not do so. If we were out of touch with our needs and feelings as children, how can we suddenly get in touch with them as adults? Of course we keep on trying to repress them! Old habits, when developed very young, die very hard.\n\nIt\u2019s possible to go through our lives thoroughly repressed, with only the vaguest sense of discomfort, which we quickly put aside whenever it gets close to the surface. There are so many ways to distract ourselves from that sense of discomfort: television, work, books, videos, drugs, alcohol, sports\u2014the list is endless. If you are willing to put up with a mediocre life, it can be easy and comfortable to stay in denial. Healing requires telling the truth, and that can get you into big trouble since so many people are invested in maintaining the status quo\u2014which usually means lying.\n\nWhen I talk about having good sex, I am talking about the kind of sex that requires healing. It requires that you have a sense of absolute autonomy over your body, and if you are going to develop that, you have to be in touch with what your body wants. That means you have to get in touch with the truth of who you are and what your feelings are. Instead of ignoring that sense of discomfort (the one that you occasionally catch out of the corner of your eye before you hurriedly turn away), you must face  it head-on. You must also be willing to face the massive array of \u201cunacceptable\u201d feelings that may come up as a result. This is what I call having integrity, which is about being integrated, being a whole human being. It means you have taken the courageous step of being totally honest with yourself. Being honest with other people can only happen when you are honest with yourself. It may mean massive changes in your life. You will have to stop blaming altogether, though you may go through fits of rage as you acknowledge that you have been treated very badly. Your life may be turned upside down. On the other hand, it is possible to heal, and there are resources to help survivors in the process of healing (some are listed in the Resources section). It may be hard, and it will be worth it.\n\nI hear the reader saying, surely I can have good sex without doing this!? Well, yes, you can, within limits. But you cannot reach the full potential of your sexuality if you are not fully present, just as you cannot reach your full potential as a human being if you are not fully present. And being fully present\u2014undistracted\u2014requires a willingness to be completely honest.\n\n#  _**Notes**_\n\n1 William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, _Human Sexual Response_ (Ishi Press, 2010). Originally published in 1966.\n\n2 Shere Hite, _The Hite Report: A National Study of Female Sexuality_ (Seven Stories Press, 2004). Originally published in 1976.\n\n3 Scarleteen.com is such a resource for teenagers, but there is not currently an equivalent resource for preteens or younger children.\n\n4 The Massachusetts Caucus of Women Legislators, 1997. For more statistics about violence against girls and women, Feminist.com has a comprehensive list (www.feminist.com/antiviolence/facts.html).\n"}
-{"input": "Could not generate response.", "response": "**CHAPTER** **8**\n\n**RELATIONSHIPS**\n\nRelationships occur on many levels. Some are not physical at all, but we may be sure that any sexual relationship is occurring _at least_ on a physical level; the way you relate to your own body and to your partner\u2019s body is going to affect the quality of the sex you have. So this chapter starts with bodies.\n\n_Don\u2019t use being unhappy with your body as an excuse not to take care of your body, and not to cherish it. One of the nicest things you can do for your body is have sex, whether with yourself or with someone else._\n\n**\u2014NIGHTOWL**\n\n  \n\n\nPeople tend to believe that you have to be beautiful in order to get sex, but the truth is that sex (from self-stimulation, or with a partner) can make you beautiful. The _afterglow_ that surrounds a woman who has been having powerful sex is very real and very attractive. When the energy of orgasm  sweeps through us, it leaves a charismatic residue around the person who has allowed it.\n\n_Orgasm is a chance to let my body really take over and do what it naturally needs to do, to open up._\n\nWe are usually extremely judgmental about our own bodies. Western culture has imbued us with a deep fear of looking \u201cwrong\u201d from a very young age: too fat, too thin, breasts too small or too big, hair too straight or too curly, lips too thin or too fat, nose too big or too small, body hair, body odors\u2014the list is endless. The most pervasive and damaging of all these is undoubtedly the fear of being fat; America has become a fat-phobic society. Yet our perceptions of how we look are completely subjective; in other cultures fat people are revered and admired.\n\nFor many women, learning to accept that they look just fine the way they are is a lifelong process. We struggle to believe that if someone doesn\u2019t like the way we look, it really doesn\u2019t matter, because there will always be _someone_ who does think we\u2019re beautiful. This is a huge subject beyond the scope of this book. But being uncomfortably self-conscious about our bodies is probably the single greatest factor in preventing us from being able to enjoy sex. It helps enormously to get positive reinforcement from external sources. Don\u2019t hang around with anyone who makes negative remarks about your body. Surround yourself with people who offer you a positive self-image.\n\n#  **Bodies**\n\n_I don\u2019t like my body a whole lot, and I certainly feel like my body image has affected my sexuality._\n\n  \n\n\n_As soon as my awareness was brought back to my body, how it looked, how it smelled, the products of it, the essence of my physical body, I felt excruciating shame, utter wrongness. I learned to live as if my body didn\u2019t exist._\n\nThe above quotes illustrate that some of us are a far cry from being fully present in our bodies. The first step in becoming more present is a conscious decision that you are willing to learn to trust your body and let it be in charge. This may take some practice. Take it one step at a time. Just watch how your body responds to different stimuli, letting it do what it wants to do without any censoring. This will be easier when you are on your own, when you don\u2019t have to concern yourself with someone else, or worry about what someone else is thinking of you. As we saw in Chapter Two, many women orgasm more reliably when masturbating alone than when making love with a partner. Your body knows what to do. When you feel its passion stirring, don\u2019t try to restrain it. Let it flail and shudder and shake and flutter and spasm and clench and jerk as much as it wants. Leave your mind behind. When you first start letting your body go after a lifetime of restraint, it may do some strange things. That\u2019s fine.\n\nDecide that you are going to accept yourself just the way you are, knowing that your body can give you incredible pleasure. It may take time to get to a place where you can fully embrace this truth. Start now, by committing to make that change in your thinking. You don\u2019t need to think about how long it will take. The simple fact that you have committed to it will allow the process to begin.\n\n_When I\u2019m feeling self-hate, I project that onto my physical self and I feel ugly, but when I\u2019ve been having a lot of sex I can get into feeling I have a very handsome, sexy fat body!_\n\n  \n\n\n_Because I wasn\u2019t a traditionally pretty girl, in fact was very much a physical misfit with my height and size and intellect, I got a lot of signals from society during adolescence that nobody would ever want me sexually and that I was going to miss out on something important and wonderful. I still have a lot of insecurity around this. I\u2019m always worried that nobody\u2019s going to find me sexually attractive. Once I\u2019m past that point, I have very few sexual hang-ups or reservations, and I\u2019ve always been happily orgasmic with most of my partners._\n\n  \n\n\n_What\u2019s happening physically is only about 5 percent of what brings me to orgasm. The rest is what I\u2019m thinking or feeling or fantasizing._\n\nStress is a killer when it comes to good sex; your body won\u2019t feel sexual when you are not able to relax. Find a way of distancing yourself from everyday stresses, and practice conscious relaxation. If you begin having sex by deciding that you _must_ have an orgasm, then you are setting up another source of stress. Don\u2019t start out with any goal other than getting to know yourself. Your body needs to be allowed to do what it wants to do with minimal interference from your mind. Let go of all \u201coughts\u201d and \u201cshoulds\u201d; quiet the nagging judgmental voices that will effectively prevent your being able to let go.\n\nWhen you first start doing this, you may encounter a lot of resistance and a lot of old blocks that feel very uncomfortable. So you may not even be having a good time. If you want to learn to have good sex, with all its attendant benefits, you have to be willing to go through this period of difficulty. It will pass more quickly if you allow yourself to feel it fully.\n\nLet your mind range freely in whatever fantasy world comes up for you. As Nancy Friday\u2019s book, _The Secret Garden_ 1, illustrates, the range of women\u2019s fantasies is vast. Don\u2019t censor them; they may be a glorious source for your sexual turn-on, and even if they are not essential, they may very well enhance it. The wonderful thing about fantasies is that you never have to do anything about them. You don\u2019t have to act them out, or even, for that matter, admit to them. Fantasies don\u2019t have to be socially acceptable, politically correct, physically feasible, morally admirable, or legal.\n\nLet me make it clear that when I recommend ignoring interference from your mind, it is the _judgmental_ mind I\u2019m referring to. For some women, the mind is the most versatile sex organ.\n\n_I\u2019ve just taken on an ownership role in the company where I work, and I\u2019ve realized how much the stress of having to generate a large income affects my ability to orgasm, or to be sexual at all!_\n\n#  **Take Your Time**\n\nIf you are going to make significant changes in the quality of your sex life, you need to devote some quality time to having sex. The British condom maker, Durex, published a survey reporting that the average time spent on any single sexual interchange in the United States is the highest in the world. It is all of 25.3 minutes. If you live in Britain it is only 20.9 minutes, and in Hong Kong it is only 12.3 minutes. Well, folks, I\u2019m sorry, but that has to change. If you want to improve your sex life I suggest you spend 25.3 minutes talking about it and two hours doing it\u2014slowly. When you have gotten to know each other\u2019s and your own bodies, then you may be able to have satisfying sex in 25.3 minutes, although I guarantee that once you\u2019re having good sex, you will want to spend a great deal longer on it. Until then, you need to devote some serious time to having fun. If you are not willing to set aside this kind of time and energy for sex, then I suggest you explore your resistance before you do anything else, because learning to give yourself to it totally is a prerequisite for good sex. If you\u2019re resentful of the time it\u2019s taking, you\u2019ll never be able to let go into it.\n\nTaking time for sex is a moral and/or religious issue for some women:\n\n _I\u2019m sure my upbringing and early experiences had a profound effect on my sexual expression. I was brought up to believe that sex was for procreation only and not for pleasure._\n\n#  **Partners**\n\nIf you feel that being sexual is a perfectly fine way to pass the time, but you just can\u2019t imagine having sex so good that you would want to do it for hours, then perhaps you need to look at your partner. Are you really attracted to this person? Attraction occurs on many levels; maybe you think your lover is very good-looking, and yet he or she just doesn\u2019t turn you on. We don\u2019t know what true attraction is until we have experienced it. Good looks and good sex are rarely the same thing. Someone you may not initially find physically attractive could have a touch that does it all for you. Don\u2019t limit your options. We have been socialized as to what we \u201cshould\u201d find attractive. In some circles this is limited to a macho \u201chunk,\u201d while in others it is a \u201crespectable\u201d professional. The people who are acceptable or deemed desirable in your social circle may not be right  for you. This can be painfully true if you are gay. It may take half a lifetime for a woman to recognize that she is attracted to other women, such is the power of the social norm.\n\nSome women, of all orientations, consistently make bad choices for lovers. If you find yourself repeatedly attracted to people who just aren\u2019t good for you, who put you down or abuse you, developing a feminist perspective on women\u2019s social roles might support the changes you need to make. We may live out our lives unconsciously following the models that were offered to us when we were growing up, and some of those models are not desirable. Are you choosing men who are like your father? Is that a good idea? Are you acting out old family patterns? A good counselor will be able to help you look at these issues.\n\n_Desire and sexual intimacy with someone have often colored my view of that person, to my detriment._\n\nAlthough trust is not an essential factor in having good sex, many women need to be in a trusting relationship in order to have really satisfying sex. Others tend to construct barriers against intimacy with people they know well, in which case they may find having sex with strangers a genuine turn-on. Take a realistic look at what is right for you. Being able to identify what is really going on requires letting go of external judgments about right and wrong.\n\n_There is something very hot for me about having sex with someone I haven\u2019t even been introduced to._\n\nIs your lover really attracted to you? Does he or she really _like_ you? It\u2019s doubtful that you\u2019ll have good sex with someone who puts you down because they don\u2019t actually like who you are. You need to know that your partner _wants_ to be there with you. It\u2019s no good trying to have sex with someone who isn\u2019t also working toward making it good, or someone who doesn\u2019t want to own up to his or her own issues. If you are in a partnership, you must be able to support one another even when things don\u2019t go smoothly. And you must appreciate each other in order to do that.\n\n#  **Withholding Feelings**\n\nEven if you are in a great relationship, you may have some unresolved issues with your lover that prevent you from being able to let go. You may love this person dearly and still have some anger or resentment that you\u2019re holding onto, perhaps because you don\u2019t want to hurt your partner, or because you are discouraged about the prospect of change, or because you are afraid of your partner\u2019s reaction. Perhaps it\u2019s just old stuff that you can\u2019t even name. You may decide in your mind that your feelings are unjustified or irrelevant, but that has absolutely nothing to do with how your body responds. Mental or intellectual reasoning rarely affect the body\u2019s responses.\n\n_If my partner and I don\u2019t make love for a while, it\u2019s usually a sign that stuff is unsaid between us._\n\n  \n\n\n_When I have had difficulties with having orgasms, it\u2019s usually about stresses in my relationship rather than the physical actions._\n\nIf your body is holding itself in a state of tension because of an unexpressed feeling, then it cannot let go into orgasm. You must address the issue. _There are no unjustified feelings;_ there are many reasons to be angry or untrusting, and there are just as many ways of expressing anger without blame. Let yourself feel what you feel without judging it. The important thing is that you move through your feelings; it may not even be important to work out where they came from. Letting go of whatever you are holding onto so tenaciously may be a very long process. It may involve going to a counselor. It will certainly involve being honest, raising your level of conscious awareness, and developing the art of real communication with your partner. Honesty can be painful initially but it\u2019s always worth it in the long run, because once you have truthfully acknowledged the problem, then it can change. You can\u2019t go anywhere new without starting from where you are.\n\n_I was with this guy for a couple of years and then the sex got to be very unsatisfying. I think what happened was that I closed down to him emotionally. I stopped having orgasms._\n\n#  **A Great Love Doesn\u2019t Always Guarantee Great Sex**\n\nNotice I have not asked if you love your partner. Unfortunately, loving someone does not ensure good sex with that person. You may love someone _and_ have good sex with them; you may love someone _because_ you have good sex with them; and you may love someone you don\u2019t have good sex with. I would advise you to be careful of making a commitment to anyone just because the sex is great. When we are sexual with someone, we open ourselves up to the possibility of experiencing ecstasy. This is a very powerful and wonderful state to be in, but it shouldn\u2019t be mistaken for an unlimited source of love. Nor is the person who occasions this response necessarily someone you should spend the rest of your life with. Wonderful sex is a fine thing, but it is not always a healthy basis for a lasting relationship.\n\nMany people have issues with intimacy, and it may have nothing to do with the specific person. Frequently it\u2019s simply a reaction to becoming very familiar with someone. If your partner begins to feel like family, then sex with him or her may start to feel inappropriate. Dulling of passion through familiarity is not an inevitable fact, however. There are a number of different ways to work on spicing up a relationship. Being willing to experiment with new ways of doing things is the first prerequisite.\n\nOften the people we love are the ones we spend most of our time with, the ones for whom we make many little compromises, because we want them to be happy. Those little compromises may make day-to-day life easier\u2014and they may be death to sexual turn-ons, if they result in a slow buildup of resentment.\n\nMaybe you can work on the relationship you are in, with the person you already share your life with, and end up having good sex. Maybe you will need to go outside the relationship for good sex, and if this is the case, you should be able to discuss it with your partner. Maybe you will decide to leave your partner and look for a new sexual partner. This is a choice that many people will criticize you for. We are not supposed to make choices based \u201cmerely\u201d on sexual desire. However, the reality for many people is that sex can be the doorway to a path of personal and spiritual growth, and if you need to leave your partner in order to follow that path, then you certainly have my blessing. There is no need to put up with mediocrity in any area of your life.\n\n#  **Communication**\n\nIf you decide that your partner is not the source of the problem (and it is unlikely she or he is the _only_ source of the problem), then the next question is, are you talking to each other about what you need in bed, or are you stuck in a routine with little or no variation, and no discussion? It is possible that if you begin to talk to each other about your desires, you may start doing things differently, and all of a sudden you\u2019ll both be having a wonderful time. It can be intensely intimate and erotic to talk explicitly about sex, which is one reason why so many of us experience embarrassment or discomfort when we do. Once you start talking, you may be surprised to find feelings of aversion do an abrupt turnaround and become feelings of arousal.\n\nYou may wish you could tell your partner that you don\u2019t like something she or he is doing, and it\u2019s fear of causing offence that stops you. It is often difficult and always important to be able to say, \u201cI don\u2019t like this,\u201d and have your partner respect that. The fact that it is so hard to say is a reflection of how much our egos are tied into being good lovers. Truthfully, no one can do everything right all the time. One person\u2019s turn-on can be another person\u2019s turn-off. If your partner is really committed to pleasing you, then he or she will be able to put aside any feelings of inadequacy and listen to you, just as you will put aside your feelings of inadequacy and listen. You may want to choose your words carefully so as not to offend, but not offending your partner is not as important as making yourself clear. It is vital for women to learn to state their needs, and state them clearly. _Say what you mean and mean what you say._\n\nIf you find yourself wanting to change your partner, and think \u201cIf only he/she would\u2026\u201d be wary. You almost certainly need to dig deeper and look at yourself. Being invested in changing other people never comes to any good conclusion. In the end, you can only change yourself.\n\n#  **The Power of No**\n\nIn this culture, saying \u201cno\u201d is often equated with saying, \u201cI don\u2019t love you.\u201d In reality, the two are not related. Saying \u201cno\u201d is about establishing our autonomy in the world. It has absolutely no relevance to how much we love, or don\u2019t love, the person we are saying it to. Learning to hear the word \u201cno\u201d simply for what it is\u2014\u201cNo, I don\u2019t want that right now\u201d\u2014without  experiencing it as a personal rejection, greatly enhances the ability to communicate. Similarly, learning that it is okay to say it, and that saying it won\u2019t end the relationship, facilitates the process of reclaiming and equalizing power for _both_ partners. And if it does end the relationship, you can be sure it needs to end.\n\nIt may be appalling to realize how rarely we feel we have the right or the ability to say no in our daily lives, how often we give in to subtle, unspoken pressures. Here is one perspective from an incest survivor:\n\n _The pressure (to have sex) from my father was violent and life-threatening. The pressure from my husband was the legal and societal definition of the marriage contract, and at that time, I felt that I desperately needed the protection of marriage as a buffer from sexual aggression._\n\n**\u2014CAROLYN GAGE** **2**\n\n  \n\n\nAnd another point of view, from a sex worker:\n\n _When it was my profession, I always made sure that I felt okay about what I gave in return for what I was paid. I bargained for what I felt was fair. I\u2019ve made many more compromises in my social sex life than I ever did as a professional._\n\nIt is not easy to set clear boundaries, but until we establish, in our own psyches, that we do have the right to say no any time we feel like it, there will always be a little voice saying, \u201cI wish I could choose not to do this.\u201d Many of us resist owning up to the existence of this voice, because if we give it any credence, we might find it very hard to give in to someone making demands on our bodies, and _then_ we would be failing as caretakers, and _then_ we might find ourselves alone. However you will never be fully in your power until you can say no clearly.\n\nAsserting ourselves like this is not something that happens in a vacuum. In the short run, saying no, and allowing old feelings to surface, may put a strain on a relationship. Both partners need to exercise patience and tap into communication skills they perhaps never even knew they had. If couples counseling is an option, I urge you to consider it. In the long run, if each partner learns to say no and accepts the other saying it, the  relationship can only grow stronger and healthier. Ultimately, wonderful sex is about merging, and that cannot happen until both partners consciously choose to be present, in the fullness of their power.\n\nPerhaps we don\u2019t feel like saying no to sex altogether, but only to certain activities. Negotiate with your partner. Try to come from a place of compassion for your partner\u2019s needs, without giving in to them if they are at odds with yours. If you make compromises, make sure they are conscious, and know that you have freely agreed to them. Too many compromises grudgingly made will cause resentment. Make sure you end up feeling empowered by your decisions (it is _never_ empowering when you do something just to avoid upsetting your partner). When you\u2019re being sexual, stop when you want to stop, which may be long before your partner wants you to. Always do it with kindness. If you cannot get beyond your dislike, or you feel that any negotiation is more of a sacrifice than a compromise, then you need to respect that, and so does your partner. Don\u2019t try to push through your resistance, because you will only make it stronger. (In fact, once you stop trying to push through it, you may find that it goes away of its own accord.) Remember, you are not alone, and you are not crazy. You cannot continue to do things you really don\u2019t enjoy without destroying parts of yourself, and you are responding to this dilemma in a sane and normal way.\n\nRemember, too, that your partner is not your enemy, although he or she may sometimes feel like it. Even if you finally separate because you cannot fulfill each other\u2019s needs, it doesn\u2019t mean you don\u2019t love each other. A relationship shouldn\u2019t be a war zone. It is a partnership in which you work _together_ to arrive at a place where you can both be fully present and honest, and both give each other what you can without being drained, whether your relationship is sexual or not.\n\nYou may decide that you don\u2019t want to have sex at all. Channeling your creative energy into some other area of life is a perfectly valid choice, and you may still be able to maintain a loving partnership. Being sexual is only one way of giving and receiving love.\n\n#  **The Power of Yes**\n\n_**Remember, the likelihood that there are people somewhere who will appreciate what you have to offer is very high; the question you need to address is how to find them.**_\n\nThere is another side to this coin, and that is: there can be no \u201cno\u201d without \u201cyes.\u201d Some women grow up surrounded by sexual innuendoes and wandering hands that they cannot escape. Other women grow up deprived of any sexual identity at all. This is often painfully the case for women who are overweight, or otherwise considered not conventionally attractive. Verbal ridicule, physical and/or emotional abuse, and social restrictions are typical consequences for them as girls and young women. Such conditioning goes very deep and can be difficult to overcome.\n\nWomen who want more sex, or different kinds of sex than their partners offer them, may find themselves out on a limb. Women who are not in a steady relationship, or want to have sex outside a relationship, may have nowhere to turn for sexual satisfaction. If we feel like our options are limited, then we may say yes to a situation because we think it\u2019s the best we are going to get. We may end up staying with a partner, although we are not getting the sex we want, or the respect we need, because we are afraid of getting no sex at all. We may find ourselves toning down our passion in order to avoid alienating our partner. We may be accused of harassing our partner. We may be accused of nymphomania or sex addiction. Masturbation is a useful stopgap, but it doesn\u2019t fill the very real need for human contact.\n\nRemember, the likelihood that there are people somewhere who will appreciate what you have to offer is very high; the question you need to address is how to find them.\n\nWhether you find yourself needing to establish a yes or a no, compassion and honesty are essential. Although anger is a natural reaction to long periods of failing to have your needs validated (and feelings of anger should not be denied), in the long run, blaming your partner isn\u2019t going to help\u2014she or he is also a product of cultural conditioning, after all, and, extraordinary though it may seem, we are all doing our best. Talking with friends, or other people who have been through similar difficulties, and getting objective feedback and support, can make a world of difference.\n\n#  **Getting Turned On**\n\nIf you and your lover have not been sexually adventurous, maybe you just don\u2019t know how or where to start. I hope this book will give you some inspiration. Talking with friends may be an excellent source of information. There is some good graphic (or not so graphic) erotica and pornography out there, in the form of books and videos. Give your imagination some interesting material to start with, and then let it roam.\n\nBeware: much pornography is poorly produced and gives an unrealistic picture of what constitutes real sex between real people. But there is some higher quality material available, and I have listed some of these in the Resources section. I would recommend avoiding the real garbage; it may be inexpensive, but it will not help you to love yourself.\n\nIf you and/or your lover are uptight about sex and experience shame about being turned on, then you are very unlikely to have terrific sex until you examine where that shame comes from and find some way of exorcizing it. Feeling shame around our natural sexual responses and bodily functions, and needing to stay in control of our physical responses, is not unusual, but it will certainly inhibit sexual enjoyment. Good sex always involves letting go. The mind has a tendency to hold on, in an effort to prevent the body from doing something unacceptable.\n\n_I come easily when I\u2019m on my own, but when I\u2019m with my lover I can\u2019t always come. I need oral stimulation and he\u2019s good at it and likes to do it, but I find myself somewhat inhibited when he does it. I\u2019m thinking too much._\n\nAre you afraid your partner will think you look ugly and sound weird when you are allowing your body to respond freely? Why not ask? You may be surprised: most people get very excited when their partner is clearly turned on. Most of us prefer to make love with someone who is responsive instead of contained. The following are all quotes from men:\n\n _I love it when a woman comes like crazy. They are so very, very unladylike\u2014it is wonderful._\n\n  \n\n\n_I love watching, listening, smelling women having orgasms\u2014out of control, into ecstasy\u2014that is very, very pleasurable._\n\n  \n\n\n_My favorite aspect of a woman\u2019s orgasm is her loss of control. For that short time she is not planning or calculating. Many women I\u2019ve been with have trouble letting go, but to have a satisfying orgasm, they have to. It\u2019s not that I feel I have control over them, just that they are free for a moment._\n\n  \n\n\n_I made love to one woman who had no inhibitions of any kind. She was and is the best lover I have ever known._\n\nWhether or not you have a partner, I would recommend that you spend some time masturbating. If you don\u2019t know yourself, then you can\u2019t tell your partner how to pleasure you. Play with your genitals. See what feels good, and as I said earlier, allow your body to respond in whatever way it chooses. Vibrators are not a substitute for getting to know your body with your own hands, but they are an excellent way to achieve sensations that you won\u2019t get any other way.\n\nSpend time thinking about sex. Note what thoughts trigger an actual physical reaction. Do certain things make you squirm inside? Look at what those things are: are they things that turn you on, things that you find disgusting, or both? Don\u2019t worry if the answer is both; we have been brought up watching TV and movies that offer us a very warped view of sex: on the one hand, it\u2019s sordid, on the other hand it\u2019s glamorous. Having paradoxical and conflicting reactions to sexual desire is normal. In fact, the strength of your response, even if on the surface it appears to be negative, might be a clue that those are the very things that arouse you. Let your mind and your body do whatever they do. Don\u2019t censor, just observe. If you practice this basic form of meditation, you will eventually get to a place where you can make a choice between following the desires of your body or the judgments of your mind.\n\nHow do you feel about touching your own body? Do you enjoy making love to yourself? Or do you just want to get it over with? Notice how you masturbate. Do you follow a standard formula? If so, vary it. And take your time! Is your mind somewhere else? Are you concentrating on what you\u2019re doing? Stay with the feelings that come up when you are touching yourself, acknowledge them, and allow yourself to feel them. This is a practice that I would recommend for anyone who wants to expand their sexual awareness, because you may discover feelings of desire that you  would not allow yourself to experience when you are with a partner.\n\n#  **Dealing with Difficult Feelings**\n\nWe are trained to cover up and ignore feelings of disgust or hostility, yet it is quite normal for feelings of this kind to arise when you get in touch with the power of sexual desire. Feelings of revulsion could be the residue of an abusive past. Or they may reflect the contradictory attitude toward sex displayed and promoted by our culture; while on the one hand we are spoon-fed a sanitized version of sex in order to sell anything and everything, with the other hand we are taught to revile all things earthy or natural. Despite social worship of hard bodies, fashion models, and sports stars, there is a strong undercurrent of abhorrence for the body, especially the female body.\n\n_I don\u2019t like naked flesh, and I don\u2019t like body smells. They turn me off._\n\nFeelings of disgust or hostility could also be an indicator of problems in your relationship with your partner, as I described earlier, or of problems that your partner needs to address. Some people need coaching on topics ranging from adequate hygiene to showing simple consideration for others. However, negative feelings may come from a deeper source. Surrendering to sex can uncover all kinds of feelings you never knew you had. There is a great potential for powerful healing and personal growth here, but it may feel frightening, and fear may express itself as hostility.\n\nThe sense of merging with one\u2019s partner, or with the oneness of all things that great sex creates, can also give rise to difficult feelings. As heavenly as this merging may be, it requires the momentary sacrifice of the individual identity, the death of the little ego. And the ego may experience intense terror. Ego, that sense of your self as individual, is an essential component for functioning in the world. Learn to trust that you can experience oneness and still recover your sense of self. I suggest you take it slowly\u2014and do what you need to do to reassure your ego, short of giving up your quest for sexual fulfillment.\n\nIf you are able to talk to any of your friends about sex, here is a question you might want to ask: do you experience so-called inappropriate  feelings when you\u2019re having sex? If they are honest, they will very likely say yes.\n\n_I went through a period where every time I came, I cried. I have no idea where the feelings came from or even what they were about._\n\n  \n\n\n_I have sometimes felt the most incredible fury when I\u2019m having sex with my partner, even when I\u2019m really in love with her._\n\nIf you repress these feelings, then a free flow of sexual energy is unlikely to occur. If you acknowledge the feelings, without having to understand where they come from, they may simply pass. After examining them, you may find they are not important, and you may be able to consciously put them aside. If the feelings are overpowering, you may decide to discuss them with your lover. She or he may be willing to help you work on them, or you may even find that there is a way to play with them in a sexual context. If you don\u2019t have a lover, or you are unable to bring your feelings up for discussion, and yet they continue to interfere during sex, then you might want to find a counselor.\n\nThere may be a legitimate reason for you to be angry with your partner. Don\u2019t dismiss this option until you are satisfied that any lingering emotional undercurrents from a past incident or ongoing dynamics are brought out into the open and fully resolved. You may have persuaded yourself that things are fine just because that is the way you want them.\n\n**HOW TO RECOGNIZE A FEELING WHEN IT HITS YOU IN THE FACE**\n\nWe are trained to devalue our feelings, to the point where many of us don\u2019t even recognize them. Here are a few very basic pointers for getting back in touch with feelings:\n\n**1\\. Feelings are not facts or events.** But they are real and they are often loaded with energy. They are _always_ an indication of something that needs to be looked at. They often have a much stronger effect on us than facts do, and they color our experience of events. They often arise as a response to an event, although they may sometimes seem inappropriate or unjustified.\n\n**2\\. Feelings are not rational.** They can rarely be changed by a rational explanation of how irrational they are. Telling yourself or someone else that he or she is being irrational is usually ineffective, even damaging. It is an unnecessary and useless put-down.\n\n**3\\. Feelings need to be expressed.** If they are repressed, they will probably grow and require a lot of energy to keep under control. Learn to express them in ways that don\u2019t harm the people around you. Instead of snapping at someone who\u2019s bothering you, you may want to go outside and run, smash a bottle against a wall, or rant to a friend who understands that you are not being rational, and that you just need to vent. Be aware that some feelings need physical as well as verbal expression.\n\n**4\\. Feelings change.** Often the feeling will dissipate when it is expressed, or it will metamorphose into another feeling that may appear to be directly opposed: anger to fear, for instance. Allow this to happen; it is normal and it does not devalue the feeling in any way.\n\n**5\\. Sometimes it is better not to take action when you are in the midst of experiencing an intense feeling.** Strong feelings around a particular person or event may indicate that some action is necessary in order for you to take care of yourself, or of someone else, but we are not always able to see clearly when we are seeing red. Allow the intensity of the feeling to recede, then consider appropriate action when you are a little more rational.\n\n#  **Getting Down to Business**\n\nNow let\u2019s consider the practical aspects of sex. The single most important factor here is taking the time for lots of sexual play, whether you are alone or with a partner. There will be occasions when you just feel overtaken by desire and you leap on top of one another in a passionate frenzy. But if you don\u2019t take it slowly some of the time, then you might miss out on something wonderful.\n\nFirstly, make the space and time to talk with your partner about sex. Take turns: first one of you speaks and then the other. Listening is as vital a communication skill as talking. Tell your partner what you want him or her to do to you, how you\u2019ve imagined it will feel when she or he does a particular thing, and how much it turns you on thinking about it. If thinking about it scares you, it is okay to say that too. Touching your partner in a gentle, loving fashion often facilitates loving communication. When you are talking about the basics of your relationship, it\u2019s good to look into your partner\u2019s eyes, but when you are talking about the nuts and bolts of desire you may want to be in a darkened room, whispering in your partner\u2019s ear. Do whatever you need to do to make it possible for you to verbalize your desires.\n\n_Allowing your partner to be with you when you feel nervous may make you feel more connected to this person. The two of you will overcome your fears together._\n\n**\u2014ALEX ROBBOY**\n\nUltimately, you want to be able to communicate using facial expressions, nonverbal sounds, your eyes, and your body language to convey your conscious intent. If you can only use words right now, then start there; but do affirm to yourself and to your partner that your intent is to be freely, openly, and lovingly sexual. Repeat this affirmation often and clearly. Hold onto your conscious intent, and go back to it whenever you feel overwhelmed.\n\nThere will be times when you don\u2019t want to talk, and in fact too much chatter may block pure body sensation and empathic feelings.\n\nAnd remember, neither of you are making any guarantees. You are making suggestions with regard to what you think you want. That does not mean that if you actually try those things you will have a wonderful time.  When you try them, you may discover that you don\u2019t enjoy them. If both of you consent, there is no harm in trying anything once. If it doesn\u2019t feel good, you never need to do it again.\n\nHopefully, as you share your innermost desires with your partner, he or she will get excited about the idea of exploring them with you. If your partner is less than enthusiastic, make sure it is not because he or she feels inadequate or frightened. A little reassurance never goes amiss. Perhaps you need a lot more discussion before you can agree on an approach to sex that you are both comfortable with.\n\nIf you are in agreement, then go for it. But go slowly, and keep giving feedback! Feedback can be verbal or physical. It is often easier to explain where you want to be touched by taking your partner\u2019s hand and placing it there than struggling with a verbal explanation. Ideally your partner will be watching you carefully and reading your nonverbal signals before you need to make them verbal. But it can be very tricky to read another person\u2019s body language correctly, so never rely only on your or your partner\u2019s ability to do so. Check things out on a verbal level at an appropriate time. And remember, it is fine to ask your partner to stop at any time; don\u2019t wait until you hate what is happening before speaking up. There may be times when you just need your lover to pause for a moment or two and stop the stimulation, perhaps to let the energy gather itself. _Don\u2019t expect your partner to know automatically what you want._\n\n_At the moment of orgasm I always want my partner to hold absolutely still inside me._\n\n#  **Take a Risk, But Don\u2019t Take It Seriously**\n\n**Being graceful is neither realistic nor important\u2014this is sex, not ballet.**\n\nResign yourself: you _are_ going to have to take initiative. You don\u2019t need to be brazen about it; if shy is what you feel, then it\u2019s fine to let that show. Don\u2019t hold yourself tightly\u2014let your feelings be clear to your partner, especially if you are turned on. Allow yourself to be responsive.\n\n_It\u2019s hard for me to come when my partner is not clearly turned on and desiring me._\n\nAre you nervous about taking the initiative? Then ask your partner, \u201cIs this okay?\u201d But don\u2019t let your fear of making a mistake stop you. No doubt you will occasionally make mistakes. We all do, in all areas of life. The important thing is to learn and move on. Don\u2019t let yourself be paralyzed.\n\nWhat if your partner gets so nervous while trying something new that he can\u2019t maintain an erection? Well, as any lesbian will tell you, that shouldn\u2019t matter in the least because it is generally easier to pleasure a woman manually or orally. In any case, why should intercourse be the sole focus of your play?\n\nWhat if your body starts shaking or you find yourself sweating with a combination of nervousness and desire? If it\u2019s really too frightening, have your partner hold you and stroke you gently. Go ahead and cry if it helps.\n\nLearn to laugh at yourself; gentle laughter can be enormously healing. You will never do everything perfectly. There will always be times when you accidentally pull your partner\u2019s hair or do something clumsy and embarrassing. Being graceful is neither realistic nor important\u2014this is sex, not ballet.\n\n_Sex is often really funny. Not put-down, humiliating funny, but the \u201cHey, we\u2019re all human aren\u2019t we?\u201d kind of funny where people and body parts do surprising or unexpected things at odd moments. Being able to laugh together at those moments peels off a layer of self-consciousness and awkwardness, traits that inhibit orgasm._\n\nOnce you have learned to go more slowly, vary your pace. Teasing is often a great deal of fun. You might spend days developing sexual tension, knowing that you can choose to go \u201call the way\u201d whenever you want. Anticipation can be half the pleasure. Expand your definition of sex to include more of what is generally called foreplay. Many women can come or get very close to coming from having other parts of their bodies stimulated, besides their genitals.\n\n_Almost any part of my body can be erotic, but especially my breasts, neck, back, buttocks, and mouth._\n\nThere is no need to limit sex to the bedroom, but whatever place you choose to be sexual, be aware of your partner\u2019s issues. Many people need to feel sure they are not going to be interrupted. Others are more aroused when there is fear of \u201cdiscovery.\u201d\n\nLearn to flirt. You can flirt without looking at someone, or you can flirt with nothing but eye contact. You might flirt outrageously in outrageous places. Make sexual innuendoes to your lover over the phone. Send flowers and love notes. If you find these things laughable, then perhaps your desire for your partner is jaded. How does it feel to think of doing these things with someone else?\n\nPlay games. Dress up. Adopt a new persona or create scenarios to act out with your partner; maybe one of you wants to be the seducer and the other a reluctant (or not so reluctant) innocent. There are infinite possibilities here: the meter reader who arrives while the seductive lady of the house is in the bath; the gardener who is horrified when his employer catches him masturbating in the gazebo; the alien from outer space who adopts a human form but knows nothing about sex and must be taught. At first you may feel ridiculous, but you may be surprised at how wet you get once you overcome your inhibitions.\n\nBe real about your feelings. Be willing to laugh. Take risks. You won\u2019t die.\n\nAll of this may or may not lead directly to orgasms, but as I said at the beginning of this chapter, such specific expectations tend to set you up for failure in the first place. Much of the art of creating hot sex is about _not_ focusing on orgasm. It may even involve deliberately forestalling climax.\n\n_Sometimes I don\u2019t even try to have an orgasm, and it\u2019s nice not to have it as a goal but rather just to experience sensations._\n\nI have devoted much of this chapter to the importance of letting go in order to have good sex; letting go of preconceptions, of inhibitions, of needing things to be a certain way, of having goals, of emotional stresses and tensions. The actual physical experience of orgasm also requires a letting go, but in its earlier phases it usually requires a physical buildup of  muscular tension. This physical tension is often necessary and should be facilitated, _not_ avoided.\n\n_The explosion of orgasm comes when the tension in my legs is released and my clitoris pulses rapidly._\n\nOur sexual responses are innate and natural, but sex is not an individual thing, it is interactive. It occurs in a social context, in a cultural matrix, which predetermines some of our sexual dynamics. Learning to recognize those dynamics can help us to make positive choices.\n\nA great deal of what I\u2019m talking about here can be summed up as developing a sense of self-esteem, a sense of yourself as a worthy individual. In the end, that knowing of oneself as valuable without requiring any external input is the basis of leading a fulfilling life\u2014which includes fulfilling sex.\n\n#  **Asserting Ourselves**\n\nIt is so easy to let things slide, to maintain our lives and relationships the way they always have been, rather than taking the steps to change things for the better. Failing to say no or to take the initiative when you\u2019ve never done either before may not seem like a problem. It _is_ a problem if it means that you are enduring mediocrity in your life. And it is most definitely a problem if you are blaming someone else for that mediocrity. What happens is a common dynamic between couples: a woman isn\u2019t happy with the relationship, but it doesn\u2019t really occur to her that she can change it, or the effort of changing it seems too overwhelming, so she does nothing, but still feels resentful. She may end up blaming her partner for her sense of powerlessness because that is less risky than taking steps to change. If she has ten children and an abusive husband who controls all the money, she must be very careful not to incite him to violence. In this country, however, many women are in a position to take their power, and what prevents them is not so much real fear as it is the habit of abdicating responsibility.\n\nOf course, this relationship dynamic may be reversed, with the male partner being the one to abdicate responsibility.\n\nIf you want to be sexually fulfilled, at some point in your lifetime you  need to take charge and make sex into a form of play where you set your own rules and call your own shots, doing only what you want to do and what gives you pleasure. If at the end of the day you have only stroked your lover\u2019s back, and you feel fulfilled by that, you can feel confident that you owe nothing more. Sex should never, even inadvertently, be a violation. No matter how many times you say \u201cI don\u2019t want to do anything that you don\u2019t want to,\u201d if you never say, \u201cOkay, this is what I want,\u201d then the relationship can never grow. Whether it is sleeping alone, having separate beds, doing nothing explicitly sexual, masturbating across the room while your partner watches, or vice versa, doing cunnilingus and nothing else, engaging in sex only in a spiritual context\u2014whatever it is, no matter how seemingly radical, you must decide what it is you really want and negotiate with your partner from there.\n\nOnce you have learned to take charge, you can make the conscious choice _not_ to be in charge if that\u2019s what you want. And remember, changing your mind about what you want is always an option.\n\nDo sex the way you want to do it, and know that you are doing it because you have chosen it. The best partners are the ones who are doing it for themselves, from a place of compassion and openheartedness. When I asked Jesse how she would describe to someone how to give her oral sex, she said:\n\n _I wouldn\u2019t tell somebody how to give me oral sex. That would be like telling someone how to talk to me, what to say to me. I want to hear what they have to say._\n\nThis is a very astute observation and explains why sex manuals often come up short. What is needed is not so much information on the practical aspects of sex, but more information on how to talk to one another with our bodies, with _and_ without words. It is a skill that can be learned if you are open to learning it. But you have to want to be there with every part of your being, not just the conscious part, and you have to be willing to be open and vulnerable. Not many of us are really willing to be that visible, that exposed. Anna Marti explains it like this:\n\n _The most exciting erotic partner is one who is totally wired into it themselves and is having a really good time. They\u2019re probably having a good time regardless of who is gong to be there. The erotic experience is really about having every cell in my body engaged._\n\nWomen are traditionally the givers and that is what we tend to do: we give ourselves away, not in the sense of making ourselves vulnerable but in the sense of giving up our innate inner being. We give up our own needs in favor of our lover\u2019s.\n\n\u201cGiving\u201d in this sense means prioritizing someone else\u2019s needs and feelings over our own, and many of us have been taught that our needs are not as important as those of others. This is a lie. We cannot be complete human beings if we do not pay attention to our own feelings. Feelings are what inform us of our needs, of what is right for us individually, of why we are here being human. Our feelings will guide us on the paths we must follow throughout our lives. Healthy sexual relationships are about balance, not sacrifice, about sharing, not withholding.\n\n#  **Claiming Our Passion**\n\nMany women are able to claim their sexual passion in spite of their cultural conditioning. They assert their sexual passion, knowing they are doing it for themselves and not for anyone else. And they look for kindred spirits in the people they choose to be sexual with, opting to work together to develop honest, open partnerships."}
-{"input": " Write about the different dynamics and experiences of hard and soft sex, including the feelings and emotions that can arise during these encounters. Discuss the concept of consensuality and its importance in both types of sexual exchanges. Additionally, touch upon the various fantasies and desires that individuals may have and how they can be explored and expressed in a safe and consensual manner.", "response": "Even when a woman does experience sex as an act of submission, she may feel empowered by it; paradoxically, total surrender\u2014letting down all defenses and allowing physical pleasure and passion to take over\u2014can be deeply liberating. Such a woman may consent to being submissive in that context; she may very well be someone with power and responsibility in her everyday life, and wants to experience the opposite in bed. She recognizes the universal truth that vulnerability always requires strength. She remains securely connected with her own inner power and stays connected to that source of personal power even when she appears to be acting submissively.\n\nStrong sexual energy can feel alarming, especially to people who were molested as children. This kind of dynamic can be addressed within the context of sexual play.\n\n_It used to be that I would feel like an abuser if I really let my passion show. There didn\u2019t seem to be any way around it. My lover just didn\u2019t like the way I moved when I got to a certain level of arousal. Finally we negotiated that we would take turns being the one in charge, being the one to give or the one to take. This works really well, because I know there is no possibility of her being overwhelmed by my sexual energy when she is in charge because she directs the action. She can tell me to lie still if she wants._\n\nOne woman told me that she solves this dilemma by tying her lover up. Then there is no question who is in charge, and her partner never has to worry about restraining his desire because it is restrained for him. What a simple way to deal with a problem that might otherwise destroy a relationship.\n\n#  **It Hurts So Good**\n\nThere are many ways to have sex, many levels of passion, and many ways we can act out that passion. Having a skilled person make love to you slowly and gently, with the physical energy never building to a high crescendo, might be all you want. There are probably times when any of us might want only that, and there are other times when we want something quite different.\n\n_I\u2019ve had nasty bad-ass sex with people I know very well and am very close to, and I\u2019ve had very loving sex with people I hardly knew. Sometimes you just gotta do bad-ass sex._\n\nThese labels\u2014 _bad-ass sex_ and _lovemaking_ \u2014are descriptive, and also misleading, since bad-ass sex can be about love just as much as lovemaking is. I\u2019m going to label them _hard sex_ and _soft sex_ **.** Soft sex is what most women are expected to want. Many men are trying to be more sensitive, softer, and more gentle sexually. They are sweet and loving, they are very respectful, and they are trying to give women what they think we want. Soft sex, especially if it\u2019s done as a consciously tantric type of practice, may involve a very intense psychic experience, but it rarely involves  a lot of physical exercise. It\u2019s often about transforming the physical sensations into a more emotional or spiritual realm.\n\n_I work at prolonging the stage just before orgasm, and I often have to stop moving to stop myself coming. I try to equalize the energy throughout my body. Sometimes I feel like I\u2019m coming through my skin. Depending on how intense and trusting we feel with each other, we become like light, and we move in and out of that place. Our spirits do an in/out merging thing, so we feel like one body with four arms and legs._\n\nHard sex is more about giving free reign to the physical manifestations of passion, and to the less acceptable feelings that come up for some of us during sexual play. It may be hard and fast and energetic; it may be slow, intense, and filled with suspense; and it may even be perceived as violent.\n\n_I like the interplay between reverence and nasty, sexually confrontational behavior. I crave that exchange and tension._\n\nThis sort of exchange might include teasing, bondage, role playing, voyeurism and exhibitionism, dominance and submission, spanking, or other forms of physical contact that would generally be experienced as painful or unpleasant in other circumstances; or it might include fantasies about such activities. And it might not include any of the above, but it will certainly include a level of physical passion that creates and is created by intense energy. In this state of arousal, the physical experience changes, and what would normally be uncomfortable can become profoundly erotic.\n\nUnder no circumstances whatsoever do I recommend any kind of sex during which either partner is not being fully respected. However, some women (and some men) need to have sex that is not always soft. Donna sums this up:\n\n _My partner is very in tune with me physically and psychically. And his approach to sex is a form of communication; from the beginning we\u2019ve related physically. He\u2019s extremely intuitive. He also asks questions and then understands what I want immediately. But there\u2019s something more than that\u2014he\u2019s not afraid of hurting me, he knows he\u2019s not hurting me, so he\u2019s much more\u2026I don\u2019t know the word. Maybe it\u2019s that there is more freedom and abandon with him. With other partners there have always been more constraints._\n\nThese constraints are about sublimating the physical. As in so many areas of our lives, the prevailing mode of relating to someone of the opposite sex is clearly reflected in the sex act itself: the man is assumed to be the dominant one, the one who takes charge, who \u201cruns the act,\u201d and in the process of asserting his desire and his needs, he must be careful not to hurt the woman he is with. It is rarely assumed that the man is in any danger of being hurt by his female partner. It is assumed that he is bigger, rougher, and stronger, and so is his desire. In reality, when a woman allows her body\u2019s passion and desire to take over, it becomes less likely for her to get physically hurt. You have two bodies dancing together: where one moves forward, the other gives way.\n\nMichael, who is clearly used to being with passionate women, expresses this very well:\n\n _When I\u2019m inside her, most often I just try to let my body accommodate her, the grinding and thrusting against me, picking up her rhythm or her shifting position to provide the kind of contact she needs. I make myself an instrument of her pleasure, and I really enjoy being used that way. When I\u2019m going down on her the force of her thrusting against my face can occasionally be quite uncomfortable, but I\u2019m so caught up in her experience that I really don\u2019t mind. It\u2019s very exciting and I love the ride._\n\nIt is unfortunate\u2014not just that men are usually running the act and that women tend to be alarmed by intense physical passion, but that so many people think that this is the way it should be. There are too many \u201cshoulds\u201d surrounding our sexual desires. Some women desire sex just as much as the most macho man, and some men desire sex as little (which may be not at all) as the most asexual woman. Women can orgasm just as quickly as men, given the right stimulation. Under the right circumstances, a woman\u2019s sexual appetite can be just as large or larger than a man\u2019s. Sexual stereotyping limits us all.\n\n#  **Fears Versus Passion**\n\nWhen a couple come together unafraid of one another, and they refuse to be limited by false stereotyping or the fear of experiencing pain, then opportunities for unlimited passion will open up for them. We are all, men and women, responsible for creating these opportunities by letting go of restrictive, outmoded assumptions. Whether you are a man whose ego is tied up in a certain kind of sexual performance, or a woman who is afraid of taking the initiative, you must open up to new ways of being, and be willing to take risks if you hope to experience your full potential for ecstasy.\n\n_Now is the time for women to reclaim the power, intensity, and varieties of our orgasms\u2014that knowledge has been lost and repressed\u2014but to do so we must be willing to be animalistic, experimental, uninhibited, and uncontrollable._\n\n**\u2014DR. ANNIE SPRINKLE**\n\n  \n\n\nWe may be afraid of what we might become if we don\u2019t stay in control. Ironically, these fears are more intense _because_ we deny them. If and when we let them out, they generally become quite manageable. The fantasies of being raped or of hurting someone that haunt so many women turn out to be just that\u2014fantasies of being powerless or powerful. They reflect absolutely nothing about the reality of our everyday lives. Rather, they reflect an internal need to experiment with some aspect of ourselves that wants expression. Think of it as your \u201cshadow\u201d side. It is unavoidably a part of who you are but not a part that is appropriate for public consumption. And that\u2019s fine, because there is no reason why you shouldn\u2019t be able to find a safe place to act it out in private with a trusted partner. And there is every possibility you can have a lot of fun with it.\n\n_When I was twenty-two, I was making out with my lover on her couch when she jumped up and said, \u201cStay right there, I\u2019ll be back in a minute!\u201d She came back with a rope and said, \u201cLook! Put your hands up here.\u201d Then she tied my hands and feet and made love to me. I came and came and came\u2026_\n\nTalk to your partner about your fantasies, or the feelings that sometimes  surge up when you let yourself express your desire. Discuss the possibility of acting them out. You could even plan a scenario and assign yourselves roles to play. See what happens. You may very well find that verbalizing the fantasy or the feeling is all you really needed. You may also discover that you enjoy playing out your fantasies. I think of this kind of play as an erotic party game or an adult form of cops and robbers. I clearly remember getting the same kind of excited high out of cops and robbers when I was a child as I do now, as an adult, from sexual games.\n\nThis is one fantasy that a friend of mine has had since she was a little girl. It\u2019s not one that should be acted out! But you could base some interesting games on it.\n\n_I imagined that I had a guy tied up, and I was stimulating him sexually. He was getting really excited, but we both knew that at the moment when he came I would kill him. He always got to the point where he couldn\u2019t control himself any more\u2026_\n\nWith hard sex, as with soft sex, the key is _consensuality,_ which means that each partner commits to full participation. True consensuality only exists when both partners understand what they are committing to, and that understanding can only be reached through clear discussion. A sexual exchange may look sweet and loving, but if it is not fully consensual, it is not loving. On the other hand, a sexual act may look violent and dangerous, but if it is fully consensual, then it is a loving exchange. All is not that it appears to be on the surface.\n\nWhile I certainly do not need hard sex all the time, it is an essential part of my repertoire. I see it as a valuable forum for many women and men, one where we can safely express a level of passion that may have no other harmless outlets.\n\n#  _**Notes**_\n\n1 Nancy Friday, _My Secret Garden: Women\u2019s Sexual Fantasies_ (Pocket Books, 2008). Originally published in 1973. She also published a second collection of women\u2019s sexual fantasies called _Forbidden Flowers_ (latest edition Pocket Books, 2003).\n\n2 Carolyn Gage, \u201cPressure to Heal,\u201d _Lesbian Ethics_ , 1992."}
-{"input": " Write an informative chapter about penetration and the G-spot, focusing on the importance of lubrication, the role of the PC muscle in sexual satisfaction, and the various ways to enjoy penetration. Discuss the misconceptions surrounding virginity and the idea that penetration is essential for sexual satisfaction. Include personal anecdotes and experiences to illustrate the points made in the chapter. Additionally, provide tips on how to locate and stimulate the G-spot, and discuss the use of sex toys for penetration.", "response": "\n\n**CHAPTER** **9**\n\n**PENETRATION AND THE G-SPOT**\n\n_My lover once penetrated me so deeply with her hand that I felt as though something I didn\u2019t know existed had exploded (pleasantly!)._\n\n#  **Lubrication**\n\nAny chapter on penetration must start with praise for the wonders of artificial lubrication. Indeed, even if you never engage in any kind of penetration, the soft, silky, sliding feeling of good lubrication is a sensuous delight.\n\nIn my experience, few women produce enough natural lubrication to enjoy penetration or manual clitoral stimulation for very long without some discomfort. Good lubrication will enhance your enjoyment, enable you to carry on much longer, and considerably reduce the risk of getting vaginal or urinary tract infections.\n\nOlder women tend to have less natural lubrication, but the quantity of  natural lubrication we produce varies, like all other aspects of our sexuality: some women get very creamy very quickly, while others produce little wetness however aroused they become. Even for those of you who get very wet, I would recommend having a bottle of lube on hand for all sexual play. There may be times when you want to prolong a session of lovemaking beyond the point where you have started to get a little sore. On these occasions, the use of a lubricant can make the difference between a yeast infection, a bladder infection, and no infection at all. Some parts of our bodies, such as the anus, don\u2019t naturally produce lubrication. You _must_ use artificial lubrication if you are doing anal penetration.\n\n_Sex definitely felt very uncomfortable until I discovered lube\u2014that made a big difference._\n\nThe most common kinds of artificial lubrication, made specifically for use during sex, are water-based, which means two things: they will wash out of the vagina easily, and they will not degrade condoms. Oil-based products\u2014vegetable, mineral, or petroleum, which include Crisco\u00ae, baby oil, Vaseline\u00ae, and most massage oils\u2014will degrade latex condoms or gloves very quickly.\n\n_One of the stupidest things I ever did was have sex with this guy when all we had to use for lube was olive oil. Believe me, olive oil destroys condoms._\n\nSilicone-based lubes don\u2019t degrade latex (although they do damage silicone dildos). I have heard of women having allergic reactions to these lubricants. You need to find out what works for you; there are enough choices that you don\u2019t need to use anything you find irritating.\n\nIf you are not using latex condoms or gloves, you can use massage oil for lubrication, but I recommend not using anything that is mineral-based on any sensitive, or potentially tender, parts of your anatomy. Oils don\u2019t wash out of the vagina as readily as water-based lubes, and they tend to encourage the growth of bacteria.\n\nSome lubes have a high level of glycerine in them and this makes them sweet, which may promote the growth of yeast cells. Some lubes are foamy, some are smooth, some dry out more quickly than others, some  are runnier, some are thicker. Some reconstitute when you add water, which means you can use them sparingly because you can add a few drops of water instead of lube when they start to dry out\u2014but beware of lube spills that dry out and appear harmless until you try to wash them away, and they turn into a slippery morass!\n\nK-Y\u00ae Jelly, which is probably what your gynecologist uses when she examines you, comes in a tube rather than a bottle. It is perfectly adequate, but doesn\u2019t feel quite as silky as some other brands, and K-Y\u00ae tastes worse than most, although none of them actually taste very good. Some lubes contain nonoxynol-9, a chemical that kills the AIDS virus. But nonoxynol-9 is an irritant, and many women are allergic to it. I don\u2019t recommend it.\n\nYou don\u2019t need to go into a sex store to buy lube\u2014there are a variety of products available at pharmacies, and increasingly, supermarkets. If you\u2019d like a wider selection, check what\u2019s available online; see the Resources section for suggestions. Some sex toy stores even offer lubricant sample packs, so you can try several kinds of lube without investing in large bottles of each.\n\n#  **The PC Muscle**\n\nIf you are going to enjoy penetration, and have good orgasms, it is a good idea to have well-toned muscles in the pelvic area, and, in particular, a healthy pubococcygeal (PC) muscle. This is the sling of muscle that supports the sexual organs, and I believe it should be considered as integral to a woman\u2019s sexual makeup as the clitoris or the G-spot. Just as different parts of the body work together to make us functional human beings, the different parts involved in sexual response work together to enable us to experience full sexual enjoyment. Chronic tension or weakness of the PC muscle can radically affect our sexual responses. Not surprisingly, women who are afraid of or uncomfortable about sex may have a chronically tense or weak PC muscle. According to _The G-Spot_ 1, a woman with a strong PC muscle is more likely to have orgasms, strong orgasms, multiple orgasms, and different kinds of orgasms. She may also produce more natural lubrication.\n\nHaving sex and orgasming are a workout for this muscle, but there are also specific exercises that you can do, called Kegels, which were originally developed by Dr. Arnold Kegel to help his patients with urinary problems.  You can buy something called a Kegelcisor\u2122, which looks like a tiny dumbbell, that you insert into the vagina, and then practice holding it in there and making it move. You can also practice tightening and relaxing that muscle at other times. Try to isolate it from the muscles in your buttocks and your belly, because you may be failing to exercise the PC muscle if you don\u2019t. To check your progress, you can isolate the PC muscle by stopping the flow of urine in the middle of urination. However, you should not make this a regular practice or training method, because the continual interruption of urine flow can increase the risk of urinary tract infection.\n\nOnce you\u2019ve sorted out what the muscle feels like, you can do sets of exercises. A typical set would include: clenching slowly and then relaxing ten times; clenching as fast as you can ten times (flutters); and pushing outwardly ten times. Work up to doing thirty repetitions within each set, five times a day.\n\nSome women find the sexual awareness that results from doing Kegels uncomfortable; you may not welcome an overt sensation of desire, when you are just trying to get on with your life. There you sit, working at your desk, when one of your coworkers comes over to discuss something with you. You feel a flush of turn-on and your PC muscle contracts, grabbing your attention. It might be easier to be able to ignore your body. Once again, you have to decide your own priorities; how much time and energy are you willing to spend on sex? What if your sexual desire arises at a time when it\u2019s not \u201cappropriate\u201d?\n\nWomen who are uncomfortable with their sexual responses are going to cut off their awareness of the PC muscle, without even knowing what they are doing, because it is an effective way to cut off their awareness of their sexual responses. What if they find themselves responding to another woman, and they have ambivalent or negative feelings about homosexuality and bisexuality? What if they want to be faithful to their husbands? What if they respond to images of bondage, and they believe this response is deviant? Deciding _not_ to make a negative judgment about what turns you on is a necessary prerequisite for toning your PC muscle. As long as you are cutting yourself off from any muscular responses that your brain deems unacceptable, you are cutting your mind off from your body, and limiting the possibility of being a whole, healthy human being.\n\nThe advantages to a healthy PC muscle are not just sexual. A woman with a well-toned PC muscle is less likely to have bladder problems, she  will probably have an easier time with childbirth, and she is far less likely to suffer from a prolapsed uterus. She may even find that her periods become more regular. Women who suffer from cystitis or vaginal infections may find Kegel exercises surprisingly beneficial. Severe cramps (menstrual or otherwise) and lower-back pain can sometimes be traced to an overly tense PC muscle.\n\nI know of a few women who can come just by flexing their PC muscle. A number of women report that they are able to orgasm from vaginal penetration alone after doing Kegel exercises for several months. (As I discussed earlier, having an orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, without any direct stimulation of the clitoris, is something many women think they ought to be able to do, but rarely can.)\n\nHaving very strong muscles isn\u2019t necessarily preferable for your partner, as this quote from a man illustrates:\n\n _I had one partner who had the most incredibly strong vaginal muscles. When I was inside her, she could induce pain without externally visible signs, not even a facial twitch or grimace. I have a very strong grip, and I cannot squeeze my penis hard enough to cause pain. She could\u2014with her vagina. I had to ask her to be careful, which was difficult for her when she was in the middle of an orgasm._\n\nHowever, a woman with a well-toned PC muscle, able both to relax it fully and to tighten it, is a woman who is sexually aware and responsive, no matter how she reaches orgasm.\n\n_I\u2019ve learned to come through muscle control, with no direct physical stimulation at all. This basically involves doing Kegels, although I\u2019ve found that mentally focusing on the area just inside my vagina and at the front helps a lot._\n\nNote that it is as important to be able to relax the PC muscle as it is to be able to tense it. You may have a very strong PC muscle, but if you are unable to relax it, then you will have problems, just as you would with any chronically tight muscle in your body.\n\n#  **Penetration Is Not Essential**\n\nMuscles sometimes become chronically tense for emotional or psychological reasons, and this is commonly the case with the PC muscle, perhaps because we have so much emotional and psychological baggage associated with sex. If a woman is afraid of penetration or intercourse (and there are many reasons why she might be), then fear will cause her to tense her PC muscle. Suddenly her vagina is smaller and tighter than it normally is, and intercourse will inevitably be painful. The medical term for this is vaginismus, and it is not uncommon. If this is a problem for you, then I urge you to seriously consider whether you want penetration at all. I know lesbians who have very satisfying sex that rarely or never involves penetration. There is no reason why the same shouldn\u2019t be true for other women.\n\n_As a teenager I had intercourse with lots of guys, and it seemed like a real waste of time. The best sex I had in those days was when I refused to have intercourse with this one guy, and he got me off with his fingers on my clitoris. That was great._\n\n  \n\n\n_The best orgasm I ever had involved no penetration at all; it just came from this utterly animal desire. I was on top of her, we both had all our clothes on, and we were just rubbing our bodies on each other. Neither of us were doing anything to the other; no one was directing anything. The orgasm just exploded out of me. She came at the same moment._\n\nLinda Valins, who suffers from vaginismus herself, wrote an interesting book on the subject, _When a Woman\u2019s Body Says No to Sex_ _2_ _,_ but it is important to understand that women whose vaginas tighten up when they are about to be penetrated vaginally are not necessarily saying no to sex. I believe they are saying no to penetration in particular. Some of these women are still able to have very enjoyable sex. Penetration is like the color pink, or riding horses, or anything else in life: some people just don\u2019t like it.\n\n_I sometimes like vaginal penetration, but only if I\u2019m very turned on._\n\n  \n\n\n_I have never felt the need for penetration during sex. It\u2019s not that I abhor it, but it does nothing for me. I don\u2019t get turned on by it. I don\u2019t feel anything much, and so it happens only because my partner wants to do it. For orgasms I need my clitoris touched. The vagina can take it or leave it._\n\n#  **But Some of Us Really Love It!**\n\nPlenty of women (myself included) cannot imagine satisfying sex that doesn\u2019t involve penetration. It wasn\u2019t always this way for me, however; I spent at least five years during my twenties having sex with little or no penetration. What happened to make me start wanting it? There was no obvious cause or event; I believe I simply began to relax around sexual issues. As I began to enjoy sex more and more, my PC muscle, with no conscious effort on my part, became very toned. As I worked on myself, I lost the psychological and emotional charge I once had around intercourse, and I became interested in penetration just because it seemed like it could be fun.\n\n#  **Virginity: The Arduous Process of Losing It**\n\nVirginity is such a loaded concept in our society. It is supposed to be a major event when you lose it, and yet I haven\u2019t met many women whose experience was enjoyable. Most of us have the same incredulous reaction to an event that is supposed to be one of the most momentous of our lives: You mean _that\u2019s it?_\n\n_It was the first time for both of us, and we were really inept. It was one of those experiences that is funny in retrospect but deeply mortifying at the time._\n\n  \n\n\n_When I was seventeen, I met this guy who was much older. He wouldn\u2019t have intercourse with me until I was eighteen. On my eighteenth birthday he brought a condom out (I\u2019d been asking to have sex), and we did it. I didn\u2019t feel anything. It didn\u2019t hurt, it was just boring. I lay there thinking, oh my god, this is it?! I was so disappointed._\n\n  \n\n\n_My first experiences with intercourse, as a teenager, didn\u2019t do anything for me. The very first time I was with a guy my legs went numb, I guess from him putting pressure on my thighs while he was on top, and I thought that must be a vaginal orgasm. I wasn\u2019t excited about it._\n\n  \n\n\n_I\u2019d decided it was time for me to lose my virginity, and so I went to bed with a guy. It was fairly clinical: quick, calculated, and a little weird._\n\n  \n\n\n_My boyfriend took me out to the country, we had a bottle of champagne, and then did it on a blanket in a field. The setting was beautiful, but the act was disappointing. I felt scared and uncomfortable._\n\n  \n\n\n_We were supposed to play this silly game where we were leading boys on and yet never allowing them to go the whole way._\n\n  \n\n\n_By the time I was fifteen, I was really bored with this absurd game\u2014it just didn\u2019t make any sense to me\u2014so I got myself a boyfriend and had intercourse with him. He told me I couldn\u2019t be a virgin because I wasn\u2019t scared enough._\n\n  \n\n\n_My partner didn\u2019t believe I was a virgin. He thought I had lots of experience because of my enthusiasm and passion._\n\nBy contrast, Mary did enjoy her first experience with intercourse:\n\n _It felt great\u2014a vibrator can\u2019t match how a big, hard cock feels!_\n\nMaybe what made it feel so good for Mary was that she had been masturbating, with penetration, for a number of years prior to her first time doing intercourse. Or perhaps her lover was simply more skilled.\n\nBut the crux of the matter is that most cultures place a ludicrous amount of importance on an act that is barely an event for most women, particularly as the hymen may well have been broken long before the moment of consensual penetration by a penis, either due to the use of tampons,  or to molestation or masturbation. Fortunately, the social and biological concepts of virginity are finally beginning to change. Younger women may be reaping the benefits of these changes: greater access to information, a more caring attitude on the part of men, and a better likelihood that a woman will feel comfortable and proud in her sexual desire.\n\nThe bottom line with penetration is the same as the bottom line with sex: how important is it to you? If you decide it is important and now is the time when you want it, then you must choose a partner whom you trust to be caring and patient, and you must take steps to remove any sources of tension. If you worry about getting pregnant, then either use adequate birth control (your idea of adequate may not necessarily be the same as someone else\u2019s, and this is a situation where only _your_ idea of adequate matters), or use something other than a penis for penetration; fingers and dildos don\u2019t cause pregnancy.\n\nSome men have very large penises, and they may have trouble finding women who can comfortably accommodate them. Like men with very small penises, they have to find other ways of making love. In a society where sexual play has been so overshadowed by the importance placed on intercourse, such men may be at an advantage. They have an incentive to learn how to satisfy a woman in other ways. (I heard of a man with a very large penis who would bring himself to orgasm by penetrating his lover\u2019s cleavage. This might work well for women with large and sensitive breasts. And then he gets to use his mouth and hands between her legs.)\n\n_I once had a partner who had a very small penis, and he was the best lover I ever had. He\u2019d had to learn to compensate._\n\n#  **Enjoying Penetration**\n\nIf you are concerned about pain with intercourse then you may want to experiment on your own, putting your fingers, or something else, inside your vagina, so you are prepared for what it feels like. But, remember, you should be in control. If at any time you experience something you don\u2019t enjoy, you must be able to stop at once. Many men, especially inexperienced ones, attempt penetration too quickly, and if you aren\u2019t ready, then it won\u2019t feel good. It may take a woman a long time (hours, weeks, years) of experimentation before she is ready for intercourse. Are you unable to  imagine asking your partner to stop in the middle of a sexual encounter? I have said it before and I will continue to repeat it: you must get into the habit of talking to your partner before, during, and after sex. Verbalize what feels good for you, asking him or her to slow down or speed up or change position to suit your desire. If he or she doesn\u2019t like taking direction from you, this is a serious problem that needs to be resolved before you carry on with the relationship.\n\nRemember that if a woman is a virgin, she is likely to expect penetration to be painful, although, in fact, it isn\u2019t always so. Many women have lost their hymens by the time they embark on intercourse, and even if they haven\u2019t, the breaking of the hymen is an individual sensation. Some women experience a brief, sharp pain while others never notice a thing. The hymen can stretch quite considerably, so it is possible to experience penetration for quite a long time (months or even years) before it finally tears. Once it is fully torn, it should cause no further pain. But it doesn\u2019t always tear completely. Some women may find that a piece of it remains for years. If it is bothersome, it can be removed by a physician. Occasionally, a woman will have a hymen that may give her trouble:\n\n _I had an unusually tough hymen and unsuccessfully attempted intercourse with one lover who, confronted with my inexorable virginity, became impotent. At twenty-one, I found this shattering. Was it my fault? It was particularly hard in light of early molestation. When I did manage my first time, it was with a trusted (and undaunted) friend. It took us several awkward tries. It hurt but it was also a relief._\n\nAs with all sexual acts, trust is vital. It isn\u2019t just a matter of trusting that your lover will respect your needs and take care of you. You also have to trust your own body; you have to know this is something your body wants. You have to believe that your body can open up and relax and have a good time. Bad experiences with penetration, childhood molestation, adult rape, clumsy partners, or even carelessly done vaginal exams may make a woman\u2019s body reluctant to open up to the possibility of sexual pleasure.\n\n_I was in an abusive relationship for a couple of years, and for some time after that I couldn\u2019t have orgasms, even with lovers who were not at all abusive. It was like my feeling of self-trust had been damaged, because I had allowed that abuse to happen to me._\n\nIn the nineteenth century, it was quite normal for women to experience intercourse as painful and unpleasant. A wife did her duty by her husband; if she enjoyed sex, it was an unexpected bonus. Things have changed, and nowadays, a man is \u201csupposed\u201d to take the time to make his wife happy in bed (and many truly want to do so). Unfortunately, those Victorian ideas still lurk in our subconscious, and there are women who expect intercourse to be painful on a regular basis, not just the first time. And if they believe this, then they will hold their bodies tightly to forestall the pain. A tight vagina does not generally welcome penetration, but there are plenty of things a couple can do that don\u2019t involve penetration, which will lead to the woman getting more and more turned on, so that at some point she may feel the desire to have something inside her. Start with nothing bigger than one finger, just at the entrance to the vagina. This is a classic situation where lots of lubrication will make everything feel better. Don\u2019t be afraid of making a mess.\n\n#  **The Astounding Vagina**\n\nVaginas may be short, narrow, tight, long, spacious, wide, soft, big, sensitive, hard, round, muscular, or any combination of these. They can expand and contract very considerably in size. It is amazing how much a vagina may change its texture and shape in a short space of time, depending on the mood of its owner or how it\u2019s being stimulated. I strongly recommend that you investigate this phenomenon on yourself, using your own fingers to feel inside yourself at different stages of turn-on. And I certainly recommend anyone who makes love to women to investigate this in their lovers! Hands are the most versatile and wonderful tools of lovemaking. Some women seem to balloon with fingers inside them, while other women tighten down. Some women get hard and muscular inside, and other women get soft, like whipped cream. Some women fluctuate from one to the other.\n\nThe cervix (the lower part of the uterus) lies at the back of the vagina, sometimes lower or higher or to one side along the back wall. Although some women like cervical stimulation, it must be gently done. Men should  always practice holding back their desire to \u201cram it home\u201d until the woman makes it clear that she is ready. Premature intercourse, resulting in the penis hitting the cervix, can be very painful. When a woman is aroused and her body is ready for intercourse, the back of the vagina becomes round (called \u201ctenting\u201d), the uterus pulls upwards, and the cervix retracts. In this position, the cervix is out of the penis\u2019s way. Women who are raped often suffer damage to the ligaments that hold the cervix. This is because, due to their lack of arousal during the assault, the cervix isn\u2019t pulled out of the way, and it gets battered by the penis. This may result in prolapse of the uterus, which means that the muscles that normally hold the uterus up are unable to do so and the uterus drops down into the vagina.\n\n#  **Taking It Slowly**\n\nHard, fast, deep penetration can be very hot, and there are certainly times when that is what is wanted. But not many women can take a lot of banging on the back wall of their vaginas, and they may prefer slower, more sensual penetration, at least initially. Almost all women want it slower some of the time, and there is a great deal to be said for allowing the sexual sensations to flood all the way through the body. I stress this, not because I think it is _better_ than fast, hard sex, but because it is something that few people practice. Fast, hard sex is exactly that\u2014it carries you fast and hard, so you don\u2019t really have time to let the experience sink fully into your awareness. Since so many of us are uncomfortable with explicitly sexual feelings, we may prefer to keep it that way. It wasn\u2019t until I realized how fulfilling it was to be fully open to the depth of my sexual feelings, and the connection with my partner that inevitably followed, that I was able to do sex slowly, and to revel in the exquisite delight of feeling every sensation throughout my whole body.\n\nDeborah Sundahl describes slow, gentle genital massage that is nurturing as well as erotic:\n\n _There is a way we can learn to drop into ourselves: it requires complete physical, emotional, and mental relaxation. With a slow, gentle touch and deep breathing, we can let go and surrender into the sensations, and reach a state of arousal that is like a meditation. In that stillness, we become alive._\n\n#  **The G-Spot**\n\nThe most sensitive area of the vagina is usually the G-spot. This area lies inside the front wall of the vagina about an inch in, just behind the urethral opening. Some women report no sensation at all in the vagina. Others report different sensations of varying intensity in different areas of the vagina, and this is where fingers are the perfect instrument for searching out those wonderfully sensitive places. Try hooking your fingers under the cervix, circling the cervix, hooking your fingers behind the G-spot, stroking the surface of the G-spot, stroking the vaginal walls in a circle with varying pressure, and moving in and out.\n\nSome women never locate anything that corresponds to a G-spot, so don\u2019t get hung up on finding it. It is much less distinct in some women than in others. You are looking for a particularly erogenous area within your vagina, not some magical spot. It is a mistake to think of the G-spot as an isolated lump, separate from the rest of your vagina or your clitoris. It is one of several areas of erectile tissue that make up the genitals, a sensitive part of the whole female sexual anatomy, which is united by nerve endings that connect directly to the brain as well as other parts of the body.\n\nOf the women who _do_ recognize a G-spot, some say it is bean-sized, whereas others say it is more like the size of the ball of the thumb.\n\n_It\u2019s rough and bumpy. The skin on it is like a strawberry, with pits and bumps._\n\n  \n\n\n_My G-spot feels like gills. It feels a little bit different from the rest of my vagina\u2014it has ridges. It\u2019s bigger than an almond, more like a Brazil nut._\n\n  \n\n\n_My G-spot is about two knuckles long and one knuckle wide, and it feels like a rough sponge covered with little pockets._\n\n  \n\n\n_I\u2019ve never really tried to find it, but it isn\u2019t an immediately apparent feature of my body, and even after some years of sexual activity it appears I haven\u2019t found it._\n\n  \n\n\n_I have no experience of a so-called G-spot and no interest in it either._\n\n#  **Location, Location, Location**\n\nYou should be able to feel your G-spot clearly if you just rub your fingers across that area. Because it is erectile tissue, it will begin to swell. Mine quickly develops hard ridges at the lower end (the end closer to the entrance of my vagina) when I rub it. However, it isn\u2019t clearly defined; I couldn\u2019t say where it ends or begins.\n\nDirect stimulation of the G-spot can be so intense that some women experience it as pain, so please proceed gently! Other women will have trouble differentiating it from any other part of the vagina. But stroking the G-spot may cause an orgasm very quickly, and it causes some women to ejaculate. I discuss female ejaculation in detail in the next chapter.\n\nBecause an erect penis doesn\u2019t bend (much), it doesn\u2019t stimulate the G-spot as well as fingers. (I\u2019m happy to report that all but one of the men who responded to the questionnaire say they regularly used their fingers for penetration.) If you do want a penis or a dildo to stimulate the G-spot, it is a little more effective in certain positions, in particular when the woman is on all fours or bending over, facing away from her partner. Different positions can make a tremendous difference to a woman\u2019s enjoyment, so I recommend that you experiment. The best method I have found for locating the G-spot is to lie on your back, have someone insert two fingers into your vagina and curl them up toward the belly, as though using a beckoning motion. This catches the back of the G-spot. From there the fingers should be pulled forward out of the vagina. That way you know you have had your G-spot stroked by the tips of the fingers.\n\n_That feeling of fingers rubbing along my G-spot is just fantastic, and after I first experienced it (which was, of course, with women), that really added a powerful dimension to orgasm that hadn\u2019t been there before. A penis just doesn\u2019t do it._\n\n  \n\n\n_The first time I really became aware of my G-spot was when I started having sex with women. I mean, I must have been having my G-spot stimulated with men, but I never knew it. Becoming aware of G-spot stimulation and doing anal stimulation are what made me have vaginal orgasms._\n\n  \n\n\n_How does it feel when someone touches my G-spot? I think I\u2019m gonna die. It\u2019s hot but it isn\u2019t a temperature\u2014it\u2019s a pressure; it\u2019s not nice and sweet; it\u2019s not like kissing. It sorta has fangs. It\u2019s really visceral and intense._\n\n  \n\n\n_There is a kind of unlocalized general, pleasant sensation, but it\u2019s hard to pin down \u201cthere\u2019s the spot.\u201d_\n\n#  **Toys**\n\nThere are many things with which to penetrate a vagina, but please use common sense. Some vegetables work well. Do not use a plastic bottle without a lid, because there is a possibility that you may create suction and then you\u2019ll be unable to get the bottle out. Do not use anything with sharp edges, or anything made of glass, which might break.3 Do not use anything round like a ball that might be difficult to retrieve. If you want to experiment, go to a good sex store, or check sex stores online, and buy something specifically made for the purpose. There is an enormous variety of dildos: short, small, fat, wide, thin, long, S-shaped, to mention a few. They come in many different sizes and shapes and colors. Some are curved at the end to get at the G-spot more easily. Some are designed to look like a real penis and scrotum, but they can be made to represent all kinds of things, from dolphins to corn on the cob, from a fist to a woman\u2019s body.\n\nDildos are generally made from rubber, silicone, or plastic-related substances, but they can also be made from metal or wood. I have a friend who made several from driftwood. Obviously, plastic and silicone are the safest because they are perfectly smooth and easily cleaned, though beware of \u201cjelly rubber\u201d toys which contain a chemical known as phthalates that can irritate some women\u2019s vaginas. (If a toy smells \u201cplasticky,\u201d that\u2019s a sign it contains phthalates, so it\u2019s best to use a condom on it.) If you use anything made of wood or any other substance, please make sure it won\u2019t leave splinters or cause scraping or tearing! It must feel completely smooth to your hand, or better still, your tongue. To ensure cleanliness, which is vital if you plan to use more than one orifice, or have more than one partner, it is best to use a condom on _anything_ used for penetration. Believe me, it is far easier to remove and replace a condom than it is to go into the bathroom and wash the object in question.\n\n_I find putting on a condom very erotic. I love watching fingers unrolling it._\n\nA dildo can be wielded by hand, or, if it has a suitable flange, it can be \u201cstrapped on,\u201d using an apparatus to attach it somewhere on the body. Usually this is for attaching it in the groin area, but harnesses are now made so that the dildo can be attached to your leg, or your belly, or even your forehead. While this may seem bizarre, it gives rise to some interesting possibilities.\n\nA harness that straps a dildo onto your groin usually consists of a couple of straps that go around each buttock, a strap round the waist, and a piece at the front where you slide the dildo through. It is held in place by a metal or rubber ring (you\u2019ll need to have a ring of the right size for the diameter of your dildo). Note that you cannot strap on a dildo unless it has a flange to prevent it sliding all the way through the ring.\n\n#  **To Use a Dildo\u2026or Not Use a Dildo**\n\nLet me philosophize before I go any further. The average reader is probably convulsing with laughter, secretly or openly, at the idea of strapping on a dildo. The quintessential old-fashioned lesbian (in the event that she reads this book), knowing that hands and mouths are by far the most versatile instruments for giving a woman pleasure, is shaking her head in hopeless amazement, and saying, \u201cWhy would anyone want to try to copy such a useless piece of equipment as a _penis?\u201d_ And the quintessential heterosexual (who ought to be reading this book) is saying, \u201cMy god, what is she talking about, surely only lesbians need to use _dildos?\u201d_ Neither of them can imagine keeping a straight face long enough to actually get the thing on, much less use it.\n\n_I can\u2019t imagine anything more ridiculous than a woman wearing a dildo._\n\nI used to be one of the lesbians who couldn\u2019t understand why anyone would want to try to copy a penis. What changed my mind? I finally allowed myself to admit that penises fascinate me\u2014not just the physical penis itself (which fascinates me in the same way a vagina does: it\u2019s an extraordinary  body part, with a \u201cmind\u201d of its own), but the power that is associated with having a penis. I started playing with dildos as hand-held objects because I had a lover who liked the sensation of something long and hard inside her, and she asked me to use one. There did seem to be times when a dildo could do things a hand could not. The same lover finally persuaded me to strap on. I struggled with my feelings around the absurdity of it all; I finally accepted that she really wanted it and I really wanted to please her, so I obliged. Still, it was another three years before I could see someone with a dildo strapped on without having to suppress the desire to laugh. They do look ridiculous (but then I used to think that about real penises back in the days when I played around with them).\n\nNow that I take dildos seriously, I have lots of fun with them. There is still, and always will be, a huge place in my life and my cunt for hands. However, strapping on has added a new dimension to my love life. One of the great advantages of strapping on a dildo is that it leaves your hands free to do other things. But much more than that physical factor is the psychological factor; there is just something quite different and very enjoyable about having an appendage attached to my groin. It is extremely suggestive. It need not be a blatant visual, although the visuals with a dildo can be wonderful. It can be a bulge tucked inside a pair of jeans, or even under a skirt if you want to get really kinky, or a hard phallus pressing against your belly. You can even buy dildos that ejaculate. The gender-bending aspect of a woman with a penis is intriguing, and the particular pelvic motions that come naturally when you are wearing a dildo are also interesting. All in all, it is an experience worth trying if you can keep a straight (pun intended) face.\n\n#  **Ode to the Dildo**\n\nAlthough hands are certainly more dexterous than penises, if what you want is to be penetrated with something long, then hands might not do it for you. Dildos are quite versatile; for instance, they can be heated. Place a dildo in a pan of just-boiled water before using it. Nothing relaxes and delights the muscles of the vagina as fast as a hot dildo. It is an experience every woman should have at least once in her lifetime.\n\nDildos are always there, and always hard, when you want them. They never get tired, they never get soft, they never get diseases (although they  can carry them, and you must make sure you wash them thoroughly, or use condoms, or both). They are never in the way; when you tire of them you can happily fling them into a drawer. Buy several of different shapes and sizes, and have a selection lined up for the evening. You can purchase blow-up dildos attached to a hand-held bulb to enlarge them once they\u2019re in place. You never need to worry about your lover\u2019s penis being too small or too big or too soft or too unreliable again. And by the way, you can get dildos that your boyfriend or husband can slide over his own penis, either because he has trouble getting an erection or because you want something bigger. Oh, the wonders of modern technology!\n\nIf I were a man I think I might be alarmed at the idea that such an important part of my body could be so easily replaced with a lump of plastic. Let me reassure you, there are things a dildo cannot do. They haven\u2019t yet invented one that smells or tastes like a man, or one that can reproduce the experience of a penis going from soft to hard.\n\nYou may be wondering how the wearer of the dildo can enjoy it, for surely they have no sensation. How do they know they are in the right place at the right time? Skillful use of a strapped-on dildo requires a bit of practice, probably about as much as skillful use of a penis. You may be surprised at how quickly you become accustomed to the feel of a dildo that is in the right place. And there are all kinds of things you can do to make sure it turns you on, such as positioning it so that the base of it stimulates your clitoris, or wearing a small vibrator or another dildo inside you, so that you get plenty of stimulation as you move. The thrusting motion and the feel of the dildo against the pelvis is enough for many women. I know a number of women who come while they are wearing a strap-on: by jerking off using their own hand or someone else\u2019s; by penetrating someone; or by having someone suck them off. Some women expect to come this way, and it is their favorite form of sex. Whether it is from the physical stimulation or the psychological effects, who knows? And who cares?\n\n_Coming when I\u2019m strapped on is somewhat tenuous. Getting there is completely dependent on her reactions, her movements, sounds, arousal, need, desire. But if I become too focused on her having an orgasm, the potential I feel building in me to have one will fall by the wayside. If I keep that balance, soon the feeling of potential becomes a feeling of certainty, and then automatic thrusting takes over and I usually roar and bellow as I come. This kind of orgasm seems to go on much longer than the ones I have from masturbating or from being made love to._\n\nI should make it clear that just because a woman experiments with strap-on dildos does not mean she wants to be a man. Most women have no desire to have a permanent penis. What they are doing is playing with the fantasy.\n\n#  **Other Orifices**\n\nOf course the vagina is not the only place on the body that can be penetrated pleasurably. There are other body cavities available for sexual pleasure, such as the mouth and the anus. Anal penetration is discussed in the following chapter.\n\nThe mouth is also an erogenous zone. There are lots of things you can have done to your mouth, or can do to your partner\u2019s mouth; simply stroking lips with a wet finger, or a finger with wet lips can be intensely arousing. But you can go a lot further than that: you can use your mouth all over someone\u2019s body and you can use various parts of your body, including temporary parts of your body like dildos, in or on someone\u2019s mouth. Many people find it uncomfortable to have something large in their mouths, but it does not have to be large, and, to be erotic, _it should never be forced down the throat._\n\n  \n\n\nJesse recently came from having her fingers in her lover\u2019s mouth:\n\n _We\u2019d been playing around for a while, and we were both very aroused. She was licking and sucking my fingers. I told her not to move, and I slowly slid my fingers deep into her mouth until I felt the incredible softness at the back of her throat spasm around my fingertips. I held still, totally absorbed in the amazing thing happening between us, and my orgasm just surfaced from deep within me, bursting out in a roar._\n\nThe possible variations of sexual play are endless. We forget them when we focus on what we think we\u2019re meant to be doing, when we get stuck  on a limited concept of what sex is, and when we fear other people\u2019s judgments. I hope this chapter will open your mind to new ways of perceiving sex as a delightfully limitless form of play.\n\n#  _**Notes**_\n\n1 Alice Khan Ladas, Beverly Whipple, and John D. Perry, _The G Spot: And Other Discoveries about Human Sexuality_ (Holt, 2005). Originally published in 1982.\n\n2 Linda Valins, _When a Woman\u2019s Body Says No to Sex: Understanding and Overcoming Vaginismus_ (Penguin, 1992).\n\n3 There are some dildos that are made out of glass; they\u2019re made of special kinds of glass and produced in such a way to make them safe for sexual use. They\u2019re solid through and through and thus not easily breakable.\n"}
-{"input": "Could not generate response.", "response": "\n\n**CHAPTER** **10**\n\n**EJACULATION, FISTING, AND ANAL SEX**\n\n_I don\u2019t know what causes me to ejaculate. It\u2019s happened very rarely\u2014only as part of a long, intense bout of lovemaking (usually in the first few months of a relationship). I find it slightly embarrassing, though as I get very wet anyway I\u2019m not sure it\u2019s that noticeable to anyone else._\n\nWhat follows are discussions of some of the lesser known possibilities in sexual play\u2014not because I think everyone ought to be doing them, but because information on them is so limited. And these activities can be enormously pleasurable.\n\n#  **The G-Spot and Ejaculation**\n\nThe existence of the urethral sponge, or G-spot, and the female ejaculation that is associated with it, are still barely acknowledged and only reluctantly accepted by many people, including many physicians. Why not?  Surely a phenomenon as obvious as ejaculation would be noticed? Not by a society that has ignored and denigrated women and their sexuality for centuries. Female ejaculation was mentioned by Aristotle, so it was known in ancient times, and it is commonly acknowledged in some present-day cultures. The South Pacific Trobriand Islanders described female ejaculation to Western anthropologists who, because of their ignorance, assumed that they were speaking of urination1. The Batoro people, of Uganda, don\u2019t consider a woman eligible for marriage until she can spray the wall, and the older women of the tribe teach her how to do so2. The implications of this are significant; obviously women can ejaculate with some force. Would we all ejaculate if it were expected of us?\n\nEjaculation may be more common among lesbians.\n\n_During twenty years of straight sex I never once experienced ejaculation with a man; now, with women, I ejaculate nearly 100 percent of the time._\n\nThis could be because she is more orgasmic with women, or that the kind of sex she does with women is more conducive to ejaculation, or both. It is also possible for a woman to be unaware she is ejaculating.\n\n_After we\u2019d been having sex, there was always a big wet spot in the bed, and I always thought it was him. Much later, another man told me that he could feel me squeezing fluid past his penis when we were having intercourse, and I realized that the wet spot was me._\n\nOne woman responded to the questionnaire with: No, she didn\u2019t ejaculate. Then she crossed out her \u201cNo\u201d and wrote:\n\n _Well, this is interesting! I was completely unaware of ejaculating until I filled in your questionnaire. Then I talked with my partner, who informed me, with surprise, that I didn\u2019t realize that I ejaculate profusely when highly orgasmic, usually with oral stimulation. I said, \u201cI thought all that wetness was just spit!\u201d \u201cNo, no, no!\u201d said he._\n\n#  **What Is It and Where Does It Come From?**\n\nWhen we do notice ejaculation, we may think we are urinating, and if our lovers don\u2019t know any better, they may well support us in this assumption. While there are a few women who lose bladder control during sexual activity, female ejaculation is _not_ incontinence. The chemical composition of the fluid that is released is different from urine, although it does contain varying (usually small) quantities of the same substances as urine. It is similar in composition to male ejaculatory fluid, without the semen. It appears to be produced by the paraurethral glands (or Skene\u2019s glands), which lie within the erectile tissue of the urethral sponge. The ducts of these glands empty into the urethral canal. Because the male prostate gland is homologous to the urethral sponge, the G-spot is sometimes referred to as the female prostate.\n\nHowever, because it has not been documented at all until recently, many doctors have no idea that female ejaculation is a perfectly normal sexual response and not an aberration. Women who tend to ejaculate profusely may prevent themselves from doing so, thus censoring their sexuality in order to avoid dealing with negative reactions. Female ejaculation has often been misdiagnosed as urinary stress incontinence. The solution offered for this problem was often surgery. (There is little incentive for a woman to question a doctor\u2019s diagnosis when she is not only embarrassed by the condition, but is also desperate to be normal.) We don\u2019t know how many women have had unnecessary operations, because there is no way of discerning, in retrospect, whether these patients were ejaculating or, in fact, peeing. It is time for female ejaculation to be recognized for what it is: a completely normal sexual response.\n\nFemale ejaculatory fluid is thin and usually clear, although sometimes it has a yellow tinge; it may also be whitish. It does not leave a stain when it dries. One woman, who went to the trouble of collecting hers, says:\n\n _My ejaculate contains a visible suspension that, over time, will precipitate. This precipitate appears to be whitish and somewhat mucosal, consistent with the type of secretion produced by the male prostate gland._\n\nThe ejaculate appears to be expelled from the urethral opening (as is male ejaculate). Women report that it has different odors, varying from sweet  and sexy to a little fishy, but they all say it is odorless when it dries. You may realize you are ejaculating if you find you are not quite so well lubed down there, even though you are still very excited. The ejaculate is watery and has the same effect as water: things don\u2019t slide on it, and it tends to wash away the lubrication. It is quite unlike the thick, clear, or whitish slippery secretion that is produced in fairly small quantities by an excited vagina.\n\nThe fact is, we still know very little about female ejaculation, and about the range of possible sexual responses. The first time I experienced a woman ejaculating, I thought it was the hottest thing that had happened to me in a long time, and I didn\u2019t care whether it was pee or not. She hit me in the chest with a powerful spray of fluid as I knelt between her legs with my fingers inside her. I was astounded. This particular lover would regularly soak the bed with her ejaculations. Sometimes she would flood, and sometimes she would squirt. I usually left the sheets drawn back after we\u2019d made love, so that the bed would dry. The fluid never left a stain or an odor once it was dry. One day we were coming out of the bedroom when a couple of friends of mine were in the hallway. I saw one of them look at the bed and then clutch her lover\u2019s arm in excitement. \u201cLook, Jane, someone else does it! I\u2019m not the only one!\u201d She knew exactly where that wet spot came from. Like many women, she was embarrassed about her tendency to ejaculate, and very happy to find out that she was indeed not the only one.\n\nThis is how one man feels about it:\n\n _I love to help a woman explore her capacity to ejaculate, I love to make it happen, and I love to be covered in it when it does._\n\n#  **Who? When? How Much?**\n\nSome women apparently never ejaculate at all; some have always ejaculated since they first became actively sexual; some ejaculate only with a lot of penetration; some women teach themselves to do it; others try to learn without success; some women squirt fluid; others just flood.\n\nWhat is responsible for the variation? One hypothesis suggests that it may depend on the number of paraurethral glands in the urethral sponge; some women may have thirty or more, while others may have only five or six. One of the men I spoke with claims that there is a correlation between  the size of the G-spot and ejaculation. According to his theory, the larger and more well-defined a woman\u2019s G-spot is (which may well relate to the number of glands and ducts in the urethral sponge), the more likely she is to ejaculate.\n\nThe strength of the PC muscle may also play a part, although I know women with very strong pelvic muscles who don\u2019t ejaculate.\n\n_The more fit and muscular I am, due to weight training and lots of pelvic tilt exercises, the easier and more intense my ejaculatory orgasms are._\n\nThe stimulus that causes ejaculation to occur varies from woman to woman, as do all sexual responses, and it also varies according to her psychological and emotional state. A number of women report that the same kind of stimulation will sometimes fail to make them ejaculate at all, and at other times make them flood the bed. A few women can consciously make it happen, but most can\u2019t. Several women have commented that they associate ejaculation with being relaxed, and I believe this is a key factor. In this sense it\u2019s a different experience from a purely clitoral orgasm, which often seems to require some preliminary tension.\n\n_With a G-spot orgasm I find there is a need to relax that isn\u2019t necessary for a clitoral orgasm. I have to remember to relax, to let the sensation go up inside._\n\nIt is also possible that ejaculation occurs in some women and not in others due to a range of anatomical differences. Anatomical variations in the genital region are not unusual, and it seems reasonable to suppose that there is a gradation of ability to ejaculate, related to small differences in the equipment a person is born with.\n\n_I ejaculate frequently just because I am aroused, without any physical stimulation of my G-spot._\n\nOral sex is a fairly common method of incitement. So are vibrators. Joy taught herself to ejaculate by experimenting at home until she found the right combination of stimuli to do it herself. She uses a strong vibrator  but finds the combination of deep penetration and vibrator is more reliable. Linda uses a heavy-duty vibrator pressed against her vulva, angled slightly upward.\n\nBut in the majority of cases, ejaculation seems to result from intense sexual arousal involving direct G-spot stimulation. Laura can ejaculate without being touched at all, but, according to her lover, she ejaculates more copiously when she is being stimulated by fingers hooked behind her G-spot.\n\nSome women only ejaculate with penetration. Quite a few of the women I spoke with were in their forties and had started to ejaculate recently. Indeed, women such as Terry, Jesse, and myself all associate the experience of ejaculation with fisting, or at least with heavy penetration. However, it may be simply that we are at an age and a place in our lives when we are more open and relaxed, mentally and physically, thus allowing us to experience new sensations.\n\n_The most typical and most gratifying ejaculatory orgasm I know is through strapping on and having \u201cintercourse\u201d with a woman. When a partner is not available, I ejaculate through male-like masturbation, either by simulating intercourse (e.g., humping a pillow) or by jerking off (wearing a strap-on)._\n\n_So you see, for me, and I assume I am not alone, ejaculation is more akin to the type of ejaculatory response experienced by men; there is no direct involvement of the vagina._\n\nIf your partner sits between your legs, he or she can feel your G-spot by inserting two fingers and then curling the fingers up as though making a beckoning motion. For most women, that is the position that will stimulate them to ejaculate, although it may be too intense, producing a strong sensation of the desire to urinate. This need to urinate may be misleading; many women report feeling the need to pee just prior to ejaculation, when, in fact, that intense swelling feeling is the precursor to ejaculation. It may be that women who would otherwise ejaculate stop themselves from doing so, because they think they are going to pee. It is possible to retrain yourself to experience urination anxiety as a pleasurable sexual response. You can do this by sitting on the toilet, emptying your bladder completely, and then stimulating your G-spot until you feel the need to pee again. You will probably find you don\u2019t actually need to. Every time you  think you do, let yourself do so, and then resume touching your G-spot.\n\nThe amount of ejaculate varies considerably from event to event and woman to woman. Some women may consistently ejaculate, but only in small amounts. Other women ejaculate copiously. The amount of fluid that can be produced is phenomenal, and a few women can carry on for an hour or even more.\n\n_Multiple, back-to-back ejaculations do not decrease the volume of ejaculate produced; the fourth or fifth ejaculation can be just as voluminous as the first._\n\n  \n\n\n_One of my current companions is a \u201chair trigger.\u201d A few licks and tickles and a bit of heavy pressure and massage with two or three fingers, and she\u2019s primed for a series of flowing orgasms that flood the bed (impervious ground cloth under the sheets leaves three to five sodden towels and actual pools that we end up rolling around in). It always amazes me the quantity of fluid that she is capable of producing and how quickly she can recover and go again._\n\n#  **The Relationship of Orgasm to Ejaculation**\n\nEjaculation is sometimes simultaneous with orgasm, but definitely not for all women all of the time. Some said it was not related to orgasms. Quite a number of the women I questioned said that it commonly occurred just before orgasm, but for some it occurred afterward. For women who have multiple orgasms, it can be quite difficult to distinguish between what is an orgasm and what is the plateau between. However, this woman is very clearly able to differentiate, and finds that ejaculation is a kind of orgasm in itself:\n\n _I have always ejaculated, although I didn\u2019t have a clitoral orgasm until I was forty-four. Nowadays I ejaculate before or after a clitoral orgasm, not during. I can tell when I am about to ejaculate. It\u2019s a buildup to a climax and then a sudden relief of tension, satisfying in itself but quite different from the deep orgasm I have with clitoral stimulation, which is like a flow of energy exploding from the sex center with waves up the spine and down to the fingers and toes, which then gradually ebbs away deliciously._\n\nThe woman quoted below is clear that ejaculation enhances her orgasms:\n\n _Ejaculatory orgasms are far, far more intense and decidedly more satisfying than any nonejaculatory orgasm I\u2019ve ever had._\n\nOne woman says that she loses all interest in and desire for sex after she has ejaculated, even though she doesn\u2019t experience the ejaculation as an orgasm in itself:\n\n _I ejaculate from vaginal stimulation only, when my vagina is dilated and very wet. The ejaculation makes me too wet to orgasm and everything relaxes; sensation is gone and I hardly notice any further stimulation._\n\n#  **The Power of Ejaculation**\n\nFreed from the embarrassment of thinking they are incontinent, most women find ejaculation very pleasurable. Deborah Sundahl, who has produced a video called _How to Female Ejaculate_ _3_ _,_ connects its physical and emotional release with a deeply cleansing spiritual surrender.\n\nThe first time Linda ejaculated a sizeable quantity of fluid, she felt that the expulsion of the fluid was directly connected to her rage against a man who had abused her:\n\n _I started having orgasm after orgasm and I got to the ninth one, and all of a sudden I shot out an ounce or two of fluid. I had ejaculated before but only a little bit, nothing like this. While I was masturbating I\u2019d been thinking about this man who had sexually and emotionally abused me, and I\u2019d been cursing him and yelling at him. It was like the ejaculation was a huge emotional release. I still had more orgasms inside me, and I still felt angry. I was gnashing my teeth, so I carried on and had three or four more, and then on the fourteenth one I shot out almost exactly the same quantity of fluid as the first time. I was so amazed\u2014here I found I could shoot out all that fluid; I mean, where did it come from?_\n\nMy personal experience is that I never know when I have done it, and other women say the same thing: there were times when they had what they thought was the sensation of ejaculation, but there didn\u2019t appear to be any ejaculate; and there were other times when they were surprised to discover that they had soaked the bed.\n\n_It\u2019s not always simultaneous with an orgasm, and sometimes it feels like a whole other kind of orgasm. Other times I don\u2019t know I\u2019m doing it until I find there\u2019s a big puddle. I squirt, I don\u2019t flood; I once shot a couple of feet at least. Sometimes both me and my lover think I\u2019d be ejaculating but I\u2019m not._\n\nEven women who had been doing it all their lives said that sometimes they only knew they were ejaculating because there were certain kinds of stimulation that always made it happen.\n\nVictoria and Judy, who both ejaculate on a regular basis, commonly push out whatever is inside them\u2014fingers, dildo, penis, fist\u2014by contracting their vaginal muscles very hard when they ejaculate. If they\u2019re not able to do that, then they can\u2019t squirt (though they may flood and seep) because the fluid cannot escape; and perhaps also because they cannot contract the vaginal walls.\n\n#  **Vaginal Fisting**\n\nFisting is an activity that involves one person inserting his or her whole hand into another person\u2019s anus or vagina. It is as intense an experience as it sounds. Before attempting fisting, speak with someone who is experienced or read about how to do it. See the Resources section for suggestions.\n\nVaginal fisting is a common practice among some lesbians. It is presumably less common amongst heterosexuals, because they are less likely to use their hands in sexual play. Men also tend to have larger fists. In theory, anyone can fist anyone else, no matter what their sexual orientation. It is not an activity that is limited to women who have had babies, have large vaginas, and have lovers with small hands, although all these may be advantages. The only essential prerequisite is the desire to do so, coupled with the belief that it is not only possible but enjoyable. Many of us have a psychological block against fisting because we think it will be painful.  In fact, when our bodies are ready for it, there is no pain associated with fisting, only pleasure.\n\nNevertheless, as a concept, fisting is totally out of the question for many of us\u2014and there was certainly a time when it was unimaginable to me. I could not visualize comfortably accommodating more than two or, at most, three fingers in my vagina. There are still times when this is true for me. The first time I conceived the possibility that I might take someone\u2019s whole hand inside me, I dismissed it at once. At that time, my lover had had a baby, but I had not. So, I reasoned, my vagina was not likely to be able to expand enough to take a fist. But\u2026lo and behold, a few months went by, and we got close to it several times, until I got frightened and tightened up. She kept telling me I was huge inside. I knew what _she_ was capable of; her vagina opened up into a huge, moist cave. Was mine doing the same thing? One day when we had been making love for a while, I put my fingers inside my own vagina, and sure enough, there was plenty of room in there. Pretty soon thereafter she slipped her whole hand inside me. There was a moment of cramping and then a blissfully intense sensation. I had never felt so delightfully filled up.\n\nThe vagina is designed to expand to allow a baby\u2019s head and body to pass through it, and most newborns\u2019 heads are bigger than most adult\u2019s fists, and some women\u2019s fists are smaller than some men\u2019s penises. Men should remember that they tend to have big fists, and _nothing should ever be forced into the vagina._\n\nWhat makes vaginal fisting possible is the ability of the vagina to change its shape when it is stimulated in the right kinds of ways. It is normal for a vagina to \u201cballoon,\u201d that is, the muscles of the vaginal walls contract very tightly and pull away from each other, forming a spacious, round, hard-walled cave. In the previous chapter, I mentioned \u201ctenting,\u201d which is apparently the early stages of ballooning. A ballooned vagina is an ideal receptacle for something round like a fist. I personally find that my vagina alternates quite rapidly between this ballooned state and the opposite state, where the walls turn completely soft, like whipped cream, and the whole vagina closes in on itself. The walls are so soft at that point that it\u2019s almost as though the vagina is trying to suck something in. It\u2019s like putting your hand inside a jellyfish that doesn\u2019t sting!\n\nSomeone who is not already perfectly comfortable with deep penetration (five fingers) is not going to be able to take a fist, so don\u2019t even  try. But if you have been enjoying deep penetration and can take all five of your partner\u2019s fingers without discomfort, then slipping past the third set of knuckles is quite possible. However, you do need to be in an emotional space where you can completely relax. You must trust your partner. Make sure she or he fully understands how to do it. Being fisted requires a profound level of surrender. Set aside time for foreplay that really turns you on. Give your partner plenty of verbal feedback about how it feels and what you want. Be prepared for a little cramping the first time you are fisted. _Stop at once if you experience any severe pain._ The same warnings apply to fisting as to all sexual activities: be willing to let go of the idea if it becomes uncomfortable or painful. It does no good for your head to decide today will be the day if your body is not in agreement. Put aside your agenda, and don\u2019t be in a hurry. You can always try again another day.\n\nThere have been times when my head wants my vagina to take a fist, and my body has refused it. Why my body sometimes refuses a fist is a matter for conjecture since my body doesn\u2019t form words except under instruction from my head. But I would say it is because there are some unresolved emotional issues with my lover, usually issues that have nothing to do with sex, and often issues that I think I have already dealt with. But my body responds on a physical level, as bodies tend to do, by not letting her in physically.\n\n#  **The How-tos of Vaginal Fisting**\n\n_You have to be careful with fisting; there is a thin edge between what you want and what your body can take. You get so into it that you want to have a sense of something driving up through your eyeballs. You really have to trust someone to let yourself experience that. With fisting you have to consciously consent to the whole sexual experience, not just to orgasm._\n\nIf you are going to fist someone, make sure your fingernails are short and smooth, and you have no hangnails. Remove rings, bracelets, and wristwatches. The contact between your hand and your partner\u2019s vaginal walls will be much greater than when you\u2019re just using a couple of fingers, so a  latex glove (or other kind) is necessary for safer sex, and may in any case ensure that you don\u2019t abrade your lover. If you have longer nails, put cotton balls in the fingertips of the glove before you put it on. Use lots of lube, approximately three times as much as you think you need. Apply it to the fist, though it\u2019s a good idea to smear some around the vagina as well. Don\u2019t hesitate to stop and apply more any time you think you may need it.\n\nThe entrance to the vagina must be relaxed, since that is normally the tightest part. There are two rings of muscle that control the entrance to the vagina, and the inner ring is the part that tenses up.\n\nTake your time. Make yourselves comfortable. You could have your partner lie on her back with her legs over the end of the bed while you sit on a chair between her legs. If you arrange yourself so that you are sitting a little lower than the fistee, you won\u2019t have to bend your wrist so much, and the angle of penetration is slightly up toward her belly rather than down toward her spine, which she may find more comfortable. The fistee could also be on all fours, facing away from the fister.\n\nSpend as much time as you need\u2014hours, if necessary\u2014just playing around, with three or four or all five fingers up to the second set of knuckles. If you\u2019re smart, you will not be attempting this unless you are accustomed to this kind of play already. At this stage, keep your fingers together and straight, or only slightly bent. Keep your thumb curled in so that it lies in the center of your palm. If the fistee is not happy with five fingers, then don\u2019t press on!\n\nFollow your partner\u2019s direction as to when to push and when not to push. Be sensitive to her body language. Tune in to her responses and watch her facial expressions.\n\nWhen, finally, your third set of knuckles slides in past the tight point, let your hand close into a fist, preferably with your thumb tucked inside. At this juncture your partner might want you to hold still inside since she may experience a little cramping. Usually this will pass within a few seconds; if it doesn\u2019t, gently remove your fist and try again another day. You can try some clitoral stimulation, as this sometimes eases the cramping, but if you are both beginners, it is wiser to withdraw.\n\nInvite feedback, and allow your partner to direct the action. Clitoral stimulation at any point during the process may feel very good. Lightly stroking or fluttering your hand on the belly just above the pubic bone can also be very pleasing, as can stroking her thighs, buttocks, and nipples.\n\n_It\u2019s a completion of experience, having my hand in another woman\u2019s vagina._\n\nRemoving your fist when you\u2019re finished is often easier said than done, especially as your partner may tighten down if she orgasms. And after she comes once or twice or more, your hand may begin to feel as if it\u2019s being sliced off at the wrist. You can either time the removal of your hand with the final contractions of an orgasm, at which point she is usually pushing out, or you can wait until she\u2019s finished and starts to relax, and then ease your hand out as best as you can. It may help to have the fistee take a deep breath; the fister can then gently ease the fist out on the fistee\u2019s exhale.\n\n_I recall one time when I was being fisted and the fist got stuck, and it wasn\u2019t until we started joking about having to spend the rest of our lives that way, and laughing hilariously, that we were able to come unstuck._\n\nWhat do you do with your fist while it\u2019s in there? That depends very much or your partner and the size of your fist. If you have a large fist or she has a small vagina, you may not be able to move much, and she may simply get off on the sensation of being filled up; she may not want you to move at all, and your attempts to move may cause cramping. But if you have a small fist or she has a large vagina, you may be able to move quite a bit. Moving sideways, to and fro, or round and round, even very slightly, can be very exciting. Be careful not to push hard into the vagina since you may hit her cervix. If you have lots of room, try extending your fingers and stroking the walls of her vagina in various places with your knuckles and fingertips. You can also try just expanding and tightening your fist.\n\nIf your partner is on all fours, facing away from you, the sensations of movement inside are quite different. Some people definitely prefer being fisted in this position.\n\n#  **Vaginal Fisting and Orgasms**\n\nBeing fisted is certainly an incredible experience, and the orgasms that result are often very intense. Along with the extraordinary feelings of trust and openness, several women I spoke with experience a sense of  helplessness and immobility, which they enjoy. For others, it is not vulnerability but aggression that comes to the surface.\n\n_When I am being fisted I feel very aggressive, very primal, very \u201canimalistic.\u201d I get incredibly loud and I growl. It is probably the only time I am 100 percent selfish in sex, and I think if anyone tried to step in and stop it, I would snarl and snap like a wolf whose kill is being threatened! Also, my orgasms are different, less of a spike upward to orgasm and more of a long, slow ramp, indescribably intense and pleasurable with a hint of pain._\n\n**\u2014MARY**\n\n  \n\n\n_When I am the fister, it makes me feel incredibly powerful! I feel like I am inside her soul, like there is total spiritual communion with her; to experience her complete surrender to me; to smell, hear, and see her arousal; to feel her opening to my hand, to my will!_\n\n**\u2014MARY**\n\n  \n\n\n_It arouses a feeling so intense in me that I feel as if I\u2019m going to explode from the inside\u2026and the orgasm I have is not the same as a clitoral orgasm, it\u2019s much more intensified\u2026it feels like I can\u2019t take any more, but I don\u2019t want the feeling to stop._\n\n**\u2014DENICE**\n\n  \n\n\n_The experience of fisting is the purest transfer of kundalini, and the most intense intimacy, that I know._\n\n**\u2014CATHERINE A. LISZT**\n\n  \n\n\n_For a while now, I\u2019ve recognized that I finally \u201clearned\u201d how to meditate during my quest to be fisted. That sense of relaxation, of concentration and not-concentration, of openness, of wholeness\u2026I was somewhat floored when I first realized that what I was doing was, essentially, meditating, and that this was why the sensation was so much more intense and fulfilling._\n\n_I really couldn\u2019t figure out why fisting was so different from other types of penetration, why that particular type of openness was something I was so intensely drawn to, until I thought about kundalini. The openness is the same as I get during my meditation /masturbation exercises, but there\u2019s something further\u2026the degree of connection\u2026yes, it is like being touched, inside, not in my body but in my energy stream. It\u2019s touch that goes beyond the physical into a different kind of sensation._\n\n**\u2014RENEE**\n\nThis is by no means a complete introduction to fisting. If fisting is an activity that interests you, I suggest reading _A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting,_ by Deborah Addington.4\n\n#  **Anal Sex**\n\nMany women find the idea of anal sex off-putting, and usually it is because we are concerned about hygiene, or because it seems so invasive, or because we expect it to be painful. Transmission of AIDS and other diseases such as hepatitis can certainly occur through anal sex more quickly than through other forms of sexual play, but latex or nitrile gloves and condoms are effective barriers.\n\nAnal sex should not hurt, and if it does, stop! The anus is a taboo area of the body, and we may simply not wish to deal with the feelings that come up when someone touches us there. On the other hand, it is exactly that taboo quality that attracts others to it.\n\nThe anus is full of nerve endings, which can make for very pleasurable sensations. If you wish to try anal sex, the same rules apply as for vaginal fisting: relax, take it slowly, use plenty of lube, give and be willing to receive feedback. Using plenty of lubrication for anal sex is essential, since the anus does not provide any natural lubrication. To begin with, you may simply want to spend time stroking the outside of the anus, which can be extremely erotic in itself, without any penetration at all.\n\nThe art in anal penetration is learning to relax the anal sphincter, and most people find this does require practice and trust, so don\u2019t expect to be able to perform anal penetration with more than one finger in one day. It may take months to be ready and willing to accept something as large as  a penis (even a fairly small one). There is no hurry. The best preparation is doing it a little at a time, both alone and with a partner.\n\nOral stimulation of the anus is another option. However, ingestion of fecal matter can cause hepatitis and other diseases, so always use a protective barrier before you proceed. Use scissors to cut a glove open on one side so that your tongue will fit in the thumbhole; apply some lube to the skin, to increase sensitivity. You may also use plastic wrap.\n\nDue to the ease of transmitting disease during anal play, I strongly recommend using a glove for anal penetration with a finger or fingers. It is a matter of basic hygiene; if you encounter fecal matter in there (which is fairly common, and certainly isn\u2019t the end of the world), you can simply rip the glove off when you\u2019re done, turning it inside out as you do so. Using a glove can also ensure that you don\u2019t accidentally use an unwashed hand in the vagina. Introducing even minute amounts of fecal matter into the vagina will almost certainly lead to a vaginal, bladder, or kidney infection.\n\nGloves also protect you from any other disease contamination that might occur; the lining of the rectum is very thin, and minute tears can occur quite easily. Be careful that you don\u2019t insert anything remotely sharpedged into the anus, and that includes your fingernails. Make absolutely sure that your nails are short and smooth.\n\nOf course, you can use other objects for anal penetration; butt plugs designed especially for that purpose can be acquired from any sex store. They are usually made of plastic or silicone, in a variety of shapes and sizes. Even if you use a condom on them, they should be thoroughly washed after use, with an antibacterial soap. Obviously you can use a dildo or a penis. Never use anything breakable or sharp, and never use anything that does not have a flange to prevent it going all the way up inside the rectum, where you won\u2019t be able to retrieve it. If you get something stuck up inside, you will have to go to the emergency room to have it removed. And that won\u2019t be fun.\n\nOnce you have inserted something inside the anus, you may want to hold it still, especially if you are a beginner. Sometimes the sensation of moving in and out can make the receiver want to empty his or her bowels. The anal sphincter responds automatically by tightening up, and this can become uncomfortable.\n\nAnal fisting (called handballing in some gay male circles) is not something I have ever done, but I know a few women, and a number of men,  who do it and love it. I reckon anyone who allows themselves to be anally fisted has perfected the art of relaxation.\n\nWhether you are engaging in anal sex or vaginal penetration, you want to try to make sure your bowels are at least fairly empty, in order to ensure comfort for both you and your partner. Intense penetration squashes things around in there, and if you\u2019re trying to prevent yourself from going while you\u2019re trying to come, you will experience some conflict. On the other hand, you might not care what happens. It certainly doesn\u2019t have to matter in a practical sense if you do lose control of your bladder or your bowels. These are, after all, perfectly normal, natural bodily functions, and anything can be cleaned up.\n\nBut most of us would be mortified with embarrassment in the wake of such an \u201caccident\u201d while we are making love. So visit the restroom before you have sex, or during if you need to. If you\u2019re going to have anal sex, wash around your anus first, and if you feel the need, you can always do an enema to clean out your bowels. Or you can do an enema as part of your play.\n\nThe most important thing is not to have sex when you feel uncomfortable about it; your partner can wait. If you have a date and you anticipate some heavy duty kind of penetration, use common sense and don\u2019t eat a big meal just beforehand. If you know you tend to feel a little bloated in the morning, then don\u2019t have sex in the mornings. Take care of your general health: eat well, and make sure there is plenty of fiber in your diet. Do whatever you need to do to feel comfortable, and remember, we all urinate and defecate, so neither you nor your partner will die if you come into contact with a little bit of pee or poop.\n\nAnal sex can be enormously erotic, both because the anal canal is full of sensitive nerve endings, and because it leads to a level of vulnerability that can be very rewarding.\n\n_For me, anal sex is a pathway to ecstasy. It makes sex so much more intense. The orgasms I have when I\u2019m doing anal sex involve more of my body. They crawl up my spine._\n\nDon\u2019t do it unless you are willing to be vulnerable, and you know that your partner will appreciate, respect, and care for you when you are in that state of vulnerability.\n\nSome women actually prefer anal sex to vaginal sex. The G-spot can be stimulated through the thin rectal wall, and the perineal sponge is stimulated directly during anal penetration; both of these have highly erogenous erectile tissue. A very few women are able to come from anal penetration alone, and a few more say they come more easily when they are doing anal sex, as long as they are getting some other kind of stimulation as well. Some women seem to find that stimulation of the anal area relates more directly to clitoral stimulation than vaginal stimulation does, which is not as outlandish as it seems, when you consider that there is a much greater concentration of nerve endings around the anus and the clitoris than in the vagina.\n\n_I wouldn\u2019t say I come more easily during anal sex; it is just different, I am more \u201cout of control\u201d with it._\n\n  \n\n\n_Orgasms from anal sex come from a different place. I feel them deep in my first chakra._\n\n  \n\n\n_I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s the naughtiness taboo, but I find anal sex intensely pleasurable and come a lot quicker. When I was with men I used to prefer anal sex as it left my clitoris more accessible to my fingers. Also it didn\u2019t dull sensation, which is what happened during vaginal penetration with men._\n\nThis section does not pretend to be a complete guide to anal sex. I recommend Tristan Taormino\u2019s book, _The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women_.5 This is an excellent book for men too. Men are perfectly capable of enjoying anal stimulation and penetration, although many of them are also afraid of it, often more so than women are. There are two likely reasons for this: firstly, they are afraid it might mean they are gay. I really cannot go into how ridiculous this is, so I hope it will be enough for me to point out that the presence of a penis is not required for anal penetration. Secondly, I think men are afraid of how vulnerable it will make them if they admit they want anal penetration. And it will make them vulnerable, there is no doubt about that; you cannot bend over and allow someone to penetrate you and still feel that you are in control. How sad that so many men will never experience the glory of fully surrendering in total trust to another person, and so many women will never be the recipient of that trust.\n\n#  _**Notes**_\n\n1 Alice Khan Ladas, Beverly Whipple, and John D. Perry, _The G Spot: And Other Discoveries about Human Sexuality_ (Holt, 2005). Originally published in 1982.\n\n2 Ladas, Whipple, and Perry, _The G-Spot_.\n\n3 DVD: _How to Female Ejaculate: Find Your G-Spot_ , Deborah Sundahl, Fatale Media, 60 minutes. Original video was released in 1992.\n\n4 Deborah Addington, _A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting_ (Greenery Press, 1997).\n\n5 Tristan Taormino, _The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, 2nd Edition_ (Cleis Press, 2006).\n"}
-{"input": " Write an article discussing the various theories about the social, anthropological, and biological purposes of female orgasm. Explain how the combination of orgasm with virtually unrestricted sexual availability has had a significant impact on our species. Also, discuss the idea that sex is not just about procreation but can be an art form that gives us infinite pleasure. Mention that there are many different kinds of orgasms and that they can be triggered in various ways. Discuss how the orgasmic state can act as an analgesic and raise a woman's pain threshold. Finally, talk about the concept of responsible sex and how it is connected to responsible living and self-empowerment.", "response": "\n\n**CHAPTER** **11**\n\n**THE PURPOSE OF ORGASM**\n\n_Orgasms are a great key to health and happiness. They help us to remember who we are, beyond our everyday reality. Orgasms are a path to truth and the meaning of life._\n\n**\u2014DR. ANNIE SPRINKLE**\n\nMany people have proposed numerous theories with regard to the social, anthropological, and biological purposes of female orgasm. These range from the obvious (that female orgasm tones the muscles that we use in childbirth) to the ridiculous. However, the unique combination of orgasm with virtually unrestricted sexual availability (we are not limited to a cycle of estrus or \u201cheat\u201d in order to experience sexual desire) has had, and continues to have, an overwhelming impact on our species.\n\nIn today\u2019s world, sex involves much more than our genitals and is about much more than procreation. To limit sex to making babies is as absurd and unrealistic as deciding not to use a motorized vehicle because God gave us feet to walk with. Sex can be merely functional, but it can also be  an art form that gives us infinite pleasure. Who wants to live in a world that is purely functional? Beauty and joy are very important aspects of life. The variety of ways that we can express ourselves sexually is a gift, an offering from the universe. A woman can have as many different kinds of orgasms as there are ways of having sex. An orgasm can come and go in a second, or last for hours. It can be an electrical feeling on the surface of the skin; it can be a deep, pounding internal sensation; it can occur in the upper body, the lower body, or throughout the whole body; and can be accompanied by an out-of-body experience. It can shake your entire being, or pass through with barely an external sign. There is no one definitive experience that we can call orgasm\u2014there are many. Nor can we limit what arouses us sexually to a physical touch, or to a sensation in a certain part of the body.\n\n**There is no one right way of being sexual.**\n\nAnyone can choose to claim her passion, and translate it into creative play, sexual or otherwise. The exceptions may be people who have been severely traumatized so that they are unable to recover positive feelings around sexual arousal; and people who suffer from severe chronic pain or illness. In general, what prevents us from embracing the full potential of our sexual desire is our fear of not being normal, and it is this, more than anything else, that we must overcome. _There is no such thing as an abnormal desire._\n\nWhat\u2019s more, there is no such thing as a normal desire! The concept of normality does not exist when it comes to what turns us on. There is no one right way of being sexual. On the contrary, there is a huge variety of sexual activities and responses, some of them stranger than your imagination could dream up, from foot fetishism to sadomasochism. A safe environment, one where the key concepts of consensuality and negotiation are honored, can be created to play with the oddest desires. What matters is that you don\u2019t allow yourself to be swayed by the opinions of others, and that you do not harm yourself or others. Go for what you want; don\u2019t censor yourself or anyone else.\n\nInhibitions, instilled into us as we grow up, can prevent us from getting in touch with what turns us on in the first place. But change only needs a  willingness to be open. Changes specific to your sexuality are not so difficult to manifest as you might think. True, you cannot make your body have an orgasm unless it wants to. But when we give our bodies permission to change, all kinds of things become possible. This was illustrated for me during the time it took to write this book. I drew my close friends into my research. They graciously accepted my calls at any time of day or night to answer questions like: Can you feel contractions in your vagina when you come? Do you have to stretch out your feet when you come? How long do your orgasms normally last?\n\nWe found that our sexual horizons have expanded simply as a result of thinking intensely about orgasm, finding a language to express ourselves, and discovering new potential. We all seem to be having longer and more powerful orgasms. Hearing about what\u2019s possible has given us the incentive to open up to other ways of being sexual. Discovering the range of what women define as orgasm has encouraged us to define our own experiences differently. The process of being orgasmic is constantly unfolding and evolving, if we allow it to do so. It is a journey, and the point of the process is the journey, not some mythical end product.\n\n#  **From Pain to Pleasure, and Beyond\u2026**\n\nOne of the remarkable things about the orgasmic state is how it acts as an analgesic; things we normally experience as painful may not be felt at all when we are in the throes of a climax. Gina Ogden, Beverly Whipple, and other renowned sex researchers have done a number of controlled studies that prove the remarkable power of orgasm to raise a woman\u2019s pain threshold.2 Apparently, the greater the sexual pleasure, the stronger the analgesic effect.\n\nIn _Women Who Love Sex_ 1, Gina Ogden describes how, during orgasm, a woman registers no pain response to a stimulus (steady pressure applied to the fingertip by an Analgesia Meter) that she was unable to tolerate only minutes before. Yet her ability to experience a sensual touch (a hair-thin filament brushed across the back of her hand) is increased.\n\nIn _Extended Sexual Orgasm_ 3 _,_ the authors describe a group of arthritics who experience some freedom from pain for half an hour following orgasm. The question is, would they be free from pain for longer periods if they had extended orgasms? The Brauers claim that in some cases all of  the following problems have been alleviated, if not cured by the regular practice of ESO: headaches; neck, back, and pelvic pain; menstrual pain; arthritic pain; stomach and intestinal complaints; prostatitis; high blood pressure; asthma and bronchitis; skin eruptions; depression; fatigue; anxiety; alcoholism; insomnia; and anger.\n\nIs it too outrageous to imagine that doctors could be prescribing orgasms instead of, or in conjunction with, pain medications? And are we capable of expanding our concept of orgasm, with its attendant benefits?\n\nSensual and sexual intimacy, the experience of sharing one\u2019s body with another, skin-to-skin contact, the arousal and release of orgasm\u2014all of these can suffuse the body with pleasure and with a sense of joy, delight, love, peace, and relaxation that results in freedom from pain and tension\u2014a different human condition. Orgasm is a building and release of tension that enervates and cleanses a person\u2019s energy, clears out blocks, and leaves the body suffused with well-being. Encouraged to allow ourselves to share our bodies, take pride in our physical selves, and integrate our experience of love on mental, emotional, and spiritual levels, through the medium of the physical body, we can live creative and joyful lives.\n\nIt seems obvious that the purpose of sex, and therefore orgasm, is to provide us with an opportunity to experience ecstasy, an opportunity to choose pleasure. On one level, this is about experiencing joy in life, having a good time, allowing and encouraging us to feel good. People who enjoy life live longer, they\u2019re less accident-prone, and they are less likely to succumb to illness. Enjoying life is in itself a worthy goal; pleasure is a good thing. The place of ecstasy we can reach through sex is also a powerful creative energy that can carry us beyond the limits of the physical world.\n\nJudy Grahn writes specifically about lesbian sex, but her concepts are of equal value to heterosexuals. In her book, _Another Mother Tongue_ 4, she describes four sexual \u201cdomains,\u201d that is, four areas of sexual awareness. The first is the physical: having a good, enjoyable, functional experience. The second is the mental: using fantasy, mental control, and the power of the mind. The third is the psychic: experiencing another realm of existence, beyond intellectual images. The fourth she calls the transformational domain, and as she explains:\n\n _The powers released in this dimension can influence not only the participants but also the world around them and its future._\n\nIn my own experience, the energy that gathers and releases when we are sexual is very powerful. It has enormous potential for healing and transformation.\n\nSo having a good time is not the only thing to consider when you are having sex. The energy we bring to sex is inseparable from the energy we bring to life, and the healing power of sex affects our lives on a much deeper level than we may realize. By learning how to use this energy consciously, we can change our lives, or dare I say it, change the world. Obviously such a powerful tool needs to be used responsibly. When I try to define responsible sex, I find I cannot separate it from leading a responsible life.\n\n#  **Responsible Sex, Responsible Living**\n\nActing responsibly means acting with compassion. Being compassionate means being respectful of all beings, including ourselves. It is this last piece that we tend to miss out on. Too few of us grow up with a sense of our own self-worth and our right to self-determination. We don\u2019t live in a society that lovingly encourages us to live up to our full potential. Most of us grow up unaware that there are many different choices to be made, many different paths to follow. Many of us are deeply wounded and don\u2019t even know it until we accidentally stumble upon a path of healing.\n\nYes, we need to be loved. We also need to love ourselves. We need to develop a sense of our own self-worth, worth that has nothing to do with our accomplishments in the world, and everything to do with who we are. A sense of self-worth allows us to tap into our inner power. We can hinder each other from experiencing self-worth by putting each other down. Respect is an integral component of compassion, and compassion is nonjudgmental love. When we experience nonjudgmental love from another being, it enables us to accept ourselves, and this in turn allows us to experience our own inner power. When we experience inner power, we no longer feel a need to exert power over others, to force others to agree with us, to prove that we know the answers and everyone else is wrong. Inner power is nonjudgmental and respects other people\u2019s choices.\n\nLove that disempowers is not true love, and power that does not come from inside, that does not respect other people, is not true power. True power is always loving, and true loving is always empowering. Loving one  another, and especially children, is vital, but if it isn\u2019t coupled with the right to self-determination, it is useless. We must teach our children respect, and we can only do this by offering it to them; that means allowing them to make their own decisions about what is right and wrong for them.\n\nSelf-esteem, self-respect, and self-worth are all the same thing, and when they are present in an individual, that person is automatically selfempowered.\n\n#  **Working with Energy**\n\nResponsible living involves being able to channel our energy so it doesn\u2019t harm other people. A feeling is energy, whether it is physical, sexual, intuitive, or emotional. We can choose what to do with the energy that grows out of feelings. For instance, if we feel angry, we can channel it into chopping wood; we can yell at the kids; we can channel it into an orgasm; we can kick the dog; we can rant.\n\nSometimes the rant is not about whatever is actually making us angry; we can rant on anything we choose. The reason for ranting is the same as the reason for kicking the dog: we are feeling a need to express the energy of the anger. Sometimes we substitute a more acceptable target for our anger, since we are told that we ought to have a good reason for being angry, but this is dishonest. We usually indulge in this dishonesty to protect ourselves, because it is too painful, or it feels futile, to think about the real reasons for our anger, or because we are ashamed of those reasons. I am not saying no one should be angry; there are many good reasons to be angry, and many things to be angry about. But responsible living includes the integrity to acknowledge the real reasons for our anger, instead of fixating on a convenient outlet and blaming others.\n\nSometimes the original energy was not the energy of anger, but expressing it as anger makes us feel safer, less vulnerable than the original feeling. This is why so many women get impatient with men when men start to express their feelings; the first feeling that usually comes up for a man who has been trained to be tough and \u201cmanly\u201d is nearly always anger. Anger often covers over other feelings, and it isn\u2019t always easy to wait for a man to wade through his anger before he gets to what we see as the \u201creal\u201d feelings.\n\nResponsible living involves taking responsibility for what we do with  the energy of our feelings, and if necessary, following that energy back to its source in order to prevent it from harming others. It means choosing not to kick the dog (kicking the dog can take many forms, from racial hatred to sexism to child abuse). It means listening to and honoring yourself. It means acknowledging your feelings and needs. And this requires absolute integrity.\n\nEnergy is what keeps us alive. That\u2019s why we often feel good after we have allowed a strong feeling to flow through us, when we\u2019ve just had a good rant, or chopped a lot of wood, or had a great orgasm. We feel more alive. We feel energized. All energy is basically life-force energy. When this life-force energy is heightened, speeded up, intensified, life becomes brighter. We are always looking for that which brightens and enriches; that search is part of being alive. We find it in sex and in the expression of feelings, but we also find it in politics, in music, in sports, in art, in raising a family, in a casual exchange with a friendly person on the street, in watching a good movie, in planting a garden and watching it grow, in the deeply rewarding intimacy with someone we have known and loved a long time, in a delighted child\u2019s laughter, in a glorious sunset, in ocean waves smashing on rocks. Whenever we are deeply moved by something, whenever we really believe in something, whenever we feel passionate about something, we experience a sense of rightness, which is very exciting.\n\nThe energy of the excitement that we are tapping into in any of these situations is the same energy as sexual excitement. Like sex, we can experience this excitement alone: looking at a beautiful view, climbing a mountain, hang gliding. Or we can experience it with others: when a group of people feel it together the energy is amplified; there is a group euphoria that results in a special kind of bonding. The sense of unity that we experience when we participate in a political rally, sing in a choir, or play team sports is the same unity that we experience when we are in love and having great sex. The problem is that it usually happens so unconsciously that we fixate on whatever happens to bring up the feeling. One person might experience it having sex, and another might experience it at a political rally.\n\n_There is a sexual high from singing in choir, for instance; erotic is not quite the right word but it\u2019s something like that. I used to feel it much more in rehearsals. Having the audience there was a distraction. Singing in rehearsals was breathtaking._\n\n**\u2014JOANI BLANK**\n\nPeople who are not already empowered don\u2019t realize that they can make conscious choices about where and when to feel this energy. If they stumble upon it unexpectedly, get caught up in the hysteria of the moment, and unthinkingly attempt to recreate whatever it was that first gave them that wonderful feeling, what may result are religious zealots, sports fanatics, bigots, and \u201cpatriots.\u201d Find something that looks like it might be a good cause, find someone with a charismatic presence, and you will find people marching in unison, cheering and stomping their feet. They are experiencing their collective energy as very powerful, and it may be the only time in their lives that they feel such a sense of power. It gives them a rush. They feel energized and alive. They have found a way of tapping into the energy of life.\n\nLike a woman who falls in love with someone with whom she experiences a great sexual rush, disempowered people fall in love with whatever it is that creates that rush, and like a woman in love, they want to make it last forever. They lose the ability to discriminate between good sense and manipulative lies. They fail to understand that the ecstasy comes from within themselves. But worst of all, they often get caught up in a kind of mass hysteria that can quickly become violent. Developing the ability to tap into conscious empowerment enables us to make choices, to channel that energy into love and creativity instead of violence and destruction.\n\n#  **Empowerment**\n\n_We\u2019ve got to help people understand that the level of ecstasy and passion they undoubtedly feel when they are standing in crowds being carried by a crazy orator is not so different from the transcendental experience we have in our very best sexual encounter._\n\n**\u2014JOANI BLANK**\n\nAn individual who is aware of her (or his) personal power does not lose herself in an energy rush. She does not lose herself at all. Power is simply another word for energy. She knows she can recreate that sense of quickening energy whenever she wants, because she experiences herself as powerful; she is aware of the flow of power within herself. A person who is aware of her inner power is aware of the life-force energy that comes from inside, and this internal energy works in conjunction with external energy.\n\nThe alignment of the internal with the external occurs when you acknowledge the forces that motivate you and consciously work with them rather than against them. This is what I am calling integrity. When you consciously choose a path of integrity, the opportunities that present themselves are exactly right for you. Your energy will be in synchronicity with the energy of the universe. Feelings, attractions, desires, and needs arise from good sense and inner wisdom, and they lead you wherever you need to be. The direction of your life may not be clear until you have gone a little way down the path, and then you will see that it is exactly right. When you arrive at this place, you will fall in love at the right times with the right people. But if you aren\u2019t there yet, and if you are not on a path of change and growth, then your feelings, attractions, desires, and needs may be toxic to you. If you are at odds with yourself, then you will be at odds with the energy of the universe.\n\nWe can choose to accept the stereotypical ways of being in the world, and live in fear of being abnormal, or we can choose instead to take an active role in challenging those stereotypes within ourselves and outside ourselves. In my opinion, the latter course is the one that offers us the broader future. It is my hope that it is the path you will choose.\n\n#  _**Notes**_\n\n1 Gina Ogden, _Women Who Love Sex: Ordinary Women Describe Their Paths to Pleasure, Intimacy, and Ecstasy_ (Trumpeter, 2007). Originally published in 1994.\n\n2 _Annual Review of Sex Research,_ Volume VI, 1995.\n\n3 Alan and Donna Brauer, _ESO: How You and Your Lover Can Give Each Other Hours of Extended Sexual Orgasm_ (Grand Central Publishing, 2001). Originally published in 1983.\n\n4 Judy Grahn, _Another Mother Tongue: Gay Words, Gay Worlds_ (Beacon Press, 1990).\n"}
-{"input": " Write an appendix on safer sex practices for a book about sexuality. Include information on the risk of diseases such as herpes, chlamydia, hepatitis, and HIV, and how they are transmitted. Discuss the importance of honest and open communication with sexual partners about sexual and health history. Provide a behavior continuum from ultra-safe to safer sex practices. Discuss the importance of regular testing for HIV, especially for those with multiple partners, and the availability of post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) treatments. Also, mention the availability of vaccines for certain diseases. Finally, provide a list of basic safety precautions, including regular checkups, use of condoms and gloves, and proper disposal of used barriers.", "response": "\n\n**APPENDIX A: SAFER SEX**\n\nIn this day and age it would be irresponsible to write a book on sex without including some information on the risk of disease. Some diseases, such as herpes and chlamydia, are spread primarily by sexual contact, and others, such as hepatitis and HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, can be spread by a variety of methods, including sexual contact. One of the most common modes of transmission for AIDS is shared needles among intravenous drug users. There are some high-risk professions, also, including health-care workers who routinely come into contact with blood products.\n\nWhile it is impossible to lead a life in which you will never be exposed to any kind of disease, it is also true that a little care goes a long way. I believe it is unethical to omit some basic precautions. It is a little like crossing the road: if you run out into the middle of a busy freeway (equivalent to having unprotected sex with everyone you meet) and expect to remain uninjured, you\u2019re living in a fool\u2019s paradise. But if you always wait until you can see no moving vehicles in either direction before you step out (equivalent to never having sex at all), then you will spend a lot of your  life standing anxiously on the sidewalk. You may stay alive, as long as some crazy driver doesn\u2019t mount the sidewalk to mow you down.\n\nYou may get tired of hearing this, but the most important factor is honest and open communication with your partner. Discuss your sexual and health history with _all_ potential partners. Make an agreement about what kind of precautions you are going to take, and _stick to them._ There is a behavior continuum from ultra-safe: \u201cIf it\u2019s wet and it\u2019s not yours, then don\u2019t touch it;\u201d to safer (better than no precautions at all): using condoms for vaginal or anal intercourse but not for fellatio, for instance. You may decide to use no barriers with a primary partner, but be very careful to avoid any exchange of body fluids with all other partners.\n\n_You want your partner to be honest with you, so be honest with your partner._ But you shouldn\u2019t base a decision not to do safe sex on what your partner tells you; people who have diseases tend to be stigmatized, and this makes it hard for them to tell the truth. Moreover, illegal drug use and unsanctioned sex (sex outside marriage or sex with a prostitute, for instance) are things that even usually trustworthy people may lie about. In other words, be very circumspect about who and what you believe.\n\nIf you have sex with multiple partners, you and your partners should get tested regularly for HIV. Testing is available that is totally anonymous, absolutely free, and no longer involves having blood taken; there is now an accurate saliva test. However, if you do contract the virus, it may take up to six months to show up in your body. So be aware that even if you have a negative test result, you could be carrying the virus if you have indulged in risky practices within the previous six months.\n\nIf you do have unprotected sex and have reason to believe it may have put you at risk for HIV or hepatitis, post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) treatments are available, but these are not to be taken lightly, since the medications involved can be toxic to your liver.\n\nVaccines are available for hepatitis A, B, and C, as well as for HPV (human papillomavirus, which can cause genital warts and cervical cancer). Protocols for these vaccines are often in flux, so check with your doctor or online for more information.\n\nIf you are in a monogamous relationship, and have been so for at least six months, and you and your partner have recently had negative HIV tests, don\u2019t work in high-risk professions, and don\u2019t share needles, then your only concern is that you are not carrying any other sexually transmitted disease, such as hepatitis, chlamydia, genital warts, syphilis, gonorrhea, or herpes.\n\nIf you are interested in having sex with someone new, know that it is becoming commonplace to ask for a copy of a potential partner\u2019s recent STD test results; just be prepared to show your own as well. It\u2019s also a wise idea to carry a small safer-sex kit with you on a date, stocked with condoms, a small bottle of lube, a couple of gloves, and perhaps a dental dam. Better to be prepared than unprotected.\n\nI recommend the following as basic safety precautions:\n\n **1.** Get regular checkups. Chlamydia can cause sterility in women, yet its symptoms are often minimal or nonexistent. A herpes flare-up will go away of its own accord, but it means you are a herpes carrier, and you need to know that so that you don\u2019t pass it on to others. If you have any kind of sores on your labia, or any sign of a discharge, go to a doctor. Many sexually transmitted diseases can be cured with antibiotics if caught quickly.\n\n  \n\n\n**2.** Use condoms. Don\u2019t just think about them\u2014use them. Use them regularly, as habit. Use them on dildos; use them on penises. Use them for vaginal intercourse, use them for anal intercourse, use them for oral sex. There are many kinds of condoms, and some are much more comfortable and allow more sensitivity than others. Try different kinds. To increase sensation, try applying a little lube before you put the condom on. If your partner objects, discuss alternatives, such as no intercourse of any kind or using female condoms. Female condoms are available at sex stores, pharmacies, and women\u2019s health clinics, but they need a little practice to use properly.\n\nCondoms occasionally break (usually because they are not put on correctly). Learn how to put them on properly. If you want extra safety, try using two together, but put a little lube in between them so they don\u2019t stick to each other, which would make them more likely to break. \n\n  \n\n\n**3.** Use latex gloves (or nitrile if you are allergic to latex). They are inexpensive and easy to use. If your hands are very clean and free of cuts or abrasions, and you\u2019re not using them for heavy penetration, gloves are not absolutely essential. But have a box by your bed for the times when your hands have cuts on them, when you or your partner is menstruating, or when you\u2019re doing anal penetration.\n\n  \n\n\n**4.** If you are performing cunnilingus or anilingus, use dental dams, female condoms, a glove cut open (with your tongue in the thumb hole), or plastic wrap. Again, using a little dollop of lube next to the receiver\u2019s skin can improve sensitivity.\n\n  \n\n\n**5.** With latex, don\u2019t use mineral oils or any lubricants other than those that are water-based, as they will destroy the latex. There are alternatives to latex, such as nitrile gloves and polyurethane condoms.\n\n  \n\n\n**6.** Use condoms on insertable toys. Wash all toys after use with antiseptic soap and hot water, sex toy cleaner, or follow the instructions that come with the toy.\n\n  \n\n\n**7.** Avoid getting semen, vaginal secretions, blood, or feces on any broken skin\u2014that includes the skin in your mouth. If you\u2019re performing oral sex without a barrier, don\u2019t floss or brush your teeth just beforehand. And remember that the herpes sores that appear on lips are directly transferable to genitals. It is best to use a barrier!\n\n  \n\n\n**8.** Always dispose of used barriers safely, and never attempt to reuse them. If you are enjoying both anal and vaginal play, use separate barriers for each area.\n\n  \n\n\n**9.** Eroticize safer sex. It doesn\u2019t have to be more difficult or unpleasant than utilizing any other contraceptive methods. Putting on a condom can be fun. Try doing it with your mouth.\n\nSome people are allergic to latex. Condoms and gloves made from other substances, such as nitrile, are available. It may be the powder on the gloves that causes allergic reactions, or the type of lube on prelubed condoms. You can buy unlubed condoms at well-stocked pharmacies, but be sure to read the package. Unpowdered gloves are also available, although they may be harder to obtain.\n"}
-{"input": " Write an appendix for a book that provides resources on sex education, sexual health, and related topics. Include contact information for organizations such as the American Social Health Association, the Center for Disease Control National Prevention Information Network, and the Center for Sexual Health Promotion. Also, provide websites for educational resources like The-Clitoris.com, Coalition for Positive Sexuality, and GLBT National Hotline. Additionally, list resources for lesbian sexual health such as LesbianSTD.com and the National AIDS Hotline. Finally, provide information on videos, toys, books, and supplies from sources in the United States and Canada, such as Adam and Eve, Babeland, and Good Vibrations. ensure to include their phone numbers and websites.", "response": "\n\n**APPENDIX B: RESOURCES**\n\n#  **Sex Education and Information**\n\nAmerican Social Health Association   \n(919) 361-8400   \nwww.ashastd.org\n\n  \n\n\nCenter for Disease Control National Prevention Information Network   \n(800) 458-5231   \nwww.cdcnpin.com\n\n  \n\n\nCenter for Sexual Health Promotion   \nwww.nationalsexstudy.indiana.edu  \nThe most recent National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, as well   \nas past surveys, can be found here.\n\n  \n\n\nThe-Clitoris.com  \n\u201cEverything you ever wanted to know about the clitoris and female sexu-   \nality.\u201d   \nwww.the-clitoris.com\n\n  \n\n\nCoalition for Positive Sexuality   \n(773) 604-1654   \nwww.positive.org\n\n  \n\n\nGLBT National Hotline   \n(888) THE-GLNH; (888) 843-4564   \nwww.glbtnationalhelpcenter.org\n\n  \n\n\nLesbianSTD.com  \nSexual health information and resources for women who have sex with   \nwomen.\n\n  \n\n\nNational AIDS Hotline   \n(800) CDC-INFO; (800) 232-4636\n\n  \n\n\nNational STI Resource Center Hotline   \n(919) 361-8488\n\n  \n\n\nPlanned Parenthood   \n(800) 230-7526   \nwww.plannedparenthood.org\n\n  \n\n\nSan Francisco Sex Information   \n(415) 989-7374   \nwww.sfsi.org\n\n  \n\n\nScarleteen   \nResource of sex information geared toward teen women, but with great   \nsections for young men.   \nwww.scarleteen.com\n\n  \n\n\nSexual Health InfoCenter   \nwww.sexhealth.org\n\n  \n\n\nSIECUS (Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United   \nStates)   \n(212) 819-9770   \nwww.siecus.org\n\n  \n\n\nSociety for Human Sexuality   \nwww.sexuality.org\n\n#  **Videos, Toys, Books, and Supplies United States and Canada**\n\nAdam and Eve   \nMail-order catalog and website with toys, DVDs, safer-sex supplies,   \nbooks, and lingerie.   \n(800) 274-0333   \nwww.adameve.com\n\n  \n\n\nBabeland   \n\u201cSex toys for a passionate world.\u201d Retail stores in Seattle and New York.   \n(800) 658-9119   \nwww.babeland.com\n\n  \n\n\nBlowfish   \n\u201cGood Products for Great Sex.\u201d Mail-order catalog available.   \n(800) 325-2569   \nwww.blowfish.com\n\n  \n\n\nCoco de Mer   \nA sophisticated sex toy boutique with retail stores in London and   \nSouthern California.   \n020 7836 8882 (UK); (866) 959-2626 (US)   \nwww.coco-de-mer.com (UK); www.cocodemerusa.com (US) \n\n  \n\n\nCome Again Erotic Emporium   \nWoman-owned retail store in New York City with toys, books, and lingerie.   \n(646) 833-0586\n\n  \n\n\nCome As You Are   \nRetail store in Toronto with toys, books, videos, safer-sex supplies, and   \neducational resources\u2014especially resources for the disabled.   \n(888) 504-7934   \nwww.comeasyouare.com\n\n  \n\n\nCondomania   \nCondoms, lubricants, massage oils, and more.   \n(800) 926-6366   \nwww.condomania.com\n\n  \n\n\nEve\u2019s Garden   \nRetail store in New York City and catalog of toys, books, and videos.   \n(800) 848-3837   \nwww.evesgarden.com\n\n  \n\n\nForbidden Fruit   \nWoman-owned and operated toy store / adult gift shop and fetish   \nboutique in Austin, Texas.   \n(800) 315-2029   \nwww.forbiddenfruit.com\n\n  \n\n\nGood for Her   \nWoman-focused retail store in Toronto with toys, books, videos, and   \nerotic art. Sponsors of the Feminist Porn Awards.   \n(877) 588-0900   \nwww.goodforher.com\n\n  \n\n\nGood Vibrations   \nProbably the best source of sex toys, books, and videos for women of all   \nsexual orientations. Retail sex toy stores in San Francisco and Berkeley,   \nCA, and Brookline, MA.   \n(800) BUY-VIBE; (800) 289-8423   \nwww.goodvibes.com\n\n  \n\n\nIt\u2019s My Pleasure   \n\u201cPortland\u2019s (Oregon) original feminist adult store.\u201d   \n(503) 280-8080   \nwww.itsmypleasurepdx.com\n\n  \n\n\nLovecraft   \nRetail store in Mississauga, ON, Canada, offering toys, books, videos, and   \nlingerie.   \n(877) 923-7331   \nwww.lovecraftsexshop.com\n\n  \n\n\nPleasure Chest   \nNovelties, toys, videos, and clothing. Retail stores in New York, Chicago,   \nand Los Angeles.   \n(800) 753-4356   \nwww.thepleasurechest.com\n\n  \n\n\nPurple Passion   \nFetish and sex store in New York City. Includes fetish wear in plus sizes.   \n(212) 807-0486   \nwww.purplepassion.com\n\n  \n\n\nSmitten Kitten   \nProgressive adult sex toys and equipment retailer in South Minneapolis.   \n(888) 751-0523   \nwww.smittenkittenonline.com\n\n  \n\n\nSugar   \nWoman-owned retail store in Baltimore featuring toys, safer-sex supplies,   \nbooks, and DVDs.   \n(410) 467-2632   \nwww.sugartheshop.com\n\n  \n\n\nVenus Envy   \nBooks, sex, and health resources. Retail stores in Ottawa, ON, and   \nHalifax, NS, Canada.   \nwww.venusenvy.ca\n\n  \n\n\nA Woman\u2019s Touch   \nFeminist sex store offering toys, books, and safer-sex supplies. Retail   \nstores in both Madison and Milwaukee, WI.   \n(888) 621-8880   \nwww.a-womans-touch.com\n\n  \n\n\nWomyn\u2019s Ware   \nRetail store in Vancouver, BC, Canada, with toys, books, and fetish gear.   \nEducation- and woman-focused.   \n(888) WYM-WARE; (888) 996-9273   \nwww.womynsware.com\n\n  \n\n\nXandria Collection   \nToys, books, and videos. Mail-order catalog available.   \n(800) 242-2823   \nwww.xandria.com\n\n  \n\n\n**Europe**   \nLe Boudoir   \nThe Spanish woman\u2019s answer to a female-friendly, smart and sexy online   \nsex shopping experience.   \nwww.leboudoir.net\n\n  \n\n\nLoveHoney   \nThis UK-based site is a one-stop shop for quality sex toys, books and   \nvideos.   \n(0800) 915-6635   \nwww.lovehoney.co.uk\n\n  \n\n\nLust   \nA women-run, women-focused online sex boutique from Denmark.   \nRetail stores in Copenhagen and Mallorca.   \nwww.lustuniverse.com/uk\n\n  \n\n\nSecond Sexe   \nFrench website, erotic boutique, and resource for women-positive, femi-   \nnist-identified products and porn.   \nwww.secondsexe.com\n\n  \n\n\nSH!   \nThe UK\u2019s first sex shop for women, located in London.   \nwww.sh-womenstore.com\n\n  \n\n\nTiberius   \nAustrian leather, latex, and a variety of sexy tools.   \nwww.tiberius.at\n\n  \n\n\nYoba   \nA French online women\u2019s sex toy boutique.   \nwww.yobaparis.com\n\n#  **Sex-Related Websites**\n\nFeMiNa   \nHuge directory of searchable links by, for, and about women.   \nwww.femina.com\n\n  \n\n\nViolet Blue\u2019s Open Source Sex   \nSex culture commentary, accurate sex information, updated resources for   \nall things related to human sexuality.   \nwww.tinynibbles.com\n\n  \n\n\nViviane\u2019s Sex Carnival   \nMulti-author sex blog; excellent resource on sex toy reviews, sex news,   \nsex classes.   \nwww.thesexcarnival.com\n\n  \n\n\nVulva University   \nClasses on many aspects of female sexuality.   \nwww.houseochicks.com\n\n#  **Lesbian / Bisexual / Gay / Trans Resources**\n\nBisexual Resource Center   \nEducational and support center in Boston; website has links to other   \nbisexual resources.   \n(617) 424-9595   \nwww.biresource.org\n\n  \n\n\nLesbian.com  \nOnline portal for all things lesbian.   \nwww.lesbian.com\n\n  \n\n\nLesbian.org  \nResources for lesbian and bisexual women.   \nwww.lesbian.org\n\n  \n\n\nQueer Resources Directory   \nwww.qrd.org\n\n#  **Sexuality Workshops**\n\nBody Electric School   \nWorkshops on erotic spirituality.   \n(510) 653-1594   \nwww.bodyelectric.org\n\n  \n\n\nHuman Awareness Institute   \nWorkshops on love, intimacy, and sexuality.   \n(707) 981-7886   \nwww.hai.org\n\n  \n\n\nSkyDancing Tantra   \nWorkshops on Tantra.   \n(877) 982-6872   \nwww.skydancingtantra.org\n\n#  **Recommended Reading**\n\n(Note: Some of these titles may not be readily available. AbeBooks.com is a good resource for finding out-of-print books.)\n\n##  **What Other People Do**\n\n_First Person Sexual: Women And Men Write about Self-Pleasuring_ by Joani Blank. (Down There Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Good Sex: Real Stories from Real People_ by Julia Hutton. (Cleis Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Hite Report: A National Study of Female Sexuality_ by Shere Hite. (Seven Stories Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_I Am My Lover: Women Pleasure Themselves_ by Joani Blank. (Down There Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_My Secret Garden: Women\u2019s Sexual Fantasies_ ; _Forbidden Flowers: More Women\u2019s Sexual Fantasies_ ; and _Women on Top_ by Nancy Friday. (Pocket Books)\n\n  \n\n\n_Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving_ by Betty Dodson. (Three Rivers Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Shared Intimacies_ by Lonnie Barbach and Linda Levine. (Bantam Books)\n\n  \n\n\n_Ultimate Pleasure: The Secrets of Easily Orgasmic Women_ by Marc and Judith Meshorer. (St. Martin\u2019s Press)\n\n##  **How To\u2026**\n\n_The Art of Sexual Ecstasy: The Path of Sacred Sexuality for Western Lovers_ by Margo Anand. A classic on simplified Tantric sex. (Tarcher Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women_ by Julia Heimann and Joseph LoPiccolo. (Fireside Books)\n\n  \n\n\n_Big Big Love: A Sex and Relationships Guide for People of Size (and Those Who Love Them)_ by Hanne Blank. (Celestial Arts) \n\n  \n\n\n_The Clitoral Truth: The Secret World at Your Fingertips_ by Rebecca Chalker. (Seven Stories Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Dr. Sprinkle\u2019s Spectacular Sex: Make Over Your Love Life with One of the World\u2019s Great Sex Experts_ by Annie Sprinkle, PhD. (Tarcher)\n\n  \n\n\n_ESO: How You and Your Lover Can Give Each Other Hours of Extended Sexual Orgasm_ by Alan and Donna Brauer. (Grand Central Publishing)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures_ by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. An absolute must for anyone who is thinking about nonmonogamy, or wants to understand how nonmonogamy can work. (Greenery Press.)\n\n  \n\n\n_Exhibitionism for the Shy: Show Off, Dress Up and Talk Hot_ by Carol Queen. (Down There Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot_ by Deborah Sundahl. (Hunter House)\n\n  \n\n\n_For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality_ , Lonnie Barbach. (Signet)\n\n  \n\n\n_Getting Off: A Woman\u2019s Guide to Masturbation_ by Jamye Waxman. (Seal Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Good Vibrations Guide: The G-Spot_ by Cathy Winks. Down There Press.\n\n  \n\n\n_The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex: The Most Complete Sex Manual Ever Written_ by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans. (Cleis Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Great Sex Weekend: A 48-Hour Guide to Rekindling Sparks for Bold, Busy, or Bored Lovers_ , Pepper Schwartz, PhD and Janet Lever, PhD. (Perigee Trade)\n\n  \n\n\n_A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting_ by Deborah Addington. (Greenery Press) \n\n  \n\n\n_The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex_ by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans. (Cleis Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide_ by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller. (Da Capo Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Multi-Orgasmic Woman: Discover Your Full Desire, Pleasure, and Vitality_ by Mantak Chia and Rachel Carlton Abrams, MD. (Rodale)\n\n  \n\n\n_Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships_ by Tristan Taormino. (Cleis Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Smart Girl\u2019s Guide to the G-Spot_ by Violet Blue. (Cleis Press) _Tantric Sex for Women: A Guide for Lesbian, Bi, Hetero, and Solo Lovers_ by Christa Schulte. (Hunter House)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Strap-On Book_ by A. H. Dion. (Greenery Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women_ by Tristan Taormino. (Cleis Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Go Down on a Woman and Give Her Exquisite Pleasure_ by Violet Blue. (Cleis Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain, and Illness_ by Miriam Kaufman, MD, Cory Silverberg, and Fran Odette. (Cleis Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Ultimate Guide to Strap-On Sex: A Complete Resource for Women and Men_ by Karlyn Lotney (aka Fairy Butch). (Cleis Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us_ by Felice Newman. (Cleis Press)\n\n##  **General Information on Women\u2019s Sexuality**\n\n_Femalia_ edited by Joani Blank. A photographic reference on female genital anatomy. (Last Gasp Publishing)\n\n  \n\n\n_The G Spot: And Other Discoveries about Human Sexuality_ by Alice Kahn Ladas, Beverly Whipple, and John Perry. A classic, written by academics, but in a very readable style. (Holt)\n\n  \n\n\n_Good Vibrations: The New Complete Guide to Vibrators_ by Joani Blank with Ann Whidden. (Down There Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_A New View of a Woman\u2019s Body_ by the Federation of Feminist Women\u2019s Health Centers. (Feminist Health Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Our Bodies, Ourselves: A New Edition for a New Era_ by the Boston Women\u2019s Health Collective. (Touchstone Books)\n\n  \n\n\n_Women\u2019s Bodies, Women\u2019s Wisdom: Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing_ by Christiane Northrup. A comprehensive guide to women\u2019s health. (Bantam Books)\n\n##  **BDSM**\n\n_Radical Ecstasy: SM Journeys to Transcendence_ by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. (Greenery Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism_ by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. (Mystic Rose Books)\n\n  \n\n\n_Sensuous Magic: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples_ by Patrick Califia. If you are interested in investigating dominance and submission or sadomasochism, this book will give you some ideas about how to do so safely. (Cleis Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink \u2013 Educational, Sensual, and Entertaining Essays_ by Midori. (Daedalus Publishing)\n\n##  **The Politics of Sex**\n\n_Are We Having Fun Yet?: The Intelligent Woman\u2019s Guide to Sex_ by Marcia Douglass, PhD, and Lisa Douglass, PhD. Why women are not getting fulfillment and some ideas on how they can. (Hyperion)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Beauty Myth: How Images of Beauty Are Used Against Women_ by Naomi Wolf. Exposes the ways in which our judgments of beauty are shaped. (Harper Perennial)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Case of the Female Orgasm: Bias in the Science of Evolution_ by Elisabeth A. Lloyd. (Harvard University Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Promiscuities: The Secret Struggle for Womanhood_ by Naomi Wolf. Clearly describes how and why girls in America grow up confused. (Ballantine Books)\n\n  \n\n\n_Real Live Nude Girl: Chronicles of Sex-Positive Culture_ by Carol Queen. (Cleis Press)\n\n##  **Relationships**\n\n_After the Honeymoon: How Conflict Can Improve Your Relationship_ by Daniel B. Wile. (Daniel Wile)\n\n  \n\n\n_Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?_ by Jordan Paul, PhD, and Margaret Paul, PhD. (Hazelden)\n\n  \n\n\n_For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy_ by Lonnie Barbach, PhD. (Anchor)\n\n  \n\n\n_Journey of the Heart: The Path of Conscious Love_ by John Welwood. (Harper)\n\n  \n\n\n_Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works_ by Pepper Schwartz, PhD. (Touchstone)\n\n  \n\n\n_Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence_ by Esther Perel. (Harper)\n\n##  **Sexual Healing**\n\n_Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child_ by Laura Davis. (Harper)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse_ by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass. The classic on healing from childhood sexual abuse. (Harper)\n\n  \n\n\n_Getting Free: You Can End Abuse and Take Back Your Life_ by Ginny NiCarthy. (Seal Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma_ by Staci Haines. (Cleis Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_I Will Survive: The African American Guide to Healing from Sexual Assault and Abuse_ by Lori S. Robinson. (Seal Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Obsidian Mirror: Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse_ by Louise Wisechild. A compelling personal story of healing from abuse. (Seal Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse_ by Wendy Maltz. (Harper)\n\n##  **Energy Flows and the Chakra System**\n\n_Anatomy of the Spirit: The Seven Stages of Power and Healing_ by Caroline Myss. (Three Rivers Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Eastern Body, Western Mind: Psychology and the Chakra System as a Path to the Self_ by Anodea Judith. (Celestial Arts)\n\n  \n\n\n_Hands of Light: A Guide to Healing Through the Human Energy Field_ by Barbara Ann Brennan. (Bantam Books)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Wheels of Life: A User\u2019s Guide to the Chakra System_ by Anodea Judith. (Llewellyn Publications)\n\n##  **Exploring Lesbianism**\n\n_Another Mother Tongue: Gay Words, Gay Worlds_ by Judy Grahn. (Beacon Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold: The History of a Lesbian Community_ by Elizabeth Lapovsky Kennedy and Madeline D. Davis. (Routledge)\n\n  \n\n\n_Dear John, I Love Jane: Women Write About Leaving Men for Women_ edited by Candace Walsh and Laure Andr\u00e9. (Seal Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Lesbian Sex_ by JoAnn Loulan. (Spinsters Ink)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Original Coming Out Stories_ edited by Julia Penelope and Susan J. Wolfe. Crossing Press. Some very moving personal stories of women\u2019s first experience of loving other women. (Crossing Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Straight Woman\u2019s Guide to Lesbianism_ by Mikaya Heart. (Wildheart Books)\n"}
-{"input": " Write a comprehensive questionnaire about sexual experiences and preferences. Include questions about the respondent's age, sexual orientation, and relationship status. Ask about their sexual activity, both with partners and through masturbation, and their feelings towards sex. Inquire about any childhood experiences related to sex, such as being discouraged from touching their genitals or being touched inappropriately. Ask about the frequency and quality of their orgasms, both during masturbation and partnered sex. Include questions about the use of sex toys and anal penetration. Also, ask about sexual fantasies, ejaculation, and erogenous zones. Finally, ask about their experiences with same-sex partners and their awareness of their hymen breaking.", "response": "\n\n**APPENDIX C: QUESTIONNAIRE**\n\n1\\. What is your age? 18-28 / 29-39 /40-52/53-65/66-79 / 80 +\n\n2\\. Do you identify as: lesbian / bisexual / heterosexual / other\n\n3\\. Are you:\n\n\u2022 in relationship(s) and sexually active\n\n\u2022 in relationship(s) and not sexually active\n\n\u2022 not in relationship(s) and sexually active\n\n\u2022 not in relationship(s) and not sexually active\n\n\u2022 other\n\n4\\. On a scale of one to ten\u2014one being someone who thinks about sex and wants to do it all the time, and ten being someone who is not interested in sex at all\u2014where would you place yourself? very 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 not\n\n5\\. Do you talk with your friends and/or lover(s) about sex? yes / no / sometimes / other\n\n6\\. As a child, were you discouraged from touching your genitals? yes / no / don\u2019t remember / other\n\n7\\. Do you remember being touched inappropriately as a child? yes / no / not sure / other\n\n8\\. If \u201cYes\u201d to #7 have you done any healing around it? no / a little / lots / other\n\n9\\. Do you think your childhood experience with sex has affected your ease or otherwise with having orgasms? yes / no / maybe / N/A / other\n\n10\\. How often do you have sex (apart from masturbation)? never / every day / once or twice a week / other\n\n  \n\n\nIf there have been other times in your life when you\u2019ve had sex a lot more or a lot less, please explain what you think influences the frequency.\n\n11\\. \n\na. Do you masturbate? yes _/_ no / other\n\nb. If yes, do you enjoy it? yes / no / other\n\nc. How often do you masturbate? every day / once or twice a week / once or twice a month / once or twice a year / other\n\nIf there have been other times in your life when you\u2019ve masturbated a lot more or a lot less, please explain what you think influences the frequency.\n\nd. Do you generally experience orgasm when you masturbate? yes / no / N/A / usually / that\u2019s why I masturbate\n\n12\\. Have you been able to explain to your lover(s) exactly how to pleasure you? yes / no / I don\u2019t know what to tell them / N/A / other\n\n13\\. When you have sex with another person do you most often experience fulfillment / frustration / boredom _/_ joy / satisfaction / other\n\n14\\. \n\na. Do you dream about sex? If so, are they satisfying dreams? yes / no / other\n\nb. Do you physically experience orgasm in these dreams? yes / no / other\n\n  \n\n\nPlease write about your dreams in detail.\n\n15\\. \n\na. Have you ever used a vibrator? yes / no / other\n\nb. If yes, did/do you enjoy it? yes / no / somewhat / other\n\n16\\. \n\na. Do you like having your clitoris stroked by someone\u2019s fingers? yes / no / sometimes / usually / I\u2019ve never experienced it / other\n\nb. Do you like having your clitoris orally stimulated? yes / no / sometimes / usually / I\u2019ve never experienced it / other\n\nc. Do you come more easily when you are receiving clitoral stimulation? yes / no / maybe / N/A / other\n\nd. Can you come from clitoral stimulation alone? yes / no / sometimes / N/A / other\n\ne. How would you describe to someone how to stimulate you orally?\n\n17\\. \n\na. Do you like vaginal penetration? yes / no / sometimes / usually / I\u2019ve never experienced it / other\n\nb. Do you come more easily when being vaginally stimulated? yes / no / maybe / N/A / other\n\nc. Can you come from vaginal penetration alone? yes / no / sometimes / N/A / other\n\nd. Are you aware of your G-spot? yes / no / sometimes / other\n\ne. What does it feel like when you touch it yourself?\n\nf. What does it feel like when someone else touches it?\n\n18\\. \n\na. Do you like anal penetration? yes / no / usually / sometimes / I\u2019ve never experienced it / other \n\nb. Do you come more easily when being anally stimulated? yes / no / maybe / N/A / other\n\nc. Can you come from anal penetration alone? yes / no / sometimes / N/A / other\n\n19\\. \n\na. Have you ever had sex with a man? yes / no\n\nb. If yes, have you had orgasms during sex with a man? yes / no / N/A / other\n\nc. Did they occur during: vaginal penetration / anal penetration / clitoral stimulation / other\n\nd. If you have had intercourse with a man, was your first time enjoyable / unpleasant / boring / other\n\n20\\. \n\na. Have you ever had sex with another woman? yes / no\n\nb. If yes, have you had orgasms during sex with a woman? yes / no / N/A / other\n\nc. Did they occur during: vaginal penetration / anal penetration / clitoral stimulation / other\n\nd. When you\u2019re making love with another woman, how important is it to you that she have an orgasm? very / somewhat / not at all / other\n\n21\\. \n\na. Female ejaculation occurs in some women, when they flood or squirt a watery fluid that is similar to, but different from, urine. Do you ejaculate?\n\nb. If yes, can you tell when you are about to ejaculate? yes / no / sometimes _/_ other\n\nc. Is your ejaculation associated with an orgasm? yes / no / sometimes / N/A / other\n\nd. What does ejaculate smell like to you, and does it vary at different times?\n\n22\\. \n\na. Are there other parts of your body, besides your genitals, that you find erotic? If so, what parts?\n\nb. Can you orgasm just from having that part(s) stimulated? yes / no / sometimes / N/A / other \n\n23\\. \n\na. Do you have sexual fantasies? yes / no / other\n\nb. If yes, do you have them when you are: with another person / alone / either?\n\nc. Do they contribute to your orgasms? yes / no / maybe / N/A / other\n\n24\\. \n\na. If you are someone who has experienced vaginal penetration, were you aware of your hymen breaking?\n\nb. Did you bleed? yes / no / other\n\nc. Was it painful? yes / no _/_ other\n\nIf you don\u2019t have orgasms, or don\u2019t know, skip to question 37\n\n25\\. \n\na. Do you have orgasms when you are: being sexual with another person / masturbating / both / fantasizing / other\n\nb. Is there a specific activity that always brings you to orgasm when it is done correctly? If yes, please describe that activity.\n\n26\\. No two orgasms are exactly alike, however, some women experience distinct, separate types. Some have what they call clitoral or vaginal orgasms. Do you? yes / no / other\n\n  \n\n\nPlease list the types of orgasm you have, clarifying what differentiates each type, and what has to be done to make them occur.\n\n27\\. \n\na. Do you ever have multiple orgasms (several orgasms one after another with very little interval in between)? yes / no / other\n\nb. If you experience more than one type of orgasm, is one more likely to be multiple? yes / no / N/A / other\n\nc. If yes, which type?\n\n28\\. \n\na. Do you expect to experience orgasm when someone is making love to you? yes / no / only with some lovers / other\n\nb. Do you feel disappointed if you don\u2019t? yes / no / other\n\nc. If you\u2019re disappointed, do you show your lover how you feel? yes / no / sometimes / other\n\n29\\. Have you ever had a one-time experience of orgasm that was quite different from anything else you\u2019ve experienced? If so, please describe it in detail.\n\n30\\. \n\na. Can you remember the first time you experienced orgasm?\n\nb. If yes, how old were you and what was going on?\n\nc. During your teen years, did you experience orgasm: regularly / sometimes / never / other\n\nd. Did you ever experience orgasm in your preteen years? yes / no / don\u2019t remember\n\n31\\. Can you isolate anything that makes it more likely you would have an orgasm: for instance, when you are very relaxed; when you\u2019re feeling emotionally open; when you\u2019re with a stranger; when your clitoris is being orally stimulated; when your clitoris is being manually stimulated; with a vibrator; when your partner is clearly very excited; when you are being penetrated; when you have your legs stretched out straight; when you\u2019re with someone who stimulates you intellectually; when your nipples are being touched; when your partner takes control over you; when you take control over your partner; when you\u2019re alone. Please write what brings you to orgasm in as much detail as you can, using a separate sheet of paper.\n\n32\\. Would you describe your orgasms as any of the following: exquisite / deep / clenching / pounding / electrical / like riding a wave / like falling / like flying / like an earthquake / other\n\n  \n\n\nPlease write in your own words what orgasm, and the buildup to it, are like for you. Be as detailed as you can!\n\n33\\. \n\na. Can you have an orgasm when you are sexually stimulating your lover, but your body is not being stimulated (you\u2019re not rubbing on anything and no one is touching you)? yes / no / other\n\nb. If yes, how often has this happened? What do you think allows it to happen?\n\nc. Can you have an orgasm when you are not touching anyone else, and your body is not being sexually stimulated (that is, nobody  is touching you, and you are not touching yourself or rubbing on anything)? yes / no / other\n\nd. If yes, how often has this happened and what were the circumstances?\n\n34\\. After having an orgasm, or orgasms, are you energized / sleepy / other\n\n35\\. Have you ever faked orgasm? yes / no / other\n\n  \n\n\nIf yes, under what circumstances, and why?\n\n36\\. Do you have more powerful orgasms when you make a lot of noise? yes / no / don\u2019t know / other\n\n  \n\n\nFor women who don\u2019t have orgasms: Please write what it is you like, or liked, about any of the stimulation described in the previous questions.\n\n37\\. Do you ever feel like you\u2019re close to having an orgasm but can\u2019t quite get there? yes / no / often / other\n\n38\\. Do you have clearly identifiable peaks in your sexual enjoyment? yes / no / sometimes / other\n\n39\\. Why do you think you don\u2019t have orgasms?\n\n40\\. \n\na. Do you tell other people that you don\u2019t have orgasms? yes / no / other\n\nb. If yes, what kind of reactions do you get when you tell other people? If no, what kind of reactions do you think you would get?\n\nc. How do / would those reactions make you feel?\n\nd. What kind of reaction would you like to get? \n\n41\\. \n\na. Do you feel deprived or frustrated because you don\u2019t have an experience you can clearly label orgasm? yes / no / other\n\nb. Do you wish you had a clearly identifiable orgasmic response? yes / no / other\n\nc. Have you done anything specifically to try and have orgasms? yes / no / other\n\nd. If yes, what?\n\ne. Have you attended or considered attending a workshop on how to have orgasms? yes / no / maybe / other\n\nf. Do you have a clear idea of something that you feel would be helpful to you in learning to experience orgasms? If so, what? \n"}
-{"input": " Write a brief biography about the author of the book. Include details about their upbringing, immigration, and current activities. Discuss their professional background and any awards they have received for their work. Mention their personal growth and healing experiences, as well as the various teachers they have worked with. Describe their current workshops and the philosophies behind them. Also, mention any unique hobbies or skills they have, such as kitesurfing.", "response": "\n\n**ABOUT THE AUTHOR**\n\n**MIKAYA HEART** is an author, speaker, life coach, and explorer. After growing up in Scotland and immigrating to Northern California in the 1980s, she now spends her time traveling the world and writing on a variety of subjects, always with the intention of empowering her readers. Her memoir, _My Sweet Wild Dance_ , received a Golden Crown Literary Award.\n\nOriginally trained as an agricultural mechanic, Heart ran an organic market garden, raised free-range pigs, and built her own house out of recycled lumber in the backwoods. She\u2019s done a great deal of personal growth and healing work with various teachers, including Brooke Medicine Eagle and Angeles Arrien. Heart now offers workshops based on the art of being fully alive, leading shamanic journeys to help her clients access the vastness of being. She sees sex as a particularly delightful shamanic practice. She also teaches kitesurfing, which is an awe-inspiring dance with water and wind.\n"}
-{"input": " Write a detailed copyright page for the book, including the copyright year and holder for the main content and the foreword. Include information about the restrictions on reproduction of the book's content. Provide the publisher's address and any specific copyright information related to illustrations or other materials used in the book. Include the ISBN number and Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data, including the ISBN, classification numbers, and the Dewey Decimal Classification number.", "response": "\n\nCopyright \u00a9 1998, 2011 by Mikaya Heart.\n\nForeword copyright \u00a9 2011 by Violet Blue\u00ae\n\n  \n\n\nAll rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio, television, or online reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.\n\n  \n\n\nPublished in the United States by Cleis Press, Inc., 2246 Sixth Street, Berkeley, California 94710.\n\n  \n\n\n  \n\n\nIllustrations of female anatomy on pages 9 and 10 \u00a9 2004 by Fish.\n\n  \n\n\neISBN : 978-1-573-44734-8\n\n  \n\n\n  \n\n\n  \n\n\nLibrary of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data\n\n  \n\n\nHeart, Mikaya.\n\nUltimate guide to orgasm for women / Mikaya Heart. p. cm.\n\nIncludes index.\n\neISBN : 978-1-573-44734-8\n\n1\\. Sex instruction for women. 2. Female orgasm. I. Title.\n\nHQ46.H414 2011\n\n613.9\u20196082--dc23\n\n2011020615\n"}
+{"input": "1. Q: What is the main focus of Chapter 1?\nA: The main focus of Chapter 1 is sexual play and the importance of embracing our complexity and diversity in sexual experiences. It introduces a new vocabulary for sex and highlights the benefits of sexual play as a form of self-expression and connection.\n2. Q: What is the purpose of the anatomy review in Chapter 2?\nA: The purpose of the anatomy review in Chapter 2 is to provide a comprehensive understanding of the sexual organs and their functions. It covers both male and female anatomy, including the clitoris, vagina, and penis, and discusses the role of each in sexual pleasure.\n3. Q: What is the significance of the \"One Is Not Always Enough\" section in Chapter 2?\nA: The \"One Is Not Always Enough\" section in Chapter 2 emphasizes the importance of variety in sexual experiences. It encourages readers to explore different types of sexual activities and to communicate with their partners about their desires and needs.\n4. Q: What is the myth of the definitive orgasm discussed in Chapter 3?\nA: The myth of the definitive orgasm is the belief that there is only one \"right\" way to experience an orgasm. This chapter challenges that myth by discussing the various types of orgasms, including combination orgasms, surface orgasms, and depth orgasms.\n5. Q: What is the nonphysical component of orgasm discussed in Chapter 4?\nA: The nonphysical component of orgasm discussed in Chapter 4 includes the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual aspects of sexual experiences. It explores the role of chemistry, emotional orgasms, and the power of fantasy in enhancing sexual pleasure.\n6. Q: What is the significance of the feminine in the spiritual experience of orgasm discussed in Chapter 5?\nA: The significance of the feminine in the spiritual experience of orgasm is that it emphasizes the importance of intuition, feelings, and oneness in achieving a transcendent sexual experience. It also discusses the role of tantra, kundalini, and meditation in connecting with the divine.\n7. Q: What are some variations in desire discussed in Chapter 6?\nA: Some variations in desire discussed in Chapter 6 include differences in libido, sexual orientation, and preferences. It also discusses the impact of hormonal changes, medications, and aging on sexual desire.\n8. Q: What is the role of negative messages in Chapter 7?\nA: The role of negative messages in Chapter 7 is to explore how societal and cultural attitudes towards sex can impact an individual's sexual self-esteem and expression. It discusses the impact of sexual abuse and the importance of recovery.\n9. Q: What is the significance of communication in relationships discussed in Chapter 8?\nA: The significance of communication in relationships discussed in Chapter 8 is that it emphasizes the importance of communication in achieving satisfying sexual experiences. It discusses the power of both saying \"no\" and \"yes\" and the importance of asserting oneself and communicating desires and boundaries.\n10. Q: What is the role of the PC muscle in penetration discussed in Chapter 9?\nA: The role of the PC muscle in penetration discussed in Chapter 9 is that it is responsible for controlling the contractions of the vagina during penetration. Strengthening the PC muscle can enhance sexual pleasure and improve control during sex.\n11. Q: What is the relationship of orgasm to ejaculation discussed in Chapter 10?\nA: The relationship of orgasm to ejaculation discussed in Chapter 10 is that they are not necessarily the same thing. While ejaculation is often associated with male orgasm, it is possible to have an orgasm without ejaculation. The chapter also discusses the power of ejaculation and its role in empowerment and sexual expression.", "response": "\n\nTable of Contents\n\n  \n\n\nTitle Page\n\nAcknowledgments\n\nForeword\n\nIntroduction\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 1 - SEXUAL PLAY\n\nA New Vocabulary for Sex\n\nThe Best Medicine\n\nEmbracing Our Complexity and Diversity\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 2 - WHAT WORKS, WHAT DOESN'T, AND WHY\n\nAn Anatomy Review\n\nAn Oral Review\n\nPenetration\n\nHow to Ask\n\nMasturbation\n\nVibrators\n\nVariety of Pleasures\n\nOne Is Not Always Enough\n\nEmotional Erogenous Zones\n\nTuning In\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 3 - THE PHYSICAL EXPERIENCE OF ORGASM\n\nThe Myth of the Definitive Orgasm\n\nBeyond Vaginal and Clitoral\n\nCombination Orgasms\n\nSurface Versus Depth\n\nPulsing and Contractions\n\nPregnancy and Orgasm\n\nA Vocabulary for Orgasm\n\nMultiple Orgasms\n\nNotes\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 4 - THE ENERGETIC EXPERIENCE OF ORGASM\n\nThe Nonphysical Components of Orgasm\n\nChemistry: A Psychic Connection\n\nEmotional Orgasms\n\nThe Intellectual Component: Focusing the Mind\n\nAftershocks\n\nSimultaneous and Empathic Orgasms\n\nEnergy Movement Within the Body\n\nAlignment\n\nVisuals\n\nThe Power of Fantasy\n\nSound\n\nExtended Orgasm\n\nNotes\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 5 - THE SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE OF ORGASM\n\nThe Feminine\n\nIntuition and Feelings\n\nSeparation, Oneness, and Passion\n\nTantra\n\nKundalini\n\nThe Breath\n\nMeditation\n\nLove, Sex, and Sanity\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 6 - THE ELUSIVE ORGASM\n\nVariations in Desire\n\nHysterectomies, Medications, and Aging\n\nDisappearing Orgasms\n\nRecognizing an Orgasm\n\nAnorgasmic Women\n\nCultural Conditioning\n\nLearning to Come\n\nGreat Expectations\n\nThe Need to Please\n\nFaking Orgasm\n\nDo Men Know When We're Faking It?\n\nNotes\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 7 - EARLY SEXUAL EXPERIENCES\n\nA Child's View of Sex\n\nGrowing Up Without Information\n\nEmbracing Our Passion\n\nNegative Messages\n\nWhy Some of Us Love Our Sexual Selves and Some of Us Don't\n\nWhen Sex Is Sex and When It's Not\n\nSexual Abuse of Children\n\nRecovery\n\nNotes\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 8 - RELATIONSHIPS\n\nBodies\n\nTake Your Time\n\nPartners\n\nWithholding Feelings\n\nA Great Love Doesn't Always Guarantee Great Sex\n\nCommunication\n\nThe Power of No\n\nThe Power of Yes\n\nGetting Turned On\n\nDealing with Difficult Feelings\n\nGetting Down to Business\n\nTake a Risk, But Don't Take It Seriously\n\nAsserting Ourselves\n\nClaiming Our Passion\n\nIt Hurts So Good\n\nFears Versus Passion\n\nNotes\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 9 - PENETRATION AND THE G-SPOT\n\nLubrication\n\nThe PC Muscle\n\nPenetration Is Not Essential\n\nBut Some of Us Really Love It!\n\nVirginity: The Arduous Process of Losing It\n\nEnjoying Penetration\n\nThe Astounding Vagina\n\nTaking It Slowly\n\nThe G-Spot\n\nLocation, Location, Location\n\nToys\n\nTo Use a Dildo\u2026or Not Use a Dildo\n\nOde to the Dildo\n\nOther Orifices\n\nNotes\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 10 - EJACULATION, FISTING, AND ANAL SEX\n\nThe G-Spot and Ejaculation\n\nWhat Is It and Where Does It Come From?\n\nWho? When? How Much?\n\nThe Relationship of Orgasm to Ejaculation\n\nThe Power of Ejaculation\n\nVaginal Fisting\n\nThe How-tos of Vaginal Fisting\n\nVaginal Fisting and Orgasms\n\nAnal Sex\n\nNotes\n\n  \n\n\nCHAPTER 11 - THE PURPOSE OF ORGASM\n\nFrom Pain to Pleasure, and Beyond\u2026\n\nResponsible Sex, Responsible Living\n\nWorking with Energy\n\nEmpowerment\n\nNotes\n\n  \n\n\nAPPENDIX A: SAFER SEX\n\nAPPENDIX B: RESOURCES\n\nAPPENDIX C: QUESTIONNAIRE\n\nABOUT THE AUTHOR\n\nCopyright Page\n"}
+{"input": " Q: Describe the physical sensation of a powerful orgasm using vivid and imaginative language. Compare it to natural or cosmic phenomena to emphasize its intensity and transformative power.", "response": "\n\n_I can lose myself completely in a powerful orgasm._   \n_It's like being ripped out from inside._   \n_It's like planets colliding._   \n_Yes, the earth moves, but not before the Milky Way dissolves._\n"}
+{"input": " Q: Compose the Acknowledgments section for a nonfiction book on female sexuality. Include the names and roles of various contributors, such as interviewees, authors, sex educators, therapists, and organizations. Provide context for their contributions, such as book titles, quotes, and interviews.", "response": "\n\n**Acknowledgments**\n\nMy heartfelt thanks to: Jesse Cougar, Caryn McClosky, Barbara Taylor, Joy Schulenburg, and Victoria Baker for their time, feedback, and support. Barbara, Bonnie, Bluejay, Catrayl, Carolyn, Chris, Cora, D'Arcy, Deborah, Devorah, Diane, Donna, Doris, Jacq, Jana, Judy, Kay, Laurie, Linci, Lisa Halse, Lisa Sacks, Maggie, Maluma, Maria, Marya, Molly, Nancy, Nora, Nyna, Pat, Robin, Sage, Sari, Tine, Tui, Vika, and all the other wonderful women who spent time talking with me or completed a questionnaire; also Bee, Dave, Rayner, and Wolfgang.\n\nThe following people had private conversations with me and are quoted in the text: Lonnie Barbach, PhD, is the author of _For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality_ , among many other books. Author and sex educator Joani Blank founded Good Vibrations, the first womancentered sex toy store in the U.S. Jwala is a Tantra teacher and the author of _Sacred Sex: Ecstatic Techniques for Empowering Relationships_. Dorrie Lane is the creator of the Wondrous Vulva Puppet. Anna Marti is an intimacy coach and speaker on bridging esoteric tantric teaching and western psychotherapeutic and somatic practices. Some of her quotes appeared in an interview conducted by the Society for Human Sexuality. NightOwl is a pagan writer and sex activist. Some of her quotes appeared in an interview conducted by the Society for Human Sexuality. Dr. Annie Sprinkle is an artist, sexologist, ecosexual, author, lecturer, and educator. Some of her quotes are from her DVD _Sluts and Goddesses_. Dr. Joan Spiegel is a sex therapist, psychologist, and homeopath. David Steinberg is the author of _Erotic by Nature: A Celebration of Life, of Love, and of Our Wonderful Bodies_ and _Photo Sex: Fine Art Sexual Photography Comes of Age_. Deborah Sundahl is the producer of many DVDs on female ejaculation. She is the author of _Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot: Not Your Mother's Orgasm Book!_ Patricia Huntington Taylor is author of _The Enchantment of Opposites: How to Create Great Relationships_.\n\nThe following people are quoted in the text of the book: Carolyn Gage is a lesbian author and playwright. Janet W. Hardy is co-author of _The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures_. Alex Robboy, L.S.W., is a sex therapist and founder of the Center for Growth Inc. and How to Have Good Sex Inc. Beverly Whipple, PhD, co-author of _The G Spot: And Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality_, and Janet Lever, PhD, author of _The Great Sex Weekend: A 48-Hour Guide to Rekindling Sparks for Bold, Busy, or Bored Lovers_ , were both very helpful.\n"}
+{"input": " Write a foreword for a nonfiction book on female orgasms. Discuss the personal impact the book had on you, including any misconceptions you held before reading it and how the book helped you overcome them. Address the various types of women who may benefit from reading the book, from those who struggle with orgasms to those who have them easily. Encourage the reader to approach the book as a tool to enhance their understanding and enjoyment of their own sexuality. Sign off with your name and location.", "response": "\n\n**FOREWORD**\n\n\"I really need help,\" the email read. \"I feel like a great big loser of a woman because I can't have an orgasm.\" Arriving in my inbox from a total stranger, the long email detailed a personal struggle with a very private issue, one she had not shared with anyone. But she shared it with me, and she was not the first, or the only one.\n\nNot being able to have an orgasm, or what she thought was the right kind of orgasm, had pushed her to the point of desperation, made her feel frighteningly alone, like she was a \"loser,\" that she had somehow let down the sisterhood of all women, and that not only was she doing something wrong, but that she was also likely broken in some way that could never be fixed.\n\nLike my email advice seeker, who signed off \"Frustrated in Seattle,\" many women have a lot riding on orgasm. It goes deeper than self-esteem. It gets to the very heart of what makes many of us feel like women. It validates our personhood in our gender and our bodies. It's something that represents our power, our true ownership of our bodies.\n\nTake this away, or make it feel unattainable or wrong, and you take from a woman one of the things that is truly hers. Withhold it, and we somehow feel like we're not complete.\n\nI think you know what I mean. Growing up, I always had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that there was some orgasm \"ideal\" that I was not attaining, or should be very, very worried I would not be able to have.\n\nWhile my experience was not as frustrating as \"Frustrated,\" I knew I was able to have them\u2014by myself. But for some weird reason, I believed that the only \"real\" way for me to have one was to have it with a partner, and from penis-vagina penetration.\n\nUntil I read the first edition of Mikaya Heart's book years ago, I had no idea how this notion had entered my brain. Nor especially how something so absolute and so negative and so personal had taken root so firmly. I don't remember anyone telling me as a young woman that any kind of orgasm was any more valid than another. Or that I would be incomplete if I did not come in a certain way, with a guy. Yet for some reason I really felt that way, and it wasn't until I started to ask myself where this idea came from that I realized that it was not a value of my own. It was someone else's.\n\nLet me confess right now that I didn't know how, where, or when I had allowed my orgasms to be defined (or validated) by someone else. They just were.\n\nThis book changed everything for me: my orgasms, my relationship with sex, my relationship with my orgasms, and how I shared my orgasms (or not) with other people. I've recommended this book to hundreds, thousands of women over the years. Like me, each woman has had her own \"ah ha!\" moment between these pages. You can probably guess that for me it began with learning that I had grown up with cultural values instilled in me that were actually over a hundred years old. Basically, Freud had said that women had \"immature\" orgasms with the clitoris, and only \"mature\" (read: \"real\") orgasms from intercourse\u2014vaginal\u2014sex. And as a sex educator, I knew how many impossible standards this drivel, taken as gospel, had put into place.\n\nIt boggled my mind that my generation of women could be still living under social rules about women's orgasms from so long ago. But when I read about it, I realized I had found a definition for what my head had  decided was a \"real\" orgasm or not. And the realization that it was not my definition at all, that it was from outside me, brought me a sense of relief. It also gave me the power to reject it.\n\nStill. It's easy to read all of the popular sex-ed books and feel like you're somehow missing out. So-and-so porn star can have orgasms when she blinks. That trendy bestseller will tell you there's a \"magic button\" hidden somewhere inside of your ladyparts, and if you can't find it, well, _we're sorry_. _Good luck_.\n\nThere's always something lurking around the corner to bully your orgasm into not showing up, or when she does, to make her feel like she's wearing the same dress to the party as she did last year. And there's lipstick on her teeth. She felt great, but little did she realize there was something not-so-great about her the whole time.\n\nYou will always read these things and feel like you don't stack up. That you're missing out. That you'll never reach the summit. So I'd like to encourage you to think of these things like a glass door between you and your pleasure. And think of this book like a gentle brick\u2014or a key, if you prefer a more subtle metaphor\u2014to get you through to the other side.\n\nI recommended this book to \"Frustrated,\" and I recommend it to all women\u2014not just those of us who can't get to where we think we should be with orgasm. This book is for all women. Ones who are lucky and have orgasms readily, repeatedly, and easily; those who find them insanely frustratingly elusive; and women who have no idea where to even begin\u2014as well as women who once had them and want them back. It's a luscious, eye-opening, practical, and entertaining read. It is impossible to read this book and not learn something you really value about orgasms.\n\nI've never been able to keep a copy of this book for long. And to me, that's the ultimate compliment. I will continue to buy this book for all of my friends who borrow it and never return it. We're worth it.\n\n  \n\n\nViolet Blue   \nSan Francisco\n"}
+{"input": " Write an introduction for the second edition of your book on female orgasms. Discuss the changes made in this edition compared to the first, including the removal of your personal story and the addition of sidebars and anatomy illustrations. Mention the impact the book has had on readers' sex lives since its initial publication. Comment on the current state of sexual education and attitudes towards sex, highlighting progress made and areas for improvement. Share your motivation for writing the book and the value of personal experiences in understanding female sexuality. Explain your decision to include input from a diverse group of women, including those who are not satisfied with their sex lives. Provide guidance on how to use the book, emphasizing that it is not a prescriptive guide but rather a resource for exploring individual sexual preferences and enjoyment. Sign off with your name.", "response": "\n\n**INTRODUCTION**\n\nIn 1998, I published the first edition of this book, which was titled _When the Earth Moves: Women and Orgasm_. Since then, I have received numerous letters from readers telling me how much their sex lives have improved as a result of this book. This edition is a little shorter and easier on the eyes, with the addition of sidebars and anatomy illustrations. I have deleted my personal story of healing from a childhood of sexual abuse, as that story is now available in my memoir ( _My Sweet Wild Dance_ ), although you will still find many references to my own experience throughout the text.\n\nIn the last twelve years, with the advent of the Internet, a number of forums for discussion about sex have opened up. Some very good books about sex have been written, and books about sex are more easily available than ever. In most parts of the Western world, sex is generally accepted as a normal and delightful human activity, and children are offered real opportunities for education about sex. In spite of the religious right, we are no longer stuck in the days when women were told, _sex is dirty, save it for your husband._\n\nAnd still, we have a way to go in the process of waking up to the true depth and breadth of human sexuality. Sexuality is both a great gift and a valuable tool that can enable us to experience the wisdom and joy of our bodies and help us to express our creativity. I believe that a healthy sex life makes for a healthy person, and I am unwilling to define what _healthy_ means for anyone but myself. I would like all of us to have the freedom to self-define, and I am very grateful that I have been fortunate enough to reach a place in my life where I am able to enjoy unbridled sexual passion. My initial inspiration in writing this book was the desire to share the insights and understandings that I have grasped in the personal process of stepping into my sexual power\u2014a long but very rewarding journey that healed me on a deep level, taking me to a place of great appreciation for the extraordinary potential we have as human beings.\n\nIn some societies, sex is regarded as a sacred act; in others it is regarded as an act of profanity. Yet there are women all over the world who experience sex as fulfilling and empowering. For many of us it can be deeply transformative and healing, bringing us to the realization that we are much more than physical bodies confined by the limits of flesh and blood. No matter what our sexual or spiritual orientation may be, we can use sex as the doorway to a profound personal awakening.\n\nI must say something about that word _spiritual_. Because it denotes a concept that many people find alienating, it's not a word I use very much. I am well aware that some people close off as soon as they hear or read it. However, our language is appallingly limited when it comes to discussing anything outside the physical arena. Because sex takes so many of us to a place beyond the physical, I find it impossible to discuss orgasm in any depth without referring to the spiritual, simply because there is no other word. I ask those of you who find that word difficult to transpose over it whatever meaning works for you. Above all, please do not equate it with any concept of God, gods, goddesses, or religions of any denomination.\n\nBecause sex is such an individual experience, it is vital to illustrate the huge variety of our sexual responses and feelings. In the course of writing this book, I interviewed twenty-six women and three men in considerable detail about their sex lives. My questionnaire (see Appendix C) was posted online and circulated by hand. The italicized quotes appearing throughout the book are from responses to the questionnaire or from the interviews, and they are credited where the individual requested it. (See Acknowledgments.) I have occasionally used a pseudonym where a discussion involves quoting from the same person several times. A few of the people quoted are personal friends who engaged in ongoing conversations with me in the process of my writing. These include Barbara, Laura, Joy, Jean, Victoria, Donna, Lisa, Terry, and Jesse, who was my lover at the time. I have also included my own experiences where they are relevant.\n\nThe women who are leading the way in the process of sexual reclamation are heterosexual, lesbian, and bisexual. Women who make love with other women have a vast body of firsthand information and a unique outlook on female sexuality. Therefore, while I have included a high proportion of heterosexual input, much of the information I've presented is gleaned directly from lesbians and bisexual women. The value of their perceptions is not confined to same-sex relationships; it is very relevant to heterosexual women interested in expanding their sexual practices.\n\nI would like the reader to understand that most of the women I have interviewed are unusual; they are the ones who have been willing (and sometimes eager!) to talk about what sex is for them. Their experiences represent some of the possibilities within the range of female sexuality. Because I don't want to leave the reader with the idea that we are all having sex as good as those of us who are happy to talk about it, I have made an effort to include some women who are not satisfied with their sex lives. I am extremely grateful to the women who are not confident in their sexuality for being willing to talk to me; I know it wasn't always easy for them. Yet their input is vital, since women who aren't having great sex very often feel that there is something wrong with them, a feeling that prevents them from talking about their needs. Many women, including myself, have been in that place. I would like this book to foster the understanding that sex, like life, is a matter of individual preference; that experimentation is usually necessary to find out what you prefer; and that no one has any business judging you. No matter what you may hear to the contrary, there is no standard of normality that you, or anyone else, ought to adhere to.\n\nAlthough I have offered some pointers, this book won't give you detailed instructions of what to do when you are in bed with someone. If that's what you are looking for, see the Resources (Appendix B) for some excellent suggestions.\n\nI have included a few statistics about sexual responses, but when we are talking about something as controversial and subjective as sex, statistics are very questionable. Truthfully, people are more likely to lie about sex, consciously or unconsciously, than any other subject.\n\nYou don't need to read this book from front to back. Use the book in any way you want. Open it randomly and read the sidebars. Flip through the italicized quotes. Look up topics in the table of contents and explore whatever captures your fancy. Above all, don't take any of it too seriously. My intention is not to tell you what ought to be, only to offer up some choices. The most important thing about sex (and life) is to enjoy what feels good to you, however you're doing it.\n\n  \n\n\nMikaya Heart\n"}
+{"input": " Write a chapter on \"Sexual Play\" for a book about female orgasms. Discuss the importance of communication, laughter, and acceptance of diversity in sexual play. Explain the significance of developing a new vocabulary for sex and how it can be healing. Share definitions of terms used throughout the book, such as \"giver,\" \"receiver,\" and \"sexual play.\" Emphasize the importance of consensuality and negotiation in sexual interactions. Discuss the role of laughter in making sex more enjoyable and less serious. Explain the complexity and diversity of women's orgasms, including the fact that some women may not experience orgasms at all. Encourage acceptance of individual differences in sexuality and orgasm. Provide examples of women's descriptions of their orgasms to illustrate the diversity of experiences.", "response": "\n\n**CHAPTER** **1**\n\n**SEXUAL PLAY**\n\nLet's begin with the three facets of sexual play that I believe are the most important: communication, laughter, and acceptance of our remarkable diversity. I refer to these frequently throughout the book.\n\n#  **A New Vocabulary for Sex**\n\nI cannot stress too strongly how deeply healing it has been for me just to talk about sex. Speaking openly and honestly about my desires and listening to other women speak openly and honestly about theirs has released me from the veil of shame that shrouded the subject of sex when I was growing up. It has also been, and continues to be, incredibly informative. The learning process is ongoing. Our bodies are capable of the most extraordinary things, particularly when they are in a state of sexual arousal. And what limits our sexuality are the concepts we cling to of what we think is _meant_ to happen.\n\n_When you truly let your sexual energy flow freely throughout your entire being, you'll feel as though you're making love every moment of every day with everything and everyone\u2014even during a root canal._\n\n**\u2014DR. ANNIE SPRINKLE**\n\n  \n\n\nSex is like life. Our concepts of what sex is are shaped by our expectations; our expectations are shaped by our culture, and our culture is shaped by, and shapes, our language. The language we have available to us to talk about sex is minimal. Indeed, if it were anywhere close to adequate, we would have at least twenty different words to describe different kinds of orgasm. So here are definitions of a few terms you will read throughout the book.\n\nI often use the words _giver_ and _receiver_. The receiver is the one who is having something done to her, and might appear to be the more passive partner; the giver is the one who is doing, and might appear to be the more active partner. (Obviously there are times when this division is meaningless.)\n\nThe other term I frequently use is _sexual play_. It is vital that we view sex as a playful exchange, so that the games we engage in and the roles we adopt are openly acknowledged and discussed between willing participants. I do not use the term _foreplay_ , since it denotes a goal, a beginning and an end, and I've never related to it. While there are (possibly) beginnings and ends to specific acts during particular sexual encounters, sexual undercurrents are going on all the time, between all kinds of people. Whether or not we choose to bring these undercurrents to the surface, and act on them, should _always_ be the result of consensual agreement between adults.\n\nTraditional sexual interchanges all too often involve one person initiating an act that the other person feels ambivalent about, due to her past experience, or the likelihood that she won't get her needs met, or both. _Consensuality_ and _negotiation_ are extremely important concepts that are sadly lacking in this kind of exchange. Good sex must always be fully consensual, which means that both partners consciously agree to it, rather than doing things a certain way by default.\n\nI occasionally use the word _fuck_ in this book, usually meaning the act of penetration. Like some of the other words we use when we're talking about sex, it can have negative connotations and mean different things to  different people. Make sure to check in\u2014do these words mean the same to the person you're talking with? If you are using a word that brings up unpleasant images for your partner, you will want to find an alternative.\n\n#  **The Best Medicine**\n\nWe have a romantic tendency to want sex to flow flawlessly and effortlessly. The need to have it this way often leads to tension and awkwardness. The best antidote to an overdose of seriousness is laughter; I'm not talking about the inane \"dirty\" jokes that reinforce tiresome and damaging stereotypes, but loving laughter that stems from a down-to-earth feeling of joy.\n\n_The times I remember best are the times when there was laughter as well as passion._\n\n  \n\n\nWhether it's a giggle or a good, deep belly laugh, it's wonderful when lovers can roll around together in hilarity. The things that we get so anxious about, be they lack of orgasm, lack of erection, or anything else, are exactly the things that don't have to matter at all, and we need to learn to be flippant about them. If a man could look down at his limp penis and say, \"Uh-oh, looks like it's not coming out to play today,\" or a woman, instead of faking it, could say, \"I can see this orgasm out of the corner of my eye, but I think it's running the other way,\" then we'd be able to relax and have a good time, instead of fixating on what's _not_ happening.\n\n_Being goofy and playful takes me a lot further. Laughing breaks down a certain barrier that makes it possible to open up more sexually._\n\n  \n\n\nLaughter can also be part and parcel of an orgasm.\n\n_Once we were making love in a place where we had to be really quiet; when my lover came she was desperately trying to stifle her moans, but they kept breaking through as loud snorts, a mixture of laughter and sexual pleasure. We both laughed helplessly for several minutes, and the ripples of suppressed laughter shook my body just like an orgasm._\n\n  \n\n\nThese days, sex can be laden with fear of disease, and it may be difficult to be spontaneous. All the more reason to be able to laugh, as you drop the condom on the floor, or it splits as you're putting it on, or you roll off the edge of the bed as you're reaching for it.\n\n_When the telephone by the bed rang, I reflexively picked it up. It was a repairman telling me what was wrong with my computer and how difficult it would be to fix. And here I am, on my hands and knees, getting it really hard and really well doggie-style with this huge hard dick, on the verge of coming, and more or less shouting into the phone, \"Oh yeah, whatever it takes, just do it. Do it. Do it! DO IT!\" And, the nice thing was, they both listened to me and did it._\n\n#  **Embracing Our Complexity and Diversity**\n\nThere is a vast complexity of possibility in women's orgasm, varying from whole body orgasm to clitoral or vaginal, from mental orgasm to intensely emotional ones. Consequently, it's very hard to produce a definition that applies universally, and such a definition could never encompass the enormous variety of what women call orgasm. As you will discover as you read further, there are women who can come as they walk across a room, and there are women who don't come at all. There are women who started having orgasms at the age of four, and there are women who started having them at the age of sixty-four. For some women, orgasm is an integral part of their sexuality, and they expect to have several every time they make love; other women are content _not_ having orgasms in a definable way\u2014or would be content, if they weren't made to feel abnormal or freakish.\n\nHaving orgasms, or not, is a personal thing. It varies as much as any other aspect of sexuality. Some women ejaculate; some don't. Some women enjoy penetration; some don't. Some women have huge orgasms; some have little ones. Some women have multiple orgasms; some women have one; some don't have anything they identify as an orgasm. Some women just aren't particularly sexual, and others are. Learning to orgasm might be a little like learning to ride a bicycle: it's an unconscious trick of the mind in combination with the body that makes someone suddenly  able to balance, where she couldn't do so before. Releasing our passion, and managing sexual and creative energy, is not usually something that can happen on a conscious level. It is related to the healing of the whole individual. What's important for all women is to go with what our bodies want at any given time, knowing that what is true in this moment _will_ change. It may be that women who don't come, or don't come easily, are not psychologically ready to experience what the orgasm will do to them: that intense, shocking alignment of body and soul that can occur with a strong orgasm. It is a very bad idea to be invested in _making_ yourself come, or in _making_ your partner come. You can't force something that can only happen naturally, and you won't achieve anything good by trying. Life is a series of phases, and most women go through phases when they aren't particularly sexual. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with _not_ being sexual.\n\nThat said, some of us have incredible experiences when we allow free flow to our sexual energy. What follows are a few of the lyrical descriptions of orgasm that I received:\n\n _I feel the sensation of my orgasms up inside me, and all the way out to my outer lips. They're deep, pulsing, throbbing, clenching. They're emotionally overwhelming and all-consuming!_\n\n  \n\n\n_The energy builds in my pelvis, or sometimes throughout my whole body, even my brow furrows. Everything gets pulled in to the point where the energy is pushed outward; that's the point of orgasm. I most often feel it go out through my feet or straight upward from my pelvis._\n\n  \n\n\n_I feel trembly and like I'm headed to a cliff, then I'm lifted up when I come, and float back down when I'm done._\n\n  \n\n\n_I could be in a life-or-death situation and not stop if I was having an orgasm._\n\n  \n\n\n_My orgasms are a combination of water waves and electricity. The front of my body feels electrical from my shins up to my face. The rest of my body feels liquid, like waves washing through it. Exquisite is too small a word; I feel like my whole body has been hit with a baseball bat._\n\n  \n\n\n_I don't have the words for it, except that there is a buildup and then release and that I really enjoy it. Plus there is a lot of variation between orgasms; some even verge on boring but necessary._\n\n  \n\n\n_Orgasm is like a chord that resonates through my whole being, like total release, total fusion with my partner._\n\n  \n\n\n_My strongest orgasms feel like I am exploding in a ball of blue light, an intense deep blue. The lesser orgasms are like riding an undulating wave of intensity with blue flashes here and there along the way. The strongest leave me drenched in sweat, heart pounding, and exhausted. Even the lesser ones are very exciting._\n\n  \n\n\n_Orgasms are like rolling waves, sometimes sweet little ones, sometimes crashing thunder. They're about sensitivity, playfulness, love, and open sharing!_\n\n  \n\n\n_There is a feeling of surfacing, emerging (maybe like birth!)._\n\n  \n\n\n_For me, orgasm is a release of tension, especially if I'm masturbating. There are definite muscle contractions, sometimes just a few, sometimes lots and lots that go on for quite a while. A very good orgasm with a partner is just completely overwhelming\u2014I can't even begin to describe it. I can orgasm basically whenever I want to, and sometimes in only a few seconds._\n\n  \n\n\n_An orgasm feels like being possessed by power, and then being flooded by it or flooding it._\n\n  \n\n\n_Trying to describe orgasms is really difficult, like trying to describe an acid trip. I usually feel tension building up\u2014a definite tingling or tickling, mainly in the pelvic region, also in my nipples. There's a sense of shortness-of-breath, as though I'm very nervous. At the climax my whole body convulses. It feels like a rush of pleasure and heat starting with my clitoris and rushing quickly through my entire body, something like an electric shock. This happens in several waves with diminishing intensity. The first wave is very intense._\n\n  \n\n\n_Orgasm is a concentrated buzz that builds to an explosion throughout my body._\n\n  \n\n\n_Orgasm is an all-encompassing heat that increases in power and depth to an explosive and cleansing release._\n\n  \n\n\n_Orgasm is electrifying, my body held in position, frozen solid waiting for it to end, pounding, rising, warmth, elation, laughter, wild, crazy, like nothing matters except that one moment, everything else falls away. Swept up and up, a rush to beat all rushes. Trying to hold it, hold on, and slowly having it recede to end in calm contentment._\n"}
+{"input": " Write a chapter for a book about women's sexual experiences titled \"What Works, What Doesn't, and Why\". Discuss the importance of understanding female anatomy and sexual responses, including the role of emotional preparation and physical stimulation. Emphasize the diversity of sexual experiences and the need for open communication between partners. Provide detailed information about female anatomy, including the vulva, clitoris, and internal structures such as the urethral sponge and perineal sponge. Discuss different types of sexual stimulation, such as oral sex and penetration, and the importance of finding what works for each individual. Include tips for performing oral sex and the use of vibrators. Discuss the role of masturbation in understanding one's own sexual responses and the importance of self-exploration. Address common misconceptions about masturbation and the benefits of this practice. Finally, emphasize the importance of tuning in to one's own body and one's partner's body for a fulfilling sexual experience.", "response": "\n\n**CHAPTER** **2**\n\n**WHAT WORKS, WHAT DOESN'T, AND WHY**\n\n_The \"how\" of sex has to do with getting my lover to set the stage, to prepare me emotionally first\u2014to create a sense of safety, slowly, lovingly, attentively\u2014to open me up physically before approaching my genitals._\n\nSexual responses are as varied as physical appearance, and having an orgasm is by no means all that women need from sex. However, most women want to have an orgasm or two at some point, and many do need specific kinds of stimulation. Some basic information about women's anatomy might help you understand women's experiences with orgasm.\n\nWe are so hung up about and divorced from our bodies in Western culture that couples are often too embarrassed to really study one another's bodies, and end up fumbling around in the dark. Unfortunately, the erotic parts of the body don't contain magnets that will automatically draw fingers, tongues, penises, or any other desirable object to them. And fumbling doesn't generally lead to a delightfully sensual experience. Given  that women's anatomy varies so much, it's a good idea for anyone who is making love to a woman to take the time to admire what she's got between her legs and familiarize themselves with her physical parts.\n\n#  **An Anatomy Review**\n\nMany people assume that female sexual organs consist of the vagina and the clitoris. In fact, the part that is actually visible from the outside is the _vulva_ **,** which is comprised of the _inner_ and _outer labia,_ the _glans_ of the _clitoris,_ and the _clitoral hood_ (which often obscures the glans until you either pull it back, or she becomes aroused). Even today, girls may grow up in total ignorance of the existence of their clitoris and vagina; in fact, for many girls, it is the use of a tampon that first introduces them to the vagina. But if they wash down there, they know what the vulva feels like.\n\n  \n\n\n**Female Anatomy (External)**\n\nApart from the fact that knowing what is where greatly facilitates lovemaking, vulvas are beautiful to look at. Sadly, it is not just those who love women who need to learn to love vulvas, it is also the women who own them; many of us are repulsed by our own genitals. How can you experience sex as loving when you feel that way about your sexual parts? There are plenty of ways to go about learning to love yourself. First, familiarize yourself with your own vulva, using a mirror. You can put the mirror on the floor and squat over it, and then pull your lips aside with your fingers to see what's really there. You may also want to check out what you look like when you are aroused because the color and shape can change quite dramatically.\n\nFemale genitals vary enormously in size, shape, color, and amount of hair. Familiarizing yourself with other women's genitals will reassure you that yours aren't weird. If you don't want to or aren't able to do this firsthand, there are several books with excellent illustrations. The best of these is _Femalia_ (edited by Joani Blank, published by Last Gasp). Other suggestions are listed in the Resources.\n\n  \n\n\n**Female Anatomy (Internal)**\n\nKnowledge of anatomy also helps to make sense of sexual response. The clitoris is actually much bigger than the little nub of hard flesh (the glans) that I manipulated to achieve my first orgasm. The clitoris consists of hard tissue with legs (or wings, technically referred to as _crura)_ that extend into the walls of the vagina and are surrounded by spongy tissue that swells when a woman is aroused. When the clitoris is erect the glans gets bigger and protrudes from under its hood.\n\nThe _perineal sponge_ is a pad of spongy erectile tissue that lies between the rectum and the rear wall of the vagina, and the _urethral sponge_ is another pad of spongy erectile tissue that lies between the urethral canal (which leads to the bladder) and the front wall of the vagina. They can both be felt through the walls of the vagina, and they tend to be the most erotically sensitive parts of the vagina. The part of the urethral sponge that you can feel from inside the vagina is known as the _G-spot._ It is homologous to the male prostate gland, and some women find it to be highly sensitive.\n\nThe sexual organs are supported by a sling of muscle called the _pubococcygeal,_ or _PC_ , _muscle_.\n\nThe word _clitoris_ is occasionally used as a catch-all term that refers to all of a woman's sex organs. I think this is a little confusing, but it does help to change the ridiculous perception that female genitalia consist of separate and distinct parts. The whole area is interconnected with an intricate web of muscles, nerves, and blood vessels. When the glans of the clitoris is stimulated, _all_ of her erectile tissue, including the urethral sponge and the perineal sponge, will probably swell, and vice versa.\n\nThe urethral opening is between the vaginal entrance and the clitoral hood. You can see it if you pull your inner labia apart; it is a small hole, with a slight mound around it. Laura, a nurse, reports that once she had a female patient whose urethral opening was actually inside her vagina and therefore not visible at all. So if your anatomy is different, it doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong.\n\nThe urethral opening may be quite sensitive to touch. Many women find it very arousing to be stroked in that area.\n\nThe vagina is often thought of as a hole. In fact, the only time it is visible as a hole is when the erectile tissue around the entrance is engorged, which usually happens when a woman is very aroused. At other times the entrance to the vagina may be quite difficult to find. If you're searching in vain for your partner's vagina, it probably means your partner is not yet  sufficiently aroused or ready for penetration. Moreover, in its resting state, the vagina is not an empty space. The muscles that form the walls of the vagina lie against each other, so that there is no space between them. As a woman becomes aroused, the muscles contract and pull away from each other, forming a cave.\n\n#  **An Oral Review**\n\nMany women find the glans of the clitoris too sensitive to take any direct touch. You can have plenty of fun stimulating the clitoris in different ways: grasping the shaft between your fingers; stroking the place at the base of the inner lips where the legs of the clitoris lie under the skin; stroking the glans just above or below the hood, or through the labia (which are fairly stretchy). Often there is a very specific spot, usually to one side of the glans, that's more sensitive than any other. Ask!\n\nUsing your tongue on any of the same places can be wonderful. Many women tend to be paranoid that their lovers don't like going down on them. However, all the men who filled in the men's questionnaire said they did. Here are responses from a few of them:\n\n _Cunnilingus is usually my favorite part of sex._\n\n  \n\n\n_Oh yes, that's my favorite part; I do that at least 90 percent of the time._\n\n  \n\n\n_Very much so, I rarely engage in any sexual activity that doesn't include it._\n\n  \n\n\n_YES! I do it at least as often as she will let me._\n\n  \n\n\n_YESSSSSSS! I do it as often as I can. God, I do love it._\n\nIn spite of these enthusiastic testimonies, many women are not able to enjoy cunnilingus because they are afraid they smell or taste bad. Plenty of unasked-for reassurance from a lover should relieve some of the anxiety. Usually a woman's negative feelings about herself can be traced to having been told that \"down there\" is \"dirty.\" You can reverse this dreadful conditioning by smelling and tasting yourself after you've bathed. Slide your finger inside your vagina and then smell and taste your own juices. When you've decided that, after all, it's not so awful, then do the same thing at different times of the day. Try it at different times in your cycle. Women's smells tend to alter throughout the month. Get to know yourself. And remember, even if you decide that you don't particularly like your smell or taste, that doesn't mean your lover will agree with you. Ask.\n\nEvery human being has his or her own distinct personal odor, and North Americans tend to have an especially strong paranoia about their body smells. Although we may not be consciously aware of it, personal odor may play an important part in sexual attraction. We all sweat, and we'd be in a sorry state if we didn't, since it is an essential bodily function. You may very well find yourself dripping with sweat during a great sexual encounter. I am certainly not recommending that you abandon good personal hygiene habits, but I am suggesting that if you insist on maintaining ladylike behavior at all times, you may be cheating yourself out of a passionate sexual experience.\n\nWomen who have had very negative sexual experiences, whether consciously recalled or not, may have negative associations with anything that reminds them of sex. The sense of smell is the most primal of all the senses, which means that it is the one most likely to key into the subconscious and bring up intense feelings you never knew were there. In other words, if you cannot get over your dislike of the smell of sex, or the smell of your own sexual organs, it may be because the smell triggers some feelings of abhorrence that are not so much about the smell itself, but about sex. This may be because you've had some very unpleasant experiences around sex, or it may be because of the fear and disgust around sex that we inherit from our culture.\n\nThe best antidote to that fear and disgust is the experience of enjoyment through sexual stimulation, and well-executed oral stimulation is one of the most reliable ways of experiencing pleasure for most women. But performing oral sex on a woman is not necessarily as easy as you might think. Linda believes that men are misled by pornographic films:\n\n _In porn movies they show the actors attacking a woman's vulva, licking just like a cat's tongue in a bowl of milk. That's okay when you are just on the edge of orgasm, but not to start out with!_\n\nI asked several women how they would instruct someone to perform oral sex on them. Here are some of their replies:\n\n _Play with the tip of my clitoris with the tip of your tongue._\n\n  \n\n\n_I like oral sex to be fairly gentle; my clitoris is really sensitive. I want to feel that slickness._\n\n  \n\n\n_I can only come with oral stimulation. I want him to suck and bite my clit a lot._\n\n  \n\n\n_I like my clitoris to be licked, usually gently at first, but then with varying degrees of pressure and speed. I prefer one or two fingers inside me later on in the process. I don't really like having the rest of my vulva licked, or a tongue inside my vagina, or my clitoris being sucked. (And definitely no teeth!)_\n\n  \n\n\n_I guess I would tell her to give me a long, slow, gentle kiss, pretending my clit was her tongue. Then when I'm about to come, I like to be slowly entered with a finger or two._\n\n  \n\n\n_Use the tip of your tongue really lightly and slowly around and on my clit._\n\n  \n\n\n_I want my partner to start by kissing my belly, working down to my pussy. Then s/he should lightly run the tip of his/her tongue from my anus to the top of my clit, teasing me. Then s/he should stick his/her tongue in my vagina deep and hard, before moving up to my clit. I like having my clit licked, kissed, bitten gently, and manually stroked while fingers explore my G-spot and my anus. I also like to know that my partner enjoys what s/he is doing; verbal acknowledgement is great and turns me on even more._\n\nSome women stress the importance of rhythm and speed:\n\n _I want my clitoris stimulated gently and rhythmically while she's talking dirty to me and penetrating my vagina deeply and slowly and rhythmically._\n\n  \n\n\n_I always want it done rhythmically; find one rhythm and don't change it._\n\n  \n\n\n_I need a gradual rhythmic increase in speed and pressure on my clit._\n\nSometimes it takes perseverance.\n\n_I only have clitoral orgasms from using my own hand or from someone going down on me. Some of my lovers haven't been willing to stay down long enough\u2014it usually takes fifteen or twenty minutes. Not everyone does it right, and I'm shy about asking for what I want._\n\nThere is a small percentage of women who aren't turned on by oral sex, so be sure to ask first.\n\n_Clitoral stimulation by another person just doesn't seem to work all that well. I find receiving oral sex to be frustrating and somewhat boring, because no matter how intense it is, I never really come from it. Manual stimulation of my clit is actually an impediment to orgasm, strangely enough._\n\n  \n\n\n_I need my clitoris to be stimulated by hand: oral stimulation mostly doesn't work for me. It has to be very direct and at first fairly hard stimulation, lighter as I get closer to orgasm. I orgasm more easily if my nipples are being stimulated at the same time as my clitoris._\n\n**A DIFFERENT KIND OF BLOW JOB**\n\n**Another technique that works for some women is blowing on the genital area. This provides a pleasant tickling effect. Try putting your lips around the clitoris or the labia and \"buzzing\" with them. Also try having a hot cup of tea or some other liquid nearby; take a mouthful, hold it, and then dribble it slowly over her clitoral area or squirt it into her vagina. (Yes, it'll make the bed wet, so what?) You can try the same thing with cold water or chunks of ice, but be careful\u2014I have found that ice on my genital area is painful and makes me tighten up, whereas heat feels glorious and makes me relax.**\n\n#  **Penetration**\n\nYou may very well find that those who don't like oral sex really enjoy penetration. Chapter Nine is all about penetration, but here are a few pointers:\n\nIt is common to want slow penetration combined with clitoral stimulation.\n\n_I find that I must have my clitoris stimulated in order to reach orgasm, but the orgasms are deeper if I am also penetrated vaginally._\n\n  \n\n\n_I need penetration and clitoral stimulation._\n\n  \n\n\n_I orgasm most often when my clit is being stimulated orally and when I'm being penetrated anally. I orgasm best when I am slowly worked toward a climax._\n\nThe sensations of penetration vary greatly, depending on how excited the woman is; what she is being penetrated with; whether it is being held still or moved around; whether it's curved or straight; how it's being moved (in and out, round and round, slow or fast, long deep strokes or short ones, all the way out or not quite); and at what angle it is being held. It can be very exciting to be penetrated with something as small as a finger if the finger is doing the right thing, which, again, varies from woman to woman.  A few women might always want to be filled up with something large. The shape of the object makes a big difference too. If it gets bigger towards the base it may be more uncomfortable for some women. Other women like a bigger base.\n\n#  **How to Ask**\n\nThe personal accounts that appear throughout the book paint a very varied picture of what women like. So don't use the same formula on everyone. Each partner is an individual. Ask her what she wants. Of course, this isn't always as easy as it seems. A number of men pointed out in their questionnaires that it sometimes feels tacky to ask, \"Did you come?\" But there are plenty of other ways to find out if your partner had a good time. Try, \"Would you have preferred to stop sooner than we did?\" Or, \"Would you like to have gone on longer?\" What follows is a list of questions for partners to ask after a lovemaking session. Most women find these relatively easy to respond to:\n\n\u2022 Was my rhythm too fast / slow / irregular?\n\n\u2022 Would you have liked me to stay longer on your clitoris?\n\n\u2022 Was I in the right spot?\n\n\u2022 Would you have liked more general or more specific stimulation?\n\n\u2022 Did I use enough lube?\n\n\u2022 Did I enter you too soon or would you have liked me inside you earlier?\n\n\u2022 Do you like trying different positions, and if so, which?\n\n\u2022 Would you have liked me to use something else inside you?\n\n\u2022 What other ways would you like me to touch you another time, that I didn't this time?\n\n\u2022 Were there ways you would have liked to touch me?\n\nIf you are a woman who wants to ask for these things, you can turn them around and say:\n\n\u2022 I tend to have even stronger orgasms when\u2026\n\n\u2022 You can make me come very quickly if you\u2026\n\n\u2022 I loved it when you\u2026, and you could have done that longer.\n\n\u2022 Would it have been okay with you if I had put my hand on my clit / used a vibrator / asked you to go down on me / slowed you down / asked you to stop?\n\n\u2022 Do you like to use your fingers inside a woman? Let me show you the most sensitive part of my vagina.\n\nOr any other tactful way of suggesting that you could have even more fun next time. In my opinion it is always best to offer suggestions from the beginning of the relationship; otherwise you could get stuck in a monotonous routine, and it becomes a very big deal to change. One creative way to get a clear picture of what excites your partner is to have her or him literally draw a diagram of their arousal. This can provide you with some surprising insights, since we often make unquestioned assumptions about what is going on for our partners. The two drawings opposite are by Jesse and myself. Mine represents a masturbation session; in hers, I am the doer and she is the receiver. Fifteen minutes into it I answered the telephone and had a ten minute conversation about gardening. As you can see, this interruption did not curtail Jesse's arousal, even though I paid her little attention while I was on the phone. I had assumed that her arousal would drop when I stopped stimulating her\u2014and I was wrong.\n\n#  **Masturbation**\n\nThe vast majority of women and men have their first orgasms through masturbating, and some women only come through masturbation. I strongly recommend that all women learn about pleasuring themselves. There are lots of good reasons for masturbating. It can be a great way to reverse any negative messages we may have about sex, and about our bodies. It is also wonderful to find out how much pleasure you can experience without being dependent on someone else. Getting to know your own body is liberating and empowering, and can be a great help in achieving sexual pleasure with a partner. Not only is it a source of enjoyment, it can increase your self-confidence, and it costs nothing. It can also be a straightforward and effective way to release tension.\n\n_**There is absolutely no known harm that can come to you through masturbation.**_\n\nAlas, we live in a society that is loaded with taboos about masturbation. In the early 20th century, it was still thought to be responsible for making women hysterical, and surgical removal of the clitoris and the outer lips was sometimes undertaken to remedy the \"problem.\" Women occasionally think that their labia look strange or abnormal, and imagine this to be the result of masturbation. In fact, some women simply happen to have labia that are long or uneven. You are not going to physically alter anything down there by masturbating. Nor will you grow hair on your palms, nor will you go blind, nor will you get addicted. Self-pleasuring is a perfectly natural pastime. Young babies have been observed rocking themselves to orgasm. All of us would probably indulge in it if we weren't trained not to. _There is absolutely no known harm that can come to you through masturbation;_ it's the damage that is inflicted on our psyches by an uptight society that's harmful.\n\nHaving said all that, it's still true that many women just can't bring themselves to relax into the joy of self-stimulation.\n\n_I do try to masturbate from time to time, especially in the bath. It seems hard to get any satisfaction; I can feel myself coming and enjoy it but I can end up feeling frustrated._\n\n  \n\n\n_Touching myself just didn't feel good to me._\n\nSometimes it's a very poor second to having a partner, and may even make us more aware that we are alone.\n\n_Sometimes masturbating makes me cry and feel exceedingly lonely!_\n\nSome women masturbate every day or more, others only masturbate once or twice a month. How much a woman masturbates will probably vary throughout her life, depending on whether she's with a partner, what her general health is like, what else is going on in her life, and what her hormones are doing. Most people masturbate because they want an orgasm, but that's not always the case. Since Rita doesn't orgasm, I asked her what she gets out of masturbating:\n\n _I like the sensations. I find it cool that my body can do that, can get aroused and feel things._\n\nClara, who had her first orgasm when she was forty-one, says she used to masturbate in phases as a teenager, usually in the bathroom, since her sexual desire was often connected with the sensation of peeing:\n\n _I'd get this intense, acute feeling in my clitoris, and I'd masturbate to relieve it. Sometimes it got rid of the feeling and sometimes it didn't._\n\nThe kinds of orgasm a woman experiences through masturbation may be quite different from the kind she has with a partner.\n\n_When I'm masturbating I have intense but more localized and shorter orgasms._\n\nThere are many different ways to masturbate and many different things to masturbate with. You don't have to be on your own to masturbate; it can be exciting and very satisfying with a partner.\n\n_I am in an eight-year monogamous relationship with a woman. After an exchange of \"foreplay,\" stroking and whatever, we masturbate to orgasm at the same time, together. We find this very satisfying. Our relationship is based on mutual interests, sharing, and support, rather than on sex. It wasn't until we were in our forties that we had the emotional maturity to consider sex in other than conventional ways._\n\n  \n\n\n_I've used my hand, a vibrator, and water pressure to masturbate with. When I'm masturbating, I need to fantasize to come unless my partner is stimulating me by touching my breasts._\n\nMany women find their bodies are a lot readier for orgasm when they haven't had one in a while.\n\n_It helps if I haven't had sex for a month or so._\n\nBut most women report that the more accustomed they are to having orgasms, the more easily they have them.\n\n_Sex is like chocolate\u2014the more you have, the more you want._\n\n#  **Vibrators**\n\nVibrators can be a quick and easy way to give yourself or someone else an orgasm. Even if you come reliably other ways, you may find yourself having a new and different kind of orgasm with a vibrator, and some women only come with the use of a vibrator:\n\n _Using a vibrator makes an orgasm inescapable, which is the greatest. I love to feel like an orgasm is coming to get me\u2014no pun intended._\n\n  \n\n\n_I rarely achieve an orgasm without using my vibrator._\n\n  \n\n\n_When I masturbate, the direct route is a good quality AC-powered vibrator applied directly to my clit with a great deal of stimulation. There's no subtlety here at all, just sheer intensity._\n\n  \n\n\n_I had my first orgasm when I was eighteen and I'd just bought a vibrator, one of those cheesy battery-powered ones. It took me maybe two minutes to have my very first orgasm and I was thrilled. I went through several sets of batteries and two vibrators in the next few weeks._\n\nDifferent kinds of vibrators, even if they seem to have similar kinds of vibration, can have very different effects. Some just make me numb, so that I can't come from any kind of stimulation after a few minutes of use. It's frustrating and not particularly pleasant. Be prepared to try more than one brand. The smaller, cheaper, battery-powered models may never bring on an orgasm by themselves, but they can be great as an addition to other kinds of stimulation. Various attachments are available to put on the end of a vibrator for anal or vaginal penetration.\n\nBut plenty of people don't like them:\n\n _Vibrators are too intense, too noisy, and physically irritating._\n\n  \n\n\n_I tried a vibrator once and found it completely uninteresting._\n\n#  **Variety of Pleasures**\n\nAlmost any part of the body can be erotically sensitive if it is given attention. Sensuality is an aspect of sexuality, and any sexual encounter can be enhanced by keying into sensual desire.\n\n_I had a very intense orgasm once when my clitoris, my vagina, and my toes were all being stimulated simultaneously._\n\nIn particular, many women have extremely sensitive nipples.\n\n_I can orgasm just from having my nipples touched and stroked, then sucked intensely._\n\nSome women need to have their bodies in particular positions.\n\n_I come with my legs open, having my clitoris touched. I must be relaxed and free of stress._\n\n  \n\n\n_I like to be on my knees or to have my legs bent and my body at ninety degrees to my legs._\n\n  \n\n\n_I can orgasm standing, sitting, lying on my side, or on my back or my front, but I nearly always want my legs closed together._\n\n  \n\n\n_I must have my legs stretched out to come._\n\n  \n\n\n_My orgasms are intensified when I am physically restrained or imagining that I am._\n\nAlthough many women said that they need a slow and powerful lead-in to a climax, good orgasms don't necessarily arise from a stunning buildup.\n\n_My partner and I generally have very good orgasms but pretty pedestrian sex. We do the same things most of the time\u2014cuddling, kissing, and playing first, followed by penetration with him on top, then turning on our sides with him rubbing his penis against my clitoris until I reach climax. Then we move back to the man-ontop position that he likes best until he reaches climax. I sometimes have a second orgasm then. We don't vary this routine too much because it works well. Whenever we try a different technique it usually turns out to be less satisfactory._\n\nMany women report that they cannot come without using either their own hand or a vibrator, and this often causes them angst when they are with a lover, even though it's not at all unusual.\n\n_I need clitoral stimulation from my fingers and/or a vibrator \"driven\" by me, plus vaginal intercourse._\n\nThanks to the variations in female anatomy, there are some women who get as much stimulation as they want from their lover's body rubbing on the clitoris while his penis is inside her.\n\n_I am most likely to come from intercourse with a man; clitoral stimulation is pretty dicey and usually not that much fun for me when someone else is doing it._\n\nBut, in general, the best position for a woman during intercourse is when she is on top, allowing her to situate herself so that she gets exactly the right amount of pressure on her clitoris, and giving her control of the angle and speed of stimulation.\n\n_I found that the only way I've ever orgasmed is if I'm on top of my partner with him penetrating my vagina._\n\n  \n\n\n_I'm more likely to come during intercourse if I'm on top, as if that position is physiologically more conducive to orgasms._\n\nWhen a woman is on top she may also touch her own clitoris quite easily. And the same goes for lying side-by-side.\n\nMany women do not come from vaginal stimulation alone. Clitoral stimulation certainly sweeps the board as the primary method of coming, whether it's done by the woman herself or by her lover, whether it's before, during, or after penetration.\n\n_I have clitoral orgasms from consistent stimulation, oral or manual, to the area around the clitoris. It must be lubricated, and preferably some variation in pace and type of stimulation with more rapid stimulation as orgasm becomes imminent._\n\n  \n\n\n_I want a rapid back-and-forth stimulation (manual or oral) of my clitoris, starting slowly, with increasing speed and pressure. Actually, as I consider it, not so directly on the clitoris but sort of at the top of the clitoral shaft._\n\n  \n\n\n_I like my clitoris stroked gently when I am well on my way to orgasm._\n\n  \n\n\n_I have big orgasms, usually from oral sex, that are very intense, last longer, and involve a full body shudder._\n\n  \n\n\n_I usually come from receiving oral sex, combined with anal or vaginal stimulation._\n\n#  **One Is Not Always Enough**\n\nJust because a woman orgasms once doesn't necessarily mean she is done.\n\n_I like penetration for a good long time if I'm in the mood, but my lover tends to want to join in with her orgasm after a while, so even though I experience orgasm I often feel it could be taken a lot further._\n\n  \n\n\n_Clitoral stimulation can lead to orgasm without ejaculation. Then sometimes further stimulation leads to ejaculation and total release._\n\n  \n\n\n_I do relish the caring and persistent and clever lover whose activities produce successive orgasmic waves._\n\n#  **Emotional Erogenous Zones**\n\nBeing in love and feeling attracted to our partners are often considered important elements of orgasm. And sometimes our feelings for a partner can preclude the need to come.\n\n_I usually expect to experience orgasm when I'm with someone, but I'm not attached because I can bring myself to orgasm later if needed. It's the connection that's more important._\n\n  \n\n\n_Lots of things bring me to orgasm, but my most pleasurable and intense orgasmic experiences happen when I feel emotionally close and connected with my lover: when everything is rowing harmoniously between us, allowing us to open up to deeper and more sensual physical pleasure, including orgasm._\n\n  \n\n\n_If I'm feeling good and am very attracted to my partner, then I have intense multiple orgasms._\n\n  \n\n\n_It helps if I trust my partner and am not withholding emotions like anger._\n\n  \n\n\n_I come most easily when I'm in love._\n\nSome women made it clear that they don't have to know their partners well, or that sex is even hotter when the partner is new.\n\n_The sex is usually better if I'm in love and lust with the woman, but I have had big orgasms with women in the past who I didn't fancy but who really touched the right points in me._\n\n  \n\n\n_Deep love and trust mean I'm more likely to experience intense orgasms, as does that kind of wild sexual chemistry I experience with some women, whether I've just met them or known them a long time._\n\nSeveral women said that the experience of the lover, and his or her ability to communicate, counts for a lot.\n\n_I am most likely to orgasm when my partner is an experienced lovemaker who knows a woman's body and listens to what I tell him, not someone who simply assumes that he knows what will please me because it is what pleased other women._\n\n  \n\n\n_I like to be teased._\n\n  \n\n\n_Words help too, to be told I'm gorgeous, that various parts of me are beautiful._\n\n  \n\n\n_I orgasm when I surrender to the experience._\n\nA number of women stressed the importance of being relaxed and comfortable.\n\n_When I'm relaxed and don't have a lot on my mind, I can definitely come more easily._\n\nSome women need complete privacy and assurance that they won't be disturbed.\n\n_I need to be assured that no one besides my partner can hear me or know I'm being sexual._\n\nMany women have told me that what never fails to excite them is feeling and seeing their partner's excitement.\n\n_In order for me to orgasm, I need to know my partner is excited._\n\nLaughter is an ingredient that makes everything taste better.\n\n_I find humor to be a part of the turn-on. Much more memorable and erotic than just good technique._\n\nSome women need to be allowed or need to allow themselves to fantasize.\n\n_I need some level of power play between my partner and myself._\n\n  \n\n\n_I orgasm most easily if I allow myself to fantasize about being \"overtaken\" by animals._\n\n#  **Tuning In**\n\nFor many of us, what's happening on a psychic and emotional level is very important. This is really what foreplay means to some women: taking the time to experience and build the energy on all levels, not just the physical.\n\n_It may be that sex is not so much a body thing for me, so what someone does to me is not necessarily very important as long as their intentions are good._\n\n  \n\n\n_Sex for me is about union and connection and power exchange._\n\n  \n\n\n_Sex is not merely genital, but energetic; the whole person is involved, not just a bundle of nerve endings._\n\n  \n\n\n_I find the pacing, the arousal in tandem with my lover, the gestures, and courtship (from romantic to dirty) to be essential. Lots and lots and lots of foreplay, all day, all week, words, gestures, one finger touching one place._\n\nBeing tuned in to your lover is vital. I have only had one lover who could reliably make me come with her hand. When I asked her what her secret was, she said, \"Somehow I plug into your experience so that I experience what I am doing to you as though I were you.\"\n\nAnd being tuned in to your own body is just as important. Anna Marti says:\n\n _For me the challenge is to daily inhabit my body in ways that I become totally engaged, whether working, eating, loving, or playing, because the erotic experience truly is about every cell in my body becoming involved, directing my mind and my heart so that my body may become involved; the sexual, creative, ecstatic cells are not solely located in the genitals._\n\nIf you manage all this, maybe you will have orgasms like these:\n\n _Quite often during clitoral stimulation it will feel as if my partner has just found a particular spot that pierces up through me, which then sets off waves rolling down on me (I don't know what the waves are\u2014sort of like warm internal strokes). An intense orgasm will combine these physical waves with waves of emotion, and very occasionally these will be strong enough to make me cry. When the clitoral situation is combined with penetration, the orgasm is more about a sense of completion and wholeness._\n\n  \n\n\n_I can lose myself completely in a powerful orgasm. It's like being ripped out from inside. It's like planets colliding. Yes, the earth moves, but not before the Milky Way dissolves._\n"}
+{"input": " Write a chapter for a book about the physical experience of orgasm. Discuss the different types of orgasm women may have, including clitoral and vaginal orgasms. Address the misconceptions about these types of orgasms and emphasize the importance of individual experiences and preferences. Provide examples of different types of orgasm based on women's personal experiences, such as physical buildup and release, emotional components, and spiritual ecstasy. Discuss the challenges of describing an orgasm and the importance of finding the language to do so. Address the myth of the definitive orgasm and the cultural factors that have contributed to this myth. Provide tips for enhancing the orgasm experience, such as focusing on the whole body and being tuned in to one's partner. Discuss the experience of multiple orgasms and how they can vary for different women. Provide examples of different types of multiple orgasms, including larger and longer orgasms, and constant orgasms during all-night lovemaking sessions. Address the misconception that all women should experience multiple orgasms and emphasize the importance of individual experiences and preferences. Provide tips for enhancing the multiple orgasm experience, such as taking breaks between orgasms and focusing on different types of stimulation.", "response": "\n\n**CHAPTER** **3**\n\n**THE PHYSICAL EXPERIENCE OF ORGASM**\n\n_I think the main difference in the types of orgasm I have has to do with how involved I feel. I can have orgasms from clitoral stimulation which just feel like physical buildup and release (also true of masturbation even when it involves penetration). These orgasms generally feel confined to my genital area. Orgasms induced by my partner licking, stroking, and penetrating me, I feel through my whole body, and they are likely to have a stronger emotional component. They are the sort that leave me feeling more cleansed and released. Sometimes I'll have an orgasm while making love to someone else from rubbing against them or hearing them. Those usually feel like a sort of fizz up through my body, and they're physical rather than emotional (although, of course, they have power / excitement connotations)._\n\n_When I have multiple orgasms they are a mixture of types, for instance, a couple of little ones followed by a big \"emotional\" one or vice versa._\n\n  \n\n\n_I have unlimited types of orgasm: sometimes they involve the whole of me, sometimes just specific parts. The most wonderful ones are when each one of my muscles tightens and then releases._\n\n  \n\n\n_Each orgasm is different\u2014some give merely physical release; some are spiritual ecstasy. At its best, there is a slow, exquisite buildup that feels increasingly electrical, where gradually more and more parts of my body get \"involved\" in the buildup, where I begin to feel down to the cells of my body, and up to the spirit of my heart, like a whirlpool that spins wider and deeper._\n\n  \n\n\nWhen I first began asking women to explain what exactly went on for them when they were being sexual, many had very little to say. They didn't have the language to describe their feelings and sensations. But as the interviews progressed, their words started to flow. In the end, everyone said they found the process of sexual arousal fascinating to think and talk about in detail, especially when they had the opportunity to listen to other women.\n\nIt's not surprising that finding the words to describe an orgasm is initially difficult, because we have been trained to avoid thinking about our bodies and our feelings. In fact we are trained not to verbalize our sexual experiences at all. Thus it is initially uncomfortable to try to bring our sexual feelings into the mental realm; we would often prefer to keep them unfocused, blurry. A great deal of the feedback I got from the questionnaire was embarrassment. Some women dismissed it, saying, \"Oh, there's already been so much written about sex.\" Others openly acknowledged that they didn't even want to read through the questionnaire because it made them think about sex more than they liked to. In many cases it was clear that the discomfort went as far as real shame. Apparently the sex-negative attitudes of our society extend even to thinking about sex.\n\n#  **The Myth of the Definitive Orgasm**\n\nFreud defined two types of female orgasm: vaginal and clitoral. He claimed that as a woman matured, she would\u2014or should\u2014transfer the site of her orgasm from the clitoris to the vagina. In other words, she should experience orgasm as a result of intercourse, and not as a result of clitoral stimulation. What we must remember is that Freud was only relaying what  the men of his time wanted to believe. They didn't want to hear that intercourse is only one form of sexual play and that most women prefer a variety. They didn't want to be responsible for their partner's pleasure. They just wanted to hear that it was their job to get on top and pump away until they themselves came, and if the woman didn't come in that time, she was inadequate, and it certainly wasn't a male's responsibility to do anything differently.\n\nAlthough many of the women I spoke with certainly experience intense pleasure from vaginal penetration, relatively few come without clitoral stimulation. They say either that they have lots of different kinds of orgasm, or that the difference is not in where the orgasm originates, but in its intensity; or that they like to have vaginal stimulation when they are having a \"clitoral\" orgasm; or that they need to have clitoral stimulation in order to have a \"vaginal\" orgasm. Many said they could not equate their experience of orgasm with what was being done to them, because there were far too many other factors involved. Some had their own classifications that had nothing to do with clitoral or vaginal categories.\n\n_I have two different kinds of orgasm. One is created by tension and the other is more relaxed. The tension type are more electrical; the relaxed ones are like riding a wave._\n\n  \n\n\n_Mine vary. Some are quiet as a sigh. Some are tumultuous\u2014a tension building, pure delight, anticipation, everything concentrated upon sensation, and then waves of release, pleasure, joy\u2014and then, a new tension, a new peak, total incandescent energy._\n\nIn other words, a strict separation into vaginal and clitoral is an artificial and very misleading division, imposed from a male perspective. However, it is a classification that has been widely used, and the clitoris and the vagina are the two areas of female anatomy that have been identified as the centers of erotic sensation. I believe it is a mistake to think of the vagina as one organ and the clitoris as another separate organ. They are parts of the same structure.\n\nMost women I interviewed were rather vague when I asked if they had separate vaginal and clitoral orgasms, and I had to ask several times;  even then the clearest distinction I got was usually very qualified. Women on the verge of orgasm are often experiencing diffuse sensations that permeate their whole genital area and sometimes their whole body. And they may react quite differently to the same stimuli from one day to the next, depending on many variables, such as who is touching them and what with, or the time of the month, or how relaxed they were prior to being sexual.\n\n_I don't have one sensation of orgasm but many, depending on many things: whether it's the first or the twenty-fifth, whether I relax and let the sensations just roll over me, what kind of lead-in there is, if it's just purely a physical response, and so on._\n\n  \n\n\n_Different things cause different orgasms\u2014an intense vibrator can cause an explosive one whereas a timid, battery-operated vibrator will make an irritatingly fluttery and less-than-complete feeling._\n\n  \n\n\n_The most common kind of orgasms I have are several little clitoral / vaginal pulsating ones in a row. With penetration I have a deep orgasm that involves uterine contractions. Multiple orgasms are like little shuddering quakes._\n\n  \n\n\n_I like to have fast, hard orgasms during my period to relieve my cramps. If I'm masturbating (which I do most every day) and I'm tired, then it usually takes a lot of buildup and I have one or two big spasms. I have long orgasms with my partner\u2014they feel deep (even without penetration), they last a long time, and they make me shiver for several minutes afterward._\n\nWomen who do not come easily are much more likely to be able to be specific about what they need, but they're also unlikely to identify with the separation between clitoral and vaginal orgasms. _None_ of the women I spoke with related to the value judgment that women should cease to have clitoral orgasms as they matured.\n\nOf the women I have personally been sexual with, there is one woman who came close to fitting the pattern of having truly distinct vaginal and clitoral orgasms. Judy's orgasms are clearly defined: one comes from clitoral  stimulation only and the other comes from vaginal stimulation only, and the sensations associated with each one are quite distinct. What is interesting about her sexual responses is that, because she has such distinct vaginal and clitoral orgasms, and never mixes the two kinds of stimulation, her descriptions of them are very articulate, whereas none of the other women I spoke to could separate them with such precision. Even women who did define separate kinds of orgasm were rarely able to say categorically what kind of stimulation would lead to which kind of orgasm. Judy's unswerving clarity about this was unique among the women I interviewed:\n\n _I have a clitoral orgasm either from having oral sex performed or from using my hand on my clitoris. I don't want penetration when I'm having my clitoris stimulated; I find it distracting and not particularly pleasant. This kind of orgasm wracks my body; it pulls me forward and keeps coming in a series of waves. My abdominal muscles spasm, curling me up, pulling me in. l feel lines of electricity running down my legs and into my abdomen and chest. The energy feels very central, like a core inside me, and from there it spreads to different parts of my body. After one clitoral orgasm my clit is way too sensitive to be touched any more, so I have one big one, and that's it._\n\n_Vaginal orgasms are a going-out energy; they feel like an expulsive thing. I'm so into the sensation of penetration that I really want my lover to concentrate all her energy on that, and I don't really want her to touch my clitoris. My vaginal orgasms are multiple, and each succeeding one gets more intense as I have them, until my whole body shudders and vibrates, from my head down to my feet or my feet up to my head. How many I have depends on my lover's stamina. I'm not sure how many I can have, maybe up to ten._\n\n_A clitoral orgasm has a mental connection. I have to feel an element of safety and vulnerability. I can't let my body go in the same way, like I can with a vaginal orgasm. I can't be disconnected. I need my head and my heart involved. With vaginal orgasms, sometimes just my body is involved, my entire body, outside as well as inside. They are coarser, more external, more flesh and blood, more body, less energetic._\n\nCarol is fairly typical of many women: although she enjoys both kinds of stimulation, she's not able to be specific about what would make one or the other kind of orgasm occur.\n\n_I definitely have different kinds, and I guess I'd divide them into vaginal and clitoral. But I always have to have some kind of clitoral stimulation, even for a vaginal orgasm. These are more emotional and intense; they are deep, constricting, pounding. I feel the contractions far inside. The waves from orgasm can go on for more than a minute sometimes, and then I can have another one, often five or six. The second one is always stronger than the first. I can sometimes have these without penetration, just from long, hard clitoral stimulation. But if I'm being penetrated, I'm sure to have a vaginal orgasm. The clitoral orgasms are sort of an electrical jolt, and sometimes they're just like a blip. They're more a surface experience._\n\nVictoria craves deep penetration, and she corroborates Carol's experience of \"blips,\" although she has a different name for them:\n\n _I've tried to like vibrators, but I just don't. My orgasms are not nearly as powerful with them, just this quick \"veeet!\"_\n\nDonna, like Carol, differentiates between clitoral and vaginal orgasms, and her vaginal orgasms are multiple, but otherwise her description of what she experiences is quite different; her clitoral orgasms are more physical and much shorter:\n\n _I have very different kinds of orgasms: I guess you could call them clitoral and vaginal. Clitoral orgasms are fast and hard, intense and short, more physical. I tend to hold my breath with them. Vaginal orgasms have more of a buildup and there's a sense of pulsing, which I think is a uterine contraction, although sometimes it's a whole-body contraction if the orgasm is more extended. I get aftershocks as well. Over several hours, they may vary a great deal. They may occur in different parts of my body, depending on what's being stimulated. All the parts of my body are sensual. I can feel orgasms from the back of my throat all the way down to my vagina, and into my legs._\n\nAndrea is typical of the many women who aren't able to make specific distinctions all the time, but she talks of clitoral orgasms as being more final:\n\n _Although my vaginal and clitoral orgasms are not always distinctly separate, sometimes I have a vaginal orgasm when my clitoris is not even awake. My clitoral orgasms are not generally multiple, but my vaginal orgasms are countless. I just fly for hours sometimes, coming over and over and over. I like to make out till I'm exhausted, and then have one big clitoral orgasm and stop. Otherwise I wouldn't know when to stop. With a clitoral one, I hold my breath tightly, and then I scream. With vaginal ones I pant a lot and breathe very deeply._\n\nOther women agree that a clitoral orgasm is more fulfilling. But Linci relates that orgasms that involve penetration are more powerful:\n\n _My clitoral orgasms are quick; they take the edge off, they're physical manipulation. Throbbing orgasms are the deepest and most intense; they're shocking. I can feel my lips ringing with the throbbing. I feel like I'm totally tripping, and I have these circulatory pulsations that go on for two or three minutes. These orgasms go on so long, they're almost continuous. I'm so totally in it. I have to have penetration in order to experience a throbber, but it doesn't have to be deep penetration._\n\n#  **Beyond Vaginal and Clitoral**\n\nDee has classified her orgasms according to her very own system, which has nothing to do with whether they are clitoral or vaginal. This was her very prompt response when I asked her if she had separate kinds of orgasms:\n\n _I have three kinds of orgasm. One I call the waterfall: it's like a whooshing out and down; the sensation goes up to my waist and then shoots downward out of my toes. Then there's the sparkler; that's like a sparkler, you know, fireworks. It emanates from my lower belly and sends sprinklies out everywhere, sideways as well as up and down. It's very white. Then there's one I call Saturn, because I feel like that's where I go. I don't have them so often, but when I do they are really exquisite. I feel them in my whole body from my head to my toes._\n\n_I nearly always have at least four orgasms at one time, and the fourth is always the best. When I have a Saturn, it's always the fourth._\n\nDee loves penetration, but she does not generally come without some kind of clitoral stimulation, even if it's fairly indirect. She didn't relate her different kinds of orgasm to what was being done to her so much as to her emotional state, and she said she could rarely project in advance which kind she was likely to have.\n\nDee's desire to have direct stimulation on her clitoris at the same time as vaginal penetration is very common. Not many women say they are able to come from vaginal penetration alone. What makes one woman able to do this when others can't? It might be simply physical differences in our bodies. In 1958, Dr. Kermit Krantz performed several autopsies on women and went to the trouble of counting the nerve endings in the pelvic area. He discovered quite enough variation in the distribution of the nerves to account for differing sexual responses.1\n\nBut, most likely, the inability to have an orgasm is a combination of physical factors and cultural conditioning from a society that has trained women to rein in their passion. I have attempted to address some of these issues in later chapters.\n\nFollowing my initial series of interviews, I identified several categories of orgasms, and I fed these categories back to the women I was interviewing. Here are some of the labels I assigned:\n\n\u2022 flying orgasms\n\n\u2022 wave orgasms\n\n\u2022 falling orgasms \n\n\u2022 pounding orgasms\n\n\u2022 surface orgasms\n\n\u2022 deep orgasms\n\n\u2022 disappearing orgasms\n\n\u2022 crying orgasms\n\n\u2022 throbbers\n\n\u2022 veets\n\n\u2022 blips\n\nThese labels were the ones that generally received the most positive response from women (such as, \"Yes, I think that describes what I experience.\"). However, they are quite arbitrary, because I invented them only as a way of encouraging women to form words to describe their orgasms. And for every woman who told me that one or more of those particular words did describe her experience, there were other women who said, \"No, I wouldn't use that word.\"\n\nI wondered if women like Dee, who define their orgasms very clearly, do so because they have been mostly with one lover, and therefore tend to stick to one particular kind of lovemaking. Dee has been monogamous for twenty years. Perhaps women who have had more lovers are more likely to have different kinds of orgasms and have a harder time defining them. But every time I form a theory about women and their orgasms, someone pops up to disprove it. Jan has had many lovers, but only has one type of orgasm.\n\n_I always assumed my orgasms were clitoral, because I have to have my clitoris stimulated to come. Then I heard people talking about a whole-body orgasm, and I realized that is what I have: my whole body is completely involved in coming. Every muscle in my body takes part in the buildup; it's like the energy has to align itself in my limbs and in my head and neck. I have to stretch out my toes, and clench my fists, and straighten my arms and legs. And when I do all that, when I have made my body into the right kind of container, then the movement of whatever it is on my clitoris takes wing and I fly like an arrow. I shoot outward, and the energy surges outward in a huge wave of light, and I'm carried on that crest of energy until I fly down the other side and there I am, all vibrating and renewed, washed clean by the energy that carried me. And then it picks me up again, and off we go, three, four, five, six or more times. The first time is often an effort\u2014I have to really work at getting my body into alignment, at opening up the channels the energy flows through, but then the second time all the doors are already open and I just fly with it. I just soar up and over. It's delightful. My whole body glows, like a lightbulb. My clitoris is the filament, but light comes from the whole bulb, which is my whole body._\n\nJan says she has to have firm and regular stimulation on her clitoris in order to come, and although simultaneous penetration isn't essential, it makes her more likely to have a powerful orgasm. Like Jan, Clara doesn't relate to having more than one kind of orgasm, and she has to have her clitoris stimulated in exactly the right manner with a vibrator. Unlike Jan, she's not interested in being penetrated when she comes.\n\n_The best orgasms start very much around my clitoris. The buildup is exquisite, and it's part of the orgasm. The anticipation tension is all consuming, as my whole being is focused on that one goal. I feel this huge tension in my thighs. Then the tension peaks and I'm riding the wave. I feel the energy deep in my womb. Then it floods down my legs and up into my belly._\n\nJesse is unable to pin down what sparks off a particular kind. She has a number of different orgasms, and I refer to some of them in other parts of the book. Here's how she defines a couple of the more unusual (and difficult) kinds:\n\n _I occasionally have disappearing orgasms: the whole buildup feels like it'll be a normal orgasm and then it's over without any release, no fireworks at the top. It may be that those are one-contraction orgasms versus what normally might be dozens, though I don't think I'm aware of the contractions as discrete events until the main part's over, and I'm having aftershocks. Maybe it's just that my body is not able to maintain and accumulate enough charge at those times and that's why they disappear._\n\n_Sometimes I have crying orgasms, like the sweetest liquid emotional pain wells up to my chest and throat, and crying and coming are the same thing\u2014they're indistinguishable._\n\nJean rarely comes without using a vibrator on her clitoris, but she relates that she has three distinct kinds of orgasms (although she also said she wasn't sure that they all qualified as such):\n\n _One is from using my vibrator directly on my clitoris, although I may often have something inside me as well. These are like going over a mountain, or riding a wave. Then there are ones that I have when someone is sucking on some part of me, such as my fingers, or my toes maybe, or my dildo if I'm wearing one, and there is some clitoral stimulation as well. Those feel like a shooting outward. I get this rushing feeling in my body. The end of the orgasm isn't the same as the first one I described. It's more like a dissipation than a complete release, leaving some tension behind. The third kind usually happens if I've been doing a lot of foreplay, and I have a strong emotional bond with my lover. These are electrical and they go through my head, taking my head off._\n\nMaluma only relates to one kind of orgasm, which occurs as a result of penetration alone, or from clitoral stimulation, or from making love to someone else.\n\n_There's a building up and a letting go at the same time, right around my clitoris. It builds and builds, and then I get the \"it's gonna happen\" feeling. I get tingleys in my clitoris, and then bigger feelings that go into my belly, and then those feelings rise up and go downward at the same time. The really good orgasms rise up through my heart and out of the top of my head. It's like I am the wave, not someone riding it. I used to only have two or three at a time, but now I have five or six._\n\nBetty also has only one kind of orgasm. She needs clitoral stimulation to come, although she also enjoys penetration, separately or simultaneously. She has one big one and that's it\u2014she doesn't want to be touched any more.\n\n_My orgasms are like an earthquake or an explosion; they explode out of me. They are a deep, pounding, clenching petit mort that radiates from my entire pelvis up and down my body in shock waves. They're like a seizure; they pick me up and throw me around. I can't imagine having more than one._\n\nLaura doesn't particularly enjoy clitoral stimulation and would never seek it out. But she loves penetration and comes copiously.\n\n_I wouldn't use the words exquisite or clenching or pounding or electrical. Maybe riding a wave. I feel it all over my body, especially in my lower belly. I get goose bumps on my head and neck. I ejaculate a lot, which embarrasses me. I normally have probably five to seven, and the third and fourth are the strongest._\n\nIn all these accounts, only one factor seems to be consistent: women who relate to the distinction between vaginal and clitoral say that they tend to hold their breath when they are leading up to a clitoral orgasm.\n\n#  **Combination Orgasms**\n\nAn orgasm that occurs as a result of simultaneous vaginal and clitoral stimulation might be considered a combination orgasm. Wouldn't it seem logical that this would be best of all? Surprisingly enough, not many women related to combinations, and those who did presented conflicting views about them.\n\n_I have two kinds: the clitoral ones feel like the epicenter is my clitoris, whereas the focus of an orgasm when I'm being penetrated is all inside, quite different from a clitoral orgasm. When I'm being penetrated, there is a big buildup and then a release._\n\n_Everything stops at the peak. I don't like to mix the two too much. One is always more dominant._\n\n  \n\n\n_For a clitoral orgasm, I absolutely need direct clitoral stimulation. A clitoral orgasm has a slower buildup. I get more tense leading up to clitoral orgasms. I hold my breath, and it's a very long come, but not multiple. It can last half an hour or so. It's a bit like flying, and it's very much a wave._\n\n_I have vaginal orgasms without any clitoral stimulation. They're localized and I'm more likely to have them when I'm feeling relaxed. They're in my first and second chakra, and they're multiple. Combination orgasms are not multiple\u2014they are like one big clitoral orgasm with a vaginal orgasm at the same time._\n\n_A combination orgasm is an all-encompassing experience. It builds, then goes down, then up. It doesn't go out my feet. In fact, it doesn't go anywhere\u2014it comes! I don't really want to call it energy\u2014it's more like power, and it feels very active, the way it surges down my legs._\n\n#  **Surface Versus Depth**\n\nFor most women, it seems that the primary variation in orgasms is in their intensity, and how much the orgasm is simply a release of surface tension, as opposed to a deeply experienced physical release that involves the whole body. This woman describes the difference very clearly:\n\n _Sometimes I feel an urgent need to come (usually on my own, when I haven't seen my lover for ages and haven't had much sex). When this happens I can come very quickly from touching myself, but the actual orgasm is a bit of an anticlimax, as though I just need to release something. This is very different from the building passion that turns to divine tension inside me as I make love with my lover. There is a point at which I know I am going to come, and often I like to spin that time out so that I am bursting for the release of orgasm. When my lover touches me or as I rub against her, I feel a combination of deepening, relaxing, and melting, and also tensing of my entire body as my heart and metabolism speed up. As I build toward an orgasm, I feel joyously frenzied. Sometimes it's a primal feeling, like a wild animal, and I like to grunt and make noise. As I come, I feel my insides melting and expanding, becoming alive. My whole body pulses. Often I find I quickly come again, maybe three times or so._\n\n#  **Pulsing and Contractions**\n\nThe \"pulsing\" mentioned in the previous quote is fairly common. I've sometimes felt my lover pulsing at two- to four-second intervals for quite a long time (five minutes or more) after a strong orgasm. It may be localized in the vagina or in the genital area or it may be felt throughout the body, a little like very light muscle contractions. Pulsing may be an external indication of uterine contractions. It seems to be involuntary, and not as strong as the tightening that occurs just prior to orgasm, or voluntary contractions of the PC muscle, which, when they are in good condition, can be very powerful. (See Chapter Nine for more on the PC muscle.)\n\n_I occasionally feel and see a very active pulse that may involve my whole leg._\n\n  \n\n\n_The pulsing reaches a crescendo and then fades, sometimes lasting thirty seconds, and sometimes over several minutes._\n\nAccording to the famous sex researchers Masters and Johnson2, the female orgasm involves a series of rhythmic muscular contractions (numbering from three to twelve) in the vagina. This gives rise to an image that is a little misleading, since rhythmic contractions cannot always be felt by the person who is doing the penetrating. The lesbians I spoke with say they are only occasionally able to feel rhythmic contractions in the vagina (apart from the pulsing mentioned earlier) when they are the givers. Most said they could feel a steady tightening around the entrance to the vagina leading up to the point of orgasm and then a gradual relaxing afterward. This steady contraction of the vaginal entrance may be so strong that it causes pain to the person doing the penetrating.\n\nThe reason rhythmic contractions aren't so apparent may be due to the fact that the giver is often moving her fingers inside while her partner is  coming. It may also be that the receiver's leg and belly muscles, or perhaps her whole body, are spasming and clenching, which would make it difficult to distinguish what is going on in the vagina. Or it may simply be that the muscle contractions are not very noticeable.\n\nA number of women (by no means all) report that when they have a strong orgasm they can feel a contraction in the midpoint of the groin, which would seem to indicate that it is in the uterus. Sometimes they can feel these contractions for a matter of minutes after an orgasm. They usually describe it as almost painful, a little like menstrual cramps, and several women say they are more likely to feel this when they are premenstrual or on their period. Afterward they feel more relaxed in that area. Orgasms are known to relieve menstrual pain.\n\n_When I'm crampy from my period, I sometimes feel an orgasm in my uterus and it may be painful, but then when the contraction releases I feel better._\n\nThe external signs of orgasm can vary as much as the internal experience, and they may last for a few seconds or for hours. The same woman may react quite differently at different times. Sometimes she may thrash around and scream. Sometimes the whole body contracts or shakes and shudders. Her limbs may flutter, her feet and hands may stretch out and curl up. Her face may contort or it may remain quite serene. Sometimes she may hold quite still and be very quiet when she comes, merely arching or stretching the body a little. The intensity of the orgasm can't be measured by visible movement. Sometimes the most powerful ones are those that pass through deep inside, or on a level that is not physical, leaving few cues for an onlooker.\n\n#  **Pregnancy and Orgasm**\n\nIt may initially seem surprising that some women feel more sexual when they are pregnant. But, after all, the uterus is part of a woman's sexual organs, and it changes continually as the fetus grows. The increase in size of the uterus may result in pressure on the G-spot, resulting in spontaneous sexual arousal.\n\n_The only time I ever had an orgasm in my sleep was in the latter stages of pregnancy._\n\nThe contractions that occur during an orgasm may precipitate childbirth, and consequently women who are at risk for preterm labor are advised against sexual activity during pregnancy.\n\nThe medical establishment has tried to divorce the experience of giving birth from sex, and indeed many women cannot imagine it as anything but an exhausting, sterile, and pain-filled experience. However, some women do find themselves feeling sexually excited during the delivery process, and deliberate sexual arousal may greatly ease the experience.\n\n#  **A Vocabulary for Orgasm**\n\nIf we lived in a society that communicated freely and openly about sex, there would have to be at least a dozen words to describe the different kinds of orgasm. The fact that there are only three (orgasm, coming, and climax) and that there are no standard definitions for them is an appalling indication of how little we comprehend the scope of sexual experience. Most of us grow up thinking there is some average kind of orgasmic experience, and that's what normal women have. What a limiting view, and a far cry from the truth!\n\nThe word _climax_ is sometimes used to mean the latter part of the orgasm, or the peak. Some women use the word _coming_ to mean the moment before release, the preparation to reaching the peak, prior to going over the edge into full orgasm. One woman described a feeling she calls coming that is different from orgasm:\n\n _It's a swelling, exploding feeling, but without the post-orgasmic body relaxation._\n\nThe experience of orgasm covers a huge range of intensity. It may involve the whole body, or it may be focused in certain parts of the body, or it may be an out-of-body experience. Why a woman has a particular experience one time and not another is often impossible to pin down because there are far too many variables: not just what is being done to her physically but also her relationship to her partner, her surroundings,  her state of mind, her emotional state, and everything that has led up to the moment of orgasm. One thing seems clear: any imposed classification used to define the phenomenon of female orgasm is not going to be useful, it is only going to be limiting. Fortunately, many of us are celebrating our diversity instead of worrying that we aren't adhering to some artificial standard of \"normality.\"\n\n#  **Multiple Orgasms**\n\nMost women (perhaps all) are capable of experiencing multiple orgasms, and many do so regularly. Some women have one and then don't want to be touched anymore, while others, like myself, don't feel satisfied if they have fewer than three.\n\nMy average orgasms are probably typical multiple orgasms. Each one lasts from three to maybe ten seconds, and I need a break of at least twenty seconds between each one, to let my clitoris get desensitized so I can take more stimulation. If the break is much longer than a minute I probably come too far down to get back up again. The second and the third are usually the strongest and they happen very quickly, with very little stimulation. The most I've ever had in one session was thirteen. Other women have different experiences with multiple orgasms:\n\n _Larger, longer orgasms tend to be multiple. Like when one orgasm continues like a skipped stone._\n\n  \n\n\n_I am very likely to have an orgasm every time I have sex or masturbate. It's less a question of whether I have one, and more about how many and how intense._\n\n  \n\n\n_I've always had multiple orgasms. I probably average three or four orgasms at one go. But if I make love all night, I can come constantly and have different kinds of orgasm: from rubbing together with clothes on or without, from penetration with fingers or hand, from oral sex, or from my body being stroked in just the right way._\n\n  \n\n\n_Once I came thirty-two times. After a while my boyfriend just sat back amazed, and watched me stimulate myself for the last ten or so orgasms._\n\nThe length of the break between orgasms varies for different people, from a few seconds to a few minutes. Of course if it's a few minutes you could describe it as a whole separate orgasm rather than one of a multiple. But women don't come down all the way out of a state of arousal in a few minutes, so it's really just a matter of how far down they need to come before they can take more stimulation to come back up. Most women can probably experience three or four orgasms during one lovemaking session. There seem to be a few women who don't, who are really and truly finished after that one big one:\n\n _I can't imagine having multiple orgasms. I can build up to another one after five minutes or so, but the second one is never as satisfying._\n\nIn the next chapter we'll look at how different women experience the flows of energy in their bodies when they come. To close this chapter, here are a few words from Joy on defining an orgasm:\n\n _I have a vast variety of orgasms. I see stars, rockets, and all kinds of other visuals. Some (orgasms) feel like jumping out of a plane. Or they're like an ocean swell, and sometimes the surf is so strong it sweeps me away; other times it just laps at the shore. They can be very deep, where all my internal organs go into pleasant spasm; maybe my knees go weak, suddenly all the tension drains down and out of my body. Sometimes they are like earthquakes, but more commonly they're like waves. They're often electrical; I feel the electrical energy moving up and down central channels inside my body, not on the surface. They can be either vaginally or clitorally centered. But when they're clitorally centered, it's like that three centimeters of flesh is the whole universe._\n\n#  _**Notes**_\n\n1 Kermit E. Krantz, MD, \"Innervation of the Human Vulva and Vagina: A microscopic study,\" _Obstetrics & Gynecology_, 12: 382-396.\n\n2 William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, _Human Sexual Response_ (Ishi Press, 2010). Originally published in 1966.\n"}
+{"input": "Could not generate response.", "response": "**CHAPTER** **4**\n\n**THE ENERGETIC EXPERIENCE OF ORGASM**\n\n_My orgasms are exquisite and deep, like riding a wave: exciting, wild, raw energy, primal, deeply satisfying. The buildup is a warm, flowing, pleasantly exciting sensation that keeps building to more excitement. It's fun to hang out there for a while. Orgasm brings the excitement to a peak that satisfies a deep body longing and leaves me glowing, ecstatic, and floating. It's a feeling of being deeply bonded with the universe._\n\n  \n\n\n_There's a building of intensity of feeling; I feel like I'm becoming pure energy, ceasing to be a clearly defined physical body with boundaries. It's like I can clearly perceive being an energetic being of vibrating molecules, part of and one with the woman I'm with and everything in the universe. I experience this in differing degrees of intensity depending on my situation. Then orgasm itself is like a wave of energy cresting inside me and through me, a release of the buildup of energy with me, truly ecstatic and totally exquisite. This is also accompanied by my muscles contracting and shuddering, often very strongly\u2014yes, the earth does move for me!_\n\nSexuality can put us in touch with powerful flows of energy that we may not otherwise have reason or ability to access. Thinking of orgasm in terms of energy flow can be very useful, enabling us to visualize it in a much broader way than the merely physical. The same is true of life: understanding it as occurring on a plane of energy allows us to comprehend some of the unseen forces that affect us.\n\nOrgasm is about highly focused energy, and being orgasmic is about learning to let our bodies focus energy while we let go of trying to control it. This may seem like a paradox: surely if you are focusing energy, then you are controlling it. But there is a big difference between controlling a flow of energy\u2014trying to force it to move in a particular pattern\u2014and removing blocks that are preventing a natural flow so that we can allow our bodies to do what they want to do: gather, focus, and release the energy.\n\nCultural conditioning teaches us to block this natural flow. When we overcome our conditioning and allow ourselves to be freely carried by the energy that is released during orgasm, then we release the potential to have transcendental experiences. Sexual energy is very powerful; it is, after all, the energy that creates and sustains life.\n\nIt is perfectly possible to learn to channel the flow of energy during orgasm. Various methods have been developed for doing this. Most of these methods include experiencing high levels of sexual ecstasy. Some of them are discussed at the end of this chapter and in Chapter Five.\n\n#  **The Nonphysical Components of Orgasm**\n\nIt has been said that the brain is the most important sex organ. In reality, I believe some of the factors that turn us on, such as smell, sound, and long forgotten memories, are far beyond the comprehension of the logical brain. On a conscious level, we may be completely unaware of energies that affect us very profoundly. Sexual arousal in dreams epitomizes this. A number of women report the experience of waking up from an erotic dream in a high state of arousal, yet without any of the normal signs: no throbbing clitoris, no wet and swollen lips. It is as though the excitement occurs on an ethereal level, where we are not actually _in_ the body we normally inhabit. It is  frequently a mistake for us to try to nail down what creates arousal. We might be better off accepting that we simply don't know.\n\nThe great paradox of sex is that it's based in the physical and yet can take us beyond the physical. Many women report feeling overwhelmed and transported by orgasm. What they seem to mean is that a powerful sense of contained energy builds inside their bodies and then, as it releases, puts them in touch with a different experience of reality. The new perception can manifest visually, aurally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Our best and strongest orgasms seem to be the ones that take us to levels besides, and as well as, the physical. These other levels have been variously labeled mental, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, psychological, psychic, and chemical (as in having great \"chemistry\" with someone). Because all of the experiences described by these words are extremely subjective, we have no consensus definitions of what they actually mean.\n\nIn this and the following chapter, I want to offer illustrations of what these words and phrases mean to different people, and what place they have in sexual arousal. Some women equate the mental with the spiritual, since they find that once they are able to quiet their minds they enter a stillness that is an experience of oneness. Other women equate the spiritual with the emotional, and they have their best orgasms when they feel a heart connection with their partner. Some people might not differentiate between emotional, psychic, and spiritual ecstasy.\n\nAn orgasm can be triggered by an overwhelming sense of joy or love, perhaps from the connection with a partner, or just from experiencing intense pleasure or beauty. The natural beauty of the environment can add a whole different dimension to a sexual experience:\n\n _My best orgasm ever was when I was sleeping out on a deck with my lover, and we woke up just before dawn and started to make love. Then a flock of yellow birds flew down toward us, and we both came together just as the first of the sun's rays touched us. I felt out of my skin._\n\nThe inspiration for an orgasm need not come from physical stimulation, and there may be little or no buildup. Some women come in their sleep, from a powerful dream, or they are able to generate a flow of sexual energy by using fantasy or mental focus, with some muscle control. Jana  talks about orgasms that creep up on her almost against her will. She is a Buddhist monk, in the habit of sitting in meditation for very long periods of time. She's not the asexual person you might imagine a monk to be; she masturbates once or twice a day. Sometimes as she sits in meditation she finds an orgasm coming over her without any conscious intention on her part:\n\n _The feeling runs away by itself and my mind focuses in on itself and I'm going, \"Oh my god oh my god oh my god\u2026\" I'm sitting there having an orgasm, hoping no one notices. It's amazing how strong the feeling gets._\n\nLaura had her first-ever orgasm watching a horse race; no one was touching her, nor was she touching herself, and she wasn't even thinking about sex:\n\n _The beauty and vitality and competitive spirit of the horses just took me to orgasm!_\n\nIt is surprisingly common for an intensely pleasurable experience to find an outlet in orgasm even though it is not (at least initially) a specifically sexual pleasure.\n\n_One night I was lying on my bed with the window open. It was warm, and a delightful sensuous breeze was wafting over me. I opened my legs to it and felt as if it was actually caressing me. I stayed with the feeling until I came._\n\n  \n\n\n_I've had an orgasm a few times listening to very intense, passionate music._\n\nOne woman reported that she was getting a massage, not being touched in her genital area, and unaware of any sexual arousal, when she suddenly found herself coming. Dee reports finding her body shaken by an orgasm as she sat on a rock by a river watching her lover walk along the shore. Apparently, deep feelings of love or joy or enthusiasm can unexpectedly give rise to exactly the same physiological response as physical stimulation, and can be experienced as an ecstatic energy release.\n\nA number of women report that they can come from imagining sex, without any external stimulus, which is a little different from an orgasm that comes unexpectedly out of thin air.\n\n_On occasion I've been able to come just from visualizing sensual intercourse, without anyone touching me, or me touching myself._\n\n  \n\n\n_I have had an orgasm from a purely mental fantasy about someone, without touching myself or having anyone touch me._\n\n  \n\n\n_When I've had the experience of orgasm without any stimulation, it was like a flashback, a brief shiver all over, and a tingle to my clit. It doesn't matter what I'm doing. I could be lying down, driving a car, relaxing, whatever._\n\nSometimes the only external stimulus that's necessary is another person's voice.\n\n_I've rarely had an orgasm without any stimulation at all but it has happened when I've been on the phone to my lover._\n\n  \n\n\n_I can have a vaginal orgasm very easily, just from being told to come, if I've been having a lot of sex over a number of days._\n\nThe \"telling\" described above can be purely verbal; her lover might be across the room at the time. One woman said that she could come simply from seeing her lover make suggestive finger movements. An emotional component\u2014a strong current of love between partners\u2014may be present in some of these cases, but it certainly isn't necessary for all women who experience this kind of orgasm. It may occur in part because the woman is in a state of sexual excitement already. Many women find it possible to remain in a highly aroused state for a long time without experiencing discomfort.\n\n_I can go through my day feeling constantly aroused. I'll be walking down the street and the feeling deep down in my groin gets more and more intense, just from the motion of walking, especially if I'm wearing jeans, and I find myself coming. I have to stop and lean against a wall._\n\nBecause phone sex and online sex often occur between people who don't know each other well, or even at all, we must assume there doesn't have to be an emotional connection. For some women, the words create erotic visual images, and thus work just like a fantasy. For others, the sound and the meaning of the words bypass the mental realm altogether and go straight into physical sensations. When two people are physically together, a glance, body language, a facial expression, or simply a casually stated innuendo can all have similar effects. A very strong feeling of love can produce erotic sensations without any physical stimulation, and vice versa: erotic physical or mental stimulation can produce intense feelings of love. The physical, the mental, and the emotional become one. They are all erotic sensations: you have a feeling of love or lust for someone, and it gives rise to a mental picture that is erotic and therefore creates a physical response; someone touches you in a nonsexual way and you feel flooded with love for that person, and you are suddenly aware of your pelvic muscles contracting, and so on; the permutations are endless. And they can all give rise to a sense of oneness that, for some, may have spiritual significance.\n\n#  **Chemistry: A Psychic Connection**\n\n_I have an occasional lover who brings me to orgasm in a way no one else ever has. He is an accomplished lover, and my attraction to him as a person is so chemically / spiritually / obsessively intense that I can't tell what influences what._\n\nMany of us have experienced an energy flow between ourselves and another person that is not of our conscious creation at all; we call it _attraction_ **,** or in its most extreme forms, _falling in love._ It can be anything from a mild sexual response, to overwhelming body chemistry, to divine mania. _Chemistry_ is a confusing term here; the attraction may be chemical\u2014that is, caused by pheromones that stimulate us on a subconscious level\u2014but  it may also be interpreted as an attraction that occurs on a psychic level. Whether you call it psychic or chemical, it is a flow of energy. It's feasible (although it may take some practice) to learn how to play with this energy, consciously making it greater or smaller, bringing it to an orgasmic release, or not. As we all know, not every attraction is mutual, and it's easy to misread what is going on for another person when you don't know each other well. Perhaps one of the people involved is taking it much more seriously than the other(s). Check this out before you get carried away with it.\n\nStrong attraction is not necessarily about an emotional connection, but for many women the two are synonymous. A strong emotional component, or heart connection, with another person certainly has the power to bring on an orgasm, sometimes as much as anything physical. These two women were awed and amazed by the spontaneous orgasms that occurred with particular men:\n\n _We were just lying together in bed, and I felt this pure ecstasy filling my body, pure spirit. I trembled and my body glowed, my groin became bathed in warmth and sensation, which lasted several minutes, and then I orgasmed._\n\n  \n\n\n_I was so in love with a man once that my orgasm, which usually follows all the stages of arousal, plateau, orgasm, resolution, etc., just came out of nowhere, so quickly I felt transported._\n\nSome women really seem to need to experience a heart connection in order to allow sexual energy to flow between themselves and their lover, while others don't. Women who have multiple partners are judged harshly by our society; there is a widespread assumption that we cannot experience a heart connection with someone whom we don't know well, or haven't made a lifelong commitment to. I think this is a misconception; I believe it _is_ possible to have a very deep connection with someone you have just met, simply because you resonate with that person, because there is some kind of connection on a psychic level. And it is certainly possible to feel very strongly for more than one person at a time. Our language fails to supply nondisparaging words to describe these relationships. What seems to be true is that some women cannot be open on a heart level until they know their partner well, and others can be very open  on a heart level from the moment of first meeting.\n\n_The mental and emotional components are important. I must feel trust. But sometimes it's easier with someone I don't know\u2014they haven't betrayed me yet, they're fresh._\n\nThe emotions that are brought into play by an intense attraction are an essential aspect of arousal for some women. Jesse calls this the \"romantic element.\" For her, good sex must include romance, by which she means that she must feel a strong attraction and love for her sexual partner. Joy is quite the opposite. For her, sex is about having fun, and she can even sleep with someone she doesn't particularly like and have very good sex with plenty of orgasms. I am very picky about my close friends, but if the chemistry (or the psychic / emotional connection, or whatever you want to call it) is right, I can enjoy an affair with someone I don't particularly want to spend a lot of time with out of bed. With such a person, I will make sure not to make any emotional commitments; I don't want any pretense about what we are sharing or not sharing.\n\nWhile orgasm is not necessarily an emotional experience for all women, very few women seem to be able to come with their partner when they are holding negative emotions toward that person. A number of women described similar scenarios, where a buildup of unresolved negative emotion, occurring over time within a relationship, made it harder for them to experience sexual satisfaction with that partner. Victoria stopped having orgasms after the first year of her first long-term relationship, and for a long time she thought there was something wrong with her. After she left her lover, she realized that she had closed down emotionally, and that was why she had ceased to have orgasms.\n\n#  **Emotional Orgasms**\n\nMany women find that the best sex arises out of an emotional connection, and for some, feeling loved and appreciated by their partner is essential.\n\n_My orgasms seem to depend on the emotional state that is created between my partner and myself (other than masturbation, which is always a successful release). When I feel cared for, when his attention is fully with me, when he seems interested in who I am as a person and what and how I feel, then I can open my heart freely, and only then can I open my body freely and allow orgasm._\n\nThe experience of orgasm itself can bring up a lot of emotion. Jesse clearly labeled an emotional orgasm:\n\n _Sometimes my heart breaks open and melts. It doesn't come from my genitals, but otherwise it's an awful lot like an orgasm._\n\nDonna described having orgasms that felt \"difficult\" emotionally, orgasms that revealed more of her vulnerability than she was comfortable with. Sometimes she even consciously put a stop to them. I am sure that many women learn to put stops on their orgasms either consciously or unconsciously, precisely because they don't want to be emotionally exposed.\n\nI have certainly had the experience of an orgasm that was almost more of an emotional release than a physical one. Usually, I am aware of the need for an emotional release before it occurs, but sometimes that awareness prevents me from feeling free to be sexual in the first place. Sex often feels too dangerous when I'm in a very vulnerable space.\n\nTears are a fairly common emotional release for women when they come:\n\n _Sometimes there is an explosion that seems to reach other dimensions and often leaves me weeping in a state of exquisite longing for that other dimension. It is as if my whole life were a plea to live in that place and the tears are of gratitude for touching that place, and for sadness that it seems so rare._\n\n  \n\n\n_Making love is very emotional for me. If things aren't going well in my heart, even if I think they are, my orgasm releases a huge well of sadness within me and I cry and cry and cry, mostly just streaming tears, no sobs._\n\nIt seems as though the physical release triggers an emotional release that has been waiting for an outlet.\n\n_Often after an orgasm I will feel very sad, and the feeling builds until I cry and cry and cry. I don't mind it; in fact, I feel very good after the storm is over. Sometimes I'm amazed at the depth of the sadness and sobbing. I think I get a load of sadness from just being in the world and seeing and hearing about so many sad, horrible, unjust events that my body just wants to release it periodically, and it uses the orgasm as a trigger._\n\nOne woman complained that her partners don't want to know what she's feeling at these times.\n\n_The thing that gets me is guys never ask why I'm crying! I guess they're afraid to know._\n\nSometimes the experience of being flooded with grief or emotional pain comes instead of, rather than accompanying, an orgasm, especially if a woman is having trouble coming. It may be that the tears provide the necessary release, in lieu of a physical climax.\n\n_Sometimes I feel like I really need to come, and I just can't get there. When this happens I nearly always end up crying._\n\n  \n\n\n_Sometimes if I'm making love and I don't have an orgasm, I get completely out of control emotionally and burst into floods of tears._\n\nBut the emotion an orgasm triggers may just as easily be joy, with laughter as part of the orgasmic release. And some women find that having an orgasm calms them down and relaxes them when they are feeling emotional.\n\n_When I'm feeling sad or lonely, I sometimes comfort myself by masturbating to orgasm. My relationship to myself and the sense of being in control of my body feels really good._\n\n#  **The Intellectual Component: Focusing the Mind**\n\nSome women feel that conscious intention is an essential ingredient to orgasm. Marya says that she has to make a mental decision to climax, as though giving herself permission before it can happen. Although most of the women I interviewed said there was _not_ an intellectual aspect to coming, quite a few reported that they were more likely to have orgasms if they felt their partner was in control on the mental plane or was an intellectually stimulating person. This might manifest as someone who is verbal during sexual play or in other words, someone with good patter:\n\n _I love it when my lover talks dirty to me and fantasizes verbally._\n\nIt might be accurate to say that we can block ourselves from orgasm using the power of our conscious minds, because of an emotionally-based intellectual belief that it is not okay to let go. This is borne out by one woman who, for a long time, only came in her sleep. Her waking mind could not allow herself to let go enough. We can develop an intellectual belief, which we then exert through the will, as a result of something that holds a big emotional charge. I don't think it's possible to delineate clear boundaries between the emotional and the intellectual. Our bodies can be affected by emotional or physical trauma in such a way that they respond without any _conscious_ brain involvement. Since we have a strong tendency to want to rationalize our behavior, there is often no way for us to know when a physical response is due to a body memory of a trauma that has been forgotten by the conscious mind, rather than a rationalebased conclusion. It can be very hard to see when the emotional becomes intellectualized. Moreover, we tend to want to hold onto our rational beliefs, and we may get upset when they are challenged. Then the intellectual becomes emotional.\n\nMost of us are brought up to value the intellectual and denigrate the emotional. Yet the truth is, we are far more swayed by our feelings than we like to admit; we make the pretense of being rational by trying to overlay our feelings with rational explanations. Our feelings never lie, but our intellects are affected by \"oughts\" and \"shoulds.\" Thus our minds try to make us fit into the status quo, even when it is not right for us.\n\nSome women can \"think\" themselves into orgasm, without stimulation from any source other than their own minds. This usually means focusing  very intently on a fantasy, but sometimes what happens is not so specific, and it certainly need not include imagery of genital stimulation. It's something like \"thinking oneself into the feeling of orgasm.\"\n\n_I use my mind. I let go. I want it, so it happens. It's simple for me. There is nothing more to tell._\n\nIn her book, _Women Who Love Sex_ 1, Gina Ogden has a whole chapter devoted to \"thinking off.\" She took one of her subjects into a lab and measured for all the signs of orgasm as the woman came without touching herself and barely moving. The measurements were exactly what you would expect for an orgasm brought on by any physical method: high heart rate and blood pressure, dilated pupils, reduced sensitivity to pain, and heightened sensual responses.\n\nMany women fantasize when they are masturbating or when they are with a partner, and the fantasy may actually help them to get off. Some women read erotica or watch movies or look at pictures. Fantasizing is an intellectual skill; it requires an active mind, a vivid imagination, and the ability to concentrate. Joy has had orgasms while she was writing, apparently just from the intellectual thrill.\n\n_A couple of times I have come from a psychological turn-on, when I'm off in my head and there's no physical stimulation. It's connected to the excitement of creativity, usually when I'm writing something that has an erotic charge for me. It might be something that someone else would not find erotic at all._\n\nLearning to focus the mind can have remarkable results, as anyone who has meditated over a long period will tell you. Freud's idea that the sensation of orgasm should migrate from the clitoris to the vagina may actually be accomplished by someone who chooses to _think_ the sensation there, but one can also think the sensation to anywhere else on the body (fingers, earlobes, different chakras, wherever). People with spinal cord injuries, who have no sensation in their genital area, can still experience sexual feelings, and may have very satisfying sexual relationships.\n\nSome women say they cannot come if their brains are going a mile a minute, while others are able to keep their brains occupied with a fantasy.  A few women do not come without a fantasy to help them focus, and this often involves images of being raped. Generally, such fantasies are about giving themselves permission to relinquish control; the conscious brain won't let go until it is tricked into thinking that someone else is forcing it to do so.\n\nPersonally, I often find there is part of my brain that tends to isolate itself from the rest of me when I am having an orgasm. While my body is in the throes of intense convulsions, my brain might be busy thinking about the color of the walls. As long as it's not a thought that makes me anxious, I can usually let it go so that it doesn't interfere with my pleasure, but I have more intense and longer orgasms when I totally switch my brain off. I think my brain's desire to absent itself during sex is a leftover from unpleasant childhood sexual experiences.\n\n#  **Aftershocks**\n\nMy experience with purely mental or emotional stimulation is that it can be very exciting, but often in a rather diffuse sense. If it is very genitally focused, which it might be if I am reading or looking at erotica, I'm not usually able to bring the energy to release without touching myself or moving around. Occasionally, when I've been sitting still concentrating on writing or some other creative outlet, I have a kind of upper body shudder that is definitely a release of energy and might be considered a kind of orgasm. I have also had experiences along the lines of this description by Jesse:\n\n _Sometimes when I'm very turned on, I get single contractions that feel just like aftershock contractions, and recently I had a short set of these from an intense and intimate turn-on with almost no touching of any kind, just prolonged eye contact, and then a slow movement toward each other that culminated in my lover brushing the side of her face against mine. I believe now that this might be considered an orgasm, but I hadn't thought of it as such because there wasn't the usual physical buildup leading to it._\n\nThe aftershock contractions that Jesse refers to are something many women experience; they are like little jolts that jerk your body around,  and they may occur after particularly intense sex. Terry describes having aftershocks, \"like little orgasms,\" for days. In a similar vein, a number of women report a powerful sinking feeling in their gut when they think about an exceptional sexual experience:\n\n _Sometimes I'll be walking along daydreaming about having sex, and all of a sudden that feeling comes over me and my guts jolt. It's often accompanied by an involuntary moan that is obviously sexual, and that's very embarrassing if someone else is around!_\n\n  \n\n\n_The day after exciting sex, part of me sometimes stays turned on, and even doing mundane things, my mind suddenly flashes to what we did the night before, and I'll get a little momentary orgasm that makes me jump or shudder._\n\n#  **Simultaneous and Empathic Orgasms**\n\nSimultaneous orgasm is the ultimate goal for many people. Like any goal, it can set us up for a sense of failure, since it is often difficult to achieve. A few lucky people are inspired to come at the same moment as their lover. It seems to be a glorious feat, to be so in tune with your partner that your energy is carried into orgasm with his or hers. I have had a few lovers who were brought to orgasm by my coming, but I've never achieved it the other way round. A couple of men commented that they were brought to orgasm by their partners:\n\n _After she has her first orgasm from manual stimulation I will sometimes move to penile insertion, and in most instances reach simultaneous orgasm with her second one._\n\nOne man had this to say about how wonderful it was:\n\n _On the one and only time to date that we have had simultaneous orgasm through intercourse, it was simply indescribable, out of this world, fantastic!_\n\nA number of women referred to a kind of orgasm that I have called \"empathic.\" These might be simultaneous or they might not. They occur when a woman is making love to someone else, and she gets so excited by her lover's response\u2014by his or her arousal\u2014that she finds herself coming. It is the energy of her lover's turn-on that creates her orgasm. Some women experience it as an unexpected bonus, something that just comes out of the blue: their body goes into automatic orgasm, with no awareness of any buildup, no conscious desire to come, no conscious seeking of orgasm.\n\n_It's always a surprise because I'm never expecting it._\n\nLesbians who experience this phenomenon stress that it is a very different kind of orgasm from the kind they have when partners are making love to each other simultaneously.\n\n_I find it distracting if someone is making love to me at the same time as I'm making love to her. I can't concentrate on what I'm doing to my lover. However, the kind of turn-on I feel through me making love to someone else is not a distraction._\n\nThe kind of orgasm that I am calling empathic occurs purely as a result of what a woman is doing to someone else; it is part and parcel of what she is doing to that person, it enhances what she is doing, and it doesn't distract at all. Her awareness is all on her partner; there is no direct stimulation of her own genitals. And her orgasm may well occur simultaneously with her partner's.\n\n_There have been a dozen or so times when I've come from making love to my partner, without being touched myself. I think there is a sort of psychic / sexual connection in which boundaries melt and fuse._\n\nIn heterosexual sex, the emphasis is often on what the man is doing to the woman; he is usually the one dictating the action, and he is often focusing on gearing up to the moment of intercourse. In this scenario, there may not necessarily be much opportunity for the woman to focus on pleasuring him, although it doesn't have to be like this, as Donna illustrates: \n\n_I almost always come from making love to my partner, especially when I'm sucking his penis. I find the rhythm extremely exciting, and the sensation of sucking invites my hips to move and my uterus to contract. It's also very exciting to feel excitement mounting and the contractions I can feel in him before he reaches orgasm._\n\n#  **Energy Movement Within the Body**\n\nSome women are more aware than others of the flow of energy in and through their physical bodies during sexual play. Linci has worked with this as part of her spiritual practice. When she describes making love to another woman, she says that the energy moves in circles between her and her lover, from one woman's chakras to the other and back, around and around. But the actual orgasm, if it's not an empathic one, produces energy that moves vertically in a linear path, either up or down her body.\n\nJana finds that the energy of orgasm moves differently if she has been deep in meditation:\n\n _Instead of building up and exploding outward like a beautiful flower, it builds through my body more slowly and then moves out sideways. Everything goes into quietude without exploding first._\n\nMost women agreed that the energy gathers in the pelvic area and then goes up, down, or directly outward from there. For Donna, the energy gathers in her upper body if she's having her nipples stimulated (she can come from nipple stimulation alone). Whatever brings the orgasm on, once it is under way, she says the energy moves upward vertically from her body, into her lover if he's lying on top of her.\n\nMany women say they find themselves stretching their feet out when they come, as though to let the energy flow out their soles.\n\n_I have to have my legs straight out, and I can't bear to have limited space for my feet._\n\nJean normally experiences the energy moving directly out of her feet, but she had a one-time experience that is very interesting:\n\n _My partner had her hand over my throat as I was coming, restricting my breathing. The energy shot up to the top of head and then bounced back down and shot out of my feet, leaving my legs weak and shaky, like all the nerve endings had been fired off. It was amazing!_\n\nSince limiting the oxygen to the brain can have the effect of increasing the level of arousal and enhancing orgasms, the practice of breathing restriction is not uncommon. The problem with this is that it can also kill you, and it can do so extremely fast\u2014much faster than you might realize. If you decide to play around with this, _be very careful._ Don't take it to an extreme, and do it only with people you trust to be 100 percent attentive to you. _Never allow anything around your throat or over your mouth that cannot be removed in an instant; never put anything over your mouth that might be inhaled._\n\nThe experience most commonly reported seems to be that energy moves down the legs and out through the feet, and sometimes out through the hands as well. Some women feel it going up and out of their heads, which is likely to be accompanied by a feeling of oneness with the universe. This most often occurs when there is a strong emotional bond between lovers, following a lot of sexual play. A sense of spaciness and a sense of oneness may occur when the higher chakras have been opened up, and an orgasm is certainly capable of doing this. The energy of orgasm may even carry us to another realm of consciousness. Many women report that they have had the sensation of floating after orgasm, and they experience themselves as something other than physical.\n\n_Waves of pleasure build into towering walls of energy that wash over and lift and toss me about, and I cry out like a flock of birds. I don't feel confined to my body. I lose my physical edges. Post-orgasm, I feel very warm and glowing, although my body sometimes aches for a few days after._\n\n_Once I had a total out-of-body experience. I was up there hovering a few inches above myself, watching myself have an orgasm._\n\n#  **Alignment**\n\nThe physical position of the body can often affect a woman's ability to have an orgasm or, at least, to have a strong orgasm. It may be important to notice what position your body is choosing as it approaches orgasm.\n\n_I went through a period when I felt compelled to cross my legs even though it meant I wouldn't have such a satisfying orgasm; it was as if I needed to limit the physical intensity. I don't know why._\n\nI feel that I must physically align my body to allow the movement of energy. I find I can only come with my whole body stretched out and arched; all my muscles tense up harder and harder as I get closer to coming. It's as though my body requires this in order for the energy to be able to release. I tend to hold my breath as I approach the orgasm (or it approaches me), but the actual release often necessitates me making a sound, a kind of a groan, or perhaps words, so then I take deep breaths. And breathing into my belly makes the orgasm happen. The energy that has gathered pours outward, mostly flooding down my legs and out of my feet. I am often aware of my feet feeling electric and my legs shaking afterward. Sometimes I feel the energy in my throat.\n\nBecause of the way I come, I always do so lying on my back, where I or my partner has plenty of space to manipulate my clitoris in the necessary manner. Many women say they like to have their legs straight, although it doesn't matter to everyone. Jean also stretches herself out; however, unlike me, she is able to come lying on her front. She arches her back in the same way, but uses a vibrator on the bed against her clitoris, so that the arching of her body pushes her pelvis into the bed, and her clitoris harder against the vibrator.\n\nThere are plenty of women who can come in a number of different positions, including standing up.\n\n_I love having sex standing up. Lying down dissipates the energy. I think I'm trained to come standing up, because when I was a kid I did it a lot in the shower._\n\n  \n\n\n_My orgasms are more exciting when I'm lying on my back with my legs drawn up. Being on all fours, or prone, slows it down._\n\n  \n\n\n_I notice that orgasm feels very different in different positions; I can differentiate between those experienced on my back, on my front, and standing up._\n\n#  **Visuals**\n\nThe energy of an orgasm may create colors or scenery in the mind's eye. Donna and Terry both see patterns of flashing lights, constellations of stars connected with lines.\n\n_I see lots of yellow and white, some red and orange. They're mostly hot, bright colors, not black. I see starbursts and sunbursts of different colors. One is a deep, brilliant blue. I experience it in my third eye and it feels wonderful. I can hang out there on that plateau before orgasm, with that deep blue, for a long time._\n\nJoy has some fascinating visuals, from psychedelic light shows to more mundane and often strange visuals, such as nuts and bolts rolling down a hill, weird animals, odd postcard collections, or bizarre, not necessarily idyllic, landscapes. When she and her lover have simultaneous orgasms, they may see the same images. On one occasion they both had a sensation of hopping, and saw rabbits popping up out of holes. It was, Joy said, a very friendly, cheerful lovemaking session!\n\nAccording to Lisa, the energy of the sex affects the colors she sees:\n\n _If it's a lovemaking experience, then I might see really soft earth colors, corals, and watery colors, flowing blues and aquas. I get the same kind of visuals when I'm giving someone a massage. If it's bad-ass sex, nasty sex, then I see black. I see leather._\n\nWhen Lisa talks about \"bad-ass\" sex, she doesn't mean that it isn't a wonderful consensual experience, she means her desire has a different flavor\u2014she is not feeling sweet and gentle. This brings up a very interesting point: the energy we bring to sexual play can vary considerably on different occasions.\n\n#  **The Power of Fantasy**\n\nJesse is another woman who relates to the concept of energy flows, and she is also someone who finds fetish and fantasy a wonderful source of orgasms. She describes something that might be called an imaginary orgasm that shoots from an imaginary penis. Jesse has no desire to be a man, but she plays around with fantasies of being a man in bed. She can come in a number of different ways, including when she has a dildo strapped on and is having \"intercourse\" in the missionary position with her female lover. The energy of these shooting orgasms moves in an outwardly direction. Some women say that an orgasm from using a strapped-on dildo happens because the base of the dildo presses on the clitoris, or on the G-spot from the outside. But it is also possible that the psychological element of fantasy is a major factor in such an orgasm. Jesse's shooting orgasms can also occur when _she_ is being penetrated, if she is fantasizing that she has male anatomy.\n\nJean reports a similar shooting sensation, when some part of her is being sucked on (toes, fingers, or dildo\u2014yes, she does think of the dildo as part of her, when she's wearing it) and says that when she comes like this, she feels as though she has a penis. The energy is a rushing feeling through her body, an \"outward explosion,\" but the climax is not as satisfying as other kinds because it leaves her with some tension.\n\nOne of the questionnaire respondents said she had experienced this, but only with one lover:\n\n _I once had a lover who inspired me to come when she came. It felt like a very male type of orgasm, like I had a penis and was coming from out of it._\n\nWhen two people get together, the combination of their energies may create quite a different experience from anything either of them have had before. This can be frustrating when you get together with someone new, and the same activities don't feel quite as good as they did with the last  person. But if you are willing to experiment in new ways with new lovers, it can also be exciting, and at least you know that every experience is unique. Sex never has to be routine.\n\n#  **Sound**\n\n_**Interestingly, if you examine a diagram of the throat and a diagram of the female sexual organs, you will see that they look similar.**_\n\nMany women talk about a connection between the throat and the pelvic area. Interestingly, if you examine a diagram of the throat and a diagram of the female sexual organs, you will see that they look similar. According to Hindu tradition, there is a direct link between the second chakra, which is the center of sex and emotion, based three fingers below the belly button, and the fifth chakra, located in the throat, which relates to self-expression and making sounds. Moving the energy in the one area will tend to affect the other area. This is borne out by a number of women:\n\n _There is a shift in my throat when I'm close to coming, like the feeling I get when I begin to sing. There's definitely some subtle correlation between my throat and my genital area. I have to allow the muscles in my throat to soften so that my breath can move more freely. Any sound I make will often carry the orgasm for a longer period of time than if I am silent._\n\n  \n\n\n_Yelling out really helps to release the energy of orgasm for me; I'm a very noisy lovemaker, and that's an important part of sexual expression for me. If I have to be quiet I feel very constrained._\n\nIn her work as a tantric teacher, Jwala encourages women to use sound:\n\n _The throat chakra is the one that women really hold closed, holding in our expressions of anger and rage over the abuse we've suffered from centuries of patriarchy. I have women make noises even when they don't feel like it, to release stuck feelings and verbalize their rage. They can verbalize the act of pushing the abuser(s) out of their space._\n\nI have found that opening my mouth and making a noise can sometimes carry me into orgasm, as though releasing the sound releases the energy of the orgasm. As Jwala says, because we often block the flow of energy through our bodies without being aware we are doing so, it is necessary to make a conscious decision to vocalize our passion, even though (or because) it feels uncomfortable.\n\n#  **Extended Orgasm**\n\nMany men and some women have an attitude toward sex that I call the get-it-over-with syndrome. They have a finite view of sex as a strictly functional act with orgasm at the end of it. When we can move beyond this limited view and accept a concept of sex as an enjoyable activity in itself without a beginning or an end, our possibilities are immediately expanded. But even when we relate to sex in that broader sense, we may still relate to orgasm as a finite experience, not expected to last more than a few seconds.\n\n_Extended sexual orgasm_ is a phrase generally used to refer to a sensation of orgasm that can last from a few minutes to six hours or more, in both women and men. Depending on the person who is using the phrase, it can mean any one of the following:\n\n\u2022 staying on the verge of orgasm, in a high state of arousal, just at the peak without going over.\n\n\u2022 going over, and then staying in an actual, prolonged, physically orgasmic state.\n\n\u2022 staying in the dreamlike state of oneness that may occur with orgasm, but without the attendant physical symptoms (body contractions and so on). This might also be described as the _afterglow._\n\nThese are all very subjective experiences, and therefore difficult to differentiate. It's highly unlikely for anyone to get to these states of arousal on a regular basis without skillful manual or oral stimulation of the clitoris and the G-spot. But the physical aspects of stimulation, although important, are only about one-quarter to one-third of what causes these experiences to occur. Other important factors are communication with your partner,  your partner's ability to read your body language, and your emotional and mental state\u2014how willing and able are you to give up your normal hold on reality in order to let yourself remain in such a state of bliss? Many of us have difficulty allowing ourselves to experience ecstasy for very long. We are not usually brought up to believe that pleasure in itself is a worthy goal. We are often more concerned about remaining \"functional.\" This is that prevailing attitude summed up as \"get-it-over-with-and-get-on-withlife.\" The intensity and sense of \"otherness\" that comes with strong sexual feelings, pleasant though these may be for a few moments, can quickly become uncomfortable. It takes practice and motivation to stay with the sensations. But, as Jwala says, it is a skill that can be learned, and the benefits are remarkable:\n\n _We can learn to tolerate stronger sexual energy so that we don't block it off at the lower chakras, but allow it up to higher levels; if we can really bring it up to the top of the head and let it flow out of the seventh chakra, that is spiritual bliss, and we can be in an altered state for hours._\n\nIf you are withholding emotions from your partner, or your mind refuses to be still, or you are in a hurry, or you have issues about sex that prevent you from being fully present, you won't be able to stay in a prolonged orgasmic state. You need to trust your partner completely, and let go of _all_ distractions, so that you can really relax. It has happened for me when I have a very strong heart connection, when I'm deeply in love and utterly focused. Then I find myself on an elevated plane of orgasm for a very long time without ever really seeming to come down, either nailed to the bed, or floating above it.\n\nIn her DVD, _How to Be a Sex Goddess in 101 Easy Steps_ 2 (which I highly recommend, both for fun and for educational purposes), Dr. Annie Sprinkle has an orgasm on camera that lasts more than five minutes. There is a fine line between one continual orgasm and multiple orgasms that occur so closely together they can barely be distinguished. If extended orgasm was a commonly known phrase, I think a lot of the women who wrote the following would be using it to describe what is going on for them, instead of the better known phrase \"multiple orgasm\": \n\n_When I have multiple orgasms, it's like I've achieved a melding of the spirit. I've submitted, and I can stay at that elevated plane for a long time._\n\n  \n\n\n_I have multiple orgasms and after the third or fourth one, they become a way of experiencing myself in vastness. They are something else, something very non-local. There's a lot of fluidity back and forth. I can make love for hours and come and come and come like that._\n\nIn her DVD, _The Art of Extended Sexual Orgasm for Men and Women_ 3 _,_ Kathryn Grosz describes ESO as a heightened state of arousal, which she calls orgasm, with a climax at the end of it. The level of arousal may be greater than you normally reach before going over, but the climax itself is a separate event that signals the end of the extended part. She describes at length how to maintain this state of arousal: the giver gets the receiver up to as high a point as possible without actually going over, and then backs off or changes stimulation for a moment or two, before picking up the rhythm again. So the receiver is always \"reaching out\" for the sensation again, and each time she reaches out, she moves up a little higher on the arousal scale. This can go on for an hour or more. The giver must change the speed or the type of stroke or pause for a second, in order to sustain the experience of peaking that occurs just before climax, and she or he has to divine when these pauses or changes are necessary by observing the body language of the receiver very closely. This video shows two couples, a male / female, and a female / female. I was disappointed that the female / female couple weren't more physically passionate, and no identifiable female climax was shown, but apart from that, it is an educational and enjoyable film.\n\nAlan and Donna Brauer, authors of _ESO: How You and Your Lover Can Give Each Other Hours of Extended Sexual Orgasm_ 4 _,_ clearly describe the kinds of muscular contractions that characterize ESO as a continuous, very intense experience of orgasm, that is reached after moving through one or more \"normal\" orgasms. Apart from this, there doesn't seem to be a substantial difference between their concept of ESO and Kathryn Grosz's. Their method of getting there seems to be very similar. It primarily involves switching the type of stimulation, just at the point of orgasm, from the G-spot to the glans of the clitoris and back again, and repeating that sequence so that the sensation continues to build. They also discuss \"reaching out\" for the sensation.\n\nPatricia Hunter is one of a team of three people who teaches these kinds of techniques to couples in the San Francisco Bay Area."}
+{"input": " **Prompt:**\n\nWrite about the concept of extended sexual orgasm (ESO), including its definition, the importance of communication skills and trust between partners, and the role of intuition in maintaining the state of ESO. Discuss the distinction between an extended orgasmic state and heightened arousal with a climax at the end of it. Provide examples of personal experiences with ESO and its impact on individuals. Mention the connection between ESO and tantric sex, but also emphasize that spiritual experiences can occur in various forms of sexual play. Finally, note that the experience of orgasm is subjective and should not be limited by rigid definitions or labels.", "response": "_It's very important to learn to relax and let your body vibrate. I see it as one quarter of each of the following: mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical. You're never going to get off the ground with just the physical. I see the spiritual and the intuitive as being the same. If you're able to do the physical, the mental, and the intuitive, then that will take care of blocked emotions. But you have to stop being goal-oriented, and you must have communication skills. Good communication requires trust, surrender, and being able to read one another. ESO is holographic with the rest of life: you must confront life, and your fears, and go through the obstacles that your mind presents: you must have more of a will to pleasure than to pain. Tantric teachers are teaching sexuality and sensuality, which is part of the picture, but it's the difference between a dance party and being a champion ballroom dancer._\n\n_It's like boiling water; once you've reached that state of boiling you can stay there as long as you can handle it. You're staying above and beyond going over the edge. Sometimes it's like holding onto the back of a jet plane; sometimes it's like the sun coming out. It can be very, very intense, and it's not always easy to stay there._\n\nPatricia and her partner, Jim, make a strong distinction between an extended orgasmic state and heightened arousal with a climax at the end of it. Patti and other women (and Jim and other men) have been in a state of extended orgasm for up to six hours. They were good enough to do a demo for me. Jim is unusually intuitive and can \"read\" what his partner needs from him: slight changes in rhythm and touch inside her vagina or on her clitoris; laying his arm gently along the center point of her belly as he strokes her clitoris, to put pressure on the uterus; or stroking her thighs and belly away from the genital area, to spread the sensation of orgasm  throughout the body. (Having the woman push outwardly with her pelvic muscles is another way of distributing the sensation.) His intuitive ability is certainly a major factor in being able to hold a woman in a state of extended orgasm.\n\nI watched as Jim sat cross-legged next to Patti and used two, three, or four fingers of one hand inside her while the other hand stimulated her clitoris. This was very familiar to me; many lesbians do this and create highly intuitive connections with their lovers. If they don't stay in a state of extended orgasm, it may only be because they haven't gotten over the \"get-it-over-with\" attitude to orgasm that is so common in our culture. During my research on the concept of extended orgasm, Jesse and I had several conversations about it, and she made these comments:\n\n _As I've thought and read about the possibilities of extended orgasm, I've begun to realize that I tend to bring myself down out of that period after orgasm as quickly as I can. I want to get normal, pull myself together. I don't have this attitude toward sex at all, but I do toward orgasm. I think if I could allow myself to stay in that period outside ordinary reality that occurs at the end of orgasm, when I'm very sensitive emotionally and physically, when I'm jerking and experiencing energy rushes through my body, the whole orgasm would continue._\n\nDorrie Lane's experience of ESO is a state she stays in without stimulation.\n\n_The extended orgasm I experience is about being in a very high floating state that wavers at the beginning of orgasm. It's the kundalini energy swirling up through my body, starting in my feet, and encompassing me and my partner. It's like a hot flash! It's a completely spontaneous thing. It's a state of vulnerability; you have to have real trust and total ease with your partner. You wouldn't do it on a one-night stand. I can stay in that state for twenty minutes or so without any stimulation. I've never done it masturbating._\n\n_Any thought pulls me out of it, even just the thought that I am doing it. I see it as a combination of the physical, mental, and emotional; it's a mixing of the three ingredients. I see the mental and the spiritual as being the same; if my mind is able to relax enough to let me be in the moment, then that being in the moment becomes a spiritual state. Practicing meditation helps you to learn to allow the mind to come to rest._\n\n_It's a gift. It happens when it's appropriate, and it's spontaneous. You can't intend for it to happen:; trying to make it happen gets in the way. You just have to be open to the little miracle that it is. I have faith in people's openheartedness. If they are looking for it, they'll find it. There isn't one key\u2014there are lots of them._\n\nExtended orgasm is a continual sensation, almost a plateau of orgasm, whereas multiple orgasms are ongoing individual orgasms, with a break in between each one, and then more stimulation to bring on the next one. However, these definitions are concrete\u2014and the experience of orgasm is not. It is possible that what one person is calling extended orgasm might be what the next person calls multiple orgasms. And who is to judge, since none of us can inhabit someone else's body? What is important is that we don't limit our concept of pleasure by sticking pedantically to a limited definition.\n\nExtended orgasm is frequently associated with tantric sex, which is currently enjoying an explosion in popularity. Tantra is derived from ancient Eastern religions that used certain sexual practices as a way of attaining spiritual enlightenment. But, as you may have realized by now, many women consider all kinds of sexual play to be spiritual, and it need not be labeled an extended orgasm for a woman to feel transported to a spiritual realm. Since no one can or should try to define or label someone else's experience, I have tried to present a variety of experiences with as much flexibility and as little labeling as possible. In the following chapter, I shall explore why a spiritual perspective can be useful with regard to sex and orgasm.\n\n#  _**Notes**_\n\n1 Gina Ogden, _Women Who Love Sex: Ordinary Women Describe Their Paths to Pleasure, Intimacy, and Ecstasy_ (Trumpeter, 2007). Originally published in 1994.\n\n2 DVD: _How to Be a Sex Goddess in 101 Easy Steps: The Sluts and Goddesses Video Workshop_ , produced and directed by Annie Sprinkle and Maria Beatty, 1992, 52 minutes.\n\n3 DVD: _The Art of Extended Sexual Orgasm for Men and Women_ , Kathryn Grosz, Pacific Media, 2004, 80 minutes.\n\n4 Alan and Donna Brauer, _ESO: How You and Your Lover Can Give Each Other Hours of Extended Sexual Orgasm_ (Grand Central Publishing, 2001). Originally published in 1983."}
+{"input": " **Prompt:**\n\nWrite about the spiritual experience of orgasm, including its connection to the feminine, intuition, feelings, and oneness. Discuss how sex can be a way of attaining deep joy and a means of connecting with something greater. Mention the concept of Tantra and its origins, as well as its potential benefits and misconceptions. Address the importance of addressing past traumas and healing in order to fully experience spiritual sex. Finally, emphasize the individual nature of spiritual experiences and the need for self-acceptance and self-love.", "response": "\n\n**CHAPTER** **5**\n\n**THE SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE OF ORGASM**\n\n_Sex is about a spirituality that encompasses and honors nature and the feminine. Awakening our sexuality and finding out how sensitive our bodies really are is a life-long journey about finding our deeper selves._\n\n**\u2014DEBORAH SUNDAHL**\n\n  \n\n\n  \n\n\n_Sex is very spiritual for me. I feel very connected to my partner and the universe and feel myself to be \"celebrating\" life, completely participating in the life stream!_\n\n  \n\n\n_I have had sex that felt very spiritual\u2014connections to deep goddess magic, or the stars, or working out past karma._\n\n  \n\n\n_Sex is spiritual; it is an experience of openness and vulnerability to the mystery. It is nourishing of all of my cells in a numinous energy infusion. It is ecstasy of the mystic variety. It is communion with the goddess. It places me in humble gratefulness\u2014in contact with the oneness of existence._\n\n  \n\n\n_Orgasm is a feeling of being deeply bonded with the universe. Yes, sex is spiritual! That energy is divine energy\u2026_\n\n#  **The Feminine**\n\nOver the last two centuries, we have become a patriarchal, technologically-based culture, and we have lost our connection to the earth, which is traditionally seen as feminine. We have placed great emphasis on the power of the intellect in an attempt to rise above our \"animal\" nature, and we have destroyed many wonderful natural resources in the process. Yet enormous joy lies in simply allowing ourselves to experience being one with the earth. The truth is, we are as much a product of the earth as any other animal, and, as earthquakes and storms and floods and tornadoes inform us, we are dependent on her for our well-being. We must learn to value our \"baser,\" animal, instinctual selves instead of perceiving them as inferior or undesirable.\n\nSome women feel that sex is specifically about connecting with the earth:\n\n _I have had times in my life, when I feel like making love to the earth\u2014her beauty is overwhelming._\n\n  \n\n\n_To truly love and enjoy during sex is a spiritual act\u2014it is celebrating our connection with our lovers and ourselves and the whole living earth we are part of._\n\n  \n\n\n_I experience spiritual orgasms when I meditate before or during sex, and then I feel connected with the earth and the spirit world around me. This is done by simply being and really letting go._\n\nThe \"feminine\" is manifested by intuition, by our feelings and our emotions, and by the sense of right and wrong that comes from our bodies, not from our intellect. Good sex cannot happen when the participants are coming from a purely intellectual place; good sex must involve feelings. For many  people, passionless sex just isn't worth the effort. When we get in touch with the feminine, we recognize that our bodies are sacred, and we allow ourselves to feel everything\u2014not just what has been deemed appropriate. Although this is sometimes painful, those who are willing to do it will find themselves more able to be fully present for life\u2014and for their sexual interactions.\n\n#  **Intuition and Feelings**\n\nProductivity is paramount in technologically-based, male-oriented societies. Being still, apparently doing nothing, is considered a waste of time. But there is a kind of inner knowing, or intuition, that comes from simply being very still and allowing sensations to arise from within. Men and women have equal access to this ability if they choose it, but it is a \"feminine\" way of being. Consequently, it has often been belittled or dismissed. In fact, in order for any of us, female or male, to be whole people, it is necessary to integrate the masculine and the feminine internally and externally. The process of women and men redefining womanhood and manhood creates a balance of power between the two, because, ultimately, femininity and masculinity have nothing to do with external gender. They have to do with energy, with styles of communication, with ways of carrying oneself, with approaches to problem solving, and many other aspects of life more subtle than the genitals we happen to be born with.\n\n_**Being in touch with our feelings facilitates an openness that promotes the potential for great sex.**_\n\nTo have really good sex, we must be in touch with our intuition, that sense in our gut of what is right and wrong, good and bad. We need to be able to feel sensations in a way that _we_ have been trained _not_ to. It was an integral part of my upbringing to deny my feelings, and if something felt wrong, physically or emotionally, it was my job to push on through and pretend everything was all right.\n\nIf there is anything I have learned over the last twenty-plus years, it is this: when something feels wrong, especially if it is a consistent feeling, even if it is only small and nagging, then it _must_ be brought out in the open and discussed. But in a male-dominated society, if you can't prove  something with a rational argument, then you don't get a lot of attention. Just saying, \"I don't want this; it doesn't feel good,\" is rarely considered an adequate reason for not doing it. Yet in truth, it is the best and should be the only reason.\n\nWe cannot have good sex without being in touch with our bodies, and being in touch with our bodies requires being in touch with our feelings. If we squelch our feelings, we are squelching our passion\u2014an essential ingredient of sex.\n\nI know I have already said it a number of times, and I will say it again: verbal communication is essential. Yet, real communication occurs on a gut, or intuitive, level, without words. This is the wordless rapport that makes for an exceptional sexual experience with a partner. The first step in opening to this deep, nonverbal communication is honest verbal communication.\n\nSelf-stimulation\u2014our relationship to our own bodies\u2014is a very important practice, but human beings are naturally gregarious and we need connections with other human beings. Being in touch with our feelings facilitates an open-ness that promotes the potential for very good sex.\n\n_Sex in a relationship is very important to me. It's about communication and really giving each other something._\n\nMany people believe that the goal of spirituality is to free ourselves from the roller coaster of our emotions. It is certainly desirable to be in and come from a place of love rather than a place of fear. But denial of our feelings is not going to bring us to a place of enlightenment. _There is no such thing as a wrong feeling\u2014there is only a wrong way to act._ We can learn to express difficult emotions in ways that don't damage other people. Getting in touch with our empathic and compassionate selves allows us to relinquish our judgmental tendencies. Being a spiritually aware person does _not_ mean relinquishing great passion and desire. It is my belief that any spiritual practice should involve being most fully who we are, and being wholeheartedly involved in everything we do. We are here on this earth to be human beings, not to rise above the experience of being human. And to be fully human means to be passionate, sexual, angry, grief-stricken, joyful, loving, wonderful.\n\n_I feel passion is always bubbling beneath the surface of my being._\n\n#  **Separation, Oneness, and Passion**\n\nIf I had to define spirituality, I would say it is the sense of our selves as not \"separate.\" We cannot be separate from something when we allow ourselves to feel passionate about it, when we throw ourselves into it with undiluted enthusiasm. We need to be able to do this with sex. Sadly, in our society, unrestrained passion is often seen as inappropriate, childlike behavior. It is considered mature, more adult, to distance ourselves from what we do and what we feel, and never to show signs of being out of control. The process of growing up could be interpreted as a process of defining and maintaining ourselves as separate.\n\n_Feeling intensely was the crime of my childhood and of my adolescence, and I was always told to put a lid on it. I've learned that putting a lid on it is what makes me really depressed._\n\nAnd no wonder! We in the West think we need to be in control all the time. We think the spiritual experience of oneness will involve a merging in which we will lose our sense of identity as an individual. It is true that during an experience of bliss (which may occur during a particularly wonderful sexual encounter) we may temporarily lose our sense of ourselves as individuals. But we will always regain it. Who we are as individuals is unique and significant, and our sense of ourselves as individuals is something we must maintain if we are going to function in the world. Each one of us is a very precious part of the whole, and the whole is not whole without each of us exactly as we are, imperfect but glorious beings in imperfect human forms.\n\nSo what do I mean by having a sense of ourselves as not separate? I believe it is when we know that God-ness is not an external concept; it is when we recognize that God-ness is who we really are, that what people call _God_ is everything. It is an experience of ourselves as an invaluable part of the whole. It is an experience of ourselves as whole, complete, and perfect. It is when we see the barriers between us as false, and we cease to judge what is good or beautiful. It is when we simply accept what is, and what is feels absolutely right, and we are an integral part of it. Sex can bring us to a place where we feel this blissful sense of merging.\n\n_When I have a really good orgasm, I lose a sense of my limited self and feel connected to something greater._\n\n  \n\n\n_Sex can be spiritual in the sense of experiencing a feeling of union with one's partner, that you both are part of something bigger. Sometimes with sex I have that \"cosmic bond\" feeling so common to acid trips._\n\nThe concept of \"something greater\" can be called by a variety of names. This is a quote from a man:\n\n _I whispered, \"You can't fool me; you're not making love to me, you're making love to God!\" Her answer was a wonderful \"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees.\"_\n\nA sense of oneness can be experienced for no apparent reason other than a sudden awareness of beauty and joy. Or a sudden experience of oneness can bring a deep sense of beauty and joy. Whichever way round, this sense of beauty is often what gives rise to the spontaneous orgasms described in the previous chapter.\n\nI hope that you experience sex as one way of attaining very deep and real joy. And for that reason alone it is worth doing. In my opinion, _any_ deep experience of joy is spiritual and may also be sexual.\n\n_I was born pansexual. It was simple; I loved everything erotically, sensuously, simply, and with all my complex senses. My pansexual response is in the act of wonder, of delighting in the exact being of any person or thing that I love. When I admire the sparkling mist on my cat's long black fur I am sexual in my wonder._\n\nIntimacy coach and sex and spirit healer Anna Marti says:\n\n _We've moved from the \"functional sex\" of the seventies where the emphasis was on achieving orgasm or erection, to an inquiry into sex that has meaning._\n\nMany women have a hard time with sex for the sake of sex, and they are looking for a higher purpose\u2014a spiritual connection.\n\n#  **Tantra**\n\nHere in the West, the study of Tantra has gone from an obscure, esoteric, and scholarly subject to being the hottest topic in town. Tantric sex is seen by some as the institutionalized spiritualization of sex. It is big business here in the United States, with all kinds of people teaching it, some of them wonderful and some of them charlatans. Traditional Tantra comes from ancient Buddhist and Hindu texts, and involves an immensely complex body of spiritual knowledge and practice. In its original form it was a series of rituals and practices which were designed to benefit an individual's health and ultimately promote union with the Divine. The central idea is to raise the _kundalini_ , or dormant life-force energy within us, which is often depicted as a serpent lying coiled at the base of the spine. Raising the kundalini, so that it flows upward through the body and finally out through the top of the head, can be achieved by conscious focus of the breath and via the energy flow that is kindled during sexual excitement.\n\nBecause, in the West, Tantra is so often reduced to its sexual aspects, it is frequently touted as a quick way to achieve sexual ecstasy. The true path of Tantra, like any spiritual path, involves a deep commitment to examining ourselves and our ways of being in the world; the goal is not to have great sex, it is to achieve enlightenment through sexual activity. It involves high levels of responsibility and integrity. And that's not something you can do in a weekend, no matter how much you pay for it. Be prepared: if you make a commitment to following the path of Tantric sexuality, you will make big changes in your life that may require a lot of personal healing work. As you may have realized by now, I believe this kind of work is essential if you are really going to have phenomenal sex, because having phenomenal sex can't be divorced from having a phenomenal life. Incredible sex, Tantric or otherwise, only happens when all parties are present, and that, in turn, involves being in a place of complete integrity.\n\n_I cannot separate sex and my spirituality. My spirituality involves acting at all times with an inner integrity. To connect with and truly respect a lover, and first of all you must feel this within yourself, is to honor the sacred, the goddess, the higher self, whatever we choose to name it._\n\nBe assured that if there are lots of things going wrong in your life, Tantric sex is _not_ going to make them miraculously better. If the reason you are not having good sex is because you keep choosing lousy partners, or you have no partner at all, or you have no idea how to communicate, learning about Tantric sex will only help you insofar as any path of healing will help you to get to the root of what is wrong. Don't get sucked in by promises of a lifetime of sexual ecstasy from one weekend. We all have difficult issues around our sexuality. One weekend workshop may help you begin to delve into some of the very painful places in your life that need healing. But just as you start to get into them, the weekend is over and you are dumped back into your life with gaping wounds and nowhere to go to get help.\n\nOn the other hand, such workshops may help you help your partner, and be of little or no use to you.\n\n_I have attended two Tantra classes. So far they have only helped me with pleasing my partner._\n\nTantric sex is one of many paths of healing available to us, and it may or may not be suited to you. It is not a quick fix. _Needing_ to experience sex as spiritual (in the sense of its being \"more\" than merely physical) may be just as limiting as needing for sex _not_ to be spiritual. Sex is what it is, spiritual or otherwise. Some people may choose the Tantric path because they are afraid of messy animal passions, and they think that sex dressed up in the saffron robes of spirituality will be clean and nice and pure. In reality, what they may be looking for is a way of avoiding the intense feelings that come up for them when they are sexual. Some women have been so damaged by sex that they are afraid of it. Women who feel this way need to confront and attend to those very feelings they are trying to avoid and embark on the process of healing.\n\n_So much abuse, sexual and otherwise, has hurt many women, so that trusting and experiencing sex as a spiritual act may not be possible or appropriate._\n\nOther people are alienated by the image of spiritually oriented sex and the quite common misconception that that kind of sex will be devoid of passion, practiced exclusively by those with holier-than-thou  attitudes. While I can really understand this, let me make it clear that sex that is spiritually based is not necessarily divorced from passion; in its most ecstatic manifestations, it has everything to do with passion, as this woman clearly expresses:\n\n _My orgasms are much less thrilling without the component of foreplay, tension, and, at this point in my life, a spiritual component with my lover. It isn't so much a \"pure\" thing (I like it nasty and wild, some force and some surrender), it is the inclusion and awareness of the whole person._\n\nThere are a number of excellent books on Tantra. Some include complex breathing exercises that take a considerable commitment to master, but others dwell on techniques for channeling energy and developing better communication with your partner. Anyone may benefit from incorporating some aspects of Tantra into their sex life, and you may find it happens very easily.\n\n_My partner and I started off working with methods from a book, but then our practice evolved organically from our own sexuality._\n\n#  **Kundalini**\n\nThe _kundalini_ is the constant natural flow of energy coursing through our bodies, and it may be greatly amplified during an orgasm. But blockages can occur at any of the _chakras_ **,** which are the seven principal energy centers within the body. Think of them as staging areas for the kundalini as it travels up and down the spine. The symptoms that we experience as a result of a blockage depend on where that block is localized. The second chakra, based between the navel and the pubic bone, is the center of our emotions and our sexual power. Blocks at the second chakra can inhibit us from letting go into orgasm or prevent us from getting in touch with our feelings. It is very common in our culture to have blocks in the second chakra, and working on their release can have far-reaching effects on both our physical and emotional health.\n\nIf we are unable to fully release the energy of orgasm, we may find  ourselves suffering from a variety of post-orgasmic physical symptoms, such as headaches, nausea, and extremes of temperature. Sometimes these symptoms can be remedied by making sure your blood sugar level is high enough and you are sufficiently hydrated. But if the symptoms are the result of \"stuck\" energy at a particular chakra, then conscious work on freeing up the blocked area may be necessary.\n\nWhen its flow is unhindered, kundalini energy acts like a wave that washes through us, clearing out obstacles in its path. Many women experience orgasm as a feeling of opening and a cleansing on many levels. The seventh chakra, located at the top of our heads, is the chakra that connects us to cosmic or divine energy\u2014all that is. An orgasm that comes flooding up through the body and out the crown of our heads often leaves us with an experience of oneness with the universe. Learning to let an orgasm fill up your whole being brings with it a unique sense of rejuvenation.\n\n_It's as if sex is what charges my batteries, and I can run for a good long while when I've got a good charge, but only so long. Being in a nonsexual place is not good for me; it's like cutting me off from my life energy, from my energy source. It's cutting myself off from the most real, deepest part of me, the real true me._\n\nThe third chakra is the center of the will; it is concerned with power and control. An individual may use the willpower of the third chakra to prevent the orgasmic energy from rising up, to protect the heart (the fourth chakra) from the overwhelming emotions that sometimes accompany an orgasm. If sexual energy is prevented from rising to the heart, you may have difficulty connecting sex with love. You may make a conscious choice to remove the block, and use the energy of orgasm to wash the block away.\n\nDirecting energy is very simple: just focus your attention on wherever you want it to go, as you feel yourself approaching the crest of the wave of orgasm. You need not do this with a lover; in fact, it may be easier to do it on your own, at least to begin with. You can prolong the experience by stopping yourself at the point just before going over. As you practice you will be able to stay in that state of \"suspended\" ecstasy for long periods.\n\n_I'm aware of the energy rising, and I use techniques to help it rise. I place one hand on my clitoris, and then I touch each of the other six chakra centers, one by one, very slowly, my head last. That way the energy goes out the top of my head when I come. It's very much a spiritual experience._\n\n#  **The Breath**\n\n_The single most important key to sex that I've yet discovered is conscious rhythmic breathing\u2014the more you breathe the more you feel, and the more you come alive\u2026 Many of us breathe only enough to survive but not to live fully. Deep breathing is a door to waking up, to healing, and to more personal freedom._\n\n**\u2014DR. ANNIE SPRINKLE**\n\n  \n\n\nWorking with the breath is an important part of Tantric exercises and kundalini yoga. Breath is more than just air; it oxygenates our blood, which allows our miraculous brains and bodies to function. Experiment with different kinds of breathing: short, quick breaths or long, deep ones, emptying or filling your lungs completely, long inhale and short exhale, or vice versa, and any combination of these. Try visualizing the breath as energy. Conscious breathing will enhance your sex life in different ways: pull the breath down into your belly if you want to build energy; or imagine the air flowing up and out from your belly if you want to release energy. You may use the breath to concentrate the energy within or release it from any part of your body. But be aware that this kind of physical work may bring up feelings that you have unconsciously kept buried.\n\n_I consciously focus on following a connection through my body with the life-force energy. It feels different when I touch myself with this intention, even though physically I may be doing exactly the same things as when my thoughts are less \"pure!\" My orgasms from this are often quite intense. If I do it when I'm not relaxed and in tune, then opening myself up psychically like this can bring up a lot of different and sometimes difficult issues._\n\nSynchronizing rhythmic breathing with body movements can promote deep healing. The following technique was described to me by Jwala, who has done workshops on Tantric sex all over the world:\n\n _I have women lie on their backs and breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth. I call it connected breathing, breathing in a circle with no holding at either end. This breathing stimulates the lymphatic system, which is where old memories are held. So this breathing can heal old emotional or physical memories. I have women do a pelvic rock in time with their breathing. On the inhale they push their bellies out and lift their backs off the floor, tilting the pelvis downward. On the exhale they flatten the back, tilting the pelvis upward, and contracting the PC muscle. The inhale and the exhale are the same length. The inhale pulls in inspiration and healing energy, and the exhale pushes out the painful memories that have come to the surface and need to be released. The PC muscle acts as a sexual pump, and as you undulate with the pelvic rock, the spinal-cerebral fluid is stimulated._\n\n#  **Meditation**\n\nSpending ten minutes a day sitting in meditation can calm you down, relieve stress, teach you to be aware of the movement of energy within your body, and help you to get in touch with your feelings. Meditation is about quieting the mind. In this culture we are generally encouraged to keep our minds \"gainfully\" occupied and thus distracted from looking within. Most of us are run by inner voices that are constantly telling us what to do. Quieting those voices is essential if you want to tap into your intuition, and if you want to be really present for anything.\n\nSome people experience oneness when they meditate. They arrive at a state of \"no-thought,\" where they lose their sense of separation. As Jana, the Buddhist monk, says, this is the same place you can get to during orgasm:\n\n _A really good orgasm takes me to a place that it takes in months of sitting in za-zen to get to._\n\nLetting go into sexual ecstasy is not so different from letting go into spiritual ecstasy, after all. They both require going beyond the gratification of the ego, and this requires coming from a place of integrity and honesty.\n\nThere are many different methods of meditating and there are marvelous teachers and books on the subject. If you want to meditate specifically as an aid to your sexual awareness, you can even masturbate as a meditation: learning to be fully focused, present, and centered in your experience of sexual arousal.\n\n#  **Love, Sex, and Sanity**\n\nSpirituality is about learning to love. Our lessons in love very often come from the people we are sexual with. Therefore, although it is a concept we have lost sight of in our society, I see relationship as a spiritual practice.\n\nWe are rarely encouraged to love unconditionally, unless it is in the context of religion or patriotism. How we are \"supposed\" to feel about someone is based on all kinds of external judgments. Parents are supposed to love their children, and children their parents. You are supposed to feel a greater kinship with someone from your own country than you are toward people from other countries. You are not supposed to feel sexual love for someone much younger or much older than yourself. You are supposed to love your spouse to the exclusion of all others. You are not supposed to feel sexual love toward anyone of the same gender. In reality, however, love is rarely so discriminatory.\n\n_Love is a way of being in the world._\n\nLearning to love fully involves opening your heart. Opening your heart is not easy if you have learned to keep it closed to prevent experiencing pain and loss. You _will_ experience pain and loss when you open your heart, but you will also experience the love, joy, and connections with other beings that make life worth living. Opening your heart may be a long, slow process. You open it a little and then close it a little, open it, close it. A great orgasm can sweep away the blocks that build up in day-to-day living.\n\n_When my heart is open, love comes flowing in from whomever or whatever I'm loving, as well as from the earth, the sky, the goddess._\n\nHowever, I am not saying that if you open your heart, you are going to want to be sexual with everyone, nor that if you are sexual with lots of people, you are going to open your heart to them all. Be compassionate, but be discerning about who you open up to sexually. Just because you are sexual with someone doesn't mean it is wise to open your heart to that person on a long-term basis. The person who was with you when you had that great orgasm (or two or three or four\u2026) might have been wonderful last night, but you made the love happen together, and chances are that you can also experience love in other ways and from other sources. When you've just had an incredible orgasm, you may reach a kind of altered state where you are highly receptive or suggestible. In this state you can become disoriented and make unwise decisions.\n\n_When I'm with the right person it's easier to slip out of \"reality\" in that intimate space so that I get the feeling we are both caught up in something bigger than us, which I regard as the life force / source. I don't often orgasm in this situation\u2014lots of intense coming feelings with no real peak\u2014but if I do come it's a definite merging / boundary-less space of all body / no body rolling and tumbling like a pebble at the edge of the ocean. Post-orgasm, I have real difficulty focusing and \"see\" my lover quite differently._\n\nWhether or not you end up in a long-term relationship with any lover, allow the love to empower you in _yourself_ and in your life. I'm not saying you shouldn't stay with one person for the rest of your life. If that's what works for you, then go for it. But this model simply doesn't work for everyone, and if it doesn't work for you, then don't beat yourself up over it. There are plenty of other models that might work for you. They are, or should be, a matter of individual choice.\n\n_I suppose one day when I'm ninety I might feel differently, but right now I can't imagine one person fulfilling me sexually._\n\n  \n\n\n_It would be too exhausting to be sexual with lots of people, not because of the sex, but the aftereffects._\n\n  \n\n\n_It doesn't work for me to limit myself to having only one sexuallove relationship, any more than it would for me to say I will have only one friend._\n\n  \n\n\n_It all just seems too dicey and complicated to get into being sexual with someone that I don't have a major commitment to._\n\nIn theory, opening your heart is not dependent on being in a relationship, but for many women sex is a way of bonding with their partner. In fact, most women can't separate their sexual experiences from their feelings for their partner. And sex is incredible when it is combined with a psychic and emotional connection.\n\n_There's a huge difference in intensity of orgasms, from functional when self-stimulated, to incredibly intense within a committed lover relationship._\n\n  \n\n\n_Sex with another person is about melting, opening, fusing, sharing._\n\nIn the long term, sex is undeniably about the way we relate to the rest of the world, but in the short term, sex doesn't have to be about anyone else at all, it can just be about you and your relationship to the forces of life. This is what Linci means when she says that sex is a spiritual experience, and it being so is _not_ dependent on her having a deep emotional bond with her partner. We tend to look for someone outside of our selves to make us feel good. Sometimes we get so busy searching for a relationship, when what we really need to do is to look within and learn to love ourselves.\n\n_It's easier to immerse myself in bad habits and familiar ways of being in the world than to take the courage to admire myself, to step into the sacred space with myself to see all of who I am._\n\nIt is easy to get caught up in negative relationship patterns because love is so important to us, that we may be unable to see beyond our fear of losing  it. It is a very real human need, to want to feel loved by others. When we're getting enough love, life is much more likely to seem wonderful. But love from others will never fill the vacuum that exists if we don't love ourselves. We will never have really good relationships until we know how to love ourselves.\n\nThe fact that many women don't have satisfactory sex lives is often because of problems they are having in relating to their sexual partners. The root cause may be that a woman has not looked at her own issues and hasn't learned to love herself. This may take many forms: perhaps she is clinging to the lover she has, instead of trusting that there are other people in the world she can be close to; perhaps she wants the relationship to be a certain way instead of letting it evolve; perhaps she is withholding emotions; perhaps she is afraid of asking for what she wants; perhaps she loses a sense of herself when she is in a relationship.\n\n_I think I'm actually less likely to have great sex with someone when I'm in a relationship with them where I have all kinds of expectations and needs. Intimacy seems to wreck the sex part._\n\nA relationship, whether sexual or not, is the single most valuable arena for learning about ourselves that we will ever find. Every kind of relationship, whether easy or difficult or somewhere in the middle, reflects something we can look at and learn from, or persistently choose to ignore. If you choose to ignore them, then you will be the poorer, though I fully acknowledge that some lessons are hard to look at. The key to being able to look at these things honestly is self-acceptance. We all have faults, not one of us is perfect, and _we are not meant to be perfect._ Accept yourself as you are, and you can begin to work with what you've got.\n\nIn the ideal relationship, sex is about love; it is about a heart connection, about merging with your partner, about oneness with all things. But most relationships cannot maintain such an intense level of intimacy every day. A relationship doesn't have to be all or nothing; it can be somewhere in between. You don't have to move in with your lover just because you have outrageous sex, and you don't have to experience merging with the universe every time you make love. You can love someone and be very close, and only occasionally be sexual with them. Or you can love someone and have great sex, and know that you don't want to  see them every day, and don't want to share your household with them.\n\n_I had an orgasm once without any direct physical stimulation at all, and it was one of those the-Buddha-came-down-and-puta-lotus-in-my-heart kind of things. That was with a guy I really trusted sexually and had known for years but wasn't in any kind of committed relationship with. We'd had an on-and-off sexual thing for years. I made myself really vulnerable with him and I had a real crush on him, but I didn't feel like I could ever have a partnership thing with him._\n\nSociety doesn't accord much status to relationships that don't include a live-in scenario. In reality, the sexual connection, and the love between you and your partner, may benefit from maintaining a certain independence. Moreover, just because you love one person doesn't mean you cannot love another, and opening your heart to someone does not mean giving yourself up to that person. These are some of the hardest lessons for women to learn.\n\n_All relationships are games. Games can be wonderful or they can involve manipulation, deceit, and worse._\n\n_\u2014_ **PATRICIA HUNTER**\n\n  \n\n\nThere is a great deal of emphasis placed on finding the \"right\" person to love and then staying with that person for the rest of your life. Many women equate having a partner with happiness. They are searching for self-completion through the relationship, and they place more importance on maintaining the relationship than they do on their own needs.\n\n_I still have the model of monogamous heterosexual marriage stored in my bones, no matter how much I've strayed from the norm. We focus our needs for intimacy on our sexual partners and we don't develop it with others in our lives. Then we become unduly dependent on the person we are sexual with._\n\n  \n\n\n_It's been difficult for me to love and to learn to preserve my own space._\n\nComing to terms with the fact that a relationship isn't working may mean allowing ourselves to feel grief. But in the long run, facing our grief will allow us to make changes that need to be made, so we can let go and open up to something that could be more fulfilling.\n\n_Now that my body can get to experience full-blown ejaculatory orgasm, I find that what I'm longing for is a deep, loving, spiritual connection. I've gradually discovered that my present husband doesn't enjoy the activities that turn me on, like dancing, swimming, singing, hiking, artwork. So I have turned to other people to share these enthusiasms, and I feel lonely with him. My body will still have a full-blown orgasm if stimulated enough, but my heart is not in it._\n\nIt is a concept most of us are brought up with, that real love lasts forever, and there is something wrong with us if we can't make it last forever. Real love _is_ immutable, but the external manifestations of that love (our relationships) must be allowed to evolve. Trying to control your partner or keep your relationship in stasis may be the quickest way to ensure the demise of spontaneity and desire.\n\n_Sometimes I want sex to be just sex, without all the complications._\n\n  \n\n\n_Sometimes it seems a lot less complicated to have sex with people you don't love. But in the long run, I know I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with my partner._\n\nIn case you are thinking otherwise, let me assure you I am a great believer in long-term relationships, although I don't _depend_ on them remaining sexual. There is a certain depth of intimacy that you can achieve with long-term partners, even if you cease to be passionate with them, that is irreplaceable. Just because you meet new people you love, doesn't mean you have to stop loving the old ones. And although sex can be a wonderful way of manifesting love, it is certainly not the only way.\n\nSome women can have great sex with someone they don't love or don't know, and other women need that special connection to make sex  really worthwhile. Some women long only for a lifetime partner, while others want lots of lovers. Whatever you choose, make sure it is a free choice and not a reaction to your fears. And do not judge others for their choices. There is no right way of relating to other people and no path that is more \"spiritual\" than any other.\n\n_I can have good orgasms with someone I don't know or even like very much. I don't have to feel taken care of. I just have to know that I'm not going to be abused._\n\n  \n\n\n_There's something very clean about being with a stranger, because you have no baggage._\n\n  \n\n\n_I'm always looking for sex that is a psychic, spiritual, emotional union with another person. Strangers don't do it for me. I seem to have to be in love for the sex to be really good. But I can be in love with more than one person at a time, and I often get that feeling pretty early on with someone._\n\n  \n\n\n_I see my lover as my lifetime partner, and our relationship is part of my spiritual path._\n"}
+{"input": "Could not generate response.", "response": "\n\n**CHAPTER** **6**\n\n**THE ELUSIVE ORGASM**\n\n_In the last twenty-five years, women have learned more about their bodies, although the feeling still lingers that needing clitoral stimulation for an orgasm is not as good. So the situation has improved, but we still have many of the same issues: women are still suffering from childhood abuse issues, and women are still bringing anger into the bedroom._\n\n**\u2014LONNIE BARBACH**\n\n  \n\n\n  \n\n\n_I generally consider orgasm to be one aspect of lovemaking; contentment and intimacy do not pivot upon climax._\n\n  \n\n\n_I am not interested in trying to have more orgasms or \"better\" ones. I feel that I've \"been there, done that.\" I'm so happy just to satisfy my natural sexual needs with someone who loves me. If I come, it's great, and if I don't, it's no big deal to me\u2026in my first marriage it was made a big deal and I was so miserable!_\n\n#  **Variations in Desire**\n\nEven easily orgasmic women go through phases when they don't have orgasms. There are bound to be times when we just don't want to be sexual, and diminished (or absent) desire may last for several hours or several years. People often point to hormonal variations as the overt cause, but there are many reasons why our hormones vary, and those reasons are harder to pinpoint. We need to look deeper. Sometimes it's simply part of the monthly menstrual cycle:\n\n _My body needs to be receptive to sex, which it often isn't, but the best time is right after my period. My orgasms are best after my period because my body is craving sex. Other times of the month sex can feel like an invasion and I do not enjoy it._\n\nNot everyone feels sexual right after their period. Some women are horniest when they are ovulating, and others at the beginning of their period. Terry very specifically says she wants penetration during her period. Many women don't notice any monthly variation in desire.\n\nIt is important for us to learn to respect the times when our bodies don't want sex no matter how much our minds might think it's a good idea. Due to the pressures of the society we live in, it is often impossible for us to give in to the needs dictated by our monthly cycles. Perhaps the day will come when we arrange our schedules according to our hormones, but for now we are usually forced to make our hormones fit into our schedules, which is often easier said than done.\n\nSexual desire apart, all sorts of feelings may be simmering under the surface throughout the month and only become obvious when a woman is premenstrual. Hormonal cycles are often belittled with remarks like, \"Oh, she's just on her period,\" but it is important to realize that the feelings that come up for a woman when she is menstrual or premenstrual are feelings that exist for her all the time. A woman may feel consistent ambivalence about sex, and it's only when her hormones are raging that she recognizes it. Whatever feelings come up, they are real, they are important, and they need to be attended to. And it will probably be easier to express them appropriately if their owner is not trying to ignore them. When feelings come out covertly, they are much more likely to be damaging.\n\nWomen's bodies change with the onset of menopause, and their  patterns of desire may increase or decrease. Even if sexual desire remains the same, some women find that their sexual responses are different.\n\n_My interest in sex dropped dramatically upon entering the menopause years._\n\n  \n\n\n_My orgasms have changed since I became menopausal. There are often several plateaus which seem like they might be a rather mild orgasm, but if I continue sexual stimulation the energy continues to build to a powerful orgasm. I can also stop at any of the plateaus and be satisfied. Previously I could move more quickly to a powerful orgasm, and my body seemed to demand that I get there. Now my sexual energy is slower._\n\nMy personal experience with menopause is that I have just as much or more sexual desire, but my orgasms are less explosive and more diffuse than they used to be. Once again, women differ. There may be so many other physical or psychological factors affecting us during this period of our lives that it becomes impossible to pinpoint what is cause and what is effect.\n\n#  **Hysterectomies, Medications, and Aging**\n\nWomen are likely to notice a difference in their sexual responses following a hysterectomy.1 It is commonly reported by the medical establishment that if the ovaries are not removed, then a woman's hormonal cycles, and consequently her sexuality, are not affected. But we know that the uterus contracts during sexual excitement; if there is no uterus, then there may not be the same sensations of pleasure. Some women have reported their orgasms occurring in the place where their uterus once lay before it was removed. Other women enjoy sex less after a hysterectomy. Unfortunately, doctors rarely inform women of this possibility. In fact, doctors often seem to be unaware of this particular side effect of the surgery.\n\nA woman facing a hysterectomy might want to express her concerns to her surgeon.\n\n_The existence and location of the G-spot is extremely important for surgeons to consider when performing operations. Cutting in the wrong place may deprive certain women of future pleasure\u2026this may depend upon the type of surgery performed as well as which nerves and tissues were disturbed. (From_ The G-Spot _, by Ladas, Whipple, and Perry_ _2_ _)_\n\nThere are many kinds of medical problems that affect sexuality. Endometriosis, interstitial cystitis, and fibroid tumors can all cause pain with sexual arousal or intercourse. Medications can affect sexual desire in various ways. Medication to lower blood pressure also lowers desire. All antidepressants (except Wellbutrin and Serzone) are reported (by the manufacturers as well as by consumers) to affect sexuality, either frequently or occasionally. One doctor I spoke with said that 13 \u2013 26 percent of women taking Prozacrelated antidepressants will suffer from anorgasmia as a result. Patients are seldom informed of this side effect, since doctors are reluctant to discourage them from taking the medication. Some people don't notice anything, but others experience a wide variety of effects, from increase or lessening of desire to different sorts of sexual dysfunction. Lisa describes her experience on Prozac:\n\n _The medication affects my timing: when the action is really hot, and I'm having passionate sex and I want to come, I can't; then when the party is over I have an orgasm, but it's really too late. There have been times when I've had to work so hard for an orgasm that it just wasn't worth it._\n\nPeople often think that older women have less sexual desire, an assumption that is by no means always true. The women I spoke with who were over sixty had all noticed changes, but not always a decrease, in desire. Some women find that they feel freer to be themselves and are better able to express their passion as they get older.\n\n_I think that in spite of the volatile passions of young womanhood, age has brought me the real gift of passion. I love its physical surge, I love that it comes surging out of me when I think the lid is on._\n\n#  **Disappearing Orgasms**\n\nAlmost all the women I spoke with have had the experience at one time or another of a disappearing orgasm; the energy gets to a peak, from which it normally floods through the body, and instead of doing so, it just isn't there any more. Donna says it's almost as though the orgasm implodes. It doesn't bother her because she has orgasms easily. But for women who don't come as easily, it can be frustrating when they fizzle out.\n\nI've had the experience of getting to a peak and failing to go over the edge into orgasm. Since being at that peak is wonderful in itself, I usually don't mind that I don't go over the edge, and I enjoy retaining the sensations of arousal. It was more frustrating back in the days when I wasn't sure I would be able to come at all. On a mental level I wanted to have something I could definitely label orgasm, and I wanted my partner to feel that she had satisfied me. Now that I have orgasms more easily, I don't depend on them for satisfaction.\n\nA number of women said they weren't always certain whether they were coming or not, which suggests that the boundaries between orgasm and being highly charged sexually\u2014almost coming, on the edge of coming\u2014are somewhat blurred. I know that I have had the experience of not being sure whether what just happened was an orgasm. Since I no longer have the same need for a label, it doesn't matter. An orgasm can vary from a full-blown explosion that leaves you feeling totally relaxed, to what Clara calls an almost-asm, which is a peak without any real release. A long buildup may slowly fade away to nothing without any kind of explosion, or an orgasm can come very fast and be gone just as swiftly. There may be very little experience of a peak, simply a sense of excitement followed by a sense of relaxation. There may be a very clear and definite peak, or there may be none. And there are many variations in between.\n\n#  **Recognizing an Orgasm**\n\nSometimes what it takes for us to recognize orgasms is for someone else to tell us that it seems as though we are having them. We can train ourselves to feel something physically, when we have a mental assurance that it exists. You might think this is delusion, but in truth, the labels we put on our experiences are only labels. What matters is enjoying ourselves.\n\nThat said, we may still want to know. Some women say that you can tell  when you've had an orgasm because there is a sense of ending\u2014a culmination\u2014followed by a cessation in desire. This may be a way of divining the difference between what is an orgasm and what isn't, if you have very mild ones. If you masturbate regularly and have not experienced anything you would label as an orgasm, then ask yourself what it is that makes you decide to stop masturbating. If the answer is, \"Why would I go on?\" then you are probably having very mild orgasms. Don't worry: with a little time and concentration you will very likely build up to bigger ones.\n\nIt is true that some women have one big orgasm and that's it\u2014they don't want to be touched any more. But just as many women claim that they can come all night, which doesn't fit with the idea of an orgasm being the point where desire ceases. Other women (such as myself) need to have multiple orgasms before we feel satisfied; having only one is going over the top, but only just, and it does not involve a cessation of desire.\n\nIt is also not uncommon for a woman to feel overwhelmed by the desire to stop being sexual when she has _not_ had an orgasm. Laura used to think that orgasms were overrated, because she always arrived at a point during lovemaking when she suddenly stopped wanting sex. She thought that cessation of desire was an orgasm, because it certainly was an ending for her.\n\n_I'd try and try and try to stay with my sexual desire until he came, for his sake, but then I'd hit a wall and I'd start crying, because I just couldn't go on any more._\n\nOther women say that the sensation of being penetrated can become too much quite abruptly, without any sensation of orgasm.\n\n_Sometimes with penetration, the excitement can build and then I'll suddenly feel satiated, or that I just can't take any more._\n\nThe feeling of \"stop now!\" is not necessarily connected with orgasm at all. Instead, it may be a sense of anxiety that surfaces without warning from the unconscious, rather than any physically based reaction. It may be prompted by a buried memory of past abuse.\n\n#  **Anorgasmic Women**\n\nHow many women really don't have orgasms? Probably many more than we realize, since it's hard for a woman to admit she doesn't have them. I received completed questionnaires from ninety-five women, and I personally spoke with thirty more women. Of these one hundred twenty-five, six of them (aged twenty-three, twenty-eight, thirty-six, forty-one, forty-seven, and fifty-nine) were anorgasmic, one (aged sixty-two) wasn't sure, and one didn't have an orgasm till she was forty-one. Several women said they were dissatisfied with their sexual responses: one said she didn't think she was experiencing her full potential of orgasm; another was frustrated because she could only have orgasms on her own, not with her boyfriend. It is notable that the majority of women who filled in the questionnaire were in their thirties and forties. I think there are many teenagers who don't have orgasms, and they aren't going to talk about it. I only heard from three women under twenty, all of whom were orgasmic. Although there is far more real information available about sex these days than there was twenty or thirty years ago, people have to _want to_ find it, and in some ways there is less encouragement to look for it than there was ten years ago (perhaps because of fear of AIDS, perhaps because of the backlash against the sexual revolution of the seventies). A lot of women who are not having satisfactory sex don't know how to address that, or want to avoid addressing it.\n\nThere are probably also a number of older women who are not having orgasms because they are from a generation that didn't experiment much, due to fewer options and less efficient methods of birth control. Uncooperative partners may always be a problem.\n\n_My husband didn't appreciate my need for clitoral stimulation during intercourse. I think he felt like vaginal stimulation from him should be sufficient. He said I was too demanding._\n\nOn the other hand, some older women are having better sex than they were earlier on in life.\n\n_Now that I'm fifty I expect to have orgasms when I'm making love, even multiple orgasms. But I wouldn't have expected to have an orgasm with my lover in my twenties._\n\nThis may be biological, it may be a matter of the self-confidence that comes with age, or it may be thanks to greater access to birth control, which is bound to make women feel more relaxed in bed. Most likely it is because sex (and life in general) is a learned activity that gets better with practice. Speaking from my own experience, some of us just get less uptight as we get older, as we begin to heal from the negative effects of repressive childhoods.\n\nAs I've said earlier, I never intended my survey to be statistically viable. However, other surveys do claim to be statistically sound. I am very suspicious of such claims because I think women are very unlikely to say anything at all if they don't have orgasms. Therefore I believe we're only hearing from the ones who do orgasm.\n\n_If a woman is ashamed of being anorgasmic she's not likely to say it to anyone, especially eye to eye._\n\n_\u2014_ **LONNIE BARBACH**\n\n  \n\n\nFor what it's worth, the 1992 National Health and Social Life Survey3 found that only 29 percent of women regularly have an orgasm with a partner. A 1995 lesbian sex survey by Janet Lever, PhD,4 indicated that 83 percent of lesbians have orgasms with their partners. Since the lesbian survey was concerned with a more specific population than the NHSLS study, the two surveys are not really comparable. But if lesbians are more likely to have orgasms than heterosexual women, it may be because female sex partners are more likely to have an intimate understanding of how another woman's body responds. And if the couple has a goal, that goal is more likely to be orgasm for both lovers in a lesbian exchange, whereas it might be intercourse, with or without the woman's orgasm, in a heterosexual exchange.\n\nRita is a twenty-three-year-old woman who doesn't have orgasms. When I interviewed Rita, what impressed me most about her was her willpower. She has a brain that doesn't quit. She thinks about and analyzes everything, and that is how she asserts herself in the world, how she makes herself feel safe and in control.\n\n_It took me a really long time to acknowledge I had feelings at all, much less sexual feelings. I was just really shut down._\n\nLike so many other people, when she was still very young Rita learned that it was necessary to stay in control of her body and her feelings at all times. And because she is very mentally agile, it wasn't hard for her to learn to control the physical manifestations of sexual desire. It may be harder for her to dismantle her belief system and unlearn that skill, but I have no doubt that she will be able to do it. She is clearly a sexual person; she has been interested in sex since she was ten, she enjoys sex, and she masturbates regularly. Rita is on a path of sexual exploration and is willing to take the time to learn how to let go into orgasm.\n\nI asked her if she thought it was possible that she was having orgasms and just not allowing herself to feel them consciously.\n\n_I suppose it's possible, although I think it's very unlikely. I know I'm not feeling a waterfall, or an earthquake, but I do reach these intense peaks. They're not satisfying, though. I feel that if I could just let go and go with this, then it would be satisfying. I never can let go._\n\nRita also talked about hitting a wall, which she has since learned to back away from.\n\n_I've learned to stop before I get to that wall. Physically it's so intense, I just can't handle it. I don't know how to process that level of intensity. I don't know how to understand it. I have to be able to grasp it and intellectualize it, and I can't do that. It feels like I'm on the edge of this cliff and I can't fall, and I'm going to fall. I get all tense. I can't relax. It's very anticlimactic._\n\nThe brick wall phenomenon is reported by quite a few women who have trouble reaching an orgasm. There are various ways of working with it, such as giving it a voice, examining it, making friends with it, or finding a way around it. Whatever you choose to do, it is advisable to acknowledge its presence and try to discover the reason for its existence, rather than to try and smash your way through it.\n\nRita, with her strong will and analytical mind, is probably fairly typical of the kind of women who do not easily let go into orgasm. I believe that we may use the power of the conscious mind to prevent our bodies from  expression and feeling. We build a wall between what we think is \"acceptable\" or safe, and what our bodies desire, and from a very young age, we exert conscious control to maintain that wall. This conscious control becomes so habitual, it ceases to be conscious, and we then can't reverse it when we decide it's time to have an orgasm, or cry, or express anger, or do any of the other things we have consigned to the other side of the wall. It is only when our guard drops that we find ourselves expressing these aspects of ourselves.\n\n_I once had a lover who could only come in her sleep, from an erotic dream. It would happen about once a month. If she woke up, the orgasm would stop, so she'd actively try not to surface into a waking state. Years later, she told me she did finally learn to come while she was awake._\n\nPeople who have been having orgasms all their lives often imagine that women who don't have them live in a state of constant arousal with no way of getting any release. But our bodies are not stupid. If a woman doesn't have orgasms, then it may be that she has found other ways of getting release, or that she is not getting aroused and doesn't need any release. It may be that she can't handle having orgasms for reasons that are carefully buried in her unconscious.\n\n_I can't say that I was often aware of a very specific frustration in my body, not having orgasms. It was in comparison to other people's orgasms that I felt inadequate. I suppose I was shutting off. I did have a sense that there was a door I just couldn't open, and the door was not the actual orgasm, but just the door to that possibility on a physiological level._\n\n  \n\n\n_Sex used to be this peculiar thing that other people did. And I never missed it because there was nothing to miss. I couldn't imagine sex being satisfying\u2014it just wasn't a word I'd use of sex. There was nothing to satisfy._\n\nClara joined a self-help group for nonorgasmic women in the seventies. She masturbated regularly as part of her homework. The group made her  feel worse in some ways, because in spite of her efforts she still didn't reach orgasm, but she found that she was much more in touch with her body than some of the other women in the group:\n\n _Looking at her hand, one woman said, \"I just wish I could feel this body was mine.\"_\n\nAmbivalence about our bodies, and the sense that we don't have control over them, are very common feelings for women in this society, and are undoubtedly at the root of a great deal of dissatisfaction with sex. I suggest some ways of overcoming these problems in Chapter Eight. But it is important to remember that orgasms are not a static experience. For most people there is a continuum from not having them at all to having really huge ones\u2014and no one has really huge ones every time.\n\n_If I am mentally stressed, I cannot relax into lovemaking. If my lover is dominant and takes the time to wind me down, then I can have a huge orgasm\u2014all the stress is released and I just explode\u2014but this takes a lot of work!_\n\n#  **Cultural Conditioning**\n\nMuch deeper forces may be at work, preventing us from claiming our sexual power. Since the beginning of Western culture, women have been seen as the caretakers and men as the providers. Being a caretaker meant putting the needs of others before her own. Being a provider entitled a man to her care. Despite changing gender roles, these expectations and assumptions continue to this day. If a woman's husband indicates that he needs sex, a woman may feel that she is failing in her role as caretaker if she denies it to him.\n\nAlthough it certainly doesn't have to be this way, the act of penetration may require a woman to surrender to a vulnerability that she doesn't want to experience. Other forms of sexual play are not seen as requiring the same kind of surrender.\n\n_Penetration is the exquisite \"giving in\" to someone, letting them in. Oral sex is the ultimate luxury._\n\nOne difference between penetration and having an orgasm is that the former can be forced and the latter cannot. This may be why some women's bodies are reluctant to orgasm; it is the one place where they are able to say, \"This is _my_ body, and I'm not giving it up!\"\n\nA woman who doesn't really believe she has the right to refuse sex is going to consciously or unconsciously feel resentment toward her lovers, and she is not likely to want to surrender in the one area of her life where she knows she can't be forced, where she is still in control\u2014letting go into orgasm. If she has been brought up to believe that she _has_ to give in to the wishes of her mate, and that sex is primarily, if not wholly, for a man's pleasure, then why would she want to surrender in the one situation where she doesn't have to?\n\nI think one can see how a woman might, on an unconscious level, find _not_ having an orgasm preferable to having one, even if it means sacrificing her own pleasure. She might even experience it as personally empowering to thwart a man's enjoyment. And she might not see it as sacrificing her pleasure if she did not perceive sex being for her pleasure in the first place. Growing up in a society that devalues women, she might not even believe that it is possible for her to experience pleasure from sex. But human beings operate on many different levels of awareness, and on another level, the same woman may feel inadequate that she can't give herself to her partner in the way that she has been told she should. She might pretend to be aroused, and fake orgasm, in order to protect herself from being called frigid.\n\nDoes this sound far-fetched? I believe that the feelings that drive us may go unrecognized for a lifetime because they lie so deeply in our unconscious that they can easily be ignored.\n\n_There is nothing worse than sharing sex with someone because we feel we should, or for someone else's sake, or because it's better than not having any at all. I've been there in the past and do not want to do so again._\n\n#  **Learning to Come**\n\nAn orgasm does not usually arise abruptly out of nowhere. The process of facilitating the buildup of tension that most of us require before we can  let go into orgasm often has to be learned. It is a matter of focusing the energy. Engaging your brain in a repetitive activity can often help. Some women find \"counting down\" is particularly effective, but it doesn't have to involve numbers.\n\n_I sometimes repeat a mantra over and over in my mind when I'm about to come. It intensifies the feelings. If I say the mantra out loud it helps even more; it might be as simple as \"oh, yes, yes,\" or my lover's name._\n\n  \n\n\n_I used to know that I was approaching orgasm whenever I found myself counting._\n\nOne thing is definite: although women do masturbate without having orgasms, most women are far more likely to come while masturbating than with a partner. Other women simply cannot achieve orgasm without the special kind of stimulation supplied by a vibrator, and often only a very particular kind will do. Vibrators are not the answer for everyone, however. And using a vibrator may keep a woman from learning to love herself, because with a vibrator she doesn't have to touch herself; she can distance herself from her body, and thus prevent herself from being fully involved in sexual play. The real problem for many women is not so much that they don't have orgasms as that they don't like their bodies, and they are afraid of losing themselves in sexual desire. They want to maintain a distance from the act of being sexual. Vibrators can allow them to do this. So they may learn to have orgasms, but they haven't addressed the deeper issues.\n\nAnd just because you learn to come on your own does not mean that you will be able to come with a lover. In fact this is fairly common: usually either the lover is not doing what's needed and the woman is afraid to ask for it, or she is inhibited when she's not alone.\n\n_I can only come with oral stimulation. My partner is good at it and likes to do it, but I find myself somewhat inhibited when he does it. I am thinking too much and not relaxing and enjoying the stimulation._\n\n_**Letting go of what other people think is the single most important thing you can do to improve the quality of your life in general and your sex life in particular.**_\n\nWe need to define the problem correctly; it is not that she doesn't come with her lover, that's just the symptom. The problem is that she is not communicating with her lover or that she is afraid to let go in the presence of another person.\n\nOnce again we arrive at the importance of communication. In this case, showing is often easier than telling. Show your lover what you do when you masturbate. Have him or her copy your movements. Place your lover's hand over yours as you touch yourself. And then use words to guide his or her movements. Approach this with the attitude that you are sharing your body with your lover, rather than teaching them something specific.\n\n_I try to show my husband without explaining\u2014explaining seems to make him try too hard, which I don't enjoy._\n\nTaking the step to masturbate in front of your lover probably means that you have already let go of some of your self-consciousness. But the fear of exposing your vulnerability while in the throes of an orgasm is not so easily dismissed. It may take a great deal of practice and positive reinforcement before you feel safe enough to allow your body to express passion in front of another person. It's worth it; letting go of what other people think is the single most important thing you can do to improve the quality of your life in general and your sex life in particular.\n\nSometimes there is a specific fear of what will happen if you let go. Perhaps the most common is fear of urination.\n\n_As good as it feels, I feel like I'm going to urinate painfully, and I have to push my lover away to stop the stimulation._\n\nThe desire to urinate when you are sexually aroused, particularly when very aroused, or when you are about to ejaculate, is common. If the fear is as clearly delineated as this, why not try working with it? What would happen if you did urinate during sex? Are you afraid of making a mess?\n\nGive yourself permission to experiment: you could try stimulating yourself immediately after you have peed, while you are still sitting on the toilet, stopping to pee whenever you wish. Or you could put a plastic sheet down on the bed, so that you don't have to make a mess. Are you afraid of what your lover will think? You could be alone. If you are willing to examine your fears so that you can create a setting where you feel safe, and you can let yourself experiment without any expectations of the outcome, you may find that many of your fears are unfounded.\n\nOccasionally, you may find your body behaving in an \"inappropriate\" way\u2014jerking, shaking, trembling, even yawning. These are all ways that the body releases blocked energy, or prepares itself to let energy flow more freely. Allow your body to behave as it wishes; it knows what it needs. Trying to control it makes letting go into orgasm more difficult. Yawning is a particularly tricky one, since your partner may think you are bored. In fact, yawning is a way of adjusting the throat chakra.\n\nThe Women's Movement has brought us so many benefits, but above all it has given us the right to self-determination. During the seventies, consciousness-raising and self-help groups for women shot up like mushrooms, and out of these came a number specifically for women who didn't have orgasms. At first these women were referred to as nonorgasmic, then this was changed to preorgasmic, and nowadays it's anorgasmic. These support groups were marvelously empowering, but sadly, they have gone out of vogue. I recommend some excellent books in the Resources section. But books are not the answer for everyone. If it is human contact you need, then you might consider starting up your own local support group.\n\n_I feel quite alone in my journey to try and find why I cannot be sexually fulfilled. I would love to have help in the form of counseling, workshops, or chatting\u2014anything. I need guidance!_\n\n#  **Great Expectations**\n\nThe importance placed on orgasm can be very distressing for women who don't have them. The underlying assumption that a woman is somehow lacking or defective if she doesn't climax can have a very negative effect. Rita articulates this well: \n\n_I feel shame and guilt about not having orgasms. I've never discussed it with any of my friends, other than the women I've slept with. My friends inadvertently reinforce my shame and guilt. They make comments like, \"I heard so and so doesn't have orgasms,\" \"Oh, the poor woman!\" The whole women's liberation thing\u2014we own our own bodies, we can have as many orgasms as we want\u2014that's a slap in the face for me, because it's an assumption that we all do._\n\nFear of being judged is more problematic for Rita than anything she feels she is missing by not having orgasms.\n\n_I'm very open with my friends about everything else in my life. I talk about all kinds of things. But I never talk about what I'm really thinking or feeling when I'm having sex, and I never talk about orgasms. People don't realize there is a wall, and it's really thick._\n\nWhether it is about having an orgasm, having an erection, having intercourse, or anything else, delineating a specific goal often interferes with free sexual play, because it's all too easy to feel like a failure when the stated goal isn't reached. Even the goal of having a good time can be problematic. For instance, if one partner gets very emotional, she may feel she's being a wet blanket and ruining her lover's fun. In every encounter, we need to experience the sensations for what they are: if they are good, we will hopefully be able to repeat them; if they are bad, we will not repeat them; and if they are somewhere in between, we should be able to improve on them.\n\nThere tends to be an unquestioned assumption that erections, intercourse, and orgasms are all necessary in order to have sex, yet it is perfectly possible to have glorious sex without them:\n\n _I've found sexual play without orgasm satisfying in other ways. Orgasms are not the end-all and be-all of making love._\n\nOne woman told me that she used to place a great deal of importance on having an orgasm during each and every sexual encounter, until she  fell in love with someone whom she could only meet in public situations where it was impossible for him to go down on her. Since she doesn't have orgasms except through oral stimulation, she didn't come with him. And yet, she said it was deeply satisfying just to be sexual with him.\n\nWomen who come easily can sometimes will an orgasm to occur, but the key is knowing that they can do so. If you are afraid of not coming, it is very unlikely you'll be able to will it to happen. As Dr. Joan Spiegel told me:\n\n _An orgasm is like a sneeze\u2014it either happens or it doesn't._\n\nSo you can choose to tie yourself in knots trying to come, or let it be until such time as it happens of its own accord. And if your lover is the one getting stressed out, then address that as an issue of its own: why does your lover feel like she or he has to \"give\" you an orgasm?\n\n_**Believe me, deep breathing and relaxation can do wonders for your sex life.**_\n\nI know how it feels getting tied in knots: you tense everything up and hold your breath\u2014and then there is no release. There you are, as tight as a bow, and nowhere to go. If you find this happening in your lovemaking, I would recommend stopping everything for a few moments and taking a few deep breaths. Relax all those tensed-up muscles, breathe into your abdomen, and then let all your breath out. Give yourself permission to stop and _breathe_ whenever you find yourself getting overly tense. Believe me, deep breathing and relaxation can do wonders for your sex life.\n\nDespite her need to keep it from her friends, Rita says her lack of orgasm is no longer an issue with her lovers:\n\n _In my sexual relationships, recently I've been fine with it, because it's something that I've negotiated._\n\nIt's a good idea for any couple entering into a relationship to do some negotiation first, and it is especially appropriate for women who have difficulty coming. Make a deal with your partner: you don't try to make me come, and I won't feel bad because I haven't come. In other words, you  agree for your mutual benefit (to prevent either of you feeling like you've failed) that you will focus on other aspects of sexual play that give you enjoyment. Taking the focus off orgasm will considerably increase your chances of having a good time. And after all, isn't having a good time what a relationship is about, rather than having an orgasm? If you are not enjoying yourselves, then something needs to change. The simple fact of not having orgasms doesn't necessarily mean anything\u2014unless you feel you are inadequate because you aren't having them. Where does this inadequacy come from? Is it there because your partner feels inadequate? Or because society says you ought to have orgasms? Does it really come from you? Or, like Rita, would you feel fine about not having orgasms if it weren't for everyone else's expectations?\n\n#  **The Need to Please**\n\nWanting to please our partner is certainly one of the main reasons that we feel bad about not coming. Unfortunately, this is fairly realistic; an awful lot of us have our egos tied up in being good lovers, and we foolishly equate being a good lover with giving our partner an orgasm. This can be so damaging. Rita spoke about the negative effect it had in her first relationship, and other women recounted similar experiences:\n\n _Various lovers decided that they would be the one who would finally \"give\" me an orgasm. When they failed, the blow to their ego ended the relationship._\n\nBoth women and men suffer from this no-win syndrome. The effect of having a lover who really wants a woman to come shouldn't be underestimated. It may be that if her lover weren't so attached to the idea of her coming, the fear of not having an orgasm would lose its charge, and lo and behold, the orgasm would happen. It may also be that on a subconscious level, a woman may not want to feel vulnerable to someone who experiences her vulnerability as a boost to their ego, as an enhancement of their sense of power in the world.\n\nIt isn't always easy to persuade your lovers that you don't want them to try to give you an orgasm. I have had to be very firm about this, and even several weeks into a relationship, I have often had to reassure my lover that  not having a massive orgasm has nothing to do with whether I'm physically satisfied.\n\nThere is still a fairly prevalent myth that women \"should\" come during vaginal penetration, and many heterosexual women still believe there is something wrong with them if they don't come during intercourse. Yet most women need direct clitoral stimulation to bring them to orgasm, and only a small percentage of women are built so that the clitoris will be stimulated during intercourse. Either God made a mistake or it was intended to be this way. Dr. Joan Spiegel says:\n\n _The way to deal with this is education. I tell them that 75 percent of women don't come during intercourse. I show them where the clitoris is, and they quickly realize that it's not going to be stimulated during intercourse._\n\nSome of the women I spoke with said they had had difficult sexual encounters with women who didn't orgasm. Jana complained that all the attention of the lovemaking focused on the other woman, so that she ended up getting left out. Of course, she may not have asked for what she wanted. However, some partners are hard to negotiate with and may simply not value another person's needs.\n\n_Women who are uptight sexually shut me down. I can't deal with another woman's resistance. It destroys my confidence, and I can't overcome my fear of failure._\n\nIt is very unfortunate that we tend to label someone who doesn't have an easily identifiable orgasmic response as sexually uptight. The two are certainly not synonymous.\n\n#  **Faking Orgasm**\n\nIn view of this pressure on women to have orgasms, it should not be surprising that so many women fake it.\n\n_Many men are threatened, in their own sense of self, if they feel they cannot make you come._\n\n  \n\n\n_I do it because I don't want to continue lovemaking, but I don't want to hurt my spouse._\n\n  \n\n\n_I did it when I was young, self-conscious, knew I wouldn't come, and wished they'd stop trying so hard._\n\n  \n\n\n_Sometimes I fake it to see if I can fool the other person, or to give my lover confidence._\n\n  \n\n\n_Many, many years ago when I was very young, I thought it was important not to hurt a man's feelings or be open about my desires._\n\n  \n\n\n_Fake it till you make it: \"I can't think my way into right action but I can act my way into right thinking.\"_\n\n  \n\n\n_I used to fake it under most circumstances with unskilled but very sweet lovers, but under no circumstances any more in this lifetime!_\n\n  \n\n\n_I faked orgasm when I was tired of trying._\n\n  \n\n\n_I faked orgasm once to end a miserable one-night stand. If we'd been having an ongoing relationship obviously it wouldn't have been okay._\n\n  \n\n\n_I felt ashamed because I couldn't climax._\n\nThe last reason is perhaps the most common, though it is a little harder to admit to. Unlike her male counterpart, a woman can hide her lack of arousal (at least, from an insensitive or inattentive partner). Although this may mean she's less likely to be labeled inadequate, many women do feel deeply inadequate if they are not actually aroused when they think they ought to be. \"Frigid\" is a word that has frequently been used to denigrate women, when in fact the problem is that they are not getting the kind of stimulation they need. Fear of being called frigid is enough to make many women put on a show.\n\nWomen may also \"fake it\" as an effective ruse to end a bad situation and possibly even for their own self-preservation. People can become quite belligerent when their egos are tied up in making a woman come. Men and women need to stop seeing their partner's orgasms as proof positive of their own sexual prowess.\n\nYears ago, I would have faked orgasms with men, if I had known what an orgasm was. Because I didn't, I couldn't. However, I did find that if I acted as though I was more into it than I actually felt, they would stop sooner, which was often a relief.\n\nI never actively faked an orgasm with a woman; however, I admit there were times when I knew my lover assumed I had an orgasm. If she didn't mention it, neither did I. It was rarely a problem for me if I didn't come, and I didn't want it to be a problem for my lover. I think many women may simply fail to discuss sex with their partners, rather than consciously faking orgasm.\n\n_A lot of the men I slept with may have thought I had come. I never faked it, or \"lied,\" but I was probably economical with the truth._\n\nNowadays, I don't go to bed with people I can't talk with. I try to make it clear from the start that I am not someone who comes easily, and I don't want my partner to get trapped in trying. In the long run, when we pretend to be sexually aroused, we perpetuate dishonesty, which prevents true intimacy.\n\nThe real issue is not that women fake orgasm. Why do we ever feel the need to fake anything? We cover up all kinds of feelings, needs, and desires because we are afraid of other people's reactions. The bedroom might be a good place to begin the process of changing this pattern; we are unlikely to be freely ourselves out in the world until we have learned to be honest in our most intimate relationships, with the people we _say_ we trust.\n\n#  **Do Men Know When We're Faking It?**\n\nAccording to the NHSLS survey3 of sexual practices, only 29 percent of women come regularly with a partner, but men think that 44 percent of  their female partners come regularly. Does this mean that 15 percent of the time women are convincingly faking it? I admit I felt a bit doubtful about a couple of the questionnaires. A few men claimed that they had been with more than thirty women (in one case, fifty), all of whom had had orgasms, every time! Some men claimed that all their lovers came just from intercourse! In my opinion, either some of those women were faking it, or else their men assumed the women were having orgasms because they appeared to be enjoying themselves.\n\nIn spite of the delightful scene in _When Harry Met Sally,_ when Meg Ryan's character convincingly fakes an orgasm in a restaurant, most men are sure they would know when a woman is faking it. Let me debunk this myth once and for all: it is easy for a woman to consciously contract her vaginal muscles. If she has any acting skills at all, and any real desire to con her partner, that person, male or female, would very likely walk away from the encounter thinking she had an orgasm. If her partner does get suspicious, it may be because she wants him or her to notice that something is not right.\n\nIt is hardly surprising that most men really didn't like knowing or suspecting that a woman was faking it:\n\n _One woman I was with claimed to have these astronomical orgasms, but I was pretty inexperienced at the time, and when I think back to some of the things I did, I just shake my head. I doubt they really happened._\n\n  \n\n\n_One of my exes told me she had faked orgasm with me. I felt like it was too bad we couldn't have really tried together to bring her to that experience._\n\n  \n\n\n_I have suspected a woman of faking orgasm because of obvious theatrics or because her physical state suggested that she was not actually in an advanced state of passion. I cannot bear the thought of a woman giving herself to me without finding pleasure in the intimacy of lovemaking. I would much rather that she found pleasure than I. After loving a woman who I felt was faking it, I tend to feel inadequate I suppose. It leaves me empty inside._\n\n  \n\n\n_Once I suspected one of my lovers of faking orgasm, so I simply asked her and after trying to lie she finally admitted it was unusual for her to achieve orgasm, but she still enjoyed the intimacy._\n\n  \n\n\n_I felt as if I had been lied to. Loving is not a game, it is of the heart, of the soul, of the tenderness that wells up inside just from the nearness of your lover. To have her fake an orgasm is hurtful._\n\n  \n\n\n_After a long period of lovemaking, one girlfriend seemed to come really fast and then seemed to want it to be over, as if she thought I was still doing it waiting for her to come. I felt bad only because I wanted her to know I was being sexual with her because I enjoyed it._\n\nI remember lying there (years ago) with a man heaving to and fro on top me, thinking, how can I gracefully end this? The fact that he was enjoying it when I wasn't made me feel more alienated, as though he was using my body only for his pleasure. And it never entered my head that he might not be enjoying himself. Like many women, I thought I was the only person in the world who didn't enjoy sex. And I thought all men enjoyed it _all_ the time.\n\nBut we also fake it because we are ashamed of not being able to come, or of being thought frigid, because we are afraid of talking about what we need, and ashamed of having to ask. If they choose to do so, men can help women to feel easier about acknowledging what is really going on.\n\nNot all men seem to mind a woman faking orgasm:\n\n _My wife has faked it more than once. I found out by asking her. Frankly, it's flattering to me\u2014it tells me that she wants me to feel as if I had done a good job._\n\nI think he could have been flattered if she had talked to him about it, instead of faking it. He could have appreciated that she respected him enough to believe that he would be more concerned about their relationship than about his ego. And I would think that he would have respected her for being truthful with him. But then, my idea of intimacy does not  include being intimate with someone who thinks it's okay to lie to me, or for me to lie to them.\n\nThe bottom line is that faking anything is an attempt to live up to a model that isn't working for you, and if you acknowledge that it isn't working, you might be able to do something that does. As Eric says:\n\n _I hate it that she wasn't honest with me. If we could have talked about it maybe she would have had those orgasms for real._\n\n#  _**Notes**_\n\n1 The HysterSisters website (www.hystersisters.com) provides support and information for women about sexual intimacy after a hysterectomy.\n\n2 Alice Khan Ladas, Beverly Whipple, and John D. Perry, _The G Spot: And Other Discoveries about Human Sexuality_ (Holt, 2004). Originally published in 1982.\n\n3 The 1992 National Health and Social Life Survey was published in book form as _The Social Organization of Sexuality in the United States_ (Authors: Edward O. Laumann, John H. Gagnon, Robert T. Michael, and Stuart Michaels; University of Chicago Press, 1994).\n\n4 Janet Lever, PhD, \"Lesbian Sex Survey,\" _The Advocate_ , August 22, 1995.\n"}
+{"input": "Could not generate response.", "response": "\n\n**CHAPTER** **7**\n\n**EARLY SEXUAL EXPERIENCES**\n\n_I had my first orgasm when I was five years old in a strawberry patch, lying on my belly and only barely moving. I felt guilty._\n\n  \n\n\n_The first time I came it was like a flower opening up, with all these intense, brilliant colors._\n\n  \n\n\n_When I was twenty-two or twenty-three, I'd read about orgasms but not had them. I figured I'd try masturbation, which I hadn't done previously. The second or third try I suddenly was rather taken over with a \"Wow, I'm not stopping\u2014this feels wonderful,\" and, continuing clitoral stimulation, reached a gasping shuddering orgasm. \"So that's it!\" I thought._\n\n  \n\n\n_I had my first orgasm when I was about twelve, watching a horror movie!_\n\n  \n\n\n_My first ever orgasm with another person was from kissing only._\n\n  \n\n\n_When I was thirteen I thought about how I could imitate the sensations of sex, and I came up with water pressure. I spent a lot of time having orgasms under the bath faucet as a teen._\n\n  \n\n\n_I had my first orgasm masturbating, when I was twenty-five. I'd only just discovered that women masturbate._\n\nThe question I most enjoyed asking women was about their first orgasm. The answers nearly always brought smiles, fond memories of such an amazing discovery.\n\nA few women I heard from couldn't remember their very first orgasm, possibly because they had been having them from such a very young age. Or they may have been sexually active for some time and experiencing very mild orgasms. For these women, it was a gradual process of letting the sensation flow. This was the case of a thirty-three-year-old who wrote that she experimented with a vibrator and, after several weeks, \"realized she was having them.\" Some orgasms are not powerful enough to be clearly distinguishable from other peaks of sexual pleasure.\n\nOn the other hand, many women are amazed by their first experience of orgasm. It can be frightening the first time, especially if you're not expecting it.\n\n_My first orgasm happened when I was thirteen or fourteen, using the showerhead. I didn't know what had happened. I didn't know about orgasms, and I thought something was wrong._\n\n  \n\n\n_I wish my mother had told me about orgasms, because the first time I came I was quite alarmed; I didn't know what was happening to my body._\n\nTerry told me that at the age of four she was in the tub making bubbles by churning the water between her legs with her hands, when suddenly she had a wonderful sensation. Many of the questionnaire respondents wrote that their first experience of orgasm was either in the tub or using a flexible showerhead. Linda described sitting in the bathtub at the age of seven: \n\n_I used to love to take long hot baths, and one day it occurred to me to scoot down, spread my legs, and put myself under the falling water. I had the most fabulous orgasm, and from then on that's what I did every day! It was great, really great._\n\nLisa was already an adult before she tried it in the tub:\n\n _My first orgasm happened when I was twenty-one, in the bathtub with my legs up the wall, letting the water pour onto me. I'd had trouble having orgasms before that, and I was advised to use the bathtub trick by a friend. I feel very grateful to her. It was like finally getting what I was after. I loved it._\n\nPlenty of children grew up without convenient sources of running water beneath which they could position themselves, or else they didn't think about that potential, but there are many other ways of stimulating the right spot.\n\n_I was eight the first time I had an orgasm, watching a cowboy show on TV and using my pillow for a horse!_\n\nNow we know why so many kids squirm around so much and why grownups are always trying to make them sit still! Victoria and Marya were both seven years old and both climbing poles.\n\n_I was climbing a pole on a swing set, and suddenly I got this pleasurable and powerful sensation. It was a complete, very strong body orgasm. I wanted that feeling again, and I squirmed about on the pole, then felt very self-conscious. I told someone I liked climbing the pole, and they said, \"Yeah, we could tell.\" After that I investigated the place between my legs where I figured the sensation had come from, and found my feel-good spot, as I called it. I played with it regularly._\n\n  \n\n\n_It was very different from any other time I climbed a pole! It felt great. From then on I regularly climbed poles and ropes and doors to masturbate. Then when I was twelve, I saw some boys feeling up another girl in class, so I started touching myself and fantasizing about the boys touching me, and I discovered that was an easier way of coming._\n\nCome to think of it, I remember now what fun it was sliding down those thick wooden banisters in big old houses.\n\n  \n\n\nJana was nine years old, thinking about her favorite teacher at school:\n\n _I was just lying there in bed thinking about Miss Paterson, and all of a sudden I had this wonderful feeling. After that I had an occasional orgasm from touching myself._\n\nLinci was eleven when she discovered a new sensation:\n\n _I was always rubbing on things, and one day something happened! I masturbated regularly. I shared a bed with my two sisters, and it was a great thrill to be in bed with them and not wake them up while I masturbated._\n\nAt six years old, Judy was touching herself in bed when she experienced an intensely pleasurable sensation. She tried it again the next night and the same thing happened, so from then on she masturbated every night.\n\nElizabeth learned to masturbate when she was six while waiting for a teacher to take her to the toilet. Because she was desperate to have a pee, she was crossing her legs tightly and found that it felt really good. From then on she touched herself regularly, and two years later she had her first orgasm from stroking her clitoris.\n\nDonna was reading in bed at the age of eight or nine, with the sheets bunched up between her legs, rubbing on them without even realizing it, when she had what she called \"a nice, fun experience.\" For a while she was fascinated and played around with it a lot, though she says she never masturbated regularly. Another woman wrote that she had an affair with her pillow; she used to stuff it down the bed between her legs, lie on her side, and wiggle it. She was often worried that her parents would find it and want to know why it was there.\n\nTwo women said their first orgasms came through being licked by the  family dog. Another told me she was around nine when she first came by rubbing herself through satiny undies. And another wrote of coming while being touched by a boy she was playing with, when they were both six years old.\n\n#  **A Child's View of Sex**\n\nMany children don't know what sex is, or they have been told that sex involves two people, so it is quite possible for a child to touch herself without having any idea that she's being sexual.\n\n_From early childhood I masturbated regularly, though I had no idea what I was doing, no idea it had anything to do with \"sex.\" I would rub around and around on my clitoral shaft, just above my clitoris (not that I knew what that was either), and it didn't even feel very pleasurable until all of a sudden the feeling \"caught\"\u2014those were the words I thought of at the time. Those seconds of pleasure were, I realized as an adult, baby orgasms._\n\nThey're just experimenting with their bodies, finding out what it's like being alive. If they're not specifically warned not to touch themselves \"down there,\" they're unlikely to have any moral judgments attached to it; even if they are told that it's taboo, they may think of it in the same way as they think of defecating, or walking around naked: everybody does it, you just mustn't do it in public.\n\nMany girls don't realize that masturbation is about sex until they are a lot older, because the fumbling attempts of teenage boys to \"get in their pants\" feel very different from the nice feelings they have been giving themselves. Victoria, who later came to enjoy sex with men, says that in her early teens:\n\n _I never associated what the boys wanted from me with what I did to myself. I didn't like the feel of their hands on my body, and I hated the way they kissed me._\n\nAlthough many women had their first orgasms by fortunate accident, Jean's first orgasm, at the age of thirteen, was intentional. She had heard about  them, and she wanted one. She read about vibrators and tried the handle of an electric toothbrush on her clitoris, with delightful results. It is very refreshing to hear about women who were consciously sexual as children and felt good about it, like Joy, who grew up in a family where sex was perceived in a positive light. By the time she was eleven or twelve she was very interested in sex:\n\n _I assembled all the information that I could about it: a scientific manual on human sexuality that gave mechanics and various actions in a dry, clinical tone that I'd found in a box of books in my grandmother's attic; a handwritten piece of porn that one of my young friends had found in her uncle's military trunk and brought to school to giggle over (very male, heterosexual slant with unrealistic acts and strange terms); a \"soft porn\" book about \"nymphomaniacs\" that I'd managed to buy at a local convenience store; and a couple of True Confession-type magazines. But none of this really seemed to apply to me or my budding erotic fantasies, although it gave me an idea what kinds of things people did together, as well as what some people (mostly heterosexual guys) thought was exciting. Anyway, I've identified myself as a writer since the age of seven, so I did what came naturally and wrote my own \"smut\" to satisfy my specific adolescent needs. As I recall, it was a shoot-'em-up space opera and spy thriller in which an adventurous heroine is captured by space pirates, tied up, tortured by a whip-wielding, evil, and beautiful alien woman, and eventually rescued by the sexy young hero with whom she falls in love and, of course, into bed. So it was this very personal piece I was rereading and fantasizing over, when suddenly my whole body spasmed very pleasurably, a sensation that I only later realized was an orgasm. And I wasn't even touching myself! Pure mental stimulation. The brain really is the main sex organ!_\n\n#  **Growing Up Without Information**\n\nMost women who are now over forty had no access to factual information on sex when they were young, and many responded to the dictates of society by \"appropriately\" burying, or at least controlling, their sexual desire. Jana recounts this conversation with her mother:\n\n _She asked me about being a lesbian, so I was trying to explain my attraction to women. I said, \"You know when you feel turned on?\" She said, \"No.\" I said, \"You know when you feel like you want sex?\" She said, \"Don't be silly; women don't have sex drives, only men have sex drives!\" I said, \"But I have a sex drive.\" She said, \"Well, that's because you're queer.\"_\n\nHistorically, women were not expected to enjoy sex, and it was incidental if they did. Ignorance of sexual matters was normal; too bad that it caused (and still causes) a great deal of unhappiness.\n\nSari, who grew up in the 1940s and '50s, never questioned that she would remain a virgin until she got married, although she was very interested in sex.\n\n_When I grew up, the rules were there; you didn't have to make the decision not to have sex until you were married, because it had been made for you by society. I didn't know I had a clitoris until I was in college! Of course, there were girls who were sexually active, and my parents made sure that I didn't associate with girls like that. They wouldn't have talked about sex, but they talked about them being from the wrong side of the tracks._\n\nIt is important to remember that contraception was not readily available to single women until the 1970s. Most women were understandably reluctant to have a lot of sex, because lots of sex meant lots of babies, as well as social disapproval. Sari had a hysterectomy in her thirties. Whether because the fear of pregnancy was removed or as a result of the natural process of getting older, Sari became sexually adventurous:\n\n _My assertiveness and my desire, within a marriage mind you, were an absolute turn-off for my husband. I finally had grabbed hold of my sexuality, and he didn't want it. In those days there were such strong stereotypes about who was to be the aggressor, the assertive one. I was really changing, and what I was becoming was not who he had married._\n\n#  **Embracing Our Passion**\n\nPassionate, powerful women still aren't popular. Donna and Victoria both said that they find people are wary of them because of their ease with their sexuality and the intensity of their sexual desire. The label \"nymphomaniac\" is generally used to describe a woman who scares men so much that they can't maintain an erection in her presence. Dr. Joan Spiegel has this definition:\n\n _A nymphomaniac is a woman who wants one more orgasm or a little more stimulation than her partner wants to give her._\n\nIt is far more acceptable these days for a woman to be freely passionate and to have many partners. The sexual revolution of the 1970s was not the glorious opening up to sexual desire that it was purported to be for all women, but it was a beginning\u2014at least people started talking about sex. Masters and Johnson published their research1 and then there was The Hite Report2\u2014the first real statement from women about women's sexuality.\n\nUnfortunately we are now dealing with backlash from the political and religious right. The importance of \"family values,\" meaning that women must get married, stay home, and have kids, saturates the media. As Deborah Sundahl says:\n\n _Any time women get close to claiming the force of nature within them, society and the church come down on them._\n\n#  **Negative Messages**\n\nWithout repressive influences, I believe most of us would naturally be aware of and proud of our sexual desires from a very young age. Sexual excitation during birth, both for the mother and the baby, is not at all unusual. When  we are born we are full of our mother's hormones. Baby boys are born with erections, and very young baby girls can have orgasms.\n\n_I remember masturbating and having orgasms when I was still in the crib._\n\nChildren exhibit very different rates of sexual awareness. In some instances (unfortunately rare) they are encouraged to investigate their own sexuality at their own rate without being influenced one way or another. The majority of girls are still discouraged from actively exploring their own sexuality, and they may find it impossible to locate well-intentioned sources of information.\n\n_I looked and looked for pornography when I was in my early teens because I was already sexually active, and I knew there must be more to sex than what was happening to me. When I was fifteen a girl came to stay the night, and asked me as we whispered in bed, \"Have you ever masturbated?\" I didn't know what she meant, said \"No,\" and she placed her fingers on my clitoris and showed me how to move my fingers. But then she told everyone at school that I had \"initiated\" sex with her, and she wouldn't talk to me. I was so confused._\n\nWomen who feel comfortable touching their own genitals are a lot more likely to have orgasms early in life than women who aren't comfortable touching themselves. Many women have their first orgasm through stimulation of the clitoris with their own fingers. I know that if I had had years to practice the gradual buildup of sensation that resulted from touching myself, my first orgasm would have been a much smoother and easier experience\u2014and it would have happened much earlier. At a young age, I was smacked for touching myself between my legs, teaching me that no matter who else might touch me there, I was not to touch myself.\n\nNegative associations around masturbation are even easier to pick up than negative associations around sex in general. After all, sex is necessary in order to have children, but masturbation is never necessary. A number of the questionnaire respondents reported that they were very concerned about being caught touching themselves, and absolutely no one said that they ever thought it was anything but taboo.\n\nBeing caught masturbating was the lead-in Laura's father used when he molested her. As a result Laura has a strong emotional reaction against masturbation, and she did not do it for many years:\n\n _It used to be that I couldn't even stand the word_ masturbation. _I've just recently got to where I can say the word and hear others talk about it and not get totally bummed._\n\nPeople from strict religious backgrounds often suffer the most:\n\n _When I was eleven or twelve I was at a Catholic school, and one of the nuns caught me masturbating. She took me to the Mother Superior who told me I would be reported to the authorities if I did it again. I assumed she meant the police. I carried on masturbating, but I was really careful not to get caught._\n\nEven if the disapproval is not overt, we cannot fail to pick up the strong social taboos against masturbation. For some women, this may be enough to prevent them from touching themselves\u2014ever. Other women continue to touch themselves but feel very bad about it.\n\n_I believed it was sinful to touch my genitals, but I did it anyway and then prayed to God to forgive me\u2014again and again._\n\nI would love to see our communities provide children with somewhere to go with questions and concerns, because even if they are not being molested, they are bombarded with strange, inexplicable, and often conflicting messages.\n\n_When I was growing up, I couldn't relate to being a woman at all, because the images of women I saw on TV didn't seem to have anything to do with me._\n\n  \n\n\n_I got_ The Story of O _from my dad's bookshelf when I was eleven and read it from cover to cover. It set the standard for the fantasy life of my teenage years. I got fixated on it. I wish I'd had someone to talk to about it._\n\nIt is not only girls who suffer as a result of the misinformation and lack of information with regard to sex and gender. One man wrote that he had been molested by an older woman before he reached school age. Once he started school:\n\n _I learned that this type of activity could cause pregnancy, and I was dead scared that I was going to be the one who would get pregnant. That fear lived with me for many years, because I didn't understand the full thing._\n\nIn an ideal world, all children would have easy access to people of integrity who are willing to talk absolutely openly and without bias about sexuality. Such mentors would be people with a nonjudgmental understanding of human nature. They would be people with innate wisdom and compassion, secure in their own sexuality. Above all, they would be people who could be trusted not to act inappropriately.\n\nIn a healthy society no one would ever have to deny their sexual feelings, and guidance would be readily available for people of any age.3\n\n#  **Why Some of Us Love Our Sexual Selves and Some of Us Don't**\n\nUnlike a boy, a girl has no unavoidable visuals to grab her attention, and there is no necessity for her to touch her sex organs at all. She may easily choose to ignore what's going on between her legs. So if she gets a thorough training in ignoring her feelings, she can apply that training to any feelings that originate there. Yet some of us are able to ignore negative messages about sexuality. This may be sometimes due to a stronger hormonal influence, since hormones obviously vary enormously from one person to another. However, I don't believe there is such a thing as absolute biological destiny. Biology is affected by experience. It's possible (though not necessarily easy) to learn to control the chemicals (hormones and others) that affect our bodies and our emotions, through meditation, breathing exercises, and relaxation, for instance. At the very least, it is a two-way process: psychological and emotional states affect our physiological chemistry, and the chemicals our bodies produce affect us psychologically and emotionally. The process of being human  is exactly that\u2014a process, not something static that can be delineated by science.\n\nTiming could be another factor. A girl who has the kind of body that reaches orgasm easily\u2014perhaps as a result of having a sensitive clitoris\u2014may be more likely to experience sexual pleasure early on in life, before she has felt the full brunt of social disapproval. If she has already associated sex with feeling good, she may be able to ignore any external negative messages, and carry on being sexual throughout her life.\n\nAnd some children just feel good about themselves, or at least their sexuality, in spite of the negative messages, and are willing to keep experimenting with their bodies until the point of orgasm. A vivid imagination is certainly a bonus.\n\nNot having orgasms often stems from the need to exert emotional or mental control over the physical body, and that need can be learned at a very young age, depending on a child's upbringing and social environment. A combination of repressive religious and cultural attitudes with negative personal experiences of abuse may be enough to give any child a strong bias against letting herself go into orgasm. Clara asks:\n\n _Did someone walk in on me masturbating as a child, and punish me? Was it enough that all the images I was ever fed of \"sexy\" women were nymphomaniacs and whores? Even now that I do have orgasms, I still struggle with the fact that I could have more fun if I could let go more. Whatever holds me back is not conscious._\n\nLet's be thankful for the natural human drive to experience passion, which enables some women, in spite of everything, to overcome such negative conditioning.\n\n#  **When Sex Is Sex and When It's Not**\n\nPart of our healing around sex must include redefining what we mean by it. In Western society, sex generally denotes a very specific and limited act that involves a man and a woman having penile-vaginal intercourse. Obviously, I believe sex is much more than that. For me, the word sex itself describes a vast array of sensations and feelings, and may not involve  touching someone at all. People have sex over the phone and on the Internet, and for some, this can be perfectly satisfying.\n\n_I've often had orgasms without anyone touching me\u2014online, on the phone._\n\nBut just as it is possible to have great sex without actual physical contact, it is also possible to experience genital stimulation without feeling sexual. The experience of being aroused occurs on many different levels. A total turn-on involves the physical, the mental, the emotional, and the spiritual. Plenty of women go through the act of sex without even a physical turn-on. Or they might be aroused but not show the \"normal\" signs of being physically turned on. Women who suffer from vaginismus, for instance, can get sexually excited and even have full-blown orgasms, but their vaginas never relax and open up. They remain tightly spasmed. Conversely, a woman might show physiological signs of a sexual response and still not be turned on because she is not truly present in her body. She has learned to absent herself from the physical experience, and she is not being touched on an emotional, mental, or spiritual level either. Many women have learned to divorce themselves from physical arousal in this way, even when their genitals are responsive to touch. Their bodies may or may not be responding, but their inner core is experiencing nothing that can be called sexual.\n\nWhy would a person go through the motions of having sex when she is not experiencing sexual pleasure? There are many different reasons. Perhaps she has been told it is her wifely duty. Maybe she is a child and believes she doesn't have the right to refuse an adult. Maybe she is being raped, and she physically cannot resist or is afraid of what will happen if she tries. Maybe she wants or expects something in return from the person she is doing it with. Maybe she wants physical affection and feels she cannot get it any other way. Maybe she is looking for love and thinks this might be a way of finding it. She could be drunk or drugged. Maybe she finds the _idea_ of having sex exciting even though she doesn't enjoy the physical act; it could be a game to seduce people, one that gives her a sense of personal power. Maybe she wants to get pregnant. Maybe she has no idea what sex actually is and doesn't realize there is something missing, but she wants the kudos of having a partner, or partners, and she  knows that offering her body is one way to hook them in. She wants to be wanted. Being good at playing the game of sex is one way to be wanted.\n\n_When I was younger, I was gathering a list of how many boys I could screw. It wasn't anything to do with sex\u2014it was a kind of ownership thing._\n\n  \n\n\n_In my first year at college I went round seducing every man I could. I didn't get turned-on at all with them. That wasn't the point._\n\n#  **Sexual Abuse of Children**\n\nWe have a great deal of work to do to heal ourselves and our society from the results of our negative attitudes, not just about sex but about life in general. We must examine the ways we bring up our children. Many people don't understand how childhood sexual abuse is perpetuated. I want to give some examples from my own childhood to illustrate how girls are trained not to say no.\n\nIn spite of the fact that there were few overt sexual references made in the house where I was brought up, there were plenty of covert sexual innuendoes going on. Although a number of men related to me sexually in subtle or less subtle ways, people were very invested in pretending that nothing serious was going on. I participated in the denial because I knew I would be punished if I didn't, and anyway I had absolutely no words for it, so I could not talk about it. Yet I knew very well what sexual energy was, and I felt it from several men, both visitors and family members. My parents could have intervened and said, _\"No, she can't sit on your lap right now. No, you may not pull her toward you like that. No, she doesn't have to kiss you good night. No, you can't read her a bedtime story. No, it's not appropriate for you to take her up and tuck her into bed.\"_\n\nArguing would have been a constant struggle, and a number of people would have been offended.\n\nMy grandfather, who lived with us, always wanted me and my sister to sit on his knee and give him kisses (needless to say, this was never required of my brother). When I reached puberty, my father told him we were too old to be treated that way, so he stopped it. I was relieved, since I hated my  grandfather's prickly mustache, but at the same time, I couldn't work out what was supposed to have changed. Why was it okay for my grandfather to have access to our bodies before we reached puberty and not afterward?\n\nYou could say, as everyone else at the time would have if they had thought about it (which they carefully didn't), that since these men \"didn't go very far,\" meaning it wasn't physically invasive, it wasn't \"sexual.\" Whether they were being sexual or not really misses the point. It wasn't okay that they were allowed to make demands on my body at all. And the fact that I experienced them as demands that I couldn't refuse is what matters, not that, in someone else's opinion, they didn't go very far. Along with my other childhood experiences, they went quite far enough for me to learn that when a man wanted access to my body, I had no choice but to give in to him, on a daily basis.\n\nThe fact that for years I experienced my grandfather's way of relating to me as invasive was completely overlooked\u2014it was of no consequence at all. It is still very much a normal facet of childrearing in our society that children are not offered choices in what happens to them. They are told what to wear, when and what to eat, and when to go to bed. Children beneath a certain age need this kind of direction; up to a point it is entirely appropriate and necessary. However, they are also frequently told when to speak and when to be silent, what to read and what not to read, what opinions to express and which ones to keep quiet about. These kinds of limits can be dangerous when they impinge on a child's right to say no. My grandfather's constant demands for kisses were a daily reminder that he had the right of access to my body. When I complained to my parents, they told me I was a bad girl. So I learned that I didn't have the right to control what happened to my own body. This legacy manifested in my teenage years when I didn't have the conviction to fend off the teenage boys who marauded my body. We cannot expect children brought up without the right to limit what is done to their bodies to suddenly develop a sense of that right when they reach puberty.\n\n#  **Recovery**\n\nStatistics indicate that at least one out of every three girls will be molested by the time they are eighteen4. Not all of them are affected negatively by the experience. Those who are traumatized vary enormously in how  easily they are able to recover. Some girls remain sexually active, some in unhealthy and compulsive ways, and others in quite healthy and choiceful ways. Some shy away from sex altogether. Molestation often goes hand in hand with other forms of abuse, and these may affect us on many levels, so although we might be able to reclaim our sexuality, we may not be able to keep it together in other areas of our lives. The good news is that the process of healing brings with it a renewed level of awareness, a sense of personal power, and the ability to be fully present.\n\n_I was molested consistently between the ages of five and seven, and there were many other incidents of sexual abuse from different sources as I was growing up. I began to experience depression in my early teens soon after becoming sexually active by choice. The act of intercourse was painful, but my perspective of the sexual activity was that it was a weapon: I was a conqueror. My self-esteem quickly began to plummet from the internal conflict of that perspective, and by my early twenties I was severely depressed and suicidal. After a particularly violent episode, and with the encouragement of several people around me, I sought psychiatric treatment. I underwent classic Freudian psychotherapy three times weekly for three years. Though I have always been aware of my abuse incidences, it was not until regression under hypnosis that I actually discovered that the cause of my pain with intercourse was from the initial perpetration. Soon after this discovery, the pain with intercourse dissipated. My life truly began to turn around, however, after the psychiatrist cleverly arranged for several of my appointments to be at the local state mental hospital. The reality of true craziness, toward which I was running headlong, shocked me into cleaning up my act. My suicidal tendencies, overall depression, and my willingness to live as a victim rapidly began to fall away from me. I took back my power as an individual and my self-esteem started to heal and grow._\n\n  \n\n\n_I know I would not be alive today, not as healed and whole, if it were not for my psychotherapy._\n\n  \n\n\n_I was molested by a couple of teenage boys when I was eight. That was terribly embarrassing. When I was nine I was molested by an old alcoholic at the stable where I rode. I remember I was more worried about keeping him away from my younger sister than I was about myself._\n\n  \n\n\n_I was sexually abused by at least twelve people from a very young age until I was sixteen. How have I healed from it? Therapy, connecting with other incest survivors, having sex when I want to, having the kind of sex I want, never having sex when I don't want to, nurturing myself, pagan ritual, connecting with nature, struggling and growing and combating the incest dynamics in my family with my mother, talking about it at both appropriate and \"inappropriate\" times (being very out about it), writing about it, developing and connecting with spirit guides, and above all learning to love myself exactly as I am. I spent about seven years being very afraid of sex, but now being sexually active is important to me. Since my body was sexually controlled as a child, I feel a pretty strong need to feel in control of my sexuality now. This includes nonexclusivity (being sexual with whomever I want regardless of who I am already being sexual with), a sensitivity on my lover's part to my incest issues (need for safety, etc.), and an on-and-off need to have really good sex._\n\n**\u2014KASEJA LAURINE WILDER**\n\nDoris, who is now forty-seven, was repeatedly abused by her brother from the age of six onward, and then raped by him as a teenager.\n\n_The molestation really hurt; it was very painful. As a result I cut myself off from all my feelings until about two years ago. I never went out with anyone. I never had a date, and I didn't know what a date was. I never explored my own body or touched myself. My life was just depression and numbness. I thought that sex, making love, and rape were all the same\u2014they were all rape._\n\nBarbara was molested as a preteen, and grew up in a family where sex and bodies were taboo subjects: \n\n_My mother was disgusted by anything to do with bodies and sexuality; her revulsion was as pervasive as the air that I breathed. Somehow I started masturbating and having orgasms when I was about sixteen. This might be on the list of miracles! But there's still this really strong mechanism in place in me to deny sexual feelings. Even now I often catch myself suppressing and denying my turn-ons. I often have the experience of making love to my partner and not being aware of being aroused. I'm always surprised to discover that I'm wet!_\n\nPart of the healing process for those of us who have been abused is getting in touch with our rage at being treated as though our own needs and feelings were of no importance. This may be very difficult since women are generally discouraged from showing anger. It may manifest in covert ways, emerging as an ongoing dissatisfaction with our partners, perhaps, coupled with a refusal to take the lead in changing the dynamic. Or it may simply be difficulty in taking responsibility for our own lives\u2014a hard thing to do when we spent our childhoods being told we should not and could not do so. If we were out of touch with our needs and feelings as children, how can we suddenly get in touch with them as adults? Of course we keep on trying to repress them! Old habits, when developed very young, die very hard.\n\nIt's possible to go through our lives thoroughly repressed, with only the vaguest sense of discomfort, which we quickly put aside whenever it gets close to the surface. There are so many ways to distract ourselves from that sense of discomfort: television, work, books, videos, drugs, alcohol, sports\u2014the list is endless. If you are willing to put up with a mediocre life, it can be easy and comfortable to stay in denial. Healing requires telling the truth, and that can get you into big trouble since so many people are invested in maintaining the status quo\u2014which usually means lying.\n\nWhen I talk about having good sex, I am talking about the kind of sex that requires healing. It requires that you have a sense of absolute autonomy over your body, and if you are going to develop that, you have to be in touch with what your body wants. That means you have to get in touch with the truth of who you are and what your feelings are. Instead of ignoring that sense of discomfort (the one that you occasionally catch out of the corner of your eye before you hurriedly turn away), you must face  it head-on. You must also be willing to face the massive array of \"unacceptable\" feelings that may come up as a result. This is what I call having integrity, which is about being integrated, being a whole human being. It means you have taken the courageous step of being totally honest with yourself. Being honest with other people can only happen when you are honest with yourself. It may mean massive changes in your life. You will have to stop blaming altogether, though you may go through fits of rage as you acknowledge that you have been treated very badly. Your life may be turned upside down. On the other hand, it is possible to heal, and there are resources to help survivors in the process of healing (some are listed in the Resources section). It may be hard, and it will be worth it.\n\nI hear the reader saying, surely I can have good sex without doing this!? Well, yes, you can, within limits. But you cannot reach the full potential of your sexuality if you are not fully present, just as you cannot reach your full potential as a human being if you are not fully present. And being fully present\u2014undistracted\u2014requires a willingness to be completely honest.\n\n#  _**Notes**_\n\n1 William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, _Human Sexual Response_ (Ishi Press, 2010). Originally published in 1966.\n\n2 Shere Hite, _The Hite Report: A National Study of Female Sexuality_ (Seven Stories Press, 2004). Originally published in 1976.\n\n3 Scarleteen.com is such a resource for teenagers, but there is not currently an equivalent resource for preteens or younger children.\n\n4 The Massachusetts Caucus of Women Legislators, 1997. For more statistics about violence against girls and women, Feminist.com has a comprehensive list (www.feminist.com/antiviolence/facts.html).\n"}
+{"input": "Could not generate response.", "response": "**CHAPTER** **8**\n\n**RELATIONSHIPS**\n\nRelationships occur on many levels. Some are not physical at all, but we may be sure that any sexual relationship is occurring _at least_ on a physical level; the way you relate to your own body and to your partner's body is going to affect the quality of the sex you have. So this chapter starts with bodies.\n\n_Don't use being unhappy with your body as an excuse not to take care of your body, and not to cherish it. One of the nicest things you can do for your body is have sex, whether with yourself or with someone else._\n\n**\u2014NIGHTOWL**\n\n  \n\n\nPeople tend to believe that you have to be beautiful in order to get sex, but the truth is that sex (from self-stimulation, or with a partner) can make you beautiful. The _afterglow_ that surrounds a woman who has been having powerful sex is very real and very attractive. When the energy of orgasm  sweeps through us, it leaves a charismatic residue around the person who has allowed it.\n\n_Orgasm is a chance to let my body really take over and do what it naturally needs to do, to open up._\n\nWe are usually extremely judgmental about our own bodies. Western culture has imbued us with a deep fear of looking \"wrong\" from a very young age: too fat, too thin, breasts too small or too big, hair too straight or too curly, lips too thin or too fat, nose too big or too small, body hair, body odors\u2014the list is endless. The most pervasive and damaging of all these is undoubtedly the fear of being fat; America has become a fat-phobic society. Yet our perceptions of how we look are completely subjective; in other cultures fat people are revered and admired.\n\nFor many women, learning to accept that they look just fine the way they are is a lifelong process. We struggle to believe that if someone doesn't like the way we look, it really doesn't matter, because there will always be _someone_ who does think we're beautiful. This is a huge subject beyond the scope of this book. But being uncomfortably self-conscious about our bodies is probably the single greatest factor in preventing us from being able to enjoy sex. It helps enormously to get positive reinforcement from external sources. Don't hang around with anyone who makes negative remarks about your body. Surround yourself with people who offer you a positive self-image.\n\n#  **Bodies**\n\n_I don't like my body a whole lot, and I certainly feel like my body image has affected my sexuality._\n\n  \n\n\n_As soon as my awareness was brought back to my body, how it looked, how it smelled, the products of it, the essence of my physical body, I felt excruciating shame, utter wrongness. I learned to live as if my body didn't exist._\n\nThe above quotes illustrate that some of us are a far cry from being fully present in our bodies. The first step in becoming more present is a conscious decision that you are willing to learn to trust your body and let it be in charge. This may take some practice. Take it one step at a time. Just watch how your body responds to different stimuli, letting it do what it wants to do without any censoring. This will be easier when you are on your own, when you don't have to concern yourself with someone else, or worry about what someone else is thinking of you. As we saw in Chapter Two, many women orgasm more reliably when masturbating alone than when making love with a partner. Your body knows what to do. When you feel its passion stirring, don't try to restrain it. Let it flail and shudder and shake and flutter and spasm and clench and jerk as much as it wants. Leave your mind behind. When you first start letting your body go after a lifetime of restraint, it may do some strange things. That's fine.\n\nDecide that you are going to accept yourself just the way you are, knowing that your body can give you incredible pleasure. It may take time to get to a place where you can fully embrace this truth. Start now, by committing to make that change in your thinking. You don't need to think about how long it will take. The simple fact that you have committed to it will allow the process to begin.\n\n_When I'm feeling self-hate, I project that onto my physical self and I feel ugly, but when I've been having a lot of sex I can get into feeling I have a very handsome, sexy fat body!_\n\n  \n\n\n_Because I wasn't a traditionally pretty girl, in fact was very much a physical misfit with my height and size and intellect, I got a lot of signals from society during adolescence that nobody would ever want me sexually and that I was going to miss out on something important and wonderful. I still have a lot of insecurity around this. I'm always worried that nobody's going to find me sexually attractive. Once I'm past that point, I have very few sexual hang-ups or reservations, and I've always been happily orgasmic with most of my partners._\n\n  \n\n\n_What's happening physically is only about 5 percent of what brings me to orgasm. The rest is what I'm thinking or feeling or fantasizing._\n\nStress is a killer when it comes to good sex; your body won't feel sexual when you are not able to relax. Find a way of distancing yourself from everyday stresses, and practice conscious relaxation. If you begin having sex by deciding that you _must_ have an orgasm, then you are setting up another source of stress. Don't start out with any goal other than getting to know yourself. Your body needs to be allowed to do what it wants to do with minimal interference from your mind. Let go of all \"oughts\" and \"shoulds\"; quiet the nagging judgmental voices that will effectively prevent your being able to let go.\n\nWhen you first start doing this, you may encounter a lot of resistance and a lot of old blocks that feel very uncomfortable. So you may not even be having a good time. If you want to learn to have good sex, with all its attendant benefits, you have to be willing to go through this period of difficulty. It will pass more quickly if you allow yourself to feel it fully.\n\nLet your mind range freely in whatever fantasy world comes up for you. As Nancy Friday's book, _The Secret Garden_ 1, illustrates, the range of women's fantasies is vast. Don't censor them; they may be a glorious source for your sexual turn-on, and even if they are not essential, they may very well enhance it. The wonderful thing about fantasies is that you never have to do anything about them. You don't have to act them out, or even, for that matter, admit to them. Fantasies don't have to be socially acceptable, politically correct, physically feasible, morally admirable, or legal.\n\nLet me make it clear that when I recommend ignoring interference from your mind, it is the _judgmental_ mind I'm referring to. For some women, the mind is the most versatile sex organ.\n\n_I've just taken on an ownership role in the company where I work, and I've realized how much the stress of having to generate a large income affects my ability to orgasm, or to be sexual at all!_\n\n#  **Take Your Time**\n\nIf you are going to make significant changes in the quality of your sex life, you need to devote some quality time to having sex. The British condom maker, Durex, published a survey reporting that the average time spent on any single sexual interchange in the United States is the highest in the world. It is all of 25.3 minutes. If you live in Britain it is only 20.9 minutes, and in Hong Kong it is only 12.3 minutes. Well, folks, I'm sorry, but that has to change. If you want to improve your sex life I suggest you spend 25.3 minutes talking about it and two hours doing it\u2014slowly. When you have gotten to know each other's and your own bodies, then you may be able to have satisfying sex in 25.3 minutes, although I guarantee that once you're having good sex, you will want to spend a great deal longer on it. Until then, you need to devote some serious time to having fun. If you are not willing to set aside this kind of time and energy for sex, then I suggest you explore your resistance before you do anything else, because learning to give yourself to it totally is a prerequisite for good sex. If you're resentful of the time it's taking, you'll never be able to let go into it.\n\nTaking time for sex is a moral and/or religious issue for some women:\n\n _I'm sure my upbringing and early experiences had a profound effect on my sexual expression. I was brought up to believe that sex was for procreation only and not for pleasure._\n\n#  **Partners**\n\nIf you feel that being sexual is a perfectly fine way to pass the time, but you just can't imagine having sex so good that you would want to do it for hours, then perhaps you need to look at your partner. Are you really attracted to this person? Attraction occurs on many levels; maybe you think your lover is very good-looking, and yet he or she just doesn't turn you on. We don't know what true attraction is until we have experienced it. Good looks and good sex are rarely the same thing. Someone you may not initially find physically attractive could have a touch that does it all for you. Don't limit your options. We have been socialized as to what we \"should\" find attractive. In some circles this is limited to a macho \"hunk,\" while in others it is a \"respectable\" professional. The people who are acceptable or deemed desirable in your social circle may not be right  for you. This can be painfully true if you are gay. It may take half a lifetime for a woman to recognize that she is attracted to other women, such is the power of the social norm.\n\nSome women, of all orientations, consistently make bad choices for lovers. If you find yourself repeatedly attracted to people who just aren't good for you, who put you down or abuse you, developing a feminist perspective on women's social roles might support the changes you need to make. We may live out our lives unconsciously following the models that were offered to us when we were growing up, and some of those models are not desirable. Are you choosing men who are like your father? Is that a good idea? Are you acting out old family patterns? A good counselor will be able to help you look at these issues.\n\n_Desire and sexual intimacy with someone have often colored my view of that person, to my detriment._\n\nAlthough trust is not an essential factor in having good sex, many women need to be in a trusting relationship in order to have really satisfying sex. Others tend to construct barriers against intimacy with people they know well, in which case they may find having sex with strangers a genuine turn-on. Take a realistic look at what is right for you. Being able to identify what is really going on requires letting go of external judgments about right and wrong.\n\n_There is something very hot for me about having sex with someone I haven't even been introduced to._\n\nIs your lover really attracted to you? Does he or she really _like_ you? It's doubtful that you'll have good sex with someone who puts you down because they don't actually like who you are. You need to know that your partner _wants_ to be there with you. It's no good trying to have sex with someone who isn't also working toward making it good, or someone who doesn't want to own up to his or her own issues. If you are in a partnership, you must be able to support one another even when things don't go smoothly. And you must appreciate each other in order to do that.\n\n#  **Withholding Feelings**\n\nEven if you are in a great relationship, you may have some unresolved issues with your lover that prevent you from being able to let go. You may love this person dearly and still have some anger or resentment that you're holding onto, perhaps because you don't want to hurt your partner, or because you are discouraged about the prospect of change, or because you are afraid of your partner's reaction. Perhaps it's just old stuff that you can't even name. You may decide in your mind that your feelings are unjustified or irrelevant, but that has absolutely nothing to do with how your body responds. Mental or intellectual reasoning rarely affect the body's responses.\n\n_If my partner and I don't make love for a while, it's usually a sign that stuff is unsaid between us._\n\n  \n\n\n_When I have had difficulties with having orgasms, it's usually about stresses in my relationship rather than the physical actions._\n\nIf your body is holding itself in a state of tension because of an unexpressed feeling, then it cannot let go into orgasm. You must address the issue. _There are no unjustified feelings;_ there are many reasons to be angry or untrusting, and there are just as many ways of expressing anger without blame. Let yourself feel what you feel without judging it. The important thing is that you move through your feelings; it may not even be important to work out where they came from. Letting go of whatever you are holding onto so tenaciously may be a very long process. It may involve going to a counselor. It will certainly involve being honest, raising your level of conscious awareness, and developing the art of real communication with your partner. Honesty can be painful initially but it's always worth it in the long run, because once you have truthfully acknowledged the problem, then it can change. You can't go anywhere new without starting from where you are.\n\n_I was with this guy for a couple of years and then the sex got to be very unsatisfying. I think what happened was that I closed down to him emotionally. I stopped having orgasms._\n\n#  **A Great Love Doesn't Always Guarantee Great Sex**\n\nNotice I have not asked if you love your partner. Unfortunately, loving someone does not ensure good sex with that person. You may love someone _and_ have good sex with them; you may love someone _because_ you have good sex with them; and you may love someone you don't have good sex with. I would advise you to be careful of making a commitment to anyone just because the sex is great. When we are sexual with someone, we open ourselves up to the possibility of experiencing ecstasy. This is a very powerful and wonderful state to be in, but it shouldn't be mistaken for an unlimited source of love. Nor is the person who occasions this response necessarily someone you should spend the rest of your life with. Wonderful sex is a fine thing, but it is not always a healthy basis for a lasting relationship.\n\nMany people have issues with intimacy, and it may have nothing to do with the specific person. Frequently it's simply a reaction to becoming very familiar with someone. If your partner begins to feel like family, then sex with him or her may start to feel inappropriate. Dulling of passion through familiarity is not an inevitable fact, however. There are a number of different ways to work on spicing up a relationship. Being willing to experiment with new ways of doing things is the first prerequisite.\n\nOften the people we love are the ones we spend most of our time with, the ones for whom we make many little compromises, because we want them to be happy. Those little compromises may make day-to-day life easier\u2014and they may be death to sexual turn-ons, if they result in a slow buildup of resentment.\n\nMaybe you can work on the relationship you are in, with the person you already share your life with, and end up having good sex. Maybe you will need to go outside the relationship for good sex, and if this is the case, you should be able to discuss it with your partner. Maybe you will decide to leave your partner and look for a new sexual partner. This is a choice that many people will criticize you for. We are not supposed to make choices based \"merely\" on sexual desire. However, the reality for many people is that sex can be the doorway to a path of personal and spiritual growth, and if you need to leave your partner in order to follow that path, then you certainly have my blessing. There is no need to put up with mediocrity in any area of your life.\n\n#  **Communication**\n\nIf you decide that your partner is not the source of the problem (and it is unlikely she or he is the _only_ source of the problem), then the next question is, are you talking to each other about what you need in bed, or are you stuck in a routine with little or no variation, and no discussion? It is possible that if you begin to talk to each other about your desires, you may start doing things differently, and all of a sudden you'll both be having a wonderful time. It can be intensely intimate and erotic to talk explicitly about sex, which is one reason why so many of us experience embarrassment or discomfort when we do. Once you start talking, you may be surprised to find feelings of aversion do an abrupt turnaround and become feelings of arousal.\n\nYou may wish you could tell your partner that you don't like something she or he is doing, and it's fear of causing offence that stops you. It is often difficult and always important to be able to say, \"I don't like this,\" and have your partner respect that. The fact that it is so hard to say is a reflection of how much our egos are tied into being good lovers. Truthfully, no one can do everything right all the time. One person's turn-on can be another person's turn-off. If your partner is really committed to pleasing you, then he or she will be able to put aside any feelings of inadequacy and listen to you, just as you will put aside your feelings of inadequacy and listen. You may want to choose your words carefully so as not to offend, but not offending your partner is not as important as making yourself clear. It is vital for women to learn to state their needs, and state them clearly. _Say what you mean and mean what you say._\n\nIf you find yourself wanting to change your partner, and think \"If only he/she would\u2026\" be wary. You almost certainly need to dig deeper and look at yourself. Being invested in changing other people never comes to any good conclusion. In the end, you can only change yourself.\n\n#  **The Power of No**\n\nIn this culture, saying \"no\" is often equated with saying, \"I don't love you.\" In reality, the two are not related. Saying \"no\" is about establishing our autonomy in the world. It has absolutely no relevance to how much we love, or don't love, the person we are saying it to. Learning to hear the word \"no\" simply for what it is\u2014\"No, I don't want that right now\"\u2014without  experiencing it as a personal rejection, greatly enhances the ability to communicate. Similarly, learning that it is okay to say it, and that saying it won't end the relationship, facilitates the process of reclaiming and equalizing power for _both_ partners. And if it does end the relationship, you can be sure it needs to end.\n\nIt may be appalling to realize how rarely we feel we have the right or the ability to say no in our daily lives, how often we give in to subtle, unspoken pressures. Here is one perspective from an incest survivor:\n\n _The pressure (to have sex) from my father was violent and life-threatening. The pressure from my husband was the legal and societal definition of the marriage contract, and at that time, I felt that I desperately needed the protection of marriage as a buffer from sexual aggression._\n\n**\u2014CAROLYN GAGE** **2**\n\n  \n\n\nAnd another point of view, from a sex worker:\n\n _When it was my profession, I always made sure that I felt okay about what I gave in return for what I was paid. I bargained for what I felt was fair. I've made many more compromises in my social sex life than I ever did as a professional._\n\nIt is not easy to set clear boundaries, but until we establish, in our own psyches, that we do have the right to say no any time we feel like it, there will always be a little voice saying, \"I wish I could choose not to do this.\" Many of us resist owning up to the existence of this voice, because if we give it any credence, we might find it very hard to give in to someone making demands on our bodies, and _then_ we would be failing as caretakers, and _then_ we might find ourselves alone. However you will never be fully in your power until you can say no clearly.\n\nAsserting ourselves like this is not something that happens in a vacuum. In the short run, saying no, and allowing old feelings to surface, may put a strain on a relationship. Both partners need to exercise patience and tap into communication skills they perhaps never even knew they had. If couples counseling is an option, I urge you to consider it. In the long run, if each partner learns to say no and accepts the other saying it, the  relationship can only grow stronger and healthier. Ultimately, wonderful sex is about merging, and that cannot happen until both partners consciously choose to be present, in the fullness of their power.\n\nPerhaps we don't feel like saying no to sex altogether, but only to certain activities. Negotiate with your partner. Try to come from a place of compassion for your partner's needs, without giving in to them if they are at odds with yours. If you make compromises, make sure they are conscious, and know that you have freely agreed to them. Too many compromises grudgingly made will cause resentment. Make sure you end up feeling empowered by your decisions (it is _never_ empowering when you do something just to avoid upsetting your partner). When you're being sexual, stop when you want to stop, which may be long before your partner wants you to. Always do it with kindness. If you cannot get beyond your dislike, or you feel that any negotiation is more of a sacrifice than a compromise, then you need to respect that, and so does your partner. Don't try to push through your resistance, because you will only make it stronger. (In fact, once you stop trying to push through it, you may find that it goes away of its own accord.) Remember, you are not alone, and you are not crazy. You cannot continue to do things you really don't enjoy without destroying parts of yourself, and you are responding to this dilemma in a sane and normal way.\n\nRemember, too, that your partner is not your enemy, although he or she may sometimes feel like it. Even if you finally separate because you cannot fulfill each other's needs, it doesn't mean you don't love each other. A relationship shouldn't be a war zone. It is a partnership in which you work _together_ to arrive at a place where you can both be fully present and honest, and both give each other what you can without being drained, whether your relationship is sexual or not.\n\nYou may decide that you don't want to have sex at all. Channeling your creative energy into some other area of life is a perfectly valid choice, and you may still be able to maintain a loving partnership. Being sexual is only one way of giving and receiving love.\n\n#  **The Power of Yes**\n\n_**Remember, the likelihood that there are people somewhere who will appreciate what you have to offer is very high; the question you need to address is how to find them.**_\n\nThere is another side to this coin, and that is: there can be no \"no\" without \"yes.\" Some women grow up surrounded by sexual innuendoes and wandering hands that they cannot escape. Other women grow up deprived of any sexual identity at all. This is often painfully the case for women who are overweight, or otherwise considered not conventionally attractive. Verbal ridicule, physical and/or emotional abuse, and social restrictions are typical consequences for them as girls and young women. Such conditioning goes very deep and can be difficult to overcome.\n\nWomen who want more sex, or different kinds of sex than their partners offer them, may find themselves out on a limb. Women who are not in a steady relationship, or want to have sex outside a relationship, may have nowhere to turn for sexual satisfaction. If we feel like our options are limited, then we may say yes to a situation because we think it's the best we are going to get. We may end up staying with a partner, although we are not getting the sex we want, or the respect we need, because we are afraid of getting no sex at all. We may find ourselves toning down our passion in order to avoid alienating our partner. We may be accused of harassing our partner. We may be accused of nymphomania or sex addiction. Masturbation is a useful stopgap, but it doesn't fill the very real need for human contact.\n\nRemember, the likelihood that there are people somewhere who will appreciate what you have to offer is very high; the question you need to address is how to find them.\n\nWhether you find yourself needing to establish a yes or a no, compassion and honesty are essential. Although anger is a natural reaction to long periods of failing to have your needs validated (and feelings of anger should not be denied), in the long run, blaming your partner isn't going to help\u2014she or he is also a product of cultural conditioning, after all, and, extraordinary though it may seem, we are all doing our best. Talking with friends, or other people who have been through similar difficulties, and getting objective feedback and support, can make a world of difference.\n\n#  **Getting Turned On**\n\nIf you and your lover have not been sexually adventurous, maybe you just don't know how or where to start. I hope this book will give you some inspiration. Talking with friends may be an excellent source of information. There is some good graphic (or not so graphic) erotica and pornography out there, in the form of books and videos. Give your imagination some interesting material to start with, and then let it roam.\n\nBeware: much pornography is poorly produced and gives an unrealistic picture of what constitutes real sex between real people. But there is some higher quality material available, and I have listed some of these in the Resources section. I would recommend avoiding the real garbage; it may be inexpensive, but it will not help you to love yourself.\n\nIf you and/or your lover are uptight about sex and experience shame about being turned on, then you are very unlikely to have terrific sex until you examine where that shame comes from and find some way of exorcizing it. Feeling shame around our natural sexual responses and bodily functions, and needing to stay in control of our physical responses, is not unusual, but it will certainly inhibit sexual enjoyment. Good sex always involves letting go. The mind has a tendency to hold on, in an effort to prevent the body from doing something unacceptable.\n\n_I come easily when I'm on my own, but when I'm with my lover I can't always come. I need oral stimulation and he's good at it and likes to do it, but I find myself somewhat inhibited when he does it. I'm thinking too much._\n\nAre you afraid your partner will think you look ugly and sound weird when you are allowing your body to respond freely? Why not ask? You may be surprised: most people get very excited when their partner is clearly turned on. Most of us prefer to make love with someone who is responsive instead of contained. The following are all quotes from men:\n\n _I love it when a woman comes like crazy. They are so very, very unladylike\u2014it is wonderful._\n\n  \n\n\n_I love watching, listening, smelling women having orgasms\u2014out of control, into ecstasy\u2014that is very, very pleasurable._\n\n  \n\n\n_My favorite aspect of a woman's orgasm is her loss of control. For that short time she is not planning or calculating. Many women I've been with have trouble letting go, but to have a satisfying orgasm, they have to. It's not that I feel I have control over them, just that they are free for a moment._\n\n  \n\n\n_I made love to one woman who had no inhibitions of any kind. She was and is the best lover I have ever known._\n\nWhether or not you have a partner, I would recommend that you spend some time masturbating. If you don't know yourself, then you can't tell your partner how to pleasure you. Play with your genitals. See what feels good, and as I said earlier, allow your body to respond in whatever way it chooses. Vibrators are not a substitute for getting to know your body with your own hands, but they are an excellent way to achieve sensations that you won't get any other way.\n\nSpend time thinking about sex. Note what thoughts trigger an actual physical reaction. Do certain things make you squirm inside? Look at what those things are: are they things that turn you on, things that you find disgusting, or both? Don't worry if the answer is both; we have been brought up watching TV and movies that offer us a very warped view of sex: on the one hand, it's sordid, on the other hand it's glamorous. Having paradoxical and conflicting reactions to sexual desire is normal. In fact, the strength of your response, even if on the surface it appears to be negative, might be a clue that those are the very things that arouse you. Let your mind and your body do whatever they do. Don't censor, just observe. If you practice this basic form of meditation, you will eventually get to a place where you can make a choice between following the desires of your body or the judgments of your mind.\n\nHow do you feel about touching your own body? Do you enjoy making love to yourself? Or do you just want to get it over with? Notice how you masturbate. Do you follow a standard formula? If so, vary it. And take your time! Is your mind somewhere else? Are you concentrating on what you're doing? Stay with the feelings that come up when you are touching yourself, acknowledge them, and allow yourself to feel them. This is a practice that I would recommend for anyone who wants to expand their sexual awareness, because you may discover feelings of desire that you  would not allow yourself to experience when you are with a partner.\n\n#  **Dealing with Difficult Feelings**\n\nWe are trained to cover up and ignore feelings of disgust or hostility, yet it is quite normal for feelings of this kind to arise when you get in touch with the power of sexual desire. Feelings of revulsion could be the residue of an abusive past. Or they may reflect the contradictory attitude toward sex displayed and promoted by our culture; while on the one hand we are spoon-fed a sanitized version of sex in order to sell anything and everything, with the other hand we are taught to revile all things earthy or natural. Despite social worship of hard bodies, fashion models, and sports stars, there is a strong undercurrent of abhorrence for the body, especially the female body.\n\n_I don't like naked flesh, and I don't like body smells. They turn me off._\n\nFeelings of disgust or hostility could also be an indicator of problems in your relationship with your partner, as I described earlier, or of problems that your partner needs to address. Some people need coaching on topics ranging from adequate hygiene to showing simple consideration for others. However, negative feelings may come from a deeper source. Surrendering to sex can uncover all kinds of feelings you never knew you had. There is a great potential for powerful healing and personal growth here, but it may feel frightening, and fear may express itself as hostility.\n\nThe sense of merging with one's partner, or with the oneness of all things that great sex creates, can also give rise to difficult feelings. As heavenly as this merging may be, it requires the momentary sacrifice of the individual identity, the death of the little ego. And the ego may experience intense terror. Ego, that sense of your self as individual, is an essential component for functioning in the world. Learn to trust that you can experience oneness and still recover your sense of self. I suggest you take it slowly\u2014and do what you need to do to reassure your ego, short of giving up your quest for sexual fulfillment.\n\nIf you are able to talk to any of your friends about sex, here is a question you might want to ask: do you experience so-called inappropriate  feelings when you're having sex? If they are honest, they will very likely say yes.\n\n_I went through a period where every time I came, I cried. I have no idea where the feelings came from or even what they were about._\n\n  \n\n\n_I have sometimes felt the most incredible fury when I'm having sex with my partner, even when I'm really in love with her._\n\nIf you repress these feelings, then a free flow of sexual energy is unlikely to occur. If you acknowledge the feelings, without having to understand where they come from, they may simply pass. After examining them, you may find they are not important, and you may be able to consciously put them aside. If the feelings are overpowering, you may decide to discuss them with your lover. She or he may be willing to help you work on them, or you may even find that there is a way to play with them in a sexual context. If you don't have a lover, or you are unable to bring your feelings up for discussion, and yet they continue to interfere during sex, then you might want to find a counselor.\n\nThere may be a legitimate reason for you to be angry with your partner. Don't dismiss this option until you are satisfied that any lingering emotional undercurrents from a past incident or ongoing dynamics are brought out into the open and fully resolved. You may have persuaded yourself that things are fine just because that is the way you want them.\n\n**HOW TO RECOGNIZE A FEELING WHEN IT HITS YOU IN THE FACE**\n\nWe are trained to devalue our feelings, to the point where many of us don't even recognize them. Here are a few very basic pointers for getting back in touch with feelings:\n\n**1\\. Feelings are not facts or events.** But they are real and they are often loaded with energy. They are _always_ an indication of something that needs to be looked at. They often have a much stronger effect on us than facts do, and they color our experience of events. They often arise as a response to an event, although they may sometimes seem inappropriate or unjustified.\n\n**2\\. Feelings are not rational.** They can rarely be changed by a rational explanation of how irrational they are. Telling yourself or someone else that he or she is being irrational is usually ineffective, even damaging. It is an unnecessary and useless put-down.\n\n**3\\. Feelings need to be expressed.** If they are repressed, they will probably grow and require a lot of energy to keep under control. Learn to express them in ways that don't harm the people around you. Instead of snapping at someone who's bothering you, you may want to go outside and run, smash a bottle against a wall, or rant to a friend who understands that you are not being rational, and that you just need to vent. Be aware that some feelings need physical as well as verbal expression.\n\n**4\\. Feelings change.** Often the feeling will dissipate when it is expressed, or it will metamorphose into another feeling that may appear to be directly opposed: anger to fear, for instance. Allow this to happen; it is normal and it does not devalue the feeling in any way.\n\n**5\\. Sometimes it is better not to take action when you are in the midst of experiencing an intense feeling.** Strong feelings around a particular person or event may indicate that some action is necessary in order for you to take care of yourself, or of someone else, but we are not always able to see clearly when we are seeing red. Allow the intensity of the feeling to recede, then consider appropriate action when you are a little more rational.\n\n#  **Getting Down to Business**\n\nNow let's consider the practical aspects of sex. The single most important factor here is taking the time for lots of sexual play, whether you are alone or with a partner. There will be occasions when you just feel overtaken by desire and you leap on top of one another in a passionate frenzy. But if you don't take it slowly some of the time, then you might miss out on something wonderful.\n\nFirstly, make the space and time to talk with your partner about sex. Take turns: first one of you speaks and then the other. Listening is as vital a communication skill as talking. Tell your partner what you want him or her to do to you, how you've imagined it will feel when she or he does a particular thing, and how much it turns you on thinking about it. If thinking about it scares you, it is okay to say that too. Touching your partner in a gentle, loving fashion often facilitates loving communication. When you are talking about the basics of your relationship, it's good to look into your partner's eyes, but when you are talking about the nuts and bolts of desire you may want to be in a darkened room, whispering in your partner's ear. Do whatever you need to do to make it possible for you to verbalize your desires.\n\n_Allowing your partner to be with you when you feel nervous may make you feel more connected to this person. The two of you will overcome your fears together._\n\n**\u2014ALEX ROBBOY**\n\nUltimately, you want to be able to communicate using facial expressions, nonverbal sounds, your eyes, and your body language to convey your conscious intent. If you can only use words right now, then start there; but do affirm to yourself and to your partner that your intent is to be freely, openly, and lovingly sexual. Repeat this affirmation often and clearly. Hold onto your conscious intent, and go back to it whenever you feel overwhelmed.\n\nThere will be times when you don't want to talk, and in fact too much chatter may block pure body sensation and empathic feelings.\n\nAnd remember, neither of you are making any guarantees. You are making suggestions with regard to what you think you want. That does not mean that if you actually try those things you will have a wonderful time.  When you try them, you may discover that you don't enjoy them. If both of you consent, there is no harm in trying anything once. If it doesn't feel good, you never need to do it again.\n\nHopefully, as you share your innermost desires with your partner, he or she will get excited about the idea of exploring them with you. If your partner is less than enthusiastic, make sure it is not because he or she feels inadequate or frightened. A little reassurance never goes amiss. Perhaps you need a lot more discussion before you can agree on an approach to sex that you are both comfortable with.\n\nIf you are in agreement, then go for it. But go slowly, and keep giving feedback! Feedback can be verbal or physical. It is often easier to explain where you want to be touched by taking your partner's hand and placing it there than struggling with a verbal explanation. Ideally your partner will be watching you carefully and reading your nonverbal signals before you need to make them verbal. But it can be very tricky to read another person's body language correctly, so never rely only on your or your partner's ability to do so. Check things out on a verbal level at an appropriate time. And remember, it is fine to ask your partner to stop at any time; don't wait until you hate what is happening before speaking up. There may be times when you just need your lover to pause for a moment or two and stop the stimulation, perhaps to let the energy gather itself. _Don't expect your partner to know automatically what you want._\n\n_At the moment of orgasm I always want my partner to hold absolutely still inside me._\n\n#  **Take a Risk, But Don't Take It Seriously**\n\n**Being graceful is neither realistic nor important\u2014this is sex, not ballet.**\n\nResign yourself: you _are_ going to have to take initiative. You don't need to be brazen about it; if shy is what you feel, then it's fine to let that show. Don't hold yourself tightly\u2014let your feelings be clear to your partner, especially if you are turned on. Allow yourself to be responsive.\n\n_It's hard for me to come when my partner is not clearly turned on and desiring me._\n\nAre you nervous about taking the initiative? Then ask your partner, \"Is this okay?\" But don't let your fear of making a mistake stop you. No doubt you will occasionally make mistakes. We all do, in all areas of life. The important thing is to learn and move on. Don't let yourself be paralyzed.\n\nWhat if your partner gets so nervous while trying something new that he can't maintain an erection? Well, as any lesbian will tell you, that shouldn't matter in the least because it is generally easier to pleasure a woman manually or orally. In any case, why should intercourse be the sole focus of your play?\n\nWhat if your body starts shaking or you find yourself sweating with a combination of nervousness and desire? If it's really too frightening, have your partner hold you and stroke you gently. Go ahead and cry if it helps.\n\nLearn to laugh at yourself; gentle laughter can be enormously healing. You will never do everything perfectly. There will always be times when you accidentally pull your partner's hair or do something clumsy and embarrassing. Being graceful is neither realistic nor important\u2014this is sex, not ballet.\n\n_Sex is often really funny. Not put-down, humiliating funny, but the \"Hey, we're all human aren't we?\" kind of funny where people and body parts do surprising or unexpected things at odd moments. Being able to laugh together at those moments peels off a layer of self-consciousness and awkwardness, traits that inhibit orgasm._\n\nOnce you have learned to go more slowly, vary your pace. Teasing is often a great deal of fun. You might spend days developing sexual tension, knowing that you can choose to go \"all the way\" whenever you want. Anticipation can be half the pleasure. Expand your definition of sex to include more of what is generally called foreplay. Many women can come or get very close to coming from having other parts of their bodies stimulated, besides their genitals.\n\n_Almost any part of my body can be erotic, but especially my breasts, neck, back, buttocks, and mouth._\n\nThere is no need to limit sex to the bedroom, but whatever place you choose to be sexual, be aware of your partner's issues. Many people need to feel sure they are not going to be interrupted. Others are more aroused when there is fear of \"discovery.\"\n\nLearn to flirt. You can flirt without looking at someone, or you can flirt with nothing but eye contact. You might flirt outrageously in outrageous places. Make sexual innuendoes to your lover over the phone. Send flowers and love notes. If you find these things laughable, then perhaps your desire for your partner is jaded. How does it feel to think of doing these things with someone else?\n\nPlay games. Dress up. Adopt a new persona or create scenarios to act out with your partner; maybe one of you wants to be the seducer and the other a reluctant (or not so reluctant) innocent. There are infinite possibilities here: the meter reader who arrives while the seductive lady of the house is in the bath; the gardener who is horrified when his employer catches him masturbating in the gazebo; the alien from outer space who adopts a human form but knows nothing about sex and must be taught. At first you may feel ridiculous, but you may be surprised at how wet you get once you overcome your inhibitions.\n\nBe real about your feelings. Be willing to laugh. Take risks. You won't die.\n\nAll of this may or may not lead directly to orgasms, but as I said at the beginning of this chapter, such specific expectations tend to set you up for failure in the first place. Much of the art of creating hot sex is about _not_ focusing on orgasm. It may even involve deliberately forestalling climax.\n\n_Sometimes I don't even try to have an orgasm, and it's nice not to have it as a goal but rather just to experience sensations._\n\nI have devoted much of this chapter to the importance of letting go in order to have good sex; letting go of preconceptions, of inhibitions, of needing things to be a certain way, of having goals, of emotional stresses and tensions. The actual physical experience of orgasm also requires a letting go, but in its earlier phases it usually requires a physical buildup of  muscular tension. This physical tension is often necessary and should be facilitated, _not_ avoided.\n\n_The explosion of orgasm comes when the tension in my legs is released and my clitoris pulses rapidly._\n\nOur sexual responses are innate and natural, but sex is not an individual thing, it is interactive. It occurs in a social context, in a cultural matrix, which predetermines some of our sexual dynamics. Learning to recognize those dynamics can help us to make positive choices.\n\nA great deal of what I'm talking about here can be summed up as developing a sense of self-esteem, a sense of yourself as a worthy individual. In the end, that knowing of oneself as valuable without requiring any external input is the basis of leading a fulfilling life\u2014which includes fulfilling sex.\n\n#  **Asserting Ourselves**\n\nIt is so easy to let things slide, to maintain our lives and relationships the way they always have been, rather than taking the steps to change things for the better. Failing to say no or to take the initiative when you've never done either before may not seem like a problem. It _is_ a problem if it means that you are enduring mediocrity in your life. And it is most definitely a problem if you are blaming someone else for that mediocrity. What happens is a common dynamic between couples: a woman isn't happy with the relationship, but it doesn't really occur to her that she can change it, or the effort of changing it seems too overwhelming, so she does nothing, but still feels resentful. She may end up blaming her partner for her sense of powerlessness because that is less risky than taking steps to change. If she has ten children and an abusive husband who controls all the money, she must be very careful not to incite him to violence. In this country, however, many women are in a position to take their power, and what prevents them is not so much real fear as it is the habit of abdicating responsibility.\n\nOf course, this relationship dynamic may be reversed, with the male partner being the one to abdicate responsibility.\n\nIf you want to be sexually fulfilled, at some point in your lifetime you  need to take charge and make sex into a form of play where you set your own rules and call your own shots, doing only what you want to do and what gives you pleasure. If at the end of the day you have only stroked your lover's back, and you feel fulfilled by that, you can feel confident that you owe nothing more. Sex should never, even inadvertently, be a violation. No matter how many times you say \"I don't want to do anything that you don't want to,\" if you never say, \"Okay, this is what I want,\" then the relationship can never grow. Whether it is sleeping alone, having separate beds, doing nothing explicitly sexual, masturbating across the room while your partner watches, or vice versa, doing cunnilingus and nothing else, engaging in sex only in a spiritual context\u2014whatever it is, no matter how seemingly radical, you must decide what it is you really want and negotiate with your partner from there.\n\nOnce you have learned to take charge, you can make the conscious choice _not_ to be in charge if that's what you want. And remember, changing your mind about what you want is always an option.\n\nDo sex the way you want to do it, and know that you are doing it because you have chosen it. The best partners are the ones who are doing it for themselves, from a place of compassion and openheartedness. When I asked Jesse how she would describe to someone how to give her oral sex, she said:\n\n _I wouldn't tell somebody how to give me oral sex. That would be like telling someone how to talk to me, what to say to me. I want to hear what they have to say._\n\nThis is a very astute observation and explains why sex manuals often come up short. What is needed is not so much information on the practical aspects of sex, but more information on how to talk to one another with our bodies, with _and_ without words. It is a skill that can be learned if you are open to learning it. But you have to want to be there with every part of your being, not just the conscious part, and you have to be willing to be open and vulnerable. Not many of us are really willing to be that visible, that exposed. Anna Marti explains it like this:\n\n _The most exciting erotic partner is one who is totally wired into it themselves and is having a really good time. They're probably having a good time regardless of who is gong to be there. The erotic experience is really about having every cell in my body engaged._\n\nWomen are traditionally the givers and that is what we tend to do: we give ourselves away, not in the sense of making ourselves vulnerable but in the sense of giving up our innate inner being. We give up our own needs in favor of our lover's.\n\n\"Giving\" in this sense means prioritizing someone else's needs and feelings over our own, and many of us have been taught that our needs are not as important as those of others. This is a lie. We cannot be complete human beings if we do not pay attention to our own feelings. Feelings are what inform us of our needs, of what is right for us individually, of why we are here being human. Our feelings will guide us on the paths we must follow throughout our lives. Healthy sexual relationships are about balance, not sacrifice, about sharing, not withholding.\n\n#  **Claiming Our Passion**\n\nMany women are able to claim their sexual passion in spite of their cultural conditioning. They assert their sexual passion, knowing they are doing it for themselves and not for anyone else. And they look for kindred spirits in the people they choose to be sexual with, opting to work together to develop honest, open partnerships."}
+{"input": " Write about the different dynamics and experiences of hard and soft sex, including the feelings and emotions that can arise during these encounters. Discuss the concept of consensuality and its importance in both types of sexual exchanges. Additionally, touch upon the various fantasies and desires that individuals may have and how they can be explored and expressed in a safe and consensual manner.", "response": "Even when a woman does experience sex as an act of submission, she may feel empowered by it; paradoxically, total surrender\u2014letting down all defenses and allowing physical pleasure and passion to take over\u2014can be deeply liberating. Such a woman may consent to being submissive in that context; she may very well be someone with power and responsibility in her everyday life, and wants to experience the opposite in bed. She recognizes the universal truth that vulnerability always requires strength. She remains securely connected with her own inner power and stays connected to that source of personal power even when she appears to be acting submissively.\n\nStrong sexual energy can feel alarming, especially to people who were molested as children. This kind of dynamic can be addressed within the context of sexual play.\n\n_It used to be that I would feel like an abuser if I really let my passion show. There didn't seem to be any way around it. My lover just didn't like the way I moved when I got to a certain level of arousal. Finally we negotiated that we would take turns being the one in charge, being the one to give or the one to take. This works really well, because I know there is no possibility of her being overwhelmed by my sexual energy when she is in charge because she directs the action. She can tell me to lie still if she wants._\n\nOne woman told me that she solves this dilemma by tying her lover up. Then there is no question who is in charge, and her partner never has to worry about restraining his desire because it is restrained for him. What a simple way to deal with a problem that might otherwise destroy a relationship.\n\n#  **It Hurts So Good**\n\nThere are many ways to have sex, many levels of passion, and many ways we can act out that passion. Having a skilled person make love to you slowly and gently, with the physical energy never building to a high crescendo, might be all you want. There are probably times when any of us might want only that, and there are other times when we want something quite different.\n\n_I've had nasty bad-ass sex with people I know very well and am very close to, and I've had very loving sex with people I hardly knew. Sometimes you just gotta do bad-ass sex._\n\nThese labels\u2014 _bad-ass sex_ and _lovemaking_ \u2014are descriptive, and also misleading, since bad-ass sex can be about love just as much as lovemaking is. I'm going to label them _hard sex_ and _soft sex_ **.** Soft sex is what most women are expected to want. Many men are trying to be more sensitive, softer, and more gentle sexually. They are sweet and loving, they are very respectful, and they are trying to give women what they think we want. Soft sex, especially if it's done as a consciously tantric type of practice, may involve a very intense psychic experience, but it rarely involves  a lot of physical exercise. It's often about transforming the physical sensations into a more emotional or spiritual realm.\n\n_I work at prolonging the stage just before orgasm, and I often have to stop moving to stop myself coming. I try to equalize the energy throughout my body. Sometimes I feel like I'm coming through my skin. Depending on how intense and trusting we feel with each other, we become like light, and we move in and out of that place. Our spirits do an in/out merging thing, so we feel like one body with four arms and legs._\n\nHard sex is more about giving free reign to the physical manifestations of passion, and to the less acceptable feelings that come up for some of us during sexual play. It may be hard and fast and energetic; it may be slow, intense, and filled with suspense; and it may even be perceived as violent.\n\n_I like the interplay between reverence and nasty, sexually confrontational behavior. I crave that exchange and tension._\n\nThis sort of exchange might include teasing, bondage, role playing, voyeurism and exhibitionism, dominance and submission, spanking, or other forms of physical contact that would generally be experienced as painful or unpleasant in other circumstances; or it might include fantasies about such activities. And it might not include any of the above, but it will certainly include a level of physical passion that creates and is created by intense energy. In this state of arousal, the physical experience changes, and what would normally be uncomfortable can become profoundly erotic.\n\nUnder no circumstances whatsoever do I recommend any kind of sex during which either partner is not being fully respected. However, some women (and some men) need to have sex that is not always soft. Donna sums this up:\n\n _My partner is very in tune with me physically and psychically. And his approach to sex is a form of communication; from the beginning we've related physically. He's extremely intuitive. He also asks questions and then understands what I want immediately. But there's something more than that\u2014he's not afraid of hurting me, he knows he's not hurting me, so he's much more\u2026I don't know the word. Maybe it's that there is more freedom and abandon with him. With other partners there have always been more constraints._\n\nThese constraints are about sublimating the physical. As in so many areas of our lives, the prevailing mode of relating to someone of the opposite sex is clearly reflected in the sex act itself: the man is assumed to be the dominant one, the one who takes charge, who \"runs the act,\" and in the process of asserting his desire and his needs, he must be careful not to hurt the woman he is with. It is rarely assumed that the man is in any danger of being hurt by his female partner. It is assumed that he is bigger, rougher, and stronger, and so is his desire. In reality, when a woman allows her body's passion and desire to take over, it becomes less likely for her to get physically hurt. You have two bodies dancing together: where one moves forward, the other gives way.\n\nMichael, who is clearly used to being with passionate women, expresses this very well:\n\n _When I'm inside her, most often I just try to let my body accommodate her, the grinding and thrusting against me, picking up her rhythm or her shifting position to provide the kind of contact she needs. I make myself an instrument of her pleasure, and I really enjoy being used that way. When I'm going down on her the force of her thrusting against my face can occasionally be quite uncomfortable, but I'm so caught up in her experience that I really don't mind. It's very exciting and I love the ride._\n\nIt is unfortunate\u2014not just that men are usually running the act and that women tend to be alarmed by intense physical passion, but that so many people think that this is the way it should be. There are too many \"shoulds\" surrounding our sexual desires. Some women desire sex just as much as the most macho man, and some men desire sex as little (which may be not at all) as the most asexual woman. Women can orgasm just as quickly as men, given the right stimulation. Under the right circumstances, a woman's sexual appetite can be just as large or larger than a man's. Sexual stereotyping limits us all.\n\n#  **Fears Versus Passion**\n\nWhen a couple come together unafraid of one another, and they refuse to be limited by false stereotyping or the fear of experiencing pain, then opportunities for unlimited passion will open up for them. We are all, men and women, responsible for creating these opportunities by letting go of restrictive, outmoded assumptions. Whether you are a man whose ego is tied up in a certain kind of sexual performance, or a woman who is afraid of taking the initiative, you must open up to new ways of being, and be willing to take risks if you hope to experience your full potential for ecstasy.\n\n_Now is the time for women to reclaim the power, intensity, and varieties of our orgasms\u2014that knowledge has been lost and repressed\u2014but to do so we must be willing to be animalistic, experimental, uninhibited, and uncontrollable._\n\n**\u2014DR. ANNIE SPRINKLE**\n\n  \n\n\nWe may be afraid of what we might become if we don't stay in control. Ironically, these fears are more intense _because_ we deny them. If and when we let them out, they generally become quite manageable. The fantasies of being raped or of hurting someone that haunt so many women turn out to be just that\u2014fantasies of being powerless or powerful. They reflect absolutely nothing about the reality of our everyday lives. Rather, they reflect an internal need to experiment with some aspect of ourselves that wants expression. Think of it as your \"shadow\" side. It is unavoidably a part of who you are but not a part that is appropriate for public consumption. And that's fine, because there is no reason why you shouldn't be able to find a safe place to act it out in private with a trusted partner. And there is every possibility you can have a lot of fun with it.\n\n_When I was twenty-two, I was making out with my lover on her couch when she jumped up and said, \"Stay right there, I'll be back in a minute!\" She came back with a rope and said, \"Look! Put your hands up here.\" Then she tied my hands and feet and made love to me. I came and came and came\u2026_\n\nTalk to your partner about your fantasies, or the feelings that sometimes  surge up when you let yourself express your desire. Discuss the possibility of acting them out. You could even plan a scenario and assign yourselves roles to play. See what happens. You may very well find that verbalizing the fantasy or the feeling is all you really needed. You may also discover that you enjoy playing out your fantasies. I think of this kind of play as an erotic party game or an adult form of cops and robbers. I clearly remember getting the same kind of excited high out of cops and robbers when I was a child as I do now, as an adult, from sexual games.\n\nThis is one fantasy that a friend of mine has had since she was a little girl. It's not one that should be acted out! But you could base some interesting games on it.\n\n_I imagined that I had a guy tied up, and I was stimulating him sexually. He was getting really excited, but we both knew that at the moment when he came I would kill him. He always got to the point where he couldn't control himself any more\u2026_\n\nWith hard sex, as with soft sex, the key is _consensuality,_ which means that each partner commits to full participation. True consensuality only exists when both partners understand what they are committing to, and that understanding can only be reached through clear discussion. A sexual exchange may look sweet and loving, but if it is not fully consensual, it is not loving. On the other hand, a sexual act may look violent and dangerous, but if it is fully consensual, then it is a loving exchange. All is not that it appears to be on the surface.\n\nWhile I certainly do not need hard sex all the time, it is an essential part of my repertoire. I see it as a valuable forum for many women and men, one where we can safely express a level of passion that may have no other harmless outlets.\n\n#  _**Notes**_\n\n1 Nancy Friday, _My Secret Garden: Women's Sexual Fantasies_ (Pocket Books, 2008). Originally published in 1973. She also published a second collection of women's sexual fantasies called _Forbidden Flowers_ (latest edition Pocket Books, 2003).\n\n2 Carolyn Gage, \"Pressure to Heal,\" _Lesbian Ethics_ , 1992."}
+{"input": " Write an informative chapter about penetration and the G-spot, focusing on the importance of lubrication, the role of the PC muscle in sexual satisfaction, and the various ways to enjoy penetration. Discuss the misconceptions surrounding virginity and the idea that penetration is essential for sexual satisfaction. Include personal anecdotes and experiences to illustrate the points made in the chapter. Additionally, provide tips on how to locate and stimulate the G-spot, and discuss the use of sex toys for penetration.", "response": "\n\n**CHAPTER** **9**\n\n**PENETRATION AND THE G-SPOT**\n\n_My lover once penetrated me so deeply with her hand that I felt as though something I didn't know existed had exploded (pleasantly!)._\n\n#  **Lubrication**\n\nAny chapter on penetration must start with praise for the wonders of artificial lubrication. Indeed, even if you never engage in any kind of penetration, the soft, silky, sliding feeling of good lubrication is a sensuous delight.\n\nIn my experience, few women produce enough natural lubrication to enjoy penetration or manual clitoral stimulation for very long without some discomfort. Good lubrication will enhance your enjoyment, enable you to carry on much longer, and considerably reduce the risk of getting vaginal or urinary tract infections.\n\nOlder women tend to have less natural lubrication, but the quantity of  natural lubrication we produce varies, like all other aspects of our sexuality: some women get very creamy very quickly, while others produce little wetness however aroused they become. Even for those of you who get very wet, I would recommend having a bottle of lube on hand for all sexual play. There may be times when you want to prolong a session of lovemaking beyond the point where you have started to get a little sore. On these occasions, the use of a lubricant can make the difference between a yeast infection, a bladder infection, and no infection at all. Some parts of our bodies, such as the anus, don't naturally produce lubrication. You _must_ use artificial lubrication if you are doing anal penetration.\n\n_Sex definitely felt very uncomfortable until I discovered lube\u2014that made a big difference._\n\nThe most common kinds of artificial lubrication, made specifically for use during sex, are water-based, which means two things: they will wash out of the vagina easily, and they will not degrade condoms. Oil-based products\u2014vegetable, mineral, or petroleum, which include Crisco\u00ae, baby oil, Vaseline\u00ae, and most massage oils\u2014will degrade latex condoms or gloves very quickly.\n\n_One of the stupidest things I ever did was have sex with this guy when all we had to use for lube was olive oil. Believe me, olive oil destroys condoms._\n\nSilicone-based lubes don't degrade latex (although they do damage silicone dildos). I have heard of women having allergic reactions to these lubricants. You need to find out what works for you; there are enough choices that you don't need to use anything you find irritating.\n\nIf you are not using latex condoms or gloves, you can use massage oil for lubrication, but I recommend not using anything that is mineral-based on any sensitive, or potentially tender, parts of your anatomy. Oils don't wash out of the vagina as readily as water-based lubes, and they tend to encourage the growth of bacteria.\n\nSome lubes have a high level of glycerine in them and this makes them sweet, which may promote the growth of yeast cells. Some lubes are foamy, some are smooth, some dry out more quickly than others, some  are runnier, some are thicker. Some reconstitute when you add water, which means you can use them sparingly because you can add a few drops of water instead of lube when they start to dry out\u2014but beware of lube spills that dry out and appear harmless until you try to wash them away, and they turn into a slippery morass!\n\nK-Y\u00ae Jelly, which is probably what your gynecologist uses when she examines you, comes in a tube rather than a bottle. It is perfectly adequate, but doesn't feel quite as silky as some other brands, and K-Y\u00ae tastes worse than most, although none of them actually taste very good. Some lubes contain nonoxynol-9, a chemical that kills the AIDS virus. But nonoxynol-9 is an irritant, and many women are allergic to it. I don't recommend it.\n\nYou don't need to go into a sex store to buy lube\u2014there are a variety of products available at pharmacies, and increasingly, supermarkets. If you'd like a wider selection, check what's available online; see the Resources section for suggestions. Some sex toy stores even offer lubricant sample packs, so you can try several kinds of lube without investing in large bottles of each.\n\n#  **The PC Muscle**\n\nIf you are going to enjoy penetration, and have good orgasms, it is a good idea to have well-toned muscles in the pelvic area, and, in particular, a healthy pubococcygeal (PC) muscle. This is the sling of muscle that supports the sexual organs, and I believe it should be considered as integral to a woman's sexual makeup as the clitoris or the G-spot. Just as different parts of the body work together to make us functional human beings, the different parts involved in sexual response work together to enable us to experience full sexual enjoyment. Chronic tension or weakness of the PC muscle can radically affect our sexual responses. Not surprisingly, women who are afraid of or uncomfortable about sex may have a chronically tense or weak PC muscle. According to _The G-Spot_ 1, a woman with a strong PC muscle is more likely to have orgasms, strong orgasms, multiple orgasms, and different kinds of orgasms. She may also produce more natural lubrication.\n\nHaving sex and orgasming are a workout for this muscle, but there are also specific exercises that you can do, called Kegels, which were originally developed by Dr. Arnold Kegel to help his patients with urinary problems.  You can buy something called a Kegelcisor\u2122, which looks like a tiny dumbbell, that you insert into the vagina, and then practice holding it in there and making it move. You can also practice tightening and relaxing that muscle at other times. Try to isolate it from the muscles in your buttocks and your belly, because you may be failing to exercise the PC muscle if you don't. To check your progress, you can isolate the PC muscle by stopping the flow of urine in the middle of urination. However, you should not make this a regular practice or training method, because the continual interruption of urine flow can increase the risk of urinary tract infection.\n\nOnce you've sorted out what the muscle feels like, you can do sets of exercises. A typical set would include: clenching slowly and then relaxing ten times; clenching as fast as you can ten times (flutters); and pushing outwardly ten times. Work up to doing thirty repetitions within each set, five times a day.\n\nSome women find the sexual awareness that results from doing Kegels uncomfortable; you may not welcome an overt sensation of desire, when you are just trying to get on with your life. There you sit, working at your desk, when one of your coworkers comes over to discuss something with you. You feel a flush of turn-on and your PC muscle contracts, grabbing your attention. It might be easier to be able to ignore your body. Once again, you have to decide your own priorities; how much time and energy are you willing to spend on sex? What if your sexual desire arises at a time when it's not \"appropriate\"?\n\nWomen who are uncomfortable with their sexual responses are going to cut off their awareness of the PC muscle, without even knowing what they are doing, because it is an effective way to cut off their awareness of their sexual responses. What if they find themselves responding to another woman, and they have ambivalent or negative feelings about homosexuality and bisexuality? What if they want to be faithful to their husbands? What if they respond to images of bondage, and they believe this response is deviant? Deciding _not_ to make a negative judgment about what turns you on is a necessary prerequisite for toning your PC muscle. As long as you are cutting yourself off from any muscular responses that your brain deems unacceptable, you are cutting your mind off from your body, and limiting the possibility of being a whole, healthy human being.\n\nThe advantages to a healthy PC muscle are not just sexual. A woman with a well-toned PC muscle is less likely to have bladder problems, she  will probably have an easier time with childbirth, and she is far less likely to suffer from a prolapsed uterus. She may even find that her periods become more regular. Women who suffer from cystitis or vaginal infections may find Kegel exercises surprisingly beneficial. Severe cramps (menstrual or otherwise) and lower-back pain can sometimes be traced to an overly tense PC muscle.\n\nI know of a few women who can come just by flexing their PC muscle. A number of women report that they are able to orgasm from vaginal penetration alone after doing Kegel exercises for several months. (As I discussed earlier, having an orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, without any direct stimulation of the clitoris, is something many women think they ought to be able to do, but rarely can.)\n\nHaving very strong muscles isn't necessarily preferable for your partner, as this quote from a man illustrates:\n\n _I had one partner who had the most incredibly strong vaginal muscles. When I was inside her, she could induce pain without externally visible signs, not even a facial twitch or grimace. I have a very strong grip, and I cannot squeeze my penis hard enough to cause pain. She could\u2014with her vagina. I had to ask her to be careful, which was difficult for her when she was in the middle of an orgasm._\n\nHowever, a woman with a well-toned PC muscle, able both to relax it fully and to tighten it, is a woman who is sexually aware and responsive, no matter how she reaches orgasm.\n\n_I've learned to come through muscle control, with no direct physical stimulation at all. This basically involves doing Kegels, although I've found that mentally focusing on the area just inside my vagina and at the front helps a lot._\n\nNote that it is as important to be able to relax the PC muscle as it is to be able to tense it. You may have a very strong PC muscle, but if you are unable to relax it, then you will have problems, just as you would with any chronically tight muscle in your body.\n\n#  **Penetration Is Not Essential**\n\nMuscles sometimes become chronically tense for emotional or psychological reasons, and this is commonly the case with the PC muscle, perhaps because we have so much emotional and psychological baggage associated with sex. If a woman is afraid of penetration or intercourse (and there are many reasons why she might be), then fear will cause her to tense her PC muscle. Suddenly her vagina is smaller and tighter than it normally is, and intercourse will inevitably be painful. The medical term for this is vaginismus, and it is not uncommon. If this is a problem for you, then I urge you to seriously consider whether you want penetration at all. I know lesbians who have very satisfying sex that rarely or never involves penetration. There is no reason why the same shouldn't be true for other women.\n\n_As a teenager I had intercourse with lots of guys, and it seemed like a real waste of time. The best sex I had in those days was when I refused to have intercourse with this one guy, and he got me off with his fingers on my clitoris. That was great._\n\n  \n\n\n_The best orgasm I ever had involved no penetration at all; it just came from this utterly animal desire. I was on top of her, we both had all our clothes on, and we were just rubbing our bodies on each other. Neither of us were doing anything to the other; no one was directing anything. The orgasm just exploded out of me. She came at the same moment._\n\nLinda Valins, who suffers from vaginismus herself, wrote an interesting book on the subject, _When a Woman's Body Says No to Sex_ _2_ _,_ but it is important to understand that women whose vaginas tighten up when they are about to be penetrated vaginally are not necessarily saying no to sex. I believe they are saying no to penetration in particular. Some of these women are still able to have very enjoyable sex. Penetration is like the color pink, or riding horses, or anything else in life: some people just don't like it.\n\n_I sometimes like vaginal penetration, but only if I'm very turned on._\n\n  \n\n\n_I have never felt the need for penetration during sex. It's not that I abhor it, but it does nothing for me. I don't get turned on by it. I don't feel anything much, and so it happens only because my partner wants to do it. For orgasms I need my clitoris touched. The vagina can take it or leave it._\n\n#  **But Some of Us Really Love It!**\n\nPlenty of women (myself included) cannot imagine satisfying sex that doesn't involve penetration. It wasn't always this way for me, however; I spent at least five years during my twenties having sex with little or no penetration. What happened to make me start wanting it? There was no obvious cause or event; I believe I simply began to relax around sexual issues. As I began to enjoy sex more and more, my PC muscle, with no conscious effort on my part, became very toned. As I worked on myself, I lost the psychological and emotional charge I once had around intercourse, and I became interested in penetration just because it seemed like it could be fun.\n\n#  **Virginity: The Arduous Process of Losing It**\n\nVirginity is such a loaded concept in our society. It is supposed to be a major event when you lose it, and yet I haven't met many women whose experience was enjoyable. Most of us have the same incredulous reaction to an event that is supposed to be one of the most momentous of our lives: You mean _that's it?_\n\n_It was the first time for both of us, and we were really inept. It was one of those experiences that is funny in retrospect but deeply mortifying at the time._\n\n  \n\n\n_When I was seventeen, I met this guy who was much older. He wouldn't have intercourse with me until I was eighteen. On my eighteenth birthday he brought a condom out (I'd been asking to have sex), and we did it. I didn't feel anything. It didn't hurt, it was just boring. I lay there thinking, oh my god, this is it?! I was so disappointed._\n\n  \n\n\n_My first experiences with intercourse, as a teenager, didn't do anything for me. The very first time I was with a guy my legs went numb, I guess from him putting pressure on my thighs while he was on top, and I thought that must be a vaginal orgasm. I wasn't excited about it._\n\n  \n\n\n_I'd decided it was time for me to lose my virginity, and so I went to bed with a guy. It was fairly clinical: quick, calculated, and a little weird._\n\n  \n\n\n_My boyfriend took me out to the country, we had a bottle of champagne, and then did it on a blanket in a field. The setting was beautiful, but the act was disappointing. I felt scared and uncomfortable._\n\n  \n\n\n_We were supposed to play this silly game where we were leading boys on and yet never allowing them to go the whole way._\n\n  \n\n\n_By the time I was fifteen, I was really bored with this absurd game\u2014it just didn't make any sense to me\u2014so I got myself a boyfriend and had intercourse with him. He told me I couldn't be a virgin because I wasn't scared enough._\n\n  \n\n\n_My partner didn't believe I was a virgin. He thought I had lots of experience because of my enthusiasm and passion._\n\nBy contrast, Mary did enjoy her first experience with intercourse:\n\n _It felt great\u2014a vibrator can't match how a big, hard cock feels!_\n\nMaybe what made it feel so good for Mary was that she had been masturbating, with penetration, for a number of years prior to her first time doing intercourse. Or perhaps her lover was simply more skilled.\n\nBut the crux of the matter is that most cultures place a ludicrous amount of importance on an act that is barely an event for most women, particularly as the hymen may well have been broken long before the moment of consensual penetration by a penis, either due to the use of tampons,  or to molestation or masturbation. Fortunately, the social and biological concepts of virginity are finally beginning to change. Younger women may be reaping the benefits of these changes: greater access to information, a more caring attitude on the part of men, and a better likelihood that a woman will feel comfortable and proud in her sexual desire.\n\nThe bottom line with penetration is the same as the bottom line with sex: how important is it to you? If you decide it is important and now is the time when you want it, then you must choose a partner whom you trust to be caring and patient, and you must take steps to remove any sources of tension. If you worry about getting pregnant, then either use adequate birth control (your idea of adequate may not necessarily be the same as someone else's, and this is a situation where only _your_ idea of adequate matters), or use something other than a penis for penetration; fingers and dildos don't cause pregnancy.\n\nSome men have very large penises, and they may have trouble finding women who can comfortably accommodate them. Like men with very small penises, they have to find other ways of making love. In a society where sexual play has been so overshadowed by the importance placed on intercourse, such men may be at an advantage. They have an incentive to learn how to satisfy a woman in other ways. (I heard of a man with a very large penis who would bring himself to orgasm by penetrating his lover's cleavage. This might work well for women with large and sensitive breasts. And then he gets to use his mouth and hands between her legs.)\n\n_I once had a partner who had a very small penis, and he was the best lover I ever had. He'd had to learn to compensate._\n\n#  **Enjoying Penetration**\n\nIf you are concerned about pain with intercourse then you may want to experiment on your own, putting your fingers, or something else, inside your vagina, so you are prepared for what it feels like. But, remember, you should be in control. If at any time you experience something you don't enjoy, you must be able to stop at once. Many men, especially inexperienced ones, attempt penetration too quickly, and if you aren't ready, then it won't feel good. It may take a woman a long time (hours, weeks, years) of experimentation before she is ready for intercourse. Are you unable to  imagine asking your partner to stop in the middle of a sexual encounter? I have said it before and I will continue to repeat it: you must get into the habit of talking to your partner before, during, and after sex. Verbalize what feels good for you, asking him or her to slow down or speed up or change position to suit your desire. If he or she doesn't like taking direction from you, this is a serious problem that needs to be resolved before you carry on with the relationship.\n\nRemember that if a woman is a virgin, she is likely to expect penetration to be painful, although, in fact, it isn't always so. Many women have lost their hymens by the time they embark on intercourse, and even if they haven't, the breaking of the hymen is an individual sensation. Some women experience a brief, sharp pain while others never notice a thing. The hymen can stretch quite considerably, so it is possible to experience penetration for quite a long time (months or even years) before it finally tears. Once it is fully torn, it should cause no further pain. But it doesn't always tear completely. Some women may find that a piece of it remains for years. If it is bothersome, it can be removed by a physician. Occasionally, a woman will have a hymen that may give her trouble:\n\n _I had an unusually tough hymen and unsuccessfully attempted intercourse with one lover who, confronted with my inexorable virginity, became impotent. At twenty-one, I found this shattering. Was it my fault? It was particularly hard in light of early molestation. When I did manage my first time, it was with a trusted (and undaunted) friend. It took us several awkward tries. It hurt but it was also a relief._\n\nAs with all sexual acts, trust is vital. It isn't just a matter of trusting that your lover will respect your needs and take care of you. You also have to trust your own body; you have to know this is something your body wants. You have to believe that your body can open up and relax and have a good time. Bad experiences with penetration, childhood molestation, adult rape, clumsy partners, or even carelessly done vaginal exams may make a woman's body reluctant to open up to the possibility of sexual pleasure.\n\n_I was in an abusive relationship for a couple of years, and for some time after that I couldn't have orgasms, even with lovers who were not at all abusive. It was like my feeling of self-trust had been damaged, because I had allowed that abuse to happen to me._\n\nIn the nineteenth century, it was quite normal for women to experience intercourse as painful and unpleasant. A wife did her duty by her husband; if she enjoyed sex, it was an unexpected bonus. Things have changed, and nowadays, a man is \"supposed\" to take the time to make his wife happy in bed (and many truly want to do so). Unfortunately, those Victorian ideas still lurk in our subconscious, and there are women who expect intercourse to be painful on a regular basis, not just the first time. And if they believe this, then they will hold their bodies tightly to forestall the pain. A tight vagina does not generally welcome penetration, but there are plenty of things a couple can do that don't involve penetration, which will lead to the woman getting more and more turned on, so that at some point she may feel the desire to have something inside her. Start with nothing bigger than one finger, just at the entrance to the vagina. This is a classic situation where lots of lubrication will make everything feel better. Don't be afraid of making a mess.\n\n#  **The Astounding Vagina**\n\nVaginas may be short, narrow, tight, long, spacious, wide, soft, big, sensitive, hard, round, muscular, or any combination of these. They can expand and contract very considerably in size. It is amazing how much a vagina may change its texture and shape in a short space of time, depending on the mood of its owner or how it's being stimulated. I strongly recommend that you investigate this phenomenon on yourself, using your own fingers to feel inside yourself at different stages of turn-on. And I certainly recommend anyone who makes love to women to investigate this in their lovers! Hands are the most versatile and wonderful tools of lovemaking. Some women seem to balloon with fingers inside them, while other women tighten down. Some women get hard and muscular inside, and other women get soft, like whipped cream. Some women fluctuate from one to the other.\n\nThe cervix (the lower part of the uterus) lies at the back of the vagina, sometimes lower or higher or to one side along the back wall. Although some women like cervical stimulation, it must be gently done. Men should  always practice holding back their desire to \"ram it home\" until the woman makes it clear that she is ready. Premature intercourse, resulting in the penis hitting the cervix, can be very painful. When a woman is aroused and her body is ready for intercourse, the back of the vagina becomes round (called \"tenting\"), the uterus pulls upwards, and the cervix retracts. In this position, the cervix is out of the penis's way. Women who are raped often suffer damage to the ligaments that hold the cervix. This is because, due to their lack of arousal during the assault, the cervix isn't pulled out of the way, and it gets battered by the penis. This may result in prolapse of the uterus, which means that the muscles that normally hold the uterus up are unable to do so and the uterus drops down into the vagina.\n\n#  **Taking It Slowly**\n\nHard, fast, deep penetration can be very hot, and there are certainly times when that is what is wanted. But not many women can take a lot of banging on the back wall of their vaginas, and they may prefer slower, more sensual penetration, at least initially. Almost all women want it slower some of the time, and there is a great deal to be said for allowing the sexual sensations to flood all the way through the body. I stress this, not because I think it is _better_ than fast, hard sex, but because it is something that few people practice. Fast, hard sex is exactly that\u2014it carries you fast and hard, so you don't really have time to let the experience sink fully into your awareness. Since so many of us are uncomfortable with explicitly sexual feelings, we may prefer to keep it that way. It wasn't until I realized how fulfilling it was to be fully open to the depth of my sexual feelings, and the connection with my partner that inevitably followed, that I was able to do sex slowly, and to revel in the exquisite delight of feeling every sensation throughout my whole body.\n\nDeborah Sundahl describes slow, gentle genital massage that is nurturing as well as erotic:\n\n _There is a way we can learn to drop into ourselves: it requires complete physical, emotional, and mental relaxation. With a slow, gentle touch and deep breathing, we can let go and surrender into the sensations, and reach a state of arousal that is like a meditation. In that stillness, we become alive._\n\n#  **The G-Spot**\n\nThe most sensitive area of the vagina is usually the G-spot. This area lies inside the front wall of the vagina about an inch in, just behind the urethral opening. Some women report no sensation at all in the vagina. Others report different sensations of varying intensity in different areas of the vagina, and this is where fingers are the perfect instrument for searching out those wonderfully sensitive places. Try hooking your fingers under the cervix, circling the cervix, hooking your fingers behind the G-spot, stroking the surface of the G-spot, stroking the vaginal walls in a circle with varying pressure, and moving in and out.\n\nSome women never locate anything that corresponds to a G-spot, so don't get hung up on finding it. It is much less distinct in some women than in others. You are looking for a particularly erogenous area within your vagina, not some magical spot. It is a mistake to think of the G-spot as an isolated lump, separate from the rest of your vagina or your clitoris. It is one of several areas of erectile tissue that make up the genitals, a sensitive part of the whole female sexual anatomy, which is united by nerve endings that connect directly to the brain as well as other parts of the body.\n\nOf the women who _do_ recognize a G-spot, some say it is bean-sized, whereas others say it is more like the size of the ball of the thumb.\n\n_It's rough and bumpy. The skin on it is like a strawberry, with pits and bumps._\n\n  \n\n\n_My G-spot feels like gills. It feels a little bit different from the rest of my vagina\u2014it has ridges. It's bigger than an almond, more like a Brazil nut._\n\n  \n\n\n_My G-spot is about two knuckles long and one knuckle wide, and it feels like a rough sponge covered with little pockets._\n\n  \n\n\n_I've never really tried to find it, but it isn't an immediately apparent feature of my body, and even after some years of sexual activity it appears I haven't found it._\n\n  \n\n\n_I have no experience of a so-called G-spot and no interest in it either._\n\n#  **Location, Location, Location**\n\nYou should be able to feel your G-spot clearly if you just rub your fingers across that area. Because it is erectile tissue, it will begin to swell. Mine quickly develops hard ridges at the lower end (the end closer to the entrance of my vagina) when I rub it. However, it isn't clearly defined; I couldn't say where it ends or begins.\n\nDirect stimulation of the G-spot can be so intense that some women experience it as pain, so please proceed gently! Other women will have trouble differentiating it from any other part of the vagina. But stroking the G-spot may cause an orgasm very quickly, and it causes some women to ejaculate. I discuss female ejaculation in detail in the next chapter.\n\nBecause an erect penis doesn't bend (much), it doesn't stimulate the G-spot as well as fingers. (I'm happy to report that all but one of the men who responded to the questionnaire say they regularly used their fingers for penetration.) If you do want a penis or a dildo to stimulate the G-spot, it is a little more effective in certain positions, in particular when the woman is on all fours or bending over, facing away from her partner. Different positions can make a tremendous difference to a woman's enjoyment, so I recommend that you experiment. The best method I have found for locating the G-spot is to lie on your back, have someone insert two fingers into your vagina and curl them up toward the belly, as though using a beckoning motion. This catches the back of the G-spot. From there the fingers should be pulled forward out of the vagina. That way you know you have had your G-spot stroked by the tips of the fingers.\n\n_That feeling of fingers rubbing along my G-spot is just fantastic, and after I first experienced it (which was, of course, with women), that really added a powerful dimension to orgasm that hadn't been there before. A penis just doesn't do it._\n\n  \n\n\n_The first time I really became aware of my G-spot was when I started having sex with women. I mean, I must have been having my G-spot stimulated with men, but I never knew it. Becoming aware of G-spot stimulation and doing anal stimulation are what made me have vaginal orgasms._\n\n  \n\n\n_How does it feel when someone touches my G-spot? I think I'm gonna die. It's hot but it isn't a temperature\u2014it's a pressure; it's not nice and sweet; it's not like kissing. It sorta has fangs. It's really visceral and intense._\n\n  \n\n\n_There is a kind of unlocalized general, pleasant sensation, but it's hard to pin down \"there's the spot.\"_\n\n#  **Toys**\n\nThere are many things with which to penetrate a vagina, but please use common sense. Some vegetables work well. Do not use a plastic bottle without a lid, because there is a possibility that you may create suction and then you'll be unable to get the bottle out. Do not use anything with sharp edges, or anything made of glass, which might break.3 Do not use anything round like a ball that might be difficult to retrieve. If you want to experiment, go to a good sex store, or check sex stores online, and buy something specifically made for the purpose. There is an enormous variety of dildos: short, small, fat, wide, thin, long, S-shaped, to mention a few. They come in many different sizes and shapes and colors. Some are curved at the end to get at the G-spot more easily. Some are designed to look like a real penis and scrotum, but they can be made to represent all kinds of things, from dolphins to corn on the cob, from a fist to a woman's body.\n\nDildos are generally made from rubber, silicone, or plastic-related substances, but they can also be made from metal or wood. I have a friend who made several from driftwood. Obviously, plastic and silicone are the safest because they are perfectly smooth and easily cleaned, though beware of \"jelly rubber\" toys which contain a chemical known as phthalates that can irritate some women's vaginas. (If a toy smells \"plasticky,\" that's a sign it contains phthalates, so it's best to use a condom on it.) If you use anything made of wood or any other substance, please make sure it won't leave splinters or cause scraping or tearing! It must feel completely smooth to your hand, or better still, your tongue. To ensure cleanliness, which is vital if you plan to use more than one orifice, or have more than one partner, it is best to use a condom on _anything_ used for penetration. Believe me, it is far easier to remove and replace a condom than it is to go into the bathroom and wash the object in question.\n\n_I find putting on a condom very erotic. I love watching fingers unrolling it._\n\nA dildo can be wielded by hand, or, if it has a suitable flange, it can be \"strapped on,\" using an apparatus to attach it somewhere on the body. Usually this is for attaching it in the groin area, but harnesses are now made so that the dildo can be attached to your leg, or your belly, or even your forehead. While this may seem bizarre, it gives rise to some interesting possibilities.\n\nA harness that straps a dildo onto your groin usually consists of a couple of straps that go around each buttock, a strap round the waist, and a piece at the front where you slide the dildo through. It is held in place by a metal or rubber ring (you'll need to have a ring of the right size for the diameter of your dildo). Note that you cannot strap on a dildo unless it has a flange to prevent it sliding all the way through the ring.\n\n#  **To Use a Dildo\u2026or Not Use a Dildo**\n\nLet me philosophize before I go any further. The average reader is probably convulsing with laughter, secretly or openly, at the idea of strapping on a dildo. The quintessential old-fashioned lesbian (in the event that she reads this book), knowing that hands and mouths are by far the most versatile instruments for giving a woman pleasure, is shaking her head in hopeless amazement, and saying, \"Why would anyone want to try to copy such a useless piece of equipment as a _penis?\"_ And the quintessential heterosexual (who ought to be reading this book) is saying, \"My god, what is she talking about, surely only lesbians need to use _dildos?\"_ Neither of them can imagine keeping a straight face long enough to actually get the thing on, much less use it.\n\n_I can't imagine anything more ridiculous than a woman wearing a dildo._\n\nI used to be one of the lesbians who couldn't understand why anyone would want to try to copy a penis. What changed my mind? I finally allowed myself to admit that penises fascinate me\u2014not just the physical penis itself (which fascinates me in the same way a vagina does: it's an extraordinary  body part, with a \"mind\" of its own), but the power that is associated with having a penis. I started playing with dildos as hand-held objects because I had a lover who liked the sensation of something long and hard inside her, and she asked me to use one. There did seem to be times when a dildo could do things a hand could not. The same lover finally persuaded me to strap on. I struggled with my feelings around the absurdity of it all; I finally accepted that she really wanted it and I really wanted to please her, so I obliged. Still, it was another three years before I could see someone with a dildo strapped on without having to suppress the desire to laugh. They do look ridiculous (but then I used to think that about real penises back in the days when I played around with them).\n\nNow that I take dildos seriously, I have lots of fun with them. There is still, and always will be, a huge place in my life and my cunt for hands. However, strapping on has added a new dimension to my love life. One of the great advantages of strapping on a dildo is that it leaves your hands free to do other things. But much more than that physical factor is the psychological factor; there is just something quite different and very enjoyable about having an appendage attached to my groin. It is extremely suggestive. It need not be a blatant visual, although the visuals with a dildo can be wonderful. It can be a bulge tucked inside a pair of jeans, or even under a skirt if you want to get really kinky, or a hard phallus pressing against your belly. You can even buy dildos that ejaculate. The gender-bending aspect of a woman with a penis is intriguing, and the particular pelvic motions that come naturally when you are wearing a dildo are also interesting. All in all, it is an experience worth trying if you can keep a straight (pun intended) face.\n\n#  **Ode to the Dildo**\n\nAlthough hands are certainly more dexterous than penises, if what you want is to be penetrated with something long, then hands might not do it for you. Dildos are quite versatile; for instance, they can be heated. Place a dildo in a pan of just-boiled water before using it. Nothing relaxes and delights the muscles of the vagina as fast as a hot dildo. It is an experience every woman should have at least once in her lifetime.\n\nDildos are always there, and always hard, when you want them. They never get tired, they never get soft, they never get diseases (although they  can carry them, and you must make sure you wash them thoroughly, or use condoms, or both). They are never in the way; when you tire of them you can happily fling them into a drawer. Buy several of different shapes and sizes, and have a selection lined up for the evening. You can purchase blow-up dildos attached to a hand-held bulb to enlarge them once they're in place. You never need to worry about your lover's penis being too small or too big or too soft or too unreliable again. And by the way, you can get dildos that your boyfriend or husband can slide over his own penis, either because he has trouble getting an erection or because you want something bigger. Oh, the wonders of modern technology!\n\nIf I were a man I think I might be alarmed at the idea that such an important part of my body could be so easily replaced with a lump of plastic. Let me reassure you, there are things a dildo cannot do. They haven't yet invented one that smells or tastes like a man, or one that can reproduce the experience of a penis going from soft to hard.\n\nYou may be wondering how the wearer of the dildo can enjoy it, for surely they have no sensation. How do they know they are in the right place at the right time? Skillful use of a strapped-on dildo requires a bit of practice, probably about as much as skillful use of a penis. You may be surprised at how quickly you become accustomed to the feel of a dildo that is in the right place. And there are all kinds of things you can do to make sure it turns you on, such as positioning it so that the base of it stimulates your clitoris, or wearing a small vibrator or another dildo inside you, so that you get plenty of stimulation as you move. The thrusting motion and the feel of the dildo against the pelvis is enough for many women. I know a number of women who come while they are wearing a strap-on: by jerking off using their own hand or someone else's; by penetrating someone; or by having someone suck them off. Some women expect to come this way, and it is their favorite form of sex. Whether it is from the physical stimulation or the psychological effects, who knows? And who cares?\n\n_Coming when I'm strapped on is somewhat tenuous. Getting there is completely dependent on her reactions, her movements, sounds, arousal, need, desire. But if I become too focused on her having an orgasm, the potential I feel building in me to have one will fall by the wayside. If I keep that balance, soon the feeling of potential becomes a feeling of certainty, and then automatic thrusting takes over and I usually roar and bellow as I come. This kind of orgasm seems to go on much longer than the ones I have from masturbating or from being made love to._\n\nI should make it clear that just because a woman experiments with strap-on dildos does not mean she wants to be a man. Most women have no desire to have a permanent penis. What they are doing is playing with the fantasy.\n\n#  **Other Orifices**\n\nOf course the vagina is not the only place on the body that can be penetrated pleasurably. There are other body cavities available for sexual pleasure, such as the mouth and the anus. Anal penetration is discussed in the following chapter.\n\nThe mouth is also an erogenous zone. There are lots of things you can have done to your mouth, or can do to your partner's mouth; simply stroking lips with a wet finger, or a finger with wet lips can be intensely arousing. But you can go a lot further than that: you can use your mouth all over someone's body and you can use various parts of your body, including temporary parts of your body like dildos, in or on someone's mouth. Many people find it uncomfortable to have something large in their mouths, but it does not have to be large, and, to be erotic, _it should never be forced down the throat._\n\n  \n\n\nJesse recently came from having her fingers in her lover's mouth:\n\n _We'd been playing around for a while, and we were both very aroused. She was licking and sucking my fingers. I told her not to move, and I slowly slid my fingers deep into her mouth until I felt the incredible softness at the back of her throat spasm around my fingertips. I held still, totally absorbed in the amazing thing happening between us, and my orgasm just surfaced from deep within me, bursting out in a roar._\n\nThe possible variations of sexual play are endless. We forget them when we focus on what we think we're meant to be doing, when we get stuck  on a limited concept of what sex is, and when we fear other people's judgments. I hope this chapter will open your mind to new ways of perceiving sex as a delightfully limitless form of play.\n\n#  _**Notes**_\n\n1 Alice Khan Ladas, Beverly Whipple, and John D. Perry, _The G Spot: And Other Discoveries about Human Sexuality_ (Holt, 2005). Originally published in 1982.\n\n2 Linda Valins, _When a Woman's Body Says No to Sex: Understanding and Overcoming Vaginismus_ (Penguin, 1992).\n\n3 There are some dildos that are made out of glass; they're made of special kinds of glass and produced in such a way to make them safe for sexual use. They're solid through and through and thus not easily breakable.\n"}
+{"input": "Could not generate response.", "response": "\n\n**CHAPTER** **10**\n\n**EJACULATION, FISTING, AND ANAL SEX**\n\n_I don't know what causes me to ejaculate. It's happened very rarely\u2014only as part of a long, intense bout of lovemaking (usually in the first few months of a relationship). I find it slightly embarrassing, though as I get very wet anyway I'm not sure it's that noticeable to anyone else._\n\nWhat follows are discussions of some of the lesser known possibilities in sexual play\u2014not because I think everyone ought to be doing them, but because information on them is so limited. And these activities can be enormously pleasurable.\n\n#  **The G-Spot and Ejaculation**\n\nThe existence of the urethral sponge, or G-spot, and the female ejaculation that is associated with it, are still barely acknowledged and only reluctantly accepted by many people, including many physicians. Why not?  Surely a phenomenon as obvious as ejaculation would be noticed? Not by a society that has ignored and denigrated women and their sexuality for centuries. Female ejaculation was mentioned by Aristotle, so it was known in ancient times, and it is commonly acknowledged in some present-day cultures. The South Pacific Trobriand Islanders described female ejaculation to Western anthropologists who, because of their ignorance, assumed that they were speaking of urination1. The Batoro people, of Uganda, don't consider a woman eligible for marriage until she can spray the wall, and the older women of the tribe teach her how to do so2. The implications of this are significant; obviously women can ejaculate with some force. Would we all ejaculate if it were expected of us?\n\nEjaculation may be more common among lesbians.\n\n_During twenty years of straight sex I never once experienced ejaculation with a man; now, with women, I ejaculate nearly 100 percent of the time._\n\nThis could be because she is more orgasmic with women, or that the kind of sex she does with women is more conducive to ejaculation, or both. It is also possible for a woman to be unaware she is ejaculating.\n\n_After we'd been having sex, there was always a big wet spot in the bed, and I always thought it was him. Much later, another man told me that he could feel me squeezing fluid past his penis when we were having intercourse, and I realized that the wet spot was me._\n\nOne woman responded to the questionnaire with: No, she didn't ejaculate. Then she crossed out her \"No\" and wrote:\n\n _Well, this is interesting! I was completely unaware of ejaculating until I filled in your questionnaire. Then I talked with my partner, who informed me, with surprise, that I didn't realize that I ejaculate profusely when highly orgasmic, usually with oral stimulation. I said, \"I thought all that wetness was just spit!\" \"No, no, no!\" said he._\n\n#  **What Is It and Where Does It Come From?**\n\nWhen we do notice ejaculation, we may think we are urinating, and if our lovers don't know any better, they may well support us in this assumption. While there are a few women who lose bladder control during sexual activity, female ejaculation is _not_ incontinence. The chemical composition of the fluid that is released is different from urine, although it does contain varying (usually small) quantities of the same substances as urine. It is similar in composition to male ejaculatory fluid, without the semen. It appears to be produced by the paraurethral glands (or Skene's glands), which lie within the erectile tissue of the urethral sponge. The ducts of these glands empty into the urethral canal. Because the male prostate gland is homologous to the urethral sponge, the G-spot is sometimes referred to as the female prostate.\n\nHowever, because it has not been documented at all until recently, many doctors have no idea that female ejaculation is a perfectly normal sexual response and not an aberration. Women who tend to ejaculate profusely may prevent themselves from doing so, thus censoring their sexuality in order to avoid dealing with negative reactions. Female ejaculation has often been misdiagnosed as urinary stress incontinence. The solution offered for this problem was often surgery. (There is little incentive for a woman to question a doctor's diagnosis when she is not only embarrassed by the condition, but is also desperate to be normal.) We don't know how many women have had unnecessary operations, because there is no way of discerning, in retrospect, whether these patients were ejaculating or, in fact, peeing. It is time for female ejaculation to be recognized for what it is: a completely normal sexual response.\n\nFemale ejaculatory fluid is thin and usually clear, although sometimes it has a yellow tinge; it may also be whitish. It does not leave a stain when it dries. One woman, who went to the trouble of collecting hers, says:\n\n _My ejaculate contains a visible suspension that, over time, will precipitate. This precipitate appears to be whitish and somewhat mucosal, consistent with the type of secretion produced by the male prostate gland._\n\nThe ejaculate appears to be expelled from the urethral opening (as is male ejaculate). Women report that it has different odors, varying from sweet  and sexy to a little fishy, but they all say it is odorless when it dries. You may realize you are ejaculating if you find you are not quite so well lubed down there, even though you are still very excited. The ejaculate is watery and has the same effect as water: things don't slide on it, and it tends to wash away the lubrication. It is quite unlike the thick, clear, or whitish slippery secretion that is produced in fairly small quantities by an excited vagina.\n\nThe fact is, we still know very little about female ejaculation, and about the range of possible sexual responses. The first time I experienced a woman ejaculating, I thought it was the hottest thing that had happened to me in a long time, and I didn't care whether it was pee or not. She hit me in the chest with a powerful spray of fluid as I knelt between her legs with my fingers inside her. I was astounded. This particular lover would regularly soak the bed with her ejaculations. Sometimes she would flood, and sometimes she would squirt. I usually left the sheets drawn back after we'd made love, so that the bed would dry. The fluid never left a stain or an odor once it was dry. One day we were coming out of the bedroom when a couple of friends of mine were in the hallway. I saw one of them look at the bed and then clutch her lover's arm in excitement. \"Look, Jane, someone else does it! I'm not the only one!\" She knew exactly where that wet spot came from. Like many women, she was embarrassed about her tendency to ejaculate, and very happy to find out that she was indeed not the only one.\n\nThis is how one man feels about it:\n\n _I love to help a woman explore her capacity to ejaculate, I love to make it happen, and I love to be covered in it when it does._\n\n#  **Who? When? How Much?**\n\nSome women apparently never ejaculate at all; some have always ejaculated since they first became actively sexual; some ejaculate only with a lot of penetration; some women teach themselves to do it; others try to learn without success; some women squirt fluid; others just flood.\n\nWhat is responsible for the variation? One hypothesis suggests that it may depend on the number of paraurethral glands in the urethral sponge; some women may have thirty or more, while others may have only five or six. One of the men I spoke with claims that there is a correlation between  the size of the G-spot and ejaculation. According to his theory, the larger and more well-defined a woman's G-spot is (which may well relate to the number of glands and ducts in the urethral sponge), the more likely she is to ejaculate.\n\nThe strength of the PC muscle may also play a part, although I know women with very strong pelvic muscles who don't ejaculate.\n\n_The more fit and muscular I am, due to weight training and lots of pelvic tilt exercises, the easier and more intense my ejaculatory orgasms are._\n\nThe stimulus that causes ejaculation to occur varies from woman to woman, as do all sexual responses, and it also varies according to her psychological and emotional state. A number of women report that the same kind of stimulation will sometimes fail to make them ejaculate at all, and at other times make them flood the bed. A few women can consciously make it happen, but most can't. Several women have commented that they associate ejaculation with being relaxed, and I believe this is a key factor. In this sense it's a different experience from a purely clitoral orgasm, which often seems to require some preliminary tension.\n\n_With a G-spot orgasm I find there is a need to relax that isn't necessary for a clitoral orgasm. I have to remember to relax, to let the sensation go up inside._\n\nIt is also possible that ejaculation occurs in some women and not in others due to a range of anatomical differences. Anatomical variations in the genital region are not unusual, and it seems reasonable to suppose that there is a gradation of ability to ejaculate, related to small differences in the equipment a person is born with.\n\n_I ejaculate frequently just because I am aroused, without any physical stimulation of my G-spot._\n\nOral sex is a fairly common method of incitement. So are vibrators. Joy taught herself to ejaculate by experimenting at home until she found the right combination of stimuli to do it herself. She uses a strong vibrator  but finds the combination of deep penetration and vibrator is more reliable. Linda uses a heavy-duty vibrator pressed against her vulva, angled slightly upward.\n\nBut in the majority of cases, ejaculation seems to result from intense sexual arousal involving direct G-spot stimulation. Laura can ejaculate without being touched at all, but, according to her lover, she ejaculates more copiously when she is being stimulated by fingers hooked behind her G-spot.\n\nSome women only ejaculate with penetration. Quite a few of the women I spoke with were in their forties and had started to ejaculate recently. Indeed, women such as Terry, Jesse, and myself all associate the experience of ejaculation with fisting, or at least with heavy penetration. However, it may be simply that we are at an age and a place in our lives when we are more open and relaxed, mentally and physically, thus allowing us to experience new sensations.\n\n_The most typical and most gratifying ejaculatory orgasm I know is through strapping on and having \"intercourse\" with a woman. When a partner is not available, I ejaculate through male-like masturbation, either by simulating intercourse (e.g., humping a pillow) or by jerking off (wearing a strap-on)._\n\n_So you see, for me, and I assume I am not alone, ejaculation is more akin to the type of ejaculatory response experienced by men; there is no direct involvement of the vagina._\n\nIf your partner sits between your legs, he or she can feel your G-spot by inserting two fingers and then curling the fingers up as though making a beckoning motion. For most women, that is the position that will stimulate them to ejaculate, although it may be too intense, producing a strong sensation of the desire to urinate. This need to urinate may be misleading; many women report feeling the need to pee just prior to ejaculation, when, in fact, that intense swelling feeling is the precursor to ejaculation. It may be that women who would otherwise ejaculate stop themselves from doing so, because they think they are going to pee. It is possible to retrain yourself to experience urination anxiety as a pleasurable sexual response. You can do this by sitting on the toilet, emptying your bladder completely, and then stimulating your G-spot until you feel the need to pee again. You will probably find you don't actually need to. Every time you  think you do, let yourself do so, and then resume touching your G-spot.\n\nThe amount of ejaculate varies considerably from event to event and woman to woman. Some women may consistently ejaculate, but only in small amounts. Other women ejaculate copiously. The amount of fluid that can be produced is phenomenal, and a few women can carry on for an hour or even more.\n\n_Multiple, back-to-back ejaculations do not decrease the volume of ejaculate produced; the fourth or fifth ejaculation can be just as voluminous as the first._\n\n  \n\n\n_One of my current companions is a \"hair trigger.\" A few licks and tickles and a bit of heavy pressure and massage with two or three fingers, and she's primed for a series of flowing orgasms that flood the bed (impervious ground cloth under the sheets leaves three to five sodden towels and actual pools that we end up rolling around in). It always amazes me the quantity of fluid that she is capable of producing and how quickly she can recover and go again._\n\n#  **The Relationship of Orgasm to Ejaculation**\n\nEjaculation is sometimes simultaneous with orgasm, but definitely not for all women all of the time. Some said it was not related to orgasms. Quite a number of the women I questioned said that it commonly occurred just before orgasm, but for some it occurred afterward. For women who have multiple orgasms, it can be quite difficult to distinguish between what is an orgasm and what is the plateau between. However, this woman is very clearly able to differentiate, and finds that ejaculation is a kind of orgasm in itself:\n\n _I have always ejaculated, although I didn't have a clitoral orgasm until I was forty-four. Nowadays I ejaculate before or after a clitoral orgasm, not during. I can tell when I am about to ejaculate. It's a buildup to a climax and then a sudden relief of tension, satisfying in itself but quite different from the deep orgasm I have with clitoral stimulation, which is like a flow of energy exploding from the sex center with waves up the spine and down to the fingers and toes, which then gradually ebbs away deliciously._\n\nThe woman quoted below is clear that ejaculation enhances her orgasms:\n\n _Ejaculatory orgasms are far, far more intense and decidedly more satisfying than any nonejaculatory orgasm I've ever had._\n\nOne woman says that she loses all interest in and desire for sex after she has ejaculated, even though she doesn't experience the ejaculation as an orgasm in itself:\n\n _I ejaculate from vaginal stimulation only, when my vagina is dilated and very wet. The ejaculation makes me too wet to orgasm and everything relaxes; sensation is gone and I hardly notice any further stimulation._\n\n#  **The Power of Ejaculation**\n\nFreed from the embarrassment of thinking they are incontinent, most women find ejaculation very pleasurable. Deborah Sundahl, who has produced a video called _How to Female Ejaculate_ _3_ _,_ connects its physical and emotional release with a deeply cleansing spiritual surrender.\n\nThe first time Linda ejaculated a sizeable quantity of fluid, she felt that the expulsion of the fluid was directly connected to her rage against a man who had abused her:\n\n _I started having orgasm after orgasm and I got to the ninth one, and all of a sudden I shot out an ounce or two of fluid. I had ejaculated before but only a little bit, nothing like this. While I was masturbating I'd been thinking about this man who had sexually and emotionally abused me, and I'd been cursing him and yelling at him. It was like the ejaculation was a huge emotional release. I still had more orgasms inside me, and I still felt angry. I was gnashing my teeth, so I carried on and had three or four more, and then on the fourteenth one I shot out almost exactly the same quantity of fluid as the first time. I was so amazed\u2014here I found I could shoot out all that fluid; I mean, where did it come from?_\n\nMy personal experience is that I never know when I have done it, and other women say the same thing: there were times when they had what they thought was the sensation of ejaculation, but there didn't appear to be any ejaculate; and there were other times when they were surprised to discover that they had soaked the bed.\n\n_It's not always simultaneous with an orgasm, and sometimes it feels like a whole other kind of orgasm. Other times I don't know I'm doing it until I find there's a big puddle. I squirt, I don't flood; I once shot a couple of feet at least. Sometimes both me and my lover think I'd be ejaculating but I'm not._\n\nEven women who had been doing it all their lives said that sometimes they only knew they were ejaculating because there were certain kinds of stimulation that always made it happen.\n\nVictoria and Judy, who both ejaculate on a regular basis, commonly push out whatever is inside them\u2014fingers, dildo, penis, fist\u2014by contracting their vaginal muscles very hard when they ejaculate. If they're not able to do that, then they can't squirt (though they may flood and seep) because the fluid cannot escape; and perhaps also because they cannot contract the vaginal walls.\n\n#  **Vaginal Fisting**\n\nFisting is an activity that involves one person inserting his or her whole hand into another person's anus or vagina. It is as intense an experience as it sounds. Before attempting fisting, speak with someone who is experienced or read about how to do it. See the Resources section for suggestions.\n\nVaginal fisting is a common practice among some lesbians. It is presumably less common amongst heterosexuals, because they are less likely to use their hands in sexual play. Men also tend to have larger fists. In theory, anyone can fist anyone else, no matter what their sexual orientation. It is not an activity that is limited to women who have had babies, have large vaginas, and have lovers with small hands, although all these may be advantages. The only essential prerequisite is the desire to do so, coupled with the belief that it is not only possible but enjoyable. Many of us have a psychological block against fisting because we think it will be painful.  In fact, when our bodies are ready for it, there is no pain associated with fisting, only pleasure.\n\nNevertheless, as a concept, fisting is totally out of the question for many of us\u2014and there was certainly a time when it was unimaginable to me. I could not visualize comfortably accommodating more than two or, at most, three fingers in my vagina. There are still times when this is true for me. The first time I conceived the possibility that I might take someone's whole hand inside me, I dismissed it at once. At that time, my lover had had a baby, but I had not. So, I reasoned, my vagina was not likely to be able to expand enough to take a fist. But\u2026lo and behold, a few months went by, and we got close to it several times, until I got frightened and tightened up. She kept telling me I was huge inside. I knew what _she_ was capable of; her vagina opened up into a huge, moist cave. Was mine doing the same thing? One day when we had been making love for a while, I put my fingers inside my own vagina, and sure enough, there was plenty of room in there. Pretty soon thereafter she slipped her whole hand inside me. There was a moment of cramping and then a blissfully intense sensation. I had never felt so delightfully filled up.\n\nThe vagina is designed to expand to allow a baby's head and body to pass through it, and most newborns' heads are bigger than most adult's fists, and some women's fists are smaller than some men's penises. Men should remember that they tend to have big fists, and _nothing should ever be forced into the vagina._\n\nWhat makes vaginal fisting possible is the ability of the vagina to change its shape when it is stimulated in the right kinds of ways. It is normal for a vagina to \"balloon,\" that is, the muscles of the vaginal walls contract very tightly and pull away from each other, forming a spacious, round, hard-walled cave. In the previous chapter, I mentioned \"tenting,\" which is apparently the early stages of ballooning. A ballooned vagina is an ideal receptacle for something round like a fist. I personally find that my vagina alternates quite rapidly between this ballooned state and the opposite state, where the walls turn completely soft, like whipped cream, and the whole vagina closes in on itself. The walls are so soft at that point that it's almost as though the vagina is trying to suck something in. It's like putting your hand inside a jellyfish that doesn't sting!\n\nSomeone who is not already perfectly comfortable with deep penetration (five fingers) is not going to be able to take a fist, so don't even  try. But if you have been enjoying deep penetration and can take all five of your partner's fingers without discomfort, then slipping past the third set of knuckles is quite possible. However, you do need to be in an emotional space where you can completely relax. You must trust your partner. Make sure she or he fully understands how to do it. Being fisted requires a profound level of surrender. Set aside time for foreplay that really turns you on. Give your partner plenty of verbal feedback about how it feels and what you want. Be prepared for a little cramping the first time you are fisted. _Stop at once if you experience any severe pain._ The same warnings apply to fisting as to all sexual activities: be willing to let go of the idea if it becomes uncomfortable or painful. It does no good for your head to decide today will be the day if your body is not in agreement. Put aside your agenda, and don't be in a hurry. You can always try again another day.\n\nThere have been times when my head wants my vagina to take a fist, and my body has refused it. Why my body sometimes refuses a fist is a matter for conjecture since my body doesn't form words except under instruction from my head. But I would say it is because there are some unresolved emotional issues with my lover, usually issues that have nothing to do with sex, and often issues that I think I have already dealt with. But my body responds on a physical level, as bodies tend to do, by not letting her in physically.\n\n#  **The How-tos of Vaginal Fisting**\n\n_You have to be careful with fisting; there is a thin edge between what you want and what your body can take. You get so into it that you want to have a sense of something driving up through your eyeballs. You really have to trust someone to let yourself experience that. With fisting you have to consciously consent to the whole sexual experience, not just to orgasm._\n\nIf you are going to fist someone, make sure your fingernails are short and smooth, and you have no hangnails. Remove rings, bracelets, and wristwatches. The contact between your hand and your partner's vaginal walls will be much greater than when you're just using a couple of fingers, so a  latex glove (or other kind) is necessary for safer sex, and may in any case ensure that you don't abrade your lover. If you have longer nails, put cotton balls in the fingertips of the glove before you put it on. Use lots of lube, approximately three times as much as you think you need. Apply it to the fist, though it's a good idea to smear some around the vagina as well. Don't hesitate to stop and apply more any time you think you may need it.\n\nThe entrance to the vagina must be relaxed, since that is normally the tightest part. There are two rings of muscle that control the entrance to the vagina, and the inner ring is the part that tenses up.\n\nTake your time. Make yourselves comfortable. You could have your partner lie on her back with her legs over the end of the bed while you sit on a chair between her legs. If you arrange yourself so that you are sitting a little lower than the fistee, you won't have to bend your wrist so much, and the angle of penetration is slightly up toward her belly rather than down toward her spine, which she may find more comfortable. The fistee could also be on all fours, facing away from the fister.\n\nSpend as much time as you need\u2014hours, if necessary\u2014just playing around, with three or four or all five fingers up to the second set of knuckles. If you're smart, you will not be attempting this unless you are accustomed to this kind of play already. At this stage, keep your fingers together and straight, or only slightly bent. Keep your thumb curled in so that it lies in the center of your palm. If the fistee is not happy with five fingers, then don't press on!\n\nFollow your partner's direction as to when to push and when not to push. Be sensitive to her body language. Tune in to her responses and watch her facial expressions.\n\nWhen, finally, your third set of knuckles slides in past the tight point, let your hand close into a fist, preferably with your thumb tucked inside. At this juncture your partner might want you to hold still inside since she may experience a little cramping. Usually this will pass within a few seconds; if it doesn't, gently remove your fist and try again another day. You can try some clitoral stimulation, as this sometimes eases the cramping, but if you are both beginners, it is wiser to withdraw.\n\nInvite feedback, and allow your partner to direct the action. Clitoral stimulation at any point during the process may feel very good. Lightly stroking or fluttering your hand on the belly just above the pubic bone can also be very pleasing, as can stroking her thighs, buttocks, and nipples.\n\n_It's a completion of experience, having my hand in another woman's vagina._\n\nRemoving your fist when you're finished is often easier said than done, especially as your partner may tighten down if she orgasms. And after she comes once or twice or more, your hand may begin to feel as if it's being sliced off at the wrist. You can either time the removal of your hand with the final contractions of an orgasm, at which point she is usually pushing out, or you can wait until she's finished and starts to relax, and then ease your hand out as best as you can. It may help to have the fistee take a deep breath; the fister can then gently ease the fist out on the fistee's exhale.\n\n_I recall one time when I was being fisted and the fist got stuck, and it wasn't until we started joking about having to spend the rest of our lives that way, and laughing hilariously, that we were able to come unstuck._\n\nWhat do you do with your fist while it's in there? That depends very much or your partner and the size of your fist. If you have a large fist or she has a small vagina, you may not be able to move much, and she may simply get off on the sensation of being filled up; she may not want you to move at all, and your attempts to move may cause cramping. But if you have a small fist or she has a large vagina, you may be able to move quite a bit. Moving sideways, to and fro, or round and round, even very slightly, can be very exciting. Be careful not to push hard into the vagina since you may hit her cervix. If you have lots of room, try extending your fingers and stroking the walls of her vagina in various places with your knuckles and fingertips. You can also try just expanding and tightening your fist.\n\nIf your partner is on all fours, facing away from you, the sensations of movement inside are quite different. Some people definitely prefer being fisted in this position.\n\n#  **Vaginal Fisting and Orgasms**\n\nBeing fisted is certainly an incredible experience, and the orgasms that result are often very intense. Along with the extraordinary feelings of trust and openness, several women I spoke with experience a sense of  helplessness and immobility, which they enjoy. For others, it is not vulnerability but aggression that comes to the surface.\n\n_When I am being fisted I feel very aggressive, very primal, very \"animalistic.\" I get incredibly loud and I growl. It is probably the only time I am 100 percent selfish in sex, and I think if anyone tried to step in and stop it, I would snarl and snap like a wolf whose kill is being threatened! Also, my orgasms are different, less of a spike upward to orgasm and more of a long, slow ramp, indescribably intense and pleasurable with a hint of pain._\n\n**\u2014MARY**\n\n  \n\n\n_When I am the fister, it makes me feel incredibly powerful! I feel like I am inside her soul, like there is total spiritual communion with her; to experience her complete surrender to me; to smell, hear, and see her arousal; to feel her opening to my hand, to my will!_\n\n**\u2014MARY**\n\n  \n\n\n_It arouses a feeling so intense in me that I feel as if I'm going to explode from the inside\u2026and the orgasm I have is not the same as a clitoral orgasm, it's much more intensified\u2026it feels like I can't take any more, but I don't want the feeling to stop._\n\n**\u2014DENICE**\n\n  \n\n\n_The experience of fisting is the purest transfer of kundalini, and the most intense intimacy, that I know._\n\n**\u2014CATHERINE A. LISZT**\n\n  \n\n\n_For a while now, I've recognized that I finally \"learned\" how to meditate during my quest to be fisted. That sense of relaxation, of concentration and not-concentration, of openness, of wholeness\u2026I was somewhat floored when I first realized that what I was doing was, essentially, meditating, and that this was why the sensation was so much more intense and fulfilling._\n\n_I really couldn't figure out why fisting was so different from other types of penetration, why that particular type of openness was something I was so intensely drawn to, until I thought about kundalini. The openness is the same as I get during my meditation /masturbation exercises, but there's something further\u2026the degree of connection\u2026yes, it is like being touched, inside, not in my body but in my energy stream. It's touch that goes beyond the physical into a different kind of sensation._\n\n**\u2014RENEE**\n\nThis is by no means a complete introduction to fisting. If fisting is an activity that interests you, I suggest reading _A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting,_ by Deborah Addington.4\n\n#  **Anal Sex**\n\nMany women find the idea of anal sex off-putting, and usually it is because we are concerned about hygiene, or because it seems so invasive, or because we expect it to be painful. Transmission of AIDS and other diseases such as hepatitis can certainly occur through anal sex more quickly than through other forms of sexual play, but latex or nitrile gloves and condoms are effective barriers.\n\nAnal sex should not hurt, and if it does, stop! The anus is a taboo area of the body, and we may simply not wish to deal with the feelings that come up when someone touches us there. On the other hand, it is exactly that taboo quality that attracts others to it.\n\nThe anus is full of nerve endings, which can make for very pleasurable sensations. If you wish to try anal sex, the same rules apply as for vaginal fisting: relax, take it slowly, use plenty of lube, give and be willing to receive feedback. Using plenty of lubrication for anal sex is essential, since the anus does not provide any natural lubrication. To begin with, you may simply want to spend time stroking the outside of the anus, which can be extremely erotic in itself, without any penetration at all.\n\nThe art in anal penetration is learning to relax the anal sphincter, and most people find this does require practice and trust, so don't expect to be able to perform anal penetration with more than one finger in one day. It may take months to be ready and willing to accept something as large as  a penis (even a fairly small one). There is no hurry. The best preparation is doing it a little at a time, both alone and with a partner.\n\nOral stimulation of the anus is another option. However, ingestion of fecal matter can cause hepatitis and other diseases, so always use a protective barrier before you proceed. Use scissors to cut a glove open on one side so that your tongue will fit in the thumbhole; apply some lube to the skin, to increase sensitivity. You may also use plastic wrap.\n\nDue to the ease of transmitting disease during anal play, I strongly recommend using a glove for anal penetration with a finger or fingers. It is a matter of basic hygiene; if you encounter fecal matter in there (which is fairly common, and certainly isn't the end of the world), you can simply rip the glove off when you're done, turning it inside out as you do so. Using a glove can also ensure that you don't accidentally use an unwashed hand in the vagina. Introducing even minute amounts of fecal matter into the vagina will almost certainly lead to a vaginal, bladder, or kidney infection.\n\nGloves also protect you from any other disease contamination that might occur; the lining of the rectum is very thin, and minute tears can occur quite easily. Be careful that you don't insert anything remotely sharpedged into the anus, and that includes your fingernails. Make absolutely sure that your nails are short and smooth.\n\nOf course, you can use other objects for anal penetration; butt plugs designed especially for that purpose can be acquired from any sex store. They are usually made of plastic or silicone, in a variety of shapes and sizes. Even if you use a condom on them, they should be thoroughly washed after use, with an antibacterial soap. Obviously you can use a dildo or a penis. Never use anything breakable or sharp, and never use anything that does not have a flange to prevent it going all the way up inside the rectum, where you won't be able to retrieve it. If you get something stuck up inside, you will have to go to the emergency room to have it removed. And that won't be fun.\n\nOnce you have inserted something inside the anus, you may want to hold it still, especially if you are a beginner. Sometimes the sensation of moving in and out can make the receiver want to empty his or her bowels. The anal sphincter responds automatically by tightening up, and this can become uncomfortable.\n\nAnal fisting (called handballing in some gay male circles) is not something I have ever done, but I know a few women, and a number of men,  who do it and love it. I reckon anyone who allows themselves to be anally fisted has perfected the art of relaxation.\n\nWhether you are engaging in anal sex or vaginal penetration, you want to try to make sure your bowels are at least fairly empty, in order to ensure comfort for both you and your partner. Intense penetration squashes things around in there, and if you're trying to prevent yourself from going while you're trying to come, you will experience some conflict. On the other hand, you might not care what happens. It certainly doesn't have to matter in a practical sense if you do lose control of your bladder or your bowels. These are, after all, perfectly normal, natural bodily functions, and anything can be cleaned up.\n\nBut most of us would be mortified with embarrassment in the wake of such an \"accident\" while we are making love. So visit the restroom before you have sex, or during if you need to. If you're going to have anal sex, wash around your anus first, and if you feel the need, you can always do an enema to clean out your bowels. Or you can do an enema as part of your play.\n\nThe most important thing is not to have sex when you feel uncomfortable about it; your partner can wait. If you have a date and you anticipate some heavy duty kind of penetration, use common sense and don't eat a big meal just beforehand. If you know you tend to feel a little bloated in the morning, then don't have sex in the mornings. Take care of your general health: eat well, and make sure there is plenty of fiber in your diet. Do whatever you need to do to feel comfortable, and remember, we all urinate and defecate, so neither you nor your partner will die if you come into contact with a little bit of pee or poop.\n\nAnal sex can be enormously erotic, both because the anal canal is full of sensitive nerve endings, and because it leads to a level of vulnerability that can be very rewarding.\n\n_For me, anal sex is a pathway to ecstasy. It makes sex so much more intense. The orgasms I have when I'm doing anal sex involve more of my body. They crawl up my spine._\n\nDon't do it unless you are willing to be vulnerable, and you know that your partner will appreciate, respect, and care for you when you are in that state of vulnerability.\n\nSome women actually prefer anal sex to vaginal sex. The G-spot can be stimulated through the thin rectal wall, and the perineal sponge is stimulated directly during anal penetration; both of these have highly erogenous erectile tissue. A very few women are able to come from anal penetration alone, and a few more say they come more easily when they are doing anal sex, as long as they are getting some other kind of stimulation as well. Some women seem to find that stimulation of the anal area relates more directly to clitoral stimulation than vaginal stimulation does, which is not as outlandish as it seems, when you consider that there is a much greater concentration of nerve endings around the anus and the clitoris than in the vagina.\n\n_I wouldn't say I come more easily during anal sex; it is just different, I am more \"out of control\" with it._\n\n  \n\n\n_Orgasms from anal sex come from a different place. I feel them deep in my first chakra._\n\n  \n\n\n_I don't know if it's the naughtiness taboo, but I find anal sex intensely pleasurable and come a lot quicker. When I was with men I used to prefer anal sex as it left my clitoris more accessible to my fingers. Also it didn't dull sensation, which is what happened during vaginal penetration with men._\n\nThis section does not pretend to be a complete guide to anal sex. I recommend Tristan Taormino's book, _The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women_.5 This is an excellent book for men too. Men are perfectly capable of enjoying anal stimulation and penetration, although many of them are also afraid of it, often more so than women are. There are two likely reasons for this: firstly, they are afraid it might mean they are gay. I really cannot go into how ridiculous this is, so I hope it will be enough for me to point out that the presence of a penis is not required for anal penetration. Secondly, I think men are afraid of how vulnerable it will make them if they admit they want anal penetration. And it will make them vulnerable, there is no doubt about that; you cannot bend over and allow someone to penetrate you and still feel that you are in control. How sad that so many men will never experience the glory of fully surrendering in total trust to another person, and so many women will never be the recipient of that trust.\n\n#  _**Notes**_\n\n1 Alice Khan Ladas, Beverly Whipple, and John D. Perry, _The G Spot: And Other Discoveries about Human Sexuality_ (Holt, 2005). Originally published in 1982.\n\n2 Ladas, Whipple, and Perry, _The G-Spot_.\n\n3 DVD: _How to Female Ejaculate: Find Your G-Spot_ , Deborah Sundahl, Fatale Media, 60 minutes. Original video was released in 1992.\n\n4 Deborah Addington, _A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting_ (Greenery Press, 1997).\n\n5 Tristan Taormino, _The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, 2nd Edition_ (Cleis Press, 2006).\n"}
+{"input": " Write an article discussing the various theories about the social, anthropological, and biological purposes of female orgasm. Explain how the combination of orgasm with virtually unrestricted sexual availability has had a significant impact on our species. Also, discuss the idea that sex is not just about procreation but can be an art form that gives us infinite pleasure. Mention that there are many different kinds of orgasms and that they can be triggered in various ways. Discuss how the orgasmic state can act as an analgesic and raise a woman's pain threshold. Finally, talk about the concept of responsible sex and how it is connected to responsible living and self-empowerment.", "response": "\n\n**CHAPTER** **11**\n\n**THE PURPOSE OF ORGASM**\n\n_Orgasms are a great key to health and happiness. They help us to remember who we are, beyond our everyday reality. Orgasms are a path to truth and the meaning of life._\n\n**\u2014DR. ANNIE SPRINKLE**\n\nMany people have proposed numerous theories with regard to the social, anthropological, and biological purposes of female orgasm. These range from the obvious (that female orgasm tones the muscles that we use in childbirth) to the ridiculous. However, the unique combination of orgasm with virtually unrestricted sexual availability (we are not limited to a cycle of estrus or \"heat\" in order to experience sexual desire) has had, and continues to have, an overwhelming impact on our species.\n\nIn today's world, sex involves much more than our genitals and is about much more than procreation. To limit sex to making babies is as absurd and unrealistic as deciding not to use a motorized vehicle because God gave us feet to walk with. Sex can be merely functional, but it can also be  an art form that gives us infinite pleasure. Who wants to live in a world that is purely functional? Beauty and joy are very important aspects of life. The variety of ways that we can express ourselves sexually is a gift, an offering from the universe. A woman can have as many different kinds of orgasms as there are ways of having sex. An orgasm can come and go in a second, or last for hours. It can be an electrical feeling on the surface of the skin; it can be a deep, pounding internal sensation; it can occur in the upper body, the lower body, or throughout the whole body; and can be accompanied by an out-of-body experience. It can shake your entire being, or pass through with barely an external sign. There is no one definitive experience that we can call orgasm\u2014there are many. Nor can we limit what arouses us sexually to a physical touch, or to a sensation in a certain part of the body.\n\n**There is no one right way of being sexual.**\n\nAnyone can choose to claim her passion, and translate it into creative play, sexual or otherwise. The exceptions may be people who have been severely traumatized so that they are unable to recover positive feelings around sexual arousal; and people who suffer from severe chronic pain or illness. In general, what prevents us from embracing the full potential of our sexual desire is our fear of not being normal, and it is this, more than anything else, that we must overcome. _There is no such thing as an abnormal desire._\n\nWhat's more, there is no such thing as a normal desire! The concept of normality does not exist when it comes to what turns us on. There is no one right way of being sexual. On the contrary, there is a huge variety of sexual activities and responses, some of them stranger than your imagination could dream up, from foot fetishism to sadomasochism. A safe environment, one where the key concepts of consensuality and negotiation are honored, can be created to play with the oddest desires. What matters is that you don't allow yourself to be swayed by the opinions of others, and that you do not harm yourself or others. Go for what you want; don't censor yourself or anyone else.\n\nInhibitions, instilled into us as we grow up, can prevent us from getting in touch with what turns us on in the first place. But change only needs a  willingness to be open. Changes specific to your sexuality are not so difficult to manifest as you might think. True, you cannot make your body have an orgasm unless it wants to. But when we give our bodies permission to change, all kinds of things become possible. This was illustrated for me during the time it took to write this book. I drew my close friends into my research. They graciously accepted my calls at any time of day or night to answer questions like: Can you feel contractions in your vagina when you come? Do you have to stretch out your feet when you come? How long do your orgasms normally last?\n\nWe found that our sexual horizons have expanded simply as a result of thinking intensely about orgasm, finding a language to express ourselves, and discovering new potential. We all seem to be having longer and more powerful orgasms. Hearing about what's possible has given us the incentive to open up to other ways of being sexual. Discovering the range of what women define as orgasm has encouraged us to define our own experiences differently. The process of being orgasmic is constantly unfolding and evolving, if we allow it to do so. It is a journey, and the point of the process is the journey, not some mythical end product.\n\n#  **From Pain to Pleasure, and Beyond\u2026**\n\nOne of the remarkable things about the orgasmic state is how it acts as an analgesic; things we normally experience as painful may not be felt at all when we are in the throes of a climax. Gina Ogden, Beverly Whipple, and other renowned sex researchers have done a number of controlled studies that prove the remarkable power of orgasm to raise a woman's pain threshold.2 Apparently, the greater the sexual pleasure, the stronger the analgesic effect.\n\nIn _Women Who Love Sex_ 1, Gina Ogden describes how, during orgasm, a woman registers no pain response to a stimulus (steady pressure applied to the fingertip by an Analgesia Meter) that she was unable to tolerate only minutes before. Yet her ability to experience a sensual touch (a hair-thin filament brushed across the back of her hand) is increased.\n\nIn _Extended Sexual Orgasm_ 3 _,_ the authors describe a group of arthritics who experience some freedom from pain for half an hour following orgasm. The question is, would they be free from pain for longer periods if they had extended orgasms? The Brauers claim that in some cases all of  the following problems have been alleviated, if not cured by the regular practice of ESO: headaches; neck, back, and pelvic pain; menstrual pain; arthritic pain; stomach and intestinal complaints; prostatitis; high blood pressure; asthma and bronchitis; skin eruptions; depression; fatigue; anxiety; alcoholism; insomnia; and anger.\n\nIs it too outrageous to imagine that doctors could be prescribing orgasms instead of, or in conjunction with, pain medications? And are we capable of expanding our concept of orgasm, with its attendant benefits?\n\nSensual and sexual intimacy, the experience of sharing one's body with another, skin-to-skin contact, the arousal and release of orgasm\u2014all of these can suffuse the body with pleasure and with a sense of joy, delight, love, peace, and relaxation that results in freedom from pain and tension\u2014a different human condition. Orgasm is a building and release of tension that enervates and cleanses a person's energy, clears out blocks, and leaves the body suffused with well-being. Encouraged to allow ourselves to share our bodies, take pride in our physical selves, and integrate our experience of love on mental, emotional, and spiritual levels, through the medium of the physical body, we can live creative and joyful lives.\n\nIt seems obvious that the purpose of sex, and therefore orgasm, is to provide us with an opportunity to experience ecstasy, an opportunity to choose pleasure. On one level, this is about experiencing joy in life, having a good time, allowing and encouraging us to feel good. People who enjoy life live longer, they're less accident-prone, and they are less likely to succumb to illness. Enjoying life is in itself a worthy goal; pleasure is a good thing. The place of ecstasy we can reach through sex is also a powerful creative energy that can carry us beyond the limits of the physical world.\n\nJudy Grahn writes specifically about lesbian sex, but her concepts are of equal value to heterosexuals. In her book, _Another Mother Tongue_ 4, she describes four sexual \"domains,\" that is, four areas of sexual awareness. The first is the physical: having a good, enjoyable, functional experience. The second is the mental: using fantasy, mental control, and the power of the mind. The third is the psychic: experiencing another realm of existence, beyond intellectual images. The fourth she calls the transformational domain, and as she explains:\n\n _The powers released in this dimension can influence not only the participants but also the world around them and its future._\n\nIn my own experience, the energy that gathers and releases when we are sexual is very powerful. It has enormous potential for healing and transformation.\n\nSo having a good time is not the only thing to consider when you are having sex. The energy we bring to sex is inseparable from the energy we bring to life, and the healing power of sex affects our lives on a much deeper level than we may realize. By learning how to use this energy consciously, we can change our lives, or dare I say it, change the world. Obviously such a powerful tool needs to be used responsibly. When I try to define responsible sex, I find I cannot separate it from leading a responsible life.\n\n#  **Responsible Sex, Responsible Living**\n\nActing responsibly means acting with compassion. Being compassionate means being respectful of all beings, including ourselves. It is this last piece that we tend to miss out on. Too few of us grow up with a sense of our own self-worth and our right to self-determination. We don't live in a society that lovingly encourages us to live up to our full potential. Most of us grow up unaware that there are many different choices to be made, many different paths to follow. Many of us are deeply wounded and don't even know it until we accidentally stumble upon a path of healing.\n\nYes, we need to be loved. We also need to love ourselves. We need to develop a sense of our own self-worth, worth that has nothing to do with our accomplishments in the world, and everything to do with who we are. A sense of self-worth allows us to tap into our inner power. We can hinder each other from experiencing self-worth by putting each other down. Respect is an integral component of compassion, and compassion is nonjudgmental love. When we experience nonjudgmental love from another being, it enables us to accept ourselves, and this in turn allows us to experience our own inner power. When we experience inner power, we no longer feel a need to exert power over others, to force others to agree with us, to prove that we know the answers and everyone else is wrong. Inner power is nonjudgmental and respects other people's choices.\n\nLove that disempowers is not true love, and power that does not come from inside, that does not respect other people, is not true power. True power is always loving, and true loving is always empowering. Loving one  another, and especially children, is vital, but if it isn't coupled with the right to self-determination, it is useless. We must teach our children respect, and we can only do this by offering it to them; that means allowing them to make their own decisions about what is right and wrong for them.\n\nSelf-esteem, self-respect, and self-worth are all the same thing, and when they are present in an individual, that person is automatically selfempowered.\n\n#  **Working with Energy**\n\nResponsible living involves being able to channel our energy so it doesn't harm other people. A feeling is energy, whether it is physical, sexual, intuitive, or emotional. We can choose what to do with the energy that grows out of feelings. For instance, if we feel angry, we can channel it into chopping wood; we can yell at the kids; we can channel it into an orgasm; we can kick the dog; we can rant.\n\nSometimes the rant is not about whatever is actually making us angry; we can rant on anything we choose. The reason for ranting is the same as the reason for kicking the dog: we are feeling a need to express the energy of the anger. Sometimes we substitute a more acceptable target for our anger, since we are told that we ought to have a good reason for being angry, but this is dishonest. We usually indulge in this dishonesty to protect ourselves, because it is too painful, or it feels futile, to think about the real reasons for our anger, or because we are ashamed of those reasons. I am not saying no one should be angry; there are many good reasons to be angry, and many things to be angry about. But responsible living includes the integrity to acknowledge the real reasons for our anger, instead of fixating on a convenient outlet and blaming others.\n\nSometimes the original energy was not the energy of anger, but expressing it as anger makes us feel safer, less vulnerable than the original feeling. This is why so many women get impatient with men when men start to express their feelings; the first feeling that usually comes up for a man who has been trained to be tough and \"manly\" is nearly always anger. Anger often covers over other feelings, and it isn't always easy to wait for a man to wade through his anger before he gets to what we see as the \"real\" feelings.\n\nResponsible living involves taking responsibility for what we do with  the energy of our feelings, and if necessary, following that energy back to its source in order to prevent it from harming others. It means choosing not to kick the dog (kicking the dog can take many forms, from racial hatred to sexism to child abuse). It means listening to and honoring yourself. It means acknowledging your feelings and needs. And this requires absolute integrity.\n\nEnergy is what keeps us alive. That's why we often feel good after we have allowed a strong feeling to flow through us, when we've just had a good rant, or chopped a lot of wood, or had a great orgasm. We feel more alive. We feel energized. All energy is basically life-force energy. When this life-force energy is heightened, speeded up, intensified, life becomes brighter. We are always looking for that which brightens and enriches; that search is part of being alive. We find it in sex and in the expression of feelings, but we also find it in politics, in music, in sports, in art, in raising a family, in a casual exchange with a friendly person on the street, in watching a good movie, in planting a garden and watching it grow, in the deeply rewarding intimacy with someone we have known and loved a long time, in a delighted child's laughter, in a glorious sunset, in ocean waves smashing on rocks. Whenever we are deeply moved by something, whenever we really believe in something, whenever we feel passionate about something, we experience a sense of rightness, which is very exciting.\n\nThe energy of the excitement that we are tapping into in any of these situations is the same energy as sexual excitement. Like sex, we can experience this excitement alone: looking at a beautiful view, climbing a mountain, hang gliding. Or we can experience it with others: when a group of people feel it together the energy is amplified; there is a group euphoria that results in a special kind of bonding. The sense of unity that we experience when we participate in a political rally, sing in a choir, or play team sports is the same unity that we experience when we are in love and having great sex. The problem is that it usually happens so unconsciously that we fixate on whatever happens to bring up the feeling. One person might experience it having sex, and another might experience it at a political rally.\n\n_There is a sexual high from singing in choir, for instance; erotic is not quite the right word but it's something like that. I used to feel it much more in rehearsals. Having the audience there was a distraction. Singing in rehearsals was breathtaking._\n\n**\u2014JOANI BLANK**\n\nPeople who are not already empowered don't realize that they can make conscious choices about where and when to feel this energy. If they stumble upon it unexpectedly, get caught up in the hysteria of the moment, and unthinkingly attempt to recreate whatever it was that first gave them that wonderful feeling, what may result are religious zealots, sports fanatics, bigots, and \"patriots.\" Find something that looks like it might be a good cause, find someone with a charismatic presence, and you will find people marching in unison, cheering and stomping their feet. They are experiencing their collective energy as very powerful, and it may be the only time in their lives that they feel such a sense of power. It gives them a rush. They feel energized and alive. They have found a way of tapping into the energy of life.\n\nLike a woman who falls in love with someone with whom she experiences a great sexual rush, disempowered people fall in love with whatever it is that creates that rush, and like a woman in love, they want to make it last forever. They lose the ability to discriminate between good sense and manipulative lies. They fail to understand that the ecstasy comes from within themselves. But worst of all, they often get caught up in a kind of mass hysteria that can quickly become violent. Developing the ability to tap into conscious empowerment enables us to make choices, to channel that energy into love and creativity instead of violence and destruction.\n\n#  **Empowerment**\n\n_We've got to help people understand that the level of ecstasy and passion they undoubtedly feel when they are standing in crowds being carried by a crazy orator is not so different from the transcendental experience we have in our very best sexual encounter._\n\n**\u2014JOANI BLANK**\n\nAn individual who is aware of her (or his) personal power does not lose herself in an energy rush. She does not lose herself at all. Power is simply another word for energy. She knows she can recreate that sense of quickening energy whenever she wants, because she experiences herself as powerful; she is aware of the flow of power within herself. A person who is aware of her inner power is aware of the life-force energy that comes from inside, and this internal energy works in conjunction with external energy.\n\nThe alignment of the internal with the external occurs when you acknowledge the forces that motivate you and consciously work with them rather than against them. This is what I am calling integrity. When you consciously choose a path of integrity, the opportunities that present themselves are exactly right for you. Your energy will be in synchronicity with the energy of the universe. Feelings, attractions, desires, and needs arise from good sense and inner wisdom, and they lead you wherever you need to be. The direction of your life may not be clear until you have gone a little way down the path, and then you will see that it is exactly right. When you arrive at this place, you will fall in love at the right times with the right people. But if you aren't there yet, and if you are not on a path of change and growth, then your feelings, attractions, desires, and needs may be toxic to you. If you are at odds with yourself, then you will be at odds with the energy of the universe.\n\nWe can choose to accept the stereotypical ways of being in the world, and live in fear of being abnormal, or we can choose instead to take an active role in challenging those stereotypes within ourselves and outside ourselves. In my opinion, the latter course is the one that offers us the broader future. It is my hope that it is the path you will choose.\n\n#  _**Notes**_\n\n1 Gina Ogden, _Women Who Love Sex: Ordinary Women Describe Their Paths to Pleasure, Intimacy, and Ecstasy_ (Trumpeter, 2007). Originally published in 1994.\n\n2 _Annual Review of Sex Research,_ Volume VI, 1995.\n\n3 Alan and Donna Brauer, _ESO: How You and Your Lover Can Give Each Other Hours of Extended Sexual Orgasm_ (Grand Central Publishing, 2001). Originally published in 1983.\n\n4 Judy Grahn, _Another Mother Tongue: Gay Words, Gay Worlds_ (Beacon Press, 1990).\n"}
+{"input": " Write an appendix on safer sex practices for a book about sexuality. Include information on the risk of diseases such as herpes, chlamydia, hepatitis, and HIV, and how they are transmitted. Discuss the importance of honest and open communication with sexual partners about sexual and health history. Provide a behavior continuum from ultra-safe to safer sex practices. Discuss the importance of regular testing for HIV, especially for those with multiple partners, and the availability of post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) treatments. Also, mention the availability of vaccines for certain diseases. Finally, provide a list of basic safety precautions, including regular checkups, use of condoms and gloves, and proper disposal of used barriers.", "response": "\n\n**APPENDIX A: SAFER SEX**\n\nIn this day and age it would be irresponsible to write a book on sex without including some information on the risk of disease. Some diseases, such as herpes and chlamydia, are spread primarily by sexual contact, and others, such as hepatitis and HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, can be spread by a variety of methods, including sexual contact. One of the most common modes of transmission for AIDS is shared needles among intravenous drug users. There are some high-risk professions, also, including health-care workers who routinely come into contact with blood products.\n\nWhile it is impossible to lead a life in which you will never be exposed to any kind of disease, it is also true that a little care goes a long way. I believe it is unethical to omit some basic precautions. It is a little like crossing the road: if you run out into the middle of a busy freeway (equivalent to having unprotected sex with everyone you meet) and expect to remain uninjured, you're living in a fool's paradise. But if you always wait until you can see no moving vehicles in either direction before you step out (equivalent to never having sex at all), then you will spend a lot of your  life standing anxiously on the sidewalk. You may stay alive, as long as some crazy driver doesn't mount the sidewalk to mow you down.\n\nYou may get tired of hearing this, but the most important factor is honest and open communication with your partner. Discuss your sexual and health history with _all_ potential partners. Make an agreement about what kind of precautions you are going to take, and _stick to them._ There is a behavior continuum from ultra-safe: \"If it's wet and it's not yours, then don't touch it;\" to safer (better than no precautions at all): using condoms for vaginal or anal intercourse but not for fellatio, for instance. You may decide to use no barriers with a primary partner, but be very careful to avoid any exchange of body fluids with all other partners.\n\n_You want your partner to be honest with you, so be honest with your partner._ But you shouldn't base a decision not to do safe sex on what your partner tells you; people who have diseases tend to be stigmatized, and this makes it hard for them to tell the truth. Moreover, illegal drug use and unsanctioned sex (sex outside marriage or sex with a prostitute, for instance) are things that even usually trustworthy people may lie about. In other words, be very circumspect about who and what you believe.\n\nIf you have sex with multiple partners, you and your partners should get tested regularly for HIV. Testing is available that is totally anonymous, absolutely free, and no longer involves having blood taken; there is now an accurate saliva test. However, if you do contract the virus, it may take up to six months to show up in your body. So be aware that even if you have a negative test result, you could be carrying the virus if you have indulged in risky practices within the previous six months.\n\nIf you do have unprotected sex and have reason to believe it may have put you at risk for HIV or hepatitis, post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) treatments are available, but these are not to be taken lightly, since the medications involved can be toxic to your liver.\n\nVaccines are available for hepatitis A, B, and C, as well as for HPV (human papillomavirus, which can cause genital warts and cervical cancer). Protocols for these vaccines are often in flux, so check with your doctor or online for more information.\n\nIf you are in a monogamous relationship, and have been so for at least six months, and you and your partner have recently had negative HIV tests, don't work in high-risk professions, and don't share needles, then your only concern is that you are not carrying any other sexually transmitted disease, such as hepatitis, chlamydia, genital warts, syphilis, gonorrhea, or herpes.\n\nIf you are interested in having sex with someone new, know that it is becoming commonplace to ask for a copy of a potential partner's recent STD test results; just be prepared to show your own as well. It's also a wise idea to carry a small safer-sex kit with you on a date, stocked with condoms, a small bottle of lube, a couple of gloves, and perhaps a dental dam. Better to be prepared than unprotected.\n\nI recommend the following as basic safety precautions:\n\n **1.** Get regular checkups. Chlamydia can cause sterility in women, yet its symptoms are often minimal or nonexistent. A herpes flare-up will go away of its own accord, but it means you are a herpes carrier, and you need to know that so that you don't pass it on to others. If you have any kind of sores on your labia, or any sign of a discharge, go to a doctor. Many sexually transmitted diseases can be cured with antibiotics if caught quickly.\n\n  \n\n\n**2.** Use condoms. Don't just think about them\u2014use them. Use them regularly, as habit. Use them on dildos; use them on penises. Use them for vaginal intercourse, use them for anal intercourse, use them for oral sex. There are many kinds of condoms, and some are much more comfortable and allow more sensitivity than others. Try different kinds. To increase sensation, try applying a little lube before you put the condom on. If your partner objects, discuss alternatives, such as no intercourse of any kind or using female condoms. Female condoms are available at sex stores, pharmacies, and women's health clinics, but they need a little practice to use properly.\n\nCondoms occasionally break (usually because they are not put on correctly). Learn how to put them on properly. If you want extra safety, try using two together, but put a little lube in between them so they don't stick to each other, which would make them more likely to break. \n\n  \n\n\n**3.** Use latex gloves (or nitrile if you are allergic to latex). They are inexpensive and easy to use. If your hands are very clean and free of cuts or abrasions, and you're not using them for heavy penetration, gloves are not absolutely essential. But have a box by your bed for the times when your hands have cuts on them, when you or your partner is menstruating, or when you're doing anal penetration.\n\n  \n\n\n**4.** If you are performing cunnilingus or anilingus, use dental dams, female condoms, a glove cut open (with your tongue in the thumb hole), or plastic wrap. Again, using a little dollop of lube next to the receiver's skin can improve sensitivity.\n\n  \n\n\n**5.** With latex, don't use mineral oils or any lubricants other than those that are water-based, as they will destroy the latex. There are alternatives to latex, such as nitrile gloves and polyurethane condoms.\n\n  \n\n\n**6.** Use condoms on insertable toys. Wash all toys after use with antiseptic soap and hot water, sex toy cleaner, or follow the instructions that come with the toy.\n\n  \n\n\n**7.** Avoid getting semen, vaginal secretions, blood, or feces on any broken skin\u2014that includes the skin in your mouth. If you're performing oral sex without a barrier, don't floss or brush your teeth just beforehand. And remember that the herpes sores that appear on lips are directly transferable to genitals. It is best to use a barrier!\n\n  \n\n\n**8.** Always dispose of used barriers safely, and never attempt to reuse them. If you are enjoying both anal and vaginal play, use separate barriers for each area.\n\n  \n\n\n**9.** Eroticize safer sex. It doesn't have to be more difficult or unpleasant than utilizing any other contraceptive methods. Putting on a condom can be fun. Try doing it with your mouth.\n\nSome people are allergic to latex. Condoms and gloves made from other substances, such as nitrile, are available. It may be the powder on the gloves that causes allergic reactions, or the type of lube on prelubed condoms. You can buy unlubed condoms at well-stocked pharmacies, but be sure to read the package. Unpowdered gloves are also available, although they may be harder to obtain.\n"}
+{"input": " Write an appendix for a book that provides resources on sex education, sexual health, and related topics. Include contact information for organizations such as the American Social Health Association, the Center for Disease Control National Prevention Information Network, and the Center for Sexual Health Promotion. Also, provide websites for educational resources like The-Clitoris.com, Coalition for Positive Sexuality, and GLBT National Hotline. Additionally, list resources for lesbian sexual health such as LesbianSTD.com and the National AIDS Hotline. Finally, provide information on videos, toys, books, and supplies from sources in the United States and Canada, such as Adam and Eve, Babeland, and Good Vibrations. ensure to include their phone numbers and websites.", "response": "\n\n**APPENDIX B: RESOURCES**\n\n#  **Sex Education and Information**\n\nAmerican Social Health Association   \n(919) 361-8400   \nwww.ashastd.org\n\n  \n\n\nCenter for Disease Control National Prevention Information Network   \n(800) 458-5231   \nwww.cdcnpin.com\n\n  \n\n\nCenter for Sexual Health Promotion   \nwww.nationalsexstudy.indiana.edu  \nThe most recent National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, as well   \nas past surveys, can be found here.\n\n  \n\n\nThe-Clitoris.com  \n\"Everything you ever wanted to know about the clitoris and female sexu-   \nality.\"   \nwww.the-clitoris.com\n\n  \n\n\nCoalition for Positive Sexuality   \n(773) 604-1654   \nwww.positive.org\n\n  \n\n\nGLBT National Hotline   \n(888) THE-GLNH; (888) 843-4564   \nwww.glbtnationalhelpcenter.org\n\n  \n\n\nLesbianSTD.com  \nSexual health information and resources for women who have sex with   \nwomen.\n\n  \n\n\nNational AIDS Hotline   \n(800) CDC-INFO; (800) 232-4636\n\n  \n\n\nNational STI Resource Center Hotline   \n(919) 361-8488\n\n  \n\n\nPlanned Parenthood   \n(800) 230-7526   \nwww.plannedparenthood.org\n\n  \n\n\nSan Francisco Sex Information   \n(415) 989-7374   \nwww.sfsi.org\n\n  \n\n\nScarleteen   \nResource of sex information geared toward teen women, but with great   \nsections for young men.   \nwww.scarleteen.com\n\n  \n\n\nSexual Health InfoCenter   \nwww.sexhealth.org\n\n  \n\n\nSIECUS (Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United   \nStates)   \n(212) 819-9770   \nwww.siecus.org\n\n  \n\n\nSociety for Human Sexuality   \nwww.sexuality.org\n\n#  **Videos, Toys, Books, and Supplies United States and Canada**\n\nAdam and Eve   \nMail-order catalog and website with toys, DVDs, safer-sex supplies,   \nbooks, and lingerie.   \n(800) 274-0333   \nwww.adameve.com\n\n  \n\n\nBabeland   \n\"Sex toys for a passionate world.\" Retail stores in Seattle and New York.   \n(800) 658-9119   \nwww.babeland.com\n\n  \n\n\nBlowfish   \n\"Good Products for Great Sex.\" Mail-order catalog available.   \n(800) 325-2569   \nwww.blowfish.com\n\n  \n\n\nCoco de Mer   \nA sophisticated sex toy boutique with retail stores in London and   \nSouthern California.   \n020 7836 8882 (UK); (866) 959-2626 (US)   \nwww.coco-de-mer.com (UK); www.cocodemerusa.com (US) \n\n  \n\n\nCome Again Erotic Emporium   \nWoman-owned retail store in New York City with toys, books, and lingerie.   \n(646) 833-0586\n\n  \n\n\nCome As You Are   \nRetail store in Toronto with toys, books, videos, safer-sex supplies, and   \neducational resources\u2014especially resources for the disabled.   \n(888) 504-7934   \nwww.comeasyouare.com\n\n  \n\n\nCondomania   \nCondoms, lubricants, massage oils, and more.   \n(800) 926-6366   \nwww.condomania.com\n\n  \n\n\nEve's Garden   \nRetail store in New York City and catalog of toys, books, and videos.   \n(800) 848-3837   \nwww.evesgarden.com\n\n  \n\n\nForbidden Fruit   \nWoman-owned and operated toy store / adult gift shop and fetish   \nboutique in Austin, Texas.   \n(800) 315-2029   \nwww.forbiddenfruit.com\n\n  \n\n\nGood for Her   \nWoman-focused retail store in Toronto with toys, books, videos, and   \nerotic art. Sponsors of the Feminist Porn Awards.   \n(877) 588-0900   \nwww.goodforher.com\n\n  \n\n\nGood Vibrations   \nProbably the best source of sex toys, books, and videos for women of all   \nsexual orientations. Retail sex toy stores in San Francisco and Berkeley,   \nCA, and Brookline, MA.   \n(800) BUY-VIBE; (800) 289-8423   \nwww.goodvibes.com\n\n  \n\n\nIt's My Pleasure   \n\"Portland's (Oregon) original feminist adult store.\"   \n(503) 280-8080   \nwww.itsmypleasurepdx.com\n\n  \n\n\nLovecraft   \nRetail store in Mississauga, ON, Canada, offering toys, books, videos, and   \nlingerie.   \n(877) 923-7331   \nwww.lovecraftsexshop.com\n\n  \n\n\nPleasure Chest   \nNovelties, toys, videos, and clothing. Retail stores in New York, Chicago,   \nand Los Angeles.   \n(800) 753-4356   \nwww.thepleasurechest.com\n\n  \n\n\nPurple Passion   \nFetish and sex store in New York City. Includes fetish wear in plus sizes.   \n(212) 807-0486   \nwww.purplepassion.com\n\n  \n\n\nSmitten Kitten   \nProgressive adult sex toys and equipment retailer in South Minneapolis.   \n(888) 751-0523   \nwww.smittenkittenonline.com\n\n  \n\n\nSugar   \nWoman-owned retail store in Baltimore featuring toys, safer-sex supplies,   \nbooks, and DVDs.   \n(410) 467-2632   \nwww.sugartheshop.com\n\n  \n\n\nVenus Envy   \nBooks, sex, and health resources. Retail stores in Ottawa, ON, and   \nHalifax, NS, Canada.   \nwww.venusenvy.ca\n\n  \n\n\nA Woman's Touch   \nFeminist sex store offering toys, books, and safer-sex supplies. Retail   \nstores in both Madison and Milwaukee, WI.   \n(888) 621-8880   \nwww.a-womans-touch.com\n\n  \n\n\nWomyn's Ware   \nRetail store in Vancouver, BC, Canada, with toys, books, and fetish gear.   \nEducation- and woman-focused.   \n(888) WYM-WARE; (888) 996-9273   \nwww.womynsware.com\n\n  \n\n\nXandria Collection   \nToys, books, and videos. Mail-order catalog available.   \n(800) 242-2823   \nwww.xandria.com\n\n  \n\n\n**Europe**   \nLe Boudoir   \nThe Spanish woman's answer to a female-friendly, smart and sexy online   \nsex shopping experience.   \nwww.leboudoir.net\n\n  \n\n\nLoveHoney   \nThis UK-based site is a one-stop shop for quality sex toys, books and   \nvideos.   \n(0800) 915-6635   \nwww.lovehoney.co.uk\n\n  \n\n\nLust   \nA women-run, women-focused online sex boutique from Denmark.   \nRetail stores in Copenhagen and Mallorca.   \nwww.lustuniverse.com/uk\n\n  \n\n\nSecond Sexe   \nFrench website, erotic boutique, and resource for women-positive, femi-   \nnist-identified products and porn.   \nwww.secondsexe.com\n\n  \n\n\nSH!   \nThe UK's first sex shop for women, located in London.   \nwww.sh-womenstore.com\n\n  \n\n\nTiberius   \nAustrian leather, latex, and a variety of sexy tools.   \nwww.tiberius.at\n\n  \n\n\nYoba   \nA French online women's sex toy boutique.   \nwww.yobaparis.com\n\n#  **Sex-Related Websites**\n\nFeMiNa   \nHuge directory of searchable links by, for, and about women.   \nwww.femina.com\n\n  \n\n\nViolet Blue's Open Source Sex   \nSex culture commentary, accurate sex information, updated resources for   \nall things related to human sexuality.   \nwww.tinynibbles.com\n\n  \n\n\nViviane's Sex Carnival   \nMulti-author sex blog; excellent resource on sex toy reviews, sex news,   \nsex classes.   \nwww.thesexcarnival.com\n\n  \n\n\nVulva University   \nClasses on many aspects of female sexuality.   \nwww.houseochicks.com\n\n#  **Lesbian / Bisexual / Gay / Trans Resources**\n\nBisexual Resource Center   \nEducational and support center in Boston; website has links to other   \nbisexual resources.   \n(617) 424-9595   \nwww.biresource.org\n\n  \n\n\nLesbian.com  \nOnline portal for all things lesbian.   \nwww.lesbian.com\n\n  \n\n\nLesbian.org  \nResources for lesbian and bisexual women.   \nwww.lesbian.org\n\n  \n\n\nQueer Resources Directory   \nwww.qrd.org\n\n#  **Sexuality Workshops**\n\nBody Electric School   \nWorkshops on erotic spirituality.   \n(510) 653-1594   \nwww.bodyelectric.org\n\n  \n\n\nHuman Awareness Institute   \nWorkshops on love, intimacy, and sexuality.   \n(707) 981-7886   \nwww.hai.org\n\n  \n\n\nSkyDancing Tantra   \nWorkshops on Tantra.   \n(877) 982-6872   \nwww.skydancingtantra.org\n\n#  **Recommended Reading**\n\n(Note: Some of these titles may not be readily available. AbeBooks.com is a good resource for finding out-of-print books.)\n\n##  **What Other People Do**\n\n_First Person Sexual: Women And Men Write about Self-Pleasuring_ by Joani Blank. (Down There Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Good Sex: Real Stories from Real People_ by Julia Hutton. (Cleis Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Hite Report: A National Study of Female Sexuality_ by Shere Hite. (Seven Stories Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_I Am My Lover: Women Pleasure Themselves_ by Joani Blank. (Down There Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_My Secret Garden: Women's Sexual Fantasies_ ; _Forbidden Flowers: More Women's Sexual Fantasies_ ; and _Women on Top_ by Nancy Friday. (Pocket Books)\n\n  \n\n\n_Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving_ by Betty Dodson. (Three Rivers Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Shared Intimacies_ by Lonnie Barbach and Linda Levine. (Bantam Books)\n\n  \n\n\n_Ultimate Pleasure: The Secrets of Easily Orgasmic Women_ by Marc and Judith Meshorer. (St. Martin's Press)\n\n##  **How To\u2026**\n\n_The Art of Sexual Ecstasy: The Path of Sacred Sexuality for Western Lovers_ by Margo Anand. A classic on simplified Tantric sex. (Tarcher Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women_ by Julia Heimann and Joseph LoPiccolo. (Fireside Books)\n\n  \n\n\n_Big Big Love: A Sex and Relationships Guide for People of Size (and Those Who Love Them)_ by Hanne Blank. (Celestial Arts) \n\n  \n\n\n_The Clitoral Truth: The Secret World at Your Fingertips_ by Rebecca Chalker. (Seven Stories Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Dr. Sprinkle's Spectacular Sex: Make Over Your Love Life with One of the World's Great Sex Experts_ by Annie Sprinkle, PhD. (Tarcher)\n\n  \n\n\n_ESO: How You and Your Lover Can Give Each Other Hours of Extended Sexual Orgasm_ by Alan and Donna Brauer. (Grand Central Publishing)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures_ by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. An absolute must for anyone who is thinking about nonmonogamy, or wants to understand how nonmonogamy can work. (Greenery Press.)\n\n  \n\n\n_Exhibitionism for the Shy: Show Off, Dress Up and Talk Hot_ by Carol Queen. (Down There Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot_ by Deborah Sundahl. (Hunter House)\n\n  \n\n\n_For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality_ , Lonnie Barbach. (Signet)\n\n  \n\n\n_Getting Off: A Woman's Guide to Masturbation_ by Jamye Waxman. (Seal Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Good Vibrations Guide: The G-Spot_ by Cathy Winks. Down There Press.\n\n  \n\n\n_The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex: The Most Complete Sex Manual Ever Written_ by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans. (Cleis Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Great Sex Weekend: A 48-Hour Guide to Rekindling Sparks for Bold, Busy, or Bored Lovers_ , Pepper Schwartz, PhD and Janet Lever, PhD. (Perigee Trade)\n\n  \n\n\n_A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting_ by Deborah Addington. (Greenery Press) \n\n  \n\n\n_The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex_ by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans. (Cleis Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide_ by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller. (Da Capo Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Multi-Orgasmic Woman: Discover Your Full Desire, Pleasure, and Vitality_ by Mantak Chia and Rachel Carlton Abrams, MD. (Rodale)\n\n  \n\n\n_Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships_ by Tristan Taormino. (Cleis Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Smart Girl's Guide to the G-Spot_ by Violet Blue. (Cleis Press) _Tantric Sex for Women: A Guide for Lesbian, Bi, Hetero, and Solo Lovers_ by Christa Schulte. (Hunter House)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Strap-On Book_ by A. H. Dion. (Greenery Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women_ by Tristan Taormino. (Cleis Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Go Down on a Woman and Give Her Exquisite Pleasure_ by Violet Blue. (Cleis Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain, and Illness_ by Miriam Kaufman, MD, Cory Silverberg, and Fran Odette. (Cleis Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Ultimate Guide to Strap-On Sex: A Complete Resource for Women and Men_ by Karlyn Lotney (aka Fairy Butch). (Cleis Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us_ by Felice Newman. (Cleis Press)\n\n##  **General Information on Women's Sexuality**\n\n_Femalia_ edited by Joani Blank. A photographic reference on female genital anatomy. (Last Gasp Publishing)\n\n  \n\n\n_The G Spot: And Other Discoveries about Human Sexuality_ by Alice Kahn Ladas, Beverly Whipple, and John Perry. A classic, written by academics, but in a very readable style. (Holt)\n\n  \n\n\n_Good Vibrations: The New Complete Guide to Vibrators_ by Joani Blank with Ann Whidden. (Down There Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_A New View of a Woman's Body_ by the Federation of Feminist Women's Health Centers. (Feminist Health Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Our Bodies, Ourselves: A New Edition for a New Era_ by the Boston Women's Health Collective. (Touchstone Books)\n\n  \n\n\n_Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom: Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing_ by Christiane Northrup. A comprehensive guide to women's health. (Bantam Books)\n\n##  **BDSM**\n\n_Radical Ecstasy: SM Journeys to Transcendence_ by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. (Greenery Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism_ by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. (Mystic Rose Books)\n\n  \n\n\n_Sensuous Magic: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples_ by Patrick Califia. If you are interested in investigating dominance and submission or sadomasochism, this book will give you some ideas about how to do so safely. (Cleis Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink \u2013 Educational, Sensual, and Entertaining Essays_ by Midori. (Daedalus Publishing)\n\n##  **The Politics of Sex**\n\n_Are We Having Fun Yet?: The Intelligent Woman's Guide to Sex_ by Marcia Douglass, PhD, and Lisa Douglass, PhD. Why women are not getting fulfillment and some ideas on how they can. (Hyperion)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Beauty Myth: How Images of Beauty Are Used Against Women_ by Naomi Wolf. Exposes the ways in which our judgments of beauty are shaped. (Harper Perennial)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Case of the Female Orgasm: Bias in the Science of Evolution_ by Elisabeth A. Lloyd. (Harvard University Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Promiscuities: The Secret Struggle for Womanhood_ by Naomi Wolf. Clearly describes how and why girls in America grow up confused. (Ballantine Books)\n\n  \n\n\n_Real Live Nude Girl: Chronicles of Sex-Positive Culture_ by Carol Queen. (Cleis Press)\n\n##  **Relationships**\n\n_After the Honeymoon: How Conflict Can Improve Your Relationship_ by Daniel B. Wile. (Daniel Wile)\n\n  \n\n\n_Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?_ by Jordan Paul, PhD, and Margaret Paul, PhD. (Hazelden)\n\n  \n\n\n_For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy_ by Lonnie Barbach, PhD. (Anchor)\n\n  \n\n\n_Journey of the Heart: The Path of Conscious Love_ by John Welwood. (Harper)\n\n  \n\n\n_Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works_ by Pepper Schwartz, PhD. (Touchstone)\n\n  \n\n\n_Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence_ by Esther Perel. (Harper)\n\n##  **Sexual Healing**\n\n_Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child_ by Laura Davis. (Harper)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse_ by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass. The classic on healing from childhood sexual abuse. (Harper)\n\n  \n\n\n_Getting Free: You Can End Abuse and Take Back Your Life_ by Ginny NiCarthy. (Seal Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma_ by Staci Haines. (Cleis Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_I Will Survive: The African American Guide to Healing from Sexual Assault and Abuse_ by Lori S. Robinson. (Seal Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Obsidian Mirror: Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse_ by Louise Wisechild. A compelling personal story of healing from abuse. (Seal Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse_ by Wendy Maltz. (Harper)\n\n##  **Energy Flows and the Chakra System**\n\n_Anatomy of the Spirit: The Seven Stages of Power and Healing_ by Caroline Myss. (Three Rivers Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Eastern Body, Western Mind: Psychology and the Chakra System as a Path to the Self_ by Anodea Judith. (Celestial Arts)\n\n  \n\n\n_Hands of Light: A Guide to Healing Through the Human Energy Field_ by Barbara Ann Brennan. (Bantam Books)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Wheels of Life: A User's Guide to the Chakra System_ by Anodea Judith. (Llewellyn Publications)\n\n##  **Exploring Lesbianism**\n\n_Another Mother Tongue: Gay Words, Gay Worlds_ by Judy Grahn. (Beacon Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold: The History of a Lesbian Community_ by Elizabeth Lapovsky Kennedy and Madeline D. Davis. (Routledge)\n\n  \n\n\n_Dear John, I Love Jane: Women Write About Leaving Men for Women_ edited by Candace Walsh and Laure Andr\u00e9. (Seal Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_Lesbian Sex_ by JoAnn Loulan. (Spinsters Ink)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Original Coming Out Stories_ edited by Julia Penelope and Susan J. Wolfe. Crossing Press. Some very moving personal stories of women's first experience of loving other women. (Crossing Press)\n\n  \n\n\n_The Straight Woman's Guide to Lesbianism_ by Mikaya Heart. (Wildheart Books)\n"}
+{"input": " Write a comprehensive questionnaire about sexual experiences and preferences. Include questions about the respondent's age, sexual orientation, and relationship status. Ask about their sexual activity, both with partners and through masturbation, and their feelings towards sex. Inquire about any childhood experiences related to sex, such as being discouraged from touching their genitals or being touched inappropriately. Ask about the frequency and quality of their orgasms, both during masturbation and partnered sex. Include questions about the use of sex toys and anal penetration. Also, ask about sexual fantasies, ejaculation, and erogenous zones. Finally, ask about their experiences with same-sex partners and their awareness of their hymen breaking.", "response": "\n\n**APPENDIX C: QUESTIONNAIRE**\n\n1\\. What is your age? 18-28 / 29-39 /40-52/53-65/66-79 / 80 +\n\n2\\. Do you identify as: lesbian / bisexual / heterosexual / other\n\n3\\. Are you:\n\n\u2022 in relationship(s) and sexually active\n\n\u2022 in relationship(s) and not sexually active\n\n\u2022 not in relationship(s) and sexually active\n\n\u2022 not in relationship(s) and not sexually active\n\n\u2022 other\n\n4\\. On a scale of one to ten\u2014one being someone who thinks about sex and wants to do it all the time, and ten being someone who is not interested in sex at all\u2014where would you place yourself? very 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 not\n\n5\\. Do you talk with your friends and/or lover(s) about sex? yes / no / sometimes / other\n\n6\\. As a child, were you discouraged from touching your genitals? yes / no / don't remember / other\n\n7\\. Do you remember being touched inappropriately as a child? yes / no / not sure / other\n\n8\\. If \"Yes\" to #7 have you done any healing around it? no / a little / lots / other\n\n9\\. Do you think your childhood experience with sex has affected your ease or otherwise with having orgasms? yes / no / maybe / N/A / other\n\n10\\. How often do you have sex (apart from masturbation)? never / every day / once or twice a week / other\n\n  \n\n\nIf there have been other times in your life when you've had sex a lot more or a lot less, please explain what you think influences the frequency.\n\n11\\. \n\na. Do you masturbate? yes _/_ no / other\n\nb. If yes, do you enjoy it? yes / no / other\n\nc. How often do you masturbate? every day / once or twice a week / once or twice a month / once or twice a year / other\n\nIf there have been other times in your life when you've masturbated a lot more or a lot less, please explain what you think influences the frequency.\n\nd. Do you generally experience orgasm when you masturbate? yes / no / N/A / usually / that's why I masturbate\n\n12\\. Have you been able to explain to your lover(s) exactly how to pleasure you? yes / no / I don't know what to tell them / N/A / other\n\n13\\. When you have sex with another person do you most often experience fulfillment / frustration / boredom _/_ joy / satisfaction / other\n\n14\\. \n\na. Do you dream about sex? If so, are they satisfying dreams? yes / no / other\n\nb. Do you physically experience orgasm in these dreams? yes / no / other\n\n  \n\n\nPlease write about your dreams in detail.\n\n15\\. \n\na. Have you ever used a vibrator? yes / no / other\n\nb. If yes, did/do you enjoy it? yes / no / somewhat / other\n\n16\\. \n\na. Do you like having your clitoris stroked by someone's fingers? yes / no / sometimes / usually / I've never experienced it / other\n\nb. Do you like having your clitoris orally stimulated? yes / no / sometimes / usually / I've never experienced it / other\n\nc. Do you come more easily when you are receiving clitoral stimulation? yes / no / maybe / N/A / other\n\nd. Can you come from clitoral stimulation alone? yes / no / sometimes / N/A / other\n\ne. How would you describe to someone how to stimulate you orally?\n\n17\\. \n\na. Do you like vaginal penetration? yes / no / sometimes / usually / I've never experienced it / other\n\nb. Do you come more easily when being vaginally stimulated? yes / no / maybe / N/A / other\n\nc. Can you come from vaginal penetration alone? yes / no / sometimes / N/A / other\n\nd. Are you aware of your G-spot? yes / no / sometimes / other\n\ne. What does it feel like when you touch it yourself?\n\nf. What does it feel like when someone else touches it?\n\n18\\. \n\na. Do you like anal penetration? yes / no / usually / sometimes / I've never experienced it / other \n\nb. Do you come more easily when being anally stimulated? yes / no / maybe / N/A / other\n\nc. Can you come from anal penetration alone? yes / no / sometimes / N/A / other\n\n19\\. \n\na. Have you ever had sex with a man? yes / no\n\nb. If yes, have you had orgasms during sex with a man? yes / no / N/A / other\n\nc. Did they occur during: vaginal penetration / anal penetration / clitoral stimulation / other\n\nd. If you have had intercourse with a man, was your first time enjoyable / unpleasant / boring / other\n\n20\\. \n\na. Have you ever had sex with another woman? yes / no\n\nb. If yes, have you had orgasms during sex with a woman? yes / no / N/A / other\n\nc. Did they occur during: vaginal penetration / anal penetration / clitoral stimulation / other\n\nd. When you're making love with another woman, how important is it to you that she have an orgasm? very / somewhat / not at all / other\n\n21\\. \n\na. Female ejaculation occurs in some women, when they flood or squirt a watery fluid that is similar to, but different from, urine. Do you ejaculate?\n\nb. If yes, can you tell when you are about to ejaculate? yes / no / sometimes _/_ other\n\nc. Is your ejaculation associated with an orgasm? yes / no / sometimes / N/A / other\n\nd. What does ejaculate smell like to you, and does it vary at different times?\n\n22\\. \n\na. Are there other parts of your body, besides your genitals, that you find erotic? If so, what parts?\n\nb. Can you orgasm just from having that part(s) stimulated? yes / no / sometimes / N/A / other \n\n23\\. \n\na. Do you have sexual fantasies? yes / no / other\n\nb. If yes, do you have them when you are: with another person / alone / either?\n\nc. Do they contribute to your orgasms? yes / no / maybe / N/A / other\n\n24\\. \n\na. If you are someone who has experienced vaginal penetration, were you aware of your hymen breaking?\n\nb. Did you bleed? yes / no / other\n\nc. Was it painful? yes / no _/_ other\n\nIf you don't have orgasms, or don't know, skip to question 37\n\n25\\. \n\na. Do you have orgasms when you are: being sexual with another person / masturbating / both / fantasizing / other\n\nb. Is there a specific activity that always brings you to orgasm when it is done correctly? If yes, please describe that activity.\n\n26\\. No two orgasms are exactly alike, however, some women experience distinct, separate types. Some have what they call clitoral or vaginal orgasms. Do you? yes / no / other\n\n  \n\n\nPlease list the types of orgasm you have, clarifying what differentiates each type, and what has to be done to make them occur.\n\n27\\. \n\na. Do you ever have multiple orgasms (several orgasms one after another with very little interval in between)? yes / no / other\n\nb. If you experience more than one type of orgasm, is one more likely to be multiple? yes / no / N/A / other\n\nc. If yes, which type?\n\n28\\. \n\na. Do you expect to experience orgasm when someone is making love to you? yes / no / only with some lovers / other\n\nb. Do you feel disappointed if you don't? yes / no / other\n\nc. If you're disappointed, do you show your lover how you feel? yes / no / sometimes / other\n\n29\\. Have you ever had a one-time experience of orgasm that was quite different from anything else you've experienced? If so, please describe it in detail.\n\n30\\. \n\na. Can you remember the first time you experienced orgasm?\n\nb. If yes, how old were you and what was going on?\n\nc. During your teen years, did you experience orgasm: regularly / sometimes / never / other\n\nd. Did you ever experience orgasm in your preteen years? yes / no / don't remember\n\n31\\. Can you isolate anything that makes it more likely you would have an orgasm: for instance, when you are very relaxed; when you're feeling emotionally open; when you're with a stranger; when your clitoris is being orally stimulated; when your clitoris is being manually stimulated; with a vibrator; when your partner is clearly very excited; when you are being penetrated; when you have your legs stretched out straight; when you're with someone who stimulates you intellectually; when your nipples are being touched; when your partner takes control over you; when you take control over your partner; when you're alone. Please write what brings you to orgasm in as much detail as you can, using a separate sheet of paper.\n\n32\\. Would you describe your orgasms as any of the following: exquisite / deep / clenching / pounding / electrical / like riding a wave / like falling / like flying / like an earthquake / other\n\n  \n\n\nPlease write in your own words what orgasm, and the buildup to it, are like for you. Be as detailed as you can!\n\n33\\. \n\na. Can you have an orgasm when you are sexually stimulating your lover, but your body is not being stimulated (you're not rubbing on anything and no one is touching you)? yes / no / other\n\nb. If yes, how often has this happened? What do you think allows it to happen?\n\nc. Can you have an orgasm when you are not touching anyone else, and your body is not being sexually stimulated (that is, nobody  is touching you, and you are not touching yourself or rubbing on anything)? yes / no / other\n\nd. If yes, how often has this happened and what were the circumstances?\n\n34\\. After having an orgasm, or orgasms, are you energized / sleepy / other\n\n35\\. Have you ever faked orgasm? yes / no / other\n\n  \n\n\nIf yes, under what circumstances, and why?\n\n36\\. Do you have more powerful orgasms when you make a lot of noise? yes / no / don't know / other\n\n  \n\n\nFor women who don't have orgasms: Please write what it is you like, or liked, about any of the stimulation described in the previous questions.\n\n37\\. Do you ever feel like you're close to having an orgasm but can't quite get there? yes / no / often / other\n\n38\\. Do you have clearly identifiable peaks in your sexual enjoyment? yes / no / sometimes / other\n\n39\\. Why do you think you don't have orgasms?\n\n40\\. \n\na. Do you tell other people that you don't have orgasms? yes / no / other\n\nb. If yes, what kind of reactions do you get when you tell other people? If no, what kind of reactions do you think you would get?\n\nc. How do / would those reactions make you feel?\n\nd. What kind of reaction would you like to get? \n\n41\\. \n\na. Do you feel deprived or frustrated because you don't have an experience you can clearly label orgasm? yes / no / other\n\nb. Do you wish you had a clearly identifiable orgasmic response? yes / no / other\n\nc. Have you done anything specifically to try and have orgasms? yes / no / other\n\nd. If yes, what?\n\ne. Have you attended or considered attending a workshop on how to have orgasms? yes / no / maybe / other\n\nf. Do you have a clear idea of something that you feel would be helpful to you in learning to experience orgasms? If so, what? \n"}
+{"input": " Write a brief biography about the author of the book. Include details about their upbringing, immigration, and current activities. Discuss their professional background and any awards they have received for their work. Mention their personal growth and healing experiences, as well as the various teachers they have worked with. Describe their current workshops and the philosophies behind them. Also, mention any unique hobbies or skills they have, such as kitesurfing.", "response": "\n\n**ABOUT THE AUTHOR**\n\n**MIKAYA HEART** is an author, speaker, life coach, and explorer. After growing up in Scotland and immigrating to Northern California in the 1980s, she now spends her time traveling the world and writing on a variety of subjects, always with the intention of empowering her readers. Her memoir, _My Sweet Wild Dance_ , received a Golden Crown Literary Award.\n\nOriginally trained as an agricultural mechanic, Heart ran an organic market garden, raised free-range pigs, and built her own house out of recycled lumber in the backwoods. She's done a great deal of personal growth and healing work with various teachers, including Brooke Medicine Eagle and Angeles Arrien. Heart now offers workshops based on the art of being fully alive, leading shamanic journeys to help her clients access the vastness of being. She sees sex as a particularly delightful shamanic practice. She also teaches kitesurfing, which is an awe-inspiring dance with water and wind.\n"}
+{"input": " Write a detailed copyright page for the book, including the copyright year and holder for the main content and the foreword. Include information about the restrictions on reproduction of the book's content. Provide the publisher's address and any specific copyright information related to illustrations or other materials used in the book. Include the ISBN number and Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data, including the ISBN, classification numbers, and the Dewey Decimal Classification number.", "response": "\n\nCopyright \u00a9 1998, 2011 by Mikaya Heart.\n\nForeword copyright \u00a9 2011 by Violet Blue\u00ae\n\n  \n\n\nAll rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio, television, or online reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.\n\n  \n\n\nPublished in the United States by Cleis Press, Inc., 2246 Sixth Street, Berkeley, California 94710.\n\n  \n\n\n  \n\n\nIllustrations of female anatomy on pages 9 and 10 \u00a9 2004 by Fish.\n\n  \n\n\neISBN : 978-1-573-44734-8\n\n  \n\n\n  \n\n\n  \n\n\nLibrary of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data\n\n  \n\n\nHeart, Mikaya.\n\nUltimate guide to orgasm for women / Mikaya Heart. p. cm.\n\nIncludes index.\n\neISBN : 978-1-573-44734-8\n\n1\\. Sex instruction for women. 2. Female orgasm. I. Title.\n\nHQ46.H414 2011\n\n613.9'6082--dc23\n\n2011020615\n"}